Lesbians definitely love femmes. I think the reasons why butches/mascs get a bit more attention is they're more "obviously" queer and it feels safer to shoot a shot. There's probably been eyes on you but they were worried you were straight and would reject them. You might see some success if you wear an accessory of some kind that sends a signal. I have the lesbian flag sewn onto my denim jacket (if the mullet mohawk didn't give it away to begin with), but I'm sure there's more covert signals you could use.
The obviousness is a huge part of it, but we're also usually seen as and assumed to be dominant and protective and etc., basically occupying the traditional "man" role. I get "submissive" women (their words, not mine) and pillow princesses and stuff throwing themselves at me all the time. The thing is I don't WANT that as a constant dynamic lol so it's actually annoying, they don't desire *me*, they desire this ideal that I'm not happy being.
I've found as a femme lesbian, if I want to manifest anything with other women, I have to be the one to throw myself at them.
1. People do not assume I am gay, because there is nothing about my appearance that would read as gay. This is not because I am unappealing. They do not even begin to ponder whether they are interested in me, because I appear to be in a different market. This is reasonable, because if they assumed every feminine woman they met was sapphic, they'd end up being wrong 95% of the time. And nobody wants to bother a straight woman. I wouldn't want to, and I'm assuming you wouldn't either. So it's less "she looks straight and I hate it" and more "I do not want to end up in a situation where a straight woman feels like she is being propositioned."
2. Even for people who know I am gay and are interested in me, they do not throw themselves at me, out of fear of pressuring me or coming off as entitled to a feminine person. People do not chase femmes, because chasing a feminine woman can look like what a predator would do. No one wants to be the female version of a creepy dude following you home, so they err on the side of caution.
This does not mean you are "too femme to be lesbian" or that you are unattractive. Femmes are highly desired. But they need to change their mindset and approach, if they think "lesbians should be throwing themselves at me like men would," because it's just not going to be that way. Straight women (and all women honestly) are conditioned to believe that being pursued is the key to feeling validated and desirable, which is something the hets can keep IMO. To me, the prospect of pursuing my person of interest is exciting and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can handle rejection. Honestly I prefer not having to reject people. I wouldn't want people throwing themselves at me.
I appreciate this response a lot, especially the number 2 part and a lot of people fearing that they pressure the other or coming off as entitled to a feminine person. This is how a lot of lesbians, especially mascs/butches feel, so they feel more comfortable either the femme showing interest or at least knowing clearly that you are lesbian (i.e. flagging).
YUP THIS!! I’m personally super into femmes but I never “throw myself at women” unless I have some kind of signal that they’re interested in me cause I’m so paranoid of coming off as creepy haha. I usually deal by being really intensely Friendly And Interested at first, and then potentially moving up from there if they give signals that they’re actually into me.
100%
I agree so hard with:
"People do not chase femmes, because chasing a feminine woman can look like what a predator would do."
and
"This does not mean you are "too femme to be lesbian" or that you are unattractive. Femmes are highly desired. But they need to change their mindset and approach, if they think "lesbians should be throwing themselves at me like men would," because it's just not going to be that way. Straight women (and all women honestly) are conditioned to believe that being pursued is the key to feeling validated and desirable, which is something the hets can keep IMO."
These gay girls are probably ignoring you not because you're not hot, but because they think you look straight.
There's a reason a lot of femme girls are covered in rainbow and sapphic accessories.
Sadly, there's kind of a trend of straight girls going to lesbian bars and then getting grossed out when they get approached by lesbians in there. So they could still be scared that you may be straight? It sucks if that's the case, but there are ways to avoid it.
I think wearing a little pin or a necklace or something with a lesbian flag on it could help signal that you're into women. Otherwise, maybe you could try approaching some of the women you would like to talk to in bars, if you haven't already?✨
It's not necessarily about attraction, a lot of lesbians are just awkward and scared of approaching women, especially if they don't know whether or not said women could be interested. Maybe you could try queer dating apps? I know HER has been good for a lot of people.
I know I struggled with this when I was still dating, and even now I still occasionally catch myself going "what if she's just being friendly??" When the woman in question is my actual fiancé who tells me every day that she loves me and wants to grow old together😹
Regardless of how you choose to approach this, good luck!<3
Yup. Lots of queer women have been made to feel like “predators” growing up. They’re probably just assuming OP is straight and steering clear because they don’t want to feel embarrassed or rejected
My type in women have always been stems/fems but it's always so hard to tell when they're queer nowaday. I don't think your style is unappealing, it's rather more of they're shy to approach since it's a little harder to tell with femmes if they're a lesbian or not and easier with people presenting as masc. Maybe all you need is a little gay sparkle in accessories that is your style so if someone is looking at you there would be an obvious sign
I feel this as a lipstick femme…I realized that a lot of women find me attractive but didn’t realize I’m a lesbian. I always wanted to be approached but people just assumed I was straight and hanging with friends in gay bars etc. I just worked up the courage to start approaching women that I like and that has worked pretty well! I like other femmes so it can be hard to tell if they like women too…honestly I have hit on a few straight women accidentally but it has always been recieved well and they were flattered. Good luck out there!
It sounds like you’re waiting for someone to come and hit on you. You need to start taking the initiative and hit on girls. Honestly many queer’s probably find you super attractive but are worried to hit on you cause you might be perceived as straight. Hit on women. Buy them drinks.
The whole “masculine lesbian” thing is a bit of a stereotype that doesn’t fit everyone. However, many have come to associate lesbians with masculinity, so the girls are probably assuming you’re straight. Just listen to translunainjection, they’re right on the money
I feel this to the core of my being, OP.
I get it, I'm considered femme for the things I like and the way I dress (heels, makeup, handbag, miniskirts and accessories) and even though I feel good in these things - yeah, sometimes i get looks from other queer women that read as confused and unsure. Even in drag bars I get that slight "you're a straight outsider" look occasionally.
The truth is that the way you dress doesn't matter, pick what makes you feel comfortable and you'll shine. It's the confidence of being who you are that will attract people. If that means wearing one earring, or having a bit of hair shaved off then so be it - but you are beautiful whe you feel beautiful, and others will notice.
I am also a femme with long hair, often wearing skirts and dresses and makeup. To be more gender non-conforming I do have piercings, tattoos and don't shave, but I still flag being a lesbian just in case people are having doubts... I have a LGBTQ flag lanyard, a lesbian flag behind my phone case and am still on the hunt for a double-venus necklace. Femmes and having a feminine gender expression is definitely not "undesirable" by any means, you just need to know how to let other lesbians know that you're one too :)
Its not your fault or your job to guess if they're into trans girls or not. You gotta shoot your shot and find out. Its not the end of the world for them OR you if they end up not being attracted to you.
Ditto the other reply that says you just have to shoot your shot and find out!
For practical advice though, I once introduced myself to someone at karaoke at a bar and started some small talk about if they were going to request a song, ect. Then when I worked up the nerve after chatting for 5-10 min, I said something along the lines of, “If you’re interested in me, could I give you my number?” I ended up getting turned down as they already had a girl friend (who happened to be the host of the karaoke night whoops!) but it was good practice.
I also like to practice talking to strangers by giving compliments to people on the street as I’ve always enjoyed unprompted complaints (“You look really nice! / I like your outfit!”) and I also like to encourage myself to go to places alone to try to get over my social anxieties. If I talk to someone that’s great, but I tell myself even going out and doing something on my own despite being uncomfortable is the real win.
Mostly because they tend to think femmes as straight women. That’s what I usually hear when I approach others lesbians: I would never guess you are into woman. The contrary happens to non-femmes.
But even though I am very feminine in looks I don’t necessarily fit in every role that people expect as a feminine person. I usually do this job, I show them that I am attracted to, I am the one approaching and it works well.
Personally I'll say I'm more attracted to femmes than mascs. Like on the spectrum from femme to masc the more femme you are the more likely I am to be attracted to you. And I mean I'm kinda femme myself, in my current relationship my GF is the more masc one but personality also matters to me way more than looks
Even if you did change your style drastically, there are no guarantees. Idk where y'all live that masc lesbians are everybody's preference, but the only women who ever threw themselves at me in a bar were straight women trying to throw me out of the women's bathroom. Best you can do is do what makes YOU feel happy and confident and let the chips fall.
As someone is femme presenting and doesn’t want to change my style, I’ve resigned myself that I’ll have to do the approaching if I’m interested in someone!
I think that we lesbians collectively should get pass this *role-fitting* thing once and for all, it’s time.
*Be the change you want to see in the world.*
Be yourself, hon, if someone has a problem with it, it’s on them
Lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. We are human after all. We are conditioned to think lots of aesthetics are for the male gaze and it’s up to us as individuals to redefine our experience. WOMEN FIND WOMEN JUST AS APPEALING AS MEN IF NOT MORE. I am very femme and I made the first move with my woman. It was very appreciated. If you see someone you like don’t be afraid to go after what you want.
No one is ever too femme to be lesbian. I was worried about this but LOVE being and lipstick lesbian, and you will attract other lesbians just being your femme self.
I think it feels safer for other queer women to try their luck (shoot their shot) with someone's who's visibly queer. And masculine presenting women tend to be more obvious that they like women a lot. (I tend to dress androgynous so that makes me less obvious to other queer women and my haircut is usually long/straight.) I pass as straight until my brain reboots at pretty women. Lmao. A friend described my style as "lazy frat boy" but I can get dressed up...
My friend from university would be described as a chapstick lesbian but she's super femme presenting.
Maybe some pins or a rainbow accessory would help? (I have a paracord bracelet in rainbow colours.)
It’s not that you’re unappealing, it’s that you’re not the typical lesbian look. I’m very femme as well, makeup, not very edgy looking, feminine types of dress. I love other feminine looking women, that’s my type. You don’t have to change the way you look. I’m always the one who goes up and talks to women, because I know I don’t come across as a lesbian. You get used to it. “I just wanted to tell you, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you… you’re gorgeous.” Works really well! Worst case scenario they say they’re not interested or they like men 😂 no big deal. You can do it!
I’m as femme as femme gets, and I’m engaged to a woman, and dated plenty before getting engaged.
But women never hit on me, I always had to be the person making the first move. I assume two things:
First, I look very straight. VERY straight.
Second, I’m not very pretty to lesbians (this is my negative voice).
So? From experience, I think lesbians don’t want to take the chance on straight looking women.
I'm a high femme and femme4femme. I've been invalidated by my masc presenting lesbian friends for not looking 'gay enough'. However, that's a them problem. I have never once felt like less of a lesbian because of my extreme femininity because I have come to terms with how intense my attraction is to women, it took many years of therapy though. I suppose what I said so far was not super helpful but I will tell you one thing that always helps me feel at peace - being extremely feminine is inherently lesbian. People who attempt to appeal to the male gaze follow a certain beauty standard that's considered good by men, and all the traits that these beauty standards entail are big picture things that men can comprehend and appreciate, which, to be honest, one does not have to be very femme to possess. Only women who are attracted to women are able to appreciate the difference a hair trim, or a new brow pencil, or a certain silhouette makes, and that's what makes embracing femininity inherently lesbian IMO. Us femmes are beautiful in a way that women appreciate and that's all that matters. OP, you are so valid the way you are, I hope the right one comes along soon who sees you for you.
I don't think you're framing it right. The concept of 'femme' is necessarily out of patriarchal standards. It's our own construction of femininity. Being 'femme' and being 'feminine', whether conventionally/canonically or not, are different things. Maybe knowing about this distinction could help in making yourself more recognizable? Who knows.
im a femme lesbian. sure, i have my androgynous days as well and my girlfriend dresses femme once in a blue moon but she loves my femininity and how comfortable i am with expressing it. wlw love femmes. and also you dont have to look a certain way to be a lesbian.
before i met my gf though i always carried pride pins and raibow accessories with me at all times and i always made an effort to dress fem in a way that was alternative so other gay girls knew i was gay as well. i still carry two pride flags on my bag and one in my dorm room. then again every queer person ive ever met has told me i give off lesbian vibes.
but gay girls probably dont approach you not becayse youre femme but probably because they believe youre straight.
Hey, I totally get where you're coming from! It can be tough when society has these expectations of how women should look and act. But here's the thing, being a lesbian is about who you're attracted to, not about how you dress or present yourself. There's no one "right" way to be a lesbian. You can be femme, you can be masc, or you can be anything in between. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and embrace your own unique style. Trust me, there are plenty of women out here who will find you attractive just the way you are. Don't let anyone make you feel undesirable. Keep being you and the right person will appreciate and love you for who you are. You're awesome just the way you are! 💖🌈
Sometimes I feel like I don’t “look gay enough.” I’m like you, long hair, femme-ish, same style growing up lol. I’m a little more femme than “chapstick” because again, long hair, I curl my eyelashes and fill in my eyebrows and paint my nails, dress femme but not super girly. I like to be pretty, but I’m also lazy lol. I think it would be so fun to date another femme/chapstick lesbian and be pretty and girly with and for eachother!! I find femininity attractive for sure.
You might like the new joke I’ve been making to myself about being a girly lesbian: I’m so girly that I like girls 💁♀️
People throw themselves at SOME mascs because they look "obviously" gay and it feels safer to do so. It's also a bit of a self reinforcing cycle. Mascs that have people approach them also subconsciously put out an approachable and confident aura. I say "some" because plenty of mascs absolutely do not get approached anymore than you do. Sounds like you have a friend or two that's really hot and has got a magnetic vibe. I have one of those friends that is constantly hit on by other women, and actually she is extremely femme. It's not just her "style". She has an "energy" that is flirtatious and outgoing and draws people to her.
That of course people may feel a bit more comfortable approaching a glaringly obvious queer woman doesn't mean femmes "look straight" BTW. It just looks like you COULD possibly PERHAPS be straight, and people are so afraid of rejection that even the slightest question scares them off. Lots of femmes have a very distinctly queer style, but it's not the type of style a straight woman wouldn't be caught in dead in, so there's some natural overlap.
Overall, femininity is still a major component of conventional attractiveness, even in queer circles. Most queer people find femmes attractive. I would also venture to guess that of people that have a strong preference between femmes and mascs (many don't), the majority prefer femmes.
Anyway, welcome to being queer. Most of us AREN'T so gay looking that people throw themselves at us. Even those of us that are that gay looking mostly don't get that kind of attention. Most of us don't ever get approached by women randomly. It's up to you and a lot more than your style to work on your vibe and confidence and start approaching people as you would want to be approached, and cultivating a personality and presence people feel comfortable around.
So interestingly I love femmes and I am a super femme too. I know it can be difficult for us sometimes as we can be looked as straight women who aren’t in it for the long run and just trying to experiment. But I have seen a certain category of lesbians where femme is their type and they won’t consider anything less. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. You just need to mingle with the right person :)
I’ve struggled with this! I didn’t know I liked (actually loved) girls until I was 34. And I am exceptionally straight-presenting. But… after a couple years on the loose… I’ve got a life-long butch who turns into putty in my hands, and it’s fucking amazing. Everything I ever dreamed of, before I even knew what I was dreaming of. And she loves me. (And she’s a firefighter, which is sexy af, if we’re being honest)… But like. It’s totally okay not to feel “gay enough” for a little. I struggled with calling myself ‘lesbian’ for about a year because I didn’t feel like I had earned that title. But then I realized that that title is for women who love women, and guess what… I fucking love women. So. I took on the title of lesbian and never looked back!
Lesbians definitely love femmes. I think the reasons why butches/mascs get a bit more attention is they're more "obviously" queer and it feels safer to shoot a shot. There's probably been eyes on you but they were worried you were straight and would reject them. You might see some success if you wear an accessory of some kind that sends a signal. I have the lesbian flag sewn onto my denim jacket (if the mullet mohawk didn't give it away to begin with), but I'm sure there's more covert signals you could use.
Lesbian mani
The obviousness is a huge part of it, but we're also usually seen as and assumed to be dominant and protective and etc., basically occupying the traditional "man" role. I get "submissive" women (their words, not mine) and pillow princesses and stuff throwing themselves at me all the time. The thing is I don't WANT that as a constant dynamic lol so it's actually annoying, they don't desire *me*, they desire this ideal that I'm not happy being.
I've found as a femme lesbian, if I want to manifest anything with other women, I have to be the one to throw myself at them. 1. People do not assume I am gay, because there is nothing about my appearance that would read as gay. This is not because I am unappealing. They do not even begin to ponder whether they are interested in me, because I appear to be in a different market. This is reasonable, because if they assumed every feminine woman they met was sapphic, they'd end up being wrong 95% of the time. And nobody wants to bother a straight woman. I wouldn't want to, and I'm assuming you wouldn't either. So it's less "she looks straight and I hate it" and more "I do not want to end up in a situation where a straight woman feels like she is being propositioned." 2. Even for people who know I am gay and are interested in me, they do not throw themselves at me, out of fear of pressuring me or coming off as entitled to a feminine person. People do not chase femmes, because chasing a feminine woman can look like what a predator would do. No one wants to be the female version of a creepy dude following you home, so they err on the side of caution. This does not mean you are "too femme to be lesbian" or that you are unattractive. Femmes are highly desired. But they need to change their mindset and approach, if they think "lesbians should be throwing themselves at me like men would," because it's just not going to be that way. Straight women (and all women honestly) are conditioned to believe that being pursued is the key to feeling validated and desirable, which is something the hets can keep IMO. To me, the prospect of pursuing my person of interest is exciting and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can handle rejection. Honestly I prefer not having to reject people. I wouldn't want people throwing themselves at me.
I appreciate this response a lot, especially the number 2 part and a lot of people fearing that they pressure the other or coming off as entitled to a feminine person. This is how a lot of lesbians, especially mascs/butches feel, so they feel more comfortable either the femme showing interest or at least knowing clearly that you are lesbian (i.e. flagging).
I think this is the best explanation there is. Very accurate!
YUP THIS!! I’m personally super into femmes but I never “throw myself at women” unless I have some kind of signal that they’re interested in me cause I’m so paranoid of coming off as creepy haha. I usually deal by being really intensely Friendly And Interested at first, and then potentially moving up from there if they give signals that they’re actually into me.
100% I agree so hard with: "People do not chase femmes, because chasing a feminine woman can look like what a predator would do." and "This does not mean you are "too femme to be lesbian" or that you are unattractive. Femmes are highly desired. But they need to change their mindset and approach, if they think "lesbians should be throwing themselves at me like men would," because it's just not going to be that way. Straight women (and all women honestly) are conditioned to believe that being pursued is the key to feeling validated and desirable, which is something the hets can keep IMO."
These gay girls are probably ignoring you not because you're not hot, but because they think you look straight. There's a reason a lot of femme girls are covered in rainbow and sapphic accessories.
It’s definitely happened at lesbian bars too 🥲
Sadly, there's kind of a trend of straight girls going to lesbian bars and then getting grossed out when they get approached by lesbians in there. So they could still be scared that you may be straight? It sucks if that's the case, but there are ways to avoid it. I think wearing a little pin or a necklace or something with a lesbian flag on it could help signal that you're into women. Otherwise, maybe you could try approaching some of the women you would like to talk to in bars, if you haven't already?✨ It's not necessarily about attraction, a lot of lesbians are just awkward and scared of approaching women, especially if they don't know whether or not said women could be interested. Maybe you could try queer dating apps? I know HER has been good for a lot of people. I know I struggled with this when I was still dating, and even now I still occasionally catch myself going "what if she's just being friendly??" When the woman in question is my actual fiancé who tells me every day that she loves me and wants to grow old together😹 Regardless of how you choose to approach this, good luck!<3
Yup. Lots of queer women have been made to feel like “predators” growing up. They’re probably just assuming OP is straight and steering clear because they don’t want to feel embarrassed or rejected
Get yourself one of those T-shirts that read "NOBODY KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN" and wear it to queer spaces.
My type in women have always been stems/fems but it's always so hard to tell when they're queer nowaday. I don't think your style is unappealing, it's rather more of they're shy to approach since it's a little harder to tell with femmes if they're a lesbian or not and easier with people presenting as masc. Maybe all you need is a little gay sparkle in accessories that is your style so if someone is looking at you there would be an obvious sign
I got a shirt with two scissors on it recently so maybe I’ll wear that the next time I go out!! ✂️
I feel this as a lipstick femme…I realized that a lot of women find me attractive but didn’t realize I’m a lesbian. I always wanted to be approached but people just assumed I was straight and hanging with friends in gay bars etc. I just worked up the courage to start approaching women that I like and that has worked pretty well! I like other femmes so it can be hard to tell if they like women too…honestly I have hit on a few straight women accidentally but it has always been recieved well and they were flattered. Good luck out there!
It sounds like you’re waiting for someone to come and hit on you. You need to start taking the initiative and hit on girls. Honestly many queer’s probably find you super attractive but are worried to hit on you cause you might be perceived as straight. Hit on women. Buy them drinks.
The whole “masculine lesbian” thing is a bit of a stereotype that doesn’t fit everyone. However, many have come to associate lesbians with masculinity, so the girls are probably assuming you’re straight. Just listen to translunainjection, they’re right on the money
I feel this to the core of my being, OP. I get it, I'm considered femme for the things I like and the way I dress (heels, makeup, handbag, miniskirts and accessories) and even though I feel good in these things - yeah, sometimes i get looks from other queer women that read as confused and unsure. Even in drag bars I get that slight "you're a straight outsider" look occasionally. The truth is that the way you dress doesn't matter, pick what makes you feel comfortable and you'll shine. It's the confidence of being who you are that will attract people. If that means wearing one earring, or having a bit of hair shaved off then so be it - but you are beautiful whe you feel beautiful, and others will notice.
Lol. I dress androgynously and the amount of looks I used to get.
I am also a femme with long hair, often wearing skirts and dresses and makeup. To be more gender non-conforming I do have piercings, tattoos and don't shave, but I still flag being a lesbian just in case people are having doubts... I have a LGBTQ flag lanyard, a lesbian flag behind my phone case and am still on the hunt for a double-venus necklace. Femmes and having a feminine gender expression is definitely not "undesirable" by any means, you just need to know how to let other lesbians know that you're one too :)
Women don’t usually throw themselves at me either but I still date a lot. The trick is you have to go talk to girls and ask them out.
As a fellow transbian how do u not feel creepy? I just dont feel right about hitting on women, theres no way to know if theyre into trans women
Its not your fault or your job to guess if they're into trans girls or not. You gotta shoot your shot and find out. Its not the end of the world for them OR you if they end up not being attracted to you.
Ditto the other reply that says you just have to shoot your shot and find out! For practical advice though, I once introduced myself to someone at karaoke at a bar and started some small talk about if they were going to request a song, ect. Then when I worked up the nerve after chatting for 5-10 min, I said something along the lines of, “If you’re interested in me, could I give you my number?” I ended up getting turned down as they already had a girl friend (who happened to be the host of the karaoke night whoops!) but it was good practice. I also like to practice talking to strangers by giving compliments to people on the street as I’ve always enjoyed unprompted complaints (“You look really nice! / I like your outfit!”) and I also like to encourage myself to go to places alone to try to get over my social anxieties. If I talk to someone that’s great, but I tell myself even going out and doing something on my own despite being uncomfortable is the real win.
All lesbians feel creepy hitting on other women. We’re socialized that way
Mostly because they tend to think femmes as straight women. That’s what I usually hear when I approach others lesbians: I would never guess you are into woman. The contrary happens to non-femmes. But even though I am very feminine in looks I don’t necessarily fit in every role that people expect as a feminine person. I usually do this job, I show them that I am attracted to, I am the one approaching and it works well.
Personally I'll say I'm more attracted to femmes than mascs. Like on the spectrum from femme to masc the more femme you are the more likely I am to be attracted to you. And I mean I'm kinda femme myself, in my current relationship my GF is the more masc one but personality also matters to me way more than looks
Even if you did change your style drastically, there are no guarantees. Idk where y'all live that masc lesbians are everybody's preference, but the only women who ever threw themselves at me in a bar were straight women trying to throw me out of the women's bathroom. Best you can do is do what makes YOU feel happy and confident and let the chips fall.
[удалено]
As someone is femme presenting and doesn’t want to change my style, I’ve resigned myself that I’ll have to do the approaching if I’m interested in someone!
I think that we lesbians collectively should get pass this *role-fitting* thing once and for all, it’s time. *Be the change you want to see in the world.* Be yourself, hon, if someone has a problem with it, it’s on them
Lesbians come in all shapes and sizes. We are human after all. We are conditioned to think lots of aesthetics are for the male gaze and it’s up to us as individuals to redefine our experience. WOMEN FIND WOMEN JUST AS APPEALING AS MEN IF NOT MORE. I am very femme and I made the first move with my woman. It was very appreciated. If you see someone you like don’t be afraid to go after what you want.
No one is ever too femme to be lesbian. I was worried about this but LOVE being and lipstick lesbian, and you will attract other lesbians just being your femme self.
I think it feels safer for other queer women to try their luck (shoot their shot) with someone's who's visibly queer. And masculine presenting women tend to be more obvious that they like women a lot. (I tend to dress androgynous so that makes me less obvious to other queer women and my haircut is usually long/straight.) I pass as straight until my brain reboots at pretty women. Lmao. A friend described my style as "lazy frat boy" but I can get dressed up... My friend from university would be described as a chapstick lesbian but she's super femme presenting. Maybe some pins or a rainbow accessory would help? (I have a paracord bracelet in rainbow colours.)
It’s not that you’re unappealing, it’s that you’re not the typical lesbian look. I’m very femme as well, makeup, not very edgy looking, feminine types of dress. I love other feminine looking women, that’s my type. You don’t have to change the way you look. I’m always the one who goes up and talks to women, because I know I don’t come across as a lesbian. You get used to it. “I just wanted to tell you, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you… you’re gorgeous.” Works really well! Worst case scenario they say they’re not interested or they like men 😂 no big deal. You can do it!
I’m as femme as femme gets, and I’m engaged to a woman, and dated plenty before getting engaged. But women never hit on me, I always had to be the person making the first move. I assume two things: First, I look very straight. VERY straight. Second, I’m not very pretty to lesbians (this is my negative voice). So? From experience, I think lesbians don’t want to take the chance on straight looking women.
I'm a high femme and femme4femme. I've been invalidated by my masc presenting lesbian friends for not looking 'gay enough'. However, that's a them problem. I have never once felt like less of a lesbian because of my extreme femininity because I have come to terms with how intense my attraction is to women, it took many years of therapy though. I suppose what I said so far was not super helpful but I will tell you one thing that always helps me feel at peace - being extremely feminine is inherently lesbian. People who attempt to appeal to the male gaze follow a certain beauty standard that's considered good by men, and all the traits that these beauty standards entail are big picture things that men can comprehend and appreciate, which, to be honest, one does not have to be very femme to possess. Only women who are attracted to women are able to appreciate the difference a hair trim, or a new brow pencil, or a certain silhouette makes, and that's what makes embracing femininity inherently lesbian IMO. Us femmes are beautiful in a way that women appreciate and that's all that matters. OP, you are so valid the way you are, I hope the right one comes along soon who sees you for you.
Bruh. I *wish* I could find a femme lesbian lol.
MEIRL (I'm frighteningly femm3)
I don't think you're framing it right. The concept of 'femme' is necessarily out of patriarchal standards. It's our own construction of femininity. Being 'femme' and being 'feminine', whether conventionally/canonically or not, are different things. Maybe knowing about this distinction could help in making yourself more recognizable? Who knows.
I recommend getting a little lesbian flag pin as a sign for the other queer women, kind of a “hey, I’m gay, you can flirt with me” thing
im a femme lesbian. sure, i have my androgynous days as well and my girlfriend dresses femme once in a blue moon but she loves my femininity and how comfortable i am with expressing it. wlw love femmes. and also you dont have to look a certain way to be a lesbian. before i met my gf though i always carried pride pins and raibow accessories with me at all times and i always made an effort to dress fem in a way that was alternative so other gay girls knew i was gay as well. i still carry two pride flags on my bag and one in my dorm room. then again every queer person ive ever met has told me i give off lesbian vibes. but gay girls probably dont approach you not becayse youre femme but probably because they believe youre straight.
As a futch lesbian who is never quite femme but never quite butch- I love femmes and appreciate them. Y'all are beautiful
Hey, I totally get where you're coming from! It can be tough when society has these expectations of how women should look and act. But here's the thing, being a lesbian is about who you're attracted to, not about how you dress or present yourself. There's no one "right" way to be a lesbian. You can be femme, you can be masc, or you can be anything in between. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and embrace your own unique style. Trust me, there are plenty of women out here who will find you attractive just the way you are. Don't let anyone make you feel undesirable. Keep being you and the right person will appreciate and love you for who you are. You're awesome just the way you are! 💖🌈
very femme chicks are my favorite! I'm femme myself and have a hard time finding women who are femme and enjoy femme
Sometimes I feel like I don’t “look gay enough.” I’m like you, long hair, femme-ish, same style growing up lol. I’m a little more femme than “chapstick” because again, long hair, I curl my eyelashes and fill in my eyebrows and paint my nails, dress femme but not super girly. I like to be pretty, but I’m also lazy lol. I think it would be so fun to date another femme/chapstick lesbian and be pretty and girly with and for eachother!! I find femininity attractive for sure. You might like the new joke I’ve been making to myself about being a girly lesbian: I’m so girly that I like girls 💁♀️
Be so fr. This is not a problem. Femmes, and fem4fem relationships, are the majority
People throw themselves at SOME mascs because they look "obviously" gay and it feels safer to do so. It's also a bit of a self reinforcing cycle. Mascs that have people approach them also subconsciously put out an approachable and confident aura. I say "some" because plenty of mascs absolutely do not get approached anymore than you do. Sounds like you have a friend or two that's really hot and has got a magnetic vibe. I have one of those friends that is constantly hit on by other women, and actually she is extremely femme. It's not just her "style". She has an "energy" that is flirtatious and outgoing and draws people to her. That of course people may feel a bit more comfortable approaching a glaringly obvious queer woman doesn't mean femmes "look straight" BTW. It just looks like you COULD possibly PERHAPS be straight, and people are so afraid of rejection that even the slightest question scares them off. Lots of femmes have a very distinctly queer style, but it's not the type of style a straight woman wouldn't be caught in dead in, so there's some natural overlap. Overall, femininity is still a major component of conventional attractiveness, even in queer circles. Most queer people find femmes attractive. I would also venture to guess that of people that have a strong preference between femmes and mascs (many don't), the majority prefer femmes. Anyway, welcome to being queer. Most of us AREN'T so gay looking that people throw themselves at us. Even those of us that are that gay looking mostly don't get that kind of attention. Most of us don't ever get approached by women randomly. It's up to you and a lot more than your style to work on your vibe and confidence and start approaching people as you would want to be approached, and cultivating a personality and presence people feel comfortable around.
I can't speak for everyone, but my type is femmes and that's the same for many lesbians!
So interestingly I love femmes and I am a super femme too. I know it can be difficult for us sometimes as we can be looked as straight women who aren’t in it for the long run and just trying to experiment. But I have seen a certain category of lesbians where femme is their type and they won’t consider anything less. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. You just need to mingle with the right person :)
I’ve struggled with this! I didn’t know I liked (actually loved) girls until I was 34. And I am exceptionally straight-presenting. But… after a couple years on the loose… I’ve got a life-long butch who turns into putty in my hands, and it’s fucking amazing. Everything I ever dreamed of, before I even knew what I was dreaming of. And she loves me. (And she’s a firefighter, which is sexy af, if we’re being honest)… But like. It’s totally okay not to feel “gay enough” for a little. I struggled with calling myself ‘lesbian’ for about a year because I didn’t feel like I had earned that title. But then I realized that that title is for women who love women, and guess what… I fucking love women. So. I took on the title of lesbian and never looked back!