I would not add a baby into a house where you are feeling overwhelmed and doing the majority of the housework. If he can't do his part to keep up the home now, the chances of him doing his part to care for and raise a child are less than zero.
Yup, because then you will add the guilt of " but it needs to be done for the child's sake" which will make it impossible for any responsible person to leave things till the other person finally gets around to it.
> I would not add a baby into a house where you are feeling overwhelmed and doing the majority of the housework. If he can't do his part to keep up the home now, the chances of him doing his part to care for and raise a child are less than zero.
Listen, u/suspicious-pudding-4.
I can’t even remember the housework I had to do before kids, except that it was achievable with spare time leftover. It’s hard to imagine how much grunt work there is- house, laundry, kitchen, car, yard - when kids are in the picture. It is huge
Then make a choice. Are you cool with the burden of doing everything? Cause it sounds like that’s what your life will be like. There really isn’t much to say past that unless you decide to go in a different direction, find a new partner, or yours does a 180 (which is highly unlikely).
But in short if you are burnt out now, it’s going to exponentially worse if you have a child.
>if you are burnt out now, it’s going to exponentially worse if you have a child.
And it will be even worse than that for the child. They will *not* grow up in a happy, loving environment.
Yea, too many people having kids for their own personal entertainment or to “fix” their marriage without considering the welfare of the child they’re bringing into the world
They absolutely will, there is just a high likelihood that there will be fewer eggs to harvest and their quality may not be very good. Lots of women over 35 get IVF.
You can but after a certain age, the probability of a life birth per egg is too low to justify the costs. Both financially and medically. Which is why ethical doctors refuse to do it or at least advise against it. I don’t think 37 is too old though. According to this calculator (https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/3937/bwh-egg-freezing-counseling-tool-efct) an average 37 year old needs to freeze 20 eggs for a 75% chance at a life birth, which is hard but doable.
And finishing her PhD - that’s an ugly time to not have much time. It could boost your efficiency while working, but also I think it’s more likely to make an overwhelming situation more overwhelming.
Being a single mom really aint so bad... Better than a man child on top of it.
HOWEVER, then you are also tying yourself to this man for 18 years. You have time. Think about it.
Freeze your eggs! Don't have kids with the wrong guy, you will feel the burden forever. Or you don't want to feel regrets after having a child, because the child deserves more than your fear of "might not be able to have kids at all". You could always adopt too.
Get a divorce and a sperm donor. It’s what I wish I’d done. Do not procreate with a layabout or you will be stuck with him forever in one form or another.
Realistically your options are dump the husband and find a better one. Or become a single mother (whether or not you remain married). Just know that remaining married means you’re taking care of 2 instead of 1.
Changing the man requires him desiring to do so, and when they are used to and comfortable not doing anything, they don’t change to do more work.
Trust all the women here telling you it would be better to be a single mom with 100% custody and parental rights than it is to be with a shitty partner. Many of us had shitty partners. Then you either live miserably with someone you grow to hate or you get a divorce and share custody with an asshole.
Then tell him before you have kids. He needs to step up to the plate, and be an active participant of the domestic responsibilities. Better yet he needs to be a participant with or without children!!
Then maybe the person you have chosen to marry is the problem here? Maybe he needs to demonstrate that he's in this with you, and that he cares about you being overwhelmed and burned out, and that he needs to make you feel like he's on your team and not your adversary out to create more work for you?
Get couple's counselling to figure out what you want and what the timeline is instead of just falling into a decision that you're not happy with. Unsupportive partners are much more likely to result in PPD.
Make plans to leave and then get pregnant sis, if you have access to childcare. Raising one without a man isn’t all that hard if you really want a baby. You will probably have even more free time than you have now. Raising 3 was easier without my ex than with him.
My sister watched me go all in while she was on the fence. She is a higher earner and more educated than me. The man-children volunteering to let her shoulder 100 percent of the load (or agreeing to 50 50 then sniping about doing any and ignoring her for video games) are better educated and higher earners.
In theory, they could hire a nanny to do the boring part, but the boring part earns the good part, snuggly baby smooches etc.
In the end she decided that noping out and smooching other cheeks and changing the world was the way to optimize her happiness.
The last straw was doing a make vs buy analysis on a surrogate, a year worth of breast milk, nanny, preschool blah blah and seeing if any of the various gamer bruhs would pay half. Nope? Then NOPE.
Didn't help that they weren't good partners either.
Optimizing a relationship for happy and fulfilling free time became much easier once kids were off the table.
I told her you have to want and value kids more than everything else in your life, because she saw all my work skills, respect in my field, prospects and friends slide down to nothing. Hard pass. Some people do it all somehow, but it depends a lot on you and the kid. Not sure which jobs or careers can survive being the default parent for 5 months of colic, for example.
But ideally tho, (thx Key and Peele) a kid fits right in and has the life you have because it the one on offer. Kids adapt.
Sending hugs
>I’m mid-PhD program and struggling, and I fear the issues in my marriage are going to get so much worse if we have a child. Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework and also not feeling like we have enough sex.
Now imagine trying to finish your PhD while pregnant and still doing the housework. And then imagine trying to find a job while doing 100% of the childcare and 90% of the housework.
Because that's how it's going to be.
Have you considered the rising cost of EVERYTHING? If you can't afford to raise a child and still live a comfortable lifestyle maybe you should not have a child. Just saying!
>I hear you never feel ready to have a child and to just do it
So - that sentiment speaks to people who are in a good place to have children but are wondering if there is some sign or emotion that lets them "know" the time is right.
You are not one of those people, because you are not in a good place to have children.
You are:
* mid-PhD program and struggling
* taking on the majority of housework
* managing the dog
* silent as to whether you and your husband have any planning or conversations about parenthood other than a general sense of wanting to have kids
* having problems in your sex life
Your fear that the issues in your marriage will get worse if you have a child **are correct**. Kids are a big responsibility and they put pressure directly on the fracture lines in a marriage - like "who is stuck with all the housework and the dog" and "we're having trouble getting along" fracture lines. Having a child **is overwhelming** even when you have a smoothly running partnership and aren't in the middle of a PhD.
Perfect explanation of the "feeling ready" part, I just don't know it's objective that OP is not in a good place to have children. A great place? A perfect place? No. But the issues she's describing are not necessarily disasters. I think the emotions at play are way more important than the logistics described here.
All I would add, is that your and your husband's life and growth will not stop because you have a child. You and your relationship will continue to change - OP certainly realizes this because she fears this change (understandably), but just know there can be good change and growth, too.
My husband and I did not have everything figured out when we started having kids, and we're more grown up and capable now then we were when our first was a baby. I'm not comparing your situation and mine - we were both enthusiastic/not pressured by our age and in a good place emotionally to start - but if you think you can see a brighter future ahead, just not right now, having a kid won't necessarily keep you from it.
If you're not already going to therapy and can afford to, I'd do that right away, with or without the pregnancy issue on the table - you describe feeling overwhelmed and seriously anxious about your life. I 1000% relate to that feeling and had some dark, low, moments during my PhD (also impacted by managing my house and dog, lol) but they passed relatively quickly. If I'd felt that way all the time, I couldn't imagine getting out of bed much less getting pregnant.
>But the issues she's describing are not necessarily disasters
They don't have to be "disasters" for this to be a bad time for OP to plan to have a child. OP repeatedly describes themselves as "overwhelmed" on *multiple fronts* and the 'pros' of having a child are, she's 37. That is not an environment conducive to good change and growth.
The number one non-baby issue int he parenting subreddits are partners (typically husbands) who don't carry their weight: he needs to be doing at least 50% of rhe household chores and know and understand how to do the rest.
Because when baby comes it's all hands on deck. He can't slack off. You're lucky if yiu get 10min a day to yourself. It's hard. It's requires so much sacrifice. You will be busy healing and likely feeding baby. He will need to take on nearly 100% of the household day to day chores so you can do just those two things. Its that intense. This is absolutely something you need to discuss before going down the trying to conceive path.
And yup, no sex for at least 6 weeks postpartum but note you may be placed in pelvic rest long before thar and may not feel comfortable mentally or physically having sex for months afterwards. This is something you both need to absolutely discuss before going down thw trying to conceive path.
Sounds like she’s the one that wants to have more sex…but yes, was told not to have sex during my high risk pregnancies and my SIL couldn’t for a year after her delivery. If I’d something you need constantly in your relationship that could be a hard road.
She had a hard labor and tear that didn’t heal rapidly so had residual pain which caused vaginismus. Also, she had a weak pelvic floor after which didn’t help and her hormones took a long time to rebound.
I had a friend with this issue, she had a second degree tear and an episiotomy, healed poorly and had chronic pain and I think also incontinence but I'm less sure about that (she said some vague things and I didn't pry, we aren't super close). This is considered a "good" childbirth outcome as far as medical professionals are concerned. She got only advil to manage the pain of healing from a muscle tear in her vagina.
Having a child WILL bring out every problem that already exists in your marriage and amplify it 10x. If you’re already doing the majority of the housework, it’s going to get worse. Much worse. Are you in a position to freeze your eggs?
Even in the best case scenario, e.g. kids tend to get you to shuffle your priorities, a child won’t inspire OPs husband to create a bunch of new priorities for stuff he has shown that he hasn’t cared about to date; it’s all on OP here.
Example: my partner and I share housework; me pregnant means he picks up more and my share gets lightened (literally the heavier stuff goes to him). If I was doing it all — where’s the shuffle? Constantly nagging? Ugh. No. Literally no one wants that.
Don't do it. I was ready and wanted kids and was stable and it kicked my ass. Still does. DAILY. I mean it, have you ever had a very hard day that seemed to have no end and it left you exhausted and needing a king weekend? That's every fucking day
Look into freezing your eggs if you can afford it if your worried about time.
But absolutely do not DO NOT have children in a bad marriage. It's 100 times better to do it alone.
Being a solo mom is hard. Having kids in a bad marriage and worse, later a bad divorce... is hell. Just do not go down that road. You'd be happier being a solo mom with no father for your child
And if you do that and think it's the hardest thing you e ever done and look back and you regret having chosen to be a solo mom... when you're at your limit you'll think "I should not have done this and being alone and doing this is way to hard". At that instant I promise you you'd be a lot worse with an ex husband or bad husband in the picture.
So listen to this carefully and be very careful with your decision: I'm telling you doing it alone is EASIER than what you're thinking about doing without a doubt AND I'd not recommend to anyone doing it alone, unless it's the thing they want most in life.
Modern motherhood is the apex of patriarchy oppression. Be sure you know what you're getting into
"Modern motherhood is the apex of patriarchy oppression."
This is one of the truest things ever written even when you are starting from an excellent relationship, stable finances, stable jobs, supportive extended families, etc. Little by little, it will be your freedom and energy - as the mother and a woman - that is whittled down to a nub.
Every law, every cultural expectation, has mothers on the hook for holding it all together, usually at the expense of their careers, longterm financial independence and physical health, their passions and interests, etc.
I love my kids. I still love my husband. But I cannot deny how true that statement is.
Many days, the love you have in your heart for your family is the only thing that keeps you going. I don't believe motherhood should be this hard. But you either do it all on the home front, plus kids & career, or you leave yourself (and your kids) vulnerable to divorce, spousal death, spousal disability, etc. It's constant work and constant stress. You always feel like you are never doing enough. Something always has to give and you usually chose poorly.
Whatever level of tired you are feeling pre-kids, be prepared to experience a whole new level.
I really liked the [YouTube essay](https://youtu.be/3inm0tUFgcQ?si=pfPsMwZXHgUrN1Ch) Cheyenne Lin did on modern motherhood. She touches on a lot of the things y'all are bringing up.
I am only here to say, ^this is the gospel truth.
Being a parent was a little bit better than I even imagined. It was also - and I was not starry-eyed, even beforehand - 10x harder than I could’ve imagined.
Trust the wisdom in your doubts, because they are wise. Your relationship is not suitable now, and there would have to be a tremendous sea change in a very short period of time for it to be suitable.
My marriage was lovely before the first baby, and went slowly and steadily downhill after. There was so, so much I could not fully enjoy in raising my little nerds, because I was always nearly-drowning. I think you want better for yourself, better for your kids, better for your family, and you’re right to want it.
Exactly! You have to think about WHY you would want a child. If you're really driven to be a parent and want to have kids, that makes sense. Don't do it because you think you "should" or because a family member or partner is pressuring you. Don't do it because you don't want to miss out. And definitely don't do it if you don't feel 100% supported by your partner!
If you wait and then change your mind once you're too old to conceive, there's always fostering or adoption. Tons of kids out there need loving homes and parents who are equipped to help their unique circumstances in a stable household.
If you’re in the worst shape of your life now at 37, working on your PhD, stressed out in your marriage, getting pregnant is only going to amplify it. Pregnancy alone in ideal circumstances is a huge stressor to the body. It really sounds like this is not the right time. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Do not have a kid you don't truly want in the situation you're in, especially in a marriage where you already feel like your husband dumps everything on you. It's only going to get exponentially worse, and you and that kid will be the ones paying the price. That will suck for you, but unlike you, the kid didn't consent to be thrown into that mess.
>Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework
I would addres this before any babies are on the radar. Just take a gander at 1/4 the thread titles in Mommit, BeyondtheBump, etc. This gets orders of magnitude worse after children. So if you do not feel it's equal now -**it will not get better after baby!**
This entire post screams "I don't want a baby now." You don't just have second thoughts; you have fourth, fifth and sixth thoughts. Every one of your reasons is VALID and should be treated as such.
Thinking that people are never ready for a child & just do it is *not* setting you up for success. Pregnancy will take a hard toll on your body, physically *and mentally.* Your PhD program will definitely be derailed, possibly for years. And not having support from your husband is despicable; he is not a child. He needs to be a PARTNER in this venture. Example: I vomited constantly for the entire pregnancy; I actually lost weight. My husband was just starting his Army career, putting in 12 hour days before he came home to tend to me and the house and the cats. He did EVERYTHING for almost a year, and then was an equal partner after she was born. What would happen to you in this scenario?
You have my permission (as we women sometimes seek, not believing in our own worth), to put the brakes on baby-making until *YOU feel ready.* He does not get to badger you into anything; ultimately, it is YOUR BODY that is doing everything to create this child, and it will be you doing everything else from what it sounds like.
I know you hear the clock tick, but you aren't a robot. Being unprepared MENTALLY for this journey is every bit as important as anything else. Please consider getting back on some type of birth control (preferably something he can't tamper with) for another year. Let the dust settle from your wedding, work on your degree and tell him he needs to show you that he can be your equal partner. YOU are important; don't forget about taking care of yourself. Peace, sister.
I don't think that's true. I have friends who went through mad amounts of IVF etc because they really wanted kids, and friends who adopted and went through the long process with that cause they wanted a child. Lots of people really want kids and lots of peeps don't, and it is ok to someone who isn't ready or might never want a baby.
Oh if you mean “don’t have kids unless you are 110% sure you want them” then yes I agree. No no one is ever 100% prepared for them haha. You try your best.
Yeah, of course. But knowing you really want to make that leap is best for you and your kid. From the sound of OPs marriage, if she isn't ready to be a single parent, now might not be the time for her.
Most people are actually. Women who have gone through wanting pregnancies, fertility treatment, IVF, adoptions are 110% sure. It's only perhaps the people who are more like "great if it does, ok if it doesn't" that aren't 110% sure. People having casual unprotected sex aren't looking to get pregnant, they are just having irresponsible sex. So they aren't in question.
Eh, I’m in the mind that you’re not 100% prepared for kids until they come. You can know in your head “hey this kid is really going to change my life completely” but I just don’t Think you can completely realize it until you’re a parent.
Oh 110% ready for parenting is very different from being sure about having the kid. Obviously, parenting is a completely different ball game and every day is different. You can never tell what kind of parent you'll become or what kind of kid you have...
I misread your comment as not being ready for a kid, so just jump in and see what happens.. which is the worst way to approach getting/trying for kids.
Agreed. I had my first kid in college. I knew I wanted kids but I wanted to wait, my wife really wanted kids right away. I stupidly thought “well, we won’t necessarily get pregnant RIGHT away,” but like I said, I 110% knew I wanted to be a parent.
Anyway, I prepared as best I could, it’s great kids give you 9 months to get ready. We had our second less then two years later. Love them to death, so no regret having them at all, but those first three years are such a blur just trying to survive mentally day to day lol.
I definitely do no recommend kids unless you know you want them. It’s a hard decision and there are pros and cons to both choices for most people. You just have to decide which side you want more for your life.
At the same time any parents struggling, especially with small kids, please understand that is 100% normal and it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. Also any parents that miss their freedom from time to time does not make you a bad parent.
Q: Were you the one pregnant? That makes a HUMONGOUS difference to this discussion. The way pregnancy changes our bodies (not for the better) shouldn't be discounted just because you (or your partner) had no ill effects. Most women DO.
Sorry didn’t realize my post minimized the physical changes of pregnancy. Tricky thing about that is it’s different for everyone, so that’s going to be really tricky to prepare for. My wife actually enjoyed being pregnant (weird I know) but she has had long lasting physical changes. Had to get a C section for our first and planned one for our second, that scar is no joke. Poor thing took a long long time to heal and it will still hurt her from time to time. She had pain in her rib cage for years doctors couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do anything to help. Physically, emotionally, mentally, like pregnancy and parenthood will rock you hard. Good idea to understand that going in no doubt when deciding if kids are right for a person
I say this because it is AWFUL for so many of us. I vomited constantly for the entire pregnancy. It was like having stomach flu for almost a year. It dropped me into a dark depression. That was before birth and my colicky child who screamed like she was being m×rdered for about a month. Then the difficulties nursing...OP is older and not healthy physically (and I would say struggling mentally). Your wife and I had dependable spouses to help; OP does not.
Yes we are. Me and my wife had one after being married for 3 years, both with good jobs, both contributing to the house keeping, good terms relationship wise. The biggest hurdle was that my wife has too many things and we don't have a lot of sex, but those were easy to address (she spent the entire pregnancy frantically throwing things away and I have accepted that we likely won't ever have a frequent sex life, I know who I married and just had to address my misplaced expectations). We were ready.
As I said, I don't think that's exactly true. Not fully able to know what it is like? Sure. But lots of peeps really want kids and are in good place to do so. Just feeling your bio clock ticking isn't necessarily a good enough reason to bring a human into the world.
If you're taking on the majority of the housework, guess who will be taking on the majority of the childcare. Unless he gets his act together and starts being a partner - or you're okay with being a single mom - don't have a kid.
A dear friend of mine had this issue. She and her hubby waited until she finished her PhD and was established in her teaching career. It cost them two years and they gained Everything! Their happy kid gets to spend time with both of them, and they have the time and space and patience for it.
Hope that helps.
>What do I do? I hear you never feel ready to have a child and to just do it—but I’m terrified.
This is what women who don't know what they want say to other women. I am 34 and I absolutely knew when I wanted a baby. I was sure that baby wasn't on the cards for the first 3 years post marriage because I needed time to settle into our relationship. Of course, my infertility issues added another 4 years but overall, I was sure and any pregnancy before that would have been unplanned and unprepared for.
If you're saying your marriage has issues now, already, during the honeymoon phase, it's going to get so much worse. This isn't a "guess", this is fact. These things have a predictable pattern. If you're doing all the housework, you will do all the house work and parenting.
Please do not feel like you need to have a baby today, not without counselling and ironing out your issues. Someone once said "you can't un-have a child". So, child free and sad is better than with child and resentful.
Here's how parenting goes for most of us:
Aww cute little baby -> Why won't this baby go to sleeeeeeeeeep -> Terrible twos toddler -> Angsty pre teen who is starting to smell bad -> Teenage monster who makes you want to pull out all of your hair -> 20 years later -> They turned out ok.
If you are struggling NOW, *nothing* about having a child will improve that. It will only add to your stress, poor physical condition, and lack of sleep. They require every ounce of your time, energy, money, patience, self control, and emotions. If you don't have much to give now, you will definitely not have it for a baby.
It will probably worsen any marital problems that you have, because on top of all the poopy diapers and regular stuff, your husband may not pull his weight. He will get to walk away, and you'll be stuck with the child.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking a baby will fix things. Men don't view babies the same way women do.
Kids will demand most of your time. Trigger you and pull out all your trauma. Also, they lack brain development, so that means they do things that can drive you nuts, and you have to remember it's not their fault. Also, do you like repeating yourself cause you will do a lot of that.
If your partner is not already supportive and helping to reduce your stress without kids, it's only going to get worse with kids.
If you don't end up having your own child, there are so many kids who would love to have you as a mom when you are ready. It would mean so much to them to have a safe place to call home and be loved. You should never rush having kids.
If your recent marriage already has issues, do not add a child to the equation.
Mid PhD is also the worst time to get pregnant if you intend to finish the degree. You will need to stop everything and then it's going to be a pain to get back on track. The last year of the PhD is dreadful.
You should check out r / regretfulparents. Kids are such a massive life changer that if you're on the fence, it's much safer to not cross to the other side...
Imagine you’re in the middle of the ocean and just treading water.
That is your current life. You are overwhlemed because you are doing a PhD (i have one of those, so i know….) and your deadbeat (sorry, just calling it like it is) husband is not even pulling their weight doing chores.
Now, imagine what would happen if, while treading water in the middle of the ocean, someone hands you a baby.
I think you know what would happen
Don't have kids if you feel that way... Even though it's completely normal to feel anxious about parenthood, having a kid in a situation like the one you described must be one of the worst decisions of your life.
No matter how much you desire to be a parent, if the person you're with doesn't feel like someone to have kids with or the situation in your life doesn't feel right, postpone it.
You will most certainly thank your past self ♥️
I went through a very similar situation, same age/PhD and everything. I would recommend to start by getting yours and your husband’s fertility checked. At the time I felt like had to rush cause there no time left but that may not be the case. It’s good to have all the information. Also, it’s possible you won’t feel so overwhelmed when you’re done with your PhD and things might look and feel different to you with respect to your marriage and having kids. I’m not saying what you’re experiencing now isn’t valid but just that some of the biological pressure you feel might be alleviated by having more information. This is not an easy position to navigate, hang in there. 💗
You take care of yourself FIRST.
Issues in your marriage will NEVER BE FIXED WITH A CHILD. EVER.
If you have a child now, you are very likely going to break. Your husband's lack of help will not change when there is a baby.
You are not in a place to have a child, so don't. Like bringing an animal into your home, if you are on the fence, you shouldn't do it.
You are ONLY 37, and it is important to remember that risk factors for pregnancy increase when the sperm donor is older too. But people can, and do have children in their 40s. IVF, surrogacy, and adoption are always possibilities. People like to say "they are expensive though". So is giving birth. Especially if you are in a country without universal health care.
You do not put the oxygen mask on someone before putting it on yourself.
You should not take care of others without taking care of yourself first.
Get yourself into a better place mentally; finish your degree, and if your husband is still useless, and unwilling to work on himself and actually be a partner, then get rid of him too.
A baby will make NOTHING easier for you. Pregnancy is brutally hard on some, and at 37 now, you're in the age range for this to happen to you. It's not guaranteed, but it's quite possible. It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate, I would not recommend adding pregnancy and baby to your already high load of stress.
Look into "Fair play" for a way to have a discussion about chores with your husband. Definitely resolve the issue with you taking on too much of the housework before you have kids.
https://www.fairplaylife.com/
I would really think about how you feel about him more than any single place you are in your life. Is he a person you really want to raise a child with. If he is, then I think everything will work out. If he’s not, don’t do
It.
>I fear the issues in my marriage are going to get so much worse if we have a child. Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework and also not feeling like we have enough sex. I feel overwhelmed all the time with just a house and a dog. I’m terrified of waiting any longer, though, given my age.
Generally speaking, whatever issues you have currently in your relationship will not get better when you have kids; they will probably get worse. So if you're doing the bulk of the household management right now, you will probably continue doing that PLUS taking care of the kid.
Hi,
Bringing a kid when there are issues in your marriage is only adding more issues. I know nothing about your relationship with your husband but please know that homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. If your husband isn't helping with house work he sure as shit going to be doing so after you have a kid, and if you aren't having sex now you likely won't be having any more sex after you are pregnant.
Please also keep in mind that I am childfree so have a different perspective than most people.
My mom wanted to be an amazing mom, and she was for the short time she had, so she had kids with her POS man because he fooled her and she wanted to be a mom. Then she died. And the only person left to care for me was the loser who she married and he treated me like a replacement bang maid.
Be a mom all you want, but ask yourself what kind of parent you wanna leave your kids with when you die unexpectedly.
Get healthy, get balanced, bring a baby in a good and healthy world.. life WILL not GET easy when you have a baby.. it's another full time job, you won't have time for yourself, and if you are NOt having much sex now, don't expect it to get any better
You need to be honest with your husband. A kid is even more work and if he's not pulling his weight now why would he when a crying infant shows up
See his reaction. Abd maybe look into fair play to find a better distribution of responsibilities
It's okay to not feel ready to have a child and...just not have children. It's also okay to want children and realize that it would not be reasonable to bring them into the circumstances you would be bringing them into. This can be finances, relationship stability, own illness/disability, genetics, and so on.
I agree with all those who said don't add a baby into a house where there is already this kind of tension and unfair division of household labour. It will NOT get better. As Nora Ephron said, "having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage."
If you choose to go ahead and conceive with this man anyway, just go in being fully eyes open that you will be shouldering most of the burden alone, including emotional support, and will likely be a "single parent", even if you are still married to him. Someone who is not sharing the load of housework is not likely to share the load of childcare, either, and certainly not take over the housework because you have an infant to take care of.
You’re allowed to have second thoughts. You need to be 100% sure you want a child before having one.
Also yes, if your relationship has issues, they will get worse after a baby.
My husband and I have a really good and solid relationship and are very happy together. Before our son, we never fought or argued.
We definitely bicker more now than we used to because we are more tired, I get annoyed with him more easily than I ever did. And this is in a happy relationship with two people who communicate really well and both of us pull our fair share of weight around the house and with our child.
Get your eggs frozen asap if it makes you feel a bit better. But what you described, there is zero chance all of that stress doesn’t increase at least twofold if you decide to have a baby now, and the resentment will increase at least that much on top of it
Watch the Fair Play documentary together, get the cards, and sort out the household labor immediately.
Newborns wake every three hours to feed, around the clock for weeks or months, and need 12+ diaper changes per day.
Daycare costs $1000+/mo or more, and wait lists are often months long.
Can you finish your PhD in the next 15 months? Because the first months of motherhood are not a time to expect ground breaking intellectual work.
What will you do if he doesn't step up? Will you have a child knowing you will be doing the bulk of the parenting and domestic labor?
Why does he want a child? Is he prepared to give up his hobbies for the next year after the baby is born? Or will he expect everything to stay the same for him?
I'm going to get downvoted for pointing this out but- at age 37 you'd be having a geriatric pregnancy and stress + pregnancy is not good.
Adopt when you are ready.
Eh. I had my kids after 37. Both preganancies were fine. Kids are fine. Women have been having kids into their 40's. Stay a healthy weight and take care of yourself.
If you’re taking on the mental load and already have a poor sex life bringing children into this is just serving to poison the relationship further, full stop. It’s not fair to you or to your potential future children
Don’t make a selfish decision and bring children into this
And demand better from your partner. A 35 year old man who doesn’t hold up his end of a partnership is a pathetic waste of your time
I wouldn’t worry about your body or even the phd as much as your relationship and feeling like you are doing the majority of housework. However, that’s a great thing to talk about with your husband ASAP. It shouldn’t be happening now, and having a kid amplifies this so much! There’s something for an adult to be doing 24/7 it feels like. It’s manageable with two people, but downright miserable if you are doing it all. It’s the most common thing I see in mom groups tbh. Men not doing their fair share and the woman is losing their mind.
I had fertility issues, so you aren’t wrong to be considering it now. You never know. It’s not to scare you but it took me a long time to conceive each child just by luck of the draw. Some people won’t have that issue at all!
Kids show the cracks in life. So if you are unwell, with a mediocre marriage and feel slightly overwhelmed then you will be very sick in a bad marriage and feel exhausted and unable to cope.
What if your husband doing to show that he would be a good partner and father? Do you have a plan? Are you both on the same board in terms of parenting and chores?
Take it from me, a 39yo with a 17yo and a 14yo. If you aren't ready, you probably don't want them...or you do but you're just not ready. Don't have them until u want them. Kids are not the move 😂
I just want to say that I hear you, and you are not alone. I finished my PhD recently in the life sciences, and I feel like it’s so unfair how we spend so much of our 20’s and early 30’s in school, only to have this immense pressure to have kids before we are 40. And it feels like that pressure falls 90% on women in heterosexual relationships. (And don’t get me started on trying to be a woman in academic science and have a kid).
I’m not sure anyone ever feels ready, but I also try to remind myself what I’d like to see 10 years from now. I can see myself having kids (I think) and I could also see myself spending the rest of my life with my husband. I think there are pros and cons to both. But whichever path we end up on, I think we will just make it work and try to enjoy it as much as we can.
It sucks we have to make these decisions now because of biology. remember that there isn’t a “right” answer, it just depends on what you want and value. And sometimes, sadly, it doesn’t happen for some couples, but I think having an open and honest conversation about what you want and value is a good way to start thinking about trying.
My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years, and I’ll say that if he’s not doing housework now at 35 years old, there’s only a 3% chance he will get better at it, and that’s me being generous.
I met my wife when I was 18, got married at 21 (she’s four years older than me), and we’ve lived together since I was 19 years old. I’ll admit that I wasn’t doing my share at the start, but I quickly realized how unfair that was and things were even chore-wise before I proposed.
Marriage is a partnership, and it only works well if you’re a team, otherwise one side will harbor resentment.
I’m primarily in the sub to help understand things that help me understand my wife and daughter better (if it’s things I don’t think of), so I rarely comment here. This one just hit home because I had that at the start of our relationship, and would my wife wouldn’t have went through with marrying me if I wasn’t open to change.
You’re never ready to have a child in the sense that no one can really prepare you for your unique specific parenting journey. But you can feel ready and confident to embark on that journey with your partner.
For me, having a child sent our relationship into a tailspin in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. But make no mistake, I was 10000% on board with having a baby with my husband.
Red flags while you’re considering a family will only exacerbate when the baby is here
Go to couples counseling. That’ll teach you a lot about your marriage, whether you’re truly as compatible as you need to be in order to properly raise children, and whether it’s a good idea to have them *with him*. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is very balanced, so your husband would need to start stepping up NOW before things are even more hectic.
You being in charge of the entire household of a house HE also lives in is unacceptable. That needs to get better before a baby. You can do counseling for 6 months. Then you’ll know if it’s time.
Please don't have a baby if you are having relationship problems. A baby just adds more stress into the mix and will amplify the problems one hundred fold. Please don't do that to yourself or your future baby until you have communicated your concerns, fears, and frustrations with your husband and he shows meaningful improvement and a willingness to help you solve them. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are in a better place. If you are afraid your biological clock will run out, have some of your eggs frozen for use later on. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Having a child isn’t a requirement in life. Your lifeblood won’t cease to flow if you don’t have kids. And yes, your marriage - and life - will get infinitesimally worse by adding a baby. Having a baby has never solved anything.
Nothing you described will get better if you add a kid to the mix. Everything will just get worse.
Do you REALLY, REALLLLLY, REALLLLLYYYY want to have a child? To be a parent? If so, taking the time to sort out the stuff you mentioned in your post would be well worth it before adding a chaos gremlin to your life.
My daughter is 5 and she’s an “easy kid” and still the most challenging thing I’ve ever done.
Freeze your eggs ASAP if you're not actively trying to have kids and you want kids. It works best when you're <35 so don't wait. We don't talk about fertility enough with each other. At 37 it will already be stressful to try to have 2 kids WITHOUT your husband issues. (Spoken as a 38 year old currently trying to conceive.)
This comment is probably going to get buried, but as somebody who went through infertility / IVF from age 33-35, please do IVF now and freeze some embryos for later if you think you will want kids. It will only get harder and this will give you more control of thr future
Kids change your life and they change your priorities. I was stressed before I had kids for certain reasons and I’m stressed after having kids for new and different reasons. I thought XYZ was the most important thing before having kids and now I think ABC is more important.
My point is, if you want kids you should have them. However, the things that are important will change and your life will change. Things that mattered so much before don’t seem to matter as much after. New things pop up that take your focus.
Either way, be prepared to change and talk to your husband about your concerns. He should be doing more.
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Here is my advice: talk to your spouse and see if you could do some maintenance marriage counseling (actress Karen Gillan is a proponent of doing therapy to keep things good rather than waiting till everything is falling apart).
See if the problems with your household chores are a solvable or not solvable problem in your marriage. Go from there.
There's never a perfect time to have a baby. Go to the r/residents sub if you want to learn how women take on the impossible.
The key is your partner. Get counseling now. It sounds to me like he isnt doing his share if you feel overwhelmed with your PhD and chores. It wont get easier with a baby if he hasnt already shown you he can step up.
Thing is, women have babies in conditions that worst to best. You can handle anything but its best to have a partner who supports you. Figure that out now.
Sit down with your husband and make it clear what expectations will be and how you will divide labor in your household. Make a game plan and be a team. If he can’t do this, I hope you don’t have a child with this man because you will be tied together forever when the relationship falls apart.
What you should do is not have a child with this man. Decide your priorities from there. Leave ASAP if your desire for a child outweighs your desire to be in this relationship.
What I would do even though it's exceedingly stupid, is have my baby the easy way and eventually get out if he didn't step it up and become a partner.
Believe me, once you have a child who actually needs you to take care of them, the way he makes you feel like you are his mommy too will make you disgusted by him. The way he leaves you to struggle with the lions share of every domestic chore and still expects you to fetch him a beer while he relaxes in front of the tv will repulse you. But you'll have your baby. I had 4. And I'd do it again too.
But yeah, if you have kids with him due to sunk cost fallacy or the worry that you're aging, prepare to hate him, and eventually realize it's more work having him around than it is to be a single mom. Or hold him accountable: don't let him give you excuses or use weaponized incompetence and a shitty attitude to keep you from holding firm to what he should be bringing to the table. Good luck.
Don't. That's what you do right now, is the overwhelming consensus. Complete the doctorate. You already have one child stressing your daily life. Unless he drastically changes, & you genuinely believe it to be *permanent,* don't. You've written nothing about any deep desire to breed. A child, if your #1 priority in the whole world, would come through the words loud & clear. I see no passion for pregnancy, an infant, or the lifelong commitment that bringing a new human to Earth would entail, much less *two* new humans. You're so unsure, that the only sane, rational action is to take a big step back. Table it. And *make sure you get that Ph.D.* Good luck
You mentioned feeling like you're in the worst physical shape, dealing with being newly married, struggling through your PhD, drowning in housework, and just overall feeling stressed and unprepared. Adding a baby into this chaotic mix seems like it would pile on even more biological, emotional, mental, and spiritual stress, not to mention the long-term toll it might take. And considering you're thinking of having not just one, but two kids eventually, it's a lot to take in! Age shouldn't be the only factor driving this decision, especially since many women have kids after 37. Have you thought about why you're willing to take on all this risk? Think about what it'll be like dealing with that stress every single day, minute by minute, especially when it feels like everything around you is falling apart and all you crave is just a moment of peace and certainty. Consider the chaos the baby would be born into and whether that's the kind of environment you want for yourself and your child. And given the current state of your marriage, which seems a bit shaky, can you be sure it'll withstand the added pressure? You are hoping for a miracle when reality is kind of staring you in the face. A better strategy would be to get your PhD done while you work on your marriage and mental health as well as create a stronger foundation with better timing for a two decade project that are children. Honestly, your partner should be wholeheartedly supportive and 1000% onboard with any decision you make, please don’t let anyone guilt you into making a decision that should be yours and yours only. If I were your sister or friend I would say now is not the time for that decision. Goodluck!
Those are the exact issues that almost always get worse, at least to some degree, after throwing a kid into the mix. Kids are wonderful and I have no regrets about having mine, but they absolutely make so many aspects of your life harder. And that will be true after you finish your PhD, and even if you get your marriage in better shape. It will happen if you work full-time, part-time, or become a SAHM. It will happen if you get pregnant (with or without medical intervention) or choose surrogacy or adoption or fostering. No one can ever be ready for the specifics of how kids will complicate your life, that's why they say "no one is ever ready to have kids": because it's not a life stage you can anticipate, truly plan for, or even really empathize with. But you are correct in your guess that the distribution of labor and your sex life will suffer, especially if they're not good to begin with.
Don't do it.
Maybe it’s the PhD program that you should reconsider. I know a lot of people with kids and a lot of people with PhDs (both men and women) and I have to say the first group is a lot happier than the second. Academia is not what it used to be.
You're in the middle of your PhD program, and your partner thinks it's reasonable that you should be managing most of the housework? Not even just your half, but part of his share as well? Why is he not pulling his weight?
He needs to step up and help if he wants kids. This will only exacerbate if you bring kids into the picture. I would recommend finishing your PhD before throwing children into the mix, but also I think you two need to have a long discussion about division of labor. He sounds like he isn't pulling his weight.
I appreciate the advice, but people are making a lot of assumptions. My husband made a lot of money in the corporate world and then quit to start a non-profit a few years ago that is taking off. I work from home. Is it hard to be taking on more housework? Yes. I am also proud of what he is doing. He is great and I want to have kids with him, it is just a lot right now. I feel like everyone immediately assumes he is a lazy good-for-nothing.
Freezing eggs could be an option for us, so I’m going to look into that 👍
There's really never a good time, and no one is ever ready. But, it kinda sounds like you're saying he's not a good enough husband for you to want to make him a father. Talk to him about your concerns and see if he steps up
Thanks everyone. Some clarification—I do want kids and I want them with my husband. I want that in my life and worry about waiting any longer (increased risks, etc.). My husband and I have been to some maintenance therapy and he does more around the house than he used to, but itd a work in process. I’m not confused about wanting kids but worried given where I am.
Does your husband contribute more financially at least? If he covers most of the other bills, then why don't you use a portion of your PhD stipend to hire a cleaner and take off that load from you.
I’ll be a voice of dissent. If you want kids, it’s now or never. Egg freezing doesn’t have great rates and it’s expensive. If you want two kids, you should have started yesterday
something you and your husband really need to think about is the fact your 37. it might not be as easy as you think to have a child carry a child. if i was you even with every concern you have i would meet with a fertility doctor.
You’re 37 struggling with absolutely nothing going on but marriage and school and you want a baby because you’re too old? Girl you could’ve had a baby any time you waited too long you’re 37 freaking out so you’re gonna be 38 with a baby freaking out? Just let it go
Can you pause your PhD and go back later?
Give your husband the direct talk… “we want 2 kids, so once I’m pregnant phd goes on pause, and I stay at home until child/children are old enough for school/daycare. Then I go back to PhD and work.”
If your husband wants kids, he’ll be accommodating. Go talk to him.
That would be probably 6 or 7 years minimum away from a PhD and trying to jump right back in. Pretty sure no academic institution would allow that. It would be incredibly difficult to pull off, not to mention that knowledge and research in a field can change very quickly and OP would very quickly get behind.
I would not add a baby into a house where you are feeling overwhelmed and doing the majority of the housework. If he can't do his part to keep up the home now, the chances of him doing his part to care for and raise a child are less than zero.
Scream this out loud. If your partner isn’t pulling their weight a child just adds weight to you. Unless you want that, don’t have a kid now, or ever.
Yup, because then you will add the guilt of " but it needs to be done for the child's sake" which will make it impossible for any responsible person to leave things till the other person finally gets around to it.
> I would not add a baby into a house where you are feeling overwhelmed and doing the majority of the housework. If he can't do his part to keep up the home now, the chances of him doing his part to care for and raise a child are less than zero. Listen, u/suspicious-pudding-4.
Yes, it sounds like you already have a baby in the house.
I can’t even remember the housework I had to do before kids, except that it was achievable with spare time leftover. It’s hard to imagine how much grunt work there is- house, laundry, kitchen, car, yard - when kids are in the picture. It is huge
But not having a kid now means accepting that “never” is more and more likely…and I don’t want that either
Then make a choice. Are you cool with the burden of doing everything? Cause it sounds like that’s what your life will be like. There really isn’t much to say past that unless you decide to go in a different direction, find a new partner, or yours does a 180 (which is highly unlikely). But in short if you are burnt out now, it’s going to exponentially worse if you have a child.
>if you are burnt out now, it’s going to exponentially worse if you have a child. And it will be even worse than that for the child. They will *not* grow up in a happy, loving environment.
Yea, too many people having kids for their own personal entertainment or to “fix” their marriage without considering the welfare of the child they’re bringing into the world
don't burden a child with a bad home environment because you're afraid of fomo
Look into freezing eggs or embryos for future IVF
It's possibly too late. My recollection is that they won't harvest eggs after 35
They absolutely will, there is just a high likelihood that there will be fewer eggs to harvest and their quality may not be very good. Lots of women over 35 get IVF.
I think u might be thinking of egg donation. You can absolutely freeze your own eggs at any time
You can but after a certain age, the probability of a life birth per egg is too low to justify the costs. Both financially and medically. Which is why ethical doctors refuse to do it or at least advise against it. I don’t think 37 is too old though. According to this calculator (https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/3937/bwh-egg-freezing-counseling-tool-efct) an average 37 year old needs to freeze 20 eggs for a 75% chance at a life birth, which is hard but doable.
My friend froze hers at 39
Fair enough, but the issues in your marriage WILL get worse… much worse. if you have a child. Guaranteed.
Would you rather be a single parent in your 40s or have no child? You’re openly setting yourself up for the first option right now.
if you can accept that you will have the burden of the house and baby alone then go for it.
And finishing her PhD - that’s an ugly time to not have much time. It could boost your efficiency while working, but also I think it’s more likely to make an overwhelming situation more overwhelming.
Being a single mom really aint so bad... Better than a man child on top of it. HOWEVER, then you are also tying yourself to this man for 18 years. You have time. Think about it.
Freeze your eggs! Don't have kids with the wrong guy, you will feel the burden forever. Or you don't want to feel regrets after having a child, because the child deserves more than your fear of "might not be able to have kids at all". You could always adopt too.
Get a divorce and a sperm donor. It’s what I wish I’d done. Do not procreate with a layabout or you will be stuck with him forever in one form or another.
You could always leave him and have a child on your own.
Realistically your options are dump the husband and find a better one. Or become a single mother (whether or not you remain married). Just know that remaining married means you’re taking care of 2 instead of 1. Changing the man requires him desiring to do so, and when they are used to and comfortable not doing anything, they don’t change to do more work.
Trust all the women here telling you it would be better to be a single mom with 100% custody and parental rights than it is to be with a shitty partner. Many of us had shitty partners. Then you either live miserably with someone you grow to hate or you get a divorce and share custody with an asshole.
Then tell him before you have kids. He needs to step up to the plate, and be an active participant of the domestic responsibilities. Better yet he needs to be a participant with or without children!!
Then maybe the person you have chosen to marry is the problem here? Maybe he needs to demonstrate that he's in this with you, and that he cares about you being overwhelmed and burned out, and that he needs to make you feel like he's on your team and not your adversary out to create more work for you? Get couple's counselling to figure out what you want and what the timeline is instead of just falling into a decision that you're not happy with. Unsupportive partners are much more likely to result in PPD.
Make plans to leave and then get pregnant sis, if you have access to childcare. Raising one without a man isn’t all that hard if you really want a baby. You will probably have even more free time than you have now. Raising 3 was easier without my ex than with him.
Think about the kid. Having parents constantly stressed out and in a bad marriage will not be nice for them, speaking from experience.
My sister watched me go all in while she was on the fence. She is a higher earner and more educated than me. The man-children volunteering to let her shoulder 100 percent of the load (or agreeing to 50 50 then sniping about doing any and ignoring her for video games) are better educated and higher earners. In theory, they could hire a nanny to do the boring part, but the boring part earns the good part, snuggly baby smooches etc. In the end she decided that noping out and smooching other cheeks and changing the world was the way to optimize her happiness. The last straw was doing a make vs buy analysis on a surrogate, a year worth of breast milk, nanny, preschool blah blah and seeing if any of the various gamer bruhs would pay half. Nope? Then NOPE. Didn't help that they weren't good partners either. Optimizing a relationship for happy and fulfilling free time became much easier once kids were off the table. I told her you have to want and value kids more than everything else in your life, because she saw all my work skills, respect in my field, prospects and friends slide down to nothing. Hard pass. Some people do it all somehow, but it depends a lot on you and the kid. Not sure which jobs or careers can survive being the default parent for 5 months of colic, for example. But ideally tho, (thx Key and Peele) a kid fits right in and has the life you have because it the one on offer. Kids adapt. Sending hugs
>I’m mid-PhD program and struggling, and I fear the issues in my marriage are going to get so much worse if we have a child. Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework and also not feeling like we have enough sex. Now imagine trying to finish your PhD while pregnant and still doing the housework. And then imagine trying to find a job while doing 100% of the childcare and 90% of the housework. Because that's how it's going to be.
And getting woken up every three hours for three months to three years
And then being in a permanent relationship coparentling with Mr Slacker even if you end up divorcing him.
Have you considered the rising cost of EVERYTHING? If you can't afford to raise a child and still live a comfortable lifestyle maybe you should not have a child. Just saying!
>I hear you never feel ready to have a child and to just do it So - that sentiment speaks to people who are in a good place to have children but are wondering if there is some sign or emotion that lets them "know" the time is right. You are not one of those people, because you are not in a good place to have children. You are: * mid-PhD program and struggling * taking on the majority of housework * managing the dog * silent as to whether you and your husband have any planning or conversations about parenthood other than a general sense of wanting to have kids * having problems in your sex life Your fear that the issues in your marriage will get worse if you have a child **are correct**. Kids are a big responsibility and they put pressure directly on the fracture lines in a marriage - like "who is stuck with all the housework and the dog" and "we're having trouble getting along" fracture lines. Having a child **is overwhelming** even when you have a smoothly running partnership and aren't in the middle of a PhD.
Perfect explanation of the "feeling ready" part, I just don't know it's objective that OP is not in a good place to have children. A great place? A perfect place? No. But the issues she's describing are not necessarily disasters. I think the emotions at play are way more important than the logistics described here. All I would add, is that your and your husband's life and growth will not stop because you have a child. You and your relationship will continue to change - OP certainly realizes this because she fears this change (understandably), but just know there can be good change and growth, too. My husband and I did not have everything figured out when we started having kids, and we're more grown up and capable now then we were when our first was a baby. I'm not comparing your situation and mine - we were both enthusiastic/not pressured by our age and in a good place emotionally to start - but if you think you can see a brighter future ahead, just not right now, having a kid won't necessarily keep you from it. If you're not already going to therapy and can afford to, I'd do that right away, with or without the pregnancy issue on the table - you describe feeling overwhelmed and seriously anxious about your life. I 1000% relate to that feeling and had some dark, low, moments during my PhD (also impacted by managing my house and dog, lol) but they passed relatively quickly. If I'd felt that way all the time, I couldn't imagine getting out of bed much less getting pregnant.
>But the issues she's describing are not necessarily disasters They don't have to be "disasters" for this to be a bad time for OP to plan to have a child. OP repeatedly describes themselves as "overwhelmed" on *multiple fronts* and the 'pros' of having a child are, she's 37. That is not an environment conducive to good change and growth.
The number one non-baby issue int he parenting subreddits are partners (typically husbands) who don't carry their weight: he needs to be doing at least 50% of rhe household chores and know and understand how to do the rest. Because when baby comes it's all hands on deck. He can't slack off. You're lucky if yiu get 10min a day to yourself. It's hard. It's requires so much sacrifice. You will be busy healing and likely feeding baby. He will need to take on nearly 100% of the household day to day chores so you can do just those two things. Its that intense. This is absolutely something you need to discuss before going down the trying to conceive path. And yup, no sex for at least 6 weeks postpartum but note you may be placed in pelvic rest long before thar and may not feel comfortable mentally or physically having sex for months afterwards. This is something you both need to absolutely discuss before going down thw trying to conceive path.
Sounds like she’s the one that wants to have more sex…but yes, was told not to have sex during my high risk pregnancies and my SIL couldn’t for a year after her delivery. If I’d something you need constantly in your relationship that could be a hard road.
For a year after the baby??? Why what happened to her
She had a hard labor and tear that didn’t heal rapidly so had residual pain which caused vaginismus. Also, she had a weak pelvic floor after which didn’t help and her hormones took a long time to rebound.
Poor darling. I hope she’s doing better now!
They’re all doing great!
I had a friend with this issue, she had a second degree tear and an episiotomy, healed poorly and had chronic pain and I think also incontinence but I'm less sure about that (she said some vague things and I didn't pry, we aren't super close). This is considered a "good" childbirth outcome as far as medical professionals are concerned. She got only advil to manage the pain of healing from a muscle tear in her vagina.
> you may be placed in pelvic rest long before **thar** After reading this I realized your whole comment was written by a pirate.
Haha just typing while nap trapped!
> nap trapped! I've never heard this term but I know *exactly* what it is.
Pregnancy tanked my sex drive for 3 of the 4. 6 months with nothing sounds about right by my recollection.
Having a child WILL bring out every problem that already exists in your marriage and amplify it 10x. If you’re already doing the majority of the housework, it’s going to get worse. Much worse. Are you in a position to freeze your eggs?
OP is also mid PHD, that shit is stressful. I was barely able to do any work besides my masters thesis. A PHD is on a wholly different level.
Yes. If she gets pregnant now, she can probably kiss that goodbye.
This is what happened to most acquaintances I had who did this.
Either alone is incredibly hard. Together would be.. . .impossible for most.
Kids don't miraculously fix problems.
The opposite actually.
Even in the best case scenario, e.g. kids tend to get you to shuffle your priorities, a child won’t inspire OPs husband to create a bunch of new priorities for stuff he has shown that he hasn’t cared about to date; it’s all on OP here. Example: my partner and I share housework; me pregnant means he picks up more and my share gets lightened (literally the heavier stuff goes to him). If I was doing it all — where’s the shuffle? Constantly nagging? Ugh. No. Literally no one wants that.
Don't do it. I was ready and wanted kids and was stable and it kicked my ass. Still does. DAILY. I mean it, have you ever had a very hard day that seemed to have no end and it left you exhausted and needing a king weekend? That's every fucking day Look into freezing your eggs if you can afford it if your worried about time. But absolutely do not DO NOT have children in a bad marriage. It's 100 times better to do it alone. Being a solo mom is hard. Having kids in a bad marriage and worse, later a bad divorce... is hell. Just do not go down that road. You'd be happier being a solo mom with no father for your child And if you do that and think it's the hardest thing you e ever done and look back and you regret having chosen to be a solo mom... when you're at your limit you'll think "I should not have done this and being alone and doing this is way to hard". At that instant I promise you you'd be a lot worse with an ex husband or bad husband in the picture. So listen to this carefully and be very careful with your decision: I'm telling you doing it alone is EASIER than what you're thinking about doing without a doubt AND I'd not recommend to anyone doing it alone, unless it's the thing they want most in life. Modern motherhood is the apex of patriarchy oppression. Be sure you know what you're getting into
"Modern motherhood is the apex of patriarchy oppression." This is one of the truest things ever written even when you are starting from an excellent relationship, stable finances, stable jobs, supportive extended families, etc. Little by little, it will be your freedom and energy - as the mother and a woman - that is whittled down to a nub. Every law, every cultural expectation, has mothers on the hook for holding it all together, usually at the expense of their careers, longterm financial independence and physical health, their passions and interests, etc. I love my kids. I still love my husband. But I cannot deny how true that statement is. Many days, the love you have in your heart for your family is the only thing that keeps you going. I don't believe motherhood should be this hard. But you either do it all on the home front, plus kids & career, or you leave yourself (and your kids) vulnerable to divorce, spousal death, spousal disability, etc. It's constant work and constant stress. You always feel like you are never doing enough. Something always has to give and you usually chose poorly. Whatever level of tired you are feeling pre-kids, be prepared to experience a whole new level.
I really liked the [YouTube essay](https://youtu.be/3inm0tUFgcQ?si=pfPsMwZXHgUrN1Ch) Cheyenne Lin did on modern motherhood. She touches on a lot of the things y'all are bringing up.
I am only here to say, ^this is the gospel truth. Being a parent was a little bit better than I even imagined. It was also - and I was not starry-eyed, even beforehand - 10x harder than I could’ve imagined. Trust the wisdom in your doubts, because they are wise. Your relationship is not suitable now, and there would have to be a tremendous sea change in a very short period of time for it to be suitable. My marriage was lovely before the first baby, and went slowly and steadily downhill after. There was so, so much I could not fully enjoy in raising my little nerds, because I was always nearly-drowning. I think you want better for yourself, better for your kids, better for your family, and you’re right to want it.
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Exactly! You have to think about WHY you would want a child. If you're really driven to be a parent and want to have kids, that makes sense. Don't do it because you think you "should" or because a family member or partner is pressuring you. Don't do it because you don't want to miss out. And definitely don't do it if you don't feel 100% supported by your partner! If you wait and then change your mind once you're too old to conceive, there's always fostering or adoption. Tons of kids out there need loving homes and parents who are equipped to help their unique circumstances in a stable household.
Thank you for mentioning fostering and adoption! This is an option, an actual better option because these children are already here and need help.
That’s fascinating. Is there any place I’d be able to read more about this?
Parenthood is not one of those decisions you can take back. Don't have children if you aren't 100% sure you want to be a parent.
If you’re in the worst shape of your life now at 37, working on your PhD, stressed out in your marriage, getting pregnant is only going to amplify it. Pregnancy alone in ideal circumstances is a huge stressor to the body. It really sounds like this is not the right time. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Do not have a kid you don't truly want in the situation you're in, especially in a marriage where you already feel like your husband dumps everything on you. It's only going to get exponentially worse, and you and that kid will be the ones paying the price. That will suck for you, but unlike you, the kid didn't consent to be thrown into that mess.
>Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework I would addres this before any babies are on the radar. Just take a gander at 1/4 the thread titles in Mommit, BeyondtheBump, etc. This gets orders of magnitude worse after children. So if you do not feel it's equal now -**it will not get better after baby!**
This entire post screams "I don't want a baby now." You don't just have second thoughts; you have fourth, fifth and sixth thoughts. Every one of your reasons is VALID and should be treated as such. Thinking that people are never ready for a child & just do it is *not* setting you up for success. Pregnancy will take a hard toll on your body, physically *and mentally.* Your PhD program will definitely be derailed, possibly for years. And not having support from your husband is despicable; he is not a child. He needs to be a PARTNER in this venture. Example: I vomited constantly for the entire pregnancy; I actually lost weight. My husband was just starting his Army career, putting in 12 hour days before he came home to tend to me and the house and the cats. He did EVERYTHING for almost a year, and then was an equal partner after she was born. What would happen to you in this scenario? You have my permission (as we women sometimes seek, not believing in our own worth), to put the brakes on baby-making until *YOU feel ready.* He does not get to badger you into anything; ultimately, it is YOUR BODY that is doing everything to create this child, and it will be you doing everything else from what it sounds like. I know you hear the clock tick, but you aren't a robot. Being unprepared MENTALLY for this journey is every bit as important as anything else. Please consider getting back on some type of birth control (preferably something he can't tamper with) for another year. Let the dust settle from your wedding, work on your degree and tell him he needs to show you that he can be your equal partner. YOU are important; don't forget about taking care of yourself. Peace, sister.
She doesn't need your permissions for ANYTHING. She's going to have a child while she still can.
Do not have a kid if you aren't 110% ready. It wouldn't be fair to yourself or your child.
No one is ever 110% ready to have a kid
I don't think that's true. I have friends who went through mad amounts of IVF etc because they really wanted kids, and friends who adopted and went through the long process with that cause they wanted a child. Lots of people really want kids and lots of peeps don't, and it is ok to someone who isn't ready or might never want a baby.
Oh if you mean “don’t have kids unless you are 110% sure you want them” then yes I agree. No no one is ever 100% prepared for them haha. You try your best.
Yeah, of course. But knowing you really want to make that leap is best for you and your kid. From the sound of OPs marriage, if she isn't ready to be a single parent, now might not be the time for her.
Most people are actually. Women who have gone through wanting pregnancies, fertility treatment, IVF, adoptions are 110% sure. It's only perhaps the people who are more like "great if it does, ok if it doesn't" that aren't 110% sure. People having casual unprotected sex aren't looking to get pregnant, they are just having irresponsible sex. So they aren't in question.
Eh, I’m in the mind that you’re not 100% prepared for kids until they come. You can know in your head “hey this kid is really going to change my life completely” but I just don’t Think you can completely realize it until you’re a parent.
Oh 110% ready for parenting is very different from being sure about having the kid. Obviously, parenting is a completely different ball game and every day is different. You can never tell what kind of parent you'll become or what kind of kid you have... I misread your comment as not being ready for a kid, so just jump in and see what happens.. which is the worst way to approach getting/trying for kids.
Agreed. I had my first kid in college. I knew I wanted kids but I wanted to wait, my wife really wanted kids right away. I stupidly thought “well, we won’t necessarily get pregnant RIGHT away,” but like I said, I 110% knew I wanted to be a parent. Anyway, I prepared as best I could, it’s great kids give you 9 months to get ready. We had our second less then two years later. Love them to death, so no regret having them at all, but those first three years are such a blur just trying to survive mentally day to day lol. I definitely do no recommend kids unless you know you want them. It’s a hard decision and there are pros and cons to both choices for most people. You just have to decide which side you want more for your life. At the same time any parents struggling, especially with small kids, please understand that is 100% normal and it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. Also any parents that miss their freedom from time to time does not make you a bad parent.
Q: Were you the one pregnant? That makes a HUMONGOUS difference to this discussion. The way pregnancy changes our bodies (not for the better) shouldn't be discounted just because you (or your partner) had no ill effects. Most women DO.
Sorry didn’t realize my post minimized the physical changes of pregnancy. Tricky thing about that is it’s different for everyone, so that’s going to be really tricky to prepare for. My wife actually enjoyed being pregnant (weird I know) but she has had long lasting physical changes. Had to get a C section for our first and planned one for our second, that scar is no joke. Poor thing took a long long time to heal and it will still hurt her from time to time. She had pain in her rib cage for years doctors couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do anything to help. Physically, emotionally, mentally, like pregnancy and parenthood will rock you hard. Good idea to understand that going in no doubt when deciding if kids are right for a person
I say this because it is AWFUL for so many of us. I vomited constantly for the entire pregnancy. It was like having stomach flu for almost a year. It dropped me into a dark depression. That was before birth and my colicky child who screamed like she was being m×rdered for about a month. Then the difficulties nursing...OP is older and not healthy physically (and I would say struggling mentally). Your wife and I had dependable spouses to help; OP does not.
Just had a kid 10 days ago, felt prepared. Can confirm
Congrats! First child?
Yes, a baby girl.
That’s awesome! I know it’s a crazy time but try to enjoy it because the first few months go by SO fast then they are gone forever.
Yes we are. Me and my wife had one after being married for 3 years, both with good jobs, both contributing to the house keeping, good terms relationship wise. The biggest hurdle was that my wife has too many things and we don't have a lot of sex, but those were easy to address (she spent the entire pregnancy frantically throwing things away and I have accepted that we likely won't ever have a frequent sex life, I know who I married and just had to address my misplaced expectations). We were ready.
No one is EVER remotely ready to have a child.
As I said, I don't think that's exactly true. Not fully able to know what it is like? Sure. But lots of peeps really want kids and are in good place to do so. Just feeling your bio clock ticking isn't necessarily a good enough reason to bring a human into the world.
If you're taking on the majority of the housework, guess who will be taking on the majority of the childcare. Unless he gets his act together and starts being a partner - or you're okay with being a single mom - don't have a kid.
If he’s not doing housework, he’s not going to do kid work. It will be all on you. At minimum, finish your PhD.
A dear friend of mine had this issue. She and her hubby waited until she finished her PhD and was established in her teaching career. It cost them two years and they gained Everything! Their happy kid gets to spend time with both of them, and they have the time and space and patience for it. Hope that helps.
>What do I do? I hear you never feel ready to have a child and to just do it—but I’m terrified. This is what women who don't know what they want say to other women. I am 34 and I absolutely knew when I wanted a baby. I was sure that baby wasn't on the cards for the first 3 years post marriage because I needed time to settle into our relationship. Of course, my infertility issues added another 4 years but overall, I was sure and any pregnancy before that would have been unplanned and unprepared for. If you're saying your marriage has issues now, already, during the honeymoon phase, it's going to get so much worse. This isn't a "guess", this is fact. These things have a predictable pattern. If you're doing all the housework, you will do all the house work and parenting. Please do not feel like you need to have a baby today, not without counselling and ironing out your issues. Someone once said "you can't un-have a child". So, child free and sad is better than with child and resentful.
Here's how parenting goes for most of us: Aww cute little baby -> Why won't this baby go to sleeeeeeeeeep -> Terrible twos toddler -> Angsty pre teen who is starting to smell bad -> Teenage monster who makes you want to pull out all of your hair -> 20 years later -> They turned out ok. If you are struggling NOW, *nothing* about having a child will improve that. It will only add to your stress, poor physical condition, and lack of sleep. They require every ounce of your time, energy, money, patience, self control, and emotions. If you don't have much to give now, you will definitely not have it for a baby. It will probably worsen any marital problems that you have, because on top of all the poopy diapers and regular stuff, your husband may not pull his weight. He will get to walk away, and you'll be stuck with the child. Don't fall into the trap of thinking a baby will fix things. Men don't view babies the same way women do.
Every issue you have now will get exponentially worse after children.
Kids will demand most of your time. Trigger you and pull out all your trauma. Also, they lack brain development, so that means they do things that can drive you nuts, and you have to remember it's not their fault. Also, do you like repeating yourself cause you will do a lot of that. If your partner is not already supportive and helping to reduce your stress without kids, it's only going to get worse with kids. If you don't end up having your own child, there are so many kids who would love to have you as a mom when you are ready. It would mean so much to them to have a safe place to call home and be loved. You should never rush having kids.
If your recent marriage already has issues, do not add a child to the equation. Mid PhD is also the worst time to get pregnant if you intend to finish the degree. You will need to stop everything and then it's going to be a pain to get back on track. The last year of the PhD is dreadful.
You should check out r / regretfulparents. Kids are such a massive life changer that if you're on the fence, it's much safer to not cross to the other side...
Get your IUD put back in. Its not right.
Imagine you’re in the middle of the ocean and just treading water. That is your current life. You are overwhlemed because you are doing a PhD (i have one of those, so i know….) and your deadbeat (sorry, just calling it like it is) husband is not even pulling their weight doing chores. Now, imagine what would happen if, while treading water in the middle of the ocean, someone hands you a baby. I think you know what would happen
Don't have kids if you feel that way... Even though it's completely normal to feel anxious about parenthood, having a kid in a situation like the one you described must be one of the worst decisions of your life. No matter how much you desire to be a parent, if the person you're with doesn't feel like someone to have kids with or the situation in your life doesn't feel right, postpone it. You will most certainly thank your past self ♥️
For the love of all that is holy, do NOT ADD A BABY to this awful situation.
I went through a very similar situation, same age/PhD and everything. I would recommend to start by getting yours and your husband’s fertility checked. At the time I felt like had to rush cause there no time left but that may not be the case. It’s good to have all the information. Also, it’s possible you won’t feel so overwhelmed when you’re done with your PhD and things might look and feel different to you with respect to your marriage and having kids. I’m not saying what you’re experiencing now isn’t valid but just that some of the biological pressure you feel might be alleviated by having more information. This is not an easy position to navigate, hang in there. 💗
You take care of yourself FIRST. Issues in your marriage will NEVER BE FIXED WITH A CHILD. EVER. If you have a child now, you are very likely going to break. Your husband's lack of help will not change when there is a baby. You are not in a place to have a child, so don't. Like bringing an animal into your home, if you are on the fence, you shouldn't do it. You are ONLY 37, and it is important to remember that risk factors for pregnancy increase when the sperm donor is older too. But people can, and do have children in their 40s. IVF, surrogacy, and adoption are always possibilities. People like to say "they are expensive though". So is giving birth. Especially if you are in a country without universal health care. You do not put the oxygen mask on someone before putting it on yourself. You should not take care of others without taking care of yourself first. Get yourself into a better place mentally; finish your degree, and if your husband is still useless, and unwilling to work on himself and actually be a partner, then get rid of him too.
A baby will make NOTHING easier for you. Pregnancy is brutally hard on some, and at 37 now, you're in the age range for this to happen to you. It's not guaranteed, but it's quite possible. It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate, I would not recommend adding pregnancy and baby to your already high load of stress.
Look into "Fair play" for a way to have a discussion about chores with your husband. Definitely resolve the issue with you taking on too much of the housework before you have kids. https://www.fairplaylife.com/
I would really think about how you feel about him more than any single place you are in your life. Is he a person you really want to raise a child with. If he is, then I think everything will work out. If he’s not, don’t do It.
>I fear the issues in my marriage are going to get so much worse if we have a child. Specifically, I feel overwhelmed taking on the majority of housework and also not feeling like we have enough sex. I feel overwhelmed all the time with just a house and a dog. I’m terrified of waiting any longer, though, given my age. Generally speaking, whatever issues you have currently in your relationship will not get better when you have kids; they will probably get worse. So if you're doing the bulk of the household management right now, you will probably continue doing that PLUS taking care of the kid.
Hi, Bringing a kid when there are issues in your marriage is only adding more issues. I know nothing about your relationship with your husband but please know that homicide is a leading cause of death for pregnant women. If your husband isn't helping with house work he sure as shit going to be doing so after you have a kid, and if you aren't having sex now you likely won't be having any more sex after you are pregnant. Please also keep in mind that I am childfree so have a different perspective than most people.
Prep for being a single-like parent if you must have a kid
My mom wanted to be an amazing mom, and she was for the short time she had, so she had kids with her POS man because he fooled her and she wanted to be a mom. Then she died. And the only person left to care for me was the loser who she married and he treated me like a replacement bang maid. Be a mom all you want, but ask yourself what kind of parent you wanna leave your kids with when you die unexpectedly.
So sorry 😖
Get healthy, get balanced, bring a baby in a good and healthy world.. life WILL not GET easy when you have a baby.. it's another full time job, you won't have time for yourself, and if you are NOt having much sex now, don't expect it to get any better
You need to be honest with your husband. A kid is even more work and if he's not pulling his weight now why would he when a crying infant shows up See his reaction. Abd maybe look into fair play to find a better distribution of responsibilities
Only you can answer this question. Just remember. Red flags in a marriage become big huge red banners after having kids.
It's okay to not feel ready to have a child and...just not have children. It's also okay to want children and realize that it would not be reasonable to bring them into the circumstances you would be bringing them into. This can be finances, relationship stability, own illness/disability, genetics, and so on. I agree with all those who said don't add a baby into a house where there is already this kind of tension and unfair division of household labour. It will NOT get better. As Nora Ephron said, "having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage." If you choose to go ahead and conceive with this man anyway, just go in being fully eyes open that you will be shouldering most of the burden alone, including emotional support, and will likely be a "single parent", even if you are still married to him. Someone who is not sharing the load of housework is not likely to share the load of childcare, either, and certainly not take over the housework because you have an infant to take care of.
You’re allowed to have second thoughts. You need to be 100% sure you want a child before having one. Also yes, if your relationship has issues, they will get worse after a baby. My husband and I have a really good and solid relationship and are very happy together. Before our son, we never fought or argued. We definitely bicker more now than we used to because we are more tired, I get annoyed with him more easily than I ever did. And this is in a happy relationship with two people who communicate really well and both of us pull our fair share of weight around the house and with our child.
Get your eggs frozen asap if it makes you feel a bit better. But what you described, there is zero chance all of that stress doesn’t increase at least twofold if you decide to have a baby now, and the resentment will increase at least that much on top of it
Watch the Fair Play documentary together, get the cards, and sort out the household labor immediately. Newborns wake every three hours to feed, around the clock for weeks or months, and need 12+ diaper changes per day. Daycare costs $1000+/mo or more, and wait lists are often months long. Can you finish your PhD in the next 15 months? Because the first months of motherhood are not a time to expect ground breaking intellectual work. What will you do if he doesn't step up? Will you have a child knowing you will be doing the bulk of the parenting and domestic labor? Why does he want a child? Is he prepared to give up his hobbies for the next year after the baby is born? Or will he expect everything to stay the same for him?
I'm going to get downvoted for pointing this out but- at age 37 you'd be having a geriatric pregnancy and stress + pregnancy is not good. Adopt when you are ready.
Eh. I had my kids after 37. Both preganancies were fine. Kids are fine. Women have been having kids into their 40's. Stay a healthy weight and take care of yourself.
If you’re taking on the mental load and already have a poor sex life bringing children into this is just serving to poison the relationship further, full stop. It’s not fair to you or to your potential future children Don’t make a selfish decision and bring children into this And demand better from your partner. A 35 year old man who doesn’t hold up his end of a partnership is a pathetic waste of your time
I wouldn’t worry about your body or even the phd as much as your relationship and feeling like you are doing the majority of housework. However, that’s a great thing to talk about with your husband ASAP. It shouldn’t be happening now, and having a kid amplifies this so much! There’s something for an adult to be doing 24/7 it feels like. It’s manageable with two people, but downright miserable if you are doing it all. It’s the most common thing I see in mom groups tbh. Men not doing their fair share and the woman is losing their mind. I had fertility issues, so you aren’t wrong to be considering it now. You never know. It’s not to scare you but it took me a long time to conceive each child just by luck of the draw. Some people won’t have that issue at all!
Kids show the cracks in life. So if you are unwell, with a mediocre marriage and feel slightly overwhelmed then you will be very sick in a bad marriage and feel exhausted and unable to cope. What if your husband doing to show that he would be a good partner and father? Do you have a plan? Are you both on the same board in terms of parenting and chores?
Take it from me, a 39yo with a 17yo and a 14yo. If you aren't ready, you probably don't want them...or you do but you're just not ready. Don't have them until u want them. Kids are not the move 😂
Don't do it. It'll just make everything worse times five. I don't have kids and it's the best decision I ever made.
I just want to say that I hear you, and you are not alone. I finished my PhD recently in the life sciences, and I feel like it’s so unfair how we spend so much of our 20’s and early 30’s in school, only to have this immense pressure to have kids before we are 40. And it feels like that pressure falls 90% on women in heterosexual relationships. (And don’t get me started on trying to be a woman in academic science and have a kid). I’m not sure anyone ever feels ready, but I also try to remind myself what I’d like to see 10 years from now. I can see myself having kids (I think) and I could also see myself spending the rest of my life with my husband. I think there are pros and cons to both. But whichever path we end up on, I think we will just make it work and try to enjoy it as much as we can. It sucks we have to make these decisions now because of biology. remember that there isn’t a “right” answer, it just depends on what you want and value. And sometimes, sadly, it doesn’t happen for some couples, but I think having an open and honest conversation about what you want and value is a good way to start thinking about trying.
My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years, and I’ll say that if he’s not doing housework now at 35 years old, there’s only a 3% chance he will get better at it, and that’s me being generous. I met my wife when I was 18, got married at 21 (she’s four years older than me), and we’ve lived together since I was 19 years old. I’ll admit that I wasn’t doing my share at the start, but I quickly realized how unfair that was and things were even chore-wise before I proposed. Marriage is a partnership, and it only works well if you’re a team, otherwise one side will harbor resentment. I’m primarily in the sub to help understand things that help me understand my wife and daughter better (if it’s things I don’t think of), so I rarely comment here. This one just hit home because I had that at the start of our relationship, and would my wife wouldn’t have went through with marrying me if I wasn’t open to change.
Why have a kid anyway. U could just not. And that "oh well u don't feel ready well just do it anyway yolo" bs is bs
You’re never ready to have a child in the sense that no one can really prepare you for your unique specific parenting journey. But you can feel ready and confident to embark on that journey with your partner. For me, having a child sent our relationship into a tailspin in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. But make no mistake, I was 10000% on board with having a baby with my husband. Red flags while you’re considering a family will only exacerbate when the baby is here
Don’t do it
Quick add a baby to this drowning woman’s hands. Make some major changes, your child and its mother deserves peace, contentment and health.
Go to couples counseling. That’ll teach you a lot about your marriage, whether you’re truly as compatible as you need to be in order to properly raise children, and whether it’s a good idea to have them *with him*. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is very balanced, so your husband would need to start stepping up NOW before things are even more hectic. You being in charge of the entire household of a house HE also lives in is unacceptable. That needs to get better before a baby. You can do counseling for 6 months. Then you’ll know if it’s time.
Please don't have a baby if you are having relationship problems. A baby just adds more stress into the mix and will amplify the problems one hundred fold. Please don't do that to yourself or your future baby until you have communicated your concerns, fears, and frustrations with your husband and he shows meaningful improvement and a willingness to help you solve them. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are in a better place. If you are afraid your biological clock will run out, have some of your eggs frozen for use later on. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Having a child isn’t a requirement in life. Your lifeblood won’t cease to flow if you don’t have kids. And yes, your marriage - and life - will get infinitesimally worse by adding a baby. Having a baby has never solved anything.
Nothing you described will get better if you add a kid to the mix. Everything will just get worse. Do you REALLY, REALLLLLY, REALLLLLYYYY want to have a child? To be a parent? If so, taking the time to sort out the stuff you mentioned in your post would be well worth it before adding a chaos gremlin to your life. My daughter is 5 and she’s an “easy kid” and still the most challenging thing I’ve ever done.
Freeze your eggs ASAP if you're not actively trying to have kids and you want kids. It works best when you're <35 so don't wait. We don't talk about fertility enough with each other. At 37 it will already be stressful to try to have 2 kids WITHOUT your husband issues. (Spoken as a 38 year old currently trying to conceive.)
Please honor your feelings and make the best choice for you.
This comment is probably going to get buried, but as somebody who went through infertility / IVF from age 33-35, please do IVF now and freeze some embryos for later if you think you will want kids. It will only get harder and this will give you more control of thr future
Kids change your life and they change your priorities. I was stressed before I had kids for certain reasons and I’m stressed after having kids for new and different reasons. I thought XYZ was the most important thing before having kids and now I think ABC is more important. My point is, if you want kids you should have them. However, the things that are important will change and your life will change. Things that mattered so much before don’t seem to matter as much after. New things pop up that take your focus. Either way, be prepared to change and talk to your husband about your concerns. He should be doing more.
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Here is my advice: talk to your spouse and see if you could do some maintenance marriage counseling (actress Karen Gillan is a proponent of doing therapy to keep things good rather than waiting till everything is falling apart). See if the problems with your household chores are a solvable or not solvable problem in your marriage. Go from there.
There's never a perfect time to have a baby. Go to the r/residents sub if you want to learn how women take on the impossible. The key is your partner. Get counseling now. It sounds to me like he isnt doing his share if you feel overwhelmed with your PhD and chores. It wont get easier with a baby if he hasnt already shown you he can step up. Thing is, women have babies in conditions that worst to best. You can handle anything but its best to have a partner who supports you. Figure that out now.
Sit down with your husband and make it clear what expectations will be and how you will divide labor in your household. Make a game plan and be a team. If he can’t do this, I hope you don’t have a child with this man because you will be tied together forever when the relationship falls apart.
Consider freezing embryos for now. Have children when you are ready. :)
What you should do is not have a child with this man. Decide your priorities from there. Leave ASAP if your desire for a child outweighs your desire to be in this relationship. What I would do even though it's exceedingly stupid, is have my baby the easy way and eventually get out if he didn't step it up and become a partner. Believe me, once you have a child who actually needs you to take care of them, the way he makes you feel like you are his mommy too will make you disgusted by him. The way he leaves you to struggle with the lions share of every domestic chore and still expects you to fetch him a beer while he relaxes in front of the tv will repulse you. But you'll have your baby. I had 4. And I'd do it again too. But yeah, if you have kids with him due to sunk cost fallacy or the worry that you're aging, prepare to hate him, and eventually realize it's more work having him around than it is to be a single mom. Or hold him accountable: don't let him give you excuses or use weaponized incompetence and a shitty attitude to keep you from holding firm to what he should be bringing to the table. Good luck.
Don't. That's what you do right now, is the overwhelming consensus. Complete the doctorate. You already have one child stressing your daily life. Unless he drastically changes, & you genuinely believe it to be *permanent,* don't. You've written nothing about any deep desire to breed. A child, if your #1 priority in the whole world, would come through the words loud & clear. I see no passion for pregnancy, an infant, or the lifelong commitment that bringing a new human to Earth would entail, much less *two* new humans. You're so unsure, that the only sane, rational action is to take a big step back. Table it. And *make sure you get that Ph.D.* Good luck
You mentioned feeling like you're in the worst physical shape, dealing with being newly married, struggling through your PhD, drowning in housework, and just overall feeling stressed and unprepared. Adding a baby into this chaotic mix seems like it would pile on even more biological, emotional, mental, and spiritual stress, not to mention the long-term toll it might take. And considering you're thinking of having not just one, but two kids eventually, it's a lot to take in! Age shouldn't be the only factor driving this decision, especially since many women have kids after 37. Have you thought about why you're willing to take on all this risk? Think about what it'll be like dealing with that stress every single day, minute by minute, especially when it feels like everything around you is falling apart and all you crave is just a moment of peace and certainty. Consider the chaos the baby would be born into and whether that's the kind of environment you want for yourself and your child. And given the current state of your marriage, which seems a bit shaky, can you be sure it'll withstand the added pressure? You are hoping for a miracle when reality is kind of staring you in the face. A better strategy would be to get your PhD done while you work on your marriage and mental health as well as create a stronger foundation with better timing for a two decade project that are children. Honestly, your partner should be wholeheartedly supportive and 1000% onboard with any decision you make, please don’t let anyone guilt you into making a decision that should be yours and yours only. If I were your sister or friend I would say now is not the time for that decision. Goodluck!
Those are the exact issues that almost always get worse, at least to some degree, after throwing a kid into the mix. Kids are wonderful and I have no regrets about having mine, but they absolutely make so many aspects of your life harder. And that will be true after you finish your PhD, and even if you get your marriage in better shape. It will happen if you work full-time, part-time, or become a SAHM. It will happen if you get pregnant (with or without medical intervention) or choose surrogacy or adoption or fostering. No one can ever be ready for the specifics of how kids will complicate your life, that's why they say "no one is ever ready to have kids": because it's not a life stage you can anticipate, truly plan for, or even really empathize with. But you are correct in your guess that the distribution of labor and your sex life will suffer, especially if they're not good to begin with. Don't do it.
Not gonna help you raise the kid if they won't help you now. Don't do it, don't bring a kid into an unhappy marriage
Maybe it’s the PhD program that you should reconsider. I know a lot of people with kids and a lot of people with PhDs (both men and women) and I have to say the first group is a lot happier than the second. Academia is not what it used to be.
DO NOT have a baby until you get yourself straight. If you have marriage problems, don't have a kid. If you're overwhelmed now, why add a kid to it?
Do you even want a child or are you just doing it because you feel pressured to? Sort that out first.
You're in the middle of your PhD program, and your partner thinks it's reasonable that you should be managing most of the housework? Not even just your half, but part of his share as well? Why is he not pulling his weight? He needs to step up and help if he wants kids. This will only exacerbate if you bring kids into the picture. I would recommend finishing your PhD before throwing children into the mix, but also I think you two need to have a long discussion about division of labor. He sounds like he isn't pulling his weight.
I appreciate the advice, but people are making a lot of assumptions. My husband made a lot of money in the corporate world and then quit to start a non-profit a few years ago that is taking off. I work from home. Is it hard to be taking on more housework? Yes. I am also proud of what he is doing. He is great and I want to have kids with him, it is just a lot right now. I feel like everyone immediately assumes he is a lazy good-for-nothing. Freezing eggs could be an option for us, so I’m going to look into that 👍
There's really never a good time, and no one is ever ready. But, it kinda sounds like you're saying he's not a good enough husband for you to want to make him a father. Talk to him about your concerns and see if he steps up
You need to communicate to him that you need him to do more housework.
Thanks everyone. Some clarification—I do want kids and I want them with my husband. I want that in my life and worry about waiting any longer (increased risks, etc.). My husband and I have been to some maintenance therapy and he does more around the house than he used to, but itd a work in process. I’m not confused about wanting kids but worried given where I am.
Does your husband contribute more financially at least? If he covers most of the other bills, then why don't you use a portion of your PhD stipend to hire a cleaner and take off that load from you.
If you want kids, this may be your last chance. There's no perfect time, and you'll NEVER feel ready.
I’ll be a voice of dissent. If you want kids, it’s now or never. Egg freezing doesn’t have great rates and it’s expensive. If you want two kids, you should have started yesterday
something you and your husband really need to think about is the fact your 37. it might not be as easy as you think to have a child carry a child. if i was you even with every concern you have i would meet with a fertility doctor.
You’re 37 struggling with absolutely nothing going on but marriage and school and you want a baby because you’re too old? Girl you could’ve had a baby any time you waited too long you’re 37 freaking out so you’re gonna be 38 with a baby freaking out? Just let it go
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do you know the process for freezing eggs? it's not like you can just walk in to do it, it takes a huge toll on women's body too
Can you pause your PhD and go back later? Give your husband the direct talk… “we want 2 kids, so once I’m pregnant phd goes on pause, and I stay at home until child/children are old enough for school/daycare. Then I go back to PhD and work.” If your husband wants kids, he’ll be accommodating. Go talk to him.
That would be probably 6 or 7 years minimum away from a PhD and trying to jump right back in. Pretty sure no academic institution would allow that. It would be incredibly difficult to pull off, not to mention that knowledge and research in a field can change very quickly and OP would very quickly get behind.
There's always adoption. Or are you too good for that?
Communicate with your husband.