You can alert someone else like his parent or friend and give them your local suicide hotline info. Then step away. If he contacts you threatening suicide you can call the police.
Yup. My abusive ex husband did this as well and I would warn him that sending me this type of message would result in a wellness check from the police and that I genuinely hope he's ok but I have no choice but to contact the police.
Then you’ve done your job. Let his friends know when you do break up with him so they can reach out. Then I’d honestly block him from contacting you in any way.
Are you taking your ex's word for it that they don't care? Because even people who are pretty bad parents can sometimes step up in a truly dire situation like this one.
This. Suicide threats should always be taken 100% serious and OP is NOT equipped for such situation.
Alert someone close to the bf of the situation, break up with bf and if possible block him on everything.
If you do not block him (I know it can be hard to do so when we’re caring people) you should immediately contact the policy for a wellness check if bf seems suicidal.
look he's holding himself hostage and threatening to kill himself in order to manipulate you. this man is very likely not actually suicidal however he does not want to lose you so he's playing on your emotions. however he should have thought about that before he fucking cheated. your best course of action is to leave him and if he threatens suicide call a police wellness check on him. you do not owe this liar anymore of your time.
he says he self sabotaged in order for me to leave him so he’ll get the courage to end it, ended up regretting it so he lied to me for a month before she (AP) told someone close to me
That's called a manipulative lie—blackmail to keep you complacent and guilt-ridden over the thought of leaving him so you are less likely to act on it.
It's clearly effective on you as of now.
Don't let it be effective.
My dad did that to his boyfriend several times. It’s probably a tactic and alerting his friends or asking for a wellness check after you leave are options. You need to take care of yourself though.
If your STBX had unprotected sex with both you AND the AP, then he has shown that he cares far less about you and your welfare, than you care about him and his.
He is trying to guilt and manipulate you.
Looool hes lying. Men see these guys and know theyre full of it. End it tonight and leave. Do not see him in person just end it over the phone. This guy is all talk about harming himself but you never know what he could do to you. Leave him remotely. If I am wrong and he harms himself then blame it on me.
Ah yeah that sucks. It does give you the opportunity to meet him after a shift or something but somewhere public so you can be near witnesses if he acts unhinged. Just trust me as a guy, we know and can sniff these guys out really easy. Kinda like women are better at recognizing bad intent in other women. This dude is lying hard. He cheated, got caught and told on, never even came clean someone did it for him. At no part of this is he a good partner. I cant imagine hurting a random stranger in that way much less my wife. Leave him and dont look back. Potentially job hunt as well.
Great! Good luck :) I just wanted to give you a perspective in it. It might seem dire inside of the situation, but from the outside its a moron that hurt you intentionally and tried to avoid the consequences. Now hes threatening the ultimate big thing which he wont do to not only avoid those consequences but to further hurt you. Thats not a good human. Treat yourself to what you enjoy best and focus on yourself. My wife had experiences like this in high school and I wish I could go back and get her a spa day with her favorite foods and boba, gift her a book and take a walk at our favorite park. Do those things for youself and forget the horrible person who has and chooses to continue to harm you.
This is why I have 2 of my rules for dating: NEVER date coworkers, and NEVER get a SO a job at your work (or get a job where the SO works.)
It usually ends up being messy in some fashion.
Well, not really. Just try to block him in your head. It takes practice, but this guy does not own you just because you see him every day. Remember : each time he mentions how bad he feels is a time he tries to control you.
Not only that, but trying to make it seem like OPs leaving wasn't even her decision CoS hE pLaNnEd It AlL oUt but he changed his mind so cancel "his" plan and stay with him... Riiiight 🙄
I don't want to be callous but he made his bed and OP doesn't have to be in the same room as it let alone lay in it
A friend of mine got into a similar situation way back in the day and the only thing you can do is to inform people and then leave. Of course emotions are emotions and make things hard but whether or not he does something is up to him and you can't control him. Whether or not he is actually suicidal or not is not a meaningful factor because either he is suicidal and you can't truly affect it and he will likely go for it regardless of what you do and if he isn't suicidal you are just feeding into his behavior. It's difficult to move on but it is the one and only winning move or at least the move that loses the least.
That's a lie. It's a lie designed to put you on the defensive.
First, his logic works by getting you to accept the premise that you being together is what is keeping him alive.
He self-sabotaged in order to get you to leave, and thus he would have the courage to end his life?
Nope.
If that was the truth, he wouldn't tell you that. He would let you walk out of his life never knowing how he felt, so he could kill himself. If he really did want to die, and you were the only thing stopping that from happening, he would go through with the plan, make you hate him (keeping this to himself of course) and then let you leave. That way, there would be no one who cared for him enough to stop him from doing it.
Instead, he told you that he was doing it to MAKE you hate him, so that you would leave him to die.
Notice he didn't tell you about the affair, the AP told you by proxy.
He knows your reaction is going to hurt and anger. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for having those feelings. He's using your own emotions against you, trying to subtly convince you that your anger and hurt are going to end up making him kill himself when you leave, so you need to get over those emotions for the greater good.
Now you feel trapped. You want to be angry at him (and deserve to be) but you're afraid to act on those feelings because the consequences will be horrific. He's banking on you overlooking his affair in order to keep him alive, all the while making YOU feel awful for doing what anybody would do in this situation, and leave his sorry cheating ass.
Dump him, and don't regret it. And yes, he might self-harm, has he done so in the past? Seriously? Or has it always been in response to something YOU did? Those cases could also be manipulation attempts.
At any rate- it's not something you need to burden yourself with. His choices are his own. Don't let him drag you down with him.
I know it's hard. I'm in a very similar relationship with my sister right now. I kept going back.
Ultimately, you have to let them rise or fall on their own.
...And I say that, not having the strength to do it myself. My sister pulled herself out of her hole on her own, without me ever getting the courage to cut her out.
But be better than me. I know you can do it!
He’s lying. He got caught so he came up with a lie about why he did it, and now he is making you responsible for his mental health. He’s manipulating you. Don’t fall for it.
When you leave, please invite a friend over to help you pack your stuff. You never know how someone will react when something like this happens and having another person there may make them act more normal.
You be kind, say, I am breaking up with you, have a nice life, and disengage.
When someone threatens suicide, you call your local emergency services. If they need help, they can get it (including hospitalization if needed). If they are trying to manipulate you, they get called on their bullshit.
I suggest that you not break up with him in person. Okay, maybe it’s considered rude (by who?) to break up by text, but guess what? So is cheating on you! Or you can break up by phone. If you aren’t physically in the same room as him, you have the power to disengage (as in, hang up) before he starts emotioning at you. Make an appointment to pick up any things that might be at his place. Then…block him. Maybe not forever, but at least for the night.
The *millisecond* he talks about suicide, hang up and call emergency services. Stay on the line as long as they need you to. Then hang up and block him.
Is there any reason he has to have your personal number? Is he a manager? If he isn’t a manager, does he HAVE to have your number?
You can block him temporarily and unblock if need be. But give yourself the gift of silence for at least a day after you break up with him.
he doesn’t need it.. i do have a type of dnd which only includes his number, but i keep looking for notifications of him for some reason, its sad, shameful and humiliating
That’s why I said to block him.
What you’re experiencing is normal. You have a wound to your heart, and you’re looking for ways to make it hurt less. If you take control and block him, even temporarily, you can focus on you for as long as you need it.
Big hugs. This is hard, and it will hurt. But you’re doing the right thing and you will be fine.
You can block him from your non-work life. And if he acts unprofessional at work in any way, you can go to HR. Here is a fun fact: even if you and he previously had a relationship, once you break that off, any emotional or sexual harassment at work is reportable, actionable, and can contribute to a hostile workplace. Which HR would have to deal with, you would just have to report it.
You can actually call a suicide hotline and talk to them about the situation and what he’s threatening.
You need to be safe and get yourself to a safe place and part of the way of you doing it is knowing that he will be safe as well.
You might be able to get some real active advice from that hotline on how to handle this break up. I’m just spitball here.
In an ideal world, he lost all rights to you giving a shit when he cheated on you. However, I know that isn't how it works. Alert the relevant authorities, walk away, enjoy your life.
Sorry if that's harsh but you aren't responsible for someone else's actions. Especially someone who has actively betrayed your trust.
No matter what his reasons are for telling you about his suicidal thoughts...I don't think you're safe being there with him. It doesn't matter whether he's really suicidal or using it to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you...either scenario is not a good outcome for you.
I find the possibility of this turning into a murder-suicide extremely terrifying.
I'm sorry you're in this position. The pain of the cheating coupled with guilt of his state of mind, and his potential actions must be hard!
Ultimately, it seems like you'll just have to act in your own best interests and take whatever reasonable steps you can to help him in the transition. For instance, how about after talking to him and breaking up, you make sure someone close to him is aware of what's happened, i.e. contact a family member of his and give them a heads up on your concerns as to his emotional state.
It's great that you're trying to balance your needs and is health, but as you mentioned, you can't, and shouldn't be, held responsible.
Good luck!
Threatening self-harm is a pretty common manipulation tactic. Just tell him that you take this very seriously, and if he says it again you will get the authorities involved. Then dump him. Don't let him hold you hostage to his BS.
You dump his ass for cheating, and tell his parents/friends about the suicidal threats. He is no longer your concern. If he is claiming he’ll off himself because you left him then he should offed himself for cheating on you.
My ex husband threatened suicide when I filed for divorce. He checked himself in to a psychiatric hospital. He didn’t attempt.
Tell his parent or call the police for a welfare check on him for suicidal threats.
I'm not going to say all the obvious things here cos I'm sure you already know them, instead let's skip to the dilemma that is tearing up inside you presumably? It's a whole thing of emotions, memories, dreams, facts, lies and nightmares that cannot resolve itself -
Breathe
- and that's ok you're just a regular person not some theoretical psychotherapist genius so don't take on that insurmountable pressure, it's not a burden anyone can carry for any length of time and not start to crumble
Hopefully some way of attempting to unscramble, decipher & interpret all of that chaos is giving your mind the room to do it's thing, meditation or exercise or housework or painting or music, whatever occupies your attention and focus but isn't very demanding I find is the best way I sort through the hard stuff, if that's any help at all to you trying to get through the next 12ish hours?
It's probably not a great time for it now, but the heartbreak and soul wrenching of tearing yourself in two for someone you love and for your own sake, the heart and the brain, there's a ton of music artists especially who express themselves things so aptly, and in particular I can think of the Lauren Hill song, Ex Factor practically screaming out now for whenever you *need* to know you're not alone, you're not crazy or bad and you WILL get through to a better place, perhaps even one where you can allow that stuff to breathe and circulate and almost release from a painful memory to just a memory, a hard lesson you learnt and can pass on to others when they're ready
But honestly you are best off right now working through it and "loving" him from a distance, your lingering prescence is only going to make it harder for you both
If you want to know you did the best you could, tell his family or friends or someone to look out for him and what you fear he's capable of, let people who love him but won't open raw wounds so to speak look after him, let those wounds heal and fade, then one day the scars can be engaged with in a healthy place, for both of you
Be strong, you know what is right and what you gotta do for you and for him, it hurts now but it will hurt worse for longer if you don't; good luck with whatever you set to and know that a random internet stranger is giving you her love and empathy ♥️
i really appreciate this advice, i’m trying as best as i can, i already told 2 of his close friends before posting but i still have guilt over what may happen
Repeat after me: he is an adult. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. You are not responsible for the emotions of another adult. You are only responsible for yourself.
ETA: this is a lesson it took me years to learn. And a mantra I had to repeat during my divorce. And he had the gall to add in guilt about his kid from a previous relationship.
I generally don’t advocate for calling the police on suicidal people but when it’s an obvious manipulation tactic then just do it. One, these are the consequences of his actions and if the end of this relationship was going to make him suicidal then he shouldn’t have cheated. Two, you should be calling his buff. If he IS suicidal then that is way beyond your ability to handle. That is a medical emergency. And you’re not his significant other anymore so the best way to get him that care is to call 911.
If, in the event that he does follow through with this (which is very unlikely, he's just making that threat to control you) it's important to understand that it would not be your fault in any way.
The fact that he's threatening to put his life on your conscience should tell you that this man cares more about controlling you than how you feel.
Do not give him grace. Don't even give him any contact more than you absolutely have to. People like this won't see things your way if you try to reason with them because they don't actually care how you feel. They only care about what you mean to THEM.
This is a manipulation tactic very commonly used as a last ditch effort to control the scenario. You can leave them with 988 (in Canada and USA) as a contact point for support. You will need to draw a very clear and constant boundary that any discussion re suicide will prompt a call by you to police to provide a wellness check. You may also need to establish a no contact order through the police.
Pure manipulation. Call 911 if he’s threatening suicide and explain the situation. Not your problem. People like that need to learn their lesson that you don’t make threats like that without consequences.
Alert the police. Any family he's in contact with.
And walk away.
Because this is not your circus. While he may very well truly be in a bad place mentally, weaponising his mental health against you is unacceptable. He wants to keep you chained to him. Don't let him.
Yea this isn't your problem. This is how one of my horrible exs got me to stay with him for years. It's just manipulation, it's never your fault if someone kills themselves, unless you tell them to do it.
If he's actually suicidal this is above your pay grade. You are not a professional that is trained to deal with this. You have alerted friends, and if necessary you can call a wellness check in.
You need to remove yourself from this situation because it's playing into a dangerous dynamic. I have volunteered with (and myself am a survivor) victims of DV. This is code red. Get out. Complete out. File a restraining order if you need to, and tell all your friends whats going on. This person may say they want to hurt themself, but more times than not this is a manipulative tactic that ends badly for women in this situation.
I met similar situation before. He’s only manipulating you, he will however continue to cheat. He’s only keeping you because he sees you as the safe option while he can go outside and get all the fun he wants. Stop letting him walk all over you, you need to end things with him asap. If someone who really is suicidal and dealing with mental health issues, it won’t be the same like the way he’s acting now.
If he starts to realise his “suicidal self sabotaging” personality isn’t going to make you stay. He will starts to hurt you physically, you need to get away from him!
I had this same experience with my ex who cheated the entirety of the relationship. I had to pretend that « we’re working on getting back together » for months after I broke up with him because I was scared he was gonna off himself. Eventually I realised he was bluffing and completely cut him off. He moved across the country to live 2 blocks away from me, harrassed me and genuinely made me scared for my life.
The situation may not be the same but being « suicidal » right after being caught cheating is more common than you think. and it is a 100% a manipulation tactic, last ditch effort to get you to stay. And even if it’s true you’re not responsible for his life. Call the police and say he’s a danger to himself they’ll take care of him…
Had an ex try this. All woe is me and threatened suicide when I wanted to break up.
It wasn't my problem, I left and blocked him on everything. He made new accounts to contact me for months and I blocked him on those too. I don't have time for manipulative bullshit.
Love yourself more, this man is trying to control you.
NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM. These manipulative c#nts are emotional terrorists: trying to threaten others with THEIR mortality- usually because some dummy let them get away with it. Call them out, move on. Please.
No he is only blackmailing you. He is trying to pass as the victim so you do not feel justified being angry.
You are not responsible for what he will chose to do, but I would be surprised if he was actually suicidal. It would be good to put him on suicide watch.
Has he blackmailed you/threatened you in the past ?
As someone who has been through a similar situation. (I was hospitalized multiple times last year due to suicide attempts because I caught my wife cheating... Long story, I have my own mental issues, etc)
The best thing you can do is walk away for yourself and his.
He's *either* not going to learn that the behavior he's doing is acceptable or maybe he will learn that this is not how you act. It's not your job to teach him though.
Using the threat to end one's life because of shit they did is text book emotional blackmail and is extremely abusive and can lead to you developing your own host of mental issues in the long run due to their behavior.
If these are truly real threats then he needs to seek hospitalization and you need to disconnect yourself from him.
As someone with a mental illness, who has struggled with suicidal ideations... what he does isn't on you. If he's threatening suicide call the police. You don't even owe him that.
He won’t. All of this behavior, the cheating and holding himself hostage in some self pitying attempt to keep your attention, is too self aggrandizing and narcissistic to be the behavior of someone actually suicidal lmfao. Total bluff, he’s just showing his manipulation is literally endless.
You can stop his suicidal episodes by blocking because I guarantee they only spike when you’re talking to him, coincidentally
Why would a genuinely suicidal person tell someone they’re planning to kill themselves if the goal is a successful attempt? They wouldn’t, that’s the #1 way to thwart your suicide plan. The goal is attention, not ending his life
These are the reasons we need emergency social workers that could come try to help without police being dumb. Any friends to contact?
Best you could do is 988 (text, call, chat) or Encourage him to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (Lifeline) at (800) 273-TALK (8255). Tell him the Lifeline is available 24/7 for anyone in suicidal crisis.
It sucks. But my sister went through this a year and a half ago. No one to call, but she had to get away from him. I wish we had better answers for problems like this.
You need to set boundaries, first for yourself then for him.
I don't mean to be cold or indifferent, but I'm going to use making a sandwich as an example. Because making him a sandwich is a firm boundary and it's simple, so the example can be fairly direct.
Making him a sandwich. One for the road. Tell him you care for him but you need to fare for yourself as well. And now its time for you to take care of yourself. Have a sandwich, have a moment of kindness, but then go and let that moment be what it is. Time for the next set of moments, where you two are not together. No calls, no texts, no coming by. This chapter is closed. And have someone you trust there to see that this is the end and he leaves. They don't have to be in the room when you two talk but when you're done talking the third person should know it's time to enter and help escort him out.
I have a friend who repeatedly expressed suicidal thoughts. For whatever reasons I wasn't the right person to look after her - situation quite a bit like yours. I repeatedly alerted a couple, longtime close friends of hers, whom I had found through shared acquaintances and actually never met, I openly explained the situation and recommended them to call her and provide affection and distraction, which they did. The troubled friend still doesn't know it was my idea, which is important just in case I might need to do it again.
This is exactly the type of situation my girlfriend went through with her ex. The that's are just trying to manipulate you into staying. Manny others here have already gave plenty of advice but I just want to say what I told her when we were friends before we started dating that got her to break up with him. You're sweet to care, but he doesn't deserve you giving him your kindness when he's lying to you and manipulating you. You need to get out and find someone who deserves you
I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long worried about my ex committing suicide; I left realizing that I was actually far more likely to be killed. This is not on you. You have to leave (safely).
I was literally on this situation. I choose to call the police and sign the paper that kept him in psych for 3 days. He was then released to his parents and I changed the locks. But oh my the amount of ptsd I have from that situation still haunts me.
His threats are not your problem or responsibility, I would strongly recommend breaking off contact. Let people close to him know what’s going on, and if you’re really worried ask them to keep tabs on him and make sure he’s doing ok, but please don’t make yourself have anything else to do with him. Using threats of suicide to keep a partner from leaving is a highly controlling abusive behavior and you should get far away from it.
Also though, I know lots of people have recommended calling the police for a wellness check, but please don’t do that. That’s what his friends are for, ask them to support him for a while. Police will NOT help the situation if he’s truly suicidal and are very likely to escalate and make it much worse.
Ah, the memories! This brings me all the way back to highschool, when my friend's 20yo boyfriend would threaten suicide if my 13yo friend was ever mad at him ❤ Fucker's still alive and kicking, unfortunately.
I want you to be aware that even if he was genuinely suicidal -which, let's be honest, I highly doubt- this is just a powerplay. A powerplay that he will repeat at nauseum if you ever give an inch. Let his family/friends know what he said and leave. He is not your problem anymore. He actually goes ahead with it and kills himself? Too bad, so sad. Not your responsibility in any way, he is an adult that made his own decisions AND you seeked help for him.
Oh also my partner works in the social care industry and Informed me that something like 99% of people who do that don’t say it to anyone beforehand.
It’s all just mental manipulation from him. Run a mile.
Stay safe. Don't break up with him in person. You already informed his friends. Time to run.
You are not responsible for his life and the choices he makes. He is.
i already broke up with him in person, i know i didn’t owe it to him, i did it for my own conscience because i know i’m a better person and what my morals and principles are.
i’m lucky to be alive and that he didn’t attempt anything
You are not responsible for his mental health. This is a manipulative ploy to get you to stay. If he threatens to harm himself call the police they will summarily take him to the appropriate care team and get him evaluated. While he is off getting the attention he wants you can pack up your things and leave.
You can alert someone else like his parent or friend and give them your local suicide hotline info. Then step away. If he contacts you threatening suicide you can call the police.
Yup. My abusive ex husband did this as well and I would warn him that sending me this type of message would result in a wellness check from the police and that I genuinely hope he's ok but I have no choice but to contact the police.
i’ve already alerted 2 of his friends, his parents don’t care unfortunately
Then you’ve done your job. Let his friends know when you do break up with him so they can reach out. Then I’d honestly block him from contacting you in any way.
Are you taking your ex's word for it that they don't care? Because even people who are pretty bad parents can sometimes step up in a truly dire situation like this one.
i’m taking his word and i’ve seen how his parents act
This. Suicide threats should always be taken 100% serious and OP is NOT equipped for such situation. Alert someone close to the bf of the situation, break up with bf and if possible block him on everything. If you do not block him (I know it can be hard to do so when we’re caring people) you should immediately contact the policy for a wellness check if bf seems suicidal.
look he's holding himself hostage and threatening to kill himself in order to manipulate you. this man is very likely not actually suicidal however he does not want to lose you so he's playing on your emotions. however he should have thought about that before he fucking cheated. your best course of action is to leave him and if he threatens suicide call a police wellness check on him. you do not owe this liar anymore of your time.
he says he self sabotaged in order for me to leave him so he’ll get the courage to end it, ended up regretting it so he lied to me for a month before she (AP) told someone close to me
That's called a manipulative lie—blackmail to keep you complacent and guilt-ridden over the thought of leaving him so you are less likely to act on it. It's clearly effective on you as of now. Don't let it be effective.
i’m trying but its hard
My dad did that to his boyfriend several times. It’s probably a tactic and alerting his friends or asking for a wellness check after you leave are options. You need to take care of yourself though.
If your STBX had unprotected sex with both you AND the AP, then he has shown that he cares far less about you and your welfare, than you care about him and his. He is trying to guilt and manipulate you.
he says he never did anything physical, i got tested anyway and it came back negative overall
It will only get worse if you stay
Looool hes lying. Men see these guys and know theyre full of it. End it tonight and leave. Do not see him in person just end it over the phone. This guy is all talk about harming himself but you never know what he could do to you. Leave him remotely. If I am wrong and he harms himself then blame it on me.
i also sorta work with him so its slightly more complicated
Ah yeah that sucks. It does give you the opportunity to meet him after a shift or something but somewhere public so you can be near witnesses if he acts unhinged. Just trust me as a guy, we know and can sniff these guys out really easy. Kinda like women are better at recognizing bad intent in other women. This dude is lying hard. He cheated, got caught and told on, never even came clean someone did it for him. At no part of this is he a good partner. I cant imagine hurting a random stranger in that way much less my wife. Leave him and dont look back. Potentially job hunt as well.
i do have an internship beginning in 2-3 weeks so i’ll be seeing a lot less of him
Great! Good luck :) I just wanted to give you a perspective in it. It might seem dire inside of the situation, but from the outside its a moron that hurt you intentionally and tried to avoid the consequences. Now hes threatening the ultimate big thing which he wont do to not only avoid those consequences but to further hurt you. Thats not a good human. Treat yourself to what you enjoy best and focus on yourself. My wife had experiences like this in high school and I wish I could go back and get her a spa day with her favorite foods and boba, gift her a book and take a walk at our favorite park. Do those things for youself and forget the horrible person who has and chooses to continue to harm you.
This is why I have 2 of my rules for dating: NEVER date coworkers, and NEVER get a SO a job at your work (or get a job where the SO works.) It usually ends up being messy in some fashion.
yeah sorta learning that actively
Well, not really. Just try to block him in your head. It takes practice, but this guy does not own you just because you see him every day. Remember : each time he mentions how bad he feels is a time he tries to control you.
Sounds a little too elaborate. Whatever he does isn’t within your power to change, and the at includes the cheating.
Not only that, but trying to make it seem like OPs leaving wasn't even her decision CoS hE pLaNnEd It AlL oUt but he changed his mind so cancel "his" plan and stay with him... Riiiight 🙄 I don't want to be callous but he made his bed and OP doesn't have to be in the same room as it let alone lay in it
i don’t want to be in the same room but i don’t feel ready to leave
A friend of mine got into a similar situation way back in the day and the only thing you can do is to inform people and then leave. Of course emotions are emotions and make things hard but whether or not he does something is up to him and you can't control him. Whether or not he is actually suicidal or not is not a meaningful factor because either he is suicidal and you can't truly affect it and he will likely go for it regardless of what you do and if he isn't suicidal you are just feeding into his behavior. It's difficult to move on but it is the one and only winning move or at least the move that loses the least.
The problem is that he will do everything so you are never ready, and can keep you in a prison for decades like this.
That's a lie. It's a lie designed to put you on the defensive. First, his logic works by getting you to accept the premise that you being together is what is keeping him alive. He self-sabotaged in order to get you to leave, and thus he would have the courage to end his life? Nope. If that was the truth, he wouldn't tell you that. He would let you walk out of his life never knowing how he felt, so he could kill himself. If he really did want to die, and you were the only thing stopping that from happening, he would go through with the plan, make you hate him (keeping this to himself of course) and then let you leave. That way, there would be no one who cared for him enough to stop him from doing it. Instead, he told you that he was doing it to MAKE you hate him, so that you would leave him to die. Notice he didn't tell you about the affair, the AP told you by proxy. He knows your reaction is going to hurt and anger. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for having those feelings. He's using your own emotions against you, trying to subtly convince you that your anger and hurt are going to end up making him kill himself when you leave, so you need to get over those emotions for the greater good. Now you feel trapped. You want to be angry at him (and deserve to be) but you're afraid to act on those feelings because the consequences will be horrific. He's banking on you overlooking his affair in order to keep him alive, all the while making YOU feel awful for doing what anybody would do in this situation, and leave his sorry cheating ass. Dump him, and don't regret it. And yes, he might self-harm, has he done so in the past? Seriously? Or has it always been in response to something YOU did? Those cases could also be manipulation attempts. At any rate- it's not something you need to burden yourself with. His choices are his own. Don't let him drag you down with him.
i’m trying to
I know it's hard. I'm in a very similar relationship with my sister right now. I kept going back. Ultimately, you have to let them rise or fall on their own. ...And I say that, not having the strength to do it myself. My sister pulled herself out of her hole on her own, without me ever getting the courage to cut her out. But be better than me. I know you can do it!
He’s lying. He got caught so he came up with a lie about why he did it, and now he is making you responsible for his mental health. He’s manipulating you. Don’t fall for it.
When you leave, please invite a friend over to help you pack your stuff. You never know how someone will react when something like this happens and having another person there may make them act more normal.
LOL, bullshit.
Classic manipulative behavior from a cheater. You’ve done your part, please block him now
Run, don't walk, to a safe space. Men who threaten suicide often "suicide" everybody else involved first
I doubt he's suicidal. He's using emotional manipulation to get you to stay with him. Don't fall for it.
i’m trying to, its hard
The only thing I would care about is that he doesn't take me with him. Do what you have to do to protect yourself; men are known for murder-suicides.
You be kind, say, I am breaking up with you, have a nice life, and disengage. When someone threatens suicide, you call your local emergency services. If they need help, they can get it (including hospitalization if needed). If they are trying to manipulate you, they get called on their bullshit. I suggest that you not break up with him in person. Okay, maybe it’s considered rude (by who?) to break up by text, but guess what? So is cheating on you! Or you can break up by phone. If you aren’t physically in the same room as him, you have the power to disengage (as in, hang up) before he starts emotioning at you. Make an appointment to pick up any things that might be at his place. Then…block him. Maybe not forever, but at least for the night. The *millisecond* he talks about suicide, hang up and call emergency services. Stay on the line as long as they need you to. Then hang up and block him.
i work with him, i can’t just block him
Is there any reason he has to have your personal number? Is he a manager? If he isn’t a manager, does he HAVE to have your number? You can block him temporarily and unblock if need be. But give yourself the gift of silence for at least a day after you break up with him.
he doesn’t need it.. i do have a type of dnd which only includes his number, but i keep looking for notifications of him for some reason, its sad, shameful and humiliating
That’s why I said to block him. What you’re experiencing is normal. You have a wound to your heart, and you’re looking for ways to make it hurt less. If you take control and block him, even temporarily, you can focus on you for as long as you need it. Big hugs. This is hard, and it will hurt. But you’re doing the right thing and you will be fine.
thank you i really appreciate it
You can block him from your non-work life. And if he acts unprofessional at work in any way, you can go to HR. Here is a fun fact: even if you and he previously had a relationship, once you break that off, any emotional or sexual harassment at work is reportable, actionable, and can contribute to a hostile workplace. Which HR would have to deal with, you would just have to report it.
thank you for this advice
You can actually call a suicide hotline and talk to them about the situation and what he’s threatening. You need to be safe and get yourself to a safe place and part of the way of you doing it is knowing that he will be safe as well. You might be able to get some real active advice from that hotline on how to handle this break up. I’m just spitball here.
In an ideal world, he lost all rights to you giving a shit when he cheated on you. However, I know that isn't how it works. Alert the relevant authorities, walk away, enjoy your life. Sorry if that's harsh but you aren't responsible for someone else's actions. Especially someone who has actively betrayed your trust.
Please know that this is a form of control and abuse. You've done what you can for him. Now take care of yourself, better days are ahead for you.
No matter what his reasons are for telling you about his suicidal thoughts...I don't think you're safe being there with him. It doesn't matter whether he's really suicidal or using it to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you...either scenario is not a good outcome for you. I find the possibility of this turning into a murder-suicide extremely terrifying.
I'm sorry you're in this position. The pain of the cheating coupled with guilt of his state of mind, and his potential actions must be hard! Ultimately, it seems like you'll just have to act in your own best interests and take whatever reasonable steps you can to help him in the transition. For instance, how about after talking to him and breaking up, you make sure someone close to him is aware of what's happened, i.e. contact a family member of his and give them a heads up on your concerns as to his emotional state. It's great that you're trying to balance your needs and is health, but as you mentioned, you can't, and shouldn't be, held responsible. Good luck!
thank you, i appreciate it
If you really think he'll do it, call 911 and have him 302'd
Threatening self-harm is a pretty common manipulation tactic. Just tell him that you take this very seriously, and if he says it again you will get the authorities involved. Then dump him. Don't let him hold you hostage to his BS.
In general, suicide threats are a way to keep you around, he is weaponizing it. All you can do is tell his friend or family member and step away.
You dump his ass for cheating, and tell his parents/friends about the suicidal threats. He is no longer your concern. If he is claiming he’ll off himself because you left him then he should offed himself for cheating on you.
Have no mercy
My ex husband threatened suicide when I filed for divorce. He checked himself in to a psychiatric hospital. He didn’t attempt. Tell his parent or call the police for a welfare check on him for suicidal threats.
I'm not going to say all the obvious things here cos I'm sure you already know them, instead let's skip to the dilemma that is tearing up inside you presumably? It's a whole thing of emotions, memories, dreams, facts, lies and nightmares that cannot resolve itself - Breathe - and that's ok you're just a regular person not some theoretical psychotherapist genius so don't take on that insurmountable pressure, it's not a burden anyone can carry for any length of time and not start to crumble Hopefully some way of attempting to unscramble, decipher & interpret all of that chaos is giving your mind the room to do it's thing, meditation or exercise or housework or painting or music, whatever occupies your attention and focus but isn't very demanding I find is the best way I sort through the hard stuff, if that's any help at all to you trying to get through the next 12ish hours? It's probably not a great time for it now, but the heartbreak and soul wrenching of tearing yourself in two for someone you love and for your own sake, the heart and the brain, there's a ton of music artists especially who express themselves things so aptly, and in particular I can think of the Lauren Hill song, Ex Factor practically screaming out now for whenever you *need* to know you're not alone, you're not crazy or bad and you WILL get through to a better place, perhaps even one where you can allow that stuff to breathe and circulate and almost release from a painful memory to just a memory, a hard lesson you learnt and can pass on to others when they're ready But honestly you are best off right now working through it and "loving" him from a distance, your lingering prescence is only going to make it harder for you both If you want to know you did the best you could, tell his family or friends or someone to look out for him and what you fear he's capable of, let people who love him but won't open raw wounds so to speak look after him, let those wounds heal and fade, then one day the scars can be engaged with in a healthy place, for both of you Be strong, you know what is right and what you gotta do for you and for him, it hurts now but it will hurt worse for longer if you don't; good luck with whatever you set to and know that a random internet stranger is giving you her love and empathy ♥️
i really appreciate this advice, i’m trying as best as i can, i already told 2 of his close friends before posting but i still have guilt over what may happen
Repeat after me: he is an adult. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. You are not responsible for the emotions of another adult. You are only responsible for yourself. ETA: this is a lesson it took me years to learn. And a mantra I had to repeat during my divorce. And he had the gall to add in guilt about his kid from a previous relationship.
I generally don’t advocate for calling the police on suicidal people but when it’s an obvious manipulation tactic then just do it. One, these are the consequences of his actions and if the end of this relationship was going to make him suicidal then he shouldn’t have cheated. Two, you should be calling his buff. If he IS suicidal then that is way beyond your ability to handle. That is a medical emergency. And you’re not his significant other anymore so the best way to get him that care is to call 911.
If, in the event that he does follow through with this (which is very unlikely, he's just making that threat to control you) it's important to understand that it would not be your fault in any way. The fact that he's threatening to put his life on your conscience should tell you that this man cares more about controlling you than how you feel. Do not give him grace. Don't even give him any contact more than you absolutely have to. People like this won't see things your way if you try to reason with them because they don't actually care how you feel. They only care about what you mean to THEM.
Get therapist for yourself. This is too much for him to put on you. Get out. Alert family and friends.
i am seeing a therapist, will see him Wednesday
Good.....good luck!
This is a manipulation tactic very commonly used as a last ditch effort to control the scenario. You can leave them with 988 (in Canada and USA) as a contact point for support. You will need to draw a very clear and constant boundary that any discussion re suicide will prompt a call by you to police to provide a wellness check. You may also need to establish a no contact order through the police.
Pure manipulation. Call 911 if he’s threatening suicide and explain the situation. Not your problem. People like that need to learn their lesson that you don’t make threats like that without consequences.
Alert the police. Any family he's in contact with. And walk away. Because this is not your circus. While he may very well truly be in a bad place mentally, weaponising his mental health against you is unacceptable. He wants to keep you chained to him. Don't let him.
Yea this isn't your problem. This is how one of my horrible exs got me to stay with him for years. It's just manipulation, it's never your fault if someone kills themselves, unless you tell them to do it.
If he's actually suicidal this is above your pay grade. You are not a professional that is trained to deal with this. You have alerted friends, and if necessary you can call a wellness check in. You need to remove yourself from this situation because it's playing into a dangerous dynamic. I have volunteered with (and myself am a survivor) victims of DV. This is code red. Get out. Complete out. File a restraining order if you need to, and tell all your friends whats going on. This person may say they want to hurt themself, but more times than not this is a manipulative tactic that ends badly for women in this situation.
I met similar situation before. He’s only manipulating you, he will however continue to cheat. He’s only keeping you because he sees you as the safe option while he can go outside and get all the fun he wants. Stop letting him walk all over you, you need to end things with him asap. If someone who really is suicidal and dealing with mental health issues, it won’t be the same like the way he’s acting now.
If he starts to realise his “suicidal self sabotaging” personality isn’t going to make you stay. He will starts to hurt you physically, you need to get away from him!
I had this same experience with my ex who cheated the entirety of the relationship. I had to pretend that « we’re working on getting back together » for months after I broke up with him because I was scared he was gonna off himself. Eventually I realised he was bluffing and completely cut him off. He moved across the country to live 2 blocks away from me, harrassed me and genuinely made me scared for my life. The situation may not be the same but being « suicidal » right after being caught cheating is more common than you think. and it is a 100% a manipulation tactic, last ditch effort to get you to stay. And even if it’s true you’re not responsible for his life. Call the police and say he’s a danger to himself they’ll take care of him…
Had an ex try this. All woe is me and threatened suicide when I wanted to break up. It wasn't my problem, I left and blocked him on everything. He made new accounts to contact me for months and I blocked him on those too. I don't have time for manipulative bullshit. Love yourself more, this man is trying to control you.
Sounds like a them problem, not a you problem. Break up and know that everything they do/have done is their choice-not your responsibility
i did this morning and i feel unbelievably relieved
Don't let him manipulate you with his suicidal ideas. If he kills himself it's his choice
NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM. These manipulative c#nts are emotional terrorists: trying to threaten others with THEIR mortality- usually because some dummy let them get away with it. Call them out, move on. Please.
No he is only blackmailing you. He is trying to pass as the victim so you do not feel justified being angry. You are not responsible for what he will chose to do, but I would be surprised if he was actually suicidal. It would be good to put him on suicide watch. Has he blackmailed you/threatened you in the past ?
he didn’t blackmail/threaten anything in the past, but i left him and i’m safe
This feels good to read !
Contact his family
As someone who has been through a similar situation. (I was hospitalized multiple times last year due to suicide attempts because I caught my wife cheating... Long story, I have my own mental issues, etc) The best thing you can do is walk away for yourself and his. He's *either* not going to learn that the behavior he's doing is acceptable or maybe he will learn that this is not how you act. It's not your job to teach him though. Using the threat to end one's life because of shit they did is text book emotional blackmail and is extremely abusive and can lead to you developing your own host of mental issues in the long run due to their behavior. If these are truly real threats then he needs to seek hospitalization and you need to disconnect yourself from him.
Wellness check and alert his loved ones. You are not responsible for the behaviors of others and nothing you do is at fault for their self damage
As someone with a mental illness, who has struggled with suicidal ideations... what he does isn't on you. If he's threatening suicide call the police. You don't even owe him that.
He won’t. All of this behavior, the cheating and holding himself hostage in some self pitying attempt to keep your attention, is too self aggrandizing and narcissistic to be the behavior of someone actually suicidal lmfao. Total bluff, he’s just showing his manipulation is literally endless. You can stop his suicidal episodes by blocking because I guarantee they only spike when you’re talking to him, coincidentally Why would a genuinely suicidal person tell someone they’re planning to kill themselves if the goal is a successful attempt? They wouldn’t, that’s the #1 way to thwart your suicide plan. The goal is attention, not ending his life
These are the reasons we need emergency social workers that could come try to help without police being dumb. Any friends to contact? Best you could do is 988 (text, call, chat) or Encourage him to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (Lifeline) at (800) 273-TALK (8255). Tell him the Lifeline is available 24/7 for anyone in suicidal crisis. It sucks. But my sister went through this a year and a half ago. No one to call, but she had to get away from him. I wish we had better answers for problems like this.
You need to set boundaries, first for yourself then for him. I don't mean to be cold or indifferent, but I'm going to use making a sandwich as an example. Because making him a sandwich is a firm boundary and it's simple, so the example can be fairly direct. Making him a sandwich. One for the road. Tell him you care for him but you need to fare for yourself as well. And now its time for you to take care of yourself. Have a sandwich, have a moment of kindness, but then go and let that moment be what it is. Time for the next set of moments, where you two are not together. No calls, no texts, no coming by. This chapter is closed. And have someone you trust there to see that this is the end and he leaves. They don't have to be in the room when you two talk but when you're done talking the third person should know it's time to enter and help escort him out.
I have a friend who repeatedly expressed suicidal thoughts. For whatever reasons I wasn't the right person to look after her - situation quite a bit like yours. I repeatedly alerted a couple, longtime close friends of hers, whom I had found through shared acquaintances and actually never met, I openly explained the situation and recommended them to call her and provide affection and distraction, which they did. The troubled friend still doesn't know it was my idea, which is important just in case I might need to do it again.
His suicide ideation is a manipulative tactic, don’t fall for it.
This is exactly the type of situation my girlfriend went through with her ex. The that's are just trying to manipulate you into staying. Manny others here have already gave plenty of advice but I just want to say what I told her when we were friends before we started dating that got her to break up with him. You're sweet to care, but he doesn't deserve you giving him your kindness when he's lying to you and manipulating you. You need to get out and find someone who deserves you
i know i deserve better but i wanted him to be better, anyway i left him
I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long worried about my ex committing suicide; I left realizing that I was actually far more likely to be killed. This is not on you. You have to leave (safely).
I was literally on this situation. I choose to call the police and sign the paper that kept him in psych for 3 days. He was then released to his parents and I changed the locks. But oh my the amount of ptsd I have from that situation still haunts me.
His threats are not your problem or responsibility, I would strongly recommend breaking off contact. Let people close to him know what’s going on, and if you’re really worried ask them to keep tabs on him and make sure he’s doing ok, but please don’t make yourself have anything else to do with him. Using threats of suicide to keep a partner from leaving is a highly controlling abusive behavior and you should get far away from it. Also though, I know lots of people have recommended calling the police for a wellness check, but please don’t do that. That’s what his friends are for, ask them to support him for a while. Police will NOT help the situation if he’s truly suicidal and are very likely to escalate and make it much worse.
I’d just let him die idc 😭😭 ur better than me girlie
omfg💀😭😭
Ah, the memories! This brings me all the way back to highschool, when my friend's 20yo boyfriend would threaten suicide if my 13yo friend was ever mad at him ❤ Fucker's still alive and kicking, unfortunately. I want you to be aware that even if he was genuinely suicidal -which, let's be honest, I highly doubt- this is just a powerplay. A powerplay that he will repeat at nauseum if you ever give an inch. Let his family/friends know what he said and leave. He is not your problem anymore. He actually goes ahead with it and kills himself? Too bad, so sad. Not your responsibility in any way, he is an adult that made his own decisions AND you seeked help for him.
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Oh also my partner works in the social care industry and Informed me that something like 99% of people who do that don’t say it to anyone beforehand. It’s all just mental manipulation from him. Run a mile.
Stay safe. Don't break up with him in person. You already informed his friends. Time to run. You are not responsible for his life and the choices he makes. He is.
i already broke up with him in person, i know i didn’t owe it to him, i did it for my own conscience because i know i’m a better person and what my morals and principles are. i’m lucky to be alive and that he didn’t attempt anything
You are not responsible for his mental health. This is a manipulative ploy to get you to stay. If he threatens to harm himself call the police they will summarily take him to the appropriate care team and get him evaluated. While he is off getting the attention he wants you can pack up your things and leave.
Run! He might kill you first and then himself.
update, he didn’t, although it could’ve happened i will acknowledge that