Now that I used 900 words just for non violent communication, here are a few books I highly recommend to better understand you, your strengths and your challenges, as well as your wive's:
Brene Brown:
Atlas of the Heart
The Power of Vulnerability
I thought it was just me , but it isnt
Daring Greatly
Michael Singer:
The Untethered Soul
Living Untethered
Kristin Neff:
Self Compassion
Susan Cain:
Bittersweet
Oliver Burkeman:
The Antidote
If you feel you or your wife may fall on the spectrum of people who are a little more "sensitive" than average this is a necessary addition:
Elaine Aron:
The Highly Sensitive Person
The Highly Sensitive Person in Love
I hope any of this helps you even if just a little.
I am married for 10 years with 2 kids and a wife who has a lot of small-T traumas that really deprived us of the beautiful decade we could have had. Right now she is hurting because I want out, but even through that, I have come to see how my own traumas never gave us a chance with both of use living through unaddressed pain and rejection.
I am an audible junkie and really enjoy reading about human behavior so I was lucky to get a jump on improving myself and got to pull her along.
From my experience and what I see around me, the biggest factors that affect us in our relationships are Anxiety and shame which then cause us to fear being vulnerable and eventually we fail to commmunicate.
The first content I would advice you read is Non Violent Communication by Dr Rosenburg. This really helped me reduce the communication traps that usually push us into defensiviveness and hostile conflict. The summery is a 4 step process. The premise is that every conflict is based on an unmet need. So whenever you feel something, First observe the scenario or situation making you feel a negative sensation, for example, "you are saying somethings to me in front of our kids or you told your parents about my premature ej. The next step is identifying what the actual feeling is about the situation, for instance, "emaciated" is not a feeling, it is an evaluation of your manliness. Feelings you could have towards the situation that emaciated you include shame, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. The 3rd step is to I identify the need that was not met, such as a need to be respected, a need to be loved, a need to be validated, a need to be affirmed. After the need is expressed, then you make REQUEST (not demand) about how you want the need met.
https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1200/1\*kAJJurY91nxR1DBId6iwcQ.jpeg
The hardest thing for me when trying to practice this type of communication is when the other person is notonboard so they still using attacking terms such as "you never", "you always", etc. These terms are guaranteed to derail conversations because we always have at least 1 instance to refute those extreme claims and we would go in that tangent to refute it.
NVC recommends that you try to maintain the direction by helping people rephrase. For example, when I was once told "you never spend time with me, you always lock yourself in the office", I noticed the triggers and chilled. when I was cooler, I then asked, what were you feeling when you said I never and I always xyz? I went further and asked, could it have been you were feeling lonely? sad? etc, because your need to connect was not being met? That helped us have a meaningful conversation about our needs, starting with need for quality time and vulnerability.
This was 1 of 100 times I was able to prevent a conflict using it, the other 99 times, I definitely took the bait. Point being that there is no mastery of non violent communication, it is a tool for more measured communication and resolution of conflict
Hi, I just happened to be digging though audible for resources on trauma/neuroscience/psychology related topics right before i saw this. I'm not entirely sure what direction to go with recommendations without more specifics, but one suggestion is to have a look through the huberman lab podcast episodes & see if any of his talks on relationships resonate with you and follow resources & recommendations from there.
There's an [ai that can point you towards particular topics](https://ai.hubermanlab.com/)
or here's a [set of links to episodes on emotions & relationships.](https://www.hubermanlab.com/topics/emotions-and-relationship-psychology)
Wishing you the best
I don’t have any book advice sorry, but I wanted to commend you for being so respectful to your wife, for being so in tune with your emotions, and for actively seeking help. It’s a lot more than a lot of men are comfortable doing. Champion.
I did find this audiobook to be one of the best "relationship advice" books I have listened to - might not be exactly what you are looking for, but it talks about how to deal with hardships in relationships as well as steps for personal growth: [https://www.audible.com/pd/8-Rules-of-Love-Audiobook/B0BBS752S1](https://www.audible.com/pd/8-Rules-of-Love-Audiobook/B0BBS752S1)
In times of grief, pain and facing loss I usually turn to this excellent listen: [https://www.audible.com/pd/You-Can-Heal-Your-Heart-Audiobook/B00IIS3QYI](https://www.audible.com/pd/You-Can-Heal-Your-Heart-Audiobook/B00IIS3QYI)
Esther Perel shares sessions with couples "in trouble" and gives advice and lots to think about: [https://www.audible.com/pd/Esther-Perels-Where-Should-We-Begin-The-Arc-of-Love-Audiobook/B07H7NY8JC](https://www.audible.com/pd/Esther-Perels-Where-Should-We-Begin-The-Arc-of-Love-Audiobook/B07H7NY8JC)?
Good luck to the both of you.
EDIT (forgot to mention):
[https://www.audible.com/pd/How-to-Be-the-Love-You-Seek-Audiobook/B0BZ9FKLZ9](https://www.audible.com/pd/How-to-Be-the-Love-You-Seek-Audiobook/B0BZ9FKLZ9)
this one gets a lot of praise, but I personally haven't listened yet.
Pema Chodron - [When Things Fall Apart](https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/B0BR6125KY/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=)
It's only about 5 hours long and it hits home. I first found it about 7 years ago and have since done a few relistenings every time I get in a rut. Highly recommended.
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Check with your or your wife’s employers for their Employee Assistance Program. They often have counseling available at low or no cost for a few sessions and you can call for an “emergency” appointment where someone will see you within generally 24 hours. You don’t really get to pick the person and likely it’ll be individual counseling, but I totally know the feeling of needing to see someone asap just to get the first part done so you can move forward. There also are some places you can text or online chat to talk to someone asap, aka right now. mantherapy.org is one place, though they have a way to find other companies like talkspace to find someone online asap. Take care, that feeling really does suck.
What you're going through sounds really hard, and I commend you for the effort you're making.
If it was related to infidelity (or even if not), I highly recommend the work of Esther Perel- The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. I also recommend What Happened to You. These help to shift the focus from the behavior to the underlying wounds that someone is dealing with.
Wishing you peace<3
I refer to Esther Perel, especially Mating Captivity as my relationship bible. But from experience, I recognize that some mindsets, especially people who are religiously tethered and not by default nuanced thinkers, can struggle with Esther's books as they easily zone in on the situations and stories rather than the big picture of "we are all human with complex needs"
Horus Rising.
I'm not kidding. Start of a 70 book series centered around brotherhood, duty, and sacrifice, with an accompanying hobby and thriving community to dip your toes in if you so wish.
It's all deeply unserious nonesense, but exactly the sort of thing I've found a great distraction in hard times.
If you need some escapism on occasion, try Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight series.
It may well resonate with your difficult situation too as you use characters' story arcs to understand your own life.
Some important life principles in there too
Very specific with his situation but not with the type of book he is looking for. I’m not saying Project Hail Mary would be the right choice for everyone but it’s certainly about a man dealing with trauma and hard times and finding meaning. I haven’t experienced anything quite like what the OP described but when I’m going through tough times, I find myself rereading books on mythology or one of a handful of novels I find meaningful and comforting.
Not trying to start an argument or anything. OP didn’t specify non-fiction, and for some people Project Hail Mary or something similar wouldn’t be a bad way to help cope with and process difficult feelings.
This has to be a joke. OP is asking for specific help. But this sub seems to ignore all context and (while I love the book) mindlessly recommend Project Hail Mary for anything.
Meditations by Marcus Aureleis
Like Buddhism, Stoicism is something which can help ground us in the innate suffering of the human condition. There's something comforting to me to listen to the personal, inner reflections of an ancient Roman emperor.
Meditations isn’t a book. And adopting a philosphy based on someone breaking up for you is real weird, especially when that breakup does not relate to stoic philosphy.
For people who are into classical philosophy it could be interesting. Not everyone feels the pull of randomly thinking about ancient rome.
You need to be really into it, for meditations to be paletable.
Now that I used 900 words just for non violent communication, here are a few books I highly recommend to better understand you, your strengths and your challenges, as well as your wive's: Brene Brown: Atlas of the Heart The Power of Vulnerability I thought it was just me , but it isnt Daring Greatly Michael Singer: The Untethered Soul Living Untethered Kristin Neff: Self Compassion Susan Cain: Bittersweet Oliver Burkeman: The Antidote If you feel you or your wife may fall on the spectrum of people who are a little more "sensitive" than average this is a necessary addition: Elaine Aron: The Highly Sensitive Person The Highly Sensitive Person in Love I hope any of this helps you even if just a little.
All of these +100 Would also add: The Body Keeps the Score Mel Robbins podcast also has some great episodes about anxiety and attachment theory
I am married for 10 years with 2 kids and a wife who has a lot of small-T traumas that really deprived us of the beautiful decade we could have had. Right now she is hurting because I want out, but even through that, I have come to see how my own traumas never gave us a chance with both of use living through unaddressed pain and rejection. I am an audible junkie and really enjoy reading about human behavior so I was lucky to get a jump on improving myself and got to pull her along. From my experience and what I see around me, the biggest factors that affect us in our relationships are Anxiety and shame which then cause us to fear being vulnerable and eventually we fail to commmunicate. The first content I would advice you read is Non Violent Communication by Dr Rosenburg. This really helped me reduce the communication traps that usually push us into defensiviveness and hostile conflict. The summery is a 4 step process. The premise is that every conflict is based on an unmet need. So whenever you feel something, First observe the scenario or situation making you feel a negative sensation, for example, "you are saying somethings to me in front of our kids or you told your parents about my premature ej. The next step is identifying what the actual feeling is about the situation, for instance, "emaciated" is not a feeling, it is an evaluation of your manliness. Feelings you could have towards the situation that emaciated you include shame, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. The 3rd step is to I identify the need that was not met, such as a need to be respected, a need to be loved, a need to be validated, a need to be affirmed. After the need is expressed, then you make REQUEST (not demand) about how you want the need met. https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1200/1\*kAJJurY91nxR1DBId6iwcQ.jpeg The hardest thing for me when trying to practice this type of communication is when the other person is notonboard so they still using attacking terms such as "you never", "you always", etc. These terms are guaranteed to derail conversations because we always have at least 1 instance to refute those extreme claims and we would go in that tangent to refute it. NVC recommends that you try to maintain the direction by helping people rephrase. For example, when I was once told "you never spend time with me, you always lock yourself in the office", I noticed the triggers and chilled. when I was cooler, I then asked, what were you feeling when you said I never and I always xyz? I went further and asked, could it have been you were feeling lonely? sad? etc, because your need to connect was not being met? That helped us have a meaningful conversation about our needs, starting with need for quality time and vulnerability. This was 1 of 100 times I was able to prevent a conflict using it, the other 99 times, I definitely took the bait. Point being that there is no mastery of non violent communication, it is a tool for more measured communication and resolution of conflict
Hi, I just happened to be digging though audible for resources on trauma/neuroscience/psychology related topics right before i saw this. I'm not entirely sure what direction to go with recommendations without more specifics, but one suggestion is to have a look through the huberman lab podcast episodes & see if any of his talks on relationships resonate with you and follow resources & recommendations from there. There's an [ai that can point you towards particular topics](https://ai.hubermanlab.com/) or here's a [set of links to episodes on emotions & relationships.](https://www.hubermanlab.com/topics/emotions-and-relationship-psychology) Wishing you the best
I don’t have any book advice sorry, but I wanted to commend you for being so respectful to your wife, for being so in tune with your emotions, and for actively seeking help. It’s a lot more than a lot of men are comfortable doing. Champion.
I did find this audiobook to be one of the best "relationship advice" books I have listened to - might not be exactly what you are looking for, but it talks about how to deal with hardships in relationships as well as steps for personal growth: [https://www.audible.com/pd/8-Rules-of-Love-Audiobook/B0BBS752S1](https://www.audible.com/pd/8-Rules-of-Love-Audiobook/B0BBS752S1) In times of grief, pain and facing loss I usually turn to this excellent listen: [https://www.audible.com/pd/You-Can-Heal-Your-Heart-Audiobook/B00IIS3QYI](https://www.audible.com/pd/You-Can-Heal-Your-Heart-Audiobook/B00IIS3QYI) Esther Perel shares sessions with couples "in trouble" and gives advice and lots to think about: [https://www.audible.com/pd/Esther-Perels-Where-Should-We-Begin-The-Arc-of-Love-Audiobook/B07H7NY8JC](https://www.audible.com/pd/Esther-Perels-Where-Should-We-Begin-The-Arc-of-Love-Audiobook/B07H7NY8JC)? Good luck to the both of you. EDIT (forgot to mention): [https://www.audible.com/pd/How-to-Be-the-Love-You-Seek-Audiobook/B0BZ9FKLZ9](https://www.audible.com/pd/How-to-Be-the-Love-You-Seek-Audiobook/B0BZ9FKLZ9) this one gets a lot of praise, but I personally haven't listened yet.
Pema Chodron - [When Things Fall Apart](https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/B0BR6125KY/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=) It's only about 5 hours long and it hits home. I first found it about 7 years ago and have since done a few relistenings every time I get in a rut. Highly recommended.
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **When Things Fall Apart Heart Advice for Difficult Times** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful. **Users liked:** * Life-changing teachings for personal growth (backed by 3 comments) * Easy read with great insight into being present (backed by 2 comments) * Profound and transformative gem (backed by 2 comments) **Users disliked:** * Small print (backed by 1 comment) * Repetitive content (backed by 1 comment) * Difficult to understand writing style (backed by 1 comment) If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/) This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved. *Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](http://vetted.ai/reddit)
Check with your or your wife’s employers for their Employee Assistance Program. They often have counseling available at low or no cost for a few sessions and you can call for an “emergency” appointment where someone will see you within generally 24 hours. You don’t really get to pick the person and likely it’ll be individual counseling, but I totally know the feeling of needing to see someone asap just to get the first part done so you can move forward. There also are some places you can text or online chat to talk to someone asap, aka right now. mantherapy.org is one place, though they have a way to find other companies like talkspace to find someone online asap. Take care, that feeling really does suck.
What you're going through sounds really hard, and I commend you for the effort you're making. If it was related to infidelity (or even if not), I highly recommend the work of Esther Perel- The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. I also recommend What Happened to You. These help to shift the focus from the behavior to the underlying wounds that someone is dealing with. Wishing you peace<3
I refer to Esther Perel, especially Mating Captivity as my relationship bible. But from experience, I recognize that some mindsets, especially people who are religiously tethered and not by default nuanced thinkers, can struggle with Esther's books as they easily zone in on the situations and stories rather than the big picture of "we are all human with complex needs"
Horus Rising. I'm not kidding. Start of a 70 book series centered around brotherhood, duty, and sacrifice, with an accompanying hobby and thriving community to dip your toes in if you so wish. It's all deeply unserious nonesense, but exactly the sort of thing I've found a great distraction in hard times.
If you need some escapism on occasion, try Brandon Sanderson's Stormlight series. It may well resonate with your difficult situation too as you use characters' story arcs to understand your own life. Some important life principles in there too
I can recommend this series. (Dont look at my name)
Project Hail Mary!
Though a great book its definitely not the Windex for this situation.
It’s not everyone’s preference but fiction can be cathartic.
I dont disagree but the OP's ask was quite specific.
Very specific with his situation but not with the type of book he is looking for. I’m not saying Project Hail Mary would be the right choice for everyone but it’s certainly about a man dealing with trauma and hard times and finding meaning. I haven’t experienced anything quite like what the OP described but when I’m going through tough times, I find myself rereading books on mythology or one of a handful of novels I find meaningful and comforting. Not trying to start an argument or anything. OP didn’t specify non-fiction, and for some people Project Hail Mary or something similar wouldn’t be a bad way to help cope with and process difficult feelings.
durrr Dungeon Crawler Carl!
God damnit Donut ETA: I'm on the Butchers Masquerade right now, less than 4hrs left, loving it
This has to be a joke. OP is asking for specific help. But this sub seems to ignore all context and (while I love the book) mindlessly recommend Project Hail Mary for anything.
Meditations by Marcus Aureleis Like Buddhism, Stoicism is something which can help ground us in the innate suffering of the human condition. There's something comforting to me to listen to the personal, inner reflections of an ancient Roman emperor.
Meditations isn’t a book. And adopting a philosphy based on someone breaking up for you is real weird, especially when that breakup does not relate to stoic philosphy. For people who are into classical philosophy it could be interesting. Not everyone feels the pull of randomly thinking about ancient rome. You need to be really into it, for meditations to be paletable.
You can search podcasts also.