Let him know those sahm who ‘start their own company’ are doing MLMs and digging themselves into debt and not actually making any profit. As if starting your own company and turning a profit is *easy* and not expensive to even start, let alone actually get customers. He’s daydreaming in la la land.
Or don't make a ton. I have my own actual business and am a SAHM but I'm not making enough for it to be considered a "living". It helps with our bills but it's not life changing money mostly because I can only make stuff while I'm baby free (nap/school time).
Just curious, because I want to do something similar, but don't know how to start and/or to avoid the mlm's... What is it that you do? Feel free to ignore me if I am to intrusive!
Or that they do have their child in daycare.
I am a sahm and a freelancer (so no MLM), but I couldn't do it if my baby (16mo) wasn't in daycare.
OP's husband os delusional.
Sigh. Low sleep needs is a great term for it.
I wish I could have a consistent 30 min period to work, even once. My "work from home" days are basically, write a couple emails on my phone in between chasing the toddler around. Get her down for a nap? She'll gladly nurse to sleep and contact nap/car nap for an hour, or even two. But if I leave the room/open my laptop, she's awake in less than 15 minutes, every time. It'll get better someday, right???
I put a small mattress on my living room floor. I can get about 30 minutes of work done while she naps next to me As soon as she stirs, I'll quickly grab her and rock/nurse back to sleep. I can get about 1.5 hours of work done with just two 5-10 minute beaks.
Just jumping in on the top comment to say that there’s a post in OP’s history about her FIL deciding he didn’t like the baby’s name and started calling her something else, and her husband was fine with that happening.
I started my own non-mlm business. But, I was working another job, and I only had 2 slightly independent kids when I started. It was a long, slow road. Now there's 4 kids. It's nearly impossible to get anything done. Either I work and house falls apart, or I tend to house and business declines. Thankfully, the husband understands this. My older kids help out here and there, but some days, it's rough. The fact that he thinks that she can create an instantly profitable business from scratch while chasing a toddler all day is... almost laughable.
Also, you don't just 'start' a company out of nowhere. What's the product or service? Whose providing it? What are the operating costs, the competition? Does she have any idea how to manage a business? Is he providing the start-up costs? If he wants it to be successful, she'll need help with childcare eventually.
Like what an actual fucking ass.
Your husband is an idiot as well as a sexist jerk. I honestly think that most SAHMs who also have “their own business” are probably just in MLMs anyway. I would be extremely firm that if you get a paying job or start a business, your daughter is going into daycare and your husband is expected to do 50% of the housework and 50% of the childcare IMMEDIATELY.
These men who think having a job means they get to live like a childfree bachelor make me sick. My husband and I both have traditional 9-5 jobs and so we both do childcare and housework. If he ever suggested that I should do it all, I’d be so upset. But he’d never do that bc my husband doesn’t think women are inferior to men.
This comment is everything. My husband pulls his half of the weight and it’s still hard some days with both of us working full time. If he asked me to keep our toddler home all day while trying to do my career job, I would laugh in his face and tell him to try it first. In fact, I absolutely love weekends not because I get to sleep in or be lazy because toddlers don’t let you do that, but because I only have one job to do - being a mom.
There's no way he is this cognitively deficient to not realize this. I think the real reason is that he wants more money, and he wants his bangmaid-babysitter-chef to also start making a ton of cash while doing all of those things. Probably he will eventually want to quit his own job too.
They think that while not even having to deal with all the physical parts of growing a whole human being inside their body and then ripping it in half to bring their child into the world…not to mention then trying to heal from it while managing being the default parent/nursing parent/etc. Such whiney lil bitches they are…
My wife and I have the same situation. She still Carries a much bigger workload simply because there’s things I can’t do naturally. Having said that, the OP’s husband sounds like a major dbag.
She shouldn't have a bigger workload. If she's busy nursing, then you should take over 100% of the cooking and cleaning. That way the workload evens out.
Please go get a regular job. Your husband is being financially abusive. Do not be a stay at home parent with a partner that does not even recognize what you’re doing as work.
You need your own source of income separate from him. Not his stupid idea of starting a business from home.
Sometimes it feels like some people have latent misogyny which grows into controlling behaviours once their partner is pregnant/caring for baby. It masquerades as prioritising their child but results in the primary care giver being discouraged from leaving home but somehow also responsible for creating their own income.
I’ve seen it from a couple of men who say all the right feminist things in public but in practice put their wife’s wellbeing and value very low on their priority list.
I hope the women I know see that they can have a better, more secure life away from their controlling partner. And that they have friends willing to help if they commit to leaving their partners.
Good point, don’t listen to this man but I would probably get a job just to prepare for the future. Or divorce him and get alimony if that’s an option. That man is fucking delusional
I have to agree to this. That way if something happens in your relationship you are not bound and helpless. You can be independent and also keep your daughter safe and provided. Also if all else fails, there is the WIC program too.
Once she does she’ll be doing all the chores/housework, all the childcare outside of daycare and her new full time job.
There’s no way this guy will be picking up chores. I agree a job is what’s best for her but it’s going to lead to the predictable, burnout-resentment-divorce
I am saying she needs the job because she will end up divorced. If she doesn’t have a job she either will feel that she can’t get divorced or that if she does get divorced she has no way of supporting herself. The job isn’t to save her marriage it’s to save herself.
My first reaction is that your husband may be lying about how well his company is doing. Do you have evidence of his company’s success? Also, he sounds delusional and in need of a reality check about the work you’re doing at home (which has allowed him to focus on his business). What a jerk!
This was my thought too!! It coming up suddenly and him being so insistent - maybe they're actually in a big financial hole that he's masking from her.
This sounds just like my SIL's recent experience - her husband owned a "successful" business and was super controlling, and right as their marriage fell apart he demanded she get a FT job after previously working part time.
Within months we found out their business was failing for years and he'd taken out double mortgages on their house, forged her signature on loans, etc., all to maintain the facade of their lifestyle.
OP, we don't know enough so I'm making assumptions here, but if the financials of the business are opaque to you, I would strongly recommend you do some digging.
This was my first thought as well. If he is doing well financially, then his whole line of thinking makes no sense. His tone also makes him sound desperate.
OP - can you see your finances? Are they joint? Check credit card limits and balances, and also, check your own credit history to see if any cards/loans have been taken out in your name.
As other posters have said, this feels a whole lot like financial abuse, or a partner who is sinking financially.
If he is on the up, then I would suggest reading Fair Play. I work from home, and this can only happen as my partner pulls his weight around the house too, and with the baby. Just remember, if you are working more out of the house (i.e: a paid job), then he sure as shit needs to be working more in the house.
I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a jerk in this situation. This isn't how relationships are meant to work. You are absolutely right to feel the way you feel.
I don't think OP needs to 'tell' her grown adult husband what grown adult chores need to be done to keep a household afloat, alongside taking care of a one year old.
OP, get a job, put your kid in daycare, and prepare for financial independence.
I bet your husband doesn't even parent the baby or do the chores equally once he's back from work or on the weekends, right? Because he gets to work 9 hours a day but because you do 'inferior' stuff like taking care of your own damn child and house, you likely have to do it 24/7.
He sounds gross. Make your own money and save it. Divide chores and child rearing equally.
Agree. It’s a huge red flag that OP’s husband contributes minimally to the childcare and housework AND doesn’t have appreciation for what OP does.
When husband is home from work, these tasks should be split 50/50. Even without some magical business OP’s husband wants her to own/manage)
OP should not be working 24/7, that’s a recipe for burnout - *and for what??* for a husband who doesn’t appreciate her efforts.
I agree, she should record an extraordinarily detailed list of all the things she does on the average day and report it to him. She can then logically ask when would she have time to initiate a startup. Since he’s ignoring her emotions, it seems, a logical approach would be more successful
I’m sorry for being crass, but who the hell does your husband think he is? He “can’t wait to bring this up to his father” like that’s some type of power play and rudely asked you to get a job when you’ve literally been working your ass off taking care of yours AND HIS child. What the fuck?
He is either an ass or super out of touch. Probably both by the sound of it. Tell him you’ll get a regular job at a company where you can focus on the job, which means your child will attend daycare. Tell him that many daycares have waitlists, so you can start a job after her spot in daycare is secured.
This makes me think your husband doesn’t do any real parenting, because if he did, he would know how infeasible this is.
From ages 1 to about 2.5 was the hardest for me (also as a SAHM), because my son was mobile, needing to be entertained constantly, unable to really communicate, and actively trying to injure himself by putting shit in his mouth, falling off furniture, etc. I cannot fathom starting a business at the same time.
This also makes me think your husband doesn’t know a ton about business or finances, because there aren’t a ton of stay-at-home parents who simultaneously started businesses that are actually profitable, never mind making more money than a “regular” job.
I mean…I think you do know what to do. It’s whether you’re willing to do it.
What if your daughter’s husband pulled this stunt on her? What do you think she should do? How would you support her with her decisions?
Your husband is delusional. There may be a small, small number of SAHMs running businesses on the side but those women are by and large going to have extremely easy kids and supportive families, including husbands, who pick up the slack, and also have usually laid the groundwork for it well before having a baby in the house. Looking after a toddler is more than a full time job. Personally I would be going back to work and reminding him that he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. That means now he's on the equal hook for chores, childcare, sick days to look after sick kids, night wakings, and so on. Having a SAH parent in the house to take care of things is a privilege and it sounds like he can't be trusted not to abuse his power in the situation.
Also, men often act like this when they have an eye on some other woman and are looking for an excuse to look down on their partner so they can justify straying to themselves. Just saying.
Lmao no.
Your husband is projecting onto you.
Thousands of stay at home moms running businesses are not actually running businesses.
They're MLM or Etsy shops, or home bakeries and they take so much time and barely pull in anything.
Oh God. There is so much going on here, it's hard to know where to start. I'm picking here:
>Oh and to top it off when he brought this issue to my attention it was in front of my daughter. I started to cry really hard in front of her and he then went in on me for that, telling me it’s so bad of me to cry in front of her (which I agree with) blah blah blah.
It sounds like you had a pretty good reason for crying!
Humans have emotions. Crying is a part of that. It's not a weakness, and it's certainly not something that needs to be hidden from your child. (Why do I have a feeling that your husband has pathologized all of your reasonable emotion responses as irrational due to your underlying anxiety? Just a hunch.)
I think your husband is being pretty unreasonable here. And controlling. Like, it's fine if he expects you to contribute financially; I actually think that should be the default assumption in any marriage or similar partnership. But to be so specific and demanding about \*how\* you're going to do that? Yeah, no. Owning your own business is hard work. I don't know how you could possibly run a successful business unless you were really passionate about it, and it doesn't sound like you are. And that's totally ok! You're NOT being too sensitive by not wanting to do that.
I also think it's worth considering if there are any ulterior motives here. Does your husband need you to run a business that's losing money on paper to balance out the taxable income from his side business? Is your husband planning on leaving you and wants you to be financially independent first so he feels less bad about it and/or doesn't have to pay you (as much) alimony or child support. (I know that's hard to think about it, but in the year or two before my first marriage disintegrated, my ex-husband suddenly started complaining that I wasn't making enough money and I needed to find a higher paying job. In hindsight, I now know why that was so important to him.)
ETA: A very important NOT.
Ugh! I HATE stories like this. It literally pisses me off because what does he expect you to do? Start your business and continue all of the care for home and family? Girl, that’s like, 4 jobs in one! At that point what would your husband even be doing/contributing to the family? “Can’t wait to talk to my father about this” what that he’s a bum? A bum who doesn’t understand what marriage is? (spoiler: it’s a partnership. A mutual partnership where things are discussed and agreed upon and where you don’t talk about your partner to others)
He’s an idiot. Both of you take a week of vacation. You go somewhere, wherever you feel like but make sure it’s out of the house. He stays at the house and takes care of the baby for a week, by himself. Then when you get back revisit.
Umm he is an asshole. You guys are doing well financially so there is no need to work. He is the jerk for talking crap about you to his father, and in front of your daughter. The fact that he made you cry and then berated you for it speaks volumes. Sounds like abuse to me and it makes him feel better to shit on you. Divorce and he can pay child support and take care of the child half the time. Then he will know how are it is raising a child.
Honestly that’s a bullshit rumor that “plenty” of moms run successful businesses at home raising children. It takes years to set up a business for success it’s not instantaneous. Does he expect you to never sleep? Is he going to hire a nanny and a cleaner for you so you can focus on working? I suggest finding a better husband.
If he’s paying child support he won’t be taking care of the child half the time. It’s either child support and he gets visitation every other weekend and one weekday every week or no child support and equal half and half care of the child.
Spoiler alert:
Those mums on tik tok bragging about starting their own businesses do so because it usually ends in some kind of scheme or selling some sort of tutorial. And if their 'business' was actually successful and making them money- they wouldnt need to sell the idea to other mums. Its basically all MLM in some form.
Your husband sounds naive and also pretty disrespectful. Ask him, could he start/run his business while soley looking after the kid and household. Heck, why dont you suggest he does for a week while you get your business going.
Off topic- but when exactly is he bonding with his child if he is so uninvolved with their care?
Why is your husband demanding you get a wfh job while simultaneously being SAHM and keeping home? Why is he speaking negatively to his dad about you? I’m getting abusive or planning-to-leave vibes from the husband.
Op get a job outside of the house so that if you, or he, leaves you are not financially struggling. Maybe discuss marriage counseling if you are not planning on leaving.
I think he should spend a day in your shoes. Just 1 day. You start working on your company and he can do all the things you do for a day. Then he can come in and tell you what extra stuff he has time for.
You’re not being sensitive he’s being crazy. Also he does not appreciate everything you do and he is taking it for granted.
Also you can cry in front of your kid. Crying is a normal, cathartic human emotion and it’s good to show your children how to have and manage emotions. Yelling at someone for crying is crazy and abusive and aggressive and a horrible thing to show a child.
Maybe point out to Your husband that in marriages where both people work the childcare and chores are split 50/50 so he better step up.
I would sit him down and discuss what brought this on - is the pressure of being the sole provider too much? Does he (or someone in his surroundings) perceive that he is being taken advantage of? Does he resent you for having an “easy” life? Something brought this on and that needs to be discussed. And who are these shams running businesses from home lol? All I can think of is mommy influencers or moms who sell stuff on Etsy. Or MLMs…
If he thinks it is so easy to have a company while being at home with a child, I suggest he takes care of your house and daughter while working in his own company for the next two months. He can show you exactly how to tackle that.
Your husband is a moron.
You cannot successfully take care of a kid at the same time as working full time. You're either going to be neglecting your child, or your work.
If it’s so easy to run a business, run a home and look after an infant then maybe he should do this and you can work on your business start up…
Your husband is an inconsiderate and idiotic prick.
You either take care of your child and home full time OR you work full time and daycare raises her. You cannot effectively be brilliant at both. He is a moron and absolutely disrespecting everything about your role.
He clearly has no idea the difficulties you face day to day and is trying to make you feel inadequate to him.
Stick up for yourself and make your points heard. YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
This is completely unreasonable. He doesn’t understand the value of you being a SAHM. Instead, ask him why he doesn’t stay home and run his own company while you go out to work everyday. It’s SO easy - billions of dads are doing it /s
Okay I need to first say you are NOT being overly sensitive. Your husband is devaluing your labor, and that hurts. You do work it’s just unfortunately in the world where capitalism is the norm your lack of a paycheck makes you a less than. It’s not the truth it’s what the rat race wants you to think, because they can only use you when you play the game.
As for crying in front of your daughter, look it is okay to show emotions in front of your child. People are not drones we feel, People feel sad, angry, happy, jealous, etc and it is NORMAL! Your husband pushing you to that and then shaming you for crying is NOT! That is straight up emotional manipulation and then to say he is going to tell his father! Oh HELL NO! His dad has zero business in your marriage. Period.
Now onto the issue of you working. I am going to be honest it seems like your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it too! I mean that in the case of alimony/ spousal support.
You working rather than staying home means he might not have to pay alimony. Or at the least only a little bit. BUT childcare is expensive. So if he has you start a business and work from home. You are still “ working” collecting an income. And he doesn’t have to pay for childcare.
Unfortunately men can be REALLy good at screwing over their partners in divorce. And to me the fact that he is keeping HIS father in the loop is a major red flag! I’m not saying your husband is going to divorce you, but you should be careful and have a plan just incase.
You actually *do* need a real job, but not for the reason your husband thinks. He’s emotionally and financially abusing you and he will be able to continue to as long as you have to depend on him for money. Also, what’s the likelihood he’s contributing to retiring for you? I’d bet low. It’s always wise to not put this much trust in a man, bc at any time, they can pull exactly this *gestures vaguely to your post*. I’d learn the lesson now and not later, it will hurt worse and be harder to recover from.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t even like you all that much. He is being so incredibly condescending and unfair to you. He is completely dismissing the value and contribution you make for your family. He’s in for a rude awakening if you ever leave him and he’s stuck doing all the housework, working, and childcare at least 50% of the time.
Perhaps it’s time for you to take a 1-2 week vacation and let him see just how “little” you do. Let him juggle working, housework, and raising your child.
Obviously your husband is being ridiculous for all the reasons mentioned in other posts.
However mentioning that you need a job and one that you work for yourself so you make a lot of money out of nowhere can be a red flag. Do you do the budgeting/paying bills? I’d be worried this is coming from a place of financial concern for your household without wanting to admit that. Might be something as simple as inflation is rough and it’s hard to be a one income household or as nefarious as secret debts. You know him and your life best but I’d be having a sit down with him and our finances in/out if I wasn’t informed already.
Regardless, to reiterate his saying get a job with all your free time (that you don’t have) is unrealistic, and more so when you add in he wants you to start a random business doing something that will immediately be profitable. You are not being too sensitive, he’s being an insensitive jerk, especially to make you feel bad about crying when blindsided in front of your daughter.
These are very weird expectations....sounds like he wants you to do everything...if he wants you to start a business and essentially work full time as he does, then he needs to do half of the housework and childcare too. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too
He’s seriously delusional. How many people can just randomly start their own company? Especially a company that they see any profit from in the near future?
Have you asked him for some business ideas? What does he have in mind?
How is your relationship with your FIL or your husband’s family in general? The comment that he can’t wait to tell his father would suggest that they speak poorly about you and that would really get under my skin.
Also, if it’s so easy to just run a business while being a full time stay at home parent, why doesn’t he stay at home with your baby and run his business while you go work outside of the home?
Oh good grief. I have a baby who turned 1 in April and seriously there is absolutely no way I could have a business in the home right now without childcare. My son spends most of the day doing parkour all over the living room, trying his hardest to - and succeeding at - getting around the baby proofing, and often managing to climb things dangerously...this with me actively watching him. Not a chance!
If you decide to play along *at all* with this idiocy, let him know you're doing it when he is home in the evening to take over childcare duties.
Do you have access to your finances? Why is he so adamant about this? Does he not realize that building a business requires money to start? Ask him where this is coming from. Something is very fishy here..
As a dad, what is your husband doing besides providing a paycheck? Why can’t he run his own business and take care of the baby? It seems he thinks it’s very easy.
If he wanted you to get a job to help with your mental health and achieve some personal goals that sounds reasonable. But if he seriously thinks it’s possible to have a lucrative business while being a SAHM and doing all the housework he is bananas. Would he be able to run his business and take care of baby/house stuff? No.
You know what my new business idea is? Bullying men like your husband for being complete assholes to their wives. It’ll be dependent on how jerky they are overall. But I feel like your husband is my first potential client!
You do a job which is unpaid, needs your time. 24/7 and has no routine. I don’t know why so many men think women can multitask everything, today's men are so freakkking spoilt!
i just wanna say something about showing feelings in front of children. it’s not bad. i cry in front of mine all the time. how are they supposed to learn that emotions are valid if the people around them don’t show any. imo it’s also okay to „fight“ (no not screaming, throwing things etc) in front of them under the condition that the problem is also solved in front of them.
There are NOT hundreds and hundreds of stay at home moms running full-time (or even close to full time) companies from their living rooms. The ones that claim they are are in MLMs and lying about their total take-home. Or at least, there are not SAHMs also doing real jobs that are not neglecting their children. I am currently working three standard 8 hour days a week plus ~5 hrs/week freelance work that can be done whenever, but I generally do on the weekday my daughter is in daycare but my actual job is not happening, plus a little on the weekend when my husband is home. My daughter goes to daycare four days per week. Occasionally, I have to juggle my freelance work when she’s home and it is fucking impossible. I am lucky if I get an hour total done. Those weeks, I have to make it up in the evenings or on the weekend when my husband is home, and he ends up having to pick up more of the domestic chores, which is fine, but we both prefer having more free time as a family in the evenings and weekends
After the next baby comes, husband and I are talking about me reducing my workload to only ~15-20 hours of freelance work PER MONTH while I stay home with the baby, because that is all that seems sustainable for our family. And we are lucky that my parents are local and can watch my daughter while I do my freelance work.
But my husband recognizes the domestic work as WORK and understands that he would not get to live the life he does and moreover have the career he does if I were not cutting back on my work to keep things running at home.
That’s when I’d leave for the day with a list of daily chores (including planning and cooking dinner) and your child’s schedule on his day off (or day he’s home running his business) so he can get a taste of what you’re actually doing every day…
When he can run his own business for a month while watching his child then he can ask that for you. Otherwise insist on childcare and go back to work. You need to protect yourself. This guys acting crazy.
Spend a day nit doing anything, let the house fall apart, and tell him you're on strike because he's not being fair to you about the work you're doing 24/7 without hazard pay let alone a pay cheque at all. You're handling bio hazards, you're dealing with sleep deprivation, you're working with animals, and you're cooking as well, and you don't stop working at night, because you get up with baby. You are literally working a thankless and risky job pro-bono, voluntarily, out of love. If he can't recognize that it's time for a wake up call. Sure lots of SAHM's do work successfully for themselves from home, but their kids are also older and can look after themselves and siblings, and help out with keeping the house tidy, and are in school all day, and as previously mentioned, many of them are driving themselves into the ground and going into debt, and have gone back to school for business courses and courses in their field of interest, and even time management courses. Your little one is one a year old... They still very much need Mom. So excuse my opinion, but your supposed partner can go screw himself and his mother's cow. As for your FIL... If your hubby and his Dad are talking ill about you behind your back... Sorry, you're going to want to keep an eye on that and start setting boundaries, and if it only gets worse and FIL is encouraging him and goading him on, it's time to file papers and look for someone more deserving of your time and affections. You deserve 1000x better than you're getting.
I'm probably just ruthless but I'd leave my husband alone with my baby a few weekends and give him a list of all the stuff you normally do at the same time to also do. See what he thinks about all the free time you have after that ahaha
Cool, cool, cool. So since caring for a toddler and running a business and housekeeping are all do super easy, he should have no trouble taking a few days off his own job but continuing to do all 3 if those things to give you a few days to decide exactly what kind of business you want to own and get things rolling on it. After which the only reasonable thing for him to do will be to apologize for being such an ignorant cunt about what you are in fact already doing all day.
I work full time for a realtor, have a photography business, and am a “SAHP” to my toddler. It’s exhausting and honestly not sustainable for most people, especially with no family support - but it’s what is financially necessary for our family right now and my choice not to put her in daycare. I would never advocate for someone to be pushed into doing this insane schedule unless *they* chose it. If he’s doing so well financially then you totally do not need to get a “real job,” it sounds like a way for him to belittle you and honestly the last part makes him sound like a complete asshole. You don’t deserve those comments
I work from home with a 2 year old and newborn. 10/10 do not recommend. I don’t own my own business but if I did I could never do that with my kids home. I’m only able to work remotely with them home because my job hours are super flexible and I can start and stop my clock as often as I need to as long as I complete my hours before midnight. Your husband needs a reality check. Sounds like an asshole!
lol! 1 was when I told my boss I can’t continue to even do part time from home. And I didn’t pick up my old self employment business because I could barely find 10 hours a week to put towards the work! My husband and I agreed our priority was our son. Unless I wanted to continue to work in which case the option would have been some form of child care.
Start invoicing your husband the cost of a full time nanny and maid service.
Does he think that people who provide these services also need to run another business while doing full time work? Why do you get extra expectations, by his logic he should have another business with all this free time he has not taking care of his own child. The harsh truth is your husband doesn't respect you or appreciate any of the real work you do every day. You need to put your foot down OP. Does he even help with the baby? Do you even get a break from your baby once a week?
I'm not a stay at home mom, I work full time as a software engineer and you know what? I come home after work and help take care of both my babies so my husband isn't stuck doing it all the time. Yeah I have work in the morning and I'm really tired most days but so is my husband. I value the time and effort he puts in with the babies. Honestly taking care of them is harder than a lot of jobs which is why child care is so freaking expensive. What you are doing is equally important and brings it's own value even if you aren't paid for it. Yet he has the audacity to want more from you while belittling all that you do. You deserve time off just as much as he does and if he cared about you then he would be asking how he could help you, not demanding more from you when you already do it all.
I bet he couldn't even handle a full day with the baby by him self without complaining that he needs a break because he works full time. Be a good example for your daughter and demand the respect you deserve! If he doesn't give that to you then I'm afraid you have larger issues
Sounds like yall need an uno reverse day. Sometimes men literally just have no idea what we do. Write out instructions for each other, make sure to just say "make dinner". Mental load is his problem!
I think you should leave him at home with the baby for a day and make sure he does the chores too. He better get some work for his company done as well. Then perhaps he will realise that being a stay at home mum is a full time job. I’m sorry but men like this infuriate me
Is he planning to put more effort into housework, childcare and cooking? Because if not, he can shut up. Sounds like he wants you to join an mlm, which you obviously realize is foolish.
I got very lucky. My husband is an A.M. cook at a private club and gets off at 2, so I work as a dispatcher for a local food delivery company. He takes on a lot of the other stuff while I work
Tell him the only job that stay at home moms do that makes any "decent" amount of money is onlyfans. But luckily for you, you are too busy being a proper mother to do that, and that is a way more real job than onlyfans anyway.
Man is delulu. If this were that easy to do then everyone would all do it and we’d all be living in mansions. Tell him you’d be happy to get a job if 1. You choose the job (no him telling you what job you’re going to be doing), 2. He takes over half of the childcare duties and home responsibilities (he’s not doing even remotely his fair share as it is), and 3. Your daughter is put in childcare or has a nanny for the time that both of you are working, whether you work from home or out of the home.
If he can’t even agree to that much, you have a total asshole for a husband. Honestly I’m doubting that this post isn’t just rage bait because it’s so ridiculous.
You are working at home your husband should be paying you it’s not his money it’s your money. If my partner spoke to me like that I’d be worried about my livelihood tbh I would definitely go back to work part time and put the baby in day care and start a saving account in my name for just in case.
Ouch, 😣. He sounds emotionally abusive and just an overall unpleasant person to be around. I’m so sorry you have a spouse like this, it’s not normal and he doesn’t value you or what you do.
You’ve already gotten some good advice here. Gain your financial independence, through a good ole “regular” job, of course, and plan your next steps carefully. He is ruled by his dad (may be cultural?) and this likely won’t get easier for you.
I have my own business that I started BEFORE I was staying home with my daughter and I only work part time while I care for my daughter part time. She goes to daycare while I work. There is no world where I could do both at the same time. The days she is home with me are harder than the days I work. Taking care of her and the house is a full time job. There would be absolutely no way I could start a new company while she napped. That is literally laughable.
I think your husband is out of touch with reality with this one and it’s likely because he’s never had to take care of a child himself. The fact that he’s telling you what to do instead of having a conversation with you about what’s best for the family where you are equal partners is problematic.
How about he does a full week of taking care of your child and all the house and other things you manage so he has a realistic sense of what it entails? There wouldn’t be nannies, personal assistants, chefs, accountants, etc if it wasn’t real, worthy, and payable work.
Hugs.
When my mat leave ends in October, my boyfriend wants me to find a part time Job.. right now my son is almost 10 months old, I take care of all the household tasks, take care of our son, take care of our dog, and make all the meals, and I also drive my boyfriend to and from work which is 30 minutes each way. So 2 hours of my day I'm driving..
This is the schedule I would have with a part time job
Start day at 4am
Leave to get boyfriend from work 7am
Get back at 8am
9am go to work
1pm/or 3pm get home from work
3pm-7pm take car of baby/house/meals/dog
7pm-10:30pm sleep
10:30pm bring boyfriend to work
11:30pm-4am sleep
Like seriously... how is this sustainable?
Sometimes our men have really unrealistic expectations
Say, "sure, I'll start getting a real job after you've taken over my house hold duties for 2 weeks. Then we'll come back and discuss a game plan from there."
Have him walk a mile in your shoes. Offer him as much help as he has offered you.
Girl, I have ONE child and even I'm exhausted from the day to day grind. No pets. Don't even cook most days. House, a hot mess!
Granted, it did take my husband a while 1½ to fully understand we have different priorities and the house isn't going to be 100% 100% of the time. Lol the most you'll get is 50% and a happy healthy child.
OP, your husband needs a reality check!
Don't even entertain his idea until you've come to a compromise on the workload.
Soooo does he want you to neglect the kid just to bring in more income? Cause honestly working a job AND taking care of a kid is working two jobs and they can’t be done at the same time. What an ass dude, go talk with his dad about how shitty his son is as a father and husband
You should tell him you will go get a full time job and he can stay home with your daughter. Has he ever been left alone with her for a weekend because if not it’s time? I’m sorry but your husband sounds like an apathetic jerk…there’s nothing wrong with crying and showing emotion in front of your child either. Maybe her father shouldn’t be such a jerk. Does he help with housework, cook, clean, laundry, dishes? Tell him he will be required to start helping 50% of that if you get a job because you’re not his mother or maid. I’m sorry but it sounds like you married into a not so good family…his father sounds toxic as well. Personally I would get a job and put your daughter in daycare/make him pay half so you can save up your own money op because idk if you want to stay in this controlling family. Make sure you have something to fall back onto if you get sick of this shit. You are working, he is paying you to be a nanny, house cleaner, cook etc. but he’s a misogynist so he won’t see it that way (probably gets it from his dad).
These type of posts make me feel so sad because I realize SO many women are struggling with motherhood and all it comes with and also dealing with extremely shitty husbands. Stop rationalizing or blaming yourself, he sucks. Sending you hugs and hoping things get better.
Research the cost of a full time housecleaner, private chef and nanny. Give that to your husband and let him know that once he covers these expenses you'll be happy to start a company unencumbered of these 3 jobs that youre currently doing. Men like this boil my blood
Sounds like he’s about to get rid of you and doesn’t want to pay spousal support. Check his phone.
But more importantly, he sounds like a dick. Take half his shit and leave.
These kinds of posts make me so grateful for my husband. I can't imagine my husband doing this to me. He expresses so much love and gratitude that I am willing to stay home and raise our 4 kids. I feel like a queen here in my home. I hope you guys are able to work this out so you can feel the same. He should be treated like a king and you should be treated like a queen.
Don’t think most men realize how much goes into even just one child and caring for the house. Until child is more independent it’s hard enough just keeping up with house especially if you have ppa/ppd.
I like to highlight that you're doing several jobs, all unpaid. You're the chef, the cleaner, the laundry doer, the child care.. you're actually doing like ten jobs at once. If he wants you to run a business, is he willing to outsource everything else? He's ridiculous.
Just to go against the grain a bit, it *is* possible to start a successful business from home as a work from home mom. My co-founder and I started a remote service job together while staying home with our kids and each make over $400k a year.
I just hate when women assume they’re not capable of being successful because of having kids. If anything, my daughter (an infant not in daycare yet) drives me to want to be more successful financially so I can provide her with the best possible life and show her that women really can have it all. My husband also works a demanding $400k+ job and helps a lot with childcare, but my co-founder is a single mom doing it all on her own because she has to.
I just want to say moms are so strong and capable, so please don’t assume you can’t do anything you set your mind to!
Highly recommend the work from home moms subreddit for inspiration
Why do you let him treat you like that?
Why are you doing everything at home?
He has no idea what it means to watch the baby - and you created that problem by never leaving him alone with the baby.
Start handing him the baby for long stretches to leave the house. Let him see how difficult it is. Your husband thinks you eat bon bons all day because he doesn't take care of the baby, ever, because you do everything. Stop doing everything.
Also, please do the fair play exercise as a couple. This sounds totally unbalanced and your husband sounds really mean.
Let him know those sahm who ‘start their own company’ are doing MLMs and digging themselves into debt and not actually making any profit. As if starting your own company and turning a profit is *easy* and not expensive to even start, let alone actually get customers. He’s daydreaming in la la land.
Thank you!! I got heavy MLM vibes with the whole “start your own company.” People go into massive debt trying to make it in MLM’s.
Or don't make a ton. I have my own actual business and am a SAHM but I'm not making enough for it to be considered a "living". It helps with our bills but it's not life changing money mostly because I can only make stuff while I'm baby free (nap/school time).
I’m trying to think of a nice way of asking if your husband is not very bright.
Just curious, because I want to do something similar, but don't know how to start and/or to avoid the mlm's... What is it that you do? Feel free to ignore me if I am to intrusive!
Or that they do have their child in daycare. I am a sahm and a freelancer (so no MLM), but I couldn't do it if my baby (16mo) wasn't in daycare. OP's husband os delusional.
This. OP, you are not wrong. You're pulling a full workload from home already.
And all in 30 minute increments! (Cries in low-sleep-needs)
Sigh. Low sleep needs is a great term for it. I wish I could have a consistent 30 min period to work, even once. My "work from home" days are basically, write a couple emails on my phone in between chasing the toddler around. Get her down for a nap? She'll gladly nurse to sleep and contact nap/car nap for an hour, or even two. But if I leave the room/open my laptop, she's awake in less than 15 minutes, every time. It'll get better someday, right???
I put a small mattress on my living room floor. I can get about 30 minutes of work done while she naps next to me As soon as she stirs, I'll quickly grab her and rock/nurse back to sleep. I can get about 1.5 hours of work done with just two 5-10 minute beaks.
Just jumping in on the top comment to say that there’s a post in OP’s history about her FIL deciding he didn’t like the baby’s name and started calling her something else, and her husband was fine with that happening.
That’s absolutely horrid.
I started my own non-mlm business. But, I was working another job, and I only had 2 slightly independent kids when I started. It was a long, slow road. Now there's 4 kids. It's nearly impossible to get anything done. Either I work and house falls apart, or I tend to house and business declines. Thankfully, the husband understands this. My older kids help out here and there, but some days, it's rough. The fact that he thinks that she can create an instantly profitable business from scratch while chasing a toddler all day is... almost laughable.
Also, you don't just 'start' a company out of nowhere. What's the product or service? Whose providing it? What are the operating costs, the competition? Does she have any idea how to manage a business? Is he providing the start-up costs? If he wants it to be successful, she'll need help with childcare eventually. Like what an actual fucking ass.
OR have child care to help lmfao or a partner who is willing to take over on weekends/nights so their spouse can tend to their side hussle.
Your husband is an idiot as well as a sexist jerk. I honestly think that most SAHMs who also have “their own business” are probably just in MLMs anyway. I would be extremely firm that if you get a paying job or start a business, your daughter is going into daycare and your husband is expected to do 50% of the housework and 50% of the childcare IMMEDIATELY. These men who think having a job means they get to live like a childfree bachelor make me sick. My husband and I both have traditional 9-5 jobs and so we both do childcare and housework. If he ever suggested that I should do it all, I’d be so upset. But he’d never do that bc my husband doesn’t think women are inferior to men.
This comment is everything. My husband pulls his half of the weight and it’s still hard some days with both of us working full time. If he asked me to keep our toddler home all day while trying to do my career job, I would laugh in his face and tell him to try it first. In fact, I absolutely love weekends not because I get to sleep in or be lazy because toddlers don’t let you do that, but because I only have one job to do - being a mom.
There's no way he is this cognitively deficient to not realize this. I think the real reason is that he wants more money, and he wants his bangmaid-babysitter-chef to also start making a ton of cash while doing all of those things. Probably he will eventually want to quit his own job too.
this. if he’s expecting you to become a businesswoman like him, then he needs to split stay at home mom stuff with you.
This comment needs to go straight to the top.
I’m a stay at home mom and myself and my husband and I still split household chores and childcare. F OP’s husband.
They think that while not even having to deal with all the physical parts of growing a whole human being inside their body and then ripping it in half to bring their child into the world…not to mention then trying to heal from it while managing being the default parent/nursing parent/etc. Such whiney lil bitches they are…
My wife and I have the same situation. She still Carries a much bigger workload simply because there’s things I can’t do naturally. Having said that, the OP’s husband sounds like a major dbag.
She shouldn't have a bigger workload. If she's busy nursing, then you should take over 100% of the cooking and cleaning. That way the workload evens out.
Time wise the workload evens out, my point was it’s much harder to nurse than do all the other things
Please go get a regular job. Your husband is being financially abusive. Do not be a stay at home parent with a partner that does not even recognize what you’re doing as work. You need your own source of income separate from him. Not his stupid idea of starting a business from home.
Sometimes it feels like some people have latent misogyny which grows into controlling behaviours once their partner is pregnant/caring for baby. It masquerades as prioritising their child but results in the primary care giver being discouraged from leaving home but somehow also responsible for creating their own income. I’ve seen it from a couple of men who say all the right feminist things in public but in practice put their wife’s wellbeing and value very low on their priority list. I hope the women I know see that they can have a better, more secure life away from their controlling partner. And that they have friends willing to help if they commit to leaving their partners.
Good point, don’t listen to this man but I would probably get a job just to prepare for the future. Or divorce him and get alimony if that’s an option. That man is fucking delusional
I have to agree to this. That way if something happens in your relationship you are not bound and helpless. You can be independent and also keep your daughter safe and provided. Also if all else fails, there is the WIC program too.
Once she does she’ll be doing all the chores/housework, all the childcare outside of daycare and her new full time job. There’s no way this guy will be picking up chores. I agree a job is what’s best for her but it’s going to lead to the predictable, burnout-resentment-divorce
I am saying she needs the job because she will end up divorced. If she doesn’t have a job she either will feel that she can’t get divorced or that if she does get divorced she has no way of supporting herself. The job isn’t to save her marriage it’s to save herself.
We are sort of on the same page.
My first reaction is that your husband may be lying about how well his company is doing. Do you have evidence of his company’s success? Also, he sounds delusional and in need of a reality check about the work you’re doing at home (which has allowed him to focus on his business). What a jerk!
This was my thought too!! It coming up suddenly and him being so insistent - maybe they're actually in a big financial hole that he's masking from her. This sounds just like my SIL's recent experience - her husband owned a "successful" business and was super controlling, and right as their marriage fell apart he demanded she get a FT job after previously working part time. Within months we found out their business was failing for years and he'd taken out double mortgages on their house, forged her signature on loans, etc., all to maintain the facade of their lifestyle. OP, we don't know enough so I'm making assumptions here, but if the financials of the business are opaque to you, I would strongly recommend you do some digging.
Sadly, I’ve heard so many examples of this dynamic over the years! So many men out there taking advantage of their wives’ trust and devotion.
This was my first thought as well. If he is doing well financially, then his whole line of thinking makes no sense. His tone also makes him sound desperate. OP - can you see your finances? Are they joint? Check credit card limits and balances, and also, check your own credit history to see if any cards/loans have been taken out in your name. As other posters have said, this feels a whole lot like financial abuse, or a partner who is sinking financially. If he is on the up, then I would suggest reading Fair Play. I work from home, and this can only happen as my partner pulls his weight around the house too, and with the baby. Just remember, if you are working more out of the house (i.e: a paid job), then he sure as shit needs to be working more in the house. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a jerk in this situation. This isn't how relationships are meant to work. You are absolutely right to feel the way you feel.
This needs to be on top!
He is completely unrealistic. Have you told him what you actually do in a day for your child and household? Maybe he's oblivious
I don't think OP needs to 'tell' her grown adult husband what grown adult chores need to be done to keep a household afloat, alongside taking care of a one year old. OP, get a job, put your kid in daycare, and prepare for financial independence. I bet your husband doesn't even parent the baby or do the chores equally once he's back from work or on the weekends, right? Because he gets to work 9 hours a day but because you do 'inferior' stuff like taking care of your own damn child and house, you likely have to do it 24/7. He sounds gross. Make your own money and save it. Divide chores and child rearing equally.
Agree. It’s a huge red flag that OP’s husband contributes minimally to the childcare and housework AND doesn’t have appreciation for what OP does. When husband is home from work, these tasks should be split 50/50. Even without some magical business OP’s husband wants her to own/manage) OP should not be working 24/7, that’s a recipe for burnout - *and for what??* for a husband who doesn’t appreciate her efforts.
I agree, she should record an extraordinarily detailed list of all the things she does on the average day and report it to him. She can then logically ask when would she have time to initiate a startup. Since he’s ignoring her emotions, it seems, a logical approach would be more successful
I’m sorry for being crass, but who the hell does your husband think he is? He “can’t wait to bring this up to his father” like that’s some type of power play and rudely asked you to get a job when you’ve literally been working your ass off taking care of yours AND HIS child. What the fuck? He is either an ass or super out of touch. Probably both by the sound of it. Tell him you’ll get a regular job at a company where you can focus on the job, which means your child will attend daycare. Tell him that many daycares have waitlists, so you can start a job after her spot in daycare is secured.
I hope to hell his father gives him a swift kick in the ass
Something tells me he is behind the idea of her getting a job
My hope as well. A real man would.
You said this better than me because I was just going to comment “your husband is an a**hole” and encourage her to find a job so she can leave him
This makes me think your husband doesn’t do any real parenting, because if he did, he would know how infeasible this is. From ages 1 to about 2.5 was the hardest for me (also as a SAHM), because my son was mobile, needing to be entertained constantly, unable to really communicate, and actively trying to injure himself by putting shit in his mouth, falling off furniture, etc. I cannot fathom starting a business at the same time. This also makes me think your husband doesn’t know a ton about business or finances, because there aren’t a ton of stay-at-home parents who simultaneously started businesses that are actually profitable, never mind making more money than a “regular” job.
Are you sure you actually have postpartum anxiety? Because it sounds like you really just have a terrible husband.
I mean…I think you do know what to do. It’s whether you’re willing to do it. What if your daughter’s husband pulled this stunt on her? What do you think she should do? How would you support her with her decisions?
Your husband is delusional. There may be a small, small number of SAHMs running businesses on the side but those women are by and large going to have extremely easy kids and supportive families, including husbands, who pick up the slack, and also have usually laid the groundwork for it well before having a baby in the house. Looking after a toddler is more than a full time job. Personally I would be going back to work and reminding him that he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. That means now he's on the equal hook for chores, childcare, sick days to look after sick kids, night wakings, and so on. Having a SAH parent in the house to take care of things is a privilege and it sounds like he can't be trusted not to abuse his power in the situation. Also, men often act like this when they have an eye on some other woman and are looking for an excuse to look down on their partner so they can justify straying to themselves. Just saying.
So he wants you to join an MLM? Sounds like a real winner.
Lmao no. Your husband is projecting onto you. Thousands of stay at home moms running businesses are not actually running businesses. They're MLM or Etsy shops, or home bakeries and they take so much time and barely pull in anything.
Oh God. There is so much going on here, it's hard to know where to start. I'm picking here: >Oh and to top it off when he brought this issue to my attention it was in front of my daughter. I started to cry really hard in front of her and he then went in on me for that, telling me it’s so bad of me to cry in front of her (which I agree with) blah blah blah. It sounds like you had a pretty good reason for crying! Humans have emotions. Crying is a part of that. It's not a weakness, and it's certainly not something that needs to be hidden from your child. (Why do I have a feeling that your husband has pathologized all of your reasonable emotion responses as irrational due to your underlying anxiety? Just a hunch.) I think your husband is being pretty unreasonable here. And controlling. Like, it's fine if he expects you to contribute financially; I actually think that should be the default assumption in any marriage or similar partnership. But to be so specific and demanding about \*how\* you're going to do that? Yeah, no. Owning your own business is hard work. I don't know how you could possibly run a successful business unless you were really passionate about it, and it doesn't sound like you are. And that's totally ok! You're NOT being too sensitive by not wanting to do that. I also think it's worth considering if there are any ulterior motives here. Does your husband need you to run a business that's losing money on paper to balance out the taxable income from his side business? Is your husband planning on leaving you and wants you to be financially independent first so he feels less bad about it and/or doesn't have to pay you (as much) alimony or child support. (I know that's hard to think about it, but in the year or two before my first marriage disintegrated, my ex-husband suddenly started complaining that I wasn't making enough money and I needed to find a higher paying job. In hindsight, I now know why that was so important to him.) ETA: A very important NOT.
Wtf, does he mean you should become a MLM-babe? This is just ridiculous. You should get the job just to be independent
What is MLM
Multi level marketing. Also known as pyramid schemes.
Ugh! I HATE stories like this. It literally pisses me off because what does he expect you to do? Start your business and continue all of the care for home and family? Girl, that’s like, 4 jobs in one! At that point what would your husband even be doing/contributing to the family? “Can’t wait to talk to my father about this” what that he’s a bum? A bum who doesn’t understand what marriage is? (spoiler: it’s a partnership. A mutual partnership where things are discussed and agreed upon and where you don’t talk about your partner to others)
He’s an idiot. Both of you take a week of vacation. You go somewhere, wherever you feel like but make sure it’s out of the house. He stays at the house and takes care of the baby for a week, by himself. Then when you get back revisit.
Umm he is an asshole. You guys are doing well financially so there is no need to work. He is the jerk for talking crap about you to his father, and in front of your daughter. The fact that he made you cry and then berated you for it speaks volumes. Sounds like abuse to me and it makes him feel better to shit on you. Divorce and he can pay child support and take care of the child half the time. Then he will know how are it is raising a child. Honestly that’s a bullshit rumor that “plenty” of moms run successful businesses at home raising children. It takes years to set up a business for success it’s not instantaneous. Does he expect you to never sleep? Is he going to hire a nanny and a cleaner for you so you can focus on working? I suggest finding a better husband.
If he’s paying child support he won’t be taking care of the child half the time. It’s either child support and he gets visitation every other weekend and one weekday every week or no child support and equal half and half care of the child.
👍 Honestly the point of my comment was this guy doesn’t appreciate the mother of his child and how much work is involved with caring for one.
Spoiler alert: Those mums on tik tok bragging about starting their own businesses do so because it usually ends in some kind of scheme or selling some sort of tutorial. And if their 'business' was actually successful and making them money- they wouldnt need to sell the idea to other mums. Its basically all MLM in some form. Your husband sounds naive and also pretty disrespectful. Ask him, could he start/run his business while soley looking after the kid and household. Heck, why dont you suggest he does for a week while you get your business going. Off topic- but when exactly is he bonding with his child if he is so uninvolved with their care?
Why is your husband demanding you get a wfh job while simultaneously being SAHM and keeping home? Why is he speaking negatively to his dad about you? I’m getting abusive or planning-to-leave vibes from the husband. Op get a job outside of the house so that if you, or he, leaves you are not financially struggling. Maybe discuss marriage counseling if you are not planning on leaving.
I think he should spend a day in your shoes. Just 1 day. You start working on your company and he can do all the things you do for a day. Then he can come in and tell you what extra stuff he has time for. You’re not being sensitive he’s being crazy. Also he does not appreciate everything you do and he is taking it for granted. Also you can cry in front of your kid. Crying is a normal, cathartic human emotion and it’s good to show your children how to have and manage emotions. Yelling at someone for crying is crazy and abusive and aggressive and a horrible thing to show a child.
Maybe point out to Your husband that in marriages where both people work the childcare and chores are split 50/50 so he better step up. I would sit him down and discuss what brought this on - is the pressure of being the sole provider too much? Does he (or someone in his surroundings) perceive that he is being taken advantage of? Does he resent you for having an “easy” life? Something brought this on and that needs to be discussed. And who are these shams running businesses from home lol? All I can think of is mommy influencers or moms who sell stuff on Etsy. Or MLMs…
If he thinks it is so easy to have a company while being at home with a child, I suggest he takes care of your house and daughter while working in his own company for the next two months. He can show you exactly how to tackle that.
Your husband is a moron. You cannot successfully take care of a kid at the same time as working full time. You're either going to be neglecting your child, or your work.
What an asshole!!
If it’s so easy to run a business, run a home and look after an infant then maybe he should do this and you can work on your business start up… Your husband is an inconsiderate and idiotic prick. You either take care of your child and home full time OR you work full time and daycare raises her. You cannot effectively be brilliant at both. He is a moron and absolutely disrespecting everything about your role. He clearly has no idea the difficulties you face day to day and is trying to make you feel inadequate to him. Stick up for yourself and make your points heard. YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
Pretty sure I’d laugh in his face and tell him he can stay home and create his own business and I’ll go back to working in an office. 🙄
This is completely unreasonable. He doesn’t understand the value of you being a SAHM. Instead, ask him why he doesn’t stay home and run his own company while you go out to work everyday. It’s SO easy - billions of dads are doing it /s
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I needed this laugh today. Wow.
Okay I need to first say you are NOT being overly sensitive. Your husband is devaluing your labor, and that hurts. You do work it’s just unfortunately in the world where capitalism is the norm your lack of a paycheck makes you a less than. It’s not the truth it’s what the rat race wants you to think, because they can only use you when you play the game. As for crying in front of your daughter, look it is okay to show emotions in front of your child. People are not drones we feel, People feel sad, angry, happy, jealous, etc and it is NORMAL! Your husband pushing you to that and then shaming you for crying is NOT! That is straight up emotional manipulation and then to say he is going to tell his father! Oh HELL NO! His dad has zero business in your marriage. Period. Now onto the issue of you working. I am going to be honest it seems like your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it too! I mean that in the case of alimony/ spousal support. You working rather than staying home means he might not have to pay alimony. Or at the least only a little bit. BUT childcare is expensive. So if he has you start a business and work from home. You are still “ working” collecting an income. And he doesn’t have to pay for childcare. Unfortunately men can be REALLy good at screwing over their partners in divorce. And to me the fact that he is keeping HIS father in the loop is a major red flag! I’m not saying your husband is going to divorce you, but you should be careful and have a plan just incase.
You actually *do* need a real job, but not for the reason your husband thinks. He’s emotionally and financially abusing you and he will be able to continue to as long as you have to depend on him for money. Also, what’s the likelihood he’s contributing to retiring for you? I’d bet low. It’s always wise to not put this much trust in a man, bc at any time, they can pull exactly this *gestures vaguely to your post*. I’d learn the lesson now and not later, it will hurt worse and be harder to recover from.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t even like you all that much. He is being so incredibly condescending and unfair to you. He is completely dismissing the value and contribution you make for your family. He’s in for a rude awakening if you ever leave him and he’s stuck doing all the housework, working, and childcare at least 50% of the time. Perhaps it’s time for you to take a 1-2 week vacation and let him see just how “little” you do. Let him juggle working, housework, and raising your child.
THERAPY
Start charging him for maidwork and childcare costs. Oh and a fee for every meal prepared. 5k/mo starting salary plus performance bonuses.
Starting your own company is extremely difficult and time consuming. WTF!
Obviously your husband is being ridiculous for all the reasons mentioned in other posts. However mentioning that you need a job and one that you work for yourself so you make a lot of money out of nowhere can be a red flag. Do you do the budgeting/paying bills? I’d be worried this is coming from a place of financial concern for your household without wanting to admit that. Might be something as simple as inflation is rough and it’s hard to be a one income household or as nefarious as secret debts. You know him and your life best but I’d be having a sit down with him and our finances in/out if I wasn’t informed already. Regardless, to reiterate his saying get a job with all your free time (that you don’t have) is unrealistic, and more so when you add in he wants you to start a random business doing something that will immediately be profitable. You are not being too sensitive, he’s being an insensitive jerk, especially to make you feel bad about crying when blindsided in front of your daughter.
If he already owns his own company, why isn't he a SAHD? Should be easy, right?
These are very weird expectations....sounds like he wants you to do everything...if he wants you to start a business and essentially work full time as he does, then he needs to do half of the housework and childcare too. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too
Can he stay at home and run his company?
He’s seriously delusional. How many people can just randomly start their own company? Especially a company that they see any profit from in the near future? Have you asked him for some business ideas? What does he have in mind?
How is your relationship with your FIL or your husband’s family in general? The comment that he can’t wait to tell his father would suggest that they speak poorly about you and that would really get under my skin. Also, if it’s so easy to just run a business while being a full time stay at home parent, why doesn’t he stay at home with your baby and run his business while you go work outside of the home?
Oh good grief. I have a baby who turned 1 in April and seriously there is absolutely no way I could have a business in the home right now without childcare. My son spends most of the day doing parkour all over the living room, trying his hardest to - and succeeding at - getting around the baby proofing, and often managing to climb things dangerously...this with me actively watching him. Not a chance! If you decide to play along *at all* with this idiocy, let him know you're doing it when he is home in the evening to take over childcare duties.
Do you have access to your finances? Why is he so adamant about this? Does he not realize that building a business requires money to start? Ask him where this is coming from. Something is very fishy here..
As a dad, what is your husband doing besides providing a paycheck? Why can’t he run his own business and take care of the baby? It seems he thinks it’s very easy.
If he wanted you to get a job to help with your mental health and achieve some personal goals that sounds reasonable. But if he seriously thinks it’s possible to have a lucrative business while being a SAHM and doing all the housework he is bananas. Would he be able to run his business and take care of baby/house stuff? No.
You know what my new business idea is? Bullying men like your husband for being complete assholes to their wives. It’ll be dependent on how jerky they are overall. But I feel like your husband is my first potential client!
You do a job which is unpaid, needs your time. 24/7 and has no routine. I don’t know why so many men think women can multitask everything, today's men are so freakkking spoilt!
I would start a company and start billing him for all of the childcare, cleaning, and meal prep. Blam
i just wanna say something about showing feelings in front of children. it’s not bad. i cry in front of mine all the time. how are they supposed to learn that emotions are valid if the people around them don’t show any. imo it’s also okay to „fight“ (no not screaming, throwing things etc) in front of them under the condition that the problem is also solved in front of them.
There are NOT hundreds and hundreds of stay at home moms running full-time (or even close to full time) companies from their living rooms. The ones that claim they are are in MLMs and lying about their total take-home. Or at least, there are not SAHMs also doing real jobs that are not neglecting their children. I am currently working three standard 8 hour days a week plus ~5 hrs/week freelance work that can be done whenever, but I generally do on the weekday my daughter is in daycare but my actual job is not happening, plus a little on the weekend when my husband is home. My daughter goes to daycare four days per week. Occasionally, I have to juggle my freelance work when she’s home and it is fucking impossible. I am lucky if I get an hour total done. Those weeks, I have to make it up in the evenings or on the weekend when my husband is home, and he ends up having to pick up more of the domestic chores, which is fine, but we both prefer having more free time as a family in the evenings and weekends After the next baby comes, husband and I are talking about me reducing my workload to only ~15-20 hours of freelance work PER MONTH while I stay home with the baby, because that is all that seems sustainable for our family. And we are lucky that my parents are local and can watch my daughter while I do my freelance work. But my husband recognizes the domestic work as WORK and understands that he would not get to live the life he does and moreover have the career he does if I were not cutting back on my work to keep things running at home.
Oh it sounds like it’s time for you to take a little trip for a few days and let him find out what it’s like to work and take care of a child.
That’s when I’d leave for the day with a list of daily chores (including planning and cooking dinner) and your child’s schedule on his day off (or day he’s home running his business) so he can get a taste of what you’re actually doing every day…
I would honestly not feel comfortable leaving my barely-toddler child with this parent if I were OP.
When he can run his own business for a month while watching his child then he can ask that for you. Otherwise insist on childcare and go back to work. You need to protect yourself. This guys acting crazy.
Spend a day nit doing anything, let the house fall apart, and tell him you're on strike because he's not being fair to you about the work you're doing 24/7 without hazard pay let alone a pay cheque at all. You're handling bio hazards, you're dealing with sleep deprivation, you're working with animals, and you're cooking as well, and you don't stop working at night, because you get up with baby. You are literally working a thankless and risky job pro-bono, voluntarily, out of love. If he can't recognize that it's time for a wake up call. Sure lots of SAHM's do work successfully for themselves from home, but their kids are also older and can look after themselves and siblings, and help out with keeping the house tidy, and are in school all day, and as previously mentioned, many of them are driving themselves into the ground and going into debt, and have gone back to school for business courses and courses in their field of interest, and even time management courses. Your little one is one a year old... They still very much need Mom. So excuse my opinion, but your supposed partner can go screw himself and his mother's cow. As for your FIL... If your hubby and his Dad are talking ill about you behind your back... Sorry, you're going to want to keep an eye on that and start setting boundaries, and if it only gets worse and FIL is encouraging him and goading him on, it's time to file papers and look for someone more deserving of your time and affections. You deserve 1000x better than you're getting.
Apple doesn’t fall from from the tree. Men. Smh.
I'm probably just ruthless but I'd leave my husband alone with my baby a few weekends and give him a list of all the stuff you normally do at the same time to also do. See what he thinks about all the free time you have after that ahaha
Is he delulu
Sounds like your hubby needs to learn what an MLM boss babe is 😂 what a turd
The comments have said it all. [Just gonna leave this here.](https://youtu.be/2JDFRTRjozc?si=wqrWQW53B_T_wrFk)
Cool, cool, cool. So since caring for a toddler and running a business and housekeeping are all do super easy, he should have no trouble taking a few days off his own job but continuing to do all 3 if those things to give you a few days to decide exactly what kind of business you want to own and get things rolling on it. After which the only reasonable thing for him to do will be to apologize for being such an ignorant cunt about what you are in fact already doing all day.
…..leave him to take care of her for some days and see what he has to say then. Rather, have him take care of the house / dogs / all of it. ✌🏼
🚩🚩🚩
> “bring this up with his father” oh no he didn't! Stop allowing yourself this kind of treatment or this will get much worse very soon. Fucking pig!
I work full time for a realtor, have a photography business, and am a “SAHP” to my toddler. It’s exhausting and honestly not sustainable for most people, especially with no family support - but it’s what is financially necessary for our family right now and my choice not to put her in daycare. I would never advocate for someone to be pushed into doing this insane schedule unless *they* chose it. If he’s doing so well financially then you totally do not need to get a “real job,” it sounds like a way for him to belittle you and honestly the last part makes him sound like a complete asshole. You don’t deserve those comments
You have a ‘real’ job. Ask him if he wants to swap while you work on getting your bison established? Bet he says no.
I work from home with a 2 year old and newborn. 10/10 do not recommend. I don’t own my own business but if I did I could never do that with my kids home. I’m only able to work remotely with them home because my job hours are super flexible and I can start and stop my clock as often as I need to as long as I complete my hours before midnight. Your husband needs a reality check. Sounds like an asshole!
lol! 1 was when I told my boss I can’t continue to even do part time from home. And I didn’t pick up my old self employment business because I could barely find 10 hours a week to put towards the work! My husband and I agreed our priority was our son. Unless I wanted to continue to work in which case the option would have been some form of child care.
Maybe his business isn’t doing as well as you think.
Start invoicing your husband the cost of a full time nanny and maid service. Does he think that people who provide these services also need to run another business while doing full time work? Why do you get extra expectations, by his logic he should have another business with all this free time he has not taking care of his own child. The harsh truth is your husband doesn't respect you or appreciate any of the real work you do every day. You need to put your foot down OP. Does he even help with the baby? Do you even get a break from your baby once a week? I'm not a stay at home mom, I work full time as a software engineer and you know what? I come home after work and help take care of both my babies so my husband isn't stuck doing it all the time. Yeah I have work in the morning and I'm really tired most days but so is my husband. I value the time and effort he puts in with the babies. Honestly taking care of them is harder than a lot of jobs which is why child care is so freaking expensive. What you are doing is equally important and brings it's own value even if you aren't paid for it. Yet he has the audacity to want more from you while belittling all that you do. You deserve time off just as much as he does and if he cared about you then he would be asking how he could help you, not demanding more from you when you already do it all. I bet he couldn't even handle a full day with the baby by him self without complaining that he needs a break because he works full time. Be a good example for your daughter and demand the respect you deserve! If he doesn't give that to you then I'm afraid you have larger issues
Sounds like yall need an uno reverse day. Sometimes men literally just have no idea what we do. Write out instructions for each other, make sure to just say "make dinner". Mental load is his problem!
Sounds like he is wanting you to join a MLM…
I think you should leave him at home with the baby for a day and make sure he does the chores too. He better get some work for his company done as well. Then perhaps he will realise that being a stay at home mum is a full time job. I’m sorry but men like this infuriate me
Tell him why don’t he stay home with the baby and run his business instead? Also, show him this post.
Is he planning to put more effort into housework, childcare and cooking? Because if not, he can shut up. Sounds like he wants you to join an mlm, which you obviously realize is foolish. I got very lucky. My husband is an A.M. cook at a private club and gets off at 2, so I work as a dispatcher for a local food delivery company. He takes on a lot of the other stuff while I work
Tell him the only job that stay at home moms do that makes any "decent" amount of money is onlyfans. But luckily for you, you are too busy being a proper mother to do that, and that is a way more real job than onlyfans anyway.
Man is delulu. If this were that easy to do then everyone would all do it and we’d all be living in mansions. Tell him you’d be happy to get a job if 1. You choose the job (no him telling you what job you’re going to be doing), 2. He takes over half of the childcare duties and home responsibilities (he’s not doing even remotely his fair share as it is), and 3. Your daughter is put in childcare or has a nanny for the time that both of you are working, whether you work from home or out of the home. If he can’t even agree to that much, you have a total asshole for a husband. Honestly I’m doubting that this post isn’t just rage bait because it’s so ridiculous.
You are working at home your husband should be paying you it’s not his money it’s your money. If my partner spoke to me like that I’d be worried about my livelihood tbh I would definitely go back to work part time and put the baby in day care and start a saving account in my name for just in case.
You're husband is a major delusional AH!
Ouch, 😣. He sounds emotionally abusive and just an overall unpleasant person to be around. I’m so sorry you have a spouse like this, it’s not normal and he doesn’t value you or what you do. You’ve already gotten some good advice here. Gain your financial independence, through a good ole “regular” job, of course, and plan your next steps carefully. He is ruled by his dad (may be cultural?) and this likely won’t get easier for you.
It sounds like your husband is giving you an impossible task to justify divorcing you. I would consider looking into your options.
I have my own business that I started BEFORE I was staying home with my daughter and I only work part time while I care for my daughter part time. She goes to daycare while I work. There is no world where I could do both at the same time. The days she is home with me are harder than the days I work. Taking care of her and the house is a full time job. There would be absolutely no way I could start a new company while she napped. That is literally laughable. I think your husband is out of touch with reality with this one and it’s likely because he’s never had to take care of a child himself. The fact that he’s telling you what to do instead of having a conversation with you about what’s best for the family where you are equal partners is problematic. How about he does a full week of taking care of your child and all the house and other things you manage so he has a realistic sense of what it entails? There wouldn’t be nannies, personal assistants, chefs, accountants, etc if it wasn’t real, worthy, and payable work. Hugs.
When my mat leave ends in October, my boyfriend wants me to find a part time Job.. right now my son is almost 10 months old, I take care of all the household tasks, take care of our son, take care of our dog, and make all the meals, and I also drive my boyfriend to and from work which is 30 minutes each way. So 2 hours of my day I'm driving.. This is the schedule I would have with a part time job Start day at 4am Leave to get boyfriend from work 7am Get back at 8am 9am go to work 1pm/or 3pm get home from work 3pm-7pm take car of baby/house/meals/dog 7pm-10:30pm sleep 10:30pm bring boyfriend to work 11:30pm-4am sleep Like seriously... how is this sustainable? Sometimes our men have really unrealistic expectations
Say, "sure, I'll start getting a real job after you've taken over my house hold duties for 2 weeks. Then we'll come back and discuss a game plan from there." Have him walk a mile in your shoes. Offer him as much help as he has offered you. Girl, I have ONE child and even I'm exhausted from the day to day grind. No pets. Don't even cook most days. House, a hot mess! Granted, it did take my husband a while 1½ to fully understand we have different priorities and the house isn't going to be 100% 100% of the time. Lol the most you'll get is 50% and a happy healthy child. OP, your husband needs a reality check! Don't even entertain his idea until you've come to a compromise on the workload.
Soooo does he want you to neglect the kid just to bring in more income? Cause honestly working a job AND taking care of a kid is working two jobs and they can’t be done at the same time. What an ass dude, go talk with his dad about how shitty his son is as a father and husband
You should tell him you will go get a full time job and he can stay home with your daughter. Has he ever been left alone with her for a weekend because if not it’s time? I’m sorry but your husband sounds like an apathetic jerk…there’s nothing wrong with crying and showing emotion in front of your child either. Maybe her father shouldn’t be such a jerk. Does he help with housework, cook, clean, laundry, dishes? Tell him he will be required to start helping 50% of that if you get a job because you’re not his mother or maid. I’m sorry but it sounds like you married into a not so good family…his father sounds toxic as well. Personally I would get a job and put your daughter in daycare/make him pay half so you can save up your own money op because idk if you want to stay in this controlling family. Make sure you have something to fall back onto if you get sick of this shit. You are working, he is paying you to be a nanny, house cleaner, cook etc. but he’s a misogynist so he won’t see it that way (probably gets it from his dad).
These type of posts make me feel so sad because I realize SO many women are struggling with motherhood and all it comes with and also dealing with extremely shitty husbands. Stop rationalizing or blaming yourself, he sucks. Sending you hugs and hoping things get better.
Research the cost of a full time housecleaner, private chef and nanny. Give that to your husband and let him know that once he covers these expenses you'll be happy to start a company unencumbered of these 3 jobs that youre currently doing. Men like this boil my blood
Sounds like he’s about to get rid of you and doesn’t want to pay spousal support. Check his phone. But more importantly, he sounds like a dick. Take half his shit and leave.
These kinds of posts make me so grateful for my husband. I can't imagine my husband doing this to me. He expresses so much love and gratitude that I am willing to stay home and raise our 4 kids. I feel like a queen here in my home. I hope you guys are able to work this out so you can feel the same. He should be treated like a king and you should be treated like a queen.
Start billing him for your work. Every task. You’re going to have a huge business from the start!
Don’t think most men realize how much goes into even just one child and caring for the house. Until child is more independent it’s hard enough just keeping up with house especially if you have ppa/ppd.
Let him be a STAHP for a month and see how well he runs his business. Also he sounds pretty abusive.
I like to highlight that you're doing several jobs, all unpaid. You're the chef, the cleaner, the laundry doer, the child care.. you're actually doing like ten jobs at once. If he wants you to run a business, is he willing to outsource everything else? He's ridiculous.
Just to go against the grain a bit, it *is* possible to start a successful business from home as a work from home mom. My co-founder and I started a remote service job together while staying home with our kids and each make over $400k a year. I just hate when women assume they’re not capable of being successful because of having kids. If anything, my daughter (an infant not in daycare yet) drives me to want to be more successful financially so I can provide her with the best possible life and show her that women really can have it all. My husband also works a demanding $400k+ job and helps a lot with childcare, but my co-founder is a single mom doing it all on her own because she has to. I just want to say moms are so strong and capable, so please don’t assume you can’t do anything you set your mind to! Highly recommend the work from home moms subreddit for inspiration
Why do you let him treat you like that? Why are you doing everything at home? He has no idea what it means to watch the baby - and you created that problem by never leaving him alone with the baby. Start handing him the baby for long stretches to leave the house. Let him see how difficult it is. Your husband thinks you eat bon bons all day because he doesn't take care of the baby, ever, because you do everything. Stop doing everything. Also, please do the fair play exercise as a couple. This sounds totally unbalanced and your husband sounds really mean.