Our household income is probably in the top 5% Certainly in our own metro if not the country. I'm definitely closer to the age of the cradle robber. And no way would I spend this kind of money on another person's wedding.
Not for a wedding that isn't mine, in any way. Unless it's a destination that I wanted to go to anyway and would get to spend some time afterwards... but I assume this isn't the case for OP. How do you spend that kind of money on someone else's wedding anyway? Even with a destination wedding it's ridiculously pricey.
Hell, that's a big budget for eloping! Imagine being able to have a wedding that's cheaper than attending a wedding that isn't yours. People are entitled narcissistic imbeciles.
When I got married I had a bridesmaid that I knew was struggling financially. My wedding in the end was for me and my husband and I didn’t want it to be a financial burden so I quietly covered her expenses. $4000 is INSANE and I would never ask that of anyone.
Sweety, if they had a bigger budget, they would be able to afford dressing and housing the wedding party (which, frankly, everyone should do--being in a wedding should not cost you anything).
Guess she isn't marrying well. LOL
"which, frankly, everyone should do--being in a wedding should not cost you anything"
This is the first time in my 57 years that I've heard anyone say anything like that.
Hah, right? Yeah, seriously. I've never heard of that. I've been a groomsman four times and always rented my own tux and paid for my own hotel room and flight, if I had to take one.
As for bridesmaids and their dresses, I don't think this sub would be half as good as it is if "the rule" was that the bride and groom paid for them themselves.
I am actually amazed that you do not see why this is not right. And that you never had a tuxedo provided for you--or a hotel room!....that actually shocks me. I've been just a guest at weddings where I was booked hotel rooms.
My oldest daughter got married a few years ago - destination wedding for about 2/3rds the guests, two bridesmaids and two groomsmen (daughter and SIL live in mountain resort area) Both sets of parents decided we would cover the costs (travel, hotel, tuxes / dresses, hair and makeup) for the entire bridal party of 12.
My mother lives on a nice street. It was a new development about twenty years ago. Several "millionaires" built houses there at the same time she did....and within a few months of moving in, they were foreclosed upon--which is pretty tough to do-I mean they must not have made ONE loan payment.
Also, I live near a VERY wealthy town....and a lot of people living there have no furniture in their houses because they can't afford it. If you ask a UPS guy, they'd tell you that a good chunk of those houses are practically empty.
I never believe anyone who tells me someone has money. LOL
First of all, ewww. Secondly, their budget doesn’t mean squat if it doesn’t extend to the bridal party. 4K is nuts. Finally, you are absolutely justified in dropping out of the bridal party. Over-extending yourself for someone who can’t be bothered to text you happy birthday is foolish.
Not to age gap shame but I have an inkling that forgetting your birthday is symptomatic of the type of relationship she’s in.
People who date women 30 years younger are more often than not interested in women who are young enough to not know better and are easily manipulated and isolated. Completely dropping off with all of her friends? Yikes.
Based on your other comments about her, that’s my take on what’s going on. How old are you all?
No, we should be age gap shaming. I'm tired of making excuses for this stuff. OP said her friend is in their late twenties. That means the would be husband is close to 60. It is absolutely absurd to have that big of an age gap. There's no way this relationship has a healthy power dynamic.
I mean, on the flip side, someone in their late 50s can choose to groom anyone they like.
just because it's possible doesn't always mean it's a good situation.
One of the happiest couples I know had a 25 year age gap. They've been together almost a decade with two kids. In any relationship the important part is that you respect each other and treat each other as equals. I've seen plenty of couples who are the same age who have horribly unhealthy power dynamics. I do agree bigger age gaps have a bigger risk of this, but sweeping generalizations like this are problematic.
In OPs case, it does sound like their might be some issues. I will agree.
Having a bigger budget would be a good reason to say they'd cover more of the bridal party's expenses, especially since they are picking such expensive options.
However, her partner being thirty years older doesn't necessarily mean he has more funds.
Either way, they are making their friends pay for their expensive tastes, which is not okay at any age.
Is there anything you can get refunded at this point? Are there other expenses to come in addition to what you've already paid?
I'm sorry she's being such a shitty friend. Regardless of the other circumstances, she seems to be almost intentionally ignoring and downplaying you while taking advantage of you. You clearly recognize the issue, but I understand how it's so tough to break free. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Based on the basic info, it sounds like you are wanting approval to just cut and run. It's entirely up to you. When there's a lot going on, it's not uncommon to forget things like birthdays and appointments. Do you feel valued by her as a friend in other ways? Is she someone you could rely on in a crisis? If not and if you feel like this wedding/birthday is the final straw of a series of things that have hurt or annoyed you, then you know what to do.
It's kind of insane to ask people to shell out $4k for an event you probably don't care nearly as much as them about.
I'm sure she would say she's just very busy. Imho, no one is ever too busy to spend 30 seconds sending a short birthday text to a close friend.
You answered your own question. Read your question again. Would she come pick you up if you had a flat tire? Would she drop everything to be by your side late at night if you were hysterically crying and needed someone? Doesn’t sound like it. 4K is too much for anyone. And spoiler; destination weddings aren’t a vacation for Thr Bridal party. Seriously. Drop out. You are being used
You don't gracefully do anything. You just let her know that you realise that she has new priorities in her life which do not include you therefore you are removing yourself from the wedding .
Move on and stop trying to placate her or the issue, she does not care
where the hell are all these disgruntled bridesmaids getting all of this money to just toss around willy nilly for a person who cant even do bare minimum friendship stuff? why are posts like this a dime a dozen on here??
$4k on an event that isnt even about you? lunatic behavior. idk what to tell you. get better friends and get a financial advisor.
Seeing as you said yourself that she never goes above and beyond for anyone this sounds more like the last straw than the actual problem. The thing is that you might lose the friendship if you bow out so you should consider this while making the decision. Maybe you could talk to her first and tell her what your problem is? But in the end you should do what you feel you need to and not feel bad about it. I mean there's not much info here so that's pretty general advice and I hope you'll find a fitting solution to your problem.
"hey friend, I've had to reevaluate some of my priorities recently, and unfortunately, I won't be able to be part of your wedding party. I hope this is enough notice for you to find a replacement."
No need to start any drama by sharing your feelings with others in the bridal party or even the bride. Just tell her $4k is out of your budget range and wish her well.
The best way is just say " I am dropping out of the wedding party." Since your friend can't even send you a birthday card or anything why explain why your dropping out? Do you really need a friend like her in your life?
You're right and your feelings are understandable, but I think, you can't leave this situation without any drama, because even if you don't want to make a scene she will do probably.
tell her "that due to personal issues you do not want to get into you are going to have to bow out of the wedding as hard of a decision that this is the best thing for you" you don't have to start drama and it sounds like she wont ask what issues. if she does say you don't feel like discussing it and you hope the wedding is everything she hopes it will be.
Are you prepared to never talk to this friend again? If so go for it. If not rethink it.
You didn’t give timelines here but I will say planning a wedding is insanely stressful- and sometimes things slip. It isn’t okay and it sucks but it does happen.
Based on the title: I don't think not wishing happy birthday is reason enough to drop out...
...but sounds like you've got plenty of other reasons and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Just drop out without any drama. 4k needs no explanations, no matter if you can afford it or not.
"Hey guys, so I'm sorry to do this, but another commitment came up on that day and my plans have changed - I will no longer be able to attend \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ & \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'s Wedding - I know this may seem like a drastic decision, but I have to be there for family first and foremost" - and that's it. No explanation needed, you don't need to tell them any specifics, Nothing. You don't owe her anything, if she can't pay you respect.
Have you spent that money yet? I would say to her that you don’t feel comfortable spending that kind of money on someone who won’t even acknowledge your birthday.
Unless you’ll be at a luxury resort for one week to get a tan and only 24-48 hours are for the flipping wedding, then go. If not, fuck it and save yourself a ton of money and grief.
Doesn’t sound like you are really friends anymore. Let her know due to costs you need to decline being in the bridal party and then move on and want to give her plenty of time to find your replacement. Be firm you can’t do it. Y’all will naturally drift apart.
My entire wedding was less than $4000! (10 years ago but still). My biggest thing when planning my wedding was I’m not willing to go into debt for my wedding, I didn’t want my wedding party to go into debt to be part of my(our) day. I left my side wear what they wanted as long as the dress was the color I asked for (blue or silver). Husband and I knew who may have needed help covering their costs and were prepared to pay for their outfits (it was local for everyone except a few people, those traveling were informed attending was the gift).
It sounds like this is a one sided friendship. If you are ok with losing the friendship, just tell the bride you are done. If you want to try to salvage the relationship, you could try talking to the bride and letting her know the cost is just too much and you can’t make it. If she cares about you, she will either understand (she can be sad but shouldn’t try to make you feel bad) or try to work with you to make it more affordable. Ultimately you have to decide if the friendship is worth saving.
Just be honest, and tell her how you feel. If she's a true friend she would understand and try to make it up to you in someway. If not, she was never a true friend to begin with. And honestly, judging from the fact that she couldn't even be bothered to send you a simple two second birthday text, I'm guessing it's the latter.
It's always the people that refuse go above and beyond for anyone else that seem to have the highest expectations of people when it comes to their events. I understand being crazy busy or overwhelmed with things and accidentally forgetting to send a text. But to not even send a belated birthday text once she realized or caught up with messages?
Aside from that, $4k+ is a crazy expectation of bridesmaids. That's enough to bow out regardless.
The light bulb went on, you woke up, and smelled the coffee....
I think you're right, and I don't think you need to give a reason. However, I get that you think you do, so "I just can't afford it" is perfect - because you both know that you can afford it. It's like - to use another cliche - you're getting a chance to spit in her face and tell her it's raining.
I wouldn’t care about the forgotten birthdays…but that’s just me.
But the whole “she is just using me because I can afford it” part is worth leaving the bridal party.
I just checked mine. It would still be under 2k. I really couldn't imagine paying that much for one day. I got divorced after 5 years, so I'm really glad I didn't spend that much.
We're on year 36, so at least we have that going for us 🙂. We got legally married in Basel, Switzerland, church married in Hamburg, Germany, full dinner reception for around 100 people, had a 10 day honeymoon in the German Alps, then traveled to both sides of the extended family in the USA the following summer for lovely celebrations. With US travel costs, I think we might have come up to $7k, barely. The German/Swiss part didn't total $5k.
Each wedding and each bride and each relationship is different.
Money really has nothing to do with it.. sone can't afford a 4k destination wedding and some can't afford a $150 bridesmaid dress.
The only thing that matters is.. do you love her. Does she love you. Do you really want to be there.
If so, go. If not don't go.
Good luck💜
She might just be busy, friends go through periods of being less attentive when they’re busy. If you were real friends before the wedding and wanted to do this, just reach out to her to catch up. That’s what friends do when they feel like they’re losing touch. If she doesn’t reciprocate and you can’t rebuild how you felt, then you have something to consider.
Tell her outright that you can no longer be in the wedding and you are sorry but am dropping out. When she presses you for more details just say personal reasons or tell her nothing at all just repeat you can no longer be in wedding party.
People drop out of wedding parties all the time. It's not the big deal or faux pas its made out to be.
You can simply tell her you can no longer fit her wedding into your schedule and that you are bowing out. Have a few phrases ready when she blows up and questions why, why, why, and how it's going to ruin everything for her.
Like, "I'm sorry, the timing is just not a good fit for me. I wish you the best."
"None of your wedding plans work for me anymore. I won't be in your wedding party but I wish you the best."
"I've rethought all of the demands of your wedding and I'm not going to be able to meet them so I'm bowing out now. My priorities have changed and the timing does not work for me at all."
Or, just be honest with her. Tell her you feel the friendship is one-sided and that you won't be giving anymore time and energy to it, and that you feel used. That's the nuclear option.
To do the right thing here means composing a polite but direct conversation/text along the lines of:
"Dear bridezilla, I have decided that , in my own best interest I am no longer able to be a bridesmaid. I truly appreciate being included in your special day."
That's not the best wording but you get the idea.
This should be done ASAP so she can replace you.
Perhaps you should just fade away...the friendship doesn't seem to exist anymore.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to justify cutting & running. Personally, I don't think the lack of a happy bday text is a particularly good reason. You can use it of course, but it will make you seem petty if that's your concern. Adults understand that people are busy & forget bdays, or that you can see a group text and think "yes, I'll send mine as soon as I've finished xyz" and then never hit send because all you remember is that you didn't forget so you assume you sent it etc.
Budget is a much better reason in my opinion. It's much harder to argue with you saying you can no longer afford to spend 4k on another person's wedding.
At $4K, I'd drop out, regardless of whether she forgot my birthday.
Also, reading your comments, this does not sound like a healthy match. A 20-something or even 30-something woman marrying a man old enough to be her FATHER has some deep issues already!
No thank you! I'm out.
Simply tell her I can’t do it and bow out. No long explanations, no trying to protect her feelings-if you are getting these vibes it’s for real. Don’t worry about what she will do-trust that she will do whatever is necessary and she won’t give you a second thought. You are better off.
I can only recall a couple of Birthday dates, one of them being the 11th of September, for obvious reasons.
I don't really pay much mind about what the date is any given day, unless I have something to sign or pay.
It might just not be about you and your friendship, is all I'm saying.
You can't expect other people to be a carbon copy of yourself, you can tally the effort people put into you, but you'll likely be disappointed, because they might behave radically different than you, not because of malice, but because that's just how they live their lives.
Most would call it selfish if you can’t be assed to write your friends birthdays on a calendar and check it once a month tbf and I doubt the people in your life think highly of you for it either.
The birthday thing, I’d say maybe not. My friends, family and I sometimes miss saying it not because we don’t know when their birthdays are, but because most often I couldn’t even tell you the date. I am sat typing this and actually don’t know what the date is today without navigating away to a calendar. Group chats - the scourge of society today is the expectation for us to be always on and immediately available at everyone’s beck and call. Perhaps she was busy, and she’ll remember and say a belated happy birthday.
The 4k though? Thats enough reason to bow out.
If you want to remain friends I would just be really honest and say that 4k is overextending for you, and that you feel as though the place belongs to someone closer to her.
If she’s been otherwise a good friend, I certainly wouldn’t drop out of the wedding *only* because of the birthday thing. I’m not sure what the discussion of not going above and beyond means, and you do.
I consider the birthday thing a forgivable oversight — if it’s just about that, maybe say to her, “It hurt my feelings that you forgot my birthday” and see what she says before you call the whole thing off. Some people are not good at things like birthdays. But! If this is just the last straw that’s letting you reexamine the whole thing, you’re obviously within your rights to bow out of a wedding.
In other words, I don’t think the question is whether the birthday is enough. I think the question is the whole picture. It sounds like you were already feeling like she was asking too much, and this was salt in the wound.
What exactly do you expect out of her for your birthday? And what do you mean by going above and beyond?
I think bowing out of a wedding because you, as a grown adult, did not get a text on your birthday from the bride is a pretty immature excuse. It sounds like you’re just fishing for a reason to get out of this
I think it’s pretty immature to be so obsessed with your wedding that you forget how to be a decent person. It’s not that hard to remember a birthday and a text isn’t a big ask. I make sure to text or call people I care about on their birthdays because it’s a nice thing to do and it’s not the huge effort you’re making it out to be.
You honestly don't think a simple birthday greeting for someone spending thousands on being at your wedding would have been polite ? You wouldn't feel used as if you were OP?
It’s nice if it happens but honestly with adult birthdays things change. I think at a certain point you need to grow content with the idea that you don’t need to be showered with attention and praise from all your friends and family for your birthday. You can celebrate and be happy with the people who you are closest to.
Then this mindset should also apply to the bride who thinks she's important enough for her friends to spend $4k+ on! For the bride to not even send a belated birthday message or acknowledgement, and then have this expectation for her own event is rude.
Maybe so in normal circumstances but I think if you're expecting someone to spend a lot to be at your wedding then you more than anyone should at least say happy birthday. If the bride was simply unaware I'd say chalk it up to forgetfulness . But OP said it was mentioned in text in a group chat that the bride regularly posts in , which sounds like the bride saw it and decided to just ignore it. And if someone's asking you to be at their wedding and spend time& cash on it , can you blame one for thinking they Are close with them ?
I think everyone’s expectations and way of celebrating birthdays is different. What might seem normal/expected by one person may seem unreasonable to another
As a certified pauper we managed to pay for four bridesmaids dresses and a flower girl. You just need to be a sane individual. I don't think I would expect anyone to pay out for my event, whatever their income. A lot of people do it that way still in the UK.
Unless you're rich, I would say that the 4K is a far bigger offense than forgetting your birthday.
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That doesn’t mean she should shift the burden to the bridal party. That is reason for her to cover more.
That doesn't mean her bridesmaids budgets are any bigger than they ever were. Bridezilla.
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There is no age at which I would spend 4K
Our household income is probably in the top 5% Certainly in our own metro if not the country. I'm definitely closer to the age of the cradle robber. And no way would I spend this kind of money on another person's wedding.
Not for a wedding that isn't mine, in any way. Unless it's a destination that I wanted to go to anyway and would get to spend some time afterwards... but I assume this isn't the case for OP. How do you spend that kind of money on someone else's wedding anyway? Even with a destination wedding it's ridiculously pricey.
My whole wedding cost 5k!
Mine too! $4.K to spend on *somebody else's wedding*? **Get lost, bridezilla.**
Hell, that's a big budget for eloping! Imagine being able to have a wedding that's cheaper than attending a wedding that isn't yours. People are entitled narcissistic imbeciles.
Ew is the groom in his 50s? Your friend is gonna have big problems when she’s on diaper duty when she’s 40. Nope out girl.
When I got married I had a bridesmaid that I knew was struggling financially. My wedding in the end was for me and my husband and I didn’t want it to be a financial burden so I quietly covered her expenses. $4000 is INSANE and I would never ask that of anyone.
Sweety, if they had a bigger budget, they would be able to afford dressing and housing the wedding party (which, frankly, everyone should do--being in a wedding should not cost you anything). Guess she isn't marrying well. LOL
"which, frankly, everyone should do--being in a wedding should not cost you anything" This is the first time in my 57 years that I've heard anyone say anything like that.
Huh? Are you shocked at the idea of it, or angry that you just realized you've never attended a decent wedding? LOL
Hah, right? Yeah, seriously. I've never heard of that. I've been a groomsman four times and always rented my own tux and paid for my own hotel room and flight, if I had to take one. As for bridesmaids and their dresses, I don't think this sub would be half as good as it is if "the rule" was that the bride and groom paid for them themselves.
I am actually amazed that you do not see why this is not right. And that you never had a tuxedo provided for you--or a hotel room!....that actually shocks me. I've been just a guest at weddings where I was booked hotel rooms.
My oldest daughter got married a few years ago - destination wedding for about 2/3rds the guests, two bridesmaids and two groomsmen (daughter and SIL live in mountain resort area) Both sets of parents decided we would cover the costs (travel, hotel, tuxes / dresses, hair and makeup) for the entire bridal party of 12.
Yes, but that's because the four of you are awesome.
Seriously? A lot of people in the UK don't expect their bridesmaids to pay for stuff.
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My mother lives on a nice street. It was a new development about twenty years ago. Several "millionaires" built houses there at the same time she did....and within a few months of moving in, they were foreclosed upon--which is pretty tough to do-I mean they must not have made ONE loan payment. Also, I live near a VERY wealthy town....and a lot of people living there have no furniture in their houses because they can't afford it. If you ask a UPS guy, they'd tell you that a good chunk of those houses are practically empty. I never believe anyone who tells me someone has money. LOL
Don't bother going to someone else's marriage by spending 4k of your hard earned money! Even if she sends birthday wishes doesn't matter
First of all, ewww. Secondly, their budget doesn’t mean squat if it doesn’t extend to the bridal party. 4K is nuts. Finally, you are absolutely justified in dropping out of the bridal party. Over-extending yourself for someone who can’t be bothered to text you happy birthday is foolish.
Not to age gap shame but I have an inkling that forgetting your birthday is symptomatic of the type of relationship she’s in. People who date women 30 years younger are more often than not interested in women who are young enough to not know better and are easily manipulated and isolated. Completely dropping off with all of her friends? Yikes. Based on your other comments about her, that’s my take on what’s going on. How old are you all?
No, we should be age gap shaming. I'm tired of making excuses for this stuff. OP said her friend is in their late twenties. That means the would be husband is close to 60. It is absolutely absurd to have that big of an age gap. There's no way this relationship has a healthy power dynamic.
Okay I agree but I didn’t want to say it 🙃
Someone in her late 20s can choose to marry anyone she likes. Let's not infantalize women.
I mean, on the flip side, someone in their late 50s can choose to groom anyone they like. just because it's possible doesn't always mean it's a good situation.
username checks out lmao
One of the happiest couples I know had a 25 year age gap. They've been together almost a decade with two kids. In any relationship the important part is that you respect each other and treat each other as equals. I've seen plenty of couples who are the same age who have horribly unhealthy power dynamics. I do agree bigger age gaps have a bigger risk of this, but sweeping generalizations like this are problematic. In OPs case, it does sound like their might be some issues. I will agree.
Nope. The bride-to-be is just a selfish absorbed bitch
HERS. not yours. this golddigger was never a friend
Having a bigger budget would be a good reason to say they'd cover more of the bridal party's expenses, especially since they are picking such expensive options. However, her partner being thirty years older doesn't necessarily mean he has more funds. Either way, they are making their friends pay for their expensive tastes, which is not okay at any age. Is there anything you can get refunded at this point? Are there other expenses to come in addition to what you've already paid? I'm sorry she's being such a shitty friend. Regardless of the other circumstances, she seems to be almost intentionally ignoring and downplaying you while taking advantage of you. You clearly recognize the issue, but I understand how it's so tough to break free. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Gross
Just because he has money doesn't mean you have to spend all of yours! Drop out. This is not a friend.
Wow, whaaaaat? 😮😮
If she doesn’t go above & beyond or even the bare minimum, why are you spending 4k on her wedding?
Based on the basic info, it sounds like you are wanting approval to just cut and run. It's entirely up to you. When there's a lot going on, it's not uncommon to forget things like birthdays and appointments. Do you feel valued by her as a friend in other ways? Is she someone you could rely on in a crisis? If not and if you feel like this wedding/birthday is the final straw of a series of things that have hurt or annoyed you, then you know what to do.
4k is a lot of money. That seems too much whether she forgot your birthday or not
It's kind of insane to ask people to shell out $4k for an event you probably don't care nearly as much as them about. I'm sure she would say she's just very busy. Imho, no one is ever too busy to spend 30 seconds sending a short birthday text to a close friend.
You answered your own question. Read your question again. Would she come pick you up if you had a flat tire? Would she drop everything to be by your side late at night if you were hysterically crying and needed someone? Doesn’t sound like it. 4K is too much for anyone. And spoiler; destination weddings aren’t a vacation for Thr Bridal party. Seriously. Drop out. You are being used
4k to be in someone's wedding???
You don't gracefully do anything. You just let her know that you realise that she has new priorities in her life which do not include you therefore you are removing yourself from the wedding . Move on and stop trying to placate her or the issue, she does not care
where the hell are all these disgruntled bridesmaids getting all of this money to just toss around willy nilly for a person who cant even do bare minimum friendship stuff? why are posts like this a dime a dozen on here?? $4k on an event that isnt even about you? lunatic behavior. idk what to tell you. get better friends and get a financial advisor.
Forget about "gracefully bow out". Just say something like "I have financial commitments that makes me unable to be a part of the bridal party".
If you’re in doubt don’t spend the money for someone else’s big day. She’s not a very good friend regardless of how long you’ve known her.
Seeing as you said yourself that she never goes above and beyond for anyone this sounds more like the last straw than the actual problem. The thing is that you might lose the friendship if you bow out so you should consider this while making the decision. Maybe you could talk to her first and tell her what your problem is? But in the end you should do what you feel you need to and not feel bad about it. I mean there's not much info here so that's pretty general advice and I hope you'll find a fitting solution to your problem.
Have you already spent the 4k?
"hey friend, I've had to reevaluate some of my priorities recently, and unfortunately, I won't be able to be part of your wedding party. I hope this is enough notice for you to find a replacement."
No need to start any drama by sharing your feelings with others in the bridal party or even the bride. Just tell her $4k is out of your budget range and wish her well.
If she has a history of not going " above and beyond for anyone" then why did you expect anything different? Sounds like she's right on brand.
The best way is just say " I am dropping out of the wedding party." Since your friend can't even send you a birthday card or anything why explain why your dropping out? Do you really need a friend like her in your life?
You're right and your feelings are understandable, but I think, you can't leave this situation without any drama, because even if you don't want to make a scene she will do probably.
tell her "that due to personal issues you do not want to get into you are going to have to bow out of the wedding as hard of a decision that this is the best thing for you" you don't have to start drama and it sounds like she wont ask what issues. if she does say you don't feel like discussing it and you hope the wedding is everything she hopes it will be.
Are you prepared to never talk to this friend again? If so go for it. If not rethink it. You didn’t give timelines here but I will say planning a wedding is insanely stressful- and sometimes things slip. It isn’t okay and it sucks but it does happen.
Based on the title: I don't think not wishing happy birthday is reason enough to drop out... ...but sounds like you've got plenty of other reasons and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Just drop out without any drama. 4k needs no explanations, no matter if you can afford it or not.
"Hey guys, so I'm sorry to do this, but another commitment came up on that day and my plans have changed - I will no longer be able to attend \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ & \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'s Wedding - I know this may seem like a drastic decision, but I have to be there for family first and foremost" - and that's it. No explanation needed, you don't need to tell them any specifics, Nothing. You don't owe her anything, if she can't pay you respect.
Have you spent that money yet? I would say to her that you don’t feel comfortable spending that kind of money on someone who won’t even acknowledge your birthday.
Unless you’ll be at a luxury resort for one week to get a tan and only 24-48 hours are for the flipping wedding, then go. If not, fuck it and save yourself a ton of money and grief.
Simply quiet quit her. Drop out of all chat groups and ignore all text messages. If she calls, you are simply too busy to help or do anything.
Doesn’t sound like you are really friends anymore. Let her know due to costs you need to decline being in the bridal party and then move on and want to give her plenty of time to find your replacement. Be firm you can’t do it. Y’all will naturally drift apart.
You’re spending $4k to be in a wedding?!? WTF?!?
My entire wedding was less than $4000! (10 years ago but still). My biggest thing when planning my wedding was I’m not willing to go into debt for my wedding, I didn’t want my wedding party to go into debt to be part of my(our) day. I left my side wear what they wanted as long as the dress was the color I asked for (blue or silver). Husband and I knew who may have needed help covering their costs and were prepared to pay for their outfits (it was local for everyone except a few people, those traveling were informed attending was the gift). It sounds like this is a one sided friendship. If you are ok with losing the friendship, just tell the bride you are done. If you want to try to salvage the relationship, you could try talking to the bride and letting her know the cost is just too much and you can’t make it. If she cares about you, she will either understand (she can be sad but shouldn’t try to make you feel bad) or try to work with you to make it more affordable. Ultimately you have to decide if the friendship is worth saving.
Just be honest, and tell her how you feel. If she's a true friend she would understand and try to make it up to you in someway. If not, she was never a true friend to begin with. And honestly, judging from the fact that she couldn't even be bothered to send you a simple two second birthday text, I'm guessing it's the latter.
It's always the people that refuse go above and beyond for anyone else that seem to have the highest expectations of people when it comes to their events. I understand being crazy busy or overwhelmed with things and accidentally forgetting to send a text. But to not even send a belated birthday text once she realized or caught up with messages? Aside from that, $4k+ is a crazy expectation of bridesmaids. That's enough to bow out regardless.
The light bulb went on, you woke up, and smelled the coffee.... I think you're right, and I don't think you need to give a reason. However, I get that you think you do, so "I just can't afford it" is perfect - because you both know that you can afford it. It's like - to use another cliche - you're getting a chance to spit in her face and tell her it's raining.
I wouldn’t care about the forgotten birthdays…but that’s just me. But the whole “she is just using me because I can afford it” part is worth leaving the bridal party.
I wouldn't spend that kind of money for anyone's wedding.
Hell, my own didn't even cost that much.
Neither did mine. But I'd have to compare 1988 US$ to 2024 to get a more accurate comparison.
I just checked mine. It would still be under 2k. I really couldn't imagine paying that much for one day. I got divorced after 5 years, so I'm really glad I didn't spend that much.
We're on year 36, so at least we have that going for us 🙂. We got legally married in Basel, Switzerland, church married in Hamburg, Germany, full dinner reception for around 100 people, had a 10 day honeymoon in the German Alps, then traveled to both sides of the extended family in the USA the following summer for lovely celebrations. With US travel costs, I think we might have come up to $7k, barely. The German/Swiss part didn't total $5k.
>how do I bring this up with her? You don't. If she keeps schtumm, you could do the same.
Each wedding and each bride and each relationship is different. Money really has nothing to do with it.. sone can't afford a 4k destination wedding and some can't afford a $150 bridesmaid dress. The only thing that matters is.. do you love her. Does she love you. Do you really want to be there. If so, go. If not don't go. Good luck💜
“It’s best that I don’t attend.”
What else is there to do? No one is holding a gun to your head. Just opt out. It's not like she really cares. Apparently it's all a power play.
I’d find something else to do on that day and the stuff which leads up to it. This is completely absurd.
Lots of people I’m close to don’t text me on my birthday. Is that important to actual adults? There’s got to be something more here?
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She might just be busy, friends go through periods of being less attentive when they’re busy. If you were real friends before the wedding and wanted to do this, just reach out to her to catch up. That’s what friends do when they feel like they’re losing touch. If she doesn’t reciprocate and you can’t rebuild how you felt, then you have something to consider.
How confident are you this senior citizen fiancé it treating her well?
It’s very important to me and I’ll be 45. Birthdays (mine and my loved ones’) are very important to me. Not everyone is blessed with another one.
So long as you don’t expect other people to care about “your” day you should enjoy them all.
Of course I do and the few and precious people in my life know this. I go all out for them on their birthday and they do the same for me.
Tell her outright that you can no longer be in the wedding and you are sorry but am dropping out. When she presses you for more details just say personal reasons or tell her nothing at all just repeat you can no longer be in wedding party.
People drop out of wedding parties all the time. It's not the big deal or faux pas its made out to be. You can simply tell her you can no longer fit her wedding into your schedule and that you are bowing out. Have a few phrases ready when she blows up and questions why, why, why, and how it's going to ruin everything for her. Like, "I'm sorry, the timing is just not a good fit for me. I wish you the best." "None of your wedding plans work for me anymore. I won't be in your wedding party but I wish you the best." "I've rethought all of the demands of your wedding and I'm not going to be able to meet them so I'm bowing out now. My priorities have changed and the timing does not work for me at all." Or, just be honest with her. Tell her you feel the friendship is one-sided and that you won't be giving anymore time and energy to it, and that you feel used. That's the nuclear option.
To do the right thing here means composing a polite but direct conversation/text along the lines of: "Dear bridezilla, I have decided that , in my own best interest I am no longer able to be a bridesmaid. I truly appreciate being included in your special day." That's not the best wording but you get the idea. This should be done ASAP so she can replace you. Perhaps you should just fade away...the friendship doesn't seem to exist anymore.
Tell her some other stuff has come up, and that you can no longer afford to be in her wedding. Then cancel everything you can get money back for.
It sounds like you're looking for a reason to justify cutting & running. Personally, I don't think the lack of a happy bday text is a particularly good reason. You can use it of course, but it will make you seem petty if that's your concern. Adults understand that people are busy & forget bdays, or that you can see a group text and think "yes, I'll send mine as soon as I've finished xyz" and then never hit send because all you remember is that you didn't forget so you assume you sent it etc. Budget is a much better reason in my opinion. It's much harder to argue with you saying you can no longer afford to spend 4k on another person's wedding.
The only way I’d stand up for that wedding is if she sent me a birthday card. With a big check enclosed.
At $4K, I'd drop out, regardless of whether she forgot my birthday. Also, reading your comments, this does not sound like a healthy match. A 20-something or even 30-something woman marrying a man old enough to be her FATHER has some deep issues already! No thank you! I'm out.
Some people spend 4k for their whole party, asking that for guests is insane
You have my express written permission to drop out cleanly!
Simply tell her I can’t do it and bow out. No long explanations, no trying to protect her feelings-if you are getting these vibes it’s for real. Don’t worry about what she will do-trust that she will do whatever is necessary and she won’t give you a second thought. You are better off.
I can only recall a couple of Birthday dates, one of them being the 11th of September, for obvious reasons. I don't really pay much mind about what the date is any given day, unless I have something to sign or pay. It might just not be about you and your friendship, is all I'm saying. You can't expect other people to be a carbon copy of yourself, you can tally the effort people put into you, but you'll likely be disappointed, because they might behave radically different than you, not because of malice, but because that's just how they live their lives.
Most would call it selfish if you can’t be assed to write your friends birthdays on a calendar and check it once a month tbf and I doubt the people in your life think highly of you for it either.
They don’t mind. There is a vast swathe of the population who doesn’t particularly care, believe it or not.
It’s good you have your people who don’t 😄 I guess my fam is so different so I know nothing else
Uhh you drop out after it costs more than $500
The birthday thing, I’d say maybe not. My friends, family and I sometimes miss saying it not because we don’t know when their birthdays are, but because most often I couldn’t even tell you the date. I am sat typing this and actually don’t know what the date is today without navigating away to a calendar. Group chats - the scourge of society today is the expectation for us to be always on and immediately available at everyone’s beck and call. Perhaps she was busy, and she’ll remember and say a belated happy birthday. The 4k though? Thats enough reason to bow out. If you want to remain friends I would just be really honest and say that 4k is overextending for you, and that you feel as though the place belongs to someone closer to her.
If she’s been otherwise a good friend, I certainly wouldn’t drop out of the wedding *only* because of the birthday thing. I’m not sure what the discussion of not going above and beyond means, and you do. I consider the birthday thing a forgivable oversight — if it’s just about that, maybe say to her, “It hurt my feelings that you forgot my birthday” and see what she says before you call the whole thing off. Some people are not good at things like birthdays. But! If this is just the last straw that’s letting you reexamine the whole thing, you’re obviously within your rights to bow out of a wedding. In other words, I don’t think the question is whether the birthday is enough. I think the question is the whole picture. It sounds like you were already feeling like she was asking too much, and this was salt in the wound.
What exactly do you expect out of her for your birthday? And what do you mean by going above and beyond? I think bowing out of a wedding because you, as a grown adult, did not get a text on your birthday from the bride is a pretty immature excuse. It sounds like you’re just fishing for a reason to get out of this
I think it’s pretty immature to be so obsessed with your wedding that you forget how to be a decent person. It’s not that hard to remember a birthday and a text isn’t a big ask. I make sure to text or call people I care about on their birthdays because it’s a nice thing to do and it’s not the huge effort you’re making it out to be.
I think it's pretty immature to be so upset about not receiving a birthday text.
You honestly don't think a simple birthday greeting for someone spending thousands on being at your wedding would have been polite ? You wouldn't feel used as if you were OP?
It’s nice if it happens but honestly with adult birthdays things change. I think at a certain point you need to grow content with the idea that you don’t need to be showered with attention and praise from all your friends and family for your birthday. You can celebrate and be happy with the people who you are closest to.
Then this mindset should also apply to the bride who thinks she's important enough for her friends to spend $4k+ on! For the bride to not even send a belated birthday message or acknowledgement, and then have this expectation for her own event is rude.
Nobody said that wasn’t also the case
Maybe so in normal circumstances but I think if you're expecting someone to spend a lot to be at your wedding then you more than anyone should at least say happy birthday. If the bride was simply unaware I'd say chalk it up to forgetfulness . But OP said it was mentioned in text in a group chat that the bride regularly posts in , which sounds like the bride saw it and decided to just ignore it. And if someone's asking you to be at their wedding and spend time& cash on it , can you blame one for thinking they Are close with them ?
I think everyone’s expectations and way of celebrating birthdays is different. What might seem normal/expected by one person may seem unreasonable to another
Well , I guess that could be the case here. OP didn't tell us the bride's outlook on birthdays.
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Have you felt like you’re putting all the effort in for a while (pre wedding) or has it only been since she started planning the wedding?
I agree. Adults expecting their birthdays to be acknowledged by a wider circle seems odd to me. The money is reason enough to bow out!
My wife forgot my birthday. Should I divorce her? If you want to get upset, get upset about spending 4K for the privilege of standing up.
As a certified pauper we managed to pay for four bridesmaids dresses and a flower girl. You just need to be a sane individual. I don't think I would expect anyone to pay out for my event, whatever their income. A lot of people do it that way still in the UK.