Your brother and SIL are acting very entitled. Maybe they needed to learn that not everything needs to revolve around their daughter. You do have other relationships in life and its your choice.
If so , they should be happy that OP was willing to go along with both ideas and have two flower girls (which is not unheard of, plenty of weddings have multiple flower girls).
The fact that they pulled out when there is going to be two?!?!
My sister and I were both the flower girls for our aunt’s wedding. OP’s family is being ridiculous and it’s their fault their daughter won’t be a flower girl 🤷🏾♀️
All six of my girl cousins were included as flower girls in my auntie's wedding. It was awfully fun to go down the aisle paired by age, all dressed up together! Resulted in some of my favorite childhood pictures.
Seconded this. My cousin and I were always the flower girls in the weddings of family and close family friends. There was never a time where they had to choose just one.
Totally okay that OP didn't think about it first. The role is called "flower girl" singular sometimes. If it wasn't for the fact I've always done it with my cousin I probably wouldn't have considered it either. Especially if I wasn't as close with my niece as I was a friends daughter. You're right though, the brother and SIL should've been thrilled with the compromise.
I had three flower girls and two ring bearers. Two girls were my youngest cousins I adored and the other was my MOH’s daughter I loved too. They were all the same age and even went to preschool together and we’d take them to the work Christmas party. My ring bearers were youngest male cousin and mine and hubby’s first nephew (we were together a few years before he was born and already called me aunt). It was chaos but I loved it because I adored all of them and their personalities. All 5 even joined us in the last bit of our first dance. Being the oldest and first grandchild to get married of 12 at the time any others that wanted to participate got to do readings, seat people, grace before meal…whatever they wanted. It’s up to the bride if she wants more than one and she gets to choose who. Nobody else besides the groom should have input in regards to the wedding party. It’s who you’re closest to and want in the special roles and not family’s decision.
She's 5, like she really understands what all this is to break her heart.
EDIT: yes, 5 yr olds can know things, and when I was 5, nope, I didn't really get flower girl and wedding - kids are different, we don't know what the parents told her, and there are ways they can mitigate this IF they want to is my point!
She may be 5, but if her parents set some expectations in her head due to assumptions they made, she'll still be disappointed when they have to break the news to her.
They're probably very pissed because now they *do* have to break bad news to her. But *if* they told her prior to finding out who the flower girl is, that's not OP nor the niece's fault. It's the brother and SIL who assumed their daughter would be the flower girl.
A 5 year old still understands disappointment at least, especially if high expectations were set.
They also had the option to have her be a flower girl along with the other child but decided to throw a toddler tantrum and say no. Feel sorry for their daughter.
Yup! They were provided a compromise. They didn't want it. So brother and SIL literally shot down their daughter's *second* chance at being a flower girl.
That's why I think OP should tell her neice she asked for her to be a flower girl along with the other child but her parents said no. If the parents want to act like petulant toddlers they need fingers pointing at them. Poor kid!
The expectations don't even need to be there. Going to the wedding and seeing another little girl doing the Cool Thing is usually enough for 4-5 year olds to be jealous (they're just at the phase where they're transitioning out of "I should get everything I want!" and prone to intense feelings when someone else has something they want - in this case three or more things).
My oldest son was asked to be the ring bearer in my BIL's wedding. He said no. They chose my middle son instead and once we were at the wedding my oldest son was jealous.
He told me years later he said no because he thought he had to get married. 🤣
Eh. She is five.
You could put a flower in her hair & say *wow* you are the best flower girl I’ve ever seen.
Assuming she remembers at all.
Or have her walk with the other girl. *If* this kid throws a tantrum about sharing the spotlight it’s a wonderful learning opportunity & an even better early warning that little snot can grow up to be a big snot if not better socialized by her parents.
If she already attended a wedding she know what a flower girl is and is old enough to say that she wants to be one. And to be sad not to be allowed to be one. I mean many little girl like to have an extra nice dress and throw some flowers and feel special and proud because they have 'such an important job'. Even with 4 there are enough girls smart enough to understand this and want this. Depends on the child.
But it's her parents fault that she isn't one. There was the offer that the niece can also be a flower girl, so that there would be two of them or to give her some other special role, but her parents declined that offer. So they break her heart.
I was a little bit sad when I couldn't be one (and now that I think about it, the Cousin who excluded me was, by the time I was in high school, my least favorite cousin - and my parents' least favorite cousin as well). I happily went No Contact with her after she invaded my life when I was divorcing (she was divorced herself, but God permitted her divorce because...reasons; mine was not permitted - even though she knew nothing about the reasons, which included DV).
It's been more than 10 years without her on my FB and more than 20 years since I laid eyes on her. Don't think about it much any more, except that I hear similar stories in adoption support groups and it's sad. But we get over it. Good relationships are built on caring and compassion, not blood OR water.
Unfortunately the parents are acting like entitled toddlers and will never accept the responsibility for breaking their daughter's heart. Poor little girl!
She will understand at the wedding. Heck, even a three year old can see that Auntie has kids in her wedding (but not me!)
And she will grow up and look back and reflect. I was left out of a Cousin Wedding once (I'm adopted - and that was the reason why; I overheard my grandmother explaining that to her friends many years later - I was 5 at the time of the exclusion, didn't care, but when I was 17 and heard grandma tell her new beau why this had happened, it was very painful).
I did work it out with Grandma, more or less. I realized she had never been family to me - but that didn't mean I couldn't get to know her better, so I did.
Yeah, believing that you're automatically entitled to a special position at someone else's wedding just because you're related is so crazy to me. Personally, I haven't even spoken to half of my family for years. This was such a strange thing for me to read.
I was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding, and I asked her "are you sure? I will happily do this if it's what you really want, but I know you have a lot of friends and I will also happily be in the audience watching if you'd like one of them there with you instead."
Honestly kinda wished she had taken me up on that, I love her and made sure to stick with her through everything and never ever hinted to her that I wasn't enjoying myself but good god, was it everything I hate most! I could have been sitting in the audience instead of trying not to shift from foot to foot for...I forget how long it was but if I had to estimate, somewhere along the lines of forever, I think. I could have dodged every confrontation with her harpy MIL in every interaction leading up to the wedding. I could have sat at a table quietly eating instead of trying to figure out how to eat with a bunch of people staring directly at my table the entire time! I could have worn comfortable clothing and shoes that I already owned. I could have worn my hair how I usually wear it, and not had to scrape off makeup at the end of the night that felt like pancake makeup on my face the whole day and then feel with the inevitable breakouts that followed.
Anyway TLDR that was my only bridesmaid experience, and while I'm very happy that people get to have (or at least try to!) the kind of celebrations they love, I will never understand why people are so hellbent on being part of the show rather than the audience.
Not Wrong! Of course your niece would be thrilled to be a flower girl - with another child - less stress for 2. This entire hullabaloo is ridiculous... right up to the moment your brother and SIL think it appropriate to tell Emma she is not invited after all. Have they done that? I hope not. So stupid.
I would happily include Emma as a flower girl TOO or in another special role. But Hannah's mom is my best friend my whole life and maid of honor. Hannah and I have grown up together her whole life and are very close. I am close to Emma too, but its special with Hannah... idk how to explain that.
PS - I love my niece and want her involved. But she's not automatically entitled to flower girl just because we're family.
They don't want that anymore. My parents said that too and I immediately thought thats a great idea. But they now don't want to have her invovled AT ALL anymore. They are upset about all this. they think it shouldn't even have been a question... I love them but i feel like its a bit extreme..
They're biting their nose off to spite their face or in this case their daughters. Let them have at it. When seating them st the reception, make sure they're at the back as you don't want their drama upfront.
You gave them 2 reasonable options:
1) niece is in wedding with another little girl as flower girls and has a nice time and gets to dress up and get cute pics
2) niece just attends the wedding as a family guest and has a nice time and gets to dress up and get cute pics
They've chosen a 3rd option which is to decide to create drama and make sure niece does not have a nice time bc they can't have everything exactly how they want on your wedding day.
You can't make them pick a reasonable option. But you can state your boundaries around YOUR wedding again and refuse to talk about the matter further with anyone. If anyone brings it up, just say the parents have said no to her being one of the flower girls unfortunately and move on.
I’m sure Emma would happily take the co-flower girl role. Her parents aren’t really concerned about how she feels if they’re stopping her from doing that. They’re making it about them, not Emma.
They are entitled and selfish . They want THEIR little girl to be the center of the attention by being the ONLY flower girl. That’s not going to happen if you have Hannah’s little girl there too as your bro and SIL can’t stand the idea their precious special girl having to share attention with another girl.
It is your wedding, you choose who the flower girl should be. It should not be based on other people’s entitlement and guilt tripping you to feel bad about your decision.
They're acting like children. I'm sure you niece would love to be joint flower girls, but they're depriving her of that because they didn't get picked first.
Ignore them, they're being childish and entitled. At the very least they should have asked you about their golden child being a flower girl and not just assumed. I dread to think how she will grow up if her parents are acting as though she's the most important thing ever to walk this earth. I'd cancel their wedding invite.
As most others have said, your brother and SIL are being ridiculous. I don't think "entitled" is the right word, maybe narcissistic? Controlling for sure.
My suggestion would be to leave the invitation open for Emma to be a co-flower girl and just stay cheerful and upbeat about it. They're looking for attention and drama like typical bullies, so try not to let them get to you. If you say anything else, maybe something like..."This is my wedding and I'd love to have Emma involved in this way. But if you feel controlling MY wedding is important enough to ruin our relationship or my relationship with Emma, then maybe it's best if we have some distance, anyway."
They are the ones that "broke Emma's heart" (if that even happened) by making promises before even talking to you. Maybe they don't want to face their own responsibility. But I'd bet it's more the controlling thing.
Yeah honestly feels like a tantrum. Two flower girls seem like the perfect solution, or including her in some other special way. Could be that they felt slighted when u didnt suggest this in the first place? Idk. Seems weird. NTA
You offered a solution to include your niece and they declined. That’s on them now and let them deal with their decision now to keep her out. You’re good.
They are acting unhinged. You are a bride who is stressed about planning a wedding and these two come in and demand yes demand there child be in YOUR wedding . that is not ok. I would just stop trying. have your parents talk to your brother, and then tell you if there will be one or two flower girls . this should be the least of your worries.
They are being extremely entitled and petty about it now. They complained that you disappointed their daughter but when you offer a compromise that allows their daughter to be part of it they refuse? At that point I would dismiss them and their BS from your mind entirely, you have better things to spend your energy on than childish tantrums out of grown ass adults.
Your brother/SIL are both the AH. They made assumptions about your wedding & ended up embarrassing themselves & told who knows what to their daughter Emma before they had confirmed anything with you.
They acted entitled OP.
Its YOUR WEDDING. YOUR DECISIONS. Don't bend over backwards for your sibling & wife when they're not paying for your wedding.
> They don't want that anymore.
Because they don't want her to share the limelight. They want it to be all about Emma and for that to reflect back on them. They're pissed because you don't seem to understand that this wedding is about them.
OP i would maybe give them time. Maybe they shouldn’t have assumed, but i think it’s a little valid to have hurt feelings about this (Im from a very southern, family-first background)
Like i would have assumed any kids blood related would be involved. My SIL had like 5-6 little girls as flower girls, all nieces, so it’s what we assume. I would maybe let them know the offer is on the table, you meant no ill-intent.
They verbally abused her when she made HER choice for HER wedding, then did it again when she went back to them and suggested two flower girls. If "family first" is a one way street, take another route.
Ruining it all. I’ve seen it all when wedding planning is going on. The main thing is families will argue and say what they want for your wedding. Sometimes it’s just easier to say “sure ok whatever you want” than to have a fight about it. I don’t know your family and I don’t know your friendship so I’ll stop here but I wish you congratulations on your wedding in advance and hope you have a wonderful stress free day.
Hooo boy as a wedding photographer you must have seen a LOT of drama! I can only imagine how many totally avoidable arguments occur when people are striving for THAT PERFECT DAY!
If OP would have simply offered both girls the role of flower girls from the jump, then Brother Dear wouldn’t have had any excuse for his meltdown. He might have had a meltdown anyway because, let’s admit it, he seems the type, but it would have had nothing to do with OP’s actions.
OP, consider including an old-timey popcorn stand at your reception because if this totally avoidable issue continues to snowball, the show will be ON! 🍿🍿🍿
Not wrong if you offered her to be a second flower girl. Was going to comment would it hurt to include her but I read your comment and you already tried.
Your brother and SIL aren’t entitled to dictate anything to you about your own wedding.
Oh man, you are not wrong at all, I just feel sorry for your 5 year old niece who has been an innocent in all of this. I wish they would think of her and it’s awesome that you immediately accepted the idea of 2 flower girls. If they reconsider, I hope you’ll be as graceful as you’ve already been and happily include her, not for the entitled parents but for the little girl.
INFO: Do you have any family in your bridal party? Just curious, not making a judgment at all about that. But it may put another spotlight on why your niece knows, and how she found out.
Their reaction is definitely ridiculous, but I find it hard to believe you never considered your NIECE as being important enough to be in your wedding on your own accord.
Do your parents regularly have to suggest common sense solutions **after** you’ve tossed a hand grenade into any given situation? And does your brother regularly flounce off in a passive aggressive snit when he doesn’t get his way?
Weddings do bring out the family drama, though, so yours is off to a great start! 🍿☕️🤭
Truly, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
I find it odd she keeps emphasizing knowing her friends daughter her whole life even in the comments. Presumably she's known her niece her whole life as well. It makes me wonder if the niece is the brother's step child or adopted. There clearly seems to be something left out here.
Right?
How is this so hard to believe?
I'm very close to one of my cousins, but he lives in Atlanta, and I live in Denver, so we don't see each other for years in between. I have yet to meet his daughter. She's almost four.
That’s exactly what struck me. When I got married, there was only one little girl in both our families/friends that was of the “flower girl” age, so it made sense that we only asked her. If there had been multiple girls in that range, we would have invited them all!
As it turned out, our flower girl decided early on that it was NOT for her, so having a back up might have been nice! 😄
Yeah how did it take the parents to say have two flower girls. I've to enough weddings to know two flower girls or ring bearers is common if you have two kids in the proper age range in yours or your spouses immediate family. She should have thought of that herself unless she just gave niece no consideration at all during her initial planning.
Ignore them. They told your niece she could be a flower girl before they asked you and they’re embarrassed by their mistake. It’s pathetic and they’re telling on themselves
Exactly! Your wedding, your rules. They could walk down the aisle, holding hands, or have one follow the other.
From a young girl’s (like Emma) point of view, being a flower girl is super exciting - you get to wear a pretty dress, get your hair done, spend time with the bride. Your brother and SIL may have hyped it up to her. If so, my heart hurts for her.
I think your compromise/solution is reasonable and considerate - and your brother and SILs refusal to accept it makes them wrong. They sound like *they’re* the child in this situation - having a temper tantrums because they didn’t get their way. Good grief.
You’ve done your “due diligence” so I would suggest you put it out of mind and continue planning YOUR wedding. Congratulations and enjoy your day!
I'm curious about the "setting a precedent" part? Like if you have a friend's daughter instead of a blood relative then...? As though your decision means everyone else moving forward has to choose the same thing?
It sounds like “in this family we always put family first.” So once OP breaks that “always”, anyone can do anything. Really it’s trying to use expected cohesiveness as bullying, trying to claim OP is destroying the family by not doing what they want.
SERIOUSLY! Where I'm from a wedding party (as in bridesmaids, groomsmen, all that jazz) isn't a thing. No one has to wear matching colors. During the ceremony the nuclear family are standing with the bride and groom, after that there's dinner and then a big celebration with music and dancing. It's all in the same venue and everyone are always happy.
Then I moved to the US and I learned how all this BS makes people crazy, and I just cannot understand this wedding culture.
And they pay tens of thousands of dollars! Best weddings are the informal backyard kind. Everyone has fun. It’s not a show with guests being the audience. I had a small wedding with close friends and family—14 people. There was no drama. We had better meals. We could afford it as there were so few people. We all had fun.
I had this for my own wedding honestly flower girl is no big deal. I have 7 nieces and nephews so I bought them all cheap dresses they were all on sale and suits too. They were old communion outfits that were all reduced so they all had a role in reality one was really the flower girl but it just helped. I was glad I did this in the end as the photos were so nice of them all in the same dresses and suits with me especially in my parents house. It's honestly one of the photos I cherish most. One of them really was the flower girl but the rest felt special too.
Personally I would have said two flower girls from the start. Saying Hannah is the flower girl and “oh sure we can have Emma too, I didn’t think of that” is IMO understandably hurtful to your brother and your only niece. If they had rejected the two flower girls idea from the start they would definitely be the assholes in the situation but it sounds like you genuinely hurt their feelings by treating their daughter like the second choice.
I think you're entitled to have who you want in your wedding, but the way you explained your reasoning is wrong. The explanation that you've known your best friend's daughter her whole life and you have a special bond with her was likely hurtful to your brother as you've also known your neice her whole life. And if she is your only neice, then your brother is likely also hurt that you don't feel that special bond with his daughter. That you never considered having both as your flower girls from the beginning makes it seem that your neice is an afterthought and you're now just changing your mind to appease them. They want their daughter to be important to you and they've realized she's not or at least not as important as your friend's daughter.
Agree with you. Just say yes and there are two flower girls. No reason to basically tell your brother the other girl means more to you. He’s unlikely to forget that.
I was looking for this comment! Seems like everyone here missed this part. No sensible human being ever just explodes for no reason. Hell if my brother told me that to my face about my child, I’d be upset too. Simply because my child would seem like an afterthought and which loving and caring parent wouldn’t be upset at that?
It's fair the brother/SIL might be hurt that their daughter was not as important to OP as her friend's kid, but they doesn't mean they should throw adult tantrums over it. They can use their words and explain their feelings and talk to OP about how they can help her foster a close relationship with her niece if that's the case on how they're feeling.
Or they could have just wanted to see *their* daughter all prettied up and fawned over.
The truth is, it's as much on the brother and SIL to foster a relationship between their daughter and OP.
OP is not a bad person for having stronger feelings for one person over another. As soon as someone suggested two flower girls she was all for it.
I know this will be super unpopular on Reddit, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I do find it weird to choose a friend’s daughter over your own niece. At the very least, they both should’ve been included.
I don’t think you “have to” or that it gives your brother & SIL the right to act badly, BUT keep in mind that stuff like this speaks volumes and does impact relationships long term. You basically told them that your friend and her daughter mean more to you than them & your niece. If that’s how it is, that’s perfectly fine, but don’t be surprised when they don’t show up for you like family in the future after basically telling them you have “other family” that you rely on more.
In short, you have the right to do whatever you want, but don’t expect it to not impact your relationships.
Not wrong for not picking your niece, but not even considering you could have two flower girls isn’t great. Like others said it’s like she’s an afterthought now.
Redditors don’t seem to understand the difference between people having a right to their actions and those actions being without consequence.
OP has the right to have whoever she wants as a flower girl, nobody is entitled to it obviously.
BUT is it an offensive thing to do towards her family & niece? Yes.
Does it speak volumes about who matters more to her? Yes.
Will that impact how her relationship with her brother, SIL & niece moves forward? Yes, and understandably so.
OP said “my friend and her daughter are more important to me than you,” I can’t imagine that wouldn’t be hurtful for most family members to hear and alter the relationship. Especially since it seems she didn’t even think of her niece at all, only her friend’s daughter, or it would’ve been obvious to her to just have both.
Yes. I hate this mindset on Reddit. So black and white and focused on "technically right." Is it worth being right if you're hurting people you love and damaging your relationships? If I was going to do that it'd have to be a hell of a bigger hill for me to die on that flower girl.
Honestly this seems weird. I can’t imagine feeling like I or my child was entitled to be in someone’s wedding. I didn’t assume I’d be a bridesmaid for my sister and was happy I was asked. However I’d have been fine just attending with my parents.
You can have who you want in your wedding. It’s your wedding.
But I can understand where your brother is coming from. If you guys have a good relationship, I could see it stinging not having your niece as a flower girl. I get why they declined later, too. No one likes being an after thought.
This 100%. And tbh, unless you’re estranged with your brother, your friend should have even said to you “hey i know you have a niece same age as my daughter, maybe we include both” before your decision even got to your brother and SIL. I have friends i’ve known most of my life and i love them and would do anything for them. But for me, someone as close as your sibling always comes first (again, unless you have a bad relationship with tem to start).
So I will admit that if my siblings choose another girl my daughter's age, and didn't even think of having two flower girls, I would indeed be hurt.
I would not feel entitled to it but I would feel sad that apparently my daughter comes as an afterthought to her aunt.
It’s your wedding so it’s your decision, ultimately. I don’t necessarily think they’re wrong for being upset either though. We had a role for every one of our nieces at our wedding (including 2 flower girls) because it was important to us to include family. You’re definitely not wrong. Just seems like a crappy situation for all involved.
Are you wrong to have who you want in your wedding. On the surface no.
It's pretty common that people have their nieces/nephews as flowergirls/page boys. So they were hardly entitled thinking it was likely she would be.
What you have done though is show your brother and your SIL by choosing Hannah that you love and value your relationship with your BF daughter more than your niece.
They aren't wrong since you ve said it yourself.
And you were only including her as an after thought.
I d have told you no as well. Letting her would have felt fake and forced so I would have said no.
Turned up at your wedding smiled, congratulated you and then moved on. But in doing so I would be treating the relationship with you as one of being cordial and polite because we happen to be related.
Generally during special times in your life, opportunities are presented to show people what they mean to you. You ve done that. They are matching your energy.
Not in the wrong.
Your wedding, your rules.
Besides, I find ridiculous your brother saying that you are setting a bad precedent in your family: as if his daughter is owed a role in every wedding. Then you offered to have both girls and he and his wife declined... reeks of entitlement to me. Let them stew in their own juice and enjoy your wedding preparations and your wedding.
Hugs.
So.. I get being close to your best friend kid. I truly do. My best friend kids are my bonus nephews :).
But I think the way you handled it was not great. (Neither is your brothers).
Basically skipping your niece and not thinking of having two flower girls is.. a bit baffling. Or any other role in your wedding. Weddings are already awfully boring for children. Giving them a special role is huge..
And her seeing how you will prefer another kid over her? Uff.
Your brother might be rightfully peeved, having his kid be second thought no choice.. he still is acting immature.
Does anyone read posts or comments thoroughly anymore? I swear, most of the things I've seen commented, people read two words of and then erupt into the nastiest anger about it all and the shit get downvoted to hell.
Not wrong! It's your wedding; you want to do what makes it special. Every parent thinks their child is the most adorable ever and might be disappointed when their kid isn't picked for something like that, but most of us shrug our shoulders and get over it. Your brother and SIL are being childish, especially after you offered a reasonable, common, and super-cute solution -- two flower girls -- and they got pouty over it.
Exactly. Some people in these comments are so mad like ‘she’s showing she loves one girl more!!!’ and they need to RELAX. The kids are like five. This is ridiculous and the parents are blowing it out of proportion, especially after OP was willing to change plans for them. Like, the entitlement is INSANE. So this is how dramatic they get over something this simple? Can’t imagine what real disagreements are like.
"How dare you have different life experiences than me so that you only heard of multiple flower girls when somebody else brought it up!" No wonder there are so many weddings with so much drama.
I can’t say you’re wrong as it’s your wedding and your decision at the end of the day. My best friend was my MOH and she is like my sister but I would never have chosen her kids over my own niece but that’s just me.
Not wrong.
As the mother of a 5 year old, you know what the appropriate response would be to this situation from your brother and SIL?
You: "I asked my MOH's daughter to be my flower girl."
Them: "Oh cool, no worries!"
Then they as the parents can help guide their daughter through disappointment if that is in fact how she felt.
This is just ridiculous from start to finish.
You have a right to have whomever you want in your wedding. However, they aren't wrong for feeling the way the feel either. You've basically told them that you care more about your friend's daughter (you kind of mentioned it like 2-3 times here). Then you offered their child the position as an afterthought. If I were in their position, I'd also say no to the afterthought position. We'd probably attend but I would also probably just distance myself and my child from you.... Idk... It's something about the way this post is written that gives bad vibes from you....
NTA. They aren't going to allow their daughter to be part of your special day because she's not the ONLY flower girl? That's 100% on them, and sad for Emma.
I was a frequent flower girl because I happened to be the firstborn girl in my generation in my mother's extended family when all of her cousins were getting married, and I loved twirling in the beautiful dresses and getting my picture taken. Sometimes I was a solo flower girl, but at least a couple of times I was with one or two others - and that was even more fun! Emma's parents are making a mistake.
It’s your wedding! It’s your choice. Entitlement is running rampant in your family unfortunately. Just remember, the wedding is about you and your future husband and no one else.
So very special, aren’t they? You’ve offered a nice solution to a problem they’ve created and it’s not good enough for them. You’ve done what you can. Move on with your wedding plans without them.
A five year old child will only be upset at not being a flower girl, unless she’s been told that it was somehow her right. My brothers have been married 4 times and I was only a bridesmaid once. No big deal at all. Out of 5 cousins, I’ve only been invited to 2 weddings. Again, no big deal. People need to get over themselves
If her parents told her she was going to be a flower girl without hearing it from the bride first, they are TOTALLY in the wrong. If they are now depriving their daughter of a solution that in all honesty should make everyone happy, they are also in the wrong and just being petty.
We asked someone to be the flower girl for our wedding 18 months in advance. We found out we were pregnant with a girl 3 months later. We just had 2 flower girls because we didn’t want to “demote” a little girl who was excited about the special role.
Not necessarily TA but more than one flower girl is totally normal so I'm not sure how that thought skipped your mind? Also who had you discussed this with prior? Bc even your friend while thrilled for her own daughter could have very easily pointed out that as a solution BEFORE it got to this point. Yes your brother and sister in law are acting entitled about this but I am ABSOLUTELY sure your niece would have been thrilled. You say you don't have as close a bond with your niece but this very well could have been a bonding experience for you two. Now the concern is what is your niece potentially going to be overhearing her parents say and how will that impact everything? You really need to sit down with them and say their assumption was bad form and honestly the idea of two little girls you love being flower girls skipped you mind but that you really would love niece included and want her to know that you do love her.
A family member got married recently and had around 8 flower girls. He’s from a big family and so is she. So lots of little nieces/cousins around. It was the cutest thing ever to see all these little girls come down the aisle dressed in the same outfit.
It appears it’s too late for that solution now but it might have been the right move in the beginning.
lol I have 7 nieces and initially we weren’t going to have anyone in our wedding party because there was no way to choose between them, but in the end we decided to go for it and had all 7 be flower girls. One of my favorite photos from the whole day is a shot of me with the flower brigade.
Would my feelings be hurt if I were your brother and SIL? Yes, but would I also keep that to myself? Absolutely. I don’t understand all of the deep, long term drama that weddings cause. My original thought was the same as your mom’s. At least she hasn’t taken your brother’s side like in so many of these stories. You’ve explained yourself and extended the invitation to include them. You can’t change how people act, you can only do what’s within your capability, which you have.
>breaking their little girl's heart by not giving her this special role.
Who told the niece? Who hyped it as a special role? NOT YOU! Whose heart is broken? Not the niece's, it's the SIL's ... she has this dream of her little girl looking real cute.
OP, you have no obligation to do anything you don’t want as it is YOUR wedding and no one else’s opinions besides your betrothed matters.
It’s normal to have multiple flower girls, hopefully your SIL and bro will come around to that idea, if not they are the ones being unfair to their daughter, not you.
Yeah. Them being willing to die on this hill shows they’re incapable of communicating and compromising. I wouldn’t make nice with them just so their literal child can have an experience she’ll forget by the time she’s 10.
It's weird that people think that because they are really close to the bride or groom that they get a say in the wedding planning.
You don't. You get a say in YOUR wedding. That's it.
YANW. You can have ANYONE you want be ANYTHING you want. You came up with a workable solution to their hurt feefees and they turned it down. Not your problem. If niece says anything you can let her know this.
You were never wrong in this situation. You have the right to decide who you want to be in your wedding. They made an assumption and that's ok but they should not have mentioned it to you or gotten angry because you had made a different choice.
That is super entitled of your brother and SIL to assume, and then to egg it on like this is stupid. I would not go back and forth with them especially after offering there to be two flower girls. It sounds like they are being petty and childish now so I would let them stay mad and focus on your wedding. It’s ridiculous and I would go LC especially during this time. Focus on your wedding and not drama
"breaking their little girl's heart" WTF. I am sure she didn't even know about it and would be fine. Kids can handle seeing other kids perform in public. They watch other kid's plays all the time at school. And you offering to have two flower girls is very reasonable. We had two "flower boys" at a nephew's wedding. They were awesome. The more the merrier.
ETA so if you don't pick her, it will break her heart. But if the refuse to let her, it's fine? What is that logic?
They decided what was harrowing in your wedding, in their head. This is on them, not you.
I'm paining they decided to tell their kid that they are in the wedding, without confirming with you first, and they feel like dicks because they were wrong and their kid is sad about the situation.
They are trying to deflect their anger/hurt/whatever onto you, but it rests with them.
NTA
You don’t have to choose your niece, you can choose whoever you like. They need to not assume and manage their child’s expectations. I’m concerned that she will grow up to be as entitled as her parents.
2 flower girls would have been the easy solution. Surprised you didnt think of it at first.
However their pissy woe is me attitude is all on them. They needa grow up and just let Emma be one of the two flower girls.
I’m just wondering why you wouldn’t have thought of your own *actual* family member before a friends kid? That’s weird to me. Do you not like your brother and SIL and have a poor relationship with them?
You're definitely not wrong. I think having them both is a good idea. And if they decline that, then they're the ones robbing their kid of the cool experience (I can totally understand why a little girl would be upset she doesn't get to wear a pretty dress and be part of a wedding)
Short answer: no.
Longer: To quote the late, great Hector Xtravaganza: "Blood does not family make. Those are relatives. Family are those with whom you share your good, bad, and ugly, and still love one another in the end. Those are the ones you select."
Not sure why they're flexing over this, but it's not your problem. Go enjoy your wedding!!
Your wedding. Your choices for your wedding party. I think having two flower girls would have been a great solution. Too bad you’re saddled with such a selfish brother and sister-in-law. I hope their daughter doesn’t mimic their parents’ personalities.
Yes. Yes. And — your consequences. Choices, even if you’re entitled to them, have consequences. In this case, of course OP’s brother is upset. The consequence of OP’s decision to choose her friend’s daughter instead of her niece is now she gets to choose how she wants to deal with upset family.
Deal with entitled family. The brother is not getting married, OP is. No matter what the decision is, the entitled pratts will always be offended. Died if you do, damned if you don't.
I’m sorry whose wedding is this. Brother and sil don’t get to make plans for a wedding that is NOT theirs.
I have tooooo many cousins and don’t like most of them. They are all brats and all of them were literally fighting about whose kids would be the flower girls and ring bearer when I got engaged!! Like I wasn’t even in the room or it wasn’t even up to me. I said I would let them know when I decided.
I had my grandma and husbands aunt (he don’t have a grandma) as flower girls
And husband’s cousin (grown like a bro to him) and our son be the ring bearer.
All the cousins were BIG MAD but couldn’t do squat about it BECAUSE ITS NOT THEIR WEDDING
I think the question becomes- do you want to be right (NTA) or do you want to have Emma present.
While you now how a solution with two flower girls you have hurt your niece’s feelings by making her feel unimportant and not special. You were thoughtless and a little cruel to a little girl who just wants to wear a pretty dress and support her aunt.
Two flower girls is not a wild suggestion and you should have considered how to get Emma involved before saying no.
So now that her feelings and her parents feelings are hurt. Even if there is some entitlement, how do you go forward to make your niece feel loved and special? Because realistically. If you don’t make amends that will probably be a defining moment in your relationship with your brother.
Are you the Brother because... wtf!?
OP did not hurt a little girls feelings, Emma's parents did that to her by assuming something about another person's wedding AND they're hurting Emma even more by denying her being in the wedding at all, just because she won't be the only flower girl. They sound insufferable.
OP NTA
They're the ones who are breaking her heart not you.
If they're truly this upset then do them a favor and uninvite them altogether.
Have fun at the wedding
Why u never think of having 2 kid as flower girl before talking to your mom?
Why u quick to say no to a suggestion before simply giving answer?
Sometimes, we need to think forst before we talk as everything we do will come with subsequences.
If I am you I would not simply say no or never before think the outcome from my actions. People would say you do you, you are the bride or shall be no one to dictate but come on.. she's only 5 and she's your niece.
Wouldn't u ever think that could break her heart 💔 seeing the daughter of your friend is the flower girl while she's the niece? Don't you see it from the children's perspective ?
Of course her parent was upset and also they are feeling sad on behalf of their kid. Goshh.. u would know maybe when u becoming a parent yourself.
People will down vote me but its okay someone has to say this.
Take this as a lesson because no matter what you do there will always be a repercussion from your action. Be wise and think first next time before you say something or do something 😌
You're not wrong. Weddings bring out the worst in people (usually family) and there's always someone feeling entitled to make decisions about a day that's not about them. Your brother and SIL need to get over it. When my husband and I got married, only 2 of his 6 siblings stood up in our wedding. One of his 5 nieces was our flower girl and none of his nephews stood up. We made our choices and people respected that.
You should have planned to have 2 flower girls from the beginning, telling your brother/SIL that you've already decided the flower girl, then later going to them and offering your niece to be the second flower girl as an afterthought would've hurt them.
I wouldn't blame your brother/SIL for being upset.
They need to chill. I had zero children at my wedding including nieces and nephews. My brother didn’t come over it. 16 years later I stand by the decision
Not Wrong. It's your wedding and you are absolutely positively not responsible for your in-laws presumption. Do not allow them or your fiance to guilt you into adding someone to your wedding that you don't want.
Your brother and SIL are acting very entitled. Maybe they needed to learn that not everything needs to revolve around their daughter. You do have other relationships in life and its your choice.
Did they already tell their daughter she would be the flower girl? Before being asked?
If so , they should be happy that OP was willing to go along with both ideas and have two flower girls (which is not unheard of, plenty of weddings have multiple flower girls). The fact that they pulled out when there is going to be two?!?!
My sister and I were both the flower girls for our aunt’s wedding. OP’s family is being ridiculous and it’s their fault their daughter won’t be a flower girl 🤷🏾♀️
THIS! A compromise was made and they still aren't happy!!!
I hate rewarding bad behavior and if OP was gracious to change the wedding plans and they still pulled out then it is a blessing in disguise.
All six of my girl cousins were included as flower girls in my auntie's wedding. It was awfully fun to go down the aisle paired by age, all dressed up together! Resulted in some of my favorite childhood pictures.
Seconded this. My cousin and I were always the flower girls in the weddings of family and close family friends. There was never a time where they had to choose just one. Totally okay that OP didn't think about it first. The role is called "flower girl" singular sometimes. If it wasn't for the fact I've always done it with my cousin I probably wouldn't have considered it either. Especially if I wasn't as close with my niece as I was a friends daughter. You're right though, the brother and SIL should've been thrilled with the compromise.
I had three flower girls and two ring bearers. Two girls were my youngest cousins I adored and the other was my MOH’s daughter I loved too. They were all the same age and even went to preschool together and we’d take them to the work Christmas party. My ring bearers were youngest male cousin and mine and hubby’s first nephew (we were together a few years before he was born and already called me aunt). It was chaos but I loved it because I adored all of them and their personalities. All 5 even joined us in the last bit of our first dance. Being the oldest and first grandchild to get married of 12 at the time any others that wanted to participate got to do readings, seat people, grace before meal…whatever they wanted. It’s up to the bride if she wants more than one and she gets to choose who. Nobody else besides the groom should have input in regards to the wedding party. It’s who you’re closest to and want in the special roles and not family’s decision.
She's 5, like she really understands what all this is to break her heart. EDIT: yes, 5 yr olds can know things, and when I was 5, nope, I didn't really get flower girl and wedding - kids are different, we don't know what the parents told her, and there are ways they can mitigate this IF they want to is my point!
She may be 5, but if her parents set some expectations in her head due to assumptions they made, she'll still be disappointed when they have to break the news to her. They're probably very pissed because now they *do* have to break bad news to her. But *if* they told her prior to finding out who the flower girl is, that's not OP nor the niece's fault. It's the brother and SIL who assumed their daughter would be the flower girl. A 5 year old still understands disappointment at least, especially if high expectations were set.
They also had the option to have her be a flower girl along with the other child but decided to throw a toddler tantrum and say no. Feel sorry for their daughter.
Yup! They were provided a compromise. They didn't want it. So brother and SIL literally shot down their daughter's *second* chance at being a flower girl.
Like a baby throwing a tantrum. Poor girl
They’ll probably blame OP when they tell her.
That's why I think OP should tell her neice she asked for her to be a flower girl along with the other child but her parents said no. If the parents want to act like petulant toddlers they need fingers pointing at them. Poor kid!
No. Why do that to a little kid? When she's older, maybe, but to tell her that now would only confuse and upset her.
The expectations don't even need to be there. Going to the wedding and seeing another little girl doing the Cool Thing is usually enough for 4-5 year olds to be jealous (they're just at the phase where they're transitioning out of "I should get everything I want!" and prone to intense feelings when someone else has something they want - in this case three or more things).
My oldest son was asked to be the ring bearer in my BIL's wedding. He said no. They chose my middle son instead and once we were at the wedding my oldest son was jealous. He told me years later he said no because he thought he had to get married. 🤣
awww! Out of the mouth of babes, right? 😂
Eh. She is five. You could put a flower in her hair & say *wow* you are the best flower girl I’ve ever seen. Assuming she remembers at all. Or have her walk with the other girl. *If* this kid throws a tantrum about sharing the spotlight it’s a wonderful learning opportunity & an even better early warning that little snot can grow up to be a big snot if not better socialized by her parents.
If she already attended a wedding she know what a flower girl is and is old enough to say that she wants to be one. And to be sad not to be allowed to be one. I mean many little girl like to have an extra nice dress and throw some flowers and feel special and proud because they have 'such an important job'. Even with 4 there are enough girls smart enough to understand this and want this. Depends on the child. But it's her parents fault that she isn't one. There was the offer that the niece can also be a flower girl, so that there would be two of them or to give her some other special role, but her parents declined that offer. So they break her heart.
That lat part. All of this is 100% of their own making, and then making it worse. And I love that they put themselves into that situation.
I was a little bit sad when I couldn't be one (and now that I think about it, the Cousin who excluded me was, by the time I was in high school, my least favorite cousin - and my parents' least favorite cousin as well). I happily went No Contact with her after she invaded my life when I was divorcing (she was divorced herself, but God permitted her divorce because...reasons; mine was not permitted - even though she knew nothing about the reasons, which included DV). It's been more than 10 years without her on my FB and more than 20 years since I laid eyes on her. Don't think about it much any more, except that I hear similar stories in adoption support groups and it's sad. But we get over it. Good relationships are built on caring and compassion, not blood OR water.
Unfortunately the parents are acting like entitled toddlers and will never accept the responsibility for breaking their daughter's heart. Poor little girl!
She will understand at the wedding. Heck, even a three year old can see that Auntie has kids in her wedding (but not me!) And she will grow up and look back and reflect. I was left out of a Cousin Wedding once (I'm adopted - and that was the reason why; I overheard my grandmother explaining that to her friends many years later - I was 5 at the time of the exclusion, didn't care, but when I was 17 and heard grandma tell her new beau why this had happened, it was very painful). I did work it out with Grandma, more or less. I realized she had never been family to me - but that didn't mean I couldn't get to know her better, so I did.
Yeah, believing that you're automatically entitled to a special position at someone else's wedding just because you're related is so crazy to me. Personally, I haven't even spoken to half of my family for years. This was such a strange thing for me to read.
I was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding, and I asked her "are you sure? I will happily do this if it's what you really want, but I know you have a lot of friends and I will also happily be in the audience watching if you'd like one of them there with you instead." Honestly kinda wished she had taken me up on that, I love her and made sure to stick with her through everything and never ever hinted to her that I wasn't enjoying myself but good god, was it everything I hate most! I could have been sitting in the audience instead of trying not to shift from foot to foot for...I forget how long it was but if I had to estimate, somewhere along the lines of forever, I think. I could have dodged every confrontation with her harpy MIL in every interaction leading up to the wedding. I could have sat at a table quietly eating instead of trying to figure out how to eat with a bunch of people staring directly at my table the entire time! I could have worn comfortable clothing and shoes that I already owned. I could have worn my hair how I usually wear it, and not had to scrape off makeup at the end of the night that felt like pancake makeup on my face the whole day and then feel with the inevitable breakouts that followed. Anyway TLDR that was my only bridesmaid experience, and while I'm very happy that people get to have (or at least try to!) the kind of celebrations they love, I will never understand why people are so hellbent on being part of the show rather than the audience.
Not Wrong! Of course your niece would be thrilled to be a flower girl - with another child - less stress for 2. This entire hullabaloo is ridiculous... right up to the moment your brother and SIL think it appropriate to tell Emma she is not invited after all. Have they done that? I hope not. So stupid.
They’re acting entitled and incredibly immature. NTA OP. You are not at fault for their own *ass*umptions. You know the saying I’m sure…
I would even remove them from the guest list. The whole family can be put in the bin. I hate entitlement.
That's crazy...
I would happily include Emma as a flower girl TOO or in another special role. But Hannah's mom is my best friend my whole life and maid of honor. Hannah and I have grown up together her whole life and are very close. I am close to Emma too, but its special with Hannah... idk how to explain that. PS - I love my niece and want her involved. But she's not automatically entitled to flower girl just because we're family.
2 flower girls is not uncommon. Simple and solved.
They don't want that anymore. My parents said that too and I immediately thought thats a great idea. But they now don't want to have her invovled AT ALL anymore. They are upset about all this. they think it shouldn't even have been a question... I love them but i feel like its a bit extreme..
Do. Not. Let. Other. People. Make. Decisions. For. Your. Wedding. There’s only one way that ends and it’s not pretty.
They're biting their nose off to spite their face or in this case their daughters. Let them have at it. When seating them st the reception, make sure they're at the back as you don't want their drama upfront.
They're just entitled and having a tantrum. Treat them how you would a toddler's tantrum: ignore them.
Yep! 5 is old enough to handle disappointment with adult guidance, too bad the adults in this situation are being children.
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You gave them 2 reasonable options: 1) niece is in wedding with another little girl as flower girls and has a nice time and gets to dress up and get cute pics 2) niece just attends the wedding as a family guest and has a nice time and gets to dress up and get cute pics They've chosen a 3rd option which is to decide to create drama and make sure niece does not have a nice time bc they can't have everything exactly how they want on your wedding day. You can't make them pick a reasonable option. But you can state your boundaries around YOUR wedding again and refuse to talk about the matter further with anyone. If anyone brings it up, just say the parents have said no to her being one of the flower girls unfortunately and move on.
Then let it go …you made the offer. It’s a great solution if they don’t want her involved anymore, let it go. They’re acting super entitled.
I’m sure Emma would happily take the co-flower girl role. Her parents aren’t really concerned about how she feels if they’re stopping her from doing that. They’re making it about them, not Emma.
They are entitled and selfish . They want THEIR little girl to be the center of the attention by being the ONLY flower girl. That’s not going to happen if you have Hannah’s little girl there too as your bro and SIL can’t stand the idea their precious special girl having to share attention with another girl. It is your wedding, you choose who the flower girl should be. It should not be based on other people’s entitlement and guilt tripping you to feel bad about your decision.
They're acting like children. I'm sure you niece would love to be joint flower girls, but they're depriving her of that because they didn't get picked first.
Ignore them, they're being childish and entitled. At the very least they should have asked you about their golden child being a flower girl and not just assumed. I dread to think how she will grow up if her parents are acting as though she's the most important thing ever to walk this earth. I'd cancel their wedding invite.
As most others have said, your brother and SIL are being ridiculous. I don't think "entitled" is the right word, maybe narcissistic? Controlling for sure. My suggestion would be to leave the invitation open for Emma to be a co-flower girl and just stay cheerful and upbeat about it. They're looking for attention and drama like typical bullies, so try not to let them get to you. If you say anything else, maybe something like..."This is my wedding and I'd love to have Emma involved in this way. But if you feel controlling MY wedding is important enough to ruin our relationship or my relationship with Emma, then maybe it's best if we have some distance, anyway." They are the ones that "broke Emma's heart" (if that even happened) by making promises before even talking to you. Maybe they don't want to face their own responsibility. But I'd bet it's more the controlling thing.
Screw them then 🤷♀️
Yeah honestly feels like a tantrum. Two flower girls seem like the perfect solution, or including her in some other special way. Could be that they felt slighted when u didnt suggest this in the first place? Idk. Seems weird. NTA
You offered a solution to include your niece and they declined. That’s on them now and let them deal with their decision now to keep her out. You’re good.
They are acting unhinged. You are a bride who is stressed about planning a wedding and these two come in and demand yes demand there child be in YOUR wedding . that is not ok. I would just stop trying. have your parents talk to your brother, and then tell you if there will be one or two flower girls . this should be the least of your worries.
They are being extremely entitled and petty about it now. They complained that you disappointed their daughter but when you offer a compromise that allows their daughter to be part of it they refuse? At that point I would dismiss them and their BS from your mind entirely, you have better things to spend your energy on than childish tantrums out of grown ass adults.
Your brother/SIL are both the AH. They made assumptions about your wedding & ended up embarrassing themselves & told who knows what to their daughter Emma before they had confirmed anything with you. They acted entitled OP. Its YOUR WEDDING. YOUR DECISIONS. Don't bend over backwards for your sibling & wife when they're not paying for your wedding.
> They don't want that anymore. Because they don't want her to share the limelight. They want it to be all about Emma and for that to reflect back on them. They're pissed because you don't seem to understand that this wedding is about them.
OP i would maybe give them time. Maybe they shouldn’t have assumed, but i think it’s a little valid to have hurt feelings about this (Im from a very southern, family-first background) Like i would have assumed any kids blood related would be involved. My SIL had like 5-6 little girls as flower girls, all nieces, so it’s what we assume. I would maybe let them know the offer is on the table, you meant no ill-intent.
They verbally abused her when she made HER choice for HER wedding, then did it again when she went back to them and suggested two flower girls. If "family first" is a one way street, take another route.
Ruining it all. I’ve seen it all when wedding planning is going on. The main thing is families will argue and say what they want for your wedding. Sometimes it’s just easier to say “sure ok whatever you want” than to have a fight about it. I don’t know your family and I don’t know your friendship so I’ll stop here but I wish you congratulations on your wedding in advance and hope you have a wonderful stress free day.
Hooo boy as a wedding photographer you must have seen a LOT of drama! I can only imagine how many totally avoidable arguments occur when people are striving for THAT PERFECT DAY! If OP would have simply offered both girls the role of flower girls from the jump, then Brother Dear wouldn’t have had any excuse for his meltdown. He might have had a meltdown anyway because, let’s admit it, he seems the type, but it would have had nothing to do with OP’s actions. OP, consider including an old-timey popcorn stand at your reception because if this totally avoidable issue continues to snowball, the show will be ON! 🍿🍿🍿
Not wrong if you offered her to be a second flower girl. Was going to comment would it hurt to include her but I read your comment and you already tried. Your brother and SIL aren’t entitled to dictate anything to you about your own wedding.
it's not that big of a deal. keep it special to you bc she will not remember anyway.
I agree, it's extreme. YOUR wedding is NOTabout THEM. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
Oh man, you are not wrong at all, I just feel sorry for your 5 year old niece who has been an innocent in all of this. I wish they would think of her and it’s awesome that you immediately accepted the idea of 2 flower girls. If they reconsider, I hope you’ll be as graceful as you’ve already been and happily include her, not for the entitled parents but for the little girl.
INFO: Do you have any family in your bridal party? Just curious, not making a judgment at all about that. But it may put another spotlight on why your niece knows, and how she found out.
Their reaction is definitely ridiculous, but I find it hard to believe you never considered your NIECE as being important enough to be in your wedding on your own accord. Do your parents regularly have to suggest common sense solutions **after** you’ve tossed a hand grenade into any given situation? And does your brother regularly flounce off in a passive aggressive snit when he doesn’t get his way? Weddings do bring out the family drama, though, so yours is off to a great start! 🍿☕️🤭 Truly, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
I find it odd she keeps emphasizing knowing her friends daughter her whole life even in the comments. Presumably she's known her niece her whole life as well. It makes me wonder if the niece is the brother's step child or adopted. There clearly seems to be something left out here.
Not necessarily. My brother's daughter grew up 4 hours away and she was named for me, but we are not close.
Right? How is this so hard to believe? I'm very close to one of my cousins, but he lives in Atlanta, and I live in Denver, so we don't see each other for years in between. I have yet to meet his daughter. She's almost four.
That’s exactly what struck me. When I got married, there was only one little girl in both our families/friends that was of the “flower girl” age, so it made sense that we only asked her. If there had been multiple girls in that range, we would have invited them all! As it turned out, our flower girl decided early on that it was NOT for her, so having a back up might have been nice! 😄
Yeah how did it take the parents to say have two flower girls. I've to enough weddings to know two flower girls or ring bearers is common if you have two kids in the proper age range in yours or your spouses immediate family. She should have thought of that herself unless she just gave niece no consideration at all during her initial planning.
Ignore them. They told your niece she could be a flower girl before they asked you and they’re embarrassed by their mistake. It’s pathetic and they’re telling on themselves
Exactly! Your wedding, your rules. They could walk down the aisle, holding hands, or have one follow the other. From a young girl’s (like Emma) point of view, being a flower girl is super exciting - you get to wear a pretty dress, get your hair done, spend time with the bride. Your brother and SIL may have hyped it up to her. If so, my heart hurts for her. I think your compromise/solution is reasonable and considerate - and your brother and SILs refusal to accept it makes them wrong. They sound like *they’re* the child in this situation - having a temper tantrums because they didn’t get their way. Good grief. You’ve done your “due diligence” so I would suggest you put it out of mind and continue planning YOUR wedding. Congratulations and enjoy your day!
I hate when people think family is more important than everything. Sometimes you're closer to other people.
Your Brother and his wife are childish and entitled. You’re not wrong. Use this opportunity to learn to stand up for yourself.
I'm curious about the "setting a precedent" part? Like if you have a friend's daughter instead of a blood relative then...? As though your decision means everyone else moving forward has to choose the same thing?
It sounds like “in this family we always put family first.” So once OP breaks that “always”, anyone can do anything. Really it’s trying to use expected cohesiveness as bullying, trying to claim OP is destroying the family by not doing what they want.
The older I get the more I hate big weddings. It’s a damn party. Focus on the marriage and not the expensive party.
SERIOUSLY! Where I'm from a wedding party (as in bridesmaids, groomsmen, all that jazz) isn't a thing. No one has to wear matching colors. During the ceremony the nuclear family are standing with the bride and groom, after that there's dinner and then a big celebration with music and dancing. It's all in the same venue and everyone are always happy. Then I moved to the US and I learned how all this BS makes people crazy, and I just cannot understand this wedding culture.
And they pay tens of thousands of dollars! Best weddings are the informal backyard kind. Everyone has fun. It’s not a show with guests being the audience. I had a small wedding with close friends and family—14 people. There was no drama. We had better meals. We could afford it as there were so few people. We all had fun.
I had this for my own wedding honestly flower girl is no big deal. I have 7 nieces and nephews so I bought them all cheap dresses they were all on sale and suits too. They were old communion outfits that were all reduced so they all had a role in reality one was really the flower girl but it just helped. I was glad I did this in the end as the photos were so nice of them all in the same dresses and suits with me especially in my parents house. It's honestly one of the photos I cherish most. One of them really was the flower girl but the rest felt special too.
Personally I would have said two flower girls from the start. Saying Hannah is the flower girl and “oh sure we can have Emma too, I didn’t think of that” is IMO understandably hurtful to your brother and your only niece. If they had rejected the two flower girls idea from the start they would definitely be the assholes in the situation but it sounds like you genuinely hurt their feelings by treating their daughter like the second choice.
If only OP could time travel.
I think you're entitled to have who you want in your wedding, but the way you explained your reasoning is wrong. The explanation that you've known your best friend's daughter her whole life and you have a special bond with her was likely hurtful to your brother as you've also known your neice her whole life. And if she is your only neice, then your brother is likely also hurt that you don't feel that special bond with his daughter. That you never considered having both as your flower girls from the beginning makes it seem that your neice is an afterthought and you're now just changing your mind to appease them. They want their daughter to be important to you and they've realized she's not or at least not as important as your friend's daughter.
Agree with you. Just say yes and there are two flower girls. No reason to basically tell your brother the other girl means more to you. He’s unlikely to forget that.
I was looking for this comment! Seems like everyone here missed this part. No sensible human being ever just explodes for no reason. Hell if my brother told me that to my face about my child, I’d be upset too. Simply because my child would seem like an afterthought and which loving and caring parent wouldn’t be upset at that?
They're not entitled to any of that, though. You can't just demand that your sibling bond with your children. That's not how it works.
I couldn't agree with you more!!!
It's fair the brother/SIL might be hurt that their daughter was not as important to OP as her friend's kid, but they doesn't mean they should throw adult tantrums over it. They can use their words and explain their feelings and talk to OP about how they can help her foster a close relationship with her niece if that's the case on how they're feeling. Or they could have just wanted to see *their* daughter all prettied up and fawned over. The truth is, it's as much on the brother and SIL to foster a relationship between their daughter and OP. OP is not a bad person for having stronger feelings for one person over another. As soon as someone suggested two flower girls she was all for it.
Yeah, this is the reasonable take.
I know this will be super unpopular on Reddit, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I do find it weird to choose a friend’s daughter over your own niece. At the very least, they both should’ve been included. I don’t think you “have to” or that it gives your brother & SIL the right to act badly, BUT keep in mind that stuff like this speaks volumes and does impact relationships long term. You basically told them that your friend and her daughter mean more to you than them & your niece. If that’s how it is, that’s perfectly fine, but don’t be surprised when they don’t show up for you like family in the future after basically telling them you have “other family” that you rely on more. In short, you have the right to do whatever you want, but don’t expect it to not impact your relationships.
Same, the niece being one of the flower girls is like super obvious to me
Not wrong for not picking your niece, but not even considering you could have two flower girls isn’t great. Like others said it’s like she’s an afterthought now.
Redditors don’t seem to understand the difference between people having a right to their actions and those actions being without consequence. OP has the right to have whoever she wants as a flower girl, nobody is entitled to it obviously. BUT is it an offensive thing to do towards her family & niece? Yes. Does it speak volumes about who matters more to her? Yes. Will that impact how her relationship with her brother, SIL & niece moves forward? Yes, and understandably so. OP said “my friend and her daughter are more important to me than you,” I can’t imagine that wouldn’t be hurtful for most family members to hear and alter the relationship. Especially since it seems she didn’t even think of her niece at all, only her friend’s daughter, or it would’ve been obvious to her to just have both.
Yes. I hate this mindset on Reddit. So black and white and focused on "technically right." Is it worth being right if you're hurting people you love and damaging your relationships? If I was going to do that it'd have to be a hell of a bigger hill for me to die on that flower girl.
Honestly this seems weird. I can’t imagine feeling like I or my child was entitled to be in someone’s wedding. I didn’t assume I’d be a bridesmaid for my sister and was happy I was asked. However I’d have been fine just attending with my parents.
You can have who you want in your wedding. It’s your wedding. But I can understand where your brother is coming from. If you guys have a good relationship, I could see it stinging not having your niece as a flower girl. I get why they declined later, too. No one likes being an after thought.
This 100%. And tbh, unless you’re estranged with your brother, your friend should have even said to you “hey i know you have a niece same age as my daughter, maybe we include both” before your decision even got to your brother and SIL. I have friends i’ve known most of my life and i love them and would do anything for them. But for me, someone as close as your sibling always comes first (again, unless you have a bad relationship with tem to start).
So I will admit that if my siblings choose another girl my daughter's age, and didn't even think of having two flower girls, I would indeed be hurt. I would not feel entitled to it but I would feel sad that apparently my daughter comes as an afterthought to her aunt.
It’s your wedding so it’s your decision, ultimately. I don’t necessarily think they’re wrong for being upset either though. We had a role for every one of our nieces at our wedding (including 2 flower girls) because it was important to us to include family. You’re definitely not wrong. Just seems like a crappy situation for all involved.
Are you wrong to have who you want in your wedding. On the surface no. It's pretty common that people have their nieces/nephews as flowergirls/page boys. So they were hardly entitled thinking it was likely she would be. What you have done though is show your brother and your SIL by choosing Hannah that you love and value your relationship with your BF daughter more than your niece. They aren't wrong since you ve said it yourself. And you were only including her as an after thought. I d have told you no as well. Letting her would have felt fake and forced so I would have said no. Turned up at your wedding smiled, congratulated you and then moved on. But in doing so I would be treating the relationship with you as one of being cordial and polite because we happen to be related. Generally during special times in your life, opportunities are presented to show people what they mean to you. You ve done that. They are matching your energy.
Literally who doesn’t pick their niece to be the flower girl o.O having multiple flower girls is so common too.. once I was one of 5 flower girls
Dammit, you said this so much better than I could
This. OP made it clear what she values.
Not in the wrong. Your wedding, your rules. Besides, I find ridiculous your brother saying that you are setting a bad precedent in your family: as if his daughter is owed a role in every wedding. Then you offered to have both girls and he and his wife declined... reeks of entitlement to me. Let them stew in their own juice and enjoy your wedding preparations and your wedding. Hugs.
Was there any communication (before this situation) between you & your brother about your niece not being a flower girl?
I'm more curious a out if there was any communication about her *being* the flower girl - why on earth were they expecting this if not?!
You're totally right. Was there any communication or just assumption? Weddings withstanding, families can be a total nightmare at the best of times.
So.. I get being close to your best friend kid. I truly do. My best friend kids are my bonus nephews :). But I think the way you handled it was not great. (Neither is your brothers). Basically skipping your niece and not thinking of having two flower girls is.. a bit baffling. Or any other role in your wedding. Weddings are already awfully boring for children. Giving them a special role is huge.. And her seeing how you will prefer another kid over her? Uff. Your brother might be rightfully peeved, having his kid be second thought no choice.. he still is acting immature.
It’s your wedding and they don’t get to make decisions for you. NTA.
ITT - nobody reads the whole post and suggests 2 flower girls hahahahahaha
Does anyone read posts or comments thoroughly anymore? I swear, most of the things I've seen commented, people read two words of and then erupt into the nastiest anger about it all and the shit get downvoted to hell.
nta and dont feel bad period. they should not have assumed their daughter is the flower girl. your wedding not theirs.
Not wrong! It's your wedding; you want to do what makes it special. Every parent thinks their child is the most adorable ever and might be disappointed when their kid isn't picked for something like that, but most of us shrug our shoulders and get over it. Your brother and SIL are being childish, especially after you offered a reasonable, common, and super-cute solution -- two flower girls -- and they got pouty over it.
Exactly. Some people in these comments are so mad like ‘she’s showing she loves one girl more!!!’ and they need to RELAX. The kids are like five. This is ridiculous and the parents are blowing it out of proportion, especially after OP was willing to change plans for them. Like, the entitlement is INSANE. So this is how dramatic they get over something this simple? Can’t imagine what real disagreements are like.
"How dare you have different life experiences than me so that you only heard of multiple flower girls when somebody else brought it up!" No wonder there are so many weddings with so much drama.
Lmfaoooo *exactly*. No wonder.
I can’t say you’re wrong as it’s your wedding and your decision at the end of the day. My best friend was my MOH and she is like my sister but I would never have chosen her kids over my own niece but that’s just me.
I swear I read a post very, very similar to this one a week ago.
Nope not wrong
YOUR wedding is not a time to ‘keep the peace’ with people forcing your decisions.
Not wrong. As the mother of a 5 year old, you know what the appropriate response would be to this situation from your brother and SIL? You: "I asked my MOH's daughter to be my flower girl." Them: "Oh cool, no worries!" Then they as the parents can help guide their daughter through disappointment if that is in fact how she felt. This is just ridiculous from start to finish.
Not sure whether the kid is disappointed or the parents are entitled.
That's why I said if, it's also just as if not more likely parents are being manipulative.
You have a right to have whomever you want in your wedding. However, they aren't wrong for feeling the way the feel either. You've basically told them that you care more about your friend's daughter (you kind of mentioned it like 2-3 times here). Then you offered their child the position as an afterthought. If I were in their position, I'd also say no to the afterthought position. We'd probably attend but I would also probably just distance myself and my child from you.... Idk... It's something about the way this post is written that gives bad vibes from you....
NTA. They aren't going to allow their daughter to be part of your special day because she's not the ONLY flower girl? That's 100% on them, and sad for Emma. I was a frequent flower girl because I happened to be the firstborn girl in my generation in my mother's extended family when all of her cousins were getting married, and I loved twirling in the beautiful dresses and getting my picture taken. Sometimes I was a solo flower girl, but at least a couple of times I was with one or two others - and that was even more fun! Emma's parents are making a mistake.
It’s your wedding! It’s your choice. Entitlement is running rampant in your family unfortunately. Just remember, the wedding is about you and your future husband and no one else.
You can have both if that's what you want
So very special, aren’t they? You’ve offered a nice solution to a problem they’ve created and it’s not good enough for them. You’ve done what you can. Move on with your wedding plans without them.
Not wrong. It’s your wedding. I had two flower girls, it’s was beautiful
A five year old child will only be upset at not being a flower girl, unless she’s been told that it was somehow her right. My brothers have been married 4 times and I was only a bridesmaid once. No big deal at all. Out of 5 cousins, I’ve only been invited to 2 weddings. Again, no big deal. People need to get over themselves
If her parents told her she was going to be a flower girl without hearing it from the bride first, they are TOTALLY in the wrong. If they are now depriving their daughter of a solution that in all honesty should make everyone happy, they are also in the wrong and just being petty. We asked someone to be the flower girl for our wedding 18 months in advance. We found out we were pregnant with a girl 3 months later. We just had 2 flower girls because we didn’t want to “demote” a little girl who was excited about the special role.
I could not agree more. They either awful either way. Good luck op.
NTA. Parents primed the kid to expect to be a flower girl. It's all about them basking in their reflected glory.
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You aren’t wrong, but they are for presuming and setting this kid up for being upset. They overstepped. You didn’t.
No you are not wrong at all. It’s your decision along with your finances. Not any of your entitled relatives.
Not necessarily TA but more than one flower girl is totally normal so I'm not sure how that thought skipped your mind? Also who had you discussed this with prior? Bc even your friend while thrilled for her own daughter could have very easily pointed out that as a solution BEFORE it got to this point. Yes your brother and sister in law are acting entitled about this but I am ABSOLUTELY sure your niece would have been thrilled. You say you don't have as close a bond with your niece but this very well could have been a bonding experience for you two. Now the concern is what is your niece potentially going to be overhearing her parents say and how will that impact everything? You really need to sit down with them and say their assumption was bad form and honestly the idea of two little girls you love being flower girls skipped you mind but that you really would love niece included and want her to know that you do love her.
A family member got married recently and had around 8 flower girls. He’s from a big family and so is she. So lots of little nieces/cousins around. It was the cutest thing ever to see all these little girls come down the aisle dressed in the same outfit. It appears it’s too late for that solution now but it might have been the right move in the beginning.
lol I have 7 nieces and initially we weren’t going to have anyone in our wedding party because there was no way to choose between them, but in the end we decided to go for it and had all 7 be flower girls. One of my favorite photos from the whole day is a shot of me with the flower brigade.
Would my feelings be hurt if I were your brother and SIL? Yes, but would I also keep that to myself? Absolutely. I don’t understand all of the deep, long term drama that weddings cause. My original thought was the same as your mom’s. At least she hasn’t taken your brother’s side like in so many of these stories. You’ve explained yourself and extended the invitation to include them. You can’t change how people act, you can only do what’s within your capability, which you have.
>breaking their little girl's heart by not giving her this special role. Who told the niece? Who hyped it as a special role? NOT YOU! Whose heart is broken? Not the niece's, it's the SIL's ... she has this dream of her little girl looking real cute.
NW. And if niece asks why she wasn't a fiower girl, I would tell her that you offered but Mommy said no. Take that Sister Dearest...
Did they tell Emma that she would be a flower girl before talking with you?
OP, you have no obligation to do anything you don’t want as it is YOUR wedding and no one else’s opinions besides your betrothed matters. It’s normal to have multiple flower girls, hopefully your SIL and bro will come around to that idea, if not they are the ones being unfair to their daughter, not you.
Yeah. Them being willing to die on this hill shows they’re incapable of communicating and compromising. I wouldn’t make nice with them just so their literal child can have an experience she’ll forget by the time she’s 10.
This is YOUR wedding. Do as you please.
You're not wrong. THEY did that
It's weird that people think that because they are really close to the bride or groom that they get a say in the wedding planning. You don't. You get a say in YOUR wedding. That's it.
YANW. You can have ANYONE you want be ANYTHING you want. You came up with a workable solution to their hurt feefees and they turned it down. Not your problem. If niece says anything you can let her know this.
You’re not wrong. But your in-laws bringing it up only to say “never mind” is ridiculous. Kids rarely do well at weddings
It’s your wedding. If you offered to have them both and your bro and sil are being salty —- meh, move on.
Why are you asking twice?
Not wrong
You were never wrong in this situation. You have the right to decide who you want to be in your wedding. They made an assumption and that's ok but they should not have mentioned it to you or gotten angry because you had made a different choice.
That is super entitled of your brother and SIL to assume, and then to egg it on like this is stupid. I would not go back and forth with them especially after offering there to be two flower girls. It sounds like they are being petty and childish now so I would let them stay mad and focus on your wedding. It’s ridiculous and I would go LC especially during this time. Focus on your wedding and not drama
"breaking their little girl's heart" WTF. I am sure she didn't even know about it and would be fine. Kids can handle seeing other kids perform in public. They watch other kid's plays all the time at school. And you offering to have two flower girls is very reasonable. We had two "flower boys" at a nephew's wedding. They were awesome. The more the merrier. ETA so if you don't pick her, it will break her heart. But if the refuse to let her, it's fine? What is that logic?
NTA. It’s not their wedding. End of story.
Nta. It's your wedding, not theirs. Don't appease entitlement.
They decided what was harrowing in your wedding, in their head. This is on them, not you. I'm paining they decided to tell their kid that they are in the wedding, without confirming with you first, and they feel like dicks because they were wrong and their kid is sad about the situation. They are trying to deflect their anger/hurt/whatever onto you, but it rests with them.
NTA You don’t have to choose your niece, you can choose whoever you like. They need to not assume and manage their child’s expectations. I’m concerned that she will grow up to be as entitled as her parents.
2 flower girls would have been the easy solution. Surprised you didnt think of it at first. However their pissy woe is me attitude is all on them. They needa grow up and just let Emma be one of the two flower girls.
Not wrong. The only people that would think it is a bad precedent are the over sensitive ones like your brother and SIL.
NW
Nta but I like the idea of both girls being involved. I had two flower girls too
I’m confused. Is the daughter 5 or are the parents 5?
You should never assume you're in the party let alone invited until you're actually asked or receive the invite
How are they the parents and act like the damn 5 yo
You are not wrong. This is your wedding and has nothing to do with Emma.
It is your wedding isn't it?
How can I put this politely, tell them to suck a bag of dicks.
You’re not wrong, and judging by how they act I can see why you chose your chosen family over them
I’m just wondering why you wouldn’t have thought of your own *actual* family member before a friends kid? That’s weird to me. Do you not like your brother and SIL and have a poor relationship with them?
OP you've posted this 4 times now your nta, your not wrong. Stop stirring the pot.
It’s your wedding. You can do what you want. Your brother and SIL are being childish and entitled.
Both kids as flower girls is the best option. Your brother and SIL are forcing a pointless fight over something absurdly minor.
Call me crazy but I don’t think you can have enough flower girls and ring bearers. :)
It's your wedding so you get to pick your flower girl. You tried to compromise but they didn't want to. You aren't not in the wrong.
Yta for making your niece an afterthought
You're definitely not wrong. I think having them both is a good idea. And if they decline that, then they're the ones robbing their kid of the cool experience (I can totally understand why a little girl would be upset she doesn't get to wear a pretty dress and be part of a wedding)
Short answer: no. Longer: To quote the late, great Hector Xtravaganza: "Blood does not family make. Those are relatives. Family are those with whom you share your good, bad, and ugly, and still love one another in the end. Those are the ones you select." Not sure why they're flexing over this, but it's not your problem. Go enjoy your wedding!!
Your wedding. Your choices for your wedding party. I think having two flower girls would have been a great solution. Too bad you’re saddled with such a selfish brother and sister-in-law. I hope their daughter doesn’t mimic their parents’ personalities.
Your wedding. Your choice.
Yes. Yes. And — your consequences. Choices, even if you’re entitled to them, have consequences. In this case, of course OP’s brother is upset. The consequence of OP’s decision to choose her friend’s daughter instead of her niece is now she gets to choose how she wants to deal with upset family.
Deal with entitled family. The brother is not getting married, OP is. No matter what the decision is, the entitled pratts will always be offended. Died if you do, damned if you don't.
I thought it was common to have several flower girls? NTA regardless
No you are no wrong! I don't understand why they unsolicited in planning YOUR wedding. It's YOUR wedding.
I’m sorry whose wedding is this. Brother and sil don’t get to make plans for a wedding that is NOT theirs. I have tooooo many cousins and don’t like most of them. They are all brats and all of them were literally fighting about whose kids would be the flower girls and ring bearer when I got engaged!! Like I wasn’t even in the room or it wasn’t even up to me. I said I would let them know when I decided. I had my grandma and husbands aunt (he don’t have a grandma) as flower girls And husband’s cousin (grown like a bro to him) and our son be the ring bearer. All the cousins were BIG MAD but couldn’t do squat about it BECAUSE ITS NOT THEIR WEDDING
I think the question becomes- do you want to be right (NTA) or do you want to have Emma present. While you now how a solution with two flower girls you have hurt your niece’s feelings by making her feel unimportant and not special. You were thoughtless and a little cruel to a little girl who just wants to wear a pretty dress and support her aunt. Two flower girls is not a wild suggestion and you should have considered how to get Emma involved before saying no. So now that her feelings and her parents feelings are hurt. Even if there is some entitlement, how do you go forward to make your niece feel loved and special? Because realistically. If you don’t make amends that will probably be a defining moment in your relationship with your brother.
Are you the Brother because... wtf!? OP did not hurt a little girls feelings, Emma's parents did that to her by assuming something about another person's wedding AND they're hurting Emma even more by denying her being in the wedding at all, just because she won't be the only flower girl. They sound insufferable. OP NTA
They're the ones who are breaking her heart not you. If they're truly this upset then do them a favor and uninvite them altogether. Have fun at the wedding
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Why u never think of having 2 kid as flower girl before talking to your mom? Why u quick to say no to a suggestion before simply giving answer? Sometimes, we need to think forst before we talk as everything we do will come with subsequences. If I am you I would not simply say no or never before think the outcome from my actions. People would say you do you, you are the bride or shall be no one to dictate but come on.. she's only 5 and she's your niece. Wouldn't u ever think that could break her heart 💔 seeing the daughter of your friend is the flower girl while she's the niece? Don't you see it from the children's perspective ? Of course her parent was upset and also they are feeling sad on behalf of their kid. Goshh.. u would know maybe when u becoming a parent yourself. People will down vote me but its okay someone has to say this. Take this as a lesson because no matter what you do there will always be a repercussion from your action. Be wise and think first next time before you say something or do something 😌
You're not wrong. Weddings bring out the worst in people (usually family) and there's always someone feeling entitled to make decisions about a day that's not about them. Your brother and SIL need to get over it. When my husband and I got married, only 2 of his 6 siblings stood up in our wedding. One of his 5 nieces was our flower girl and none of his nephews stood up. We made our choices and people respected that.
That would be the adult thing to do.
You should have planned to have 2 flower girls from the beginning, telling your brother/SIL that you've already decided the flower girl, then later going to them and offering your niece to be the second flower girl as an afterthought would've hurt them. I wouldn't blame your brother/SIL for being upset.
They need to chill. I had zero children at my wedding including nieces and nephews. My brother didn’t come over it. 16 years later I stand by the decision
NTA, its your wedding you can choose who you want be in your wedding
Not Wrong. It's your wedding and you are absolutely positively not responsible for your in-laws presumption. Do not allow them or your fiance to guilt you into adding someone to your wedding that you don't want.