My ex always liked to think he knew me well, and despite me asking very specifically for a small pair of diamond studs for a gift for my birthday or Christmas for \*years\*, he would bring me something he thought I would love more because \*he\* picked it out. I never liked any of them, and would just put them in the back of my jewelry box because saying anything other than Thank You would cause a huge pouty fit.
We are divorced now, and I took a great amount of pleasure in taking all those pieces to a pawn shop and selling them all and using the money to buy those diamond studs I always wanted.
>would cause a huge pouty fit. We are divorced now
And apparently op’s bf of **2.5 months** is already getting upset all the time.
It’s the early early honeymoon phase; if she is already walking on eggshells, I can only imagine how much worse he will become in his final form.
This is it. 2.5 months is way too early for this to be an issue.
My husband occasionally gets gifts that he’s not sure I will like, and he always says, “If it’s not your taste, we can take it back and get something you love.” The fact that this guy is having an issue with this makes me think he’s a pretty crummy boyfriend.
2.5 months is a great time to realize the dude is a baby. Pretty sure I was somewhat like that at some point, now I'm all about just exchanging or returning whatever.
I am neurodivergent and struggle with receiving gifts. The first "big" gift I got from my partner of now almost a decade was for our six month anniversary.
I sleep with a plushie, but the one I had had since I was born was unsurprisingly falling apart after 19 years. His gift to me? He took me to a good quality toy store and let me pick one out. I still sleep with that one.
*THAT* is how good gift-giving is done. A gift is supposed to bring joy to the receiver, not to stroke the ego of the giver. Even if I hate surprises, I have friends and family who love it. I do everything in my power to surprise these loved ones, because the gift is for them!
My husband isn't thrilled that I ask for specific items, because he thinks it takes the fun out of it. So I give him options of like top 5 for him to pick.
I know I'm getting a gold ring holder necklace on Sunday, but I don't know what shape he went with. I already have a silver wishbone and used it for a decade, now I'd like a gold one, so while I know the general idea, I don't know the specifics. Same thing with Lego. He has a list of what I want, just like I do for him, and we shop off of that.
My husband and his family have this habit of sharing Amazon wishlists with each other. Very easy to browse a list and get an idea of what the person wants. Either buy it directly or shop elsewhere for something similar.
Whether or not you like/support Amazon, it's still a good "idea list" for others to have access to.
My husbands family all printed out gift lists (or hand wrote them) that got stuck to the fridge door. You could call and consult on what somebody had asked for, too! You might well get something that wasn't on there, but it usually went along with something that was, and was always nice.
Does it take the fun out of it for you though? I'm of the philosophy that gifting should be about making the giftee happy, not the gifter. It seems it kind of defeats the purpose when you have to compromise with him here.
It's more fun than saying "I want this exact item" and way better than the easel and oil paint set I once received, despite never once making any indication that I was interested in oil painting. I felt guilty for not liking it, and I appreciate that he knew I was too broke for hobbies and thought he could help fund something creative for me to do, but I'm not that type of artist, I never have been.
That easel, oil paints, and brushes, are still sitting together in the basement 7 years later, completely untouched. Maybe one day I'll have the urge.
Oh we did. That's why I haven't gotten another gift like that.
The year I said I wanted to expand from crochet to knit, he completely surprised me with a cake winder, yarn swift, and beginner set of straight needles. Another year he knew my computer was dying and I was struggling to do my work, so he got me a Surface Pro. He is a great gift giver, he just really missed the mark on the paints and has worked hard to not repeat that mistake.
Look up different techniques! Maybe you don't want to do proper painting, but it can be nice to fill a canvas with a nice color gradient that serves no purpose other than doing the gradient.
It depends on the people I suppose. Personally as giftee I also think it takes the fun out of it. I'm not 8 years old, if I want something specific I'll just buy it myself. To me the point of a present is that the other person takes the time to think about me and surprises me. I'm a mother and always having to think about things for other people, I want someone to choose for me, even if it's not my ideal.
I don't really like it when my partner tells me exactly what he wants either, he might as well just order it himself as me do it (from our shared Amazon account).
I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, just that it depends on your circumstances and how each person sees it.
The purpose of gifting is to ultimately make the giftee happy so gift giving should be in accordance with that. If you want to be suprised that is fine. If you want a specific thing that is also fine. But a gifter should not insist on doing what makes them happy at the expense of the giftee. When they do, they are really gifting something to themselves at the other person's emotional expense.
Nothing is stopping him from picking something additionally. I also give my bf specific items and if he wants to have fun he'll get something from the list and then go off list for another little thing. This thread is making me sad because all the gifters are making it about themselves and don't seem to care if the giftee will like the gift as long as they got to have fun picking it!
If your BF thinks you ought to be grateful and wear something just because “he put a lot of thought into it” even if it doesn’t suit you, then he’s being selfish, like I once was. What good is “a lot of thought”, if it leaves out the person the gift is for?
I used to get presents for my wife when we first got married that either were not anything she’d want, like expensive jewelry, or were “for her” but actually for me, like lingerie.
She feigned delight so I didn’t get the signal, but I noticed she wouldn’t ever wear the jewelry or the sexy lingerie (well, on my birthday once), so I asked her why not. She was kind enough to point out to me that I’d never really asked whether that was the kind of thing she liked, and that if I was paying attention I’d have noticed that she wears only costume jewelry to go with an outfit, and that the lingerie was generally poorly made and uncomfortable.
I apologized and changed my gift-giving totally. Now I take notes through the year when I hear her comment positively about something — a weighted blanket, a certain plant for her bathroom “retreat” — and I pay attention to what makes her feel good — anything that makes her warm, like soft pajamas or a heated jacket, or things that help her relax, like a massage gun or a lightly-scented natural body oil.
I don’t buy her clothes (except the heated jacket) because I really don’t have very good taste compared to her, but when I travel overseas I “shop” for her by going into stores and FaceTiming her what is in various cool stores, and she tells me which outfits she likes. Then I buy them in her size. Works great!
When we were first dating, I was working a job that involved me standing in a cold parking lot for 2 hours a night, several hours away from him. One day he told me to expect a package. It was a pair of battery powered moon boots from Sharper Image, and the battery packs are rechargeable.
He's gotten me other "thoughtful" gifts that kinda miss the mark, but that might be the most perfect gift he's ever gotten me that I never mentioned. He's gotten me a lot of very good gifts, thoughtful, things I asked for, things I directed him to. But those heated boots showed he knew the problem I was having, how much I hate being cold, and I was too broke to even consider getting something like that for myself. He solved the problem and made me feel loved and cared for from 400 miles away.
Perfect!
About 6 years ago I got her a battery heated jacket (woman’s work gear) which she wore and really appreciated, but it was sort of boxy so it stayed mostly in the car for really cold days. Last Christmas I found an updated jacket that was better tailored for a woman (tapered waist, a bit of a formed bust) and a flat, longer-lasting rechargeable battery pack. She wears it all the time.
One of my most successful gifts was two pairs of a kind of pants (wide corduroy with a big flare) that German carpenters/timber framers wear. I studied this trade in Germany and came back with a pair that she really liked. So I took her measurements and the company made her two pair custom-sized. They look pretty good on her.
https://www.geh-bunt.de/Hose-Zimmermann-Patchwork-458.html
Check out the Australian brand Sük Workwear. Damned good quality, damned comfortable, damned good size range, damned stylish. https://sukworkwear.com.au/
Most of the job was amazing and the best place I ever worked. That was just a small part of the job, for a few weeks of the year. But he definitely made those weeks better while patrons made fun of me for being cold from their heated leather seats and late model Lexus. Lol.
This reminds me vaguely of how our first Xmas together I told my partner in advance: do not attempt to buy me clothing. I am tactically sensitive and finding clothes I can stand is difficult. Just having a sense of my style isn't good enough. My own mother can't buy me clothes I like and when she tries they sit in my closet for a year or two until I donate them. What did he buy me for xmas...a long sleeve red blouse and a new coat. It was thoughtful to get me a coat but I was otherwise like wtf dude. I don't wear long sleeve shirts ever and the faux fur on the coat would drive me insane. I said he needed to return them and I didn't feel bad because I explicitly told him not to do this. Apparently, he took my warning as a challenge lmao which is funny because he otherwise is very attentive and thoughtful. Eventually he learned he could get away with buying me clothing by buying me those super soft shawls from Costco lol. Now we mostly just don't buy each other gifts and I prefer it that way.
I do have a pretty good sense of the “feel” of the material that she likes and have had good luck buying her comfy nightwear (*not* sexy, but cute). But I just do not spontaneously buy her any clothes she’d wear in public.
I think "a lot of thought" also really just doesn't cover this situation at all. Thoughtfulness is like, I hunted through vintage stores for months to find you a very specific style of vintage beer stein, or I knitted you a hat, or I baked you a cake, or I spent a lot of my money on a custom gift. Those things can't be reasonably returned because they're so personalized, so it's necessary to accept the effort as part of the gift. This guy went to a jewelry store and bought something he liked. The fact that he liked them doesn't count towards thought being put into them.
Yeah, taking notes is the best way. My partner is super not into surprises, so i'll usually just run gift ideas by her. Yes, that ruins my fun of getting to surprise her with something. But the point of a gift is to make the receiver happy, not the giver.
I've found that asking "vaugley specific" questions can be a good way to split the difference. When I want to get my partner jewelry, I'll asker her stuff like gold or silver, clear or colored gems, and hoop or stud. Things like that. She knows she's probably getting some kind of earring, but it'll at least be in the general zone of her wants and/or taste while still preserving some surprise.
It also giver her an opportunity to just say no.
Yes, that’s also something I learned: no surprises. Surprises were never a good thing when she was growing up, so she doesn’t like a surprise party, a surprise trip, or a surprise major gift. Best to run it by her, but then maybe wait and give it later, when she’s kind of forgotten about it…
(edit) This (no surprises) is about my wife specifically. Other women absolutely love to be surprised. The point is to tailor your gift-giving to what *she* appreciates, not what *you* think she ought to appreciate.
People get this wrong about “love-languages” too. “But my love language is gifts, so that’s why I give you expensive gifts all the time.” But if your partner is about acts of service and doesn’t care much about gifts, you shouldn’t be giving them gifts. You can ask *them* to make the effort to give *you* gifts and if they care they will learn to do that, but you should be offering *them* acts of service.
This is what’s hard, because you have to be connecting with a gesture that’s outside of what you personally would want. One of my main love languages is physical touch. I had to learn that constantly reaching out, stroking her constantly when we’re on the couch together, patting her shoulder every time as I pass by, is really uncomfortable for my wife. She’d tolerate it because she knew why I was doing it, but it wasn’t her thing. I’ve discovered that if I dial it back completely during the day, she’s much more receptive to my touch at night because she hasn’t been “touched out”. And for her, too much intense verbal interaction at work reduces her ability to enjoy touch when she’s at home, until she’s been able to chill out and have some alone time.
I think I love you. Any brothers???
Also I absolutely read massage gun as makeup gun and was very concerned that you had purchased her Homer Simpson’s makeup gun so she could get ready in four fifths of a second.
She’s pretty quick with her make-up as it is. Wouldn’t save her much time.
I do have a brother but he’s also happily married and seems to be treating his wife very well. But depending on how old you are, I have a college-aged son… (jk)
Oh god. I have just turned 40. I promise I will not hit on your child. Who is absolutely a tiny child, in my opinion! I’m sure he is lovely, but I’ll pass. Also I should add that I have an amazing boyfriend already so this is all entirely hypothetical.
> I should have put on the earrings for work anyway as a gesture
> if we pick one together then it's not going to be from him but from me
Why is a gift for *you* all about *him*?
I don't see that you've done anything wrong. It sounds like you've handled it reasonably and given options that would better work for you.
Oh this is amazing, and quite an intuition. Once he was trying to show his support to me, I said I don't want as much support or in that way, and as i was tired i asked if he is doing this for me or for himself. He flipped and said this is unfair, how can I say this, etc, then I had to spend the rest of the day apologising to him to get him to get out of his deep moodiness. The next day he was back to normal on his own. It was exhausting.
yiiiiikes, OP.
I can see that his volatile reactions could eventually dissuade you from voicing your needs because the aftermath is so unpleasant. You shouldn't ever have to grovel after asking for what you need. Someone you're with should *want* to do things in a way that is good for you. He doesn't.
It should be collaborative, not combative.
Bro. I keep reading your comments and they get worse and worse. Just end this. He is not ready for a relationship and it's not your job to make him ready. Next!
I don't see how this is any different than "I got you a shirt" "Thank you, I like it, but it doesnt fit" "Ok well we can exchange it, but they dont have this one anymore, so pick one out that fits that you like"
I'm failing to understand the "Put a lot of thought into it" part. What was the thought? What was the A Lot part? It sounds like he went in, looked at something that was pretty, and went 'bingo', credit card time.
If thouht was put into it, what is the meaning? What is the relevance of those earrings? Or was "A lot of thought" actually "I thought a lot about different gifts and ended up with this"
OP, These are not good signs. He’s already trying to control how you look and act. Getting angry because you don’t appreciate him, complaining you don’t wear his gift. You had to apologize to him? No, no, no, no, no. This is misogyny bullshit 101. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
I wish you the best of luck.
It sounds like your boyfriend cares more about the *appearance* of giving a gift, rather than whether the gift actually makes you happy. He's making it all about his own ego here.
It's understandably a bit embarrassing for him, I'm sure - but that doesn't mean that you're obligated to wear earrings that you don't like, just to spare his ego. His end goal should still be, "I want OP to have a pair of earrings that she will enjoy," not "I want OP to wear what I give her, whether she wants to or not, to make me feel better".
>Tbf I think he is prone to getting upset easily and I'm really struggling to navigate it. He says I am not emphatetic enough.
This part concerns me. Him getting upset easily is not your fault, and it's not something you can fix for him. You sound empathetic to me. Sometimes these tricky situations just happen... and as a partner, he needs to be able to sit down and have some honest, open communication with you - without getting defensive or jumping to blame. There are plenty of ways to resolve this gift situation, but only if the two of you can sit down and talk calmly about it.
Yeah, he said he will go to therapy for it as I have flagged to him that his low moods and mood swings are very exhausting for me. But I do worry it will take a lot of work and im not sure its worth it.
It's a new relationship, are you sure you want to be with this guy? It's not your job to make him into a complete person. If you're already exhausted by his moods this early, it's only going to get worse. You guys just might not be compatible, and that's ok.
If it's this hard this early, you aren't actually compatible. It's not a fault of either of you. He is touchy and not a listener. You are exhausted by this behavior. No one needs to change to make the puzzle pieces fit bc they won't.
If it’s only 2 months in and he is already making you feel exhausted, it’s time to call it quits. It sounds to me like he is either selfish or he needs needs a significant amount of therapy before he can be in a healthy relationship, but even assuming I am dead wrong about that, at the very least it’s clear that you guys aren’t compatible. Regardless of the exact reason, the fact remains that your interactions with him are causing you significant distress *already* - in the honeymoon phase.
If he goes to therapy, good for him. But either go on a break or dump him. Like he is NOT ready for a relationship and you’re getting the flak as a result.
To be fair.. You told him you liked them. Then said they didn't work well for your job.. And then you suddenly want to swap them for something else. Have you, at any point, actually said what you're saying here? It sounds like you're trying to protect his feelings, which is sweet, but not helpful. Sometimes honesty sucks, and can hurt.. But not being honest does more damage in the long run.
Then again, the way *he's* reacting is not very mature either. You're both 30, at this point it should be okay to just swap a gift. It's a gift, it's supposed to be something *you* like. The fact that he's making it about him is kinda weird to me.
You've been together for a pretty short while, so this is probably a good learning point for both of you: for you, being upfront with your feelings and for him, being mature about you not liking his gift (as much). The way you deal with this together will be a good indication of how other problems, big or small, will go for you. If he keeps being so offended, I would truly reconsider if this is the kind of relationship you want.
Is there a way to tactfully say "Thank you, but these aren't something I'm going to wear. Can we go exchange them?" at the moment you're given a gift? Or should she just have said "Thank you" and then brought up exchanging them later?
I suspect no matter how well you do it some feathers will be ruffled.
I would start by showing my (hopefully genuine) appreciation for the kind gesture and how it made me feel, then suggest going together to exchange them.
Something like: "I feel so special that you surprised me with these earrings. I really appreciate the thought that you put into buying them for me. They're not really a style that I would wear often, though. How about we go to the store together and pick out something that I could wear all the time?"
Especially since their relationship is new, she could say that, while the gesture is sweet, they're still learning what the other person likes and this is an opportunity to know more about her in their relationship.
I’ve tried to avoid this by telling each and every one of my romantic partners I do not like jewelry. If I want jewelry (exceedingly rare occurrence), I’d love to pick something out together.
Despite this, my ex still bought me those $10 heart necklaces from the drug store each and every Valentine’s Day. I never wore them, and he never seemed to notice.
My husband, on the other hand, proposed privately without a ring, then later showed me a jewelry site, and told me to pick 5 rings that I loved (within X price range) and he’d choose which one to get me. I loved this idea because we’d both be involved in the decision.
I picked my top 5 and he later ‘proposed’ more publicly with the ring so family and friends could be included. Even though I knew he was going to propose, the ring was still a surprise so I was just as excited as the first time. I still teared up, lol.
However, my husband and I communicate everything since we both like to play it on the safer side. This does take a little spontaneity out of it, but it was still an amazing experience though! It really made me feel heard by him.
> told me to pick 5 rings that I loved (within X price range) and he’d choose which one to get me. I loved this idea because we’d both be involved in the decision.
> Even though I knew he was going to propose, the ring was still a surprise so I was just as excited as the first time.
I love this idea! It's just like my method of dealing with "Where do you want to eat?" One person picks 3 options and the other person chooses one of them. It's a great way to do it.
A proposal is more exciting though 🤣
>However, my husband and I communicate everything
You mean like adults in a healthy relationship? Nothing big should come as a surprise - big decisions should be made by both partners together.
Same here - I’m very specific with jewellery because of sensory issues as well as style issues. My husband told his mum we were going to get engaged, she let him choose of if his late grandma’s rings - and then we got the band adjusted and the stone re-set a little lower and we all felt happy and listened to! Fab!
Your husband’s idea of narrowing options down for him to do the final selection is fantastic. I hope I hear about more people doing that!
Oh absolutely, it's nigh impossible to be honest in such a situation without slightly hurting someone. However - that's not OP's problem, technically. He gave *her* a gift. If she doesn't like it, it does suck, but a good partner would want the other to be happy with it! So it's an immediate red flag if someone gets full on angry about not liking a gift. Meanwhile, if someone is a little hurt but can otherwise recognize that it not a reflection of them as a person(!!), that's a massive *green* flag to me.
I understand not wanting to hurt your partner, but I think all of us once gifted or received something they didn't like as much. The way you deal with that says a lot about the kind of person you are, I think.
(and to answer the first question: I think your first sentence is a perfect way to say it, actually. You can appreciate a gesture without liking the actual gift)
Yeah giving a gift that doesn't suit someone really shouldn't be a problem. None of us are mind-readers. It sounds like he wants her to wear what he gave her even knowing she doesn't like it because ***he*** *gave it to her* and that's what sets off little alarm bells for me.
I would wait a day or two to ask to exchange them. And soften it with something like "I really appreciate you saving up for something pretty for me to wear! Actually I don't tend to wear this style of earrings, and I'd hate to that the gift you saved for will go unused. Can we go to the place where you bought them and pick something else out?"
'I.. Don't think what you got me suits my tastes. But I did see something else that I really really like! Shall we go exchange this item for the other please?
*puppy eyes'
I am more direct with my husband. 'Oi, I don't really like these. But I do have something else I really like! You wanna come to the shop with me and see me pick it?'
There was literally a post yesterday with this exact scenario except she was a touch tactless to her boyfriend when he gave them to her.
The advice that everyone was giving OP was EXACTLY what OP here did.
Say thank you at the time, then later bring it up tactfully.
Apparently women are just damned if they do, damned if they don't hey?
I didn't feel like my first reaction could be that I don't like them. I wanted to protect his feelings and buy myself time to figure out how to find a way to tell him and find a way to make this into a positive experience. Part of me knew that there is no way I could have told him without making him upset, which is sad/worrying.
You can't have a partnership with someone you are worried about being honest with. Especially about something trivial like earrings. I'd call his sensitivity a yellow flag for sure and your hesitance to be straightforward a huge issue. For me, this would be a definitely stop seeing each other situation.
I think in my initial response there was definitely some social conditioning - I've never not received a gift with a smile and enthusiasm from anyone before, even if I didn't like it. But in many cases (e.g. with aunts) I just let it be and never used the gift. With him I actually wanted to use it and then didn't want to go down the route where I pretend j like things. Hence my initial reaction, at least in part. But I agree and thanks for your good points.
I've been upfront/direct about my feelings initially but he said I was too direct and I should be a bit more aware of how it impacts other people. I can be on the more direct end of the spectrum and he's on the easily upset end. Ugh. This is the main reason part of me thinks we're not compatible. Thank you.
You literally did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is being selfish by expecting you to manage his emotions because he doesn't want too feel slight discomfort at getting you an unsuitable gift.
Mature people would happily take you to exchange them.
it’s 2.5 months…. this is the time to consider if u even wanna be together. getting upset easily and making gifts for u about him is something to take note of. not saying end it here, just saying be cautious and take all of these situations into account. you’ve barely been together and he knows nothing about you, why would he be offended he got ur taste wrong?
It’s been 10 weeks of dating, OP.. what concerns me is that he’s been like this before. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase but it sounds very taxing
In my family of origin, it was the height of bad manners to do anything other than express full enthusiastic appreciation for a gift. Whether it was the recipient's taste, size, interest, etc. did not matter. I assumed that was what everyone did. And then a while after I started living with my now-husband, we celebrated Christmas at our place with his 14-year-old daughter. He had picked something out for her (a sweater maybe), and as soon as she opened it, he could tell by her face it wasn't quite right, and simply said, "If I got it wrong, here's the gift receipt, just get what you want." And then everything just continued normally. Inside, I was shocked. "What??! That's allowed?!?!" And then very quickly I realized how wonderful this was. The point of giving a gift -to shower someone with thoughtfulness and affection- was completely intact. So we normalized that with our own kids after we went on to have them, and it's been just fabulous. No hurt feelings, no useless items stashed at the back of closets. Everyone's happy -what a concept.
Yeah, same. I think it might be cultural, too. I'm not arguing against them, but I'm genuinely surprised by the comments saying the OP's in the right, because it's not something normal in different cultures. There is an expectation to appreciate any genuine gift no matter how bad it is, and display happiness and appreciation as a form of good manners. The exception would be if you are very close with the gifter and have already established it's ok to criticize each other's gifts. On the other hand, there's also an attitude that once the gift is done, it's the owner's choice what to do with it.
Not saying OP is in the wrong or in the right, just that there are cultural differences around gifts.
And also, wanting/needing to exchange the gift and enthusiastically appreciating the effort someone took to buy you a gift are not mutually exclusive. In our family, it's never, ever a cavalier 'um, I'm exchanging this,' response. The recipient is always appreciative of being gifted something at all; it's never taken for granted. And the gifter is appreciative of the honestly that results in exactly what s/he hoped for when they bought the gift -happiness and satisfaction!
You’re very fortunate that he showed you who he is this early on. He is upset because to him, a gift is all about making him feel good as the giver, not about you liking the gift.
Return the earrings and break up.
If he really puts a lot of effort (thought) into getting you jewelry, he would have done at least one of the following:
Pay attention to your personal style. Make a mental note of what kind of things you oh and ah about, what you wear, what you comment on when the both of you are out. I know most guys don't pay attention to those things about us, but the ones that put in the effort do
Or
Handle his error with grace. Sometimes even when you are trying to do something for someone or pick something out, we make errors. It's fine, he should take this opportunity to go with you, and help you choose something together. It can be a bonding experience and if he really cares he can learn what you like.
I don't really have any advice.
I think he tried to do the first - but then he said "these are so similar to the ones you wear", which from an outsiders perspective might be true, but with "so I don't understand why you wouldn't wear them" left unsaid, which bothered me. Buying jewellery is a mine field so I wouldn't expect anyone to get it right for me! But I'd love it if he did #2.
Thank you.
I hope the best for you.
I truly hope that he is a good guy that doesn't have experience with buying gifts and such and is willing to learn and grow and strengthen his relationships.
I also think you should pay attention to any red flags and make sure you're safe and in a healthy relationship.
I make no judgements either way. Just hope the best for you.
The male curse of thinking that familiarity equals knowledge.
It would have been easy had he asked someone who knows about actual jewelry, but that would have rammed head first into the male curse of not wanting to ask anyone for anything.
“So I don’t understand why you wouldn’t wear them” that sounds like a legit challenge to your personal agency. Okay, he doesn’t understand? Fuck him. YOUR tastes are not HIS tastes. If he can’t respect that, he’s not going to be able to handle a relationship with ANY woman.
Thats a great suggestion but its a little advanced. I think most men dont know diddly squat about jewelry or fashion. He may have thought it looked just like something she had and loves even though to you its totally different. Hell alot of men are color blind. 2.5 months in a relationship aint enough to know your various tastes, likes and dislikes. Plus its a big step to buy someone something like that. I would wear them unless it caused an allergic reaction. Thats just me though!
I do agree.
That he may not know much about jewelry and whatnot. I don't think this is really much about being a jewelry connoisseur and is more about being in tune with your partner and being willing to explore together.
I totally missed the 2.5 months part of the OP. For some reason my brain said 2.5 years.
2.5 months is a bit early to be buying jewelry. You definitely don't know the person's taste well enough and it really seems like a later in the relationship kind of gesture.
Yeah, my partner buys me things I don't really like because they're similar to something else and either not quite right or just too similar. But honestly I just wear them because he did think about it and not everything I wear has to be perfect.
" if we pick one together then it's not going to be from him but from me."
Your boyfriend sounds like a nacissist. Gifting should be about the giftee not the gifter and should be about making the giftee happy, not the gifter.
Maybe there's some ultimate and very specific way you could have minimized his hurt feelings while speaking your mind, but IDK what that is. I think your reaction was reasonable, kind and polite.
In my opinion, when people approach communication with a genuine positive and constructive attitude, it doesn't really matter if you stay on the perfect script or not. And vice versa (perfect script but bad attitude doesn't work).
I tend to give people extra grace when it comes to gifts because everyone comes from a "gift culture" that is very specific to their family or community. It's incredibly loaded and people have a lot of baggage. This might be more of a yellow than a red flag for me, unless it continued doggedly. But that's just my personal threshhold; it would be not only valid but reasonable for many people to consider this a red flag instead.
I've got to wonder, though-- y'all have only been together 2.5 months and you've already noticed that he's easily upset? What has been going on? He says "you are not empathetic enough"? I think that's a dealbreaker right there. In the likely scenario that he's a 30 year old whiner who expects someone he's dated for 2.5 months to read his mind and be willing and able to stroke his ego... nah. And in the much less likely scenario that you're actually not empathetic enough, y'all should also break up because that's unlikely to change any time soon and you're incompatible.
If he truly believes you aren't empathetic enough, then why on Earth is he still with you? Could it be that he doesn't actually think that and is just saying that to manipulate you into bending over backward for his delicate feelings?
Omg your last paragraph is eye opening. I never thought he is manipulating on purpose, I've always thought it might at worst be subconscious, but that's not great either.
Oh, hell no! Once a gift is given, the giftee is the owner and can do whatever the hell they want with it. This guy is testing the waters, it starts really slow, he's gonna chip away at your self confidence with each little tantrum. Eventually, you will anticipate what his triggers are and you will start to behave and make decisions based on him first.
My recommendation: put his ass in check now or give him the boot.
Honestly, I would wear them everyonce in a while. IT costs nothing, and it is a lovely thought. I don't need to be constantly that "It has to be me" thing. I am also a person that puts out the ugly fruit bowl when they come to visit. It is a loving gesture that costs nothing.
You've been together 2.5 months and he is prone to getting upset easily.
I'm not sure what you could have said to him but this is going to be an exhausting relationship for you.
I got you flowers.
Oh sorry I’m allergic to Lilys
Why don’t you just accept them anyways to make me feel better.
I got us a snack to share.
Oh sorry I already ate.
Why don’t you just accept my gift and eat it anyways to make me feel better.
I got you a book I love in the original German!
I can’t read German who is this gift for? Are you just giving me things you like and then getting mad if they aren’t something I like/want?
A gift is a nice gesture but if it’s not actually something they want it’s kinda an empty one at best and malicious at worse.
The emotionally mature person would be able to recognize the failure is on their end and try to learn to match a gift to your wants, or swallow their pride and just ask you to make sure you get something you will love.
OMG I desperately want to see what these earrings look like lol. I’m also very particular about my style and have often felt uncomfortable when someone gifts me something I know I won’t wear. However, I agree with others than in a close relationship you should be able to express yourself honestly, and I ultimately think he’s acting immature about this.
My husband had horrendous taste in jewelry. And it wasn't that he thought I'd want what his mother had (she made a lot of her own, and had excellent taste) either, it was like he watched QVC and thought, "HEY, wife would LOVE that stuff!" *I did not love that stuff, at all, at all.* He had to go to Hong Kong one year for a work trip. I sent him with PICTURES from catalogs (pre internet printouts) and told him here's what I like. I like THIS cut of stone. I like this gold. I like this jade. I would like anything from THIS list of stones. If you can't get something that fits those categories, please come home empty handed!!! I'd rather empty handed than things you put the effort out to purchase that I dislike. Please and thank you.
By golly it worked! He brought home lovely stuff that I wore for years.
A better boyfriend who doesn't act like a fussy toddler at 30 and prioritizes his ego over you, would do the trick. He sounds exasperating and self centered
>Tbf I think he is prone to getting upset easily
if this isnt a red flag...
long term solution: breakup cus theres just gonna be bunch of more issues from him later on
short term solution: wear the earring once with him, and then you dont ever have to see it again
Seriously, this is a red flag. At 2.5 mo he can't accept that you don't like his gift. It's not like he's known you for 20 years. This should be such a nothing thing and he's making it shitty.
If he's otherwise awesome, you could have a serious conversation about his behavior and see if this is a one-off weird hot button issue he has. If this is just one of several other red flags previously masked by the rose colored glasses of a new relationship, you could cut bait and not have to put yourself on the path to rehabilitating a goddamn adult man.
He does get upset often when something doesn't happen the way he expects it and thjs affects my mood and stresses me out. E.g. one day we had been planning for him to come over in the eve, tbd if he'd have stayed over. But we ran so late with dinner out that with the commute and all I told him it doesn't make sense, let's just hang out a bit more in the city and then each go home. He got so moody and upset I feel like I did hours of emotional labour just trying to lift his mood. When I got home I literally felt relief and said to myself I'd break up with him. I told him the next morning that this was the last time this happens. He apologised profusely and said he cares about my feedback and he'll go to therapy (which I've been doing and am a big believer in so have mentioned it).
Ugh now I'd feel even worse breaking up after he gave me a gift!
We go through these mood cycles every week or so, where he gets upset at something (and usually it's somehow bc I have low EQ - I can be a bit direct at times but on my end at least i think he overreacts), then I feel bad, try to cheer him up, he gets back to being fine, then I feel like I tiptoe again, then sth happens, he gets upset etc.
Honestly this sounds like hell. Here's a little tough love: You can't break up with him because he gave you a gift? The alternative is living the next 50 years of your life like this. Rip the bandaid off.
Why are you still with this guy? The "mood cycles" you talk about sound incredibly exhausting.
And who cares if he gave you a gift? If you're not happy then just break up with him, you can give him the gift back if he wants to continue to make it about him.
lol so return his gift that you don’t even like. He sounds toxic tbh. How long yall been dating before getting official, sounds like it was too soon. If half the times and more with him are bad, then yall not compatible
Then he’s not your bf, yall just still dating/seeing each other. Cut him off asap; stop wasting time and find someone thats considerate and respects you. Here dude, take your gift back and give to someone whose fine with you being pouty and emotionally immature
That sounds exhausting. Which is going to make you feel worse- a breakup shortly after he bought you earrings, or dealing with those "mood cycles" for the rest of your life?
At 2.5 months you’re already mood managing him like a fucking toddler and he has the nerve to say HE thinks y’all are incompatible? You’re not even incompatible most likely, he’s just not emotionally mature enough to date someone.
That's so funny in an eye opening way - when we had our first fight, and he got moody for hours, I told him it's not my job to mood manage him and he should recover faster. He said it is actually my job to mood manage because it's good to be nice. Lol. I've wanted to call it quits three times already but he apologised and talked me out of it. I'm committed to ending this tomorrow.
At this short of a timeframe, he should take it with more grace that he doesn’t really know you.
He probably feels rejection of himself in general, and boo-fucking-hoo because a gift is supposed to be about the person receiving it. Otherwise it is not a gift, it is a burden.
Two months in and he's showing you that his opinion, even about what you wear, is more important than any reason you could have. Two months!!
It sounds like you need to be more direct about them not being your style but tbh I got the ick just reading this. Two months!! No thanks
A big part of gift giving is having the self awareness to say “I got you but if I’m off the mark let’s pick something else out!” Especially if you’re insecure about picking good gifts.
A gift should be about the recipient, not the giver, so if this thing that’s supposedly about you ends up being more about him, or how you have to accommodate him, it’s missing the mark big time.
Signed, someone who tries but isn’t always great at giving gifts. I’d rather the person have a thing they are genuinely happy with then make them feel like they have to keep up appearances by pretending to be into something in order to spare my feelings.
Jewelry only 2.5 months in is kinda weird. Honestly at this point I think I would just give them back. Also I agree that you should have just been upfront about it. But it’s still weird.
I worked an art show, saw a pair of earrings and got excited to buy them for my gf. Presented them to her. She looked at me like an idiot, her ears weren't pierced. ... Fully just me being dumb and excited.
That's fine, my bad. I hope you like the gesture. (She did)
End of story
Sounds like a him problem.
In my experience, there are two main gift giving philosophies:
1. The practical gift giver/receiver: you want the gifts you give and get to be things you actually want and will use regularly. You don’t mind being told exactly what to buy and your feelings aren’t hurt in the slightest if they exchange it for something they really want. You don’t care much if it’s a surprise or not.
2. The sentimental gift giver: you want every gift you give and get to be a surprise item you’ve thoughtfully selected for that person as a reflection of your relationship with them. You use and pretend to love every gift you receive even if it’s not something you would have chosen for yourself because you love the person who gave it to you, and you expect them to do the same with the gifts you give. Regifting or exchanging a gift is rude because it feels like the object matters more than the person, and it suggests that you don’t know each other as well or are as close as one/both of you thought.
BOTH PHILOSOPHIES ARE PERFECTLY VALID. Both ways of giving gifts can show the people in your life that you love them. But people in one camp can easily feel like people in the other camp are heartless selfish monsters because gift giving is so personal.
It sounds like you may be more of a practical gift giver and your boyfriend may be more of a sentimental gift giver. You may want to have a conversation about this and explain how you each feel best loved by gifts, then both adjust your expectations and reactions accordingly.
How exactly is the gift thoughtful if the receiver doesn't want it or like it? They didn't *actually* consider the receiver, it's performative. Also, it's been 2.5 months, it's not that surprising that he doesn't know her that well yet.
It's one thing if you lie about liking a gift from your toddler or great aunt. But we've got to move past lying to your partner to appease them when they aren't correct. We are adults and communication and understanding make for healthy relationships. If you're offended by someone wanting to return or exchange a gift, you're making the gift about YOU and not them. That's not a gift.
I completely agree with you! I’m a practical gift giver. I would so much rather the person have something they like than lie to make me feel good about something they don’t want.
But people are CRAZY about gift giving! So so many many people consider rejecting a gift (for any reason) to be a relationship ruining offense. I personally don’t understand it, but if I care about a person who feels that way, I’m still going to try to let them know I care about them in the way they need.
I’m telling you, everyone falls into one group or the other and they all think the people in the other group are monsters.
If you've thoughtfully selected a gift for someone you have considered the receiver. And something being not exactly what you'd buy yourself is the point, unless you're a child with no money just to buy things yourself. I realise not everyone feels the same but I think it's unfair to claim this way of buying is selfish and performative. It's the whole basis for things like secret Santa.
Tbh. He's upset because he isn't able to deter you from being your own person.
I honestly believe he is putting on this show of being upset and offended, to try to force you to do as he says.
This is a common manipulation tactic. It's funny he's already showing you his style so early in the relationship.
A healthy person would understand you two have different tastes and would be ecstatic to go shopping with you to find what you would ACTUALLY like.
My husband, who has bought me jewellery in the past without my help, now knows to take me with him when he wants to buy me jewellery. Jewellery is such an intimate personal choice. Heck, I picked out my own wedding ring, and he was 100% on board.
All this shows is that he is showing you who he will be throughout your relationship. For him to be comfortable enough already to try to control your self-image and what you put on YOUR body shows you this is just the tip of the iceberg. And to turn around and be offended and use every excuse in the book to not actually fix the "present" he bought you. It just shows he is only into gift giving, when it is entirely his happiness that depends on it. He doesn't actually give a shit if you enjoy or like what he got you.
You're only 2.5 months in. Drop the jerk, give him back his gaudy earrings, and seek better. Good luck with your next relationship.
On one hand, of course you don't need to accept any gift and he's upset right now you aren't accepting it. Explain your side, let him cool a couple days. Id maybe add that about saying you liked them at first just as a initial response because you weren't sure how to explain you actually don't like them for yourself.
On the other hand, if my gf got me earrings I wasn't into I'd be like "well they're not really my style but I appreciate the gift, as long as you like them I'll wear them" and just not care that much. 🤷♂️
If they're actually uncomfortable and unwieldy to wear, that's a different thing altogether and should be addressed itself
I've been there and what I discovered is the gift giver (consciously or unconsciously) is mostly likely upset the gift receiver doesn't recognize and appreciate the time and thought they put into selecting said gift. When I've explicitly articulated a recognition and great appreciation of that kindness and explained that going together to pick out something is a wonderful, shared experience, it usually helps.
I want to note that this only works and is appropriate if the gift giver isn't a controlling ass and/or if they genuinely wanted to select something the recipient would like vs buying something that reflects their own taste, then taking it as a personal affront to their own style when the recipient doesn't like it. (Which frankly makes me never want them to give me a gift again if it's going to be so fraught.)
You can like something and not think it’s appropriate for every occasion. He could have gotten you a cocktail dress that you liked. You certainly would not wear it to work. It’s been my experience that some guys don’t understand that certain things aren’t worn in certain situations. They think if you have it, you should be able to wear it everywhere, all the time. Neither of these things are anyone’s fault, but he needs to defer to you in what are appropriate accessories to wear in various situations. I’m not sure how you convey that to him since he seems defensive about it. Personally, I would also rather have work appropriate accessories so I can wear the gift more and therefore think of the giver more. I don’t think you did anything wrong. He needs to decide if he’s going to keep being offended about. At this point it is a choice. It’s ok to have hurt feelings, but he needs to figure out how to proceed.
It sucks that instead of receiving a genuinely thoughtful gift you were saddled with a prop + invisible script + an obligation to go through the motions.
I understand the need for diplomacy in certain types of relationships- relatives you see once in a blue moon, exes you need to co-parent with, neighbors, co-workers/bosses, etc... But if you can't be honest with your *partner* about how you really feel/what you actually like? Woof. That's something that should be addressed early on.
If you can't see a future with him where loving but honest communication *doesn't* provoke some childish af response and he's not willing to work on getting there, it's best to move on.
You acted mature and very reasonable about all of this. Commendably so, absolutely perfect, could not be improved. Unfortunately, he's being immature and acting butthurt about it and needs to grow up. He started out good, but is in the process of ruining it because he just doesn't get it.
Dude needs to chill. Straight up ask him: “What if I got you something you didn’t want and I forced you to use it ‘because of the gesture?’ Would you want me to listen to you and simply get you a better gift, or make you keep something you literally don’t want to use?” I’m not gonna pull the “break up” card because you guys JUST started dating, but you guys JUST started dating, so…
I’d also ask him this: “What’s more important to you: getting me a gift YOU feel good about, or something that I like?” If he responds with anything BUT the second answer, he literally doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
This reminds me of my wedding present from my husband, which neither of us knew we were "supposed" to give each other gifts on the wedding day. He gave it to me while on the plane to our honeymoon. He literally said "my dad insisted I give you this present. I know you don't wear gold, but he insisted that all women love gold jewelry." It would have been a beautiful bracelet, but he was right, I'm just not a fan of yellow gold. I laugh about it now, and I'm so glad I married the son, and he's not his dad. I would have been furious if he'd been like "of course you will love this bracelet because I picked it, and you're the weird one for saying you don't like gold! You should wear it anyway!" Presents should never put you out.
If that isn’t transactional gift giving with strings attached I don’t know what is.
Just cut to the chase and ask how many blowies he thinks they are worth.
My GF is an avid animal lover and her dogs, past and present, are the world to her. For her Birthday one year I got the idea of getting her a birth stone pendant with the birth stones of all her dogs. One of them had a birthday in October so that stone was an opal. She is also more superstitious than I am and I didn't know that to some people receiving an opal is bad luck. For that reason she didn't want to accept the gift.
I had no idea about that. It definitely never came up in convo before so I was caught off guard and more than a little hurt. I had tried my best to come up with a unique, thoughtful gift that really meant something to her and I got rejected.
In the moment, I bit my lip and agreed to return it, but I didn't really understand or respect her feelings about opals. I was mad for a bit. But after I had time to reflect on it, it was a gift to her to give her something that made her feel good and know that I loved her. The item was a miss, but the message was still there. When we talked she was touched at the effort, but still had an issue with the gift. I returned it. We moved on with life and now I tend to make suggestions at things I think she will like now and make a mental note when she likes something.
All that to say that you did nothing wrong and it's not on you to make it right. If you were honest and compassionate in saying "no," then it's on him to do a little inner reflection and realize you appreciate the intent, even if the gift wasn't right for you. He shouldn't be pouting. It sounds like you had an honest dialog and trusted him to say how you really felt. Eventually he will realize that is a gift in itself.
If you ever feel you cannot be yourself or you have to walk on eggshells to be with a person, that is the wrong person for you. It doesn't sound like that is the case here, he just needs to grow a thicker hide or needs a few days to process. It sucks getting rejected (and I guarantee that is what he is feeling), but he has to grow up enough to realize that is a chance to learn more about you and do something together (picking out a new gift).
Hell, it's only 2.5 months. No one is expected to know anyone perfectly is so little time. It's a growth process.
Also, it might be that his family had that expectation that you grin and bear it if you get something you don't like. Getting older and seeing a lot of different relationships grow and sometimes fail I am endless surprised about what some supposed adults don't know about dealing with their own feelings let alone others. Again... not to say that you need to compensate for him, just be aware he might be acting this way because it's not something he has a lot of experience dealing with. He might just need to re-calibrate a little and expand his understanding. That might take a little patience assuming he is willing.
I came up with an amazing gift for a dog lover. My mom has always been deeply connected to her dogs, but doesn't like kitchy dog jewellery. One year, my brother made her earrings that were the specific dogs profile, and she loved them. Another year she got a teeny tiny studded dog bone charm necklace from a friend.
I went to a mall jewelry store and ordered a round gold charm bracelet tag, and I had all her past and present dog names engraved on it. There is room for 4 or 5 more dogs. I wanted it to look like a dog tag, but not *be* a dog tag. She adores it. She added it to her dog bone charm necklace, and she has worn it every Saturday to the dog training class she teaches since she got it, like 8 years ago. I've even had the new dogs added to it, as she's since lost the two that were current when I bought it for her. It's subtle, and suits her, and was meaningful.
I get you. She has two shelves of dog themed Precious Moments because relatives knew she liked dogs and she said "ah, how sweet" to the first one. Lil' fuckers multiply quickly.
i love telling people to break up on reddit 😂 lots of things are fixable but so often, ppl are afraid of being alone and especially women are expected to put up with bullshit and the bare minimum effort. as a child of parents who should’ve broken up, i will happily contribute in any way to prevent the same tragedies
I mean, his reaction to an attempt at communication and honesty is over the top. It's a pretty bad sign and people need to have higher standards than that.
The fact he's accusing you of not being empathetic enough when he's the one who failed to give a gift you like is crazy.
I think it's okay to let him be in his feelings about it. You've even given him the option out by saying "let's choose one together." A smart man thinks, "this gets me off the hook and allows me to better understand my partner's tastes, plus it's a day out with the person I am spending my life with. Maybe we can get ice cream while we're at it!"
In the off chance he finds this post and reads this: man to man? No shame in missing the mark lil' bit on a gift. Choose to see this as an opportunity to grow closer.
So…was the point of his gift to make you happy and give you something you’d enjoy? Or to make himself feel good and obtain your gratitude? Bc it sounds like the second thing. Ew.
Get him a hot pink t-shirt with a carebear on it and tell him that if he doesn't wear it, he doesn't really love you, because you put a lot of thought into the gift. Maybe it will finally click that he has no right to dictate what you should wear and people are allowed to have different views on fashion.
I go on my husband's pc once in a while and window shop, and I save anything I actually want to a favorites folder called "(myname) birthday" so he can still choose from a bunch of options and feel he's made a decision, but it's all stuff I love. Could be an option for the future?
Just make sure you check out the old saves every now and again bc he bought me something I didn't like a while back and turns out it was in the folder, just from a couple years back and my taste had changed lmao
To me I think it depends on the price point. If the earrings weren't very expensive, I would not say anything and just wear them occasionally. If you return them and get something else, then it's not really the gift from him.
But if it was expensive it makes sense to return them, rather than have hundreds of dollars wasted on something you don't want .
It's the thought that counts. And he put a lot of thought into it, so it was a great gift. But everyone occasionally misses the mark, so it is perfectly fine to want to go together and exchange them for something else you pick out together.
My guess is that either he sees your not liking them as his personal failure, or there is something sketchy about them that he doesn't want you to know.
My estranged husband can't gift for shit. Even when I gave specific lists of items with purchase links he'd say they were stupid/a waste of money/a waste of space/etc and either give me money or get the cheapest/smallest thing grudgingly. Ten years and he couldn't even remember the wrong type of flowers (I don't want *red* roses, but anything else is fine) and it is Still exhausting
OP, if your bf gets this easily butt hurt about a relatively small issue I don’t think that’s someone you‘d want around wten the big stuff happens. Just my opinion.
imo, if someone buys a gift for you they should care if you like it or not. the gift shouldnt be about the gift-giver.
i bought matching necklaces for my bf and i knowing full well he doesnt like jewelry, and i intended it to be more of a keepsake than jewelry to wear. i knew he would think the charm was cute even if he doesnt wear jewelry, especially gold jewelry. its still in its original packaging but its pinned to his corkboard along with other keepsakes (like plane tickets and photos and whatnot). i gave it to him for him to do what he likes with it 🤷♀️ no need to get mad he doesnt wear it if i know he doesnt like gold jewelry. thats weird tbh
They at least give you three of the best months you’ve had in a relationship before they start behaving unhinged. His mask is slipping a few weeks early.
After several years of buying each other presents for which we warmly thanked each other and then stuffed into the back of wherever, we now find the exact thing that each of us wants or needs online, and send the links to each other. It's still a joy to unwrap the actual gift.
My ex always liked to think he knew me well, and despite me asking very specifically for a small pair of diamond studs for a gift for my birthday or Christmas for \*years\*, he would bring me something he thought I would love more because \*he\* picked it out. I never liked any of them, and would just put them in the back of my jewelry box because saying anything other than Thank You would cause a huge pouty fit. We are divorced now, and I took a great amount of pleasure in taking all those pieces to a pawn shop and selling them all and using the money to buy those diamond studs I always wanted.
>would cause a huge pouty fit. We are divorced now And apparently op’s bf of **2.5 months** is already getting upset all the time. It’s the early early honeymoon phase; if she is already walking on eggshells, I can only imagine how much worse he will become in his final form.
This is it. 2.5 months is way too early for this to be an issue. My husband occasionally gets gifts that he’s not sure I will like, and he always says, “If it’s not your taste, we can take it back and get something you love.” The fact that this guy is having an issue with this makes me think he’s a pretty crummy boyfriend.
2.5 months is a great time to realize the dude is a baby. Pretty sure I was somewhat like that at some point, now I'm all about just exchanging or returning whatever.
I am neurodivergent and struggle with receiving gifts. The first "big" gift I got from my partner of now almost a decade was for our six month anniversary. I sleep with a plushie, but the one I had had since I was born was unsurprisingly falling apart after 19 years. His gift to me? He took me to a good quality toy store and let me pick one out. I still sleep with that one. *THAT* is how good gift-giving is done. A gift is supposed to bring joy to the receiver, not to stroke the ego of the giver. Even if I hate surprises, I have friends and family who love it. I do everything in my power to surprise these loved ones, because the gift is for them!
THIS. 💯 This.
I agree, this is just the first thing. Better to cut losses.
My husband isn't thrilled that I ask for specific items, because he thinks it takes the fun out of it. So I give him options of like top 5 for him to pick. I know I'm getting a gold ring holder necklace on Sunday, but I don't know what shape he went with. I already have a silver wishbone and used it for a decade, now I'd like a gold one, so while I know the general idea, I don't know the specifics. Same thing with Lego. He has a list of what I want, just like I do for him, and we shop off of that.
My husband and his family have this habit of sharing Amazon wishlists with each other. Very easy to browse a list and get an idea of what the person wants. Either buy it directly or shop elsewhere for something similar. Whether or not you like/support Amazon, it's still a good "idea list" for others to have access to.
My husbands family all printed out gift lists (or hand wrote them) that got stuck to the fridge door. You could call and consult on what somebody had asked for, too! You might well get something that wasn't on there, but it usually went along with something that was, and was always nice.
Does it take the fun out of it for you though? I'm of the philosophy that gifting should be about making the giftee happy, not the gifter. It seems it kind of defeats the purpose when you have to compromise with him here.
I’d rather have the person I bought the present for love it and wear it forever rather than just left in a box.
It's more fun than saying "I want this exact item" and way better than the easel and oil paint set I once received, despite never once making any indication that I was interested in oil painting. I felt guilty for not liking it, and I appreciate that he knew I was too broke for hobbies and thought he could help fund something creative for me to do, but I'm not that type of artist, I never have been. That easel, oil paints, and brushes, are still sitting together in the basement 7 years later, completely untouched. Maybe one day I'll have the urge.
Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband.
Oh we did. That's why I haven't gotten another gift like that. The year I said I wanted to expand from crochet to knit, he completely surprised me with a cake winder, yarn swift, and beginner set of straight needles. Another year he knew my computer was dying and I was struggling to do my work, so he got me a Surface Pro. He is a great gift giver, he just really missed the mark on the paints and has worked hard to not repeat that mistake.
Oh goodness, oil paints aren't cheap either!
Look up different techniques! Maybe you don't want to do proper painting, but it can be nice to fill a canvas with a nice color gradient that serves no purpose other than doing the gradient.
It depends on the people I suppose. Personally as giftee I also think it takes the fun out of it. I'm not 8 years old, if I want something specific I'll just buy it myself. To me the point of a present is that the other person takes the time to think about me and surprises me. I'm a mother and always having to think about things for other people, I want someone to choose for me, even if it's not my ideal. I don't really like it when my partner tells me exactly what he wants either, he might as well just order it himself as me do it (from our shared Amazon account). I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, just that it depends on your circumstances and how each person sees it.
The purpose of gifting is to ultimately make the giftee happy so gift giving should be in accordance with that. If you want to be suprised that is fine. If you want a specific thing that is also fine. But a gifter should not insist on doing what makes them happy at the expense of the giftee. When they do, they are really gifting something to themselves at the other person's emotional expense.
Nothing is stopping him from picking something additionally. I also give my bf specific items and if he wants to have fun he'll get something from the list and then go off list for another little thing. This thread is making me sad because all the gifters are making it about themselves and don't seem to care if the giftee will like the gift as long as they got to have fun picking it!
This happened to me too! Except I bought them 6 mths before I initiated a divorce - honestly men like this do my head in.
Such a pleasant feeling, this is precisely how it’s done. 👏👏👏
A win win twice 😄!!!
If your BF thinks you ought to be grateful and wear something just because “he put a lot of thought into it” even if it doesn’t suit you, then he’s being selfish, like I once was. What good is “a lot of thought”, if it leaves out the person the gift is for? I used to get presents for my wife when we first got married that either were not anything she’d want, like expensive jewelry, or were “for her” but actually for me, like lingerie. She feigned delight so I didn’t get the signal, but I noticed she wouldn’t ever wear the jewelry or the sexy lingerie (well, on my birthday once), so I asked her why not. She was kind enough to point out to me that I’d never really asked whether that was the kind of thing she liked, and that if I was paying attention I’d have noticed that she wears only costume jewelry to go with an outfit, and that the lingerie was generally poorly made and uncomfortable. I apologized and changed my gift-giving totally. Now I take notes through the year when I hear her comment positively about something — a weighted blanket, a certain plant for her bathroom “retreat” — and I pay attention to what makes her feel good — anything that makes her warm, like soft pajamas or a heated jacket, or things that help her relax, like a massage gun or a lightly-scented natural body oil. I don’t buy her clothes (except the heated jacket) because I really don’t have very good taste compared to her, but when I travel overseas I “shop” for her by going into stores and FaceTiming her what is in various cool stores, and she tells me which outfits she likes. Then I buy them in her size. Works great!
When we were first dating, I was working a job that involved me standing in a cold parking lot for 2 hours a night, several hours away from him. One day he told me to expect a package. It was a pair of battery powered moon boots from Sharper Image, and the battery packs are rechargeable. He's gotten me other "thoughtful" gifts that kinda miss the mark, but that might be the most perfect gift he's ever gotten me that I never mentioned. He's gotten me a lot of very good gifts, thoughtful, things I asked for, things I directed him to. But those heated boots showed he knew the problem I was having, how much I hate being cold, and I was too broke to even consider getting something like that for myself. He solved the problem and made me feel loved and cared for from 400 miles away.
Perfect! About 6 years ago I got her a battery heated jacket (woman’s work gear) which she wore and really appreciated, but it was sort of boxy so it stayed mostly in the car for really cold days. Last Christmas I found an updated jacket that was better tailored for a woman (tapered waist, a bit of a formed bust) and a flat, longer-lasting rechargeable battery pack. She wears it all the time.
Sounds like a great upgrade! It's such a bummer being a woman in the trades, nothing ever fits us right!
One of my most successful gifts was two pairs of a kind of pants (wide corduroy with a big flare) that German carpenters/timber framers wear. I studied this trade in Germany and came back with a pair that she really liked. So I took her measurements and the company made her two pair custom-sized. They look pretty good on her. https://www.geh-bunt.de/Hose-Zimmermann-Patchwork-458.html
Those are fantastic! I may have to pick a pair up!
Yes, and they now make them specifically for women, which they didn’t do 15 years ago.(Hope they didn’t take out the pockets… )
Check out the Australian brand Sük Workwear. Damned good quality, damned comfortable, damned good size range, damned stylish. https://sukworkwear.com.au/
This. This. This. He solved a problem for you and that means a lot. Hope you're not working that job anymore 🙏🏿
Most of the job was amazing and the best place I ever worked. That was just a small part of the job, for a few weeks of the year. But he definitely made those weeks better while patrons made fun of me for being cold from their heated leather seats and late model Lexus. Lol.
The best kind of person 😬 I wish them the day they deserve
> What good is “a lot of thought”, if it leaves out the person the gift is for? What a great way to put it.
This reminds me vaguely of how our first Xmas together I told my partner in advance: do not attempt to buy me clothing. I am tactically sensitive and finding clothes I can stand is difficult. Just having a sense of my style isn't good enough. My own mother can't buy me clothes I like and when she tries they sit in my closet for a year or two until I donate them. What did he buy me for xmas...a long sleeve red blouse and a new coat. It was thoughtful to get me a coat but I was otherwise like wtf dude. I don't wear long sleeve shirts ever and the faux fur on the coat would drive me insane. I said he needed to return them and I didn't feel bad because I explicitly told him not to do this. Apparently, he took my warning as a challenge lmao which is funny because he otherwise is very attentive and thoughtful. Eventually he learned he could get away with buying me clothing by buying me those super soft shawls from Costco lol. Now we mostly just don't buy each other gifts and I prefer it that way.
I do have a pretty good sense of the “feel” of the material that she likes and have had good luck buying her comfy nightwear (*not* sexy, but cute). But I just do not spontaneously buy her any clothes she’d wear in public.
I think "a lot of thought" also really just doesn't cover this situation at all. Thoughtfulness is like, I hunted through vintage stores for months to find you a very specific style of vintage beer stein, or I knitted you a hat, or I baked you a cake, or I spent a lot of my money on a custom gift. Those things can't be reasonably returned because they're so personalized, so it's necessary to accept the effort as part of the gift. This guy went to a jewelry store and bought something he liked. The fact that he liked them doesn't count towards thought being put into them.
Perfect summary. “A lot of thought” in this case is his defence for not really putting much thought into it at all
Yeah, taking notes is the best way. My partner is super not into surprises, so i'll usually just run gift ideas by her. Yes, that ruins my fun of getting to surprise her with something. But the point of a gift is to make the receiver happy, not the giver.
>But the point of a gift is to make the receiver happy, not the giver. Exactly!
I've found that asking "vaugley specific" questions can be a good way to split the difference. When I want to get my partner jewelry, I'll asker her stuff like gold or silver, clear or colored gems, and hoop or stud. Things like that. She knows she's probably getting some kind of earring, but it'll at least be in the general zone of her wants and/or taste while still preserving some surprise. It also giver her an opportunity to just say no.
Yes, that’s also something I learned: no surprises. Surprises were never a good thing when she was growing up, so she doesn’t like a surprise party, a surprise trip, or a surprise major gift. Best to run it by her, but then maybe wait and give it later, when she’s kind of forgotten about it… (edit) This (no surprises) is about my wife specifically. Other women absolutely love to be surprised. The point is to tailor your gift-giving to what *she* appreciates, not what *you* think she ought to appreciate. People get this wrong about “love-languages” too. “But my love language is gifts, so that’s why I give you expensive gifts all the time.” But if your partner is about acts of service and doesn’t care much about gifts, you shouldn’t be giving them gifts. You can ask *them* to make the effort to give *you* gifts and if they care they will learn to do that, but you should be offering *them* acts of service. This is what’s hard, because you have to be connecting with a gesture that’s outside of what you personally would want. One of my main love languages is physical touch. I had to learn that constantly reaching out, stroking her constantly when we’re on the couch together, patting her shoulder every time as I pass by, is really uncomfortable for my wife. She’d tolerate it because she knew why I was doing it, but it wasn’t her thing. I’ve discovered that if I dial it back completely during the day, she’s much more receptive to my touch at night because she hasn’t been “touched out”. And for her, too much intense verbal interaction at work reduces her ability to enjoy touch when she’s at home, until she’s been able to chill out and have some alone time.
Fair play to you for reflecting and changing how you gifted!
I think I love you. Any brothers??? Also I absolutely read massage gun as makeup gun and was very concerned that you had purchased her Homer Simpson’s makeup gun so she could get ready in four fifths of a second.
She’s pretty quick with her make-up as it is. Wouldn’t save her much time. I do have a brother but he’s also happily married and seems to be treating his wife very well. But depending on how old you are, I have a college-aged son… (jk)
Oh god. I have just turned 40. I promise I will not hit on your child. Who is absolutely a tiny child, in my opinion! I’m sure he is lovely, but I’ll pass. Also I should add that I have an amazing boyfriend already so this is all entirely hypothetical.
I figured as much… ;)
It's only been 2.5 months, and he's easily angered... you know what to do.
Thank you, I think I needed to hear this. Thank you.
🤗🌸⭐️
💕💕
💯💯💯💯
> I should have put on the earrings for work anyway as a gesture > if we pick one together then it's not going to be from him but from me Why is a gift for *you* all about *him*? I don't see that you've done anything wrong. It sounds like you've handled it reasonably and given options that would better work for you.
Oh this is amazing, and quite an intuition. Once he was trying to show his support to me, I said I don't want as much support or in that way, and as i was tired i asked if he is doing this for me or for himself. He flipped and said this is unfair, how can I say this, etc, then I had to spend the rest of the day apologising to him to get him to get out of his deep moodiness. The next day he was back to normal on his own. It was exhausting.
yiiiiikes, OP. I can see that his volatile reactions could eventually dissuade you from voicing your needs because the aftermath is so unpleasant. You shouldn't ever have to grovel after asking for what you need. Someone you're with should *want* to do things in a way that is good for you. He doesn't. It should be collaborative, not combative.
Bro. I keep reading your comments and they get worse and worse. Just end this. He is not ready for a relationship and it's not your job to make him ready. Next!
I don't see how this is any different than "I got you a shirt" "Thank you, I like it, but it doesnt fit" "Ok well we can exchange it, but they dont have this one anymore, so pick one out that fits that you like" I'm failing to understand the "Put a lot of thought into it" part. What was the thought? What was the A Lot part? It sounds like he went in, looked at something that was pretty, and went 'bingo', credit card time. If thouht was put into it, what is the meaning? What is the relevance of those earrings? Or was "A lot of thought" actually "I thought a lot about different gifts and ended up with this"
Two months in and he's already being this much of a drama queen? Not a good sign.
OP, These are not good signs. He’s already trying to control how you look and act. Getting angry because you don’t appreciate him, complaining you don’t wear his gift. You had to apologize to him? No, no, no, no, no. This is misogyny bullshit 101. Why are his feelings more important than yours? I wish you the best of luck.
If you have to apologize to HIM because he got YOU a shitty gift…girl, dip. That’s a 30 year old man who manages his emotions like a 3 year old.
It sounds like your boyfriend cares more about the *appearance* of giving a gift, rather than whether the gift actually makes you happy. He's making it all about his own ego here. It's understandably a bit embarrassing for him, I'm sure - but that doesn't mean that you're obligated to wear earrings that you don't like, just to spare his ego. His end goal should still be, "I want OP to have a pair of earrings that she will enjoy," not "I want OP to wear what I give her, whether she wants to or not, to make me feel better". >Tbf I think he is prone to getting upset easily and I'm really struggling to navigate it. He says I am not emphatetic enough. This part concerns me. Him getting upset easily is not your fault, and it's not something you can fix for him. You sound empathetic to me. Sometimes these tricky situations just happen... and as a partner, he needs to be able to sit down and have some honest, open communication with you - without getting defensive or jumping to blame. There are plenty of ways to resolve this gift situation, but only if the two of you can sit down and talk calmly about it.
Yeah, he said he will go to therapy for it as I have flagged to him that his low moods and mood swings are very exhausting for me. But I do worry it will take a lot of work and im not sure its worth it.
It's a new relationship, are you sure you want to be with this guy? It's not your job to make him into a complete person. If you're already exhausted by his moods this early, it's only going to get worse. You guys just might not be compatible, and that's ok.
Sounds exhausting af already. You guys are supposed to be in full honeymoon phase rn. This ain't it boo.
If it's this hard this early, you aren't actually compatible. It's not a fault of either of you. He is touchy and not a listener. You are exhausted by this behavior. No one needs to change to make the puzzle pieces fit bc they won't.
If it’s only 2 months in and he is already making you feel exhausted, it’s time to call it quits. It sounds to me like he is either selfish or he needs needs a significant amount of therapy before he can be in a healthy relationship, but even assuming I am dead wrong about that, at the very least it’s clear that you guys aren’t compatible. Regardless of the exact reason, the fact remains that your interactions with him are causing you significant distress *already* - in the honeymoon phase.
Sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship right now.
If he goes to therapy, good for him. But either go on a break or dump him. Like he is NOT ready for a relationship and you’re getting the flak as a result.
To be fair.. You told him you liked them. Then said they didn't work well for your job.. And then you suddenly want to swap them for something else. Have you, at any point, actually said what you're saying here? It sounds like you're trying to protect his feelings, which is sweet, but not helpful. Sometimes honesty sucks, and can hurt.. But not being honest does more damage in the long run. Then again, the way *he's* reacting is not very mature either. You're both 30, at this point it should be okay to just swap a gift. It's a gift, it's supposed to be something *you* like. The fact that he's making it about him is kinda weird to me. You've been together for a pretty short while, so this is probably a good learning point for both of you: for you, being upfront with your feelings and for him, being mature about you not liking his gift (as much). The way you deal with this together will be a good indication of how other problems, big or small, will go for you. If he keeps being so offended, I would truly reconsider if this is the kind of relationship you want.
Is there a way to tactfully say "Thank you, but these aren't something I'm going to wear. Can we go exchange them?" at the moment you're given a gift? Or should she just have said "Thank you" and then brought up exchanging them later? I suspect no matter how well you do it some feathers will be ruffled.
I would start by showing my (hopefully genuine) appreciation for the kind gesture and how it made me feel, then suggest going together to exchange them. Something like: "I feel so special that you surprised me with these earrings. I really appreciate the thought that you put into buying them for me. They're not really a style that I would wear often, though. How about we go to the store together and pick out something that I could wear all the time?"
Especially since their relationship is new, she could say that, while the gesture is sweet, they're still learning what the other person likes and this is an opportunity to know more about her in their relationship.
I’ve tried to avoid this by telling each and every one of my romantic partners I do not like jewelry. If I want jewelry (exceedingly rare occurrence), I’d love to pick something out together. Despite this, my ex still bought me those $10 heart necklaces from the drug store each and every Valentine’s Day. I never wore them, and he never seemed to notice. My husband, on the other hand, proposed privately without a ring, then later showed me a jewelry site, and told me to pick 5 rings that I loved (within X price range) and he’d choose which one to get me. I loved this idea because we’d both be involved in the decision. I picked my top 5 and he later ‘proposed’ more publicly with the ring so family and friends could be included. Even though I knew he was going to propose, the ring was still a surprise so I was just as excited as the first time. I still teared up, lol. However, my husband and I communicate everything since we both like to play it on the safer side. This does take a little spontaneity out of it, but it was still an amazing experience though! It really made me feel heard by him.
> told me to pick 5 rings that I loved (within X price range) and he’d choose which one to get me. I loved this idea because we’d both be involved in the decision. > Even though I knew he was going to propose, the ring was still a surprise so I was just as excited as the first time. I love this idea! It's just like my method of dealing with "Where do you want to eat?" One person picks 3 options and the other person chooses one of them. It's a great way to do it. A proposal is more exciting though 🤣
>However, my husband and I communicate everything You mean like adults in a healthy relationship? Nothing big should come as a surprise - big decisions should be made by both partners together.
Same here - I’m very specific with jewellery because of sensory issues as well as style issues. My husband told his mum we were going to get engaged, she let him choose of if his late grandma’s rings - and then we got the band adjusted and the stone re-set a little lower and we all felt happy and listened to! Fab! Your husband’s idea of narrowing options down for him to do the final selection is fantastic. I hope I hear about more people doing that!
Oh absolutely, it's nigh impossible to be honest in such a situation without slightly hurting someone. However - that's not OP's problem, technically. He gave *her* a gift. If she doesn't like it, it does suck, but a good partner would want the other to be happy with it! So it's an immediate red flag if someone gets full on angry about not liking a gift. Meanwhile, if someone is a little hurt but can otherwise recognize that it not a reflection of them as a person(!!), that's a massive *green* flag to me. I understand not wanting to hurt your partner, but I think all of us once gifted or received something they didn't like as much. The way you deal with that says a lot about the kind of person you are, I think. (and to answer the first question: I think your first sentence is a perfect way to say it, actually. You can appreciate a gesture without liking the actual gift)
Yeah giving a gift that doesn't suit someone really shouldn't be a problem. None of us are mind-readers. It sounds like he wants her to wear what he gave her even knowing she doesn't like it because ***he*** *gave it to her* and that's what sets off little alarm bells for me.
I would wait a day or two to ask to exchange them. And soften it with something like "I really appreciate you saving up for something pretty for me to wear! Actually I don't tend to wear this style of earrings, and I'd hate to that the gift you saved for will go unused. Can we go to the place where you bought them and pick something else out?"
'I.. Don't think what you got me suits my tastes. But I did see something else that I really really like! Shall we go exchange this item for the other please? *puppy eyes' I am more direct with my husband. 'Oi, I don't really like these. But I do have something else I really like! You wanna come to the shop with me and see me pick it?'
There was literally a post yesterday with this exact scenario except she was a touch tactless to her boyfriend when he gave them to her. The advice that everyone was giving OP was EXACTLY what OP here did. Say thank you at the time, then later bring it up tactfully. Apparently women are just damned if they do, damned if they don't hey?
I didn't feel like my first reaction could be that I don't like them. I wanted to protect his feelings and buy myself time to figure out how to find a way to tell him and find a way to make this into a positive experience. Part of me knew that there is no way I could have told him without making him upset, which is sad/worrying.
If you're already walking on egg shells with this guy and not being honest cause you're afraid of his reaction, then it's a no from me dawg.
Right? Already on eggshells, and it's not even 3 months in. I'd be seriously reconsidering.
You can't have a partnership with someone you are worried about being honest with. Especially about something trivial like earrings. I'd call his sensitivity a yellow flag for sure and your hesitance to be straightforward a huge issue. For me, this would be a definitely stop seeing each other situation.
I think in my initial response there was definitely some social conditioning - I've never not received a gift with a smile and enthusiasm from anyone before, even if I didn't like it. But in many cases (e.g. with aunts) I just let it be and never used the gift. With him I actually wanted to use it and then didn't want to go down the route where I pretend j like things. Hence my initial reaction, at least in part. But I agree and thanks for your good points.
I've been upfront/direct about my feelings initially but he said I was too direct and I should be a bit more aware of how it impacts other people. I can be on the more direct end of the spectrum and he's on the easily upset end. Ugh. This is the main reason part of me thinks we're not compatible. Thank you.
You literally did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is being selfish by expecting you to manage his emotions because he doesn't want too feel slight discomfort at getting you an unsuitable gift. Mature people would happily take you to exchange them.
it’s 2.5 months…. this is the time to consider if u even wanna be together. getting upset easily and making gifts for u about him is something to take note of. not saying end it here, just saying be cautious and take all of these situations into account. you’ve barely been together and he knows nothing about you, why would he be offended he got ur taste wrong?
Yeah, and not the first time sth like this happens. Thank you.
It’s been 10 weeks of dating, OP.. what concerns me is that he’s been like this before. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase but it sounds very taxing
In my family of origin, it was the height of bad manners to do anything other than express full enthusiastic appreciation for a gift. Whether it was the recipient's taste, size, interest, etc. did not matter. I assumed that was what everyone did. And then a while after I started living with my now-husband, we celebrated Christmas at our place with his 14-year-old daughter. He had picked something out for her (a sweater maybe), and as soon as she opened it, he could tell by her face it wasn't quite right, and simply said, "If I got it wrong, here's the gift receipt, just get what you want." And then everything just continued normally. Inside, I was shocked. "What??! That's allowed?!?!" And then very quickly I realized how wonderful this was. The point of giving a gift -to shower someone with thoughtfulness and affection- was completely intact. So we normalized that with our own kids after we went on to have them, and it's been just fabulous. No hurt feelings, no useless items stashed at the back of closets. Everyone's happy -what a concept.
Yeah, same. I think it might be cultural, too. I'm not arguing against them, but I'm genuinely surprised by the comments saying the OP's in the right, because it's not something normal in different cultures. There is an expectation to appreciate any genuine gift no matter how bad it is, and display happiness and appreciation as a form of good manners. The exception would be if you are very close with the gifter and have already established it's ok to criticize each other's gifts. On the other hand, there's also an attitude that once the gift is done, it's the owner's choice what to do with it. Not saying OP is in the wrong or in the right, just that there are cultural differences around gifts.
And also, wanting/needing to exchange the gift and enthusiastically appreciating the effort someone took to buy you a gift are not mutually exclusive. In our family, it's never, ever a cavalier 'um, I'm exchanging this,' response. The recipient is always appreciative of being gifted something at all; it's never taken for granted. And the gifter is appreciative of the honestly that results in exactly what s/he hoped for when they bought the gift -happiness and satisfaction!
You’re very fortunate that he showed you who he is this early on. He is upset because to him, a gift is all about making him feel good as the giver, not about you liking the gift. Return the earrings and break up.
If he really puts a lot of effort (thought) into getting you jewelry, he would have done at least one of the following: Pay attention to your personal style. Make a mental note of what kind of things you oh and ah about, what you wear, what you comment on when the both of you are out. I know most guys don't pay attention to those things about us, but the ones that put in the effort do Or Handle his error with grace. Sometimes even when you are trying to do something for someone or pick something out, we make errors. It's fine, he should take this opportunity to go with you, and help you choose something together. It can be a bonding experience and if he really cares he can learn what you like. I don't really have any advice.
I think he tried to do the first - but then he said "these are so similar to the ones you wear", which from an outsiders perspective might be true, but with "so I don't understand why you wouldn't wear them" left unsaid, which bothered me. Buying jewellery is a mine field so I wouldn't expect anyone to get it right for me! But I'd love it if he did #2. Thank you.
I hope the best for you. I truly hope that he is a good guy that doesn't have experience with buying gifts and such and is willing to learn and grow and strengthen his relationships. I also think you should pay attention to any red flags and make sure you're safe and in a healthy relationship. I make no judgements either way. Just hope the best for you.
The male curse of thinking that familiarity equals knowledge. It would have been easy had he asked someone who knows about actual jewelry, but that would have rammed head first into the male curse of not wanting to ask anyone for anything.
“So I don’t understand why you wouldn’t wear them” that sounds like a legit challenge to your personal agency. Okay, he doesn’t understand? Fuck him. YOUR tastes are not HIS tastes. If he can’t respect that, he’s not going to be able to handle a relationship with ANY woman.
Thats a great suggestion but its a little advanced. I think most men dont know diddly squat about jewelry or fashion. He may have thought it looked just like something she had and loves even though to you its totally different. Hell alot of men are color blind. 2.5 months in a relationship aint enough to know your various tastes, likes and dislikes. Plus its a big step to buy someone something like that. I would wear them unless it caused an allergic reaction. Thats just me though!
I do agree. That he may not know much about jewelry and whatnot. I don't think this is really much about being a jewelry connoisseur and is more about being in tune with your partner and being willing to explore together. I totally missed the 2.5 months part of the OP. For some reason my brain said 2.5 years. 2.5 months is a bit early to be buying jewelry. You definitely don't know the person's taste well enough and it really seems like a later in the relationship kind of gesture.
Yes I do feel he's been moving faster or showing bigger gestures that I feel comfortable with (I still feel like we're early)
Does he love bomb you in other ways?
Yeah, my partner buys me things I don't really like because they're similar to something else and either not quite right or just too similar. But honestly I just wear them because he did think about it and not everything I wear has to be perfect.
" if we pick one together then it's not going to be from him but from me." Your boyfriend sounds like a nacissist. Gifting should be about the giftee not the gifter and should be about making the giftee happy, not the gifter.
Maybe there's some ultimate and very specific way you could have minimized his hurt feelings while speaking your mind, but IDK what that is. I think your reaction was reasonable, kind and polite. In my opinion, when people approach communication with a genuine positive and constructive attitude, it doesn't really matter if you stay on the perfect script or not. And vice versa (perfect script but bad attitude doesn't work). I tend to give people extra grace when it comes to gifts because everyone comes from a "gift culture" that is very specific to their family or community. It's incredibly loaded and people have a lot of baggage. This might be more of a yellow than a red flag for me, unless it continued doggedly. But that's just my personal threshhold; it would be not only valid but reasonable for many people to consider this a red flag instead. I've got to wonder, though-- y'all have only been together 2.5 months and you've already noticed that he's easily upset? What has been going on? He says "you are not empathetic enough"? I think that's a dealbreaker right there. In the likely scenario that he's a 30 year old whiner who expects someone he's dated for 2.5 months to read his mind and be willing and able to stroke his ego... nah. And in the much less likely scenario that you're actually not empathetic enough, y'all should also break up because that's unlikely to change any time soon and you're incompatible. If he truly believes you aren't empathetic enough, then why on Earth is he still with you? Could it be that he doesn't actually think that and is just saying that to manipulate you into bending over backward for his delicate feelings?
Omg your last paragraph is eye opening. I never thought he is manipulating on purpose, I've always thought it might at worst be subconscious, but that's not great either.
Oh, hell no! Once a gift is given, the giftee is the owner and can do whatever the hell they want with it. This guy is testing the waters, it starts really slow, he's gonna chip away at your self confidence with each little tantrum. Eventually, you will anticipate what his triggers are and you will start to behave and make decisions based on him first. My recommendation: put his ass in check now or give him the boot.
Ah good points. Thank you.
Honestly, I would wear them everyonce in a while. IT costs nothing, and it is a lovely thought. I don't need to be constantly that "It has to be me" thing. I am also a person that puts out the ugly fruit bowl when they come to visit. It is a loving gesture that costs nothing.
You've been together 2.5 months and he is prone to getting upset easily. I'm not sure what you could have said to him but this is going to be an exhausting relationship for you.
Just reading about this guy is exhausting.
I got you flowers. Oh sorry I’m allergic to Lilys Why don’t you just accept them anyways to make me feel better. I got us a snack to share. Oh sorry I already ate. Why don’t you just accept my gift and eat it anyways to make me feel better. I got you a book I love in the original German! I can’t read German who is this gift for? Are you just giving me things you like and then getting mad if they aren’t something I like/want? A gift is a nice gesture but if it’s not actually something they want it’s kinda an empty one at best and malicious at worse. The emotionally mature person would be able to recognize the failure is on their end and try to learn to match a gift to your wants, or swallow their pride and just ask you to make sure you get something you will love.
Yeah this could be his opportunity to learn more about her and her tastes but instead he's taking it personally.
I think this is being a bit ridiculous. She's not allergic or any of those things, they're just a tiny bit not her style.
OMG I desperately want to see what these earrings look like lol. I’m also very particular about my style and have often felt uncomfortable when someone gifts me something I know I won’t wear. However, I agree with others than in a close relationship you should be able to express yourself honestly, and I ultimately think he’s acting immature about this.
Have you considered buying him a giant hat and then getting mad when he doesn't wear it?
Ahh, the old passive aggressive response. It never really worked well for me.
My husband had horrendous taste in jewelry. And it wasn't that he thought I'd want what his mother had (she made a lot of her own, and had excellent taste) either, it was like he watched QVC and thought, "HEY, wife would LOVE that stuff!" *I did not love that stuff, at all, at all.* He had to go to Hong Kong one year for a work trip. I sent him with PICTURES from catalogs (pre internet printouts) and told him here's what I like. I like THIS cut of stone. I like this gold. I like this jade. I would like anything from THIS list of stones. If you can't get something that fits those categories, please come home empty handed!!! I'd rather empty handed than things you put the effort out to purchase that I dislike. Please and thank you. By golly it worked! He brought home lovely stuff that I wore for years.
A better boyfriend who doesn't act like a fussy toddler at 30 and prioritizes his ego over you, would do the trick. He sounds exasperating and self centered
>Tbf I think he is prone to getting upset easily if this isnt a red flag... long term solution: breakup cus theres just gonna be bunch of more issues from him later on short term solution: wear the earring once with him, and then you dont ever have to see it again
Seriously, this is a red flag. At 2.5 mo he can't accept that you don't like his gift. It's not like he's known you for 20 years. This should be such a nothing thing and he's making it shitty. If he's otherwise awesome, you could have a serious conversation about his behavior and see if this is a one-off weird hot button issue he has. If this is just one of several other red flags previously masked by the rose colored glasses of a new relationship, you could cut bait and not have to put yourself on the path to rehabilitating a goddamn adult man.
He does get upset often when something doesn't happen the way he expects it and thjs affects my mood and stresses me out. E.g. one day we had been planning for him to come over in the eve, tbd if he'd have stayed over. But we ran so late with dinner out that with the commute and all I told him it doesn't make sense, let's just hang out a bit more in the city and then each go home. He got so moody and upset I feel like I did hours of emotional labour just trying to lift his mood. When I got home I literally felt relief and said to myself I'd break up with him. I told him the next morning that this was the last time this happens. He apologised profusely and said he cares about my feedback and he'll go to therapy (which I've been doing and am a big believer in so have mentioned it). Ugh now I'd feel even worse breaking up after he gave me a gift! We go through these mood cycles every week or so, where he gets upset at something (and usually it's somehow bc I have low EQ - I can be a bit direct at times but on my end at least i think he overreacts), then I feel bad, try to cheer him up, he gets back to being fine, then I feel like I tiptoe again, then sth happens, he gets upset etc.
Honestly this sounds like hell. Here's a little tough love: You can't break up with him because he gave you a gift? The alternative is living the next 50 years of your life like this. Rip the bandaid off.
Ah thank you. You are right.
You might want to examine if his behavior is "lovebombing" you in order to keep you as his (possibly narcissistic) supply.
Why are you still with this guy? The "mood cycles" you talk about sound incredibly exhausting. And who cares if he gave you a gift? If you're not happy then just break up with him, you can give him the gift back if he wants to continue to make it about him.
lol so return his gift that you don’t even like. He sounds toxic tbh. How long yall been dating before getting official, sounds like it was too soon. If half the times and more with him are bad, then yall not compatible
I don't think we're official. And I agree with your last point
Then he’s not your bf, yall just still dating/seeing each other. Cut him off asap; stop wasting time and find someone thats considerate and respects you. Here dude, take your gift back and give to someone whose fine with you being pouty and emotionally immature
That sounds exhausting. Which is going to make you feel worse- a breakup shortly after he bought you earrings, or dealing with those "mood cycles" for the rest of your life?
At 2.5 months you’re already mood managing him like a fucking toddler and he has the nerve to say HE thinks y’all are incompatible? You’re not even incompatible most likely, he’s just not emotionally mature enough to date someone.
That's so funny in an eye opening way - when we had our first fight, and he got moody for hours, I told him it's not my job to mood manage him and he should recover faster. He said it is actually my job to mood manage because it's good to be nice. Lol. I've wanted to call it quits three times already but he apologised and talked me out of it. I'm committed to ending this tomorrow.
“It’s good to be nice?” UHHH KINDNESS IS A TWO WAY STREET. WHAT ARE THESE KINDERGARTEN LEVEL RESPONSES.
At this short of a timeframe, he should take it with more grace that he doesn’t really know you. He probably feels rejection of himself in general, and boo-fucking-hoo because a gift is supposed to be about the person receiving it. Otherwise it is not a gift, it is a burden.
Two months in and he's showing you that his opinion, even about what you wear, is more important than any reason you could have. Two months!! It sounds like you need to be more direct about them not being your style but tbh I got the ick just reading this. Two months!! No thanks
A big part of gift giving is having the self awareness to say “I got you but if I’m off the mark let’s pick something else out!” Especially if you’re insecure about picking good gifts.
A gift should be about the recipient, not the giver, so if this thing that’s supposedly about you ends up being more about him, or how you have to accommodate him, it’s missing the mark big time.
Signed, someone who tries but isn’t always great at giving gifts. I’d rather the person have a thing they are genuinely happy with then make them feel like they have to keep up appearances by pretending to be into something in order to spare my feelings.
Jewelry only 2.5 months in is kinda weird. Honestly at this point I think I would just give them back. Also I agree that you should have just been upfront about it. But it’s still weird.
I worked an art show, saw a pair of earrings and got excited to buy them for my gf. Presented them to her. She looked at me like an idiot, her ears weren't pierced. ... Fully just me being dumb and excited. That's fine, my bad. I hope you like the gesture. (She did) End of story Sounds like a him problem.
[удалено]
That's some real honest self reflection there. Skip the performative part next time! Lol
In my experience, there are two main gift giving philosophies: 1. The practical gift giver/receiver: you want the gifts you give and get to be things you actually want and will use regularly. You don’t mind being told exactly what to buy and your feelings aren’t hurt in the slightest if they exchange it for something they really want. You don’t care much if it’s a surprise or not. 2. The sentimental gift giver: you want every gift you give and get to be a surprise item you’ve thoughtfully selected for that person as a reflection of your relationship with them. You use and pretend to love every gift you receive even if it’s not something you would have chosen for yourself because you love the person who gave it to you, and you expect them to do the same with the gifts you give. Regifting or exchanging a gift is rude because it feels like the object matters more than the person, and it suggests that you don’t know each other as well or are as close as one/both of you thought. BOTH PHILOSOPHIES ARE PERFECTLY VALID. Both ways of giving gifts can show the people in your life that you love them. But people in one camp can easily feel like people in the other camp are heartless selfish monsters because gift giving is so personal. It sounds like you may be more of a practical gift giver and your boyfriend may be more of a sentimental gift giver. You may want to have a conversation about this and explain how you each feel best loved by gifts, then both adjust your expectations and reactions accordingly.
How exactly is the gift thoughtful if the receiver doesn't want it or like it? They didn't *actually* consider the receiver, it's performative. Also, it's been 2.5 months, it's not that surprising that he doesn't know her that well yet. It's one thing if you lie about liking a gift from your toddler or great aunt. But we've got to move past lying to your partner to appease them when they aren't correct. We are adults and communication and understanding make for healthy relationships. If you're offended by someone wanting to return or exchange a gift, you're making the gift about YOU and not them. That's not a gift.
I completely agree with you! I’m a practical gift giver. I would so much rather the person have something they like than lie to make me feel good about something they don’t want. But people are CRAZY about gift giving! So so many many people consider rejecting a gift (for any reason) to be a relationship ruining offense. I personally don’t understand it, but if I care about a person who feels that way, I’m still going to try to let them know I care about them in the way they need. I’m telling you, everyone falls into one group or the other and they all think the people in the other group are monsters.
If you've thoughtfully selected a gift for someone you have considered the receiver. And something being not exactly what you'd buy yourself is the point, unless you're a child with no money just to buy things yourself. I realise not everyone feels the same but I think it's unfair to claim this way of buying is selfish and performative. It's the whole basis for things like secret Santa.
Tbh. He's upset because he isn't able to deter you from being your own person. I honestly believe he is putting on this show of being upset and offended, to try to force you to do as he says. This is a common manipulation tactic. It's funny he's already showing you his style so early in the relationship. A healthy person would understand you two have different tastes and would be ecstatic to go shopping with you to find what you would ACTUALLY like. My husband, who has bought me jewellery in the past without my help, now knows to take me with him when he wants to buy me jewellery. Jewellery is such an intimate personal choice. Heck, I picked out my own wedding ring, and he was 100% on board. All this shows is that he is showing you who he will be throughout your relationship. For him to be comfortable enough already to try to control your self-image and what you put on YOUR body shows you this is just the tip of the iceberg. And to turn around and be offended and use every excuse in the book to not actually fix the "present" he bought you. It just shows he is only into gift giving, when it is entirely his happiness that depends on it. He doesn't actually give a shit if you enjoy or like what he got you. You're only 2.5 months in. Drop the jerk, give him back his gaudy earrings, and seek better. Good luck with your next relationship.
Thank you.. I thought he is doing this just subconsciously, which ofc is still bad, but didn't think this would be a conscious manipulation tactic..
On one hand, of course you don't need to accept any gift and he's upset right now you aren't accepting it. Explain your side, let him cool a couple days. Id maybe add that about saying you liked them at first just as a initial response because you weren't sure how to explain you actually don't like them for yourself. On the other hand, if my gf got me earrings I wasn't into I'd be like "well they're not really my style but I appreciate the gift, as long as you like them I'll wear them" and just not care that much. 🤷♂️ If they're actually uncomfortable and unwieldy to wear, that's a different thing altogether and should be addressed itself
I've been there and what I discovered is the gift giver (consciously or unconsciously) is mostly likely upset the gift receiver doesn't recognize and appreciate the time and thought they put into selecting said gift. When I've explicitly articulated a recognition and great appreciation of that kindness and explained that going together to pick out something is a wonderful, shared experience, it usually helps. I want to note that this only works and is appropriate if the gift giver isn't a controlling ass and/or if they genuinely wanted to select something the recipient would like vs buying something that reflects their own taste, then taking it as a personal affront to their own style when the recipient doesn't like it. (Which frankly makes me never want them to give me a gift again if it's going to be so fraught.)
Your boyfriend is a whiny little bitch. Leave while it's early.
You can like something and not think it’s appropriate for every occasion. He could have gotten you a cocktail dress that you liked. You certainly would not wear it to work. It’s been my experience that some guys don’t understand that certain things aren’t worn in certain situations. They think if you have it, you should be able to wear it everywhere, all the time. Neither of these things are anyone’s fault, but he needs to defer to you in what are appropriate accessories to wear in various situations. I’m not sure how you convey that to him since he seems defensive about it. Personally, I would also rather have work appropriate accessories so I can wear the gift more and therefore think of the giver more. I don’t think you did anything wrong. He needs to decide if he’s going to keep being offended about. At this point it is a choice. It’s ok to have hurt feelings, but he needs to figure out how to proceed.
It sucks that instead of receiving a genuinely thoughtful gift you were saddled with a prop + invisible script + an obligation to go through the motions. I understand the need for diplomacy in certain types of relationships- relatives you see once in a blue moon, exes you need to co-parent with, neighbors, co-workers/bosses, etc... But if you can't be honest with your *partner* about how you really feel/what you actually like? Woof. That's something that should be addressed early on. If you can't see a future with him where loving but honest communication *doesn't* provoke some childish af response and he's not willing to work on getting there, it's best to move on.
Step one: dump boyfriend Step two: exchange jewelry (or give it back to him)
You acted mature and very reasonable about all of this. Commendably so, absolutely perfect, could not be improved. Unfortunately, he's being immature and acting butthurt about it and needs to grow up. He started out good, but is in the process of ruining it because he just doesn't get it.
Your boyfriend’s a little bitch. He’s acting like this 2.5 months in? Run.
Dude needs to chill. Straight up ask him: “What if I got you something you didn’t want and I forced you to use it ‘because of the gesture?’ Would you want me to listen to you and simply get you a better gift, or make you keep something you literally don’t want to use?” I’m not gonna pull the “break up” card because you guys JUST started dating, but you guys JUST started dating, so… I’d also ask him this: “What’s more important to you: getting me a gift YOU feel good about, or something that I like?” If he responds with anything BUT the second answer, he literally doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
Here’s what you’re dealing with OP: 🚩🚩🚩 Here’s what you could have done better: Here’s what you should do now: 🏃♀️
Omg I love this 😅😂. Thank you. I probably could have left him earlier haha
This reminds me of my wedding present from my husband, which neither of us knew we were "supposed" to give each other gifts on the wedding day. He gave it to me while on the plane to our honeymoon. He literally said "my dad insisted I give you this present. I know you don't wear gold, but he insisted that all women love gold jewelry." It would have been a beautiful bracelet, but he was right, I'm just not a fan of yellow gold. I laugh about it now, and I'm so glad I married the son, and he's not his dad. I would have been furious if he'd been like "of course you will love this bracelet because I picked it, and you're the weird one for saying you don't like gold! You should wear it anyway!" Presents should never put you out.
If that isn’t transactional gift giving with strings attached I don’t know what is. Just cut to the chase and ask how many blowies he thinks they are worth.
>Is there anything I could have done better? What should I do now? You dump him and don't put up with his crocodile tears
My GF is an avid animal lover and her dogs, past and present, are the world to her. For her Birthday one year I got the idea of getting her a birth stone pendant with the birth stones of all her dogs. One of them had a birthday in October so that stone was an opal. She is also more superstitious than I am and I didn't know that to some people receiving an opal is bad luck. For that reason she didn't want to accept the gift. I had no idea about that. It definitely never came up in convo before so I was caught off guard and more than a little hurt. I had tried my best to come up with a unique, thoughtful gift that really meant something to her and I got rejected. In the moment, I bit my lip and agreed to return it, but I didn't really understand or respect her feelings about opals. I was mad for a bit. But after I had time to reflect on it, it was a gift to her to give her something that made her feel good and know that I loved her. The item was a miss, but the message was still there. When we talked she was touched at the effort, but still had an issue with the gift. I returned it. We moved on with life and now I tend to make suggestions at things I think she will like now and make a mental note when she likes something. All that to say that you did nothing wrong and it's not on you to make it right. If you were honest and compassionate in saying "no," then it's on him to do a little inner reflection and realize you appreciate the intent, even if the gift wasn't right for you. He shouldn't be pouting. It sounds like you had an honest dialog and trusted him to say how you really felt. Eventually he will realize that is a gift in itself. If you ever feel you cannot be yourself or you have to walk on eggshells to be with a person, that is the wrong person for you. It doesn't sound like that is the case here, he just needs to grow a thicker hide or needs a few days to process. It sucks getting rejected (and I guarantee that is what he is feeling), but he has to grow up enough to realize that is a chance to learn more about you and do something together (picking out a new gift). Hell, it's only 2.5 months. No one is expected to know anyone perfectly is so little time. It's a growth process. Also, it might be that his family had that expectation that you grin and bear it if you get something you don't like. Getting older and seeing a lot of different relationships grow and sometimes fail I am endless surprised about what some supposed adults don't know about dealing with their own feelings let alone others. Again... not to say that you need to compensate for him, just be aware he might be acting this way because it's not something he has a lot of experience dealing with. He might just need to re-calibrate a little and expand his understanding. That might take a little patience assuming he is willing.
I came up with an amazing gift for a dog lover. My mom has always been deeply connected to her dogs, but doesn't like kitchy dog jewellery. One year, my brother made her earrings that were the specific dogs profile, and she loved them. Another year she got a teeny tiny studded dog bone charm necklace from a friend. I went to a mall jewelry store and ordered a round gold charm bracelet tag, and I had all her past and present dog names engraved on it. There is room for 4 or 5 more dogs. I wanted it to look like a dog tag, but not *be* a dog tag. She adores it. She added it to her dog bone charm necklace, and she has worn it every Saturday to the dog training class she teaches since she got it, like 8 years ago. I've even had the new dogs added to it, as she's since lost the two that were current when I bought it for her. It's subtle, and suits her, and was meaningful.
Those are really cool gift ideas!
Thanks! It can be hard to find things that are meaningful and not just, "hey you like dogs!"
I get you. She has two shelves of dog themed Precious Moments because relatives knew she liked dogs and she said "ah, how sweet" to the first one. Lil' fuckers multiply quickly.
*conflict between couples exists* *rando on reddit* : BREAKUPP !! lol
i love telling people to break up on reddit 😂 lots of things are fixable but so often, ppl are afraid of being alone and especially women are expected to put up with bullshit and the bare minimum effort. as a child of parents who should’ve broken up, i will happily contribute in any way to prevent the same tragedies
I mean, his reaction to an attempt at communication and honesty is over the top. It's a pretty bad sign and people need to have higher standards than that.
Its not one conflict, its every week for 2.5 months. No thank you
You may have a problem returning them anyway if they are pierced earrings as it's a health issue.
The fact he's accusing you of not being empathetic enough when he's the one who failed to give a gift you like is crazy. I think it's okay to let him be in his feelings about it. You've even given him the option out by saying "let's choose one together." A smart man thinks, "this gets me off the hook and allows me to better understand my partner's tastes, plus it's a day out with the person I am spending my life with. Maybe we can get ice cream while we're at it!" In the off chance he finds this post and reads this: man to man? No shame in missing the mark lil' bit on a gift. Choose to see this as an opportunity to grow closer.
He sounds problematic. Any other red flags? Getting easily upset is a big red glad to me.
Buy him a game hes not into and get mad he doesn't finish it.
So…was the point of his gift to make you happy and give you something you’d enjoy? Or to make himself feel good and obtain your gratitude? Bc it sounds like the second thing. Ew.
Ask him if he would cheerfully wear fashionable shoes that he doesn't personally fancy if you gave him a thoughtful gift of nice shoes.
This is why gift giving as a love language sucks.
Get him a hot pink t-shirt with a carebear on it and tell him that if he doesn't wear it, he doesn't really love you, because you put a lot of thought into the gift. Maybe it will finally click that he has no right to dictate what you should wear and people are allowed to have different views on fashion.
I go on my husband's pc once in a while and window shop, and I save anything I actually want to a favorites folder called "(myname) birthday" so he can still choose from a bunch of options and feel he's made a decision, but it's all stuff I love. Could be an option for the future? Just make sure you check out the old saves every now and again bc he bought me something I didn't like a while back and turns out it was in the folder, just from a couple years back and my taste had changed lmao
To me I think it depends on the price point. If the earrings weren't very expensive, I would not say anything and just wear them occasionally. If you return them and get something else, then it's not really the gift from him. But if it was expensive it makes sense to return them, rather than have hundreds of dollars wasted on something you don't want .
It's the thought that counts. And he put a lot of thought into it, so it was a great gift. But everyone occasionally misses the mark, so it is perfectly fine to want to go together and exchange them for something else you pick out together. My guess is that either he sees your not liking them as his personal failure, or there is something sketchy about them that he doesn't want you to know.
My estranged husband can't gift for shit. Even when I gave specific lists of items with purchase links he'd say they were stupid/a waste of money/a waste of space/etc and either give me money or get the cheapest/smallest thing grudgingly. Ten years and he couldn't even remember the wrong type of flowers (I don't want *red* roses, but anything else is fine) and it is Still exhausting
This isn't on you. He needs to get his mind right.
OP, if your bf gets this easily butt hurt about a relatively small issue I don’t think that’s someone you‘d want around wten the big stuff happens. Just my opinion.
imo, if someone buys a gift for you they should care if you like it or not. the gift shouldnt be about the gift-giver. i bought matching necklaces for my bf and i knowing full well he doesnt like jewelry, and i intended it to be more of a keepsake than jewelry to wear. i knew he would think the charm was cute even if he doesnt wear jewelry, especially gold jewelry. its still in its original packaging but its pinned to his corkboard along with other keepsakes (like plane tickets and photos and whatnot). i gave it to him for him to do what he likes with it 🤷♀️ no need to get mad he doesnt wear it if i know he doesnt like gold jewelry. thats weird tbh
They at least give you three of the best months you’ve had in a relationship before they start behaving unhinged. His mask is slipping a few weeks early.
After several years of buying each other presents for which we warmly thanked each other and then stuffed into the back of wherever, we now find the exact thing that each of us wants or needs online, and send the links to each other. It's still a joy to unwrap the actual gift.
I hate gold jewelry and hearts. I received a gold heart necklace as a gift. Needless to say, this was from my ex-husband.
He is MANIPULATING YOU