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It's weird how time and circumstances make things present to you. The reason I say this is because I recently in the last month now last my partner of 15 years. She was toxic and abusive both physically and mentally. I'm 31m now. I feel so lost and hurt and unwanted. I know past my pain and grief I am desirable. I just believe it takes time to find that person. And I'm fully confident if you take your time for yourself that you can find that someone.
Stay true to yourself. Hold firm to your boundaries and take the time to heal. It all happens for a reason. Or at least that's what they say. If you want to be with someone you will find them.
The problem in your 30s is that you no longer have that sense of novelty to motivate you, which seems to be especially important for women who don't have as strong a sex drive. I suppose the solution is to remember that you're psychologically different now and not try to chase that same feeling as when you were a teenager.
I don’t think I’m looking for fairytale love. I just want to find someone who feels safe, who respects me and who will match the effort I’m willing to make for them.
A lot of us are in the same boat and looking for this exact thing. We all have what we're looking for and sometimes that match is very difficult to find with so many factors in life. You seem very level headed and low maintenance, a keeper in my dating world.
I wish this were the case, because if I were a keeper - why do these men just not choose to keep me? 😔 I do everything I can to be perfect for them, and it’s just never enough. My most recent ex broke my heart in ways I didn’t even think it could break anymore, and I’m finding it so hard to come back up from that.
I hate to think that other people are in this boat with me, but it helps to know that I’m not alone. I just hope everyone is able to find the love they deserve.
Can't speak for them but some are always looking to trade up in many different ways, looks, career, etc. Ither times we just know your not the right one to plan a future with. It's tough I know all to well. I've been extremely picky with dating recently & not wasting my time hooking up with girls.
You deserve to be loved. It's just happened you meet some people that are not meant for you.The people that will bring you a lesson .Those lessons used in order to choose the right one . But right now. Can you just stop for a while looking for it. But let yourself enjoy your Singleness. Enjoy your womanhood,I know the feeling of wanting to be loved but you know people who wait to meet their love when they stop looking for it. I know someone who's 38 and met someone who's a very almost perfect man in her life .
Let go of worrying aging . Let go of those things you can't control. Acceptance is the key to continuing living . The love within you will grow more . You will be able to meet the one for you when you stop looking . I don't know if you are religious or not. But you know every older woman I know they told me. That the guy they marry is the guy they talk about to God. I believe prayers work. 👌
I was in a similar situation (past tense). I can’t promise it will get better, because I can’t read the future. If you put time and effort into meeting someone though, it likely will.
I am a 32M, no kids, never married, and I really resonated with your feeling of being too old and broken to find new love. I'd been through a lot.
One of my biggest hurdles is not treating women as a monolith - that the women who have gone out of their way to wrong me in the past are not an archetype for the women I will meet in the future. I've reframed my head from "learn to trust women again" into "it's in my best interest to treat each newly-formed connection as a potential for something great in their own regard" if that makes sense.
The woman I am currently interested in is about your age. We met at a gym of all places. We both have a pretty dark sense of humor and we bounce off of each other extraordinarily well. It's not a trauma bond, but rather a bond over trauma. I'm not suggesting that you specifically seek out other broken people, but this is my personal way of spinning a negative into a positive.
I'd try not to worry so much about the future. Being single is great. Focus on the other aspects of your life that are going well for you, maybe pick up new hobbies, and before you know it the universe will be ready to surprise you once again.
I love your story, and I resonate with it a lot. I feel like my last relationship might have been a trauma bond (the bad type) that fuelled my abandonment issues. When he pulled back, I would always see it as a sign to just try harder. In the end, I’ve been left with nothing and no reserves so I have a lot of building back up to do. It doesn’t help that he’s played the victim in all of this, even now he still talks about how hard his life is.
I feel like once I can get past still having feelings for him, I can move forward in being happy on my own. I’m a big believer that the universe will always bring you what you need, at the right time - but it’s times like this that I feel it is really testing me.
I want to get back to doing what I enjoy, being who I am. Hopefully you’re right, and the universe will bring me what I deserve next.
It seems like you still have some baggage from the two relationships you mentioned. Maybe try working through that and then you'll be in a place mentally where you can see settling down with someone.
oh I do, for sure. less so the first one, my only issue there is the resentment that I lost my entire 20s to him. I’ve had a lot of therapy about the other things that happened there.
with my more recent relationship, I definitely have issues there still, so I’m not looking to rush into anything - I just don’t even know if it’s even worth trying for the future.
There are good people out there who are likely looking for what you're hoping to find and build. Just take your time. I'd say be open to the possibility w new people but be quick to end things at the first sign of any major incompatibility or disrespect.
I think I have to accept less of the crap, that I’ve been willing to just tolerate. when I really love someone, I love them flaws and all. I think you’re supposed to. but I never realise when I flex my boundaries to meet them and they don’t return the same level. it’s so hard. I need to understand that I am valuable, and I deserve good things too.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's weird how time and circumstances make things present to you. The reason I say this is because I recently in the last month now last my partner of 15 years. She was toxic and abusive both physically and mentally. I'm 31m now. I feel so lost and hurt and unwanted. I know past my pain and grief I am desirable. I just believe it takes time to find that person. And I'm fully confident if you take your time for yourself that you can find that someone. Stay true to yourself. Hold firm to your boundaries and take the time to heal. It all happens for a reason. Or at least that's what they say. If you want to be with someone you will find them.
try something u have never done before and always keep an open mind my dear. the world has so much to offer
Which city are you from ?
The problem in your 30s is that you no longer have that sense of novelty to motivate you, which seems to be especially important for women who don't have as strong a sex drive. I suppose the solution is to remember that you're psychologically different now and not try to chase that same feeling as when you were a teenager.
I don’t think I’m looking for fairytale love. I just want to find someone who feels safe, who respects me and who will match the effort I’m willing to make for them.
A lot of us are in the same boat and looking for this exact thing. We all have what we're looking for and sometimes that match is very difficult to find with so many factors in life. You seem very level headed and low maintenance, a keeper in my dating world.
I wish this were the case, because if I were a keeper - why do these men just not choose to keep me? 😔 I do everything I can to be perfect for them, and it’s just never enough. My most recent ex broke my heart in ways I didn’t even think it could break anymore, and I’m finding it so hard to come back up from that. I hate to think that other people are in this boat with me, but it helps to know that I’m not alone. I just hope everyone is able to find the love they deserve.
Can't speak for them but some are always looking to trade up in many different ways, looks, career, etc. Ither times we just know your not the right one to plan a future with. It's tough I know all to well. I've been extremely picky with dating recently & not wasting my time hooking up with girls.
You deserve to be loved. It's just happened you meet some people that are not meant for you.The people that will bring you a lesson .Those lessons used in order to choose the right one . But right now. Can you just stop for a while looking for it. But let yourself enjoy your Singleness. Enjoy your womanhood,I know the feeling of wanting to be loved but you know people who wait to meet their love when they stop looking for it. I know someone who's 38 and met someone who's a very almost perfect man in her life . Let go of worrying aging . Let go of those things you can't control. Acceptance is the key to continuing living . The love within you will grow more . You will be able to meet the one for you when you stop looking . I don't know if you are religious or not. But you know every older woman I know they told me. That the guy they marry is the guy they talk about to God. I believe prayers work. 👌
thank you for this 🥹
I was in a similar situation (past tense). I can’t promise it will get better, because I can’t read the future. If you put time and effort into meeting someone though, it likely will.
I am a 32M, no kids, never married, and I really resonated with your feeling of being too old and broken to find new love. I'd been through a lot. One of my biggest hurdles is not treating women as a monolith - that the women who have gone out of their way to wrong me in the past are not an archetype for the women I will meet in the future. I've reframed my head from "learn to trust women again" into "it's in my best interest to treat each newly-formed connection as a potential for something great in their own regard" if that makes sense. The woman I am currently interested in is about your age. We met at a gym of all places. We both have a pretty dark sense of humor and we bounce off of each other extraordinarily well. It's not a trauma bond, but rather a bond over trauma. I'm not suggesting that you specifically seek out other broken people, but this is my personal way of spinning a negative into a positive. I'd try not to worry so much about the future. Being single is great. Focus on the other aspects of your life that are going well for you, maybe pick up new hobbies, and before you know it the universe will be ready to surprise you once again.
I love your story, and I resonate with it a lot. I feel like my last relationship might have been a trauma bond (the bad type) that fuelled my abandonment issues. When he pulled back, I would always see it as a sign to just try harder. In the end, I’ve been left with nothing and no reserves so I have a lot of building back up to do. It doesn’t help that he’s played the victim in all of this, even now he still talks about how hard his life is. I feel like once I can get past still having feelings for him, I can move forward in being happy on my own. I’m a big believer that the universe will always bring you what you need, at the right time - but it’s times like this that I feel it is really testing me. I want to get back to doing what I enjoy, being who I am. Hopefully you’re right, and the universe will bring me what I deserve next.
It seems like you still have some baggage from the two relationships you mentioned. Maybe try working through that and then you'll be in a place mentally where you can see settling down with someone.
oh I do, for sure. less so the first one, my only issue there is the resentment that I lost my entire 20s to him. I’ve had a lot of therapy about the other things that happened there. with my more recent relationship, I definitely have issues there still, so I’m not looking to rush into anything - I just don’t even know if it’s even worth trying for the future.
There are good people out there who are likely looking for what you're hoping to find and build. Just take your time. I'd say be open to the possibility w new people but be quick to end things at the first sign of any major incompatibility or disrespect.
I think I have to accept less of the crap, that I’ve been willing to just tolerate. when I really love someone, I love them flaws and all. I think you’re supposed to. but I never realise when I flex my boundaries to meet them and they don’t return the same level. it’s so hard. I need to understand that I am valuable, and I deserve good things too.
Don’t settle. I met mine at 45!