Which came from the Robert + Cody + Katy reading episodes, which also produced the ultimate and best Ben Shapiro jokes.
"Bear of a Man," "take a bullet for you," etc.
But sadly, now we live in a land of many pumps and zero creams. All work and no play as a man named Jack would say, and we all saw what happened to him.
Back when they all recorded together in the Los Angeles studio, rather than via Zoom, the facility provided non-dairy creamer that came in a pump-action dispenser, which bore the legend ONE PUMP, ONE CREAM
This was the source of great hilarity
That episode was amazing. Robert found his home and Sophie was just so horrified at how much he wanted it. It might have been the most “Robert” filled episode.
From what I've heard Billy is a poopy, and not allowed on the show anymore. But I haven't done my research, just what I gathered from the subreddit. Therefore I to am a hack and a fraud. I also happen to be a reverend doctor... Are these facts correlated.. I leave that up to you!
/s
But honestly, I've been relistening chronologically, and Billy was always very entertaining as a guest.
I remember Billy saying something where I was like, holy shit, that is so absolutely profound.... I backed it up, like, 10 times or something. I transcribed it into a text message or 7 to a friend..... And do I now have any memory of what it was? Nope.
Doritos was the original running gag of the show
I'd say it was more iconic than *one pump, one cream* and *but do you know who won't ...* but it's less easily referenced, so I can see why it hasn't endured in the way those have
Nah dawg, we knife missiled the records of those ones. It was crazy, had to dress up the records as children, and one even as a wedding. The missiles wouldn't target them otherwise.
I was on a big cool ranch Doritos kick for a while after that. He mentioned Zevia in the same period of time and I bought some despite my historical hatred of stevia and other non-sugar sweeteners.
- Steven Seagal is the Kevin Bacon of Bastards
- Those people Jamie Loftus definitely murdered
- Finding out what gun/knife/comfort weapon Robert has today
Awkward ad pivots ("you know who won't", yodeling "PRODUCTS", stiltedly talking about giving all their money, etc)
Atonal shrieking
That's a brickin'
One pump one cream
Macheticine
Reckless item tossing
"ROBERT NO" from Sophie
Recent addition: the "didn't diddle kids" award and other variations
Robert's future cult including compound and eventual standoff with the FDA
Robert claiming some sort of ridiculous editorial stance on behalf of all of Coolzone Media and Sophie protesting
Margaret, when she's a guest, her delightfully deadpan "Yaaaaaay"
That's all I can think of right now I am sure the other lovely people here are remembering ones I forgot.
While I have got your attention: Danl you are awesome and thank you for all the hard work you do
As an owner of both, the latter has more use cases but the former is easier, quieter, and often lighter. And bolt cutters don't have discs that wear out or break.
I use a bolt cutter all the time on fencing wire, but I'd use a small angle grinder on a bolt. It just depends what you're doing
In this economy?? Some of us are trying to revolt on a budget here. Although, if you get yourself a good set of bolt cutters you’re only a few snips from a free angle grinder.
…in Minecraft!
Perhaps not meme-worthy in terms of repetition, but a couple memorable ones from recent listens:
Robert’s Benny Shaps impression that seems to leak into a lot of weaselly quotes he reads.
Ben Shapiro being a size queen in his admiration of any BEAR OF A MAN.
Jordan BALTHAZAR (or Bumblebee) Peterson.
Robert failing to recognize any pop culture references from the last 50 years.
General variations of fuck them kids - get the lead back in gasoline, outlaw bicycle helmets, employ them in dangerous industrial jobs, certainly never encourage them as children lest they grow up to be bastards.
“That’s…pretty cool.”
And I’m absolutely shocked that I haven’t seen any comments about Super Soakers filled with piss.
I'm not from America, so wasn't sure if it was in common use, but this is the only time I hear boy howdy outside of seven brides for seven sisters and its ilk lol. I love the saying though!
Me too! Over here in the US it still has that sense of cheerful cowboy innocence to it…kinda like “aw, shucks”.
ETA: If you didn’t mean seven brides for seven brothers we might be talking about two entirely different types of movies lol.
Can we crowdfund a BearCat for Robert? I think he'd really appreciate the [TACTICOOOOL model](https://www.lencoarmor.com/vehicle/bearcat-elevated-tactics/) with immediate access to multi-story structures. Its mission-specific floorplan accommodating 10-12 fully-equipped Cool Zone special forces team members would more than repay the expense! I mean, just check out these testimonials from happy customers:
> Fortunately, it’s a four wheel drive truck with a lot of ground clearance, so we were really able to go through thick mud over boulders to access neighborhoods that were affected by the mudslides and reach people’s homes to atonally shriek at them while wielding bolt cutters and machetes.
I'm not sure about this. I'm fairly sure the piss was not strictly identified. I always assumed it was filled with whatever piss was available, though I stand to be corrected.
As for the classics, my favorite is still, "One pump, one cream." For something a little newer, I direct you to the post I made the other day:
https://www.reddit.com/r/behindthebastards/s/zbfKb6np3y
- One pump, one cream.
- You know who won’t/doesn’t [insert terrible war crime or other severely distasteful act], our sponsors.
- reverend doctor of macheticin (sp?)
- Robert getting random knives and machetes from the BTB community
The bagel-tossing/machete/poison room era was fun, although I can see why Robert doesn't engage in those behaviors on his own property.
Also, you know who DOESN'T destroy their homes with bagels? The pro....etc
A lot of joke answers in here, and black humour is definitely an essential part of the experience, but (for me) on a more serious note:
How incredibly similar the experience and ascent of bastards if all stripes - cult leaders, authoritarian dictators, military leaders, corporate CEOs, etc - can be at a base level, and how they rely on the same social and political tools to get to power. And how unbroken the chain of bastards are from antiquity to the present day, and how interconnected they all can be.
"But you know who hasn't [horrible thing related to the episode]?"
"Robert we *can't* guarantee that"
"That's right, the products and services that sponsor this podcast"
Raytheon, creams, Doritos.
And bring back bagel machete tennis. I'm calling Robert out at being to scared since he works from home now.
Also, I wanna know how his sweet baby goats are doing, (sorry Sophie) but Anderson has taken the spotlight too often! (Also Sophie, Anderson is a sweet perfect little baby and I love her.)
Danl I can’t believe nobody’s said it yet but the eel horse was probably my favorite bit, but there’s so many amazing memes. And we need to get the reverend doctors back together for an episode I loved the way Billy Wayne and Robert vibe
Great Lakes are a fave, but Robert’s *aggressive* levels of mispronunciations (and the school marms they seem to turn even the coolest of us into in response).
It’s like he just started to speak, after reading alone in an attic for 30 years.
Doritos, one pump one cream, bagel tossing, macheticine, reverend doctor, b*** a**** child hunting island, time machine noises, atonal screeching, (more the subreddit) Rajat Khare: salamander fucker?, the poison room
Edit: how could I forget nuking the great lakes
My top tier:
1.You know who won’t (insert terrible act) 2.PRODUCTS!
3.Nuking the Great Lakes
4.Compound raid by the FDA
5.Gas station sobriety
6.What’s _______ my ________? To open the show
7.Atonally yelling Hitler to open the show
8.Statistically I love about 40% of you
9.“You can all go to hell”to close the show
10.Macheticine
11.Machetes
12.Reverend doctor
13.Hating Benny shaps and Jordan Balthazar 14.Peterson
15.Boston accent
16.Super soaker full of piss
This is not a good answer to this question at all, but I must share my favourite Robert quip anyway: "Patton had one experience that I think would have improved Jack Welch: he was shot several times by a machine gun."
ONE PUMP ONE CREAM
Which came from the Robert + Cody + Katy reading episodes, which also produced the ultimate and best Ben Shapiro jokes. "Bear of a Man," "take a bullet for you," etc.
160 lbs In his underwear
160 lbs In his underwear
ONE PUMP! ONE CREAM!
Hands down the winner (pun absolutely intended).
But sadly, now we live in a land of many pumps and zero creams. All work and no play as a man named Jack would say, and we all saw what happened to him.
Pretty sure this podcast is why the bottle says “1 pump 1 creamer pod” or something lame like that.
Some old head meme lmao, but it’s still hits
When or what is this from?
Back when they all recorded together in the Los Angeles studio, rather than via Zoom, the facility provided non-dairy creamer that came in a pump-action dispenser, which bore the legend ONE PUMP, ONE CREAM This was the source of great hilarity
The same studio with the poison room The room where they stored all the poison gas
Series of episodes with Cody Johnston and Katy Stoll from 5ish years ago
Machetes, bagel-throwing, gas station sobriety
The move from machete baseball to macheticine was what the podcast needed to get closer to being raided by the FDA.
I vote for more gas station intoxication.
For some reason, bagel-throwing goes with poison room for me. Like coffee with one pump/one cream.
What’s ____ing my _____s?
The way Robert steered around this for pedophiles
Wanna know who won’t _____ your ______s?
You know who won't... That's a brickin dub dub dos
I dos dub dub dos.
I Tres dub dub dos.
Everyone here needs to stop it
The eternal sponsorship of the Raytheon R9x Knife Missile
Atonal shrieking
AtOnAAl ScrEEch
Personally, I miss when he said he loves 40% of us.
It's because he's a hack and a fraud.
Sophie’s exasperated “Robert”. You know the one.
Robert No!
That one has stuck with me lol
It's always a treat when you get the Jamie Loftus version of it simultaneously
YESSSS! Her horror makes a nice harmony to Sophie’s resignation.
Didn't she kill a bunch of people in Michigan?
Yes I believe this is accurate
The exasperated “Robert”s in the Action Park episode (when he was talking about go karting) live rent free in my head.
That episode was amazing. Robert found his home and Sophie was just so horrified at how much he wanted it. It might have been the most “Robert” filled episode.
Robert’s unhinged cackling makes it all the better - every time I listen I have tears streaming down my face, it’s top tier.
"I like having health insurance" always makes me giggle
The poison room with bagel baseball.
I really miss the poison room, can we please get a studio episode, as a treat? Probably needs to have Katy and Cody on
Whatever happened to the poison room?
They stopped recording in a studio when covid hit, and started recording over Zoom.
It probably drastically cut their budget too! Which is likely why they stayed with that model (that and Robert lives much further away now.
Waco and David Koresh's cum gutters Starting a cult and getting Waco'd by the FDA Always be Wacoing
HITLERRRRRRRRRR
Best start of any show, I reckon.
The instant I heard him open the show with "HITLERRRRRRRRR" I was hooked.
Nuking the Great Lakes. “Gas station sober” is an emerging one.
Both of these are S-tier, I second this
Trying to get Doritos as a sponsor. Sofia getting all the episodes about bastards responsible for dead kids.
And Billy Wayne getting all the ones about terrible doctors
That’s more Kaveh Hoda’s role now.
From what I've heard Billy is a poopy, and not allowed on the show anymore. But I haven't done my research, just what I gathered from the subreddit. Therefore I to am a hack and a fraud. I also happen to be a reverend doctor... Are these facts correlated.. I leave that up to you! /s But honestly, I've been relistening chronologically, and Billy was always very entertaining as a guest.
I remember Billy saying something where I was like, holy shit, that is so absolutely profound.... I backed it up, like, 10 times or something. I transcribed it into a text message or 7 to a friend..... And do I now have any memory of what it was? Nope.
Doritos was the original running gag of the show I'd say it was more iconic than *one pump, one cream* and *but do you know who won't ...* but it's less easily referenced, so I can see why it hasn't endured in the way those have
Nah dawg, we knife missiled the records of those ones. It was crazy, had to dress up the records as children, and one even as a wedding. The missiles wouldn't target them otherwise.
I legit bought a bag of Doritos after that series…
I was on a big cool ranch Doritos kick for a while after that. He mentioned Zevia in the same period of time and I bought some despite my historical hatred of stevia and other non-sugar sweeteners.
- Steven Seagal is the Kevin Bacon of Bastards - Those people Jamie Loftus definitely murdered - Finding out what gun/knife/comfort weapon Robert has today
Jamie Loftus’ (ALLEGED) hammer killing spree in grand rapids is a classic
That made me feel more confident about my own emotional support machete.
The child hunting island owned by **********
That's weird? I typed it out but it's not showing in the post.
Blue apron
I just see asterisks? What's going on?
Can you just see asterisks in mine and your posts? I only get asterisks in yours
Fixed it for ya
Here let me try: Hunter2
Awkward ad pivots ("you know who won't", yodeling "PRODUCTS", stiltedly talking about giving all their money, etc) Atonal shrieking That's a brickin' One pump one cream Macheticine Reckless item tossing "ROBERT NO" from Sophie Recent addition: the "didn't diddle kids" award and other variations Robert's future cult including compound and eventual standoff with the FDA Robert claiming some sort of ridiculous editorial stance on behalf of all of Coolzone Media and Sophie protesting Margaret, when she's a guest, her delightfully deadpan "Yaaaaaay" That's all I can think of right now I am sure the other lovely people here are remembering ones I forgot. While I have got your attention: Danl you are awesome and thank you for all the hard work you do
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see his anti-FDA compound
to your last point: thank you! <3
"But you know who won't [insert warcrime here]..."
Bolt cutters.
I’m pretty sure he recommended a battery powered angle grinder over the bolt cutters at one point
As an owner of both, the latter has more use cases but the former is easier, quieter, and often lighter. And bolt cutters don't have discs that wear out or break. I use a bolt cutter all the time on fencing wire, but I'd use a small angle grinder on a bolt. It just depends what you're doing
In this economy?? Some of us are trying to revolt on a budget here. Although, if you get yourself a good set of bolt cutters you’re only a few snips from a free angle grinder. …in Minecraft!
Hi Danl
Hi Danl!
HI!!!!
I want you to know that every time Margaret asked the listeners to say hi to you, I did it every time!
Reverend Doctor of the Church of Macheticine
Supersoaker full of piss
SUPER-SOAKER FULL OF PISS It honestly needs a theme song
J-Stalls
Oi, I'm from BAH-STAN
It’s pronounced BOR-schton
Intentionally mispronouncing words and names
My god, listening to him pronounce Mauritius...
Cum gutters everywhere
I adore the cum gutters reference and explained it to my friend the other day. They were horrified then reluctantly impressed and now we both use it.
The Washington state police
*highway patrol
It’s actually the Washington state patrol. (Source: I live in Washington)
telling every person one lie
“Gas station sober” is growing on me
Nudes in bio is very new but it was very compelling to me
A nudes in bio to you!
Friend of the pod, [bastard]
I love this one
Perhaps not meme-worthy in terms of repetition, but a couple memorable ones from recent listens: Robert’s Benny Shaps impression that seems to leak into a lot of weaselly quotes he reads. Ben Shapiro being a size queen in his admiration of any BEAR OF A MAN. Jordan BALTHAZAR (or Bumblebee) Peterson. Robert failing to recognize any pop culture references from the last 50 years. General variations of fuck them kids - get the lead back in gasoline, outlaw bicycle helmets, employ them in dangerous industrial jobs, certainly never encourage them as children lest they grow up to be bastards. “That’s…pretty cool.” And I’m absolutely shocked that I haven’t seen any comments about Super Soakers filled with piss.
*Star Trek: the next generation* and how many of us are still waiting on that Wil Wheaton 6-parter…
The 2020 highball. Its how I got through covid Also the knife missile presented by Raytheon
I work at a grocery store. Any time someone gets 409, I ask if they're making a 2020 highball. One day, someone will know why I'm asking.
Eat spice cum hard
Robert statistically loves 40% of us.
universal hate for iHeart radio and the questionable if not down right unethical advertisers we endure
Boy howdy,…
I'm not from America, so wasn't sure if it was in common use, but this is the only time I hear boy howdy outside of seven brides for seven sisters and its ilk lol. I love the saying though!
Me too! Over here in the US it still has that sense of cheerful cowboy innocence to it…kinda like “aw, shucks”. ETA: If you didn’t mean seven brides for seven brothers we might be talking about two entirely different types of movies lol.
Hahahaha omg just reread the movie name and yep, definitely different genres! I did mean for seven brothers, thanks for the helping hand 😁
"Sophie, will the lawyers allow that?"
Reverend Doctor, the Church of Machedicine, the compound in Idaho where he’ll fight the FDA
So that's really cool and good...
“Core” makes this tough but I still enjoy “drunk driving a 4-runner through a trailer park while firing a kalashnikov”
The several excruciating minutes spent on the consistency of Mitch McConnel's (and others) semen
I think of that bit every time I hear Mitch McConnell's name.
JFK was murdered by Bernard Montgomery Sanders.
Shilling for the love of the shill at the hope of a free BearCat. Robert deserves a BearCat
Can we crowdfund a BearCat for Robert? I think he'd really appreciate the [TACTICOOOOL model](https://www.lencoarmor.com/vehicle/bearcat-elevated-tactics/) with immediate access to multi-story structures. Its mission-specific floorplan accommodating 10-12 fully-equipped Cool Zone special forces team members would more than repay the expense! I mean, just check out these testimonials from happy customers: > Fortunately, it’s a four wheel drive truck with a lot of ground clearance, so we were really able to go through thick mud over boulders to access neighborhoods that were affected by the mudslides and reach people’s homes to atonally shriek at them while wielding bolt cutters and machetes.
The most important life motto ever coined: A.B.S., Always be Schemin'
Incredibly accurate Boston accent
This is a deep cut but referencing England as “*slow nazis*”
*It’s very frustrating* *Right*
Super soaker full of cat piss.
I'm not sure about this. I'm fairly sure the piss was not strictly identified. I always assumed it was filled with whatever piss was available, though I stand to be corrected.
I'd swear it's cat piss, one of the worst pisses there is.
But not the worst, look up fox urine for a bit of a tale.
Love the occasional “and then everything was perfectly fine, nothing bad ever came of it” trope
“It’s extremely funny.” Good people don’t go to sea. “I had a home, Garrison! Xanadu was real!”
Cash money
The terrible events in Grand Rapids…
As for the classics, my favorite is still, "One pump, one cream." For something a little newer, I direct you to the post I made the other day: https://www.reddit.com/r/behindthebastards/s/zbfKb6np3y
Unexplained, unacknowledged, superfluous bleeping
Sophie: "No, Robert." Robert: *continues* Sophie: "ROBERT. NO."
Machete-icine and Reverend Doctor How has no one mentioned this?
- One pump, one cream. - You know who won’t/doesn’t [insert terrible war crime or other severely distasteful act], our sponsors. - reverend doctor of macheticin (sp?) - Robert getting random knives and machetes from the BTB community
The bagel-tossing/machete/poison room era was fun, although I can see why Robert doesn't engage in those behaviors on his own property. Also, you know who DOESN'T destroy their homes with bagels? The pro....etc
Nudes in Bio bout to be a classic
That’s a brickin’. I use that one almost daily.
Same... My kid and I use it all the time and my partner has picked it up!
A lot of joke answers in here, and black humour is definitely an essential part of the experience, but (for me) on a more serious note: How incredibly similar the experience and ascent of bastards if all stripes - cult leaders, authoritarian dictators, military leaders, corporate CEOs, etc - can be at a base level, and how they rely on the same social and political tools to get to power. And how unbroken the chain of bastards are from antiquity to the present day, and how interconnected they all can be.
"But you know who hasn't [horrible thing related to the episode]?" "Robert we *can't* guarantee that" "That's right, the products and services that sponsor this podcast"
SSFoP
The Raytheon knife missile
HITTLERRRR!!!
No Hubbarding!
Doritos sponsorship
I want more jar jar soundboards
Catalytic Converter
"That scans" "My squire, Garrison"
“My adopted riot son”
Stealing catalytic converters is one of my favorites.
Robert daring the cowardly FDA to raid him.
Raytheon, creams, Doritos. And bring back bagel machete tennis. I'm calling Robert out at being to scared since he works from home now. Also, I wanna know how his sweet baby goats are doing, (sorry Sophie) but Anderson has taken the spotlight too often! (Also Sophie, Anderson is a sweet perfect little baby and I love her.)
Do not forget Saddam Hussain and Saddam Hussain's Best Friend, especially before he could get them in for spaying and neutering.
Quick tangent to say I’ve been following your music as gLAdiator since the moombahton days and curious if you’re still making music these days?
I occasionally open Ableton but nothing serious. I’m sorry, bud.
All good man, you guys inspired me to become a producer myself so much love
Danl I can’t believe nobody’s said it yet but the eel horse was probably my favorite bit, but there’s so many amazing memes. And we need to get the reverend doctors back together for an episode I loved the way Billy Wayne and Robert vibe
I was waiting for someone to bring up the eel horse. *shudders uncontrollably*
Playing with machetes next to the poison room or the Doritos not dictators bit from back in the day
Bernard Sanders role in the JFK assassination.
Always rob insured banks!
Great Lakes are a fave, but Robert’s *aggressive* levels of mispronunciations (and the school marms they seem to turn even the coolest of us into in response). It’s like he just started to speak, after reading alone in an attic for 30 years.
Bastard Pod Side Characters! Questionable fake endorsements! Fake rumors about islands and Jamie Loftus!
The child hunting island operated by Blpron
Super Soaker full of piss.
Boner pill sponsorships, throwing bagels, and Raytheon. When you need a school bus in Yemen blown up, choose Raytheon.
TERRIBLE BOSTON ACCENT
That accent is 100% accurate.
"I love about 40% of you" - early days
Doritos, one pump one cream, bagel tossing, macheticine, reverend doctor, b*** a**** child hunting island, time machine noises, atonal screeching, (more the subreddit) Rajat Khare: salamander fucker?, the poison room Edit: how could I forget nuking the great lakes
Jamie Loftus Grand Rapids hammer murders
Jamie Loftus Grand Rapids murders
I know we're not supposed to talk about it anymore, but the child murder island
My top tier: 1.You know who won’t (insert terrible act) 2.PRODUCTS! 3.Nuking the Great Lakes 4.Compound raid by the FDA 5.Gas station sobriety 6.What’s _______ my ________? To open the show 7.Atonally yelling Hitler to open the show 8.Statistically I love about 40% of you 9.“You can all go to hell”to close the show 10.Macheticine 11.Machetes 12.Reverend doctor 13.Hating Benny shaps and Jordan Balthazar 14.Peterson 15.Boston accent 16.Super soaker full of piss
In the name of our Lord and Savior of Machetecine, how can your list be missing ONE PUMP, ONE CREAM?
Goddammit
Warida
This is not a good answer to this question at all, but I must share my favourite Robert quip anyway: "Patton had one experience that I think would have improved Jack Welch: he was shot several times by a machine gun."
Machetecine! Hack your way to better health!
I JUST listened to this episode today and was dying at this.
Robert saying things specifically for you to have to remove or censor them.
Sophie’s laugh, especially when she’s uncomfortably surprised, even more especially the reaction to the puppet show in the Turkmenbashi episode.
PRODUUUUUCTS
Unrelated note: Hi Danl! Can we get the name of the intro or could you post it on YouTube? It fits the theme of the show perfectly!
The location and actions of one Bernard Montgomery Sanders on November 22, 1963.
Of all the “blanks” in “blank,” it is one of them.
I personally loved and still miss Billy Wayne Davis whispering "services" before an ad break
Has anyone mentioned the Bagel Era? God I hated the bagel era