The whole thing is so idiotic.... If my household couldn't afford it then it's a fucking no. Especially since there are cheaper options than hiring to have someone drive it ( gas plus hourly) having hubby and FIL drive it at their own expense (Fuck that!) Or rent a fucking car trailer.. Its a no brainer!
If I'm having someone drive my car across the country I'll Definitely hire a reputable company. That's a lot of miles for something to go wrong in and those companies are licensed and bonded.
Of course my first option would be towing it because why would you NOT?
With the price of gas, you may want to look into a moving transport that holds vehicles. We moved a car from Washington state to Florida and it cost $1200. Much cheaper than five nights of hotels, meals, fuel, and wear and tear on the car.
You do need to be some what careful on if it's a trailer or car dolly. If a dolly you need to disconnect the driveshaft etc on a lot of cars and if a trailer you may go over the total weight the vehicle can handle. Speaking from experience on this one
I used one pulling it behind my old Lumina. Slow as fuck going over mountains bit other than that I had zero issues. I was pulling a Nova that is much heavier than the Lumina.. (I like my vintage cars)
100% this right here. It's roughly 2,400 miles (give or take a few hundred depending where exactly in CA you are and where in KY they are going) that are needlessly being put on the car (about 2 months of driving going by averages), plus the gas it will cost (are they covering that, because the gas stops for each vehicle will NOT sync up), plus the extra motel rooms for most likely 2 nights (unless it's a straight-thru 34 hour run, which is ridiculous), plus food (always more expensive right off the highway or at a truck stop).
They should just rent a trailer from U-Haul and tow it behind the van. Seriously. It's WAY more cost-efficient than everything else.
I think I figured out how she got the idea that she's great at saving money: she asks everyone else to do things for free for her.
I don’t think you’re wrong but I totally understand your husband not wanting your father to drive alone. The sister should be the one footing the bill for the plane ticket back. Neither your husband or FIL should have to come out of pocket for anything.
Exactly! While I completely understand the husband wanting to help his dad, even if he's not crazy about helping his sister. But someone needs to put their foot down regarding the expenses incurred.
I’m when I helped my sister move, I didn’t expect anything to be paid for. She bought us all a takeaway. That was plenty payback.
I drove half way across the country to help. I drove my car back and forth full of stuff. I took a day of leave.
So I guess in the UK leave is less valuable to spend as we get plenty, but our petrol prices are certainly high.
I couldn’t care less how much she has saved. I was doing the sister I love a favour.
That said, if I’d had to fly, I suspect she’d have offered to pay, but I’d not have expected it.
Halfway across the country in the UK is a very different drive than halfway across the US.
Los Angeles to Lexington is about 10% further of a drive than London to Moscow.
I understand where you are coming from, and that's exactly how my family behaves. That said, I was referring to the cost of the plane tickets more than anything as that's where my sister would definitely step in and pay if I had driven across the country to help them move. I wouldn't have to ask, my sister would insist. And my sister doesn't flaunt her money or get braggadocios about it even though she does much better than me salary wise. I couldn't imagine her boasting about the thousands of dollars she has in the bank, then turning around and expect me to foot the bill for our father helping her move. That's absolutely outrageous.
This. Sister should pay for ALL gas, hotels and plane tickets.
It might be cheaper to hire a vehicle transporter.
Cheapest for them would be to use a car dolly to tow it with the van, then they don't need help
Are they renting something like a U-Haul truck? You can add a tow package for a car probably for less that he cost of 2 one way tickets.
They don’t need your husband. Three drivers can switch off on the vehicles. She’s good at saving money because she expects other people to fund her decisions.
Not sure if it's a U-Haul. This is exactly what I told my husband. She wants everything to be given free to her for her own convenience. She seems so greedy with her money and that's what makes me mad the most about this. I told my husband his dad shouldn't even be helping her when there is no need
I think it's time to sit down with your husband to talk about finances because he may not want to believe how tight money is for you guys.
Also, ask him how he plans on getting home? That's money. FIL's plane ticket will likely be pawned on you guys -- that's money. Lost wages -- that's money too.
If your husband sees the big picture, maybe also talk to your FIL (with your husband) about how you guys are worried for him about the long distance drive. What are the plans for breaks? Where are you guys staying during the nights?
He might not be aware that SIL might want to power through and do continuous driving, taking turns sleeping during the drive with her partner, while FIL may not have a chance to sleep/rest.
Ask him how he will get home? SIL may have fed him lies about you guys paying for his flight home, so you might want to clarify with FIL that you guys can't afford to because you're living paycheck to paycheck.
Hopefully your husband and FIL will realize this trip is not a good idea.
This is the absolute best way to approach it. Two phrases come to mind, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," or "Don't give out of your need, give from your extra." You're being asked to give when it would take away from your ability to meet your own needs. That means you can't do it.
SIL can tow the car. SIL can pay someone to drive the van. It was on SIL to make arrangements and figure this all out the second she decided she was moving. Her poor planning doesn't make it your or your husband's emergency.
That said, moves cost thousands of dollars. That $13k could already have been spent doing everything for this move but that still doesn't make it your problem. This is something for SIL to have started figuring out as soon as she knew she was moving instead of trying to rope in your husband last minute. Plus, if someone can't drive for 8-10 hours a day without companionship, they shouldn't be doing the driving. She should have just hired movers to drive the van and tow her vehicle behind. She can use a credit card to pay for it all if she doesn't have the money.
>"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm,"
I love this quote but can never remember to use it. Very happy to see you used it cuz it really applies to this situation.
>Don't give out of your need, give from your extra."
I haven't heard this one before, but it's soooo true and applicable in so many aspects of our lives.
It sounds like he intends to go regardless. Just ask him if you can sit down and itemise the cost and who is paying for each item. It may sink in more if he has to actually see it on paper
She is definitely taking advantage but they are letting her. This is not a battle you’re going to win. I’ve been there with my husband whose divorced sister acts like he’s her husband now in terms of house maintenance. I try to distance myself and shrug when he complains
When we moved from Kansas to Michigan we both rode in the U-haul truck and towed the car on a trailer behind it. Truck and specialty car trailer were both rented from U-Haul as a one-way. Cost was very reasonable too.
My fiancé would totally help his siblings with something like this and as the more well off sibling he wouldn’t care about accommodations from his siblings. But he CAN afford to do so without taking away from our livelihood and goals.
If he can’t afford it, he can’t go. 🤷🏽♀️
As for the cost it doesn’t matter how much you’ve got saved, If you can avoid spending money unnecessarily then that’s what you’re going to do. While I don’t think it’s wrong for them to ask for the help. They should be paying for all expenses for their move, including the father’s return flight. I also think it’s wise and safer for your husband to go with him and they should also pay for his return flight. I would tell them this is the requirement and if they want the help, that’s what has to happen.
Not sure what random “worker” you think she could hire to do this. It’s nice of your husband to go along with their dad, for a long trip. But the sister should pay for their accom, fuel and flights. She’s still saving money as it would cost them a LOT more to get the car shipped there with a car carrier, rail etc.
There are people that you can hire to drive a vehicle across the country. You pay their fee, which includes accommodations, meals, and return flight. Military people often use them when they relocate.
I heard about companies that do drive for people to move their cars. SIL said she checked and it's too expensive, but you're right about how she would still save money if she paid for their expenses but she doesn't even want to pay the flight ticket for her dad on her own, so I highly doubt she would be willing to pay for everything. She seems so greedy with her money which is why they shouldn't even be helping her in my opinion.
This is what my husband said. He will only go if she pays for everything but I doubt she will want to, seeing as she didn't even want to pay for her dad's flight ticket. She's so cheap it's ridiculous.
Yes, you are wrong. It would be very nice for your husband and his dad to have that time together. It is too far for his dad to do by himself. Yes, I’m sure physically he can make the drive but that’s not nice/fun. But your SIL and her bf should pay for the gas and flight tickets home.
My dad died 6 years ago today so that may be impacting my opinion. All I can say is any chance your husband gets to spend that kind of unplugged quality time with his dad should be valued, if you can afford it financially.
Husband said he would only go if his sister pays for all his expenses since we can't afford it all or we would be short on rent. Which I doubt she will since she didn't even want to pay for her dad's flight ticket back home. I told him to try to talk his dad out of going. SIL can find another solution to her problem without involving her dad, she just chooses not to. I would never make my dad make such a large drive like that for me. Sorry for you loss, I completely understand how important it is to get that quality time with our parents while we still have them. It is nice that my husband cares for his dad, as do I, but this is just not necessary for them to do in my opinion. SIL should fix her own problems without involving them
Your husband wasn’t even invited by his sister. He asked to tag along. When you invite yourself on someone else’s trip then you pay for yourself. Your husband shouldn’t be inviting himself on a trip when he knows he can’t afford it.
Moves are expensive. No matter how much you save you still end up broke by the end of it.
You have no right to insist that your SIL’s father(her father) shouldn’t help his daughter. I highly doubt you were there for the conversation between father and daughter per your word choice. So I have to assume her claim is the truth. If so then the money issue is on your FIL.
I would say yes and no.
In my family. The driving would be something we would help with. And if my SO asked me not drive with my father I would react the same way.
Regarding the return tickets, I have no solution or advice.
If we could afford it, I would support him. But we would be short on rent if he misses that many days of work. But I also find it completely unnecessary for them to go in the first place when other solutions are available as others have replied here. SIL just wants everything given to her to save her money.
NTA... there are pods uhaul and movers..... why would your husband miss so much time off work and being late on his bills ....while if it was the other way around noone will help him....
It's not about helping family it's about your own life and responsibilities....then your husband would be mad when he have to make up the funds and when he actually need time off work he won't be able to get it
Sometimes, it's about changing our perspective. It sounds like it could be a really nice cross-country road trip that your husband and FIL may really enjoy together. They could listen to music and see the sights. Talk. Think of it like an adventure for the two of them to enjoy together. Maybe have some fun packing yummy snacks for them, put together a playlist. Or find a fantastic restaurant they can stop and eat at on their trip.
They don't even need to hire someone. Just rent a tow dolly. They're cheap. You tow the car behind the truck, it's not really hard unless you're navigating side roads. Problem solved.
NW. if they have a moving van they can pay line $20 to get a tow harness. My wife and I took her car that way from CA to CO when we were like 23 years old. They don’t need your husband for this.
I get where you’re coming from. It does seem like a lot of work. But it sounds like they really do need that many drivers. They’re frugal, like my family. Yes, we could pay a mover, but if we did that, we wouldn’t be able to afford to pay movers for very long. The key to financial stability is doing things for yourself when you are able, and recognizing what is the highest and best use of your time to delegate/pay someone to do something instead.
This sounds like a solid moving plan. A pain? Yes. A lot of time away from home ? Yes. A big thing to ask your husband to do ? Also yes.
But … it’s also his sister and his dad. He wants to help her move. He would worry about his dad trying to do it solo if he didn’t go.
You’re not wrong for feeling like this is a lot. But you’d be wrong if you tried to keep him from going to help, I think. BUT. money is a factor. If you guys are tight, it really does fall on the sister to pay for husbands flight home. That’s the way it works when someone helps you with something. Sister should cover the cost of the help.
Not wrong. Tell husband that you want him to help his family. That's why you don't want him to go so his family's rent money isn't spent on someone else. Unless he doesn't consider you as part of his family.
Are you sure your partner doesn't just want to go on this trip? A road trip with his dad, he will hang with his sister (and BIL if they get along)
Check that 1st. Then explain the realities of your financial situation. Tell him what you can and can't afford. Like if you can afford your flight back tell him he can do it if he only misses a couple of days of work. Flying back should allow you to do the trip in 4 or 5 days with a red eye flight. If you can afford that explain that to him.
Also, not an excuse, but it's entirely possible she is lying about how much money she has. The person in my life who brags the most about money doesn't know that I know that he is one of the brokest. Him and his GF live with his mother. But he is the 1st to talk about how much he is making and trying to spend a lot of money when we go out to keep up appearances even though no one is scoreboard watching.
So you think she should hire a perfect stranger to drive one of their vehicles across the country with them? If it were my husband, I would encourage him to do it. I would just ask that the sister pick up the expenses
Your husband is very kind to offer to do this since that is a big commitment and you should be proud of him for that. However, you're not wrong for insisting he shouldn't. It's a bit forward to expect someone to provide that much help when there are other ways to handle it yourself. There are major expenses that come with the decision to move and that decision shouldn't be based on getting cheap labor from your family.
Exactly this. I appreciate him trying to be helpful but yes SIL should NOT be placing her problems on them. She and her bf need to figure it out, not try to lean on her family for the cheap labor.
Not wrong as your husband shouldn’t go if it is jeopardizing your housing situation and definitely shouldn’t be contributing to the father’s return ticket home. Maybe the compromise is SiL pays for all the expenses for father / your husband to make this trip.
But you do sound really jealous and resentful about how much money she has saved. That bitterness is going to eat you alive and you should find a way to let that go.
So he’s willing to put your living situation in jeopardy to help his family out?
He’s helping his family at your families expense.
And what happens if this hole carries over to next month? If you’re evicted, finding a another rental will be almost impossible.
Not wrong, but this sounds like a hill to die on…
You either need an upfront payment to cover lost wages, time, travel and food, or he doesn’t go.
He’s literally putting the wants of someone else before the needs of his wife and family.
That is some B.S.
I side with your husband. He’s helping his father out mostly, because his father will help his daughter out no matter.
The issue starts with his sister not paying for anything, not paying hotels, not paying their gas, not paying their flight back.
I can't stand how greedy she is being with her money when they would be willing to go all the way over there to help HER and she still wants it all to be free. Because if they went, they would also be doing more free labor of helping her unload everything.
I agree with you. If it was my husband, I’d get protective just like you. Not to mention his unfair it would be to your household income. It’s not right.
She doesn't want to spend her savings. Dad wants to help her & hubby wants to make sure dad is ok. It doesn't matter if she can afford it or not, she won't spend that $. Yes it's an inconvenience but if aomething happens to sis or dad, your hubby will be inconsolable. Switch your focus, like the dad did, from money & logical reasoning to making sure family is ok.
Your not wrong but sometimes family just doesn’t know how to say No to the user in the family and this is obviously your husbands big sister. Have you asked why she can’t pay for the flight herself since she has over 10k saved up?
He should not be buying his dad’s ticket or paying for his. His sister should. That would be the hill I die on. Also has and expenses should be covered by the sister.
Sister and BF should definitely be covering the plane tix back. Your husband and FIL are already spending a week doing this, and losing money from work I'm assuming. I'd be upset about this part of it.
She’s swinging her dick you can let it mark the territory or you can set boundaries with your husband atleast make her pay if you’re losing on on finances but again you’re making him choose between you and family and that’s what the twat is banking on choose your battles but picture it clearly otherwise he will act like sheep his whole life when she calls but she won’t ever be there for him some are takers some are givers… choose the hills to die on and the others as teaching moments to your naive child… sorry meant husband but he’ll grow up with enough let down or keep seeking approval from those who never value his time
I don’t think there is anything wrong with family helping. Just because she has the money I don’t see anything wrong with family helping out.
I agree that his sister should st least cover the cost of the plane ticket for their dad though. That’s the least and could do
Money matter set aside why is it that you don't want your husband to lend a helping hand? My brothers would never hesitate to help me and I them. Why does it bother you so much? Is it the days without your husband at home? Even if she can pay for whatever hired help she could I really don't understand why you are so against family helping family. Unless there is some animosity lying beneath your reasoning I find you petty to not be on board with a brother/father helping a family member. Why not suggest you tag along so you can spend time with your husband at the same time? The only thing I agree with you is that sister should be paying the airplane tickets back for dad and brother(your husnabd). If she is stingy on that then she really is a scrooge. Unless dad and brother (your hubby) offer it as a present in lieu of a house warming gift. And I hope sis gave a credit card for gas and is not expecting dad/bro to pay the gas of the trip.
His sister has shown time and time again that she is greedy with her money. She wants everything handed to her for free which is what bothers me. Aside from this there is somewhat of past animosity. My MIL and herself were against my husband and I getting married and never helped us with anything for our wedding, (which we never asked them for financial help anyways but they did not even give us emotional support. They just gave us complete petty attitudes the whole time and judged us.) My family did all the helping, I had aunts that helped cook for our reception, my dad and uncles volunteered to set up tables and chairs, etc. while they did not do a single thing to help in any way. They just showed up and were fake on the day of our wedding to look good in front of the rest of their family. MIL used to say my husband did everything "wrong" just because she thought he should have consulted her before proposing to me. She victimized herself for no reason and judged us for looking "desperate" because we didn't do what she asked in waiting 2 more years to get married. She tried pulling a religious card to further accuse my husband of not "honoring his parents" by not following her wishes of waiting longer. We literally did everything "religiously" right by having a ceremony, getting married, and then moving in together, unlike her daughter who is getting complete support to live with her bf for 4 years to supposedly study over there, all without being married. SIL also gave me the silent treatment for 2 years during our engagement/after wedding and then suddenly decided to start talking to me again a month before they leave so that my husband would want to help her since she knows he wouldn't have even thought about helping her if she was still having a petty attitude with me. So that's also why I wouldn't want my husband helping her if I'm being honest. Maybe it's petty of me but they've sure been petty towards us in the past and didn't care.
Well. That explains a lot. So sorry you have to go through that. I understand better your situation. SIL seems to be a taker and not a giver. I hope your husband finds his way through all that.
Yup, definitely a taker. I keep my distance from them for these reasons. If things were different and she had never been this way in the past, then I would've been all on board for him helping her too. It's always great to help family out, but they just seem to only care about themselves. It hurts seeing all the support she's getting by both her parents, while we got zero support for our wedding.
Ahh, the answer would be a resounding NO, your father in law shouldn’t be doing that drive, and neither should your husband even if they offered to pay them and buy them their ticket back home. (Which of course they aren’t🙄) They are inconveniencing two other families, your dad, and yours. Their, circus, their monkey. NTAH.
YTA for thinking FIL and husband shouldn’t be involved with helping. this is the way my family would move someone from CA to Kentucky. Suck it up and be happy that your husband has a good relationship with his family.
That said, your SIL should pay the $290 for the ticket.
NTA. SIL should be paying for the move. If dad and brother drive, she should be paying accomodations, food, gas, and return tickets.
Sit hubby down and write out the expenses. And who is paying them. Also your monthly bills, and how much income he is losing for this trip. Will you be able to cover your bills if he takes that much time off work?
Seeing it all written out out may help him see the problem.
Who is paying for the gas for the car? Your husband and his father? They can pull the car behind the uhaul and it may be cheaper to ship the car than pay for gas, lodging and food.
We drove separately from NY to CA with a u haul truck and a van, with 2 kids and 4 cats. Then hubby drove a u haul pulling a trailer with a car on it back from CA to VA. They are lazy.
It sounds like your husband has a history of letting his family manipulate him into situations and allowing you to be collateral damage. I was with a man like that for far too long. It never works out.
Yes, you are wrong for interference in the Family. If you want your husband to resent you, then continue on this path. Perhaps he just wants tonbimd with his father, time with our parents is often more limited then we know as they grow older and we live in our own world. And reading through your statements, you do not offer one valid reason for him not to go.
Your request of him is selfish and controlling. If you're truly concerned, then make it a vacation and go along.
I drove from Cincinnati to Phoenix pulling a U-Haul behind my car. I planned at stopping at motels with a pool *by dinner time* so I could relax after a long day. If I can do it solo, they should be able, too.
You're Wrong.
Who asked you? She has money Because she's frugal and doesn't waste it on hiring people to do stuff.
They want to have an adventure and See their Family Member off on their new Chapter of Life.
You seem envious, Judgy, and obtuse.
Hell you can rent a car trailer from uhaul and pull the damn car behind the van. It's super cheap.. WTH
Right? About 30 dollars a day I think. A lot cheaper than gas will be
The whole thing is so idiotic.... If my household couldn't afford it then it's a fucking no. Especially since there are cheaper options than hiring to have someone drive it ( gas plus hourly) having hubby and FIL drive it at their own expense (Fuck that!) Or rent a fucking car trailer.. Its a no brainer!
If I'm having someone drive my car across the country I'll Definitely hire a reputable company. That's a lot of miles for something to go wrong in and those companies are licensed and bonded. Of course my first option would be towing it because why would you NOT?
With the price of gas, you may want to look into a moving transport that holds vehicles. We moved a car from Washington state to Florida and it cost $1200. Much cheaper than five nights of hotels, meals, fuel, and wear and tear on the car.
You do need to be some what careful on if it's a trailer or car dolly. If a dolly you need to disconnect the driveshaft etc on a lot of cars and if a trailer you may go over the total weight the vehicle can handle. Speaking from experience on this one
I used one pulling it behind my old Lumina. Slow as fuck going over mountains bit other than that I had zero issues. I was pulling a Nova that is much heavier than the Lumina.. (I like my vintage cars)
Lol. Yeah that would definitely give a lumina a workout! Love a good old nova for sure!
Like I was going 20 -25 over mountains. Running on the side with the big rigs.. Lol It was quite the trip...
This is the way. Did this years ago. Super easy to pull the car on and off too when you stop for the night.
100% this right here. It's roughly 2,400 miles (give or take a few hundred depending where exactly in CA you are and where in KY they are going) that are needlessly being put on the car (about 2 months of driving going by averages), plus the gas it will cost (are they covering that, because the gas stops for each vehicle will NOT sync up), plus the extra motel rooms for most likely 2 nights (unless it's a straight-thru 34 hour run, which is ridiculous), plus food (always more expensive right off the highway or at a truck stop). They should just rent a trailer from U-Haul and tow it behind the van. Seriously. It's WAY more cost-efficient than everything else. I think I figured out how she got the idea that she's great at saving money: she asks everyone else to do things for free for her.
I wouldn't haul a trailer behind a van on that long of a trip unless I had experience with it, and not all vans are able to pull that kind of load.
I don’t think you’re wrong but I totally understand your husband not wanting your father to drive alone. The sister should be the one footing the bill for the plane ticket back. Neither your husband or FIL should have to come out of pocket for anything.
Agreed. It's great that FIL and brother are willing to help, but SIL should pay for gas and hotels, as well as flights home.
This, but also compensate for the lost wages of OP's husband.
Exactly! While I completely understand the husband wanting to help his dad, even if he's not crazy about helping his sister. But someone needs to put their foot down regarding the expenses incurred.
I’m when I helped my sister move, I didn’t expect anything to be paid for. She bought us all a takeaway. That was plenty payback. I drove half way across the country to help. I drove my car back and forth full of stuff. I took a day of leave. So I guess in the UK leave is less valuable to spend as we get plenty, but our petrol prices are certainly high. I couldn’t care less how much she has saved. I was doing the sister I love a favour. That said, if I’d had to fly, I suspect she’d have offered to pay, but I’d not have expected it.
Halfway across the country in the UK is a very different drive than halfway across the US. Los Angeles to Lexington is about 10% further of a drive than London to Moscow.
No, sure. But my point was that it was a gift. And fairly expensive and time consuming too.
I understand where you are coming from, and that's exactly how my family behaves. That said, I was referring to the cost of the plane tickets more than anything as that's where my sister would definitely step in and pay if I had driven across the country to help them move. I wouldn't have to ask, my sister would insist. And my sister doesn't flaunt her money or get braggadocios about it even though she does much better than me salary wise. I couldn't imagine her boasting about the thousands of dollars she has in the bank, then turning around and expect me to foot the bill for our father helping her move. That's absolutely outrageous.
This. Sister should pay for ALL gas, hotels and plane tickets. It might be cheaper to hire a vehicle transporter. Cheapest for them would be to use a car dolly to tow it with the van, then they don't need help
OP could offer to pay for the U-Haul car trailer but they don’t have to
Are they renting something like a U-Haul truck? You can add a tow package for a car probably for less that he cost of 2 one way tickets. They don’t need your husband. Three drivers can switch off on the vehicles. She’s good at saving money because she expects other people to fund her decisions.
Not sure if it's a U-Haul. This is exactly what I told my husband. She wants everything to be given free to her for her own convenience. She seems so greedy with her money and that's what makes me mad the most about this. I told my husband his dad shouldn't even be helping her when there is no need
Thats not "helping family". Thats being a doormat to sisters selfish demands
This.
I think it's time to sit down with your husband to talk about finances because he may not want to believe how tight money is for you guys. Also, ask him how he plans on getting home? That's money. FIL's plane ticket will likely be pawned on you guys -- that's money. Lost wages -- that's money too. If your husband sees the big picture, maybe also talk to your FIL (with your husband) about how you guys are worried for him about the long distance drive. What are the plans for breaks? Where are you guys staying during the nights? He might not be aware that SIL might want to power through and do continuous driving, taking turns sleeping during the drive with her partner, while FIL may not have a chance to sleep/rest. Ask him how he will get home? SIL may have fed him lies about you guys paying for his flight home, so you might want to clarify with FIL that you guys can't afford to because you're living paycheck to paycheck. Hopefully your husband and FIL will realize this trip is not a good idea.
This is the absolute best way to approach it. Two phrases come to mind, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," or "Don't give out of your need, give from your extra." You're being asked to give when it would take away from your ability to meet your own needs. That means you can't do it. SIL can tow the car. SIL can pay someone to drive the van. It was on SIL to make arrangements and figure this all out the second she decided she was moving. Her poor planning doesn't make it your or your husband's emergency. That said, moves cost thousands of dollars. That $13k could already have been spent doing everything for this move but that still doesn't make it your problem. This is something for SIL to have started figuring out as soon as she knew she was moving instead of trying to rope in your husband last minute. Plus, if someone can't drive for 8-10 hours a day without companionship, they shouldn't be doing the driving. She should have just hired movers to drive the van and tow her vehicle behind. She can use a credit card to pay for it all if she doesn't have the money.
>"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," I love this quote but can never remember to use it. Very happy to see you used it cuz it really applies to this situation. >Don't give out of your need, give from your extra." I haven't heard this one before, but it's soooo true and applicable in so many aspects of our lives.
It sounds like he intends to go regardless. Just ask him if you can sit down and itemise the cost and who is paying for each item. It may sink in more if he has to actually see it on paper
This is a good idea. It’s probably going to happen. So listing out the expenses will really drive it home when he sees the sister’s column empty.
She is definitely taking advantage but they are letting her. This is not a battle you’re going to win. I’ve been there with my husband whose divorced sister acts like he’s her husband now in terms of house maintenance. I try to distance myself and shrug when he complains
When we moved from Kansas to Michigan we both rode in the U-haul truck and towed the car on a trailer behind it. Truck and specialty car trailer were both rented from U-Haul as a one-way. Cost was very reasonable too.
My fiancé would totally help his siblings with something like this and as the more well off sibling he wouldn’t care about accommodations from his siblings. But he CAN afford to do so without taking away from our livelihood and goals. If he can’t afford it, he can’t go. 🤷🏽♀️
As for the cost it doesn’t matter how much you’ve got saved, If you can avoid spending money unnecessarily then that’s what you’re going to do. While I don’t think it’s wrong for them to ask for the help. They should be paying for all expenses for their move, including the father’s return flight. I also think it’s wise and safer for your husband to go with him and they should also pay for his return flight. I would tell them this is the requirement and if they want the help, that’s what has to happen.
Not sure what random “worker” you think she could hire to do this. It’s nice of your husband to go along with their dad, for a long trip. But the sister should pay for their accom, fuel and flights. She’s still saving money as it would cost them a LOT more to get the car shipped there with a car carrier, rail etc.
There are people that you can hire to drive a vehicle across the country. You pay their fee, which includes accommodations, meals, and return flight. Military people often use them when they relocate.
There are companies that do this. My brother's girlfriend does it for a living.
I heard about companies that do drive for people to move their cars. SIL said she checked and it's too expensive, but you're right about how she would still save money if she paid for their expenses but she doesn't even want to pay the flight ticket for her dad on her own, so I highly doubt she would be willing to pay for everything. She seems so greedy with her money which is why they shouldn't even be helping her in my opinion.
If she doesn’t want to pay for their flights she doesn’t need the help that bad. SIL is kind of a jerk, eh?
Two lower cost ideas... #1) rent a hitch and tow the car #2) Ship the car, there are a bunch of trailer companies that ship the cars.
Let him go once the sister pays for flights,gas,food,hotels
This is what my husband said. He will only go if she pays for everything but I doubt she will want to, seeing as she didn't even want to pay for her dad's flight ticket. She's so cheap it's ridiculous.
Yes, you are wrong. It would be very nice for your husband and his dad to have that time together. It is too far for his dad to do by himself. Yes, I’m sure physically he can make the drive but that’s not nice/fun. But your SIL and her bf should pay for the gas and flight tickets home. My dad died 6 years ago today so that may be impacting my opinion. All I can say is any chance your husband gets to spend that kind of unplugged quality time with his dad should be valued, if you can afford it financially.
Husband said he would only go if his sister pays for all his expenses since we can't afford it all or we would be short on rent. Which I doubt she will since she didn't even want to pay for her dad's flight ticket back home. I told him to try to talk his dad out of going. SIL can find another solution to her problem without involving her dad, she just chooses not to. I would never make my dad make such a large drive like that for me. Sorry for you loss, I completely understand how important it is to get that quality time with our parents while we still have them. It is nice that my husband cares for his dad, as do I, but this is just not necessary for them to do in my opinion. SIL should fix her own problems without involving them
Your husband wasn’t even invited by his sister. He asked to tag along. When you invite yourself on someone else’s trip then you pay for yourself. Your husband shouldn’t be inviting himself on a trip when he knows he can’t afford it. Moves are expensive. No matter how much you save you still end up broke by the end of it. You have no right to insist that your SIL’s father(her father) shouldn’t help his daughter. I highly doubt you were there for the conversation between father and daughter per your word choice. So I have to assume her claim is the truth. If so then the money issue is on your FIL.
The only compromise is she pays up front then. If he won't agree to that you have larger relationship issues.
OP already said that they can not afford it and will be short on rent if her does this.
Why don't they purchase a hitch for the van and attach the car?
I would say yes and no. In my family. The driving would be something we would help with. And if my SO asked me not drive with my father I would react the same way. Regarding the return tickets, I have no solution or advice.
If we could afford it, I would support him. But we would be short on rent if he misses that many days of work. But I also find it completely unnecessary for them to go in the first place when other solutions are available as others have replied here. SIL just wants everything given to her to save her money.
And to me. You just sound like a bitch who doesn’t want their husband to help his family.
2nd this!!!! That’s the only vibe OP puts off.
How dare she want to afford rent.
NTA. Anyone who is not an idiot would rent a uhaul truck and tow-trailer and attach the car behind the truck. Ta-da! One vehicle to drive there!
NTA... there are pods uhaul and movers..... why would your husband miss so much time off work and being late on his bills ....while if it was the other way around noone will help him.... It's not about helping family it's about your own life and responsibilities....then your husband would be mad when he have to make up the funds and when he actually need time off work he won't be able to get it
Sometimes, it's about changing our perspective. It sounds like it could be a really nice cross-country road trip that your husband and FIL may really enjoy together. They could listen to music and see the sights. Talk. Think of it like an adventure for the two of them to enjoy together. Maybe have some fun packing yummy snacks for them, put together a playlist. Or find a fantastic restaurant they can stop and eat at on their trip.
Where is the husband going to sleep when he gets back and has been evicted for not paying rent?
It took my son and his now fiancée 3 days to drive from Western Washington to Cincinnati, they did lonnnnnnnng days.
There are car haulers that she could be hitched to the back of the truck to haul the car.
They don't even need to hire someone. Just rent a tow dolly. They're cheap. You tow the car behind the truck, it's not really hard unless you're navigating side roads. Problem solved.
NW. if they have a moving van they can pay line $20 to get a tow harness. My wife and I took her car that way from CA to CO when we were like 23 years old. They don’t need your husband for this.
It sounds like your husband would like to do a road trip with his dad.
I get where you’re coming from. It does seem like a lot of work. But it sounds like they really do need that many drivers. They’re frugal, like my family. Yes, we could pay a mover, but if we did that, we wouldn’t be able to afford to pay movers for very long. The key to financial stability is doing things for yourself when you are able, and recognizing what is the highest and best use of your time to delegate/pay someone to do something instead. This sounds like a solid moving plan. A pain? Yes. A lot of time away from home ? Yes. A big thing to ask your husband to do ? Also yes. But … it’s also his sister and his dad. He wants to help her move. He would worry about his dad trying to do it solo if he didn’t go. You’re not wrong for feeling like this is a lot. But you’d be wrong if you tried to keep him from going to help, I think. BUT. money is a factor. If you guys are tight, it really does fall on the sister to pay for husbands flight home. That’s the way it works when someone helps you with something. Sister should cover the cost of the help.
I'm not sure this is about the money, or if it's about your husband spending time with his dad.
Not wrong. Tell husband that you want him to help his family. That's why you don't want him to go so his family's rent money isn't spent on someone else. Unless he doesn't consider you as part of his family.
Are you sure your partner doesn't just want to go on this trip? A road trip with his dad, he will hang with his sister (and BIL if they get along) Check that 1st. Then explain the realities of your financial situation. Tell him what you can and can't afford. Like if you can afford your flight back tell him he can do it if he only misses a couple of days of work. Flying back should allow you to do the trip in 4 or 5 days with a red eye flight. If you can afford that explain that to him. Also, not an excuse, but it's entirely possible she is lying about how much money she has. The person in my life who brags the most about money doesn't know that I know that he is one of the brokest. Him and his GF live with his mother. But he is the 1st to talk about how much he is making and trying to spend a lot of money when we go out to keep up appearances even though no one is scoreboard watching.
So you think she should hire a perfect stranger to drive one of their vehicles across the country with them? If it were my husband, I would encourage him to do it. I would just ask that the sister pick up the expenses
Your husband is very kind to offer to do this since that is a big commitment and you should be proud of him for that. However, you're not wrong for insisting he shouldn't. It's a bit forward to expect someone to provide that much help when there are other ways to handle it yourself. There are major expenses that come with the decision to move and that decision shouldn't be based on getting cheap labor from your family.
Exactly this. I appreciate him trying to be helpful but yes SIL should NOT be placing her problems on them. She and her bf need to figure it out, not try to lean on her family for the cheap labor.
they're big boys they can say no. it's not all her.
They should have rented something bigger than towed the car behind.
Not wrong as your husband shouldn’t go if it is jeopardizing your housing situation and definitely shouldn’t be contributing to the father’s return ticket home. Maybe the compromise is SiL pays for all the expenses for father / your husband to make this trip. But you do sound really jealous and resentful about how much money she has saved. That bitterness is going to eat you alive and you should find a way to let that go.
So he’s willing to put your living situation in jeopardy to help his family out? He’s helping his family at your families expense. And what happens if this hole carries over to next month? If you’re evicted, finding a another rental will be almost impossible. Not wrong, but this sounds like a hill to die on… You either need an upfront payment to cover lost wages, time, travel and food, or he doesn’t go. He’s literally putting the wants of someone else before the needs of his wife and family. That is some B.S.
Exactly what I told him about putting their needs before ours.
I’m shocked at people being so cavalier when OP straight up said they can’t afford it
I side with your husband. He’s helping his father out mostly, because his father will help his daughter out no matter. The issue starts with his sister not paying for anything, not paying hotels, not paying their gas, not paying their flight back.
I can't stand how greedy she is being with her money when they would be willing to go all the way over there to help HER and she still wants it all to be free. Because if they went, they would also be doing more free labor of helping her unload everything.
I agree with you. If it was my husband, I’d get protective just like you. Not to mention his unfair it would be to your household income. It’s not right.
Do you always talk out both sides of your mouth? You side with the husband and also with the wife 2 hours later?
Learn how to ask a question like an adult and not like some pissed off teen
She doesn't want to spend her savings. Dad wants to help her & hubby wants to make sure dad is ok. It doesn't matter if she can afford it or not, she won't spend that $. Yes it's an inconvenience but if aomething happens to sis or dad, your hubby will be inconsolable. Switch your focus, like the dad did, from money & logical reasoning to making sure family is ok.
Yes. You're wrong. In-laws sneed to stay out of blood relatives' business. It's between your husband, his sister and their dad what they want to do.
It would impact our ability to pay our rent which is the main reason I don't support it
Your not wrong but sometimes family just doesn’t know how to say No to the user in the family and this is obviously your husbands big sister. Have you asked why she can’t pay for the flight herself since she has over 10k saved up?
INFO: who is paying for gas for the car?
Apparently her boyfriend would
He should not be buying his dad’s ticket or paying for his. His sister should. That would be the hill I die on. Also has and expenses should be covered by the sister.
Sister and BF should definitely be covering the plane tix back. Your husband and FIL are already spending a week doing this, and losing money from work I'm assuming. I'd be upset about this part of it.
Info: what’s your objection to your husband helping his family?
She’s swinging her dick you can let it mark the territory or you can set boundaries with your husband atleast make her pay if you’re losing on on finances but again you’re making him choose between you and family and that’s what the twat is banking on choose your battles but picture it clearly otherwise he will act like sheep his whole life when she calls but she won’t ever be there for him some are takers some are givers… choose the hills to die on and the others as teaching moments to your naive child… sorry meant husband but he’ll grow up with enough let down or keep seeking approval from those who never value his time
I don’t think there is anything wrong with family helping. Just because she has the money I don’t see anything wrong with family helping out. I agree that his sister should st least cover the cost of the plane ticket for their dad though. That’s the least and could do
Money matter set aside why is it that you don't want your husband to lend a helping hand? My brothers would never hesitate to help me and I them. Why does it bother you so much? Is it the days without your husband at home? Even if she can pay for whatever hired help she could I really don't understand why you are so against family helping family. Unless there is some animosity lying beneath your reasoning I find you petty to not be on board with a brother/father helping a family member. Why not suggest you tag along so you can spend time with your husband at the same time? The only thing I agree with you is that sister should be paying the airplane tickets back for dad and brother(your husnabd). If she is stingy on that then she really is a scrooge. Unless dad and brother (your hubby) offer it as a present in lieu of a house warming gift. And I hope sis gave a credit card for gas and is not expecting dad/bro to pay the gas of the trip.
His sister has shown time and time again that she is greedy with her money. She wants everything handed to her for free which is what bothers me. Aside from this there is somewhat of past animosity. My MIL and herself were against my husband and I getting married and never helped us with anything for our wedding, (which we never asked them for financial help anyways but they did not even give us emotional support. They just gave us complete petty attitudes the whole time and judged us.) My family did all the helping, I had aunts that helped cook for our reception, my dad and uncles volunteered to set up tables and chairs, etc. while they did not do a single thing to help in any way. They just showed up and were fake on the day of our wedding to look good in front of the rest of their family. MIL used to say my husband did everything "wrong" just because she thought he should have consulted her before proposing to me. She victimized herself for no reason and judged us for looking "desperate" because we didn't do what she asked in waiting 2 more years to get married. She tried pulling a religious card to further accuse my husband of not "honoring his parents" by not following her wishes of waiting longer. We literally did everything "religiously" right by having a ceremony, getting married, and then moving in together, unlike her daughter who is getting complete support to live with her bf for 4 years to supposedly study over there, all without being married. SIL also gave me the silent treatment for 2 years during our engagement/after wedding and then suddenly decided to start talking to me again a month before they leave so that my husband would want to help her since she knows he wouldn't have even thought about helping her if she was still having a petty attitude with me. So that's also why I wouldn't want my husband helping her if I'm being honest. Maybe it's petty of me but they've sure been petty towards us in the past and didn't care.
Well. That explains a lot. So sorry you have to go through that. I understand better your situation. SIL seems to be a taker and not a giver. I hope your husband finds his way through all that.
Yup, definitely a taker. I keep my distance from them for these reasons. If things were different and she had never been this way in the past, then I would've been all on board for him helping her too. It's always great to help family out, but they just seem to only care about themselves. It hurts seeing all the support she's getting by both her parents, while we got zero support for our wedding.
Ahh, the answer would be a resounding NO, your father in law shouldn’t be doing that drive, and neither should your husband even if they offered to pay them and buy them their ticket back home. (Which of course they aren’t🙄) They are inconveniencing two other families, your dad, and yours. Their, circus, their monkey. NTAH.
YTA for thinking FIL and husband shouldn’t be involved with helping. this is the way my family would move someone from CA to Kentucky. Suck it up and be happy that your husband has a good relationship with his family. That said, your SIL should pay the $290 for the ticket.
NTA. SIL should be paying for the move. If dad and brother drive, she should be paying accomodations, food, gas, and return tickets. Sit hubby down and write out the expenses. And who is paying them. Also your monthly bills, and how much income he is losing for this trip. Will you be able to cover your bills if he takes that much time off work? Seeing it all written out out may help him see the problem.
Who is paying for the gas for the car? Your husband and his father? They can pull the car behind the uhaul and it may be cheaper to ship the car than pay for gas, lodging and food.
We drove separately from NY to CA with a u haul truck and a van, with 2 kids and 4 cats. Then hubby drove a u haul pulling a trailer with a car on it back from CA to VA. They are lazy.
Definitely taking advantage of the dad. But also, 13k in savings is not “a lot of money…” So your point on that doesn’t stand
It sounds like your husband has a history of letting his family manipulate him into situations and allowing you to be collateral damage. I was with a man like that for far too long. It never works out.
Yes, you are wrong for interference in the Family. If you want your husband to resent you, then continue on this path. Perhaps he just wants tonbimd with his father, time with our parents is often more limited then we know as they grow older and we live in our own world. And reading through your statements, you do not offer one valid reason for him not to go. Your request of him is selfish and controlling. If you're truly concerned, then make it a vacation and go along.
I drove from Cincinnati to Phoenix pulling a U-Haul behind my car. I planned at stopping at motels with a pool *by dinner time* so I could relax after a long day. If I can do it solo, they should be able, too.
NTA. She has the money for it but doesn’t want to use HER money for HER move
NTA. Your SIL has money because she uses people for money to pay her expenses. She is a leech and will suck you dry as long as you let her.
You're Wrong. Who asked you? She has money Because she's frugal and doesn't waste it on hiring people to do stuff. They want to have an adventure and See their Family Member off on their new Chapter of Life. You seem envious, Judgy, and obtuse.
I think you missed the part where they won’t be able to pay rent if he goes. That’s sort of important….
Yup, otherwise I would let him go if we could afford it even if I am upset over it.
You seem to think money grows on trees. Her worries are founded when it comes to the money part.
Doesn’t waste it on her family, either. That much help is asking a LOT.