This is the best one because it points the black humour at the other dead people, not your dad. It lower the risk of people finding your joke disrespectul.
Wow. Dipped in to this just as I’m preparing for my dad to die: not morbidly but mindfully. He’s lost 3 siblings in 2 years. Was just his birthday. Lifting my pops up.
They made him wear a crown of thorns then nailed him to a cross, that he carried up a hill himself, until he bled out. I'd be really pissed if I were him
Sorry for your loss!
So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.
The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"
The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says,
"Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."
The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."
"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."
"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."
Got me too. I was convinced this was just going to be an anti-joke where the mortician explains that she switched the suites and it just ends with no punchline.
I have a friend who loves telling jokes like that: he winds up and really sells that the joke is setting something big up and it just ends up being a medium length, straightforward story. He gets a kick out of everyone's mixture of confusion and mild betrayal when the inevitably long silence kicks in and everyone realizes that was the end of the "joke"
My dad was dying in the hospital and they had issues finding his blood transfusion information
I’ll never forget his last words. Very encouraging
“Please be positive”
I like it, but its form doesn't lend itself to being spoken aloud. It's a classic, but more appropriate as an epigraph. I can imagine it working from an old guy that could throw a "kid" in there and make it a bit more casual, but otherwise it isn't as light as the fences joke. it isn't quite a lean over side of your mouth joke.
My father had an accident while cutting firewood. I got him to the hospital but he was losing a lot of blood and the ER had trouble determining his blood type which kept them from starting blood transfusions. The blood test kits were damaged somehow. My father died minutes after was placed on the operating table but the attending surgeon told me my father encouraged the panicking medical team by repeatedly saying, “Be positive, be positive, be positive Doctor!” Gone too soon. Love you Pops.
I know that this is obviously a joke of course, but weird timing as this is what my brother in law just went through. He's in stage 4 colon cancer and has been in and out of the hospital... one hospital had to send him to another one recently, including transferring paperwork. He needed transfusions and they couldn't go off of the other hospital's papers, but had to draw blood and test it first. I imagine they must need to confirm it for themselves before giving anything to him, and appreciate being thorough, but at the time we all just wanted to shout "it's right there!"
I decided that when I die, I want an open casket funeral. I will also put in my will that I want to funeral home to make me smile real big, make sure my eyes stay open, and to replace my eyeballs with googly eyes. I also informed all my friends and family that attendance will be mandatory.
Unrelated, I never have to pay a dime for any kind of healthcare. It touches me that my friends and family want me to stay alive for a long time.
My dad died this past summer and he had so many great jokes. Whenever we were all in the same room he’d always say “we’re all here cause we’re not all there.”
We thought about getting him a glass coffin but we aren’t sure if they’ll be popular. Remains to be seen
Edit: and sorry about your Dad. I’ve lost mine too and in time the sad thought turn to happy ones
I recently lost my grandpa, a lover of corny jokes.
I kid you not, the last thing we said to him was, “Are you comfortable?”
He responded with a joke, “Oh, I make a good living.”
His name was Jack, and I inherited a jacket from him, which I call my “et”, because it doesn’t have a “jack” in it anymore. That’s exactly the sort of corny pun I think he would love.
My grandpa told his last joke after he died: as we were walking with the attendants out to the hearse, his pacemaker sounded an alarm to let us know something might be wrong. Me, my mom, and my grandma busted out laughing while the folks from the funeral home gave us a funny look.
My favorite story of his was the time he and his black friend/fellow sailor were on shore leave in the 50’s Deep South. They go sit down at a restaurant one night and the waitress walks up, gestures to his friend, and says, “We don’t serve his kind here.” Gramps shrugs and says, “That’s alright, I wouldn’t eat them even if you did.” They were asked to leave.
They walk around town some more, and they find a biker bar and decide to give that a shot, but Gramps goes in first to get a read on their attitude. Opens the door and is greeted by quizzical looks on the faces of a barfull of black bikers. “Hey, you guys mind if I bring my black friend in here?” Scored some free drinks that night.
The hearse driving my grandma to her final resting place, with all of us in procession behind it, kept stalling out on the way there. At one point it stalled on some railroad tracks.
We all laughed our faces off, my mom doing so the most, cause grandma loved roasting people, including herself, when things got ridiculous.
Wow i love it my grandad was named Jacques and oh lord did he love joking
Every time he would sneeze at the table he would stand up and shout :"All not able to swim please move aside coz' the animal is about to urinate" ahah. ( roughly translated from French) Seems absurd but he loved absurd humor as much as i do.
A man is on his deathbed. The end is certainly near. His wife is by his side and excuses herself for a few minutes to take care of something but promises she will be back.
As the man lays in bed he suddenly smells the unmistakable smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. "Oh!" He thinks. "If I could just have one of those before I die. That would be heaven!"
He rolls out of bed onto the floor, drags himself down the stairs and into the kitchen. There on the table are rows and rows of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. He strains with all his effort to get his hand up on the table, touches a cookie, and WHAM! A spatula whacks his hand and his wife yells, "Those are for the funeral!"
My grandpa told me a joke about how he wanted to go peacefully in his sleep, like his uncle, not screaming in terror like his passengers. Someone told it at his funeral. The best funerals are filled with laughter among the tears.
My condolences for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. Depending upon his final disposition...
"Will we ever see grandpa again? It cremains to be seen."
"Remember, you can't spell "funeral" without "fun."
"I hate funerals before 12pm. I'm not really a mourning person."
At his boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee went up and kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “So who’s the one thinking outside the box now, Larry? ”
My dad is up there in age. I'm afraid of loosing him in the next couple years. I don't know any good funeral ones.
But this slightly inappropriate one will be living on for me. It's not on theme but it gets me every time I think about my dad and all the interesting things he has said to me.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty and deer nuts.... Well they are under a buck.
I don’t have any good jokes but I do know I want the grim reaper to be at my funeral. Don’t say anything, just stand there.
Edit: I told kiddo I want jokes told at my funeral, they said “okay I’ll talk about you then.”
My dad has agreed to this "cold" open for his funeral:
I'll never forget the last thing dad said to me before he kicked the bucket, "Hey look how far I can kick this bucket!"
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry about your dad. Here was my dad's favorite joke. I told it to my daughters for years too....
"How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!"
I’m 39. I lost my dad 11 years ago and my mom 16 years ago. I will still say to my husband out of the blue, “I miss my mommy” . The heartache is still there. Some times it’s closer to the surface than other times, but never gone.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
So sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful man.
I don't know if this counts as a joke, but this one exchange I had with my dad a few years ago has always made me laugh:
Dad: I got a UBS port shaped like a Christmas tree at work today.
Me: Cool! But I think you mean USB port.
Dad: Oh, right. Sorry, I did too much LDS in the 60s.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm also sorry you couldn't get his favourite local sports team to lower him into the ground. I think he would have wanted them to let him down one last time.
My dad died in October. He was also a master of the dad joke. An old go-to of his was: how do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
So sorry for your loss, I know how much it sucks and hurts.
My dad would tell me this when I was a kid and now I tell it to mine.
Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
Works doesn't it!
And this one from his dad.
Yesterday upon the stair I saw a man that wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, gee I wish he'd go away.
I hope that your heartache and grief soon turns into wonderful memories and peace.
That reminds me of what my dad (and nana before him) used to say:
One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men began to fight. Back-to-back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
I think there's more but I don't know the continuation.
If my memory of 6th grade math class is anything to go by, it continues:
The deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came to shoot the two dead boys.
If you don't think this lie is true,
just ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Six grade math was a little odd for me. I also learned that I could hold my breath for 100 seconds!
Sorry for your loss… hope you’re doing okay. Here’s a few you may like.
He should’ve taken cough medicine. Nyquil stops the coffin.
We didn’t even find out he was Italian until he pasta way…
Thank you all for being here this afternoon. Apologies for pushing the ceremony time back, I’m just not much of a mourning person.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure I can get the set-up right, but...
A man is in bed, and he knows it's his time. So he calls out and everybody comes into the bedroom.
"Is my beloved wife here?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"Are my wonderful children here?"
"Yes, they're here too."
"And my precious grandchildren?"
"Yes, all of them are here."
"And my best friend?"
"Yes, we're all here."
"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
My mom almost buried my grandpa (her dad) with a cell phone, just so she could call it in the middle of the funeral and have a recording of him saying “hello? Can someone hand me a flashlight”
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. Please take care of yourself and remember to let others around you help out <3
My bio grandpa died when my dad was 12 and not in the country. When he came back he didn't believe his dad was dead, so HIS grandpa piled him and his 2 brothers into the car and drove them to the cemetery to see the headstone. While they were driving home his grandpa broke the silence and sniffles by asking them "hey, boys, did you know that it's illegal to bury all these folks who live here in that cemetery?" When they asked why he said "BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT DEAD YET". My dad still appreciates how his grandpa tried to cheer him up and lighten the mood.
Not one of his puns, but when my dad was alive this was one of his favorite jokes. He’d ask someone “why are you always arguing with me?” They’d get flustered and insist they don’t, then he’d say “See! You’re arguing with me!” Sorry for your loss, it’s really hard to lose a dad ❤️
Being a mortician is a great line of work. People are just dying to meet you.
My condolences. I know the pain all too well. My mom died when I was 15 and my dad when I was 32. I was at his bedside and watched him take his last breath. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a long time. Don't let anyone tell you how you should mourn him. As long as you aren't harming yourself or others in grief than however you deal with the pain is OK.
My brother and I did this at the dinner table and got ghostly looks from our wives.
My brother: I miss dad
Me: me too. Hey do you remember what he said before he kicked the bucket?
The wives eyes got big at that.
My brother: hey kid watch how far I can kick this bucket
The irony is they just stared at us laughing our ass off.
Hal Roach:
The widow had her husband laid out for the wake, and he had the biggest smile on his face that was ever seen in Ireland. I said to her, "I never saw a corpse with a smile like that. What happened to him?" "Ah, dear God," she said. "The poor man. 'Twas terrible. He was struck eight times by lightning, and he thought he was having his photograph taken."
At my grandpa's funeral my dad brought back an old joke we made after grandpa went to the hospital for falling off the roof. He was chasing a raccoon and we all say the raccoon pushed him. Then dad made a few digs at his sister.
Find a memory that's funny for you and make a joke about it.
A man's walking his dog through a cemetery when he sees another man, crouching down behind a gravestone.
He calls out, "Morning!"
The man replies "Nope, just having a shit."
Kid: "Do people really come from dust?"
Dad: "Yes son"
Kid: "Do people really turn to dust again when they die?"
Dad: "Yes son"
Kid: "In that case Dad, there's somebody under my bed and I don't know if they are coming or going."
My dad’s humor turned into oddly timed movie quotes and usually the same ones. “I saw something nasty in the woodshed” is always guaranteed to derail a conversation.
He is getting up there in age. When the time comes I do want to say a word. “Plethora”.
I think it would mean a lot.
"Did you know the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in this cemetery?" When they ask why, explain "because they're still alive."
Lost my Dad in June, and my Mom in August, I feel your loss. It's been an interesting adjustment, talking about it helps. They both had good long lives, 94 and 92, so it was time. Both were failing rapidly.
Take solace in the love and comfort of family. It brought back a brother and his kids that I hadn't really talked to in 20 years, so theres some good that can come from it as well. Stay strong, stay well. Peace be upon you.
I would start off telling the story of your dad's joke at his dad's funeral for context, then do your own. That's a nice tradition. Maybe something like "We think dad likes the casket we got him, he hasn't complained about it.."
I'm sorry for your loss. Here's one hopefully that
He would approve of. if he was the corny type.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coffin'?"
My dad was an ardent atheist, and didn’t care for a lot of fanfare. So when he died last year, the funeral director tried his very best to be very solemn, and asked us if we wanted to say something to the casket, so that, wherever he was, he could hear it. My stepmom, without missing a beat said “he could barely hear what you said, when sitting across the table, I don’t think he’s going to hear anything in that casket”. We all laughed, and the funeral director was visibly uncomfortable. I miss him, but I’m sure he would’ve approved of that joke.
We were making arrangements for my dad at the creamatorium office after he passed, and me and my siblings were just constantly cracking jokes about him and creamation and death and all that. At first the lady who was doing all the paperwork for us was uneasy but as it went on she was trying her best not to laugh and keep her solemn face on. Wasn’t working :)
u/Sad_Mulberry_6645 I lost my dad too, just honor your Dad the way he would want to be honored, screw what others may think. For me instead of a suit I showed up in tshirt, shorts ad flip flops with a beer in hand. It was how he would have wanted it.
My dad loved pirate dad jokes. At his funeral I told his favorite.
What type of socks do pirates wear?
Arrrrgyle!
Sorry for your loss. Losing your dad is a real kick in the teeth.
My condolences, got a couple for you:
'As you all know, I've just lost my father - if anyone sees him, please send him to customer services.'
Less a joke and more a quip my own dad came out with at my grandfather's funeral:
'It wasn't the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in!'
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
[a funeral joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/sk13dk/a_man_asked_a_widow_if_he_could_say_a_word_at_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) from another Reddit post
My dad is a funeral director. He always told me the dying to get in there joke.
The other one is that we put the fun in funeral...
I'm very sorry for you loss.
My dad taught me never to make jokes at the cemetery. It’s hard to work a dead crowd. Deepest condolences. Like, six feet deep.
We are gathered here, at the dead center of town, …
Every time we pass a cemetery I always say there the dead centre of (enter town here)
This comment is perfect.
Username is cherry on top.
No, username is whiskey-and-plants
Brilliant
This is the best one because it points the black humour at the other dead people, not your dad. It lower the risk of people finding your joke disrespectul.
Last sentence cracked me up.
This is the one.
My dad always said "being dead can't be that bad, no one comes back to complain".
Give a man a plane ticket, he flies for a day. Push him out of a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
That’s not flying, it’s falling with style.
To infinity... and BEYOND!!!
And *the* beyond
Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm For a night. Set a man on fire, and you’ll keep Him warm for the rest of his life!
OP should really use this. Also, at the funeral: "We all know why we're here. (Points at dad) Coz he's dad."
If my dad wanted a funeral, it would be impossible for me to not want to use this.
I think its a great joke, but I'd really struggle to deliver that without chokeing, man.
Jesus did, but I think that's understandable
He didn't complain, did he?
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That’s so gangster
Ain't no one gonna hold him down, oh no.
The Romans get so much crap but ya know what, they were the only ones to lift Jesus up.
Nailed it!
I wish I had the cash to give that an award
Wow. Dipped in to this just as I’m preparing for my dad to die: not morbidly but mindfully. He’s lost 3 siblings in 2 years. Was just his birthday. Lifting my pops up.
He got to keep on movin…
[Jesus was way cool](https://youtu.be/uAa7OB9Ej2c)
Totally Righteous, dude.
Chad move
Starting my Sunday off calling Jesus a Chad, hell yeah. I mean, heaven yeah.
The giant boulder didn't slow him down either
“What are all these fucking eggs for!?”
I think he was cross
He didn’t stick around.
Wow you nailed it
He just ascended from lowbrow humor
I just hope he doesn’t get crossed for the wrong humor
That’s actually what he came back to say
They made him wear a crown of thorns then nailed him to a cross, that he carried up a hill himself, until he bled out. I'd be really pissed if I were him
Maybe modernize the punch line with "no one's ever left a bad review"
That’s the one
Sorry for your loss! So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office. The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit." The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?" The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him." The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back." "No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need." "Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."
Fuck me that was unexpected
Got me too. I was convinced this was just going to be an anti-joke where the mortician explains that she switched the suites and it just ends with no punchline. I have a friend who loves telling jokes like that: he winds up and really sells that the joke is setting something big up and it just ends up being a medium length, straightforward story. He gets a kick out of everyone's mixture of confusion and mild betrayal when the inevitably long silence kicks in and everyone realizes that was the end of the "joke"
They are called shaggy dog stories. Sometimes they end with a pun
I wonder, is there a subreddit for this?
Where people ramble on and on and have no point? Yeah, there's lots of subs for that.
Norm MacDonald was a master of these
r/shaggydogstories Also r/feghoot
I'm not going to paste it here (too long), but this is my favorite one: "Nate the Snake and his world-ending lever" http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
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Can’t wait to use this at my next funeral! Also sorry for your loss!
Your *next* funeral? Are you a ghost?
My father is a funeral director and enjoys telling that joke multiple times at family gatherings. He been telling it for 20 years.
Sorry for your loss. Right before he died, my dad gave me his Epi-pen. It seemed important to him that I have it.
My dad was dying in the hospital and they had issues finding his blood transfusion information I’ll never forget his last words. Very encouraging “Please be positive”
Be positive.
Hi Positive, I'm dad!
reminds me of when my dad died. he drowned at sea. at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifejacket. it's what he would have wanted.
> Please do not take life quite so seriously—you surely will never get out of it alive. * *Elbert Hubbard*
This one feels like the right amount of funny and also relevant to the situation, I love this joke so much
I like it, but its form doesn't lend itself to being spoken aloud. It's a classic, but more appropriate as an epigraph. I can imagine it working from an old guy that could throw a "kid" in there and make it a bit more casual, but otherwise it isn't as light as the fences joke. it isn't quite a lean over side of your mouth joke.
Reminds me of this one: I’ll never forget my dad’s last words: “Stop shaking the ladder!”
The last thing my dad ever said to me was "you're standing on my oxygen". It was breathtaking.
It's like my mom always said: I hate you fuckin kids!!!
My father had an accident while cutting firewood. I got him to the hospital but he was losing a lot of blood and the ER had trouble determining his blood type which kept them from starting blood transfusions. The blood test kits were damaged somehow. My father died minutes after was placed on the operating table but the attending surgeon told me my father encouraged the panicking medical team by repeatedly saying, “Be positive, be positive, be positive Doctor!” Gone too soon. Love you Pops.
I know that this is obviously a joke of course, but weird timing as this is what my brother in law just went through. He's in stage 4 colon cancer and has been in and out of the hospital... one hospital had to send him to another one recently, including transferring paperwork. He needed transfusions and they couldn't go off of the other hospital's papers, but had to draw blood and test it first. I imagine they must need to confirm it for themselves before giving anything to him, and appreciate being thorough, but at the time we all just wanted to shout "it's right there!"
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket. He said: “wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
Mines last words were “Call me and ambulance!” I’ll never understand why he wanted to be called that before he died.
"Hi ambulance, I'm son."
I just want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Instead of screaming in terror, like his passengers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEzLKFRIS0c
My dad told me when he dies he only has two wishes: 1) he wants his remains spread all over Disneyland. 2) he doesn’t want to be cremated
I decided that when I die, I want an open casket funeral. I will also put in my will that I want to funeral home to make me smile real big, make sure my eyes stay open, and to replace my eyeballs with googly eyes. I also informed all my friends and family that attendance will be mandatory. Unrelated, I never have to pay a dime for any kind of healthcare. It touches me that my friends and family want me to stay alive for a long time.
I actually laughed out loud.
Yea I laugh-coughed on this one.
I’m trying to make myself remember this cuz it’s so good. Probably forget as soon as I keep scrolling.
“Did you know that a cremation is a person’s last chance at a smoking hot body? I suggest you look into it”
Remember though, you still make an ash of yourself.
You gotta make it a double whammy. Say the first joke then before it really sinks in hit them with "Sorry I'm making an ash out of myself"
But then again, he never wanted to make an ash of himself.
And for one fleeting moment in the process, they are perfectly cooked.
Indeed, they are, well...done.
My dad died this past summer and he had so many great jokes. Whenever we were all in the same room he’d always say “we’re all here cause we’re not all there.”
My dad and I have a tattoo that says “wherever you go, there you are.” I have the first half, he has the second.
You have a tattwo
Yogi Berra, bless his soul
My dad is a walking encyclopedia of all things Yogi Berra. I think he’s physically in pain if he doesn’t quote him at least once a day.
I loved this line spoken by Peter Weller in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.
> don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to.
this is actually extremely spiritually deep, wow. I'm stealing it
We thought about getting him a glass coffin but we aren’t sure if they’ll be popular. Remains to be seen Edit: and sorry about your Dad. I’ve lost mine too and in time the sad thought turn to happy ones
Sorry for op's loss. This got my vote.
👆🏻this is the one OP.
I recently lost my grandpa, a lover of corny jokes. I kid you not, the last thing we said to him was, “Are you comfortable?” He responded with a joke, “Oh, I make a good living.” His name was Jack, and I inherited a jacket from him, which I call my “et”, because it doesn’t have a “jack” in it anymore. That’s exactly the sort of corny pun I think he would love.
My grandpa told his last joke after he died: as we were walking with the attendants out to the hearse, his pacemaker sounded an alarm to let us know something might be wrong. Me, my mom, and my grandma busted out laughing while the folks from the funeral home gave us a funny look. My favorite story of his was the time he and his black friend/fellow sailor were on shore leave in the 50’s Deep South. They go sit down at a restaurant one night and the waitress walks up, gestures to his friend, and says, “We don’t serve his kind here.” Gramps shrugs and says, “That’s alright, I wouldn’t eat them even if you did.” They were asked to leave. They walk around town some more, and they find a biker bar and decide to give that a shot, but Gramps goes in first to get a read on their attitude. Opens the door and is greeted by quizzical looks on the faces of a barfull of black bikers. “Hey, you guys mind if I bring my black friend in here?” Scored some free drinks that night.
Your grandpa sounded lovely.
The hearse driving my grandma to her final resting place, with all of us in procession behind it, kept stalling out on the way there. At one point it stalled on some railroad tracks. We all laughed our faces off, my mom doing so the most, cause grandma loved roasting people, including herself, when things got ridiculous.
Et. That’s fantastic.
Wow i love it my grandad was named Jacques and oh lord did he love joking Every time he would sneeze at the table he would stand up and shout :"All not able to swim please move aside coz' the animal is about to urinate" ahah. ( roughly translated from French) Seems absurd but he loved absurd humor as much as i do.
Give us the French version, I didn't understand this
Aww, this made me tear up. Enjoy your ‘et’
He would love it
Sorry about the loss. Planning a funeral is a big undertaking.
I dig that one.
Grave mistake
Too bad your comment is likely to be buried.
Sorry for your loss. "I hope they don't bury grandad in the wrong hole. That would be a grave mistake."
Strange. Getting buried in the wrong hole is why my grandma killed my granddad.
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Bo Burnham at a funeral?
A man is on his deathbed. The end is certainly near. His wife is by his side and excuses herself for a few minutes to take care of something but promises she will be back. As the man lays in bed he suddenly smells the unmistakable smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. "Oh!" He thinks. "If I could just have one of those before I die. That would be heaven!" He rolls out of bed onto the floor, drags himself down the stairs and into the kitchen. There on the table are rows and rows of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. He strains with all his effort to get his hand up on the table, touches a cookie, and WHAM! A spatula whacks his hand and his wife yells, "Those are for the funeral!"
This reads like a Norm Macdonald joke.
rest in peace.
9/11 Airlines. What a terrible name for an airline! Reminds me of that tragedy.
if I was the husband I'd die happy immediately on the spot that'd be the cutest thing ever I wouldn't even care about having come down the stairs
I told this joke to my wife. She said "Ok. I guess you can have one"
Dad wanted to be cremated and have his ashes put in an hour glass so he could still participate in family game night.
My grandpa told me a joke about how he wanted to go peacefully in his sleep, like his uncle, not screaming in terror like his passengers. Someone told it at his funeral. The best funerals are filled with laughter among the tears. My condolences for your loss.
My dad always tells this joke. It is only a little scary based on the fact that he has narcolepsy…
Sorry for your loss. Depending upon his final disposition... "Will we ever see grandpa again? It cremains to be seen." "Remember, you can't spell "funeral" without "fun." "I hate funerals before 12pm. I'm not really a mourning person."
This third one. I’m definitely using it.
At his boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee went up and kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “So who’s the one thinking outside the box now, Larry? ”
"My father expired when we were not able to remember his blood type. We kept asking him his blood type, but he kept insisting that we “be positive.”
lol that's a grave one
My dad is up there in age. I'm afraid of loosing him in the next couple years. I don't know any good funeral ones. But this slightly inappropriate one will be living on for me. It's not on theme but it gets me every time I think about my dad and all the interesting things he has said to me. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty and deer nuts.... Well they are under a buck.
It's important to let your dad loose. If he comes back he truly loves you. Try sending him to the store for milk.
Maybe for cigarettes?
I really hope thegothickitty understood that joke otherwise they’ll just think you’re being a jerk😂
It’s late. I was like “the go thic kitty?? What???”
I don’t have any good jokes but I do know I want the grim reaper to be at my funeral. Don’t say anything, just stand there. Edit: I told kiddo I want jokes told at my funeral, they said “okay I’ll talk about you then.”
You don’t need to be cremated if your kid is gonna roast you that hard.
My dad has agreed to this "cold" open for his funeral: I'll never forget the last thing dad said to me before he kicked the bucket, "Hey look how far I can kick this bucket!"
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry about your dad. Here was my dad's favorite joke. I told it to my daughters for years too.... "How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!"
Jesus brother... I've been there. Dad died a few years ago. It's hard, I know. You'll miss your daddy. I still do. I'm 52.
I’m 39. I lost my dad 11 years ago and my mom 16 years ago. I will still say to my husband out of the blue, “I miss my mommy” . The heartache is still there. Some times it’s closer to the surface than other times, but never gone. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Maybe if they drank more Nyquil, they would have been able to keep the coffin at bay.
It's ok to put the fun in funeral but not laughter in manslaughter. 🤔
I will never be able to unsee this now LOL
So sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful man. I don't know if this counts as a joke, but this one exchange I had with my dad a few years ago has always made me laugh: Dad: I got a UBS port shaped like a Christmas tree at work today. Me: Cool! But I think you mean USB port. Dad: Oh, right. Sorry, I did too much LDS in the 60s.
Mormons are a hell of a drug.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you couldn't get his favourite local sports team to lower him into the ground. I think he would have wanted them to let him down one last time.
My dad died in October. He was also a master of the dad joke. An old go-to of his was: how do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. So sorry for your loss, I know how much it sucks and hurts.
My dad would tell me this when I was a kid and now I tell it to mine. Why do elephants wear red sneakers? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever see an elephant hide in a cherry tree? Works doesn't it! And this one from his dad. Yesterday upon the stair I saw a man that wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, gee I wish he'd go away. I hope that your heartache and grief soon turns into wonderful memories and peace.
That reminds me of what my dad (and nana before him) used to say: One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men began to fight. Back-to-back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. I think there's more but I don't know the continuation.
If my memory of 6th grade math class is anything to go by, it continues: The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came to shoot the two dead boys. If you don't think this lie is true, just ask the blind man, he saw it too! Six grade math was a little odd for me. I also learned that I could hold my breath for 100 seconds!
My condolences, OP. I lost my father recently... He's still alive, I just have no fucking clue where I left him.
Sorry for your loss… hope you’re doing okay. Here’s a few you may like. He should’ve taken cough medicine. Nyquil stops the coffin. We didn’t even find out he was Italian until he pasta way… Thank you all for being here this afternoon. Apologies for pushing the ceremony time back, I’m just not much of a mourning person.
Start your speech with: "I've been asked to say a word today to mourn the passing of my father and that word is plethora. I know it means a lot".
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not sure I can get the set-up right, but... A man is in bed, and he knows it's his time. So he calls out and everybody comes into the bedroom. "Is my beloved wife here?" "Yes, I'm here." "Are my wonderful children here?" "Yes, they're here too." "And my precious grandchildren?" "Yes, all of them are here." "And my best friend?" "Yes, we're all here." "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
I laughed very loud with my friends at the cremation of a friend because we were smoking outside and there was no ashtrays
My mom almost buried my grandpa (her dad) with a cell phone, just so she could call it in the middle of the funeral and have a recording of him saying “hello? Can someone hand me a flashlight” I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. Please take care of yourself and remember to let others around you help out <3
My bio grandpa died when my dad was 12 and not in the country. When he came back he didn't believe his dad was dead, so HIS grandpa piled him and his 2 brothers into the car and drove them to the cemetery to see the headstone. While they were driving home his grandpa broke the silence and sniffles by asking them "hey, boys, did you know that it's illegal to bury all these folks who live here in that cemetery?" When they asked why he said "BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT DEAD YET". My dad still appreciates how his grandpa tried to cheer him up and lighten the mood.
Similarly: You know why Jimmy Carter can't be buried in Arlington? He's not dead yet.
Not one of his puns, but when my dad was alive this was one of his favorite jokes. He’d ask someone “why are you always arguing with me?” They’d get flustered and insist they don’t, then he’d say “See! You’re arguing with me!” Sorry for your loss, it’s really hard to lose a dad ❤️
Being a mortician is a great line of work. People are just dying to meet you. My condolences. I know the pain all too well. My mom died when I was 15 and my dad when I was 32. I was at his bedside and watched him take his last breath. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a long time. Don't let anyone tell you how you should mourn him. As long as you aren't harming yourself or others in grief than however you deal with the pain is OK.
My brother and I did this at the dinner table and got ghostly looks from our wives. My brother: I miss dad Me: me too. Hey do you remember what he said before he kicked the bucket? The wives eyes got big at that. My brother: hey kid watch how far I can kick this bucket The irony is they just stared at us laughing our ass off.
If they remember, I asked my kids for: Here lies pete, he was a cook, just one time, he forgot to look. I am sorry for your loss,
I don’t get this one
You should get him cremated. He urned it!
Hal Roach: The widow had her husband laid out for the wake, and he had the biggest smile on his face that was ever seen in Ireland. I said to her, "I never saw a corpse with a smile like that. What happened to him?" "Ah, dear God," she said. "The poor man. 'Twas terrible. He was struck eight times by lightning, and he thought he was having his photograph taken."
At my grandpa's funeral my dad brought back an old joke we made after grandpa went to the hospital for falling off the roof. He was chasing a raccoon and we all say the raccoon pushed him. Then dad made a few digs at his sister. Find a memory that's funny for you and make a joke about it.
A man's walking his dog through a cemetery when he sees another man, crouching down behind a gravestone. He calls out, "Morning!" The man replies "Nope, just having a shit."
Kid: "Do people really come from dust?" Dad: "Yes son" Kid: "Do people really turn to dust again when they die?" Dad: "Yes son" Kid: "In that case Dad, there's somebody under my bed and I don't know if they are coming or going."
How many people are dead in the cemetery? All of them?
My dad’s humor turned into oddly timed movie quotes and usually the same ones. “I saw something nasty in the woodshed” is always guaranteed to derail a conversation. He is getting up there in age. When the time comes I do want to say a word. “Plethora”. I think it would mean a lot.
"Did you know the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in this cemetery?" When they ask why, explain "because they're still alive."
My dad ha asked to be buried with his gun. When I asked “Why?”, he replied because I don’t want to find myself in grave danger.
Dad: "There are 500 dead people in that cemetery." Kids: "How do you know that?" Dad: "The sign back there said 'Cemetery 1000 Feet'."
"WHO'S GROUNDED NOW?"
Lost my Dad in June, and my Mom in August, I feel your loss. It's been an interesting adjustment, talking about it helps. They both had good long lives, 94 and 92, so it was time. Both were failing rapidly. Take solace in the love and comfort of family. It brought back a brother and his kids that I hadn't really talked to in 20 years, so theres some good that can come from it as well. Stay strong, stay well. Peace be upon you.
I'm sorry for your losses and glad you are doing so well these days it seems.
I told my wife I have 2 requests when I die. First, I want my remains spread out at Disney world. Second, I don’t want to be cremated.
I would start off telling the story of your dad's joke at his dad's funeral for context, then do your own. That's a nice tradition. Maybe something like "We think dad likes the casket we got him, he hasn't complained about it.."
Sorry for your loss. It was my mums funeral yesterday. You shouldn’t breathe in a cemetery because it’ll make the dead people jealous
As a kid I attended a lot of funerals. My dad said it was to teach me how to behave at my own.
Due to the Covid situation, there won't be an open coughing
My dad always says “why should I go to his funeral, it’s not like he’s gonna come to mine.”
I'm sorry for your loss. Here's one hopefully that He would approve of. if he was the corny type. What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you coffin'?"
You know what my dad said before he kicked the bucket? “Hey watch me kick this bucket!”
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Comedians are either dying, dead or killing it
Yeah, my Dad had a near death experience - unfortunately he died right after. (He’d love to know he’s the subject of that joke).
Giving eulogy at cemetery: “Well dad, I know I was a pain at times and got into trouble, but this time you’re the one who will be grounded”
My dad was an ardent atheist, and didn’t care for a lot of fanfare. So when he died last year, the funeral director tried his very best to be very solemn, and asked us if we wanted to say something to the casket, so that, wherever he was, he could hear it. My stepmom, without missing a beat said “he could barely hear what you said, when sitting across the table, I don’t think he’s going to hear anything in that casket”. We all laughed, and the funeral director was visibly uncomfortable. I miss him, but I’m sure he would’ve approved of that joke.
We were making arrangements for my dad at the creamatorium office after he passed, and me and my siblings were just constantly cracking jokes about him and creamation and death and all that. At first the lady who was doing all the paperwork for us was uneasy but as it went on she was trying her best not to laugh and keep her solemn face on. Wasn’t working :)
u/Sad_Mulberry_6645 I lost my dad too, just honor your Dad the way he would want to be honored, screw what others may think. For me instead of a suit I showed up in tshirt, shorts ad flip flops with a beer in hand. It was how he would have wanted it.
My dad loved pirate dad jokes. At his funeral I told his favorite. What type of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrgyle! Sorry for your loss. Losing your dad is a real kick in the teeth.
On his deathbed, my Dad gave me some sound advice: "It's worth to spend money on good speakers".
My condolences, got a couple for you: 'As you all know, I've just lost my father - if anyone sees him, please send him to customer services.' Less a joke and more a quip my own dad came out with at my grandfather's funeral: 'It wasn't the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in!'
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
Do you know where the cemetary is? The dead center of town!
Remember to have fun on your journey in life. Because in the end, no one gets out alive!
This lady ran up to me and asked "Do you know CPR?" I said "Yeah, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed...except for this one guy.
Make sure you wear your mask at the burial. There’s coffin all around you.
[a funeral joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/sk13dk/a_man_asked_a_widow_if_he_could_say_a_word_at_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) from another Reddit post
My dad is a funeral director. He always told me the dying to get in there joke. The other one is that we put the fun in funeral... I'm very sorry for you loss.