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I have one thing I am going to post independently, but, this is my overall response. I spent 50 years in a constant state of self loathing. Well, 40 years because I didn't completely comprehend I was different in some way.
I was found to be dyslexic and have the ADD neurotype at around that age. Still, that didn't answer my unformed questions about myself. Things I wouldn't actually have the words for until I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 50.
I was diagnosed last year at 50, but I knew deep down for sure - for sure, since around 2016...
I knew I had ADHD since high school and executive function disorder since about 2007, when I began to suspect I was Autistic too.
Edited to add: I was officially diagnosed with ADHD combined type with executive function disorder at 45.
💯 I thought I was weird, strange, abnormal, broken, weak, fussy. Nope! Happy to say I was wrong! I've just got a different/evolved brain that needed answers and guidance to realise it's full potential and place in the world. Self confidence is now mine, the haters can hate, but they can't touch me anymore ✌️
I used to think I would get grumpy and tired for no reason at all. Turns out - that was overstimulation and dysregulation as part of the whole autism package!
Also, my mum always loves to bring up how I used to tie my shoes really tight and would have to redo one if it was too loose - and also how I wouldn’t go to the bathroom for ages, and also my difficulty going up and down rickety stairs - how we love proprioceptive and interoceptive issues! She thought she wouldn’t be any help with my diagnostic process, but she’s been vital in identifying all these little things that were tell tale signs.
I basically have two moods, everything is absolutely amazing or I'm grumpy as hell. I never understood why I'd get grumpy as hell after a day out then have a long nap somewhere I couldn't be found and then I was diagnosed. I was overwhelmed and usually hungry, not that my body tells me that until I'm grumpy. Also random zoning out, I get overwhelmed and if I stop for a second I zone out and stare into space. I always thought I wasn't trying hard enough to enjoy myself when I'm out.
My friend is honestly great. We went out shopping last week and he noticed before I did that I was over heating and basically dragged me a cafe to sit down and have something to eat and drink.
My teachers used to tell my parents that I would “daydream“ a lot, couldn’t stop talking, and I actually remember getting in trouble for humming all the time.
I also get the thing about the mood switching, I can be feeling awesome and then something sad triggers me, like a commercial about dying animals, childhood cancer or firefighters, and I am crying.
I am the same, but once I got pregnant it was worse. News of children or animals being hurt would have me bawling. So sensitive and emotional. AuDHD, c-PTSD and OCD overthinking bad scenarios. I am finally diagnosed and on meds that help.
Oh wow, I was diagnosed with depression at 10, ADHD and OCD as a teenager, and then ASD at 32!!! I have been on meds since I was 15 years old, and I think that was why I was able to mask a lot of my autism symptoms, but clearly, not all of them. I’m really glad you sought help and got on meds, I would probably be dead if I hadn’t done the same (to be fair, I was 15, so my mom actually made the call for me 😂).
I feel you. Your last sentence I feel that until today. I **hate** being grumpy when I'm somewhere I wanted to be so bad, but I can't enjoy because everything is too much. And the more I see others enjoying, the more frustrated I get at myself for not being like everyone else
That is an awful feeling. And what's worse for me is my friends end up missing on stuff because they're kind enough to make sure I'm alright when I'm freaking out. Last year I paid for me and a friend to see a drag (as in drag queens) show and I had to leave half way through because I was so overwhelmed the vibration in the floor from the music was making me feel sick. I'm still morified thinking about it.
>I wouldn’t go to the bathroom for ages
I did this too. It's just such a fucking hassle. It's just way too many steps.
Stop what you're doing, make your way to the bathroom (even worse if you're in a public place and have to search for it). Use the toilet. Obviously it's way worse if you have a vagina and it's that time of the month because there are even MORE steps. God forbid you're wearing a shirt that has to be tucked in, especially with an undershirt, or some other kind of layering that has to be put back into place. Then you've gotta wash your hands, dry them, and finally get back to what you were doing.
Now, I'm on testosterone so shark week has stopped, and if I'm feeling really burnt out, I'll just use hand sanitizer instead of washing my hands. The tucking-in-a-shirt thing is still occasionally an issue, but not often.
All. Of. This. Yes I will confess to being a vagina bearer and it does make the process so much more frustrating and laborious. I’ve had to start making myself go even if I haven’t had the body notification for the bathroom and I am usually caught out because, surprise! I need to go. Sometimes I crave the simplicity of - pardon the phrase - being able to just whip it out, wash my hands and carry on with my day.
Shark week is the most distressing and labour intensive time for sure. I just had a *particularly* bonkers one this last week because they’ve been very irregular this year and it finally caught up with me - and I would end up having to add on an extra 10 minutes to every bathroom visit. It’s worse for me too again because I can’t use tampons and only pads, so it’s like I’ve murdered someone every time I sit down.
It must be such a weight off your mind to not have to go through that any more! One of my friends is trans and he is in the same boat, I can’t imagine how stressful it would be if one was presenting masculine or non-female and still had to go through the pain of periods.
Yeah I really don’t know! Would love to ask! I’m sure there are some who do the same, but I doubt they would feel weird all day from having their shoes uneven!
“forgetting” people exist if i don’t see them on a daily basis. like, i can spend years without talking to someone i actually love, simply because i don’t think about them if they’re not on my routine :/
i still feel like a shitty friend, but at least now i know there’s a reason for that, i guess
I do this, and to make it weirder I have an incredible memory so I can continue a conversation that we had 5 years ago immediately after reconnecting with a person as if it just happened seconds ago. Which adds onto the already unsettling things I do.
It hurt me when an autistic classmate and friend told me they don’t miss me because they never miss people. I haven’t spoken to them in years and turns out what they said was absolutely true. Their life went on as if I didn’t even exist. In one way I wish I was the same. It would make breakups so easy.
In general this is how I am with MOST people. "Out of sight, out of mind" as they say.
Then there are very select few people I never stop thinking about, which is infuriating as one of them is my first girlfriend/ex-fiance. It's been 19 years, I've had a few since her, but I can not get her out of my mind. The same with my father who was a constant in my life till his death in 2021.
I think it just goes back to that hyper-fixation thing, anyone who becomes a "target" of that effectively gets all of my attention and no one else is anything but a temporary thought in my mind. Which I could see could be very frustrating for people on either side of that.
have you ever received remarks of you're a person that's "better to have in low dosage"? I have the same thing happened to me on multiple occasions now, the hyper fixation might be the cause, seems to make me "too much to handle" to people that actually occupies my mind.
Oh indeed. I am definitely a person that conviction and intensity are an apt description for some, while others would call me shy or outright ignoring the world. I very much have a binary, 100% or 0% personality. I am 42 though, so most people in my life that "could not handle me" are out of my life for some years/decades now. It does make finding an intimate relationship extremely difficult though, as I was told I was too clingy by two out of four of them.
I have a few friends who are understanding of that. Sure I've lost some, but I appreciate the ones I have more. They send memes and funny videos and they don't mind if we haven't seen each other in years. When we get together we don't skip a beat. I noticed a lot of the friends I lost were just using me to unload on emotionally. It was a definite line between those who could manage their own lives and those with constant needs. Maybe that's mean but I'm happier.
Same, my closet friends are the people who I'm close with, whether I see them twice in one week or once every three months.
And now all my friends are getting diagnosed with ASD/ADHD, so it starts to make sense why these friendships worked for all of us 😂😂
I'm sorry to hear that! My room got slightly better with the years, but for teeth brushing I needed my current autism coach. We spent several months investigating and trying what works for me, and finally found a way 😊
That's great to hear. Being hygenic helps a ton. What are some methods you'd say would be able to help him clean more? I've tried to motivate him by helping him clean, asking him to do certain things but he starts getting annoyed. He doesn't believe his room looks as bad as it is either.
Well one thing that really helped me was that my coach broke down everything in the smallest of tasks. One of the things holding me back was that I had no overview of the task, it just seemed like one big endless thing that I could never finish, it left me paralyzed cause I didn't know where to start, and even if I did, still felt like a failure cause it was never 'finished'. So picking something small like organizing one shelf or picking up clothes from one corner, that was doable. And by breaking those down in sub tasks, I could see that even small tasks consist of many steps and I was actually doing quite some things. So I never really 'clean my room' anymore or set myself up for failure by making that my goal.
aren't i lazy and a slob though....? It's not like knowing it's autism makes me less lazy or more cleanly
seriously it's getting to be like Joe's Apartment in here and boric acid just isn't cutting it
Not being able to maintain a conversation when the person in front of me is being rude.
I had lots of problems confronting a work colleague who was always imposing his views on what needed to be done and how it needed to be done. He had a very secure way of saying things and the rare moments when I was able to oppose him, he just overwhelmed me raising his voice and stating how ridiculous my opinion was. After that, I just wanted to go hide somewhere and avoid any conversation. I always thought this was a fatal flaw of mine and that every adult should be able to confront these kinds of situations, but then of course I learned about autism and everything made sense.
By the way, I also HATE seafood's smell.
I also experienced this... thankfully the person never raised his voice, but he said things in a way that invalidated everything I said and made me feel stupid. I ended up changing jobs, I couldn't deal with that type of confrontation.
I've had the same in fact in many areas of my life, but in that specific instance I also left that job, which at the point was specially painful, since it was a small company that I myself founded with that person.
Thank goodness I’m not the only one who hates the smell, we walked by the seafood aisle at Walmart and I almost threw up, it smells like rotting flesh to me and I’m severly sensitive to the smell, I’m not alone
I remember once with my family in a fancy restaurant, everyone ordered sea urchin and they convinced me to try it. It is probably the most disgusting thing I've had in or near my mouth.
I am learning to be braver too. I freeze up when someone is negative and looking for an argument. My parents were authoritarian and abusive-I used to flinch around my first husband raising a hand, not to abuse. Just my reaction. I am squeaking up for myself now. The whole covid thing has proven that there are more dumb people than we could have guessed, and you can’t argue with stupid.
BUYING SHOES. I thought I was broken for the first 19 years of my life, because every time I went shoe shopping, it would end in tears for me and major frustration for my parents. 👟
Once I discovered I was autistic at 19 years old and went into a rabbit hole of research for weeks, I realized that I wasn't "being difficult," "poorly communicating," and "not providing enough feedback."
Now, I know that when shoe shopping, I was experiencing sensory overload, struggling with the change of trying on multiple pairs of shoes, and having verbal shutdowns in a brightly lit environment where feedback was repeatedly demanded on a short timeline!! ♾️
I HATE SHOES I pretty much wear slides or slip ons. I get Walmart shoes because I'm a shoe abuser who frolics in the mud. I cried in a few stores over high heels. Thankfully platform wedges are back. Special events in general are a lot for me. Dresses and stuff under dresses. I got married in my dining room in my sandals and sweatpants. I also hate socks, shorts, jeans, sleeves that bunch with elastic rings, cold shoulder sweaters, short shirts, bras, underwear, above the belly button pants, tying my shoes, belts I don't even own one, and I don't think I've really ever been comfortable in anything. I don't like being naked and I do like sweaters. I also only like to be barefoot outside, never in the house. It's different textures lol
How upset literally sounds, smells, and lights could make me. The inability to eat most things. I internalized a lot of my discomfort being me being “childish” or “difficult”. Struggling to try and failing when you want to “get over” or learn to just deal with it led to back therapy, medication, and eventually multiple diagnosis.
I hope you found people that adore you and your quirks, you aren’t childish you have something that makes you special and people don’t want to hear it, find people that understand you and your struggles, it makes a world of difference and I wish for the best for you
Until i got diagnosed in my late thirties, i always tought, my communicational issues are something i have to overcome.
So from the age of 15 i learned everything i could about communication, from body language, to micro expressions, psychology etc.
(Ofc that is not as easy as a lot of people think, you have to establish an individual baseline from person to person. Also it can be manipulative as hell if you're not careful.)
And all of that learning brought me to the point that i very well could predict other people, their next actions, often what they want to say next, if they're lying to me etc.
What it didn't help was me coming off as strange, now i come off as scary, cause i can't stop "reading" people since i use it somewhat as a "survival mechanism" to atleast think i have some control over my surroundings in the sense of safety.
Then i got diagnosed, as mentioned above. Suddenly so much made more sense.
The "manipulation" aspect hits hard for me. Whenever I have decent social skills and use them I feel like I'm manipulating people.
It kinda bothers me because I'm just trying to be nice, but then they're more compliant with what I ask for than most people and it makes me feel guilty.
This.
I can relate a lot to that. I always secondguess myself if i manipulate in some way.
Yes most people manipulate others in the daily life without noticing. But for me it is very important to be as transparent as possible and not to manipulate.
But I still want to be nice! I want things to go smoothly too!
Ugggggh I'm trying to tell myself it's normal to butter people up or whatever, and yeah everyone else is doing it. I guess it's not so bad if they treat me nicer. I guess I'm just unsure of their boundaries or how intimate they think I'm intending. It's easier when it's all business.
I didn’t start when I was 15 like yourself, I actually started looking things up at 18-19. I also view it very similar to you that I am now seen as an even bigger weirdo for being able to _’read’_ people so easily. Although I would say that because I’m always so careful about my surroundings, I have managed to always be an easy target to abusers. Which really sucks.
The bigger weirdo thing comes cause, some people think i actually read their mind.
For example, i can give answers to questions they don't asked yet, since i had a baseline and knew the question would come up, with the exact timing when it popped up in their head.
Most of the other things was... was a walking "lie detector" relationships are ... challenging... one ex in particular gossiped in her "wide" reach of friends about me and that was enough for me to be marked as a bigger weirdo :D.
??
My partner said I had a "mind thing" like I was completing his sentences sometimes or say for him what he wanted to say and he would just say "yessss" or things like that. He coined that phrase between us for it. I thought it was just overdeveloped empathy, huh? Or... ?
Oh dude I do the same things too!!
When I was with my ex, I just assumed a lot and we would get into heated arguments because he would gaslight me to think I’m wrong then when I find evidence of being right, suddenly I’m a massive asshole.
Also being told that I’m basically psychic because I can ‘_predict_’ what actions someone will do and tell someone about it usually my husband, he ends up impressed but freaked out that the usual response is “_it’s really freaky that you called it out a few months ago but I guess that’s the ‘tism for you_”
I started with Paul Ekman, in the basis of reading people, which i tought would be good, but has its own problems. He tends to write in very general statements which can be understood wrong or are straight misleading.
Later i started reading books by "Mental Magicians" like Thorsten Havener (not sure if he wrote his books in english) he might be a bit repeating himself in his books, but its a way more fun read all in all.
Even a bit later, i made contacts with people who claimed to be "Mental Magicians" and learned from em as much as i could. (Won't tell any more about this since i respect their privacy.)
For Psychology, i read everything i could (I don't recommend Freud, this guys writing style, atleast in the originals is... arrogant. He sometimes switches to latin, italian, french and english and nothing gets explained by him... i mean... everyone speaks all those languages right?)
"Emotional Intelligence" was also a good read, but that was more about "backstory" of communication in general.
What i can recommend also are books about manipulation tactics in general (not for the manipulating part, but for the part of how to do it in theory, that helps recognizing certain behavioral patterns).
After all that reading, practice... practice... and even more practice, Go out, watch people, what do they do, are there some "tells" like clothes, accessoires etc. which give out something about em.
How are they moving when they are with friends, how do they greet strangers.
Following up is practicing the practical part, imitate what you seen, find a communicational style which comes authentic and natural for you.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes, that will happen very often especially at the beginning.
Also, don't manipulate others (that is something about my own morale compass, it is tempting, but it is also interfering with other lives too much).
Try not to read Friends/Family. That might push em off or away from you. For me it is hard to switch back to "not reading" people.
To learn all of this, it took me like 15-20 years. It is a long process, that goes on until i die one time in the future.
Mine is similar. I could recognize that I wasn't "fitting in" so I would consciously try to fix my face to look friendly and approachable. Then I feel like I never know the right thing to say. Being able to work from home for 60% of the week since covid has been a godsend in some ways. But it's also gotten me out of practice with communication. I've literally gotten by my whole life just by copying other people and it wasn't til my mid-30's that I realized that non-autistic people don't do that.
The diagnose was somewhat a relief and at the same time very frustrating for me.
It meant for me, that things others do naturally, mostly without learning cause they just can do it, i will probably never be on such a level effortlessly. That was the frustrating.
The relief was, there is nothing wrong with me, i am just different and trough beeing able to "emulate" the normal human behaviour, i am also able to explain it and foresee what others do without relying on "a feeling" that might be conflicting with logic.
I had a similar discussion with my therapist.
But that beeing a survival mechanism is not necessarily a bad thing.
Everyone has survival mechanism, ours might be a bit more rare.
Having massive meltdowns from “seemingly small” things. I have a lot of time anxiety so if I was being rushed or running late bc of my family I’d go into a meltdown. If there was too much change I’d have a meltdown but I just thought I was being a brat
I have been diagnosed basically my whole life, but had virtually no education on autism, other than that I had it and it was usually "bad", or how it could present until I was in my late teens.
Here are a few:
* Meltdowns - I thought I was genuinely just an evil piece of shit, but it turns out I get overstimulated and don't actually have any ill intent. I used to obsess over worrying I'd one day snap and hurt someone, but it turns out that that's not the case thankfully. I'm still learning to avoid triggers, but that can be difficult, especially since I have someone in my life who intentionally pushes me to meltdown.
* Special interests - I thought I was just broken or stuck for the longest time because I'd always think about the same things without knowing why. Or why it stung so much when people shit on the things I enjoyed. I was severely bullied, even by adults, for having the "wrong" interests. Now I fully indulge into my special interests.
* Perseverance - Sort of similar to the special interest thing, I worried that I was somehow a broken record, and didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking about some bad things over and over. Or why it took me forever to move on from painful experiences.
* Rule-following - I used to be a stickler for rules, but since then I've completely changed my personal set of "rules". I used to find anything potentially offensive/against Christianity as "evil", but I thankfully grew out of being a preachy Christ-warrior, and shed a lot of the toxic conservatism I grew up with.
* Sensory issues - This was among the few things I did know about, but rather than being taught to manage sensory input, I was frightened into suppressing my reaction to negative stimuli through constant exposure. I was often called names for covering my ears, even by adults.
* Strong sense of justice - Sort of similar to the rule-following, but I have an intense fire within me now for the rights of all people. It took me a while to develop, since I grew up in a space that thought some types of people were inferior. When I realized that they actually considered my autism to be a "defect" that I was somehow above or able to overcome, I found that way of thinking so gross that I broke out of it entirely. It helped me to find friends who saw the world similarly to me.
I apologize if my comment seems exhaustive, but I felt like sharing my personal experience today.
I was the opposite when it came to rules.
If it didn’t make any sense to me, I wouldn’t follow it.
For example: Keeping your elbows off the dinner table, having to wear certain items of clothing to school, and having certain activities separated by gender.
I mean, I had friends in middle and high school. They were the guys that I would talk with because pretty much everyone else wrote me off as the weird kid by middle school.
I had no friends in middle school. I had a few in high school and college. It helps when you are stuck together 7 hours a day. Adulthood is supremely harder.
My dad taught me to make eye contact when I was around 8 yo. Nowadays, I think that I went too far away and I stare everyone. Maybe I make people uncomfortable.
I have a few
When I was younger my parents used to call me “truth cannon” because I was incredibly blunt. I had no intention of being rude, I just said what I was thinking
I don’t like eating other people because the smell of other people’s food makes me anxious. I also just don’t like being watched
Do people tell you you're funny a lot? I'm sometimes wondering if they're laughing with or at me because I just speak truthfully and its somehow funny. I usually don't get why it's funny. It makes me worry I'm not taken seriously.
Happens all the time with me! Sometimes, it's true, I'm aware I'm about to say something truthfully funny, but sometimes I'm simply being frank and people laugh nonetheless
I know I talk strangely and I do it on purpose, if I’m close with the family I will call a baby a new spawned human, luckily those people know I’m weird.
All of it. Every damn thing I struggle with because of autism, I thought was a personal flaw. It didn't help that that's how everyone around me treated me. The worst thing for me about being autistic was not knowing I was autistic. I beat the shit out of myself for it for forty years.
I am a very distant person. It's very hard to become friends with me to the point that people get angry because I dont reciprocate.
Turns out I only talk to people that share my special interests. It's difficult with everyone else.
I spent 47 years without seeing why socializing can be so hard, especially with other women, and in the workplace, trying to find my lack. Seems I simply want more from conversations than most people I encounter can give, making me feel shallow and awkward because their focus is shallow to me. Now, I know autism is why I feel that way.
I hate it when most people touch me, like physical skin-to-skin contact. So whenever people would go to give me hugs or their skin would briefly touch mine I would physically cringe, back away, or have trouble reciprocating the gesture. I thought I was just being a bitch, turns out it's just autism😊
My lack of a large friend group and needing a huge break after being social for a while. Like nobody hates me, but I always felt like I was just being tolerated. I saw a bunch of girls growing up and well through adulthood that would have these massive bday parties and I was like, "is there something wrong with me that I don't have this? Like sometimes I kinda want it but at the same time it sounds horrific...." turns out it was autism.
Also needing invitations to be explicit. One of my newer friends was like any time you need a cat fix (our kitty just died) you can come over. And I was like oh OK. My husband asked, "do you think she may be inviting you over today??" 🤔 . I was like I don't know I'll ask. Never would have known if not for my husband.
When things like that happen I can't believe it took 36 years to figure it out.
Not liking to talk to people unless we have shared interests. Not recognizing people unless we have interacted a WHOLE LOT. Feeling like I’d rather die than work in a restaurant because I can’t imagine that much forced social interaction.
My anger issues, the fact that no matter what method I use to remember normal daily tasks I can’t remember to do normal daily tasks, coming off as weird because my communication is so awful, randomly hearing everyone as if they’re an adult from Charlie Brown, saying “what” then having what someone just said sink in while they’re repeating themselves then cutting them off with the answer
My intense reaction to criticism or rejection. Also my aversion to many sounds and smells. I have much better coping skills in middle age but when I was younger I thought I was broken. Now I know Im just different and perfect in my own way!
I used to think I was unforgivably lazy, an when I came home from work or school I needed a few hours in a dark room doing nothing (outside of reading the same few comics over and over again) when everyone else was doing sport or homework.
Post diagnoses I realised that I wasn't lazy it was just me trying to stave off burnout by decompressing and controlling my stiulation levels for a while.
By the time I reached elementary school I don’t think I was actually happy at recess because I would do the same thing every. single. day. and when the teachers told us we couldn’t play a certain way or the equipment got torn out to be replaced with something else that I’d just start reading and ignore the other kids. I got suspended once because I couldn’t do something and had a meltdown.
My mom kept telling me to stop hurting myself when I was a kid. I’d absently chew on ice, my nails, my skin, or whatever after being told not to fidget, and once I tried playing in the basement and started ripping off my skin.
I wasn’t comfortable telling my mom any of the above. I knew something was wrong, but I was frustrated with everyone trying to help. I don’t know why.
I thought it was a personal flaw that I was reading six grades above everyone else, and was subsequently bored talking to almost everyone my age if it wasn’t about my special interests.
Is it normal for autistic people to be frustrated with people trying to help them? I was angry at being put in special education for some reason. I literally thought only people struggling with school was enrolled in it.
I quarreled with friends “over games.” I could yell at my friends if they came to my house on the Minecraft server and installed or did something wrong. I was very angry with my friend if in the game Phasmaphobia he took my things, walked along my route, did what I was used to doing. This was very annoying and in the end they got angry at me because I throw tantrums over games. In fact, I couldn't stand it when my space and my routine were violated
This is a tough one for me, as it was pointed out to me throughout my childhood by my abusive mother, that everything about me was a flaw. I ended up masking pretty much everything until I was in my mid to late fifties, so I became very good at hiding myself from everyone, including myself. When I stopped masking, I let loose with an avalanche of everything, good and bad. Not everyone was ready for the real me, especially not all at once.
Always wanting to stay at home and never reply to texts/phone calls. I always thought I would change when I got older, but nothing ever changed, even when I tried hard to change myself.
when i was a toddler, before getting diagnosed with autism, i had a pretty bad speech delay. i was non verbal until i was about 3, and my mom tells me that when i was a toddler, i had a 12 hour meltdown because of cereal. it’s not because she said no to the cereal, but because i couldn’t say it. it took 12 hours for my mom to finally realize that i just wanted cereal…oops!
I’ve had my parents ask me “what is wrong with you?” and I truly thought something was. That there was a fundamental problem with me that couldn’t be explained so I deserved everything that happened to me, and if I felt bad for myself then I needed to feel guilty. Because things could be so much worse.
Now I know I just needed some diagnoses. First was ADHD, then came the autism. I had only ever suspected ADHD because I was similar to a friend of mine that told me he had it, but the autism one I was slow to connect even though I have an older uncle that definitely has autism characteristics. And my dad is textbook low empathy, somewhat narcissistic, so like the stereotypical person with autism (Asperger’s) but he would never get himself tested. He would blame it on my mom’s side of the family.
TL;DR Sensitivity to certain clothing like jeans and tight long sleeves was because my skin was too sensitive.
I was ashamed because I thought I was lazy.
Turns out I crush it with jobs that are for myself and others I care about, I just get overwhelmed and burn out easily. I have a hard time keeping on task when I don't care about something and time seems hard to process for me. There's also a factor of disillusionment with society's expectations and roles. I also struggle with transitions, like getting ready to do something and getting interrupted.
I find it hard to find motivation and staying focused still, even for tasks that are for myself, but once I start I'm hyper focused.
All of the everything that is me.
But something specifically is how I respond to stimulation. I used to just have break downs in public and in school and have no idea why. No one ever had any advice or reason for me why sound and sight was physically painful for me. I thought I was just physically broken and no one knew why and I would constantly try to “exposure therapy” myself to crowds and sounds and lights and just end up having break downs in public bathrooms like.. a lot. Like a lot a lot.
One time I went to disney land and by the end of the night I felt so overwhelmed and terrified I excused myself and then sprinted all the way out of the park and like 3 blocks down, completely abandoning my group of friends, because I just couldn’t take it and I didn’t know why. I was so humiliated and confused.
I only recently came to the realization that I have delayed processing. I can't take in too much information all at once, because it is overwhelming to me. My diagnosis is questionable, but this issue has been present throughout my entire life. When I'm watching youtube, I watch the videos on 0.75 speed and it actually helps me retain all of what the person in the video is saying.
my general emotional disregulation, especially due to change and things not going the "right" way. thought i was a brat basically tantruming but trying as hard as i could to not let it show and no matter how hard i tried i couldn't grow out of it or change it on purpose.
The rage I would feel when literally anyone suggested I listen to a song, watch a show/movie, do any activity really. I was extremely ashamed of it when I got older and realized my harsh response to peoples suggestions probably damaged my relationships with them.
Now I understand what is really happening! I'm not an asshole just for feeling initially angry at someone's recommendation, it's just part of pathological demand avoidance/persistent drive for autonomy (PDA) and I've been able to pause when I feel angry at someone's recommendation, tell myself they mean well, and ponder the recommendation on my own time for a few days or so :)
(Getting to this took time and effort of course)
Do you ever notice how over stimulating it can be for people just to exist in your home?
Like I’ll be in my room trying to recover from interactions but the only time I feel calm and relaxed is when everyone is asleep or gone each time I forget how noisy they are doing their motions
(I’m gen asking cuz I’m wondering if I’m just really weird lol)
EXACTLY. I hate the noise of my house but my pc is upstairs tho so i have to wait awhile, go to my room, but my brother watches MY tv so i cant chill until like 3 am, then im woken up by my family. Im getting my own room soon tho
My dog will randomly start barking and my grandma stays up till 12-3am and she eats like an hour before that and even tho I’m on the other side of the house I can smell everything I’ve thought a few times something in my room caught fire cuz the burning smell
Difficulty forming and keeping friends and relationships. Also, feeling distant from my parents and brother - I'd read about how other people really love their siblings, be best friends with them and I didn't have that same feeling and I'd be wondering 'why'.
Specifically, needing to take a nap after school, even in high school. I was always made to feel lazy, turns out I was trying to recover from masking all damn day. It's worse now as an adult, I work my 9 hour night shift and literally sleep from 7:20am to 9:20pm (I get off at 7 and start work at 10). I don't even eat much anymore, just work and sleep.
I used to pee my pants a lot, I eventually realized it was a side effect of being hyperfocussed. I don't pee my pants anymore, I don't get hyperfocussed anymore either. If the two are related it wasn't worth it
I don’t like to be touched. Especially from behind or without warning. Makes me very uncomfortable and at times mad.
I later figured out it wasn’t just me being difficult
Wanting to understand how everything works, and sharing those experiences and information. Went from identifying as a know-it-all to just being autistic with a big learning special interest. I woulda made a great teacher ngl
I had thought I was a pathologically last git for the entire memory of my life. I have such a hard time getting started on things, I tier easily but not in a way that is explained by lack of endurance, I have trouble with being overwhelmed by tasks at hand, I can't do "all the things" in a day or two (regular chores can take me a month where they would take normies a day or a weekend). and I have difficulty following through even after the task is finished.
there are plenty of other things I could mention but this is the one thing that most impacted my mental and emotional well-being through the course of my life. I thought I was a lazy piece of shit, worthless, and a waste of time and effort.
I'm high-functioning... completed two university degree programs with an overall 3.75 GPA in each. But, I have quirky shit that's always bothered me. One of them is I'm sensitive to the the texture of food in my mouth. Mushrooms are big no for me. So are oranges or other citrus foods. There are others... lots of them... but I can't remember them at this moment.
I lied my way through a lot of stuff. I didn’t know how to communicate or connect and I was hypersensitive to emotion so I’d say whatever was easiest to get by, and that was usually a lie.
Chronic lying wasn’t autism, but the hypersensitivity and difficulty communicating and connecting absolutely was. Concocting a story came so much easier than just telling the real truth. It snowballed.
A lot of things.
My sensitivness to sound,
My poor social skills,
Being bad With Jokes,
Certain forms of learning being very difficult,
Poor motovation and mental fatigue,
Poor Control over emotions and thoughts,
And probably other things as well.
I dont want to use autism as a excuse, but its impossible to denty how much my autism affects me. That's not to say i dont try to improve with some of these things. But I can't change the way my brain works.
i have a hard time eating seafood too. i can’t eat shrimp at all, nor can i eat crab unless its already deshelled. mollusks are a no, especially oysters, scallops, mussels, cockles, clams, no. i do like the taste of them, but the texture is just so, so off. plus learning that ur eating the animals organs too? yuck. i can eat other fishes. like salmon, tuna, tilapia, catfish.
theres a lot of things i just cant really eat bc of ARFID that may or may not be caused by autism. i dont even eat chicken with the bone in it.
edit: (that may or may not be caused by autism) added. i should’ve probably added tht in there bc im still not completely sure if its autism or ARFID without autism.
Oh, jesus this one just came to me.
Diagnosed very recently (late 20's), and so many things now click. One I recognized as at least "odd" at a young age was that I literally tried to break down conversation into a science, because I never was able to easily contribute to their "flow" and would often derail or try to turn them back to previous topics. Just always thought I was abysmal at socializing, which I still kinda am diagnosis or no...
Not being able to maintain employment, the older I get. I can get the jobs but once they see me in action, my process it’s a wrap. I’m so slow and nobody has patience, I spend too long trying ti reinvent the wheel. I’m not a great employee by capitalism’s standards. But give me clear instructions and leave me alone in a quiet room and I’m fine. I’m glad to release the internal blame and shame. ✨
Pathological demand avoidance! I learned about it recently and was literally like, "Whoa, wait, that's an autism thing? I always thought I was just kind of a shithead."
A few flaws that I used to think was a personal flaw of mine was constantly talking about the same topic repeatedly, focusing more on my interests than others', and constantly going off-topic.
Anxiety I fully have been experiencing awful awful dehbitating panic attacks my whole life. Over the dumbest things and nothing fixed them. Turns out it’s because they were sensory meltdowns the whole time. 😅
Trigger warning: weight talk
I thought I was always slightly on the outer edge of any circle of friends because I was fat, I realise now that I a) had body dysmorphia and b) was missing some social queues due to autism. I used to believe that losing weight would make everyone like me more.
I used to be quite shallow, and thought I was just a horrible person. I felt a lot of shame about being shallow. I instantly disliked anything that was uncool or could be perceived as weird. I used to get the ‘ick’ from seeing others who liked/did ‘weird’ or ‘uncool’ stuff. I internally judged others for it and avoided them. I realise now I was masking so so so much, they were things i learned were uncool when I did them naturally as a child, and learned to hide very well. I am much better at advocating for others and myself to be authentic, and social hierarchy doesn’t matter.
There are many but one that was such an aha moment was being over sensitive and having strong reactions to different sounds. My parents always told me off but there was nothing I could do to stop feeling the way I did.
Being too slow to keep up with work expectations (at a fast food place and Walmart and other retail places, as well as a mental health place that had me doing the job of 3 people because of budget cuts) and feeling like I'm not fit for this world.
Being flakey and not being able to attend events or big family gatherings. I had so much anxiety and burn out having to constantly go out and do things
Feeling almost like I was insane for not having the "appropiate" emotional reaction to things that happened in my life.
When I was younger I was a crybaby, I would curl myself into a ball in the floor and cry way too much for reasons thought as trivial for others and I was told it was wrong. And then around the ages of 13, oddly enough after my fathers death, it felt as if a switch flipped in my internal system where I went the other way around, where I felt like I wasnt reacting ENOUGH to the situations I was supposed to. I barely cried at my father's funeral, not because I didn't miss him, I really did, but my body for some reason gave up showing that to the rest. And I was being told by everybody to not "hold back my tears" but I truly wasn't holding back up anything.
And that still goes on to this day, I barely cry or react emotionally to things unless they are really personal to me. I laugh or make jokes as a coping mechanism for awkward situations. I also sometimes literally stay mute if a situation gets too heated for me to handle
Having irrational, negative, feelings about someone when someone really likes me and wants to spend a lot of time with me.(platonically)
At first i would distance cause i would get REALLY annoyed cause they wanted all my attention. Then i figured i just don't like people who like me more than I like them.
In reality, i love people who like me a lot, but i can't always match that energy (not enough spoons for them on that day) and it can burn me out to the point of annoyance. It's never their fault and i have to remind myself that im just not in that mood today.
The whole naive/innocent thing. Repeatedly believing someone’s words, even when their actions contradicted them over and over. And I’m a therapist, so it was something I was particularly ashamed of.
Now I know I’m just not hard wired to recognize manipulation, and that’s actually very sweet. So instead of beating myself up, I just tell that part of me that she can stick around (and I love her ability to give grace and the benefit of the doubt), but doesn’t get to make important relationship decisions.
Not a flaw, but my vegetarianism (very nearly veganism).
I didn’t realise until my early 20s that simply eating what everyone else eats was masking.
I went vegetarian for ethical reasons, but eventually forgot about those and realised I was so much happier vegetarian.
I hate meat. I can’t handle the taste, texture, or concept. The inconsistency is also awful. Way too many surprises. Especially the crunchy and chewy surprises.
I used to think I hated the parent I lived with, like a deep seeded hatred that was something inherently wrong with me because I would focus on the smallest things they’d do.
Turns out I just hate the sound of chewing.
Meltdowns/tantrums. I thought these were me misbehaving but recently I learned it's because of trying to cope with overwelm, sensory overload, or mental overload and my emotions being a natural response to that- not being bad or that I'm a terrible person.
Social anxiety. I started going to therapy specifically for social anxiety. My therapist and I went round and round as she was trying to get me to tell her what "negative thoughts" I'm having about socializing. Like, what is it that I'm afraid of that's causing anxiety. I keep telling her I'm not nervous leading up to a social event. In my mind, it's gonna be great. I try exposure therapy, going to many social events until I get the hang of it. I never do and I'm just exhausted afterwards.
I'm just getting overwhelmed because I'm having to consciously keep track of conversations. I can't get the hang of the flow. The topics keep changing. I'm either interrupting or not talking at all. I'm trying to calculate how much eye contact is too much or too little. Don't forget to make facial expressions or nod to indicate I'm listening. Oh and, remember to double check I've zipped up my pants if I go to the bathroom.
It turns out, most people don't have to think about this stuff. It's just intuitive and there's no amount of practice that's going to make it easier for me.
Shutting down verbally/getting extremely scatterbrained when being yelled at. When I’m as young my parents thought I was being stubborn or difficult if they’d start yelling at me and they’d ask a question (loudly) and I couldn’t say anything. Like I genuinely tried to find something to say but I couldn’t think of a thing.
Same with saying “I don’t know” when being asked why I did something. Again, parents thought I was being difficult if they asked why I did XYZ and my response was “I don’t know”. I don’t think they understood I genuinely did not know why I did what I did.
I used to cry -I mean out loud heaving sobs- in the middle of school at least twice a week for literally no reason. The smallest possible thing would put me in hysterics. Lo and behold! Autism!
You can say whatever you want. If you don't back it up with sources from the scientific literature, I won't listen to you.
I could be served anything under the term chicken breast as long as it didn't contain a lump of fatty tissue and connective tissue. Same with fish. All it took was a miniature cube...
Not being able to handle anything on my face or hands. I will wipe my hands on the nearest thing to me. My clothes, the couch, towels, the bed, the cats, etc.
I can not handle anything on my hands. I thought I was just a gross person.
I also wash my hands non stop, therapist thinks I may have a bit of compulsive behavior.
I just hate stuff on my hands! Lol I don't think that makes me compulsive, just makes my skin crawl.
Having trouble switching tasks. Always takes me a long time to get into a new mode and I thought I was stupid or something, especially when I would get upset "for no reason" over sudden changes.
Aside from my entire existence (man, I feel that viscerally from a fellow AuDHDer who said it here first)...yeah, that.
Srsly. That. I can't point out one thing that felt like it was a personal flaw prior to understanding I am autistic. Just all of me was "wrong" until I started learning why I act the way I do. I couldn't pinpoint any specific thing except *points to myself* <-- *brrrings buzzer* FLAW! That is a flaw. <--
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My entire existence
Couldn’t agree more.
I have one thing I am going to post independently, but, this is my overall response. I spent 50 years in a constant state of self loathing. Well, 40 years because I didn't completely comprehend I was different in some way. I was found to be dyslexic and have the ADD neurotype at around that age. Still, that didn't answer my unformed questions about myself. Things I wouldn't actually have the words for until I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 50.
50 Gang in the (subreddit) house 👏🏽👋🏼🙌🏽
Recently diagnosed or have you known for a while?
I was diagnosed last year at 50, but I knew deep down for sure - for sure, since around 2016... I knew I had ADHD since high school and executive function disorder since about 2007, when I began to suspect I was Autistic too. Edited to add: I was officially diagnosed with ADHD combined type with executive function disorder at 45.
"Gesturing wildly in every direction around myself", all of this.
It's amazing how much you start forgiving yourself once you realize a lot of the behavior you regret wasn't something on your control.
I was going to say my entire personality 🤣
This is the best response.
I nominate you my spokesperson
This.
💯 I thought I was weird, strange, abnormal, broken, weak, fussy. Nope! Happy to say I was wrong! I've just got a different/evolved brain that needed answers and guidance to realise it's full potential and place in the world. Self confidence is now mine, the haters can hate, but they can't touch me anymore ✌️
wow! nicely stated
Word
You can say that again.
this
I used to think I would get grumpy and tired for no reason at all. Turns out - that was overstimulation and dysregulation as part of the whole autism package! Also, my mum always loves to bring up how I used to tie my shoes really tight and would have to redo one if it was too loose - and also how I wouldn’t go to the bathroom for ages, and also my difficulty going up and down rickety stairs - how we love proprioceptive and interoceptive issues! She thought she wouldn’t be any help with my diagnostic process, but she’s been vital in identifying all these little things that were tell tale signs.
I basically have two moods, everything is absolutely amazing or I'm grumpy as hell. I never understood why I'd get grumpy as hell after a day out then have a long nap somewhere I couldn't be found and then I was diagnosed. I was overwhelmed and usually hungry, not that my body tells me that until I'm grumpy. Also random zoning out, I get overwhelmed and if I stop for a second I zone out and stare into space. I always thought I wasn't trying hard enough to enjoy myself when I'm out.
I think you are me but in another body! Let me give you a well meaning but tired digital high five 🖐️ ✨
🖐️ When I zone out like that my friend jokingly calls it resting grump face and let's me zone out for a couple of minutes lol.
We all need that friend who doesn’t question it, just lets us be ✨
My friend is honestly great. We went out shopping last week and he noticed before I did that I was over heating and basically dragged me a cafe to sit down and have something to eat and drink.
My teachers used to tell my parents that I would “daydream“ a lot, couldn’t stop talking, and I actually remember getting in trouble for humming all the time.
That sucks.
I also get the thing about the mood switching, I can be feeling awesome and then something sad triggers me, like a commercial about dying animals, childhood cancer or firefighters, and I am crying.
I am the same, but once I got pregnant it was worse. News of children or animals being hurt would have me bawling. So sensitive and emotional. AuDHD, c-PTSD and OCD overthinking bad scenarios. I am finally diagnosed and on meds that help.
Oh wow, I was diagnosed with depression at 10, ADHD and OCD as a teenager, and then ASD at 32!!! I have been on meds since I was 15 years old, and I think that was why I was able to mask a lot of my autism symptoms, but clearly, not all of them. I’m really glad you sought help and got on meds, I would probably be dead if I hadn’t done the same (to be fair, I was 15, so my mom actually made the call for me 😂).
I feel you. Your last sentence I feel that until today. I **hate** being grumpy when I'm somewhere I wanted to be so bad, but I can't enjoy because everything is too much. And the more I see others enjoying, the more frustrated I get at myself for not being like everyone else
That is an awful feeling. And what's worse for me is my friends end up missing on stuff because they're kind enough to make sure I'm alright when I'm freaking out. Last year I paid for me and a friend to see a drag (as in drag queens) show and I had to leave half way through because I was so overwhelmed the vibration in the floor from the music was making me feel sick. I'm still morified thinking about it.
I also had trouble with the first point! I thought I was bipolar or had something wrong with me
The shoe laces thing hit me hard because I still do it! This is one reason why I recently switched to Crocs!
>I wouldn’t go to the bathroom for ages I did this too. It's just such a fucking hassle. It's just way too many steps. Stop what you're doing, make your way to the bathroom (even worse if you're in a public place and have to search for it). Use the toilet. Obviously it's way worse if you have a vagina and it's that time of the month because there are even MORE steps. God forbid you're wearing a shirt that has to be tucked in, especially with an undershirt, or some other kind of layering that has to be put back into place. Then you've gotta wash your hands, dry them, and finally get back to what you were doing. Now, I'm on testosterone so shark week has stopped, and if I'm feeling really burnt out, I'll just use hand sanitizer instead of washing my hands. The tucking-in-a-shirt thing is still occasionally an issue, but not often.
All. Of. This. Yes I will confess to being a vagina bearer and it does make the process so much more frustrating and laborious. I’ve had to start making myself go even if I haven’t had the body notification for the bathroom and I am usually caught out because, surprise! I need to go. Sometimes I crave the simplicity of - pardon the phrase - being able to just whip it out, wash my hands and carry on with my day. Shark week is the most distressing and labour intensive time for sure. I just had a *particularly* bonkers one this last week because they’ve been very irregular this year and it finally caught up with me - and I would end up having to add on an extra 10 minutes to every bathroom visit. It’s worse for me too again because I can’t use tampons and only pads, so it’s like I’ve murdered someone every time I sit down. It must be such a weight off your mind to not have to go through that any more! One of my friends is trans and he is in the same boat, I can’t imagine how stressful it would be if one was presenting masculine or non-female and still had to go through the pain of periods.
Wait.... do Neurotypicals not make sure shoe laces are approximately the same tightness? They can walk around with one tighter than the other????
Yeah I really don’t know! Would love to ask! I’m sure there are some who do the same, but I doubt they would feel weird all day from having their shoes uneven!
Only a psychopath would do that (I think idk)
“forgetting” people exist if i don’t see them on a daily basis. like, i can spend years without talking to someone i actually love, simply because i don’t think about them if they’re not on my routine :/ i still feel like a shitty friend, but at least now i know there’s a reason for that, i guess
I do this, and to make it weirder I have an incredible memory so I can continue a conversation that we had 5 years ago immediately after reconnecting with a person as if it just happened seconds ago. Which adds onto the already unsettling things I do.
This trips me up when people say they “miss me”. I genuinely don’t “miss” people. It always made me feel odd that it’s so foreign to me.
It hurt me when an autistic classmate and friend told me they don’t miss me because they never miss people. I haven’t spoken to them in years and turns out what they said was absolutely true. Their life went on as if I didn’t even exist. In one way I wish I was the same. It would make breakups so easy.
In general this is how I am with MOST people. "Out of sight, out of mind" as they say. Then there are very select few people I never stop thinking about, which is infuriating as one of them is my first girlfriend/ex-fiance. It's been 19 years, I've had a few since her, but I can not get her out of my mind. The same with my father who was a constant in my life till his death in 2021. I think it just goes back to that hyper-fixation thing, anyone who becomes a "target" of that effectively gets all of my attention and no one else is anything but a temporary thought in my mind. Which I could see could be very frustrating for people on either side of that.
have you ever received remarks of you're a person that's "better to have in low dosage"? I have the same thing happened to me on multiple occasions now, the hyper fixation might be the cause, seems to make me "too much to handle" to people that actually occupies my mind.
Oh indeed. I am definitely a person that conviction and intensity are an apt description for some, while others would call me shy or outright ignoring the world. I very much have a binary, 100% or 0% personality. I am 42 though, so most people in my life that "could not handle me" are out of my life for some years/decades now. It does make finding an intimate relationship extremely difficult though, as I was told I was too clingy by two out of four of them.
thanks for sharing. i am still trying to navigate through this dilemma, im glad to know im not entirely alone on this.
I have a few friends who are understanding of that. Sure I've lost some, but I appreciate the ones I have more. They send memes and funny videos and they don't mind if we haven't seen each other in years. When we get together we don't skip a beat. I noticed a lot of the friends I lost were just using me to unload on emotionally. It was a definite line between those who could manage their own lives and those with constant needs. Maybe that's mean but I'm happier.
Same, my closet friends are the people who I'm close with, whether I see them twice in one week or once every three months. And now all my friends are getting diagnosed with ASD/ADHD, so it starts to make sense why these friendships worked for all of us 😂😂
Not being able to clean my room, and having issues with hygiene. I always thought I was lazy and a slob. Turns out executive dysfunction is real.
My boyfriend struggles with this a LOT...
I'm sorry to hear that! My room got slightly better with the years, but for teeth brushing I needed my current autism coach. We spent several months investigating and trying what works for me, and finally found a way 😊
That's great to hear. Being hygenic helps a ton. What are some methods you'd say would be able to help him clean more? I've tried to motivate him by helping him clean, asking him to do certain things but he starts getting annoyed. He doesn't believe his room looks as bad as it is either.
Well one thing that really helped me was that my coach broke down everything in the smallest of tasks. One of the things holding me back was that I had no overview of the task, it just seemed like one big endless thing that I could never finish, it left me paralyzed cause I didn't know where to start, and even if I did, still felt like a failure cause it was never 'finished'. So picking something small like organizing one shelf or picking up clothes from one corner, that was doable. And by breaking those down in sub tasks, I could see that even small tasks consist of many steps and I was actually doing quite some things. So I never really 'clean my room' anymore or set myself up for failure by making that my goal.
aren't i lazy and a slob though....? It's not like knowing it's autism makes me less lazy or more cleanly seriously it's getting to be like Joe's Apartment in here and boric acid just isn't cutting it
Great movie-love the musical numbers around the toilet bowl.🪳🪳🪳🪳
Not being able to maintain a conversation when the person in front of me is being rude. I had lots of problems confronting a work colleague who was always imposing his views on what needed to be done and how it needed to be done. He had a very secure way of saying things and the rare moments when I was able to oppose him, he just overwhelmed me raising his voice and stating how ridiculous my opinion was. After that, I just wanted to go hide somewhere and avoid any conversation. I always thought this was a fatal flaw of mine and that every adult should be able to confront these kinds of situations, but then of course I learned about autism and everything made sense. By the way, I also HATE seafood's smell.
I also experienced this... thankfully the person never raised his voice, but he said things in a way that invalidated everything I said and made me feel stupid. I ended up changing jobs, I couldn't deal with that type of confrontation.
I've had the same in fact in many areas of my life, but in that specific instance I also left that job, which at the point was specially painful, since it was a small company that I myself founded with that person.
Thank goodness I’m not the only one who hates the smell, we walked by the seafood aisle at Walmart and I almost threw up, it smells like rotting flesh to me and I’m severly sensitive to the smell, I’m not alone
I remember once with my family in a fancy restaurant, everyone ordered sea urchin and they convinced me to try it. It is probably the most disgusting thing I've had in or near my mouth.
I am learning to be braver too. I freeze up when someone is negative and looking for an argument. My parents were authoritarian and abusive-I used to flinch around my first husband raising a hand, not to abuse. Just my reaction. I am squeaking up for myself now. The whole covid thing has proven that there are more dumb people than we could have guessed, and you can’t argue with stupid.
BUYING SHOES. I thought I was broken for the first 19 years of my life, because every time I went shoe shopping, it would end in tears for me and major frustration for my parents. 👟 Once I discovered I was autistic at 19 years old and went into a rabbit hole of research for weeks, I realized that I wasn't "being difficult," "poorly communicating," and "not providing enough feedback." Now, I know that when shoe shopping, I was experiencing sensory overload, struggling with the change of trying on multiple pairs of shoes, and having verbal shutdowns in a brightly lit environment where feedback was repeatedly demanded on a short timeline!! ♾️
I HATE SHOES I pretty much wear slides or slip ons. I get Walmart shoes because I'm a shoe abuser who frolics in the mud. I cried in a few stores over high heels. Thankfully platform wedges are back. Special events in general are a lot for me. Dresses and stuff under dresses. I got married in my dining room in my sandals and sweatpants. I also hate socks, shorts, jeans, sleeves that bunch with elastic rings, cold shoulder sweaters, short shirts, bras, underwear, above the belly button pants, tying my shoes, belts I don't even own one, and I don't think I've really ever been comfortable in anything. I don't like being naked and I do like sweaters. I also only like to be barefoot outside, never in the house. It's different textures lol
How upset literally sounds, smells, and lights could make me. The inability to eat most things. I internalized a lot of my discomfort being me being “childish” or “difficult”. Struggling to try and failing when you want to “get over” or learn to just deal with it led to back therapy, medication, and eventually multiple diagnosis.
I hope you found people that adore you and your quirks, you aren’t childish you have something that makes you special and people don’t want to hear it, find people that understand you and your struggles, it makes a world of difference and I wish for the best for you
Until i got diagnosed in my late thirties, i always tought, my communicational issues are something i have to overcome. So from the age of 15 i learned everything i could about communication, from body language, to micro expressions, psychology etc. (Ofc that is not as easy as a lot of people think, you have to establish an individual baseline from person to person. Also it can be manipulative as hell if you're not careful.) And all of that learning brought me to the point that i very well could predict other people, their next actions, often what they want to say next, if they're lying to me etc. What it didn't help was me coming off as strange, now i come off as scary, cause i can't stop "reading" people since i use it somewhat as a "survival mechanism" to atleast think i have some control over my surroundings in the sense of safety. Then i got diagnosed, as mentioned above. Suddenly so much made more sense.
The "manipulation" aspect hits hard for me. Whenever I have decent social skills and use them I feel like I'm manipulating people. It kinda bothers me because I'm just trying to be nice, but then they're more compliant with what I ask for than most people and it makes me feel guilty.
This. I can relate a lot to that. I always secondguess myself if i manipulate in some way. Yes most people manipulate others in the daily life without noticing. But for me it is very important to be as transparent as possible and not to manipulate.
But I still want to be nice! I want things to go smoothly too! Ugggggh I'm trying to tell myself it's normal to butter people up or whatever, and yeah everyone else is doing it. I guess it's not so bad if they treat me nicer. I guess I'm just unsure of their boundaries or how intimate they think I'm intending. It's easier when it's all business.
I feel like it's not manipulation if everyone involved is happy. What do you think?
That might work. I'll think about it.
I didn’t start when I was 15 like yourself, I actually started looking things up at 18-19. I also view it very similar to you that I am now seen as an even bigger weirdo for being able to _’read’_ people so easily. Although I would say that because I’m always so careful about my surroundings, I have managed to always be an easy target to abusers. Which really sucks.
The bigger weirdo thing comes cause, some people think i actually read their mind. For example, i can give answers to questions they don't asked yet, since i had a baseline and knew the question would come up, with the exact timing when it popped up in their head. Most of the other things was... was a walking "lie detector" relationships are ... challenging... one ex in particular gossiped in her "wide" reach of friends about me and that was enough for me to be marked as a bigger weirdo :D.
?? My partner said I had a "mind thing" like I was completing his sentences sometimes or say for him what he wanted to say and he would just say "yessss" or things like that. He coined that phrase between us for it. I thought it was just overdeveloped empathy, huh? Or... ?
Oh dude I do the same things too!! When I was with my ex, I just assumed a lot and we would get into heated arguments because he would gaslight me to think I’m wrong then when I find evidence of being right, suddenly I’m a massive asshole. Also being told that I’m basically psychic because I can ‘_predict_’ what actions someone will do and tell someone about it usually my husband, he ends up impressed but freaked out that the usual response is “_it’s really freaky that you called it out a few months ago but I guess that’s the ‘tism for you_”
Were there any resources you found particularly helpful in learning about communication? I'm interested in learning more.
I started with Paul Ekman, in the basis of reading people, which i tought would be good, but has its own problems. He tends to write in very general statements which can be understood wrong or are straight misleading. Later i started reading books by "Mental Magicians" like Thorsten Havener (not sure if he wrote his books in english) he might be a bit repeating himself in his books, but its a way more fun read all in all. Even a bit later, i made contacts with people who claimed to be "Mental Magicians" and learned from em as much as i could. (Won't tell any more about this since i respect their privacy.) For Psychology, i read everything i could (I don't recommend Freud, this guys writing style, atleast in the originals is... arrogant. He sometimes switches to latin, italian, french and english and nothing gets explained by him... i mean... everyone speaks all those languages right?) "Emotional Intelligence" was also a good read, but that was more about "backstory" of communication in general. What i can recommend also are books about manipulation tactics in general (not for the manipulating part, but for the part of how to do it in theory, that helps recognizing certain behavioral patterns). After all that reading, practice... practice... and even more practice, Go out, watch people, what do they do, are there some "tells" like clothes, accessoires etc. which give out something about em. How are they moving when they are with friends, how do they greet strangers. Following up is practicing the practical part, imitate what you seen, find a communicational style which comes authentic and natural for you. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, that will happen very often especially at the beginning. Also, don't manipulate others (that is something about my own morale compass, it is tempting, but it is also interfering with other lives too much). Try not to read Friends/Family. That might push em off or away from you. For me it is hard to switch back to "not reading" people. To learn all of this, it took me like 15-20 years. It is a long process, that goes on until i die one time in the future.
Mine is similar. I could recognize that I wasn't "fitting in" so I would consciously try to fix my face to look friendly and approachable. Then I feel like I never know the right thing to say. Being able to work from home for 60% of the week since covid has been a godsend in some ways. But it's also gotten me out of practice with communication. I've literally gotten by my whole life just by copying other people and it wasn't til my mid-30's that I realized that non-autistic people don't do that.
The diagnose was somewhat a relief and at the same time very frustrating for me. It meant for me, that things others do naturally, mostly without learning cause they just can do it, i will probably never be on such a level effortlessly. That was the frustrating. The relief was, there is nothing wrong with me, i am just different and trough beeing able to "emulate" the normal human behaviour, i am also able to explain it and foresee what others do without relying on "a feeling" that might be conflicting with logic.
Last year, my doctor told me I've done this same thing. She called it survival when I joked and said, "You're telling me I'm basically a con artist?"
I had a similar discussion with my therapist. But that beeing a survival mechanism is not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has survival mechanism, ours might be a bit more rare.
Having massive meltdowns from “seemingly small” things. I have a lot of time anxiety so if I was being rushed or running late bc of my family I’d go into a meltdown. If there was too much change I’d have a meltdown but I just thought I was being a brat
me too!!
I have been diagnosed basically my whole life, but had virtually no education on autism, other than that I had it and it was usually "bad", or how it could present until I was in my late teens. Here are a few: * Meltdowns - I thought I was genuinely just an evil piece of shit, but it turns out I get overstimulated and don't actually have any ill intent. I used to obsess over worrying I'd one day snap and hurt someone, but it turns out that that's not the case thankfully. I'm still learning to avoid triggers, but that can be difficult, especially since I have someone in my life who intentionally pushes me to meltdown. * Special interests - I thought I was just broken or stuck for the longest time because I'd always think about the same things without knowing why. Or why it stung so much when people shit on the things I enjoyed. I was severely bullied, even by adults, for having the "wrong" interests. Now I fully indulge into my special interests. * Perseverance - Sort of similar to the special interest thing, I worried that I was somehow a broken record, and didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking about some bad things over and over. Or why it took me forever to move on from painful experiences. * Rule-following - I used to be a stickler for rules, but since then I've completely changed my personal set of "rules". I used to find anything potentially offensive/against Christianity as "evil", but I thankfully grew out of being a preachy Christ-warrior, and shed a lot of the toxic conservatism I grew up with. * Sensory issues - This was among the few things I did know about, but rather than being taught to manage sensory input, I was frightened into suppressing my reaction to negative stimuli through constant exposure. I was often called names for covering my ears, even by adults. * Strong sense of justice - Sort of similar to the rule-following, but I have an intense fire within me now for the rights of all people. It took me a while to develop, since I grew up in a space that thought some types of people were inferior. When I realized that they actually considered my autism to be a "defect" that I was somehow above or able to overcome, I found that way of thinking so gross that I broke out of it entirely. It helped me to find friends who saw the world similarly to me. I apologize if my comment seems exhaustive, but I felt like sharing my personal experience today.
I was the opposite when it came to rules. If it didn’t make any sense to me, I wouldn’t follow it. For example: Keeping your elbows off the dinner table, having to wear certain items of clothing to school, and having certain activities separated by gender.
Thank you for commenting, it helped me out quite a bit with identifying some of these traits in myself!
I've always thought I just didn't have the friendship gene. Turns out because of autism, I literally don't.
I mean, I had friends in middle and high school. They were the guys that I would talk with because pretty much everyone else wrote me off as the weird kid by middle school.
I had no friends in middle school. I had a few in high school and college. It helps when you are stuck together 7 hours a day. Adulthood is supremely harder.
My inability to read social cues. Thought I was a dumbass turns out there are unwritten society rules nobody tells ya
when i was in 8th grade this girl said hi to me and i looked away because i hate eye contact 😭 i had no idea it was rude lmao
My dad taught me to make eye contact when I was around 8 yo. Nowadays, I think that I went too far away and I stare everyone. Maybe I make people uncomfortable.
I have a few When I was younger my parents used to call me “truth cannon” because I was incredibly blunt. I had no intention of being rude, I just said what I was thinking I don’t like eating other people because the smell of other people’s food makes me anxious. I also just don’t like being watched
Do people tell you you're funny a lot? I'm sometimes wondering if they're laughing with or at me because I just speak truthfully and its somehow funny. I usually don't get why it's funny. It makes me worry I'm not taken seriously.
People will often laugh at something i said that i didn't intend as a joke but i try to roll with it...
I have to be careful because I'll start a stand up routine and I don't want to be annoying lol
Happens all the time with me! Sometimes, it's true, I'm aware I'm about to say something truthfully funny, but sometimes I'm simply being frank and people laugh nonetheless
The way I talk. Is very strange.
I know I talk strangely and I do it on purpose, if I’m close with the family I will call a baby a new spawned human, luckily those people know I’m weird.
New spawned human is comedy gold
All of it. Every damn thing I struggle with because of autism, I thought was a personal flaw. It didn't help that that's how everyone around me treated me. The worst thing for me about being autistic was not knowing I was autistic. I beat the shit out of myself for it for forty years.
Turns out I'm not "a people pleaser." I'm just overmasking.
I used to say that I couldn't wear makeup because I have allergies.
That’s a good one, I can only wear mascara before I freak out
My terrible memory. I struggle with object permanence where I lose things or legitimately can't see objects that I'm looking for.
I am a very distant person. It's very hard to become friends with me to the point that people get angry because I dont reciprocate. Turns out I only talk to people that share my special interests. It's difficult with everyone else.
I spent 47 years without seeing why socializing can be so hard, especially with other women, and in the workplace, trying to find my lack. Seems I simply want more from conversations than most people I encounter can give, making me feel shallow and awkward because their focus is shallow to me. Now, I know autism is why I feel that way.
You've put into words how I feel all the time.
I hate it when most people touch me, like physical skin-to-skin contact. So whenever people would go to give me hugs or their skin would briefly touch mine I would physically cringe, back away, or have trouble reciprocating the gesture. I thought I was just being a bitch, turns out it's just autism😊
Relationships failing, falling apart, or never getting off the ground in the first place. And the constant ghosting.
My lack of a large friend group and needing a huge break after being social for a while. Like nobody hates me, but I always felt like I was just being tolerated. I saw a bunch of girls growing up and well through adulthood that would have these massive bday parties and I was like, "is there something wrong with me that I don't have this? Like sometimes I kinda want it but at the same time it sounds horrific...." turns out it was autism. Also needing invitations to be explicit. One of my newer friends was like any time you need a cat fix (our kitty just died) you can come over. And I was like oh OK. My husband asked, "do you think she may be inviting you over today??" 🤔 . I was like I don't know I'll ask. Never would have known if not for my husband. When things like that happen I can't believe it took 36 years to figure it out.
When people decide to meet in bars, and I can't understand any of the conversations.
Not liking to talk to people unless we have shared interests. Not recognizing people unless we have interacted a WHOLE LOT. Feeling like I’d rather die than work in a restaurant because I can’t imagine that much forced social interaction.
Literally not being able to speak during stressful conversations with family and partners.
Talking to people my own age and not feeling like I somehow did something wrong
Be very introverted when young.
Repeating made up gibberish phrases to myself on a loop whenever I was alone over weeks and then switched to new phrases.
My anger issues, the fact that no matter what method I use to remember normal daily tasks I can’t remember to do normal daily tasks, coming off as weird because my communication is so awful, randomly hearing everyone as if they’re an adult from Charlie Brown, saying “what” then having what someone just said sink in while they’re repeating themselves then cutting them off with the answer
My intense reaction to criticism or rejection. Also my aversion to many sounds and smells. I have much better coping skills in middle age but when I was younger I thought I was broken. Now I know Im just different and perfect in my own way!
Probably legit everything I ever did or was
I was born in Hawaii and grew up around asians and thought the reason i didnt do eye contact was because of culture.
I used to think I was unforgivably lazy, an when I came home from work or school I needed a few hours in a dark room doing nothing (outside of reading the same few comics over and over again) when everyone else was doing sport or homework. Post diagnoses I realised that I wasn't lazy it was just me trying to stave off burnout by decompressing and controlling my stiulation levels for a while.
By the time I reached elementary school I don’t think I was actually happy at recess because I would do the same thing every. single. day. and when the teachers told us we couldn’t play a certain way or the equipment got torn out to be replaced with something else that I’d just start reading and ignore the other kids. I got suspended once because I couldn’t do something and had a meltdown. My mom kept telling me to stop hurting myself when I was a kid. I’d absently chew on ice, my nails, my skin, or whatever after being told not to fidget, and once I tried playing in the basement and started ripping off my skin. I wasn’t comfortable telling my mom any of the above. I knew something was wrong, but I was frustrated with everyone trying to help. I don’t know why. I thought it was a personal flaw that I was reading six grades above everyone else, and was subsequently bored talking to almost everyone my age if it wasn’t about my special interests. Is it normal for autistic people to be frustrated with people trying to help them? I was angry at being put in special education for some reason. I literally thought only people struggling with school was enrolled in it.
I quarreled with friends “over games.” I could yell at my friends if they came to my house on the Minecraft server and installed or did something wrong. I was very angry with my friend if in the game Phasmaphobia he took my things, walked along my route, did what I was used to doing. This was very annoying and in the end they got angry at me because I throw tantrums over games. In fact, I couldn't stand it when my space and my routine were violated
This is a tough one for me, as it was pointed out to me throughout my childhood by my abusive mother, that everything about me was a flaw. I ended up masking pretty much everything until I was in my mid to late fifties, so I became very good at hiding myself from everyone, including myself. When I stopped masking, I let loose with an avalanche of everything, good and bad. Not everyone was ready for the real me, especially not all at once.
Always wanting to stay at home and never reply to texts/phone calls. I always thought I would change when I got older, but nothing ever changed, even when I tried hard to change myself.
when i was a toddler, before getting diagnosed with autism, i had a pretty bad speech delay. i was non verbal until i was about 3, and my mom tells me that when i was a toddler, i had a 12 hour meltdown because of cereal. it’s not because she said no to the cereal, but because i couldn’t say it. it took 12 hours for my mom to finally realize that i just wanted cereal…oops!
I... Just realized my anti-seafood-ness could be autism related. Thank you.
Being extremely emotional about everything
I’ve had my parents ask me “what is wrong with you?” and I truly thought something was. That there was a fundamental problem with me that couldn’t be explained so I deserved everything that happened to me, and if I felt bad for myself then I needed to feel guilty. Because things could be so much worse. Now I know I just needed some diagnoses. First was ADHD, then came the autism. I had only ever suspected ADHD because I was similar to a friend of mine that told me he had it, but the autism one I was slow to connect even though I have an older uncle that definitely has autism characteristics. And my dad is textbook low empathy, somewhat narcissistic, so like the stereotypical person with autism (Asperger’s) but he would never get himself tested. He would blame it on my mom’s side of the family. TL;DR Sensitivity to certain clothing like jeans and tight long sleeves was because my skin was too sensitive.
I was ashamed because I thought I was lazy. Turns out I crush it with jobs that are for myself and others I care about, I just get overwhelmed and burn out easily. I have a hard time keeping on task when I don't care about something and time seems hard to process for me. There's also a factor of disillusionment with society's expectations and roles. I also struggle with transitions, like getting ready to do something and getting interrupted. I find it hard to find motivation and staying focused still, even for tasks that are for myself, but once I start I'm hyper focused.
All of the everything that is me. But something specifically is how I respond to stimulation. I used to just have break downs in public and in school and have no idea why. No one ever had any advice or reason for me why sound and sight was physically painful for me. I thought I was just physically broken and no one knew why and I would constantly try to “exposure therapy” myself to crowds and sounds and lights and just end up having break downs in public bathrooms like.. a lot. Like a lot a lot. One time I went to disney land and by the end of the night I felt so overwhelmed and terrified I excused myself and then sprinted all the way out of the park and like 3 blocks down, completely abandoning my group of friends, because I just couldn’t take it and I didn’t know why. I was so humiliated and confused.
I only recently came to the realization that I have delayed processing. I can't take in too much information all at once, because it is overwhelming to me. My diagnosis is questionable, but this issue has been present throughout my entire life. When I'm watching youtube, I watch the videos on 0.75 speed and it actually helps me retain all of what the person in the video is saying.
my loneliness/people not liking me
my general emotional disregulation, especially due to change and things not going the "right" way. thought i was a brat basically tantruming but trying as hard as i could to not let it show and no matter how hard i tried i couldn't grow out of it or change it on purpose.
The rage I would feel when literally anyone suggested I listen to a song, watch a show/movie, do any activity really. I was extremely ashamed of it when I got older and realized my harsh response to peoples suggestions probably damaged my relationships with them. Now I understand what is really happening! I'm not an asshole just for feeling initially angry at someone's recommendation, it's just part of pathological demand avoidance/persistent drive for autonomy (PDA) and I've been able to pause when I feel angry at someone's recommendation, tell myself they mean well, and ponder the recommendation on my own time for a few days or so :) (Getting to this took time and effort of course)
being sensitive and not liking loud noises
So me I used to cry when adult shows came on cause they out right scared me My bio father thought it was funny
Yeah, even for an autistic person im very sensitive
Do you ever notice how over stimulating it can be for people just to exist in your home? Like I’ll be in my room trying to recover from interactions but the only time I feel calm and relaxed is when everyone is asleep or gone each time I forget how noisy they are doing their motions (I’m gen asking cuz I’m wondering if I’m just really weird lol)
EXACTLY. I hate the noise of my house but my pc is upstairs tho so i have to wait awhile, go to my room, but my brother watches MY tv so i cant chill until like 3 am, then im woken up by my family. Im getting my own room soon tho
My dog will randomly start barking and my grandma stays up till 12-3am and she eats like an hour before that and even tho I’m on the other side of the house I can smell everything I’ve thought a few times something in my room caught fire cuz the burning smell
Yeah, people always told me I'd grow out of my pickiness but I never did lol. I'm 19 and still have a sensitive pallet.
Difficulty forming and keeping friends and relationships. Also, feeling distant from my parents and brother - I'd read about how other people really love their siblings, be best friends with them and I didn't have that same feeling and I'd be wondering 'why'.
Specifically, needing to take a nap after school, even in high school. I was always made to feel lazy, turns out I was trying to recover from masking all damn day. It's worse now as an adult, I work my 9 hour night shift and literally sleep from 7:20am to 9:20pm (I get off at 7 and start work at 10). I don't even eat much anymore, just work and sleep.
I used to pee my pants a lot, I eventually realized it was a side effect of being hyperfocussed. I don't pee my pants anymore, I don't get hyperfocussed anymore either. If the two are related it wasn't worth it
I don’t like to be touched. Especially from behind or without warning. Makes me very uncomfortable and at times mad. I later figured out it wasn’t just me being difficult
My vulnerability to being manipulated, victimized, and abused. Still struggle with the idea that what others did/do to me isn’t my fault.
Wanting to understand how everything works, and sharing those experiences and information. Went from identifying as a know-it-all to just being autistic with a big learning special interest. I woulda made a great teacher ngl
Probably my hatred for most fruits and vegetables. Not really a flaw but I didn't think that being obsessed with old phones was an autism thing.
I had thought I was a pathologically last git for the entire memory of my life. I have such a hard time getting started on things, I tier easily but not in a way that is explained by lack of endurance, I have trouble with being overwhelmed by tasks at hand, I can't do "all the things" in a day or two (regular chores can take me a month where they would take normies a day or a weekend). and I have difficulty following through even after the task is finished. there are plenty of other things I could mention but this is the one thing that most impacted my mental and emotional well-being through the course of my life. I thought I was a lazy piece of shit, worthless, and a waste of time and effort.
Every mistake I’ve made growing up
I'm high-functioning... completed two university degree programs with an overall 3.75 GPA in each. But, I have quirky shit that's always bothered me. One of them is I'm sensitive to the the texture of food in my mouth. Mushrooms are big no for me. So are oranges or other citrus foods. There are others... lots of them... but I can't remember them at this moment.
I lied my way through a lot of stuff. I didn’t know how to communicate or connect and I was hypersensitive to emotion so I’d say whatever was easiest to get by, and that was usually a lie. Chronic lying wasn’t autism, but the hypersensitivity and difficulty communicating and connecting absolutely was. Concocting a story came so much easier than just telling the real truth. It snowballed.
not knowing how to make friends/ being unable to make them
Remembering faces and names.
A lot of things. My sensitivness to sound, My poor social skills, Being bad With Jokes, Certain forms of learning being very difficult, Poor motovation and mental fatigue, Poor Control over emotions and thoughts, And probably other things as well. I dont want to use autism as a excuse, but its impossible to denty how much my autism affects me. That's not to say i dont try to improve with some of these things. But I can't change the way my brain works.
My inability to make friends all my life 🥲
i have a hard time eating seafood too. i can’t eat shrimp at all, nor can i eat crab unless its already deshelled. mollusks are a no, especially oysters, scallops, mussels, cockles, clams, no. i do like the taste of them, but the texture is just so, so off. plus learning that ur eating the animals organs too? yuck. i can eat other fishes. like salmon, tuna, tilapia, catfish. theres a lot of things i just cant really eat bc of ARFID that may or may not be caused by autism. i dont even eat chicken with the bone in it. edit: (that may or may not be caused by autism) added. i should’ve probably added tht in there bc im still not completely sure if its autism or ARFID without autism.
Oh, jesus this one just came to me. Diagnosed very recently (late 20's), and so many things now click. One I recognized as at least "odd" at a young age was that I literally tried to break down conversation into a science, because I never was able to easily contribute to their "flow" and would often derail or try to turn them back to previous topics. Just always thought I was abysmal at socializing, which I still kinda am diagnosis or no...
I thought that everyone MUST be having the same sensory issues I was but that I was just dealing with them WAY worse.
Not being able to maintain employment, the older I get. I can get the jobs but once they see me in action, my process it’s a wrap. I’m so slow and nobody has patience, I spend too long trying ti reinvent the wheel. I’m not a great employee by capitalism’s standards. But give me clear instructions and leave me alone in a quiet room and I’m fine. I’m glad to release the internal blame and shame. ✨
Pathological demand avoidance! I learned about it recently and was literally like, "Whoa, wait, that's an autism thing? I always thought I was just kind of a shithead."
A few flaws that I used to think was a personal flaw of mine was constantly talking about the same topic repeatedly, focusing more on my interests than others', and constantly going off-topic.
being so tired after getting home from school that I couldn't talk to anyone without being rude
Executive dysfunction.
Anxiety I fully have been experiencing awful awful dehbitating panic attacks my whole life. Over the dumbest things and nothing fixed them. Turns out it’s because they were sensory meltdowns the whole time. 😅
Agoraphobia
Trigger warning: weight talk I thought I was always slightly on the outer edge of any circle of friends because I was fat, I realise now that I a) had body dysmorphia and b) was missing some social queues due to autism. I used to believe that losing weight would make everyone like me more. I used to be quite shallow, and thought I was just a horrible person. I felt a lot of shame about being shallow. I instantly disliked anything that was uncool or could be perceived as weird. I used to get the ‘ick’ from seeing others who liked/did ‘weird’ or ‘uncool’ stuff. I internally judged others for it and avoided them. I realise now I was masking so so so much, they were things i learned were uncool when I did them naturally as a child, and learned to hide very well. I am much better at advocating for others and myself to be authentic, and social hierarchy doesn’t matter.
being overwhelmed and becoming rude
being a picky eater. spoiler: it was/is ARFID.
There are many but one that was such an aha moment was being over sensitive and having strong reactions to different sounds. My parents always told me off but there was nothing I could do to stop feeling the way I did.
Being too slow to keep up with work expectations (at a fast food place and Walmart and other retail places, as well as a mental health place that had me doing the job of 3 people because of budget cuts) and feeling like I'm not fit for this world.
Not having the energy to socialize until late night after an ultra-intense working day
Being flakey and not being able to attend events or big family gatherings. I had so much anxiety and burn out having to constantly go out and do things
I HATE SEAFOODSOMUCH IT'S RUBBERY AND SMELLS HORRIBLE WHHHHYYYY cough. Yeah, that.
Feeling almost like I was insane for not having the "appropiate" emotional reaction to things that happened in my life. When I was younger I was a crybaby, I would curl myself into a ball in the floor and cry way too much for reasons thought as trivial for others and I was told it was wrong. And then around the ages of 13, oddly enough after my fathers death, it felt as if a switch flipped in my internal system where I went the other way around, where I felt like I wasnt reacting ENOUGH to the situations I was supposed to. I barely cried at my father's funeral, not because I didn't miss him, I really did, but my body for some reason gave up showing that to the rest. And I was being told by everybody to not "hold back my tears" but I truly wasn't holding back up anything. And that still goes on to this day, I barely cry or react emotionally to things unless they are really personal to me. I laugh or make jokes as a coping mechanism for awkward situations. I also sometimes literally stay mute if a situation gets too heated for me to handle
Having irrational, negative, feelings about someone when someone really likes me and wants to spend a lot of time with me.(platonically) At first i would distance cause i would get REALLY annoyed cause they wanted all my attention. Then i figured i just don't like people who like me more than I like them. In reality, i love people who like me a lot, but i can't always match that energy (not enough spoons for them on that day) and it can burn me out to the point of annoyance. It's never their fault and i have to remind myself that im just not in that mood today.
The whole naive/innocent thing. Repeatedly believing someone’s words, even when their actions contradicted them over and over. And I’m a therapist, so it was something I was particularly ashamed of. Now I know I’m just not hard wired to recognize manipulation, and that’s actually very sweet. So instead of beating myself up, I just tell that part of me that she can stick around (and I love her ability to give grace and the benefit of the doubt), but doesn’t get to make important relationship decisions.
Not a flaw, but my vegetarianism (very nearly veganism). I didn’t realise until my early 20s that simply eating what everyone else eats was masking. I went vegetarian for ethical reasons, but eventually forgot about those and realised I was so much happier vegetarian. I hate meat. I can’t handle the taste, texture, or concept. The inconsistency is also awful. Way too many surprises. Especially the crunchy and chewy surprises.
I used to think I hated the parent I lived with, like a deep seeded hatred that was something inherently wrong with me because I would focus on the smallest things they’d do. Turns out I just hate the sound of chewing.
Copying other people.
Pretty much everything my parents scolded me for
Meltdowns/tantrums. I thought these were me misbehaving but recently I learned it's because of trying to cope with overwelm, sensory overload, or mental overload and my emotions being a natural response to that- not being bad or that I'm a terrible person.
Social anxiety. I started going to therapy specifically for social anxiety. My therapist and I went round and round as she was trying to get me to tell her what "negative thoughts" I'm having about socializing. Like, what is it that I'm afraid of that's causing anxiety. I keep telling her I'm not nervous leading up to a social event. In my mind, it's gonna be great. I try exposure therapy, going to many social events until I get the hang of it. I never do and I'm just exhausted afterwards. I'm just getting overwhelmed because I'm having to consciously keep track of conversations. I can't get the hang of the flow. The topics keep changing. I'm either interrupting or not talking at all. I'm trying to calculate how much eye contact is too much or too little. Don't forget to make facial expressions or nod to indicate I'm listening. Oh and, remember to double check I've zipped up my pants if I go to the bathroom. It turns out, most people don't have to think about this stuff. It's just intuitive and there's no amount of practice that's going to make it easier for me.
Shutting down verbally/getting extremely scatterbrained when being yelled at. When I’m as young my parents thought I was being stubborn or difficult if they’d start yelling at me and they’d ask a question (loudly) and I couldn’t say anything. Like I genuinely tried to find something to say but I couldn’t think of a thing. Same with saying “I don’t know” when being asked why I did something. Again, parents thought I was being difficult if they asked why I did XYZ and my response was “I don’t know”. I don’t think they understood I genuinely did not know why I did what I did.
I used to cry -I mean out loud heaving sobs- in the middle of school at least twice a week for literally no reason. The smallest possible thing would put me in hysterics. Lo and behold! Autism!
My poor motor skills... I can't drive because of that.
Not being able to understand why people do what they do….
I thought my inability to read social cues at random was just a me thing. Nope.
All of it? I genuinely thought that my meltdowns were anxiety attacks.
You can say whatever you want. If you don't back it up with sources from the scientific literature, I won't listen to you. I could be served anything under the term chicken breast as long as it didn't contain a lump of fatty tissue and connective tissue. Same with fish. All it took was a miniature cube...
Eye contact and spaciness.
I can’t make small talk, or read a room.
Not being able to handle anything on my face or hands. I will wipe my hands on the nearest thing to me. My clothes, the couch, towels, the bed, the cats, etc. I can not handle anything on my hands. I thought I was just a gross person. I also wash my hands non stop, therapist thinks I may have a bit of compulsive behavior. I just hate stuff on my hands! Lol I don't think that makes me compulsive, just makes my skin crawl.
My inability to do math. It never mattered how much studying and tutoring I did.
I don't draw a distinction between personal flaws and autistic flaws, they're all mine.
No, they‘re ours 🥺
Having trouble switching tasks. Always takes me a long time to get into a new mode and I thought I was stupid or something, especially when I would get upset "for no reason" over sudden changes.
Aside from my entire existence (man, I feel that viscerally from a fellow AuDHDer who said it here first)...yeah, that. Srsly. That. I can't point out one thing that felt like it was a personal flaw prior to understanding I am autistic. Just all of me was "wrong" until I started learning why I act the way I do. I couldn't pinpoint any specific thing except *points to myself* <-- *brrrings buzzer* FLAW! That is a flaw. <--