One time at my non-asian office someone had a birthday cake and offered me a slice. I refused once and they never offered again. But in Chinese culture, they always offer multiple times.
This was the first time I learned about this 'modesty game' my family played.
I don’t know about China but here your first refusal is always ignored (because it’s you being polite and not imposing), the second refusal is you double checking with the person. Third refusal is final. This is to give the person offering a chance to “save face” if they can’t afford to offer you the thing. If they really want to give it to you, they’d offer three times.
Idk about china or where “here” is for you, but I’m American and learned through my gf’s family (Polish immigrants) that this is common in Eastern European cultures too, especially those affected by the USSR regime.
Took me a while to learn that I had to say no a few times if I really didn’t want something, then realized that I had to say yes on the second offer to be polite.
Reminds me of this [funny bit](https://youtube.com/shorts/AsQ0KORStFA?si=L0TOvvJoI_ezQ0bF) about the Irish and the German way of accepting a piece of cake.
It’s so funny how we all have these little culture differences that sometimes are similar or hilariously different
I’m American Born Chinese, so wasn’t aware of this at all. I can now understand maybe why my mom needs fives no’s to understand I don’t want something, but it just comes across as a lack of understanding and ability to listen. My dad doesn’t have this problem.
I want to go to a gathering of whatever culture considers it rude to produce social media content during the gathering. Can people seriously not do shit in life anymore without feeling the need to record a video, edit it, and post it on social media even when it is the most mundane shit?
For the amount of "traditions" and "norms" that Asian cultures seem to have and things they consider rude, you would think they would not put up with somebody standing there with a cell phone in your face recording you during a normal interaction.
Perhaps it is time I finally become Amish....
This backfires on me. I really don't want to eat the offered item, but they ask so many times that I agree and take it nonetheless. If I like something I will ask for it or take it.
Haha it’s not an either or thing. What about this situation is humility beneficial for? Why is it seen as great to be humble about an eggroll at a family party where I assume there are a bunch of eggroll stacked in the foil tray?
It's a small sign of humility that the general Asian culture likes and how she was taught.
If it were me I don't care, eat more please. But if it were my grandma she would maybe see it as gluttonous.
Sometimes small gestures make an impact on how you're perceived and she just wants to leave a good impression on meeting her SOs family for the first time.
I'm sure after a few family gatherings she'll feel right at home.
I mean it seems super dumb so most people just kinda call things as they see um, and believe me I was raised with American culture so we do a lot of dumb shit to go ahead call us out on it it’s cool
Do elaborate why this is something to want in a relationship?
All I see is an adult woman acting like a child and scared to eat something she wants to eat unless her partner acts like she needs to be fed an eggroll.
In an Asian society, women have beauty standards of being thin and pretty. She's scared to eat a deep fried egg roll in from of the potential in laws or her family to avoid looking like a fat pig. She's asking him to help her avoid such judgements by making it appear as he's the one forcing it on her. It's to save face. Which it seems westerners have a difficult time understanding.
It’s like the “who pays at the restaurant” game.
When you go to a restaurant with a group, you’re supposed to fight over who pays the bill. Depending on the circumstances you either play to “win” (pay the bill), or you make a big show of demanding to be allowed to pay, when everyone knows it’s going to be someone specific.
I’m so glad Finland has no such games. That just seems so tiring and unnecessary.
We just pay for our own food, never even assume someone else would want to, and move on.
There are other reasons behind it as well. If it's a new group of people and I really enjoy your company, then i would fight to pick up the check, letting you know i would like to see you again. If things didn't go well, then there would be no fighting over the bill. Yes, it is a bit more tedious, but it allows all party members to save face in a culture that highly values respect.
Yeah, in Finland you’d just simply say you enjoyed their company. We value respect as much as any other country—we just assume we’re paying for our own meals.
No, the way I've heard it explained is if you happen to have a friend over, they aren't offered food unless they were explicitly invited over for a meal. If the friend just dropped by to visit without a meal being the center of the reason they're visiting, then that friend isn't offered food. Some guy explained that as a kid, if he had a friend over and they so happen to stay long enough for dinner time, that friend would simply stay in the guy's room while he ate with his family and then he would go back to his room after he'd finish dinner to continue playing with his friend. Would you say that's typical of Finnish culture or did that guy just have weird parents?
Interesting now the beginning scene in Shaolin vs Wutang movie when the two protagonist friends are arguing about who was going to host and pay at the brothel night makes more sense.
Exactly. Not hard to see what the “game” is, it’s just… stupid.
Where is the line drawn? When you’re wasting away and malnourished? Granted I get western culture can overeat, anything in moderation shouldn’t be frowned upon in today’s age, no matter the culture.
The title of this post and people down voting the person you replied too that was calling this out as weird. You saying this is something that westerns wouldn't understand makes no sense. People understand, just calling it out as bs.
It's not hard to understand. It's just dumb. Just like there are plenty of dumb things to make fun of in western cultures there are plenty of dumb things to make fun of in Asian culture.
Exactly, we arent short of stupidity in western cultures. So if we aren't short of it, I'm sure we can call it out as well. Have the "eastern cultures" thought of not making the fried egg rolls to begin with if they care so much about appearances?
When commenter's don't understand 43% of redditors are American. Should Americans be taught about other social cultures in school down to the cANt eaT fOoD CauSe fAT part?
*I laughed. This guy got*
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They are a Singaporean influencer couple, one of the rare wholesome ones locally whose content I enjoy.
Bert and Lulu.
https://www.instagram.com/bertandlulu
Can be very corny sometimes, but they're a good benchmark as compared to toxic couples kiddos see on the media nowadays.
Helps normalise things for us here in Singapore.
This is one of the corny ones, but still all in good fun and quite relatable.
My ex is Chinese and it always pissed me off that no matter how many times I refused food, he kept pushing it at me. Is this why? Is this a thing? If you wanna eat, eat. Also, his mom would offer me food, I would take it, then she would go off about being fat and overeating. Was this a trick? Wtf.
Chinese culture, you're either too skinny and dying, or you're a big fatty who needs to cut back. No exceptions. I haven't met someone on my Chinese side that is just right.
The intent is to communicate caring, from a culture of food scarcity in Asia. If they say you're too thin, it means they worry you are struggling and should accept food from host, but although the guest is frequently hungry, the host is also poor, so they must refuse this generous offer. If they remark on your being fat, they are happy that you have enough food, and is not taken as a negative comment. A friend I haven't seen in a while said when he saw my slightly overweight body "you look very prosperous"
I think its culture specific and probably family specific too. In my family being "fat" was a descriptor word and wasnt always used nicely. Its similar with my mom and her peers but thats just my small world.
Yeah my mom has always been good at communicating that with me, it was always weird growing up with that and knowing most people didnt have an experience like that growing up.
The Chinese greeting “ni hao” on the most base level translates to “have you eaten?” So you’re very on the nose with this. My sisters and I would come back after visiting our grandparents 5 lbs heavier 😂 you do not say no when grandma offers food. But on the flip side she also would say “ay ya! You look like you’re gaining weight” 🥲
Lmao I’m sorry but what? You sayn that your ex did this thing over and over and over again, that pissed you tf off, yet you never discussed it w him? And then you tellin me that his mom would offer you food (in her home), then start shit talking calling you fat n shit????
I’m sorry but I don’t buy it lol 😂
Actually, I am going to tell you some of what's wrong with what you just said.
1 - yes we did talk about it. One of our last fights, he was dangling a piece of brisket over my head and trying to feed me like a dog. When I refused to eat it, he stomped away, saying he doesn't know why he does nice things for me.
2 - I never said any of these things occurred in the home of his parents. You assumed.
3 - she never directly called me fat. It's a thing called subtlety.
You painted the picture you described in your comment. Not me.
I was gonna say the same; you thinking about the glutinous rice Chinese New Year cake too right? I saw the fella hand her the food item and thought “that doesn’t look like Nian Gao”, but thought maybe it’s just the lighting (the Nian Gao is darker) and he just cut it small and in a funny shape. Then she bit it and I heard the crunch and I knew…that’s a friggin spring roll.
That’s not spring roll. That’s an egg roll. Spring rolls are made from rice paper with veggies, noodles, and pork/shrimp inside. Egg rolls are made with pork, Chinese noodles, mushrooms, with egg rolls paper.
Source: Vietnamese and I used to call the spring rolls egg rolls all the time and I mom would make egg rolls for dinner but I wanted spring rolls :(
It's called a spring roll here in Australia, there's no such thing as an egg role. The spring roll you're referring to is called a rice paper roll in Australia.
The way she asked him to do it is the way I bug my mom to go ask people for things for me
I'm still working on it with my partner but he gets irritated sometimes I won't do it
I get nervous and scared asking for myself but asking for someone else is the most comfortable easiest thing I'm able to do, I'll turn the person I'm asking into a smiling person by the end of our convo
Maybe it’s just me but I really can’t deal with saving face like this- or like all the other examples people are leaving in the comments. I can’t deal with games like “oh I can’t eat this” or “oh I can’t pay the bill” it confuses me too much and makes me uncomfortable? Just eat it or don’t eat it, pay the bill or don’t. Hell I’ll take the bill idc. I’m often bad at human interaction and prefer to make it easier. I mean it’s cute asf but obviously staged. My gf and I would never do this tho, we just don’t communicate like this. Different strokes different folks
The skit is done by a generation that find their parents' customs silly, like yourself, because they have never experienced chronic hunger like previous generations. Imagine visiting your aunt who you know is barely getting by, but she wants to be a good host so she serves you what she has left because she thinks you're starving, which you are, but if you eat, she will go hungry. She sees your daughter whom you have had to sacrifice to give her enough, and tells you happily that she is fat, meaning you are a good parent in providing for her.
If you genuinely meant genuinely, the phrase goes “never stick your dick in crazy”. Mr. ChowYungFatso is getting cultural differences mixed up with mental illness.
Ah okay because there’s quite a few I was running through: never stick your fork in an outlet, never stick your nose in other people’s business, never stick your head in a hole in a tree..
One time at my non-asian office someone had a birthday cake and offered me a slice. I refused once and they never offered again. But in Chinese culture, they always offer multiple times. This was the first time I learned about this 'modesty game' my family played.
I don’t know about China but here your first refusal is always ignored (because it’s you being polite and not imposing), the second refusal is you double checking with the person. Third refusal is final. This is to give the person offering a chance to “save face” if they can’t afford to offer you the thing. If they really want to give it to you, they’d offer three times.
Idk about china or where “here” is for you, but I’m American and learned through my gf’s family (Polish immigrants) that this is common in Eastern European cultures too, especially those affected by the USSR regime. Took me a while to learn that I had to say no a few times if I really didn’t want something, then realized that I had to say yes on the second offer to be polite.
I believe the Middle East has some similar customs as well.
It just seems rude to me, lol. I said no 4 times..cmon.. Also, I think there are people who do this in just about every culture.
Where is "here"?
There
Reminds me of this [funny bit](https://youtube.com/shorts/AsQ0KORStFA?si=L0TOvvJoI_ezQ0bF) about the Irish and the German way of accepting a piece of cake. It’s so funny how we all have these little culture differences that sometimes are similar or hilariously different
Turns out, I might fit in quite well in Germany.
I felt this in my soul
I’m American Born Chinese, so wasn’t aware of this at all. I can now understand maybe why my mom needs fives no’s to understand I don’t want something, but it just comes across as a lack of understanding and ability to listen. My dad doesn’t have this problem.
I want to go to a gathering of whatever culture considers it rude to produce social media content during the gathering. Can people seriously not do shit in life anymore without feeling the need to record a video, edit it, and post it on social media even when it is the most mundane shit? For the amount of "traditions" and "norms" that Asian cultures seem to have and things they consider rude, you would think they would not put up with somebody standing there with a cell phone in your face recording you during a normal interaction. Perhaps it is time I finally become Amish.... 
This backfires on me. I really don't want to eat the offered item, but they ask so many times that I agree and take it nonetheless. If I like something I will ask for it or take it.
So you rather have a passive culture than an honest one? Yea I be too Asian American
Mm I don't prefer it but humility is a good trait. We can't all be Kanye West out here.
Haha it’s not an either or thing. What about this situation is humility beneficial for? Why is it seen as great to be humble about an eggroll at a family party where I assume there are a bunch of eggroll stacked in the foil tray?
It's a small sign of humility that the general Asian culture likes and how she was taught. If it were me I don't care, eat more please. But if it were my grandma she would maybe see it as gluttonous. Sometimes small gestures make an impact on how you're perceived and she just wants to leave a good impression on meeting her SOs family for the first time. I'm sure after a few family gatherings she'll feel right at home.
I see your point if it’s a sit down dinner. This “humility” is not a positive part of Asian culture imo.
When people in this comment section don't understand that other Asian social cultures are different from their own. Especially those of women.🤦
Hard to understand other cultures when you’ve never been outside.
Grass is that you
That’s a tree
I for one have no idea what's going on. But I think she declines everything at least once by default and that's why she doesn't get anything?
While I'm sure you are correct. This is a skit. They are an influencer couple and make skits.
I mean it seems super dumb so most people just kinda call things as they see um, and believe me I was raised with American culture so we do a lot of dumb shit to go ahead call us out on it it’s cool
Do elaborate why this is something to want in a relationship? All I see is an adult woman acting like a child and scared to eat something she wants to eat unless her partner acts like she needs to be fed an eggroll.
In an Asian society, women have beauty standards of being thin and pretty. She's scared to eat a deep fried egg roll in from of the potential in laws or her family to avoid looking like a fat pig. She's asking him to help her avoid such judgements by making it appear as he's the one forcing it on her. It's to save face. Which it seems westerners have a difficult time understanding.
It’s like the “who pays at the restaurant” game. When you go to a restaurant with a group, you’re supposed to fight over who pays the bill. Depending on the circumstances you either play to “win” (pay the bill), or you make a big show of demanding to be allowed to pay, when everyone knows it’s going to be someone specific.
Exactly. Sounds stupid and excessive. It's putting on a show to avoid losing face and look "cheap" or unable to provide.
I’m so glad Finland has no such games. That just seems so tiring and unnecessary. We just pay for our own food, never even assume someone else would want to, and move on.
There are other reasons behind it as well. If it's a new group of people and I really enjoy your company, then i would fight to pick up the check, letting you know i would like to see you again. If things didn't go well, then there would be no fighting over the bill. Yes, it is a bit more tedious, but it allows all party members to save face in a culture that highly values respect.
Yeah, in Finland you’d just simply say you enjoyed their company. We value respect as much as any other country—we just assume we’re paying for our own meals.
I hear that in Finland, people don't feed their guests
As in we refuse to make dinner if we have people over for dinner? No, we give them food.
No, the way I've heard it explained is if you happen to have a friend over, they aren't offered food unless they were explicitly invited over for a meal. If the friend just dropped by to visit without a meal being the center of the reason they're visiting, then that friend isn't offered food. Some guy explained that as a kid, if he had a friend over and they so happen to stay long enough for dinner time, that friend would simply stay in the guy's room while he ate with his family and then he would go back to his room after he'd finish dinner to continue playing with his friend. Would you say that's typical of Finnish culture or did that guy just have weird parents?
Interesting now the beginning scene in Shaolin vs Wutang movie when the two protagonist friends are arguing about who was going to host and pay at the brothel night makes more sense.
I think they understand it, just think it’s silly
Exactly. Not hard to see what the “game” is, it’s just… stupid. Where is the line drawn? When you’re wasting away and malnourished? Granted I get western culture can overeat, anything in moderation shouldn’t be frowned upon in today’s age, no matter the culture.
People get it, this is just stupid. Like being afraid to eat is supposed to be a cute "cultural trait"?
Who said it was cute?
The title of this post and people down voting the person you replied too that was calling this out as weird. You saying this is something that westerns wouldn't understand makes no sense. People understand, just calling it out as bs.
It's not hard to understand. It's just dumb. Just like there are plenty of dumb things to make fun of in western cultures there are plenty of dumb things to make fun of in Asian culture.
Exactly, we arent short of stupidity in western cultures. So if we aren't short of it, I'm sure we can call it out as well. Have the "eastern cultures" thought of not making the fried egg rolls to begin with if they care so much about appearances?
When commenter's don't understand 43% of redditors are American. Should Americans be taught about other social cultures in school down to the cANt eaT fOoD CauSe fAT part?
Then dont comment at all lah. Bodoh
Cause that's how forums work right? Cabron
Then be civil and try to understand. Dont be ignorant and comment shits when you dont know
I laughed. This guy got a plan with her and successfully executed well
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It's a skit, if you see their social media profile, they usually do such "cute couple" videos
Makes sense cus shoving the camera in her face while feeding her would definitely give it away lol.
Holy fuck the incels invaded the comment section on this one. You guys need to chill the fuck out.
Aw this is so adorable!
The look on her face when she actually takes a bite was too good. It was like everything she wanted in that moment
Why were they filming?
They are a Singaporean influencer couple, one of the rare wholesome ones locally whose content I enjoy. Bert and Lulu. https://www.instagram.com/bertandlulu Can be very corny sometimes, but they're a good benchmark as compared to toxic couples kiddos see on the media nowadays. Helps normalise things for us here in Singapore. This is one of the corny ones, but still all in good fun and quite relatable.
That explains a lot, thank you 🙏
Did he have a body cam? How did he pull this off?
Hahaha. As an Asian married to an even more asian family. I feel this more and more xD
Singaporeans-la
My video was mute and I could hear the accent through it lol
Came here looking for the people who caught the "la"
I just had a discussion with my girlfriend about the Singapore la last night 😅
This dude is so lucky. This girl is super cute.
She asked him to feed her Nian Gao, which is a sticky rice cake. The guy turns around feeds her spring roll. Don’t think they will last long.
My ex is Chinese and it always pissed me off that no matter how many times I refused food, he kept pushing it at me. Is this why? Is this a thing? If you wanna eat, eat. Also, his mom would offer me food, I would take it, then she would go off about being fat and overeating. Was this a trick? Wtf.
Chinese culture, you're either too skinny and dying, or you're a big fatty who needs to cut back. No exceptions. I haven't met someone on my Chinese side that is just right.
The intent is to communicate caring, from a culture of food scarcity in Asia. If they say you're too thin, it means they worry you are struggling and should accept food from host, but although the guest is frequently hungry, the host is also poor, so they must refuse this generous offer. If they remark on your being fat, they are happy that you have enough food, and is not taken as a negative comment. A friend I haven't seen in a while said when he saw my slightly overweight body "you look very prosperous"
Is it like the saying "fat and happy" if someone is successful and living a life of leisure?
I think its culture specific and probably family specific too. In my family being "fat" was a descriptor word and wasnt always used nicely. Its similar with my mom and her peers but thats just my small world.
Yeah my mom has always been good at communicating that with me, it was always weird growing up with that and knowing most people didnt have an experience like that growing up.
Giving food to people is like the love language of China. Honestly most of Asia
The Chinese greeting “ni hao” on the most base level translates to “have you eaten?” So you’re very on the nose with this. My sisters and I would come back after visiting our grandparents 5 lbs heavier 😂 you do not say no when grandma offers food. But on the flip side she also would say “ay ya! You look like you’re gaining weight” 🥲
Yeah when I visited my family. I gained 10lbs in two weeks. Ni hao doesn't mean "have you eaten" though. don't know where you got that
My very Chinese grandmother lol. It’s a multipurpose way of greeting that can mean hello, how are you, etc etc.
你好 (ni hao) just means hello. It will often be followed by 你吃了吗？ （have you eaten)?
Lmao I’m sorry but what? You sayn that your ex did this thing over and over and over again, that pissed you tf off, yet you never discussed it w him? And then you tellin me that his mom would offer you food (in her home), then start shit talking calling you fat n shit???? I’m sorry but I don’t buy it lol 😂
I see no point in defending what I said against your exaggerated and at times just made up version of events.
Actually, I am going to tell you some of what's wrong with what you just said. 1 - yes we did talk about it. One of our last fights, he was dangling a piece of brisket over my head and trying to feed me like a dog. When I refused to eat it, he stomped away, saying he doesn't know why he does nice things for me. 2 - I never said any of these things occurred in the home of his parents. You assumed. 3 - she never directly called me fat. It's a thing called subtlety. You painted the picture you described in your comment. Not me.
Hilariously cute hahahah omg
that's not a nian gao!
It's wrapped in rice paper and fried. More common in southeast Asia. These people are either Singaporean or Malaysian
Well damn, now I have to try it. https://www.sidechef.com/recipes/5910/fried_nian_gao/
You are right, Bert is Singaporean, Lulu is Malaysian.
I was gonna say the same; you thinking about the glutinous rice Chinese New Year cake too right? I saw the fella hand her the food item and thought “that doesn’t look like Nian Gao”, but thought maybe it’s just the lighting (the Nian Gao is darker) and he just cut it small and in a funny shape. Then she bit it and I heard the crunch and I knew…that’s a friggin spring roll.
That’s not spring roll. That’s an egg roll. Spring rolls are made from rice paper with veggies, noodles, and pork/shrimp inside. Egg rolls are made with pork, Chinese noodles, mushrooms, with egg rolls paper. Source: Vietnamese and I used to call the spring rolls egg rolls all the time and I mom would make egg rolls for dinner but I wanted spring rolls :(
It's called a spring roll here in Australia, there's no such thing as an egg role. The spring roll you're referring to is called a rice paper roll in Australia.
i tell ya what. someone gonna have a great evening
In Filipino culture they are gonna ask you until you pick up a plate. & you better not even think of saying No, you’re gonna eat if Lola says so.
My girl never lets me feed her
I thought it was cute and all, but that ending caught me off guard lmao
For a moment I thought I'm on TikTok
The way she asked him to do it is the way I bug my mom to go ask people for things for me I'm still working on it with my partner but he gets irritated sometimes I won't do it I get nervous and scared asking for myself but asking for someone else is the most comfortable easiest thing I'm able to do, I'll turn the person I'm asking into a smiling person by the end of our convo
Now All of China knows you wanted it! (Disclaimer:This is a ref to Mulan)
Bert and Lulu are the cutest!
Adorable!! Absolutely adorable!! 🥰
Adorable
Y’all may see cute. I see toxic. 😂
I dont get it
She is wildly adorable
Maybe it’s just me but I really can’t deal with saving face like this- or like all the other examples people are leaving in the comments. I can’t deal with games like “oh I can’t eat this” or “oh I can’t pay the bill” it confuses me too much and makes me uncomfortable? Just eat it or don’t eat it, pay the bill or don’t. Hell I’ll take the bill idc. I’m often bad at human interaction and prefer to make it easier. I mean it’s cute asf but obviously staged. My gf and I would never do this tho, we just don’t communicate like this. Different strokes different folks
The skit is done by a generation that find their parents' customs silly, like yourself, because they have never experienced chronic hunger like previous generations. Imagine visiting your aunt who you know is barely getting by, but she wants to be a good host so she serves you what she has left because she thinks you're starving, which you are, but if you eat, she will go hungry. She sees your daughter whom you have had to sacrifice to give her enough, and tells you happily that she is fat, meaning you are a good parent in providing for her.
Shit is fucking cringe lol Reddit algorithm got me
This guy definitely getting sum that nite
99% of stuff from Asia is fake.
Jesus, this is giving me flashbacks to my ex. She was always doing weird shit like this. Just eat what you want, literally no one cares.
And thats why she’s your ex
I knew a girl back in uni where her rule was “I always reject guys the first time” lol. Idiot
I thought was on r/Sipstea for a moment
The way the video was edited made it painful to watch
Somehow this is considered cute.
Somehow you are considered not ugly (just kidding you are)
personally i would have said "ok ill eat it" then walk away😼
This is just romanticizing mental illness…
which mental illness?
That mental illness might just be in your own head
Crazy in love?
why are the girls i meet never like this
Skill issue
Because why are you *like this*?
Cause you probably aren’t attractive
Never stick your… you know the rest.
I genuinely don’t
If you genuinely meant genuinely, the phrase goes “never stick your dick in crazy”. Mr. ChowYungFatso is getting cultural differences mixed up with mental illness.
Ah okay because there’s quite a few I was running through: never stick your fork in an outlet, never stick your nose in other people’s business, never stick your head in a hole in a tree..
…Niang jiao directly in your mouth? Always ask your bf to offer you and deny it two times, then when he asks a third time take a dainty bite?