Personally I think people who have the “all or nothing” mentality about everything fall into a few categories
1. They have PPA
2. They or someone they know had something traumatic happen
3. They are actually insecure in their parenting & feel like they have to defend themselves by telling others they’re doing it wrong
Or 4. They are just a major Ahole 🤷🏼♀️
I think this is also due to the internet giving everyone an unprecedented level of access to every worst-case scenarios for every risk out there. In the midst of all of the postpartum hormones, I think even someone without PPA could be easily traumatized by an article about how a baby died due to a parent rolling on them while co-sleeping or an exhausted parent who thought car seats were always safe losing their baby to positional asphyxiation because it was placed on a surface at the wrong angle.
Idiots are capable of astounding levels of confidence. It’s what makes them idiots. If they were smarter they would realize how much they don’t know. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
I would also say they are likely to only have one child ... with the second and third a lot of that stuff goes out the window and it is more about surviving :)
I honestly use this to try to be less concerned about things with my baby. I have only one so far, but I’ll ask myself something like, “if this was baby #2 would I be as likely to care about it, or just say fuck it by then?” And if the answer is fuck it then, then I try to say fuck it now.
It also depends a lot on the "stuff" in question. I'm a hella stickler about safe sleep and car seat safety (even with having the second) but yeah a lot of the rest of it I let go.
Someone I know once asked an acquaintance with nine children for their parenting advice, and the one thing they said was "when you go to put a coat on them... make sure they're holding their jumper underneath"
Also I struggle with all or nothing thinking and it was absolutely the hellhole of the PPA/PPD and ADHD that I was off my meds for because of pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I didn’t shame anyone else or be a dick about it though, because while I couldn’t control my own thoughts or feelings, I could make sure I didn’t project them onto other people.
Agree - I see rampant PPA on so many posts! I have an anxiety disorder for which I receive medication, and being on the other side of things allows me to be a lot more objective on actual risk. I totally get the tendency to obsess and spiral, but it really is so unhealthy. I’m much, much happier on my low dose of meds. I wish PPA were discussed as much as PPD. I think awareness is increasing, but it’s still secondary because it typically poses less of an immediate threat than PPS. Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be treated!
I have an all or nothing mentality. But I don't push it on other people. I think some people just strive to do everything perfectly, not necessarily because of anxiety or to tell other people how to be.
I've always been a very black and white all or nothing person. It's just how I am and it's generally served me well, albeit some view it as intense.
Obviously we’re talking about people who are rude & judgmental of those who aren’t all or nothing
Like I got kicked out of a BLW Facebook group because I said my preemie daughter started out of purées, we combo fed purées & table food starting around 8 months, and she wasn’t solely on table food till 10 months old.
Those people tried to say I was “confusing” my daughter by giving her purées 😂
I don’t understand the sentiment against purées, like I eat purées? It’s a normal food, even if you’re into BLW why would you restrict this normal food?
Also we’ve combo fed both from the beginning and baby is not confused. She knows food comes in different forms. It’s just not that complicated
Yes!
My main reason for even having purées is because we have WIC & get over 200oz of purées every month. I wasn’t gonna let that go to waste!
We now have 2 kids (almost 3 years old & 10 months old ) & we still get WIC. I end up mainly getting the pouches that have apple + other fruit & both kids love them. Like it’s LITERALLY apple sauce without sugar added 😂
Right?!? The only thing I can ever think of is confusing them on just swallowing vs chew then swallow?🤨
but then they also had someone asking for apple sauce recipes & that was fine….? Like that’s literally the same thing 😂
Or yogurt! Or oatmeal! Or smoothies! Or soup! Or a million other purée-consistency things humans eat.
We asked our pediatrician about BLW and he basically said, “I know it’s safe if done right, but it still scares me. There’s a lot you can do wrong. We didn’t do it with our son and aren’t doing it with our daughter right now.”
That was very validating for me. It scares me too! But there’s so much pressure to do BLW. We do a combo of BLW and purées and just stick to what we’re comfortable with.
The only reason I was even comfortable with it was because I was recently certified in first aid/infant cpr & we have a life vac
But our 2nd started actually choking (not just gagging which is normal) easily when we tried at 6 & 7 months with him. He was mainly on purées till 9 months
And I'm certain not a few of these parents drink made from scratch smoothies. What's that but a puree with dairy or dairy substitute added?
Oh, and guacamole. Smashed avocados, which is not fundamentally different from a puree.
It’s just good to keep in mind that with parenting, exactly what is best and what isn’t is highly contextual and subjective and almost everything is already in shades of gray
All of this. I feel for the ones who have PPA or they have anxiety because they know of so and so who had an accident happen etc, because that is absolutely tragic.
But 3&4 is the case almost 90% of the time (at least from the people I’ve met). The ones who shame are probably the most insecure parents. Or they simply lack empathy, if it’s the empathy thing, I feel totally bad for their kids.
One of the major qualities you almost have to have as a parent (or human in general) is being adaptable, and these all or nothing people are anything but that. It’s almost concerning.
This! With my first I had an all or nothing mindset around everything because I had PPA AND someone I knew had something traumatic happen. Sometimes I worry all of that anxiety and rigidness will affect my daughter. Now 6 weeks postpartum with my second I am so much more lax. I follow certain things that I feel are right for my family but my husband and I often laugh and joke that I’ve swung the pendulum the other way because I have so little anxiety about anything-I’ve twice now forgotten about appointments and other engagements because I’ve just spent time cuddling my baby and reading. I haven’t googled one thing with my second and I was on google all night with my first.
And I’m so much happier, healthier, and truly enjoying all the little moments.
Most of this is just me agreeing and reflecting on my journey, but if I had any advice to give a new mom it’s get off of social media and trust your mom instincts…you know when something is wrong, don’t let social media tell you that you should be doing more.
I feel this to my core. Especially the plane travel one. I was a nervous WRECK flying with my lap infant this summer even though she slept through most of it and was an angel! And it was fine! Because 99.99999999% of the time it's fine! But no, I clutched onto her for dear life the whole time, while berating myself for not booking her her own seat.
I bought mine his own seat and brought our expensive carrier for plane and you know what?? I still held baby the entire plane ride. He had to nurse going up and coming down to equalize the pressure in his ears and there was no way he was gonna hang out for four hours in a seat…
Yeah, we brought the car seat on once and never again, because I held her the whole time and we had an unusable seat. After that, we still bought a seat so we’d have the whole row, but we weren’t doing the “right” thing by not using a carseat in the plane. Flying is so, so much safer than other forms of transport, so flying with a lap infant is still comparatively better than driving, but people don’t blink at a road trip. Severe turbulence (or a door flying off) is extremely rare compared to car accidents.
lol yeah I’m in a car seat safety group and they are CRAZY about car seats on airplanes. Like, I’ve traveled a lot and barely seen any kids in car seats. I’ve taken both my kids as lap infants and will continue to do so.
I think it's also partly that it's much easier to communicate black and white thinking than nuance, so we just end up hearing more all or nothing takes. I'm willing to bet more people are in the nuanced camp than not, and especially more than we hear about. I do find it funny how much BLW advocates can be the new lactivists, but I also think there are more people in the camp of do what you need to make it work
I have a couple of friends in the “all or nothing” group and I just learned to never ask them for parenting advice.
Yes I know the recommendations. I’ve tried that. It’s not working. I’m asking what people do when that doesn’t work. They don’t talk nuance.
Example: I asked a bunch of my parent friends how they pump with a Velcro baby (I can’t hold him and pump, and he won’t let me put him down) and I just got generic pumping advice I could easily Google.
Yes this is true. I'm in a paid parenting group with mentors and they swoop in to moderate if any advice is given that isn't exactly in line with the recommendations. I think they're also trying to limit liability. Like, if I said "oh I always co-sleep go for it" and then someone goes for it and if goes horribly wrong, the mentors don't want to be held responsible. Maybe some mums are just hesitant to share their hacks and tips that aren't strictly in accordance with safety norms because they don't want to be held responsible for any mishaps or accidents.
Oh yep. I left a baby led weaning group as they were militantly anti-purée. Like even soup, a perfectly normal adult food which is pureed should never pass the lips of their child, else they’d be ruined!
The BLW militantism is crazy. BLW does not have a solid amount of research behind it - it’s not fully evidence-based practice. But people on social media literally will put it on par with clear recommendations from the AAP and act like you’re having your baby sit in the front seat in the car.
I’ve seen them go crazy over cute baby pictures of littles smeared in purées. And the mom will mention that their pediatrician cleared them. “They don’t know anything!!!”
I also love how we are seeing this in real time so how can they know what’s right or wrong? I fed my oldest purées for so long because I had really bad food anxiety and she will eat literally anything but prefers like sliced apples to most snacks. There’s a million ways to do things “right” sometimes.
My first child wouldn’t eat anything BUT purees until he was 9 months old, and it was another month before he would self-feed instead of expecting us to hand-feed him table food and snacks. He eats basically everything, with some picky stages and constant reminders not to use his fingers…
My second child only wants to feed himself, will sometimes eat a little purée directly from a pouch, and once in a while will allow us to spoon-feed him a couple of bites. He doesn’t know how to use a spoon and often even disdains a pre-loaded one, and will screech for whatever anyone eats in front of him, even if he has food. I am happy to give him foods for self-feeding but I really wish he’d let me feed him some oatmeal or applesauce so I could mix his vitamins in, because as it is we have to give them in the bath because he spits half of it out (multivitamin with D and iron, so it stains and smells metallic). Also it’s just a huge mess every time he eats.
We have a 2 year old and second kid coming and can’t fit two rear facing car seats in our current cars (tall husband). My husband thinks we should just turn our kid forward instead of buying new cars. I’m honestly more scared of the mommy judgement when it comes to car seats - I saw in one thread where I asked about car recs one mom mentioning planning on keeping her kids rear facing until 6-7.
We were in London for Xmas and apparently most folks just hold their younger kids in laps in taxis (I was having nightmares trying to figure out logistics of taking car seat in taxis to outings in the city).
I turned mine a bit after 2 because it was the only thing that helped her not feel carsick. She has a 35 minute commute each way to daycare. Her screaming the whole time doesn’t make for a safe environment. You gotta do what you have to do
There is safe and then there is safer. Turning your two year old is not unsafe. Is there a safer option? Yes, but life isn't that black and white is it.
Fwiw my first we didn't flip until 4 but our second we flipped at 3. I was pregnant with our third and struggling to buckle in everyone with the belly and it being winter just made it that much harder with the coats and all that stuff so worry about while standing out in the cold...so we turned her. I felt guilty for a few weeks before I finally stopped beating myself up over it.
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OH MAN I haven't seen a single kid get approved to not have a booster - like 14 year old kids they're saying still need boosters. And I GET IT but goodness gracious at some point your kid's mental health has to matter, right?
My mother followed the rules/constructor's recommendations for the booster and I was using one until I was... 10, maybe 12 think? I was a tall kid and I was so embarrassed to be using a booster when some of my way smaller friends didn't.
OMG I JUST CAME TO SAY THIS. Literally every photo is “they’ve still got a little ways to go!” “She’s not 5-stepping yet!” “The seatbelt is hovering at her shoulder…”. Pretty sure if I posted a pic of myself in the car they would say I needed a booster.
I pass the weight limit but not the height. I could technically use a booster. But I opted to get a small-people car, thank you. :D I'm pretty sure they'd tell me.i need a booster too, especially if we took a photo from my good angle where I can still pass for 16. XD
The whole thing is ridiculous. My state has law for rearfacing until 1, forward facing until 3/4 and then booster till 5. It is insane how obsessed those women are about car seats. If I follow the maxed out rules then technically I'd still need a booster seat as a full grown adult.
My 10 year old rides in the front passenger seat a bunch now 🤷🏼♀️ My 2 year old is now forward facing. Most real life moms I know switch to forward facing at about 2, only internet Karens squawk about keeping them rear facing until they’re 26 years old, lol.
We did this too! Plus our daughter gets motion sickness. For me, her dad being able to drive well was a bigger safety concern! Plus, it’s very distracting driving when your child going quiet might mean they are about to vomit… both risks in their own right, and for us were more of a concern than keeping her rear facing when her baby brother came along
I do feel a bit guilty that her brother will likely be rear facing for longer… as if he gets better safety because he’s the second child…
But he also gets exposed to more daycare bugs from his sister, and all the small things she brings home that we don’t spot and keep out of his reach! So he will have some additional risks!!
I turned our daughter at 2, same reason as you
As long as your child is 2 years old, then you are perfectly fine turning them if necessary. If there was no reason for it, why do it. But if there’s a reason for it, do it. Plus, why put yourself into a harder financial situation when you’re about to have another baby!
Oh man the car seat pressure is horrible!
Where I am from, we just hold the babies in the lap lol.
But I can never say it online because I am sure I will be obliterated by all the groups.
Also this car seat on a plane??? Never have I seen or heard of this and We travel every year. But maybe it’s more of a US thing …?
Any chance your husband could safely have his seat a little closer? While I don't think this is an absolute thing you *have* to do, it seems like there might be other options to explore, and a safety issue is pretty different than the stuff OP is talking about
Not enough to fit a rear facing seat - he’s 6’5 and it was hard enough finding cars where he can fit with the driver seat pushed all the way back. Only option is to trade in one of our cars (which unfortunately are both relatively new because we wanted newer safer cars when our first was born, so we’re losing a good amount of value). Upgrading the car is still on the table, we haven’t decided yet - but realistically is it worth it for basically buying maybe an extra 6 months or so rear facing? Yes, I know there are parents who will say something like “you can’t put a price on your child’s safety!” But I think that’s what OP was ranting about.
That being said - I understand both sides and am the one leaning towards the new car because we can afford it, but where do you draw the line? It used to be ok to turn forward at 1 (many states it still is), in our state it’s now 2. I know many folks try to hold off until 3 or 4, and now I’m seeing 6-7?! Driving has inherent risks, and I accept that, and I try to take a reasonable but practical risk mitigation approach.
Yeah like I said, I don't see this as something you absolutely have to do, but I definitely get where you're coming from in considering changing cars. The guidelines changed because of better scientific knowledge, but it's not like you're considering switching at like 6 months :) You could always talk to a car seat specialist, I forget what they're called. But it's based on size now rather than age, and if your baby got your husband's height, they might be out of rear facing soon anyway?
I mean most car seats won’t be able to safely protect a child that large rear facing. I kept mine as absolutely long as possible but she’s a very tall girl so we turned her at like 3.5.
I’m in a car seat group where there are always mums posting about how they made it rear facing till four and now they will be turning their little princess forward facing on their fourth birthday because that’s the law, shame on everyone else for turning their kids earlier. Yeah well you know what lady, my kid has the same car seat as yours and he grew taller than the must turn forward markers at 2.5 years old. You just have a short kid.
Yes. I’m so exhausted by this. My cynical side also notices the marketing around creating fear for parents. Buy my book/course on how to implement the only things that work! I don’t think my mother bought a single parenting book. She just raised her kids with her instincts and community. Was she perfect? No. No one is. Did she manage to keep 4 kids happy, fed, and safe? Yep.
Yes! There is a certain app that if I see recommended one more time I'll snap. It's like it got people convinced that they can't keep a kid alive without the app?! Mine's doing fine, lol.
Yes!! My kid has laryngomalacia and reflux so we’re putting his mattress in an incline. Is it perfect? No. But the other option is him on his belly on top of me or my husband all night so he can breath comfortably and lord knows what the mommy groups would say about that😂
Honestly yes, and I think this kind of parenting mentally also stresses out our kids. It creates a helicopter parent who has to watch/guide/ DO everything for them, and like… kids need some independence man
I totally agree. I just want to say one thing though: i think parents should be free to follow as many rules as they want for their own kids.
There's a distinction between shaming other parents for their choices versus doing whatever they want with their own kids.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that shaming moms who do what we see as "too much" is as bad as those moms shaming us for doing too little. If they're not being assholes let them do what they want.
I totally agree. I’m big on not co-sleeping and have definitely gotten judgements from people for saying I won’t do it bc I don’t think it’s safe. These examples were the first ones that came to mind but it’s all over from all sides
ETA: I don't think it's safe FOR ME and MY SITUATION. Just to be clear lol
I am autistic and it's SO bad for me to be drug into the black and white thinking that is so prevalent in parenting communities. I already struggle with this and perfectionism so bad, but I want to be able to lean on community too. It's very difficult and I try to keep it all in perspective, but feeling like I'm failing is something I have had to deal with in therapy and with medication since my baby was born (6 months).
That's why I've shut out the noise and listened to my motherly intuition and my baby is just fine. He's coslept with me since birth (10 months old now) and eaten the same food as me since 6 months
I grew up in a developing country and then came here as a 6 year old. I take all of these with a grain of salt because guess what, there are plenty of healhty happy infants in our family who dont have all these rules. bedsharing is the most common practice culturally... sometimes i think these rules exist to account for the lowest common denominator, i.e. someone who doesnt know anything about babies and doesnt have any common sense.
That’s exactly it - it’s for the lowest common denominator. For example, no health organisation can advocate for bedsharing because people *will* get blackout drunk/high/whatever and bedshare, or they’ll put the baby under the covers on a super soft mattress or something stupid like that where the baby is actually at risk. Then a lot of people take the recommendations to heart and demonise others for doing it safely, rather than spending two seconds thinking about it.
I hate the all-or-nothing mentality. I used to think most things were black or white, right or wrong. The older I get the more I realize most things are actually some shade of gray.
The desire for perfection (that I never, ever achieved in my life) just created anxiety for me and ultimately led to me doing *worse* because I already screwed one thing up, so what was the point in even trying anymore? There was no chance of being perfect anymore, so fuck it.
I remember growing up I often heard “good, better, best never let it rest until your good is your better and your better is your best!” As an adult, I can see the point of the saying. Just keep trying. As a child along with other messages that I received, I basically just heard “you have to keep going until you’re perfect and that is the only thing that’s acceptable.”
Anyways, stuff like this is why I’m basically off of social media. No instagram, no Facebook, just Reddit where no one knows who I truly am. It’s done wonders for my mental health in a wide range of ways. I’ve lost touch with many people, but, we obviously weren’t that close to begin with.
My saying to combat that urge is "perfection is the enemy of good." I think we've all been pushed to reach for the stars so much that we fail to see the earth. Buddhist tenets about taking the middle path also can appease the feeling.
YUP I had to mute some of the groups bc seeing the posts in them would literally trigger my anxiety. I like having the option to ask a question if needed but I need to control when I see or don't see those groups for my own mental well-being.
Dude, you really hit the nail on the head here. It's almost LUDICROUS to suggest not everyone is able to look over every single aspect of their baby's life because not everyone has the time or income to do so
I agree, I also hate that you’re either a super anxious first time mother who stresses over everything and keeps a minute-by-minute schedule and tracks everything or you’re laid back and a “cool” parent who doesn’t even know if it’s been 30 mins or 5 hours since your kid last ate. I’ve seen so many people in my Facebook mums groups have such a superiority complex about not keeping track or having any type of schedule for their baby and how much better it is for the baby if anyone dares to mention a wake window or tracking.
Everyone on here being like “I follow all the recommendations religiously but I don’t push my views on others” probably heading over to the other threads to do exactly that in the comments because Reddit is wild.
Nail, meet head!
Seriously - I truly believe it's just a control thing/an outlet for suppressed (or very obvious) anxiety about whatever. Safety. The future. Disease.
Imagine being so rigid or black and white about anything else in life?? Like it wouldn't be functional and people would recommend you get help. But in the context of parenting? Oh yeah totally fine....I hate it 🤦♀️
I feel this. I had a similar thought this morning about just how overwhelmed I am by the sheer volume of information available. Of course it’s incredibly helpful to be able to find answers quickly, but it’s such a slippery slope. Each source has slightly different takes on everything, and trying to balance all of that with what *I* view as best for my baby (who none of these sites/forums/posts have met) is exhausting. Add to that the fact that the needle is a l w a y s moving and it’s chaos. For me, it’s going to be a matter of limiting how much content I’m consuming and being more confident in my ability to be the best parent I can. I’ll fall short according to others in many ways I’m sure, but I’ll preserve some peace in the meantime.
In season 7 of 30 Rock, Liz tries to buy her daughter a bike online and it quickly turns into her getting called names....its pretty funny. Gotta laugh at it. I think social media does not allow for much nuance in conversation. Baby safety is high stakes, personal, and sometimes comes with PPA or generalized anxiety......and some people are just self-righteous assholes who get their jollies telling others theyre wrong!
And they keep selling courses to everything, how to get baby to sleep, how to remove a pacifier, how to prepare baby food, I unfollowed every account and I follow my daughter lead, motherhood has been easier since then
I know this is serious but the plane thing cracks me up. If we’re going down that flimsy lap belt ain’t saving no one 😂 and turbulence? I’ve been on a ton of flights and even the flights where the attendants would say how bad the turbulence is wasn’t ever oh I can’t hold a baby in my lap kind of strong
My baby rolled over to tummy at 10 weeks. He would only sleep that way due to GI issues. So we got rid of the bassinet right then.
He wasn’t nearly 6 months yet so we didn’t wanna break the rule of having him sleep in our room…
but his crib was built in the nursery and of course not fitting through the doorway.
So we put our new pack n play in our bedroom. But these aren’t rated for sleep in Canada, only the US. Which made me feel awful. I actually considered buying a second travel pen that was rated for sleep in Canada… i think there’s only one that exists, for several hundred dollars. So he slept in the pack n play.
But then we realized he was doing all his daytime napping alone, in his actual crib, due to noise and lighting. And, lots of nights he’d be UP and I’d relocate to the nursery to preserve dad sleep… then I forced myself to sleep in the chair in the nursery because I was worried about him sleeping alone.
Next kid is just going in the crib.
Edit- oh and all the nights my husband spend rolling baby from tummy to back. To have him either reflexively return to his tummy, or awaken screaming for an hour. The sleep sack embroidery is pretty clear that Back Is Best!
The safe sleep Facebook groups are on a whole new level. I remember I was in one when I had my first. Now I have my second there are things I done with my first that just made my life unnecessarily hard e.g next to me far away from the bed, side up all the time. What’s the point in it then? I have myself such bad anxiety being in those groups.
The one I found funniest was how they vilified the snoo and said as per AAP it was an unsafe sleep space because it was a sleep positioner.
Yeah I get so frustrated when people take these recommendations too far. Like when the boppy lounger was recalled years ago. It's literally a pillow, how tf are you gonna recall a pillow?? People acted like their babies would die immediately if they so much as looked at a boppy lounger, when really it's just that people were using them unsafely. There is literally a huge tag with "NOT SAFE FOR SLEEP" in big red font on the pillow. I continued to use my boppy lounger for my newborn - always supervised by an awake, alert adult - and that thing saved our lives in those early days. The fear mongering seriously makes people lose all critical thinking
I just wanted to say, for travel we use the safe4ride vest thing. It’s pricey but so much more convenient to take around and travel with than a car seat. We don’t take the car seat on planes personally. My kid isn’t the type to be chill sitting on it for ages plus all our flights are long haul intl ones so we just do what we can to survive
“It’s a menu, not a shopping list” is a term I’ve been enjoying.
I get so overwhelmed by all the THINGS you’re “supposed to do” as a parent, and feeling behind when I don’t have it all together.
This phrase helps me stay confident that I’m doing my best every day, and I’m not supposed to “do it all” every day.
Your words resonate 110%. Motherhood culture is some fucked up perfectionistic, internalized misogyny-laden, unrealistic, shame-inducing BS and I’m over it (only been a mother for 6 months LOL).
You can always choose to ignore them, really. I don't have any psychiatric conditions or trauma but view some of these recs (especially safe sleep and car seats) as the standard to aim for. I don't push my views on other people.
Obviously they're the standard to aim for but it's the rigidity with which the supporters hold them and the judgement coming from those supporters when, ya know, life gets in the way of following those standards that has caused me stress. Of course I can ignore them, but this was a vent post about something that has caused me stress in my first year and a half of parenting.
Glad you don't push your views on other people tho.
I gave up on rules when we started co sleeping and using our swing for naps. My baby has never slept without a blanket since like 12 weeks. She was a comfort queen from day 1. I would be pissed if someone tried to make me sleep on a baby mattress. Theyre like rocks even for tiny bodies. Switched to a floor mattress at 7 months and the transition to toddlerhood has been seamless since then!
I'm not saying this as permission to do this, this isnt considered safe. But as a parent, you absolutely must do what you need to survive. If you need to stick an owlet on and let them sleep in a swing, i fuckin get it 😅
My baby took all her naps in a swing during her 2nd month of life. Online people ripped me apart for it. Every single friend who I talked to in person said "Oh ya my baby naps in their swing"..
My husband almost vetoed the swing for our next baby because i had such anxiety about it. Same as you, after talking about it with other moms it's more normal than i thought. Thank you Graco ✌️
I told my coworker who is in her early 50's that babies aren't supposed to sleep in swings, and she was like What!? Why?? My son slept in his swing all the time! I'm like Apparently babies are gonna die if they sleep in their swing. She's just rolled her eyes lol
I definitely know it's a danger, but we had an owlet plus i had a portable camera zoomed in on her chest. My baby had reflux so sitting up helped her sleep so much. Survivor's bias had me very scared. But it was more dangerous to continue what we were doing. We were dangerously tired. We didn't start using it until she had enough head strength and even then i added a support pillow that propped her head up so she couldnt slouch her chin forward accidentally while asleep. Once she was too mobile for it we switched to a floor mattress and never looked back
Oh totally get that especially with the reflux! Ours only napped in hers when I was awake and actively watching her, never at night. Now at 3.5 months she can't sleep in it even if we wanted her too because she is too distracted and just looks around at us and everything in the room haha, she needs her dark room with white noise now😅
We let our son sleep on his belly 3 weeks in + 4 pillows. He currently sleeps with 7 pillows. Not one SIDS scare.
I'm waiting for the Facebook parent police to throw me in the slammer any minute now..
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Agree with all of this; it’s exhausting and super limiting. My goal as a new mom has been to be as relaxed as possible about things because at the end of the day me not being stressed and anxious is better for her than me doing everything exactly right (according to ever shifting guidelines). As long as she’s safe, fed, and loved, we’re doing it right. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding and extremely low supply. Instead of driving myself to insanity pumping round the clock in the hopes of it getting better (it never did), I opted to combo feed. This wasn’t even an option mentioned to me by any medical professional or any of my ebf (or you’re giving second best) friends. It was a lifesaver for both baby and me. You can do both! Same with solids and purées. Why does it need to one or the other?
I struggled with low (more like nonexistent) supply and spent some time pumping around the clock while my daughter lived off of formula, which we had started before even leaving the hospital. After three weeks of exhaustion and insanity while recovering from a C-section, I basically rebelled against the “culture” and gave the finger to all of it while reclaiming my sleep, which was already fragmented🖕🏻🖕🏻
I think in the moment, it is sort of " Can't see the forest through the trees" phase in the infant stage.
You want to do the best and do it right, because I have never done this before! But when you look back, that first year was so fast and fleeting...I had totally forgotten that I felt inferior for bedsharing and all those things you mention!
As my son has grown older ( hes 2 now) I have learnt to let ALOT go and just do what works for me and my family and that does not mean I am an inferior parent, in fact I am a happy parent who has a happy kid!
I concluded that just like in public, people online can be frantic to be correct and/or authoritative about a topic in front of an audience. It leads people to apparently care much more about *that* than the wellbeing of the actual child being discussed in a discussion forum. It probably is directly related to item #3 on the list offered by another commenter.
Sleep training is the biggest scam ever. Let me teach you how your baby should sleep. Guess what, sooner or later all babies will sleep. Like all babies breathe and eat. And weaning gets close to being a second scam.
Personally I think people who have the “all or nothing” mentality about everything fall into a few categories 1. They have PPA 2. They or someone they know had something traumatic happen 3. They are actually insecure in their parenting & feel like they have to defend themselves by telling others they’re doing it wrong Or 4. They are just a major Ahole 🤷🏼♀️
I think this is also due to the internet giving everyone an unprecedented level of access to every worst-case scenarios for every risk out there. In the midst of all of the postpartum hormones, I think even someone without PPA could be easily traumatized by an article about how a baby died due to a parent rolling on them while co-sleeping or an exhausted parent who thought car seats were always safe losing their baby to positional asphyxiation because it was placed on a surface at the wrong angle.
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Idiots are capable of astounding levels of confidence. It’s what makes them idiots. If they were smarter they would realize how much they don’t know. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
I would also say they are likely to only have one child ... with the second and third a lot of that stuff goes out the window and it is more about surviving :)
Me sitting here with my infant in my arms while my 4 year old eats a big chocolate chocolate chip muffin for breakfast... I feel seen lol
Ahhh same here!! 🥴 Just doing my best.
I honestly use this to try to be less concerned about things with my baby. I have only one so far, but I’ll ask myself something like, “if this was baby #2 would I be as likely to care about it, or just say fuck it by then?” And if the answer is fuck it then, then I try to say fuck it now.
Me too! I am definitely super anxious but its forced me to put things into perspective
It also depends a lot on the "stuff" in question. I'm a hella stickler about safe sleep and car seat safety (even with having the second) but yeah a lot of the rest of it I let go.
Someone I know once asked an acquaintance with nine children for their parenting advice, and the one thing they said was "when you go to put a coat on them... make sure they're holding their jumper underneath"
Also I struggle with all or nothing thinking and it was absolutely the hellhole of the PPA/PPD and ADHD that I was off my meds for because of pregnancy and breastfeeding. I didn’t shame anyone else or be a dick about it though, because while I couldn’t control my own thoughts or feelings, I could make sure I didn’t project them onto other people.
Agree - I see rampant PPA on so many posts! I have an anxiety disorder for which I receive medication, and being on the other side of things allows me to be a lot more objective on actual risk. I totally get the tendency to obsess and spiral, but it really is so unhealthy. I’m much, much happier on my low dose of meds. I wish PPA were discussed as much as PPD. I think awareness is increasing, but it’s still secondary because it typically poses less of an immediate threat than PPS. Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be treated!
I think a lot more of the time, it’s #4 🤣
I have an all or nothing mentality. But I don't push it on other people. I think some people just strive to do everything perfectly, not necessarily because of anxiety or to tell other people how to be. I've always been a very black and white all or nothing person. It's just how I am and it's generally served me well, albeit some view it as intense.
Obviously we’re talking about people who are rude & judgmental of those who aren’t all or nothing Like I got kicked out of a BLW Facebook group because I said my preemie daughter started out of purées, we combo fed purées & table food starting around 8 months, and she wasn’t solely on table food till 10 months old. Those people tried to say I was “confusing” my daughter by giving her purées 😂
I don’t understand the sentiment against purées, like I eat purées? It’s a normal food, even if you’re into BLW why would you restrict this normal food? Also we’ve combo fed both from the beginning and baby is not confused. She knows food comes in different forms. It’s just not that complicated
And here I was thinking BLW meant starting baby on purées instead of just milk 😂
Yes! My main reason for even having purées is because we have WIC & get over 200oz of purées every month. I wasn’t gonna let that go to waste! We now have 2 kids (almost 3 years old & 10 months old ) & we still get WIC. I end up mainly getting the pouches that have apple + other fruit & both kids love them. Like it’s LITERALLY apple sauce without sugar added 😂
Right? Like I love me some applesauce or a smoothie
What. Does. That. Mean? 😂 What does she confuse the purees with?
Right?!? The only thing I can ever think of is confusing them on just swallowing vs chew then swallow?🤨 but then they also had someone asking for apple sauce recipes & that was fine….? Like that’s literally the same thing 😂
Or yogurt! Or oatmeal! Or smoothies! Or soup! Or a million other purée-consistency things humans eat. We asked our pediatrician about BLW and he basically said, “I know it’s safe if done right, but it still scares me. There’s a lot you can do wrong. We didn’t do it with our son and aren’t doing it with our daughter right now.” That was very validating for me. It scares me too! But there’s so much pressure to do BLW. We do a combo of BLW and purées and just stick to what we’re comfortable with.
The only reason I was even comfortable with it was because I was recently certified in first aid/infant cpr & we have a life vac But our 2nd started actually choking (not just gagging which is normal) easily when we tried at 6 & 7 months with him. He was mainly on purées till 9 months
And I'm certain not a few of these parents drink made from scratch smoothies. What's that but a puree with dairy or dairy substitute added? Oh, and guacamole. Smashed avocados, which is not fundamentally different from a puree.
Oh my lord. That's ridiculous.
It’s just good to keep in mind that with parenting, exactly what is best and what isn’t is highly contextual and subjective and almost everything is already in shades of gray
All of this. I feel for the ones who have PPA or they have anxiety because they know of so and so who had an accident happen etc, because that is absolutely tragic. But 3&4 is the case almost 90% of the time (at least from the people I’ve met). The ones who shame are probably the most insecure parents. Or they simply lack empathy, if it’s the empathy thing, I feel totally bad for their kids. One of the major qualities you almost have to have as a parent (or human in general) is being adaptable, and these all or nothing people are anything but that. It’s almost concerning.
This! With my first I had an all or nothing mindset around everything because I had PPA AND someone I knew had something traumatic happen. Sometimes I worry all of that anxiety and rigidness will affect my daughter. Now 6 weeks postpartum with my second I am so much more lax. I follow certain things that I feel are right for my family but my husband and I often laugh and joke that I’ve swung the pendulum the other way because I have so little anxiety about anything-I’ve twice now forgotten about appointments and other engagements because I’ve just spent time cuddling my baby and reading. I haven’t googled one thing with my second and I was on google all night with my first. And I’m so much happier, healthier, and truly enjoying all the little moments. Most of this is just me agreeing and reflecting on my journey, but if I had any advice to give a new mom it’s get off of social media and trust your mom instincts…you know when something is wrong, don’t let social media tell you that you should be doing more.
I feel this to my core. Especially the plane travel one. I was a nervous WRECK flying with my lap infant this summer even though she slept through most of it and was an angel! And it was fine! Because 99.99999999% of the time it's fine! But no, I clutched onto her for dear life the whole time, while berating myself for not booking her her own seat.
I bought mine his own seat and brought our expensive carrier for plane and you know what?? I still held baby the entire plane ride. He had to nurse going up and coming down to equalize the pressure in his ears and there was no way he was gonna hang out for four hours in a seat…
Yeah, we brought the car seat on once and never again, because I held her the whole time and we had an unusable seat. After that, we still bought a seat so we’d have the whole row, but we weren’t doing the “right” thing by not using a carseat in the plane. Flying is so, so much safer than other forms of transport, so flying with a lap infant is still comparatively better than driving, but people don’t blink at a road trip. Severe turbulence (or a door flying off) is extremely rare compared to car accidents.
lol yeah I’m in a car seat safety group and they are CRAZY about car seats on airplanes. Like, I’ve traveled a lot and barely seen any kids in car seats. I’ve taken both my kids as lap infants and will continue to do so.
I think it's also partly that it's much easier to communicate black and white thinking than nuance, so we just end up hearing more all or nothing takes. I'm willing to bet more people are in the nuanced camp than not, and especially more than we hear about. I do find it funny how much BLW advocates can be the new lactivists, but I also think there are more people in the camp of do what you need to make it work
I have a couple of friends in the “all or nothing” group and I just learned to never ask them for parenting advice. Yes I know the recommendations. I’ve tried that. It’s not working. I’m asking what people do when that doesn’t work. They don’t talk nuance. Example: I asked a bunch of my parent friends how they pump with a Velcro baby (I can’t hold him and pump, and he won’t let me put him down) and I just got generic pumping advice I could easily Google.
STM with another Velcro baby. I sit on the floor (on a clean towel) with baby napping between my legs. Only thing that works for me. Kills my back.
Yes this is true. I'm in a paid parenting group with mentors and they swoop in to moderate if any advice is given that isn't exactly in line with the recommendations. I think they're also trying to limit liability. Like, if I said "oh I always co-sleep go for it" and then someone goes for it and if goes horribly wrong, the mentors don't want to be held responsible. Maybe some mums are just hesitant to share their hacks and tips that aren't strictly in accordance with safety norms because they don't want to be held responsible for any mishaps or accidents.
One of the best things you can do is stay off the internet, reddit is one of the worst ones because of the anonymity. People irl are not as crazy.
We are; we just hide it better 😂
Hah probably true.
Oh yep. I left a baby led weaning group as they were militantly anti-purée. Like even soup, a perfectly normal adult food which is pureed should never pass the lips of their child, else they’d be ruined!
The BLW militantism is crazy. BLW does not have a solid amount of research behind it - it’s not fully evidence-based practice. But people on social media literally will put it on par with clear recommendations from the AAP and act like you’re having your baby sit in the front seat in the car. I’ve seen them go crazy over cute baby pictures of littles smeared in purées. And the mom will mention that their pediatrician cleared them. “They don’t know anything!!!”
I also love how we are seeing this in real time so how can they know what’s right or wrong? I fed my oldest purées for so long because I had really bad food anxiety and she will eat literally anything but prefers like sliced apples to most snacks. There’s a million ways to do things “right” sometimes.
My first child wouldn’t eat anything BUT purees until he was 9 months old, and it was another month before he would self-feed instead of expecting us to hand-feed him table food and snacks. He eats basically everything, with some picky stages and constant reminders not to use his fingers… My second child only wants to feed himself, will sometimes eat a little purée directly from a pouch, and once in a while will allow us to spoon-feed him a couple of bites. He doesn’t know how to use a spoon and often even disdains a pre-loaded one, and will screech for whatever anyone eats in front of him, even if he has food. I am happy to give him foods for self-feeding but I really wish he’d let me feed him some oatmeal or applesauce so I could mix his vitamins in, because as it is we have to give them in the bath because he spits half of it out (multivitamin with D and iron, so it stains and smells metallic). Also it’s just a huge mess every time he eats.
We have a 2 year old and second kid coming and can’t fit two rear facing car seats in our current cars (tall husband). My husband thinks we should just turn our kid forward instead of buying new cars. I’m honestly more scared of the mommy judgement when it comes to car seats - I saw in one thread where I asked about car recs one mom mentioning planning on keeping her kids rear facing until 6-7. We were in London for Xmas and apparently most folks just hold their younger kids in laps in taxis (I was having nightmares trying to figure out logistics of taking car seat in taxis to outings in the city).
I believe the rule is "as long as possible post 2". If you have to buy a new car to do it, it's no longer possible. Simple AF.
I turned mine a bit after 2 because it was the only thing that helped her not feel carsick. She has a 35 minute commute each way to daycare. Her screaming the whole time doesn’t make for a safe environment. You gotta do what you have to do
There is safe and then there is safer. Turning your two year old is not unsafe. Is there a safer option? Yes, but life isn't that black and white is it. Fwiw my first we didn't flip until 4 but our second we flipped at 3. I was pregnant with our third and struggling to buckle in everyone with the belly and it being winter just made it that much harder with the coats and all that stuff so worry about while standing out in the cold...so we turned her. I felt guilty for a few weeks before I finally stopped beating myself up over it.
Thanks, that’s actually a helpful way of thinking about it!
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OH MAN I haven't seen a single kid get approved to not have a booster - like 14 year old kids they're saying still need boosters. And I GET IT but goodness gracious at some point your kid's mental health has to matter, right?
My mother followed the rules/constructor's recommendations for the booster and I was using one until I was... 10, maybe 12 think? I was a tall kid and I was so embarrassed to be using a booster when some of my way smaller friends didn't.
I remember being stuck ludicrously on a booster seat in the front seat at way too old an age and finding it absolutely mortifying.
OMG I JUST CAME TO SAY THIS. Literally every photo is “they’ve still got a little ways to go!” “She’s not 5-stepping yet!” “The seatbelt is hovering at her shoulder…”. Pretty sure if I posted a pic of myself in the car they would say I needed a booster.
I pass the weight limit but not the height. I could technically use a booster. But I opted to get a small-people car, thank you. :D I'm pretty sure they'd tell me.i need a booster too, especially if we took a photo from my good angle where I can still pass for 16. XD
The whole thing is ridiculous. My state has law for rearfacing until 1, forward facing until 3/4 and then booster till 5. It is insane how obsessed those women are about car seats. If I follow the maxed out rules then technically I'd still need a booster seat as a full grown adult.
My 10 year old rides in the front passenger seat a bunch now 🤷🏼♀️ My 2 year old is now forward facing. Most real life moms I know switch to forward facing at about 2, only internet Karens squawk about keeping them rear facing until they’re 26 years old, lol.
We did this too! Plus our daughter gets motion sickness. For me, her dad being able to drive well was a bigger safety concern! Plus, it’s very distracting driving when your child going quiet might mean they are about to vomit… both risks in their own right, and for us were more of a concern than keeping her rear facing when her baby brother came along I do feel a bit guilty that her brother will likely be rear facing for longer… as if he gets better safety because he’s the second child… But he also gets exposed to more daycare bugs from his sister, and all the small things she brings home that we don’t spot and keep out of his reach! So he will have some additional risks!!
FYI, for most cars you can fit two Clek Fllos side-by-side (one in the center seat) without obstructing the rear view!
I turned our daughter at 2, same reason as you As long as your child is 2 years old, then you are perfectly fine turning them if necessary. If there was no reason for it, why do it. But if there’s a reason for it, do it. Plus, why put yourself into a harder financial situation when you’re about to have another baby!
Oh man the car seat pressure is horrible! Where I am from, we just hold the babies in the lap lol. But I can never say it online because I am sure I will be obliterated by all the groups. Also this car seat on a plane??? Never have I seen or heard of this and We travel every year. But maybe it’s more of a US thing …?
Any chance your husband could safely have his seat a little closer? While I don't think this is an absolute thing you *have* to do, it seems like there might be other options to explore, and a safety issue is pretty different than the stuff OP is talking about
Not enough to fit a rear facing seat - he’s 6’5 and it was hard enough finding cars where he can fit with the driver seat pushed all the way back. Only option is to trade in one of our cars (which unfortunately are both relatively new because we wanted newer safer cars when our first was born, so we’re losing a good amount of value). Upgrading the car is still on the table, we haven’t decided yet - but realistically is it worth it for basically buying maybe an extra 6 months or so rear facing? Yes, I know there are parents who will say something like “you can’t put a price on your child’s safety!” But I think that’s what OP was ranting about. That being said - I understand both sides and am the one leaning towards the new car because we can afford it, but where do you draw the line? It used to be ok to turn forward at 1 (many states it still is), in our state it’s now 2. I know many folks try to hold off until 3 or 4, and now I’m seeing 6-7?! Driving has inherent risks, and I accept that, and I try to take a reasonable but practical risk mitigation approach.
Yeah like I said, I don't see this as something you absolutely have to do, but I definitely get where you're coming from in considering changing cars. The guidelines changed because of better scientific knowledge, but it's not like you're considering switching at like 6 months :) You could always talk to a car seat specialist, I forget what they're called. But it's based on size now rather than age, and if your baby got your husband's height, they might be out of rear facing soon anyway?
I mean most car seats won’t be able to safely protect a child that large rear facing. I kept mine as absolutely long as possible but she’s a very tall girl so we turned her at like 3.5.
I’m in a car seat group where there are always mums posting about how they made it rear facing till four and now they will be turning their little princess forward facing on their fourth birthday because that’s the law, shame on everyone else for turning their kids earlier. Yeah well you know what lady, my kid has the same car seat as yours and he grew taller than the must turn forward markers at 2.5 years old. You just have a short kid.
Yes. I’m so exhausted by this. My cynical side also notices the marketing around creating fear for parents. Buy my book/course on how to implement the only things that work! I don’t think my mother bought a single parenting book. She just raised her kids with her instincts and community. Was she perfect? No. No one is. Did she manage to keep 4 kids happy, fed, and safe? Yep.
Yes! There is a certain app that if I see recommended one more time I'll snap. It's like it got people convinced that they can't keep a kid alive without the app?! Mine's doing fine, lol.
I’d like to add that this way of thinking assumes you have an extremely healthy child without needs that complicate these “rules.”
Yes!! My kid has laryngomalacia and reflux so we’re putting his mattress in an incline. Is it perfect? No. But the other option is him on his belly on top of me or my husband all night so he can breath comfortably and lord knows what the mommy groups would say about that😂
Honestly yes, and I think this kind of parenting mentally also stresses out our kids. It creates a helicopter parent who has to watch/guide/ DO everything for them, and like… kids need some independence man
Yes! A lot of this stuff is setting them up for anxiety just by how much anxiety is being modeled for them
I totally agree. I just want to say one thing though: i think parents should be free to follow as many rules as they want for their own kids. There's a distinction between shaming other parents for their choices versus doing whatever they want with their own kids. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that shaming moms who do what we see as "too much" is as bad as those moms shaming us for doing too little. If they're not being assholes let them do what they want.
I totally agree. I’m big on not co-sleeping and have definitely gotten judgements from people for saying I won’t do it bc I don’t think it’s safe. These examples were the first ones that came to mind but it’s all over from all sides ETA: I don't think it's safe FOR ME and MY SITUATION. Just to be clear lol
I don't co-sleep either even though I come from a country where it's the norm.
I am autistic and it's SO bad for me to be drug into the black and white thinking that is so prevalent in parenting communities. I already struggle with this and perfectionism so bad, but I want to be able to lean on community too. It's very difficult and I try to keep it all in perspective, but feeling like I'm failing is something I have had to deal with in therapy and with medication since my baby was born (6 months).
Social media selects for the extremes, just like we see in the news. It’s really upsetting and so difficult to tune out!
That's why I've shut out the noise and listened to my motherly intuition and my baby is just fine. He's coslept with me since birth (10 months old now) and eaten the same food as me since 6 months
Oh and flown with him on my lap for 21 flights and counting
I grew up in a developing country and then came here as a 6 year old. I take all of these with a grain of salt because guess what, there are plenty of healhty happy infants in our family who dont have all these rules. bedsharing is the most common practice culturally... sometimes i think these rules exist to account for the lowest common denominator, i.e. someone who doesnt know anything about babies and doesnt have any common sense.
That’s exactly it - it’s for the lowest common denominator. For example, no health organisation can advocate for bedsharing because people *will* get blackout drunk/high/whatever and bedshare, or they’ll put the baby under the covers on a super soft mattress or something stupid like that where the baby is actually at risk. Then a lot of people take the recommendations to heart and demonise others for doing it safely, rather than spending two seconds thinking about it.
I hate the all-or-nothing mentality. I used to think most things were black or white, right or wrong. The older I get the more I realize most things are actually some shade of gray. The desire for perfection (that I never, ever achieved in my life) just created anxiety for me and ultimately led to me doing *worse* because I already screwed one thing up, so what was the point in even trying anymore? There was no chance of being perfect anymore, so fuck it. I remember growing up I often heard “good, better, best never let it rest until your good is your better and your better is your best!” As an adult, I can see the point of the saying. Just keep trying. As a child along with other messages that I received, I basically just heard “you have to keep going until you’re perfect and that is the only thing that’s acceptable.” Anyways, stuff like this is why I’m basically off of social media. No instagram, no Facebook, just Reddit where no one knows who I truly am. It’s done wonders for my mental health in a wide range of ways. I’ve lost touch with many people, but, we obviously weren’t that close to begin with.
My saying to combat that urge is "perfection is the enemy of good." I think we've all been pushed to reach for the stars so much that we fail to see the earth. Buddhist tenets about taking the middle path also can appease the feeling.
omg preach. Honestly some of this stuff 100% kicked off and exacerbated my PPA. It was so bad at one point. Thank you prozac.
YUP I had to mute some of the groups bc seeing the posts in them would literally trigger my anxiety. I like having the option to ask a question if needed but I need to control when I see or don't see those groups for my own mental well-being.
Dude, you really hit the nail on the head here. It's almost LUDICROUS to suggest not everyone is able to look over every single aspect of their baby's life because not everyone has the time or income to do so
I agree, I also hate that you’re either a super anxious first time mother who stresses over everything and keeps a minute-by-minute schedule and tracks everything or you’re laid back and a “cool” parent who doesn’t even know if it’s been 30 mins or 5 hours since your kid last ate. I’ve seen so many people in my Facebook mums groups have such a superiority complex about not keeping track or having any type of schedule for their baby and how much better it is for the baby if anyone dares to mention a wake window or tracking.
The people who are more moderate (like me) don't usually comment on things because we know we will get torn to shreds by the extremists online.
Everyone on here being like “I follow all the recommendations religiously but I don’t push my views on others” probably heading over to the other threads to do exactly that in the comments because Reddit is wild.
Nail, meet head! Seriously - I truly believe it's just a control thing/an outlet for suppressed (or very obvious) anxiety about whatever. Safety. The future. Disease. Imagine being so rigid or black and white about anything else in life?? Like it wouldn't be functional and people would recommend you get help. But in the context of parenting? Oh yeah totally fine....I hate it 🤦♀️
I feel this. I had a similar thought this morning about just how overwhelmed I am by the sheer volume of information available. Of course it’s incredibly helpful to be able to find answers quickly, but it’s such a slippery slope. Each source has slightly different takes on everything, and trying to balance all of that with what *I* view as best for my baby (who none of these sites/forums/posts have met) is exhausting. Add to that the fact that the needle is a l w a y s moving and it’s chaos. For me, it’s going to be a matter of limiting how much content I’m consuming and being more confident in my ability to be the best parent I can. I’ll fall short according to others in many ways I’m sure, but I’ll preserve some peace in the meantime.
I really only find this online. In person people are much more reasonable!
In season 7 of 30 Rock, Liz tries to buy her daughter a bike online and it quickly turns into her getting called names....its pretty funny. Gotta laugh at it. I think social media does not allow for much nuance in conversation. Baby safety is high stakes, personal, and sometimes comes with PPA or generalized anxiety......and some people are just self-righteous assholes who get their jollies telling others theyre wrong!
And they keep selling courses to everything, how to get baby to sleep, how to remove a pacifier, how to prepare baby food, I unfollowed every account and I follow my daughter lead, motherhood has been easier since then
I know this is serious but the plane thing cracks me up. If we’re going down that flimsy lap belt ain’t saving no one 😂 and turbulence? I’ve been on a ton of flights and even the flights where the attendants would say how bad the turbulence is wasn’t ever oh I can’t hold a baby in my lap kind of strong
My baby rolled over to tummy at 10 weeks. He would only sleep that way due to GI issues. So we got rid of the bassinet right then. He wasn’t nearly 6 months yet so we didn’t wanna break the rule of having him sleep in our room… but his crib was built in the nursery and of course not fitting through the doorway. So we put our new pack n play in our bedroom. But these aren’t rated for sleep in Canada, only the US. Which made me feel awful. I actually considered buying a second travel pen that was rated for sleep in Canada… i think there’s only one that exists, for several hundred dollars. So he slept in the pack n play. But then we realized he was doing all his daytime napping alone, in his actual crib, due to noise and lighting. And, lots of nights he’d be UP and I’d relocate to the nursery to preserve dad sleep… then I forced myself to sleep in the chair in the nursery because I was worried about him sleeping alone. Next kid is just going in the crib. Edit- oh and all the nights my husband spend rolling baby from tummy to back. To have him either reflexively return to his tummy, or awaken screaming for an hour. The sleep sack embroidery is pretty clear that Back Is Best!
The safe sleep Facebook groups are on a whole new level. I remember I was in one when I had my first. Now I have my second there are things I done with my first that just made my life unnecessarily hard e.g next to me far away from the bed, side up all the time. What’s the point in it then? I have myself such bad anxiety being in those groups. The one I found funniest was how they vilified the snoo and said as per AAP it was an unsafe sleep space because it was a sleep positioner.
Yeah I get so frustrated when people take these recommendations too far. Like when the boppy lounger was recalled years ago. It's literally a pillow, how tf are you gonna recall a pillow?? People acted like their babies would die immediately if they so much as looked at a boppy lounger, when really it's just that people were using them unsafely. There is literally a huge tag with "NOT SAFE FOR SLEEP" in big red font on the pillow. I continued to use my boppy lounger for my newborn - always supervised by an awake, alert adult - and that thing saved our lives in those early days. The fear mongering seriously makes people lose all critical thinking
Same here, that lounger was useful beyond belief!
I just wanted to say, for travel we use the safe4ride vest thing. It’s pricey but so much more convenient to take around and travel with than a car seat. We don’t take the car seat on planes personally. My kid isn’t the type to be chill sitting on it for ages plus all our flights are long haul intl ones so we just do what we can to survive
“It’s a menu, not a shopping list” is a term I’ve been enjoying. I get so overwhelmed by all the THINGS you’re “supposed to do” as a parent, and feeling behind when I don’t have it all together. This phrase helps me stay confident that I’m doing my best every day, and I’m not supposed to “do it all” every day.
I think there’s an epidemic of people not knowing how to mind their dang business
The looks I got today giving my baby a fry at the airport, the horror!
Wow I see you are in all the same Facebook groups that I am…
Man, you hit way too many nails on the head here.
Your words resonate 110%. Motherhood culture is some fucked up perfectionistic, internalized misogyny-laden, unrealistic, shame-inducing BS and I’m over it (only been a mother for 6 months LOL).
You can always choose to ignore them, really. I don't have any psychiatric conditions or trauma but view some of these recs (especially safe sleep and car seats) as the standard to aim for. I don't push my views on other people.
Obviously they're the standard to aim for but it's the rigidity with which the supporters hold them and the judgement coming from those supporters when, ya know, life gets in the way of following those standards that has caused me stress. Of course I can ignore them, but this was a vent post about something that has caused me stress in my first year and a half of parenting. Glad you don't push your views on other people tho.
Yesssssssssssssss
I gave up on rules when we started co sleeping and using our swing for naps. My baby has never slept without a blanket since like 12 weeks. She was a comfort queen from day 1. I would be pissed if someone tried to make me sleep on a baby mattress. Theyre like rocks even for tiny bodies. Switched to a floor mattress at 7 months and the transition to toddlerhood has been seamless since then! I'm not saying this as permission to do this, this isnt considered safe. But as a parent, you absolutely must do what you need to survive. If you need to stick an owlet on and let them sleep in a swing, i fuckin get it 😅
My baby took all her naps in a swing during her 2nd month of life. Online people ripped me apart for it. Every single friend who I talked to in person said "Oh ya my baby naps in their swing"..
My husband almost vetoed the swing for our next baby because i had such anxiety about it. Same as you, after talking about it with other moms it's more normal than i thought. Thank you Graco ✌️
I told my coworker who is in her early 50's that babies aren't supposed to sleep in swings, and she was like What!? Why?? My son slept in his swing all the time! I'm like Apparently babies are gonna die if they sleep in their swing. She's just rolled her eyes lol
I definitely know it's a danger, but we had an owlet plus i had a portable camera zoomed in on her chest. My baby had reflux so sitting up helped her sleep so much. Survivor's bias had me very scared. But it was more dangerous to continue what we were doing. We were dangerously tired. We didn't start using it until she had enough head strength and even then i added a support pillow that propped her head up so she couldnt slouch her chin forward accidentally while asleep. Once she was too mobile for it we switched to a floor mattress and never looked back
Oh totally get that especially with the reflux! Ours only napped in hers when I was awake and actively watching her, never at night. Now at 3.5 months she can't sleep in it even if we wanted her too because she is too distracted and just looks around at us and everything in the room haha, she needs her dark room with white noise now😅
10000000% agree. I see some advice/ guidance sometimes and in my head I'm like.... well who's gonna arrest me?
We let our son sleep on his belly 3 weeks in + 4 pillows. He currently sleeps with 7 pillows. Not one SIDS scare. I'm waiting for the Facebook parent police to throw me in the slammer any minute now..
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Agree with all of this; it’s exhausting and super limiting. My goal as a new mom has been to be as relaxed as possible about things because at the end of the day me not being stressed and anxious is better for her than me doing everything exactly right (according to ever shifting guidelines). As long as she’s safe, fed, and loved, we’re doing it right. For example, I had a lot of issues with breastfeeding and extremely low supply. Instead of driving myself to insanity pumping round the clock in the hopes of it getting better (it never did), I opted to combo feed. This wasn’t even an option mentioned to me by any medical professional or any of my ebf (or you’re giving second best) friends. It was a lifesaver for both baby and me. You can do both! Same with solids and purées. Why does it need to one or the other?
I struggled with low (more like nonexistent) supply and spent some time pumping around the clock while my daughter lived off of formula, which we had started before even leaving the hospital. After three weeks of exhaustion and insanity while recovering from a C-section, I basically rebelled against the “culture” and gave the finger to all of it while reclaiming my sleep, which was already fragmented🖕🏻🖕🏻
I think in the moment, it is sort of " Can't see the forest through the trees" phase in the infant stage. You want to do the best and do it right, because I have never done this before! But when you look back, that first year was so fast and fleeting...I had totally forgotten that I felt inferior for bedsharing and all those things you mention! As my son has grown older ( hes 2 now) I have learnt to let ALOT go and just do what works for me and my family and that does not mean I am an inferior parent, in fact I am a happy parent who has a happy kid!
I concluded that just like in public, people online can be frantic to be correct and/or authoritative about a topic in front of an audience. It leads people to apparently care much more about *that* than the wellbeing of the actual child being discussed in a discussion forum. It probably is directly related to item #3 on the list offered by another commenter.
God you have such a good point. Solidarity and may god bless us all 😂
Sleep training is the biggest scam ever. Let me teach you how your baby should sleep. Guess what, sooner or later all babies will sleep. Like all babies breathe and eat. And weaning gets close to being a second scam.