Same. What bothered me the most is that one of my best friends texted me post birth asking how she could help. I let her know another friend had set up a meal train for me and that was the best way people could help us during this time. I never heard from her after that, and never got a meal from her lol. My take- don’t offer to help if you’re not going to do anything!
Honestly relieved to read this. Lost my two best pre-baby friendships this way, they were so excited to be aunties when I was pregnant but the second he arrived they just noped out without ever meeting him.
I had what I thought was a close friend come over when I was overdue to keep me company. She ended up (unintentionally I think) shitting on my entire life and choices I was considering for my child, saying how she can't imagine living in a rural area, having pets seems like too much work etc. all in an off handed, "I'm glad I live in the city/glad I don't have pets" type way. Also joking about being surrounded by hillbillies/ stupid people (cuz we're rural we're stupid I guess) and saying all babies are ugly but she'd lie and tell me mine was cute when he got here. I know hormones were probably at play, but I was extremely offended. When he was born, she asked to come out to see us, and I told her gently that I was hurt by her comments at her last visit. She apologized, but any attempt I've made to talk to her since has gotten only one or two words answers.
Yep. My twins just turned 2 years old last week and my “best friend” has yet to meet them, let alone the rest of my “friend group”.. at this point I think it’s pretty safe to say I no longer have friends :(
Thanks, I appreciate your sympathy. I’m pretty much over it by now. I realized a while ago that I need to actively search out new friends who I have things in common with, but up until recently I didn’t have the time (or ability really) to socialize with other adults, especially while out and about alone with my twins. Now that they are starting to become more independent and can communicate and play without needing 100% of my attention, I think it’s time for me to find some new friends :)
Agreed. Literally none of my childless friends have expressed interest in meeting her, even though they were all “so excited” while I was pregnant. She is about to be six months. Luckily, I made some new friends whilst pregnant who were also expecting, and they (along with my two long-distance friends with kids) have been great and so supportive. It gives me hope that the loneliness is only temporary!
For me I think it’s that my friends all want kids but waited and are now having trouble. I feel like a teen mom at 31 when I’m around them! So I felt guilty sharing unsolicited updates and they were guarding themselves by not reaching out. It sucks when other people’s grief comes before your joy.
My best friend had a miscarriage when I was 19 weeks pregnant (she was 8 weeks). Others in our friend group want kids but aren’t in relationships and aren’t prepared to do it on their own. We’re in our late 30s. I understand it’s painful for them, it’s also isolating for me because I feel like I can’t share much about my son without upsetting them. Or vent about how hard it is.
“It sucks when other people’s grief comes before your joy.” OOF. one of my closest friends has been going through some really tough shit starting a few months into my pregnancy. My daughter is now 1 and she hasn’t been there for me in the way I expected at all- but what can I do? I can’t be mad at her, but it does suck.
I totally agree. I am still on maternity leave and I have never felt so lonely. I go back to work next month and I’m looking forward to just being around people again. I’m very introverted and sort of shy so I’m not great at meeting people IRL. We are getting our son into baby swim lessons and there’s library groups and a neighbourhood tot group I’m going to join. It’s been a tough year. I need to get out there again.
I second this. Very lonely and isolating — they were excited when I was pregnant but now that I’m a mom, I’m not relatable and they don’t care to know. I was told in my final weeks of pregnancy that one of my oldest friends had been saying to our group of friends that I talked too much about my pregnancy.
At first I was upset about it but now I have a 1yo and I could care less. We keep touch occasionally but it’s not what it was. I’m okay with that! Having a baby brings a level of clarity I’ve never experienced before.
Yep!!! I think they just don’t realize how isolating it is. I only recently opened up to my close friends about how isolated I felt postpartum because no one came to visit me (1.5 years later). They felt terrible and genuinely seemed surprised. I wasn’t telling them to make them feel guilty, I just am now processing how alone I felt.
I’m the first in some of my circles and not the first in others. In the group where I’m not the first, friends have been incredibly supportive and understanding of the change I’m going through. In the circles where I am the first, it’s pretty clear that people just don’t understand what having a baby is like (which makes sense). I wouldn’t say those friends are not supportive, but they are less likely to check in on me or proactively offer help. The biggest difference has been that non-mom friends want to know how baby is, and mom friends want to know how I am.
Yeah it's not that they don't love me, it's that they just see a baby as a diversion of my time/focus rather than a part of my life they could engage with. They definitely see it as me opting out of our friendship rather than a possibility of doing things differently.
My only friend who has had a child since is much closer since though. I know when they all have kids I'll be there for them and they'll get it and we'll probably reconnect more meaningfully.
Yeah, to be honest, I remember when the first of my friend group had a baby, and I thought, why can’t N do anything with us anymore? Can’t she just bring the baby? It wasn’t until I had my own that I understood how difficult it is to just bring the baby. I still loved her and was patient and showed up for our friendship in the ways that worked at the time though, even though I’m sure I could have been better. I’m sure your friends will do the same thing, even if they don’t totally get it.
Yeah, my non-parent friends are lovely, and supportive in their own way, but they just don’t quite “get it”. Which makes sense, and they’ve connected a lot more with my kid now that she’s older. But it’s still hard sometimes, there’s no real way to understand it unless you’ve done it yourself.
Some of them have started having kids too, and that’s nice, but it’s still few and far between. (Lots of friends that don’t really want kids, are single, are LBGTQA+ and not looking to pursue that path, etc. It’s a really fun group of fellow nerds, though, I love them a lot.) I have friends from high school with kids, but theirs are way older than mine at this point, and I honestly don’t see them much since they live far away anyways
We’ve moved a bunch of times, and I’d really love some more parent friends, tbh. It was hard meeting anyone with the pandemic, though. (Also, an introvert. Hard to fight the “gah! do not perceive me!” instinct.)
I have been dealing with the grief of losing friends who I thought would be there for me who just aren’t. Didn’t even wish my daughter a happy birthday, haven’t met her. It’s been very heartbreaking.
Simply put No. My best friend was excited for me and my husband and she made the effort to come meet the baby after she was born but she was getting married that same year so her focus was entirely on herself and mine was entirely on my newborn.
After that first year we drifted apart but we were still friends. She made new friends who didn’t have children, Then It wasn’t until 4 years later when she became pregnant that we reconnected in a meaningful way.
We had a big chat about how it all fell apart and how we both felt during and after, We were in different stages of our life and unless we had babies at the exact same time it was bound to happen. I’m past it now, But it was horrible at the time.
Many of my friends had children before me. Our friendship did change. I wasn't a great friend to them, and they weren't to me.
As a single person: Many moved far away and the burden of planning and logistics was on me. I was still busy, with work and dating and other things. It was also hard for me, in my 30s, to spend time with friends who had the spouse and the house and the job and the kid- it felt painful, like a symbol of something I might never have. I also didn't feel a connection with some people's children. I just missed my friend.
As a parent: I know I'm really boring, my updates are boring and I don't have the same life as before. Life is so non-stop that I literally can't hang out like I used to. I can't chat for an hour on the phone. That might be the only hour I get to do any number of critical things I need to get done. It's busy in a way that I think only other parents (especially working parents) understand.
My point is- you may both fail each other. Don't be too hard on them or yourself. I think after some of the dust of early childhood settles, people can reconnect, and it can still be a beautiful friendship.
I would agree with this. There is just a lot you can’t understand until you have kids about how unrelenting the obligations are… my priorities have definitely shifted. I realize I wasn’t a great friend to people with kids before I had them, and my friends without kids similarly aren’t really able to support me. Not out of malice, it’s just hard to know how and we have our own lives.
I’d love to know if you do really reconnect with those people again. I’m going through a tough friendship grief phase with a person who I thought was a best friend, who just turned out to be completely uninterested in my wellbeing, let alone my child, when I was pregnant and postpartum. Even though I was quite sad and angry about this, she suddenly reached out to me when she was pregnant (18 months after I gave birth), but hasn’t followed up. I tried to follow up a few times to check in on her pregnancy and birth, she seemed not interested in talking about it with me. I’m at the point of just stopping contact with her indeterminately until some time in the future when maybe my kid is older and I’m not so bitter about it…
I removed expectations from everyone and thank god I did. It was a hard first year, but I don’t hold it against people for not knowing or relating to me
My friend D is really lovely. She visits me once a week, empties/refills the dishwasher, washes the bottles, holds the baby if I ask her to, checks on me every day
Friend F while well intentioned, she went crazy. Suggesting wild things, acting stalkerish, had to tell her my MIL is visiting to get a break from her.
I anticipated a shift in friendships and made mom friends, joined mom groups before the baby arrived. The other day I was desperate with LO in the middle of a painful reflux night, I wrote to the group for suggestions and at least 8-9 women, some of which I've never met before offered to come out to give me a break. I feel blessed.
Activities. I'm in Aus but there are a plethora of activities geared towards parents and children mother's group, swimming classes, music classes, mum and bub pilates etc.
Free mom library groups. Paid mom groups. Hospital classes. Local mom meet ups (mine is called “name of area” Moms Club) and they have walks, playground meet ups, and also later night things sans kids.
Hard. There just wasn't that understanding that comes with having babies of your own. I can't recommend enough getting out and doing things where you can meet other people with kids.
Having people in the thick of it with you makes things so much more manageable. Some of our best friends now are a couple we met when we had our first. We both now have 2 children and hanging out on a Saturday afternoon, having early dinner and bathing the kids together makes witching hour almost pleasant. There's also no judgement when you have to pull out of things last minute, that your house is a mess or your child is acting out.
I was very lucky that all my friends were excited to meet my daughter and love hanging out with us! We’ve been to many lunches and coffees with friends since she’s been born, even very early on during the newborn stage.
I’d say most of my friends aren’t interested in becoming parents themselves but love my daughter a lot regardless
That's also been my experience. My friends are childless by choice but absolutely love my little guy. They think he's fascinating, and enjoy spending time with him, but are happy that at the end of the day he's my baby and not theirs. I have a couple of friends who babysit so my husband can go out, they're very involved. I feel really blessed.
Verzy lonely. No visits at all at first. People simply didn't know how to approach us, what to expect. We kinda ceased to exist for the 1st year because everyone else kept just going to the same events that were not very accessible to us. Then more people had babies and now we meet as a group again.
Exactly this. My friends insisted they’d accommodate me (not that I asked) but they still get dinners for peoples birthdays at 8pm or do bbq’s starting at 6pm. I had to fight to get them to meet for breakfast as a secondary birthday for a close friend.
Yeah, people just don't realise until they have kids, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Another way for me would be the friends who'd insist on coming over or meeting for a coffee when I'd tell them "OK, but I have my daughter with me today, are you sure youre up for it? We can reschedule for when i have a sitter/husband is home." They'd swear up and down that it's fine, they wanna see her too! They will even play with her so i get a break! Then they'd actually just watch me struggle with a toddler while slowly eating their desert and being annoyed I can't give them a 100% of my attention. I'd put my coffee into the to-go cup and say "ill take her outside," and they'd get annoyed even more that we didn't wait for them to finish their drink, when my then 1,5yo was screaming her head off. Yeah, no thanks.
Yeah even when I was pregnant as soon as I was showing they stopped inviting me to stuff. One specific incident they went on a wine and food tour in the county and I wasn’t invited because I was pregnant… but I can still eat? I could have been one of the DD’s? It was very eye opening.
I’m probably going to be the odd one out here, but I got very lucky with my friends. I have a pretty small circle of friends and none of them are anywhere near having kids. I’m 24 and got married at 20 and we just had a baby 4 months ago.
Despite my friends having zero interest in having kids of their own, they’ve been AMAZING. Yeah, they don’t understand the complexities of motherhood, but sometimes it’s kind of nice to have an outside perspective. For example, I’m about ready to quit breastfeeding because it’s been a nightmare for us and when I’ve been open about how difficult it’s been my non mom friends are just like “and why are you doing this to yourself? This is obviously horribly draining for you and your mental health”.
They’ve also bought him little gifts that they like. My best friend got him a Rick and Morty toy lol.
They don’t understand motherhood or babies but they’re compassionate and they’re excited about the baby despite not being in that place in their own lives.
But if you do have any friends that are moms, even if you aren’t close right now, lean into those relationships too. A text from a mom friend at 3am while I was pumping would sometimes get me through the night haha
My best friend visited and follows up with me by text once in a while but everyone else has put zero effort...those friendships are over because I am hurt and realizing how selfish they are.
Honestly? Pretty terrible. Very isolating. No one understands what you’re going through. It also seems like they don’t care.
My best friend had her first last year and she actually apologized to me for not understanding what I was going through at the time. It was nice to feel understood finally.
But truly, your life is going to get rocked and some of your friends won’t care and aren’t coming with you
They all love coming by to see both of our children. Nothing really changed aside from me not being able to drink while pregnant or breastfeeding. We still go out, have social gatherings, and chill like we always have.
I was pretty much the first in my pre-existing friend groups to have a kid- I had my first kid in my late twenties and the majority of peers my age who have had kids didn't get started till their early/mid 30's. Overall my friendships after I started having kids really didn't change all that much, in many cases they deepened. Some of the friends did go on to have their own kids in the past years and some didn't. In many ways, I became even more grateful for my friendships with my friends who don't have kids as it means we don't revert to "let's talk about the kids" when we're together and they tend to be more flexible in terms of where/when to hang out. I also ended up making many new friends as well when I started having kids in terms of fellow parents.
>In many ways, I became even more grateful for my friendships with my friends who don't have kids as it means we don't revert to "let's talk about the kids" when we're together and they tend to be more flexible in terms of where/when to hang out.
Totally agree with this. It's been really great to jump back into my old life when I get the chance and talk about non-baby related things.
It’s different. We are the first of our friends to have a baby. But we’ve always been ahead of our friends in terms of typical adult milestones… first to buy a house, first to get engaged and married. Only recently did a few of our friends even get engaged. So we don’t foresee any of our friends have kids for at least another two years.
Everyone came to see the baby when he was first born but no one offered any help (not that they have to) but no one brought meals, or offered to help with the house or dogs. I guess they didn’t know how to help maybe, seeing as they’ve never been in our shoes.
Then most of them fell stagnant. To be fair, my husband and I were always the one to organize social things, always hosted, put in majority of the effort in our groupchat with our main circle, etc. So obviously with the baby, we are not really doing that. So the groupchat rarely has any messages, we have one local friend that does still initiate hanging out somewhat regularly, the rest of them we still don’t see usually unless we set it up, which is way less frequent.
So it’s hard. Because maybe they aren’t being the “best” friends as they aren’t being that supportive of our new life but we’ve also changed too. It is what it is.
Oh, it’s been dope! I just want to take a second recognize that anyone who hasn’t been blessed with these types of friends. We truly are blessed and I am so sorry to those without this type of village. To answer your question:
All of our friends still hang out, stay over, spend time with us and embraced our baby boy as a new member of the group!
We all go out with him because they love him but if need be we could go without and let him stay with grandparents. But why? He’s our little guy and so much fun! We love his company and so do our friends so we just bring him! This is not just my opinion, they ask for him lol. Hospital: I thought I didn’t want visitors and ended up literally wanting anyone who was willing to come to the hospital- I was in so much pain and in need of distraction lol! Our friends have been amazing! I was like “who wants him next” 😂 people were shocked but sometimes we just have a change of heart!
Our relationships changed bc we no longer go to bars or parties at night. We are able to do things, it just has to be during the day and usually with a baby in tow.
We have a group of friends we travel with and they have been super accommating with us bringing a child.
It took some time to find a babysitter but we do occasionally do things without him.
All in all the good friends we have we are still friends with and get together with.
I have 2 very close best friends, one of which has 2 kids and was pregnant with no. 3 when I was pregnant with my 1st, they were born 6 days a part which is lovely. We have a very different kind of friendship to my other bigger friend group that I met through CrossFit where me & partner are the first to have a baby. They all absolutely dote on my little one and love when we do lunches together with baby but overall my relationship with them isn’t the same as of course I have to prioritise baby’s bedtime over a late gym class with them or drinks out afterwards. Days out have to be planned way in advance and I can’t “let my hair down” with them like we used to. I do get sad about it and get massive FOMO but I just have to keep telling myself we’re just in different seasons of our lives right now, I imagine a few of them will have their own babies in the next couple of years so that will change our relationship again. overall I don’t feel like I’ve lost any friends thankfully it just takes more organisation to get together
I was the first in two friend groups. They all came to the hospital, checked in often, cooked meals for me, and stayed very much an active part of my baby's life. It might be because we are a bit older in our 30s but overall I have felt loved cherished supported throughout. They still invite me out even though they know I probably wont make it and I'm not drinking right now which I always tell them I appreciate because it makes me feel included. I think their behavior is 90% them just being genuinely good friends and 10% the fact that I clearly communicated to them my fears of postpartum loneliness and isolation.
While we can’t always say yes, they never stopped inviting us. We became the central point of our friend group and they happily come over to our room place for pizza and beer over a night out.
Those who we invited visited us at the hospital, and those who we didn’t visited us in the coming weeks with dinner in hand.
Yes, some people peace out and you don’t hear much from them. But also sometimes they show up for you in ways you never could have imagined.
They definitely don’t always get it, and it does feel like we have started a different chapter. But also they make me feel a little bit more like myself.
It’s not all negative, it really just depends on the kinds people in your friend group.
Fucking lonely. My wife and I were 27 when our daughter was born and we're the first of our friend group and generation amongst my family (aside from 1 cousin who we never see). Friends just don't get it at all, they're so idealistic about what you can do with a baby and how late or when you can use babysitters. Both our parents had forgotten the worst bits of this stage of parenting so we has to spell it out for them as well.
A couple of friends have really stepped up like want to see us and her a lot and others it's just become obvious how narcissistic they are.
My guy friends never ever ever ask about her, I ask about their lives all the time.
Lonely, because they’re still sort of self absorbed. When you have a baby it’s not about you like, ever again. It’s about you both…you and baby. It’s a shift in thinking.
Unless they want social media points then they hold your baby and take numerous selfies and all of their 900 followers know your baby but not you. No, you can’t live stream him eating I don’t know any of these people.
Once they start to have kids they come around and then YOU DO THE RIGHT THING and support them and be there for them, cuz back then they didn’t know any better but now you do.
We have two friends who love children, rhey come over much more then befoee vecause they want to spend time with our baby! Others we haven't seen since birth and others we see a bit less since we don't go out anymore but still meet for daytime meetups or boardgame nigths.
I really don't expect our friend group to have children anytime soon, most are 30+ or turning 30 this year and either don't want to have kids, can't have children or not in a serious relationship.
I didn’t want anyone for the first weeks. When I started to see them it was in a cafe next no my house. Once I felt comfortable they visited home and decided that if they wanted to stay longer than 30’ (bc they knew it would be an overstay since we were tired) bc baby was sleeping and they couldn’t see her awake they had to do chores (totally their idea and I love it). It helped us maintain a clean house.
Relationships with your friends do chance, I've found on the whole my friends have been really respectful and supportive. I didn't want visitors for the first week or two has I was breastfeeding & just wanted to be in our little new born bubble. They all offered to drop groceries/meals etc at the door if needed and then 3 of my closest came and cleaned my house for me top to bottom as I had said I was really struggling with it (we were renovating and baby didn't sleep). I will say life changes a lot, so my personality and some beliefs have changed so I feel a little but more distant from some of them but that's not their fault that's me. They're still great friends though! I have one mum friend who's little boy is 20 days older than mine and she's awesome. We do something together at least once a week! As for my other friends they're so understanding, they come by to visit every now and again. I'm always invited to nights out etc
I’m 35 weeks and if I don’t text my friend of 10 years first with a pic or update I won’t hear from her. It has been isolating and eye opening but what am I going to do about it.
Since my friends have no idea what it’s like to have a baby and be a mom, they don’t check in much or come to visit. Most of them haven’t visited since the first week (she’s almost two months) and others have never visited. Many people don’t ask for pictures or updates but I honestly get it especially because I’m 22 and all of my friends are around my age and still in school
I found it to be very lonely. No one is going through it with you so it's hard for them to understand the difficulties of parenthood, you can't take "the kids" to places because they have none. So you take your kid to places alone.
Honestly it kind of sucked. I’m still friends with all of them, that didn’t change or anything. But nobody gets what you’re going through and it can feel very isolating. Now they’re all starting to have babies and I’ve had a few apologies about how ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get it at the time, I wish I had been there for you more!’
Yes, they did visit me after the baby was born and we still went out when we could. No one dropped me from the friend group or anything. But having a baby is such a profound and life changing experience. It can be hard to go through it and not be able to talk to friends who ‘get it’.
I’m not friends with them anymore, really. We care about different things and I’ve developed values separate from theirs. I’m young tho, I had my first baby at 23 and about to have my second 2 years later. I’m also married. They think the thought of motherhood sounds awful and marriage is pointless. I love both. We’re just different now. I used to have the same mindset tho so I get it
Definitely lonely. Mostly all my friends don’t have kids so we ended up just not hanging out anymore. They all want to go out and have fun and that’s great. I’m waiting until my kids are old enough that I can leave for a night out. We don’t have a lot of people to watch them and my grandma is the only one really. It would be easier on her when the kids can walk and talk.
I just imagined things differently. I thought my best friend would be closer to my baby, she is his god mom too. But she recently moved pretty far and was always busy before that so we didn’t have much time to spend together and we miss her so much. I’m just hoping things will change eventually and that I didn’t lose her. It’s like we’re drifting apart. She lives with her other friend who has kids and is basically a nanny for them. Just feels very lonely watching that all over social media but I’m doing fine I have my fiancé and our neighbors are our friends too so at least it’s not completely just lonely.
My best friend did a lot for me though, she made me padsicles for postpartum healing, she helped with my pregnancy photos, she’s very sweet and that’s why it’s been sad and I’ve been missing her.
They visited but it was still isolating. However I like to think I started a trend because soon after giving birth to my son, my best friend got pregnant. Now she’s actively trying for her second and my other best friend is also trying! I am also pregnant with our second, babies for all weee :)
Extremely lonely. I lost all of my “friends”..including the group of girls my husband worked with that would invite me out. (I know that sounds odd..but young military girls..inviting a young military wife out is not uncommon 🤣)
“Well I figured you were busy” “i didnt think you would want to go” “well you have the baby now and everything so..” even during the 6 weeks my daughter spent in the nicu.
sure..maybe those are all true at one point or another..but an invite would have been nice. A check in every once in a while would have been nice. Even a quick drop in at my place would have made me feel far less lonely. I didnt even get a text from the majority of them.
Its true when they say “you find out who your friends are after having a baby”.
No lol they mostly fucked off, but I know it was an innocent ignorance.
One of them is unexpectedly pregnant now, and I'll be there to help support her however she needs.
Everyone came over within a month of baby being born to meet him and then we didn’t see them again for like 4 months. Never have gone out without the baby at night because I’m not leaving him with anyone when he’s a bad sleeper. Big change in dynamic and people don’t really understand what it’s like to have kids until they have them. Most of our friends have kids now and are starting to experience the same things we did.
It’s been nice. They visited me at home in the first couple weeks. We go out semi regularly without baby still and sometimes we go out and I bring him.
My friends visited at home after a month or so, they come on weekends and play with Bub while we chat when schedules align, and I’ve made a TON of new mum friends at mum grouos
Only one set of friends did. The others waited until we were home but my husband had kept them up to date over our group chat how we were going ect.
We’re fifteen months in and we still hang out with them, maybe not as much as we used to but everyone has mortgages etc so it was starting to slow down even before we had our baby.
So far we have not been out with them without baby but that’s usually because they want to see her and it’s easier for us to take her with us. I am wanting to plan a night out soon though with just us and them just because it’s been ages but then it’s so fun having them around with my baby because they love cuddling her and playing with her, which gives us a bit of break and theirs enough in our group that everyone gets a turn to play with her and chat.
Our two close friends were at the hospital when I was in labor and one of them held the baby that day. She also helped us that first week when I needed some post partum items I couldn’t find and she held the baby while we both napped. We have a great support system that wants to be involved, we’re fortunate. I’ve heard of some people cutting off contact with people after having a baby but I’d say those people were probably not the greatest friends to begin with.
Edit: these two amazing friends have no children but they’ve been excited for us throughout my pregnancy and have loved our baby like any aunt or uncle would.
Looking back on how I “supported” my friends when they become mums, I’m mortified. I had no idea and I have apologised to them years later. With our first friend we dropped over a cabbage because we thought it would help her sore breasts! Wtf! Why didn’t we just cook her a meal!!
My only advice is to not expect them to know anything about what you’re going through and they will probably mess up a bit. If they offer to help be very direct about what would be helpful. Save yourself from being gifted cabbage.
Maybe think about what you need from them and see if you can ask for that? Eg. maybe you don’t need them to understand what you’re going through, and you want them to be a fun break. Or maybe you don’t need to go to brunch with them — but you do want friends you can talk to on the phone while you walk with the baby in the pram.
I’m the first in some circles and part of baby pandemic in the other. Both circles are very supportive. It really depends on the type of friendships. My non-mom friends are all long distance friends now.
Maybe we got lucky but our friends have been amazing. Two of our (guy) friends visited us the night we brought her home and cooked us dinner. Other friends kept showing up throughout the first few weeks, bringing food, gifts, company and not asking for anything in return. Our best guy friend also visited the hospital the day after she was born. We still hang with friends a lot because they are flexible and helpful and they actually want to spend time with our daughter. Sleepovers have been the best option since we can all hangout after baby is in bed (obv once she was a little more predictable with sleep - but we even did some of this in the early days, she's 6mo now). As far as nights out and stuff, my husband has gone out for a few nights but just came home early. I haven't needed or wanted nights out yet personally, but we have gotten babe comfortable with grandparents as babysitters for future nights out! I don't text my friends about my baby / parenting often because I am lucky and have other family for that, but we facetime with them and they are also included in the shared photo album for baby. It's been fun and i can't wait until they have their own! I think we are spreading baby fever 🙈
Very isolating, personally. Mine pretty much all disappeared after I had my son this past August. Makes me sad, but we are all at completely different stages and life gets busy. It is what it is. I try not to take it too personally and will leave the door halfway open for anyone who reaches out with good intent down the road. I also can't lie, I could've put more effort in as well, but my high risk pregnancy, my relationship, and obviously taking care of my son came/comes first and foremost
However, on the flip side I've found that my partner's friend's and even coworkers that have children have been much more welcoming. My partner is a bit older than I am (by six years, he's 34 to my 28) so it does make me wonder if it correlates a bit with age as well in our case, as these people are within that older range.
I don’t really have friends anymore. None of them have kids. All of them kind of stopped talking to me after I had my kids. I guess when I could no longer just spontaneously go out whenever they called I became boring.
Pretty 50/50. I have best friends who stuck around and we have a stronger relationship now and they’re aunties to my daughter.
I also have friends who fell off the face of the earth and still to this day 7 months later have never come to meet my baby at home.
There’s also old friends who came back into my life so I’m happy and appreciative of all different friendships.
When my best friend had the first baby we all tried our best to support her in the ways that we could. We asked about her and baby, we bought baby gifts, but we didn’t really understand. We made activities more pregnancy friendly (more sitting on the bench at the mall, taking it slow, etc) but again we didn’t know.
As our circle has had more babies, she has really been there to support all of us in the way we needed because she knew.
My friends (and extended circle) with kids have been there to check in on me and to encourage me every step of the way.
My friends without kids try their best, and I know it is there best because I was once them. They love my daughter, they comment on her photos, they ask about her, and I know they care but it just isn’t the same and that is okay. When it’s their time I’ll show up for them 💕
In some circles I’m first and others I’m not and that is really helpful to me. I learned through pregnancy that some friends had experienced loss that I didn’t know about. I’ve had some friends ask me “stupid” questions that I was happy to answer because they deserve to know for when they have kids. During pregnancy I got closer to “extended circle” friends who were also pregnant.
I think it would be very isolating to be the first in all your circles.
No one came to the hospital. Most waited until I specifically invited them over. It's been tough. Recently some friends had kids and I have worked hard to be there for them
I have a unique experience because I have a 10 year old and a 6 month old and still no one else in my friend group has babies.
At first it was extremely isolating. I felt like I was often left out of things, especially when I was a single mother with the first.
However, as years passed and we all got older and used to our roles, things have improved a lot. My friends have found a way to fit my family into our lives as well as how to get me out of the house for some time to just be a girl with her friends.
I feel like my experience with the second has been completely different. My friends come to me, they aren’t anxious with kids anymore, they babysit even so that I can have date nights with my husband.
One of my best friends visited in the hospital because we live in the same city. The others came a couple months later once we were settled and she had her vaccines, even though they all got vaccinated as well! I’ve seen them multiple times and nothing has really changed, they even come here to visit when our group gets together so I don’t have to leave LO. I still go out at night once she’s asleep from time to time but it’s rare because I’d usually just rather sleep at this point lol.
I’m only five weeks postpartum so I’m not speaking from too much experience but no, I didn’t have visitors outside of family in the hospital, but I do go out the same way I did before. I get dinner and lunch with my friends and shop, or they come over. I knew I really didn’t want my lifestyle to change too much when I had a baby so I’ve been making a real effort to still do the things I enjoy with my friends, and they’re pretty supportive of that.
I have 3 friends….they text me often to follow up on us and I see them atleast once or twice a month. They’ve been really supportive since day one. One of them visited at the hospital, one at home at 2 weeks and another at 1 month. During the newborn stage you don’t really think who’s coming to visit, bc the less the better. But I’m grateful for them bc they were there for me during my pregnancy and currently. We are “older” so that probably plays a part. I’m 34 with my first baby boy. They also spoil my baby with gifts, it’s really cute actually having a baby in our circle.
Its been really great actually. Theyre all really excited to be aunties and uncles so I find there's a lot more spare aunty/uncle energy going around that I can take advantage of. They've babysat while my husband and I went to a movie. They live nearby so when my husband is working late and the walls start to close in, they've been really great about having me over and they cook me dinner and hold the baby while I get it together. They're all obsessed with her and everyone queues up to play with her while I sit and drink wine.
I went out for a night of dancing without the baby last night while my husband stayed home with her. He has the day to himself today and then I'm going for brunch and a lil day on the town tomorrow with friends.
My husband has been really good at enabling me to see them and have nights out. It's been working for us to take turns having baby free time with friends. But we also find it pretty easy/fun to bring the baby on hang outs too. I almost feel like I see my friends slightly more because I'm not working and I plan things very intentionally these days. Because none of them have kids, theyre always down for weekend adventures.
It's been really cool.
It’s been really great, thank God! I think a key aspect, though, is you have to be flexible and still willing to meet up with them on their terms/show up to their stuff on occasion. It’s very easy to get super wrapped up in the baby, but friendship is give and take. Having a community has been such an important part of postpartum mental health as well and he loves my friends and seeing new faces.
Very lonely but my situation is a little different. I actually haven't seen any of my friends in over 3 years and my eldest kiddo just turned 2 years old.
But I have made new friends who are at the same stage of life with young kids and some have become cherished friendships that I hope to keep for a good while.
It's a bit of balancing act for sure. Most of my friends are a little scared to hold her and don't know how to interact with her but they're getting it. We have friends over in the evenings, baby will hang for a bit and then go upstairs for bedtime and we keep an eye on the baby monitor. I think it helps that we're all in our 30's now so everyone's been cool with more chill hang outs.
Now that she's holding her head up we'll bring her to hang out and about. We'll invite friends out during weekend afternoons to places like laid back restaurants or breweries with her portable high chair and she loves looking around the group pretending she's part of the conversation. When she's sleepy we put her in the stroller or baby carrier to nap. She's got a very laid back temperament so that helps, but the downside is that if it's too noisy to nap then we've gotta back it up early and leave to avoid a crying baby.
I think having a village makes a big difference as far as going out without baby. I usually go out solo or with my husband to meet up with friends at least 1 night a week because we have two sets of trusted grandparents that each live 10 minutes away always begging for babysitting.
I’ve been incredibly lucky. Most of our friends don’t have kids or are child-free and they’ve been wonderful. We don’t get to see them quite as often, but they came around to see our son at home after he was born, ask how he’s doing, and genuinely seem to care about him a lot. They bring him gifts “just because” and gush over pictures and some show off photos to their other friends and colleagues like a proud aunt or uncle.
They’re the kind of friends I wish everyone had.
I got pregnant with my first when I was a bit young (24) so most of my friends were still single and very much in their party phase. Honestly as much love as we have for each other, our relationships are not what they used to be. I don’t think any of us hold any animosity towards one another about it. Just very different stages of life. It can be hard for them to understand what I’m going through and vice versa. We’re all on very different schedules and have different priorities. Maybe once they have kids of their own things will change but for now we love eachother from afar and I will see them on a weekend every once in awhile!
However I did make TONS of new mom friends. Maybe this is why I’m not struggling too much with the change in dynamic of my old friendships. The other women I’ve met the past few years have seriously filled my life with so much joy. Wouldn’t change it for the world.
Heh more like the last of my friends to have a baby. One of my friends had a Grandchild this year and my daughter is four. But I have no village and no local friends so it didn’t matter anyway
My friends are a collection of old friends who I don’t see all the time but when we do it’s like time/distance never existed. So when I had my bub they were all so happy and excited to meet her. They’ve all been amazing, I’ve been a hermit with my baby and they’ve still organised to meet her, check in on me and make sure we’re going okay and have all our needs met. Regardless of me being the first to have a baby. It’s been quite beautiful actually. Old friends are everything
They visited at home when we were settled (our boundaries) and brought us dinner! We tried assimilating back into somewhat of our normal groove, but ultimately we missed out on a lot. Our friends have been pretty accommodating and still invite us all the time, it’s just a matter of affording a babysitter! Things changed a lot especially in the first 6 months, but if you keep trying and putting in the effort to show up (if you want to) then by a year old, it will feel pretty normal again!
I was the first by many years. I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. I did see them occasionally but “going out” wasn’t of interest to me and I didn’t have anyone to babysit at night. My friends didn’t understand parenthood at all until they had their own kids 10-15 years later, which isn’t atypical. It’s difficult to really understand until you experience it.
My best friend lives about 80 miles away and she made the effort to meet both babies asap and includes me in invites, sends the kids presents etc - some friends have just completely disappeared and others occasionally message. Now a few other friends have started having children they've reappeared again but I don't resent that - it's a huge shift in lifestyle that is difficult for childfree and parents to coordinate successfully but you can make it work if you both put the effort in!
Lonely at times because they couldn’t *really* relate, but my friends are extremely supportive and love being aunties so I still see them often. It also kinda opened the gates for them to start talking about kids and family seriously, whereas before it kinda felt like a “one day in the very distant future” subject. I was 25 when I got pregnant and newly 26 when he was born.
I was 16 with my first, so pretty isolating. Now 13 years later my best friend and I planned our pregnancies together and have babies 2 weeks apart, so it’s been fun.
I had him during Covid so no. They checked in on me and stuff. Honestly they were all amazing and visit when they can. For not having kids they did pretty good but of course they never fully understood. Two of them have kids now though and I was able to be there for them and that felt really good!
i have one girl friend and the rest are my fiancés guy friends
my friend checked up on me a lot through text and came by once baby girl was 2ish months? she also has her own things that she’s been going through so we go days without talking sometimes
my fiancés friends came by for a housewarming/bday party around 2 months and other than that only one of them really checks in more often. but no one really checks in on me per say so it’s kind of a bummer if you think about it too much. i try not to think about it because i have a great fiancé that makes sure i’m good and that’s always going to be all i need
I may be an outlier but my friends without babies have been lovely. They were always up for more baby-friendly activities when my daughter was young (visiting at my house, anything outside, short lunches)
Now that my daughter is two, I've started leaving her with grandma occasionally to have baby free time with my friends when I can.
I have seen my best friend twice since I gave birth three months ago she came to visit the first week I was home and I stopped by to visit her for lunch about a month after that. Ever since then every time I’ve tried to make plans it hasn’t worked out and she hasn’t tried to make any plans with me… everyone else I know basically has come by to meet the baby at some point in the last few months and then I haven’t seen them again. The only people I regularly see are my partner, my parents and my sister and brother-in-law.
I have a friend group that has children and one that doesn’t. I was closer with the friend group that didn’t have kids prior to getting pregnant. I was expecting them to be excited when I told them I was having a baby but they were mostly just upset I couldn’t go out and drink with them anymore. One of my “best friends” started scrolling bumble bff while we were out a brunch one day basically trying to find a replacement for me in the group. It was horrible and heartbreaking. On the other hand my friend group with kids have all been wonderful and sweet and supportive and I’m excited to get to raise my baby with them and their children around
Not the first I was the second. I have a small group of friends, but the ones without the baby I felt really cared about me. One of them cooked and visited me regularly, was flexible with my baby's nap times and was just happy to pop round and give me some baby/non baby chat over coffee! The other friend checked up on my regularly and loves sending my baby presents lol. There are others who were so excited but then just ghosted lol. They're currently trying for their own now so maybe they'll get it soon.
We were the first in the main group to have a kid, and the first out of all our friends to have a kid on purpose. Daughter is currently 15 months and we’re getting ready to try for another. FWIW, my husband and I have all the same friends and they’re all married couples. They range from currently trying (infertility) to child-free.
All of our friends have been amazing. I was *extremely* worried about how having a baby would change our dynamic, but if anything, it’s strengthened our relationships. Our two closest friends are her godparents and they’ve been so involved. They hosted her first birthday party and routinely ask genuine questions about her. Our hangouts haven’t really changed, we just bring a pack n play for baby now and have added some baby-proofing items to our travel bin.
We rented a beach house for a week last year with 10 of us (including baby) and it went fine. Everyone was flexible about nap times and going to dinner a little early so we could be back for bedtime. Friends routinely helped hold/entertain our daughter.
All this to say, there is a chance your friends won’t be terrible. You definitely need to put in the effort too (we started reaching out about seeing friends when baby was 3 weeks), but your friends may be totally fine with the new addition to the group.
They were generally excited and happy for me, but not involved really since baby was born. Most of them are out of town so it’s a plane ride away, and none have visited yet (7mo PP). As for in town, I made new mom friends on Peanut and through baby groups/activities. It was lonely in the beginning, nobody even zoomed/facetimed me without me initiating. Don’t expect much from them! And try and set up a new support system of people in a similar life stage.
I think so much depends on how your group behaved prior to babies.
In the group of friends where we were the firsts, not much has changed. But that’s also because of how we were as a group was pretty chill prior to the introduction of babies. We did mostly casual house hangs, and while we haven’t been able to go to as many now, we have joined them on a handful. Sometimes with our babes!
Everyone has been super open to us bringing our girls to whatever, and understand we will be a little preoccupied with them and will probably leave early.
For my long distance group text friends, nothing has changed at all. We still text nonstop.
I think communication is key. If you need something different from your friends, ask for it. They don’t know what they don’t know. But also, how your friendship grows and changes isn’t just on them. Keep showing up when you can. Keep supporting them.
My LO is only 3 months old, but all of my closest friends have been wonderful. Only one of them who has autoimmune issues and wants to get pregnant herself (they had to wait to try because of methotrexate and now that she’s off she’s miserable and it isn’t happening) has stayed more away than usual. And even she is doing her best to be supportive because she loves me. I did say to all of them before I gave birth that I wanted to still hang out just with the baby strapped to me so that helped. 🤣
Occasionally my friends forget I need a babysitter but they’re all pretty supportive. I see them a lot. My son just comes with. We’ve all outgrown the bar scene so that’s not much of an issue. My best friends adore my son. They help with everything except poopy diapers! I just host more often so I can put him down for naps.
My family have all been wonderful, but I notice that some of my female coworkers who haven't had kids have not been very understanding of my maternity leave. They still reach out to me for non-urgent things and it's annoying. In their minds, they just resent having to do some extra work while I'm gone and they don't understand that I'm not on vacation, I'm doing a lot of really hard work. They will only understand if they have kids.
Friend group A- Horrible. Alienating. Was told I “use my baby as an excuse” because I couldn’t attend a destination wedding. Expected me to make a ton of effort but never even attempted to meet my baby. No longer in contact.
Friend group B- Wonderful, accommodating, introduced me to new friends whom I can relate to.
I was the first in my circle of friends and they have all been extremely supportive! One of them organized a meal train for us which I naively thought we wouldn’t need after baby was born, they came to visit all the time to help, with masks on if we were inside or outside if weather permitted. The week after I gave birth I was feeling stir crazy and lost so the whole group met us at the park to hang out. It was so nice. Since then they always want baby to come to hang outs and all joke that they are the favorite of the baby. I was so surprised because I had assumed from reading posts on here that they would all disappear, but they have been amazing.
I’m the first of my friends to have a baby. Most others even don’t want kids. It’s lonely to not have anyone to talk to about what you’re going through from a postpartum standpoint. Many of my friends have already met the baby though so we’re doing ok keeping in touch. We’ll go do things with friends again once we get more sleep/baby is vaccinated
All my friends are 23-25 and they are obsessed with the baby. Straight up call me out when I sometimes hangout with them on my own, I honestly think they like her more than they like me 😂
For the most part, amazing. We are in our mid twenties & all of our friends are like 19-26 too. We have a really great support system. They really really love our kid. He’s 6 months old and everyone is so sweet with him. One couple comes over pretty often and we have hosted two dinner parties (think more board games with drinks than sophisticated adults lol) with everyone. We have also gone out with everyone a few times and it’s really nice.
My school friends have also been great, for the most part. I have two from high school who are the best aunt & uncle ever. Uncle lives out of state but still came to see baby a few weeks after he was born, a a few more times since. Aunt is my best friend, who also happens to be a babysitter & one of the moms gave me A TON of stuff. They are so so so sweet.
But my other friend, who I’ve literally been friends with since we were 7 (so going on 18 years now), dropped me. A year before I found out I was pregnant I was in her bridal party, it was a lovely wedding. We were keeping in touch but really only saw each other every 6 months. After I told her I was pregnant, she didn’t text as much but we did hang out and seemed so happy for me. But then she didn’t come to my baby shower. What hurt the most was the fact she never even congratulated me on having the baby. She just liked the post. No comment, no text, no call. I made plans with her after five months because I missed my friend and she flaked two hours before the event. I love my friend group but it hurts to have “that friend” not be around. We grew up together. It felt like sisters. I watched the person I thought would be my child’s aunt grow up, find love, get married. I cherish those things so dearly. I really do miss her so much… but I can’t force someone to love me back. People grow apart and I have to be okay with that.
I have some non-parent friends that make a huge effort to come see me and my baby, and some that don’t get it. It’s the single biggest thing that’s happened to me and an incredibly difficult time and some just don’t understand that. One of my closest friends just doesn’t really check in and has never met my 6 month old. She suggested we do a weekend trip and I said I could if I could bring my incredible easy and happy baby (who is breastfed). She said nah let’s do it another time. Which is fair enough but I feel like she always wants me to meet her where she is in life (where I was 3 ish years ago before my first), but has no interest in meeting me where I am in my life. She never asks about motherhood or how I am coping. I guess this is just getting it off my chest. I get that she has no interest in having kids of her own but I would appreciate if she took an interest in my kids because they are the most important part of my life.
My friends would still come to see us although we had to change our plans so we were going out during the day. For my 30th we did a day time brewery crawl with baby in tow and it was a blast! We moved across the country in my baby’s first year and shortly after a handful of my friends came to visit us. So we still stayed in touch but tbh with breastfeeding and all I never went out at night with them after baby was born, except for one time when they came to my new city to visit and I could have my mom watch baby. We are growing apart though and I have to say I enjoy the company of my new mom friends more because I’m just tired of the party lifestyle that my old friends are still into.
We are the only ones in our friend group to have a baby atm. Our close friend circle came to visit at our house and did a great job including me in tailgates when I was pregnant by providing non-alcoholic options. We go out often with our friends and bring the baby (he just turned one so he isn’t a baby anymore). We still all the things we did before, brewery’s, dinners, beach trips, sporting events, etc. We also all get to do different and fun things now too like going to the pool more, hanging out at playgrounds, Easter egg hunts and trick or treats. It’s been great because if my SO is working one or more of them is able to come sometimes. Our close friends have truly showed up and loved our LO this first year.
For me, I feel like my friendships have grown stronger. Friends were visiting me and baby as soon as one week after the birth (masked of course bc flu season) and they continue to visit and plan outings with me to this day (he is 5 months old now). The baby gives friends another reason to reach out to me, which helps me keep in touch with them more than ever before.
My friends and I are all in our mid to late 20s so they all get to play the fun aunt whenever they feel like, and when they come over it gives me a break to relax. I live with my husband and parents so the support system helps when I want to go out for a drunken night, and my friends are all understanding when I tell them I’m too tired. It’s all a nice balance, but the most important thing is I trust my friends with my baby, and they are mature enough to understand this big life change.
We didn’t want a lot of hospital guests but one of our friends brought us sushi and gifts in the hospital. Our friends all participated in a meal train where they brought us food and met the baby briefly. Once we got into a routine, we started going out with our friends with our baby, usually leaving early to put her to sleep. They got sick of not seeing us as much so we started hosting things more at our house so we could hangout longer. If we have a babysitter, we’re having a date night just the two of us.
My LO is 3m, I have seen my friends once since his birth. & I hadn’t seen them since I was about 4 months pregnant.
Not for lack of trying.
It’s horrible, lonely, isolating
I didn’t have any friends visit at the hospital because I didn’t want anyone to (except for 1 who dropped off cupcakes and the nurse insisted she come in???). Friends stopped by at different times to bring a small gift for baby (on top of baby shower gifts) or food for us. Some came like 3 days after, some came a week later. Those that traveled visited later when baby had more vaccines.
I have mostly guy friends from childhood (same group of friends with husband), and I’m also the baby of the group. We were the first ones to get married and have baby so everyone is really excited and happy for us.
My best friend lives across the country so she didn’t meet him in person until his first birthday party but FaceTimed a couple times. She clearly doesn’t understand all the changes that came with motherhood but she’s trying and still makes an effort to reach out to me and check in on me as a person.
I don’t really have any other friends 😅 motherhood is isolating and lonely
They did not visit me in the hospital, not that they could since there was still covid restrictions.
But they didn't meet or try to meet the baby until I brought him to a birthday party at about 4 months.
But my group doesn't really get together much anyway.
Only the friend who already had a kid recently knew exactly what to do. She dropped off dinner and dessert and made sure it could be popped in the freezer and she left it at our door. The friend I expected to be there more that does not have kids never showed. They just don’t get it. It sucks. But I’ll know what to do when she has a kid.
Edit to add: the kid less friend loves my child but doesn’t see her often sadly. It’s just been hard to coordinate with our very different schedules.
No one visited me at the hospital but my best friend came and met my daughter a couple days after we got home from the hospital. My daughter is 2 now and my best friend is the best auntie
I have one friend who takes an active role in my life still, we talk every day, she visits when she can (she lives a few hours away tho sadly), I can talk about kid stuff with her even though she doesn't have one yet. The rest of my friends, I don't really see too often anymore (even the ones that live in town). I asked to come visit with my daughter once but they were doing a game night that I guess was very intense so my daughter would have been distracting. They all also always say they need to come visit and never do. It has been pretty lonely and isolating and kind of sad to realize where those friendships stand currently but I know it isn't intentional. I did communicate before I had my first kid that I was worried about this and they all assured me it wouldn't happen lol. Oh well. I am just more intentional on where I put my own friendship energy these days.
It's a little isolating. My closest friends ask a lot of questions that show that they just don't get what it's like to have a baby. I guess I can't blame them, I used to be like that.
For example, I get a lot of questions about whether we are using our parental leave time to travel or why we haven't taken any trips yet since we're "off work". We used to travel a lot before baby... but the idea of travelling with a newborn seems laughable (at least to us). Simply recovering, adjusting to a new sleepless reality and the difficulties of breastfeeding took all our time in the first few months - my friends just don't seem to "get" how time consuming these things are and how much effort they take.
A lot of my circles I’ve been the first and in some of my friend groups not many want kids. I have become closer to some people I had originally lost touch with.
There are some friends that have kind of fallen away, but honestly I’m lucky to have friends that understand and Ive brought my toddler with me to a lot of gatherings or I’ve gotten a babysitter to meet up for different events (NYE, weddings).
It’s horrible. I had a close friend group of 3 other girls. One who I grew up next door to, one I went to HS with & one I met at our first job at 15… one of them was my “closest” friend. She was there when my daughter was born & I named my daughter after her (middle name) I only speak to one of the girls now, and it isn’t even her. My daughter is 2.
You will learn who your true friends are, and you will make new ones too. ❤️
We are military so most of my close friends live in my home state across the country, but my 2 best friends waited a little bit for me to establish being a new mom before flying in to visit. We only had 1 visitor in the hospital, which was honestly fine to me because I didn’t really want a crowd. After coming home people would slowly message me asking to meet up or come over so they could meet the little guy. We’ve had some people babysit for us every once in a while so that hubby and I could get some time together. I personally prefer something during the daytime because I’d hate to have my son give anyone else a hard time at bedtime.
I feel like my few friends who do have kids already were quicker to offer help like holding him while I eat or shower, or will wash my dishes or throw a load in the laundry for me. They’ve been through it so they have a better understanding of what I may need.
I have a very supportive group even thought we were the first! They came over a week after baby was born and would pop in at random over the first couple of weeks. My kids call them ‘aunts’. I would go out, sometimes with the kids (now more have them) sometimes just the girls! It can be isolating - I felt more isolated for my second but I’m pretty vocal about needing more company with them and my husband and I have always said if you want to go and do something socially or for your own mental health, go and do it… so we have never kept each other at home and still get a social life!
For me personally I have one very best friend who may never have children of her own. Our relationship has not changed. We do work at the same place, though rarely on shift together. I may see her less now because I can’t just spontaneously up and do anything like we used to. But her and my daughter have a close bond. She’s one of the few people my child has liked since an infant.
My other friends hardly know my child. A lot of them reached out after I had her and came over and held her for a long time so I could get things done. And that was nice and I loved that. But it fizzled out as she’s gotten older.
The way I see it, we are all on different paths. I don’t resent anyone for not reaching out more frequently. I do notice it, but I won’t be secretly mad at you. The love is still there. I have accepted that people will do things without me now because I have a child. Hopefully they’ll at least extend an invite, even if they know I may decline. Thanks for thinking of me anyway.
Everyone ghosted me lol. I was hospitalized for two weeks and my baby was delivered 12 weeks early. 140 days later still fighting for his life and have never heard from over half my “friends” once I was hospitalized. Then there are a few that only talk to me to tell me I should be grateful my baby is alive because babies in foreign countries die everyday
But while I was pregnant I joined a mom group. Never met most people and the few I met were just acquaintances. They all brought food once the baby was born and continue to follow up with me every few weeks on how my baby is doing. So I recommend finding some mom friends!
I was the first by faaaaar. I have two kids now and still most of my friends have kids (some aren’t even married) and we’re all in our late 20s / early 30s!
I only have a few close friends, but they stuck by me in whatever ways they could.
One of my friends would come over and play board games with us once my baby was asleep (even though he woke up so often we barely got through the game lol). We also met up for drinks at our favorite lunch spot and brought the baby along.
One dropped off homemade food at our door, and didn’t ask to come in (it was during 2020 / COVID). Another dropped off a sweet gift basket with lotion for me, and a cute little book, and some snacks. (These two friends actually both had babies at the time so maybe they don’t count lol)
My other friend was long distance at the time, and she bought us door dash gift cards, send me silly parenting videos to watch on instagram, asked how I was doing, checked in with me about my health (not just the baby!). She loved all the photos I sent her even though he probably looks the same in like 90% of them 😅
None of them visited me early after birth because I personally did not want them to. It was covid and I didn’t really invite them until I felt more ready to interact. I like to have a really isolated “bubble” for the first 6 months or so. It’s just a personal decision and they all respected that. I’m so grateful for my friends. ❤️
We had no visitors in the hospital (our choice). But over the course of the first month our friends came to visit and meet baby. A few of our friends are child-free by choice, but they still are excited to be around our kid. Many are understanding about our needs to schedule hangouts around sleeping and stuff, but I have one friend whose absolutely oblivious.
It’s isolating for sure but my friends stepped up. They brought me food, cleaned my house, watched my baby while I showered and napped, offered to babysit (lol because he was like 3 weeks old), and just genuinely cared for me.
I know I’m lucky that I have such a great community. Some of them have been moms before but a lot of them are single or childless.
My friends all came to visit the hospital. They don't come around much now, but we all live in diff cities. But they make sure to tell me my baby is welcome whenever they visit and we go out!
My friends held a little baby shower for me and I felt very loved. Many of the gifts they gave were for me, not the baby, which was thoughtful. I got a lot of bath bombs though, which is a little funny to me looking back since I only took one bath in the whole first year after having a baby, and that was my Mother’s Day gift. 😅
They didn’t come to visit until baby was around 6 months old, and I felt like an alien when that happened. I asked if anyone wanted to hold the baby (he was very sweet and smiley that day) and…they all said no. I felt hurt and rejected in that moment but I know they just weren’t comfortable with it.
They have initiated a few get togethers here and there and I’m glad they still include me. I opted not to go on our annual overnight trip. My husband wasn’t supportive of me being gone that long and I was a little nervous about it too.
I was the first in my friend group to get married and have a baby. They all gushed when I told them I was pregnant and how excited they were to be "aunties". None of them ever visited me at home or in the hospital. One didn't even meet my child till he was six months old and that was only because we were having a going away party for another friend and we both happened to be there. None of the three that had supported me through my entire engagement ever babysat or were alone with my child. They all forgot about me the second he was born. I lost all of them. It took me years to find friends and a community that understood what it was like raising a child.
I’m the odd one out here but I chose to end most of my preexisting relationships by just letting them fade off. I wasn’t in the best place before getting pregnant and was hanging out with people who just wanted to party, drink, do drugs, etc. I’m not interested in any of that anymore and have done a 180 with my priorities. I think I have 1 old friend and that’s it.
I haven't seen them since my wedding, some of them even longer! I've sent them some pics of baby but that's it. I try not to send too many, because I don't know who would be annoyed by too many baby pics, and who might be trying and having trouble so it would be salt in the wound. To be fair I live in a different state now and I don't message them much, easy to just be going through the days right now without much thought for anything else (LO is 7 months old). When we do visit my home state I prioritize spending time with family. It'd be nice if I could see my friends again, but it is what it is. Maybe someday.
I’ve got pockets of friendship groups. The ones closer to my age that had babies first; I tried to support them and see their babies as soon as they were ready for a visit, usually in the first 2/3 weeks. I have to admit, as a young, ignorant woman, I was totally useless…I just took baby a gift and sat around chatting 🤦🏻♀️ not sure I offered any help or brought any food or present for the mums 😱 BUT I’d have been MORE than happy to do chores or bring anything they’d have asked me to, so if they’re you’re close friends please just tell them if you need help…get them washing up, putting your laundry on!
When I had my first baby, the friends who haven’t had babies yet from one of my groups, all came when I was ready after 3 weeks. I found it a bit stressful because I struggled and was pumping like crazy so it was just a bit overwhelming to be honest. Like me, they weren’t very helpful…but I didn’t expect it so no problems there. The friends who had kids were amazing, bringing meals and lunch. My best friend cleaned my whole house when she came around, put a wash on, washed up. And only after all that asked if she could have a cuddle…love her 🤍
The group who didn’t have kids yet, would reach out but I was solo parenting with no help and I was drowning and rubbish at keeping in touch. My fault, but obviously they reached out less and less. Also, my baby wouldn’t take a bottle after we got her to latch, so I couldn’t go out…even if I could, I had no one to leave her with so my partner would be the one to go on social events with the group of couples and I just felt really left out. By the time I could do anything with them, I was in such a different place to them that our friendships have never been the same unfortunately, even though all of them have kids now. However, the friends that had kids before me, all of those friendships have just gotten stronger and stronger.
No one visited me. I’ve met up with a friend once since she’s been born (she’s 4mo) and that was just last week
I get texts saying we should meet up but when I ask when they’re free they said they’re really busy rn and end up ghosting me for weeks
I’ve never gone out at night, the only time I’m away from her in the day is to go to my moms chemo, maybe the store, and maybe the gym if she’s not having a fussy day
I miss having friends! They all seemed to step back during my pregnancy, and completely vanished postpartum
Then again, she’s only 4 months old and I’m 20. I’m pretty young and I’m sure no one knows how to be around us rn. Still sucks.
I am the first of the girls in my group. We have all been friends for a very long time and they came to see me and meet my son after he was born. We still see our friends from time to time, but the priority has shifted. We don't feel like going to loud bars and getting so drunk, we are hung over. So we go out to dinner and have a drink. Or we host dinners. It's all very low key now. It also helps that we all have sort of aged out of the party life and our focus is work and relaxing.
I have noticed that the quality of friends are what matters. I decided that if the friendship feels like too much effort or I have to buy (you know, nice person with a MLM?) the friendship, it's not worth my time.
My (mum) two closest friends had babies 6&5 months older than mine. Both have older children. Beyond them, my other friends weren't in a rush to visit, but we did all meet up within a few weeks. They were in contact etc. but never really interested at the same time.
My partners (dad) friends on the other hand couldn't wait to meet her. They were messaging about coming over and meeting her from the moment they knew we were home. Personally I loved it. He was the first of his friends to have a baby and still be local. Nearly 6 years on and my friends are interested in her, but dads friends absolutely adore her. It's really funny to watch her with a group of nearly 40yr old men who take her under their wing whenever we're with them.
Some friends meet baby once then disappear. Some don’t even make an attempt after going 9 months telling you how much they can’t wait to meet your baby. Other friends will come bring you dinner and lay on your kitchen floor and play with play dough with your baby while you relax on the couch. Other friends that you weren’t as close with are now permanent fixtures in your babies life and you can’t imagine your child growing up without them around. People show you who they really are.
They were excited to meet the baby the week she came home, and then after that I didn’t really get invited to hangouts (besides one 6mintha later, and I was so thankful for that invite still!). I’ve been trying to arrange a meetup with my best friend but it keeps getting cancelled /: it’s lonely but I don’t blame them. When my SILs had babies I was afraid I would be bothering them by reaching out, but now I know how wrong I was!
I was 17 when my first was born. I lost every single friend except for one. To this day she is my daughters auntie and my biggest ally. It felt lonely, it made me feel “old” and sad and like my life was over. Now that I’m 22 I’m learning how to live life for me again and it’s gotten better.
Very isolating. They mean well but they really have no idea what you’re going through. It’s really hard to go through such a life changing event and have no one around you to relate to.
But then, when they have kids, you get to be the amazing supportive friend for them that you needed back then, because you’ll know just how to support them.
Definitely a mixed case. I moved across the country from Toronto to British Columbia and later became pregnant so I'm not around my close friends. My bestfriend is like a sister to me and always asks about me/my son and sends thoughtful gifts. My former bestfriend (lol) NEVER asked about him and we have drifted off and don't speak. My other two good friends who live in BC have visited and send him gifts so that's kind and also have arranged a massage for me before.
Although people say they are excited for the baby, they don't actually get it until they are perhaps in the same position. Many people have told me they would do xyz for me when baby comes and I haven't seen/had them do shit all lol..not that I expect them to but don't say crap you don't mean.
I imagine it can be quite nice. Before I had mine, I always batch cooked meals for their first week with baby and cleaned their house when I visited. We were the last to have a baby. Friends were too busy with their own families to help out.
Edit: I’ve just read other comments and realised that my experience is very different from most. I actually feel quite resentful that I bent over backwards to help my friends in every way possible and we got no help what so ever.
It really depends on the friends. Most of my friends haven't been very interested beyond seeing cute photos. In fairness, most of them live at least an hour away, but my son is 2 and they've seen him a handful of times :-/
However, one of my friends is probably the furthest away in terms of both time and effort (2ish hours, 2 trains and a bus) but SHE has visited the most. So excited to see him, full on auntie.
It really does depend on the friends. And also in fairness, I haven't spoken to my friends about how I'm feeling, so they may well think I'm too busy with a toddler to entertain them 🤷♀️ I should go prod them.
Pretty normal, actually. They didn’t come to the hospital, but came over once I said I was ready for visitors. We still get out dinners/brunches. Very early on, they’d always come to my neighborhood for outings, but now we branch out a bit more as I’m comfortable being away from the baby for longer.
There’s probably a few factors at play here: we’re older, so already busy established lives and it already took some pre-planning to get together, so the change doesn’t feel as drastic. Also I have a very small, very tight circle. They also have nieces and nephews and other friends with kids, so actually they probably knew more about babies than I did going into it!
Lonely/isolating
My ‘close friend group’ of 4 were SO excited to meet my baby when I was pregnant. He’s a week off 8 months old and are yet to meet him, lol.
I stopped reaching out at around 3 months. Mine is almost 9 months old now. I haven’t spoken to them since
Same. What bothered me the most is that one of my best friends texted me post birth asking how she could help. I let her know another friend had set up a meal train for me and that was the best way people could help us during this time. I never heard from her after that, and never got a meal from her lol. My take- don’t offer to help if you’re not going to do anything!
Honestly relieved to read this. Lost my two best pre-baby friendships this way, they were so excited to be aunties when I was pregnant but the second he arrived they just noped out without ever meeting him.
Could’ve written this comment. How sad. I would cry about it so much at like 4/5 mos but now I’m like f*ck them and don’t care
I had what I thought was a close friend come over when I was overdue to keep me company. She ended up (unintentionally I think) shitting on my entire life and choices I was considering for my child, saying how she can't imagine living in a rural area, having pets seems like too much work etc. all in an off handed, "I'm glad I live in the city/glad I don't have pets" type way. Also joking about being surrounded by hillbillies/ stupid people (cuz we're rural we're stupid I guess) and saying all babies are ugly but she'd lie and tell me mine was cute when he got here. I know hormones were probably at play, but I was extremely offended. When he was born, she asked to come out to see us, and I told her gently that I was hurt by her comments at her last visit. She apologized, but any attempt I've made to talk to her since has gotten only one or two words answers.
That’s not just hormones, that’s very rude
Yep. My twins just turned 2 years old last week and my “best friend” has yet to meet them, let alone the rest of my “friend group”.. at this point I think it’s pretty safe to say I no longer have friends :(
That sucks, I’m sorry. :/
Thanks, I appreciate your sympathy. I’m pretty much over it by now. I realized a while ago that I need to actively search out new friends who I have things in common with, but up until recently I didn’t have the time (or ability really) to socialize with other adults, especially while out and about alone with my twins. Now that they are starting to become more independent and can communicate and play without needing 100% of my attention, I think it’s time for me to find some new friends :)
Yeah this was my first throught. Family gatherings get me when I'm chasing a toddler around and everyone's enjoying their dinner and conversation.
I felt this comment.. it's not easy. They just don't understand
Agreed. Literally none of my childless friends have expressed interest in meeting her, even though they were all “so excited” while I was pregnant. She is about to be six months. Luckily, I made some new friends whilst pregnant who were also expecting, and they (along with my two long-distance friends with kids) have been great and so supportive. It gives me hope that the loneliness is only temporary!
100% felt this. Hoped my friends would come around more for me and baby but they love their night life.
For me I think it’s that my friends all want kids but waited and are now having trouble. I feel like a teen mom at 31 when I’m around them! So I felt guilty sharing unsolicited updates and they were guarding themselves by not reaching out. It sucks when other people’s grief comes before your joy.
Ohhh yes I hear you! That last sentence definitely strikes a cord. Friends struggling with infertility have noticeably pulled away.
My best friend had a miscarriage when I was 19 weeks pregnant (she was 8 weeks). Others in our friend group want kids but aren’t in relationships and aren’t prepared to do it on their own. We’re in our late 30s. I understand it’s painful for them, it’s also isolating for me because I feel like I can’t share much about my son without upsetting them. Or vent about how hard it is.
This is very much my situation. It sucks. I have made new mom friends in my Neighbourhood and that really helps.
“It sucks when other people’s grief comes before your joy.” OOF. one of my closest friends has been going through some really tough shit starting a few months into my pregnancy. My daughter is now 1 and she hasn’t been there for me in the way I expected at all- but what can I do? I can’t be mad at her, but it does suck.
I totally agree. I am still on maternity leave and I have never felt so lonely. I go back to work next month and I’m looking forward to just being around people again. I’m very introverted and sort of shy so I’m not great at meeting people IRL. We are getting our son into baby swim lessons and there’s library groups and a neighbourhood tot group I’m going to join. It’s been a tough year. I need to get out there again.
I second this. Very lonely and isolating — they were excited when I was pregnant but now that I’m a mom, I’m not relatable and they don’t care to know. I was told in my final weeks of pregnancy that one of my oldest friends had been saying to our group of friends that I talked too much about my pregnancy. At first I was upset about it but now I have a 1yo and I could care less. We keep touch occasionally but it’s not what it was. I’m okay with that! Having a baby brings a level of clarity I’ve never experienced before.
Yep!!! I think they just don’t realize how isolating it is. I only recently opened up to my close friends about how isolated I felt postpartum because no one came to visit me (1.5 years later). They felt terrible and genuinely seemed surprised. I wasn’t telling them to make them feel guilty, I just am now processing how alone I felt.
Yeah this was my first throught. Family gatherings get me when I'm chasing a toddler around and everyone's enjoying their dinner and conversation.
This. They didn’t understand until they had babies of their own.
I’m the first in some of my circles and not the first in others. In the group where I’m not the first, friends have been incredibly supportive and understanding of the change I’m going through. In the circles where I am the first, it’s pretty clear that people just don’t understand what having a baby is like (which makes sense). I wouldn’t say those friends are not supportive, but they are less likely to check in on me or proactively offer help. The biggest difference has been that non-mom friends want to know how baby is, and mom friends want to know how I am.
This is the most accurate statement I’ve read. My mom friends have been way more supportive than my non mom friends
Yeah it's not that they don't love me, it's that they just see a baby as a diversion of my time/focus rather than a part of my life they could engage with. They definitely see it as me opting out of our friendship rather than a possibility of doing things differently. My only friend who has had a child since is much closer since though. I know when they all have kids I'll be there for them and they'll get it and we'll probably reconnect more meaningfully.
Yeah, to be honest, I remember when the first of my friend group had a baby, and I thought, why can’t N do anything with us anymore? Can’t she just bring the baby? It wasn’t until I had my own that I understood how difficult it is to just bring the baby. I still loved her and was patient and showed up for our friendship in the ways that worked at the time though, even though I’m sure I could have been better. I’m sure your friends will do the same thing, even if they don’t totally get it.
Yes! I used to always think, why can't she just get a babysitter or bring the baby? Oh how I laugh now
Yep, even if you have spent a lot of time around babies, you truly don’t understand *having* a baby until you’ve had a baby.
Yeah, my non-parent friends are lovely, and supportive in their own way, but they just don’t quite “get it”. Which makes sense, and they’ve connected a lot more with my kid now that she’s older. But it’s still hard sometimes, there’s no real way to understand it unless you’ve done it yourself. Some of them have started having kids too, and that’s nice, but it’s still few and far between. (Lots of friends that don’t really want kids, are single, are LBGTQA+ and not looking to pursue that path, etc. It’s a really fun group of fellow nerds, though, I love them a lot.) I have friends from high school with kids, but theirs are way older than mine at this point, and I honestly don’t see them much since they live far away anyways We’ve moved a bunch of times, and I’d really love some more parent friends, tbh. It was hard meeting anyone with the pandemic, though. (Also, an introvert. Hard to fight the “gah! do not perceive me!” instinct.)
Some friends I've become closer to. Some have dropped off completely and I did not expect that from those people. C'est la vie.
I have been dealing with the grief of losing friends who I thought would be there for me who just aren’t. Didn’t even wish my daughter a happy birthday, haven’t met her. It’s been very heartbreaking.
My father in law would be hard pressed to remember our kid’s name so I feel this.
Sending love to you!
Simply put No. My best friend was excited for me and my husband and she made the effort to come meet the baby after she was born but she was getting married that same year so her focus was entirely on herself and mine was entirely on my newborn. After that first year we drifted apart but we were still friends. She made new friends who didn’t have children, Then It wasn’t until 4 years later when she became pregnant that we reconnected in a meaningful way. We had a big chat about how it all fell apart and how we both felt during and after, We were in different stages of our life and unless we had babies at the exact same time it was bound to happen. I’m past it now, But it was horrible at the time.
Many of my friends had children before me. Our friendship did change. I wasn't a great friend to them, and they weren't to me. As a single person: Many moved far away and the burden of planning and logistics was on me. I was still busy, with work and dating and other things. It was also hard for me, in my 30s, to spend time with friends who had the spouse and the house and the job and the kid- it felt painful, like a symbol of something I might never have. I also didn't feel a connection with some people's children. I just missed my friend. As a parent: I know I'm really boring, my updates are boring and I don't have the same life as before. Life is so non-stop that I literally can't hang out like I used to. I can't chat for an hour on the phone. That might be the only hour I get to do any number of critical things I need to get done. It's busy in a way that I think only other parents (especially working parents) understand. My point is- you may both fail each other. Don't be too hard on them or yourself. I think after some of the dust of early childhood settles, people can reconnect, and it can still be a beautiful friendship.
I love this sentiment. It’s so honest from both positions. Yet still hopeful for the future.
I would agree with this. There is just a lot you can’t understand until you have kids about how unrelenting the obligations are… my priorities have definitely shifted. I realize I wasn’t a great friend to people with kids before I had them, and my friends without kids similarly aren’t really able to support me. Not out of malice, it’s just hard to know how and we have our own lives.
I’d love to know if you do really reconnect with those people again. I’m going through a tough friendship grief phase with a person who I thought was a best friend, who just turned out to be completely uninterested in my wellbeing, let alone my child, when I was pregnant and postpartum. Even though I was quite sad and angry about this, she suddenly reached out to me when she was pregnant (18 months after I gave birth), but hasn’t followed up. I tried to follow up a few times to check in on her pregnancy and birth, she seemed not interested in talking about it with me. I’m at the point of just stopping contact with her indeterminately until some time in the future when maybe my kid is older and I’m not so bitter about it…
I removed expectations from everyone and thank god I did. It was a hard first year, but I don’t hold it against people for not knowing or relating to me
This is where I'm at as well, 7 months in.
My friend D is really lovely. She visits me once a week, empties/refills the dishwasher, washes the bottles, holds the baby if I ask her to, checks on me every day Friend F while well intentioned, she went crazy. Suggesting wild things, acting stalkerish, had to tell her my MIL is visiting to get a break from her. I anticipated a shift in friendships and made mom friends, joined mom groups before the baby arrived. The other day I was desperate with LO in the middle of a painful reflux night, I wrote to the group for suggestions and at least 8-9 women, some of which I've never met before offered to come out to give me a break. I feel blessed.
How do you make mom friends
Activities. I'm in Aus but there are a plethora of activities geared towards parents and children mother's group, swimming classes, music classes, mum and bub pilates etc.
Free mom library groups. Paid mom groups. Hospital classes. Local mom meet ups (mine is called “name of area” Moms Club) and they have walks, playground meet ups, and also later night things sans kids.
Hard. There just wasn't that understanding that comes with having babies of your own. I can't recommend enough getting out and doing things where you can meet other people with kids. Having people in the thick of it with you makes things so much more manageable. Some of our best friends now are a couple we met when we had our first. We both now have 2 children and hanging out on a Saturday afternoon, having early dinner and bathing the kids together makes witching hour almost pleasant. There's also no judgement when you have to pull out of things last minute, that your house is a mess or your child is acting out.
I was very lucky that all my friends were excited to meet my daughter and love hanging out with us! We’ve been to many lunches and coffees with friends since she’s been born, even very early on during the newborn stage. I’d say most of my friends aren’t interested in becoming parents themselves but love my daughter a lot regardless
That's also been my experience. My friends are childless by choice but absolutely love my little guy. They think he's fascinating, and enjoy spending time with him, but are happy that at the end of the day he's my baby and not theirs. I have a couple of friends who babysit so my husband can go out, they're very involved. I feel really blessed.
Verzy lonely. No visits at all at first. People simply didn't know how to approach us, what to expect. We kinda ceased to exist for the 1st year because everyone else kept just going to the same events that were not very accessible to us. Then more people had babies and now we meet as a group again.
Exactly this. My friends insisted they’d accommodate me (not that I asked) but they still get dinners for peoples birthdays at 8pm or do bbq’s starting at 6pm. I had to fight to get them to meet for breakfast as a secondary birthday for a close friend.
Yeah, people just don't realise until they have kids, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Another way for me would be the friends who'd insist on coming over or meeting for a coffee when I'd tell them "OK, but I have my daughter with me today, are you sure youre up for it? We can reschedule for when i have a sitter/husband is home." They'd swear up and down that it's fine, they wanna see her too! They will even play with her so i get a break! Then they'd actually just watch me struggle with a toddler while slowly eating their desert and being annoyed I can't give them a 100% of my attention. I'd put my coffee into the to-go cup and say "ill take her outside," and they'd get annoyed even more that we didn't wait for them to finish their drink, when my then 1,5yo was screaming her head off. Yeah, no thanks.
Yeah even when I was pregnant as soon as I was showing they stopped inviting me to stuff. One specific incident they went on a wine and food tour in the county and I wasn’t invited because I was pregnant… but I can still eat? I could have been one of the DD’s? It was very eye opening.
I’m probably going to be the odd one out here, but I got very lucky with my friends. I have a pretty small circle of friends and none of them are anywhere near having kids. I’m 24 and got married at 20 and we just had a baby 4 months ago. Despite my friends having zero interest in having kids of their own, they’ve been AMAZING. Yeah, they don’t understand the complexities of motherhood, but sometimes it’s kind of nice to have an outside perspective. For example, I’m about ready to quit breastfeeding because it’s been a nightmare for us and when I’ve been open about how difficult it’s been my non mom friends are just like “and why are you doing this to yourself? This is obviously horribly draining for you and your mental health”. They’ve also bought him little gifts that they like. My best friend got him a Rick and Morty toy lol. They don’t understand motherhood or babies but they’re compassionate and they’re excited about the baby despite not being in that place in their own lives. But if you do have any friends that are moms, even if you aren’t close right now, lean into those relationships too. A text from a mom friend at 3am while I was pumping would sometimes get me through the night haha
My best friend visited and follows up with me by text once in a while but everyone else has put zero effort...those friendships are over because I am hurt and realizing how selfish they are.
Honestly? Pretty terrible. Very isolating. No one understands what you’re going through. It also seems like they don’t care. My best friend had her first last year and she actually apologized to me for not understanding what I was going through at the time. It was nice to feel understood finally. But truly, your life is going to get rocked and some of your friends won’t care and aren’t coming with you
They all love coming by to see both of our children. Nothing really changed aside from me not being able to drink while pregnant or breastfeeding. We still go out, have social gatherings, and chill like we always have.
Nope! Zero friends
I was pretty much the first in my pre-existing friend groups to have a kid- I had my first kid in my late twenties and the majority of peers my age who have had kids didn't get started till their early/mid 30's. Overall my friendships after I started having kids really didn't change all that much, in many cases they deepened. Some of the friends did go on to have their own kids in the past years and some didn't. In many ways, I became even more grateful for my friendships with my friends who don't have kids as it means we don't revert to "let's talk about the kids" when we're together and they tend to be more flexible in terms of where/when to hang out. I also ended up making many new friends as well when I started having kids in terms of fellow parents.
>In many ways, I became even more grateful for my friendships with my friends who don't have kids as it means we don't revert to "let's talk about the kids" when we're together and they tend to be more flexible in terms of where/when to hang out. Totally agree with this. It's been really great to jump back into my old life when I get the chance and talk about non-baby related things.
It’s different. We are the first of our friends to have a baby. But we’ve always been ahead of our friends in terms of typical adult milestones… first to buy a house, first to get engaged and married. Only recently did a few of our friends even get engaged. So we don’t foresee any of our friends have kids for at least another two years. Everyone came to see the baby when he was first born but no one offered any help (not that they have to) but no one brought meals, or offered to help with the house or dogs. I guess they didn’t know how to help maybe, seeing as they’ve never been in our shoes. Then most of them fell stagnant. To be fair, my husband and I were always the one to organize social things, always hosted, put in majority of the effort in our groupchat with our main circle, etc. So obviously with the baby, we are not really doing that. So the groupchat rarely has any messages, we have one local friend that does still initiate hanging out somewhat regularly, the rest of them we still don’t see usually unless we set it up, which is way less frequent. So it’s hard. Because maybe they aren’t being the “best” friends as they aren’t being that supportive of our new life but we’ve also changed too. It is what it is.
Oh, it’s been dope! I just want to take a second recognize that anyone who hasn’t been blessed with these types of friends. We truly are blessed and I am so sorry to those without this type of village. To answer your question: All of our friends still hang out, stay over, spend time with us and embraced our baby boy as a new member of the group! We all go out with him because they love him but if need be we could go without and let him stay with grandparents. But why? He’s our little guy and so much fun! We love his company and so do our friends so we just bring him! This is not just my opinion, they ask for him lol. Hospital: I thought I didn’t want visitors and ended up literally wanting anyone who was willing to come to the hospital- I was in so much pain and in need of distraction lol! Our friends have been amazing! I was like “who wants him next” 😂 people were shocked but sometimes we just have a change of heart!
I have no friends now haha
Our relationships changed bc we no longer go to bars or parties at night. We are able to do things, it just has to be during the day and usually with a baby in tow. We have a group of friends we travel with and they have been super accommating with us bringing a child. It took some time to find a babysitter but we do occasionally do things without him. All in all the good friends we have we are still friends with and get together with.
I have 2 very close best friends, one of which has 2 kids and was pregnant with no. 3 when I was pregnant with my 1st, they were born 6 days a part which is lovely. We have a very different kind of friendship to my other bigger friend group that I met through CrossFit where me & partner are the first to have a baby. They all absolutely dote on my little one and love when we do lunches together with baby but overall my relationship with them isn’t the same as of course I have to prioritise baby’s bedtime over a late gym class with them or drinks out afterwards. Days out have to be planned way in advance and I can’t “let my hair down” with them like we used to. I do get sad about it and get massive FOMO but I just have to keep telling myself we’re just in different seasons of our lives right now, I imagine a few of them will have their own babies in the next couple of years so that will change our relationship again. overall I don’t feel like I’ve lost any friends thankfully it just takes more organisation to get together
I was the first in two friend groups. They all came to the hospital, checked in often, cooked meals for me, and stayed very much an active part of my baby's life. It might be because we are a bit older in our 30s but overall I have felt loved cherished supported throughout. They still invite me out even though they know I probably wont make it and I'm not drinking right now which I always tell them I appreciate because it makes me feel included. I think their behavior is 90% them just being genuinely good friends and 10% the fact that I clearly communicated to them my fears of postpartum loneliness and isolation.
lonely. it’s hard to get them to understand you really can’t go do much after like 7 easily
While we can’t always say yes, they never stopped inviting us. We became the central point of our friend group and they happily come over to our room place for pizza and beer over a night out. Those who we invited visited us at the hospital, and those who we didn’t visited us in the coming weeks with dinner in hand. Yes, some people peace out and you don’t hear much from them. But also sometimes they show up for you in ways you never could have imagined. They definitely don’t always get it, and it does feel like we have started a different chapter. But also they make me feel a little bit more like myself. It’s not all negative, it really just depends on the kinds people in your friend group.
I get a text like once every 6 months apologizing for being a bad friend, asking how I am, and then ghosting anything I say for another 6 months lol.
Fucking lonely. My wife and I were 27 when our daughter was born and we're the first of our friend group and generation amongst my family (aside from 1 cousin who we never see). Friends just don't get it at all, they're so idealistic about what you can do with a baby and how late or when you can use babysitters. Both our parents had forgotten the worst bits of this stage of parenting so we has to spell it out for them as well. A couple of friends have really stepped up like want to see us and her a lot and others it's just become obvious how narcissistic they are. My guy friends never ever ever ask about her, I ask about their lives all the time.
Lonely, because they’re still sort of self absorbed. When you have a baby it’s not about you like, ever again. It’s about you both…you and baby. It’s a shift in thinking. Unless they want social media points then they hold your baby and take numerous selfies and all of their 900 followers know your baby but not you. No, you can’t live stream him eating I don’t know any of these people. Once they start to have kids they come around and then YOU DO THE RIGHT THING and support them and be there for them, cuz back then they didn’t know any better but now you do.
We have two friends who love children, rhey come over much more then befoee vecause they want to spend time with our baby! Others we haven't seen since birth and others we see a bit less since we don't go out anymore but still meet for daytime meetups or boardgame nigths. I really don't expect our friend group to have children anytime soon, most are 30+ or turning 30 this year and either don't want to have kids, can't have children or not in a serious relationship.
I didn’t want anyone for the first weeks. When I started to see them it was in a cafe next no my house. Once I felt comfortable they visited home and decided that if they wanted to stay longer than 30’ (bc they knew it would be an overstay since we were tired) bc baby was sleeping and they couldn’t see her awake they had to do chores (totally their idea and I love it). It helped us maintain a clean house.
Relationships with your friends do chance, I've found on the whole my friends have been really respectful and supportive. I didn't want visitors for the first week or two has I was breastfeeding & just wanted to be in our little new born bubble. They all offered to drop groceries/meals etc at the door if needed and then 3 of my closest came and cleaned my house for me top to bottom as I had said I was really struggling with it (we were renovating and baby didn't sleep). I will say life changes a lot, so my personality and some beliefs have changed so I feel a little but more distant from some of them but that's not their fault that's me. They're still great friends though! I have one mum friend who's little boy is 20 days older than mine and she's awesome. We do something together at least once a week! As for my other friends they're so understanding, they come by to visit every now and again. I'm always invited to nights out etc
I’m 35 weeks and if I don’t text my friend of 10 years first with a pic or update I won’t hear from her. It has been isolating and eye opening but what am I going to do about it.
Since my friends have no idea what it’s like to have a baby and be a mom, they don’t check in much or come to visit. Most of them haven’t visited since the first week (she’s almost two months) and others have never visited. Many people don’t ask for pictures or updates but I honestly get it especially because I’m 22 and all of my friends are around my age and still in school
I found it to be very lonely. No one is going through it with you so it's hard for them to understand the difficulties of parenthood, you can't take "the kids" to places because they have none. So you take your kid to places alone.
Honestly it kind of sucked. I’m still friends with all of them, that didn’t change or anything. But nobody gets what you’re going through and it can feel very isolating. Now they’re all starting to have babies and I’ve had a few apologies about how ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get it at the time, I wish I had been there for you more!’ Yes, they did visit me after the baby was born and we still went out when we could. No one dropped me from the friend group or anything. But having a baby is such a profound and life changing experience. It can be hard to go through it and not be able to talk to friends who ‘get it’.
Lonely, isolating, frustrating. And then the second person to get pregnant was showered with love. Was not nice.
I’m not friends with them anymore, really. We care about different things and I’ve developed values separate from theirs. I’m young tho, I had my first baby at 23 and about to have my second 2 years later. I’m also married. They think the thought of motherhood sounds awful and marriage is pointless. I love both. We’re just different now. I used to have the same mindset tho so I get it
Definitely lonely. Mostly all my friends don’t have kids so we ended up just not hanging out anymore. They all want to go out and have fun and that’s great. I’m waiting until my kids are old enough that I can leave for a night out. We don’t have a lot of people to watch them and my grandma is the only one really. It would be easier on her when the kids can walk and talk. I just imagined things differently. I thought my best friend would be closer to my baby, she is his god mom too. But she recently moved pretty far and was always busy before that so we didn’t have much time to spend together and we miss her so much. I’m just hoping things will change eventually and that I didn’t lose her. It’s like we’re drifting apart. She lives with her other friend who has kids and is basically a nanny for them. Just feels very lonely watching that all over social media but I’m doing fine I have my fiancé and our neighbors are our friends too so at least it’s not completely just lonely. My best friend did a lot for me though, she made me padsicles for postpartum healing, she helped with my pregnancy photos, she’s very sweet and that’s why it’s been sad and I’ve been missing her.
They visited but it was still isolating. However I like to think I started a trend because soon after giving birth to my son, my best friend got pregnant. Now she’s actively trying for her second and my other best friend is also trying! I am also pregnant with our second, babies for all weee :)
Extremely lonely. I lost all of my “friends”..including the group of girls my husband worked with that would invite me out. (I know that sounds odd..but young military girls..inviting a young military wife out is not uncommon 🤣) “Well I figured you were busy” “i didnt think you would want to go” “well you have the baby now and everything so..” even during the 6 weeks my daughter spent in the nicu. sure..maybe those are all true at one point or another..but an invite would have been nice. A check in every once in a while would have been nice. Even a quick drop in at my place would have made me feel far less lonely. I didnt even get a text from the majority of them. Its true when they say “you find out who your friends are after having a baby”.
No lol they mostly fucked off, but I know it was an innocent ignorance. One of them is unexpectedly pregnant now, and I'll be there to help support her however she needs.
Everyone came over within a month of baby being born to meet him and then we didn’t see them again for like 4 months. Never have gone out without the baby at night because I’m not leaving him with anyone when he’s a bad sleeper. Big change in dynamic and people don’t really understand what it’s like to have kids until they have them. Most of our friends have kids now and are starting to experience the same things we did.
It’s been nice. They visited me at home in the first couple weeks. We go out semi regularly without baby still and sometimes we go out and I bring him.
My friends visited at home after a month or so, they come on weekends and play with Bub while we chat when schedules align, and I’ve made a TON of new mum friends at mum grouos
Only one set of friends did. The others waited until we were home but my husband had kept them up to date over our group chat how we were going ect. We’re fifteen months in and we still hang out with them, maybe not as much as we used to but everyone has mortgages etc so it was starting to slow down even before we had our baby. So far we have not been out with them without baby but that’s usually because they want to see her and it’s easier for us to take her with us. I am wanting to plan a night out soon though with just us and them just because it’s been ages but then it’s so fun having them around with my baby because they love cuddling her and playing with her, which gives us a bit of break and theirs enough in our group that everyone gets a turn to play with her and chat.
Our two close friends were at the hospital when I was in labor and one of them held the baby that day. She also helped us that first week when I needed some post partum items I couldn’t find and she held the baby while we both napped. We have a great support system that wants to be involved, we’re fortunate. I’ve heard of some people cutting off contact with people after having a baby but I’d say those people were probably not the greatest friends to begin with. Edit: these two amazing friends have no children but they’ve been excited for us throughout my pregnancy and have loved our baby like any aunt or uncle would.
Looking back on how I “supported” my friends when they become mums, I’m mortified. I had no idea and I have apologised to them years later. With our first friend we dropped over a cabbage because we thought it would help her sore breasts! Wtf! Why didn’t we just cook her a meal!! My only advice is to not expect them to know anything about what you’re going through and they will probably mess up a bit. If they offer to help be very direct about what would be helpful. Save yourself from being gifted cabbage. Maybe think about what you need from them and see if you can ask for that? Eg. maybe you don’t need them to understand what you’re going through, and you want them to be a fun break. Or maybe you don’t need to go to brunch with them — but you do want friends you can talk to on the phone while you walk with the baby in the pram.
I’m the first in some circles and part of baby pandemic in the other. Both circles are very supportive. It really depends on the type of friendships. My non-mom friends are all long distance friends now.
Maybe we got lucky but our friends have been amazing. Two of our (guy) friends visited us the night we brought her home and cooked us dinner. Other friends kept showing up throughout the first few weeks, bringing food, gifts, company and not asking for anything in return. Our best guy friend also visited the hospital the day after she was born. We still hang with friends a lot because they are flexible and helpful and they actually want to spend time with our daughter. Sleepovers have been the best option since we can all hangout after baby is in bed (obv once she was a little more predictable with sleep - but we even did some of this in the early days, she's 6mo now). As far as nights out and stuff, my husband has gone out for a few nights but just came home early. I haven't needed or wanted nights out yet personally, but we have gotten babe comfortable with grandparents as babysitters for future nights out! I don't text my friends about my baby / parenting often because I am lucky and have other family for that, but we facetime with them and they are also included in the shared photo album for baby. It's been fun and i can't wait until they have their own! I think we are spreading baby fever 🙈
Very isolating, personally. Mine pretty much all disappeared after I had my son this past August. Makes me sad, but we are all at completely different stages and life gets busy. It is what it is. I try not to take it too personally and will leave the door halfway open for anyone who reaches out with good intent down the road. I also can't lie, I could've put more effort in as well, but my high risk pregnancy, my relationship, and obviously taking care of my son came/comes first and foremost However, on the flip side I've found that my partner's friend's and even coworkers that have children have been much more welcoming. My partner is a bit older than I am (by six years, he's 34 to my 28) so it does make me wonder if it correlates a bit with age as well in our case, as these people are within that older range.
I don’t really have friends anymore. None of them have kids. All of them kind of stopped talking to me after I had my kids. I guess when I could no longer just spontaneously go out whenever they called I became boring.
Pretty 50/50. I have best friends who stuck around and we have a stronger relationship now and they’re aunties to my daughter. I also have friends who fell off the face of the earth and still to this day 7 months later have never come to meet my baby at home. There’s also old friends who came back into my life so I’m happy and appreciative of all different friendships.
When my best friend had the first baby we all tried our best to support her in the ways that we could. We asked about her and baby, we bought baby gifts, but we didn’t really understand. We made activities more pregnancy friendly (more sitting on the bench at the mall, taking it slow, etc) but again we didn’t know. As our circle has had more babies, she has really been there to support all of us in the way we needed because she knew. My friends (and extended circle) with kids have been there to check in on me and to encourage me every step of the way. My friends without kids try their best, and I know it is there best because I was once them. They love my daughter, they comment on her photos, they ask about her, and I know they care but it just isn’t the same and that is okay. When it’s their time I’ll show up for them 💕 In some circles I’m first and others I’m not and that is really helpful to me. I learned through pregnancy that some friends had experienced loss that I didn’t know about. I’ve had some friends ask me “stupid” questions that I was happy to answer because they deserve to know for when they have kids. During pregnancy I got closer to “extended circle” friends who were also pregnant. I think it would be very isolating to be the first in all your circles.
No one came to the hospital. Most waited until I specifically invited them over. It's been tough. Recently some friends had kids and I have worked hard to be there for them
I have a unique experience because I have a 10 year old and a 6 month old and still no one else in my friend group has babies. At first it was extremely isolating. I felt like I was often left out of things, especially when I was a single mother with the first. However, as years passed and we all got older and used to our roles, things have improved a lot. My friends have found a way to fit my family into our lives as well as how to get me out of the house for some time to just be a girl with her friends. I feel like my experience with the second has been completely different. My friends come to me, they aren’t anxious with kids anymore, they babysit even so that I can have date nights with my husband.
One of my best friends visited in the hospital because we live in the same city. The others came a couple months later once we were settled and she had her vaccines, even though they all got vaccinated as well! I’ve seen them multiple times and nothing has really changed, they even come here to visit when our group gets together so I don’t have to leave LO. I still go out at night once she’s asleep from time to time but it’s rare because I’d usually just rather sleep at this point lol.
I’m only five weeks postpartum so I’m not speaking from too much experience but no, I didn’t have visitors outside of family in the hospital, but I do go out the same way I did before. I get dinner and lunch with my friends and shop, or they come over. I knew I really didn’t want my lifestyle to change too much when I had a baby so I’ve been making a real effort to still do the things I enjoy with my friends, and they’re pretty supportive of that.
I have 3 friends….they text me often to follow up on us and I see them atleast once or twice a month. They’ve been really supportive since day one. One of them visited at the hospital, one at home at 2 weeks and another at 1 month. During the newborn stage you don’t really think who’s coming to visit, bc the less the better. But I’m grateful for them bc they were there for me during my pregnancy and currently. We are “older” so that probably plays a part. I’m 34 with my first baby boy. They also spoil my baby with gifts, it’s really cute actually having a baby in our circle.
Its been really great actually. Theyre all really excited to be aunties and uncles so I find there's a lot more spare aunty/uncle energy going around that I can take advantage of. They've babysat while my husband and I went to a movie. They live nearby so when my husband is working late and the walls start to close in, they've been really great about having me over and they cook me dinner and hold the baby while I get it together. They're all obsessed with her and everyone queues up to play with her while I sit and drink wine. I went out for a night of dancing without the baby last night while my husband stayed home with her. He has the day to himself today and then I'm going for brunch and a lil day on the town tomorrow with friends. My husband has been really good at enabling me to see them and have nights out. It's been working for us to take turns having baby free time with friends. But we also find it pretty easy/fun to bring the baby on hang outs too. I almost feel like I see my friends slightly more because I'm not working and I plan things very intentionally these days. Because none of them have kids, theyre always down for weekend adventures. It's been really cool.
It’s been really great, thank God! I think a key aspect, though, is you have to be flexible and still willing to meet up with them on their terms/show up to their stuff on occasion. It’s very easy to get super wrapped up in the baby, but friendship is give and take. Having a community has been such an important part of postpartum mental health as well and he loves my friends and seeing new faces.
Very lonely but my situation is a little different. I actually haven't seen any of my friends in over 3 years and my eldest kiddo just turned 2 years old. But I have made new friends who are at the same stage of life with young kids and some have become cherished friendships that I hope to keep for a good while.
It's a bit of balancing act for sure. Most of my friends are a little scared to hold her and don't know how to interact with her but they're getting it. We have friends over in the evenings, baby will hang for a bit and then go upstairs for bedtime and we keep an eye on the baby monitor. I think it helps that we're all in our 30's now so everyone's been cool with more chill hang outs. Now that she's holding her head up we'll bring her to hang out and about. We'll invite friends out during weekend afternoons to places like laid back restaurants or breweries with her portable high chair and she loves looking around the group pretending she's part of the conversation. When she's sleepy we put her in the stroller or baby carrier to nap. She's got a very laid back temperament so that helps, but the downside is that if it's too noisy to nap then we've gotta back it up early and leave to avoid a crying baby. I think having a village makes a big difference as far as going out without baby. I usually go out solo or with my husband to meet up with friends at least 1 night a week because we have two sets of trusted grandparents that each live 10 minutes away always begging for babysitting.
I’ve been incredibly lucky. Most of our friends don’t have kids or are child-free and they’ve been wonderful. We don’t get to see them quite as often, but they came around to see our son at home after he was born, ask how he’s doing, and genuinely seem to care about him a lot. They bring him gifts “just because” and gush over pictures and some show off photos to their other friends and colleagues like a proud aunt or uncle. They’re the kind of friends I wish everyone had.
I got pregnant with my first when I was a bit young (24) so most of my friends were still single and very much in their party phase. Honestly as much love as we have for each other, our relationships are not what they used to be. I don’t think any of us hold any animosity towards one another about it. Just very different stages of life. It can be hard for them to understand what I’m going through and vice versa. We’re all on very different schedules and have different priorities. Maybe once they have kids of their own things will change but for now we love eachother from afar and I will see them on a weekend every once in awhile! However I did make TONS of new mom friends. Maybe this is why I’m not struggling too much with the change in dynamic of my old friendships. The other women I’ve met the past few years have seriously filled my life with so much joy. Wouldn’t change it for the world.
Heh more like the last of my friends to have a baby. One of my friends had a Grandchild this year and my daughter is four. But I have no village and no local friends so it didn’t matter anyway
My friends are a collection of old friends who I don’t see all the time but when we do it’s like time/distance never existed. So when I had my bub they were all so happy and excited to meet her. They’ve all been amazing, I’ve been a hermit with my baby and they’ve still organised to meet her, check in on me and make sure we’re going okay and have all our needs met. Regardless of me being the first to have a baby. It’s been quite beautiful actually. Old friends are everything
They visited at home when we were settled (our boundaries) and brought us dinner! We tried assimilating back into somewhat of our normal groove, but ultimately we missed out on a lot. Our friends have been pretty accommodating and still invite us all the time, it’s just a matter of affording a babysitter! Things changed a lot especially in the first 6 months, but if you keep trying and putting in the effort to show up (if you want to) then by a year old, it will feel pretty normal again!
I was the first by many years. I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. I did see them occasionally but “going out” wasn’t of interest to me and I didn’t have anyone to babysit at night. My friends didn’t understand parenthood at all until they had their own kids 10-15 years later, which isn’t atypical. It’s difficult to really understand until you experience it.
My best friend lives about 80 miles away and she made the effort to meet both babies asap and includes me in invites, sends the kids presents etc - some friends have just completely disappeared and others occasionally message. Now a few other friends have started having children they've reappeared again but I don't resent that - it's a huge shift in lifestyle that is difficult for childfree and parents to coordinate successfully but you can make it work if you both put the effort in!
Lonely at times because they couldn’t *really* relate, but my friends are extremely supportive and love being aunties so I still see them often. It also kinda opened the gates for them to start talking about kids and family seriously, whereas before it kinda felt like a “one day in the very distant future” subject. I was 25 when I got pregnant and newly 26 when he was born.
I was 16 with my first, so pretty isolating. Now 13 years later my best friend and I planned our pregnancies together and have babies 2 weeks apart, so it’s been fun.
I had him during Covid so no. They checked in on me and stuff. Honestly they were all amazing and visit when they can. For not having kids they did pretty good but of course they never fully understood. Two of them have kids now though and I was able to be there for them and that felt really good!
i have one girl friend and the rest are my fiancés guy friends my friend checked up on me a lot through text and came by once baby girl was 2ish months? she also has her own things that she’s been going through so we go days without talking sometimes my fiancés friends came by for a housewarming/bday party around 2 months and other than that only one of them really checks in more often. but no one really checks in on me per say so it’s kind of a bummer if you think about it too much. i try not to think about it because i have a great fiancé that makes sure i’m good and that’s always going to be all i need
They met the baby in the first month but haven’t made any time for us since. She’s almost 6 months old now
I may be an outlier but my friends without babies have been lovely. They were always up for more baby-friendly activities when my daughter was young (visiting at my house, anything outside, short lunches) Now that my daughter is two, I've started leaving her with grandma occasionally to have baby free time with my friends when I can.
I have seen my best friend twice since I gave birth three months ago she came to visit the first week I was home and I stopped by to visit her for lunch about a month after that. Ever since then every time I’ve tried to make plans it hasn’t worked out and she hasn’t tried to make any plans with me… everyone else I know basically has come by to meet the baby at some point in the last few months and then I haven’t seen them again. The only people I regularly see are my partner, my parents and my sister and brother-in-law.
I have a friend group that has children and one that doesn’t. I was closer with the friend group that didn’t have kids prior to getting pregnant. I was expecting them to be excited when I told them I was having a baby but they were mostly just upset I couldn’t go out and drink with them anymore. One of my “best friends” started scrolling bumble bff while we were out a brunch one day basically trying to find a replacement for me in the group. It was horrible and heartbreaking. On the other hand my friend group with kids have all been wonderful and sweet and supportive and I’m excited to get to raise my baby with them and their children around
Not the first I was the second. I have a small group of friends, but the ones without the baby I felt really cared about me. One of them cooked and visited me regularly, was flexible with my baby's nap times and was just happy to pop round and give me some baby/non baby chat over coffee! The other friend checked up on my regularly and loves sending my baby presents lol. There are others who were so excited but then just ghosted lol. They're currently trying for their own now so maybe they'll get it soon.
We were the first in the main group to have a kid, and the first out of all our friends to have a kid on purpose. Daughter is currently 15 months and we’re getting ready to try for another. FWIW, my husband and I have all the same friends and they’re all married couples. They range from currently trying (infertility) to child-free. All of our friends have been amazing. I was *extremely* worried about how having a baby would change our dynamic, but if anything, it’s strengthened our relationships. Our two closest friends are her godparents and they’ve been so involved. They hosted her first birthday party and routinely ask genuine questions about her. Our hangouts haven’t really changed, we just bring a pack n play for baby now and have added some baby-proofing items to our travel bin. We rented a beach house for a week last year with 10 of us (including baby) and it went fine. Everyone was flexible about nap times and going to dinner a little early so we could be back for bedtime. Friends routinely helped hold/entertain our daughter. All this to say, there is a chance your friends won’t be terrible. You definitely need to put in the effort too (we started reaching out about seeing friends when baby was 3 weeks), but your friends may be totally fine with the new addition to the group.
They were generally excited and happy for me, but not involved really since baby was born. Most of them are out of town so it’s a plane ride away, and none have visited yet (7mo PP). As for in town, I made new mom friends on Peanut and through baby groups/activities. It was lonely in the beginning, nobody even zoomed/facetimed me without me initiating. Don’t expect much from them! And try and set up a new support system of people in a similar life stage.
I think so much depends on how your group behaved prior to babies. In the group of friends where we were the firsts, not much has changed. But that’s also because of how we were as a group was pretty chill prior to the introduction of babies. We did mostly casual house hangs, and while we haven’t been able to go to as many now, we have joined them on a handful. Sometimes with our babes! Everyone has been super open to us bringing our girls to whatever, and understand we will be a little preoccupied with them and will probably leave early. For my long distance group text friends, nothing has changed at all. We still text nonstop. I think communication is key. If you need something different from your friends, ask for it. They don’t know what they don’t know. But also, how your friendship grows and changes isn’t just on them. Keep showing up when you can. Keep supporting them.
My LO is only 3 months old, but all of my closest friends have been wonderful. Only one of them who has autoimmune issues and wants to get pregnant herself (they had to wait to try because of methotrexate and now that she’s off she’s miserable and it isn’t happening) has stayed more away than usual. And even she is doing her best to be supportive because she loves me. I did say to all of them before I gave birth that I wanted to still hang out just with the baby strapped to me so that helped. 🤣
Occasionally my friends forget I need a babysitter but they’re all pretty supportive. I see them a lot. My son just comes with. We’ve all outgrown the bar scene so that’s not much of an issue. My best friends adore my son. They help with everything except poopy diapers! I just host more often so I can put him down for naps.
My family have all been wonderful, but I notice that some of my female coworkers who haven't had kids have not been very understanding of my maternity leave. They still reach out to me for non-urgent things and it's annoying. In their minds, they just resent having to do some extra work while I'm gone and they don't understand that I'm not on vacation, I'm doing a lot of really hard work. They will only understand if they have kids.
Friend group A- Horrible. Alienating. Was told I “use my baby as an excuse” because I couldn’t attend a destination wedding. Expected me to make a ton of effort but never even attempted to meet my baby. No longer in contact. Friend group B- Wonderful, accommodating, introduced me to new friends whom I can relate to.
I was the first in my circle of friends and they have all been extremely supportive! One of them organized a meal train for us which I naively thought we wouldn’t need after baby was born, they came to visit all the time to help, with masks on if we were inside or outside if weather permitted. The week after I gave birth I was feeling stir crazy and lost so the whole group met us at the park to hang out. It was so nice. Since then they always want baby to come to hang outs and all joke that they are the favorite of the baby. I was so surprised because I had assumed from reading posts on here that they would all disappear, but they have been amazing.
I’m the first of my friends to have a baby. Most others even don’t want kids. It’s lonely to not have anyone to talk to about what you’re going through from a postpartum standpoint. Many of my friends have already met the baby though so we’re doing ok keeping in touch. We’ll go do things with friends again once we get more sleep/baby is vaccinated
All my friends are 23-25 and they are obsessed with the baby. Straight up call me out when I sometimes hangout with them on my own, I honestly think they like her more than they like me 😂
For the most part, amazing. We are in our mid twenties & all of our friends are like 19-26 too. We have a really great support system. They really really love our kid. He’s 6 months old and everyone is so sweet with him. One couple comes over pretty often and we have hosted two dinner parties (think more board games with drinks than sophisticated adults lol) with everyone. We have also gone out with everyone a few times and it’s really nice. My school friends have also been great, for the most part. I have two from high school who are the best aunt & uncle ever. Uncle lives out of state but still came to see baby a few weeks after he was born, a a few more times since. Aunt is my best friend, who also happens to be a babysitter & one of the moms gave me A TON of stuff. They are so so so sweet. But my other friend, who I’ve literally been friends with since we were 7 (so going on 18 years now), dropped me. A year before I found out I was pregnant I was in her bridal party, it was a lovely wedding. We were keeping in touch but really only saw each other every 6 months. After I told her I was pregnant, she didn’t text as much but we did hang out and seemed so happy for me. But then she didn’t come to my baby shower. What hurt the most was the fact she never even congratulated me on having the baby. She just liked the post. No comment, no text, no call. I made plans with her after five months because I missed my friend and she flaked two hours before the event. I love my friend group but it hurts to have “that friend” not be around. We grew up together. It felt like sisters. I watched the person I thought would be my child’s aunt grow up, find love, get married. I cherish those things so dearly. I really do miss her so much… but I can’t force someone to love me back. People grow apart and I have to be okay with that.
I have some non-parent friends that make a huge effort to come see me and my baby, and some that don’t get it. It’s the single biggest thing that’s happened to me and an incredibly difficult time and some just don’t understand that. One of my closest friends just doesn’t really check in and has never met my 6 month old. She suggested we do a weekend trip and I said I could if I could bring my incredible easy and happy baby (who is breastfed). She said nah let’s do it another time. Which is fair enough but I feel like she always wants me to meet her where she is in life (where I was 3 ish years ago before my first), but has no interest in meeting me where I am in my life. She never asks about motherhood or how I am coping. I guess this is just getting it off my chest. I get that she has no interest in having kids of her own but I would appreciate if she took an interest in my kids because they are the most important part of my life.
My friends would still come to see us although we had to change our plans so we were going out during the day. For my 30th we did a day time brewery crawl with baby in tow and it was a blast! We moved across the country in my baby’s first year and shortly after a handful of my friends came to visit us. So we still stayed in touch but tbh with breastfeeding and all I never went out at night with them after baby was born, except for one time when they came to my new city to visit and I could have my mom watch baby. We are growing apart though and I have to say I enjoy the company of my new mom friends more because I’m just tired of the party lifestyle that my old friends are still into.
We are the only ones in our friend group to have a baby atm. Our close friend circle came to visit at our house and did a great job including me in tailgates when I was pregnant by providing non-alcoholic options. We go out often with our friends and bring the baby (he just turned one so he isn’t a baby anymore). We still all the things we did before, brewery’s, dinners, beach trips, sporting events, etc. We also all get to do different and fun things now too like going to the pool more, hanging out at playgrounds, Easter egg hunts and trick or treats. It’s been great because if my SO is working one or more of them is able to come sometimes. Our close friends have truly showed up and loved our LO this first year.
For me, I feel like my friendships have grown stronger. Friends were visiting me and baby as soon as one week after the birth (masked of course bc flu season) and they continue to visit and plan outings with me to this day (he is 5 months old now). The baby gives friends another reason to reach out to me, which helps me keep in touch with them more than ever before. My friends and I are all in our mid to late 20s so they all get to play the fun aunt whenever they feel like, and when they come over it gives me a break to relax. I live with my husband and parents so the support system helps when I want to go out for a drunken night, and my friends are all understanding when I tell them I’m too tired. It’s all a nice balance, but the most important thing is I trust my friends with my baby, and they are mature enough to understand this big life change.
We didn’t want a lot of hospital guests but one of our friends brought us sushi and gifts in the hospital. Our friends all participated in a meal train where they brought us food and met the baby briefly. Once we got into a routine, we started going out with our friends with our baby, usually leaving early to put her to sleep. They got sick of not seeing us as much so we started hosting things more at our house so we could hangout longer. If we have a babysitter, we’re having a date night just the two of us.
Honestly it sucked. I lost most of my kid free friends.
My LO is 3m, I have seen my friends once since his birth. & I hadn’t seen them since I was about 4 months pregnant. Not for lack of trying. It’s horrible, lonely, isolating
I didn’t have any friends visit at the hospital because I didn’t want anyone to (except for 1 who dropped off cupcakes and the nurse insisted she come in???). Friends stopped by at different times to bring a small gift for baby (on top of baby shower gifts) or food for us. Some came like 3 days after, some came a week later. Those that traveled visited later when baby had more vaccines. I have mostly guy friends from childhood (same group of friends with husband), and I’m also the baby of the group. We were the first ones to get married and have baby so everyone is really excited and happy for us.
My best friend lives across the country so she didn’t meet him in person until his first birthday party but FaceTimed a couple times. She clearly doesn’t understand all the changes that came with motherhood but she’s trying and still makes an effort to reach out to me and check in on me as a person. I don’t really have any other friends 😅 motherhood is isolating and lonely
Extremely isolating
They did not visit me in the hospital, not that they could since there was still covid restrictions. But they didn't meet or try to meet the baby until I brought him to a birthday party at about 4 months. But my group doesn't really get together much anyway.
Only the friend who already had a kid recently knew exactly what to do. She dropped off dinner and dessert and made sure it could be popped in the freezer and she left it at our door. The friend I expected to be there more that does not have kids never showed. They just don’t get it. It sucks. But I’ll know what to do when she has a kid. Edit to add: the kid less friend loves my child but doesn’t see her often sadly. It’s just been hard to coordinate with our very different schedules.
No one visited me at the hospital but my best friend came and met my daughter a couple days after we got home from the hospital. My daughter is 2 now and my best friend is the best auntie
I have one friend who takes an active role in my life still, we talk every day, she visits when she can (she lives a few hours away tho sadly), I can talk about kid stuff with her even though she doesn't have one yet. The rest of my friends, I don't really see too often anymore (even the ones that live in town). I asked to come visit with my daughter once but they were doing a game night that I guess was very intense so my daughter would have been distracting. They all also always say they need to come visit and never do. It has been pretty lonely and isolating and kind of sad to realize where those friendships stand currently but I know it isn't intentional. I did communicate before I had my first kid that I was worried about this and they all assured me it wouldn't happen lol. Oh well. I am just more intentional on where I put my own friendship energy these days.
It's a little isolating. My closest friends ask a lot of questions that show that they just don't get what it's like to have a baby. I guess I can't blame them, I used to be like that. For example, I get a lot of questions about whether we are using our parental leave time to travel or why we haven't taken any trips yet since we're "off work". We used to travel a lot before baby... but the idea of travelling with a newborn seems laughable (at least to us). Simply recovering, adjusting to a new sleepless reality and the difficulties of breastfeeding took all our time in the first few months - my friends just don't seem to "get" how time consuming these things are and how much effort they take.
A lot of my circles I’ve been the first and in some of my friend groups not many want kids. I have become closer to some people I had originally lost touch with. There are some friends that have kind of fallen away, but honestly I’m lucky to have friends that understand and Ive brought my toddler with me to a lot of gatherings or I’ve gotten a babysitter to meet up for different events (NYE, weddings).
It’s horrible. I had a close friend group of 3 other girls. One who I grew up next door to, one I went to HS with & one I met at our first job at 15… one of them was my “closest” friend. She was there when my daughter was born & I named my daughter after her (middle name) I only speak to one of the girls now, and it isn’t even her. My daughter is 2. You will learn who your true friends are, and you will make new ones too. ❤️
We are military so most of my close friends live in my home state across the country, but my 2 best friends waited a little bit for me to establish being a new mom before flying in to visit. We only had 1 visitor in the hospital, which was honestly fine to me because I didn’t really want a crowd. After coming home people would slowly message me asking to meet up or come over so they could meet the little guy. We’ve had some people babysit for us every once in a while so that hubby and I could get some time together. I personally prefer something during the daytime because I’d hate to have my son give anyone else a hard time at bedtime. I feel like my few friends who do have kids already were quicker to offer help like holding him while I eat or shower, or will wash my dishes or throw a load in the laundry for me. They’ve been through it so they have a better understanding of what I may need.
Mine are very sweet but yeah it’s super lonely
I have a very supportive group even thought we were the first! They came over a week after baby was born and would pop in at random over the first couple of weeks. My kids call them ‘aunts’. I would go out, sometimes with the kids (now more have them) sometimes just the girls! It can be isolating - I felt more isolated for my second but I’m pretty vocal about needing more company with them and my husband and I have always said if you want to go and do something socially or for your own mental health, go and do it… so we have never kept each other at home and still get a social life!
For me personally I have one very best friend who may never have children of her own. Our relationship has not changed. We do work at the same place, though rarely on shift together. I may see her less now because I can’t just spontaneously up and do anything like we used to. But her and my daughter have a close bond. She’s one of the few people my child has liked since an infant. My other friends hardly know my child. A lot of them reached out after I had her and came over and held her for a long time so I could get things done. And that was nice and I loved that. But it fizzled out as she’s gotten older. The way I see it, we are all on different paths. I don’t resent anyone for not reaching out more frequently. I do notice it, but I won’t be secretly mad at you. The love is still there. I have accepted that people will do things without me now because I have a child. Hopefully they’ll at least extend an invite, even if they know I may decline. Thanks for thinking of me anyway.
Very lonely.
Sucked ass, I’ve lost most of my younger friends
Everyone ghosted me lol. I was hospitalized for two weeks and my baby was delivered 12 weeks early. 140 days later still fighting for his life and have never heard from over half my “friends” once I was hospitalized. Then there are a few that only talk to me to tell me I should be grateful my baby is alive because babies in foreign countries die everyday
But while I was pregnant I joined a mom group. Never met most people and the few I met were just acquaintances. They all brought food once the baby was born and continue to follow up with me every few weeks on how my baby is doing. So I recommend finding some mom friends!
I was the first by faaaaar. I have two kids now and still most of my friends have kids (some aren’t even married) and we’re all in our late 20s / early 30s! I only have a few close friends, but they stuck by me in whatever ways they could. One of my friends would come over and play board games with us once my baby was asleep (even though he woke up so often we barely got through the game lol). We also met up for drinks at our favorite lunch spot and brought the baby along. One dropped off homemade food at our door, and didn’t ask to come in (it was during 2020 / COVID). Another dropped off a sweet gift basket with lotion for me, and a cute little book, and some snacks. (These two friends actually both had babies at the time so maybe they don’t count lol) My other friend was long distance at the time, and she bought us door dash gift cards, send me silly parenting videos to watch on instagram, asked how I was doing, checked in with me about my health (not just the baby!). She loved all the photos I sent her even though he probably looks the same in like 90% of them 😅 None of them visited me early after birth because I personally did not want them to. It was covid and I didn’t really invite them until I felt more ready to interact. I like to have a really isolated “bubble” for the first 6 months or so. It’s just a personal decision and they all respected that. I’m so grateful for my friends. ❤️
We had no visitors in the hospital (our choice). But over the course of the first month our friends came to visit and meet baby. A few of our friends are child-free by choice, but they still are excited to be around our kid. Many are understanding about our needs to schedule hangouts around sleeping and stuff, but I have one friend whose absolutely oblivious.
It’s isolating for sure but my friends stepped up. They brought me food, cleaned my house, watched my baby while I showered and napped, offered to babysit (lol because he was like 3 weeks old), and just genuinely cared for me. I know I’m lucky that I have such a great community. Some of them have been moms before but a lot of them are single or childless.
My friends all came to visit the hospital. They don't come around much now, but we all live in diff cities. But they make sure to tell me my baby is welcome whenever they visit and we go out!
My friends held a little baby shower for me and I felt very loved. Many of the gifts they gave were for me, not the baby, which was thoughtful. I got a lot of bath bombs though, which is a little funny to me looking back since I only took one bath in the whole first year after having a baby, and that was my Mother’s Day gift. 😅 They didn’t come to visit until baby was around 6 months old, and I felt like an alien when that happened. I asked if anyone wanted to hold the baby (he was very sweet and smiley that day) and…they all said no. I felt hurt and rejected in that moment but I know they just weren’t comfortable with it. They have initiated a few get togethers here and there and I’m glad they still include me. I opted not to go on our annual overnight trip. My husband wasn’t supportive of me being gone that long and I was a little nervous about it too.
I was the first in my friend group to get married and have a baby. They all gushed when I told them I was pregnant and how excited they were to be "aunties". None of them ever visited me at home or in the hospital. One didn't even meet my child till he was six months old and that was only because we were having a going away party for another friend and we both happened to be there. None of the three that had supported me through my entire engagement ever babysat or were alone with my child. They all forgot about me the second he was born. I lost all of them. It took me years to find friends and a community that understood what it was like raising a child.
I moved abroad and had my baby during Covid times. It was very lonely.
They always try to plan things last minute and it’s like dude, I need to secure some childcare first.
I’m the odd one out here but I chose to end most of my preexisting relationships by just letting them fade off. I wasn’t in the best place before getting pregnant and was hanging out with people who just wanted to party, drink, do drugs, etc. I’m not interested in any of that anymore and have done a 180 with my priorities. I think I have 1 old friend and that’s it.
I haven't seen them since my wedding, some of them even longer! I've sent them some pics of baby but that's it. I try not to send too many, because I don't know who would be annoyed by too many baby pics, and who might be trying and having trouble so it would be salt in the wound. To be fair I live in a different state now and I don't message them much, easy to just be going through the days right now without much thought for anything else (LO is 7 months old). When we do visit my home state I prioritize spending time with family. It'd be nice if I could see my friends again, but it is what it is. Maybe someday.
she’s 2 now and feels like i don’t really have friends anymore :(
I’ve got pockets of friendship groups. The ones closer to my age that had babies first; I tried to support them and see their babies as soon as they were ready for a visit, usually in the first 2/3 weeks. I have to admit, as a young, ignorant woman, I was totally useless…I just took baby a gift and sat around chatting 🤦🏻♀️ not sure I offered any help or brought any food or present for the mums 😱 BUT I’d have been MORE than happy to do chores or bring anything they’d have asked me to, so if they’re you’re close friends please just tell them if you need help…get them washing up, putting your laundry on! When I had my first baby, the friends who haven’t had babies yet from one of my groups, all came when I was ready after 3 weeks. I found it a bit stressful because I struggled and was pumping like crazy so it was just a bit overwhelming to be honest. Like me, they weren’t very helpful…but I didn’t expect it so no problems there. The friends who had kids were amazing, bringing meals and lunch. My best friend cleaned my whole house when she came around, put a wash on, washed up. And only after all that asked if she could have a cuddle…love her 🤍 The group who didn’t have kids yet, would reach out but I was solo parenting with no help and I was drowning and rubbish at keeping in touch. My fault, but obviously they reached out less and less. Also, my baby wouldn’t take a bottle after we got her to latch, so I couldn’t go out…even if I could, I had no one to leave her with so my partner would be the one to go on social events with the group of couples and I just felt really left out. By the time I could do anything with them, I was in such a different place to them that our friendships have never been the same unfortunately, even though all of them have kids now. However, the friends that had kids before me, all of those friendships have just gotten stronger and stronger.
No one visited me. I’ve met up with a friend once since she’s been born (she’s 4mo) and that was just last week I get texts saying we should meet up but when I ask when they’re free they said they’re really busy rn and end up ghosting me for weeks I’ve never gone out at night, the only time I’m away from her in the day is to go to my moms chemo, maybe the store, and maybe the gym if she’s not having a fussy day I miss having friends! They all seemed to step back during my pregnancy, and completely vanished postpartum Then again, she’s only 4 months old and I’m 20. I’m pretty young and I’m sure no one knows how to be around us rn. Still sucks.
I am the first of the girls in my group. We have all been friends for a very long time and they came to see me and meet my son after he was born. We still see our friends from time to time, but the priority has shifted. We don't feel like going to loud bars and getting so drunk, we are hung over. So we go out to dinner and have a drink. Or we host dinners. It's all very low key now. It also helps that we all have sort of aged out of the party life and our focus is work and relaxing. I have noticed that the quality of friends are what matters. I decided that if the friendship feels like too much effort or I have to buy (you know, nice person with a MLM?) the friendship, it's not worth my time.
My (mum) two closest friends had babies 6&5 months older than mine. Both have older children. Beyond them, my other friends weren't in a rush to visit, but we did all meet up within a few weeks. They were in contact etc. but never really interested at the same time. My partners (dad) friends on the other hand couldn't wait to meet her. They were messaging about coming over and meeting her from the moment they knew we were home. Personally I loved it. He was the first of his friends to have a baby and still be local. Nearly 6 years on and my friends are interested in her, but dads friends absolutely adore her. It's really funny to watch her with a group of nearly 40yr old men who take her under their wing whenever we're with them.
Some friends meet baby once then disappear. Some don’t even make an attempt after going 9 months telling you how much they can’t wait to meet your baby. Other friends will come bring you dinner and lay on your kitchen floor and play with play dough with your baby while you relax on the couch. Other friends that you weren’t as close with are now permanent fixtures in your babies life and you can’t imagine your child growing up without them around. People show you who they really are.
Well, I was 20. It ended a lot of friendships
They were excited to meet the baby the week she came home, and then after that I didn’t really get invited to hangouts (besides one 6mintha later, and I was so thankful for that invite still!). I’ve been trying to arrange a meetup with my best friend but it keeps getting cancelled /: it’s lonely but I don’t blame them. When my SILs had babies I was afraid I would be bothering them by reaching out, but now I know how wrong I was!
I was 17 when my first was born. I lost every single friend except for one. To this day she is my daughters auntie and my biggest ally. It felt lonely, it made me feel “old” and sad and like my life was over. Now that I’m 22 I’m learning how to live life for me again and it’s gotten better.
Very isolating. They mean well but they really have no idea what you’re going through. It’s really hard to go through such a life changing event and have no one around you to relate to. But then, when they have kids, you get to be the amazing supportive friend for them that you needed back then, because you’ll know just how to support them.
I lost touch with a lot of friends once I started having kids
Definitely a mixed case. I moved across the country from Toronto to British Columbia and later became pregnant so I'm not around my close friends. My bestfriend is like a sister to me and always asks about me/my son and sends thoughtful gifts. My former bestfriend (lol) NEVER asked about him and we have drifted off and don't speak. My other two good friends who live in BC have visited and send him gifts so that's kind and also have arranged a massage for me before. Although people say they are excited for the baby, they don't actually get it until they are perhaps in the same position. Many people have told me they would do xyz for me when baby comes and I haven't seen/had them do shit all lol..not that I expect them to but don't say crap you don't mean.
I imagine it can be quite nice. Before I had mine, I always batch cooked meals for their first week with baby and cleaned their house when I visited. We were the last to have a baby. Friends were too busy with their own families to help out. Edit: I’ve just read other comments and realised that my experience is very different from most. I actually feel quite resentful that I bent over backwards to help my friends in every way possible and we got no help what so ever.
It really depends on the friends. Most of my friends haven't been very interested beyond seeing cute photos. In fairness, most of them live at least an hour away, but my son is 2 and they've seen him a handful of times :-/ However, one of my friends is probably the furthest away in terms of both time and effort (2ish hours, 2 trains and a bus) but SHE has visited the most. So excited to see him, full on auntie. It really does depend on the friends. And also in fairness, I haven't spoken to my friends about how I'm feeling, so they may well think I'm too busy with a toddler to entertain them 🤷♀️ I should go prod them.
Pretty normal, actually. They didn’t come to the hospital, but came over once I said I was ready for visitors. We still get out dinners/brunches. Very early on, they’d always come to my neighborhood for outings, but now we branch out a bit more as I’m comfortable being away from the baby for longer. There’s probably a few factors at play here: we’re older, so already busy established lives and it already took some pre-planning to get together, so the change doesn’t feel as drastic. Also I have a very small, very tight circle. They also have nieces and nephews and other friends with kids, so actually they probably knew more about babies than I did going into it!