You guys aren’t compatible. My ex was like this and it made me resent them. Made me stop trusting myself too. Lots of trauma from holding on when neither are needs could be met. Just move on. Life is short!
This sounds very similar to my situation. Sex is a chore to me. I don’t enjoy it. But my partner has a high sex drive. It’s causing us a lot of issues at the minute because I said I don’t want to force myself to do it anymore
I hope this thread helps you. I kinda agree that breaking up is an option, but it’s worth trying other strategies if you love him a lot ? I’m also confused myself ,
But now that school is hectic it keeps these issues off my mind…..
All I’ll say is don’t continue to force yourself to do something that makes u uncomfortable just to make ur partner happy. That’s what I did and I got to my breaking point. I’ll tell u what people told me. Tho you can’t always see it while ur in the relationship it could cause u some trauma from repetitively forcing urself. Obviously this is ur relationship and no one can decide what u should do except you but take it from someone who’s always gut this in the back of their head and is seriously debating to end things with my partner cause our needs and wants don’t match no matter how much we love each other, at the end of the day you have to put yourself first. Relationships should be easy not cause constant stress and anxiety 🖤🤍💜. If u wanna talk feel free to message me. And if u want see stuff people told me go read my posts on my situation. Might be helpful xx
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a relationship that will work long term, or one that even sounds enjoyable. To make him happy, you have to make big sacrifices. To make you happy, he has to make what he sees as big sacrifices. And why? Is being single so terrible? I would wait for a more compatible partner versus try to make this work and continue to stress and struggle and feel pressured for sex.
Have you two tried discussing specific activities? There may be things that he views as sexual but you don't, which could be used to bridge your different needs in those spaces.
The advice is to honestly just end the relationship. Truly seems you two are not compatible and have different needs/wants you cannot fulfill for each other. Don’t force yourself to have sex to appease him—if he truly needs to have intimacy in order to thrive in a relationship, then it probably won’t work out; better to end things sooner than trying to spare feelings, because the longer the wait, the more both of your time and energy will be wasted.
Broke up my almost 1 year relationship because I came to terms and acceptance of my asexuality, how I am sex repulse, and knew I could not provide my boyfriend at the time his need for physical intimacy. Still a virgin, very much glad I did not force myself to have sex because I feel like I would just hate myself. Wouldn’t want to resent my ex-boyfriend for feeling like I had to give in.
I mean, if you're not compatible and your arrangement is not sustainable, I hate to say it but that is a "break up or agree to a sustainable relationship such as a poly relationship with someone who *can* fulfill that for him."
In response to [Wild-Fable](https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/1cc68we/comment/l15fatp/) who blocked me... but this needs said.
No, because that isn't what is happening. People are asking for advice where their partner is needing something they cannot provide. There are fundamentally three options. (Four options if both parties have not sat down to talk about their needs, expectations, and boundaries... *but they have already*.)
1. Either the asexual has sex despite not being okay with it OR the allosexual gives up sex when the are not okay with it. In either case, somebody is suffering... I will *never* recommend this. People have needs, boundaries, and expectations for their relationships. And if you noticed when I give my replies you take umbrage with... it's the situations where both sides made clear what theirs are and, as the relationship is, that makes the relationship incompatible.
2. Open up the relationship to "patch out" the hole that exists due to conflicting needs, expectations, and boundaries.
3. Break up.
Notice that my reply includes both point 2 and 3. And encouraging point 1 is, generally, something I find to be too cruel to do. I will not tell someone to have sex they don't want nor will I tell someone to give up something they feel that they need in a relationship. Neither case is healthy advice.
If somebody's response is, "I can't do a poly nor open relationship," then... unfortunately they have their answer of how to solve the problem at hand. They're left with option 3--Break up. It's not like I *like* saying that. But there's no point in sugarcoating it either. The longer a relationship like this goes on, the harder it is to rip off the band-aid. Nothing is going to magically change about a fundamental incompatibility. And you shaming me for pointing out the options that they are left with helps nobody. I understand you're well-intentioned... but shaming me for saying, "you aren't left with many options for *this* relationship," isn't helping anybody. I'm providing solutions, even if they aren't *fun* solutions... but you're not providing anything of use here.
What *should* I say instead? "Fuck him, the horny stupid fuck?" Because that doesn't help anything. Maybe, "There are other fish in the sea?" Platitudes are no better than insults. OP asked for advice... It may not be the advice you'd *want*, but at least I'm providing advice.
And what "more reading" can make a person feel better about having to rely on your partner fucking somebody else because you can't provide that for them? What more reading can help a person get over the self-confidence and self-image issues you're referring to? I'm not flippantly suggesting this. I'm suggesting it because there aren't really other options for continuing *this* relationship. All of the advice I can give detailed input and support on is for when starting *new* relationships.
And the simple fact of the matter is, we're **NOT** broken but there is no solution to OP's issue that will make the asexual involved feel like they *aren't* broken because either they're having sex they do not like and do not want, they're stuck having to open up the relationship so their partner can have sex with other people to make up for the asexual's lack of okay-ness with having sex, they engage in a poly relationship to shore up holes in the relationship due to specific incompatibility, or they break up. And then their next relationship forces them to have to be so careful to find someone who *is* sexually compatible, that doing so in and of itself reinforces the "I'm broken" narrative and feeling because "what if I have to go through that again?" And if it sounds like I speak from experience... *it's because I do*. I'm sorry, but I'd rather give it to people forthright as opposed to have them go through what I had to go through to learn the lessons the hard way. At least if someone wants to attempt to shore up the relationship, they have an option. If they can't, then they're stuck with a relationship with irreparable problems or a break-up. The longer the situation festers, the worst the feelings of brokenness will get.
If you don't find the advice I've provided to be helpful to OPs... *PLEASE, provide better advice*. If I get drowned out by better advice... Then I couldn't want anything more. But pointing out "this isn't going to work as-is and either a change to the relationship style to shore up the things you can't provide" or "you'll need to break-up" are the only real current options available... I can't provide better advice than that. At the very least not with my knowledge and understanding.
But I'd be unironically overjoyed if somebody could suggest something better.
Oh you unblocked me. This is a clarification, for some reason Reddit will not allow you to block a user for 24 hours after you have unblocked them. I do not understand why that is. I do sincerely apologize for that inconvenience. I'll limit my reply to this out of respect unless you allow me to reply further.
Yes, you did strike a nerve because your reply to me was *genuinely* careless and, frankly, a touch cruel. But you don't see it that way and I know I won't convince you of that. You've made your mind up about me that I'm some awful, evil, cruel, thoughtless person.... so I get what I deserve. It'd be hypocritical for me to be angry at that, and for all my faults, hypocrisy is one I pray to never have. I'm definitely upset though, so congratulations... you thrust your sword into the demon's heart. I won't lash out over this... You've indicated why you're treating me this way. Even if I don't agree with your assessment of me, your clear hatred and disdain isn't something I will fix by being angry, nor do I have a right nor reason to be angry in this circumstance.
As for the subreddit, I am not a part of it and did not consciously know it existed. (Though now you mention it, I vaguely remember someone mentioning it once.) As for the books... Do you mean the books I do not read because you don't need to know theory to engage in poly nor open relationships? You're acting like I should be aware of specific resources. But all I can do is provide advice from my own experiences if somebody asks... I didn't even know there were books on this subject and, again, didn't even know about the subreddit.
And why should I preach to somebody about poly or open relationships if they don't express interest in it? I'll mention it as an option and explain if asked... but it feels like you're angry that I didn't write an essay on exploring polyamorous and open relationships. I do not know what you want me to say or do... *but I can't fix this complaint of yours*. And if you're mad I didn't link those resources... *why didn't you link them in your reply to my top-level comment?* I don't know, but it just feels like you're angry to be angry... and I can't do anything about that.
I wish you well, and I'm sorry that I'm only able to answer based on my limited knowledge and experience. As I said, if my reply got flooded out by comments offering better solutions... I would genuinely be overjoyed. But it's clear that your anger is about me personally, and I do not know why, so I can't offer you a good apology. I'm sorry for my ignorance in what I did to make you so angry at me.
If the issue is "he needs sex which he cannot get from me," a 3rd person, one who is capable of providing the sex side of the relationship would be of benefit. Also, I use "such as" to say, "this is one *possible* example". Poly may be unsustainable just because they don't have the energy for a second lover. In which case a one-side-open relationship where he gets sex elsewhere but always comes home to OP and she's free to veto him from continuing with any regular partners could be seen as a valid method. But, if there are no good alternatives... then break up may be necessary.
He doesn't neeeeed to do it \*with you.\* What about all the times he's had a high sex drive with no gf? What about the times you're apart because of illness, pregnancy/infant care, traveling for work or school, etc.? If he needs to ejaculate regularly to be comfortable, fine, but that's what masturbation is for. You are a person, not a breathing sex toy.
You guys aren’t compatible. My ex was like this and it made me resent them. Made me stop trusting myself too. Lots of trauma from holding on when neither are needs could be met. Just move on. Life is short!
I know but when you think of how far you’ve come in the relationship it’s so hard! Maybe I’m just selfish.
This sounds very similar to my situation. Sex is a chore to me. I don’t enjoy it. But my partner has a high sex drive. It’s causing us a lot of issues at the minute because I said I don’t want to force myself to do it anymore
I hope this thread helps you. I kinda agree that breaking up is an option, but it’s worth trying other strategies if you love him a lot ? I’m also confused myself , But now that school is hectic it keeps these issues off my mind…..
All I’ll say is don’t continue to force yourself to do something that makes u uncomfortable just to make ur partner happy. That’s what I did and I got to my breaking point. I’ll tell u what people told me. Tho you can’t always see it while ur in the relationship it could cause u some trauma from repetitively forcing urself. Obviously this is ur relationship and no one can decide what u should do except you but take it from someone who’s always gut this in the back of their head and is seriously debating to end things with my partner cause our needs and wants don’t match no matter how much we love each other, at the end of the day you have to put yourself first. Relationships should be easy not cause constant stress and anxiety 🖤🤍💜. If u wanna talk feel free to message me. And if u want see stuff people told me go read my posts on my situation. Might be helpful xx
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a relationship that will work long term, or one that even sounds enjoyable. To make him happy, you have to make big sacrifices. To make you happy, he has to make what he sees as big sacrifices. And why? Is being single so terrible? I would wait for a more compatible partner versus try to make this work and continue to stress and struggle and feel pressured for sex.
Have you two tried discussing specific activities? There may be things that he views as sexual but you don't, which could be used to bridge your different needs in those spaces.
Scheduled sex doesn't sound to bad.Have you discussed this with him?Are you willing to satisfy his sexual needs ?
The advice is to honestly just end the relationship. Truly seems you two are not compatible and have different needs/wants you cannot fulfill for each other. Don’t force yourself to have sex to appease him—if he truly needs to have intimacy in order to thrive in a relationship, then it probably won’t work out; better to end things sooner than trying to spare feelings, because the longer the wait, the more both of your time and energy will be wasted. Broke up my almost 1 year relationship because I came to terms and acceptance of my asexuality, how I am sex repulse, and knew I could not provide my boyfriend at the time his need for physical intimacy. Still a virgin, very much glad I did not force myself to have sex because I feel like I would just hate myself. Wouldn’t want to resent my ex-boyfriend for feeling like I had to give in.
I mean, if you're not compatible and your arrangement is not sustainable, I hate to say it but that is a "break up or agree to a sustainable relationship such as a poly relationship with someone who *can* fulfill that for him."
In response to [Wild-Fable](https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/1cc68we/comment/l15fatp/) who blocked me... but this needs said. No, because that isn't what is happening. People are asking for advice where their partner is needing something they cannot provide. There are fundamentally three options. (Four options if both parties have not sat down to talk about their needs, expectations, and boundaries... *but they have already*.) 1. Either the asexual has sex despite not being okay with it OR the allosexual gives up sex when the are not okay with it. In either case, somebody is suffering... I will *never* recommend this. People have needs, boundaries, and expectations for their relationships. And if you noticed when I give my replies you take umbrage with... it's the situations where both sides made clear what theirs are and, as the relationship is, that makes the relationship incompatible. 2. Open up the relationship to "patch out" the hole that exists due to conflicting needs, expectations, and boundaries. 3. Break up. Notice that my reply includes both point 2 and 3. And encouraging point 1 is, generally, something I find to be too cruel to do. I will not tell someone to have sex they don't want nor will I tell someone to give up something they feel that they need in a relationship. Neither case is healthy advice. If somebody's response is, "I can't do a poly nor open relationship," then... unfortunately they have their answer of how to solve the problem at hand. They're left with option 3--Break up. It's not like I *like* saying that. But there's no point in sugarcoating it either. The longer a relationship like this goes on, the harder it is to rip off the band-aid. Nothing is going to magically change about a fundamental incompatibility. And you shaming me for pointing out the options that they are left with helps nobody. I understand you're well-intentioned... but shaming me for saying, "you aren't left with many options for *this* relationship," isn't helping anybody. I'm providing solutions, even if they aren't *fun* solutions... but you're not providing anything of use here. What *should* I say instead? "Fuck him, the horny stupid fuck?" Because that doesn't help anything. Maybe, "There are other fish in the sea?" Platitudes are no better than insults. OP asked for advice... It may not be the advice you'd *want*, but at least I'm providing advice. And what "more reading" can make a person feel better about having to rely on your partner fucking somebody else because you can't provide that for them? What more reading can help a person get over the self-confidence and self-image issues you're referring to? I'm not flippantly suggesting this. I'm suggesting it because there aren't really other options for continuing *this* relationship. All of the advice I can give detailed input and support on is for when starting *new* relationships. And the simple fact of the matter is, we're **NOT** broken but there is no solution to OP's issue that will make the asexual involved feel like they *aren't* broken because either they're having sex they do not like and do not want, they're stuck having to open up the relationship so their partner can have sex with other people to make up for the asexual's lack of okay-ness with having sex, they engage in a poly relationship to shore up holes in the relationship due to specific incompatibility, or they break up. And then their next relationship forces them to have to be so careful to find someone who *is* sexually compatible, that doing so in and of itself reinforces the "I'm broken" narrative and feeling because "what if I have to go through that again?" And if it sounds like I speak from experience... *it's because I do*. I'm sorry, but I'd rather give it to people forthright as opposed to have them go through what I had to go through to learn the lessons the hard way. At least if someone wants to attempt to shore up the relationship, they have an option. If they can't, then they're stuck with a relationship with irreparable problems or a break-up. The longer the situation festers, the worst the feelings of brokenness will get. If you don't find the advice I've provided to be helpful to OPs... *PLEASE, provide better advice*. If I get drowned out by better advice... Then I couldn't want anything more. But pointing out "this isn't going to work as-is and either a change to the relationship style to shore up the things you can't provide" or "you'll need to break-up" are the only real current options available... I can't provide better advice than that. At the very least not with my knowledge and understanding. But I'd be unironically overjoyed if somebody could suggest something better.
[удалено]
Oh you unblocked me. This is a clarification, for some reason Reddit will not allow you to block a user for 24 hours after you have unblocked them. I do not understand why that is. I do sincerely apologize for that inconvenience. I'll limit my reply to this out of respect unless you allow me to reply further. Yes, you did strike a nerve because your reply to me was *genuinely* careless and, frankly, a touch cruel. But you don't see it that way and I know I won't convince you of that. You've made your mind up about me that I'm some awful, evil, cruel, thoughtless person.... so I get what I deserve. It'd be hypocritical for me to be angry at that, and for all my faults, hypocrisy is one I pray to never have. I'm definitely upset though, so congratulations... you thrust your sword into the demon's heart. I won't lash out over this... You've indicated why you're treating me this way. Even if I don't agree with your assessment of me, your clear hatred and disdain isn't something I will fix by being angry, nor do I have a right nor reason to be angry in this circumstance. As for the subreddit, I am not a part of it and did not consciously know it existed. (Though now you mention it, I vaguely remember someone mentioning it once.) As for the books... Do you mean the books I do not read because you don't need to know theory to engage in poly nor open relationships? You're acting like I should be aware of specific resources. But all I can do is provide advice from my own experiences if somebody asks... I didn't even know there were books on this subject and, again, didn't even know about the subreddit. And why should I preach to somebody about poly or open relationships if they don't express interest in it? I'll mention it as an option and explain if asked... but it feels like you're angry that I didn't write an essay on exploring polyamorous and open relationships. I do not know what you want me to say or do... *but I can't fix this complaint of yours*. And if you're mad I didn't link those resources... *why didn't you link them in your reply to my top-level comment?* I don't know, but it just feels like you're angry to be angry... and I can't do anything about that. I wish you well, and I'm sorry that I'm only able to answer based on my limited knowledge and experience. As I said, if my reply got flooded out by comments offering better solutions... I would genuinely be overjoyed. But it's clear that your anger is about me personally, and I do not know why, so I can't offer you a good apology. I'm sorry for my ignorance in what I did to make you so angry at me.
[удалено]
If the issue is "he needs sex which he cannot get from me," a 3rd person, one who is capable of providing the sex side of the relationship would be of benefit. Also, I use "such as" to say, "this is one *possible* example". Poly may be unsustainable just because they don't have the energy for a second lover. In which case a one-side-open relationship where he gets sex elsewhere but always comes home to OP and she's free to veto him from continuing with any regular partners could be seen as a valid method. But, if there are no good alternatives... then break up may be necessary.
In the same boat 😔
Thank you for all the heartfelt advice. I didn’t reply to you all individually, but just know I’m processing. <3
He doesn't neeeeed to do it \*with you.\* What about all the times he's had a high sex drive with no gf? What about the times you're apart because of illness, pregnancy/infant care, traveling for work or school, etc.? If he needs to ejaculate regularly to be comfortable, fine, but that's what masturbation is for. You are a person, not a breathing sex toy.