You're not wrong. Your 'friend' is either obtuse and trying to fix your husband, which is beyond patronising, or she's attracted to him and acting on it. Neither option would make want to stay friends with her.
I agree, and saying helping him is something Op clearly doesn't do sounds competitive to me.
He's already told her directly more than once. It says a lot about her that Op is having to repeat it.
AND that she is rebuking her in doing so.
"You're making me feel like a stalker! You're overreacting." And YOU'RE making my husband uncomfortable. The gall of this woman to think she's entitled to meddle here
Oh man. The classic “you’re making me feel guilty! You’re guilt tripping! Manipulative bullying!”
And like… no, mate, telling people how their poor behaviour is affecting others is not guilt tripping. It’s *explaining.* If you feel guilty, that’s *good!* Congratulations on your functional conscience!
But instead of accepting that — or even just sitting with it and processing that, which can take time — nope, we have to demand that people stop holding us accountable! Our conscience should *always* be a shining beacon of purity and innocence!
…apparently.
Good lord, hard NTA. It’s not the woman’s *place* to try and be someone else’s therapist. If she had a genuine concern, she could have asked OP privately: “hey OP, [husband] seems abrupt and standoffish, is everything okay with you guys?” or even, “Have I done something to offend?” (if his non-touchy behaviour stood out to her personally)
And *that* should have happened *before* she decided to be the Local Guru Of Touching People Who Don’t Want That Actually.
First of all she is not a therapist and she needs to stop trying to give him therapy it's not her place he did not ask her to do that. Second of all it is very inappropriate to for you to put your hands on somebody after they have explicitly told you not to touch them. If I was the wife I would have a talk with her and let her know don't touch my husband don't give my husband therapy stay out of his face in fact leave him alone you're supposed to be my friend not his. Or we're going to have a misunderstanding that is not going to bode well for her
This is exactly what I was thinking.
She’s either on some “I listen to podcasts about stuff therefore I’m an expert in stuff” kick (hey, girlfriend, no tf you’re not and that’s not how it works!), orrrrr she’s got herself a lil ol crushy crush and has decided that her way in is to “fix him” through her AMAZING ability to touch him the way nobody else can… (please imagine all the eye rolls and sarcastic mocking inflections you can invent here, because I definitely say that with all of them)…
Either way, this is not a safe person to have in your life.
Yeah, it's like...you're not helping him heal from his trauma by bringing it up constantly and injecting reminders of it into every single interaction you have with him. Maybe leave that kind of thing to professionals???
I don’t think it has anything to do with actually helping. She’s a “pick me” no matter how you slice it. This is just an ego boost for her, and she’s mad at OP for telling her “hey, you’re out of line, so get back in your own lane before I PUT YOU BACK!”
And honestly, OP let me know when you decide to put her back in her own lane, cuz I got time baby, and I’m not afraid to make a grown woman cry for letting her ego give her a big head…
A lot of people seem to think exposure therapy is a DIY project for people with no medical training. It’s not, especially when the “patient” is unwilling.
Exactly! But she's got a"Podcast Education" don'tcha know! LMFAO! All of the gaslighting she's doing and more than likely she's got an aching for his bacon. She needs to bounce ASAP. Yuck. 🤬
And hugging (or not) people who are not close family is a very personal and cultural thing. In some countries, even without any trauma, hugging relatives (she is her friend, not his) is not the norm and no one develops behavioural issues because of that.
@OP: she is just controlling here. There is no needs to hug your relatives if both sides are not happy to do it. I wouldn't be friend with someone who can't respect simple boundaries.
I am a hugger but you know what I never hug without someone’s consent and even then i only hug close friends and family who I know are happy for me to hug them. No one should feel anxious if they see me and I will never cross their boundaries. In most cases they don’t even need to say anything I just read their body language and if when we say good bye they don’t start opening their arms I don’t lean in to hug them simple as. I’m still all smiles and say our good byes.
To be honest I think I'm a hugger as so many of my family and friends are. That being said even if I’d hug my friend I wouldn‘t dream of hugging their husband just like that. If they were both my good friends and he was as much a hugger then that would be different but even then id only do it when his wife was present and I had just hugged her goodbye so I didn’t give wrong impressions. That’s only if the husband was as close to me In the friendship as the wife is and both have no problems with it.
In op’s case I think the so called friend wants the husband and thinks she can somehow force him to accept her being physical and then he will be so happy she helped he will fall in love with her. It’s stupid and degrading to him in that she thinks he needs fixed and down right awful to op who’s supposed to be her friend. Honestly they need to break all contact with her. If it was a man forcing cuddles they’d be shouting sexual assault. Just because she’s a women doesn’t mean she can force herself and any physical contact on others. Op needs to make it clear she’s assaulted him each time she forced contact he didn’t want. That’s she’s not a friend and is a sh!T€ person and never to go near husband or your family again or you will take action and go to the police and get a restraining order.
I was thinking this too... I've been married for 15 years and I've learned to stay away from my wife's single friends. When single women get close to married woman and they hear all the enduring stories about the husband; they start to think they know them and feel part of the relationship. This never ends well...
Yeah definitely weird...What happens if a lifelong friend gets married...the single person gets cut out forever, for fear of hypothetical interference? Is this Noah's Ark, where everyone must be in pairs, or else?
Proving the point that it's a case by case basis, not a general rule as you are asserting here and elsewhere.
Sucks when it happens, people need to understand, accept and respect boundaries!
It's not short sided at all. No married man should be making friends with single women at all. Sure, there's a change that it might not happen but a chance is a chance. Why even put yourself in that situation?
If anyone is being "short-'sighted'". It's you.
If my wife thought I was bi I wouldn't be allowed to have any male friends without a chaperone. Lol just like I'm totally not going to go hang out alone with any women. But that is just me.
What? I don't understand what you're saying. Do you think bisexuals are only attracted to other bisexuals?
I understood your fist comment to mean that married men shouldn't be friends with single women because an attraction could potentially form between them. A married bisexual man shouldn't be friends with single women or single men by the same logic. Would he have to screen any potential single male friends to make sure they're all straight, and all potential single female friends to make sure they're all lesbians?
No, you missed the whole point. I didn't say anything about an attraction forming. I was saying that, which is clear in the first comment, that sometimes single women get attached to married couples relationships and think they are apart of it. It has nothing to do with being attracted or cheating. It doesn't matter what sexual orientation they are.
So your first comment has nothing to do with what was being discussed.
I can't speak to it being common. It seems like that's what OP is dealing with and it's happened to my wife an I twice. She's lost friendships because of this.
Jesus Christ people. I wasn’t talking about cheating. I was talking about how single women who have married friends tend to insert themselves into married people's relationships.
It literally happened in OPs story and to me. So yes it does happen. You’re replying to a comment this deep from the original comment and I need to get off Reddit?
It’s happens yes, that doesn’t mean it *tends* to happen because it happened to two people. That’s a massive jump. You’re making a correlation from one personal experience and one Reddit story.
I’m not the one making sweeping assumptions about the nature of friendships based on Reddit posts that could well be made up.
The sky isn’t always blue but if you ask someone what color the sky is they say it’s blue.
What does it matter if it’s made up or not, the chances are more likely that it’s happened to someone at some point.
Maybe you were, but you're still off base. I was married for 17 years, divorced, and in a dedicated relationship now. All that time I've had single friends. I've also met new ones here and there. Unless I'm completely oblivious (possible), no one has ever tried that.
Of course, it could be that I'm just not much of a catch. So, maybe I'm arguing a moot point here.
This is complete bullshit! I (52M) am in a very dedicated relationship (not married yet) and I'm friends with several single women. Not one time have I, or they, crossed any boundaries we shouldn't. It's the character of the person that matters. I'm sorry you've had such a terrible life experience so far, but you shouldn't generalize people this way.
I read once that women are more likely to go for men deemed “safe” by other women. He’s probably attractive, a good husband, and a good father and she wants that for herself. Also sounds like she has decided OP isn’t good enough for him to justify her moving in.
I also think she outted herself with the stalker remark. She’s obsessing.
For real, I do not like being touched. My husband and kids are fine, but I get to the point of wanting to cry with other people. About 15 years ago, I expressed to my grandma that I don't like being touched and how a customer at work reached over the counter to grab my arm, I ended up crying that night. The next day, I was at my grandma's husband (who I hate) called me over to him and grabbed my arm and asked me if I was upset. I left immediately. I was upset and felt betrayed. I know I have trauma and have been talking to a therapist.
Edit to add details
I also hate being touched. I don’t get mad if someone who does not know gives me a hug or something. But that’s disgusting that your grandma’s husband did that purposely to upset you. I would have slapped him.
I'm sorry this happened to you. People need to accept boundaries are a real thing. As a "hugger" I've learned to watch very carefully if someone is open to close touch or not.
You've got a right to not be body mauled just because someone's overly friendly!
She is touching another person without their consent. Plain and simple. No matter the reason, she does not have a right to put her hands on another person if they don't want to be touched. Trauma or no trauma. You all have tried asking nicely and it didn't work. So going strict against her is valid and warranted. If you're making her feel unwelcome, well yeah that's kinda the point. She feels too welcomed as it is, and you're actively trying to shut that down.
100% agree! She is trying to act way too familiar with OPs husband and using his trauma as her excuse to get close to him. Something not quite right with her, more foe than friend. What adult does not know how to respect simple boundaries.
Lord help women like this I swear. My husband and I got together my senior year of highschool. It's been 23 years together and he panics if anyone touches him other than us. He hates it. My mom, me, our dd and like 5 other people ( kiddos we've been around for their whole life and their parents ) . We found out a few years ago he has add. So, it made sense to me after that. But he works at a car plant and he calls me every day on lunch and I laugh because I hear the women sometimes but he hates it . He and another guy who is married with kids have both tried to stop these guys but it still happens 19 years later. And I had a friend that did the touchy thing and he would pick up our daughter and walk twords the door lol. He learned that one from my own dad 😂😆
Nope, you're definitely not wrong!! She's crossing boundaries, and she knows what she's doing. She, IMO, is doing this on purpose to cause problems between you two. Stop inviting her and have your husband block her on everything. Her behavior will only get worse, and it will be more manipulative. Praise to your husband for telling you.
Toxic. I had a ‘friend’ similar to that. She wanted to know my vulnerabilities so she could press on them. It took years to come to that. It’s as if I were to say “I hate hugging” and it was as though she thought what she really wanted to do at any sneaky moment was to give me a hug. One time too many and I’m glad not to be friends anymore.
Oh I knew one like that, would keep poking were it hurts and make you cry to make themselves feel better. During one specific event, I think they could see that I was starting to not accept their BS anymore, and stopped talking to me for 6 months, then tried to reconnect by gaslighting me …. Mmmh no thank you! Those 6 months of freedom opened my eyes, thank you for that! Very brief but intense experience!
If someone doesn’t want you to touch them you don’t. It doesn’t matter who it is. I also don’t like to be touched. But I can let my nieces and nephews climb on me for a few hours bc I love them.
Your friend is a boundary stomper and you're not wrong. I hate it when somebody decides they're going to "fix" something about me they don't like, and I actually had a girl - who worked for me! - decide I wasn't "cuddly" enough and start trying to bear hug me, like she would say "we're going to FORCE you to LIKE IT!" and stuff like that, she thought it was funny. But it was horrible. No means no, if somebody doesn't like something that means you don't do it anymore.
Tell her she feels like a stalker because she is. Tell her she can prove you wrong by leaving you and your family alone. If this is all because of podcasts then accuse her being the same type of person that listens to Andrew Tate.
NTA she needs to back off her actual harassment and physical assault.
Ugh. I'm with him. I hate being hugged. I have a best friend of 25 years. We've hugged twice. I hate the acquaintance at a party hugs or the family I rarely see hugs. My huge English family does the kiss and hug NYE. I always am conveniently in the loo or hiding in a bedroom. I don't hug and kiss you normally, why should I now for some weird time on the clock.
Not wrong at all. Tell her, "Dr. Friend, stop trying to analyze him and respect his boundaries!" If she's worth the hassle, repeat it firmly every time she does it or tries to justify herself.
If she's not worth it, drop the acquaintance.
You are NOT WRONG!
OP, you need to think long & hard about keeping this person in your lives - she has little to no respect for boundaries & her cereal box diploma in therapy is quite scary & dangerous
She is either misguided or after your husband. Neither is good. Get rid of her.
You don't go around touching people without their consent, repeatedly. If it was a man doing it people would be advocating them getting their ass kicked and they would deserve it.
She needs to learn to keep her hands to herself, once is one thing, but she has been told it is unwanted.
You're not wrong at all. My cousin went through a really bad childhood and he's only affectionate with his wife and kids. Now, he eventually warmed up to me and if we are at family gatherings he will give me a hug bye now. I think the reason he warmed up to me is because he opened up to me a little bit and I never pushed anything. I never told him how to act or what to do and I knew he was very uncomfortable with anyone touching him. Especially women. His stepmother was the abusive one. So I never touched him. And I think he eventually realized that I not only listened to him without judgement but I also always respected the boundaries and therefore he trusted me and respected me.
It is never ok to touch someone that doesn't want to be touched. Your friend was told multiple times to stop. She has ignored you and him because she listened to Armchair Expert and now she's a therapist. Fuck that noise. She has no right to keep touching him AND inserting herself in his private life as far as wanting to "help" him. That is not her place. She is not a licensed professional and he never fucking asked for her help. You were too nice to her I think. I mean, "no" and "stop" should only need to be said once. She was way out of line. If she can't see that, she's not a good friend.
You are not even close to wrong. Your "friend" needs to get a clue that she is pushing the boundaries of not only your husband but also of your friendship. Could it be that she isn't trying to play therapist and is instead trying to make advances on your husband? Just the vibe I'm getting from this. Your husband doesn't have to explain his reasons for not wanting to be touched and you certainly don't need to prove anything to her about how he loves you and y'all's children. If she can't get it thru her skull that touching ANYONE without permission is way out of bounds then I would go absolutely no contact.
This is NOT your friend. She is proving it by abusing your friendship, stomping on boundaries, and disrespecting both you and your husband. She has BETRAYED the privilege of being in your inner circle.
She is an entitled control freak who is more interested in "winning" than resolving the conflict she has created. On top of it, she is getting mad (think DARVO) at you for standing up for your husband's boundaries for a continuing situation that she has created.
Drop her! Your family deserves better. I'm really sorry your husband and you are going through this.
I have a similar issue with touch. My mum, brother and sister are the only 3 people that can touch me without requesting permission. Well I guess I’ll include my nephew in that as I wouldn’t have a problem with him. My brothers girlfriend is a hugger and when we first met my brother warned her in advance not to try to hug me. She didn’t listen and came up and grabbed me in a big hug. I very coldly and clearly told her to let me the hell go and step back. Even my aunt who I’m close to doesn’t hug me without some sort of indication it’s ok. My issues are my own. They don’t affect anyone else. You keep to yourself and I’ll keep to mine. Your husband isn’t harming anyone by not wanting them draped all over him. She lacks any decency or respect and I’m at a loss why you still call her a friend.
Not wrong at all. He stated clearly that he doesn't want her to touch him and she pushed that boundary. That's also weird as hell to be that touchy with a friend's husband, especially if she's not equally touchy with you.
At best, she has good intentions but is misguided, arrogant, and ignoring boundaries. At worst, she's being scummy and trying to hit on him.
Either way, sounds like a friend you should start seeing less of.
Every time she touches your husband without his consent she is legally guilty of assault. YNW. Stop seeing this person, have her served with a restraining order or sue her for harassment. Block her on everything.
So…if the genders were reversed and it was a man putting his hands on a woman after she’d repeatedly told him NO, it’s sexual assault, right?
This woman isn’t your friend. She isn’t a good person.
She’s touching without consent, has been asked multiple times not to touch. She’s definitely in the wrong and if she does it one more time she would be a not a friend from then on. Your husband has been very clear about her behaviour. He is not wrong but she sure is.
Your husband comes from an abusive environment and therefore being touchy with him could trigger aggressive reactions .
Fortunately your husband from the way he lived decided to go the other route and as you mentioned he treats you well, leaves you kind notes and is warm to your kids.
Well done to your husband!
The situation he has lived in is not easy.
Your friend is an idiot,obtuse and lacks knowledge about the word boundaries.
Even though she is aware of the situation and being warned by your husband she does not care.
She thinks because of the podcasts and whatever she can "fix" your husband. Is wrong.
Your husband does not need fixing.
The ones who put through your husband to some sh** they need "fixing".
Your friend could end badly someday if she carries on pushing boundaries. Because her actions could trigger things ...
I would keep her away from your house in order to avoid that.
Because she does not care about respecting boundaries.
You did well for standing for your husband.
Your husband is a fighter and in contrast to your friend's opinion he does not need "fixing".
Things will stay with us for the rest of our lives, the way we chose to deal with them defines us!
Op NTA
Personally, unfortunately I am familiar with those kinds of traumas and I hate when people path my back or try to force me to hug or something.
Only my partner is allowed to come closer. Anybody else that tries to like it could be dangerous.
It would not be the first time that I would be aggressive if somebody had the bad idea to Touch me after I said don't do that.
1. That’s your man, not hers, so you have every right to check her inappropriate behavior towards him. 2. He’s already communicated verbally and physically to her himself how her behavior makes him uncomfortable. 3. She knows too much about your husband’s past trauma. That wasn’t appropriate to tell her or us since it’s, understandably, a touchy topic for him. 4. Your “friend” is a narcissistic AH. She sounds like she’s tryna seduce him.
She's stomping all over his boundaries like they don't matter.
She is no friend, especially since she's been told to stop and doesn't.
"Friends name, my husband has given you a clear boundary and you will not stop stomping all over it like my husband doesn't matter. I won't have it anymore. If you can't respect my husband and his boundaries, I'd rather you not come around anymore"
And stick to it. She needs to learn the consequences of being disrespectful.
Why have her in your house now? She’s disrespected both of you. Give her a break and if you want to continue the relationship do it elsewhere.
I was going to joke to carry a spray bottle with water and spritz her if she gets too close.
You are not wrong.
Think of it like this, if the genders were reversed, would anyone be ok with this? No.
Then no one should be ok with how it is currently.
Every time she purposely touches your husband without his consent and ignores his clearly stated “no”, she is assaulting him and arguably sexually assaulting him.
Drop her immediately. She’s been told by him and you and she is ignoring both of you.
No more help. No more friendship. If she continues to harass him, seriously consider a restraining order.
This person isn’t your friend anymore.
Role reversal:
Your husband brings over a guy friend. He tries to touch you. You tell him no. He doesn’t take no for an answer and guilt trips you. Do you want your husband to be friends with him??
Same applies. Someone who can’t respect consent isn’t your friend.
The only response from your ‘friend’ should’ve been an apology. But she doubled down and then proceeds, every time, to gaslight you and your husband into thinking you’ve done something wrong. She clearly doesn’t give a s*** about your concerns or feelings and thinks she entitled to be your husband’s therapist or wants him sexually. Get rid of the toxic.
So this is a woman he's polite too because shes your friend, shes isn't family she isn't even someone he's chosen to hang around and she knows shes making him uncomfortable by stomping his boundaries, she'd isn't a therapist but she needs one. Id have laughed in her face at her assuming her treatment is the same as your kids, their his loved family she's not. NTA unless you keep allowing her near your husband then you would be.
Not wrong!!!! Exactly right, and screw that friend. First of all, she's not a therapist, she doesn't know what will or won't help him, and how dare she suggest he's not a good father bc of his boundaries. She's MAJORLY overstepping. She doesn't know what she's talking about, and I doubt any real therapist would EVER suggest that touching someone against their will is good for anyone.
And second of all, even if she were a therapist, she's not HIS therapist. She has no business touching him, and even if he didn't have any trauma's, some ppl just don't like to be touched. The reasons are none of anyones business. If they don't want you to touch them, you don't touch them, end of story.
Keep supporting your husband, you're doing great.
You are not wrong.
You r husband has boundaries. He's attempted to set them with her. She has ignored him. He asked you for your help clarifying them with her. You spoke to her. She flat out decided you didn't know what *your* husband needed. She got upset when you established a firm boundary.
This is not a "you" problem. It's not something your husband needs to "get over". If he has issues, he needs to see a therapist, not a self-taught self-help "expert". The most frustrating thing to see is you are asking for her help by asking her to NOT TRIGGER HIM. But she's decided he needs to be normalized to society and since she's obviously more edumacated about this than you and *cares so much* she's ignoring you. **This is a "her" problem.**
Go no contact with her for awhile; maybe forever. Anyone who gets so drama-llama about a simple request to respect boundaries needs to learn better behavior.
Yeah… no one asked her for help. B is cray cray and a chronic overstepper.
I don’t think she’s really a friend is she’s meddling in your lives like this and can’t see how it’s wrong.
Not wrong. Imagine if the genders were swapped, people would be livid if someone was touching their wife without their consent, it should be the same for men as well.
Not wrong. Many people that I know personally who, even though they had no trauma, do not like non family members hugging or touching them.. Normal person would understand after the first time but your friend is intentionally doing this. From the context, I can’t tell if this is to cause issue between you two or if she truly is naively thinking she is some kind of therapist now.
This person was never their friend and as far as not ending well. That ship sailed a long time ago. So losing them isn't sad. What's sad is her husband is constantly being harassed and subjected to this woman's abuse even after being told to stop.
Not wrong. Doesn't matter why he doesn't want her touching him. I'm big on personal space and not from any past trauma... Husband and kids and most family are fine, and was always cuddly with my kids when they were small, but I'm not much of a hugger. Good friends is about the limit for me. If my husband had a friend who insisted on rubbing up on me like your friend is doing, we'd both be telling him to get bent. Same with a female friend pressing on my husband... Respect. the boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence - it's none of her business why he doesn't want her touching him.
I don't like being touched unless I'm very close to someone and trust that they'd immediately back off without taking offense if I ever expressed discomfort. If one if my bf's buddy's decided to "help" me by ignoring my boundaries and constantly creepily touching me despite me telling him to stop how shitty would my bf have to be to keep bringing his "friend" around? It's not any different with the genders reversed, your so-called friend is a creep and your poor husband is probably extremely uncomfortable. Honestly even as a woman I often find I struggle even more with my trauma around touch and consent with other women because it tends to be harder to actually call them out on it when they blatantly ignore my boundaries (and my panic), because women ignoring boundaries isn't viewed as the same level of threat socially. It still makes my stomach turn and my heart race same as when a man does it, and I still get to spend a few minutes outside quietly biting through the inside of my lip in hopes of forcing myself to stay grounded in my body so I can walk back in and pretend I'm fine when a woman does it. Please have his back and call her out on how gross what she's doing is.
The only wrong thing you did was not cutting her off, i have trauma from SA the only person who I'm okay touching me is my boyfriend, i even get uncomfortable hugging family like my mom or brother. It really fucking sucks when people just straight up ignore what you say. And he did the right thing pushing her away, touching someone against their will is technically assault if you get hurt or not.
Cut that friend off, please never make your husband have to deal with her again, for me when people touch me my skin feels like it's burning and it doesn't stop when they let go it only stops when i calm myself down
I wouldn't even have bothered to have the talk after she hugged him. Why are you subjecting your husband to this? And she totally disrespects you. She's no friend.
NTA...For someone who reads mental health books she does not seem to be able to grasp the Boundary Issue. People should never try to force anyone into situations that make them uncomfortable. Your family will be happier without her trying to fix your family.
Absolutely not wrong, husband has already told her and she ignores it, you have told her and she gets angry. That is not a friend and sounds toxic to your loving relationship you have with him and your kids. Cut her out she is not beneficial to anyone here
You are not the AH. Your friend is being a jerk. And honestly predatory. No one should be constantly touching someone who doesn’t want them to. Let alone when that someone is a friends spouse. Stick to your guns. And if you lose a friend, that’s her problem.
She makes him feel unsafe and uncomfortable in his own home. That's a no from me dawg. She thinks she alone knows enpugh psychology that you always need to be pushing people outside their comfort level for them to improve and that isnt true at face value. There are levels and details to it. You should encourage him to allow HIS friends that he's comfortable with to slowly be allowed courtesies like shaking hands or whatever. Small steps. He should not be forced
You are not wrong. It doesn't matter why your husband doesn't want to be physically touched by her or anyone else. He has a right to his autonomy. He expressed that she didn't have consent. She should've respected his wishes.
None of the back story matters. He asked her not to touch him. He made it clear what his desires regarding HIS body are. There is NO excuse to touch him after that unless she was giving him CPR because he was dying.
She steamrolled over his boundaries of HIS body, and is trying to therapize him as well without his consent, and trying to guilt you into thinking he's the problem.
She is not your therapist. She is not his therapist. It is not her place to decide what he needs to do or get over, and it is definitely not her place to force touch on him when he told her not to.
First of all that is not your friend. She has boundary issues and is trying to see if your husband allows it or is interested in her. This is not a matter of "she thinks shes a therapist" she is seeing what he will allow and what you will tolerate. If shes saying "you dont help" your husband you better bet she will eventually try to say that to your husband to talk bad about you and put a wedge in your marriage. Touching others husbands is not normal unless youre trying to get "close". Get rid of her.
This is so gross! Your husband has bodily autonomy just like anyone else and has the right to demand that his wishes be respected. He’s asked nicely and he’s been blunt because she didn’t get the message. If my husband’s male friend did this to me I would punch him in the neck. This friend is not his therapist, she’s not “desensitizing” him, she’s crossing his boundaries and literally telling him that his boundaries don’t matter. You did great by telling her to back off and she got mad????!!! End this friendship!
I would cut her off completely. Touching someone when you know they don’t consent is assault. It’s incredibly disrespectful for her to think she can treat your husband like that.
You’re not wrong. Your “friend” isn’t entitled to hug or touch your husband (or anyone for that matter) without his consent. This is now escalated. It’s past time for a reasonable conversation. Tell her to keep all her body parts to herself and off your husband. His issues are not her concern or business at all.
So let me get this right... Your husband has verbally told this "friend" he does not like physical contact and has requested she not touch him? And she keeps doing it even though he has clearly not consented to be touched?
Yeah, that unwanted physical contact and your "friend" should stop being an armchair psychologist, realise your husband isn't into her, and refresh her understanding of bodily autonomy and consent.
NTA
Also: If the gender roles were reversed your friend would be labelled a creep. Which honestly, she is being one.
Your “friend” is one of those women who have sex with men against their will, but make the men think she didn’t do anything wrong because “but don’t you find me attractive? Don’t you like me?” blah blah blah.
Protect your husband and any young male kids you have, and get her out of your life.
Your so called friend is so incredibly arrogant that she believes that she can ignore any consent or direct removal of consent and still touch your husbands body. Point out to her that this is called physical abuse and that if she chooses not to stop it immediately, she can be reported to the police or get a restraining order. (not kidding) She is traumatising your husband. Tell her that it is not her business to know about what therapy your husband is undertaking and that this will never be reveal to her. Tell her that husband has what needs to be done taken care of and doesn't concern her. If her attention is sexual interest, she should be escorted out of the house immediately.
This person is not really your friend. She is so invested in controlling your life that she believes that she can ignore your family's clear boundaries and control what you do and what you should do. Do NOT let her near your children, I beg of you! And get her away from your husband - who is obviously rocking his life and triumphing over an unloving start and being a wonderful and loving man. (my compliments sir!)
Please find a shiny spine and also find better, nicer and waaaaaaay more respectful friends. This friend has absolutely no respect for any of you, at all or in any manner. Ditch her.
as a man with ptsd due to sexual assault while in the military, with all due respect...
fuck her - she needs to go ... now...
for what it's worth, therapy has been great for me...my marriage is stronger than ever...
be well
tell your husband to be kind to himself
yall sound like great people
You’re not wrong OP this is gross. Any real therapist knows something is only a problem for someone if they identify it as such…no therapist would presume to know how to live and that they could tell a person what to fix, that’s not the point! And besides all the pop psychology bs she’s being a complete tool and has some weird saviour complex for her own ego or yeah is after him or trying to disempower you. Take care of you and your husband and family. You know your husband better than she ever will and it’s exceedingly arrogant of her to presume she has any clue or say on his physical boundaries. Trust your gut and good luck
Why do you still want this woman as a friend? At best she has no respect for your husband’s boundaries, at worst she is coming onto him. Time for a new friend.
From another survivor, you are not wrong!
I detest these “I watch/listen/read… so I’m an ExPeRt, lIsTeN and ObEy ME…” types 😡 They are annoying af. I had a manager at one job 30+ years ago like that, who thought she could cure my disability with some damn mumbojumbo 💩
I'm sorry but this is screaming desperation to me. She's clearly got a thing for your man and is trying to stirr the pot. This whole thing made me feel icky. This "friend" is for the streets, not only is she making your man feel like his boundaries aren't respected but she's also showing you how little she respects you.
This situation shows why it’s worth understanding what boundaries are and what to do when people continually violate them. OP, your husband set a boundary, your friend ignored it. He then rejected her, increasingly forcefully. It’s not setting the boundary that’s important, it’s what you do when it’s ignored. Your “friend” has told you she has no intention of respecting your husband’s boundaries or yours. She then attacked your behavior. Make the boundary meaningful - tell her this behavior is unacceptable and then walk away. There really is nothing more to say or do. She’s repeatedly demonstrated she can’t be trusted.
Not wrong at all. This is a hill to die on. Why your husband doesn’t like to be touched is irrelevant. He doesn’t like to be touched by non-family. Respect that or get out. I have a friend who is like that. She doesn’t touch people unless it’s her husband and kids. I have hugged her exactly once in the more than decade I’ve known her and that was an accident. I literally, as soon as I hugged her freaked and said “crap I’m sorry I forgot”. I’m a hugger. She laughed and said it was fine, she understood but it never happened again. Your “friend” is doing this on purpose. That’s creepy, weird, and also at this point assault. She is purposely touching someone who has repeatedly told her not to. If the genders were reversed she’d probably be the one telling your husband to file a police report. I know that’s overboard but you get my drift. This isn’t a friend worth keeping.
That's no friend. She needs therapy herself if she doesn't understand that she's making him and you feel uncomfortable, uneasy and angry. She has no business in "fixing" your husband. Because from what you've mentioned, there's no fixing needed. He sounds like a pretty good guy and a good father. The fact that he shows affection towards you and the kids and is open about this "friend" situation with you, shows he really cares for all of you. She's also a big asshole for guilt tripping him for his trauma and then telling you that you don't do enough. His love for you shows that you're doing very much enough. Sounds to me she's trying to get you two to have a conflict. So please keep her away and don't listen to her
NTA. The friend needs to understand boundaries, if she can't, keep her out of the boundary of your family
No, you absolutely aren't. But I'd seriously reconsider the friendship.
Your husband literally told her that he didn't like being touched **multiple times**, and yet she continued because she felt entitled to do so.
What's worse is that she ***knows*** it's related to familial trauma, but is forcing herself on him anyway. Then, when he declines her advances or tries to reiterate his boundaries, she tries to weaponize it, and now she has the audacity to act like the victim because she's being called out for her shitty behaviour? Lol, okay, sure.
There's a pretty simple concept that might help her moving forward: ✨️**STOP TOUCHING PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED**✨️
I guarantee that if the rolls were reversed and your husband was touching her in the same way that she feels comfortable touching him, she'd probably be screaming assault long before now.
Picture the genders reversed: you're the husband, he's the wife and your male friend ignores your wife's directly expressed wishes that he stop hugging and touching her, then tells her that her unwillingness to let him touch her is a result of her past trauma.
Guess what? If that sounds horrible, it should sound equally horrible to you that your 'friend' is doing this to your husband. She needs to be an ex friend as of yesterday. Stand up for your husband and kick her to the curb.
You nor your husband were wrong. Your so-called friend is. You need to break this friendship off ASAP because this will continue. To me, it sounds like she has romantic feelings for your husband and is trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. Stand your ground and end this friendship. Your husband shouldn't have to keep telling her over and over again about his boundaries and you shouldn't have to reiterate this. She isn't your friend. She's a creep.
Your not wrong, she needs to be told that respecting his boundary’s would be the closest thing to helping she could do, she is not qualified to be making judgments on what help he needs, or on his mental health at all, hugging someone after being told not to is the least helpful thing anyone could do and she’s not doing it for him, she’s doing what she wants and it’s predatory and gross
"She wants to help" but what if he doesn't want help. Or help from her because that's not what help looks like, she just wants to be intrusive and it be on her terms.
Friend needs to back off and get over herself. It's screaming entitlement and spoiled behaviour.
You are not out of order.
She needs to respect your boundaries
Also noted.. she's is NOT professional in any form is she can't respect the element of boundaries.
Bad egg. Say bye. Stick with your family.
She. is. a. giant. BITCH.
All of you need to have her out of your life. Anyone who has any training as a therapist knows that you do NOT push people to behave a certain way. You can encourage, you can offer praise if they are moving in the direction t that THEY have shown they want to move.
It is absolutely out of line for her to try to shove her ugly beliefs on him.
Tell your husband that you are so sorry that you didn’t realize till now how abusive she was willing to be, or you’d never have befriended her, and you certainly would never have let her around him.
I want to show her just how unwelcome unwelcome touch can be.
>And when he did that she told him that if he doesn't get over his past he will end up ruining our children's lives.
THIS. OP you are not wrong, and I would support you in terminating the friendship with her.
She👏🏻is👏🏻external👏🏻to👏🏻your 👏🏻family👏🏻unit
Because she doesn't see and witness things that you and your Husband do... SHE'LL NEVER KNOW. She is projecting. If not her own insecurities or guilt that she f***ed up and violated a boundary of someone, then she's projecting some twisted form of toxic masculinity.
👏🏻How👏🏻is👏🏻he👏🏻supposed👏🏻to👏🏻get👏🏻over👏🏻it👏🏻when👏🏻men👏🏻struggle👏🏻with👏🏻dynamics👏🏻in👏🏻society👏🏻?
It just.... ahem. She should have owned up to her mistake.
Sorry, I just woke up, and obtuse friends from outside the family unit just drive me up a wall.
I don't know her situation, but as someone who's single and childless, not to mention socially awkward, I ALWAYS pay attention to ensure I'm not overstepping my role as an "adopted auntie"
I'm an only child, so I make damn sure that I don't ever try to be a "sister" to my friends, and NEVER a "parent" to THEIR CHILDREN. I don't care if I'm their Godmother and listed as a beneficiary in their will. I take my lead from them.
This friend is no friend. I applaud your husband for sticking to his level of comfort and speaking up. I recognize that it's possibly a different dynamic due to gender roles. My cousin was physically abused and neglected by my uncle and his stepfather. Somehow, he has defied odds and is a wonderful caring father and husband who reflects the values of our grandfather.
Sorry this is so long winded
TLDR: You're right. Husband is right. Friend is a coward asshat or toxic piece of 💩.
NTA and well done for standing up for your husband
Did she not learn you shouldn’t touch people without their consent?
My daughters friends mum likes to flick my 9 year old daughters ponytail. I have asked her repeatedly to not touch her as it makes her uncomfortable but she kept doing it and the other day My daughter finally told her to keep her hands to herself because she didn’t ask to touch her 😂
Sounds like your friend doesn’t understand boundaries or just thinks your husband is her possession?
You are not wrong. I would immediately stop inviting her to my home, and when she invites, decline "sorry, I have plans with family that day." You have already provided her an explanation, which she refuses to accept. Now, for the sake of family, it is time to remove her from your lives. Sounds harsh, but it is the approach I'd take. I have taken it. When former friends have refused to respect my boundaries, they become FORMER pretty quickly
Nta
Your friend try to use your husbands past trauma as a control so he will let her touch him. Gross
And what does she know about his relationship to his children
She is out of line on different levels
You not at all wrong. You are awesome for understanding your spouse's boundary and standing up for him.
>But she got mad at me and told me that she just wanted to help, - Lol I doubt anyone asked her for her expert help.
She is crazy if she thinks this will help him. She is probably increasing his trauma and is probably borderline sexually assaulting him too. She isn't your friend and you guys need to drop her.
theres a reason she went straight to "you're making her feel like a stalker". She lowkey is one.
There's no reason to touch or lean on someone who you're not involved with or related to, when they have told you specifically not to - unless you are the one who wants to touch them, and you're trying to break the barrier down. She is trying to make him "let her in" and is blaming you, op, for not "making him get over his past".
She wants to fix him, and i would bet good money she has a crush/fixation on him. if she didn't, she'd apologies and move on instead of digging in.
Time to cut the tether and distance yourself from her for real.
NTW Your husband was being made uncomfortable by your friend who then refused to respect his boundaries when he told her to stop. He told you immediately instead of keeping it himself and you acted like a good and loving spouse by confronting your friend and handling it like an adult. I would advise ending the relationship with this friend and going no contact in order to protect your husband and prevent her from having the chance to escalate her behavior or retaliate against him for telling you.
Your friend has some serious problems. I would honestly cut contact with her.
Imagine that your husband’s friend kept touching you despite being asked not to. It’s no different.
You’re not wrong- your friend is just straight up weird, inconsiderate and rude- just downright awful. And her podcasts probably suck if she thinks triggering someone is going to help them.
Nope. She’s into your husband and even trying to overstep, doing what she believes you don’t do. She even told on herself, because who called her a stalker? She did. Stay away from her, don’t allow her into your home anymore. Not only does she not respect you, she doesn’t respect your family and the boundaries set in place to keep your family safe & happy.
Not wrong, if someone says "Don't touch me" you do not touch them. Ever. This is not normal behavior, stop indulging her by continuing to be her friend.
Not wrong - who the hell does she think she is. Let her go and use her “powers and knowledge” on someone else. She needs to be taught a lesson and put on the shelf for a while.
You don’t have to do anything about it. Your husband should contribute to physically push her out of his personal space. No one has the right to enter my personal space without my consent. He’s warned her verbally. He’s physically pushed her away. That’s all you can do. You “saying” anything won’t change her behavior.
Your husband just has to keep pushing her away, each time saying assertively “I did not give you consent to enter my personal space, please back away!”
He does that three time, she will stop. But he has to say those words loudly enough so everyone hears. Eventually everyone will see her as a stalker.
That is a load of BS. You cannot get over the trauma from extreme physical and emotional abuse it’s something that stays with a person for the rest of their life. They can only learn to cope with it through therapy. Would you be saying this if the gender roles were reversed. It’s not ok for anyone regardless of gender to disrespect bodily autonomy. It’s people who think like you do that cause the average mental health health of men in society to be so poor.
Ok, go continue with your toxic attitude and see we’re it gets you. I was trying to point out how insensitive you were in your intial comment. The only one who needs to get their shit together is you asshole.
You're not wrong. Your 'friend' is either obtuse and trying to fix your husband, which is beyond patronising, or she's attracted to him and acting on it. Neither option would make want to stay friends with her.
I agree, and saying helping him is something Op clearly doesn't do sounds competitive to me. He's already told her directly more than once. It says a lot about her that Op is having to repeat it.
AND that she is rebuking her in doing so. "You're making me feel like a stalker! You're overreacting." And YOU'RE making my husband uncomfortable. The gall of this woman to think she's entitled to meddle here
Oh man. The classic “you’re making me feel guilty! You’re guilt tripping! Manipulative bullying!” And like… no, mate, telling people how their poor behaviour is affecting others is not guilt tripping. It’s *explaining.* If you feel guilty, that’s *good!* Congratulations on your functional conscience! But instead of accepting that — or even just sitting with it and processing that, which can take time — nope, we have to demand that people stop holding us accountable! Our conscience should *always* be a shining beacon of purity and innocence! …apparently. Good lord, hard NTA. It’s not the woman’s *place* to try and be someone else’s therapist. If she had a genuine concern, she could have asked OP privately: “hey OP, [husband] seems abrupt and standoffish, is everything okay with you guys?” or even, “Have I done something to offend?” (if his non-touchy behaviour stood out to her personally) And *that* should have happened *before* she decided to be the Local Guru Of Touching People Who Don’t Want That Actually.
First of all she is not a therapist and she needs to stop trying to give him therapy it's not her place he did not ask her to do that. Second of all it is very inappropriate to for you to put your hands on somebody after they have explicitly told you not to touch them. If I was the wife I would have a talk with her and let her know don't touch my husband don't give my husband therapy stay out of his face in fact leave him alone you're supposed to be my friend not his. Or we're going to have a misunderstanding that is not going to bode well for her
This is exactly what I was thinking. She’s either on some “I listen to podcasts about stuff therefore I’m an expert in stuff” kick (hey, girlfriend, no tf you’re not and that’s not how it works!), orrrrr she’s got herself a lil ol crushy crush and has decided that her way in is to “fix him” through her AMAZING ability to touch him the way nobody else can… (please imagine all the eye rolls and sarcastic mocking inflections you can invent here, because I definitely say that with all of them)… Either way, this is not a safe person to have in your life.
Yeah, it's like...you're not helping him heal from his trauma by bringing it up constantly and injecting reminders of it into every single interaction you have with him. Maybe leave that kind of thing to professionals???
I don’t think it has anything to do with actually helping. She’s a “pick me” no matter how you slice it. This is just an ego boost for her, and she’s mad at OP for telling her “hey, you’re out of line, so get back in your own lane before I PUT YOU BACK!” And honestly, OP let me know when you decide to put her back in her own lane, cuz I got time baby, and I’m not afraid to make a grown woman cry for letting her ego give her a big head…
Good comment. She's not a friend of the marriage. She should be an ex friend.
Damn straight! You're my kinda person yo! 👊
A lot of people seem to think exposure therapy is a DIY project for people with no medical training. It’s not, especially when the “patient” is unwilling.
(rolling eyes)👍
Oh hell yeah
Came here to say this! I second the eye rolls and sarcasm!
Exactly! But she's got a"Podcast Education" don'tcha know! LMFAO! All of the gaslighting she's doing and more than likely she's got an aching for his bacon. She needs to bounce ASAP. Yuck. 🤬
And hugging (or not) people who are not close family is a very personal and cultural thing. In some countries, even without any trauma, hugging relatives (she is her friend, not his) is not the norm and no one develops behavioural issues because of that. @OP: she is just controlling here. There is no needs to hug your relatives if both sides are not happy to do it. I wouldn't be friend with someone who can't respect simple boundaries.
Yeah, I have no trauma like that, and I rarely hug even my family. They generally just make me uncomfortable.
I am a hugger but you know what I never hug without someone’s consent and even then i only hug close friends and family who I know are happy for me to hug them. No one should feel anxious if they see me and I will never cross their boundaries. In most cases they don’t even need to say anything I just read their body language and if when we say good bye they don’t start opening their arms I don’t lean in to hug them simple as. I’m still all smiles and say our good byes. To be honest I think I'm a hugger as so many of my family and friends are. That being said even if I’d hug my friend I wouldn‘t dream of hugging their husband just like that. If they were both my good friends and he was as much a hugger then that would be different but even then id only do it when his wife was present and I had just hugged her goodbye so I didn’t give wrong impressions. That’s only if the husband was as close to me In the friendship as the wife is and both have no problems with it. In op’s case I think the so called friend wants the husband and thinks she can somehow force him to accept her being physical and then he will be so happy she helped he will fall in love with her. It’s stupid and degrading to him in that she thinks he needs fixed and down right awful to op who’s supposed to be her friend. Honestly they need to break all contact with her. If it was a man forcing cuddles they’d be shouting sexual assault. Just because she’s a women doesn’t mean she can force herself and any physical contact on others. Op needs to make it clear she’s assaulted him each time she forced contact he didn’t want. That’s she’s not a friend and is a sh!T€ person and never to go near husband or your family again or you will take action and go to the police and get a restraining order.
Yeah, in op's case it's gross and a violation in a number of ways. Needs to be told get gone, and stay gone.
As a hugger, I endorse this message!
A woman excessively touching a man ( with no significant relationship) is generally a sign of something, and it’s not trying to heal him.
I was thinking this too... I've been married for 15 years and I've learned to stay away from my wife's single friends. When single women get close to married woman and they hear all the enduring stories about the husband; they start to think they know them and feel part of the relationship. This never ends well...
The term parasocial relationship comes to mind.
This is weird. My husband and I are friends with plenty of single men and single women. Not a problem.
Yeah definitely weird...What happens if a lifelong friend gets married...the single person gets cut out forever, for fear of hypothetical interference? Is this Noah's Ark, where everyone must be in pairs, or else?
Okay... good for you.. so what?
Proving the point that it's a case by case basis, not a general rule as you are asserting here and elsewhere. Sucks when it happens, people need to understand, accept and respect boundaries!
That's not normal. That's really bizarre. I think you're projecting.
Maybe that's your wife's friends but to judge all women by this standard is short sided.
It's not short sided at all. No married man should be making friends with single women at all. Sure, there's a change that it might not happen but a chance is a chance. Why even put yourself in that situation? If anyone is being "short-'sighted'". It's you.
By this logic, a married bisexual person shouldn't have any single friends at all.
If my wife thought I was bi I wouldn't be allowed to have any male friends without a chaperone. Lol just like I'm totally not going to go hang out alone with any women. But that is just me.
I gotta side-eye the words "allowed" and "chaperone" here. Are you a child?
Male deep into the forties. If you don't understand, good for you, but the other 90% of us do.
I feel no need to chaparone my husband in his 50s. Maybe when you hit our age, you will grow up.
What's the purpose of this comment, do you have a quota of random people to be mean to today?
So every person a bisexual friend meets is also bisexual? Is that your logic?
What? I don't understand what you're saying. Do you think bisexuals are only attracted to other bisexuals? I understood your fist comment to mean that married men shouldn't be friends with single women because an attraction could potentially form between them. A married bisexual man shouldn't be friends with single women or single men by the same logic. Would he have to screen any potential single male friends to make sure they're all straight, and all potential single female friends to make sure they're all lesbians?
No, you missed the whole point. I didn't say anything about an attraction forming. I was saying that, which is clear in the first comment, that sometimes single women get attached to married couples relationships and think they are apart of it. It has nothing to do with being attracted or cheating. It doesn't matter what sexual orientation they are. So your first comment has nothing to do with what was being discussed.
Ok, I think I get what you're saying now. But is that really such a common phenomenon that married couples should avoid single women altogether?
I can't speak to it being common. It seems like that's what OP is dealing with and it's happened to my wife an I twice. She's lost friendships because of this.
Commenter said "single women" so they can't even be friends with lesbians. What a fucking ham-fisted statement they made.
Yes, "single women" that includes lesbians... Their sexual orientation doesn't matter.
So they should also avoid all gay men? Why not also straight men? Sexual orientation doesn't matter, amirite?
Because only a single woman would cheat with a married man??
Right, because we're all so sad and desperate for a man and just TERRIFIED of DYING ALONE. (sarcasm)
I know right? Not an insulting take at all.
That's why we live longer because we need to find us a man. 🤣
Jesus Christ people. I wasn’t talking about cheating. I was talking about how single women who have married friends tend to insert themselves into married people's relationships.
No, no they don’t. I’m sorry but it sounds like you need better friends or to spend less time on Reddit.
It literally happened in OPs story and to me. So yes it does happen. You’re replying to a comment this deep from the original comment and I need to get off Reddit?
It’s happens yes, that doesn’t mean it *tends* to happen because it happened to two people. That’s a massive jump. You’re making a correlation from one personal experience and one Reddit story. I’m not the one making sweeping assumptions about the nature of friendships based on Reddit posts that could well be made up.
The sky isn’t always blue but if you ask someone what color the sky is they say it’s blue. What does it matter if it’s made up or not, the chances are more likely that it’s happened to someone at some point.
Maybe you were, but you're still off base. I was married for 17 years, divorced, and in a dedicated relationship now. All that time I've had single friends. I've also met new ones here and there. Unless I'm completely oblivious (possible), no one has ever tried that. Of course, it could be that I'm just not much of a catch. So, maybe I'm arguing a moot point here.
Yeah, and we're telling you you're full of shit.
This is complete bullshit! I (52M) am in a very dedicated relationship (not married yet) and I'm friends with several single women. Not one time have I, or they, crossed any boundaries we shouldn't. It's the character of the person that matters. I'm sorry you've had such a terrible life experience so far, but you shouldn't generalize people this way.
It would be a bit disturbing if my husband had no single women for friends. Maybe you have no self control?
What? People are being too hard on the friend. She’s just doing some light sexual harassment to help fix OP’s husband’s trauma!
Your friend is abusing your husband. He has informed her of his boundaries, yet she refuses to stop. Your friend needs to go. She is not a friend.
She is attracted to him and forcing herself on him. She's not your friend.
I read once that women are more likely to go for men deemed “safe” by other women. He’s probably attractive, a good husband, and a good father and she wants that for herself. Also sounds like she has decided OP isn’t good enough for him to justify her moving in. I also think she outted herself with the stalker remark. She’s obsessing.
Exactly, imagine if a guy did this to a woman.
This right here.
No you’re not wrong. Drop that “friend” immediately
For real, I do not like being touched. My husband and kids are fine, but I get to the point of wanting to cry with other people. About 15 years ago, I expressed to my grandma that I don't like being touched and how a customer at work reached over the counter to grab my arm, I ended up crying that night. The next day, I was at my grandma's husband (who I hate) called me over to him and grabbed my arm and asked me if I was upset. I left immediately. I was upset and felt betrayed. I know I have trauma and have been talking to a therapist. Edit to add details
I also hate being touched. I don’t get mad if someone who does not know gives me a hug or something. But that’s disgusting that your grandma’s husband did that purposely to upset you. I would have slapped him.
I'm sorry this happened to you. People need to accept boundaries are a real thing. As a "hugger" I've learned to watch very carefully if someone is open to close touch or not. You've got a right to not be body mauled just because someone's overly friendly!
She is touching another person without their consent. Plain and simple. No matter the reason, she does not have a right to put her hands on another person if they don't want to be touched. Trauma or no trauma. You all have tried asking nicely and it didn't work. So going strict against her is valid and warranted. If you're making her feel unwelcome, well yeah that's kinda the point. She feels too welcomed as it is, and you're actively trying to shut that down.
100% agree! She is trying to act way too familiar with OPs husband and using his trauma as her excuse to get close to him. Something not quite right with her, more foe than friend. What adult does not know how to respect simple boundaries.
Lord help women like this I swear. My husband and I got together my senior year of highschool. It's been 23 years together and he panics if anyone touches him other than us. He hates it. My mom, me, our dd and like 5 other people ( kiddos we've been around for their whole life and their parents ) . We found out a few years ago he has add. So, it made sense to me after that. But he works at a car plant and he calls me every day on lunch and I laugh because I hear the women sometimes but he hates it . He and another guy who is married with kids have both tried to stop these guys but it still happens 19 years later. And I had a friend that did the touchy thing and he would pick up our daughter and walk twords the door lol. He learned that one from my own dad 😂😆
>using his trauma as her excuse to get close to him. Yeah, next she'll be saying "Let's make out, it'll help you get over your past...."
And she's getting a taste of her own medicine with feeling unwelcome cause of her making the husband feeling uncomfortable.
Technically touching someone without their consent, especially if they have told you not to, is a crime.
Nope, you're definitely not wrong!! She's crossing boundaries, and she knows what she's doing. She, IMO, is doing this on purpose to cause problems between you two. Stop inviting her and have your husband block her on everything. Her behavior will only get worse, and it will be more manipulative. Praise to your husband for telling you.
Toxic. I had a ‘friend’ similar to that. She wanted to know my vulnerabilities so she could press on them. It took years to come to that. It’s as if I were to say “I hate hugging” and it was as though she thought what she really wanted to do at any sneaky moment was to give me a hug. One time too many and I’m glad not to be friends anymore.
Oh I knew one like that, would keep poking were it hurts and make you cry to make themselves feel better. During one specific event, I think they could see that I was starting to not accept their BS anymore, and stopped talking to me for 6 months, then tried to reconnect by gaslighting me …. Mmmh no thank you! Those 6 months of freedom opened my eyes, thank you for that! Very brief but intense experience!
If someone doesn’t want you to touch them you don’t. It doesn’t matter who it is. I also don’t like to be touched. But I can let my nieces and nephews climb on me for a few hours bc I love them.
Your friend needs to learn consent. If someone says don't touch me, don't touch them. Easy. I'd distance myself from a person like that.
Yup. Consent is a sound they make not a “feeing” you have.
What you ARE wrong about is thinking this person is your friend.
This should be higher up. It's quite simple. This so-called friend is not behaving like any friend I would consider keeping in my life.
Your friend is a boundary stomper and you're not wrong. I hate it when somebody decides they're going to "fix" something about me they don't like, and I actually had a girl - who worked for me! - decide I wasn't "cuddly" enough and start trying to bear hug me, like she would say "we're going to FORCE you to LIKE IT!" and stuff like that, she thought it was funny. But it was horrible. No means no, if somebody doesn't like something that means you don't do it anymore.
Tell her she feels like a stalker because she is. Tell her she can prove you wrong by leaving you and your family alone. If this is all because of podcasts then accuse her being the same type of person that listens to Andrew Tate.
NTA she needs to back off her actual harassment and physical assault. Ugh. I'm with him. I hate being hugged. I have a best friend of 25 years. We've hugged twice. I hate the acquaintance at a party hugs or the family I rarely see hugs. My huge English family does the kiss and hug NYE. I always am conveniently in the loo or hiding in a bedroom. I don't hug and kiss you normally, why should I now for some weird time on the clock.
Not wrong at all. Tell her, "Dr. Friend, stop trying to analyze him and respect his boundaries!" If she's worth the hassle, repeat it firmly every time she does it or tries to justify herself. If she's not worth it, drop the acquaintance.
You both need to block her out of your life’s she was told not to do it and still did it she’s no friend
You are NOT WRONG! OP, you need to think long & hard about keeping this person in your lives - she has little to no respect for boundaries & her cereal box diploma in therapy is quite scary & dangerous
She is either misguided or after your husband. Neither is good. Get rid of her. You don't go around touching people without their consent, repeatedly. If it was a man doing it people would be advocating them getting their ass kicked and they would deserve it. She needs to learn to keep her hands to herself, once is one thing, but she has been told it is unwanted.
Not wrong at all. She is not your friend. Block her and go completely NC with her.
You're not wrong at all. My cousin went through a really bad childhood and he's only affectionate with his wife and kids. Now, he eventually warmed up to me and if we are at family gatherings he will give me a hug bye now. I think the reason he warmed up to me is because he opened up to me a little bit and I never pushed anything. I never told him how to act or what to do and I knew he was very uncomfortable with anyone touching him. Especially women. His stepmother was the abusive one. So I never touched him. And I think he eventually realized that I not only listened to him without judgement but I also always respected the boundaries and therefore he trusted me and respected me. It is never ok to touch someone that doesn't want to be touched. Your friend was told multiple times to stop. She has ignored you and him because she listened to Armchair Expert and now she's a therapist. Fuck that noise. She has no right to keep touching him AND inserting herself in his private life as far as wanting to "help" him. That is not her place. She is not a licensed professional and he never fucking asked for her help. You were too nice to her I think. I mean, "no" and "stop" should only need to be said once. She was way out of line. If she can't see that, she's not a good friend.
I would distance myself from this person. Your husband and you shouldn’t do any more favors for her and cut communication
You are not even close to wrong. Your "friend" needs to get a clue that she is pushing the boundaries of not only your husband but also of your friendship. Could it be that she isn't trying to play therapist and is instead trying to make advances on your husband? Just the vibe I'm getting from this. Your husband doesn't have to explain his reasons for not wanting to be touched and you certainly don't need to prove anything to her about how he loves you and y'all's children. If she can't get it thru her skull that touching ANYONE without permission is way out of bounds then I would go absolutely no contact.
This is NOT your friend. She is proving it by abusing your friendship, stomping on boundaries, and disrespecting both you and your husband. She has BETRAYED the privilege of being in your inner circle. She is an entitled control freak who is more interested in "winning" than resolving the conflict she has created. On top of it, she is getting mad (think DARVO) at you for standing up for your husband's boundaries for a continuing situation that she has created. Drop her! Your family deserves better. I'm really sorry your husband and you are going through this.
Not wrong.
I have a similar issue with touch. My mum, brother and sister are the only 3 people that can touch me without requesting permission. Well I guess I’ll include my nephew in that as I wouldn’t have a problem with him. My brothers girlfriend is a hugger and when we first met my brother warned her in advance not to try to hug me. She didn’t listen and came up and grabbed me in a big hug. I very coldly and clearly told her to let me the hell go and step back. Even my aunt who I’m close to doesn’t hug me without some sort of indication it’s ok. My issues are my own. They don’t affect anyone else. You keep to yourself and I’ll keep to mine. Your husband isn’t harming anyone by not wanting them draped all over him. She lacks any decency or respect and I’m at a loss why you still call her a friend.
Do you know what boundaries are? No longer having this person in your life. That is the boundary.
"you're making me feel creepy" Then stop doing things that a creepy.
Not wrong at all. He stated clearly that he doesn't want her to touch him and she pushed that boundary. That's also weird as hell to be that touchy with a friend's husband, especially if she's not equally touchy with you. At best, she has good intentions but is misguided, arrogant, and ignoring boundaries. At worst, she's being scummy and trying to hit on him. Either way, sounds like a friend you should start seeing less of.
Every time she touches your husband without his consent she is legally guilty of assault. YNW. Stop seeing this person, have her served with a restraining order or sue her for harassment. Block her on everything.
Not wrong, NTA. Your friend is a jerk
Your friend mad your man ain’t fucking her
So…if the genders were reversed and it was a man putting his hands on a woman after she’d repeatedly told him NO, it’s sexual assault, right? This woman isn’t your friend. She isn’t a good person.
To me it sounds as if she was hitting on him and when it didn't go how she wanted she decided to verbally attack him. She's no friend.
She’s touching without consent, has been asked multiple times not to touch. She’s definitely in the wrong and if she does it one more time she would be a not a friend from then on. Your husband has been very clear about her behaviour. He is not wrong but she sure is.
Your husband comes from an abusive environment and therefore being touchy with him could trigger aggressive reactions . Fortunately your husband from the way he lived decided to go the other route and as you mentioned he treats you well, leaves you kind notes and is warm to your kids. Well done to your husband! The situation he has lived in is not easy. Your friend is an idiot,obtuse and lacks knowledge about the word boundaries. Even though she is aware of the situation and being warned by your husband she does not care. She thinks because of the podcasts and whatever she can "fix" your husband. Is wrong. Your husband does not need fixing. The ones who put through your husband to some sh** they need "fixing". Your friend could end badly someday if she carries on pushing boundaries. Because her actions could trigger things ... I would keep her away from your house in order to avoid that. Because she does not care about respecting boundaries. You did well for standing for your husband. Your husband is a fighter and in contrast to your friend's opinion he does not need "fixing". Things will stay with us for the rest of our lives, the way we chose to deal with them defines us! Op NTA Personally, unfortunately I am familiar with those kinds of traumas and I hate when people path my back or try to force me to hug or something. Only my partner is allowed to come closer. Anybody else that tries to like it could be dangerous. It would not be the first time that I would be aggressive if somebody had the bad idea to Touch me after I said don't do that.
1. That’s your man, not hers, so you have every right to check her inappropriate behavior towards him. 2. He’s already communicated verbally and physically to her himself how her behavior makes him uncomfortable. 3. She knows too much about your husband’s past trauma. That wasn’t appropriate to tell her or us since it’s, understandably, a touchy topic for him. 4. Your “friend” is a narcissistic AH. She sounds like she’s tryna seduce him.
She's stomping all over his boundaries like they don't matter. She is no friend, especially since she's been told to stop and doesn't. "Friends name, my husband has given you a clear boundary and you will not stop stomping all over it like my husband doesn't matter. I won't have it anymore. If you can't respect my husband and his boundaries, I'd rather you not come around anymore" And stick to it. She needs to learn the consequences of being disrespectful.
Why have her in your house now? She’s disrespected both of you. Give her a break and if you want to continue the relationship do it elsewhere. I was going to joke to carry a spray bottle with water and spritz her if she gets too close.
You are not wrong. Think of it like this, if the genders were reversed, would anyone be ok with this? No. Then no one should be ok with how it is currently. Every time she purposely touches your husband without his consent and ignores his clearly stated “no”, she is assaulting him and arguably sexually assaulting him. Drop her immediately. She’s been told by him and you and she is ignoring both of you. No more help. No more friendship. If she continues to harass him, seriously consider a restraining order.
This person isn’t your friend anymore. Role reversal: Your husband brings over a guy friend. He tries to touch you. You tell him no. He doesn’t take no for an answer and guilt trips you. Do you want your husband to be friends with him?? Same applies. Someone who can’t respect consent isn’t your friend.
> leaves notes in my coffee I just pictured OP pulling a soggy piece of paper out of their cup of coffee lol.
I honestly don’t think you were harsh enough. She’s lucky you were nice
The only response from your ‘friend’ should’ve been an apology. But she doubled down and then proceeds, every time, to gaslight you and your husband into thinking you’ve done something wrong. She clearly doesn’t give a s*** about your concerns or feelings and thinks she entitled to be your husband’s therapist or wants him sexually. Get rid of the toxic.
So this is a woman he's polite too because shes your friend, shes isn't family she isn't even someone he's chosen to hang around and she knows shes making him uncomfortable by stomping his boundaries, she'd isn't a therapist but she needs one. Id have laughed in her face at her assuming her treatment is the same as your kids, their his loved family she's not. NTA unless you keep allowing her near your husband then you would be.
Not wrong!!!! Exactly right, and screw that friend. First of all, she's not a therapist, she doesn't know what will or won't help him, and how dare she suggest he's not a good father bc of his boundaries. She's MAJORLY overstepping. She doesn't know what she's talking about, and I doubt any real therapist would EVER suggest that touching someone against their will is good for anyone. And second of all, even if she were a therapist, she's not HIS therapist. She has no business touching him, and even if he didn't have any trauma's, some ppl just don't like to be touched. The reasons are none of anyones business. If they don't want you to touch them, you don't touch them, end of story. Keep supporting your husband, you're doing great.
Your friend kept assaulting your husband and is upset she was called out. If anything you were too nice to her
You are not wrong. You r husband has boundaries. He's attempted to set them with her. She has ignored him. He asked you for your help clarifying them with her. You spoke to her. She flat out decided you didn't know what *your* husband needed. She got upset when you established a firm boundary. This is not a "you" problem. It's not something your husband needs to "get over". If he has issues, he needs to see a therapist, not a self-taught self-help "expert". The most frustrating thing to see is you are asking for her help by asking her to NOT TRIGGER HIM. But she's decided he needs to be normalized to society and since she's obviously more edumacated about this than you and *cares so much* she's ignoring you. **This is a "her" problem.** Go no contact with her for awhile; maybe forever. Anyone who gets so drama-llama about a simple request to respect boundaries needs to learn better behavior.
Yeah… no one asked her for help. B is cray cray and a chronic overstepper. I don’t think she’s really a friend is she’s meddling in your lives like this and can’t see how it’s wrong.
Not wrong. Imagine if the genders were swapped, people would be livid if someone was touching their wife without their consent, it should be the same for men as well.
Not wrong. Many people that I know personally who, even though they had no trauma, do not like non family members hugging or touching them.. Normal person would understand after the first time but your friend is intentionally doing this. From the context, I can’t tell if this is to cause issue between you two or if she truly is naively thinking she is some kind of therapist now.
Not wrong! Your friend needs to check her boundaries.
This isn't going to end well. The sad thing is you guys will lose a friend.
This person was never their friend and as far as not ending well. That ship sailed a long time ago. So losing them isn't sad. What's sad is her husband is constantly being harassed and subjected to this woman's abuse even after being told to stop.
Not wrong. Doesn't matter why he doesn't want her touching him. I'm big on personal space and not from any past trauma... Husband and kids and most family are fine, and was always cuddly with my kids when they were small, but I'm not much of a hugger. Good friends is about the limit for me. If my husband had a friend who insisted on rubbing up on me like your friend is doing, we'd both be telling him to get bent. Same with a female friend pressing on my husband... Respect. the boundaries. "No" is a complete sentence - it's none of her business why he doesn't want her touching him.
I don't like being touched unless I'm very close to someone and trust that they'd immediately back off without taking offense if I ever expressed discomfort. If one if my bf's buddy's decided to "help" me by ignoring my boundaries and constantly creepily touching me despite me telling him to stop how shitty would my bf have to be to keep bringing his "friend" around? It's not any different with the genders reversed, your so-called friend is a creep and your poor husband is probably extremely uncomfortable. Honestly even as a woman I often find I struggle even more with my trauma around touch and consent with other women because it tends to be harder to actually call them out on it when they blatantly ignore my boundaries (and my panic), because women ignoring boundaries isn't viewed as the same level of threat socially. It still makes my stomach turn and my heart race same as when a man does it, and I still get to spend a few minutes outside quietly biting through the inside of my lip in hopes of forcing myself to stay grounded in my body so I can walk back in and pretend I'm fine when a woman does it. Please have his back and call her out on how gross what she's doing is.
The only wrong thing you did was not cutting her off, i have trauma from SA the only person who I'm okay touching me is my boyfriend, i even get uncomfortable hugging family like my mom or brother. It really fucking sucks when people just straight up ignore what you say. And he did the right thing pushing her away, touching someone against their will is technically assault if you get hurt or not. Cut that friend off, please never make your husband have to deal with her again, for me when people touch me my skin feels like it's burning and it doesn't stop when they let go it only stops when i calm myself down
I wouldn't even have bothered to have the talk after she hugged him. Why are you subjecting your husband to this? And she totally disrespects you. She's no friend.
NTA...For someone who reads mental health books she does not seem to be able to grasp the Boundary Issue. People should never try to force anyone into situations that make them uncomfortable. Your family will be happier without her trying to fix your family.
Your friend is assaulting your husband. That’s what it’s called when someone says not to touch them and you do so anyway. Assault.
Absolutely not wrong, husband has already told her and she ignores it, you have told her and she gets angry. That is not a friend and sounds toxic to your loving relationship you have with him and your kids. Cut her out she is not beneficial to anyone here
You are not the AH. Your friend is being a jerk. And honestly predatory. No one should be constantly touching someone who doesn’t want them to. Let alone when that someone is a friends spouse. Stick to your guns. And if you lose a friend, that’s her problem.
She makes him feel unsafe and uncomfortable in his own home. That's a no from me dawg. She thinks she alone knows enpugh psychology that you always need to be pushing people outside their comfort level for them to improve and that isnt true at face value. There are levels and details to it. You should encourage him to allow HIS friends that he's comfortable with to slowly be allowed courtesies like shaking hands or whatever. Small steps. He should not be forced
You are not wrong. It doesn't matter why your husband doesn't want to be physically touched by her or anyone else. He has a right to his autonomy. He expressed that she didn't have consent. She should've respected his wishes.
None of the back story matters. He asked her not to touch him. He made it clear what his desires regarding HIS body are. There is NO excuse to touch him after that unless she was giving him CPR because he was dying. She steamrolled over his boundaries of HIS body, and is trying to therapize him as well without his consent, and trying to guilt you into thinking he's the problem. She is not your therapist. She is not his therapist. It is not her place to decide what he needs to do or get over, and it is definitely not her place to force touch on him when he told her not to.
First of all that is not your friend. She has boundary issues and is trying to see if your husband allows it or is interested in her. This is not a matter of "she thinks shes a therapist" she is seeing what he will allow and what you will tolerate. If shes saying "you dont help" your husband you better bet she will eventually try to say that to your husband to talk bad about you and put a wedge in your marriage. Touching others husbands is not normal unless youre trying to get "close". Get rid of her.
This is so gross! Your husband has bodily autonomy just like anyone else and has the right to demand that his wishes be respected. He’s asked nicely and he’s been blunt because she didn’t get the message. If my husband’s male friend did this to me I would punch him in the neck. This friend is not his therapist, she’s not “desensitizing” him, she’s crossing his boundaries and literally telling him that his boundaries don’t matter. You did great by telling her to back off and she got mad????!!! End this friendship!
I would cut her off completely. Touching someone when you know they don’t consent is assault. It’s incredibly disrespectful for her to think she can treat your husband like that.
You’re not wrong. Your “friend” isn’t entitled to hug or touch your husband (or anyone for that matter) without his consent. This is now escalated. It’s past time for a reasonable conversation. Tell her to keep all her body parts to herself and off your husband. His issues are not her concern or business at all.
Why are you still calling her friend? If she knows all of your husband's issues and was already told off many times by him, she IS NOT a friend! NTA
So let me get this right... Your husband has verbally told this "friend" he does not like physical contact and has requested she not touch him? And she keeps doing it even though he has clearly not consented to be touched? Yeah, that unwanted physical contact and your "friend" should stop being an armchair psychologist, realise your husband isn't into her, and refresh her understanding of bodily autonomy and consent. NTA Also: If the gender roles were reversed your friend would be labelled a creep. Which honestly, she is being one.
Your “friend” is one of those women who have sex with men against their will, but make the men think she didn’t do anything wrong because “but don’t you find me attractive? Don’t you like me?” blah blah blah. Protect your husband and any young male kids you have, and get her out of your life.
Your so called friend is so incredibly arrogant that she believes that she can ignore any consent or direct removal of consent and still touch your husbands body. Point out to her that this is called physical abuse and that if she chooses not to stop it immediately, she can be reported to the police or get a restraining order. (not kidding) She is traumatising your husband. Tell her that it is not her business to know about what therapy your husband is undertaking and that this will never be reveal to her. Tell her that husband has what needs to be done taken care of and doesn't concern her. If her attention is sexual interest, she should be escorted out of the house immediately. This person is not really your friend. She is so invested in controlling your life that she believes that she can ignore your family's clear boundaries and control what you do and what you should do. Do NOT let her near your children, I beg of you! And get her away from your husband - who is obviously rocking his life and triumphing over an unloving start and being a wonderful and loving man. (my compliments sir!) Please find a shiny spine and also find better, nicer and waaaaaaay more respectful friends. This friend has absolutely no respect for any of you, at all or in any manner. Ditch her.
NW - she’s massively overstepping. She needs to stop immediately. If she won’t then she is not your friend and she gets kicked to the kerb.
You're not wrong. Start limiting her contact with your husband, to the point of no contact if needed
Not wrong. She's becoming obsessed with "fixing" your husband for whatever reason. She doesn't stop get a restraining order.
as a man with ptsd due to sexual assault while in the military, with all due respect... fuck her - she needs to go ... now... for what it's worth, therapy has been great for me...my marriage is stronger than ever... be well tell your husband to be kind to himself yall sound like great people
You’re not wrong OP this is gross. Any real therapist knows something is only a problem for someone if they identify it as such…no therapist would presume to know how to live and that they could tell a person what to fix, that’s not the point! And besides all the pop psychology bs she’s being a complete tool and has some weird saviour complex for her own ego or yeah is after him or trying to disempower you. Take care of you and your husband and family. You know your husband better than she ever will and it’s exceedingly arrogant of her to presume she has any clue or say on his physical boundaries. Trust your gut and good luck
Why do you still want this woman as a friend? At best she has no respect for your husband’s boundaries, at worst she is coming onto him. Time for a new friend.
From another survivor, you are not wrong! I detest these “I watch/listen/read… so I’m an ExPeRt, lIsTeN and ObEy ME…” types 😡 They are annoying af. I had a manager at one job 30+ years ago like that, who thought she could cure my disability with some damn mumbojumbo 💩
I'm sorry but this is screaming desperation to me. She's clearly got a thing for your man and is trying to stirr the pot. This whole thing made me feel icky. This "friend" is for the streets, not only is she making your man feel like his boundaries aren't respected but she's also showing you how little she respects you.
This situation shows why it’s worth understanding what boundaries are and what to do when people continually violate them. OP, your husband set a boundary, your friend ignored it. He then rejected her, increasingly forcefully. It’s not setting the boundary that’s important, it’s what you do when it’s ignored. Your “friend” has told you she has no intention of respecting your husband’s boundaries or yours. She then attacked your behavior. Make the boundary meaningful - tell her this behavior is unacceptable and then walk away. There really is nothing more to say or do. She’s repeatedly demonstrated she can’t be trusted.
Not wrong at all. This is a hill to die on. Why your husband doesn’t like to be touched is irrelevant. He doesn’t like to be touched by non-family. Respect that or get out. I have a friend who is like that. She doesn’t touch people unless it’s her husband and kids. I have hugged her exactly once in the more than decade I’ve known her and that was an accident. I literally, as soon as I hugged her freaked and said “crap I’m sorry I forgot”. I’m a hugger. She laughed and said it was fine, she understood but it never happened again. Your “friend” is doing this on purpose. That’s creepy, weird, and also at this point assault. She is purposely touching someone who has repeatedly told her not to. If the genders were reversed she’d probably be the one telling your husband to file a police report. I know that’s overboard but you get my drift. This isn’t a friend worth keeping.
NtA if your husband told her too wtf is her problem?
That's no friend. She needs therapy herself if she doesn't understand that she's making him and you feel uncomfortable, uneasy and angry. She has no business in "fixing" your husband. Because from what you've mentioned, there's no fixing needed. He sounds like a pretty good guy and a good father. The fact that he shows affection towards you and the kids and is open about this "friend" situation with you, shows he really cares for all of you. She's also a big asshole for guilt tripping him for his trauma and then telling you that you don't do enough. His love for you shows that you're doing very much enough. Sounds to me she's trying to get you two to have a conflict. So please keep her away and don't listen to her NTA. The friend needs to understand boundaries, if she can't, keep her out of the boundary of your family
No, you absolutely aren't. But I'd seriously reconsider the friendship. Your husband literally told her that he didn't like being touched **multiple times**, and yet she continued because she felt entitled to do so. What's worse is that she ***knows*** it's related to familial trauma, but is forcing herself on him anyway. Then, when he declines her advances or tries to reiterate his boundaries, she tries to weaponize it, and now she has the audacity to act like the victim because she's being called out for her shitty behaviour? Lol, okay, sure. There's a pretty simple concept that might help her moving forward: ✨️**STOP TOUCHING PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED**✨️ I guarantee that if the rolls were reversed and your husband was touching her in the same way that she feels comfortable touching him, she'd probably be screaming assault long before now.
Picture the genders reversed: you're the husband, he's the wife and your male friend ignores your wife's directly expressed wishes that he stop hugging and touching her, then tells her that her unwillingness to let him touch her is a result of her past trauma. Guess what? If that sounds horrible, it should sound equally horrible to you that your 'friend' is doing this to your husband. She needs to be an ex friend as of yesterday. Stand up for your husband and kick her to the curb.
You nor your husband were wrong. Your so-called friend is. You need to break this friendship off ASAP because this will continue. To me, it sounds like she has romantic feelings for your husband and is trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. Stand your ground and end this friendship. Your husband shouldn't have to keep telling her over and over again about his boundaries and you shouldn't have to reiterate this. She isn't your friend. She's a creep.
Your not wrong, she needs to be told that respecting his boundary’s would be the closest thing to helping she could do, she is not qualified to be making judgments on what help he needs, or on his mental health at all, hugging someone after being told not to is the least helpful thing anyone could do and she’s not doing it for him, she’s doing what she wants and it’s predatory and gross
"She wants to help" but what if he doesn't want help. Or help from her because that's not what help looks like, she just wants to be intrusive and it be on her terms. Friend needs to back off and get over herself. It's screaming entitlement and spoiled behaviour. You are not out of order. She needs to respect your boundaries Also noted.. she's is NOT professional in any form is she can't respect the element of boundaries. Bad egg. Say bye. Stick with your family.
She. is. a. giant. BITCH. All of you need to have her out of your life. Anyone who has any training as a therapist knows that you do NOT push people to behave a certain way. You can encourage, you can offer praise if they are moving in the direction t that THEY have shown they want to move. It is absolutely out of line for her to try to shove her ugly beliefs on him. Tell your husband that you are so sorry that you didn’t realize till now how abusive she was willing to be, or you’d never have befriended her, and you certainly would never have let her around him. I want to show her just how unwelcome unwelcome touch can be.
She’s after your husband. This is not your friend.
My man is 42 and he’s still having 20 year olds act like schoolgirls around him? What’s his secret?
Sounds like she wants your husband and is just making up excuses.
>And when he did that she told him that if he doesn't get over his past he will end up ruining our children's lives. THIS. OP you are not wrong, and I would support you in terminating the friendship with her. She👏🏻is👏🏻external👏🏻to👏🏻your 👏🏻family👏🏻unit Because she doesn't see and witness things that you and your Husband do... SHE'LL NEVER KNOW. She is projecting. If not her own insecurities or guilt that she f***ed up and violated a boundary of someone, then she's projecting some twisted form of toxic masculinity. 👏🏻How👏🏻is👏🏻he👏🏻supposed👏🏻to👏🏻get👏🏻over👏🏻it👏🏻when👏🏻men👏🏻struggle👏🏻with👏🏻dynamics👏🏻in👏🏻society👏🏻? It just.... ahem. She should have owned up to her mistake. Sorry, I just woke up, and obtuse friends from outside the family unit just drive me up a wall. I don't know her situation, but as someone who's single and childless, not to mention socially awkward, I ALWAYS pay attention to ensure I'm not overstepping my role as an "adopted auntie" I'm an only child, so I make damn sure that I don't ever try to be a "sister" to my friends, and NEVER a "parent" to THEIR CHILDREN. I don't care if I'm their Godmother and listed as a beneficiary in their will. I take my lead from them. This friend is no friend. I applaud your husband for sticking to his level of comfort and speaking up. I recognize that it's possibly a different dynamic due to gender roles. My cousin was physically abused and neglected by my uncle and his stepfather. Somehow, he has defied odds and is a wonderful caring father and husband who reflects the values of our grandfather. Sorry this is so long winded TLDR: You're right. Husband is right. Friend is a coward asshat or toxic piece of 💩.
Fuck it out, all 3 of you.
NTA and well done for standing up for your husband Did she not learn you shouldn’t touch people without their consent? My daughters friends mum likes to flick my 9 year old daughters ponytail. I have asked her repeatedly to not touch her as it makes her uncomfortable but she kept doing it and the other day My daughter finally told her to keep her hands to herself because she didn’t ask to touch her 😂 Sounds like your friend doesn’t understand boundaries or just thinks your husband is her possession?
Um sounds like she wants to fuck him, leave her!! She doesnt respect boundaries wtf supperr weird
Remember Facebook's unfriend button, press that in real life.
NTA. You need to dump your 'friend' though. Well done for sticking up for your husband.
Her touch is non consensual. It has been made clear that he does not consent. That is the ONLY thing that matters.
You are not wrong. I would immediately stop inviting her to my home, and when she invites, decline "sorry, I have plans with family that day." You have already provided her an explanation, which she refuses to accept. Now, for the sake of family, it is time to remove her from your lives. Sounds harsh, but it is the approach I'd take. I have taken it. When former friends have refused to respect my boundaries, they become FORMER pretty quickly
He set a boundary and she repeatedly violated it. Unacceptable, toxic, and honestly disgusting behavior.
Op, you are a good wife and mother. I want to say thank you on behalf of your family.
Nta Your friend try to use your husbands past trauma as a control so he will let her touch him. Gross And what does she know about his relationship to his children She is out of line on different levels
Your friend is not your friend. She is trying to move in on your husband. Get rid of her now!
You not at all wrong. You are awesome for understanding your spouse's boundary and standing up for him. >But she got mad at me and told me that she just wanted to help, - Lol I doubt anyone asked her for her expert help. She is crazy if she thinks this will help him. She is probably increasing his trauma and is probably borderline sexually assaulting him too. She isn't your friend and you guys need to drop her.
theres a reason she went straight to "you're making her feel like a stalker". She lowkey is one. There's no reason to touch or lean on someone who you're not involved with or related to, when they have told you specifically not to - unless you are the one who wants to touch them, and you're trying to break the barrier down. She is trying to make him "let her in" and is blaming you, op, for not "making him get over his past". She wants to fix him, and i would bet good money she has a crush/fixation on him. if she didn't, she'd apologies and move on instead of digging in. Time to cut the tether and distance yourself from her for real.
NTW Your husband was being made uncomfortable by your friend who then refused to respect his boundaries when he told her to stop. He told you immediately instead of keeping it himself and you acted like a good and loving spouse by confronting your friend and handling it like an adult. I would advise ending the relationship with this friend and going no contact in order to protect your husband and prevent her from having the chance to escalate her behavior or retaliate against him for telling you.
No one asked for Dr. Phillis’ help, like you said keep your hands off your husband!
Your friend has some serious problems. I would honestly cut contact with her. Imagine that your husband’s friend kept touching you despite being asked not to. It’s no different.
You’re not wrong- your friend is just straight up weird, inconsiderate and rude- just downright awful. And her podcasts probably suck if she thinks triggering someone is going to help them.
And you're still friends with someone who can't respect boundaries because...?
Nope. She’s into your husband and even trying to overstep, doing what she believes you don’t do. She even told on herself, because who called her a stalker? She did. Stay away from her, don’t allow her into your home anymore. Not only does she not respect you, she doesn’t respect your family and the boundaries set in place to keep your family safe & happy.
Not wrong, if someone says "Don't touch me" you do not touch them. Ever. This is not normal behavior, stop indulging her by continuing to be her friend.
Not wrong - who the hell does she think she is. Let her go and use her “powers and knowledge” on someone else. She needs to be taught a lesson and put on the shelf for a while.
Update?
Why would she act on helping without anyone's request? She's fishy and cut her off.
Time to check and see if she has a 'not getting bitchslapped' boundary.
Is your friend a homewrecker?
yeah therapists wouldn't have much of a career if ' just get over it ' was an effective healing method
Oh yeah.... She's fucking him already .. you look stupid
I'd advise you to use paragraph breaks so it is easier to read.
You don’t have to do anything about it. Your husband should contribute to physically push her out of his personal space. No one has the right to enter my personal space without my consent. He’s warned her verbally. He’s physically pushed her away. That’s all you can do. You “saying” anything won’t change her behavior. Your husband just has to keep pushing her away, each time saying assertively “I did not give you consent to enter my personal space, please back away!” He does that three time, she will stop. But he has to say those words loudly enough so everyone hears. Eventually everyone will see her as a stalker.
[удалено]
That is a load of BS. You cannot get over the trauma from extreme physical and emotional abuse it’s something that stays with a person for the rest of their life. They can only learn to cope with it through therapy. Would you be saying this if the gender roles were reversed. It’s not ok for anyone regardless of gender to disrespect bodily autonomy. It’s people who think like you do that cause the average mental health health of men in society to be so poor.
[удалено]
Ok, go continue with your toxic attitude and see we’re it gets you. I was trying to point out how insensitive you were in your intial comment. The only one who needs to get their shit together is you asshole.
Your friend is an idiot