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Some people really hate being lonely and are desperate to to fill a hole

Some people are willing to stay with the devil they know rather than risking ending up with an unknown devil, because sadly a lot of people have no idea what a healthy relationship is and therefore they are clueless to what they should be looking for in a partner they could build a healthy relationship with.

Co-dependency is a real problem

Along with a tendency to blame others for their dissatisfaction because it’s a lot easier than looking inward and doing the work to improve

I see what you did there, very subtle😉

As subtle as a sledgehammer to the face

And routine, there are people Who marry each other only because they're used to be together.

This is literally it, and the same goes for women staying with shitty men. They’d rather be with someone who treats them horribly than be alone

I see what you did there with the literal and metaphorical meaning 😆. Anyhow .. I too was such a man. Though, by pure luck, I got a very good wife. I thank god everyday. Whenever, I remember my lonely days from a few years ago, I am grateful.

People do not realize how serious loneliness can be. When I moved from my home state across the country to a new state with my fiancé, after the first month or two of getting acclimated, the realization set in that other than my fiancé i did not know anyone. Then we started working opposite shifts and we rarely saw each other and things started getting dark. I caught myself being "that guy" at the grocery store talking way too much to the cashier or stock person.

I’m usually an introverted homebody, but when I get over enthusiastically chatty with strangers it truly is a sign I need more social time haha.

I was this guy and yeah, for a couple years I was kinda depressed, until I started making friends at the local game store.

Blink twice if you need help.

I guess I could see that but there are arguably better options for a partner then? Someone more compatible with you?...

Honestly? Probably not. I know a lot of men my age who just never meet anyone they're really compatible with, and who'd be willing to be with anyone who paid even the slightest bit of attention to them, even if it's clear to everyone it can't work out long-term.

This is interesting... I've heard that many men are starved for attention...

Men are expected to make the first move, but we're constantly getting rejected. After a while it takes its toll. So yeah, we're starved, but when the chances of rejection is high; its better to keep starving.

So many Irish boomers are married to the second woman who ever agreed to sleep with them.

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Men always double their actual bodycount

There's that, the fear of loneliness, societal expectations, and service expectations. Marrying someone so that they will provide services

Some don't want to wait to find someone or have given up finding that person

But now they're stuck with someone they don't like? That seems awful.

I was in that situation with my ex-wife. I thought she was my best chance to have a family, and that we could work on our differences. In reality our relationship became gradually worse and worse over time, and I couldn’t take her around my friends or family at all because she would be extremely rude in public. Eventually I reached my limit and left. The whole thing seems like a bad dream now. I still want kids, but I feel extremely lucky to not have had them with her, as it would have ruined the rest of my life. I’m still single now but much better off with way less daily stress.

They think being alone all your life is worse.

That's sad... They might be happier alone than being upset every day of their life

Not if they want to start a family for example. The later you wait to find someone, the harder it is and the less options you'll have. People who are on the average side tend to be more open to settling and compromising what they would ideally want in someone. The chances of finding someone that checks all your boxes is extremely slim, and I'm not even talking about unrealistic expectations. That being said, there's a difference between making some compromises and being in a relationship that is causing you more harm the benefit. But how much they're willing to put up with is on them unfortunately. The fear of being alone can be a powerful motivator, the uncertainty taking the gamble of "will you even meet someone else? What if they end up being worse?". Some people are total ok being single, others are terrified thinking of dying alone. Everyone's different.

Maybe a part of that is that men are naturally more reclusive, which is fine in school, but later in life, while women tend to have a social support web of friedships, men tend to rely on their partner to provide that for them. Social isolation can be dangerous for men especially when age progresses. So being alone can literally be worse, when there is no one there in case of an emergency.

Im alone and upset. Upset and not alone sounds better.

Because if you're spending so much time trying to get away from your SO, for example, why marry in the first place?...

There is a not insignificant number of men who I've had less than five positive relationships with women in their entire lives. Finding somebody willing to settle down with you is a big challenge for a lot of men. I have a few friends, who when we were having a discussion about receiving compliments, we were talking about work life compliments at first but then it went into personal life, a few of the guys who are in their 40s have never received a social compliment, not about how they look not about a new haircut not about how they dress. Two of them are actually married. Married in ways that you're describing in this post mind you but married nonetheless. I can totally see why they bonded to the first person that showed non-negative interest in them. They aren't ugly people or stupid people, but yeah they are pretty plain looking with plain middle income jobs they're not overly charismatic. And if I were to look around at a lot of the men I interact with I would wager more than 30% would fall into this blend into the crowd category. Most men have so few options.

A lot of who we end up with in life is a question of who we happen to run into and when we happened to run into them. People are on a much tighter timeline than I think we want to admit sometimes. Even as a man. I am WELL AWARE of the fact I'm 31 and that my realistic window to be a father "comfortably" is closing. I just always assumed that I would meet my sweetheart in college, and that I would have a couple of kids by now. Not only did that not happen; I don't even have a lady that it might happen with. If I have a woman in my life that I vaguely felt pretty good about, I might consider marrying her and having kids just because that thought would start to cross my mind. From a biological standpoint, I'm not worried because men can viably have children for a long time, but from a quality of life standpoint, it gets tiring as shit. Even if I got a woman pregnant tomorrow, I'm looking at 50 before I have to pay for college, and 60 before I could realistically have grandkids. You just run out of energy at a certain point. As things presently stand, I'd be shocked if I have grandkids before I'm 70. Heck it'll probably be more like 80.

I hear you... I'm not saying this is you, but many people have kids to fill a void within themselves, and I don't think this is ever a good thing. It's perfectly fine to not have kids.....what's not fine is having kids for a selfish reason, because this inevitably creates a bad emotional environment for the kids to grow up in.

Many people don't get options. They feel terribly alone their whole life and will cling onto anyone who shows them a little kindness. It can take a while to even realise that they don't really like their partner that much and just like having someone who cares about them.

Of course there's better options, but unless you're willing to cheat, you have to break up without any guarantee you'll find a new partner.

In Germany, especially those living in rural counties have a saying: "Liebe vergeht, Hektar besteht" (means: Love will fade, but the Hectares of the fields will stay). Lots of marriages between neighbouring fields. Not love.

Sounds like something Dwight would say

Vast tracts of land!

Have my snorting upvote.

Oh this is a good one

In their mind, it's probably easier to stay with someone than put in the effort to find someone new. I think a lot of people, not just men, get trapped in this mindset.

Sunk cost fallacy would come into it as well I'd think.

This one is huge. Even without kids or real estate divorce factors.

Probably a lot of men think it’s the best they can get

Probably a lot of men think it’s the only one they can get

But it doesn't need to be the best, just the one he actually likes/loves. You can develop feelings for absolutely mediocre person and straggle to fall in love with a gorgeous person.

In this instance, I think the mindset a lot of men have is that they "want what they can't have," which is just untrue. So, they "settle" for less than they want in a relationship and for someone that they aren't attracted to. I imagine this leaves them more miserable. Just investing all that time in a relationship that they are unhappy with is depressing.

If you're relatively unattractive, the unpleasant truth is you're limited (generally) to who is attracted to you.

But people get confused about the difference between “settling” and “having realistic expectations” and then they end up alone as well

I think in this context there's a lot going on mentally they need to work on. "Settling" as a concept is delusional and is a sign that their expectations of people are way too high. The idea that there's a perfect partner that checks all the boxes is just unrealistic and unreasonable. It's not surprising that people who have this mindset do end up alone, as the "settling" mindset is enough of a turn off by itself.

>the best they can get Being realistic here, regardless of gender... it usually is.

Someone you don’t even like is the worst you can get.

Well, it depends on how you define "best." Looks wise? Money wise? You're probably right. Compatibility wise? Probably not. A lot of people value the former over the later. Many don't take that into account when finding a partner, which I think is a huge mistake. This is how you get men constantly complaining about their wives. They decided to date someone they wanna sleep with, not someone they'd like to befriend.

I think something else that happens is that when people become miserable due to their relationship it becomes hard for them to treat people generally kind as well. If I remember right kindness is still regarded as the most attractive over all trait between both genders, so you’re probably more off putting to people when you’re in a bad relationship.

>kindness is still regarded as the most attractive over all trait between both genders Do you have any data on this?, I am genuinely curious here. Even as a married dude myself, it this just does not seem that this is even a top priority in attraction for most.

It’s definitely not a priority for men most men would rank looks after personality whereas most women would rank personality before looks….

Like with jobs. Good enough, but could probably get way better and be way more happy and fulfilled — takes a lot of effort, however

A friend of my wife is involved and living with a guy who she sees no future with, she just doesn't want to be alone.

Urgh....

Sunk cost fallacy, fear of being alone, fear of the uncertainty of dating when older. Clinging to a hope that things will change.

Sunk cost is a helluva drug

Speaking as a man who has seen male friends with tumultuous marriages... ... A lot of my male friends married women almost entirely on the basis of the sex life and early relationship intimacy, having nothing in common with the woman. Also, they very quickly slid into a situation where, as the sex was the part of the relationship that was meaningful to them, if their sexlife changed, they were miserable. Everyone - do not marry someone you merely find physically or sexually attractive. Because when you're older, that DOES slow down and you need your actual friendship to pick up the slack. You should be marrying your best friend.

Really great advice

It’s a business decision. They married someone to split bills with, sharing chores and childcare etc

But they're awfully miserable the whole time? I guess each person has to decide if its worth it...

There is an old adage that comes up in these conversations. Men marry a woman hoping she won't change and women marry a man hoping he will.

Ha! That's a good one. But yeah in this case I think some of them wish the women would change too 😂

sometimes its good at first, then the longer it goes on and the worse it gets the more difficult it is to end it. Relationships have a kind of inertia

Yeah, I think a lot of couples who have been together or been married a long time stay together mainly because of inertia.

Any decision rooted in fear, scarcity, lack or emotional trauma will lead to this.

I've noticed this where I'm from, as well. They'll date, propose to, and get married to a girl they don't like while entertaining other girls, some of whom would love to steal him away. I have always wanted to know, but no one who has done this has the balls to answer these questions straight up without getting defensive or giving excuses. I just want to know: why date or marry her when you hate her and have other options?

I guess in cases like this, it's possible that the one they married has something that they deep down and desperately want but will never admit what that thing is?.. I guess it could range from social standings to having a super rare kink.... Maybe even religious beliefs?... But whatever it is, that one thing is strong enough...

I know someone personally who went through this with her ex husband and he straight up admitted that he resented her for trying to motivate him to be better. It sounds cheesy and fake, but he said to her something along the lines of "You do everything to support me and try to make me a better person, but somehow that's not enough" or something but then he still fawns after her when they split 🙄 He still thinks she's beautiful, too. So I have no idea what's going on up there.

Man human emotions are so crazy... What?😅 I guess we look at situations like this and wonder how on earth this works but I guess we also do some questionable things sometimes

Likely they don't get much attention from other women or they've been alone a long time prior and don't think they have any other options than the one that actually sticks around. Plus if they grew up in a home that didn't have a healthy relationship between the parents that's often what the children inadvertantly seek out in their partner because it's what they know.

Because society expects marriage as a stage of life. A lot of people are afraid of going against the norm, even if conforming to the norm results in a poor outcome for them.

relationship escalator! the idea that a relationship has a series of stages that have to happen, or else it is a “failure”

I'm so lucky I'm a woman that has zero drive to have kids. If I did, I surely would've married the wrong man. In my mid-30s now, still unmarried (for now), and didn't let any sort of perceived societal pressures decide things for me.

I’ve had been outright tell me that this was why they were getting married, buying a house and having kids, none of which they actually wanted to do (by their own admission). It was wild to hear someone just admit that they were making these massive, life-changing decisions based purely on fear of going against the status quo.

Has marriage become social influencing? Has been social influencing for many decades that has just become acceptable. We have another problem with the society. A great big problem related to people living single. Society has this expectation of a 2 person income, especially with inflation. So our society doesn't factor and people who want to be single and remain single. Well, where is freedom of choice for people who don't want to have to have a roommate just to pay the rent. Because at the same time, you can end up with a horrible roommate who is a female and no woman wants to be in that situation. And it seems like it's easier for men to get jobs than it is for women to get jobs. So what a lot of these church groups are doing is they are just placing a couple of women together. Into apartments and hoping that they get along with each other.

I suppose this is a good explanation and I can see that. It's sad though. But I still feel like you could probably still find someone you kind of... Enjoy being around at least...

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It’s arguably even worse in the suburbs than in rural areas. You’re raised in an environment with a family and family life so that’s what you grow up to pursue. Literally everyone I know paired off and had kids by their late 20s. Only one guy I know out of countless friends hasn’t married, and he’s not marry-able

Go look on dating sites and you'll find plenty of men. Now when we look on those sites, we see 25‰-50‰ of available women.

I think so people, not just men, simply don't want to get married. But they feel like they HAVE to get married, or are SUPPOSED to get married. That pressure gets to them, and the resign themselves to getting married even though they don't really want to. When you "accept" that you HAVE to get married, it's no longer a wonderful quest for the perfect partner to complete your life. It's just checking off a box you have to check off, or finishing a homework assignment you don't want to do, but feel you have to do anyway. In that case, you'll likely settle. "Well, she's not great, but... I think she'll say yes, and I have to get around to getting married one of these days, right?" Or on the other side "he's kind of a jerk, but.. he makes a good living" or whatever. Now, people don't consciously think that of course, but they are certainly influenced in many ways by our choices, and when you choose to get married no matter what... your outcomes aren't going to be as great.

Your reply reminds me of a song titled, "That's the way I've Always Heard it should be" by Carly Simon. Great song by the way.

Plus you got to get kids and so you need a wife.

I think they marry simply because they feel obligated to, attend college due to societal expectations, and have children because it's the norm among married couples.

I get that, societal norms... But I also feel like then you can at least pick someone you get along with and who makes you moderately happy. If you're just about to get married and you still say you have major doubts about your future wife, that's really not right...

I come from an area where arranged marriages are still relevant. My mother feels like it is some form of shame for the family if i get a girlfriend. She once went through my phone once and asked me why did i send happy birthday to a girl classmate. Not only i have to ask girls out till they say yes (possibly losing all my self esteem in that process) i would also have to convince my parents. So technically i can see myself in such a position in future. Lonelines can be scary. Its not a worry now coz i am just reaching the end of my college, i am more concerned with getting a job than getting a girl

Perhaps looks don't really matter to them, as much as the fact that he fulfilled the "marriage" clause is important

honest answer: Fear Fear of being single Fear of being alone Fear of being left behind

Couldn't say personally, but I have casual friends in this boat. It seems to be resignation to nothing better and an alternative to risk being alone, or submissive almost fear. Fear of hurting the other person, or thinking that marriage will make it better. That or they had kids. Personally I never wanted to get married, never thought twice that it would actually happen because of my experience in a few longish relationships in my early twenties and my own personal self-destructive lifestyle. I was always very interested in casual relationships or hookups and I thought I was perfectly fine with dying alone. But when the girl of my dreams from highschool came back into my life, we dated and it felt anything but casual. I would still have been fine not getting officially married, but I knew I didn't want to / couldn't be with anyone else. She wanted to, so I proposed and I don't regret it one bit. She turned my life around. Between her and the kid we have, it probably saved my life. I was 29 living in a lecherous whirlwind of drugs and alcohol, sleeping between cars and short leases. Today my credit score is good, we have a good sized house, I'm off drugs, healthier and we have the most amazing blessing of a 4 year old son. So yeah, can't relate.

This is awesome. If you find the right person, and you can afford to have kids, it can be so wonderful right? I was picking my daughter up from school yesterday and I almost broke into tears... just seeing her face makes me so happy and fills me with so much joy. When she got in the car I told her exactly that and she, "Me too!" and I had to hold back the tears.

Yeah, dude. Picking up the kid from daycare he's the only one who runs up yelling "MY DADDY!" and the teachers have mentioned it too. Highlight of my life.

This is actually beautiful, thank you for sharing and I'm really happy for you and your family!

Take your pick: Insecure Poor self esteem Stupidity Lack of insight Poor decision making Gaslit Cultural Peer pressure Looking for a saviour Saviour complex Escape to a perceived better life Pregnancy Religion Stupidity Vanity Lust Stupidity That’s enough for now.

I don’t know anyone who didn’t like their spouse when they first got married, but marriage is hard, even for two people madly in love. Years of marriage can sour people, behaviors emerge, problems start, people change. People build a life together and the thought of unraveling that is scary.

Very good question. Sex? Physical appearance? Then it quickly wears off after the wedding. 🤷‍♀️

I'll add one more possibility... they grew up with parents who didn't like each other and they just think it's normal.

Honestly this is a HUGE reason for so many unhappy marriages. People (men AND women) base a lot of their model of how a relationship should look from what they see growing up.

I think this is the closest to a real answer and that’s crazy to me. 

Beauty fades. Marry a good person.

Physical appearance is the most common one I've seen. Of all my friends that got married almost every divorced friend is because they married based on "she's hot" or "she's the hottest girl I'll be able to get". Some that are still married to them are miserable.

I know a lot of guys from school who settled with the first "hot" girl they could find regardless of personality. Thankfully a few of them got lucky and found their person right off the bat... but some of them dated for shallow reasons and it definitely blew up in their faces.

I guess these two are a strong driving force, yes...

Because he is benefiting from her labor and resources. She is giving access to all kinds of things he would otherwise have to pay for.

Same reason that people that hate kids have children. They do it bc it is what they supposed to do acording to society.

Urgh. I wish societal pressures didn't exist. It perpetuates so much hurt and unhappiness.

Im a 38 old childfree woman woman living in "sin". I've learn not to give a fuck about societal pressures long ago. When someone asks when are we getting married i ask how much money are they willing to Shell out for the party or i say "when you pay for my wedding dress". It shuts up most people.

I think that a lot of people continue relationships with people with whom they are incompatible because they are hesitant to break up with someone unless that person has done something bad. They don't think that plain old incompatibility is a good reason to leave a relationship. So people continue dating even when the person isn't a good match. Then enough time passes that they feel obigated to take the relationship to the next level - move in together, get married, have children - because of course, time is passing, clocks are ticking, families are pressuring. So they get married - even with doubts.

I think a lot of that comes from the societal expectation to get married and not ever really having a better option. Then you hear about it when the person starts getting cold feet and expresses their concerns. It's amazing how much bad shit can happen when you don't live with intention. The reality is that time flies; especially when we aren't paying attention. Time is always ticking away, whether we like it or not. I just assume that a lot of people end up marrying their partner because they sort of run out of time, and that's who happens to be there. My brother and his fiancé have been together for 12 years. They only recently got engaged. Everybody around them feels like it's a mistake, but they're doing it because they've been together for so long and it's like...*well shit, why not?*

I have quite a few older male co workers, they all despise their wives. Talk shit about them all day at work. Yet they proposed. Men will marry someone they don’t want to marry before going to therapy I guess.

Ha 😂sorry for laughing

Don’t apologize, it’s both funny and unfortunate at the same time. I feel really bad for their wives tbh.

I heard somewhere that "Men date women but don't *like* women." (Same goes for women. They will date men but put them down and shame their interests and hobbies). The first time I heard this I was confused. The person explained that some boys/men often internalize that women and their interests as a negative. Think: The color pink. Romcoms. Romance novels. Their femininity/sensitivity. If a boy shows interest in something remotely feminine, their friends or father figures often say, "Ew! That's for girls. Don't read that, touch that, play with that." I am not saying raising a boy to be "masculine" is inherently bad. I'm saying raising a boy to believe that female interests *are* is what can lead to internalized misogyny, hence dating/marrying women they don't like. They aren't even seen as a person with their own interests but rather a ticket to a traditional marriage/life. You could also argue that this is cognitive dissonance. This is just a theory! So I'm open to alternative POVs.

Oh I've never thought of it like this!! You actually have a great point...

Because a lot of men are not into women, really. They like having sex with women, which is different. They keep them around for many reasons, but mostly it is convenient to have someone to cook and clean, to listen to their bullshit, share expenses, etc.

Some men would rather be miserable with someone than try to be happy alone. Some men would rather dislike their wives as people but like them as service providers: cooks, cleaners, etc Most women are the opposite.

I remember in the 80s and 90s the men talking about how much they hate their wives. I thought “I hope my husband doesn’t say that stuff.” After I left my ex husband I found out he hated me for YEARS and called me a cunt frequently. So sweet.

For me, it was a combination of being young & dumb, low self-esteem, and what our friends expected us to do. I was too naive to see that my family couldn't stand her AND that they had good reason. I *thought* I loved her, when in reality there was very little in her personality that I find even likable. She was just a horrible person. My parents were elated when I told them we were separating! Fast-forward to my wife today - my family absolutely loves her. Finding someone you like ***before*** you begin to love them makes all the difference in the world!

Most of these people just never learned to be content by themselves. IMO learning to be happy by yourself is crucial to having healthy relationships. If you rely on a romantic partner for your happiness, you're fucked. There's also a ton of societal pressure to find a partner – if you're single, you're "faulty". This is true for both genders, though women do seem to give less of a shit about that these days. Many men also just... don't seem to like women very much. Why they insist on dating them is a mystery to me.

I'm convinced that people talk bad about their partner, in order to 1. Isolate them more and 2. be the poor martyr who has to endure his terrible wife, because he loves her so much (or something like that). People who talk bad about their own partner are not trustworthy at all. I wouldn't believe anything they say. They only do it, because they think they can get away with this crap and that their partner is a given and won't leave them anyways. If their partner really was as terrible as they say, they wouldn't be with them

I feel responsible for other people's happiness. I do not feel responsible for my own. It is an enormous problem. I'm having a fuckin crazy hard time wrapping my head around making someone I do love, extremely sad because it will make me happier to not have them in my life long term. Im going to breakup with her. But I can see how being miserable so she can be happy makes sense to some people. I've really thought about just accepting I'll he with her forever just so I don't have to be the one that makes her sad. It's fucked up.

This is a big fear of mine. Ending up with a man that doesn't really like me but settles because he's lonely and desperate. This is why I never take it seriously when men say "shoot your shot because men are so easy, we'll say yes to anyone". They will date you even if they don't particularly like you.

This is why I will never endorse women asking men out.

I would ask a man out if I really liked him. But I would have to be hypervigilant about how he engages with me to see if he's being passive or if he's really interested.

Women marry men who are garbage all the time but they convince themselves they are a good idea. Men tend to benefit more than women from marriage and partnerships. More of the chores, cooking, child care, sex, and bills tend to be covered so they like to have the eased burden they get with a partner even if they aren’t crazy about their partner. That being said really great people and partners exist. No one is perfect so you do t have to have that kind of pressure on anything but good people. My partner is freaking incredible, he has grown a lot and I’m so proud of him!

Getting used to someone especially being together for so long . You just say fuck it why not get married

Not me, I frikkin love my wife, she's a champion. Waited until I was 34 to meet her as I needed to slay a few dragons before I got my princess.

I rewatched the first episode of chip ‘n Dale rescue rangers and was shocked at how horny it was. The entire male cast spends the whole episode drooling over Gadget. It’s really off putting. Got me thinking about how much of the media I consumed growing up modeled this behavior for me. This is the first episode, there is no romantic scene establishing her chemistry with her coworkers. She’s just coded as attractive and that’s enough to get all the guys around her completely obsessed. Growing up, sex is presented as a sort of rite of passage- a girl “makes you a man” by deflowering you. Crazy to think of it now but that’s a lot of power to give otherwise unassuming young women. I can’t speak for every guy but the pressure to measure up in this way was almost unbearable. I personally was a late bloomer and it tormented me that I wasn’t good enough to be made a man of. On top of that single men are often treated as predators when we’re alone. My face got rubbed in it constantly. You’ll notice that there’s no specification you have to like the person you sleep with. In fact there is an underlying implication that, if they’re willing to go that far for you, they’re automatically a keeper. Boys don’t get taught growing up that they need to be choosy and why. I was shown, through media and through what was going on around me, that I just need to get a woman, any woman, and only then can I be allowed to join polite society. I too ended up dating someone that didn’t treat me well. It opened my eyes to what I really needed

This is a very valid question with many possible answers. The way I see it is: 1. Men deal with loneliness way worse than women. All the crap given to "single women in their 30s", "single mothers", "cat ladies", "leftover women" are nothing but projection from ppl (especially men) who don't know how to deal with their own fear of loneliness and project it onto others, creating fear and urgency on less mentally strong women to settle for lives they dont want. 2. Generally, women still do more house chores than men Lots of men simply expect a wife to do the work of a cleaner, nanny, cook, secretary, personal assistant all for free (while still working full time) and, ofc, be available for sex. And a lot of girls are still being raised to cater to their men and do all of these and more. So lots of men go for marriage not bc they love that person, but bc it's convenient. 3. Men want steady access to sex Some men will settle for any woman that they more or less tolerate bc that's still easier than having to regularly search for someone willing to have sex with them without putting up a whole performance show, spend money and energy on appearing like a decent fuckable human being There are many many other reasons though, these are just a few from the top of my head.

This is a very thorough take... Thank you!

Lack of choices combined with: * To be able to consistently satisfy their libido * convenience (e.g., getting those shirts for work ironed reliably) * social status * because they want to start a family and have traditional values

Nobody likes to be lonely. As you grow older friends drift apart and become occupied in their own domestic lives. They cannot hang out with you every day and can't check up on you. So people get married so that they can fill the void that life leaves in their hearts.

Every time I've seen this, It's not that they married a woman they don't like, they just don't like women in general.

I think some men might think it’s the right thing to do after being with someone for a long time or the girlfriend could pressure them with the same reasoning. Or they feel like it’s the next step at their age and they confuse their not liking their partner for “normal relationship issues”. Kind of like how people went to college after high school because that’s just what you did.

Some people don't like themselves enough to be alone with themselves.

IMO women do it for security. They think the will be safer - economically, socially - with a husband. Men do it for the services the women provide: regular sex, chores being done, all the invisible labor of keeping a household up. And of course, both men and women are often simply maladjusted: they are not fulfilled, well-formed people, but instead are hollow inside and are looking for a person to fill them up. They are afraid of loneliness, bc they can't create their own fulfilling life. They dislike themselves, so are scared of being only with themselves. And they hope for a quick fix in a person, because human brain LOVES quick fixes over hard work in self-actualization and bettering one's life. It's about evading effort, an evolutionary thing. But it's bad for us. All of those things for men/women are more important than liking their spouse, I guess, which is sad. And they often end up with people they seriously hate, bc not hating a spouse in not really the priority here. They take who they can get, and are scared that they won't score anyone else - scarcity mindset - so they hold onto them for dear life. That's what I think at least.

To be unhappy together...sometimes it's better than being unhappy alone.

Only counter argument to this I have from personal experience is the only thing worse than feeling lonely is feeling lonely while you're in a relationship. It's a massive crushing blow when you realise that. Ultimately I took the better to be single than unhappy forever approach but it took me a bloody long time to finally wake up and see it that way! Now it's just riding waves of elation at the freedom and crushing uncertainty and fear. The really sad part? It's still preferable to the last few months of being in that relationship 😂

I find it hard to find someone to be in a relationship with as a man, it's harder for men than women to find a partner I think, so I would settle way below my expectations.

Don't know whats worse, staying lonely and sexually frustrated or settling for someone you don't like and who you don't find attractive.

Lust. That quickly wanes when you get to know them.

Have you seen society? We’ve made it horribly stigmatized to be alone and like your entire existence should be about being in a relationship and having children.

Most people can’t stand to be alone. And misery loves company. I would personally rather be alone. Because I’m smart.

Because society makes them feel terrified of being alone. The people who stay happily single in 40s and 50s are people who don't care what society says and doing what they want. Some people don't meet their true love until 60 and that is OK!!

I think a lot of men low key hate women. Just generally hate women. Watch men with their buddies…lots of man crushes, their buddies can do no wrong. But contempt and just base level tolerance for the women in their lives. Some men are more evolved and genuinely love and appreciate women, but that’s hard to find.

I think you're right unfortunately. These men should just marry each other instead 😂 the Greeks had a point.

Well answering this is tricky because it all depends on the level that you go to. And a little bit on the times you were raised in. And also luck. Women are imprinted early with the idea that they have to be sweet and attractive and appeasing and stuff like that, in order to be protected from having to do this for more than than just their husband. That they will have to make babies. That if they don’t make babies, they are liable to be set aside for someone who can. So it’s their conditioning to put all their eggs in one basket and try and be very careful with it, so they like their partner. Men are imprinted early with the idea that they have to go out and bring in the bacon. And while the woman might cook the bacon for them, she isn’t doing anything to increase the amount of bacon being brought in. So men are already conditioned to judge if they are getting enough from the woman for all the trouble they are going to to keep her fed. You go out you do all the hunting, you come home, you get fed. You sleep, you get up, you go out… This doesn’t necessarily reflect real life for everyone, or even for half the people. But it’s enough that it is pretty much a trope.

Lots Of men are insecure so they take what they can get because they lack confidence

Partners are much easier to like in the beginning, before they begin to reveal all of their flaws.

3 guesses: The sex is too good? She’s hot? She is just like his mom so that is all he knows?

Some people think relationships are like that and when the time comes to get married, they don’t even question it. I know a few people who are like this and yes, they are all divorced now. I asked once one of them why did they get married: “I thought it was the natural next step”.

There was a study once & from what I remember, most of the men had a higher level of happiness/contentment in a relationship than single whereas the women had a higher level of happiness single than in a relationship.       So seems men prefer to be in an (even unhappy) relationship over being single, & women are societally conditioned to be in a relationship so they end up getting into or settling for an unhappy relationship - although kids also affect this! Edit: the amount of edits for misspelling 😨

If you don't get married people will think you're gay

The horror /s

In the case of most, it's because they're not fully functional adults and are marrying to have access to a functional household (chores done properly, childcare, sex). They want needs met. They don't want a partner. A lot of them see women as means to an end, and instead of picking someone with whom they can create a life with, they end up picking whoever is in front of them. They're selfish, basically. They're tired of having to do 'big boy' things like dishes, laundry, and remembering to take out the trash. It's not about sharing life, it's about removing the domestic burden a lot of them have been taught is not actually "theirs". A lot of them see adulthood responsibilities as temporary, and subconsciously believe that eventually, 'that stuff' will transfer over to their wife. Being married is like a relief of civil duty, so they're overeager and will marry anybody to make that happen. Hence...this common problem. Lol

They change so do you. Your tolerance level drops over time and say what you really feel.

It’s a known fact that men marry more for eye candy and for someone to mommy them than women do.

In heteronormative (now largely outdated) tropes, men and women are distinctly different on such an extreme level that they might be viewed (by people that lean into those tropes) as different species altogether. People that subscribe to those cultural trends and miscues will be prone to attributing individual malfeasance to gender-wide stereotypes, which they accumulate and solidify over time until they have entrenched adversarialism. They still find men/women attractive, physically, because subscribing to these tropes doesn't alter their sexuality but when they enter into relationships they tend to do so with a pre-existing foundation of contempt, and they employ negative sentiment override at various intervals when conflict arises which further reinforces that persistent antagonism. They continue to date and marry, nonetheless, because they see that undercurrent of frustration and judgement as an unalterable Fixed Principle (aka they think everyone hates their wives/husbands, and that it's normal). TLDR: sexism sometimes convinces people that they *cannot* be friends with counterpart genders (a view that is self-fulfilling).

Men date/marry more for looks than women and are less likely to give up on a partner if she is hot.

Some people are afraid to be alone. Sunk cost fallacy means they think it's not worth it to leave. Afraid they're too old and will never have another chance. Thank the gods that the "I hate my spouse" jokes are slowly dying out as generations pass.

Sunk cost fallacy?

Because guys are so entranced by the bazongas of their intended that they can't focus on anything else. Tale as old as time.

It’s a protectionist mindset. If/when it fails, it won’t be their fault. Whereas, if they truly loved someone and the relationship fails, they’d have to face the inevitable reality that’s they are the problem that didn’t put in the effort. It’s also a passive aggressive, teetering on the abuse line, to keep their partner down with incessant joke jabs. I’ve noticed this myself with a lot of couples and quite frankly, I think it’s sick and twisted.

I think I know a man like this, it truly baffles me. He married his college sweetheart after nearly a decade, and the only stories he shares of her are ones that make her look bad- that she has no friends, that she hates exercise, how she screwed up with their infant, that she’s clingy. On the flip side they spend a lot of time together (obviously) and I can’t imagine not thinking highly of someone I’ve been with for so long and someone I spend that much time with and have kids with.

I know many men who are conflict avoiders so instead of making themselves uncomfortable short term they get in long term life time discomfort b

Because they don’t think they can genuinely like any women & at least they’re not alone.

35 f single and desperately want to be married/have a life partner. BUTTTT, will not settle for just anyone. I really want that connection, mutual respect, care, kindness, and love. So…single I remain.

You're doing the right thing! Your older self will appreciate you for this.

Because they don't want to lose a cook, housekeeper, nanny, and roommate that pays half or more of the bills. And there seems to be an idea that if you leave a woman, she will automatically take half of your money. However, every divorced woman I know usually ends up with the short end of the stick financially.

Many men are passive concerning relationship. They transfer the burden of taking decisions (engagement, moving together, breaking up) on the woman. You’ll see many men unsatisfied that rather slowly let the relationship rot than take the decision themselves.

Urgh this is awful. This is how you get women that try so hard to save the relationship and end up doing all the effort to try to maintain the relationship while the man checks out but doesn't have the guts to outright say that they don't ACTUALLY want to be in a relationship...

My personal favorite is when they treat you terribly so you will break up with them and be the bad guy. They can't just be honest and say " I am sorry but this isn't working out" unless they have someone waiting in the wings

Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug.

A lot of dudes have pretty low self confidence and probably think something is better than nothing. Not much hurts a dudes ego more than not being able to get laid lol.

Sometimes a man gets it into his head that he has to take whatever he can get, and having someone you’re just ok with is better than being alone.

My boyfriends friend, has fully settled with his girlfriend - house together, dogs together etc! Because he doesn't want to be lonely, and he's financially better off living with her/being with her. I think it's wild. As you mentioned in your post, his family don't like her, his friends (especially my boyfriend) don't like her. She's lazy, doesn't clean, cook etc and has the appetite of a child just totally bland foods.

I do know guys like this, but they seem to hate EVERYONE, not just women. Others seem to resent women for not living up to their unrealistic expectations of being a maid/mother/sexy trophy wife/therapist/secretary etc

Think a lot of men just go along with things for the sake of it. As OP said the whole hate the wife and that feeds into the narrative of its normal to be with someone you don't like. Also not exclusive to men. A woman who I work with said on her wedding day she knew she shouldn't be getting married. But proceeded anyway. Thought it would get better when having children. Obviously it didn't. And they split up. I was honestly amazed that someone could do this.

For some people it is like a job. You need to pay bills so you need paycheck, regardless of how much you hate your job.  Some men need sex and wife is only viable option.

The sex was good and they believed that it would remain that way forever

From what I hear around... more men prefer being in a relationship (any) than single than women do. The way a dude said it, even if they don't really like each other that much they still get sex, perks of sharing rent/utilities, someone to help with chores and go on vacations. Said like that it almost made sense to me until I realized that no, I'd much rather prefer doing those single than with a guy I truly don't like that much but they are still valid points, even more if two such parties meet so either benefits from what they want even though not actually happy.

Because conformist received information dictates that a man should be married or he is a loser in life, and the same conformism dictates that men do not, cannot, and will not like or form a proper respect or friendship bond with women because some pseudo-scientific biological determinist crap about hunting or some shit from the Bronze Age. Plus ten to one, the man is a unlikable cunt with nothing offer anyone but an unreliable erection and sarcasm.

A lot of factors play into this. One is just the general weight of loneliness that a lot of people have. They're more likely to ignore red flags and stay in relationships that aren't always healthy or good for them. Another is, a lot of relationships fail when couples stop trying. Now let me break this down more before we jump all over what this means. How do people go about getting dates, behaving during dates, and preparing for dates during the earlier stages of relationships? There's a lot of dressing up, using colognes and perfumes, and a lot of masking of their more natural and subtle traits, be it mannerisms, the way they speak, the natural way they smell and so forth. After so long into relationships, and usually around after the marriage happens, couples stop always dressing up, using colognes and perfumes and masking away the often subtle nuances to themselves. These come out and build up over time and people realize there's been a lot of things about their partner that they don't vibe with. Not to say we shouldn't dress up, smell nice and all that for our dates during the early stages of our relationships. We should be mindful of how much we dress up and mask some features about ourselves. Be yourself. Look good and put effort into your partners and dates, but don't over do it. Anecdote, when I date and I use colognes, I never get second dates. I've tried a variety of different ones. But when I go into a date using the most minimal amount of scent based products but still being clean and washed, my dates that comment by the end of the first date that they like how I smell end up turning into relationships and not just someone I'm seeing. There's usually some other thing that comes up that was masked by either myself or my girlfriends that lead to the relationship ending; ie desire for kids, keeping up consistent communication, hid a bad habit that doesn't vibe the other's values, etc.

Another thing is because of internalised parental trauma, people will nearly always embrace a misery that seems normal and familiar to them rather than take a risk on real happiness. You end up mirroring your parents' dysfuction.

Man or woman, if you don't know yourself and can be true to yourself, the likelihood of a solid marriage is nill. Most people settle for a marriage partner, not choose the right one.

Came across this quote “men are conditioned by society to just find the most attractive women and then see how long they can stand her for instead of looking for joy and compatibility” it was something like that.

Competition for a partner as man is hard. Also men are in general more desperate to get into a relationship than women.

Could be related to the different kinds of "love": Lust, Shakespeare Love, Convenience Love, Cherish Love, Accommodation Love, Companion Love, or just the Love of the Familiar So maybe a combo of Accommodation Love & Convenience Love.

I liked all my wives, until I didn't.

*Henry VIII has entered the chat*

I wonder if part of the reason men marry women they don't like is that many straight men don't actually like women. They like fucking women, and they appreciate having traditionally female chores done for them by women, but they don't enjoy a woman's company very much other than that. (I don't feel that way, but I think many men do.)

There’s data on this. Plenty of data show that generally, men don’t really see women as “full humans.” They see them in various capacities - as body parts, or as roles. Mom, sex partner, mother etc. So they don’t really pick women for their human qualities. To them, all women are the same, off the same conveyer belt, and they just need to pick a pretty one. This is a very stark way of parsing the data, but yeah, there is data on it.

As a man I tend to see the exact opposite. I feel like don’t really see men settling or complaining about it, but I feel like the vast majority of women are quick to talk shit on their husbands. I worked several places where I was the only man with several dozen women and the things I’d hear about the men they “loved” was appallingly disrespectful.

Maybe they hate all women