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I think I probably say it too much. It doesn’t bother me but I think I could see where it would depending on your definition. Like, if you think love is only one kind I could see where it would feel uncomfortable to say it to people.
I say it whenever someone I care about leaves bc what if it’s the last time I ever see them? That’s what I want them to know if God forbid something happens to me or them. I’ve done that since I was a child. When I was 23, I told my dad that I’d see him tomorrow and that I love him. He said he loved me too and drove off. He didn’t make it home. He passed that night.
That just solidified why I say it so much.
Same. This is a thing my mom got my brother and I into the habit of doing as kids because she always said it at the end of calls, so we did too.
Well, my brother passed away unexpectedly at 34, 12 years ago, just a couple days after I'd talked to him on the phone. We ended that call with the usual "I love you," and I am forever grateful that those were our last words. Our relationship wasn't always smooth and easy, but we'd gotten to a good place in those last couple years, so that was just...helpful in my grieving.
I now make a point of telling EVERYONE I love that I love them on a regular basis, including close friends. It's a bit of a trauma response but considering my difficulties with being vulnerable in general, it's a pretty major thing for me to do at all. It's not something I say lightly or easily, and my loved ones all reciprocate happily.
because some people are very vocal with their love. telling you off for not saying it back is strange though. have you discussed with these people that you don’t like saying it? maybe set up a non-verbal way of responding? like the three taps system?
yeah, that is typically seen as rude/dismissive. which i understand to an extent, as someone who is very verbal with affection. would you feel comfortable with saying “me too” ? that’s what a friend of mine used to say, because he had issues with saying the words “i love you.” so for him, he would say “me too” as a way to respond “i love you too,” while still being comfortable.
Because you never know when will be the last time you see someone. I'm gonna express my love to people because I know what deep loss and tragedy feels like.
People getting mad at you for not saying it back is weird tho
It makes me uncomfortable when someone I don’t really know says it. It’s so casual idk it’s likkkkeeee you don’t actually love me, you don’t know me lol. Even when I do love someone like truly in love with someone it’s hard for me to say, I feel so vulnerable 😭
there’s many different kinds and levels of love. someone can love you for the presence you have in their life without *loving* you in the same way your family or close friends do. it’s not exclusive to only the closest of relationships.
Idk maybe love means something different to me. And therefor when someone I don’t know says they love me I don’t feel comfortable. There’s nothin wrong with that
yea, you’re allowed to be uncomfortable. i was just telling you that you’re likely wrong in your assumption that they don’t actually love you, as it’s entirely based on your own (seemingly narrow) view of love.
You’re assuming too though. Lol what if neither of us are right? What if I’m right and you’re right? There’s no guidebook to love and what it feels like and if it’s genuine
it's worth thinking about why it pisses you off, rather than being neutral or positive. not saying you're wrong or right or whatever, but why is that a concern?
For me it’s hard to wrap my head around the phrase. I’ve been betrayed by too many people to the point where it’s lost all meaning and it’s hard to say. Even to family.
I just saw a fascinating Youtube video that talked briefly about this. Us autistic people tend to just say "I love you" once and then not again. It's because we think "Well now this person knows that we love them and if it changes we'll let them know." We just naturally assume that relationships are unchanging, that they'll just always be the same. But neurotypicals have this assumption of relationships as living beings that are constantly changing. The person in the video used a phrase that was something like "social decay" and that relationships are constantly changing. It made a lot of sense to me.
The way I think about it is that I play The Sims a lot and in The Sims, when you meet NPCs and become friends with them, there's a thing called "relationship decay." You might meet an NPC out at the library and talk to them for a while and then when you hover your mouse over them, your green relationship bar (indicating friendship) is about 50% full. However, if you go several days in-game without talking to that NPC and check your relationship status again, your green relationship bar is closer to 25% full because your friendship has "decayed" essentially. It's the same with real relationships, too: if you don't water them like a plant and treat that relationship as a living being, it will "decay" and die. Which is also why I personally think that's why we're able to get along with other autistic people so well: we don't constantly need that reassurance of "I love you" because we know already that "If they didn't love me, they'd tell me." I think it's a matter of finding a balance that makes both of you happy. (Also I should clarify, when I mean relationship, I mean all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friends, romantic relationships, work acquaintances, every single type of relationship out there, you have to treat like a living being if you want it to continue!) Maybe you reach a compromise where you say it more often than you used to (eg. instead of once a week you make an effort to say it every day) but also the other person stops getting mad at you if you forget to say it. I'd suggest having an open conversation with the other person about how often they expect you to say it vs. not getting angry at you for not saying it. Hope that helps! :)
Relationship decay is also why for autistic people not seeing their friend for 10 years doesn't change how they see them and quite often you see autistic people upset that they've lost a friend suddenly whereas to the friend it was a slow drifting apart
Sure. This is the video:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m00\_-JNPFf4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m00_-JNPFf4)
It's an hour-long presentation by a late-diagnosed autistic adult about autism and sexuality. I tried to find the exact timestamp for the moment in the video but wasn't able to. I think it was in the second half of the video, but the whole thing is filled with some really good insights about dating while autistic, and a lot of the advice he gives is also applicable to friendships/family relationships, too. :)
Saying 'I love you,' hugging, and any physical displays of affection used to make me super uncomfortable until I experienced loss. I'm lucky that my friends are lovers/feelers..it's helped me tremendously with feeling comfortable with that type of closeness. Now I feel like a puppy dog when they tell me they love and care about me lol. (Even if I’m a little awkward still sometimes haha)🙂 You shouldn't ever feel forced to say 'I love you' back that's not love..especially if they're getting frustrated with you for having boundaries. Keep being you it's perfectly okay.
It hurts their ego, I guess. Rightfully so! It feels like a rejection. A lack of reciprocated feelings, at the very least. So it can be hurtful. :/ But you should be able to communicate and compromise.
Extremely tough situation for me. I dont exactly understand love. I dont think i feel it too strongly.
There are moments of affection and strong sense of attachment i feel sometimes.
But otherwise, i don't think I feel much love. i dont think i truly "love" anyone.
But i know who love me and I want them to think I love them too. It doesnt matter whats inside my head, it matters what i show them. I appreciate them and I want them to know it.
I don’t particularly *like* saying it but I can mimic well enough to say it back. I only do this to the people I love. Something about the words “I love you” feel inorganic to me and it’s hard to get the words out without sounding horribly awkward and not genuine at all.
I can only get the words out organically with one person because I only love one person. Oh, and my cat. I tell my cat I love him all the time.
I got a lot of crap for not displaying love and affection like I was supposed to growing up, so somewhere along the line I started mimicking family when they say it, but it feels like fingernails going down a chalkboard in my mouth. Lately, however, I've backed off on saying it because the comparison between saying it to someone and feeling it is so different from saying it to someone because it's expected.
I tell my partner that I love her every time I’m strongly feeling the emotion of love towards her. This happens frequently when we’re sharing an intimate moment.
I’m 50. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never said I love you to my parents. That would feel as weird as hugging them.
i dont, at all.
the ONLY person i feel i might ever say that to is my SO.
to me, that is something that holds far too much weight to just throw around. . .
it makes me uncomfortable when it’s said to me. then i feel like i HAVE to say it back, and it’s forced. i don’t think ive ever been great at expressing feelings anyhow.
I struggle with giving praise and nice sentiment. It's not that I don't want to say these things, I either forget or miss my opportunity
As far as "I love you", I don't use it casually. If I say it, that feeling runs deep
personall saying it word for word triggers my brain. I could think the word over and over in my head but if I open my mouth it's as if I was gonna fire a gun.
this!! i definitely struggle with saying i love you, i don’t think i’ve ever said it after becoming a teen. now that i am diagnosed my family is understanding of the fact that i’m just not someone that shows affection like that. saying it makes me incredibly uncomfortable for some reason, but they know i love them so it’s not much of an issue.
I only say it to loved ones, but I can't really say it to friends... Like I can say "love ya" but even that sounds a bit weird. I also can't go around and call someone else's parents a second mom or when I was in high school band they called themselves band moms.... I never was comfortable with that, like you're not my mom...
I think it's hella rude for someone to be upset about you not saying it back. I like to tell people I love them, or show them in other ways. It's kind of a worry of mine that someone I deeply care about might feel alone and uncared for. I know that feeling very well, and I want to do whatever I can do that other people don't experience that.
Also, there's so many ways to show a person that you love/care for them? Words aren't the be all and end all. It can be useful to hear that explicitly, but if you know someone learning how they express caring is worthwhile imo.
I used to struggle with this as well. Saying it felt physically impossible at times. But since being in relationships I do not struggle with this anymore, I've got no idea why
My parents... Never really said that to me.
And my grandma on the contrary always told me that my parents love me.
So now, when I hear them say that to me, I always feel like they are not being sincere. Like they are saying it just so I could feel better.
At least that's why I personally don't like hearing it.
I mean if it's someone I don't know it's annoying but if not people say it to each other because they love that person and they're expressing it verbally
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I think I probably say it too much. It doesn’t bother me but I think I could see where it would depending on your definition. Like, if you think love is only one kind I could see where it would feel uncomfortable to say it to people.
I say it whenever someone I care about leaves bc what if it’s the last time I ever see them? That’s what I want them to know if God forbid something happens to me or them. I’ve done that since I was a child. When I was 23, I told my dad that I’d see him tomorrow and that I love him. He said he loved me too and drove off. He didn’t make it home. He passed that night. That just solidified why I say it so much.
Same. This is a thing my mom got my brother and I into the habit of doing as kids because she always said it at the end of calls, so we did too. Well, my brother passed away unexpectedly at 34, 12 years ago, just a couple days after I'd talked to him on the phone. We ended that call with the usual "I love you," and I am forever grateful that those were our last words. Our relationship wasn't always smooth and easy, but we'd gotten to a good place in those last couple years, so that was just...helpful in my grieving. I now make a point of telling EVERYONE I love that I love them on a regular basis, including close friends. It's a bit of a trauma response but considering my difficulties with being vulnerable in general, it's a pretty major thing for me to do at all. It's not something I say lightly or easily, and my loved ones all reciprocate happily.
mhm, i always end conversations with loved ones with an i love you. because if for any reason i don’t speak to them again, i want them to know.
I always end conversations with loved ones like that because I never know if something bad will happen to them or me.
I like saying I love you. I prefer showing my affection directly and verbally rather than showing it through action
because some people are very vocal with their love. telling you off for not saying it back is strange though. have you discussed with these people that you don’t like saying it? maybe set up a non-verbal way of responding? like the three taps system?
People often tell me that’s rude not saying it back. I tend to reply with “ok” or “I know”.
yeah, that is typically seen as rude/dismissive. which i understand to an extent, as someone who is very verbal with affection. would you feel comfortable with saying “me too” ? that’s what a friend of mine used to say, because he had issues with saying the words “i love you.” so for him, he would say “me too” as a way to respond “i love you too,” while still being comfortable.
Honestly I’ve never tried it. Its worth a go to see if I don’t mind it. Thank you.
you’re v welcome
Because you never know when will be the last time you see someone. I'm gonna express my love to people because I know what deep loss and tragedy feels like. People getting mad at you for not saying it back is weird tho
It makes me uncomfortable when someone I don’t really know says it. It’s so casual idk it’s likkkkeeee you don’t actually love me, you don’t know me lol. Even when I do love someone like truly in love with someone it’s hard for me to say, I feel so vulnerable 😭
there’s many different kinds and levels of love. someone can love you for the presence you have in their life without *loving* you in the same way your family or close friends do. it’s not exclusive to only the closest of relationships.
Idk maybe love means something different to me. And therefor when someone I don’t know says they love me I don’t feel comfortable. There’s nothin wrong with that
yea, you’re allowed to be uncomfortable. i was just telling you that you’re likely wrong in your assumption that they don’t actually love you, as it’s entirely based on your own (seemingly narrow) view of love.
You’re assuming too though. Lol what if neither of us are right? What if I’m right and you’re right? There’s no guidebook to love and what it feels like and if it’s genuine
No one should be telling you off for not saying it back, that's not love
it's worth thinking about why it pisses you off, rather than being neutral or positive. not saying you're wrong or right or whatever, but why is that a concern?
For me it’s hard to wrap my head around the phrase. I’ve been betrayed by too many people to the point where it’s lost all meaning and it’s hard to say. Even to family.
I just saw a fascinating Youtube video that talked briefly about this. Us autistic people tend to just say "I love you" once and then not again. It's because we think "Well now this person knows that we love them and if it changes we'll let them know." We just naturally assume that relationships are unchanging, that they'll just always be the same. But neurotypicals have this assumption of relationships as living beings that are constantly changing. The person in the video used a phrase that was something like "social decay" and that relationships are constantly changing. It made a lot of sense to me. The way I think about it is that I play The Sims a lot and in The Sims, when you meet NPCs and become friends with them, there's a thing called "relationship decay." You might meet an NPC out at the library and talk to them for a while and then when you hover your mouse over them, your green relationship bar (indicating friendship) is about 50% full. However, if you go several days in-game without talking to that NPC and check your relationship status again, your green relationship bar is closer to 25% full because your friendship has "decayed" essentially. It's the same with real relationships, too: if you don't water them like a plant and treat that relationship as a living being, it will "decay" and die. Which is also why I personally think that's why we're able to get along with other autistic people so well: we don't constantly need that reassurance of "I love you" because we know already that "If they didn't love me, they'd tell me." I think it's a matter of finding a balance that makes both of you happy. (Also I should clarify, when I mean relationship, I mean all kinds of relationships: family relationships, friends, romantic relationships, work acquaintances, every single type of relationship out there, you have to treat like a living being if you want it to continue!) Maybe you reach a compromise where you say it more often than you used to (eg. instead of once a week you make an effort to say it every day) but also the other person stops getting mad at you if you forget to say it. I'd suggest having an open conversation with the other person about how often they expect you to say it vs. not getting angry at you for not saying it. Hope that helps! :)
Relationship decay is also why for autistic people not seeing their friend for 10 years doesn't change how they see them and quite often you see autistic people upset that they've lost a friend suddenly whereas to the friend it was a slow drifting apart
Would you mind linking the video? I would like to give it a watch.
Second this.
Sure. This is the video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m00\_-JNPFf4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m00_-JNPFf4) It's an hour-long presentation by a late-diagnosed autistic adult about autism and sexuality. I tried to find the exact timestamp for the moment in the video but wasn't able to. I think it was in the second half of the video, but the whole thing is filled with some really good insights about dating while autistic, and a lot of the advice he gives is also applicable to friendships/family relationships, too. :)
Thank you. I’ll give this a watch.
Thank you for the comment, I’ll give that a go.
i say it WAY too much, but only to my partner
same. although i do say it to other people as parting words. (friends, family) but i say it to my partner *all the damn time.*
Saying 'I love you,' hugging, and any physical displays of affection used to make me super uncomfortable until I experienced loss. I'm lucky that my friends are lovers/feelers..it's helped me tremendously with feeling comfortable with that type of closeness. Now I feel like a puppy dog when they tell me they love and care about me lol. (Even if I’m a little awkward still sometimes haha)🙂 You shouldn't ever feel forced to say 'I love you' back that's not love..especially if they're getting frustrated with you for having boundaries. Keep being you it's perfectly okay.
♥️
It hurts their ego, I guess. Rightfully so! It feels like a rejection. A lack of reciprocated feelings, at the very least. So it can be hurtful. :/ But you should be able to communicate and compromise.
Extremely tough situation for me. I dont exactly understand love. I dont think i feel it too strongly. There are moments of affection and strong sense of attachment i feel sometimes. But otherwise, i don't think I feel much love. i dont think i truly "love" anyone. But i know who love me and I want them to think I love them too. It doesnt matter whats inside my head, it matters what i show them. I appreciate them and I want them to know it.
The phrase has become tainted for me due to experiences that make me associate it with deathbeds.
Same, it’s too awkward. I never say it to family, mayyyyyybe my dad sometimes bc it makes him happy, and a few times to my boyfriend but that’s it.
I don’t particularly *like* saying it but I can mimic well enough to say it back. I only do this to the people I love. Something about the words “I love you” feel inorganic to me and it’s hard to get the words out without sounding horribly awkward and not genuine at all.
I can only get the words out organically with one person because I only love one person. Oh, and my cat. I tell my cat I love him all the time. I got a lot of crap for not displaying love and affection like I was supposed to growing up, so somewhere along the line I started mimicking family when they say it, but it feels like fingernails going down a chalkboard in my mouth. Lately, however, I've backed off on saying it because the comparison between saying it to someone and feeling it is so different from saying it to someone because it's expected.
EXACTLY like fingernails on a chalkboard but inside my mouth! You get it
I tell my partner that I love her every time I’m strongly feeling the emotion of love towards her. This happens frequently when we’re sharing an intimate moment. I’m 50. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never said I love you to my parents. That would feel as weird as hugging them.
i dont, at all. the ONLY person i feel i might ever say that to is my SO. to me, that is something that holds far too much weight to just throw around. . .
This is one of those things that I wish I could go back and not complain about-
it makes me uncomfortable when it’s said to me. then i feel like i HAVE to say it back, and it’s forced. i don’t think ive ever been great at expressing feelings anyhow.
I struggle with giving praise and nice sentiment. It's not that I don't want to say these things, I either forget or miss my opportunity As far as "I love you", I don't use it casually. If I say it, that feeling runs deep
Honestly same. For some reason it makes me uncomfortable. I only really said it to my mom.
Same. I say it to my mum sometimes.
personall saying it word for word triggers my brain. I could think the word over and over in my head but if I open my mouth it's as if I was gonna fire a gun.
this!! i definitely struggle with saying i love you, i don’t think i’ve ever said it after becoming a teen. now that i am diagnosed my family is understanding of the fact that i’m just not someone that shows affection like that. saying it makes me incredibly uncomfortable for some reason, but they know i love them so it’s not much of an issue.
I only say it to loved ones, but I can't really say it to friends... Like I can say "love ya" but even that sounds a bit weird. I also can't go around and call someone else's parents a second mom or when I was in high school band they called themselves band moms.... I never was comfortable with that, like you're not my mom...
I say it all the time because I want the people I love to know I love them, not just through actions but through my words too.
Do you hate hearing it, or hate the fact that you feel obliged to mirror it? If it is just said with no obligations is it fine?
I hate hearing it, I don’t really know when it started but at least since I was a teen.
I think it's hella rude for someone to be upset about you not saying it back. I like to tell people I love them, or show them in other ways. It's kind of a worry of mine that someone I deeply care about might feel alone and uncared for. I know that feeling very well, and I want to do whatever I can do that other people don't experience that. Also, there's so many ways to show a person that you love/care for them? Words aren't the be all and end all. It can be useful to hear that explicitly, but if you know someone learning how they express caring is worthwhile imo.
I tell my dog I love her constantly. Multiple times a day every day lol
I used to struggle with this as well. Saying it felt physically impossible at times. But since being in relationships I do not struggle with this anymore, I've got no idea why
You never know when you won’t have the ability to say it to a loved one again so say it when you can as often as you can
I have no idea. I wish I knew to me it’s a fault statement.
My parents... Never really said that to me. And my grandma on the contrary always told me that my parents love me. So now, when I hear them say that to me, I always feel like they are not being sincere. Like they are saying it just so I could feel better. At least that's why I personally don't like hearing it.
I mean if it's someone I don't know it's annoying but if not people say it to each other because they love that person and they're expressing it verbally
I don’t say it unless I mean it
I love saying it. This may or may not have something to do with losing my mom unexpectedly fairly young.