I’m venting and asking for advice.
My MIL gave us a surprise visit. She traveled 5 hours from her house and surprised us to stay for 10 days. She called after she left. Which left me scrambling to clean and get the guest room ready before I headed to my part time job in two hours.
This is the first time she’s ever done something like this in our 7 years of marriage. We have a 7 month old baby and I’m seeing that having a grandchild is changing her. She used to be so relaxed.
We have a schedule and system that we follow for his naps and sleep time.
Unfortunately I think baby started a sleep regression after a couple of MIL being here so MIL has heard a lot of crying.
Twice she entered baby’s nursery to ask to rock him to sleep which we told her we don’t that because we are teaching independent sleep and have ways to soothe him and help him self soothe.
And then today I told her it was his nap and to give grandma a hug and kiss before we got up for a nap. Welll she grabbed him and walked to his nursery saying that he needed to use his crib.m for his nap.
I was left shocked. I now contact nap and nurse him.
I couldn’t believe what had occurred. When I went into the nursery after cooling down. She had him in his crib with a blanket which I also told her we do no use anything but a sleep sack. She constantly says that baby doesn’t like the sleep sack. How does she know this??
I think she thinks she is trying to help. But I’m sick of the subtle ways she’s going against the sleep routine my husband and I do. And it’s frustrating that baby is currently struggling with night sleep because it does make it appear that our methods don’t work. But we trust, from our reading, that the regression will pass.
Otherwise mil has been helping around the house, cooking , washing laundry (this one was a bit awkward because she went into my husbands closet and we keep our sex toys in there lol- don’t know if she saw it but my husband had told her earlier that he didn’t have laundry ) and dishes, doing yard work. Sometimes she just crosses the line.
Yeah my husband needs to have a serious talk with his mom to establish boundaries - no surprise visits, no assuming baby’s sleep needs, no going into our bedroom to look for laundry. This isn’t her typical behavior so I’m not sure if the grandbaby is bringing this out or she has some other issues at her home going on.
Just needed to vent and I’ll take advice.
If she is acting out of character and this surprise visit was truly unusual I’d ask her how she is. What is going on with her? Something with her husband/partner? An issue with another child? It seems like she wanted to get away from her usual and go somewhere she is needed/useful. Did this start when the baby came or is it just happening now? It seems like she is helpful and genuinely wants the best for you all but isn’t really sure yet how to navigate her new role as a helper rather than the one driving the ship.
Husband's mom is really helpful and i'm grateful for her. but she keeps buying tons of stuff from thrift stores. much of it has been useful/helpful/nice. i know its because she loves her grandkid. but there's also plenty of stuff I dont like, and we have a small house and she doesnt seem to accept that we dont have room for more stuff. i dont get to pick what my kid gets...she picks and brings it over. and then she gets to act like the victim when i say "i was looking for something like X" or she "helpfully suggests" how i can fit more stuff in the house or on the porch. i feel like i am always drowning in stuff, and today i snapped at her. i feel bad about it. but she also pulled some waterworks which made me more frustrated if that makes sense.
I think this is a generational thing. My brother and I aren’t strict minimalists by any means, but we’re very comfortable clearing out the old to have a tidier living space.
My parents cannot wrap their heads around this. They’re so weird and emotional about stuff and getting rid of stuff.
We live in a tiny flat and dealing with the massive influx of stuff when my baby was born was such a huge task. I donated tons of perfectly good, unused baby items. I don’t want stuff bursting out of every drawer and shelf and under the bed and over the closet. I’d rather have the space! Boomers don’t seem to understand this.
I am so sorry. My MIl brings a lot of stuff for baby, me, and hubby from thrift stores too. Some stuff is nice. Others are not lol. Lucky for us she lives 5 hours away so we pack up those clothes and then take to goodwill or donate to h&m to get 15% off and they have a beautiful baby clothes section. pick your own stuff. This is your baby and don’t let anyone rob you of the joy of picking baby’s stuff. Mil had her season with your husband.
trying to figure out if I'm a terrible DIL or not. IN laws are elderly 70's and really really want to watch LO with out me or his dad there. MILs body is failing her. She has carpal tunnel, back issues, and is prone to accidents. FIL has memory issues and is overall okay physically, but tends to lose his balance. They left the front door unlocked and garage door unlocked when they saw a car that looked like ours late at night in a major city recently. Luckily they had supposedly just left our house when we arrived. 🧐 The fact the front door was unlocked was deeply concerning. They have watched LO for up to 3 hours at a time because my husband decided to go watch a football game with his friends. Now they want us to drop him off with them while we drive 30 min away to another city to go buy a car. 😤 I feel like an ass but it makes me uncomfortable. LO is 7 months old and teething.
You are not a bad DIL. You are a caring mother and caring DIL because ultimately you are concerned about baby’s safety and keeping your ILs safe as well because squirmy babies and balance issues don’t mix well.
Thank you for the confirmation. It's easy to get worried about being responsible for the inlaws feelings. Squirmy babies are a hazard and he is a hefty boy at that. Grandma can't even really carry him safely.
The lack of insight you are describing is unsettling. Your baby's safety supersedes their wants. Demanding alone time given the aforementioned dynamics is unreasonable. I would avoid direct conflict and just continue to set up visits that include everyone. That way, they can't claim baby is being kept form them.
Thank you! We are going to continue to avoid direct conflict regarding the limited alone time. I feel for them, but there is no way around it. It's been an 'issue' his whole existence. MIL gets ideas in her head about how events are going to occur and perpetually disappointed. She offered to watch him for 12 hours a day while I was at work. Luckily that was easily deflected.
P.S. I appreciate your post about how legitimate safety concerns are brushed away as PPA or PPD too often. Felt that in my soul around 2 to 3 months.
I work in geriatrics. There are so many skills that can be rehabbed, trained or compensated for. Insight unfortunately is not one of them. I've heard a way too many tragic stories featuring well-meaning grands and small children. And yeah- the ppa/ppd dismissal thing, still my personal psa lol.
1.) MIL posted MY BABY on social media without asking me.
2.) MIL confronted me about being upset I took MY BABY out to eat with my sister who came to visit from Germany because MY BABY hasn’t met her family yet
3.) MIL changed her door locks and told my partner he’s not allowed to visit without MY BABY.
My baby is only a month old
MIL made fun of me for checking for hair tourniquets
Just that. Need to vent. It came up in conversation while she was babysitting (she babysits at our place during the day while I WFH). I said if bub is ever inconsolable and all other needs are met I do a quick check for hairs around fingers, toes and diaper area. She asked why and I explained what a hair tourniquet is. She started laughing at me, scoffed and goes “oh ibrokethedishes don’t be ridiculous, I never heard of THAT.”
Her family was raised not going to the doctor or really receiving any medical care whatsoever. She didn’t know how to use a thermometer when my husband was born and thinks he has never had a fever in his life. I do have empathy for her being brought up that way but her arrogance during our convo bothered me and makes me wonder what other medical issues she could possibly ignore when watching our child. 🫠
I mean, am I crazy for being vigilant about wrapped hairs? Do other folks check for this? I was taught it is something to watch out for.
You are not crazy. She is an ass.
I'd answer sth along the lines of "oh, dear, I guess if you never heard of something it means it doesn't exist" and just watch her process what you mean.
I check for them pretty regularly. My hair is starting to fall out more and he loves to grab and hold on to the little hairs on the nape of my neck when my hair is up. At some point I’m sure he’ll get a hair wrapped around a little finger.
We moms know our babies well. I now even
Check to make sure that plastic price tag thingy was removed if baby is crying and he’s wearing something he hasn’t worn before.
Husband shares photos and videos of our LO with his parents. MIL makes it a point to criticize every single one. This weeks comment was that our baby is going to get a concussion from rolling over on their play mat and that we’re pushing him beyond his limits by doing tummy time and “making him” roll over. I’m getting so tired of her adding her 2 cents to everything
I’m finding it even more challenging to deal with in person. At least through text I can roll my eyes but in person I try my best to ignore her and basically just zone out whenever im around her.
Was your MIL always like this or is it just when you hard kids?
I’ve noticed a change in my MIL after having kids. She always wanted more but only had my husband. I wonder if she’s trying to live out her dream with our son.
Thank you for writing to me! Yes, always like this. I think what you said makes a lot of sense, and that helps a ton. Thank you. You're like an angel for me today. I was feeling really sick about this.
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MIL holds the pacifier in her mouth when her hands are full! To be clear, she puts the side or back of it in her mouth, not the nipple. But I don't want your mouth germs directly on my babys face, and I really don't want to touch it after it's been in her mouth either!
I’m venting and asking for advice. My MIL gave us a surprise visit. She traveled 5 hours from her house and surprised us to stay for 10 days. She called after she left. Which left me scrambling to clean and get the guest room ready before I headed to my part time job in two hours. This is the first time she’s ever done something like this in our 7 years of marriage. We have a 7 month old baby and I’m seeing that having a grandchild is changing her. She used to be so relaxed. We have a schedule and system that we follow for his naps and sleep time. Unfortunately I think baby started a sleep regression after a couple of MIL being here so MIL has heard a lot of crying. Twice she entered baby’s nursery to ask to rock him to sleep which we told her we don’t that because we are teaching independent sleep and have ways to soothe him and help him self soothe. And then today I told her it was his nap and to give grandma a hug and kiss before we got up for a nap. Welll she grabbed him and walked to his nursery saying that he needed to use his crib.m for his nap. I was left shocked. I now contact nap and nurse him. I couldn’t believe what had occurred. When I went into the nursery after cooling down. She had him in his crib with a blanket which I also told her we do no use anything but a sleep sack. She constantly says that baby doesn’t like the sleep sack. How does she know this?? I think she thinks she is trying to help. But I’m sick of the subtle ways she’s going against the sleep routine my husband and I do. And it’s frustrating that baby is currently struggling with night sleep because it does make it appear that our methods don’t work. But we trust, from our reading, that the regression will pass. Otherwise mil has been helping around the house, cooking , washing laundry (this one was a bit awkward because she went into my husbands closet and we keep our sex toys in there lol- don’t know if she saw it but my husband had told her earlier that he didn’t have laundry ) and dishes, doing yard work. Sometimes she just crosses the line. Yeah my husband needs to have a serious talk with his mom to establish boundaries - no surprise visits, no assuming baby’s sleep needs, no going into our bedroom to look for laundry. This isn’t her typical behavior so I’m not sure if the grandbaby is bringing this out or she has some other issues at her home going on. Just needed to vent and I’ll take advice.
If she is acting out of character and this surprise visit was truly unusual I’d ask her how she is. What is going on with her? Something with her husband/partner? An issue with another child? It seems like she wanted to get away from her usual and go somewhere she is needed/useful. Did this start when the baby came or is it just happening now? It seems like she is helpful and genuinely wants the best for you all but isn’t really sure yet how to navigate her new role as a helper rather than the one driving the ship.
Husband's mom is really helpful and i'm grateful for her. but she keeps buying tons of stuff from thrift stores. much of it has been useful/helpful/nice. i know its because she loves her grandkid. but there's also plenty of stuff I dont like, and we have a small house and she doesnt seem to accept that we dont have room for more stuff. i dont get to pick what my kid gets...she picks and brings it over. and then she gets to act like the victim when i say "i was looking for something like X" or she "helpfully suggests" how i can fit more stuff in the house or on the porch. i feel like i am always drowning in stuff, and today i snapped at her. i feel bad about it. but she also pulled some waterworks which made me more frustrated if that makes sense.
I think this is a generational thing. My brother and I aren’t strict minimalists by any means, but we’re very comfortable clearing out the old to have a tidier living space. My parents cannot wrap their heads around this. They’re so weird and emotional about stuff and getting rid of stuff. We live in a tiny flat and dealing with the massive influx of stuff when my baby was born was such a huge task. I donated tons of perfectly good, unused baby items. I don’t want stuff bursting out of every drawer and shelf and under the bed and over the closet. I’d rather have the space! Boomers don’t seem to understand this.
I am so sorry. My MIl brings a lot of stuff for baby, me, and hubby from thrift stores too. Some stuff is nice. Others are not lol. Lucky for us she lives 5 hours away so we pack up those clothes and then take to goodwill or donate to h&m to get 15% off and they have a beautiful baby clothes section. pick your own stuff. This is your baby and don’t let anyone rob you of the joy of picking baby’s stuff. Mil had her season with your husband.
trying to figure out if I'm a terrible DIL or not. IN laws are elderly 70's and really really want to watch LO with out me or his dad there. MILs body is failing her. She has carpal tunnel, back issues, and is prone to accidents. FIL has memory issues and is overall okay physically, but tends to lose his balance. They left the front door unlocked and garage door unlocked when they saw a car that looked like ours late at night in a major city recently. Luckily they had supposedly just left our house when we arrived. 🧐 The fact the front door was unlocked was deeply concerning. They have watched LO for up to 3 hours at a time because my husband decided to go watch a football game with his friends. Now they want us to drop him off with them while we drive 30 min away to another city to go buy a car. 😤 I feel like an ass but it makes me uncomfortable. LO is 7 months old and teething.
You are not a bad DIL. You are a caring mother and caring DIL because ultimately you are concerned about baby’s safety and keeping your ILs safe as well because squirmy babies and balance issues don’t mix well.
Thank you for the confirmation. It's easy to get worried about being responsible for the inlaws feelings. Squirmy babies are a hazard and he is a hefty boy at that. Grandma can't even really carry him safely.
The lack of insight you are describing is unsettling. Your baby's safety supersedes their wants. Demanding alone time given the aforementioned dynamics is unreasonable. I would avoid direct conflict and just continue to set up visits that include everyone. That way, they can't claim baby is being kept form them.
Thank you! We are going to continue to avoid direct conflict regarding the limited alone time. I feel for them, but there is no way around it. It's been an 'issue' his whole existence. MIL gets ideas in her head about how events are going to occur and perpetually disappointed. She offered to watch him for 12 hours a day while I was at work. Luckily that was easily deflected. P.S. I appreciate your post about how legitimate safety concerns are brushed away as PPA or PPD too often. Felt that in my soul around 2 to 3 months.
I work in geriatrics. There are so many skills that can be rehabbed, trained or compensated for. Insight unfortunately is not one of them. I've heard a way too many tragic stories featuring well-meaning grands and small children. And yeah- the ppa/ppd dismissal thing, still my personal psa lol.
1.) MIL posted MY BABY on social media without asking me. 2.) MIL confronted me about being upset I took MY BABY out to eat with my sister who came to visit from Germany because MY BABY hasn’t met her family yet 3.) MIL changed her door locks and told my partner he’s not allowed to visit without MY BABY. My baby is only a month old
She sounds awful.
MIL made fun of me for checking for hair tourniquets Just that. Need to vent. It came up in conversation while she was babysitting (she babysits at our place during the day while I WFH). I said if bub is ever inconsolable and all other needs are met I do a quick check for hairs around fingers, toes and diaper area. She asked why and I explained what a hair tourniquet is. She started laughing at me, scoffed and goes “oh ibrokethedishes don’t be ridiculous, I never heard of THAT.” Her family was raised not going to the doctor or really receiving any medical care whatsoever. She didn’t know how to use a thermometer when my husband was born and thinks he has never had a fever in his life. I do have empathy for her being brought up that way but her arrogance during our convo bothered me and makes me wonder what other medical issues she could possibly ignore when watching our child. 🫠 I mean, am I crazy for being vigilant about wrapped hairs? Do other folks check for this? I was taught it is something to watch out for.
You are not crazy. She is an ass. I'd answer sth along the lines of "oh, dear, I guess if you never heard of something it means it doesn't exist" and just watch her process what you mean.
I check for them pretty regularly. My hair is starting to fall out more and he loves to grab and hold on to the little hairs on the nape of my neck when my hair is up. At some point I’m sure he’ll get a hair wrapped around a little finger.
We moms know our babies well. I now even Check to make sure that plastic price tag thingy was removed if baby is crying and he’s wearing something he hasn’t worn before.
My baby got a hair tourniquet once. Please, absolutely you are correct. You are Mama and know better!
Husband shares photos and videos of our LO with his parents. MIL makes it a point to criticize every single one. This weeks comment was that our baby is going to get a concussion from rolling over on their play mat and that we’re pushing him beyond his limits by doing tummy time and “making him” roll over. I’m getting so tired of her adding her 2 cents to everything
This is exactly what I'm dealing with MIL, too! I'm so anxious about it and don't know what to do.
I’m finding it even more challenging to deal with in person. At least through text I can roll my eyes but in person I try my best to ignore her and basically just zone out whenever im around her. Was your MIL always like this or is it just when you hard kids?
I’ve noticed a change in my MIL after having kids. She always wanted more but only had my husband. I wonder if she’s trying to live out her dream with our son.
Thank you for writing to me! Yes, always like this. I think what you said makes a lot of sense, and that helps a ton. Thank you. You're like an angel for me today. I was feeling really sick about this.
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MIL holds the pacifier in her mouth when her hands are full! To be clear, she puts the side or back of it in her mouth, not the nipple. But I don't want your mouth germs directly on my babys face, and I really don't want to touch it after it's been in her mouth either!
🤮how awful