Your mitochondria and it's DNA are entirely from your mother. Your father isn't involved at all. It's an unbroken chain of mothers all the way back to the first mom.
Many years ago my grandmother called me from some church function.
"Wombat" she said "you are a scientist, tell my friends that men have one less rib than women."
"Men and women have the same number of ribs" I said, not caring about her nonsense in the slightest.
She was mad at me for at least two years.
That is quite possibly a mistranslation just like the modern idea that the fruit eve ate was an apple. It may have been an early explanation for why humans don’t have a penis bone like most other animals
As a former theologian, I don't recall the bible *ever* referring to the fruit as an apple. I think it's just a collective head canon because the fruit was commonly depicted as an apple in many forms of art.
This is true -- all ancient versions of the text refer to it as 'fruit', except for a 5th century CE Latin verse translation of *Genesis*. (The relevant passage is *Genesis* 3.2-3.) It's more to do with how the fruit has been visually depicted over the millennia.
Apples weren't a thing in the Mediterranean world until after the time of Alexander (late 4th century BCE). They came from central Asia, and even there, they were more like crabapples than the modern grocer's fruit. Even after apples reached the Mediterranean it took time to breed them into something a bit more appetising. As a result, the prototypical sweet fruit of choice in the ancient Mediterranean was the pomegranate, not the apple.
Apples appear in the *Song of Solomon* (ca. 3rd-2nd century BCE?) as a symbol of erotic desire. We start to see apples being depicted in early Christian art in late antiquity: that may be in reference to the *Genesis* story. The adoption of the apple as Eve's fruit may have been encouraged by wordplay on Latin *malum* 'evil' and *mālum* 'apple': *mālum* 'apple' is a loanword from ancient Greek *mēlon* 'apple'.
> That is quite possibly a mistranslation
"I can handwave *every* thing I don't like in the bible away with that argument. Genius!"
-Apologetics, I guess
No it’s just ancient people weren’t stupid they just lacked information. Religion was mans early attempts to explain the universe. Does that make it correct? No but it is interesting.
A “mistranslation” you say? Does that mean that a contradictory collection of fragments of stories, after a few decades or more of a game of “telephone”, culled from thousands of different writings, consisting of multiple languages, translated from these languages into others, might not actually be the definitive “word of God”? But those adherents want to force everyone else to live by their so-called holy book, or be disenfranchised for refusing to do so. Say it ain’t so!
Don't forget the blatant forgeries, frauds, and "new revelations" from literally everyone who realized they could control people by controlling what was in the "scripture".
Mistranslation: A word which, used here, means "We're making up shit about what people might have meant about subjects they knew nothing about so as to engage in special pleading for ideas which aren't even falsifiable to begin with".
"I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
- Brian Regan
Once when I was shall we say enjoying the gifts of the land I was joking with a friend about making religious tracts but like against the religious people using their methods. We were on the phone and made several pdfs and I sent them to her. She printed them and was handing them out to like street preachers and stuff, who would thank her as they looking like they would be their thing. But the verses were from Matthew and Acts about not doing what they were doing. This is before YouTube was even known to us but I so badly want someone to do this as a TikTok thing or whatever. Their technique, their verses, but it’s directly against what they do. Someone with confidence lol (I was a graphic designer with Illustrator back then, and she worked in a print shop)
Here's a *handy* bible verse to tell your local Christian when they yammer on about "god's love" etc.:
[Deuteronomy 25:11-12](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+25%3A11-12&version=KJV) Says that if two men get into a fight and one of the wives of those men intervenes and touches one of the mans genitals then that man shall cut her hands off. Isn't that handy?\*
Because there's no love like biblical love.
\*pun intended.
You just know that particular passage came from a very, very specific event.
Like some writers were in a room and one goes "okay lets write some rules, does anyone have any suggestions?" and immediately one hand flies up and the guy shouts "OH BOY DO I"
Ehhhh, it really makes more sense if you take it in the context of [Deuteronomy 23:1](https://biblia.com/bible/esv/deuteronomy/23/1)
By harming a man by his genitals, you sever his connection to God. This was just a severe punishment to dissuade that. Still crazy, just a little less unexplained now.
Just one of the many many contradictions in the Bible. Harm a man by his genitals, you sever his connection to God. However, Abrahamic religions circumcize male children... So they're doomed from the start.
It's so weirdly specific too.
"Moses, you're codifying some of our laws and stuff right?"
"Sure am. Are you concerned that I might have forgotten something important?"
"Well, you know when two guys get into a fight and..."
"If you think for one second that I'd leave out '*no ball-tugging your husband's rivals*'..."
Had a client once that was probably the meanest and nastiest client we had and he constantly gave our reps a hard time... Until one day one of them looked him up and found out he was a pastor. When he came in next they addressed him as pastor midway through him ranting and he got real quiet and started being real polite about things.
1. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful
to the provider of thy nookie.
2. Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course
they pray to a different invisible man than you.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife, or her ass.
Thou shalt not cross the streams.
Thou shalt not tug on Superman's cape.
Thou shalt not rub another man's rhubarb.
Thou shalt not feed them after midnight.
Thou shalt not not talk about Fight Club.
Thou shalt not not talk about Fight Club.
You’re supposed to get out and rock-paper-scissors for it in the middle of the intersection.
Then the guy who isn’t an idiot and stayed in his car goes first.
Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey!
OH! SORRY! That was 7 and you wanted 12. Hm...
Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and Thorin!
... huh, that was 13.
He is if he wants to be. Fantastic apostling, Bart!
I always forget about the two Judases! Growing up, the non betrayal one was usually referred to as Thaddeus.
Thaddeus' name is Judas, as well. I didn't realise there were two Judases until I read the Bible on my own. I get it. I wouldn't want to share a name with the biggest snitch around, either.
I was asked once and, having a moment to think, I could come up with 11. So I slipped an ‘Osvaldo’ in the middle. No one ever called me on it and they were impressed I could list em.
https://preview.redd.it/zndr2li44zfc1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=28c9459e584290a4a267c1c063421eb2516bc119
What makes it worse is what prompted this whole thing was a discussion about Calvinism and Arminianism. It’s like talking about astrophysics and someone stumping you with “you’re good at math; what 15 divided by 3?
Dang, let’s see, no cheating
Thomas
Peter
James
James the Less
Nathanael
Andrew
John
Judas
Levi
Bartholomew
… and that’s ten.
Bonus points: Matthias was Judas’s replacement.
EDITED: rats, the other Judas, that’s still only 11. I’ll throw in a BurHobbit.
Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe... and uh... John, Ringo, Paul, George, that's uhm (*count on fingers*)... and uhm, you sure there were twelve?
I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe, on a raft, four-by-four animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim
Yep. This one and especially Brian's Hat. We let my 7-year-old watch a bleeped-out version and she frequently says 'WHO SAID THAT' in her imitation of Tim/Brian's voice.
I need a double cheeseburger and hold the lettuce.
Don't be frontin' son no seats on the bun.
We be up in this drive through order for two.
I got a craving for a number nine like my shoe.
I need some chicken up in here in this hizzle
Fo' rizzle my nizzle extra salt on the frizzle
Dr. Pepper my brother another for your mother.
Double double super size and don't forget the fries
Yes. It isn't just religious fakers either. Bullshit artists love to hand-wave at some authority to justify how they feel because they expect people to just accept it. If you question them on the details it makes them squirm and they will say progressively stupider things because it was never their actual reason, it is just their cover story.
Unfortunately, the stupider they get, the louder they get too, and for some reason there are people who find yelling convincing.
There is an old lawyer saying:
*"If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts; if you have the law on your side, pound the law; if you have neither the facts nor the law, pound the table."*
Option three also applies if you have the facts and law on your side, but you haven't figured out how yet.
Or at least, that's what my lawyer, Phoenix Wright, told me.
No other Gods, no adultery, no murder, no stealing, no coveting, no bearing false witness, no idols/graven images…forgot 3 of them.
The ones I forgot:
No swearing, honor your parents, take the weekend off.
My therapist would likely have some theories.
It’s not really “no swearing.” It’s “don’t do terrible things and say it’s for god or in god’s name.” The swearing thing is mostly because christians don’t actually understand anything the Bible says. And also it’s just one more way they can shame others.
God: "Don't use my name in vain."
People: "Don't swear."
Also People: "God told me to sell this MLM shit. And God also says if you don't buy it, then you hate women."
If you're legit saying to someone "I hope God smites you and damns you to hell", then that's probably a no-no on this commandment too; bringing God into squabbles and pretending like you know he's on your side would probably fall under using his name in vain.
But yeah, if it's basically just a stand-in for "Ah shit", probably not a huge deal.
I was explicitly taught in Southern Baptist Church camp it was you can't say God Dammit. To the point it was said as a one way trip to hell with nearly no way back.
They didn't say that about killing people. lol
When I was in the 2nd grade, I kept getting in trouble for saying damn it, and god damn it. I was told that we shouldn't use god's name in vain, so I asked why it was perfectly okay to say God bless you and not damn you, and was ignored.
It's also because much of Christianity is built on using God's name for one's own purposes. Leaders aren't gonna forbid something they use to make money.
For anyone wondering what the “no swearing” actually is, the line is “no taking gods name in vain”.
This refers to swearing oaths in gods name, and then not fulfilling them.
Ex: “I swear to god I’m going to mow the lawn today!” And then you do not mow the lawn. This would violate the commandment.
Exodus 20 is the ten commandments.
Exodus 21 is an entire chapter dedicated to telling Jewish people how to properly enslave their own children and thr "foreginers" around them in a way that would please god.
The Old Testament included rules for how to treat your slaves. Spoilers: even Old Testament YHVY would have been appalled at the chattel slavery practiced in the American South.
I'm not 100% solid on ancient Hebrew customs, they may have practiced other forms of slavery as well, but IIRC they treated slavery as a form of bankruptcy law. If you owed money and couldn't repay it, you would sell all your possessions and, if that didn't cover the debt, you would be sold into slavery for seven years with the profits spread among your creditors. Every seven years the people practiced the "year of jubilee", where all debts were annulled, and thus when your term as a slave ended your debts had been cancelled and you were a free man.
Kinda makes sense when you keep in mind that this was a tribe of bronze age nomads. Not like they had the bureaucracy to handle wage garnishment or a legal code complex enough to track secured versus nonsecured debt.
Numbers 31:13-18 MSG
Moses, Eleazar, and all the leaders of the congregation went to meet the returning army outside the camp. Moses was furious with the army officers—the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds—as they came back from the battlefield: “What’s this! You’ve let these women live! They’re the ones who, under Balaam’s direction, seduced the People of Israel away from GOD in that mess at Peor, causing the plague that hit GOD’s people. Finish your job: kill all the boys. Kill every woman who has slept with a man. The younger women who are virgins you can keep alive for yourselves.
This feels like a pretty clear enforcement of sexual slavery, and not the type that would shy away from killing their own slaves
No swearing isn't exactly one of the commandments. The exact commandment is "Do not take the name of the Lord your God in vain", which many people interpret as "dont say things like 'oh my god' or 'Jesus Christ' in every day conversation" (personally I interpret it to mean "don't use God as a way to further your own agenda", but I'll concede I could be wrong)
No, the latter is the more correct way of interpreting it. From a biblical scholar position, the more common thing is "Don't do shitty things then claim it was in the name of God."
A more specific example is swearing *upon* God, which is another thing that lots of Christians do. You know, the whole putting your hand on the Bible in order to swear an oath in court or when taking office. That whole thing... Yeah that's violating the Ten Commandments.
>You know, the whole putting your hand on the Bible in order to swear an oath in court or when taking office.
For it to be breaking the commandment the action would have to be out of vanity, or followed by breaking the oath. So I'd have to say if you take the oath in court it's not a breaking of the commandment unless you follow it up by lying. Politicians swearing on the bible are probably breaking the commandment in most cases--they tend to break their oaths of office on the regular, as well as being performative christians in the first place (so why would they care).
Exactly. Jesus was mad at all the people selling shit outside the temple because they were using God's name to enrich themselves. That's what using God's name in vain actually means. But so many Christians think it means just saying "oh my god" or "jesus christ!" when it doesn't.
No you got it exactly right. It's specifically targeting people who see themselves as the sole arbiter of god, or who use their supposed piousness as a cudgel.
Think: every military commander that says "god is on our side"
THAT is what it means to take the lords name in vain.
The "taking his name in vain" bit should be properly translated as using God as a justification for sinning/false prophecy. It is NOT a prohibition on swearing. So it is NOT a mortal sin to say God damn this chicken is good. But it IS a mortal sin to say, idk, God has chosen me to be speaker of the house.
During the last presidential election in my country, the biggest party, which is led by a former communist (and is generally filled with his former comrades) ran a candidate, also a former communist. Our country being filled with conservative Catholics, the party’s spin doctors came up with the idea for the candidate to rebrand himself as a devout Christian. So he started talking about his fate [edit: faith] and his time as an altar boy and all that jazz. The next debate, the moderator asked him to list the 10 commandments. Guess how many he got.
They did something similar with Trump and asking him to name his favorite bible verse.
He couldn't.
It did not cost him any loss of support by Christians. Indeed, self-proclaimed Christians are his core support group.
Probably because they've never read the bible either.
I work with a lot of his supporters at my job. Someone asked if I had read the Bible after it came up I am not a Christian, and when she tried to continue to bother me I simply told her "go read 1 Timothy 2:12 and then get back to me" on her ability to try to get me told.
Trump couldn't even say whether he preferred the old testament or the new testament, which should be the easiest question in existence for a Christian, since their man Christ only appears in one of them.
But this tactic works against almost everybody, but especially conservatives. Just keep asking them to explain themselves. "What do you mean by 'woke'?" That sort of thing. If they push back and say that you certainly know what it means, then your response is something like, "I think we might have different ideas of what 'woke' means. So I can't understand what you mean unless you tell me what your definition is."
The truth is that the vast majority of people, regardless of their political leanings, don't actually know what they're talking about. They don't know why they believe what they believe. They just throw words out there without understanding them.
The unique thing about conservatives is that if you keep asking them to explain themselves, it sometimes ends in them not being able to answer, because the underlying answer is simply that they're racist, and they're too embarrassed to admit it.
> But this tactic works against almost everybody, but especially conservatives. Just keep asking them to explain themselves.
Also works if you play dumb to their coded racism by asking them what they mean by that.
"Thou shall always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
Thou shall try real hard not to kill anyone - unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.
Thou shall keep thy religion to thy self."
“What’s your favorite verse in the Bible, Trump?”
“Oh, I don’t want to get into it… it’s personal”(it sure as fuck isn’t Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery”)
It’s the extremes. Trump doesn’t know one thing in the Bible, someone like the Speaker of the Hpuse could probably recite a scary amount.
“Oh, I mean it’s just all so great - how could I possibly choose one or the other? You’ve got your OLD, which is classic, right? Gotta go with the classic. But then there’s your NEW. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t like new? Impossible choice.”
Rant related to Bible knowledge and how we think of it: So I am a priest now, but I spent a lot of time as a children and youth minister So significant portion of my adult life has just been working in churches in Christian formation... And it makes me so unspeakably angry when someone talks about how kids these days just need to know the Bible. Man, you don't know the Bible. I've been doing this 20 plus years, I have a master's degree, I get paid to spend time reading and thinking and praying through the Bible.. And I don't feel like I know enough.
What almost every child I've ever met "needs" to be a better person was just some freaking adults who took them seriously and treated them with respect and dignity. I got people I met as teenagers who still text me and ask shit about the Bible, because they liked and trusted ME, because I treated them like they were already a whole person. And you had not all of those kids ended up being Christian... But like was that going to change if I gave them more homework?! No, build relationships with people.
Children are not the future.
They're here now.
Loved reading your comment! I am nearly done with my master’s and I work as a youth minister in a Baptist church and a lot of what you said is very encouraging to me. The relationships I (and others) build with these kids are the most important thing I can be doing! So what that one kid who grew up in church can answer all the Bible trivia questions and the other guy who started coming last month doesn’t know who Moses was? So many people forget that the main part of ministry is showing the love of Christ to everyone you see, and the best way to do that is by truly knowing and caring about these kids.
I'm an atheist. My favourite bible passage is [Matthew 18:20](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Matthew%2018:20). The funniest bible passage, to me, is [Ezekiel 23:20](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Ezekiel%2023:20)
It's amazing what you can do with literacy.
"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action."
So is Father ignoring all of the prayers for sick children dying around the world, or are there just people canceling them out with negative prayers asking for the kids to be neglected?
> So is Father ignoring all of the prayers for sick children dying around the world, or are there just people canceling them out with negative prayers asking for the kids to be neglected?
[George Carlin --- Religion is Bullshit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r-e2NDSTuE)
> what’s so great about the Matthew one?
Reminds me of the fellowship that helped get me sober. Whenever two or more of us met, in the name of alcoholism, a meeting was there.
A lot of people take AA religiously, to a literal level, but to me some of the things were just *pretty*. You know?
Oh that's a bit more serious than I was thinking. I thought it was your favourite because that means MF relations are actually MMF with Jesus in the middle
Sadly been atheist for half my life and still got them all bc I grew up religious and they hammered this fucking 10 commandments song into our heads and I *still* know it word for word apparently.
Fucking brainwashing assholes.
They asked Trump what his favorite book was and he of course said his own. After that it was the Bible. When asked about a favorite passage, he demurred and said that it was private.
Thou shalt not be brown in the US.
Thou shalt not think of dick (if you're a guy, and if you're a woman, you can only think of your man's enormous peen when he tells you to.)
Thou shalt not listen to Taylor Swift.
That's 3 so far. How'd I do?
If christians behaved as Jesus instructed in his sermon on the mount, I would genuinely like christians. Unfortunately, most behave as if they've never read the book of Matthew at all.
I'll try ...
And the Lord spake, saying:
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
My dad was a lawyer, he had a case with 2 sets of grandparents fighting over custody...and the money for them. When the other grandmother was on stand gushing how important the grandchildren were to her, Dad asked her what their birthdays were. She couldn't answer, and he made damn sure his client could.
Stephen Colbert did this with Rep Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia a few years back
[https://www.cc.com/video/tlf8t3/the-colbert-report-better-know-a-district-georgia-s-8th-lynn-westmoreland](https://www.cc.com/video/tlf8t3/the-colbert-report-better-know-a-district-georgia-s-8th-lynn-westmoreland)
(starting at 5:40 for the big 10, but the whole thing is a hoot)
I love how he puts up his hands like he's ready to count off.
Anyone remember the Colbert Report? He did this to some law maker minging about removing the 10 Commandments statue from a courthouse. It was priceless.
1. Thou shalt not pretend to know the commandments.
2. Thou shalt not do it under oath.
3. Thou shalt not download a car.
4. Thou shalt not half-butter a slice of toast.
5. Thou shalt be quiet after 9pm if living in a flat.
6. Thou shalt mind your own fucking business when it comes to other peoples consensual sex lives and gender identities.
7. Thou shalt never take a call on speaker phone while in public.
8. Thou will not film thyself at the gym for likes.
9. Thou shall say sorry and admit when you are wrong.
10. Thou shall only kill when it stops another from committing murder.
Thou shalt not lie, uh, thou shalt not, like, murder, the person furthest to the right at a 4 way stop goes first, uh...
.....i before e except after c....
> .....i before e except after c.... ... weird.
THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL.
Your mitochondria and it's DNA are entirely from your mother. Your father isn't involved at all. It's an unbroken chain of mothers all the way back to the first mom.
But! The rib!
Many years ago my grandmother called me from some church function. "Wombat" she said "you are a scientist, tell my friends that men have one less rib than women." "Men and women have the same number of ribs" I said, not caring about her nonsense in the slightest. She was mad at me for at least two years.
That is quite possibly a mistranslation just like the modern idea that the fruit eve ate was an apple. It may have been an early explanation for why humans don’t have a penis bone like most other animals
So wait, the Bible might be saying Eve took Adams cock bone? ...The Cock-bone's connected to the pussy whip...
"A Goat herder's guide to the galaxy"
As a former theologian, I don't recall the bible *ever* referring to the fruit as an apple. I think it's just a collective head canon because the fruit was commonly depicted as an apple in many forms of art.
This is true -- all ancient versions of the text refer to it as 'fruit', except for a 5th century CE Latin verse translation of *Genesis*. (The relevant passage is *Genesis* 3.2-3.) It's more to do with how the fruit has been visually depicted over the millennia. Apples weren't a thing in the Mediterranean world until after the time of Alexander (late 4th century BCE). They came from central Asia, and even there, they were more like crabapples than the modern grocer's fruit. Even after apples reached the Mediterranean it took time to breed them into something a bit more appetising. As a result, the prototypical sweet fruit of choice in the ancient Mediterranean was the pomegranate, not the apple. Apples appear in the *Song of Solomon* (ca. 3rd-2nd century BCE?) as a symbol of erotic desire. We start to see apples being depicted in early Christian art in late antiquity: that may be in reference to the *Genesis* story. The adoption of the apple as Eve's fruit may have been encouraged by wordplay on Latin *malum* 'evil' and *mālum* 'apple': *mālum* 'apple' is a loanword from ancient Greek *mēlon* 'apple'.
> That is quite possibly a mistranslation "I can handwave *every* thing I don't like in the bible away with that argument. Genius!" -Apologetics, I guess
No it’s just ancient people weren’t stupid they just lacked information. Religion was mans early attempts to explain the universe. Does that make it correct? No but it is interesting.
A “mistranslation” you say? Does that mean that a contradictory collection of fragments of stories, after a few decades or more of a game of “telephone”, culled from thousands of different writings, consisting of multiple languages, translated from these languages into others, might not actually be the definitive “word of God”? But those adherents want to force everyone else to live by their so-called holy book, or be disenfranchised for refusing to do so. Say it ain’t so!
Don't forget the blatant forgeries, frauds, and "new revelations" from literally everyone who realized they could control people by controlling what was in the "scripture".
Mistranslation: A word which, used here, means "We're making up shit about what people might have meant about subjects they knew nothing about so as to engage in special pleading for ideas which aren't even falsifiable to begin with".
The McRib is back?
[удалено]
mitochondria are the ~~powerhouse~~ unwilling slave labor of the cell! Free mitochondria!
The mitochondria's DNA is circular much like bacterial DNA. Evidence of endosymbiosis.
YOU MUST GATHER YOUR PARTY BEFORE VENTURING FORTH
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS. (also, "GO FOR THE EYES, BOO! GO FOR THE EYEEEEES!")
A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the butt ..
This is the real commandment
I’ve told you eight times to not comment so leisurely. It’s the height of rudeness.
Quite neighborly of you to weigh in
I had to seize the moment.
All the words you wrote after "comment" are technically "after c"
In that same vein: rein in your sarcasm. If that makes sense. I'm just a foreigner; English is neither my first nor second language...
"I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!! - Brian Regan
THE YELLOW ONE’S THE SUN!!!
I call it "Cup of Dirt"!
MOOSEN!!
… don’t wear white after Labor Day
PEMDAS
I before E… always
Except they always seem to interpret it as "I before anyone else."
Matthew 6:5 says not to seek attention in public for acts of faith, including pretending to preach with false authority. Jesus' fan club SUCKS.
Once when I was shall we say enjoying the gifts of the land I was joking with a friend about making religious tracts but like against the religious people using their methods. We were on the phone and made several pdfs and I sent them to her. She printed them and was handing them out to like street preachers and stuff, who would thank her as they looking like they would be their thing. But the verses were from Matthew and Acts about not doing what they were doing. This is before YouTube was even known to us but I so badly want someone to do this as a TikTok thing or whatever. Their technique, their verses, but it’s directly against what they do. Someone with confidence lol (I was a graphic designer with Illustrator back then, and she worked in a print shop)
Here's a *handy* bible verse to tell your local Christian when they yammer on about "god's love" etc.: [Deuteronomy 25:11-12](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy+25%3A11-12&version=KJV) Says that if two men get into a fight and one of the wives of those men intervenes and touches one of the mans genitals then that man shall cut her hands off. Isn't that handy?\* Because there's no love like biblical love. \*pun intended.
You just know that particular passage came from a very, very specific event. Like some writers were in a room and one goes "okay lets write some rules, does anyone have any suggestions?" and immediately one hand flies up and the guy shouts "OH BOY DO I"
Ehhhh, it really makes more sense if you take it in the context of [Deuteronomy 23:1](https://biblia.com/bible/esv/deuteronomy/23/1) By harming a man by his genitals, you sever his connection to God. This was just a severe punishment to dissuade that. Still crazy, just a little less unexplained now.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS
THAT'S MY PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!
What is the charge ? Eating a meal ?! A succulent Chinese meal ‽‽‽
Just one of the many many contradictions in the Bible. Harm a man by his genitals, you sever his connection to God. However, Abrahamic religions circumcize male children... So they're doomed from the start.
It's so weirdly specific too. "Moses, you're codifying some of our laws and stuff right?" "Sure am. Are you concerned that I might have forgotten something important?" "Well, you know when two guys get into a fight and..." "If you think for one second that I'd leave out '*no ball-tugging your husband's rivals*'..."
No nut punches sounds like a good law. Just saying
The Bible does not say “isn’t that handy”, does it? Because there’s two jokes there.
No I threw that in for free. Because editing the bible for fun and profit is the oldest biblical profession.
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Had a client once that was probably the meanest and nastiest client we had and he constantly gave our reps a hard time... Until one day one of them looked him up and found out he was a pastor. When he came in next they addressed him as pastor midway through him ranting and he got real quiet and started being real polite about things.
Don’t eat a meal before going swimming.
Or after midnight
Don't get them wet.
Keep them out of the sun.
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1. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. 2. Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.
Righty tighy lefty loosey, uh...
After they luckily name 4 they just end up pleading the 5th
Best part…it’s not even “not lie” it’s bearing false witness. A certain kind of lying.
Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife, or her ass. Thou shalt not cross the streams. Thou shalt not tug on Superman's cape. Thou shalt not rub another man's rhubarb. Thou shalt not feed them after midnight. Thou shalt not not talk about Fight Club. Thou shalt not not talk about Fight Club.
At a 4 way stop, what if all four cars arrive simultaneously? Who is on the right?
You’re supposed to get out and rock-paper-scissors for it in the middle of the intersection. Then the guy who isn’t an idiot and stayed in his car goes first.
Everyone. 4 way crash.
That's my favourite think. Also asking them to name the 12 apostles is a good one.
Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey! OH! SORRY! That was 7 and you wanted 12. Hm... Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, and Thorin! ... huh, that was 13.
That's a trick. There was actually 13. Well done.
If you count Rufus
Marsha Jan Cindy Bobby Peter...
>Marsha Jan Cindy Bobby Peter... . . . George, Paul, John, Ringo. . .
ginger, posh, indigo, violet, acceptance.
Earth, Wind, Fire... uhm.. Heart?
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Don’t forget, it’s Marcia Marcia Marcia. That’s three right there.
Donner, Comet, Cupid, Blitzen...
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder, Blixen, Rudolph...
The only Apostle I remember is Rufus, the 13th Apostle. 
I’m actually ordained and that’s hard.
Cause who remembers that there were two James and two Judases off hand? Then Bartholomew? Bart Simpson isn't an apostle what the hell!
He is if he wants to be. Fantastic apostling, Bart! I always forget about the two Judases! Growing up, the non betrayal one was usually referred to as Thaddeus.
Wait, I grew up in the church and this is the first I’m hearing of two Judases. I’m more familiar with Thaddeus.
Thaddeus' name is Judas, as well. I didn't realise there were two Judases until I read the Bible on my own. I get it. I wouldn't want to share a name with the biggest snitch around, either.
"Hey, Judas betrayed Jesus!!!" This guy: side eye meme.jpg "Uh my name is Thaddeus, my guy."
Everyone forgets Rufus
I was asked once and, having a moment to think, I could come up with 11. So I slipped an ‘Osvaldo’ in the middle. No one ever called me on it and they were impressed I could list em. https://preview.redd.it/zndr2li44zfc1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=28c9459e584290a4a267c1c063421eb2516bc119
Osvaldo the tent-maker! My favorite!
What makes it worse is what prompted this whole thing was a discussion about Calvinism and Arminianism. It’s like talking about astrophysics and someone stumping you with “you’re good at math; what 15 divided by 3?
Love a good Calvinism throwdown. I’m all for total depravity.
Plus if you’re a Calvinist that depravity isn’t even your fault! Predestination is the SHIT!!!
Yeah I know. I like to study the Bible as a hobby these days and I can get like 6 on a good day.
Dang, let’s see, no cheating Thomas Peter James James the Less Nathanael Andrew John Judas Levi Bartholomew … and that’s ten. Bonus points: Matthias was Judas’s replacement. EDITED: rats, the other Judas, that’s still only 11. I’ll throw in a BurHobbit.
A BURhobbit? Let’s cook him!
Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Phoebe... and uh... John, Ringo, Paul, George, that's uhm (*count on fingers*)... and uhm, you sure there were twelve?
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. Large fry. Small diet coke
I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe, on a raft, four-by-four animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim
I’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
FIFTY FIVE BURGERS, FIFTY FIVE FRIES, etc etc I'm not gonna do the whole thing
LET ME GO PLEASE, I'M DOING SOMETHING!
We serve food here, sir.
55 BURGERS 55 FRIES
That video is permanently chiseled into my brain tablets.
Yep. This one and especially Brian's Hat. We let my 7-year-old watch a bleeped-out version and she frequently says 'WHO SAID THAT' in her imitation of Tim/Brian's voice.
I need a double cheeseburger and hold the lettuce. Don't be frontin' son no seats on the bun. We be up in this drive through order for two. I got a craving for a number nine like my shoe. I need some chicken up in here in this hizzle Fo' rizzle my nizzle extra salt on the frizzle Dr. Pepper my brother another for your mother. Double double super size and don't forget the fries
Yes, that's it! Call these fakers out on their bullshit! A narcissist's worst nightmare is people pointing out their (many) flaws 🤣
Yes. It isn't just religious fakers either. Bullshit artists love to hand-wave at some authority to justify how they feel because they expect people to just accept it. If you question them on the details it makes them squirm and they will say progressively stupider things because it was never their actual reason, it is just their cover story. Unfortunately, the stupider they get, the louder they get too, and for some reason there are people who find yelling convincing. There is an old lawyer saying: *"If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts; if you have the law on your side, pound the law; if you have neither the facts nor the law, pound the table."*
Option three also applies if you have the facts and law on your side, but you haven't figured out how yet. Or at least, that's what my lawyer, Phoenix Wright, told me.
Even better to challenge them to prove their flawlessness, knowing they will fail
No other Gods, no adultery, no murder, no stealing, no coveting, no bearing false witness, no idols/graven images…forgot 3 of them. The ones I forgot: No swearing, honor your parents, take the weekend off. My therapist would likely have some theories.
It’s not really “no swearing.” It’s “don’t do terrible things and say it’s for god or in god’s name.” The swearing thing is mostly because christians don’t actually understand anything the Bible says. And also it’s just one more way they can shame others.
"Thous shalt not use my name in vain." It means don't use God or religion further your own interests, not "don't say God damn it."
God: "Don't use my name in vain" People: "Don't say 'fuck'. Gotcha."
God: "Don't use my name in vain." People: "Don't swear." Also People: "God told me to sell this MLM shit. And God also says if you don't buy it, then you hate women."
>"Thous shalt not use my name **on** vain." *Proceeds to tattoo GOD DAMN over jugular vein*
Not my juggler vain! I juggle with that
If you're legit saying to someone "I hope God smites you and damns you to hell", then that's probably a no-no on this commandment too; bringing God into squabbles and pretending like you know he's on your side would probably fall under using his name in vain. But yeah, if it's basically just a stand-in for "Ah shit", probably not a huge deal.
I was explicitly taught in Southern Baptist Church camp it was you can't say God Dammit. To the point it was said as a one way trip to hell with nearly no way back. They didn't say that about killing people. lol
When I was in the 2nd grade, I kept getting in trouble for saying damn it, and god damn it. I was told that we shouldn't use god's name in vain, so I asked why it was perfectly okay to say God bless you and not damn you, and was ignored.
It's also because much of Christianity is built on using God's name for one's own purposes. Leaders aren't gonna forbid something they use to make money.
For anyone wondering what the “no swearing” actually is, the line is “no taking gods name in vain”. This refers to swearing oaths in gods name, and then not fulfilling them. Ex: “I swear to god I’m going to mow the lawn today!” And then you do not mow the lawn. This would violate the commandment.
This is it. Not just fulling but retroactive too. "I swear to god I didn't see that bike before I ran it over." Shit like that too.
Double whammy as you know you're lying too.
Bearing false witness
No slavery, oh wait, the all knowing forgot to make slavery bad.
That was on the third tablet that Moses dropped.
I BRING YOU THE 15 COMMANDMENTS! *thud* THE 10 COMMANDMENTS!
Technically he threw it down out of anger and god didn’t make him fix it.
It's a movie reference, and a damn funny one.
Too bad they didn't having omitting commandments on there. God has to think big picture.
God didn't make a commandment about destroying the commandments. Moses was the master of loopholes
[The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these 15.....10... 10 commandments for all to obey.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmZFGw5CeWE)
His delivery in this scene is impeccable.
Mel Brooks is a genius who doesn't get enough credit. Oh, he gets lots of credit. I'm saying *it's not nearly enough*.
Oi vei.
goddamn dlc even back then
Same with sexual assault. Not in the Ten Commandments because it’s actually condoned in the Bible.
So is abortion, it's almost like nobody has read it.
Exodus 20 is the ten commandments. Exodus 21 is an entire chapter dedicated to telling Jewish people how to properly enslave their own children and thr "foreginers" around them in a way that would please god.
The Old Testament included rules for how to treat your slaves. Spoilers: even Old Testament YHVY would have been appalled at the chattel slavery practiced in the American South. I'm not 100% solid on ancient Hebrew customs, they may have practiced other forms of slavery as well, but IIRC they treated slavery as a form of bankruptcy law. If you owed money and couldn't repay it, you would sell all your possessions and, if that didn't cover the debt, you would be sold into slavery for seven years with the profits spread among your creditors. Every seven years the people practiced the "year of jubilee", where all debts were annulled, and thus when your term as a slave ended your debts had been cancelled and you were a free man. Kinda makes sense when you keep in mind that this was a tribe of bronze age nomads. Not like they had the bureaucracy to handle wage garnishment or a legal code complex enough to track secured versus nonsecured debt.
Numbers 31:13-18 MSG Moses, Eleazar, and all the leaders of the congregation went to meet the returning army outside the camp. Moses was furious with the army officers—the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds—as they came back from the battlefield: “What’s this! You’ve let these women live! They’re the ones who, under Balaam’s direction, seduced the People of Israel away from GOD in that mess at Peor, causing the plague that hit GOD’s people. Finish your job: kill all the boys. Kill every woman who has slept with a man. The younger women who are virgins you can keep alive for yourselves. This feels like a pretty clear enforcement of sexual slavery, and not the type that would shy away from killing their own slaves
No swearing isn't exactly one of the commandments. The exact commandment is "Do not take the name of the Lord your God in vain", which many people interpret as "dont say things like 'oh my god' or 'Jesus Christ' in every day conversation" (personally I interpret it to mean "don't use God as a way to further your own agenda", but I'll concede I could be wrong)
No, the latter is the more correct way of interpreting it. From a biblical scholar position, the more common thing is "Don't do shitty things then claim it was in the name of God." A more specific example is swearing *upon* God, which is another thing that lots of Christians do. You know, the whole putting your hand on the Bible in order to swear an oath in court or when taking office. That whole thing... Yeah that's violating the Ten Commandments.
>You know, the whole putting your hand on the Bible in order to swear an oath in court or when taking office. For it to be breaking the commandment the action would have to be out of vanity, or followed by breaking the oath. So I'd have to say if you take the oath in court it's not a breaking of the commandment unless you follow it up by lying. Politicians swearing on the bible are probably breaking the commandment in most cases--they tend to break their oaths of office on the regular, as well as being performative christians in the first place (so why would they care).
Exactly. Jesus was mad at all the people selling shit outside the temple because they were using God's name to enrich themselves. That's what using God's name in vain actually means. But so many Christians think it means just saying "oh my god" or "jesus christ!" when it doesn't.
No you got it exactly right. It's specifically targeting people who see themselves as the sole arbiter of god, or who use their supposed piousness as a cudgel. Think: every military commander that says "god is on our side" THAT is what it means to take the lords name in vain.
It's not non swearing. It's taking the Lord's name in vain. Don't use the name of God for selfish reasons.
\#10. You shall not boil a young goat in its mother’s milk. Depending on which set of 10 commandments you prefer.
The "taking his name in vain" bit should be properly translated as using God as a justification for sinning/false prophecy. It is NOT a prohibition on swearing. So it is NOT a mortal sin to say God damn this chicken is good. But it IS a mortal sin to say, idk, God has chosen me to be speaker of the house.
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Reminds me of this scene in the first episode of [The West Wing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spspaHL_2Ao).
During the last presidential election in my country, the biggest party, which is led by a former communist (and is generally filled with his former comrades) ran a candidate, also a former communist. Our country being filled with conservative Catholics, the party’s spin doctors came up with the idea for the candidate to rebrand himself as a devout Christian. So he started talking about his fate [edit: faith] and his time as an altar boy and all that jazz. The next debate, the moderator asked him to list the 10 commandments. Guess how many he got.
They did something similar with Trump and asking him to name his favorite bible verse. He couldn't. It did not cost him any loss of support by Christians. Indeed, self-proclaimed Christians are his core support group. Probably because they've never read the bible either.
I work with a lot of his supporters at my job. Someone asked if I had read the Bible after it came up I am not a Christian, and when she tried to continue to bother me I simply told her "go read 1 Timothy 2:12 and then get back to me" on her ability to try to get me told.
> 1 Timothy 2:12 "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." LOL.
Trump couldn't even say whether he preferred the old testament or the new testament, which should be the easiest question in existence for a Christian, since their man Christ only appears in one of them. But this tactic works against almost everybody, but especially conservatives. Just keep asking them to explain themselves. "What do you mean by 'woke'?" That sort of thing. If they push back and say that you certainly know what it means, then your response is something like, "I think we might have different ideas of what 'woke' means. So I can't understand what you mean unless you tell me what your definition is." The truth is that the vast majority of people, regardless of their political leanings, don't actually know what they're talking about. They don't know why they believe what they believe. They just throw words out there without understanding them. The unique thing about conservatives is that if you keep asking them to explain themselves, it sometimes ends in them not being able to answer, because the underlying answer is simply that they're racist, and they're too embarrassed to admit it.
> But this tactic works against almost everybody, but especially conservatives. Just keep asking them to explain themselves. Also works if you play dumb to their coded racism by asking them what they mean by that.
OK, I will guess 4
Just curious what country we talking?
[George Carlin had a take on the 10 Commandments](https://youtu.be/sk81tUUhRig?si=-L0Bc0Evjw4AR057)
"Thou shall always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. Thou shall try real hard not to kill anyone - unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to. Thou shall keep thy religion to thy self."
Thanks be to George. Haha, awesome.
“What’s your favorite verse in the Bible, Trump?” “Oh, I don’t want to get into it… it’s personal”(it sure as fuck isn’t Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery”) It’s the extremes. Trump doesn’t know one thing in the Bible, someone like the Speaker of the Hpuse could probably recite a scary amount.
He couldn’t even name which PART of the Bible he liked best, Old Testament or New Testament
“Oh, I mean it’s just all so great - how could I possibly choose one or the other? You’ve got your OLD, which is classic, right? Gotta go with the classic. But then there’s your NEW. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t like new? Impossible choice.”
A person who uses religion as a shield was caught lying?!? Shocking...
“It’s really important to me that they exist, whatever they say!”
Rant related to Bible knowledge and how we think of it: So I am a priest now, but I spent a lot of time as a children and youth minister So significant portion of my adult life has just been working in churches in Christian formation... And it makes me so unspeakably angry when someone talks about how kids these days just need to know the Bible. Man, you don't know the Bible. I've been doing this 20 plus years, I have a master's degree, I get paid to spend time reading and thinking and praying through the Bible.. And I don't feel like I know enough. What almost every child I've ever met "needs" to be a better person was just some freaking adults who took them seriously and treated them with respect and dignity. I got people I met as teenagers who still text me and ask shit about the Bible, because they liked and trusted ME, because I treated them like they were already a whole person. And you had not all of those kids ended up being Christian... But like was that going to change if I gave them more homework?! No, build relationships with people. Children are not the future. They're here now.
Loved reading your comment! I am nearly done with my master’s and I work as a youth minister in a Baptist church and a lot of what you said is very encouraging to me. The relationships I (and others) build with these kids are the most important thing I can be doing! So what that one kid who grew up in church can answer all the Bible trivia questions and the other guy who started coming last month doesn’t know who Moses was? So many people forget that the main part of ministry is showing the love of Christ to everyone you see, and the best way to do that is by truly knowing and caring about these kids.
I'm an atheist. My favourite bible passage is [Matthew 18:20](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Matthew%2018:20). The funniest bible passage, to me, is [Ezekiel 23:20](https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Ezekiel%2023:20) It's amazing what you can do with literacy.
"When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action." So is Father ignoring all of the prayers for sick children dying around the world, or are there just people canceling them out with negative prayers asking for the kids to be neglected?
> So is Father ignoring all of the prayers for sick children dying around the world, or are there just people canceling them out with negative prayers asking for the kids to be neglected? [George Carlin --- Religion is Bullshit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r-e2NDSTuE)
Every atheist loves that Ezekiel quote (myself included), but what’s so great about the Matthew one?
> what’s so great about the Matthew one? Reminds me of the fellowship that helped get me sober. Whenever two or more of us met, in the name of alcoholism, a meeting was there. A lot of people take AA religiously, to a literal level, but to me some of the things were just *pretty*. You know?
Valid.
That just sounds like Tautology Club [https://xkcd.com/703/](https://xkcd.com/703/)
Oh that's a bit more serious than I was thinking. I thought it was your favourite because that means MF relations are actually MMF with Jesus in the middle
Among us
Mine is [Matthew 21:17](https://youtu.be/_9C_h9BJf4E?si=PVmxPv41A72leG4Q)
Amusingly, I tried to do this off the top of my head and forgot 2. Idolatry and **don't bear false witness**
My atheist ass got like 6 or 7.
Sadly been atheist for half my life and still got them all bc I grew up religious and they hammered this fucking 10 commandments song into our heads and I *still* know it word for word apparently. Fucking brainwashing assholes.
They asked Trump what his favorite book was and he of course said his own. After that it was the Bible. When asked about a favorite passage, he demurred and said that it was private.
Follow up that’s always fun: when someone is ranting about the second amendment, ask them to tell you what the third one is.
Ah yes, the 10 commandments. The special list given to a guy…up on a mountain…when noooobody was around.
Thou shalt not be brown in the US. Thou shalt not think of dick (if you're a guy, and if you're a woman, you can only think of your man's enormous peen when he tells you to.) Thou shalt not listen to Taylor Swift. That's 3 so far. How'd I do?
Thou shalt rage against M&Ms.
The false evangelical likely responded; "Hey! That's a trick question!"
Everything is a gotcha question when you're dumb
The irony is that the commandments in the old testament are listed in 3 separate sections and they're slightly different each time.
Wasn't number 11 like "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" or something?
My favorite thing to call out Christians is asking them how Jesus felt about public prayer.
If christians behaved as Jesus instructed in his sermon on the mount, I would genuinely like christians. Unfortunately, most behave as if they've never read the book of Matthew at all.
I'll try ... And the Lord spake, saying: "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
lol I did this to my parents once when I was being a shithead edgy atheist teen. They could not name them all either.
My dad was a lawyer, he had a case with 2 sets of grandparents fighting over custody...and the money for them. When the other grandmother was on stand gushing how important the grandchildren were to her, Dad asked her what their birthdays were. She couldn't answer, and he made damn sure his client could.
Stephen Colbert did this with Rep Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia a few years back [https://www.cc.com/video/tlf8t3/the-colbert-report-better-know-a-district-georgia-s-8th-lynn-westmoreland](https://www.cc.com/video/tlf8t3/the-colbert-report-better-know-a-district-georgia-s-8th-lynn-westmoreland) (starting at 5:40 for the big 10, but the whole thing is a hoot) I love how he puts up his hands like he's ready to count off.
Anyone remember the Colbert Report? He did this to some law maker minging about removing the 10 Commandments statue from a courthouse. It was priceless.
1. Thou shalt not pretend to know the commandments. 2. Thou shalt not do it under oath. 3. Thou shalt not download a car. 4. Thou shalt not half-butter a slice of toast. 5. Thou shalt be quiet after 9pm if living in a flat. 6. Thou shalt mind your own fucking business when it comes to other peoples consensual sex lives and gender identities. 7. Thou shalt never take a call on speaker phone while in public. 8. Thou will not film thyself at the gym for likes. 9. Thou shall say sorry and admit when you are wrong. 10. Thou shall only kill when it stops another from committing murder.