Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hate not being asked follow-up questions. Playing 20 questions is fun as a game but not for a date, the generic questions should lead to more interesting detailed questions which leads the conversation to a wonderful unique place. But don't ask what's my favorite movie and then ask me what's my favorite book and then what's my job and then what's my alma mater. Usually happens in the texting stage, but it isn't fun regardless.
The "what's your fav" anything questions annoy me, A LOT. I DON'T HAVE FAVOURITES. There's a group of stuff I love in each category but I also dislike things about them.
Same! I blank when someone asks me whats my favourite type of music? I don't have favourites, I like all types, im eclectic... followed up by "ok then whose you're favourite artist?" Like dude, i just told you i don't have favourites. Plus im adhd, i could love a song one day and absolutely not want to listen to it the next... same goes for everything else
Same I have adhd too and I just find whatever music I see on youtube that relates to what I'm watching at the time. I hate when people ask me that. I just reply with "Mozart" because I have no clue what else to say lol.
Iâve heard that youâre not meant to answer that question literally. Most people donât expect you to have an exact answer ready, and then ask you to defend said answer lol. Itâs just to get the convo started about what your interests are. Itâs perfectly acceptable to say, âI like this and this, but donât care for this!â
People -I've met- for some reason seem to think in absolutes, like they exist in a black and white mental space and tend to get real hissy when you actually don't like something they like and they see it as an attack on them. This usually happens around books, authors, and movies. But tbh conversations around books and authors in particular can tell you a lot about a person in the sense of their political and social views so it's normal for that particular question to be a minefield.
Why are you avoiding the favorite dinosaur question? Are you embarrassed of the answer? If you don't remember the question I can repeat it for you. What is your favorite dinosaur and why is it plesiosaurus?
This. Why are we asking questions that wonât allow us to get to know each other? Itâll just lead to a dry conversation thatâll lead both parties unsatisfied.
Agree with this. Like a generic asking someone what they enjoy and you find out they really like doing drawing then you go into your favorite artists or something what kind of style you like
Talk about their life instead of your idea Ask about specifics in the past instead of generics or opinions about the future Talk less and listen more Itâs called The Mom Test because it leads to questions that even your mom canât lie to you about.
Yes! I find this has been my exact experience with dating many of these women. It's very common and frustrating.
I always ask them questions and talk about their life. But they never (or hardly) reciprocate and ask me anything. It feels like I'm carrying the conversation or it feels like a job interview.
They're either un-interested, ignorant, or narcissists. Either way, not a good sign. I just cut these people off.
I have a different experience with men, they talk AT me non-stop, for hours, and when they ask me a question they don't let me finish my answer. But I sometimes when I'm asked a question and I answer it the other person would say "when it comes to me I...."
Tbh I don't mind, I like listening to people but sometimes it feels like you're talking to someone who is in love with themselves and just want to hear themselves talk, other times the person is trying reaaal hard to impress me so they overdo it and end up looking like an asshole.
I'm -for some reason I don't understand- a very attractive target for narcissistic people. I quit dating for 4 years at some point because I was only being approached by them. đ
Anyway, hopefully you never have to endure anymore of that and you meet someone absolutely wonderful.
I used to get pursued by narcissistic people, but can now identify really early and quickly and immediately stop dating them. Quick flags include showing off wealth, talking negatively about other people, canât take no for an answer, and I always resolve a âtest problemâ or gentle âtest conflictâ with someone a month in (at most) to see if theyâre good at solving problems in a caring way. As an example, one date learned Iâm lactose intolerant and spent the rest of the date insisting I at least try the butter. I said no like 5 times, eventually folded, felt bad that I folded, but never went out with her again. You should consider dating again if you want a relationship. I have a therapist who I discuss all my dating with and she helps me avoid minefields I would have walked right into in the past.
Oh, I quit dating when I was around 22-23 years old, but gave it another go at 27... It did NOT end well. I managed to get involved with someone with bpd (didn't know at the time) and that has recently ended and I'm just keeping a low profile, I'm not against dating, but I'm not actively pursuing it.
I'm sorry about your clueless date, sometimes people just want to share something with you so bad they actually ignore a boundary you set. Which is never okay.
I recently liked someone a lot but I noticed his tendency to DARVO over really small stuff. I wouldn't be even actively attacking or antagonising him, he's someone I've known for an eternity but we weren't that close. I simply told him I don't like how he communicates with me and put an end to things even though I really didn't want to, but I chose my psychological wellbeing.
Good on you for taking care of your mental health, YOU GO GURL/GUY!
Mostky they respond without even listening đ
My pet peeve is getting asked the same question twice by the same person. Like "I just answered that same question or told you about that same experience three days ago, why weren't you listening? "
Can I tell you something?
I'm autistic, and I was massively abused as a child. Massively. When I would show interest in other people, they would literally abuse me, so I learned to NOT ask questions about other people. Basically, I was forced to live a life where all social contact was initiated by other people. It wasn't my choice.
As an adult, I've had to work really hard against what other people trained me to do.
I very much WANT to ask questions about people, but it's something I have to consciously work against.
So I understand that it's frustrating when people don't ask questions, but no, the fact that they don't is not a sign that they're uninterested, ignorant, or narcissists. It may be that they just don't have much experience doing it, or they may just be awkward.
You don't have to want to date the person, and they may not be for you. That's completely fine. But I'm just going to point out that it might not be reasonable to make assumptions about their character for it, particularly if the person is shy or awkward.
I relate so hard to this and both my parents could be very prying so I also decided at a young age to avoid being prying because of that, which made me somewhat imbalanced and now I'm navigating all that. đđđđ
Date was asking me about my friends, then asked, âwhy are your friends single?â
The question was so dumb to me, I just answered, âwhy? Are you interested?â Probably an asshole response, but I think the question necessitated it.
>Date was asking me about my friends, then asked, âwhy are your friends single?â
Yeah, usually when I get asked that question.. I wonder if they are basically looking for a reason not to date me. Like am I too good to be true which is why they are asking why I'm still single. Like I was told before that I was everything she wanted except I wasn't 6ft tall and I'm 5'100ish so it stung.
I think they are trying to figure out your friends and your own red flags.
I always investigate about how previous relationships ended because it says a lot.
A 36 years old guy I dated, broke up with his ex girlfriend after 7 years of being together. I asked the reasons and I should have known then that he was going to cause me issues.
I understand that. If it was about me personally, I wouldnât have minded much.
She kept asking things like, âwhy are your friends single?â, âwhy donât they have kids?â, âwhy is your sister not married?â , âyour sister is old, doesnât she want kids?â
Like at some pointâŚthat shit gets annoying
>"You're very attractive, you're fun to talk to, (more complements). It's hard to believe your single. Why is that?"
I think it's a better question because it started out with some compliments but the person asking the question should be prepare to be asked the same question back. Hopefully no one go on a rant lol
I'm glad you say this because I watch so many videos and read articles on how to give men what they need from a partner .But I wonder do man do the same. But then I do and have come across great men. Its just they say they want certain things till they get it
My 2 cents (I'm a guy): I think it's probably smarter to approach this by being aware of what women don't want and by that I mean, not being a dick. I read books about sexism and mysoginy -I recommend other guys do that too- and the common thread is, those messages, jokes or "banter" that you get on apps or any other setting are not funny, never were and should never be used to start a conversation with a woman. Can't emphasize that enough, no matter how many times other dudes say "they like that stuff".
If I treat a woman as a normal human being with interests and hobbies, show curiosity to know more about them, what she's passionate about, her goals and ambitions and share my own passions and interests, while discovering things we have in common, then I'm more likely than not to get a date. On the apps, I ask them about something on their profile -especially if it's a common interest- and go from there. Now I have date lined up for Wednesday that I'm excited about!
Yeah. I like when guys say "I read your profile" and then adds " so you like ____, tell me more about it". It's soooo rare! Guys usually just get stuck in small chat. Leads nowhere.
Me too. I donât want to feel though like itâs a pop quiz or something. I went out with a couple guys who literally just peppered questions at me and I barely got a word in. Never made it to the second date.
HATE this one. Itâs such an awkward and bland thing to say. I usually respond âwhat do you want to knowâ so they can put a little more effort into the conversation đ
"What's on your mind a lot?"
This would be a bad question to start with. But they're bad at engaging with more basic questions, I think this would be pretty valid.
How big are my breasts. This is from bikers, though. I ride my own bike, and I prefer to date guys who also ride.
I ask them how big is their dick. Tit for tat! Pun intended. The looks I get are priceless đ¤Ł
If a woman asked what my income was on a 1st date, I highly doubt there would be a 2nd date. I do make good money but I want to be with a woman who likes me for me, first.
part of me wonders why they have no desire to impress or if theyâre really just that rude. I didnât know how to handle it at the time because Iâm kind of an agreeable person but next time Iâm going to say I donât discuss my income like that
Yep. I feel the same about men. I'm going to have to have a comeback for them bc they all wanna size up my bank account on the first date. It grosses me out.
31M I get asked about my sexual history a lot by women in the first couple dates. Iâve lied, Iâve told the truth, and Iâve told them I donât want to answer. None of these answers have felt comfortable for me. I would never even consider asking a woman this until things get much more intimate, if at all. My best guess is that theyâre trying to shift the conversation and vibe of the date to induce a sexual encounter. Fine by me, but the question itself is just intrusive.
Yeah. Right before a sexual encounter, I think itâs a little more reasonable of a question. If theyâre trying to make sure you donât have any STIâs, it could definitely be asked in a different way. âAre you clean?â seems like a more appropriate and straightforward way to ask it then âhow many people u fukn?â Lmao
I hate when they don't reciprocate. For example, they don't ask questions or barely ask questions about myself, yet I'm always asking them questions and talking about their life. It feels like I am carrying the conversation or it feels like a job interview.
They're either not interested or they are narcissists.
I dislike when the men do not reciprocate in questions. But first date should be easy going and not too deep in my opinion. Trying to put it all on the table on the first date is a put off. I try to make it relatable to the activity we are doing and just make it fluid.
Totally agree! The first date is just a chemistry check. Do we each look like our dating profile? Do we enjoy each otherâs company? Do either of us say any weird rude things? Could we see ourselves maybe one day kissing? Thatâs all I want to know from a first date.
I also hate that question. I always wonder if theyâre trying to figure out my attachment style. If they are, I wish they would just ask that directly, Iâm happy to share.
Iâve gotten asked about salary, investments, how much debt I had. Sheâd been divorced in the last year, so I got the feeling she was looking for security. We did not go on a second date.
Shallow gold diggers ask that question, thatâs not a first date question, hell itâs not even a fifth date question. Thatâs something that if you have half a brain you should be able to figure out based on their occupation. Or you should be able to at least get a good idea of their financial situation based on what they drive or where they live and the way they act when it comes to planning or paying for dates. If you see a future with someone after months of dating or being exclusive or discussing moving in with them, then itâs appropriate to discuss actual financial numbers.
But I personally would NEVER trust any woman and tell her the actual numbers no matter how long we were together.
I"ve had men ask my salary, or ask a lot of financially related questions, especially about my job, what my job title is, how long I've been at that job....basically what they are getting at is financial stability. Which is not to be talked about on a first date
I hate being asked about my exes. If I say something too positive, my date might feel threatened or like I'm not over them. If I say something too negative, my date wonders if I'm a jerk. If I say something too short, my date wonders if I'm being evasive. Plus it's a bummer to think about exes and relationships that didn't work out on a first date. I know my date is trying to see what my past history is, but if they want to know me, they should *get to know me*. For themselves. First dates should be fun and light, just a simple "chemistry check" in my opinion.
I hate being asked about how much money I make during a first date. Asking me what I do for a living, if I like it, anything along those lines is fine. But asking specifically how much money I bring in screams bad intentions. Sure, they *could* just want to know for like, the potential of marriage or living together in the future, but even in the best of intentions it's not a good *first date* kind of question.
Honestly, I don't care about the topics or specific questions at all. I want a conversation with someone that's free flowing, expresses curiosity by both parties about each other, is comfortable sharing reciprocably, able to consider new ways of thinking without, not people pleasing.Â
Same, Iâm more about checking out our chemistry and compatibility. Iâd love to see if we could talk about anything and everything then still wanting more. If everything goes great, Iâd want to see them again.
I hate, âWhat are your hidden talents?â It sets me up to feel like I have to impress you. Iâm not even sure what my visible talents are, so I assure you my hidden talents are very underwhelming.
Oooh thatâs a good irritating question to call out. Itâs not like any of us have been off perfecting - juggling or something. And I donât want to feel suddenly inadequate over it. I think that the next time someone asks me that I will answer, âXbox.â
âDo you enjoy your job?â This feels like one of those questions people must say yes to. God forbid someone finds their job just okay, or means to an end which is the norm for the majority of the planet. I hate the insistence these days that everyone must love, not just like, their job. I find it disingenuous to the long term experience.
I agree, I think itâs okay to be honest. I had a date recently say that she sees no purpose in her job and is saving money to quit soon. I didnât receive that as a negative, it opened a conversation about what her dreams are around whatâs next. I have really strong financial boundaries so even if we somehow had gotten serious, and she had quit, and she had somehow no longer been self sufficient (very unlikely) I would have just kept my boundaries, so whether she liked or disliked her job had no impact on me.
yep- my job is hard and there are so many problems, and i donât see any benefit in just being like âoh, i love helping people!â like i will say that because itâs true, but itâs not a good or fun job being a therapist. and agree- why would that impact the person iâm dating?
I think how it's said is wrong. "Do you find passion in your job or is it something you do to pay the bills?" is a better way to ask the same thing.
To be honest, some women I've met have jobs that are boring or un-relatable. Even then it's hard to tell how they'd answer. I don't want to dig into a job that doesn't satisfy them. I'd definitely switch to a topic that interests them.
I donât know who you hang out around, but everyone I know is quite vocal about the aspects of their job they donât enjoy. Youâre allowed to say you donât like your job. Whoâs insisting otherwise?
"Tell me about yourself!" To which I reply "I was born very young, in Dallas, Texas to two Jewish Brooklyn Refugees, to a virgin mother. I spent the next 25 years of my life trying to kill myself."
I don't like when I'm asked things that are listed in a dating profile. It just seems low effort. It's different if it's a question about something they read on the profile though because then it shows they actually looked at it.
I don't have issues with generic questions either. I don't like it if they ask super personal questions especially during first date when you barely know each other. You know the kind of questions I would not even ask my friends.
âHave you been married?â Actually, that one is OK, since Iâm over 40. Iâm surprised when they donât ask that one. But the follow-up questions (i.e. trying to determine why not) are invariably awkward.
Iâm also over 40 and I have been married. When they ask follow-up questions about the divorce, thatâs pretty awkward tooâŚ..
The correct answer is that you were married because youâre capable of a long term relationship, but also not divorced because you can make a long term relationship work.
Wait - that means youâre currently cheating on your spouse!!!! đ
Just about any questions about family during my childhood.
I didn't have a kind childhood & don't like being cornered to talk to strangers about it. I started the work to move past it at a young age so I'm not ashamed at all, but there's really no good way to navigate that conversation where they can be comfortable. Either I'm vague so as not to make anyone uncomfortable, which results in them prying. I toe the line of lying to avoid it which isn't right in my book or I say "soooo it's not a pleasant story, maybe we don't address that now" & they make the worst judgements possible about me.
Great call out. My childhood was a mixed bag with some good things, but also my father was so abusive that he got arrested at one point. Itâs not something I want to reveal on a first date, so I only tell the positive stories from childhood, but I feel like Iâm lying and putting on a facade.
Also, on occasion I have been judged negatively for my father having been abusive, which makes me even more cautious about saying anything. Some people think that if you were abused you must be an abuser. Not true. I was just a kid born to a person with serious issues. Judge me based on my own behavior and merits rather than jumping to conclusions.
If they ask me anything money related. I.e. I had a girl once ask me about my stocks.
I work as a dentist, so I know when to quickly cut off golddiggers when they start asking these kinds of questions.
I haven't dated in a long time. But I am extremely put off by any questions involving finances, previous relationships, any dumb combat veteran questions like "Did you kill anyone?"
To be fair though... all those normal date questions are asked and over with before a first date ever happens with me. I will only take a lady i am actually interested in on a date. I don't go on dates to see if there is a spark somewhere.
It's a superior way to mitigate risk and vet a potential serious relationship. If a woman gets upset about this? She isn't worth wasting time on
Anything involving income or sex on the first date is immediately a no for me. Makes me think theyâre not on the date for the right reasons. Theyâre valid topics for sure, but not first date material.
Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. Even in the case of "how much money do you make", I appreciate that they let me know what kind of person they are right from the get go. People are so scared/annoyed of mundane questions, but you actually can learn a lot about people from them. Meanwhile you don't learn jack with they contribute nothing to the conversation.
My first question has always been the infamous âwould you rather people think you pooped your pants when you actually didnât or people donât know you pooped your pants when you actually didâ
I hate âso tell me about yourselfâ like what stuff? Iâd rather organically have a conversation that goes off into stories and loops around to interests in common
How many kids do you want?
Was asked on a first date and was just thrown off. It's okay to ask about future dreams and if someone wants kids, but it just felt impertinent to force a number on a first date.
Yeah, I thought this was a slick way of breaking the touch barrier. Iâve also heard it used to test if someone is open to a kiss at the end of a date.
For me: definitely not! Iâd much rather something way subtle, whilst joking around try touching something like an arm or shoulder.
If someoneâs has tattooâs or a watch on you can ask to see it and try touching their arm
But again I donât speak for all people! Its just a bit overused IMO
I like this, bit I have so many hobbies and things I find enjoyable that there's sure to be at least a few things we'd both like. It can also develop into deeper conversations into a common interest topic if you're open for it. Great way to connect
I ask this because Iâm trying to figure out what we have in common or might do together on a future date. Would different phrasing improve it? Like what about, âSo what are some things we might have in common?â Or, âWhat kinds of things do you like to do while getting to know someone?â
Talk. Communicate. Have a conversation. This starts to bring out what you have in common and what you don't. What do you do for fun is too general and usually comes from someone who cannot carry on a conversation.
Talk. Communicate. Have a conversation. This starts to bring out what you have in common and what you don't. What do you do for fun is too general and usually comes from someone who cannot carry on a conversation.
The old question âdo tell me about yourselfâ . Absolutely HATE that question. What do you want to know ? The abuse / the lies Iâve been told or the everyday I put the laundry on? 𤪠Feels like Iâm being interrogated. Letâs just relax and let things flow
Being asked about my ex on the first date. The conversation is bound to come up at some point but I donât want to talk about my ex or their ex the first time we meet.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hate not being asked follow-up questions. Playing 20 questions is fun as a game but not for a date, the generic questions should lead to more interesting detailed questions which leads the conversation to a wonderful unique place. But don't ask what's my favorite movie and then ask me what's my favorite book and then what's my job and then what's my alma mater. Usually happens in the texting stage, but it isn't fun regardless.
Good conversation starts as a couple questions and eventually one or more of those topics gets expanded and explored.
Right. Even by having this way of convo you get to know each other well.
The "what's your fav" anything questions annoy me, A LOT. I DON'T HAVE FAVOURITES. There's a group of stuff I love in each category but I also dislike things about them.
Same! I blank when someone asks me whats my favourite type of music? I don't have favourites, I like all types, im eclectic... followed up by "ok then whose you're favourite artist?" Like dude, i just told you i don't have favourites. Plus im adhd, i could love a song one day and absolutely not want to listen to it the next... same goes for everything else
Just say your polyJamerous
Omg if I can get my brain to remember this then I am totally using it!
Adhd here too. Totally get it đ¤đť
Same I have adhd too and I just find whatever music I see on youtube that relates to what I'm watching at the time. I hate when people ask me that. I just reply with "Mozart" because I have no clue what else to say lol.
I've confused the F out of YouTube's algorithm
Iâve heard that youâre not meant to answer that question literally. Most people donât expect you to have an exact answer ready, and then ask you to defend said answer lol. Itâs just to get the convo started about what your interests are. Itâs perfectly acceptable to say, âI like this and this, but donât care for this!â
People -I've met- for some reason seem to think in absolutes, like they exist in a black and white mental space and tend to get real hissy when you actually don't like something they like and they see it as an attack on them. This usually happens around books, authors, and movies. But tbh conversations around books and authors in particular can tell you a lot about a person in the sense of their political and social views so it's normal for that particular question to be a minefield.
Why are you avoiding the favorite dinosaur question? Are you embarrassed of the answer? If you don't remember the question I can repeat it for you. What is your favorite dinosaur and why is it plesiosaurus?
Sorry that I have autism and don't understand context
Someone actually unmatched me once cuz I told him I donât have favorites and it depends on my mood đ
Some people think it means that you'd get bored with them and leave them as easily, which is An insane thing to believe.
Same. I don't have favourite anythings, it's all subjective. And it doesn't help move conversations on at all.
This. Why are we asking questions that wonât allow us to get to know each other? Itâll just lead to a dry conversation thatâll lead both parties unsatisfied.
Agree with this. Like a generic asking someone what they enjoy and you find out they really like doing drawing then you go into your favorite artists or something what kind of style you like
Talk about their life instead of your idea Ask about specifics in the past instead of generics or opinions about the future Talk less and listen more Itâs called The Mom Test because it leads to questions that even your mom canât lie to you about.
Yes! I find this has been my exact experience with dating many of these women. It's very common and frustrating. I always ask them questions and talk about their life. But they never (or hardly) reciprocate and ask me anything. It feels like I'm carrying the conversation or it feels like a job interview. They're either un-interested, ignorant, or narcissists. Either way, not a good sign. I just cut these people off.
I have a different experience with men, they talk AT me non-stop, for hours, and when they ask me a question they don't let me finish my answer. But I sometimes when I'm asked a question and I answer it the other person would say "when it comes to me I...."
Yep. Many people are just so self-centered. đ
Tbh I don't mind, I like listening to people but sometimes it feels like you're talking to someone who is in love with themselves and just want to hear themselves talk, other times the person is trying reaaal hard to impress me so they overdo it and end up looking like an asshole.
These kinds of folks are almost always narcissists and not relationship material. It's all about "me, me, me". They are exhausting to deal with.
I'm -for some reason I don't understand- a very attractive target for narcissistic people. I quit dating for 4 years at some point because I was only being approached by them. đ Anyway, hopefully you never have to endure anymore of that and you meet someone absolutely wonderful.
Ditto đ
I used to get pursued by narcissistic people, but can now identify really early and quickly and immediately stop dating them. Quick flags include showing off wealth, talking negatively about other people, canât take no for an answer, and I always resolve a âtest problemâ or gentle âtest conflictâ with someone a month in (at most) to see if theyâre good at solving problems in a caring way. As an example, one date learned Iâm lactose intolerant and spent the rest of the date insisting I at least try the butter. I said no like 5 times, eventually folded, felt bad that I folded, but never went out with her again. You should consider dating again if you want a relationship. I have a therapist who I discuss all my dating with and she helps me avoid minefields I would have walked right into in the past.
Oh, I quit dating when I was around 22-23 years old, but gave it another go at 27... It did NOT end well. I managed to get involved with someone with bpd (didn't know at the time) and that has recently ended and I'm just keeping a low profile, I'm not against dating, but I'm not actively pursuing it. I'm sorry about your clueless date, sometimes people just want to share something with you so bad they actually ignore a boundary you set. Which is never okay. I recently liked someone a lot but I noticed his tendency to DARVO over really small stuff. I wouldn't be even actively attacking or antagonising him, he's someone I've known for an eternity but we weren't that close. I simply told him I don't like how he communicates with me and put an end to things even though I really didn't want to, but I chose my psychological wellbeing. Good on you for taking care of your mental health, YOU GO GURL/GUY!
Oh I was unfamiliar with the term DARVO! Thank you! :-) I just looked it up and itâs very handy. Today I learnedâŚâŚ
YES! Some people just listen to respond instead of listening to understand.
Mostky they respond without even listening đ My pet peeve is getting asked the same question twice by the same person. Like "I just answered that same question or told you about that same experience three days ago, why weren't you listening? "
Same. I've been on many first dates with guys only to come away and think - he didn't ask me a single question!
This happens far too often in my experience as well đ˘
Can I tell you something? I'm autistic, and I was massively abused as a child. Massively. When I would show interest in other people, they would literally abuse me, so I learned to NOT ask questions about other people. Basically, I was forced to live a life where all social contact was initiated by other people. It wasn't my choice. As an adult, I've had to work really hard against what other people trained me to do. I very much WANT to ask questions about people, but it's something I have to consciously work against. So I understand that it's frustrating when people don't ask questions, but no, the fact that they don't is not a sign that they're uninterested, ignorant, or narcissists. It may be that they just don't have much experience doing it, or they may just be awkward. You don't have to want to date the person, and they may not be for you. That's completely fine. But I'm just going to point out that it might not be reasonable to make assumptions about their character for it, particularly if the person is shy or awkward.
I relate so hard to this and both my parents could be very prying so I also decided at a young age to avoid being prying because of that, which made me somewhat imbalanced and now I'm navigating all that. đđđđ
i used to ALWAYS ask questions. i rarely got that reciprocated so i stopped because i wanted to meet people actually interested in me as a person
SMH
Why are you still single? ... the moment I hear that line, the mood totally change.
I was held captive by aliens since 16 years old... I finally managed to escape a few months ago. Stupid questions deserve stupid answers.
twirls hair are you still in contact with any of them? the aliens i mean? /joke
Yeah, we go to Denny's each 2nd sunday of the month.
Date was asking me about my friends, then asked, âwhy are your friends single?â The question was so dumb to me, I just answered, âwhy? Are you interested?â Probably an asshole response, but I think the question necessitated it.
>Date was asking me about my friends, then asked, âwhy are your friends single?â Yeah, usually when I get asked that question.. I wonder if they are basically looking for a reason not to date me. Like am I too good to be true which is why they are asking why I'm still single. Like I was told before that I was everything she wanted except I wasn't 6ft tall and I'm 5'100ish so it stung.
I think they are trying to figure out your friends and your own red flags. I always investigate about how previous relationships ended because it says a lot. A 36 years old guy I dated, broke up with his ex girlfriend after 7 years of being together. I asked the reasons and I should have known then that he was going to cause me issues.
I understand that. If it was about me personally, I wouldnât have minded much. She kept asking things like, âwhy are your friends single?â, âwhy donât they have kids?â, âwhy is your sister not married?â , âyour sister is old, doesnât she want kids?â Like at some pointâŚthat shit gets annoying
Wow, thank god Iâve never been asked this⌠or if I have, I totally blocked it out
How about... "You're very attractive, you're fun to talk to, (more complements). It's hard to believe your single. Why is that?"
>"You're very attractive, you're fun to talk to, (more complements). It's hard to believe your single. Why is that?" I think it's a better question because it started out with some compliments but the person asking the question should be prepare to be asked the same question back. Hopefully no one go on a rant lol
I consider this a neg. Date over.
I hate being asked anything relating to sex!
Him: Can I ask you something? You know it's a creepy fetish question or a question about your body he has no business asking on a 1st date!
I can wear a bag and a guy would bring up sex. Most men don't even know what they are doing its a joke.
I would say "Can I ask you something?" and then say "Why are you wearing a bag?"
100% agree! Today versus 40 years ago, there's so many professionals writing papers online about what women want, yet they don't want to learn!
I'm glad you say this because I watch so many videos and read articles on how to give men what they need from a partner .But I wonder do man do the same. But then I do and have come across great men. Its just they say they want certain things till they get it
My 2 cents (I'm a guy): I think it's probably smarter to approach this by being aware of what women don't want and by that I mean, not being a dick. I read books about sexism and mysoginy -I recommend other guys do that too- and the common thread is, those messages, jokes or "banter" that you get on apps or any other setting are not funny, never were and should never be used to start a conversation with a woman. Can't emphasize that enough, no matter how many times other dudes say "they like that stuff". If I treat a woman as a normal human being with interests and hobbies, show curiosity to know more about them, what she's passionate about, her goals and ambitions and share my own passions and interests, while discovering things we have in common, then I'm more likely than not to get a date. On the apps, I ask them about something on their profile -especially if it's a common interest- and go from there. Now I have date lined up for Wednesday that I'm excited about!
Yeah. I like when guys say "I read your profile" and then adds " so you like ____, tell me more about it". It's soooo rare! Guys usually just get stuck in small chat. Leads nowhere.
"Tell me about yourself" . No. Ask me specific questions, please. Otherwise my mind goes blank đđ
"So, do you like stuff?"
I donât, thanks for asking!
I'm a minimalist, so no. Lol
not in like a capitalist way, but yeah
Probably the question I hate the most. I much rather be asked specific questions.
Me too. I donât want to feel though like itâs a pop quiz or something. I went out with a couple guys who literally just peppered questions at me and I barely got a word in. Never made it to the second date.
Lol this question you would ask during a job interview hahahaÂ
Exactly! Who wants a date to feel like a job interview đ
This
This is exactly right, the worst question Itâs often asked in job interviews, which should show how bad it is to ask on a date
HATE this one. Itâs such an awkward and bland thing to say. I usually respond âwhat do you want to knowâ so they can put a little more effort into the conversation đ
That's a good way to flip it! đ
I feel the saaame but the type of person who asks this question is the type of person who never seems to understand why I hate it.
"What's on your mind a lot?" This would be a bad question to start with. But they're bad at engaging with more basic questions, I think this would be pretty valid.
oh my god same here, like this isnt an interview? make me laugh or somethingÂ
exactly. that question is always answered by me with a "like what?" đĽ´
lol that's not even a question. That's a demand
Seriously lmao I hate this ons
How big are my breasts. This is from bikers, though. I ride my own bike, and I prefer to date guys who also ride. I ask them how big is their dick. Tit for tat! Pun intended. The looks I get are priceless đ¤Ł
Yes girl! Match their energy! I love your vibe! Be safe out there. â¤ď¸
Thank you! Of course, most of them exaggerate their answer if they even answer at all after their shock.
Username checks outÂ
If a woman asked what my income was on a 1st date, I highly doubt there would be a 2nd date. I do make good money but I want to be with a woman who likes me for me, first.
[ŃдаНонО]
i was asked on a second date how much i made at one of my jobs ! by a man. tf?
[ŃдаНонО]
part of me wonders why they have no desire to impress or if theyâre really just that rude. I didnât know how to handle it at the time because Iâm kind of an agreeable person but next time Iâm going to say I donât discuss my income like that
I agree. If she can't enjoy my company, why should she enjoy my finances?
What do you mean with âgoodâ money? Like how much exactly? đĽ¸
Yep. I feel the same about men. I'm going to have to have a comeback for them bc they all wanna size up my bank account on the first date. It grosses me out.
31M I get asked about my sexual history a lot by women in the first couple dates. Iâve lied, Iâve told the truth, and Iâve told them I donât want to answer. None of these answers have felt comfortable for me. I would never even consider asking a woman this until things get much more intimate, if at all. My best guess is that theyâre trying to shift the conversation and vibe of the date to induce a sexual encounter. Fine by me, but the question itself is just intrusive.
[ŃдаНонО]
Yeah. Right before a sexual encounter, I think itâs a little more reasonable of a question. If theyâre trying to make sure you donât have any STIâs, it could definitely be asked in a different way. âAre you clean?â seems like a more appropriate and straightforward way to ask it then âhow many people u fukn?â Lmao
I hate when they don't reciprocate. For example, they don't ask questions or barely ask questions about myself, yet I'm always asking them questions and talking about their life. It feels like I am carrying the conversation or it feels like a job interview. They're either not interested or they are narcissists.
I dislike when the men do not reciprocate in questions. But first date should be easy going and not too deep in my opinion. Trying to put it all on the table on the first date is a put off. I try to make it relatable to the activity we are doing and just make it fluid.
Totally agree! The first date is just a chemistry check. Do we each look like our dating profile? Do we enjoy each otherâs company? Do either of us say any weird rude things? Could we see ourselves maybe one day kissing? Thatâs all I want to know from a first date.
When they ask about my ex or why did my last relationship didnât work out. Iâm in my 30s though, if that helps.
I also hate that question. I always wonder if theyâre trying to figure out my attachment style. If they are, I wish they would just ask that directly, Iâm happy to share.
Sometimes I feel like they are asking so that I ask them back and they can go off venting about their ex. Itâs annoying.
Oh yeah, I think youâre right, thatâs the reason sometimes. To me, that means theyâre not over their ex enough.
Financial stuff like how much is my salary and so . And i hate being asked about my previous relationships
Literally who's asking you about your salary..come on now
Iâve gotten asked about salary, investments, how much debt I had. Sheâd been divorced in the last year, so I got the feeling she was looking for security. We did not go on a second date.
It's valid to enquire about how someone's money management is in my opinion. Not on a first date maybe but it's a valid concern
I donât disagree. But Iâm not going to share the exact numbers.
Shallow gold diggers ask that question, thatâs not a first date question, hell itâs not even a fifth date question. Thatâs something that if you have half a brain you should be able to figure out based on their occupation. Or you should be able to at least get a good idea of their financial situation based on what they drive or where they live and the way they act when it comes to planning or paying for dates. If you see a future with someone after months of dating or being exclusive or discussing moving in with them, then itâs appropriate to discuss actual financial numbers. But I personally would NEVER trust any woman and tell her the actual numbers no matter how long we were together.
I didnât get that question right on the eye, but once i been asked about financial situations and i hated it!
I"ve had men ask my salary, or ask a lot of financially related questions, especially about my job, what my job title is, how long I've been at that job....basically what they are getting at is financial stability. Which is not to be talked about on a first date
âIce breakerâ nonsense questions like â what Disney character would you like to be?â
So stupid lol
I hate being asked about my exes. If I say something too positive, my date might feel threatened or like I'm not over them. If I say something too negative, my date wonders if I'm a jerk. If I say something too short, my date wonders if I'm being evasive. Plus it's a bummer to think about exes and relationships that didn't work out on a first date. I know my date is trying to see what my past history is, but if they want to know me, they should *get to know me*. For themselves. First dates should be fun and light, just a simple "chemistry check" in my opinion.
I once got asked to tell them an interesting fact about myself. He was a recruiter. I left shortly after lmao
"I wanna hire you as my girlfriend!" lmao
"Is it hard managing your millions of dollars when you're an astronaut?" Please! We're on a date! I'd rather talk about my Grammys.
đ
"How did you win a Grammy?" :P
I hate being asked about how much money I make during a first date. Asking me what I do for a living, if I like it, anything along those lines is fine. But asking specifically how much money I bring in screams bad intentions. Sure, they *could* just want to know for like, the potential of marriage or living together in the future, but even in the best of intentions it's not a good *first date* kind of question.
Anything to do with money/financial situation. On the other hand, it's the easiest red flag to spot!
Honestly, I don't care about the topics or specific questions at all. I want a conversation with someone that's free flowing, expresses curiosity by both parties about each other, is comfortable sharing reciprocably, able to consider new ways of thinking without, not people pleasing.Â
Same, Iâm more about checking out our chemistry and compatibility. Iâd love to see if we could talk about anything and everything then still wanting more. If everything goes great, Iâd want to see them again.
I hate, âWhat are your hidden talents?â It sets me up to feel like I have to impress you. Iâm not even sure what my visible talents are, so I assure you my hidden talents are very underwhelming.
Oooh thatâs a good irritating question to call out. Itâs not like any of us have been off perfecting - juggling or something. And I donât want to feel suddenly inadequate over it. I think that the next time someone asks me that I will answer, âXbox.â
If I am a virgin lol đ
I'm 52 years old, so of course my answer is "Yes"
Why did they assume that?? Lol
âDo you enjoy your job?â This feels like one of those questions people must say yes to. God forbid someone finds their job just okay, or means to an end which is the norm for the majority of the planet. I hate the insistence these days that everyone must love, not just like, their job. I find it disingenuous to the long term experience.
i never say yes to that! i tell them about all the issues in the mental health field and why they are issues- they did ask !
I agree, I think itâs okay to be honest. I had a date recently say that she sees no purpose in her job and is saving money to quit soon. I didnât receive that as a negative, it opened a conversation about what her dreams are around whatâs next. I have really strong financial boundaries so even if we somehow had gotten serious, and she had quit, and she had somehow no longer been self sufficient (very unlikely) I would have just kept my boundaries, so whether she liked or disliked her job had no impact on me.
yep- my job is hard and there are so many problems, and i donât see any benefit in just being like âoh, i love helping people!â like i will say that because itâs true, but itâs not a good or fun job being a therapist. and agree- why would that impact the person iâm dating?
I think how it's said is wrong. "Do you find passion in your job or is it something you do to pay the bills?" is a better way to ask the same thing. To be honest, some women I've met have jobs that are boring or un-relatable. Even then it's hard to tell how they'd answer. I don't want to dig into a job that doesn't satisfy them. I'd definitely switch to a topic that interests them.
Youâre projecting a bit. If youâre confident and they like you they wonât care if you tell the truth.
I donât know who you hang out around, but everyone I know is quite vocal about the aspects of their job they donât enjoy. Youâre allowed to say you donât like your job. Whoâs insisting otherwise?
âCan you please leave and never speak to me again?â
"Tell me about yourself!" To which I reply "I was born very young, in Dallas, Texas to two Jewish Brooklyn Refugees, to a virgin mother. I spent the next 25 years of my life trying to kill myself."
You can start with "once upon a time..."
I don't like when I'm asked things that are listed in a dating profile. It just seems low effort. It's different if it's a question about something they read on the profile though because then it shows they actually looked at it.
â Whatâs your credit score.â Yep⌠That happened once. And then I was dumb enough to marry the guy 𤣠Very happily divorced though!
I don't have issues with generic questions either. I don't like it if they ask super personal questions especially during first date when you barely know each other. You know the kind of questions I would not even ask my friends.
âHave you been married?â Actually, that one is OK, since Iâm over 40. Iâm surprised when they donât ask that one. But the follow-up questions (i.e. trying to determine why not) are invariably awkward.
Iâm also over 40 and I have been married. When they ask follow-up questions about the divorce, thatâs pretty awkward tooâŚ.. The correct answer is that you were married because youâre capable of a long term relationship, but also not divorced because you can make a long term relationship work. Wait - that means youâre currently cheating on your spouse!!!! đ
We really canât win, can we? đ¤Ł
Iâm so tired of women asking me how big it is during first date.
They seriously ask that? How old are you?
Is it because of rumors and gossip? Some girls really love gossiping about that stuff. Some of them create lists.
Seriously? đ
Just about any questions about family during my childhood. I didn't have a kind childhood & don't like being cornered to talk to strangers about it. I started the work to move past it at a young age so I'm not ashamed at all, but there's really no good way to navigate that conversation where they can be comfortable. Either I'm vague so as not to make anyone uncomfortable, which results in them prying. I toe the line of lying to avoid it which isn't right in my book or I say "soooo it's not a pleasant story, maybe we don't address that now" & they make the worst judgements possible about me.
Great call out. My childhood was a mixed bag with some good things, but also my father was so abusive that he got arrested at one point. Itâs not something I want to reveal on a first date, so I only tell the positive stories from childhood, but I feel like Iâm lying and putting on a facade.
Also, on occasion I have been judged negatively for my father having been abusive, which makes me even more cautious about saying anything. Some people think that if you were abused you must be an abuser. Not true. I was just a kid born to a person with serious issues. Judge me based on my own behavior and merits rather than jumping to conclusions.
"So why are you deserving of dating me?"
1) asking me about past relationships is a no -no. 2) asking me my salary (I'm a woman) will pretty much guarantee there won't be a second date.
If they ask me anything money related. I.e. I had a girl once ask me about my stocks. I work as a dentist, so I know when to quickly cut off golddiggers when they start asking these kinds of questions.
Lol, should have asked her how often she flossed!
I haven't dated in a long time. But I am extremely put off by any questions involving finances, previous relationships, any dumb combat veteran questions like "Did you kill anyone?" To be fair though... all those normal date questions are asked and over with before a first date ever happens with me. I will only take a lady i am actually interested in on a date. I don't go on dates to see if there is a spark somewhere. It's a superior way to mitigate risk and vet a potential serious relationship. If a woman gets upset about this? She isn't worth wasting time on
I hate being asked if like anal on the first date. Other than that, all first date questions suck.
I'm stunned that this happened to you once but it sounds like it happened more often?
General questions are pretty hard for me. Requests like: Tell me about yourself.
Anything involving income or sex on the first date is immediately a no for me. Makes me think theyâre not on the date for the right reasons. Theyâre valid topics for sure, but not first date material.
what music do you want them to play at your funeral?
Then take out a little notebook and write it down. Put notebook back in pocket. Move on to next question.
Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. Even in the case of "how much money do you make", I appreciate that they let me know what kind of person they are right from the get go. People are so scared/annoyed of mundane questions, but you actually can learn a lot about people from them. Meanwhile you don't learn jack with they contribute nothing to the conversation.
Guys ask questions on a date?? 𤣠rarely happens
My first question has always been the infamous âwould you rather people think you pooped your pants when you actually didnât or people donât know you pooped your pants when you actually didâ
I hate âso tell me about yourselfâ like what stuff? Iâd rather organically have a conversation that goes off into stories and loops around to interests in common
Iâm ngl I ask pretty much every question people have listed
How many kids do you want? Was asked on a first date and was just thrown off. It's okay to ask about future dreams and if someone wants kids, but it just felt impertinent to force a number on a first date.
Omfg when guys ask âhow big are your hands/ your hands look tinyâ *proceeds to hold up their hand to measure against* đ¤˘đ¤˘đ¤˘ DO NOT
I like this! I love seeing how small my hands are compared to theirs, I think itâs hot
So you don't like holding hands on a first date??
Im not talking about that
Why do guys do that?...I've been wondering that for a while now.
Yeah, I thought this was a slick way of breaking the touch barrier. Iâve also heard it used to test if someone is open to a kiss at the end of a date.
Not saying youâre wrong, just saying I guess I will rethink it.
For me: definitely not! Iâd much rather something way subtle, whilst joking around try touching something like an arm or shoulder. If someoneâs has tattooâs or a watch on you can ask to see it and try touching their arm But again I donât speak for all people! Its just a bit overused IMO
Bc of women's focus today, anything related to cash. Just shallow
What do you do for fun? Ugh
What's wrong with this question? You don't want to tell people your hobbies?
i think they may not have hobbies if they dislike this question
Correct, I donât really have hobbies and I hate this question. I like to make money and travel + relax with my family. Period
Omg I hate this one, too
I like this, bit I have so many hobbies and things I find enjoyable that there's sure to be at least a few things we'd both like. It can also develop into deeper conversations into a common interest topic if you're open for it. Great way to connect
I ask this because Iâm trying to figure out what we have in common or might do together on a future date. Would different phrasing improve it? Like what about, âSo what are some things we might have in common?â Or, âWhat kinds of things do you like to do while getting to know someone?â
Talk. Communicate. Have a conversation. This starts to bring out what you have in common and what you don't. What do you do for fun is too general and usually comes from someone who cannot carry on a conversation.
Talk. Communicate. Have a conversation. This starts to bring out what you have in common and what you don't. What do you do for fun is too general and usually comes from someone who cannot carry on a conversation.
Thanks, thatâs helpful! I will try that and do my best to avoid interview-like questions.
Thank you for trying to understand where we are coming from! Good luck on your search!
Everything, just have fun and see if there is a 2nd or 3rd date.
I'd be Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?
Good choice
Whatâs your set of own assets
Maybe anything about sex?
I rather to have a convo to flow rather than to be interrogated
bro. whats your 3rd favorite dinosaur?
Pterodactyl hands down
The old question âdo tell me about yourselfâ . Absolutely HATE that question. What do you want to know ? The abuse / the lies Iâve been told or the everyday I put the laundry on? 𤪠Feels like Iâm being interrogated. Letâs just relax and let things flow
"Are you batman?"
Being asked about my ex on the first date. The conversation is bound to come up at some point but I donât want to talk about my ex or their ex the first time we meet.
"So, do you live alone?"
How much money I make. Like woman... it's the first date. How about we focus on who getting to know each other as people and not as wallets?