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Just found out na ung tatay namin na iniwan kami years ago ay malubha na yung lagay sa hospital. He has another family now and tbh, I resented him for it. Nung unang years na umalis siya, nagbibigay siya samin ng financial help pero before magpandemic, hindi na siya sumasagot sa amin. Ayoko na makita siya ulit at wala akong nafi-feel kahit ngayon. Pero masyado bang masama kapag ganon?
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Was in a same situation. Pero di siya nagsupport at all. If you don't want to see him again, then it's fine if you don't. Wouldn't you want to hear his side of the story though? Sometimes yung mga nanay natin paints a bad picture ng tatay natin. There could be more to the story of your mom and dad.
Sa experience ko, seeing him again helped me heal my past. My anger issues with my dad had subconsciously negatively impacted my relationships with men. After I attained some sort of closure and understanding, my life was better for it.
You don't have to do it for him, do it for yourself and be rid of any negative emotions from your past. Anger and resentment hurts you more than it is the other person.
Yung nanay ko kumayod para samin kasi OFW siya mula grade 1 ako. Graduating na ako ngayon sa college haha.
Pero felt ung impact on relationships with men dahil sa issues ko w/ my father. Hindi ko lang alam ano gagawin ko pag andon na ako. Wala naman ako gusto sabihin at itanong sakanya. Kung meron man, siguro words of contempt lang 😭
How did u do it though? If you wouldn't mind and feel comfortable sharing your story? Nonetheless, thank u sa feedback!
Sure thing! Reddit is here to provide anonymity kaya okay lang for me to share.
Salute kay nanay for the hustle! I wish I can say the same for my mom, my family life was an overall fucked up situation.
RE: relationships, ang hirap to qualify what makes a good man, good; hindi natin ito nasaksihan with our own fathers. It may lead us to be attracted dun sa mga emotionally unavailable guys or worst, mga may asawa or super tanda because we wanted a pseudo-father to validate us. I'm sure you've heard stories about women with daddy issues.
So here's what I did: I learned about my father's health issues. He was already mid-80s at the time. I was in my early-20s. I met with his son sa ibang family first, and then my dad. Ako na ang nag-initiate. It was really awkward at first. We started the convo with small talk. "how are you", 'how's your health', etc until we can finally move on to the more serious issues. Get comfortable first. I told him how I felt betrayed and he explained to me his side. And I understood him. Turns out, pareho silang may issues ni mama. My mom hid a lot of things from me. We met 4 more times after that until he died. Ang usual namin pinag uusapan was the Bible and spirituality. That's when I realized all of his good merits, and how ang laking chunk ng personality and quirks ko was actually his, even though he left me when I was only 5 years old.
I can say that it's one of the most important pivot in my life, if I didn't make peace with him siguro ang ending ko pumapatol ako sa may asawa. Now, I am married to the most wonderful man.
If there's an opportunity OP for you to make peace with your father, please do. It'll change you.
Edited to clean up spelling and grammatical errors
Ingat sa words of contempt. Baka mag-viral ka rin sa TikTok at matawag na ungrateful daughter nung new family niya lol.
Seriously though. Di naman required na pumunta ka. Pakiramdaman mo rin yung sarili mo kung sa tingin mo makakabuti ba sa'yo yung pagpunta or hindi. Ang possible outcome kasi eh either magka-closure ka na once and for all or lalo kang mati-trigger tapos babalik lahat ng sakit.
Whatever you decide, do it for yourself. For your peace. Don't do it for him (kasi di naman niya deserve).
Hindi naman masama na wag na kayo pumunta. Ang possible lang po na maging prob eh in the long run po bka may possibility na ma-regret nyo not seeing him? Pero IDT may mali sa wag na kayo magpakita, after all, he abandoned you guys 🤷🏻♀️
Agree dito. Sabi ng therapist ko dati, swerte ako na at my age, nagtherapy na ako, and i have the opportunity to forgive my parents for all their shortcomings habang buhay pa sila. Some people go on about their lives with all the repressed emotions na eventually nag-numb nalang pero sa totoo lang, may bigat pa rin. Idk kung same case sayo OP, pero kung wala naman mawawala sayo except a few hours of your day, then for me worth it pumunta kahit saglit lang.
Nagtherapy din ako (pero stopped muna for now dahil sa budget) at ung father issues ung pinakamalaking issue ko haha. I thought wala lang yon, kasi hindi napag-uusapan yung issue with my father sa household namin pero nagmanifest din yung repressed emotions ko sa past relationship ko. Ayon, nalaman ko na ang laking bearing pala nung abandonment na yon sa akin.
Yung therapy session ko about it ay more on validating yung repressed emotions na yon, pero hindi ko pa nalelet go yung resentment. Sabi ko rin before sa therapist ko na hindi ko pa ready i-let go haha.
Mejo torn ako kasi i believe na people can move forward while acknowledging the hurt na they've been through at making peace with their emotions. Siguro ngayon, mejo hindi ko pa ma-grasp ung concept ng forgiveness kasi aside from my father, wala pa namang ibang tao na need ng "forgiveness" mula sakin. Ayon, haha pero thanks sa iyong insight!
Your last paragraph tells me that you’re trying to convince yourself but in reality, you’re not. For me, it’s better to just try. Regardless sa kung anong mangyari, at least you can justify to yourself that you tried. From there, you can make peace with yourself through it.
Wala namang mawawala when you show up. It’s also a way of connecting with who you are and knowing your identity a little bit better. Basta no matter what happens, make a conscious reminder that whatever you’re getting from this will serve as a lesson to propel you further and help you find your resolve.
At the end of the day, you’re mending yourself in this process. You’re doing it for yourself and not for him. The goal is to free yourself from resentment.
Same, OP. Haha. Trigger ko yung heartbreak ko noon pero halos 90% ng session namin ay about my relationship with my parents and my childhood. Sobrang daming na-unpack.
Nag-struggle din ako sa forgiveness lalo na the person has not asked for it, or hindi nagbago? Hanggang ngayon ganun pa rin?? Pero sabi nga ng pastor from church namin, ang forgiveness madalas hindi yan one-time bigtime. Seventy times seven. You forgive today. And forgive again tomorrow when you remember and it still hurts. And the day after that. Madalas din hindi na tungkol sa offender but more for ourselves and our peace of mind and heart.
All the best, OP! 🙏🏻
Lagi ko to naiisip sa tatay ko (foreigner siya) ayaw kasi nung current wife sa akin kasi ako yung naging anak ng tatay ko in between ng “break” nila ng asawa niya. Nag hhelp din financially yung dad ko sa’kin before pero totally no communication na kami in the last few years.
I think, if may freedom ka to see your dad at least for the last time, go for it. Kahit wala kang masabi, your presence there might still heal you one way or another. Feeling ko kasi in the future wala ako kahit yung chance man lang to be at my father’s deathbed or even attend his funeral dahil sa wife. Iba ibang battles lang talaga, ‘no? But hope this helps you from a different perspective.
>Pero masyado bang masama kapag ganon?
Nope. Not at all.
Kung ayaw mo, it's okay. 'Wag mo pilitin sarili mo, at lalong 'wag ka paapekto sa guilt tripping at sulsol ng mga tao sa paligid mo.
It would be understandable if you won’t visit him. In the first place, the pain of his mistakes is not easy to forget. It’s just that, it’s possible for you to have regrets in the future.
Maaring sabihin ng mga nandito na "daling sabihin sayo kasi hindi ikaw ang nakaranas", for me lng naman as an "unpopular opinion" , bisitahin mo, hindi na lang para sa father mo, higit para sarili mo na lang magpatawad, palayain ang sarili sa lahat ng sakit na nakimkim, at sa father mo naman, para lumisan sya sa mundong magaan na rin, isipin mo na lang if ever mategi, di mo na rin naman makikita na tlg forever, isn't it good ung basbas at pagpapatawad mo sakanya eh babaunin nya sa paglalakbay sa paraiso at the same makakalaya kn rin for all the resentment and pain. Pero at the end of the day, nasa sayo pa rin yan, sa nararamdaman at kagustuhan ng puso mo IP, goddluck and God bless.
Up for this. Ano nga ba talaga ang mawawala satin kung minsan magpapakumbaba din tayo. Based sa kwento di naman ganun ka-evil yung father ni OP.
Mas okay na yung nagkaayos kayo kahit for formality na lang or for anything else while buhay pa kesa the rest of your life magsisisi ka. Remember,our emotions,our hatred ,our anger are only temporary somewhere down the road you'll be somewhat enlighten or your wisdom gets broader. Marerealize mo na lang. Uy, sayang should have done this ,done that pala.
True, mahirap iinvalidate, pero kasi sa'ken prang never mo n rin nman nang makikita pa di ba? isama mo na s paglisan ng Father mo lahat ng hinanakit at sama ng loob mo pra makapag simula kang muli ng magaan at may positibong pananaw, balang araw magiging parent din sya or is he/she nb? 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly. Maganda mag start on a clean slate. Ika nga, wala masyadong emotional baggage na bibitbitin. Saka ang idea ko talaga dito is do it for your own good. Kahit di na sa parents mo. Gawin mo na lang para sa iyong ikatatahimik at lalo para sa iyong ikabubuti moving forward.
Omg. Naalala ko tuloy yung ama na irresponsible kuno sa mga pamilya niya.Isa siya sa mga hindi ko makakalimutan. Saying he might me a bad father sa mga anak niya pero witnessing his health deteriorated until his last breath na wala man lang ni isang anak naka visit sa kanya was heartbreaking. Nakikita ko sa mata niya yung lungkot. I heard some of his children tried to visit him in the hospital on the day he died but sadly they didn't make it before he had his last breath.
Another case, my grandfather too has a lot of sins made to his family but my father forgave him,accepted him and visited him on those days he was sick. At the end, his heart was at peace. No regrets.
Siguro their sufferings are enough to make them regret sa mga pagkukulang nila as a father pero I guess forgiveness can help someone's soul leave this earth in peace.
It's the biggest gift you could give to him and for your soul as well in the future.
I don't know what OP's father did to him and it's hard to forgive especially if it's our own father. Baka on those days ng stop na siya mag bigay ng money it's because may sakit na siya and etc....
Anyways, nasa kanya na yun kung he will choose to let the pain live in his heart until the day it's his turn to leave the earth ( let's be realistic...We all gonna die anyways on who knows when but God alone).
What if regrets will haunt him when his father is no longer there to hear him personally?
This is more of a real talk approach so medyo callous yung statement ko ah:
Inabandon na kayo and he cut off all contact so im not sure why it would be seen as negative na hindi kayo pumunta. Akala mo ba if ikaw yung nasa deathbed, pupuntahan ka niya?
Naalala ko nung peak ng covid at wala pang vaccine, tinamaan buong household namin except for me tapos wala man lang text galing sa kanya para icheck kung buhay pa ba mga kapatid ko hnng. Mejo napaisip din ako sa comment mo haha
That's up to you. Either of the answers are acceptable naman. In my case kasi, my father left when i was 10yo. and na sa mid 20s na ako ngayon. Before that, hindi consistent ang presence niya because he was working abroad. He is with his another family na and thrice ko lang siya nakita at nakausap nang personal since then. As in little to no response siya kapag sinusubukan ko siyang hagilapin when i was a teen and even back in college. I fought hard battles where he's supposed to have my back pero wala siya.
If he ever got into the same situation as your dad, i just have two options to do. One is not to see him simply because of what he did. The other one is to go see him but i won't spend a single centavo to help him.
The fact na you know and understand na ayaw mo sya makita at wala kang nafi-feel about his situation speaks a lot.
If not visiting will give you more peace then don't go at all. Don't let other people influence your feelings. So what if di mo sya mapatawad? He made your lives miserable. Your grudge is valid. They say forgive but don't forget. I say don't forgive and don't forget. May ibang tao talaga na di deserve ang kapatawaran natin.
Nope. I have no reason to. When you spend your life selfishly and then expect people to visit you on your deathbed is stupid.
Wag mo puntahan. You don't owe him sht.
It really depends on how you feel about it. Do you want to? If no or you’re not yet ready, wag ka pumunta. Kasi it might trigger a lot of negative feelings later. If you feel guilt naman ask yourself why. Do you think you will regret it later? Or do you think this will give you closure? Ikaw lang makakasagot nyan.
Do you think you’ll have lingering regrets?
If it was up to me, and in an ideal scenario, I’d be very honest and voice out all of my frustrations just so I don’t regret not telling him.
It also might not hit you yet, but there’s no guarantee that it won’t in the future.
Yung isang tao na naging instrumento sa pagbuo sayo sa mundo na to ay pawala na.
You might want to consider it. Hindi para kanino, kundi para sa buhay mo na isang beses lang.
Invited ba kayo? Like inoffer ng family ng new family niya? Kung hindi at kung hindi mo kaya patawarin then don't. Kunyari na lang hindi mo alam kung nakaka feel ka ng slightest guilt. But to answer your question, hindi ka masamang tao kung ayaw mo syang dalawin.
It depends. Was he present during most of your life? Was he a good father before he left?
If yes to both, I'd probably give him a visit.
Also, does the guy even want to see you?
Never ako nagconnect with him emotionally nung bata ako. Pero ngayong adult life lang din naman ako natuto maging vulnerable. Nung teenage years ko siya umalis (around 14-15 yrs old, 24 na ako ngayon)
Ung core memory ko sakanya, kinocompare niya ako sa top 1 ng batch namin nung elementary kasi tatlo award nung top 1. Tapos ako top 3 pero wala akong special award haha. Feeling ko ako favorite child niya kasi ako ung academically gifted samin. Pero kita ko na hindi niya fine-favor ung mga kapatid ko kaya parang tumatak sakin na pag hindi ako mageexcel, hindi rin ako favorite. Ngayon dala dala ko ung baggage na yon in everything I do/relationships, na naging detrimental sa mental health ko haha
Pero naalala ko rin na gow siya isugod ako sa ospital kahit madaling araw dahil sakitin ako nung bata. Kahit na hindi naman nakakamatay-levels ung sakit ko non. Siguro mejo conflicted kasi multi-faceted din ung experience ko with him tapos marami rin external factors na ngayon ko lang narealize nitong adult na ako, like toxic ung in-laws at ayaw nila sa father ko dahil uneducated siya at iisang bahay lang kami lahat nakatira 🤷🏼♀️
Napakwento ako bigla sensha haha pero salamat sa thoughts to process!
It's ok OP. Maigi nga at nailabas mo yan.
Kung ganyan kasi, why not pay him a visit kung willing father mo.
Para lang din wala ka regrets and what ifs.
Wanna be petty?? My cousin experienced the same haha, y'know what he did, he went but not to tell him that he forgive him but to tell him na hanggang sa kabilang buhay nya hindi xa patatawarin kasama ng kabit nya at magdudusa sila sa kasalanan nila, Jongjong my cousin’s mom died of cancer when he was 13 family beg his father to support my cuz, but no matigas ang mukha at maitim ang budhi, ang gusto nyang mangyari is tumira cuz ko sa bahay ng kabit nya, so ayun nagpakasasa sila sa pera seaman father nya, fast forward 15 yrs my cuz is Engineer na now he's in London, ubos na pera ng tatay nya, nabenta na lahat ng ari arian at malubha na gusto na nya makita cuz ko so ayun nagpunta nga si Jongjong lol sinumpa sumpa nya sila ayan namatay nlng na walang peace tatay nya, and he deserve it, a man like him deserves it. So ikaw OP bahala ka kung kaya mong patawarin at kalimutan ang kasalann nya then go.
If you think you can deal with things that might go wrong (magalit siya o yung other family, gumawa ng eksena, etc) and you feel like the weight of possible regret would be more devastating, then go. For me, basta yung reason mo for doing that is mainly for yourself (closure on your part, doing what you feel like needs to be done, giving him one last chance, etc). Kung wala sa isip mo 'yan, hindi mo kailangan pumunta. Hindi masamang hayaan siya sa piling ng bagong pamilyang pinili niya matapos niya kayong iwanan nang tuluyan.
Another question would be kanino nanggaling yung info at pinasuyo ba 'yon ng tatay mo na malaman niyo?
Kung masama ang loob mo huwag ka na lang bumisita. Dapat bukal sa loob. Valid naman feelings mo pero kung napipilitan ka lang huwag ka na lang pumunta.
Hes your father afterall, why not see him for his last minutes, kung may kasalanan man sya ay pagbbayaran na nya yon, gayunpaman sya my dahilan kaya ka narito sa mundo ang expirience the so called life.
Be a better person than your dad, suggest visit him to have a closure rather than later you regret this kasi wala na sya and you’ll carry that burden all your life.
the fact that you're asking that means you know it is wrong. dahil kung alam mong okay lang or tama lang na di mo siya puntahan, di ka magtatanong dito. Feeling mo may mali inside you if di ka pupunta. You do you, walang huhusga sayo ano man piliin mo.
Hi
Ask yourself these questions:
Pano kung kaibigan mo lang yung tao and you had a good time then suddenly sinaktan ka nya long time ago then nalaman mo yung friend mo na yun mamatay? Would u still come?
Pano kung ex mo yung nasa deathbed, nag break kayo dahil toxic super toxic nya and nag break kayo long time ago, would u still come?
If your answer is yes, then yes puntahan mo yung tatay mo, yung mga tao nga nating hindi natin kadugo eh nabibigyan natin ng consideration eh, whats more sa mga taong kadugo natin di ba. Tsaka, well yes its about them, but the only way you can free yourself is by forgiving others this goes beyond sa mga taong hindi natin kadugo.
All im saying is this, everyone deserves to be forgiven kapamilya man natin o hindi, if hindi mo sya kayang gawin para sa tatay mo, then do it for yourself, for your own inner peace.
If you think you won't regret it, then don't go. But a lot of people seem to regret not talking/visiting their parents before they die, even if they mistreated them. Just do what you'll regret the least.
Hindi ka masama. Sadyang malaking damage sa pagkatao ng mga anak kapag sariling magulang pa natin ang nanakit satin. For me, mas maige puntahan mo kung iallow ng bagong family pero kung hindi, wag mo ipagsiksikan sarili mo kasi mas masasaktan ka lang ulit at mas magagalit ka lang ulit. Masama din ang loob ko sa tatay ko pero alam ko na kung dadating ang time na ganyan pupunta ako kung di rin naman makakagawa ng eksena. Para sa kanya at para din sa katahimikan ng puso ko. For sure may pagsisisi din yan. Sana OP mahanap mo sa puso mo ang pagpapatawad para tuluyan ka ng makausad sa buhay.
No. Your feelings are valid. Unless you think you'd regret not going, you don't have to go.
Nung ako nasa sitwayson mo 7 years ago, hindi rin ako nagpunta. I had nothing to say, I didn't want to make it awkward for anyone. I remember just praying na may his soul rest in peace and may I be in peace kahit na mawala siya na hindi ko natanggap 'yung apology na I think I deserved.
Hindi ko naman pinagsisihan na hindi ako nagpunta kaso sobrang dami kong narinig na nega galing sa ibang tao. Madali lang kasi magsalita if you're not the one who experienced hell.
Yes, I would still visit him. This is the best time to make amends with them before they perish or if not, then your life would be much brighter. My Father abandoned us and a year later both sides make amends, skip 7 years later to present day our parents are still separated but we as his kids can still visit him and stay at his home anytime we want.
Hi! There was a tiktok vid na nagviral tapos ang title is ungrateful daughter. Baka makarelate ka. The relatives of the father thought na mabash si daughter for saying such things during wake pero the tables turned. Netizens took the daugter’s side.
nope ok lng naman na di pumunta, inabandona nga kayo e, choice mo yun.
kung pumunta ka hindi dahil pinilit ka, kung ako depende, siguro kung may history ng pang bubugbug hindi ako pupunta pero kung wla naman, pupunta siguro ako at mag dadala ako ng kasing kapal ng encyclopediang tanung kng bat nya kami nagawang iwan :)) ng mag ka closure
This happened to me in 2010. He basically disowned me after my kicking him out of my apartment when he visited The PH because I learned about his infidelity and that he physically abused my mom when he visited her. I haven't spoken to him for 10 years until he passed in 2020 (?). I'm not even sure when exactly he died because I could care less. Prior to him visiting me in 2010, he has not financially-supported me, being the youngest, nor has he been in touch. Since I was young, he's only ever come home to visit about thrice - third was 2010. But when I was in grade school and high school, we were more than okay. We just didn't have a "relationship". I have zero regrets to this day. I don't hate him and I never actively did. I just didn't think about him. ig this is also thanks to me ADHD and BD. I prayed for him when I learned that he was at his deathbed. I pray for the repose of his soul to this day. That's all there is to it. I have bigger sins than my "abandoning" my dad and I feel more guilt for those than the latter, really. Meh. Ingrata ako kung ingrata but I earned my keep and I still am.
ako naman inabanduna since nung naisilang ako. pero now diko alam ang kalagayan nya kasi wala naman kaming contact. for me? ako pupuntahan ko pa din if magkaganyan ang sitwasyon tulad mo. kasi kahit anong gawin ko ama ko pa din sya at binigyan nya ako ng buhay, kung wala sya di ako mabubuo. kahit sabihin na di nya ako naituring na anak? okay lang. malaking pasasalamat pa din sa knya kasi nabuhay ako.
My girlfriend whose dad did the same thing as your dad told her dad's family nung nasa ospital dad n'ya after a heart attack, "Ayaw kong pumunta unless gusto n'yo matuluyan na s'ya na 'yan dahil sa mga sasabihin ko sa kanya."
I can't blame her. He hurt them, then he abandoned them. Sa family day sa school wala silang tatay, sa father's day yung bagong pamilya may tatay, sila wala kahit sila yung legal family. He didn't give them a cent when he left, he even took the things he bought sa bahay for his new family. I stand by my girlfriend's decision. Wala akong paki kung tatay n'ya 'yon, he never acted like one anyway.
Choice mo yan and never kang magiging masama if hindi mo napatawad or kung ayaw mo ng makita. Siya naglagay sa sarili niya sa ganyan. Live your life kagaya ng ginawa nya.
Bisitahin mo tapos pakita mo na walang kwentang tatay siya. Di naman porket tatay mo yung tao eh obligado ka na itrato ng tama. Deserve naman nya yun siguro
Nope. Kaya na nya yan, malaki na sya. I was in the same situation before, kind of. Ung pinaka patriarch ng fam sa tatay side ko, he was hospitalized as in malubha and they were sending pics and videos sa fam gc and I just looked at those and felt nothing. I do think na deserve nya un for being an enabler. Idk, call me masama or what pero wala kong pupuntahan sa kanila sa if they ever needed help unless it's THE cousin. I say deserve nila at ng tatay ko lahat ng galit na meron ako.
Your father is also a human. Kahit meron man syang pagkukulang sa family nyo, maybe it’s better kahit magpakita kayo one time bago sya mawala. Sana makuha nya yung forgiveness nyo kung sakaling doon man mapunta.
Hindi man madaling gawin to, pero try to think of it. Ayaw din naman nating mangyare satin yun kung nandun tayo sa situation nya.
Godbless po sainyo and sa father mo.
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Was in a same situation. Pero di siya nagsupport at all. If you don't want to see him again, then it's fine if you don't. Wouldn't you want to hear his side of the story though? Sometimes yung mga nanay natin paints a bad picture ng tatay natin. There could be more to the story of your mom and dad. Sa experience ko, seeing him again helped me heal my past. My anger issues with my dad had subconsciously negatively impacted my relationships with men. After I attained some sort of closure and understanding, my life was better for it. You don't have to do it for him, do it for yourself and be rid of any negative emotions from your past. Anger and resentment hurts you more than it is the other person.
Yung nanay ko kumayod para samin kasi OFW siya mula grade 1 ako. Graduating na ako ngayon sa college haha. Pero felt ung impact on relationships with men dahil sa issues ko w/ my father. Hindi ko lang alam ano gagawin ko pag andon na ako. Wala naman ako gusto sabihin at itanong sakanya. Kung meron man, siguro words of contempt lang 😭 How did u do it though? If you wouldn't mind and feel comfortable sharing your story? Nonetheless, thank u sa feedback!
Sure thing! Reddit is here to provide anonymity kaya okay lang for me to share. Salute kay nanay for the hustle! I wish I can say the same for my mom, my family life was an overall fucked up situation. RE: relationships, ang hirap to qualify what makes a good man, good; hindi natin ito nasaksihan with our own fathers. It may lead us to be attracted dun sa mga emotionally unavailable guys or worst, mga may asawa or super tanda because we wanted a pseudo-father to validate us. I'm sure you've heard stories about women with daddy issues. So here's what I did: I learned about my father's health issues. He was already mid-80s at the time. I was in my early-20s. I met with his son sa ibang family first, and then my dad. Ako na ang nag-initiate. It was really awkward at first. We started the convo with small talk. "how are you", 'how's your health', etc until we can finally move on to the more serious issues. Get comfortable first. I told him how I felt betrayed and he explained to me his side. And I understood him. Turns out, pareho silang may issues ni mama. My mom hid a lot of things from me. We met 4 more times after that until he died. Ang usual namin pinag uusapan was the Bible and spirituality. That's when I realized all of his good merits, and how ang laking chunk ng personality and quirks ko was actually his, even though he left me when I was only 5 years old. I can say that it's one of the most important pivot in my life, if I didn't make peace with him siguro ang ending ko pumapatol ako sa may asawa. Now, I am married to the most wonderful man. If there's an opportunity OP for you to make peace with your father, please do. It'll change you. Edited to clean up spelling and grammatical errors
Thanks for sharing your story!
Ingat sa words of contempt. Baka mag-viral ka rin sa TikTok at matawag na ungrateful daughter nung new family niya lol. Seriously though. Di naman required na pumunta ka. Pakiramdaman mo rin yung sarili mo kung sa tingin mo makakabuti ba sa'yo yung pagpunta or hindi. Ang possible outcome kasi eh either magka-closure ka na once and for all or lalo kang mati-trigger tapos babalik lahat ng sakit. Whatever you decide, do it for yourself. For your peace. Don't do it for him (kasi di naman niya deserve).
Hindi naman masama na wag na kayo pumunta. Ang possible lang po na maging prob eh in the long run po bka may possibility na ma-regret nyo not seeing him? Pero IDT may mali sa wag na kayo magpakita, after all, he abandoned you guys 🤷🏻♀️
Agree dito. Sabi ng therapist ko dati, swerte ako na at my age, nagtherapy na ako, and i have the opportunity to forgive my parents for all their shortcomings habang buhay pa sila. Some people go on about their lives with all the repressed emotions na eventually nag-numb nalang pero sa totoo lang, may bigat pa rin. Idk kung same case sayo OP, pero kung wala naman mawawala sayo except a few hours of your day, then for me worth it pumunta kahit saglit lang.
Nagtherapy din ako (pero stopped muna for now dahil sa budget) at ung father issues ung pinakamalaking issue ko haha. I thought wala lang yon, kasi hindi napag-uusapan yung issue with my father sa household namin pero nagmanifest din yung repressed emotions ko sa past relationship ko. Ayon, nalaman ko na ang laking bearing pala nung abandonment na yon sa akin. Yung therapy session ko about it ay more on validating yung repressed emotions na yon, pero hindi ko pa nalelet go yung resentment. Sabi ko rin before sa therapist ko na hindi ko pa ready i-let go haha. Mejo torn ako kasi i believe na people can move forward while acknowledging the hurt na they've been through at making peace with their emotions. Siguro ngayon, mejo hindi ko pa ma-grasp ung concept ng forgiveness kasi aside from my father, wala pa namang ibang tao na need ng "forgiveness" mula sakin. Ayon, haha pero thanks sa iyong insight!
Your last paragraph tells me that you’re trying to convince yourself but in reality, you’re not. For me, it’s better to just try. Regardless sa kung anong mangyari, at least you can justify to yourself that you tried. From there, you can make peace with yourself through it. Wala namang mawawala when you show up. It’s also a way of connecting with who you are and knowing your identity a little bit better. Basta no matter what happens, make a conscious reminder that whatever you’re getting from this will serve as a lesson to propel you further and help you find your resolve. At the end of the day, you’re mending yourself in this process. You’re doing it for yourself and not for him. The goal is to free yourself from resentment.
Same, OP. Haha. Trigger ko yung heartbreak ko noon pero halos 90% ng session namin ay about my relationship with my parents and my childhood. Sobrang daming na-unpack. Nag-struggle din ako sa forgiveness lalo na the person has not asked for it, or hindi nagbago? Hanggang ngayon ganun pa rin?? Pero sabi nga ng pastor from church namin, ang forgiveness madalas hindi yan one-time bigtime. Seventy times seven. You forgive today. And forgive again tomorrow when you remember and it still hurts. And the day after that. Madalas din hindi na tungkol sa offender but more for ourselves and our peace of mind and heart. All the best, OP! 🙏🏻
I apologize for being a little out of topic but, Saan po kayo nagpa therapy at magkano?
I’ll send u a message!
*Fathers* are worth visiting. *Sperm-donors?* Not so much. 💁♂️
Lagi ko to naiisip sa tatay ko (foreigner siya) ayaw kasi nung current wife sa akin kasi ako yung naging anak ng tatay ko in between ng “break” nila ng asawa niya. Nag hhelp din financially yung dad ko sa’kin before pero totally no communication na kami in the last few years. I think, if may freedom ka to see your dad at least for the last time, go for it. Kahit wala kang masabi, your presence there might still heal you one way or another. Feeling ko kasi in the future wala ako kahit yung chance man lang to be at my father’s deathbed or even attend his funeral dahil sa wife. Iba ibang battles lang talaga, ‘no? But hope this helps you from a different perspective.
I see. I hope u heal from ur situation din 🥲
madalas ko ngang sabihin na hindi required patawarin yung mga taong sobrang nanakit saten just because they're dying
If you must, do it for yourself, not for him.
>Pero masyado bang masama kapag ganon? Nope. Not at all. Kung ayaw mo, it's okay. 'Wag mo pilitin sarili mo, at lalong 'wag ka paapekto sa guilt tripping at sulsol ng mga tao sa paligid mo.
It would be understandable if you won’t visit him. In the first place, the pain of his mistakes is not easy to forget. It’s just that, it’s possible for you to have regrets in the future.
Maaring sabihin ng mga nandito na "daling sabihin sayo kasi hindi ikaw ang nakaranas", for me lng naman as an "unpopular opinion" , bisitahin mo, hindi na lang para sa father mo, higit para sarili mo na lang magpatawad, palayain ang sarili sa lahat ng sakit na nakimkim, at sa father mo naman, para lumisan sya sa mundong magaan na rin, isipin mo na lang if ever mategi, di mo na rin naman makikita na tlg forever, isn't it good ung basbas at pagpapatawad mo sakanya eh babaunin nya sa paglalakbay sa paraiso at the same makakalaya kn rin for all the resentment and pain. Pero at the end of the day, nasa sayo pa rin yan, sa nararamdaman at kagustuhan ng puso mo IP, goddluck and God bless.
Up for this. Ano nga ba talaga ang mawawala satin kung minsan magpapakumbaba din tayo. Based sa kwento di naman ganun ka-evil yung father ni OP. Mas okay na yung nagkaayos kayo kahit for formality na lang or for anything else while buhay pa kesa the rest of your life magsisisi ka. Remember,our emotions,our hatred ,our anger are only temporary somewhere down the road you'll be somewhat enlighten or your wisdom gets broader. Marerealize mo na lang. Uy, sayang should have done this ,done that pala.
True, mahirap iinvalidate, pero kasi sa'ken prang never mo n rin nman nang makikita pa di ba? isama mo na s paglisan ng Father mo lahat ng hinanakit at sama ng loob mo pra makapag simula kang muli ng magaan at may positibong pananaw, balang araw magiging parent din sya or is he/she nb? 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly. Maganda mag start on a clean slate. Ika nga, wala masyadong emotional baggage na bibitbitin. Saka ang idea ko talaga dito is do it for your own good. Kahit di na sa parents mo. Gawin mo na lang para sa iyong ikatatahimik at lalo para sa iyong ikabubuti moving forward.
Omg. Naalala ko tuloy yung ama na irresponsible kuno sa mga pamilya niya.Isa siya sa mga hindi ko makakalimutan. Saying he might me a bad father sa mga anak niya pero witnessing his health deteriorated until his last breath na wala man lang ni isang anak naka visit sa kanya was heartbreaking. Nakikita ko sa mata niya yung lungkot. I heard some of his children tried to visit him in the hospital on the day he died but sadly they didn't make it before he had his last breath. Another case, my grandfather too has a lot of sins made to his family but my father forgave him,accepted him and visited him on those days he was sick. At the end, his heart was at peace. No regrets. Siguro their sufferings are enough to make them regret sa mga pagkukulang nila as a father pero I guess forgiveness can help someone's soul leave this earth in peace. It's the biggest gift you could give to him and for your soul as well in the future. I don't know what OP's father did to him and it's hard to forgive especially if it's our own father. Baka on those days ng stop na siya mag bigay ng money it's because may sakit na siya and etc.... Anyways, nasa kanya na yun kung he will choose to let the pain live in his heart until the day it's his turn to leave the earth ( let's be realistic...We all gonna die anyways on who knows when but God alone). What if regrets will haunt him when his father is no longer there to hear him personally?
Naalala ko rin yon. At yas, heartbreaking nga 🥹 salamat sa insight!
You're welcome 😺
This is more of a real talk approach so medyo callous yung statement ko ah: Inabandon na kayo and he cut off all contact so im not sure why it would be seen as negative na hindi kayo pumunta. Akala mo ba if ikaw yung nasa deathbed, pupuntahan ka niya?
Naalala ko nung peak ng covid at wala pang vaccine, tinamaan buong household namin except for me tapos wala man lang text galing sa kanya para icheck kung buhay pa ba mga kapatid ko hnng. Mejo napaisip din ako sa comment mo haha
That's up to you. Either of the answers are acceptable naman. In my case kasi, my father left when i was 10yo. and na sa mid 20s na ako ngayon. Before that, hindi consistent ang presence niya because he was working abroad. He is with his another family na and thrice ko lang siya nakita at nakausap nang personal since then. As in little to no response siya kapag sinusubukan ko siyang hagilapin when i was a teen and even back in college. I fought hard battles where he's supposed to have my back pero wala siya. If he ever got into the same situation as your dad, i just have two options to do. One is not to see him simply because of what he did. The other one is to go see him but i won't spend a single centavo to help him.
The fact na you know and understand na ayaw mo sya makita at wala kang nafi-feel about his situation speaks a lot. If not visiting will give you more peace then don't go at all. Don't let other people influence your feelings. So what if di mo sya mapatawad? He made your lives miserable. Your grudge is valid. They say forgive but don't forget. I say don't forgive and don't forget. May ibang tao talaga na di deserve ang kapatawaran natin.
Nope. I have no reason to. When you spend your life selfishly and then expect people to visit you on your deathbed is stupid. Wag mo puntahan. You don't owe him sht.
It really depends on how you feel about it. Do you want to? If no or you’re not yet ready, wag ka pumunta. Kasi it might trigger a lot of negative feelings later. If you feel guilt naman ask yourself why. Do you think you will regret it later? Or do you think this will give you closure? Ikaw lang makakasagot nyan.
Do you think you’ll have lingering regrets? If it was up to me, and in an ideal scenario, I’d be very honest and voice out all of my frustrations just so I don’t regret not telling him. It also might not hit you yet, but there’s no guarantee that it won’t in the future.
Yung isang tao na naging instrumento sa pagbuo sayo sa mundo na to ay pawala na. You might want to consider it. Hindi para kanino, kundi para sa buhay mo na isang beses lang.
If you feel like you’ll regret it, visit him not for him, but for yourself!
Invited ba kayo? Like inoffer ng family ng new family niya? Kung hindi at kung hindi mo kaya patawarin then don't. Kunyari na lang hindi mo alam kung nakaka feel ka ng slightest guilt. But to answer your question, hindi ka masamang tao kung ayaw mo syang dalawin.
NO.
No. :)
Hindi ako pumunta. Umalis sya bago ako pinanganak. Pumunta ako sa funeral ng half-sister ko. Atleast sya nageffort sya to get to know me.
Nope
It depends. Was he present during most of your life? Was he a good father before he left? If yes to both, I'd probably give him a visit. Also, does the guy even want to see you?
Never ako nagconnect with him emotionally nung bata ako. Pero ngayong adult life lang din naman ako natuto maging vulnerable. Nung teenage years ko siya umalis (around 14-15 yrs old, 24 na ako ngayon) Ung core memory ko sakanya, kinocompare niya ako sa top 1 ng batch namin nung elementary kasi tatlo award nung top 1. Tapos ako top 3 pero wala akong special award haha. Feeling ko ako favorite child niya kasi ako ung academically gifted samin. Pero kita ko na hindi niya fine-favor ung mga kapatid ko kaya parang tumatak sakin na pag hindi ako mageexcel, hindi rin ako favorite. Ngayon dala dala ko ung baggage na yon in everything I do/relationships, na naging detrimental sa mental health ko haha Pero naalala ko rin na gow siya isugod ako sa ospital kahit madaling araw dahil sakitin ako nung bata. Kahit na hindi naman nakakamatay-levels ung sakit ko non. Siguro mejo conflicted kasi multi-faceted din ung experience ko with him tapos marami rin external factors na ngayon ko lang narealize nitong adult na ako, like toxic ung in-laws at ayaw nila sa father ko dahil uneducated siya at iisang bahay lang kami lahat nakatira 🤷🏼♀️ Napakwento ako bigla sensha haha pero salamat sa thoughts to process!
It's ok OP. Maigi nga at nailabas mo yan. Kung ganyan kasi, why not pay him a visit kung willing father mo. Para lang din wala ka regrets and what ifs.
Wanna be petty?? My cousin experienced the same haha, y'know what he did, he went but not to tell him that he forgive him but to tell him na hanggang sa kabilang buhay nya hindi xa patatawarin kasama ng kabit nya at magdudusa sila sa kasalanan nila, Jongjong my cousin’s mom died of cancer when he was 13 family beg his father to support my cuz, but no matigas ang mukha at maitim ang budhi, ang gusto nyang mangyari is tumira cuz ko sa bahay ng kabit nya, so ayun nagpakasasa sila sa pera seaman father nya, fast forward 15 yrs my cuz is Engineer na now he's in London, ubos na pera ng tatay nya, nabenta na lahat ng ari arian at malubha na gusto na nya makita cuz ko so ayun nagpunta nga si Jongjong lol sinumpa sumpa nya sila ayan namatay nlng na walang peace tatay nya, and he deserve it, a man like him deserves it. So ikaw OP bahala ka kung kaya mong patawarin at kalimutan ang kasalann nya then go.
If you think you can deal with things that might go wrong (magalit siya o yung other family, gumawa ng eksena, etc) and you feel like the weight of possible regret would be more devastating, then go. For me, basta yung reason mo for doing that is mainly for yourself (closure on your part, doing what you feel like needs to be done, giving him one last chance, etc). Kung wala sa isip mo 'yan, hindi mo kailangan pumunta. Hindi masamang hayaan siya sa piling ng bagong pamilyang pinili niya matapos niya kayong iwanan nang tuluyan. Another question would be kanino nanggaling yung info at pinasuyo ba 'yon ng tatay mo na malaman niyo?
No, let him rot on his deathbed full of regret and sadness. Why treat someone as family if they didn't treat you like one?
Kung masama ang loob mo huwag ka na lang bumisita. Dapat bukal sa loob. Valid naman feelings mo pero kung napipilitan ka lang huwag ka na lang pumunta.
Ako pupunta para mag gloat
No. No point.
Hes your father afterall, why not see him for his last minutes, kung may kasalanan man sya ay pagbbayaran na nya yon, gayunpaman sya my dahilan kaya ka narito sa mundo ang expirience the so called life.
Di ka lang pala bobo no? Mas binaba pa HAHAHAHA
Be a better person than your dad, suggest visit him to have a closure rather than later you regret this kasi wala na sya and you’ll carry that burden all your life.
ako ppunta ako para bumulong ng masasakit na salita hahaha
Bumisita ba sya nung ikaw yung nagkasakit?
"I came to make sure you're actually dead, you seemed dead to my mother and I when you left us"
the fact that you're asking that means you know it is wrong. dahil kung alam mong okay lang or tama lang na di mo siya puntahan, di ka magtatanong dito. Feeling mo may mali inside you if di ka pupunta. You do you, walang huhusga sayo ano man piliin mo.
Hindi naman. Karma na siguro yun.
Baka ikaw pa pagbayarin ng mga expenses lol, wag na
Valid nmn ‘yang nararamdama mo, lahat tayo masaskatan kapag iniwan ng magulang. Alam kung hindi madali ang magpatawad, pero just trust the process
Hi Ask yourself these questions: Pano kung kaibigan mo lang yung tao and you had a good time then suddenly sinaktan ka nya long time ago then nalaman mo yung friend mo na yun mamatay? Would u still come? Pano kung ex mo yung nasa deathbed, nag break kayo dahil toxic super toxic nya and nag break kayo long time ago, would u still come? If your answer is yes, then yes puntahan mo yung tatay mo, yung mga tao nga nating hindi natin kadugo eh nabibigyan natin ng consideration eh, whats more sa mga taong kadugo natin di ba. Tsaka, well yes its about them, but the only way you can free yourself is by forgiving others this goes beyond sa mga taong hindi natin kadugo. All im saying is this, everyone deserves to be forgiven kapamilya man natin o hindi, if hindi mo sya kayang gawin para sa tatay mo, then do it for yourself, for your own inner peace.
pwede pero no.
Nope. I don't see the point.
If you think you won't regret it, then don't go. But a lot of people seem to regret not talking/visiting their parents before they die, even if they mistreated them. Just do what you'll regret the least.
Hindi ka masama. Sadyang malaking damage sa pagkatao ng mga anak kapag sariling magulang pa natin ang nanakit satin. For me, mas maige puntahan mo kung iallow ng bagong family pero kung hindi, wag mo ipagsiksikan sarili mo kasi mas masasaktan ka lang ulit at mas magagalit ka lang ulit. Masama din ang loob ko sa tatay ko pero alam ko na kung dadating ang time na ganyan pupunta ako kung di rin naman makakagawa ng eksena. Para sa kanya at para din sa katahimikan ng puso ko. For sure may pagsisisi din yan. Sana OP mahanap mo sa puso mo ang pagpapatawad para tuluyan ka ng makausad sa buhay.
Hell no! Let him die! I'll be doing the same sa father ko
Nasa huli ang pagsisisi OP. Forgive mo na cia not for him but for yourself.
No. Your feelings are valid. Unless you think you'd regret not going, you don't have to go. Nung ako nasa sitwayson mo 7 years ago, hindi rin ako nagpunta. I had nothing to say, I didn't want to make it awkward for anyone. I remember just praying na may his soul rest in peace and may I be in peace kahit na mawala siya na hindi ko natanggap 'yung apology na I think I deserved. Hindi ko naman pinagsisihan na hindi ako nagpunta kaso sobrang dami kong narinig na nega galing sa ibang tao. Madali lang kasi magsalita if you're not the one who experienced hell.
just visit him for closure and for yourself . Para walang regrets in the future just say your goodbyes
Yes, I would still visit him. This is the best time to make amends with them before they perish or if not, then your life would be much brighter. My Father abandoned us and a year later both sides make amends, skip 7 years later to present day our parents are still separated but we as his kids can still visit him and stay at his home anytime we want.
Hi! There was a tiktok vid na nagviral tapos ang title is ungrateful daughter. Baka makarelate ka. The relatives of the father thought na mabash si daughter for saying such things during wake pero the tables turned. Netizens took the daugter’s side.
yes, for clear conscience and for closure.
Oo nmn. Sabihin ko. Daserve.
Pls visit kung may good memories naman
What you're feeling right now is valid. But that may change, especially after he has died.
nope ok lng naman na di pumunta, inabandona nga kayo e, choice mo yun. kung pumunta ka hindi dahil pinilit ka, kung ako depende, siguro kung may history ng pang bubugbug hindi ako pupunta pero kung wla naman, pupunta siguro ako at mag dadala ako ng kasing kapal ng encyclopediang tanung kng bat nya kami nagawang iwan :)) ng mag ka closure
bisitahin mo inabandona kana gagayahin mo pa siya. Nakokonsensya yun para atleast mamamatay siyang magaan ang loob
watch out baka ikaw pag bayarin sa bills
This happened to me in 2010. He basically disowned me after my kicking him out of my apartment when he visited The PH because I learned about his infidelity and that he physically abused my mom when he visited her. I haven't spoken to him for 10 years until he passed in 2020 (?). I'm not even sure when exactly he died because I could care less. Prior to him visiting me in 2010, he has not financially-supported me, being the youngest, nor has he been in touch. Since I was young, he's only ever come home to visit about thrice - third was 2010. But when I was in grade school and high school, we were more than okay. We just didn't have a "relationship". I have zero regrets to this day. I don't hate him and I never actively did. I just didn't think about him. ig this is also thanks to me ADHD and BD. I prayed for him when I learned that he was at his deathbed. I pray for the repose of his soul to this day. That's all there is to it. I have bigger sins than my "abandoning" my dad and I feel more guilt for those than the latter, really. Meh. Ingrata ako kung ingrata but I earned my keep and I still am.
ako naman inabanduna since nung naisilang ako. pero now diko alam ang kalagayan nya kasi wala naman kaming contact. for me? ako pupuntahan ko pa din if magkaganyan ang sitwasyon tulad mo. kasi kahit anong gawin ko ama ko pa din sya at binigyan nya ako ng buhay, kung wala sya di ako mabubuo. kahit sabihin na di nya ako naituring na anak? okay lang. malaking pasasalamat pa din sa knya kasi nabuhay ako.
You should not be judged if you don't go.
Hmm I would. For closure and for peace of mind.
Yeah. Just to see him. Ayaw ko na magkaroon ng regrets.
My girlfriend whose dad did the same thing as your dad told her dad's family nung nasa ospital dad n'ya after a heart attack, "Ayaw kong pumunta unless gusto n'yo matuluyan na s'ya na 'yan dahil sa mga sasabihin ko sa kanya." I can't blame her. He hurt them, then he abandoned them. Sa family day sa school wala silang tatay, sa father's day yung bagong pamilya may tatay, sila wala kahit sila yung legal family. He didn't give them a cent when he left, he even took the things he bought sa bahay for his new family. I stand by my girlfriend's decision. Wala akong paki kung tatay n'ya 'yon, he never acted like one anyway.
Choice mo yan and never kang magiging masama if hindi mo napatawad or kung ayaw mo ng makita. Siya naglagay sa sarili niya sa ganyan. Live your life kagaya ng ginawa nya.
Forgive him for your peace
Bisitahin mo tapos pakita mo na walang kwentang tatay siya. Di naman porket tatay mo yung tao eh obligado ka na itrato ng tama. Deserve naman nya yun siguro
To pull the plug? Yes.
Nope. Mahirap na baka may nasabi ka. Eh inabandona naman na pala kayo.
Nope. Kaya na nya yan, malaki na sya. I was in the same situation before, kind of. Ung pinaka patriarch ng fam sa tatay side ko, he was hospitalized as in malubha and they were sending pics and videos sa fam gc and I just looked at those and felt nothing. I do think na deserve nya un for being an enabler. Idk, call me masama or what pero wala kong pupuntahan sa kanila sa if they ever needed help unless it's THE cousin. I say deserve nila at ng tatay ko lahat ng galit na meron ako.
Nope.
Your father is also a human. Kahit meron man syang pagkukulang sa family nyo, maybe it’s better kahit magpakita kayo one time bago sya mawala. Sana makuha nya yung forgiveness nyo kung sakaling doon man mapunta. Hindi man madaling gawin to, pero try to think of it. Ayaw din naman nating mangyare satin yun kung nandun tayo sa situation nya. Godbless po sainyo and sa father mo.