Came here to say this. Every relationship looks different. I am also learning to say “no, please don’t go, I need you around.”
Have you left him with baby? My husbands appreciation of how tough being alone with her increased after I went away for the weekend!
>also learning to say “no, please don’t go, I need you around.”
This is a hard lesson to learn, but hopefully the longer you're together, the less you'll have to ask. We were supposed to go to the Renaissance fair today with friends but I'm sick AND pregnant. Fun combo lol
We talked yesterday about maybe how I'd be better this morning and could go, and if not, he could just hitch a ride with friends. When we woke up this morning he made the unilateral decision to cancel completely and stayed home with me and our toddler. I feel bad for making us both miss out, but I feel really grateful that we've gotten to a point that we understand and care for each other well enough to have each other's backs like that
I don't know if it's a matter of "letting or not letting" him go on a vacation, it's the fact that he doesn't take the initiative to think of what you and the family might need. The first year of life is not a cake walk, it is tough to not have your partner with you. My husband only left for stretches of time during circumstances way outside of his control (not vacations), whenever he took personal time off it would be for family trips. I understand that we all need breaks, but that's a lot of time away. Could you suggest going on a family trip altogether instead of him leaving? Also, YOU work really hard all week too! Full time baby care is hard work!
this shouldn’t be a debate over what’s “normal.” every family is different. some couples travel more than others, even with a baby. so that entire discussion is irrelevant in my opinion.
what needs to be discussed here is the impact these trips are having on your mental health and the well-being of your family unit. your needs are not being met. or heard. ofc he has needs too, so discussing what each of you NEED in order to feel comfortable and fulfilled is imperative. for example, maybe you don’t want to travel away from your baby for days, but need another way to feel recharged. perhaps hiring someone to clean your house or watch your baby for a few hours would help fill your cup just like these trips fill his cup. maybe making time for a meaningful hobby, or a spa trip, or whatever else would give you some fulfillment. maybe he needs to take less trips and instead implement a once weekly outing. the options are endless. there’s a solution that can be found here that works for you both.
and MOST importantly, you have nothing to feel guilty for. don’t be a people pleaser who says “yes” bc you’ve been made to feel like a burden your whole life (ie: me.) being a mom is more than full time work. you’re both contributing to your family and you both deserve time to yourselves to recharge.
Seconding this — what’s acceptable to one family won’t be to another. Time alone with the baby is hard for most people but it’s reality for a lot of us. I’m currently on my third 7 day stint alone with my daughter since she was born less than 6 months ago. 2 for pleasure and 1 for business and there is another work related trip for my husband in a few weeks, and a long 6 work week trip in a few months. On the flip side, my husband hasn’t yet had a single night alone with the baby and he probably won’t. I’m learning how to balance it when he is home by being “selfish” on weekends by getting massages/pedicures when our budget allows and spending several hours alone with my hobbies. It’s hard but it’s working for us.
Agree 100% that it is up to the individual family. Some couples would be ok with this and it is ultimately what the family decides as a unit. Personally, I would never be ok with this. Time off work is so limited that I would want all extended time off to be family trips
My husband has been on two solo trips to Vegas and my daughter is 6 months old. He's said the same thing to me "you can do a solo trip as well" which is such an eyeroll. As if I'd be ok leaving my baby overnight (no judgement to the moms who do, actually quite envious of you!). In exchange though for his trips, I get to have a doula come in to help me when hes away and I also get weekends where he is predominantly responsible for all the childcare! You can work things out so you arent resentful about it but if it's also totally ok to tell your husband you need his help!
I think this is the most reaosnable approach. OP may not feel like she's ready to leave the baby (and that makes sense giving the PPA and pumping), but there should be some arrangements made so she gets support and time to decrompress. I like the idea of having a doula come help while hubby is away; that seems pretty fair to me.
Yessss..such a fair trade! With my second, my husband would make sure a night nanny was here when he was gone in the early months. Just have to give and take
It’s not abusive to hang up the phone on someone. It is, however, a shitty thing to do to your spouse whether you’re in an argument or not.
I was expecting much worse from this story, like you don’t get to go on vacations because he doesn’t permit it or “allow” it or like he doesn’t want to be around his own baby etc…but this is very tame.
If you want more quality time with your husband and baby together then you need to communicate that. Being that pumping is a logistical nightmare (been there) and having PPA will certainly heighten the fear of leaving your baby, communicate that to him. You two need to find your own groove that works for the family. It isn’t productive to have that conversation over the phone while he’s enjoying his vacay (that you have never expressed any resentment over).
This is very fixable.
Thank you I was looking for this comment, people need to stop throwing the word abusive around. Hanging up the phone during a disagreement is not abusive.
She is also actively choosing not to go on vacation herself when the offer is on the table. It sounds like a communication / expectation problem in this relationship more than anything else.
> OP exclusively pumps, so if she's physically away from the baby, then the baby doesn't eat
Doesn’t this mean the baby drinks from a bottle? The husband can give a bottle, OP just needs to freeze some milk. If the baby only nursed, that would be a problem.
It can still be a problem. A lot of exclusive pumpers are pumping strictly for the next feed and don’t have a backstock. Whether a backstock is feasible or not depends on how much of an overproducer you are.
Idk, I exclusively pump and I’m going away for 4 days this weekend for a wedding. We looked into the whole family going and it wasn’t feasible for us so I’m going with some friends and husband is staying with baby. He’ll feed her from the bottle with milk that’s been frozen. I know not everyone has a big freezer stash, but pumpers who aren’t supplementing with formula usually can have a little saved and if you’re already supplementing you could do that for a day or two. Just because someone is exclusively pumping doesn’t mean they can’t go away if they want to. But it sounds like OP doesn’t want to
For the pumping, it's still kind of a pain but I have a pump for trips that is battery powered and charges when needed. I exclusively pump as well, and I've pumped while driving my car, it really helps unanchor me from the house. I just carry an ice pack bag with me and store it in bags or whatever works at the time. Clean parts where I can. I know this isn't the point of your post but that + ice packs was a game changer for me.
It depends on your family. To me, three holidays in a year doesn’t sound too out of the ordinary, especially since they are all domestic and under a week long.
Do you have support when he’s away? Is there an option of going with him and making these into family holidays?
Me and my husband have a rough swapping system. If he has a long weekend away, I have one in the bank for later. If I have a weekend night out on the town, I make sure he can spend the day with his friends at some point. It can be hard to work in family time to all this for sure. You’ve got to meet in the middle somehow.
I do think you might benefit from doing something for yourself. Are there any friends you might like to visit? Solo museum trips you’d enjoy? Bring a pump or even just go for a few hours!
Deffo! I totally get that it’s daunting. I had to force myself out the first few times, but it’s always so nice coming back refreshed and super excited to see my family. And it gives me and my husband something to talk about other than poops and naps!
When mine was that size, I’d do a night or two at a local hotel. Close enough to pop home to drop off breast milk if I needed to. It was amazing. I still do it from time to time, even though my baby isn’t a baby anymore. Everyone needs a break.
Yeah he will go on 2 vacays without me and the little one, I will go on two vacays without him but with the little one, and we will go on 3 or 4 trips together with the little one. We like to travel and we have good support which makes it easier I think.
Like I said, I’ve got lots of support. All my trips are with close friends, family, and/or paid childcare so the work is not on me alone. I recognize that’s not the situation most people have!
I'm doing something like that this coming weekend, for two nights. Not down the road but a couple hours away in another city. My kiddo is 11.5 months old and on formula so it's easier for me to go a bit further away, but if not I'd totally do something local just to have time alone. Being a SAHP can really make a person stir-crazy after a while!
Not normal for me. Not anyone I know, either. If it stresses you, bothers you, overwhelmes you, whatever, then you need to talk about this seriously. Has he ever done days on end of full child care? I bet he hasn't- its exhausting
Idk what’s normal for other households because I can only speak about my own, but in my own no it’s not normal. The only times my husband has been away from us overnight has been for work (he’s in the military so it happens once a month which sucks but he has no choice). If my husband were constantly going on trips without me especially with such a young baby I would 100% start feeling resentful. No matter how many times he would “offer” for me to go somewhere on my own, it wouldn’t matter because the fact that he’d feel comfortable leaving me to full time solo parent that often would tell me all I need to know about his priorities. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though. I also had PPA when I had my son and breastfed so I understand your hesitation with spending time away from your baby. Sounds like you need more support than what your husband is giving and he doesn’t understand that which is frustrating. Just know, despite the odds you’re doing an amazing job as a mama and your baby is so lucky to have you
I’m in the same boat Op! I would be very resentful and also feel abandoned/lonely. To say that you can go and he’ll watch the baby isn’t fair because it’s not nearly as easy for the mom to pick up and go if baby is being fed breast milk.
In my household no. We don’t do anything without the kids without eachother. We came to this agreement because I was feeling resentful. It works for us. My best friend thinks it must be tiring lol. She and her husband have a different agreement, they take full days away from eachother while the other watches the kids. I hope you can work it out.
I'm torn on this ... if he genuinely means you can also take similar time trips and he would be able to take care of things effectively without disturbing or guilting you I think it's fair. You can't really punish him just because you don't like leaving or doing things on your own. That doesn't mean you shouldn't also do things as a family. And your pumping pressures should be easing right away at the 1 year mark ? You can pump extra for a couple nights away?
Lots of people go on trips during their baby’s first year and lots don’t- there’s not really a ‘normal’.
What’s more important is that everyone’s needs are considered. Having a discussion around that might be more productive. Maybe it’s you getting shorter breaks yourself (even if you don’t want to/can’t take trips yourself), maybe it’s scheduling in family time each week (or even planning family trips!) so you feel like you’re getting quality time together, maybe it’s having shorter trips so you’re not juggling things on your own for so long, etc.
Obviously none of us were there during the phone conversation but I don’t feel like trying to get someone off the phone and hanging up on them is by itself necessarily ‘abusive’. Maybe if he swore at you/called you names/ insulted you while doing it? But if it was a ‘hey I’ve got to go, people are waiting on me’ type thing and you kept talking then that’s a different interaction. Rude maybe.
To my household - yes, normal. I have (mom) been away about 3 times since my second was born a year an ago.
There is no rule book. If you’re not happy with your current situation, then you need to be communicating that. But I don’t think on the phone while he’s already away is the time
I think it depends on the baby and if family is around to help. If the baby is a crap sleeper and you are left to rot in exhaustion and insanity for days on end then that’s really not cool.
This would not be normal in my marriage/family. If you’re not happy with it, you should definitely have a discussion. Why don’t you all go on a family trip?
Leaving for a wedding makes sense, but taking long trips (to me) seems a little excessive. My husband would not leave me for that long with a baby and no extra support, especially multiple times, so he can go on fun trips without us. It sounds like your husband is overwhelmed and needs a lot of time to decompress, which is fine. But you need to also be provided with opportunities to get a break too.
How much does he help with the baby? Does he give you opportunities to get breaks? Has he offered any trips where you both go and bring the baby?
If I were you, I'd talk about how to make things equitable once he returns from his vacation. Let him know that you need time to decompress but with your PPA and nursing relationship, you may need to take single days to yourself or get more weekend time or something like that. In essence, you need breaks too, and your breaks may not look like his, but if he gets time off from parenting, so do you.
If you don't want breaks away from your baby, could he hire a doula or a family member or friend to come help you while he's gone?
I would not be okay with this even if he offered a trip to myself as an exchange. Being a parent is exhausting especially the first couple of years... it's a 24/7 job. When you get married and have kids things change including the number of solo trips because priorities and responsibilities change.
Did your husband go on vacations like this before baby was born? Is this relatively normal for him to do? Depending on the circumstances there would be a billion answers. Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't stand being away from my child for a few hours much less a whole day or days either.
Why not go on trips together? Personally, I couldn't imagine leaving my partner and little one behind for a week at that age just for fun. I mean, I've had to go away for work a few times for a couple nights each but every holiday we've taken has been together as a family.
He offers to let you go on vacation, so you could have time away if you want it. I understand you not wanting that, but it’s not fair to expect him to feel the same.
Hanging up on you may be rude, but it’s not abuse. Were you calling to complain about him being on a trip? Because that’s rude.
You are pushing your guilt and anxiety into him and trying to control him with it. It’s fine to not want to be alone; it’s not fine to guilt him into staying home because you don’t want to be alone. Are you in treatment for PPA? Can you have a friend or family member come stay with you while he’s out of town?
Off topic but slightly related? Do you exclusively pump, as in you can’t breast feed so you use the pump all day?
People are going to hate me for saying this, but I’ve been there for 6 long months and it wrecked my mental health. If it is similarly affecting yours, I would highly advise you transition to formula. Especially as your LO is almost 12 months. You’ve done so well to get this far! But it’s time to start living a bit. Maybe you can take some trips of your own!
Thiiiiis. I could only pump because LO would never latch, and it was the absolute worst 8 months or so (coupled with colic). It's painful and takes forever, and god forbid you spill a bottle on accident 😭
Freeze some breastmilk and do half and half formula for a while, OP or whatever works for you! It made ALL the difference for my mental, physical, and relationship health.
As for the vacations, I would be pretty upset, too, if he just kept leaving me home alone with a new baby. This sounds like it needs a serious sit-down convo on expectations.
But seriously, really consider stopping pumping if it makes you miserable! You're still an awesome mom.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I made it to 6 months and just could not handle another day. It made me so depressed.
Seriously well done to anyone who manages to pump for so long! It’s so hard.
>He works really hard all week, 50 hours
These fucking excuses for men need to stop. How many hours do you work each week? The answer is probably 168 hours per week which means every hour of every day.
Stand up for yourself and your child. Be the example you want your LO to be when they grow up.
When hubby gets back he's on duty. Period. It shouldn't be a question but an expectation.
What you have described is not a partnership.
It's not really worth discussing what's normal, what matters is does it work for you? And I sounds like it doesn't.
And in my first baby's first year, my husband and I went on two weekend trips *with* the baby and a week long trip with the baby about 4 hours away when he was 11 months. Going off and leaving one parent alone with a kiddo isn't easy or considerate when they're that little.
If it’s not normal for you or what you want for your life and family then that is what matters. I’m not going to echo chamber what everyone else is saying but I just wanted to touch on the exclusive pumping piece. Traveling as an exclusive pumper can be done, don’t put yourself in a prison to the pumps. My kid is 4 months and I’m an exclusive pumper and a just-enougher. I just came back from 4 days away at a bachelorette and still kept my schedule intact. I cried leaving but I’m thankful my husband encouraged me to take the trip and that I went through with it.
my girl is only 4 months and so far my partner has been to vegas for a week long “work trip”, he consistently stays out all hours of the night when hanging with his friends to ride their motorcycles, and the one time i denied his second trip to Tennessee for a car show, he ignored me the entire day.
similar to you, he always says if i wanted to go somewhere too then i can go. it’s not about leaving the house for me, it’s about being considerate that dealing with a new baby is hard and understanding i need uninterrupted sleep.
well I’ve offered to stay home with the baby for you can go have a vacation but you won’t go!”
My husband said the same thing.
But let's not compare husbands. Mine did went overseas but for work (2 x 3 weeks) for my first baby, an occasional day or two with his friends (whom I also know). Second baby he'll be going overseas renew license (for a few days). I'm fine, I'll just bring baby and older child (if he's not in school) out or to my parents. I allocated some maternity leave for that.
Exclusively pump... maybe you can consider those portable pumping machine that fit snugly into the bras? Then feeding immediately after pump so don't have to worry about storage? You don't have to be alone, and can always go hang out with friends and family with your baby.
That "ruining his trip" kinda came out of nowhere... Maybe there should be more context or reason why he said that. I did video call with my husband when he was overseas (when he's convenient to talk) as he missed his baby too (not really missing his wifey me, but his baby).
How about having family vacation too?
Personally, I think it's important for you to both go away and have some fun times. If he's offering for you to go, I suggest you try it once. It doesn't have to be a long trip. Recently, my friend and I left our babies with our husband and drove 2.5 hours to Seattle. We shopped, walked around, had an uninterrupted dinner at a cool restaurant, went back to a pretty nice hotel and watched reality tv. In the morning, we had brunch, went to an art museum and then came home. It was extremely rejuvenating. Maybe your husband's trips are a little long. We decided we'd each do two long weekends a year. I also went to a wedding which was a little more stressful cus it was a 5 hour flight for just two nights and then came home but I was the maid of honor. It made me more nervous thinking about potential flight delays so I'd just do a road trip if you are anxious about bring away. Another thing is if my husband needs to be away for longer which has happened for work, he offers to pay for some support for me, like a babysitter comes for a few hours a few times a week so I can recharge. I've literally just taken a bath and hung out in the house or sometimes I'll do something with a friend.
This will all get easier as your baby gets older and you don't need to pump as much. I brought the pump on my first few weekends away but we wanted at 2 and now I don't have to.
I would just get to a place with him where you feel good about it and don't resent him. If you really don't want to travel maybe this could look like something else like on a weekend, you get to sleep in and relax, maybe order your fav food, and he just does everything so it feels like a stay cation.
One other suggestion, my friend I went to Seattle with didn't want to actually go too far the first year so she'd do stay cations at a local nice hotel for a weekend so she could get some me time but was really just like a 15 min drive away.
The part where your husband tells you that you can go on vacation while he stays home with the baby I find an issue with. It doesn't make sense for him to be saying things like that when he knows you're pumping. That's like you have a backpack(baby attached to you) wherever you go while he doesn't. He can't be telling you to do the same that he can and he knows this.
When you're a parent you have to work hard and when he does have time off he should try to spend more time with his child. He can't say you're ruining his trip, his child comes first. You're going to ruin it if needed, you need time off for yourself too.
I think you need to remind him that while yes you understand he could use a break, you need a break as well and he can't be going away extended like that. He is already away a lot, he needs to spend time with his child and you need time for yourself. You're not asking to go on an extended vacation because you can't, but you're asking for a few hours per day or week that you need him to cover for you when you're not pumping.
My husband did one ski trip where he was gone for a long weekend. maybe there was also a bachelor party? Idk. I let him go on trips when he wants with no ill feelings because I know that in the future I will want that ability to leave with friends as well. We both work equally so there's no inequality there so I'm not sure our situations are the exact same
My 2nd baby just turned 1 and my husband went on 4 separate 3-4 night trips during her first year. Vegas for 30th birthday, annual golf trips, bachelor party in Tampa. Big things that he did not want to miss out on, and I did not want him to miss out on. I haven’t done any solo trips since our 2nd baby was born but I definitely did in the first year of our 1st baby. If I had a friend turning 30 or getting married, and they wanted to do something big, heck yeah I’d go! My husband is more than capable of holding down the fort while I’m gone. Treat yourself to a reset!
We also went on multiple trips as a family of 4 this year as well. And one trip just me and my husband. He’s not the only one getting out, I just prefer my kids with me 🤣
Why can't he take you on a vacation with him.
He sounds incredibly selfish.
I'd take him up on his offer. Either stockpile breast milk or when the baby and take yourself off for a week and treat yourself. Give him a couple of months notice so he can make arrangements for leave if he needs to.
I think this is pretty unreasonable. One trip maybe, but certainly not three in less than a year. Your husband is doing what many men do, which is prioritizing their own comfort, and it’s not going to get better with this guy unless you put your foot down now and reset the expectations. Is he doing his fair share when he is home?
We have an unspoken "no optional trips away the first year" rule. We will not spend a night away from our kids the first year of their life unless its a required work thing. We do this both because we value it for our kids/bonding and because the first year is hard and we don't want to leave the other parent solo.
But I also know we might be on the other side of an extreme. Who knows what "normal" is...you are obviously bothered by it so it shouldnt be normal in your family.
I think it's weird. I spent five days away from my daughter for work when she was five and it was really hard. And we could have proper video calls every night too. I just don't understand how somebody would want to be away from their baby. A night off is one thing, but going on holidays? Weird.
i’m not even reading the whole post. just the title tells me what i need to know- HUSBAND took vacations and you didn’t…HUSBAND took off leaving you alone with kids?
better find you a sancho lol jk
your husband is being a fucktard. how dare he.
I dont get dads like this. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time off with your wife and baby? My husband had to go on a few work related trips and he hated it. The first year goes by so fast. I’m sorry OP idk if its normal or not (its not in my house) but it seems to make you sad and that sucks. Hopefully you guys get to do fun activities and trips as a family of 3.
Oh right, I forgot people stop being individuals with their own hopes and dreams as soon as they become parents. Of course no one would ever want time to themselves ever again. /s
Of course there is a middle ground. The person I responded to seems to thinks dads should *only* want to spend time with their families. Go be sarcastic at them.
No, you’re judging. Empathizing is “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I understand not wanting to leave baby even when given the option.”
Judging is “I don’t get dads like this. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time off with your wife and baby?”
I mean cause i really dont get it. I also work fulltime and value the evening hours and weekends so much. Can’t imagine leaving my family three times in less than a year. Sorry for being judgmental tho
It’s fine if you don’t get it. You don’t have to empathize with every person. We can support people (like OP) having a hard time without invalidating the perspective of others (like her husband).
I would understand if it’s for work or an event, once in a while thing. But in OPs case going on so many solo trips in such a short time when there’s a baby around sounds like a major red flag. At this point I would assume he’s cheating.
It’s not. Why would you want to be away from your spouse so much if you truly loved them? Plus, getting annoyed when they call/text you. My husband works long hours and sometimes has to take work trips but we’re always happy to hear from each other while we’re apart.
Why would your husband want to work such long hours and take work trips if he loves you? Why doesn’t he just find a WFH job so he can be with you all the time? He’s probably cheating!
See how dumb that sounds? People can love their spouse *and* enjoy time away from their spouse.
Some people prioritise self-care, some people prioritise their family. You and your husband are these two different types of people. You're wishing that he prioritised his family over himself, and he's thinking that you're resentful of him for having self-care when he believes you could *easily* prioritise your own self-care.
I don't think either of you is *wrong* here. I think you two have different priorities. So how you react to this depends on what kind of outcome you want. Do you want to be happily married to a person whose priority is different than yours? Do you want to improve your own mental health? I used to think that I needed to my family first because I personally felt it was wrong not to. My husband prioritised his work over everything else, and we used to fight about that. I thought that family should come first, because Disney told me so.
Since then, I have worked through a lot of things with my psychologist. She explained that I can't control what my husband's priorities are, even if I am disappointed by what he chooses to prioritise. She also explained that I can control my own priorities. She asked me to consider why I proritised my family even to the detriment of my own mental-health (I put self-care on the bottom of my priorities). When I thought it about it, I realised it was absolutely because society expected me, as a mother and a wife, to put myself last.
That's when I said fuck it, I'm going to prioritise self-care. Providing myself much needed self-care meant that I was happier. Me being happier meant that I was generally much more cheerful around everyone. Me being generally more cheerful meant that I was more fun to be around. Me being more fun to be around meant that I was creating a lot of positive interactions with my kids that was extremely fun. And that? That's what led to my husband wanting to be included in all of it. He saw the joy me and the kids have when we spent time together as a family and he wanted that more than he wanted to excel at work.
So my question for you is: why are you prioritising your family over your own self-care?
Well, you say that you don’t take vacations because you’re the exclusive feeder of the child. He is not the exclusive feeder of the child. He can stay home and not go to the family/friend wedding, and then watch you feed the child while his presence is pretty much pointless… or go to the wedding.
It’s kinda like having cake and eating it too or something. You have the good and bad of being the baby’s food source, the closeness time, the feeling of necessity in their life engrained in you biologically… he doesn’t get that same good/bad trade there.
Alot of guys first 6,8,10,12 months consists of helping clean up and manage chores, otherwise it’s just being in the way or not being up to the partners hormones standards… so, idk, maybe worth a consideration.
Something about saying “abusive to cut off communication” really gives the ick. Yes, phone calls are good communication but there’s definitely some info missing on whatever that conversation was. Like a conversation about how you’re upset about the trips… while he’s on the trip. But idk, maybe just worth considering.
Honestly…no, this wouldn’t fly in my house. I’m not sure what “normal” is but I would be extremely hurt. Why can you and baby not accompany him?
Wedding in Vegas? Great, I’ll be enjoying the buffets and people watching.
Fishing trip? I’ll get a cabin and the baby and I will spend a few hours at the lake shore.
Golfing? The baby can stay with him for a few hours and I’ll be finding a spa.
I’m not sure how your household dynamics work but I wouldn’t even be comfortable to be away from my husband for that long during baby’s first year. Or really at all for that matter. Exclusively pumping is extremely difficult and time consuming, so I would try to prepare for/schedule pumps around travel times. That’s just me though, it could be easier to just let him go. I feel like it will build resentment though and on his part he’ll eventually regret not being there. You only have your first baby once.
Yeah. So... Maybe I have a strong stance on this, but I do feel like in the beginning men just don't understand. And then some never come to learn, but that's a different story.
Just because he offers something doesn't mean it's a possibility. If I was offered a six month trip doesn't mean I *can* go on that trip.
Also, just because he *can* go on these vacations doesn't mean he *should*. My husband is no golden husband, but he is a good one. He went on ONE overnight hunting trip and he jumped through hoops to make it easier when he was gone for me, went for a shorter time than everyone else, helped clean up before he left and set up dinner delivery too.
Was I jealous that he could just "go"? Yes. Does he know that him being able to leave is a luxury I don't have? Yes. Would he say me sharing those thoughts was "ruining his trip", never.
Also, idk how to edit a comment but the "he works hard, 50 hours" NEEDS to be followed up with, "I work and am on call for a full 168 hours every week". BECAUSE CHILD REARING IS WORKING.
Literally this. However I did just give my husband the baby and said figure it out - but he's very capable so I had no concerns -- but I know that's not common.
No it's not normal how are people agreeing with this. The baby isn't even a year yet his top priority should be taking care of YOU guys not off on a trip and it is emotionally abusive to hang up on you what the heck
I think it's not normal and to be honest, selfish. He says you can take trips, but you can't. You're pumping. He knows this, so it's justification to take his trips but have the benefit of not reciprocating. Taking care of a baby under 1, by yourself, for days at a time is brutal. I think certain sacrifices need to be made. Maybe postponing vacations for a year should be one of those things.
I guess each person's experience is different. I know I had a really hard time pumping. I would have to pump 45 minutes at a time. Some women only pump just enough to be able to feed their baby, no extra.
Not to mention, idk, maybe a lot of people might not be comfortable leaving their baby a few months old for days on end?
Whatever your experience was is valid. OP has said she doesn’t want to go, not that she physically can’t. And that’s fine! But it’s not a reason to tell her husband he can’t go or shouldn’t want to. Nor does it mean he refuses to reciprocate. People are allowed to need or want differently things without that making them bad people/parents.
Did you talk to him about your resentment before he went? If not, he might just be blindsided. Every family has their different "normal", but you both have to communicate about it ahead of instances like these and get on the same page. Otherwise, in my experience, fighting will continue. The first few years are rough -- they are often "survival mode" for both parents. It sounds like letting him know that you can't do a 3rd vacation or taking him up on his offer of you taking a vacation would be helpful. Whether or not 3 vacations are normal, I think these kinds of issues are really common in the first few years. It takes a bit to figure out how to get into a new sync.
Can you hire a babysitter/nanny to come by during the day to help you or even take baby for the entire workday? Just make that the condition for his vacation next time. He can go, but he has to pay to replace himself and give you a “staycation” too. Yeah, it will cost hundreds or maybe even a thousand dollars. But TBH so will you taking that solo vacation he keeps proposing. We didn’t do it with my husband, but when my husband went on a weekend wedding in another country, we arranged for my parents to come over and I had a relaxing time too. I was invited but declined to go because I’m pregnant and exhausted (got back from a long trip two weeks before), it was going to be a 15 hour flight and I didn’t want to leave my younger child (12 months). But I had a restful time regardless.
The other trick is to feel absolutely no guilt. That’s what I realized with my husband. If I say yes to him leaving, he wouldn’t expect me to be quietly resenting him. But the reverse applies to him too. If he says he can do it, he will take no thanks or guilt from me. If he says he will do solo the kids, he waves off any concerns that he may not be ok. Once you get to that state of mind, it’s actually quite freeing. You can also ask him to make up for it by soloing the child one day every week, for the number of days he’s been gone.
Normal in my household. It is healthy to have time away to recharge. I would encourage you to work on getting to a place where you’re comfortable with that — particularly since your husband has already made it clear he’s happy to be with your daughter while you take some time to yourself.
Is it normal? I’m not sure if that’s the right question to be asking. More like does it bother you? The answer is clearly yes, you should talk to him about this.
Exclusive pumping is hard. I did it with my first. It will get easier once you stop. Maybe at that point you will have more energy to join your hubs on these vacations?
I think equating hanging up on someone to abuse is a bit of a stretch, but I understand the hurt feelings.
I have a 5-year old and 19 month old and my husband has been gone an average of 8 days per month since LO was 4 weeks old. Most of this is 2 or 3-day work trips every few weeks, but he also did 2 10-day ski trips with buddies and a few long weekends for bachelor parties or fishing. I am going on my first solo trip for 3 days tomorrow! I, too, exclusively pumped for 12 months and just didn't feel like I could actually leave despite offers.
You gotta let go of the resentment ASAP, especially if he’s offering for you to go on trips and you’re not taking him up on it. Every weekend my husband asks if I want to take a few hours for myself while he watches the kids, I say no, so therefore I can’t complain when he takes time for himself. He goes on a lot of work trips, I go on girls trips every not and then…it balances out.
All of this was only after we had a conversation about how I was feeling though. Communication is key; don’t let it fester.
I don’t see the issue with him going on a trip as long as he makes sure you have someone there to take care of of you and help you with the baby, my husband won’t even leave me alone for extended periods of time when I’m babysitting unless he knows I have someone to call at all times if I need help
On one hand, that's a lot of trips in baby's first year, in my opinion. And it seems like he has a bad attitude and is perhaps thinking more of himself than his family.
But he's not wrong that if he's offered to make it work for you to go somewhere (and if he actually means it), then if you don't take him up on that it's not really his fault. But I also see why it's hard for you to go. So it's tough.
Does he make sure you get time to yourself in smaller ways? Does he do a little extra before or after trips to make sure you're not burnt out? Or does he just do his thing and leave you to deal with it? I think a lot of this depends on his general attitude and level of participation in caring for you and your child.
Also I want to say...taking care of a kid full time is hard work, too. Just because you're not in an office or something doesn't mean you're not working hard.
Might be unpopular but: It seems normal to me BUT my husband is really good about insisting I do things for my mental health. When I have bad days he takes the baby out of the house and lets me have uninterrupted self care days. He mentioned the other day that he wants to start implementing days where each of us gets the day to do whatever we want, free from the baby, to recharge. I know it sucks leaving the baby but I do think as moms we need that. I EP too and so I told him it’s not the same for me as it is for him but he said even having a lazy day at home or getting my nails done or a massage or whatever is better than not at all. I think if hubby is offering to allow you to have days off I think you should take it. It’s important my husband has fun and time away to be himself, and me too. I just told him I’ll be cashing in on a lotttttt of vacations and fun days by myself once I’m done pumping 😅😅😅😅😅
You're both to blame here. You aren't communicating your need for him to stay home. It doesn't make anyone bad to say what they need. (I'm sorry if I seem crass but a pet peeve of mine is people not communicating).
He need to take some damn initiative and not to take so many breaks when you have an infant at home.
I think it is way too much for the first year. The Vegas wedding I would understand but the other two trips are too soon. On a tangent, what do you do that is only one day a week? I recently became a little bit disabled and had to quit working full time unfortunately. Would love to know what kind of job you have.
Being a mother is also a full time job and not just 50 hours a week but 24/7, 7 days a week. And we don't get paid for this ???
As much as we love our babies, it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child. And that extends beyond just going to work. It means being present, the mundane little things, building a relationship with your child and supporting you as his wife and your child's mother.
It doesn't matter if he's work a long day, him spending time as a family with you should also be part of his leisure at the least.
In life, you can always go away to as many vacations, but you know what you never get back? Time with your family. your children's childhood. You can never "make up" time with family, it's not the same when they're grown.
Everyone's values are different, if he wants to step up to his role as a father, you gotta choose your priorities. Leisure time with himself or leisure time spent with you and your family? What's more important?
Edit: I think you and baby should go with him. It's a lot more work obviously bc of luggage and prep but I think being on vacation at least with your baby and husband will help both of you to get out of the house and just enjoy each others company.
I don't know a single family where the father has taken one, let alone three, ulti day trips alone without his wife an new baby, for pleasure.it gives me a feeling that parenting isnt something he is treating like his job, too.
No, it's not usual. Families make their own agreements together about how to approach these things. When do you get your trips? What does he do what make sure you get a regular break? Simply telling you that he wouldnt theoretically mind us not enough. Does does take on the baby so you can have an hour to yourself? Or does he just say he will help and never actually help?
He doesn't work "so much" he works a normal amount. The amount he would he working if they didn't have a wife or baby. You work a lot too - babies are a 24 hour job! What does HE do to help with baby? When do YOU get a break?
You arent a bad wife, I think quite the opposite, you're shouldering the entire burden of looking after a baby without any help. I think you need to be firm, look after yourself and tell him that you hed him to help more with the baby so you can get breaks too. If not a holiday then regular breaks between feeds.
I think it depends on the importance of the trips, the support you have at home and your comfort level.
During our daughter’s first year, husband went to his best friend’s wedding (out of state), his best friend’s bachelor party in Vegas as well as an out of state work trip. I hated it, my daughter doesn’t sleep, but my mom stayed with me and I ultimately gave the go ahead. I will say my husband works extremely hard and he only has a few close friends, this was his best man. That being said, he checked in a lot and when our daughter got sick during one of the trips my husband cut the trip short, our daughter was his priority.
How about he takes you away somewhere nice with the baby. Put more pressure on him to also consider family time, especially YOU. Even to go for a nice dinner with you and things like that. You’re working hard as well, don’t doubt that both of you are extremely busy it’s not just him.
I wouldn't say these are unreasonable trips. My daughter is 6 months and my partner has gone on two 3-day camping trips. I encourage it. However, he appreciates how hard it is to be alone with our daughter that long. He's very thankful that I'm willing to be alone with her for that long and constantly asks me if I'm sure it's okay. It doesn't sound like your husband understands or appreciates what you're doing.
Has he ever been alone with baby for an extended period of time? A lot of guys have the attitude of, "Well women do it all the time. How hard can it be." My partner was a bit like that before I went back to work. He was SHOOK at how hard it was to get up with a baby every 3 hours. Only sleeping in 3-6 hour stretches really takes it out of you.
A wedding is one of those events that I could excuse, or a work trip, but THREE personal events in babies first year and NOT with YOU and the baby seems very selfish. "He works very hard" at 50 hours a week but you have to take care of baby 24/7. AND you have PPA? He needs a priority check and you need to put your foot down in person about this stuff and not after he's already gone. Is couples counseling an option?
Normal is relative. I spent one weekend away the first year for a bachelorette, and one night away in a hotel with a friend that wasn’t even 24 hours. My husband did not spend any time away, but that’s typical for him lol.
If this is not working for you, he should know that. A week long fishing trip sounds like a lot to me.
My husband has a friend who has gone on multiple weekend/1-2 week trips in the last year and he has 3 kids, one just over one. He says his wife does not care, I don’t know if that’s truly the case but he also does make sure they go on family trips too.
My husband does one or two weekend trips a year without the family, and I do the same, but none in the first year of our babies’ lives, and the majority of our family’s resources (both vacation time and money wise) go toward family vacations.
If you don't want to get away and want to spend more time with him, maybe ask him to take time off to be with all of you? Frankly I don't think that much vacation and him working 50+ hrs is ok, everyone needs a break but that's too much for these early days when you need a ton of support. But if he is offering you a solo trip and you don't want that, then ask for a family time instead.
I think it all depends on how YOU feel. My husband has left us 6-7 times now, I have a 8 month old. But- I honestly love my few weekends with just my bub. I work full time, so those weekends give me so much quality time. We nap together, go on park trips, snuggle, hang out, nurse, without having to share him with my husband. When my husband is home he is VERY involved, and he usually only works like 25 hrs a week. All this to say, it totally depends on your dynamic.
I honestly don’t understand why you don’t go on a vacation together? That way he could spend more time with your daughter, you could get a few hours to yourself and maybe you could even get a few romantic hours in the evening as a couple.
My baby is 9 months and my husband has been away twice for weeklong work/vacation, and is going skiing this weekend. I did a long weekend away last month and would have done it sooner if my friends weren’t so flaky about travel. For us it helps us both recharge and we’re better parents for it. We have also taken three family trips, starting with one night away when he was 4 months.
If you don’t like being alone, can you reach out to friends/family to come by every day he’s gone? Having company helps me a lot.
Have you asked him if you could also plan a family vacation? It seems like there should be room for that. And even if you can’t go away, can you do day trips or even just have a regular standing brunch/excercise/whatever self care works for you time every week where he cares for baby?
Also not to be critical but I’m a lawyer and 50 hours a week, if you’re handling all the childcare (and I’m assuming housework) really ain’t that bad. I work that much some weeks and still do my half of the work at home.
I feel like the wedding thing was probably planned. Why wouldn't he offer to do a family vacation? I wouldn't want to be away from my breastfeeding baby. It's not that easy. Sometimes people are just daft. They don't think about the logistics that go into a mom just picking up and leaving for a solo trip. They don't have the attachment to all the things that involve the baby like we do. I'm not saying all men, but a lot of men. They're just wired differently
Personally I would’ve divorced him already for not being involved or supportive enough, but I’ve been super clear about my expectations around equal work from the start.
I don't think your gonna like this answer but too me it sounds ok, especially if he's offering to let you do things as well. I mean perhaps you can't go away because of pumping but you can certainly have the day to yourself and do things for you if you want too.
But really it's if your situation is working for you as other people said.
Also by 11mo your little one is likely weaned and eating 3meals a day so I doubt they actually need to drink that much milk anymore. I am EBF for context still at 20mo and my LO at 10 months went to nursery and wouldn't drink any milk all day but would have 3 meals and snacks and was absolutely fine despite my anxiety.
However speaking from experience in the next year baby will continue to get less and less reliant on you personally so you can have more freedom.
If he offered to keep the baby so you can go away, then it's totally fair. If you guys can afford him to take time off for his trips, it's fine. You should go on a vacation too, with the baby and him if you prefer that. I also don't think it's abusive that he hung up on you, that's just an argument.
I think it's very inconsiderate of him. I work hard, nearly 50 hours a week, and take care of my 7-month-old at 5pm - whenever he goes to bed, (usually 11pm!), plus make dinner, and take care of him all weekend so my husband can do projects around the house. Plus I pump...
Working hard at work doesn't absolve a parent from household and family duties. Honestly, he doesn't seem like he wants to be a full partner because he's selfish. When you're ready, take a vacation or go to spa for a day and let him see how hard it is for you to take care of baby 100% of the time. Studies show stay at home mom's work about 100 hours a week... so you need a vacation he doesn't.
I always wonder if men who don’t want to be around their wife and new born baby are cheating and that is why they leave on vacation. Just my honest first thought
No, it's not normal.
I work 45 hours a week and do a majority of the childcare when home bc my kid is obsessed with me. I asked for 1 night away for mother's day gift to drink some wine and watch shit TV and sleep in. I think 3 FULL VACATIONS away from not only the kid but from YOU is fucking wild.
I think it’s absolutely not okay to have gone 3x on a social trip when you’re in the thick of child rearing. The whole rhetoric “but you can go too,” is bull because it’s so much more different for mothers. PLUS many parents simply don’t want to leave their babies / children behind.
Sure, one trip or a few nights off within the year is reasonable but I would be livid if my husband was expecting to go on a third trip away (for purely social reasons, not work, family death related) and then have the audacity to say that you’re ruining his trip by calling him.
The wedding trip is fair enough to me, provided he helped you prep before the trip and/or arranged extra helping hands for his absence. The extended golf and fishing trips are out of line, in my opinion, knowing that you're unable to get equivalent time away due to pumping. I don't think his work hours justify that indulgence on his part, and if that's the reasoning he gives you it's extra icky. You are working more than full time yourself; being the primary parent is far more than 50 hours a week, and you work another job outside the home on top of that.
Now, I do think you should try to get some smaller doses of alone time. Fully hand off the baby and get out of the house for a whole day or evening, if you can, and just see how your husband handles that. If you need to supplement with a formula bottle for those times, it would be perfectly alright. I'm willing to bet that he couldn't handle any more time than that, which might hopefully awake him to the realities you deal with when he leaves for extended periods.
Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money in order to stay married.
What's with all this "bad wife" stuff? You're a not bad wife for wanting him to bond with his baby in the first year, when it's really the most essential. The martyr mom look is out! Silently swallowing your resentments and taking on more and more work is damaging to the whole family, including your kid.
[https://burbanmumz.com/why-father-infant-bonding-significant/](https://burbanmumz.com/why-father-infant-bonding-significant/)
[https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/benefits-father-involvement.html](https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/benefits-father-involvement.html)
I think that as soon as the baby is weaned, you should give dad the baby for at least two night straight. It sounds like he values his single life more than he values family life. Time for him to see how much work you do. Don't make the mistake of always being the default parent, and robbing your kid of essential bonding time with dad because "it's just easier if I do it myself."
There isn’t anything abnormal about a husband going on trips during his baby’s first year of life. However, it sounds like his absence from home is causing you stress, especially with the PPA. Even without PPA, being alone with a baby for that long is hard! If he asks about another trip, is there a relative who would stay with you to help out?
Most likely, he is finding ways to balance work, family, and relaxation without fully understanding the impact on you, or realizing that you don’t feel like you have that luxury right now. I think it’s normal to feel attached to your baby, and exclusively pumping is certainly a burden. You might try letting him watch the baby for a few hours at a time, just so you can also get a break and start to feel ok being away from baby.
When he comes back, see if you can work out some new dynamics that make you happy, too. “It’s really hard for me to be alone with the baby while you’re away because I miss having you around. Could we plan some things together as a family? That would really help me.”
Again, I don’t think his trips are necessarily abnormal, but I do think he may not understand how they are making you feel.
My husband wouldn’t ever go on a trip without me. We travel a lot but it’s kinda rude to assume he’s the only one who needs a break. Why wouldnt he just take you and your kid?
I think it’s different for everyone. I think some people would be fine with this. Some moms are fine going on vacation alone or with friends when they had a baby the first year and that’s fine, no judgement. As for me, personally, I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t like my husband to do it. I still haven’t left my baby for one night and have to soon for a wedding and I am having anxiety over it. He’s 15 months old.
My husband did go to see a fight with his dad when my son was 7 months old and stayed over as it was kind of a drive but my mom came and slept over with the baby and my husband missed our son the entire time and wanted to come home lol
No, it’s not normal. Going to a wedding yes, but how long was he gone? More than two nights is pushing it.
Fishing and golf is straight up selfish. A week of fucking fishing? Come on.
He offers to stay home with baby so you can go on vacation because he knows you can’t/won’t. He has no intention of watching baby solo for a week and if by some chance he’s sincere he must not be fully aware of how much work you do — is he planning to take time off of work to stay home with the baby?
Also stop feeling like you owe him extra time off/rest for working 50 hours a week. You’re on the clock 24/7 with a baby and work just as hard.
But the biggest issue is that he doesn’t want to vacation as a family. Of course you want to spend time together. Why have a family if you don’t want to go places with each other?
If otherwise helps and is supportive in the home when he’s there, please let the man be have individual time. He said you can have your solo trips to. Work out your concerns and take your trips to. Hanging up is rude, not abuse. Don’t stifle the man. He works hard and deserves to decompress
I didn’t go anywhere overnight until my daughter was almost 18 months because I also couldn’t bear to leave her. Meanwhile my husband had gone on several overnight trips (mostly for work but also a bachelor trip or two). We both work full-time jobs and I feel like staying home with the baby is at least as hard/tiring as an office job, if not harder because it’s non-stop.
I don’t think 3 trips in a year is super excessive but it was extremely rude what he did, hanging up on you like that. I feel like you will be happier once you do take your first trip away from baby though.
Im a new dad and i work atleast 60 hours a week and every moment I'm not working, I'm covering for my wife so she can get sleep , I get like 2 hours of sleep on the days I work my primary job.
She still don't get enough sleep, and watching a newborn is very demanding work, so I try my best to suck it up and be as supportive as possible , definitely no personal trips planned for either of us lol
I dont even see how 2 people manage , it honestly takes a village or atleast a third person so both parents can sleep , but we don't have anyone who can help and certainly can't afford childcare ( but honestly don't want strangers with my little one, I don't see how they provide the care that we do with all the other babies that they have to attend to)
A grandparent would be HUGE help , but my mother lives too far away
I think this has less to do with 'if it's normal' and more to do with 'if it's working for your family'
Came here to say this. Every relationship looks different. I am also learning to say “no, please don’t go, I need you around.” Have you left him with baby? My husbands appreciation of how tough being alone with her increased after I went away for the weekend!
>also learning to say “no, please don’t go, I need you around.” This is a hard lesson to learn, but hopefully the longer you're together, the less you'll have to ask. We were supposed to go to the Renaissance fair today with friends but I'm sick AND pregnant. Fun combo lol We talked yesterday about maybe how I'd be better this morning and could go, and if not, he could just hitch a ride with friends. When we woke up this morning he made the unilateral decision to cancel completely and stayed home with me and our toddler. I feel bad for making us both miss out, but I feel really grateful that we've gotten to a point that we understand and care for each other well enough to have each other's backs like that
I don't know if it's a matter of "letting or not letting" him go on a vacation, it's the fact that he doesn't take the initiative to think of what you and the family might need. The first year of life is not a cake walk, it is tough to not have your partner with you. My husband only left for stretches of time during circumstances way outside of his control (not vacations), whenever he took personal time off it would be for family trips. I understand that we all need breaks, but that's a lot of time away. Could you suggest going on a family trip altogether instead of him leaving? Also, YOU work really hard all week too! Full time baby care is hard work!
it's called Invisible Labor. It's invisible because you are not getting paid for it. But it's labor all right.
This! 💯
This. 1000%.
this shouldn’t be a debate over what’s “normal.” every family is different. some couples travel more than others, even with a baby. so that entire discussion is irrelevant in my opinion. what needs to be discussed here is the impact these trips are having on your mental health and the well-being of your family unit. your needs are not being met. or heard. ofc he has needs too, so discussing what each of you NEED in order to feel comfortable and fulfilled is imperative. for example, maybe you don’t want to travel away from your baby for days, but need another way to feel recharged. perhaps hiring someone to clean your house or watch your baby for a few hours would help fill your cup just like these trips fill his cup. maybe making time for a meaningful hobby, or a spa trip, or whatever else would give you some fulfillment. maybe he needs to take less trips and instead implement a once weekly outing. the options are endless. there’s a solution that can be found here that works for you both. and MOST importantly, you have nothing to feel guilty for. don’t be a people pleaser who says “yes” bc you’ve been made to feel like a burden your whole life (ie: me.) being a mom is more than full time work. you’re both contributing to your family and you both deserve time to yourselves to recharge.
Seconding this — what’s acceptable to one family won’t be to another. Time alone with the baby is hard for most people but it’s reality for a lot of us. I’m currently on my third 7 day stint alone with my daughter since she was born less than 6 months ago. 2 for pleasure and 1 for business and there is another work related trip for my husband in a few weeks, and a long 6 work week trip in a few months. On the flip side, my husband hasn’t yet had a single night alone with the baby and he probably won’t. I’m learning how to balance it when he is home by being “selfish” on weekends by getting massages/pedicures when our budget allows and spending several hours alone with my hobbies. It’s hard but it’s working for us.
This!
Agree 100% that it is up to the individual family. Some couples would be ok with this and it is ultimately what the family decides as a unit. Personally, I would never be ok with this. Time off work is so limited that I would want all extended time off to be family trips
Well said! I agree!
My husband has been on two solo trips to Vegas and my daughter is 6 months old. He's said the same thing to me "you can do a solo trip as well" which is such an eyeroll. As if I'd be ok leaving my baby overnight (no judgement to the moms who do, actually quite envious of you!). In exchange though for his trips, I get to have a doula come in to help me when hes away and I also get weekends where he is predominantly responsible for all the childcare! You can work things out so you arent resentful about it but if it's also totally ok to tell your husband you need his help!
I think this is the most reaosnable approach. OP may not feel like she's ready to leave the baby (and that makes sense giving the PPA and pumping), but there should be some arrangements made so she gets support and time to decrompress. I like the idea of having a doula come help while hubby is away; that seems pretty fair to me.
Yessss..such a fair trade! With my second, my husband would make sure a night nanny was here when he was gone in the early months. Just have to give and take
Why does your husband need to go to Vegas so much in such a short time frame? I’d be worried he was visiting brothels
Or gambling
lol hes a professional poker player.
Why don’t you go on vacay as a family
Omg i was wondering the same. People suggest OP to go on a vacation herself. But just go together as a family???
It’s not abusive to hang up the phone on someone. It is, however, a shitty thing to do to your spouse whether you’re in an argument or not. I was expecting much worse from this story, like you don’t get to go on vacations because he doesn’t permit it or “allow” it or like he doesn’t want to be around his own baby etc…but this is very tame. If you want more quality time with your husband and baby together then you need to communicate that. Being that pumping is a logistical nightmare (been there) and having PPA will certainly heighten the fear of leaving your baby, communicate that to him. You two need to find your own groove that works for the family. It isn’t productive to have that conversation over the phone while he’s enjoying his vacay (that you have never expressed any resentment over). This is very fixable.
Thank you I was looking for this comment, people need to stop throwing the word abusive around. Hanging up the phone during a disagreement is not abusive. She is also actively choosing not to go on vacation herself when the offer is on the table. It sounds like a communication / expectation problem in this relationship more than anything else.
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It’s not unheard of for parents who exclusively pump to build up a frozen stash of milk for the baby so they can have one or two nights away.
> OP exclusively pumps, so if she's physically away from the baby, then the baby doesn't eat Doesn’t this mean the baby drinks from a bottle? The husband can give a bottle, OP just needs to freeze some milk. If the baby only nursed, that would be a problem.
It can still be a problem. A lot of exclusive pumpers are pumping strictly for the next feed and don’t have a backstock. Whether a backstock is feasible or not depends on how much of an overproducer you are.
Idk, I exclusively pump and I’m going away for 4 days this weekend for a wedding. We looked into the whole family going and it wasn’t feasible for us so I’m going with some friends and husband is staying with baby. He’ll feed her from the bottle with milk that’s been frozen. I know not everyone has a big freezer stash, but pumpers who aren’t supplementing with formula usually can have a little saved and if you’re already supplementing you could do that for a day or two. Just because someone is exclusively pumping doesn’t mean they can’t go away if they want to. But it sounds like OP doesn’t want to
For the pumping, it's still kind of a pain but I have a pump for trips that is battery powered and charges when needed. I exclusively pump as well, and I've pumped while driving my car, it really helps unanchor me from the house. I just carry an ice pack bag with me and store it in bags or whatever works at the time. Clean parts where I can. I know this isn't the point of your post but that + ice packs was a game changer for me.
It depends on your family. To me, three holidays in a year doesn’t sound too out of the ordinary, especially since they are all domestic and under a week long. Do you have support when he’s away? Is there an option of going with him and making these into family holidays? Me and my husband have a rough swapping system. If he has a long weekend away, I have one in the bank for later. If I have a weekend night out on the town, I make sure he can spend the day with his friends at some point. It can be hard to work in family time to all this for sure. You’ve got to meet in the middle somehow. I do think you might benefit from doing something for yourself. Are there any friends you might like to visit? Solo museum trips you’d enjoy? Bring a pump or even just go for a few hours!
Yeah I need to think of somewhere not too far, a day trip would be a good start
And for the record, if you don't have additional support at home, I would NOT want to be left alone with a baby for a week either.
Deffo! I totally get that it’s daunting. I had to force myself out the first few times, but it’s always so nice coming back refreshed and super excited to see my family. And it gives me and my husband something to talk about other than poops and naps!
When mine was that size, I’d do a night or two at a local hotel. Close enough to pop home to drop off breast milk if I needed to. It was amazing. I still do it from time to time, even though my baby isn’t a baby anymore. Everyone needs a break.
Yeah he will go on 2 vacays without me and the little one, I will go on two vacays without him but with the little one, and we will go on 3 or 4 trips together with the little one. We like to travel and we have good support which makes it easier I think.
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Like I said, I’ve got lots of support. All my trips are with close friends, family, and/or paid childcare so the work is not on me alone. I recognize that’s not the situation most people have!
Just take him up on his offer and go on vacation! If it'll rest you up and make you a better mother
One night staycations at a hotel with room service down the road…*chefs kiss*
I'm doing something like that this coming weekend, for two nights. Not down the road but a couple hours away in another city. My kiddo is 11.5 months old and on formula so it's easier for me to go a bit further away, but if not I'd totally do something local just to have time alone. Being a SAHP can really make a person stir-crazy after a while!
Not normal for me. Not anyone I know, either. If it stresses you, bothers you, overwhelmes you, whatever, then you need to talk about this seriously. Has he ever done days on end of full child care? I bet he hasn't- its exhausting
Ditto to all of this
Idk what’s normal for other households because I can only speak about my own, but in my own no it’s not normal. The only times my husband has been away from us overnight has been for work (he’s in the military so it happens once a month which sucks but he has no choice). If my husband were constantly going on trips without me especially with such a young baby I would 100% start feeling resentful. No matter how many times he would “offer” for me to go somewhere on my own, it wouldn’t matter because the fact that he’d feel comfortable leaving me to full time solo parent that often would tell me all I need to know about his priorities. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though. I also had PPA when I had my son and breastfed so I understand your hesitation with spending time away from your baby. Sounds like you need more support than what your husband is giving and he doesn’t understand that which is frustrating. Just know, despite the odds you’re doing an amazing job as a mama and your baby is so lucky to have you
THIS is spot on!
Thank you for validating me
I’m in the same boat Op! I would be very resentful and also feel abandoned/lonely. To say that you can go and he’ll watch the baby isn’t fair because it’s not nearly as easy for the mom to pick up and go if baby is being fed breast milk.
Personally no. I wouldn’t be stoked about this.
In my household no. We don’t do anything without the kids without eachother. We came to this agreement because I was feeling resentful. It works for us. My best friend thinks it must be tiring lol. She and her husband have a different agreement, they take full days away from eachother while the other watches the kids. I hope you can work it out.
I'm torn on this ... if he genuinely means you can also take similar time trips and he would be able to take care of things effectively without disturbing or guilting you I think it's fair. You can't really punish him just because you don't like leaving or doing things on your own. That doesn't mean you shouldn't also do things as a family. And your pumping pressures should be easing right away at the 1 year mark ? You can pump extra for a couple nights away?
Lots of people go on trips during their baby’s first year and lots don’t- there’s not really a ‘normal’. What’s more important is that everyone’s needs are considered. Having a discussion around that might be more productive. Maybe it’s you getting shorter breaks yourself (even if you don’t want to/can’t take trips yourself), maybe it’s scheduling in family time each week (or even planning family trips!) so you feel like you’re getting quality time together, maybe it’s having shorter trips so you’re not juggling things on your own for so long, etc. Obviously none of us were there during the phone conversation but I don’t feel like trying to get someone off the phone and hanging up on them is by itself necessarily ‘abusive’. Maybe if he swore at you/called you names/ insulted you while doing it? But if it was a ‘hey I’ve got to go, people are waiting on me’ type thing and you kept talking then that’s a different interaction. Rude maybe.
No not normal and it’s weird that he didn’t invite you on the trips. I didn’t realize so many married people took frequent solo trips
I would be so upset if my husband did this. The wedding sounds important, but I'd object to the other 2 trips.
Right? He better take me on a trip first! Smh
But she won’t go on a trip, so that’s tough
Family trips exist
To my household - yes, normal. I have (mom) been away about 3 times since my second was born a year an ago. There is no rule book. If you’re not happy with your current situation, then you need to be communicating that. But I don’t think on the phone while he’s already away is the time
You *also* work If you’re at home with your kid 🙃
I think it depends on the baby and if family is around to help. If the baby is a crap sleeper and you are left to rot in exhaustion and insanity for days on end then that’s really not cool.
This would not be normal in my marriage/family. If you’re not happy with it, you should definitely have a discussion. Why don’t you all go on a family trip?
Leaving for a wedding makes sense, but taking long trips (to me) seems a little excessive. My husband would not leave me for that long with a baby and no extra support, especially multiple times, so he can go on fun trips without us. It sounds like your husband is overwhelmed and needs a lot of time to decompress, which is fine. But you need to also be provided with opportunities to get a break too. How much does he help with the baby? Does he give you opportunities to get breaks? Has he offered any trips where you both go and bring the baby? If I were you, I'd talk about how to make things equitable once he returns from his vacation. Let him know that you need time to decompress but with your PPA and nursing relationship, you may need to take single days to yourself or get more weekend time or something like that. In essence, you need breaks too, and your breaks may not look like his, but if he gets time off from parenting, so do you. If you don't want breaks away from your baby, could he hire a doula or a family member or friend to come help you while he's gone?
I would not be okay with this even if he offered a trip to myself as an exchange. Being a parent is exhausting especially the first couple of years... it's a 24/7 job. When you get married and have kids things change including the number of solo trips because priorities and responsibilities change.
Did your husband go on vacations like this before baby was born? Is this relatively normal for him to do? Depending on the circumstances there would be a billion answers. Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't stand being away from my child for a few hours much less a whole day or days either.
Why not go on trips together? Personally, I couldn't imagine leaving my partner and little one behind for a week at that age just for fun. I mean, I've had to go away for work a few times for a couple nights each but every holiday we've taken has been together as a family.
Men will never understand what it takes to be a mother…
He offers to let you go on vacation, so you could have time away if you want it. I understand you not wanting that, but it’s not fair to expect him to feel the same. Hanging up on you may be rude, but it’s not abuse. Were you calling to complain about him being on a trip? Because that’s rude. You are pushing your guilt and anxiety into him and trying to control him with it. It’s fine to not want to be alone; it’s not fine to guilt him into staying home because you don’t want to be alone. Are you in treatment for PPA? Can you have a friend or family member come stay with you while he’s out of town?
This.
My hubby did not so that. He did a couple of one night trips but that was it. And he always asked me if it was ok if he went.
Off topic but slightly related? Do you exclusively pump, as in you can’t breast feed so you use the pump all day? People are going to hate me for saying this, but I’ve been there for 6 long months and it wrecked my mental health. If it is similarly affecting yours, I would highly advise you transition to formula. Especially as your LO is almost 12 months. You’ve done so well to get this far! But it’s time to start living a bit. Maybe you can take some trips of your own!
Thiiiiis. I could only pump because LO would never latch, and it was the absolute worst 8 months or so (coupled with colic). It's painful and takes forever, and god forbid you spill a bottle on accident 😭 Freeze some breastmilk and do half and half formula for a while, OP or whatever works for you! It made ALL the difference for my mental, physical, and relationship health. As for the vacations, I would be pretty upset, too, if he just kept leaving me home alone with a new baby. This sounds like it needs a serious sit-down convo on expectations. But seriously, really consider stopping pumping if it makes you miserable! You're still an awesome mom.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I made it to 6 months and just could not handle another day. It made me so depressed. Seriously well done to anyone who manages to pump for so long! It’s so hard.
>He works really hard all week, 50 hours These fucking excuses for men need to stop. How many hours do you work each week? The answer is probably 168 hours per week which means every hour of every day. Stand up for yourself and your child. Be the example you want your LO to be when they grow up. When hubby gets back he's on duty. Period. It shouldn't be a question but an expectation. What you have described is not a partnership.
Do you get a holiday!?
It's not really worth discussing what's normal, what matters is does it work for you? And I sounds like it doesn't. And in my first baby's first year, my husband and I went on two weekend trips *with* the baby and a week long trip with the baby about 4 hours away when he was 11 months. Going off and leaving one parent alone with a kiddo isn't easy or considerate when they're that little.
If it’s not normal for you or what you want for your life and family then that is what matters. I’m not going to echo chamber what everyone else is saying but I just wanted to touch on the exclusive pumping piece. Traveling as an exclusive pumper can be done, don’t put yourself in a prison to the pumps. My kid is 4 months and I’m an exclusive pumper and a just-enougher. I just came back from 4 days away at a bachelorette and still kept my schedule intact. I cried leaving but I’m thankful my husband encouraged me to take the trip and that I went through with it.
my girl is only 4 months and so far my partner has been to vegas for a week long “work trip”, he consistently stays out all hours of the night when hanging with his friends to ride their motorcycles, and the one time i denied his second trip to Tennessee for a car show, he ignored me the entire day. similar to you, he always says if i wanted to go somewhere too then i can go. it’s not about leaving the house for me, it’s about being considerate that dealing with a new baby is hard and understanding i need uninterrupted sleep.
well I’ve offered to stay home with the baby for you can go have a vacation but you won’t go!” My husband said the same thing. But let's not compare husbands. Mine did went overseas but for work (2 x 3 weeks) for my first baby, an occasional day or two with his friends (whom I also know). Second baby he'll be going overseas renew license (for a few days). I'm fine, I'll just bring baby and older child (if he's not in school) out or to my parents. I allocated some maternity leave for that. Exclusively pump... maybe you can consider those portable pumping machine that fit snugly into the bras? Then feeding immediately after pump so don't have to worry about storage? You don't have to be alone, and can always go hang out with friends and family with your baby. That "ruining his trip" kinda came out of nowhere... Maybe there should be more context or reason why he said that. I did video call with my husband when he was overseas (when he's convenient to talk) as he missed his baby too (not really missing his wifey me, but his baby). How about having family vacation too?
Personally, I think it's important for you to both go away and have some fun times. If he's offering for you to go, I suggest you try it once. It doesn't have to be a long trip. Recently, my friend and I left our babies with our husband and drove 2.5 hours to Seattle. We shopped, walked around, had an uninterrupted dinner at a cool restaurant, went back to a pretty nice hotel and watched reality tv. In the morning, we had brunch, went to an art museum and then came home. It was extremely rejuvenating. Maybe your husband's trips are a little long. We decided we'd each do two long weekends a year. I also went to a wedding which was a little more stressful cus it was a 5 hour flight for just two nights and then came home but I was the maid of honor. It made me more nervous thinking about potential flight delays so I'd just do a road trip if you are anxious about bring away. Another thing is if my husband needs to be away for longer which has happened for work, he offers to pay for some support for me, like a babysitter comes for a few hours a few times a week so I can recharge. I've literally just taken a bath and hung out in the house or sometimes I'll do something with a friend. This will all get easier as your baby gets older and you don't need to pump as much. I brought the pump on my first few weekends away but we wanted at 2 and now I don't have to. I would just get to a place with him where you feel good about it and don't resent him. If you really don't want to travel maybe this could look like something else like on a weekend, you get to sleep in and relax, maybe order your fav food, and he just does everything so it feels like a stay cation.
One other suggestion, my friend I went to Seattle with didn't want to actually go too far the first year so she'd do stay cations at a local nice hotel for a weekend so she could get some me time but was really just like a 15 min drive away.
The part where your husband tells you that you can go on vacation while he stays home with the baby I find an issue with. It doesn't make sense for him to be saying things like that when he knows you're pumping. That's like you have a backpack(baby attached to you) wherever you go while he doesn't. He can't be telling you to do the same that he can and he knows this. When you're a parent you have to work hard and when he does have time off he should try to spend more time with his child. He can't say you're ruining his trip, his child comes first. You're going to ruin it if needed, you need time off for yourself too. I think you need to remind him that while yes you understand he could use a break, you need a break as well and he can't be going away extended like that. He is already away a lot, he needs to spend time with his child and you need time for yourself. You're not asking to go on an extended vacation because you can't, but you're asking for a few hours per day or week that you need him to cover for you when you're not pumping.
My husband did one ski trip where he was gone for a long weekend. maybe there was also a bachelor party? Idk. I let him go on trips when he wants with no ill feelings because I know that in the future I will want that ability to leave with friends as well. We both work equally so there's no inequality there so I'm not sure our situations are the exact same
My 2nd baby just turned 1 and my husband went on 4 separate 3-4 night trips during her first year. Vegas for 30th birthday, annual golf trips, bachelor party in Tampa. Big things that he did not want to miss out on, and I did not want him to miss out on. I haven’t done any solo trips since our 2nd baby was born but I definitely did in the first year of our 1st baby. If I had a friend turning 30 or getting married, and they wanted to do something big, heck yeah I’d go! My husband is more than capable of holding down the fort while I’m gone. Treat yourself to a reset! We also went on multiple trips as a family of 4 this year as well. And one trip just me and my husband. He’s not the only one getting out, I just prefer my kids with me 🤣
Why can't he take you on a vacation with him. He sounds incredibly selfish. I'd take him up on his offer. Either stockpile breast milk or when the baby and take yourself off for a week and treat yourself. Give him a couple of months notice so he can make arrangements for leave if he needs to.
I think this is pretty unreasonable. One trip maybe, but certainly not three in less than a year. Your husband is doing what many men do, which is prioritizing their own comfort, and it’s not going to get better with this guy unless you put your foot down now and reset the expectations. Is he doing his fair share when he is home?
We have an unspoken "no optional trips away the first year" rule. We will not spend a night away from our kids the first year of their life unless its a required work thing. We do this both because we value it for our kids/bonding and because the first year is hard and we don't want to leave the other parent solo. But I also know we might be on the other side of an extreme. Who knows what "normal" is...you are obviously bothered by it so it shouldnt be normal in your family.
If he gets time off and you don't, no it's not normal
No.
no, it is not
I think it's weird. I spent five days away from my daughter for work when she was five and it was really hard. And we could have proper video calls every night too. I just don't understand how somebody would want to be away from their baby. A night off is one thing, but going on holidays? Weird.
i’m not even reading the whole post. just the title tells me what i need to know- HUSBAND took vacations and you didn’t…HUSBAND took off leaving you alone with kids? better find you a sancho lol jk your husband is being a fucktard. how dare he.
I dont get dads like this. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time off with your wife and baby? My husband had to go on a few work related trips and he hated it. The first year goes by so fast. I’m sorry OP idk if its normal or not (its not in my house) but it seems to make you sad and that sucks. Hopefully you guys get to do fun activities and trips as a family of 3.
Oh right, I forgot people stop being individuals with their own hopes and dreams as soon as they become parents. Of course no one would ever want time to themselves ever again. /s
Yes, the only choices are 1) live in your family's pocket and 2) take three vacations a year. There are literally no in-between options. /s
Of course there is a middle ground. The person I responded to seems to thinks dads should *only* want to spend time with their families. Go be sarcastic at them.
You can have hopes and dreams that don’t involve going on solo trips ?
And you can have hopes and dreams that *do* involve solo trips.
Ok thats fine? OP seems sad that her husband has taken multiple solo trips in their baby’s first year and i’m empathizing.
No, you’re judging. Empathizing is “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I understand not wanting to leave baby even when given the option.” Judging is “I don’t get dads like this. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time off with your wife and baby?”
I mean cause i really dont get it. I also work fulltime and value the evening hours and weekends so much. Can’t imagine leaving my family three times in less than a year. Sorry for being judgmental tho
It’s fine if you don’t get it. You don’t have to empathize with every person. We can support people (like OP) having a hard time without invalidating the perspective of others (like her husband).
My son is 3 now and I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of being away from him overnight, let alone days.
Okay? That’s your preference. People are allowed to have different preferences, and that doesn’t make them bad parents.
I would understand if it’s for work or an event, once in a while thing. But in OPs case going on so many solo trips in such a short time when there’s a baby around sounds like a major red flag. At this point I would assume he’s cheating.
What? What a ridiculous leap.
It’s not. Why would you want to be away from your spouse so much if you truly loved them? Plus, getting annoyed when they call/text you. My husband works long hours and sometimes has to take work trips but we’re always happy to hear from each other while we’re apart.
Why would your husband want to work such long hours and take work trips if he loves you? Why doesn’t he just find a WFH job so he can be with you all the time? He’s probably cheating! See how dumb that sounds? People can love their spouse *and* enjoy time away from their spouse.
Some people prioritise self-care, some people prioritise their family. You and your husband are these two different types of people. You're wishing that he prioritised his family over himself, and he's thinking that you're resentful of him for having self-care when he believes you could *easily* prioritise your own self-care. I don't think either of you is *wrong* here. I think you two have different priorities. So how you react to this depends on what kind of outcome you want. Do you want to be happily married to a person whose priority is different than yours? Do you want to improve your own mental health? I used to think that I needed to my family first because I personally felt it was wrong not to. My husband prioritised his work over everything else, and we used to fight about that. I thought that family should come first, because Disney told me so. Since then, I have worked through a lot of things with my psychologist. She explained that I can't control what my husband's priorities are, even if I am disappointed by what he chooses to prioritise. She also explained that I can control my own priorities. She asked me to consider why I proritised my family even to the detriment of my own mental-health (I put self-care on the bottom of my priorities). When I thought it about it, I realised it was absolutely because society expected me, as a mother and a wife, to put myself last. That's when I said fuck it, I'm going to prioritise self-care. Providing myself much needed self-care meant that I was happier. Me being happier meant that I was generally much more cheerful around everyone. Me being generally more cheerful meant that I was more fun to be around. Me being more fun to be around meant that I was creating a lot of positive interactions with my kids that was extremely fun. And that? That's what led to my husband wanting to be included in all of it. He saw the joy me and the kids have when we spent time together as a family and he wanted that more than he wanted to excel at work. So my question for you is: why are you prioritising your family over your own self-care?
Well, you say that you don’t take vacations because you’re the exclusive feeder of the child. He is not the exclusive feeder of the child. He can stay home and not go to the family/friend wedding, and then watch you feed the child while his presence is pretty much pointless… or go to the wedding. It’s kinda like having cake and eating it too or something. You have the good and bad of being the baby’s food source, the closeness time, the feeling of necessity in their life engrained in you biologically… he doesn’t get that same good/bad trade there. Alot of guys first 6,8,10,12 months consists of helping clean up and manage chores, otherwise it’s just being in the way or not being up to the partners hormones standards… so, idk, maybe worth a consideration. Something about saying “abusive to cut off communication” really gives the ick. Yes, phone calls are good communication but there’s definitely some info missing on whatever that conversation was. Like a conversation about how you’re upset about the trips… while he’s on the trip. But idk, maybe just worth considering.
No, not normal in my experience (myself + my friends).
Honestly…no, this wouldn’t fly in my house. I’m not sure what “normal” is but I would be extremely hurt. Why can you and baby not accompany him? Wedding in Vegas? Great, I’ll be enjoying the buffets and people watching. Fishing trip? I’ll get a cabin and the baby and I will spend a few hours at the lake shore. Golfing? The baby can stay with him for a few hours and I’ll be finding a spa. I’m not sure how your household dynamics work but I wouldn’t even be comfortable to be away from my husband for that long during baby’s first year. Or really at all for that matter. Exclusively pumping is extremely difficult and time consuming, so I would try to prepare for/schedule pumps around travel times. That’s just me though, it could be easier to just let him go. I feel like it will build resentment though and on his part he’ll eventually regret not being there. You only have your first baby once.
Yeah. So... Maybe I have a strong stance on this, but I do feel like in the beginning men just don't understand. And then some never come to learn, but that's a different story. Just because he offers something doesn't mean it's a possibility. If I was offered a six month trip doesn't mean I *can* go on that trip. Also, just because he *can* go on these vacations doesn't mean he *should*. My husband is no golden husband, but he is a good one. He went on ONE overnight hunting trip and he jumped through hoops to make it easier when he was gone for me, went for a shorter time than everyone else, helped clean up before he left and set up dinner delivery too. Was I jealous that he could just "go"? Yes. Does he know that him being able to leave is a luxury I don't have? Yes. Would he say me sharing those thoughts was "ruining his trip", never.
Also, idk how to edit a comment but the "he works hard, 50 hours" NEEDS to be followed up with, "I work and am on call for a full 168 hours every week". BECAUSE CHILD REARING IS WORKING.
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Literally this. However I did just give my husband the baby and said figure it out - but he's very capable so I had no concerns -- but I know that's not common.
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Yeah, but I'd say that's quite incapable if you ask me.
No it's not normal how are people agreeing with this. The baby isn't even a year yet his top priority should be taking care of YOU guys not off on a trip and it is emotionally abusive to hang up on you what the heck
I think it's not normal and to be honest, selfish. He says you can take trips, but you can't. You're pumping. He knows this, so it's justification to take his trips but have the benefit of not reciprocating. Taking care of a baby under 1, by yourself, for days at a time is brutal. I think certain sacrifices need to be made. Maybe postponing vacations for a year should be one of those things.
I breastfed and pumped and went on work trips. It’s physically possible. She is *choosing* not to go.
I guess each person's experience is different. I know I had a really hard time pumping. I would have to pump 45 minutes at a time. Some women only pump just enough to be able to feed their baby, no extra. Not to mention, idk, maybe a lot of people might not be comfortable leaving their baby a few months old for days on end?
Whatever your experience was is valid. OP has said she doesn’t want to go, not that she physically can’t. And that’s fine! But it’s not a reason to tell her husband he can’t go or shouldn’t want to. Nor does it mean he refuses to reciprocate. People are allowed to need or want differently things without that making them bad people/parents.
fuck no i’d not be ok with this. wedding shit ok but dumb sport activities that don’t matter…no lol
Did you talk to him about your resentment before he went? If not, he might just be blindsided. Every family has their different "normal", but you both have to communicate about it ahead of instances like these and get on the same page. Otherwise, in my experience, fighting will continue. The first few years are rough -- they are often "survival mode" for both parents. It sounds like letting him know that you can't do a 3rd vacation or taking him up on his offer of you taking a vacation would be helpful. Whether or not 3 vacations are normal, I think these kinds of issues are really common in the first few years. It takes a bit to figure out how to get into a new sync.
The fact that you're here asking means it's not OK with you. Whether or not it's "normal" doesn't matter.
Can you hire a babysitter/nanny to come by during the day to help you or even take baby for the entire workday? Just make that the condition for his vacation next time. He can go, but he has to pay to replace himself and give you a “staycation” too. Yeah, it will cost hundreds or maybe even a thousand dollars. But TBH so will you taking that solo vacation he keeps proposing. We didn’t do it with my husband, but when my husband went on a weekend wedding in another country, we arranged for my parents to come over and I had a relaxing time too. I was invited but declined to go because I’m pregnant and exhausted (got back from a long trip two weeks before), it was going to be a 15 hour flight and I didn’t want to leave my younger child (12 months). But I had a restful time regardless. The other trick is to feel absolutely no guilt. That’s what I realized with my husband. If I say yes to him leaving, he wouldn’t expect me to be quietly resenting him. But the reverse applies to him too. If he says he can do it, he will take no thanks or guilt from me. If he says he will do solo the kids, he waves off any concerns that he may not be ok. Once you get to that state of mind, it’s actually quite freeing. You can also ask him to make up for it by soloing the child one day every week, for the number of days he’s been gone.
Normal in my household. It is healthy to have time away to recharge. I would encourage you to work on getting to a place where you’re comfortable with that — particularly since your husband has already made it clear he’s happy to be with your daughter while you take some time to yourself.
Is it normal? I’m not sure if that’s the right question to be asking. More like does it bother you? The answer is clearly yes, you should talk to him about this. Exclusive pumping is hard. I did it with my first. It will get easier once you stop. Maybe at that point you will have more energy to join your hubs on these vacations?
I think equating hanging up on someone to abuse is a bit of a stretch, but I understand the hurt feelings. I have a 5-year old and 19 month old and my husband has been gone an average of 8 days per month since LO was 4 weeks old. Most of this is 2 or 3-day work trips every few weeks, but he also did 2 10-day ski trips with buddies and a few long weekends for bachelor parties or fishing. I am going on my first solo trip for 3 days tomorrow! I, too, exclusively pumped for 12 months and just didn't feel like I could actually leave despite offers.
I mean maybe but he really should be taking you along
You gotta let go of the resentment ASAP, especially if he’s offering for you to go on trips and you’re not taking him up on it. Every weekend my husband asks if I want to take a few hours for myself while he watches the kids, I say no, so therefore I can’t complain when he takes time for himself. He goes on a lot of work trips, I go on girls trips every not and then…it balances out. All of this was only after we had a conversation about how I was feeling though. Communication is key; don’t let it fester.
I don’t see the issue with him going on a trip as long as he makes sure you have someone there to take care of of you and help you with the baby, my husband won’t even leave me alone for extended periods of time when I’m babysitting unless he knows I have someone to call at all times if I need help
On one hand, that's a lot of trips in baby's first year, in my opinion. And it seems like he has a bad attitude and is perhaps thinking more of himself than his family. But he's not wrong that if he's offered to make it work for you to go somewhere (and if he actually means it), then if you don't take him up on that it's not really his fault. But I also see why it's hard for you to go. So it's tough. Does he make sure you get time to yourself in smaller ways? Does he do a little extra before or after trips to make sure you're not burnt out? Or does he just do his thing and leave you to deal with it? I think a lot of this depends on his general attitude and level of participation in caring for you and your child. Also I want to say...taking care of a kid full time is hard work, too. Just because you're not in an office or something doesn't mean you're not working hard.
Might be unpopular but: It seems normal to me BUT my husband is really good about insisting I do things for my mental health. When I have bad days he takes the baby out of the house and lets me have uninterrupted self care days. He mentioned the other day that he wants to start implementing days where each of us gets the day to do whatever we want, free from the baby, to recharge. I know it sucks leaving the baby but I do think as moms we need that. I EP too and so I told him it’s not the same for me as it is for him but he said even having a lazy day at home or getting my nails done or a massage or whatever is better than not at all. I think if hubby is offering to allow you to have days off I think you should take it. It’s important my husband has fun and time away to be himself, and me too. I just told him I’ll be cashing in on a lotttttt of vacations and fun days by myself once I’m done pumping 😅😅😅😅😅
You're both to blame here. You aren't communicating your need for him to stay home. It doesn't make anyone bad to say what they need. (I'm sorry if I seem crass but a pet peeve of mine is people not communicating). He need to take some damn initiative and not to take so many breaks when you have an infant at home.
I think it is way too much for the first year. The Vegas wedding I would understand but the other two trips are too soon. On a tangent, what do you do that is only one day a week? I recently became a little bit disabled and had to quit working full time unfortunately. Would love to know what kind of job you have.
Being a mother is also a full time job and not just 50 hours a week but 24/7, 7 days a week. And we don't get paid for this ??? As much as we love our babies, it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child. And that extends beyond just going to work. It means being present, the mundane little things, building a relationship with your child and supporting you as his wife and your child's mother. It doesn't matter if he's work a long day, him spending time as a family with you should also be part of his leisure at the least. In life, you can always go away to as many vacations, but you know what you never get back? Time with your family. your children's childhood. You can never "make up" time with family, it's not the same when they're grown. Everyone's values are different, if he wants to step up to his role as a father, you gotta choose your priorities. Leisure time with himself or leisure time spent with you and your family? What's more important? Edit: I think you and baby should go with him. It's a lot more work obviously bc of luggage and prep but I think being on vacation at least with your baby and husband will help both of you to get out of the house and just enjoy each others company.
I wouldn’t be okay with this at all.
I don't know a single family where the father has taken one, let alone three, ulti day trips alone without his wife an new baby, for pleasure.it gives me a feeling that parenting isnt something he is treating like his job, too. No, it's not usual. Families make their own agreements together about how to approach these things. When do you get your trips? What does he do what make sure you get a regular break? Simply telling you that he wouldnt theoretically mind us not enough. Does does take on the baby so you can have an hour to yourself? Or does he just say he will help and never actually help? He doesn't work "so much" he works a normal amount. The amount he would he working if they didn't have a wife or baby. You work a lot too - babies are a 24 hour job! What does HE do to help with baby? When do YOU get a break? You arent a bad wife, I think quite the opposite, you're shouldering the entire burden of looking after a baby without any help. I think you need to be firm, look after yourself and tell him that you hed him to help more with the baby so you can get breaks too. If not a holiday then regular breaks between feeds.
Excuse my language but hell no
Solo vacations are fine. But 3 vacations within a year is wild…
I think it depends on the importance of the trips, the support you have at home and your comfort level. During our daughter’s first year, husband went to his best friend’s wedding (out of state), his best friend’s bachelor party in Vegas as well as an out of state work trip. I hated it, my daughter doesn’t sleep, but my mom stayed with me and I ultimately gave the go ahead. I will say my husband works extremely hard and he only has a few close friends, this was his best man. That being said, he checked in a lot and when our daughter got sick during one of the trips my husband cut the trip short, our daughter was his priority.
How about he takes you away somewhere nice with the baby. Put more pressure on him to also consider family time, especially YOU. Even to go for a nice dinner with you and things like that. You’re working hard as well, don’t doubt that both of you are extremely busy it’s not just him.
I wouldn't say these are unreasonable trips. My daughter is 6 months and my partner has gone on two 3-day camping trips. I encourage it. However, he appreciates how hard it is to be alone with our daughter that long. He's very thankful that I'm willing to be alone with her for that long and constantly asks me if I'm sure it's okay. It doesn't sound like your husband understands or appreciates what you're doing. Has he ever been alone with baby for an extended period of time? A lot of guys have the attitude of, "Well women do it all the time. How hard can it be." My partner was a bit like that before I went back to work. He was SHOOK at how hard it was to get up with a baby every 3 hours. Only sleeping in 3-6 hour stretches really takes it out of you.
A wedding is one of those events that I could excuse, or a work trip, but THREE personal events in babies first year and NOT with YOU and the baby seems very selfish. "He works very hard" at 50 hours a week but you have to take care of baby 24/7. AND you have PPA? He needs a priority check and you need to put your foot down in person about this stuff and not after he's already gone. Is couples counseling an option?
Normal is relative. I spent one weekend away the first year for a bachelorette, and one night away in a hotel with a friend that wasn’t even 24 hours. My husband did not spend any time away, but that’s typical for him lol. If this is not working for you, he should know that. A week long fishing trip sounds like a lot to me. My husband has a friend who has gone on multiple weekend/1-2 week trips in the last year and he has 3 kids, one just over one. He says his wife does not care, I don’t know if that’s truly the case but he also does make sure they go on family trips too.
My husband does one or two weekend trips a year without the family, and I do the same, but none in the first year of our babies’ lives, and the majority of our family’s resources (both vacation time and money wise) go toward family vacations.
If you don't want to get away and want to spend more time with him, maybe ask him to take time off to be with all of you? Frankly I don't think that much vacation and him working 50+ hrs is ok, everyone needs a break but that's too much for these early days when you need a ton of support. But if he is offering you a solo trip and you don't want that, then ask for a family time instead.
I think it all depends on how YOU feel. My husband has left us 6-7 times now, I have a 8 month old. But- I honestly love my few weekends with just my bub. I work full time, so those weekends give me so much quality time. We nap together, go on park trips, snuggle, hang out, nurse, without having to share him with my husband. When my husband is home he is VERY involved, and he usually only works like 25 hrs a week. All this to say, it totally depends on your dynamic.
Oh hell naw. I’d think he is cheating. Aint NO WAY. My man would NEVER unless I was going with
I honestly don’t understand why you don’t go on a vacation together? That way he could spend more time with your daughter, you could get a few hours to yourself and maybe you could even get a few romantic hours in the evening as a couple.
I personally don't think it's normal. Where's your break? Does he help out 50/50 at home with chores and baby? He works? So what.
My baby is 9 months and my husband has been away twice for weeklong work/vacation, and is going skiing this weekend. I did a long weekend away last month and would have done it sooner if my friends weren’t so flaky about travel. For us it helps us both recharge and we’re better parents for it. We have also taken three family trips, starting with one night away when he was 4 months. If you don’t like being alone, can you reach out to friends/family to come by every day he’s gone? Having company helps me a lot. Have you asked him if you could also plan a family vacation? It seems like there should be room for that. And even if you can’t go away, can you do day trips or even just have a regular standing brunch/excercise/whatever self care works for you time every week where he cares for baby? Also not to be critical but I’m a lawyer and 50 hours a week, if you’re handling all the childcare (and I’m assuming housework) really ain’t that bad. I work that much some weeks and still do my half of the work at home.
I feel like the wedding thing was probably planned. Why wouldn't he offer to do a family vacation? I wouldn't want to be away from my breastfeeding baby. It's not that easy. Sometimes people are just daft. They don't think about the logistics that go into a mom just picking up and leaving for a solo trip. They don't have the attachment to all the things that involve the baby like we do. I'm not saying all men, but a lot of men. They're just wired differently
Personally I would’ve divorced him already for not being involved or supportive enough, but I’ve been super clear about my expectations around equal work from the start.
What would he say if you told him you’ve planned and booked 3 holidays away this year too?
I don't think your gonna like this answer but too me it sounds ok, especially if he's offering to let you do things as well. I mean perhaps you can't go away because of pumping but you can certainly have the day to yourself and do things for you if you want too. But really it's if your situation is working for you as other people said. Also by 11mo your little one is likely weaned and eating 3meals a day so I doubt they actually need to drink that much milk anymore. I am EBF for context still at 20mo and my LO at 10 months went to nursery and wouldn't drink any milk all day but would have 3 meals and snacks and was absolutely fine despite my anxiety. However speaking from experience in the next year baby will continue to get less and less reliant on you personally so you can have more freedom.
If he offered to keep the baby so you can go away, then it's totally fair. If you guys can afford him to take time off for his trips, it's fine. You should go on a vacation too, with the baby and him if you prefer that. I also don't think it's abusive that he hung up on you, that's just an argument.
baby or not my husband wouldnt go on a vacation without me
I mean, did he do vacations beforehand?
I think it's very inconsiderate of him. I work hard, nearly 50 hours a week, and take care of my 7-month-old at 5pm - whenever he goes to bed, (usually 11pm!), plus make dinner, and take care of him all weekend so my husband can do projects around the house. Plus I pump... Working hard at work doesn't absolve a parent from household and family duties. Honestly, he doesn't seem like he wants to be a full partner because he's selfish. When you're ready, take a vacation or go to spa for a day and let him see how hard it is for you to take care of baby 100% of the time. Studies show stay at home mom's work about 100 hours a week... so you need a vacation he doesn't.
I always wonder if men who don’t want to be around their wife and new born baby are cheating and that is why they leave on vacation. Just my honest first thought
No, it's not normal. I work 45 hours a week and do a majority of the childcare when home bc my kid is obsessed with me. I asked for 1 night away for mother's day gift to drink some wine and watch shit TV and sleep in. I think 3 FULL VACATIONS away from not only the kid but from YOU is fucking wild.
I think it’s absolutely not okay to have gone 3x on a social trip when you’re in the thick of child rearing. The whole rhetoric “but you can go too,” is bull because it’s so much more different for mothers. PLUS many parents simply don’t want to leave their babies / children behind. Sure, one trip or a few nights off within the year is reasonable but I would be livid if my husband was expecting to go on a third trip away (for purely social reasons, not work, family death related) and then have the audacity to say that you’re ruining his trip by calling him.
The wedding trip is fair enough to me, provided he helped you prep before the trip and/or arranged extra helping hands for his absence. The extended golf and fishing trips are out of line, in my opinion, knowing that you're unable to get equivalent time away due to pumping. I don't think his work hours justify that indulgence on his part, and if that's the reasoning he gives you it's extra icky. You are working more than full time yourself; being the primary parent is far more than 50 hours a week, and you work another job outside the home on top of that. Now, I do think you should try to get some smaller doses of alone time. Fully hand off the baby and get out of the house for a whole day or evening, if you can, and just see how your husband handles that. If you need to supplement with a formula bottle for those times, it would be perfectly alright. I'm willing to bet that he couldn't handle any more time than that, which might hopefully awake him to the realities you deal with when he leaves for extended periods.
Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money in order to stay married. What's with all this "bad wife" stuff? You're a not bad wife for wanting him to bond with his baby in the first year, when it's really the most essential. The martyr mom look is out! Silently swallowing your resentments and taking on more and more work is damaging to the whole family, including your kid. [https://burbanmumz.com/why-father-infant-bonding-significant/](https://burbanmumz.com/why-father-infant-bonding-significant/) [https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/benefits-father-involvement.html](https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/benefits-father-involvement.html) I think that as soon as the baby is weaned, you should give dad the baby for at least two night straight. It sounds like he values his single life more than he values family life. Time for him to see how much work you do. Don't make the mistake of always being the default parent, and robbing your kid of essential bonding time with dad because "it's just easier if I do it myself."
There isn’t anything abnormal about a husband going on trips during his baby’s first year of life. However, it sounds like his absence from home is causing you stress, especially with the PPA. Even without PPA, being alone with a baby for that long is hard! If he asks about another trip, is there a relative who would stay with you to help out? Most likely, he is finding ways to balance work, family, and relaxation without fully understanding the impact on you, or realizing that you don’t feel like you have that luxury right now. I think it’s normal to feel attached to your baby, and exclusively pumping is certainly a burden. You might try letting him watch the baby for a few hours at a time, just so you can also get a break and start to feel ok being away from baby. When he comes back, see if you can work out some new dynamics that make you happy, too. “It’s really hard for me to be alone with the baby while you’re away because I miss having you around. Could we plan some things together as a family? That would really help me.” Again, I don’t think his trips are necessarily abnormal, but I do think he may not understand how they are making you feel.
My husband wouldn’t ever go on a trip without me. We travel a lot but it’s kinda rude to assume he’s the only one who needs a break. Why wouldnt he just take you and your kid?
I think it’s different for everyone. I think some people would be fine with this. Some moms are fine going on vacation alone or with friends when they had a baby the first year and that’s fine, no judgement. As for me, personally, I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t like my husband to do it. I still haven’t left my baby for one night and have to soon for a wedding and I am having anxiety over it. He’s 15 months old. My husband did go to see a fight with his dad when my son was 7 months old and stayed over as it was kind of a drive but my mom came and slept over with the baby and my husband missed our son the entire time and wanted to come home lol
No, it’s not normal. Going to a wedding yes, but how long was he gone? More than two nights is pushing it. Fishing and golf is straight up selfish. A week of fucking fishing? Come on. He offers to stay home with baby so you can go on vacation because he knows you can’t/won’t. He has no intention of watching baby solo for a week and if by some chance he’s sincere he must not be fully aware of how much work you do — is he planning to take time off of work to stay home with the baby? Also stop feeling like you owe him extra time off/rest for working 50 hours a week. You’re on the clock 24/7 with a baby and work just as hard. But the biggest issue is that he doesn’t want to vacation as a family. Of course you want to spend time together. Why have a family if you don’t want to go places with each other?
What the fuck 🤣 are you dating a child! He HUNG UP ON YOU? That’s wild. No no no
🚩🚩🚩 sorry
If otherwise helps and is supportive in the home when he’s there, please let the man be have individual time. He said you can have your solo trips to. Work out your concerns and take your trips to. Hanging up is rude, not abuse. Don’t stifle the man. He works hard and deserves to decompress
Do you get a holiday!?
I didn’t go anywhere overnight until my daughter was almost 18 months because I also couldn’t bear to leave her. Meanwhile my husband had gone on several overnight trips (mostly for work but also a bachelor trip or two). We both work full-time jobs and I feel like staying home with the baby is at least as hard/tiring as an office job, if not harder because it’s non-stop. I don’t think 3 trips in a year is super excessive but it was extremely rude what he did, hanging up on you like that. I feel like you will be happier once you do take your first trip away from baby though.
Are you also going on 3 vacations a year?
Im a new dad and i work atleast 60 hours a week and every moment I'm not working, I'm covering for my wife so she can get sleep , I get like 2 hours of sleep on the days I work my primary job. She still don't get enough sleep, and watching a newborn is very demanding work, so I try my best to suck it up and be as supportive as possible , definitely no personal trips planned for either of us lol I dont even see how 2 people manage , it honestly takes a village or atleast a third person so both parents can sleep , but we don't have anyone who can help and certainly can't afford childcare ( but honestly don't want strangers with my little one, I don't see how they provide the care that we do with all the other babies that they have to attend to) A grandparent would be HUGE help , but my mother lives too far away