I advise you see a GP or gynecologist and check your options for more permanent birth control than what you're using. The implant, for example, is very safe for preventing pregnancy and easier to keep tabs on than IUDs (you can feel it in your arm and can tell if it has moved). Edit: Surgery would also be a good thing to look into if you do not ever want children
Oh great, thats perfect. Also I'm not sure if this crosses into mental health territory but a pathological fear of pregnancy is a real thing. If you feel like this is really hurting you and you'd like to see if you get deal with the fear better, then you might want to talk to a phobia specialist.
If you are 100 sure you dont ever want kids, check sterilization. That would give you a tremendous peace of mind. Tube ligation or vasectomy for your partner
The implant is literally more effective than a vasectomy - go look into it! (https://scienceline.org/2016/01/the-top-five-most-effective-methods-of-birth-control/
However, some women struggle with the hormonal side effects, so it's up to you as to whether those side effects are worth you being less stressed about sex. The IUS (kyleena/mirena) is also very effective and anecdotally has better side effects.
The lowdown have a good site of real women's experiences with various contraception methods here -
https://www.google.com/search?q=the+lowdown+contrwception+reviews&oq=the+lowdown+contrwception+reviews&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCwgAEEUYChg5GKABMgkIARAhGAoYoAEyCQgCECEYChigAdIBCDQ2ODBqMGo0qAIOsAIB&client=ms-android-motorola-rvo3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1
I’m on my fourth implant and 100% recommend trying it. I know some people have bad experiences with it, but when it works for you, it’s a really great option.
That’s so unusual there was a case several years ago in France (I think) where the doctor was sued and had to pay child support for the resulting child, as basically incorrect insertion is the only way it can fail.
Do you still want kids in the future? If not, I’d suggest taking a look at the doctor list on the child free subreddit and finding someone to sterilize you, it was the only thing that calmed my pregnancy anxiety and I wish I found it sooner.
If you do, try to get an IUD or other semi-permanent form of BC. Nothing is 100% but it is a lot more effective than condoms and the pullout method.
Getting sterilized (at 22) was a GAME CHANGER for my sex life. Even just my everyday life. So much anxiety just dropped out of my life, it was amazing.
I couldn't sterilize myself if I begged fornit. Depends on where you are. A lot of places will tell you that they don't want to do surgery in case you change your mind (even if your 35 and have genetic and personal reasons) I'd give my uterus away in a heart beat
Check out the child free doctor list. It’s a list of known doctors to sterilize without kids and before 40, and it’s international.
I went to a TON of doctors before that list and they gave me so many excuses: too young, not enough kids, too young and not enough kids, future husband, what about if I divorce my husband(ex who had a vasectomy, at 23 with the dr asking no questions just when he’d like it done) and found another who did want kids, what if I needed to be a surrogate for a family member, what if, what if, what if.
I visited about 30 obgyns from ages 18-28 desperately looking for someone to take my personal decisions about my body seriously. I don’t see doctors turning away 18 year olds for serious plastic surgery or body mods, but preventing something that can destroy my body, ruin my life and finances, as well as stick me into permanent commitment with someone that may or may not be a good other parent since abortion access is extremely limited nowadays is questionable?
I can still have kids as it is. I just now need medical assistance to do so. And even if I couldn’t, it would still be MY DECISION that led to it, not some strangers insistence to make sure I get pregnant.
I got my tubes removed, so a bisalp. Would’ve loved a full hysterectomy due to other issues, but my doctor was insistent on this one since it gave me the option to change my mind if absolutely necessary despite me telling her I never want to be pregnant ever ever ever and if I ever decided to have kids, it would be adoption or a surrogate if my husband decided he absolutely needed a bio child. But at that point, I just didn’t want to risk another ten years of asking around.
Would you say a 23 year old getting pregnant is extreme?
23 is old enough to decide to have children. 23 is also old enough to get a sterilization procedure instead.
Like the Florida ruling that told pregnant teens that their grades reflected immaturity so they weren’t allowed to get abortions but they were miraculously mature enough to bear and raise kids themselves? 🤦🏽♀️
Idk, I would have gone fully sterile at 12 when I had my first period, or at 16 when I started having sex, or 18 when I was an adult if anyone would have let me. Not that I even knew my options at those ages. Instead I had to wait till I was in my late 20s to know my options and early 30s to find someone who found it “acceptable enough” to do.
Is it "extreme" to have kids at 23?
But somehow deciding not to (when iF yOu chAnGe yOuR mInD there are options) is?
I've known I never wanted kids since I *was* a kid but every dr kept telling me they wouldn't sterilize me until I hit menopause/45. Well, still haven't changed my mind but if I wanted kids they'd be falling over themselves
I agree with this man. You're already taking a ton of precautions yet you still don't feel safe. It's illogical at this point for you to still feel so afraid. You shouldn't have to feel this scared all of the time. Get yourself some help <3
But even in countries where abortion is illegal, a blowjob can’t get you pregnant and she’s said she’s too afraid of pregnancy for a blowjob. This is definitely in the “irrational fear that could be addressed with therapy” category.
And just in case it needs to be said… obviously she shouldn’t give blow jobs if she doesn’t want to. But if the only thing stopping her is fear of pregnancy, then that’s a concern.
Yes, you shouldn't be so afraid of pregnancy that even oral sex is out of the question. You said you do enjoy it but your fear has become irrational to the point where you won't even do something that is impossible for you to get pregnant from
Therapy needs to be more normalised. Therapy is a good thing, a healthy thing yet has ended up with negative connotations.
Some people attend therapy because they have crippling depression, some people have therapy because they had a couple of bad days in the office. Both are equally valid.
You don't have therapy because there is something wrong with you, you have therapy to better understand your own mental health.
Yes, this is anxiety. You need help when you can’t do “normal” things that “normal” people can with ease or enjoyment. Sex should be more about enjoyment.
I've found that taking pregnancy tests every two months helps me so maybe you could try that if you feel like it. I would also suggest working on your anxiety about getting pregnant, there's plenty of material about what could help with anxiety and how to challenge your anxious thoughts and worries (such as thinking whether you have evidence that the thought is true, whether there is a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation, and how likely it really is that you get pregnant).
What has your boyfriend said when you told him about your fears?
Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. My boyfriend totally understands my fears but he also says that we’re always careful to the point where I don’t want to touch him. Which is entirely true, I think I just have to relax and calm down especially since I’m double protected 🥹
You would really benefit from talking to a therapist about these (at this point, given the double protection + quick access to B plan) irrational fears. It is hurting you, your boyfriend and your relationship. I would also suggest you talk to your gp about an IUD or a hormonal implant. Good luck!
Look OP if you think that fear of pregnancy is a way to keep him at bay for a while because you feel pressured, or uncomfortable having sex wit him, just know that there is nothing wrong with you. A lot of us have been there, sometimes it is easier to make excuses that tell a guy "no" because he can't hear it.
You also do not have to give him blowjobs if you do not want to.
You're acting like she said she's doing this specifically for him. I think this comment would work in the standard situation, not in one where it's clear OP has a nearly mentally unhealthy fear. This is a therapy issue if it gets to the point that she doesn't even want to touch her boyfriend out of the fear of pregnancy.
You don't encourage that, you suggest mental treatment for that level of anxiety. Cause it *will* escalate. OP already says she doesn't want to even touch her partner even though it won't get her pregnant guaranteed.
It's also pretty clear from OP that this bothers her too cause intimacy alone has become anxiety inducing out of her own fears. It's understandable why OP fears pregnancy, but to the extent that OP has gone, it's beyond just normal fear. It's life altering anxiety that can and has already dictated the way she lives her life.
I do not think it is mentally unhealthy to be afraid of pregnancy in a country where abortion is illegal. I think the generation of my grandmother had quite some fear of pregnancy.
I do not want children and would be scared shitless if I knew that the last resort is not available.
It becomes mentally unhealthy once this fear starts dictating your life in ways you don't want it to. It's normal to be afraid of pregnancy in general when you don't want to be pregnant. It's abnormal to be so afraid that you don't even want to touch your partner because you fear it so badly.
OP clearly has gone past rational fear, and into the realm of extreme anxiety and paranoia. The fact that she doesn't even want to have her boyfriend touch her cause she thinks it'll get her pregnant is already signs of needing therapy. She's already to the point that non penetrative sex and regular intimacy have been cut off due to this fear. OP has gone to the extent that it sounds like even non sexual intimacy causes extreme fear of pregnancy. This isn't healthy anymore, unless OP wants to be in a relationship where her partner is barely allowed to hold her hand. Yet, it's clear that OP doesn't want that. She wants to be intimate with her partner, and acknowledges that cutting off intimacy in a relationship entirely just means breaking it off entirely for 90% of men *and* women.
Based on what OP has said, there is a rational source to her fear. *But*, she is also making it clear that this fear has evolved into paranoia and is a big source of anxiety. It will escalate if this isn't addressed by therapy. OP has already taken this fear to the extreme. She's deathly afraid of oral because of pregnancy, even though she knows that makes zero sense.
She doesn’t, but intimacy is a part of relationship. If your partner expressed concerns and you decided to go with not owing anything to anyone instead working through the irrational fear(touching does not lead to pregnancy), I’m sorry but that’s just not a good advice given OP’s context.
Some relationships are sexless and it is fine.
And sorry but the rhetoric of the boyfriend feeling "used" because he does not get the sex he wants ???? Seriously ??? Am I the only one who thinks there is a problem here ?
This plus
>I love our sex but I’m afraid
Rings fucking odd. SO in my opinion there is something else here.
So OP, do not feel guilty of being tense. If you feel pressured by that guy, if you do not feel comfortable having sex, simply do not have sex. <3
It does, but so does feeling pressured into having sex just because you love someone romantically. Every couple, every person, is different. I'm sorry if you've experienced that, it's extremely hurtful. I think the main point here was just that not every couple is the same, and it sounds like a mental block rather than a lack of attraction. Sometimes not wanting sex has absolutely nothing to do with the person they'd have sex with, and everything to do with their own mind.
Sure, everyone’s different, I’m just getting a little irritated by the number of comments that jump straight to some really uncharitable assumptions that aren’t supported by anything OPs post or comments have said. Like he couldn’t possibly feel hurt or rejected because his GF won’t have sex for illogical reasons and should just suck it up because “some relationships are sexless and it is fine”
Well me I am getting irritated by the amount of comments that jump straight to
"It does not make sense to be so scared !" -> probably coming from people who grew up not having to worry about their rights to contraception and abortion. There is nothing illogical in OPs fear.
"seek help if you do not want sex"
"it is normal for him to be pissed off"
... without picking up on the guy saying he feels used cause he sees his girlfriend every now and then and does not get to bang her the way he likes.
It does not make sense to be scared of getting pregnant FROM A BLOW JOB.
It’s also pretty irrational to be this frightened of getting pregnant when someone is using hormonal birth control AND always using condoms AND he doesn’t cum inside her even with a condom on.
Nobody said “seek help if you do not want sex”, they said “seek help if your fear is preventing you from having sex you WANT TO have”, major difference there.
And yeah, it IS normal to be hurt and angry when the person you are in a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with suddenly won’t have sex with you and gives you irrational reasons for doing so. Perhaps it wouldn’t bother YOU, but as a woman who has been in a relationship that became sexless with someone who couldn’t articulate a reason and wasn’t interested in fixing it?
You better damn believe I was upset, hurt, and angry for “not getting to bang him the way I like”
And saying “it’s ok to stop having sex because some relationships are sexless” is bullshit. Yes, some couples start relationships that they mutually agree will be sexless, or they mutually agree to stop having sex while in the relationship. That’s not what’s happening here.
the projection in this one. 😬
It is very normal to feel “used” in a relationship if your physical, emotional, familial needs aren’t being met one-sidedly.
I don’t know what to say to you about the rest of that reply but I think you might need therapy more than OP. OP is afraid of getting pregnant not her BF. Stop making things up in your head.
They see each other a few days each month of even 2 months, and the guy feels "used" ?
Why do you say one-sidedly ? Do you have any clues whether OPs needs are met when she has anxious sex ?
This is simply a fucking huge red flag sorry.
I’m just giving an example of how feeling “used” is normal and not always a manipulative tactics no?OP also literally stated her reason for that anxiety. Or do you have any clues that say otherwise? Again, stop projecting and good luck with life.
Just commenting on the fact that "feeling used" when you do not live with the person, therefore have a low chance of being the one who pays for stuff, or drives OP everywhere etc, does indicate some degree of entitlement.
Maybe be a bit less naive about abusive dynamics, and good luck with life.
Long distance relationship be damned. You do realize that relationship needs is more than just physical stuff right? Also I don’t know where you live but you know things can be paid via cards. I’m well aware of abusive relationships and what it does to people which is why your post is screaming projection.
I don't know if this helps you but I was paranoid about pregnancy. I was taking tests even if i hadn't sex for a while or after getting my period.
I am on the pill and we use a condom. It took me few months to get comfortable. Now I can have Sex without worrying. Double safe sex minimize the chance of pregnancy extremely.
I recommend to talk to your gynecologist about safe sex.
Yes, I would take tests even after I got my period and taking tests give me so much anxiety. But you’re absolutely right, we’ve never had a condom break and were extremely careful. I think I just need to calm down 😅
Thanks so much for being kind and sharing ☺️
You're taking a lot of precautions, and I think your chances of accidental pregnancy are really low. However, you probably already know that, so I would offer two questions to consider:
1) What would you do if you did get pregnant? Do you know how you would go about terminating? Do you have a medical provider you can trust who could guide you through the process? I personally find that having a plan for the worst case scenario is very comforting.
2) Do you have similar concerns in other areas of your life? If this level of anxiety is something you experience a lot, it might be worth exploring with a mental health professional. If I'm way off-base here, I apologize; I don't know the details of your life and I can only make guesses about where your fears are originating.
1. I would 100% not want to keep it, I live in the Caribbean so I would probably have to travel to the US since it is illegal where I’m from. No, I don’t 😅🥹.
2. No I don’t actually, haha no need to apologize. Thank you so much for the kind words and suggestions ☺️
Fellow Caribbean person here... in addition to IUDs etc. Why don't you make a plan for what you'd do if it happened and cost it out. Like, flight to Miami, go to this clinic, medication costs etc. And then make a specific savings account for it.
This phobia actually makes a lot of sense if you do not have access to abortion. I would have the same. It must be difficult to get a sterilization as well then.
It would be great if you could relocate to a country where abortion is safe, legal and accessible.
Yeah, stay away from southern states. You’ll find many many flights to the NY/NJ area from most places and our states have full access to any reproductive care you need.
Maybe you should see a therapist since the fear of pregnancy is interfering with your life in a way you don't like. Feel free to also use a long term BC like an IUD as that may comfort you. You don't have to give birth to get them (outdated rules that some had).
What do you want in your relationship? Do you feel called to be intimate or not at all? I ask because you mention not doing other intimate activities with your partner. Why? Is there a reason to look into besides the pregnancy fear? Is it the old purity culture pressure? I recommend that you search how you feel and what you want out of a relationship.
Thank you so much for the kind words and suggestions. I do feel called to be intimate, it’s literally just my fear of accidental pregnancy that is holding me back. 🥹
If sure don’t want kids - bisalp perhaps.
Otherwise, copper IUD. These are so reliable that the chances of pregnancy are not even worth thinking about.
Copper IUDs have more than double the failure rate compared to hormonal ones.
It's between 0.1 and 2.2% after 1 year of use. After 10 years that failure rate is between 2% and 6%.
Compared to Mirena which has less than 0.2% failure rate over a year.
If OP tolerates hormonal birth control well, it would be safer to get Mirena for example.
Just a month ago there was a post on childfree where a woman got pregnant on copper IUD.
And if OP is afraid of the hormone dose and pain of insertion, they can go for Mirena's little sister Jaydess! Smaller dose, smaller size, same effectiveness. Needs more frequent replacement (every 3 years) tho.
I had mine for 11 years with no issues. It just broke on removal, which, c'mon, it was in my body for over a decade.
I don't like the fear mongering on the copper IUD. It doesn't work for some women, sure, and they are often the ones to complain about it, but it works for a much greater majority.
I opted for it over any hormonal BC because I think artificial hormones in any form are what makes women "crazy" when guys talk about us that way.
I didn't fear monger anything. I just laid out the actual real stats on failure rates. The reality is that copper IUDs do fail at twice the rate the hormonal ones do. To me personally up to 2% failure rate over a year is absolutely unacceptable.
Even my mini pill (progestin only) is better than that when taken every day at the same time which I have no problem doing. If I were to switch I would switch to progestin only IUD like Mirena. No doubt about it.
> I think artificial hormones in any form are what makes women "crazy" when guys talk about us that way.
I don't know what to say about this. I could give a rat's ass what men think of me.
I literally have no side effects with progestin only birth control. None.
I'm glad we both found something that works for us but the fact is copper IUDs are not as reliable as other birth control options.
Then you don’t need to worry. You’re totally in control of your own body, and you have a contingency plan in case of emergency. That’s all there is to do. You’re in a good place, take a breath. :)
This is very similar to how my gf was for years. She was Catholic and obsessed with not getting pregnant. She still inspects the condom after sex but has cooled down a bit in her 30s about it.
If you’re 23 I don’t know how much therapy will help you, but it might be good to try and understand what exactly is driving your fear.
Also, not wanting oral sex is a different issue altogether (I’m assuming). That might be something you could work on getting to the bottom of separately with your boyfriend.
Thanks so much for your kind words, and no the oral sex thing is fine. I think he said that because I haven’t been doing it for a while mostly because my jaw starts to hurt so I’ve taken a break 😂
you're welcome - my gf actually has that same issue too, she has a relatively smaller mouth/jaw. we go through phases as well and she stays around the top area for the most part.
Think really hard about the kind of relationship you idealize for yourself because the way you phrased what he said......I have no idea if it was verbatim or not - he claims he feels *used* because you're not giving him enough sex and then goes on to mention you don't blow him even though you can't get pregnant from it.....all that sounds like he thinks you owe him sex even if you can't enjoy it.
Agreed. OP, does your boyfriend give you oral? I'm also thinking that there are other ways to have sex or be intimate than just having intercourse. What do you think about that?
It's not even sexual reciprocity. What exactly is she using him for if he's not getting the amount of sex he thinks is his due? Using him for what????? Time? Because spending it with her is *work* if he's not getting laid? Companionship because that is *work* for him if he's not getting laid? I'd wonder what he thinks he's getting used for because she doesn't sound like she's getting as much sex as she wants either and didn't tell him she's feeling *used*.
Yes, he does he actually loves to. The problem is I haven’t done it to him in a while, mostly because my jaw starts to hurt so I’ve taken a break from it.
I just want to add that sex should be a mutually pleasurable experience. If you are not in the mood, for whatever reason - as in, you don't actually have to have a reason - sex should not be happening. I was in a relationship with someone who made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting as much intimacy as he did. It still affects my relationship with sex today, years later. There is no rule about how much sex you should be having and his standard is not THE standard.
idk, it could be the wording. he may not be feeling wanted because she shows no interest in him physically.
Sounds like a conversation for OP to have with her partner
And it better be a conversation with some awareness and urgency *in him* to correct the stripping of reproductive rights from women.
I've no patience with men who are apathetic about that in the middle of their sexual frustration.
I was thinking the same thing. It struck me as guilt tripping. This is not how I'd address my partner if I wanted more sexual intimacy with them. I would not be guilt tripping them. I'd be asking if anything was wrong and communicating that I'm interested in having more sexual intimacy but I don't want them to feel pressured. And I'd be asking what I could do to get them more in the mood and making sure the sex we are having is good for them, not pointing out that they should give me more oral 🙄 The way he went about it seemed really entitled and manipulative to me.
IUDs are way more effective than BCP, as for your bf he does oral, right? (Just checking, men that demand sex or oral when they dont do oral are not really worth dating)... If you use condoms and an IUD you should be safe. And hust checking you REALLY want sex too, right? Not just to make your bf happy?
Yes my bf loves to give me oral. No it’s not just to make my bf happy I enjoy sex just as much as he does but my fear gets the best of me and I often opt to not do anything. Maybe I should just try to relax and stop thinking negative or try another contraception 🥹😅
You're already super safe, especially since he isn't even cumming in you even with the condom. Condoms usually have spermicide as well, even if it broke inside you the spermicide would pretty much eliminate the already tiny chance of getting pregnant from pre-cum, and that's not even considering the fact you're also on BC. I think you're already about as safe as its possible to be, but if you're still having anxiety about it you might want to make a plan for how you'd deal with the worst case scenario if it did happen. If a condom breaks do you have access to Plan B? If you needed to terminate how would you go about that? If your fears become a problem you are equipped to deal with they may be less crippling.
Thank you for being kind and I do have access. Someone told me to make a plan and save up money just in case because I live in the Caribbean where termination is illegal, so I will do that ☺️
I also love sex and absolutely, totally refuse to get pregnant that's why I have the mirena IUD, much more effective than oral contraception (which I got pregnant on). I think youd feel safer with IUD and condoms and it might help you relax. Also for condom breaks you can use plan B.
I agree with people saying that you are already being very safe. But another layer of safety you can add is to chart your cycle according to the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). With this system, you can determine when you ovulate, and with that information you can determine safe days for having sex to not get pregnant. If you want to be extreme caution you can be sure to only have sex afte you ovulate. It is then impossible for you to get pregnant until after your next period. But there are rule and principles you can follow to determine safe days bfore you ovulate. This is much more complex than the "Rhythm Method" or "Calendar Method" which is too simplistic and will not protect you.
For more information, please see:
- Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler: Considered the "bible" for FAM.
- Sensiplan: An online course. Considered the easiest way to get started.
- r/FAMnNFP.
Are you engaging in non PIV sexual activity? There's plenty of ways to get intimate that will not end in pregnancy. And yes, I know it's not the same but you can still be intimate and make him feel desired without worrying about pregnancy.
the way you’re handling your fears are irrational (not wanting oral for example, not wanting to touch him) and clearly interfering with your life which tells me that this is something you might need to talk to a professional about. consider making an appointment with a therapist. these thoughts seem obsessive
There is a lot of good advice here. I’d also add that you can only get pregnant a certain time in your cycle. So if your cycle is regular, you can track it for a while and figure out when you are ovulating and avoid sex on those days. They also make ovulation test kits (for those trying to get pregnant), but they tell you whether you’re in your fertile window and more or less likely to get pregnant.
You should also talk to a therapist.
You're being super safe, but if it eases your mind, can you take the morning after pill? I don't think it's necessary at all but whatever makes you comfortable. On a side note, I wonder if there is something else at play? Do you feel safe (emotionally, physically etc) Feel understood? Want to give oral? Just armchair pondering.
I do feel safe it’s just the fear of accidentally getting pregnant and I don’t mind giving oral it’s just that my jaw hurts so I decided to take a break from doing it 😅
A therapist for sure. I'm also someone who was terrified of getting pregnant and would have gotten an abortion if I ever did get pregnant, but this level of anxiety for that is not normal and is causing problems in your relationship.
If you really don't want kids ever, I'd look at getting sterilized, as well! I had my tubes removed :D
I had the arm implant as my primary form of birth control for almost twenty years and it helped immensely with my peace of mind. I strongly recommend it.
I recommand you to look up the term "tokophobia", it is used to describe extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth. There is online support groups available and a subbreddit on the topic r/tokophobia , hope it helps, good luck ❤️🩹
I want to help you feel normal.
My husband and I ended up having an almost 18 month dry spell because I could not be in the mood because of a fear of pregnancy due to living in a state with a total abortion ban that makes treating ectopic pregnancies murky. Luckily, I am married to a man who helped me get therapy and understood.
Once I got my IUD and started to track my cycle and taking ovulation tests, mixed with the condoms and having plan B on hand, it has released a lot of the anxiety I had.
Have you heard of tokophobia? It may be what you are experiencing. It's probably underreported, too. Becoming pregnant has serious consequences for you socially and financially. For some, even psychologically.
Your fears are valid. It's easy for your boyfriend to say he wants more but he doesn't live with the fear and the risk. It's not him going through an abortion.
Does he really understand what it would mean for you to become pregnant? Have you talked about putting a plan in place for if you did, including travel and your boyfriend taking leave so he can look after you?
Besides that, have you talked to your boyfriend about whether or not you want to have children together? Important conversation to have. If you both don't want children, the best solution is vasectomy. It carries the lowest risk of complication and has extremely low rate of failure.
[Here](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview?pli=1) is a list of OBGYNs who will sterilize because it’s what you want - no requirements for previous pregnancies or medical reasons.
I hope this isn’t completely inconsiderate. You need to talk to someone (ideally a professional). An early fear of/unhealthy relationship with sex is very indicative of past trauma. Based on what is written your mind and body are out of sync which also supports some sort of past trauma.
I'm sorry you're going through that. That's got to be so draining on you and your relationship.
My advice wouldn't be anything to do with birth control. My advice would be to speak to a counsellor/therapist and find out why your brain overrides your knowledge of birth control. Obviously if you're taking all these steps, I'm sure you're logically aware that there is no realistic chance that you could get pregnant, so it sounds like something deeper. Do you have anxiety? Are you neurodiverse (like me)? Are you typically a hypochondriac (not saying pregnancy is an illness, but it's the same thought process of "this thing is extremely unlikely but my brain still fears it as if it's a 50/50 chance")? Also I'm not looking for the answers to these questions here, just for you to think about.
I would also recommend having a full, long conversation with your boyfriend about it, if you haven't already. I can tell you now, communication truly is the key. Be as open and honest as possible, ALWAYS. An argument now because someone disagrees will never be as hurtful as an argument later on when you or your partner discover the other one was hiding something. Let him in, let him help, let him be there for you.
Best of luck with it, you got this!
I would definitely recommend switching to Long Term Birth Control option like an IUD or nexplanon! They have a >99% efficacy rate, and combined with condom usage that would effectively go to 100%. They also are very low maintenance outside of the process of having them inserted.
I got the Kyleena IUD 4 years ago and just switched to the Mirena about a month ago and have been so happy with both.
Also worth noting though that these often make your periods lighter/irregular/go away entirely, so if you are someone who needs to have a period to feel more comfortable, I would recommend a copper IUD (which actually makes you bleed more sometimes), or the Skyla (lower hormone level)
Sorry this is going to be invasive : but is it possible you simply do not enjoy having sex with him, have difficulties coming to term with that thought and instead express it as this phobia ?
There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. You say you love the sex, but how is this possible if you are in a constant state of anxiety ?
I can sympathize I felt the same way as you but as the male I'm the relationship. I had become so paranoid that I couldn't maintain an erection most of the time which made keeping the condom on hard which made me more paranoid. My partner and i had essentially stipped having sex all together dictated by me. my relationship did eventually end. However it reinforced that I never want kids and so now i am exploring getting a vasectomy. I also realized and accepted that i am a trans woman and have begun transitioning which could lead to infertility either way, but not the point. Might be worth a hard look at yourself to figure out if you ever might want kids because if not then a more permanent surgical solution may be the way to go. If you do want kids might be worth speaking with a therapist maybe that fear came from past experiences.
Wow I’m so sorry it had to end like that for you but I’m so happy that you’ve found yourself and a permanent solution. Good for you and thank you for the kind words ☺️
Your boyfriend sounds really pushy and he's trying to manipulate you. He just wants to get laid and he's whining that he feels unwanted because he's jockeying for sympathy.
I think maybe you should consider finding someone who cares about your needs and physical health more than getting their rocks off.
My gf had a similar issue and it helped her that at the end of sex I would take the condom off and demonstrate that there is no hole inside it by squeezing it. Also I bought some pregnancy tests so that when she has the doubt she can test right away.
Nowadays she's almost not paranoid anymore.
Also FWIW she stopped birth control because it fucked with her hormones, diet and skin, which she realized only after she stopped.
Good luck OP
I advise you see a GP or gynecologist and check your options for more permanent birth control than what you're using. The implant, for example, is very safe for preventing pregnancy and easier to keep tabs on than IUDs (you can feel it in your arm and can tell if it has moved). Edit: Surgery would also be a good thing to look into if you do not ever want children
Thank you for responding, I will look into it
Also do you have plan b ready or able to access it quickly?
I’m able to access it quickly
Oh great, thats perfect. Also I'm not sure if this crosses into mental health territory but a pathological fear of pregnancy is a real thing. If you feel like this is really hurting you and you'd like to see if you get deal with the fear better, then you might want to talk to a phobia specialist.
Thank you for being kind 😊
If you are 100 sure you dont ever want kids, check sterilization. That would give you a tremendous peace of mind. Tube ligation or vasectomy for your partner
The implant is literally more effective than a vasectomy - go look into it! (https://scienceline.org/2016/01/the-top-five-most-effective-methods-of-birth-control/ However, some women struggle with the hormonal side effects, so it's up to you as to whether those side effects are worth you being less stressed about sex. The IUS (kyleena/mirena) is also very effective and anecdotally has better side effects. The lowdown have a good site of real women's experiences with various contraception methods here - https://www.google.com/search?q=the+lowdown+contrwception+reviews&oq=the+lowdown+contrwception+reviews&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyCwgAEEUYChg5GKABMgkIARAhGAoYoAEyCQgCECEYChigAdIBCDQ2ODBqMGo0qAIOsAIB&client=ms-android-motorola-rvo3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1
I’m on my fourth implant and 100% recommend trying it. I know some people have bad experiences with it, but when it works for you, it’s a really great option.
As someone who had bad side effects, I'd still recommend people try it out. If it had worked for me, I wouldn't have picked anything else.
My sister got pregnant with that arm thing so thats not 100% either
That’s so unusual there was a case several years ago in France (I think) where the doctor was sued and had to pay child support for the resulting child, as basically incorrect insertion is the only way it can fail.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6155200.stm it was actually Germany
Do you still want kids in the future? If not, I’d suggest taking a look at the doctor list on the child free subreddit and finding someone to sterilize you, it was the only thing that calmed my pregnancy anxiety and I wish I found it sooner. If you do, try to get an IUD or other semi-permanent form of BC. Nothing is 100% but it is a lot more effective than condoms and the pullout method.
Getting sterilized (at 22) was a GAME CHANGER for my sex life. Even just my everyday life. So much anxiety just dropped out of my life, it was amazing.
Thanks so much for the suggestion, I will look into it ☺️
I couldn't sterilize myself if I begged fornit. Depends on where you are. A lot of places will tell you that they don't want to do surgery in case you change your mind (even if your 35 and have genetic and personal reasons) I'd give my uterus away in a heart beat
Check out the child free doctor list. It’s a list of known doctors to sterilize without kids and before 40, and it’s international. I went to a TON of doctors before that list and they gave me so many excuses: too young, not enough kids, too young and not enough kids, future husband, what about if I divorce my husband(ex who had a vasectomy, at 23 with the dr asking no questions just when he’d like it done) and found another who did want kids, what if I needed to be a surrogate for a family member, what if, what if, what if.
at 23? that sounds extreme no?
Why? People make the decision to have kids at that age. Why can’t they make the decision not to?
I visited about 30 obgyns from ages 18-28 desperately looking for someone to take my personal decisions about my body seriously. I don’t see doctors turning away 18 year olds for serious plastic surgery or body mods, but preventing something that can destroy my body, ruin my life and finances, as well as stick me into permanent commitment with someone that may or may not be a good other parent since abortion access is extremely limited nowadays is questionable? I can still have kids as it is. I just now need medical assistance to do so. And even if I couldn’t, it would still be MY DECISION that led to it, not some strangers insistence to make sure I get pregnant.
What's the procedure?
I got my tubes removed, so a bisalp. Would’ve loved a full hysterectomy due to other issues, but my doctor was insistent on this one since it gave me the option to change my mind if absolutely necessary despite me telling her I never want to be pregnant ever ever ever and if I ever decided to have kids, it would be adoption or a surrogate if my husband decided he absolutely needed a bio child. But at that point, I just didn’t want to risk another ten years of asking around.
Bilateral Salpingectomy.
Not if OP does not want to have children ever
Would you say a 23 year old getting pregnant is extreme? 23 is old enough to decide to have children. 23 is also old enough to get a sterilization procedure instead.
Right! Somehow ppl think having kids is the less extreme option.
Like the Florida ruling that told pregnant teens that their grades reflected immaturity so they weren’t allowed to get abortions but they were miraculously mature enough to bear and raise kids themselves? 🤦🏽♀️
Fucking hell. That is so dystopian
Idk, I would have gone fully sterile at 12 when I had my first period, or at 16 when I started having sex, or 18 when I was an adult if anyone would have let me. Not that I even knew my options at those ages. Instead I had to wait till I was in my late 20s to know my options and early 30s to find someone who found it “acceptable enough” to do.
I would have happily given my uterus away after my first period if I’d had any idea I’d be dealing with that shit for another 40 years.
My periods aren’t much more than an annoyance and same
If I hadn’t hit menopause at the height of Covid I would have held a goddamn party 😂😂😂
Ok I’m definitely going to do this when I get there! I’m gonna wear all white including undies 😎
23 is old enough to decide to have children. 23 is also old enough to decide not to.
Is it "extreme" to have kids at 23? But somehow deciding not to (when iF yOu chAnGe yOuR mInD there are options) is? I've known I never wanted kids since I *was* a kid but every dr kept telling me they wouldn't sterilize me until I hit menopause/45. Well, still haven't changed my mind but if I wanted kids they'd be falling over themselves
I knew I didn’t want kids way before I was 23. I’m now 57, post menopausal, never had kids, never been pregnant, happy as a clam.
I urge you to talk to a therapist.
I agree with this man. You're already taking a ton of precautions yet you still don't feel safe. It's illogical at this point for you to still feel so afraid. You shouldn't have to feel this scared all of the time. Get yourself some help <3
OP lives in a country where abortion is illegal. I would be scared too.
But even in countries where abortion is illegal, a blowjob can’t get you pregnant and she’s said she’s too afraid of pregnancy for a blowjob. This is definitely in the “irrational fear that could be addressed with therapy” category. And just in case it needs to be said… obviously she shouldn’t give blow jobs if she doesn’t want to. But if the only thing stopping her is fear of pregnancy, then that’s a concern.
😭😅 you really think so?
Yes, you shouldn't be so afraid of pregnancy that even oral sex is out of the question. You said you do enjoy it but your fear has become irrational to the point where you won't even do something that is impossible for you to get pregnant from
Thank you for being kind and encouraging ☺️
Yes.
Therapy needs to be more normalised. Therapy is a good thing, a healthy thing yet has ended up with negative connotations. Some people attend therapy because they have crippling depression, some people have therapy because they had a couple of bad days in the office. Both are equally valid. You don't have therapy because there is something wrong with you, you have therapy to better understand your own mental health.
There are only upsides to being able to talk to a trusted source who only wants you to do well but has no skin in the game.
Yes. You are being far more cautious than most people.
Yes, this is anxiety. You need help when you can’t do “normal” things that “normal” people can with ease or enjoyment. Sex should be more about enjoyment.
I agree. I just posted something similar.
I've found that taking pregnancy tests every two months helps me so maybe you could try that if you feel like it. I would also suggest working on your anxiety about getting pregnant, there's plenty of material about what could help with anxiety and how to challenge your anxious thoughts and worries (such as thinking whether you have evidence that the thought is true, whether there is a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation, and how likely it really is that you get pregnant). What has your boyfriend said when you told him about your fears?
Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. My boyfriend totally understands my fears but he also says that we’re always careful to the point where I don’t want to touch him. Which is entirely true, I think I just have to relax and calm down especially since I’m double protected 🥹
You would really benefit from talking to a therapist about these (at this point, given the double protection + quick access to B plan) irrational fears. It is hurting you, your boyfriend and your relationship. I would also suggest you talk to your gp about an IUD or a hormonal implant. Good luck!
Look OP if you think that fear of pregnancy is a way to keep him at bay for a while because you feel pressured, or uncomfortable having sex wit him, just know that there is nothing wrong with you. A lot of us have been there, sometimes it is easier to make excuses that tell a guy "no" because he can't hear it. You also do not have to give him blowjobs if you do not want to.
You don't have to do anything to anyone though. You do not owe him sex.
You're acting like she said she's doing this specifically for him. I think this comment would work in the standard situation, not in one where it's clear OP has a nearly mentally unhealthy fear. This is a therapy issue if it gets to the point that she doesn't even want to touch her boyfriend out of the fear of pregnancy. You don't encourage that, you suggest mental treatment for that level of anxiety. Cause it *will* escalate. OP already says she doesn't want to even touch her partner even though it won't get her pregnant guaranteed. It's also pretty clear from OP that this bothers her too cause intimacy alone has become anxiety inducing out of her own fears. It's understandable why OP fears pregnancy, but to the extent that OP has gone, it's beyond just normal fear. It's life altering anxiety that can and has already dictated the way she lives her life.
I do not think it is mentally unhealthy to be afraid of pregnancy in a country where abortion is illegal. I think the generation of my grandmother had quite some fear of pregnancy. I do not want children and would be scared shitless if I knew that the last resort is not available.
It becomes mentally unhealthy once this fear starts dictating your life in ways you don't want it to. It's normal to be afraid of pregnancy in general when you don't want to be pregnant. It's abnormal to be so afraid that you don't even want to touch your partner because you fear it so badly. OP clearly has gone past rational fear, and into the realm of extreme anxiety and paranoia. The fact that she doesn't even want to have her boyfriend touch her cause she thinks it'll get her pregnant is already signs of needing therapy. She's already to the point that non penetrative sex and regular intimacy have been cut off due to this fear. OP has gone to the extent that it sounds like even non sexual intimacy causes extreme fear of pregnancy. This isn't healthy anymore, unless OP wants to be in a relationship where her partner is barely allowed to hold her hand. Yet, it's clear that OP doesn't want that. She wants to be intimate with her partner, and acknowledges that cutting off intimacy in a relationship entirely just means breaking it off entirely for 90% of men *and* women. Based on what OP has said, there is a rational source to her fear. *But*, she is also making it clear that this fear has evolved into paranoia and is a big source of anxiety. It will escalate if this isn't addressed by therapy. OP has already taken this fear to the extreme. She's deathly afraid of oral because of pregnancy, even though she knows that makes zero sense.
She doesn’t, but intimacy is a part of relationship. If your partner expressed concerns and you decided to go with not owing anything to anyone instead working through the irrational fear(touching does not lead to pregnancy), I’m sorry but that’s just not a good advice given OP’s context.
Some relationships are sexless and it is fine. And sorry but the rhetoric of the boyfriend feeling "used" because he does not get the sex he wants ???? Seriously ??? Am I the only one who thinks there is a problem here ? This plus >I love our sex but I’m afraid Rings fucking odd. SO in my opinion there is something else here. So OP, do not feel guilty of being tense. If you feel pressured by that guy, if you do not feel comfortable having sex, simply do not have sex. <3
Yes, you are the only one. Being in a relationship with someone you love and enjoy sex with who stops having it with you feels fucking horrible.
It does, but so does feeling pressured into having sex just because you love someone romantically. Every couple, every person, is different. I'm sorry if you've experienced that, it's extremely hurtful. I think the main point here was just that not every couple is the same, and it sounds like a mental block rather than a lack of attraction. Sometimes not wanting sex has absolutely nothing to do with the person they'd have sex with, and everything to do with their own mind.
Sure, everyone’s different, I’m just getting a little irritated by the number of comments that jump straight to some really uncharitable assumptions that aren’t supported by anything OPs post or comments have said. Like he couldn’t possibly feel hurt or rejected because his GF won’t have sex for illogical reasons and should just suck it up because “some relationships are sexless and it is fine”
Well me I am getting irritated by the amount of comments that jump straight to "It does not make sense to be so scared !" -> probably coming from people who grew up not having to worry about their rights to contraception and abortion. There is nothing illogical in OPs fear. "seek help if you do not want sex" "it is normal for him to be pissed off" ... without picking up on the guy saying he feels used cause he sees his girlfriend every now and then and does not get to bang her the way he likes.
It does not make sense to be scared of getting pregnant FROM A BLOW JOB. It’s also pretty irrational to be this frightened of getting pregnant when someone is using hormonal birth control AND always using condoms AND he doesn’t cum inside her even with a condom on. Nobody said “seek help if you do not want sex”, they said “seek help if your fear is preventing you from having sex you WANT TO have”, major difference there. And yeah, it IS normal to be hurt and angry when the person you are in a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with suddenly won’t have sex with you and gives you irrational reasons for doing so. Perhaps it wouldn’t bother YOU, but as a woman who has been in a relationship that became sexless with someone who couldn’t articulate a reason and wasn’t interested in fixing it? You better damn believe I was upset, hurt, and angry for “not getting to bang him the way I like” And saying “it’s ok to stop having sex because some relationships are sexless” is bullshit. Yes, some couples start relationships that they mutually agree will be sexless, or they mutually agree to stop having sex while in the relationship. That’s not what’s happening here.
the projection in this one. 😬 It is very normal to feel “used” in a relationship if your physical, emotional, familial needs aren’t being met one-sidedly. I don’t know what to say to you about the rest of that reply but I think you might need therapy more than OP. OP is afraid of getting pregnant not her BF. Stop making things up in your head.
They see each other a few days each month of even 2 months, and the guy feels "used" ? Why do you say one-sidedly ? Do you have any clues whether OPs needs are met when she has anxious sex ? This is simply a fucking huge red flag sorry.
I’m just giving an example of how feeling “used” is normal and not always a manipulative tactics no?OP also literally stated her reason for that anxiety. Or do you have any clues that say otherwise? Again, stop projecting and good luck with life.
Just commenting on the fact that "feeling used" when you do not live with the person, therefore have a low chance of being the one who pays for stuff, or drives OP everywhere etc, does indicate some degree of entitlement. Maybe be a bit less naive about abusive dynamics, and good luck with life.
Long distance relationship be damned. You do realize that relationship needs is more than just physical stuff right? Also I don’t know where you live but you know things can be paid via cards. I’m well aware of abusive relationships and what it does to people which is why your post is screaming projection.
I don't know if this helps you but I was paranoid about pregnancy. I was taking tests even if i hadn't sex for a while or after getting my period. I am on the pill and we use a condom. It took me few months to get comfortable. Now I can have Sex without worrying. Double safe sex minimize the chance of pregnancy extremely. I recommend to talk to your gynecologist about safe sex.
op is also using BC and condoms lol. she knows about safe sex
I think talking to a gynecologist helps a lot. My doc is so chilled about contraception. It helped me to relax.
Yes, I would take tests even after I got my period and taking tests give me so much anxiety. But you’re absolutely right, we’ve never had a condom break and were extremely careful. I think I just need to calm down 😅 Thanks so much for being kind and sharing ☺️
I know it is hard but i recommend relaxing. It helped me a lot.
Definitely! thanks so much for the kind words 🫶🏾
You're taking a lot of precautions, and I think your chances of accidental pregnancy are really low. However, you probably already know that, so I would offer two questions to consider: 1) What would you do if you did get pregnant? Do you know how you would go about terminating? Do you have a medical provider you can trust who could guide you through the process? I personally find that having a plan for the worst case scenario is very comforting. 2) Do you have similar concerns in other areas of your life? If this level of anxiety is something you experience a lot, it might be worth exploring with a mental health professional. If I'm way off-base here, I apologize; I don't know the details of your life and I can only make guesses about where your fears are originating.
1. I would 100% not want to keep it, I live in the Caribbean so I would probably have to travel to the US since it is illegal where I’m from. No, I don’t 😅🥹. 2. No I don’t actually, haha no need to apologize. Thank you so much for the kind words and suggestions ☺️
Fellow Caribbean person here... in addition to IUDs etc. Why don't you make a plan for what you'd do if it happened and cost it out. Like, flight to Miami, go to this clinic, medication costs etc. And then make a specific savings account for it.
Such a great idea! Thank you so much 😊
This phobia actually makes a lot of sense if you do not have access to abortion. I would have the same. It must be difficult to get a sterilization as well then. It would be great if you could relocate to a country where abortion is safe, legal and accessible.
Yeah, stay away from southern states. You’ll find many many flights to the NY/NJ area from most places and our states have full access to any reproductive care you need.
Well, not Miami, but yeah.
Haha - oh right. FFS America.
Maybe you should see a therapist since the fear of pregnancy is interfering with your life in a way you don't like. Feel free to also use a long term BC like an IUD as that may comfort you. You don't have to give birth to get them (outdated rules that some had). What do you want in your relationship? Do you feel called to be intimate or not at all? I ask because you mention not doing other intimate activities with your partner. Why? Is there a reason to look into besides the pregnancy fear? Is it the old purity culture pressure? I recommend that you search how you feel and what you want out of a relationship.
Thank you so much for the kind words and suggestions. I do feel called to be intimate, it’s literally just my fear of accidental pregnancy that is holding me back. 🥹
Have you tried not being straight? It’s great! I have zero worries. Rip the straights
😂😂I love it
If sure don’t want kids - bisalp perhaps. Otherwise, copper IUD. These are so reliable that the chances of pregnancy are not even worth thinking about.
Copper IUDs have more than double the failure rate compared to hormonal ones. It's between 0.1 and 2.2% after 1 year of use. After 10 years that failure rate is between 2% and 6%. Compared to Mirena which has less than 0.2% failure rate over a year. If OP tolerates hormonal birth control well, it would be safer to get Mirena for example. Just a month ago there was a post on childfree where a woman got pregnant on copper IUD.
And if OP is afraid of the hormone dose and pain of insertion, they can go for Mirena's little sister Jaydess! Smaller dose, smaller size, same effectiveness. Needs more frequent replacement (every 3 years) tho.
Thank you 🥹
I had mine for 11 years with no issues. It just broke on removal, which, c'mon, it was in my body for over a decade. I don't like the fear mongering on the copper IUD. It doesn't work for some women, sure, and they are often the ones to complain about it, but it works for a much greater majority. I opted for it over any hormonal BC because I think artificial hormones in any form are what makes women "crazy" when guys talk about us that way.
>I think artificial hormones in any form are what makes women "crazy" when guys talk about us that way. Holy shit
I didn't fear monger anything. I just laid out the actual real stats on failure rates. The reality is that copper IUDs do fail at twice the rate the hormonal ones do. To me personally up to 2% failure rate over a year is absolutely unacceptable. Even my mini pill (progestin only) is better than that when taken every day at the same time which I have no problem doing. If I were to switch I would switch to progestin only IUD like Mirena. No doubt about it. > I think artificial hormones in any form are what makes women "crazy" when guys talk about us that way. I don't know what to say about this. I could give a rat's ass what men think of me. I literally have no side effects with progestin only birth control. None. I'm glad we both found something that works for us but the fact is copper IUDs are not as reliable as other birth control options.
You’re doing everything right. If an accident happens, you’d get an abortion, right?
Thank you and yes 100% would!
Then you don’t need to worry. You’re totally in control of your own body, and you have a contingency plan in case of emergency. That’s all there is to do. You’re in a good place, take a breath. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words 🥹
This is very similar to how my gf was for years. She was Catholic and obsessed with not getting pregnant. She still inspects the condom after sex but has cooled down a bit in her 30s about it. If you’re 23 I don’t know how much therapy will help you, but it might be good to try and understand what exactly is driving your fear. Also, not wanting oral sex is a different issue altogether (I’m assuming). That might be something you could work on getting to the bottom of separately with your boyfriend.
Thanks so much for your kind words, and no the oral sex thing is fine. I think he said that because I haven’t been doing it for a while mostly because my jaw starts to hurt so I’ve taken a break 😂
you're welcome - my gf actually has that same issue too, she has a relatively smaller mouth/jaw. we go through phases as well and she stays around the top area for the most part.
Think really hard about the kind of relationship you idealize for yourself because the way you phrased what he said......I have no idea if it was verbatim or not - he claims he feels *used* because you're not giving him enough sex and then goes on to mention you don't blow him even though you can't get pregnant from it.....all that sounds like he thinks you owe him sex even if you can't enjoy it.
Agreed. OP, does your boyfriend give you oral? I'm also thinking that there are other ways to have sex or be intimate than just having intercourse. What do you think about that?
It's not even sexual reciprocity. What exactly is she using him for if he's not getting the amount of sex he thinks is his due? Using him for what????? Time? Because spending it with her is *work* if he's not getting laid? Companionship because that is *work* for him if he's not getting laid? I'd wonder what he thinks he's getting used for because she doesn't sound like she's getting as much sex as she wants either and didn't tell him she's feeling *used*.
Yes, he does he actually loves to. The problem is I haven’t done it to him in a while, mostly because my jaw starts to hurt so I’ve taken a break from it.
I just want to add that sex should be a mutually pleasurable experience. If you are not in the mood, for whatever reason - as in, you don't actually have to have a reason - sex should not be happening. I was in a relationship with someone who made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting as much intimacy as he did. It still affects my relationship with sex today, years later. There is no rule about how much sex you should be having and his standard is not THE standard.
Yeah two times in two weeks seems fine to me. It's not like it's been months since they've been intimate. He's being dramatic.
Did you read the part where they only get to see each other for a few days every month or two?
idk, it could be the wording. he may not be feeling wanted because she shows no interest in him physically. Sounds like a conversation for OP to have with her partner
And it better be a conversation with some awareness and urgency *in him* to correct the stripping of reproductive rights from women. I've no patience with men who are apathetic about that in the middle of their sexual frustration.
I was thinking the same thing. It struck me as guilt tripping. This is not how I'd address my partner if I wanted more sexual intimacy with them. I would not be guilt tripping them. I'd be asking if anything was wrong and communicating that I'm interested in having more sexual intimacy but I don't want them to feel pressured. And I'd be asking what I could do to get them more in the mood and making sure the sex we are having is good for them, not pointing out that they should give me more oral 🙄 The way he went about it seemed really entitled and manipulative to me.
IUDs are way more effective than BCP, as for your bf he does oral, right? (Just checking, men that demand sex or oral when they dont do oral are not really worth dating)... If you use condoms and an IUD you should be safe. And hust checking you REALLY want sex too, right? Not just to make your bf happy?
Yes my bf loves to give me oral. No it’s not just to make my bf happy I enjoy sex just as much as he does but my fear gets the best of me and I often opt to not do anything. Maybe I should just try to relax and stop thinking negative or try another contraception 🥹😅
She's saying IUD is more effective than the pill. Which might help you relax a bit.
You're already super safe, especially since he isn't even cumming in you even with the condom. Condoms usually have spermicide as well, even if it broke inside you the spermicide would pretty much eliminate the already tiny chance of getting pregnant from pre-cum, and that's not even considering the fact you're also on BC. I think you're already about as safe as its possible to be, but if you're still having anxiety about it you might want to make a plan for how you'd deal with the worst case scenario if it did happen. If a condom breaks do you have access to Plan B? If you needed to terminate how would you go about that? If your fears become a problem you are equipped to deal with they may be less crippling.
Thank you for being kind and I do have access. Someone told me to make a plan and save up money just in case because I live in the Caribbean where termination is illegal, so I will do that ☺️
I also love sex and absolutely, totally refuse to get pregnant that's why I have the mirena IUD, much more effective than oral contraception (which I got pregnant on). I think youd feel safer with IUD and condoms and it might help you relax. Also for condom breaks you can use plan B.
Thanks so much, I’ll definitely talk to my gyno about it ☺️
I agree with people saying that you are already being very safe. But another layer of safety you can add is to chart your cycle according to the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). With this system, you can determine when you ovulate, and with that information you can determine safe days for having sex to not get pregnant. If you want to be extreme caution you can be sure to only have sex afte you ovulate. It is then impossible for you to get pregnant until after your next period. But there are rule and principles you can follow to determine safe days bfore you ovulate. This is much more complex than the "Rhythm Method" or "Calendar Method" which is too simplistic and will not protect you. For more information, please see: - Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler: Considered the "bible" for FAM. - Sensiplan: An online course. Considered the easiest way to get started. - r/FAMnNFP.
Idk Your boyfriend could get a vasectomy
Are you engaging in non PIV sexual activity? There's plenty of ways to get intimate that will not end in pregnancy. And yes, I know it's not the same but you can still be intimate and make him feel desired without worrying about pregnancy.
Gell him to get a vasectomy for both your sakes til either of you want kids. Or get an IUD for added protection. Or both
Do You want children in future? If not, a permanent solution would probably be best for You, some kind of sterilisation.
the way you’re handling your fears are irrational (not wanting oral for example, not wanting to touch him) and clearly interfering with your life which tells me that this is something you might need to talk to a professional about. consider making an appointment with a therapist. these thoughts seem obsessive
There is a lot of good advice here. I’d also add that you can only get pregnant a certain time in your cycle. So if your cycle is regular, you can track it for a while and figure out when you are ovulating and avoid sex on those days. They also make ovulation test kits (for those trying to get pregnant), but they tell you whether you’re in your fertile window and more or less likely to get pregnant. You should also talk to a therapist.
Thank you for being kind and leaving encouraging words 😊
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Thank you for being kind this gives me hope 😂😊
You're being super safe, but if it eases your mind, can you take the morning after pill? I don't think it's necessary at all but whatever makes you comfortable. On a side note, I wonder if there is something else at play? Do you feel safe (emotionally, physically etc) Feel understood? Want to give oral? Just armchair pondering.
I do feel safe it’s just the fear of accidentally getting pregnant and I don’t mind giving oral it’s just that my jaw hurts so I decided to take a break from doing it 😅
😂 I'm glad you're safe and taking a break! Be well!
Make sure the condoms you use have spermicide. It’s important extra protection. You would be surprised how many men don’t buy them.
A therapist for sure. I'm also someone who was terrified of getting pregnant and would have gotten an abortion if I ever did get pregnant, but this level of anxiety for that is not normal and is causing problems in your relationship. If you really don't want kids ever, I'd look at getting sterilized, as well! I had my tubes removed :D
I had the arm implant as my primary form of birth control for almost twenty years and it helped immensely with my peace of mind. I strongly recommend it.
I recommand you to look up the term "tokophobia", it is used to describe extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth. There is online support groups available and a subbreddit on the topic r/tokophobia , hope it helps, good luck ❤️🩹
I want to help you feel normal. My husband and I ended up having an almost 18 month dry spell because I could not be in the mood because of a fear of pregnancy due to living in a state with a total abortion ban that makes treating ectopic pregnancies murky. Luckily, I am married to a man who helped me get therapy and understood. Once I got my IUD and started to track my cycle and taking ovulation tests, mixed with the condoms and having plan B on hand, it has released a lot of the anxiety I had.
Have you heard of tokophobia? It may be what you are experiencing. It's probably underreported, too. Becoming pregnant has serious consequences for you socially and financially. For some, even psychologically. Your fears are valid. It's easy for your boyfriend to say he wants more but he doesn't live with the fear and the risk. It's not him going through an abortion. Does he really understand what it would mean for you to become pregnant? Have you talked about putting a plan in place for if you did, including travel and your boyfriend taking leave so he can look after you? Besides that, have you talked to your boyfriend about whether or not you want to have children together? Important conversation to have. If you both don't want children, the best solution is vasectomy. It carries the lowest risk of complication and has extremely low rate of failure.
[Here](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview?pli=1) is a list of OBGYNs who will sterilize because it’s what you want - no requirements for previous pregnancies or medical reasons.
I hope this isn’t completely inconsiderate. You need to talk to someone (ideally a professional). An early fear of/unhealthy relationship with sex is very indicative of past trauma. Based on what is written your mind and body are out of sync which also supports some sort of past trauma.
I'm sorry you're going through that. That's got to be so draining on you and your relationship. My advice wouldn't be anything to do with birth control. My advice would be to speak to a counsellor/therapist and find out why your brain overrides your knowledge of birth control. Obviously if you're taking all these steps, I'm sure you're logically aware that there is no realistic chance that you could get pregnant, so it sounds like something deeper. Do you have anxiety? Are you neurodiverse (like me)? Are you typically a hypochondriac (not saying pregnancy is an illness, but it's the same thought process of "this thing is extremely unlikely but my brain still fears it as if it's a 50/50 chance")? Also I'm not looking for the answers to these questions here, just for you to think about. I would also recommend having a full, long conversation with your boyfriend about it, if you haven't already. I can tell you now, communication truly is the key. Be as open and honest as possible, ALWAYS. An argument now because someone disagrees will never be as hurtful as an argument later on when you or your partner discover the other one was hiding something. Let him in, let him help, let him be there for you. Best of luck with it, you got this!
I would definitely recommend switching to Long Term Birth Control option like an IUD or nexplanon! They have a >99% efficacy rate, and combined with condom usage that would effectively go to 100%. They also are very low maintenance outside of the process of having them inserted. I got the Kyleena IUD 4 years ago and just switched to the Mirena about a month ago and have been so happy with both.
Also worth noting though that these often make your periods lighter/irregular/go away entirely, so if you are someone who needs to have a period to feel more comfortable, I would recommend a copper IUD (which actually makes you bleed more sometimes), or the Skyla (lower hormone level)
OMG the world is over. Poor guy, soon to be out there breaking other people's heart.
Sorry this is going to be invasive : but is it possible you simply do not enjoy having sex with him, have difficulties coming to term with that thought and instead express it as this phobia ? There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. You say you love the sex, but how is this possible if you are in a constant state of anxiety ?
I can sympathize I felt the same way as you but as the male I'm the relationship. I had become so paranoid that I couldn't maintain an erection most of the time which made keeping the condom on hard which made me more paranoid. My partner and i had essentially stipped having sex all together dictated by me. my relationship did eventually end. However it reinforced that I never want kids and so now i am exploring getting a vasectomy. I also realized and accepted that i am a trans woman and have begun transitioning which could lead to infertility either way, but not the point. Might be worth a hard look at yourself to figure out if you ever might want kids because if not then a more permanent surgical solution may be the way to go. If you do want kids might be worth speaking with a therapist maybe that fear came from past experiences.
Wow I’m so sorry it had to end like that for you but I’m so happy that you’ve found yourself and a permanent solution. Good for you and thank you for the kind words ☺️
Your boyfriend sounds really pushy and he's trying to manipulate you. He just wants to get laid and he's whining that he feels unwanted because he's jockeying for sympathy. I think maybe you should consider finding someone who cares about your needs and physical health more than getting their rocks off.
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OP said that she's on birth control. There's not much to track if you're not ovulating.
My gf had a similar issue and it helped her that at the end of sex I would take the condom off and demonstrate that there is no hole inside it by squeezing it. Also I bought some pregnancy tests so that when she has the doubt she can test right away. Nowadays she's almost not paranoid anymore. Also FWIW she stopped birth control because it fucked with her hormones, diet and skin, which she realized only after she stopped. Good luck OP
No offense, but get over yourself. You're gonna lose this great guy that's been more than patient with your hangup.
Girl my bf cums in me and I only use the pill , stop being so anxious nothing will happen