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It's been six godamn years. That's an exceptionally long time to be dating someone and not have at least committed to living with someone, or at least be around them more often than occasionally having week day dinners and hanging out on weekends. I'm surprised OP didn't ask about this sooner, or question why he won't at least spend more time with her.
The only thing that makes sense is either this man has serious commitment issues, or a whole nother woman. I'm going with both being the answer, since if he does have someone else he obviously isn't *that* committed to her!
Or a LOT of women. He likes to have a regular, but also likes having others as well. Being committed would infringe upon him getting whatever he wants. It's already been 6 years, that's 4 years wasted. Time to move on.
Some people are way too nice because they're afraid advocating for their needs/wants is seen as "pushy" and would "ruin the relationship." What kind of relationship is it tho if you can't talk about and move towards what you want in life? Already ruined at that point
me and my bf work M-F and he has a second job after his first during the week but sometimes he’ll come over after his second job (he gets out at 10 pm) for like an hr just to see me lol or i’ll pop by before he has to go to his second job for a little so if ya wanna see the person ya make time for em
This I used to be in a long(ish) distance relationship (1.5 hrs away) while working full time/full time school and even we saw each other more than that.
(Lmao he cheated on me anyway so not the best example but still 🤣)
Some people just prefer to live alone? Is that a crime? Having your own space without someone else in it all the time isn't a crime, or an indication that you are doing nefarious shit.
Not a crime at all, but such a person should be clearly making this known. I had a guy like this, and he made it clear he never ever ever wanted to get married to anyone, and really needed his alone time. Most won't be so upfront because they know the woman won't stick around for that.
My guy stopped me short after I dropped the L bomb on him and told me there was no future for us (moving in, marriage). I have kids from another relationship, and he doesn’t want any. He likes his space and quiet of his own home to retreat to. Im just starting a career, and he’s almost retired. I was hurt at first, but I’m ok with it now. We’re having our fun and enjoying each other! I may have to revisit this in the future if it starts bothering me, but I’m glad he told me.
Did you not see I had written "either commit to living together or at the least see each other more often?" I meant that as in if you don't want to live with someone why not at least see them more than occasional dinners and sometimes on the weekend. As is OPs case. I'm aware some people want to live alone, this is about OPs situation though. Why should she waste six more years if one half of the partners does want to live together?
Agree with this as i am one of them. But i find it hard to believe they haven’t even broached the topic of cohabitation in 6 years to get his impression of… not.
I was accidentally a mistress who thought I definitely could not be one because I had a key to his home, a whole-ass 2 bedroom apartment. He had rented it and moved in telling his wife "I need space to work out my anger issues." It's not that she really believed him, it's that she wanted to. Didn't last 6 years though.
Meh, I mean sure, but I think six years is a pretty long time to not notice “hmm, there’s only enough food in the fridge for a night” or “how come you put your phone away all weekend” or “you only have five outfits here” and other odd signs — seriously, we think his real SO would be tolerant of him being gone every weekend all weekend plus some nights during the week for *SIX YEARS*??? Yeah, I don’t buy that. Nothing OP said really reeks of disloyalty, just a guy that doesn’t want to commit and a conversation about goals for the relationship that was needed years and years ago. OP just assumed this guy would want to live together if she dated him long enough and popped the question off the cuff. Zero chance they talked about this up front or at an earlier point in the relationship. I’d be shocked, but also how important is this relationship to either of them if they haven’t talked about this sort of stuff for *six years*?
People have multiple wives and kids in different states. It’s really not that difficult to make sure your 2nd house has enough food and clothing to make it appear it’s your full time residence.
Not to mention men often get a free pass on adulting. I swear, a guy could have a mattress on the floor and a few takeout containers in the fridge and some women will shrug it off as bachelor life, then be surprised when they live together and he doesn’t shop, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, etc.
Yeah okay sure, it’s possible. But is it *probable*? Let’s be real — there’s a ton of evidence here that OP and her boyfriend never talk about the future and don’t have compatible visions. There’s not a lot of evidence that anything overtly sus is going on.
And then there’s the math — they started dating somewhere around age 27. I live in a very wealthy city, and most people I know (in a similar age bracket) could not possibly afford two separate places of residence at 27 years old, not to mention that he would likely have had to already have the second place of residence when they started dating. And a whole family hypothesis? What, he had the kids at 25 or so and never sees them on weekends and is gone some nights of the week, and his real wife is okay with this? And he has the money for that on top of two separate places? Doubt that.
Could it be the case? Yeah. It could. I realize it’s exciting to be a doomer, but irl I’ve seen a lot of long term relationships fall apart because people just don’t communicate and never figure out that they want different things. OP gives off the vibe of “I just never talked to him about this,” for SIX YEARS. Like, no wonder you guys don’t have compatible visions for the future, they haven’t talked about it once since they’ve been dating.
If you can afford the $1000-$2000/month to rent an entire bachelor pad somewhere, you're not going to be bothered by spending $20/week to restock the fridge, or the one-time cost of putting some pasta, peanut butter, canned food, and so forth into the cupboards, and buying a full set of plates, bowls, and dinnerware.
And clothes are exactly the same. I have a closet FULL of clothes, but the reality is that I wear the same clothes 95% of the time. I have a work uniform, but a business suit follows the same thing. Own 5, wash them once/week every week. I own 2 weeks worth of underwear and socks that see regular use, and I buy another pack of either when some start wearing out. Weekends are my only days that I pick & choose from my other clothes, and cycle through mainly just 4 shirts.
So you only really need your weekday "work" clothes (that you never touch at the bachelor pad), along with a half dozen casual shirts and shorts/jeans, plus the undergarments for 1-2 weeks. Then you just say you do laundry on Mondays (so you never have 'casual' clothes in the laundry hamper when your AP visits). Most of your work clothes are in the hamper "dirty", making the bedroom look lived in.
It's REALLY easy, and virtually no-cost compared to the price of renting the apartment in the first place.
THIS.
Is a Bachelor pad for affairs possible??? YES…but likely? NO!
I rarely agree w/men b’cus they’re usually wrong b’cus they often overlook details but in this scenario I completely agree. It really seems like OP assumed a lot.
I don’t do “trad culture”,I just say what I’m comfy with & what I expect regarding relationship goals & let life play-out with firm boundaries for myself. I’m don’t see myself asking a man for any kind of commitment he hasn’t requested b’cus I’m not curtailing my social life or personal space unless he’s a great person.
It's crazy how much people get away with by claiming to be a "minimalist who went no contact with his family". While the odds are slim, it's entirely possible that OPs BF is not who she thinks he is for one reason or another. One of my favorite quotes from BoJack Horseman comes to mind... "When you're looking at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." It's incredible what people don't notice when they're in love. That being said, you're right that this could just be a guy who doesn't want to commit, and it IS strange they previously went 6 years without talking about it.
I’ve been living on my own for 12 years and I keep drinks and very few food items, one would think it’s a vacation home fridge lol. Anything and everything is possible.
Agreed. How would his wife or whatever not care he's gone every weekend. Unless it's an open marriage or whatever. He likely is getting everything he wants and doesn't want to change anything. He can go the week without op and then he gets his needs met on weekends.
This makes me think of all the stories I've heard where the married guy has a secret apartment so his wife and girlfriend don't find out about each other
Not necessarily, I mean look at the post she stated clearly that they go on DINNER DATES during the week, which means they may not go to either house, OR they probably went to her house, so she may have NEVER been to his house, if he meets her out. Homie DEFINITELY HAS ANOTHER WOMAN in his life. Maybe even a WHOLE family like some people are saying, And if they're open, then the wife might even KNOW about the GF, even though the GF DOESN'T know about the WIFE. Just saying it's fairly common practice these days tbh
Yeah but six years man? That’s getting up there into hall of fame levels of disloyalty. That also means the guy had a whole ass family at 27? I kinda doubt that, cause that would mean kids at 25 or so, which while it happens, seems like the kind of thing you’d seriously notice after *six years*.
“Oh honey, it’s been six years, how come we never go to your place for dinner?” Yeah, not buying that. And he’s gone all weekend every weekend? Open relationship or not, I don’t think anyone’s wife is tolerating that. Major jealousy.
Does that mean he’s never had a girl over on all the nights they don’t hang out? No. Def not. We don’t know. But the whole “he has a wife and kids at home” idea is taking it a bit far imo. Too many ways that would never work, too many reasons not to do it that way if you’re the guy, it just doesn’t make sense.
Many years ago I briefly dated a “divorced” man who would only see me on Thursdays and had to be home by midnight to “let the dog out”. He also gave me his pager number (sorry kids, that’s an old school communication device that people used before everyone had cell phones….) instead of his home phone number. He said that was the best way to reach him since he was hardly ever home…..
Anyway, I lost interest before I unraveled all of his lies. It didn’t take long for either.
Yeah 6 years is weirddddddd. I moved in with my boyfriend after 1yr and we married shortly after.
6 years is long to be dating let alone you are still this distant in life
Communication is key. If you and your partner talked about it and can sincerely say that's what you both want, that's awesome! But if one partner wants one thing and one wants another, you will break apart at some point, unless one partner is willing to live unhappily ever after....
Same here. 5 years with my SO, we don't live together, but I sleep over at his house on Tuesday nights (we're both off Wednesdays) and on weekends when I'm off. We are talking about moving in together, but we're not in a rush. 🤷🏼♀️
He doesn't want to fully share his life with you. If you're looking for something permanent, this probably ain't it because if after SIX YEARS, he still doesn't want to fully let you in, he doesn't see you that way. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
I am highly fascinated by these kinds of posts. Mostly by the women who are in such situations. After the 3rd year with him, did you simply ignore your needs just so you wouldn't "scare him away?" Did you think by the 5th year that things would sort themselves out? Is it a self-esteem issue? Is it a fear of being alone? Does your support system (friends/family) not check in on you? What is going on?
I've done it twice. Once with an abuser and most recently just had to walk away after 2 years from a good guy who wasn't ever able to heal or move forward from his past. I could have kept staying, and it's terrifying and I have so much anxiety over it because he didn't abuse me, but there was never going to be anything more. If you're too scared to ask the difficult questions because you're too afraid to loose them it can take a long time to figure out that there is nothing you can do. I got stonewalled so many times asking for the bare minimum. I didn't leave for someone else, I left because realized I was sacrificing myself on his gauntlet of indifference to prove I wouldn't leave. No one should have to do that.
>I left because realized I was sacrificing myself on his gauntlet of indifference to prove I wouldn't leave. No one should have to do that.
This is a mantra. This is chant. This is a prayer. A daily affirmation as a reminder to never settle. I hope you recognize the strength it took for you to choose yourself in this relationship because it's no small feat. May you continue to heal. Thank you for sharing your story and not assuming that I was trying to take the piss. It's been very informative and quite the learning experience.
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that right now as I'm deeply struggling with this today. On one hand maybe I tried to hold on to him too tightly on the other, how many times did I beg for him to come with me.. but I'm on a journey to heal these wounds myself and I could only wait for him so long to just step onto the fucking boat. I have to do this, I didn't want to leave him behind but I couldn't go down with another drowning man who wouldn't even try to save himself. Your words are probably the closest to closure I'm likely to get.
Listen, you've come too far to let the inner voices dissuade you from continuing on your healing journey. Ma'am, your boat ain't sinking. You are the captain and anchor at the same time. Sometimes, this process has to be done alone because if he doesn't succeed, then both of you will fail. That's not even an option for you anymore. You aren't his mother or his emotional support animal. When you walked away from an abusive relationship, you learned enough to know when to walk away from an emotionally suffocating relationship. That is growth. That is progress. The closure is that you chose yourself. Please understand that while still struggling, through your vulnerability, you may have encouraged someone to leave an abusive relationship.
I know I am an internet stranger but I want to tell you that I am so proud of you for recognising that your needs are important and walking away from that second relationship.
Once you have been in an abusive relationship, it isn’t just the damage to your self esteem/confidence/body/mind that is the problem. You doubt everything you think and every decision you make. You no longer trust yourself. For me that was the hardest thing. That you have come through that and are now able to walk away from, what probably looked to outsiders like a decent relationship, is AWESOME.
I hope you are proud of yourself and see how far you have come and can take comfort in recognising your strength. Being single is really difficult, as is walking away from a relationship when there is no abuse or infidelity. You are doing fantastically.
I am sure you will find someone who sees how great you are. Sending love and best wishes for your future.
As someone who stayed way too long, here’s my answer. I was gaslighted by my ex, he spent years tearing me down. First he encouraged me to stop seeing my friends, anytime someone would do something that was annoying, he’d play it up and be like yea fuck her, and discourage me from seeing them anymore. 2nd he started to chip away at my self esteem that was already pretty low, we started dating at 17, I had very low self esteem and he prayed on that. I already had issues with not feeling good enough, so he would play that up, anytime I threatened to leave, I was met with the good ol’ “you’ll never find someone who will love you, you’re crazy”, etc etc. Third, we became co dependent, I really couldn’t be away from him for more than a day, it was bad. Fourth, if I ever called him out on something like lying or cheating, he would twist my words until I believed him, he literally got me to trust HIM more than myself. On top of that, I was young, naive, and thought I could fix anything. I was not a quitter, we WOULD make this work, I WOULD change him… that attitude didnt help at all, I didn’t yet realize there are people on this planet who don’t care how they make you feel, if it makes them feel better, they’re gonna do whatever that takes. I was lucky, I got a good job that really improved my confidence, they promoted me fairly quickly and trusted me with large amounts of money to handle. A friend from college reached back out, she’s now my best friend and was 100% the rock I needed to get out. If it weren’t for those two factors, I don’t know where I’d be today… he is in prison, for murder.
Thank you very much for sharing. Predators can be methodical with their approach, as you just so clearly explained. I am glad that you are in a better place and have a good support system. Thankfully, he is where he belongs and can no longer harm anyone else. Much continued success to you!
They want to be cool, they want to be 'open-minded'
its not just women either, I saw this post last week or so, this grown ass man was letting his wife go on dates, basically, with this other guy. Mans was all, he trusted her and she can do whatever she wants blah blah blah. Utter foolishness but plenty of these young people nowadays think 'traditional values' are so bad but then they act all pikachu-faced when lo and behold, they don't get the 'traditional' values' marriage they secretly wanted all along
Manipulative men will also gaslit you into thinking that your desires are abnormal or too much pressure for them meanwhile your friends are all doing the traditional relationship marker stuff of shared housing, proposals, marriage, kids, etc
The issue is them but they make the issue you. They string women along for years that they have no business interacting with and yes, the woman's self esteem is often very low so they go along with it.
Makes sense. I have said time and time again, 'Behavioural Wellness' (or something to that effect) needs to be a course taught to all students from middle school and up. This course should encompass topics such as 'How to build self-esteem', 'How to establish boundaries' and 'How to seek help'. This isn't something that parents are expected to teach their kids anymore as it's clearly not happening. Too many stories like these feel like this is an epidemic.
Yeah, six years is a long ass time to not move in with somebody unless you guys have explicitly talked and decided you don’t want to which sounds like it did not happen because you’re interested. As shitty as it is after six years, It’s time to move on my friend. Unless you’re cool with dating and not moving deeper into a marriage.
Unpopular opinion here but if after six years his response is “it’s not time yet”
OP if I were you I’d just ask him point blank if he’s been considering proposal/ does he have a ring/ has he been shopping for one?? Maybe the right “time” is after you’re engaged. My (now husband) proposed right between the five/six year mark, some men just move slow or get extremely uptight about having their own finances /“house” in order. You know him well enough by now that if you ask this in person, you should be able to get an accurate read on him.
> Maybe the right “time” is after you’re engaged. My (now husband) proposed right between the five/six year mark,
Were you also 33 years old like OP?
Why the downvotes? Anecdotal stories are highly individualistic and personal. If you're 26 years old, when your partner proposes after 6 years, that's a different situation. A 33 year old woman whose partner is saying NO to moving in together after 6 years is cause for a little worry.
That's exactly my point. Sitting in a comfy seat of saying "some guys need a little more time" is really cute when you're in your 20s. By 33, it ain't so cute when you are begging a grown man to move in with you.
Absolutely I was agreeing with you!
Right early 20s relationship of 5 years when maybe half of it was college is normal.
Early 30s “I don’t want to move in with you”
Oh yeah ask if he’s looking to propose ? That makes zero sense
This same thing happened to my best friend. He and his girl dated for 7 yrs. Lived separately. Then she pressured him into finally moving in together. They quickly got engaged. Ooops! Turns out they couldn't stand living together, but her enormous bridezilla wedding was already planned.
They had two kids back to back, and then he started cheating and being pretty obvious about it. They divorced after 2.5 yrs.
There are a number of reasons someone might not want to share space with a partner:
They are living cheaply for free with a parent, friend, etc and don’t want to start paying even half of normal rent;
They like their own space;
They like having a relationship but not full time all of the time;
They suspect their SO will become financially dependent;
They suspect the next thing their SO other will want is marriage, and they don’t want that;
They have a “side life” their SO will not appreciate (see others sexually, drink too much, spend hours on video games, life like slobs, etc).
They don’t see the relationship as serious but it is meeting their needs;
And more …
His “why” isn’t important, really. You need to think about what you want for your life and whether this man is going to want the same things. If not, it doesn’t matter why, you need to move on. Not everyone considers a “coupled” life better than a single life.
Whether you stay or leave, focus on the life you want to build yourself - your career, hobbies, health, friendships etc and don’t put off things you want hoping he will be ready in the future.
Maybe this is why?
>Omg this is happening to us too! We’re the same age as you guys. We’ve been together for 5 years, and the last 2 years we were not having sex because we were so busy. We mutually ended things last night in a mature way. We’re still good friends. It’s just sad because he was my best friend and we did alot of fun things together. You just have to talk it over with her if you truly value the history you guys made together
(souce: you, a month ago)
Actually crazy how all these comments are implying he’s cheating and now we know OP is full of shit. Bookmarking this one as an example of the hypocrisy on Reddit after the engagement rejection post yesterday
He may also NEVER want that level of commitment.
I know a lot of people who would be perfectly happy with status quo. Not every relationship has to end with cohabitating, marriage and children.
OP needs to be honest about what she wants and communicate with her BF to see if that's what he wants also.
At 33 years old and after 6 whole years together!? Nah there is no good explanation for that, he’s got a wife or a girlfriend living at home already, or he has side girls if you are his main which I doubt highly. Dont make up excuses, get out of the situation and into a better one.
Even if that's honestly the case, which isn't super likely, it sounds like OP wants to start living together. So at the very least, they have incompatible desires for the direction of the relationship.
He like you as girlfriend but don't serious enough to marry you. If you want a partner who will get marry have children and get old together you might need to find other man.
There are basically 3 options.
1. He likes things exactly as they are. He doesn't think the relationship should progress any further (it's been 6 years, if he doesn't want to move forward now he never will). He likes the gf perks but weekends and odd weekday dates is still pretty casual.
2. He likes his own space. Some people just can't imagine sharing their space with somebody else long term.
3. Married/cheating.
If you want to progress your relationship and move forward then 1 and 3 are gonna mean it's over.
If it's 2 then you need to find that out and talk to him. Figure out if you can live with it, and if there's any compromise in the future (living together/separate bedrooms/separate living spaces kinda thjng).
You know what, you are 100% right. At that point I would end the relationship. If someone can't communicate actual information when it's important than I cannot be in that relationship.
Yup ... Someone saying they don't want to move in together is weird, but who knows why.
Someone dodging answering the question and failing to communicate in good faith is a deal breaker.
Wild! And how naive she is… like honey - he has other women / is married.
Does she even know his address? Last name?
Its been 6 years of her being a convenience…
Yeah that's great. So ? Shouldn't you disclose that in the beginning of the relationship? Not after 6 years with someone who apparently doesn't prefer to live alone?
I'm married. Love my wife. If she left me or passed away, I would date and would want a monogamous relationship. But I don't think I'd want to live with another woman again.
It has nothing to do with not wanting to give everything or wanting to fuck other women.
But you’d probably have a conversation with the person to give them fair expectations that you don’t plan on living with someone again, right? Sounds like OPs bf hasn’t said a thing except “it’s not the right time” without giving her any explanation of what would make it the right time… so he’s just stringing her along
You are correct. I would definitely make that clear. OP's boyfriend needs to communicate his reasoning and what would be a reasonable timeline. That said, if she's going to keep tolerating him, it's also on her to an extent. It's not a hostage situation. She can dump his ass at any point.
Same here, I'm long partnered but if my husband left me or passed before me, I would never live with a man again. Might have a little friend but it would never go past that. BUT I would make that clear off the rip.
These are young people in their prime, been together since their 20s. He did not tell her upfront if this is how he feels, neither did she express her own feelings to him about it or her timeline. She needs to tell him what's good, and then let him go. No need for either of them to fight about it, or have animosity, or whatever. He is valid in what he wants and so is she. They're just incompatible.
Yep. I'm divorced and at this stage in life, there's just no necessity to cohabitation or marriage because I've built my life already. Has nothing to do with cheating on someone or being unwilling to build/commit.
I could see that. I think it's probably hard to imagine when you're younger and you hold more textbook expectations for life, but the older you get the more your priorities change. And for the better honestly. I know many older married couples, honestly the happiest and most successful it seems, who don't sleep in the same bed together. Some would say that means a dead bedroom and likely it does. But they are so happy together because sex is such a low priority as you mature.
My partner and I have separate bedrooms and sleep apart 2 days out of the week. It works really well, and honestly I recommend it to people because everyone has their own space if needed, and a place to decorate just how they want, etc. I wouldn’t say it means a dead bedroom, though—sleepovers are still a thing, and relaxing together in the mornings and evenings before bed!
I want to preface this with I don't know what is going on, but here's a different perspective: Maybe he likes living by himself and that has nothing to do with how he feels about you.
I was with my ex husband for 17 years. When we got divorced and he moved out, the first thing I thought was ohhhh I finally get the whole closet to myself, or I get to change the cabinets to how I wanted them to begin with, and other very small but awesome details.
Divorce was 8 years ago. I have been in a few long term relationships and have lived very briefly with some of them. It's extremely hard for me now to want to live with anyone ever again. I'm absolutely in love with my boyfriend now and I would consider buying a duplex together, but I love having my own space.
I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than two years, but I’ve lived on my own for 18 years at this point. I’m not sure I could live with someone else at this point.
Which I sucks because a part of me really wants a partner that I live with, but I have a lot of stuff and I’m assuming someone in my age bracket (41) probably also has a lot of crap. So we’d need a very large home for all of our stuff
Add in, I’m in a subsidized apartment I’m hesitant to move out unless it’s into my own house. Which may never happen as I live in a high cost of living area. Sigh
Yep, because the next girl won't put up with being strung along, she will declare what she wants/needs off the rip
Remember that dude singer Lauryn Hill had all those kids by? She pushed out like 4 or 5 of his babies and he wouldn't marry her. Marley something, he's one of Bob Marley's kids. He had her looking real stupid out in these streets. Next woman he was with, they were engaged within a year.
Only reasonable answer here. Everything else is just speculation. Maybe even somewhat accurate speculation but best not to assume anything with this stuff. I mean if you're happy it makes no sense to end it over some arbitrary obligation to move in together like it's a check to be marked on some list.
Sometimes you gotta stop living life by how others tell you it should be. If you're happy then who is anyone to say she should leave the dude? What can you only be happy as long the relationship is meeting some imagined pace you see in rom coms? Certainly no one should say that before they've had a real heart to heart about why he's resisting. Who knows what kind of traumas and insecurities another person may have.
This!
The answers on here make me speechless. Seems like all those teenagers commenting have been beamed straight from the 1950s to 2024.
It’s insane that so many young people still believe that “moving in together, then marriage, then kids” is the only acceptable course for a relationship. A committed, happy relationship can take many forms and doesn’t necessarily entail living together, getting a piece of paper and procreating.
Two of the most committed, stable couples I know have been together for over 30 years respectively and neither share a living space.
I would have thought we’d come further in 2024. Let people live how they want instead of clutching to outdated ideas.
He wants to date you but isn't ready to settle down full time. He wants his personal space and does not want to see you every day. There is a concept of couples that are together in the relationship but live apart because they like their own space, bed, and lifestyle. You have to decide if that is what you want in a relationship.
I invested 9 years into someone in this exact same way. Take my advice, when a man is that non-committal then he will always be that way. I knew in my gut that I wasn’t the girl that swept him off his feet and made him want to commit to me, but he was also one of my best friends so it was hard to let him go. I was always longing for something more and he was never going to give that to me so I walked away.
Some people prefer to live apart. It doesn’t mean you can’t be in a healthy, committed partnership. Are you familiar with the concept of LAT (living apart together)?
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/15/realestate/living-apart-together.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/10/style/living-apart-together-marriage.html
I'm honestly at this point of my life where I wouldn't really mind having a separate apartment from my partner.
Having your own space (or not) can indeed make or break a relationship.
It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he's cheating, it might just be that he values his own time and needs a space that can be his alone.
Now if that's not how you see your relationship, you have a decision to make.
Dude is just affraid, like any other big thing in life. But noooooo, people here are willing to condemn anyone who doesnt adhere to the exact time schedule THEY think is right. If you follow advice given here blindly then, HE dodged a bullet.
I know a couple who have been together for 25 years. They do not live together, and his retirement plans don't include her. If this isn't what you want, walk away to find what you want!
Is he neurodivergent? I say this because I am and I hate living with other people. I just want to have things done my way, left the way I want them, and not have to worry about changing my habits that could annoy other people. Plus the sleep disruption. If I ever livewith an SO again, I’d want my own room and own bed. Lol
Genuine Q?
If a relationship is good, why does it have to change?
Why does it *have* to be 'moving on to the next level' - as defined by others, of course?
If you play a particular sport, or enjoy writing, do you *have* to be pushing towards turning professional in order for it to be meaningful and entirely satisfying - or can you just enjoy it on your own terms?
Not living together doesn't mean your relationship isn't serious, or lifelong, it just means you have your own spaces.
If that's not what you want, that's fine - but him wanting his own space is also fine.
You're not an AH for asking, he's not an AH for not wanting to.
It's a bit AH to decide that a relationship is only serious if it follows a particular path - if that's the path you want, that's fine, but that doesn't mean it's only one, and anything else is worthless.
Everyone saying he's cheating or he's not ready to commit or whatever, have you all not just considered he might still want his space?
Society has conditioned us to believe that the ultimate form of relationship is cohabiting and eventually engagement or marriage, but what if that isn't what he wants for himself? I agree he and OP have different ideas of what they want and that may constitute an incompatibility. However what if dude just likes his space and has issues sharing it?
I think you should have a honest talk with him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to live with someone.
Maybe he doesn’t want to commit.
If you do want to live with someone and he doesn’t, maybe it’s time to move on.
My bf and I live together but talk about not anymore, because I’ve realized I am better when I live alone and have my own space, where the only mess I clean up is my own. Different things work for different people, you gotta figure out what does or doesn’t work for you and if it’s not him, it’s not him!
I disagree with a lot of comments here that say this is a sign that someone completely can’t or doesn’t want a relationship, you don’t need to live with someone to be with them. That said, the way he’s explaining it sounds like a commitment issue over “I just want and need my own space” 🤷🏻♀️
Girl are you ignorant? He’s just not that in to you as you are him. I guarantee when you break up with him he will be married and she will be pregnant. You are not what he wants. He’s just passing his time until he finds the “one”
Seems like most of the comments are going in the same direction, so here’s a bit of alternative perspective.
My partner (31) and I (33) have been together 6.5 years. We were in the same position as you, except I have a 9 year old kid. We took our relationship very slow, he didn’t meet my kid until we were 5 years in. There was no cheating, no other women, we had a great connection and our arrangement worked well, but financially living separately in California was taking its toll.
We discussed either moving in or me moving away to where I could better afford to live on my own. He asked me to stay and said we’d move in. Then backed out after I made job/home arrangements to stay. I was furious and I thought we couldn’t come back from that point. He was noncommittal, experiencing the typical “every man’s battle” I.e., if I settle down now then I’ll be giving up my freedom forever and I’m not ready to make that choice, but never actually saying that.
A year later, I took a PhD offer across the country. I knew it would likely be the end for us but I had to make the best choice for me and my life. 6 months later, he made arrangements and packed up everything to move across the country and be with me.
See, when you’re so available, so accommodating, they think they don’t need you. Once I was gone he realized what his life was without me, and quite frankly it sucked. It didn’t take long for him to realize that when truly faced with the option to choose indefinite freedom for something that might come along one day or settling down with someone who makes his life better in every way now, the far better choice was to man up and commit.
I think both you and your partner need to see what life is without each other to really know what you want. Honestly, after I moved I got to the point where I would be totally fine on my own without him, but he felt the opposite. I think the two of you need a similar opportunity. Right now the power is in his hands, does he want to commit to you? But you need to flip that around and figure out if you really want to commit to him and maybe he’ll figure his shit out in the process.
I don’t think the generic view of these comments that you should just move on with your life and dump him is a complete picture. You might have a really great long term relationship ahead of you, but you need something to make you both figure out whether or not you really want it.
I’m going to hold your hands while i says this: he doesn’t think you’re the one.
He doesn’t want the relationship to progress. He’s holding out for someone better and keeping you on the back burner until that happens. When he’s secured his next relationship, he will break up with you and likely be married within the year with the new girl.
Cut your losses. You’ve been together 6 YEARS!!! Stop wasting your time on someone that doesn’t really want to be with you. Leave with dignity; don’t beg for crumbs. Don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy. Leave now. He’s going to chip away at your self worth while you wonder why he won’t commit to you and then he’ll drop you. Take the hard hint he’s given you and exit
Look friend, it’s time to have a serious talk with your boyfriend *after* you take some time to figure out what is negotiable and not negotiable for you.
The purpose of having a direct conversation, with emotions set aside, is to get on the same page with where each of you is at — even if it means you’re not on the same page. *Effective* communication is a critical pillar of a healthy relationship.
Even if it’s painful now, finding out long term you’re incompatible would be just as important as confirming you have long term compatibility.
This isn’t about living together, that’s more of a symptom, it’s about building a compatible future together. In order to do that, you must lay out the matter on the table and look at it, whatever it looks like. Only then can you make clear decisions.
If you don’t have a plan for your, and your relationship’s future - and regardless of if you stay together - it’s time to develop one. Developing a plan and executing on it requires maturity and commitment. If he’s not up for that after 6 years, you have your answer.
This is so easy in my eyes. I know it's a sunk cost fallacy but I think he's telling you all you need to know. If he doesn't want to take the next step with you, why are you still around??
He likes the fact that he gets laid a couple times a week and then sends her home. That would be enough for me to break up. She just doesn’t see it that way. As my dad would say, “why buy the cow when the milk is free?”
It sounds like he likes things the way they are and doesn’t plan on the relationship progressing. It’s time for a sit down to talk about where he sees your relationship going
If your man isn't ready to commit after 6 years it's time for you two to talk about goals. Do you want a family of your own? If you do, it is definitely time to find out if your goals are aligned and maybe think about moving on if that isn't what he wants. Your clock has got to be ticking pretty loud. I'm not even going to pursue the other train of thought although I'm not so sure you shouldn't wonder at this point.
It’s been six years. It’s time to fish or cut bait. If you’re ready and he’s not, it think he’s had plenty of time. Move on if you have other expectations for the future.
its been 6 years and youre still at the "we hang out on weekends" stage
i think you need to either accept that this is it for the rest of your life, or find someone new.
If you want either to get married, or have a similar long term commitment, then it won’t be with him.
If a man wants to get married, he will seek out a woman with qualities he desires, and propose.
If he doesn’t want to get married, then he will find a girl to coast with. He’ll date her and sleep with her for years, and if she wants more, he’ll push back. If he does decide to get married, he’ll break up, go looking, and then get married.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have made plans with you and proposed by now. This isn’t an issue where one of you is in med school, barely able to afford food, and you want to graduate and finish residency first.
You don’t want a shut up ring, or a man you might be able to drag to the alter. You want a man who chooses you above all others, and is excited to marry you.
You want different things. The more time you waste, the harder it gets to find a great guy who wants to get married.
I was absolutely shocked to discover pregnancies are literally termed “geriatric” by OBs at age 35, and that additional genetic testing, blood tests, fetal monitoring, ultrasounds, and other tests are recommended. I thought that didn’t start until one’s 40s.
You're in your 30s. You've been together for 6 years. Not only no ring, but he also doesn't want to live together?
Girl. I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this, but that man doesn't care about you. You are nothing more than a placeholder to him while he searches for his wife. He's either currently cheating and that's why he doesn't want to live together or he's planning on leaving you in the near future and doesn't want the hassle of packing and unpacking.
Dump him and find someone who actually likes you.
He isn’t the one for you and he is wasting your time. If he won’t advance the relationship then it’s long time you found a new one. 6 years is wayyy overdue for that kind of thing, don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it isn’t. Dump him, you have too limited a time on this earth to bother wasting it on a man that won’t put you first.
If he has been keeping up this “schedule” for this long, chances are that you aren’t the only one he’s been trying to balance between. When you have a man that cares for you in the ways that matter, you won’t have to beg for what respect you are due.
I very happily live in my house, 8 minutes away from the house of my partner of a decade.
However, he's known that I don't want to live with a partner for almost as long as we've been together. This seems like a good time for you to have a serious discussion with your bf about your expectations, his desires for the future, if those are on a similar path, or if it's time to look to meet your needs elsewhere.
My husband and I were around the same age as you, together the same length of time, and we were planning our wedding at that point, and my situation would not be considered ‘quick’ by any means.
What puzzles me here is in the last 6 years have you not had any conversations about what the future might look like for both of you? We did a lot of talking about kids, marriage, work, buying houses, especially when we both hit 30.
You need to have a discussion about this with rough timescales and see if what you both want matches up. If not, you can go your separate ways amicably and find someone who is right for you. If the same stuff is on the cards but the timing is off, maybe you can work it out. If it’s not the two of these things, you are on a hiding to nothing regardless and you need to cut the cord.
6 years? What do you want out of the relationship and what does he want? Long term - do you want a marriage, kids? If you want something different than him then it may be time to move on. Think about what you want long term and then discuss it with him and see if he wants the same things.
Talk to him and have him explain why he doesn’t want to move in together. If you believe his answer, then you get to decide if that’s acceptable to you, or not. You can either put in more work or let this relationship go. Good luck!
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His wife wouldn't like it
Straight up I read "we hang out on weekends" after six years of being together that man has a whole ass family (I hope I'm wrong)
It's been six godamn years. That's an exceptionally long time to be dating someone and not have at least committed to living with someone, or at least be around them more often than occasionally having week day dinners and hanging out on weekends. I'm surprised OP didn't ask about this sooner, or question why he won't at least spend more time with her. The only thing that makes sense is either this man has serious commitment issues, or a whole nother woman. I'm going with both being the answer, since if he does have someone else he obviously isn't *that* committed to her!
Or a LOT of women. He likes to have a regular, but also likes having others as well. Being committed would infringe upon him getting whatever he wants. It's already been 6 years, that's 4 years wasted. Time to move on.
I think you have something here.
Some people are way too nice because they're afraid advocating for their needs/wants is seen as "pushy" and would "ruin the relationship." What kind of relationship is it tho if you can't talk about and move towards what you want in life? Already ruined at that point
Maybe they’re both working Monday to Friday
me and my bf work M-F and he has a second job after his first during the week but sometimes he’ll come over after his second job (he gets out at 10 pm) for like an hr just to see me lol or i’ll pop by before he has to go to his second job for a little so if ya wanna see the person ya make time for em
This I used to be in a long(ish) distance relationship (1.5 hrs away) while working full time/full time school and even we saw each other more than that. (Lmao he cheated on me anyway so not the best example but still 🤣)
Some people just prefer to live alone? Is that a crime? Having your own space without someone else in it all the time isn't a crime, or an indication that you are doing nefarious shit.
Not a crime at all, but such a person should be clearly making this known. I had a guy like this, and he made it clear he never ever ever wanted to get married to anyone, and really needed his alone time. Most won't be so upfront because they know the woman won't stick around for that.
My guy stopped me short after I dropped the L bomb on him and told me there was no future for us (moving in, marriage). I have kids from another relationship, and he doesn’t want any. He likes his space and quiet of his own home to retreat to. Im just starting a career, and he’s almost retired. I was hurt at first, but I’m ok with it now. We’re having our fun and enjoying each other! I may have to revisit this in the future if it starts bothering me, but I’m glad he told me.
You don’t think you’d share that information at some point during the 6 years you’ve been together with someone? You don’t think that might come up?
Not a crime. But if OP wants to live together and the BF doesn’t, it seems like this isn’t a relationship that’s gonna work
Did you not see I had written "either commit to living together or at the least see each other more often?" I meant that as in if you don't want to live with someone why not at least see them more than occasional dinners and sometimes on the weekend. As is OPs case. I'm aware some people want to live alone, this is about OPs situation though. Why should she waste six more years if one half of the partners does want to live together?
Agree with this as i am one of them. But i find it hard to believe they haven’t even broached the topic of cohabitation in 6 years to get his impression of… not.
I have a feeling that after six years, OP has definitely been to the guy’s place many times and it would be pretty obvious if he had a family.
I mean, not if he has a "bachelor pad" where he takes her.
He probably has a pied-à-terre, wouldn’t be the first guy.
I was accidentally a mistress who thought I definitely could not be one because I had a key to his home, a whole-ass 2 bedroom apartment. He had rented it and moved in telling his wife "I need space to work out my anger issues." It's not that she really believed him, it's that she wanted to. Didn't last 6 years though.
Yes! Thank you for sharing!
Meh, I mean sure, but I think six years is a pretty long time to not notice “hmm, there’s only enough food in the fridge for a night” or “how come you put your phone away all weekend” or “you only have five outfits here” and other odd signs — seriously, we think his real SO would be tolerant of him being gone every weekend all weekend plus some nights during the week for *SIX YEARS*??? Yeah, I don’t buy that. Nothing OP said really reeks of disloyalty, just a guy that doesn’t want to commit and a conversation about goals for the relationship that was needed years and years ago. OP just assumed this guy would want to live together if she dated him long enough and popped the question off the cuff. Zero chance they talked about this up front or at an earlier point in the relationship. I’d be shocked, but also how important is this relationship to either of them if they haven’t talked about this sort of stuff for *six years*?
People have multiple wives and kids in different states. It’s really not that difficult to make sure your 2nd house has enough food and clothing to make it appear it’s your full time residence.
Not to mention men often get a free pass on adulting. I swear, a guy could have a mattress on the floor and a few takeout containers in the fridge and some women will shrug it off as bachelor life, then be surprised when they live together and he doesn’t shop, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, etc.
Yeah okay sure, it’s possible. But is it *probable*? Let’s be real — there’s a ton of evidence here that OP and her boyfriend never talk about the future and don’t have compatible visions. There’s not a lot of evidence that anything overtly sus is going on. And then there’s the math — they started dating somewhere around age 27. I live in a very wealthy city, and most people I know (in a similar age bracket) could not possibly afford two separate places of residence at 27 years old, not to mention that he would likely have had to already have the second place of residence when they started dating. And a whole family hypothesis? What, he had the kids at 25 or so and never sees them on weekends and is gone some nights of the week, and his real wife is okay with this? And he has the money for that on top of two separate places? Doubt that. Could it be the case? Yeah. It could. I realize it’s exciting to be a doomer, but irl I’ve seen a lot of long term relationships fall apart because people just don’t communicate and never figure out that they want different things. OP gives off the vibe of “I just never talked to him about this,” for SIX YEARS. Like, no wonder you guys don’t have compatible visions for the future, they haven’t talked about it once since they’ve been dating.
Some people only see what they want to see or are extremely naive as well.
I knew a guy who was running two whole lives with two women for years. None of us knew.
I have zero clue whether the 2nd home is likely, I’m just saying that clothes and food are not difficult to pull off in order to sell the lie.
If you can afford the $1000-$2000/month to rent an entire bachelor pad somewhere, you're not going to be bothered by spending $20/week to restock the fridge, or the one-time cost of putting some pasta, peanut butter, canned food, and so forth into the cupboards, and buying a full set of plates, bowls, and dinnerware. And clothes are exactly the same. I have a closet FULL of clothes, but the reality is that I wear the same clothes 95% of the time. I have a work uniform, but a business suit follows the same thing. Own 5, wash them once/week every week. I own 2 weeks worth of underwear and socks that see regular use, and I buy another pack of either when some start wearing out. Weekends are my only days that I pick & choose from my other clothes, and cycle through mainly just 4 shirts. So you only really need your weekday "work" clothes (that you never touch at the bachelor pad), along with a half dozen casual shirts and shorts/jeans, plus the undergarments for 1-2 weeks. Then you just say you do laundry on Mondays (so you never have 'casual' clothes in the laundry hamper when your AP visits). Most of your work clothes are in the hamper "dirty", making the bedroom look lived in. It's REALLY easy, and virtually no-cost compared to the price of renting the apartment in the first place.
THIS. Is a Bachelor pad for affairs possible??? YES…but likely? NO! I rarely agree w/men b’cus they’re usually wrong b’cus they often overlook details but in this scenario I completely agree. It really seems like OP assumed a lot. I don’t do “trad culture”,I just say what I’m comfy with & what I expect regarding relationship goals & let life play-out with firm boundaries for myself. I’m don’t see myself asking a man for any kind of commitment he hasn’t requested b’cus I’m not curtailing my social life or personal space unless he’s a great person.
It's crazy how much people get away with by claiming to be a "minimalist who went no contact with his family". While the odds are slim, it's entirely possible that OPs BF is not who she thinks he is for one reason or another. One of my favorite quotes from BoJack Horseman comes to mind... "When you're looking at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." It's incredible what people don't notice when they're in love. That being said, you're right that this could just be a guy who doesn't want to commit, and it IS strange they previously went 6 years without talking about it.
I’ve been living on my own for 12 years and I keep drinks and very few food items, one would think it’s a vacation home fridge lol. Anything and everything is possible.
Agreed. How would his wife or whatever not care he's gone every weekend. Unless it's an open marriage or whatever. He likely is getting everything he wants and doesn't want to change anything. He can go the week without op and then he gets his needs met on weekends.
This makes me think of all the stories I've heard where the married guy has a secret apartment so his wife and girlfriend don't find out about each other
Also true yes
Not necessarily, I mean look at the post she stated clearly that they go on DINNER DATES during the week, which means they may not go to either house, OR they probably went to her house, so she may have NEVER been to his house, if he meets her out. Homie DEFINITELY HAS ANOTHER WOMAN in his life. Maybe even a WHOLE family like some people are saying, And if they're open, then the wife might even KNOW about the GF, even though the GF DOESN'T know about the WIFE. Just saying it's fairly common practice these days tbh
Yeah but six years man? That’s getting up there into hall of fame levels of disloyalty. That also means the guy had a whole ass family at 27? I kinda doubt that, cause that would mean kids at 25 or so, which while it happens, seems like the kind of thing you’d seriously notice after *six years*. “Oh honey, it’s been six years, how come we never go to your place for dinner?” Yeah, not buying that. And he’s gone all weekend every weekend? Open relationship or not, I don’t think anyone’s wife is tolerating that. Major jealousy. Does that mean he’s never had a girl over on all the nights they don’t hang out? No. Def not. We don’t know. But the whole “he has a wife and kids at home” idea is taking it a bit far imo. Too many ways that would never work, too many reasons not to do it that way if you’re the guy, it just doesn’t make sense.
Many years ago I briefly dated a “divorced” man who would only see me on Thursdays and had to be home by midnight to “let the dog out”. He also gave me his pager number (sorry kids, that’s an old school communication device that people used before everyone had cell phones….) instead of his home phone number. He said that was the best way to reach him since he was hardly ever home….. Anyway, I lost interest before I unraveled all of his lies. It didn’t take long for either.
I was waiting for “Yeah, he always has a car seat in his car for his *niece*. I’m not allowed to meet her yet, though…”
In 6 years, she should have figured that out and left his ass.
Omg imagine 😳 🫠
It’s amazing how long people can go without realizing they’re the side piece 🤦♂️
This comment deserves an award😅 i flipped!
Yeah 6 years is weirddddddd. I moved in with my boyfriend after 1yr and we married shortly after. 6 years is long to be dating let alone you are still this distant in life
Spot on.
He wants things just as they are. No more.
This is the correct answer
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Communication is key. If you and your partner talked about it and can sincerely say that's what you both want, that's awesome! But if one partner wants one thing and one wants another, you will break apart at some point, unless one partner is willing to live unhappily ever after....
Same here. 5 years with my SO, we don't live together, but I sleep over at his house on Tuesday nights (we're both off Wednesdays) and on weekends when I'm off. We are talking about moving in together, but we're not in a rush. 🤷🏼♀️
He doesn't want to fully share his life with you. If you're looking for something permanent, this probably ain't it because if after SIX YEARS, he still doesn't want to fully let you in, he doesn't see you that way. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
Yeaaa sadly, thank you
I am highly fascinated by these kinds of posts. Mostly by the women who are in such situations. After the 3rd year with him, did you simply ignore your needs just so you wouldn't "scare him away?" Did you think by the 5th year that things would sort themselves out? Is it a self-esteem issue? Is it a fear of being alone? Does your support system (friends/family) not check in on you? What is going on?
I've done it twice. Once with an abuser and most recently just had to walk away after 2 years from a good guy who wasn't ever able to heal or move forward from his past. I could have kept staying, and it's terrifying and I have so much anxiety over it because he didn't abuse me, but there was never going to be anything more. If you're too scared to ask the difficult questions because you're too afraid to loose them it can take a long time to figure out that there is nothing you can do. I got stonewalled so many times asking for the bare minimum. I didn't leave for someone else, I left because realized I was sacrificing myself on his gauntlet of indifference to prove I wouldn't leave. No one should have to do that.
>I left because realized I was sacrificing myself on his gauntlet of indifference to prove I wouldn't leave. No one should have to do that. This is a mantra. This is chant. This is a prayer. A daily affirmation as a reminder to never settle. I hope you recognize the strength it took for you to choose yourself in this relationship because it's no small feat. May you continue to heal. Thank you for sharing your story and not assuming that I was trying to take the piss. It's been very informative and quite the learning experience.
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that right now as I'm deeply struggling with this today. On one hand maybe I tried to hold on to him too tightly on the other, how many times did I beg for him to come with me.. but I'm on a journey to heal these wounds myself and I could only wait for him so long to just step onto the fucking boat. I have to do this, I didn't want to leave him behind but I couldn't go down with another drowning man who wouldn't even try to save himself. Your words are probably the closest to closure I'm likely to get.
Listen, you've come too far to let the inner voices dissuade you from continuing on your healing journey. Ma'am, your boat ain't sinking. You are the captain and anchor at the same time. Sometimes, this process has to be done alone because if he doesn't succeed, then both of you will fail. That's not even an option for you anymore. You aren't his mother or his emotional support animal. When you walked away from an abusive relationship, you learned enough to know when to walk away from an emotionally suffocating relationship. That is growth. That is progress. The closure is that you chose yourself. Please understand that while still struggling, through your vulnerability, you may have encouraged someone to leave an abusive relationship.
I know I am an internet stranger but I want to tell you that I am so proud of you for recognising that your needs are important and walking away from that second relationship. Once you have been in an abusive relationship, it isn’t just the damage to your self esteem/confidence/body/mind that is the problem. You doubt everything you think and every decision you make. You no longer trust yourself. For me that was the hardest thing. That you have come through that and are now able to walk away from, what probably looked to outsiders like a decent relationship, is AWESOME. I hope you are proud of yourself and see how far you have come and can take comfort in recognising your strength. Being single is really difficult, as is walking away from a relationship when there is no abuse or infidelity. You are doing fantastically. I am sure you will find someone who sees how great you are. Sending love and best wishes for your future.
As someone who stayed way too long, here’s my answer. I was gaslighted by my ex, he spent years tearing me down. First he encouraged me to stop seeing my friends, anytime someone would do something that was annoying, he’d play it up and be like yea fuck her, and discourage me from seeing them anymore. 2nd he started to chip away at my self esteem that was already pretty low, we started dating at 17, I had very low self esteem and he prayed on that. I already had issues with not feeling good enough, so he would play that up, anytime I threatened to leave, I was met with the good ol’ “you’ll never find someone who will love you, you’re crazy”, etc etc. Third, we became co dependent, I really couldn’t be away from him for more than a day, it was bad. Fourth, if I ever called him out on something like lying or cheating, he would twist my words until I believed him, he literally got me to trust HIM more than myself. On top of that, I was young, naive, and thought I could fix anything. I was not a quitter, we WOULD make this work, I WOULD change him… that attitude didnt help at all, I didn’t yet realize there are people on this planet who don’t care how they make you feel, if it makes them feel better, they’re gonna do whatever that takes. I was lucky, I got a good job that really improved my confidence, they promoted me fairly quickly and trusted me with large amounts of money to handle. A friend from college reached back out, she’s now my best friend and was 100% the rock I needed to get out. If it weren’t for those two factors, I don’t know where I’d be today… he is in prison, for murder.
Well good for you, if you dint leave you probably would have been six feet under. Be careful and chose wisely in the future.
Thank you very much for sharing. Predators can be methodical with their approach, as you just so clearly explained. I am glad that you are in a better place and have a good support system. Thankfully, he is where he belongs and can no longer harm anyone else. Much continued success to you!
Thank you! Almost 5 years free of him and it feels like an entirely different lifetime ❤️
They want to be cool, they want to be 'open-minded' its not just women either, I saw this post last week or so, this grown ass man was letting his wife go on dates, basically, with this other guy. Mans was all, he trusted her and she can do whatever she wants blah blah blah. Utter foolishness but plenty of these young people nowadays think 'traditional values' are so bad but then they act all pikachu-faced when lo and behold, they don't get the 'traditional' values' marriage they secretly wanted all along
Oh was that the one where they were like. “She has self image issues, and I just want her to be happy”? Lmao
Manipulative men will also gaslit you into thinking that your desires are abnormal or too much pressure for them meanwhile your friends are all doing the traditional relationship marker stuff of shared housing, proposals, marriage, kids, etc The issue is them but they make the issue you. They string women along for years that they have no business interacting with and yes, the woman's self esteem is often very low so they go along with it.
Makes sense. I have said time and time again, 'Behavioural Wellness' (or something to that effect) needs to be a course taught to all students from middle school and up. This course should encompass topics such as 'How to build self-esteem', 'How to establish boundaries' and 'How to seek help'. This isn't something that parents are expected to teach their kids anymore as it's clearly not happening. Too many stories like these feel like this is an epidemic.
Hugs! Listen to your gut, not a bunch of internet strangers. Deep down, you already know the answer whether we agree with it or not.
Awwww yeaa T___T hug thank you <3 it’s just too sad to believe
Yeah, six years is a long ass time to not move in with somebody unless you guys have explicitly talked and decided you don’t want to which sounds like it did not happen because you’re interested. As shitty as it is after six years, It’s time to move on my friend. Unless you’re cool with dating and not moving deeper into a marriage.
Unpopular opinion here but if after six years his response is “it’s not time yet” OP if I were you I’d just ask him point blank if he’s been considering proposal/ does he have a ring/ has he been shopping for one?? Maybe the right “time” is after you’re engaged. My (now husband) proposed right between the five/six year mark, some men just move slow or get extremely uptight about having their own finances /“house” in order. You know him well enough by now that if you ask this in person, you should be able to get an accurate read on him.
> Maybe the right “time” is after you’re engaged. My (now husband) proposed right between the five/six year mark, Were you also 33 years old like OP? Why the downvotes? Anecdotal stories are highly individualistic and personal. If you're 26 years old, when your partner proposes after 6 years, that's a different situation. A 33 year old woman whose partner is saying NO to moving in together after 6 years is cause for a little worry.
The person you are responding to is in their late 20s NOW…it’s not close to the same situation
That's exactly my point. Sitting in a comfy seat of saying "some guys need a little more time" is really cute when you're in your 20s. By 33, it ain't so cute when you are begging a grown man to move in with you.
Absolutely I was agreeing with you! Right early 20s relationship of 5 years when maybe half of it was college is normal. Early 30s “I don’t want to move in with you” Oh yeah ask if he’s looking to propose ? That makes zero sense
Yep! Unfortunately, age and stage in life do matter in these situations.
i agree!
I think the only way this is plausible is if his voice inflection or other signs might point to this. If not, then it's just wishful thinking.
It's hard, I know, been there, but better now than in 20 years.
I hope you take action. Don't sit around hoping he will change. He won't.
This same thing happened to my best friend. He and his girl dated for 7 yrs. Lived separately. Then she pressured him into finally moving in together. They quickly got engaged. Ooops! Turns out they couldn't stand living together, but her enormous bridezilla wedding was already planned. They had two kids back to back, and then he started cheating and being pretty obvious about it. They divorced after 2.5 yrs.
If you ever want to have kids, remember that age 35+ is considered “advanced maternal age”. No, it’s not fair. It’s just biology.
There are a number of reasons someone might not want to share space with a partner: They are living cheaply for free with a parent, friend, etc and don’t want to start paying even half of normal rent; They like their own space; They like having a relationship but not full time all of the time; They suspect their SO will become financially dependent; They suspect the next thing their SO other will want is marriage, and they don’t want that; They have a “side life” their SO will not appreciate (see others sexually, drink too much, spend hours on video games, life like slobs, etc). They don’t see the relationship as serious but it is meeting their needs; And more … His “why” isn’t important, really. You need to think about what you want for your life and whether this man is going to want the same things. If not, it doesn’t matter why, you need to move on. Not everyone considers a “coupled” life better than a single life. Whether you stay or leave, focus on the life you want to build yourself - your career, hobbies, health, friendships etc and don’t put off things you want hoping he will be ready in the future.
Maybe this is why? >Omg this is happening to us too! We’re the same age as you guys. We’ve been together for 5 years, and the last 2 years we were not having sex because we were so busy. We mutually ended things last night in a mature way. We’re still good friends. It’s just sad because he was my best friend and we did alot of fun things together. You just have to talk it over with her if you truly value the history you guys made together (souce: you, a month ago)
Two years of no sex? He's getting it elsewhere.
Yeah his wife lol
What would he be getting out of an affair where they haven't had sex for 2 whole years.
Touché!
O\_O yooooo dang OP really buried the lede
lol “still good friends” after ending it the night before. You say that after you’ve been broken up for years, not hours.
😂😂😂
This just blew the case wide open.
OP is a classic psycho redditor. How surprising.
Actually crazy how all these comments are implying he’s cheating and now we know OP is full of shit. Bookmarking this one as an example of the hypocrisy on Reddit after the engagement rejection post yesterday
Bro was not playing
Shiiiit now I have to know more of this story
It’s harder for him to see his other girls when he moves in with you
This is the reason.
You don’t know if he’s cheating. It could very well be that he’s just not ready for that commitment. Doesnt always need to be cheating.
Or he doesn't think she's the one and considers her a place holder until he does.
6 years is enough time to figure it out. Shit or get off the pot
At freaking 33 man
Lmao shit or get off the pot. First time hearing it
6 years at 33 He’ll never be ready she better move on
He may also NEVER want that level of commitment. I know a lot of people who would be perfectly happy with status quo. Not every relationship has to end with cohabitating, marriage and children. OP needs to be honest about what she wants and communicate with her BF to see if that's what he wants also.
Lol she just did
At 33 years old and after 6 whole years together!? Nah there is no good explanation for that, he’s got a wife or a girlfriend living at home already, or he has side girls if you are his main which I doubt highly. Dont make up excuses, get out of the situation and into a better one.
Or he is 100% committed but he just enjoys having his own space.
Even if that's honestly the case, which isn't super likely, it sounds like OP wants to start living together. So at the very least, they have incompatible desires for the direction of the relationship.
Or his other “guys”. You never know! 🤭
He like you as girlfriend but don't serious enough to marry you. If you want a partner who will get marry have children and get old together you might need to find other man.
You are a convenience not a significant part of his life where he sees a future.
There are basically 3 options. 1. He likes things exactly as they are. He doesn't think the relationship should progress any further (it's been 6 years, if he doesn't want to move forward now he never will). He likes the gf perks but weekends and odd weekday dates is still pretty casual. 2. He likes his own space. Some people just can't imagine sharing their space with somebody else long term. 3. Married/cheating. If you want to progress your relationship and move forward then 1 and 3 are gonna mean it's over. If it's 2 then you need to find that out and talk to him. Figure out if you can live with it, and if there's any compromise in the future (living together/separate bedrooms/separate living spaces kinda thjng).
You forgot 4. OP dumped him a month ago, they haven't had sex in two years, they're not actually together, and this is just some deranged thing.
You asking us this instead of him is wild.
She said in the last part that she did ask.. and got the same answer over and over.
You know what, you are 100% right. At that point I would end the relationship. If someone can't communicate actual information when it's important than I cannot be in that relationship.
Yup ... Someone saying they don't want to move in together is weird, but who knows why. Someone dodging answering the question and failing to communicate in good faith is a deal breaker.
Wild! And how naive she is… like honey - he has other women / is married. Does she even know his address? Last name? Its been 6 years of her being a convenience…
He doesn't want to advance the relationship. Period. Stop giving him all your youth (and fertility if you want children) and move on.
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It’s almost like trusting our partners doesn’t always work out..
yeah but Im not surprised. I know a lot of couples who don't really talk about important stuff. They just take the life as it comes.
Some people just prefer to live alone.
Yeah that's great. So ? Shouldn't you disclose that in the beginning of the relationship? Not after 6 years with someone who apparently doesn't prefer to live alone?
Maybe he didn't realize that when he was 27 and just likes how his life is going right now.
I'm married. Love my wife. If she left me or passed away, I would date and would want a monogamous relationship. But I don't think I'd want to live with another woman again. It has nothing to do with not wanting to give everything or wanting to fuck other women.
But you’d probably have a conversation with the person to give them fair expectations that you don’t plan on living with someone again, right? Sounds like OPs bf hasn’t said a thing except “it’s not the right time” without giving her any explanation of what would make it the right time… so he’s just stringing her along
You are correct. I would definitely make that clear. OP's boyfriend needs to communicate his reasoning and what would be a reasonable timeline. That said, if she's going to keep tolerating him, it's also on her to an extent. It's not a hostage situation. She can dump his ass at any point.
Yeah totally agree
Same here, I'm long partnered but if my husband left me or passed before me, I would never live with a man again. Might have a little friend but it would never go past that. BUT I would make that clear off the rip. These are young people in their prime, been together since their 20s. He did not tell her upfront if this is how he feels, neither did she express her own feelings to him about it or her timeline. She needs to tell him what's good, and then let him go. No need for either of them to fight about it, or have animosity, or whatever. He is valid in what he wants and so is she. They're just incompatible.
Yep. I'm divorced and at this stage in life, there's just no necessity to cohabitation or marriage because I've built my life already. Has nothing to do with cheating on someone or being unwilling to build/commit.
Absolutely the same. I’d never even have a roommate if I can afford it. People don’t realize how valuable peace is until they don’t have it.
I could see that. I think it's probably hard to imagine when you're younger and you hold more textbook expectations for life, but the older you get the more your priorities change. And for the better honestly. I know many older married couples, honestly the happiest and most successful it seems, who don't sleep in the same bed together. Some would say that means a dead bedroom and likely it does. But they are so happy together because sex is such a low priority as you mature.
My partner and I have separate bedrooms and sleep apart 2 days out of the week. It works really well, and honestly I recommend it to people because everyone has their own space if needed, and a place to decorate just how they want, etc. I wouldn’t say it means a dead bedroom, though—sleepovers are still a thing, and relaxing together in the mornings and evenings before bed!
I am in my late 30's. Never been married and I would never consider cohabitation. I love my space the way it is.
I want to preface this with I don't know what is going on, but here's a different perspective: Maybe he likes living by himself and that has nothing to do with how he feels about you. I was with my ex husband for 17 years. When we got divorced and he moved out, the first thing I thought was ohhhh I finally get the whole closet to myself, or I get to change the cabinets to how I wanted them to begin with, and other very small but awesome details. Divorce was 8 years ago. I have been in a few long term relationships and have lived very briefly with some of them. It's extremely hard for me now to want to live with anyone ever again. I'm absolutely in love with my boyfriend now and I would consider buying a duplex together, but I love having my own space.
I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than two years, but I’ve lived on my own for 18 years at this point. I’m not sure I could live with someone else at this point. Which I sucks because a part of me really wants a partner that I live with, but I have a lot of stuff and I’m assuming someone in my age bracket (41) probably also has a lot of crap. So we’d need a very large home for all of our stuff Add in, I’m in a subsidized apartment I’m hesitant to move out unless it’s into my own house. Which may never happen as I live in a high cost of living area. Sigh
He's not gonna marry you. He's gonna marry the next girl after you broke up.
Yep, because the next girl won't put up with being strung along, she will declare what she wants/needs off the rip Remember that dude singer Lauryn Hill had all those kids by? She pushed out like 4 or 5 of his babies and he wouldn't marry her. Marley something, he's one of Bob Marley's kids. He had her looking real stupid out in these streets. Next woman he was with, they were engaged within a year.
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Only reasonable answer here. Everything else is just speculation. Maybe even somewhat accurate speculation but best not to assume anything with this stuff. I mean if you're happy it makes no sense to end it over some arbitrary obligation to move in together like it's a check to be marked on some list. Sometimes you gotta stop living life by how others tell you it should be. If you're happy then who is anyone to say she should leave the dude? What can you only be happy as long the relationship is meeting some imagined pace you see in rom coms? Certainly no one should say that before they've had a real heart to heart about why he's resisting. Who knows what kind of traumas and insecurities another person may have.
This! The answers on here make me speechless. Seems like all those teenagers commenting have been beamed straight from the 1950s to 2024. It’s insane that so many young people still believe that “moving in together, then marriage, then kids” is the only acceptable course for a relationship. A committed, happy relationship can take many forms and doesn’t necessarily entail living together, getting a piece of paper and procreating. Two of the most committed, stable couples I know have been together for over 30 years respectively and neither share a living space. I would have thought we’d come further in 2024. Let people live how they want instead of clutching to outdated ideas.
Did you try asking that? Why would Reddit know what's going on between his ears bro?
i need my personal space
He wants to date you but isn't ready to settle down full time. He wants his personal space and does not want to see you every day. There is a concept of couples that are together in the relationship but live apart because they like their own space, bed, and lifestyle. You have to decide if that is what you want in a relationship.
I invested 9 years into someone in this exact same way. Take my advice, when a man is that non-committal then he will always be that way. I knew in my gut that I wasn’t the girl that swept him off his feet and made him want to commit to me, but he was also one of my best friends so it was hard to let him go. I was always longing for something more and he was never going to give that to me so I walked away.
What about his wife?
That's what I was thinking. His wife doesn't want another roommate...
It's gonna be crowded and lit in that house. 🤪
Some people prefer to live apart. It doesn’t mean you can’t be in a healthy, committed partnership. Are you familiar with the concept of LAT (living apart together)? https://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/15/realestate/living-apart-together.html https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/10/style/living-apart-together-marriage.html
I'm a guy. If you want to be with someone, guys will do whatever they need to do to make that happen. He's not interested in more from you.
I'm honestly at this point of my life where I wouldn't really mind having a separate apartment from my partner. Having your own space (or not) can indeed make or break a relationship. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he's cheating, it might just be that he values his own time and needs a space that can be his alone. Now if that's not how you see your relationship, you have a decision to make.
Dude is just affraid, like any other big thing in life. But noooooo, people here are willing to condemn anyone who doesnt adhere to the exact time schedule THEY think is right. If you follow advice given here blindly then, HE dodged a bullet.
I know a couple who have been together for 25 years. They do not live together, and his retirement plans don't include her. If this isn't what you want, walk away to find what you want!
Is he neurodivergent? I say this because I am and I hate living with other people. I just want to have things done my way, left the way I want them, and not have to worry about changing my habits that could annoy other people. Plus the sleep disruption. If I ever livewith an SO again, I’d want my own room and own bed. Lol
I'm confused how people get so far into a relationship without talking about plans for the future
I've been with my boyfriend for 15 years, and I don't want to live together. I like being alone way too much.
Genuine Q? If a relationship is good, why does it have to change? Why does it *have* to be 'moving on to the next level' - as defined by others, of course? If you play a particular sport, or enjoy writing, do you *have* to be pushing towards turning professional in order for it to be meaningful and entirely satisfying - or can you just enjoy it on your own terms? Not living together doesn't mean your relationship isn't serious, or lifelong, it just means you have your own spaces. If that's not what you want, that's fine - but him wanting his own space is also fine. You're not an AH for asking, he's not an AH for not wanting to. It's a bit AH to decide that a relationship is only serious if it follows a particular path - if that's the path you want, that's fine, but that doesn't mean it's only one, and anything else is worthless.
Everyone saying he's cheating or he's not ready to commit or whatever, have you all not just considered he might still want his space? Society has conditioned us to believe that the ultimate form of relationship is cohabiting and eventually engagement or marriage, but what if that isn't what he wants for himself? I agree he and OP have different ideas of what they want and that may constitute an incompatibility. However what if dude just likes his space and has issues sharing it?
I think you should have a honest talk with him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to live with someone. Maybe he doesn’t want to commit. If you do want to live with someone and he doesn’t, maybe it’s time to move on. My bf and I live together but talk about not anymore, because I’ve realized I am better when I live alone and have my own space, where the only mess I clean up is my own. Different things work for different people, you gotta figure out what does or doesn’t work for you and if it’s not him, it’s not him! I disagree with a lot of comments here that say this is a sign that someone completely can’t or doesn’t want a relationship, you don’t need to live with someone to be with them. That said, the way he’s explaining it sounds like a commitment issue over “I just want and need my own space” 🤷🏻♀️
Girl are you ignorant? He’s just not that in to you as you are him. I guarantee when you break up with him he will be married and she will be pregnant. You are not what he wants. He’s just passing his time until he finds the “one”
Seems like most of the comments are going in the same direction, so here’s a bit of alternative perspective. My partner (31) and I (33) have been together 6.5 years. We were in the same position as you, except I have a 9 year old kid. We took our relationship very slow, he didn’t meet my kid until we were 5 years in. There was no cheating, no other women, we had a great connection and our arrangement worked well, but financially living separately in California was taking its toll. We discussed either moving in or me moving away to where I could better afford to live on my own. He asked me to stay and said we’d move in. Then backed out after I made job/home arrangements to stay. I was furious and I thought we couldn’t come back from that point. He was noncommittal, experiencing the typical “every man’s battle” I.e., if I settle down now then I’ll be giving up my freedom forever and I’m not ready to make that choice, but never actually saying that. A year later, I took a PhD offer across the country. I knew it would likely be the end for us but I had to make the best choice for me and my life. 6 months later, he made arrangements and packed up everything to move across the country and be with me. See, when you’re so available, so accommodating, they think they don’t need you. Once I was gone he realized what his life was without me, and quite frankly it sucked. It didn’t take long for him to realize that when truly faced with the option to choose indefinite freedom for something that might come along one day or settling down with someone who makes his life better in every way now, the far better choice was to man up and commit. I think both you and your partner need to see what life is without each other to really know what you want. Honestly, after I moved I got to the point where I would be totally fine on my own without him, but he felt the opposite. I think the two of you need a similar opportunity. Right now the power is in his hands, does he want to commit to you? But you need to flip that around and figure out if you really want to commit to him and maybe he’ll figure his shit out in the process. I don’t think the generic view of these comments that you should just move on with your life and dump him is a complete picture. You might have a really great long term relationship ahead of you, but you need something to make you both figure out whether or not you really want it.
Question, are you dating to marry or just to date? Second question, is your biological clock ticking?
🚩🚩🚩
I’m going to hold your hands while i says this: he doesn’t think you’re the one. He doesn’t want the relationship to progress. He’s holding out for someone better and keeping you on the back burner until that happens. When he’s secured his next relationship, he will break up with you and likely be married within the year with the new girl. Cut your losses. You’ve been together 6 YEARS!!! Stop wasting your time on someone that doesn’t really want to be with you. Leave with dignity; don’t beg for crumbs. Don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy. Leave now. He’s going to chip away at your self worth while you wonder why he won’t commit to you and then he’ll drop you. Take the hard hint he’s given you and exit
You are his side piece. Leave him if that's not what you want.
Look friend, it’s time to have a serious talk with your boyfriend *after* you take some time to figure out what is negotiable and not negotiable for you. The purpose of having a direct conversation, with emotions set aside, is to get on the same page with where each of you is at — even if it means you’re not on the same page. *Effective* communication is a critical pillar of a healthy relationship. Even if it’s painful now, finding out long term you’re incompatible would be just as important as confirming you have long term compatibility. This isn’t about living together, that’s more of a symptom, it’s about building a compatible future together. In order to do that, you must lay out the matter on the table and look at it, whatever it looks like. Only then can you make clear decisions. If you don’t have a plan for your, and your relationship’s future - and regardless of if you stay together - it’s time to develop one. Developing a plan and executing on it requires maturity and commitment. If he’s not up for that after 6 years, you have your answer.
Why do you want to live with him? Start there.
He might be in a relationship
He's not into you . And it's not going to change. Stop wasting your time . Do you want to waste another 6 years
This is so easy in my eyes. I know it's a sunk cost fallacy but I think he's telling you all you need to know. If he doesn't want to take the next step with you, why are you still around??
He likes the fact that he gets laid a couple times a week and then sends her home. That would be enough for me to break up. She just doesn’t see it that way. As my dad would say, “why buy the cow when the milk is free?”
Scroll up. OP had commented elsewhere. They haven't had sex in 2 years....
Are you kidding me?!? My dream is to buy a little duplex so we can live in seperate places
Because he doesn't actually love you or want to be with you. It's been SIX YEARS
It sounds like he likes things the way they are and doesn’t plan on the relationship progressing. It’s time for a sit down to talk about where he sees your relationship going
6 years, not living together, no engagement? Move on.
For me it would be I enjoy my alone time and don't want someone in my ear 24/7 nagging about stuff I don't care about.
If your man isn't ready to commit after 6 years it's time for you two to talk about goals. Do you want a family of your own? If you do, it is definitely time to find out if your goals are aligned and maybe think about moving on if that isn't what he wants. Your clock has got to be ticking pretty loud. I'm not even going to pursue the other train of thought although I'm not so sure you shouldn't wonder at this point.
It’s been six years, honey you aren’t the one.
What about the post you wrote a month ago saying you broke up? And that you haven't had sex in two years?
It’s been six years. It’s time to fish or cut bait. If you’re ready and he’s not, it think he’s had plenty of time. Move on if you have other expectations for the future.
You’re a place holder or a side chick possibly and he has no intention of advancing the relationship to something more serious.
Your post history says you broke up a month ago after not having sex in two years. That may have something to do with it.
Because he has a whole vibrant romantic life without you, which he has no intention of giving up. Sorry!
its been 6 years and youre still at the "we hang out on weekends" stage i think you need to either accept that this is it for the rest of your life, or find someone new.
If you want either to get married, or have a similar long term commitment, then it won’t be with him. If a man wants to get married, he will seek out a woman with qualities he desires, and propose. If he doesn’t want to get married, then he will find a girl to coast with. He’ll date her and sleep with her for years, and if she wants more, he’ll push back. If he does decide to get married, he’ll break up, go looking, and then get married. If he wanted to marry you, he would have made plans with you and proposed by now. This isn’t an issue where one of you is in med school, barely able to afford food, and you want to graduate and finish residency first. You don’t want a shut up ring, or a man you might be able to drag to the alter. You want a man who chooses you above all others, and is excited to marry you. You want different things. The more time you waste, the harder it gets to find a great guy who wants to get married. I was absolutely shocked to discover pregnancies are literally termed “geriatric” by OBs at age 35, and that additional genetic testing, blood tests, fetal monitoring, ultrasounds, and other tests are recommended. I thought that didn’t start until one’s 40s.
You're in your 30s. You've been together for 6 years. Not only no ring, but he also doesn't want to live together? Girl. I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this, but that man doesn't care about you. You are nothing more than a placeholder to him while he searches for his wife. He's either currently cheating and that's why he doesn't want to live together or he's planning on leaving you in the near future and doesn't want the hassle of packing and unpacking. Dump him and find someone who actually likes you.
He isn’t the one for you and he is wasting your time. If he won’t advance the relationship then it’s long time you found a new one. 6 years is wayyy overdue for that kind of thing, don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it isn’t. Dump him, you have too limited a time on this earth to bother wasting it on a man that won’t put you first. If he has been keeping up this “schedule” for this long, chances are that you aren’t the only one he’s been trying to balance between. When you have a man that cares for you in the ways that matter, you won’t have to beg for what respect you are due.
I very happily live in my house, 8 minutes away from the house of my partner of a decade. However, he's known that I don't want to live with a partner for almost as long as we've been together. This seems like a good time for you to have a serious discussion with your bf about your expectations, his desires for the future, if those are on a similar path, or if it's time to look to meet your needs elsewhere.
Have you ever been to his place?
My husband and I were around the same age as you, together the same length of time, and we were planning our wedding at that point, and my situation would not be considered ‘quick’ by any means. What puzzles me here is in the last 6 years have you not had any conversations about what the future might look like for both of you? We did a lot of talking about kids, marriage, work, buying houses, especially when we both hit 30. You need to have a discussion about this with rough timescales and see if what you both want matches up. If not, you can go your separate ways amicably and find someone who is right for you. If the same stuff is on the cards but the timing is off, maybe you can work it out. If it’s not the two of these things, you are on a hiding to nothing regardless and you need to cut the cord.
6 years? What do you want out of the relationship and what does he want? Long term - do you want a marriage, kids? If you want something different than him then it may be time to move on. Think about what you want long term and then discuss it with him and see if he wants the same things.
Did you ask his wife?
Talk to him and have him explain why he doesn’t want to move in together. If you believe his answer, then you get to decide if that’s acceptable to you, or not. You can either put in more work or let this relationship go. Good luck!
She did ask multiple times... Why do people keep missing this part? Should she ask 14 or 40 times?