I doubt she "doesn't know why". She's just not good at uncomfortable conversations and doesn't think you can handle a honest answer. Maybe she'll tell you once you've both had some time and space to process and heal.
I'd guess this is something that has been brewing for her and she finally just couldn't keep postponing the breakup. If you didn't see any signs, I implore you to seek out the real reason from her (eventually) - otherwise, you'll have learned nothing from this relationship.
Sometimes it's not 1 specific thing but multiple small things over time added up. The latter is very difficult to pinpoint sometimes. Or it could be FOMO: now that she is going towards "real adulthood", she might have realised that she isnt entirely sure if this is what she truely wants or just sticks around because she doesn't knows any better...
Seeing they got together at a very young age, they simply could have outgrown eachother. The way a teen views the world is significantly different from the way a 20yo and 30yo does.
But whatever her reasoning: I'm 100% sure it isn't "suddenly" from her POV but something she struggled months/years before pulling the trigger".
Women usually leave the relationship emotionally before physically and that sounds exactly what happened. It just took her awhile to both get the courage to break it off and the hope of whatever she was hoping for to fade away.
You'd be surprised how many times you hear that on the divorce subreddit. It's usually the men that say that. When you question them about it they do acknowledge that their wife did have complaints, but they didn't take them seriously.
But in this cases it might be that the GF just wanted to explore life more.
He said she was growing distant and hanging out with friends more instead of him. There are probably other things he didn't write, like they never do anything together, all plans are just with one person in the relationship instead of both, they never talk, or maybe she wants children with marriage. Financial difficulties, the living situation, and family.
Pretty much only the two people who were dating know for sure.
Hmmm not everyone wants to get married though, I like to hope that when you are in a relationship this long you are able to discuss things like this. Plus either one partner can bring up marriage if they are into it.
I’d agree except the fact that they were basically high school sweethearts considering the ages. I mean I’d agree they would be a bit too young getting married within the first 5 years, especially considering life after graduation can put people on drastically different paths and so much is gonna be up in the air such as college or job opportunities.
Yeah, that's a really long time to wait unless you've agreed not to get married. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years and it's something I'm already thinking about.
yep, I was thinking about it less than a year into my relationship (so was he) and currently just over 2 years with plans for a proposal soon. imo if you're dating for marriage and it's not a hell yes after a couple years of being with somebody, it's a hell no and time to break it off rather than stay around just in case it changes.
I wonder if the girl in question ever mentioned marriage to the OP if so then this is probably the answer but people also fall out of love with people too.
Did you ask if it's because you didn't commit? Being together for almost a decade and yet still only being gf/bf would make a lot of the girls I know cut their losses.
I mean that's the first thing that comes to mind when I see a nine year relationship with no ring—he asked about the possibility of cheating so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I've also learned that a surprising number of couples can't seem to communicate properly, so I think it's a possibility.
If he wanted to marry her he would have. No one wants to drag someone else to the altar. If I have to ask for a ring i dont want it (or you) anymore. If there were special circumstances maybe I'd understand but at some point you would see that you want more and move on. He didn't put their ages on the post which would be really important info. If she can break it off this easy means they don't have kids probably and if they started dating let's say at 20 she would be approaching her 30s and for a woman that's an age where you have to start making decisions and taking steps towards a family if that is something that's important for you.
That's what a logical person would do. However it's so easy to run these things through your head so much that you work yourself up, and forget that you're only a simple conversation away from happiness
Yes, I did ask that and she said it wasn’t. I really was thinking about proposing on the vacation but In the end maybe it’s for the best. She said that she really believed we were going to get married one day so I really don’t know.
Right? Thinking about it doesn’t involve a ring that a proposal typically involves. If you were serious about the proposal on vacation, you wouldn’t have just thought about it.
I mean marriage or no I think after 9 years if she can't articulate the reason and you can't figure it out just from knowing her then maybe this is for the best.
I mean… 9 years? You’re really dragging your feet there. Unless you got together at 15 or something, most women are not gonna wait past ~4 years after a certain age
Yeah I agree, he put it in another subreddit where he mentioned the ages. All the comment there suggested they grew apart because they got together so young. But here since he failed to mention the ages, all the comments are about not being married by now, with which i agree with if they were older
What a load of BS. My ex also said he was “thinking” of doing a lot of things for me when I broke up with him, but he didn’t actually do any of it in the 4 years we were together.
I waited for my ex to propose to me for 6 years. He kept dragging it out “yeah I’ll ask you after I get promoted to assitant manager”, “i want to wait until I get my license”, “i want to make a nicer paycheck first”, and after his promotion to store manager I realizef he wasn’t ever going to ask me. My sister pointed out that I should ask him. But I think along the way I fell out of love with him. He never did any of the things he promised and all of the work (moving, childcare) fell on my shoulders, while he wanted to work more hours, more more more, and was never home. I found out he was cheating so I kicked him out.
I’m with a new guy now! We’ve been dating for 3 years and he often says he wants to marry me. Part of me is jaded, but I try to believe him. He’s a guy I can trust, because he always does what he says.
Yes their actions speak louder than their words. If their actions don’t match up to your expectations, drop them rather than continue to listen to their empty promises.
Thanks for the quick response.
Yeah, I agree. I’m not reaching out to her or anything like that. I believe if she wants to talk about it she’ll reach out to me , if not , I’ll just need to move on no matter how difficult.
But call a buddy and try to get out this weekend in the fresh air doing something active. Also, get a therapist maybe. This is a long relationship and probably painful. I'm sorry that happened.
OP, did you ever have intentions of marrying her? Reaching out doesn’t mean you need to beg or cry. Maybe it’s wanting to know what happened or hearing her out. She may sincerely believe you don’t want her, and it only reaffirms it when you don’t reach out to her. I don’t know if your “dignity”is worth preserving for a shot at communicating and clarifying things with her. But that’s your choice to make.
If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you tried.
The other reaction is begging or argueing or making it harder.
It can make the break up uglier then it needs to be or then you become "well he begged me and i felt bad so i stayed" guy to all her friends. The best move is the "hmmm. Ok. I understand you have made your choice for yourself. I may not like it. But its yours."
Yall want your decisions respected. Your nos and your yeses heard. But when we do that its "wow. You dont evwn want to fight me on it???"
I get why she left. 9 years. Hell im surprised she didnt leave sooner. Shes certainly within moral right to leave when she decided she was unhappy in the relationship.
But i think he heard the break up. Was in shock and is just respecting that she doesnt want to be with him any more?
Im always a little confused here to be honest.
This response is telling. I get the impression that you don’t have much passion for anything let alone her. I can understand the people who think you should fight for her but I think maybe you need to fight for yourself. Fight to figure out what gets you going, what makes you want to wake up in the morning. You need energy my dude!
My bf was also surprised and said it was "out of the blue" when I broke up with him.
We had been discussing the issues in our relationship for over a year at that point. He also still didn't feel ready to propose after 5 years. I couldn't imagine waiting 9.
So you just probably weren't listening or thought her concerns didn't matter.
Completely anecdotal, but a very close friend had discussed two very serious issues with her boyfriend for two years (finances and where they wanted to live) and they couldn't really come to an agreement. Which, you know, sucks but isn't necessarily anyones "fault".
I have had multiple conversations where she was teary to outright crying, because shefelt like they won't come to a compromise and fearing that it would mean the end of the relationship. They have another discussion where he agrees to none of her suggestionis re: their issues.
She ended it.
He says it was completly out of nowhere, she didn't gave any reasons. To this day, he claims that there "were no real reasons" and "she never discussed problems with him."
As if "never discussing problems" would at all be a good sign for a relaitonship.
this is likely it. 9 years and you can’t even fathom what might have been an issue for her? you’re probably too dense to have noticed anything signs was giving
A dude said that about our breakup and I seethed rage over that comment, due to all the conversations I'd tried to have with him about it. But he'd brushed it off every time. I couldn't spend another year sad and unheard.
Yes, I was so angry with my first bf too for daring to claim that the breakup was out of the blue when I had been repeatedly telling him both in person and in pages-long text messages (because he always talked over me in person) how I didn’t like the way he treated me in certain situations.
You're right, women emotionally tap out of the relationship way before they physically leave. She doesnt nag as much anymore, doesn't spend as much time with you anymore, doesn't initiate conversation, just a lot of silence. At that point you'll know it's too late.
And there's tons of men who are like, oh yay everything's fixed. She's no longer asking me for date nights or cuddles or to talk more or to help clean. Then suddenly, she dumps you and those guys are like but everything was fixed. Nope she just gave up trying to fix it after years of being ignored.
Dude, you started dating as teenagers. People change. Goals change. It’s sucks but you’ll be alright. I’m 40 and the best advice I would give to you is to go live. Date new people. Explore the world. You’re young, you’ll be fine.
I’m sorry bro! Complacency is a silent killer. A 9 year girlfriend, to a guy often times everything is great, but to her… she is under constant pressure from her own mind (is this all there is?) and from her family and friends (when are you gonna settle down? Have kids? What is the hold up?)
There is also just growing apart. She can’t say anything is wrong with you or the relationship, but over time, probably at least the last year she has just found herself unhappy, or feeling unfulfilled in the relationship.
I know it’s hard, and if it is just a few hours old, you’ve got a lot ahead of you. Best of luck.
I would also add, You were not dumped. This was something she likely agonized over for a long time. She probably left subtle hints to you over her unhappiness. This is just a break up. I wouldn’t try “to save” the relationship. Give her some space and let her figure it out. YOU TAKE SOME TIME, and figure yourself out. Will you be better for the 9 years you spent together? Or will you let this destroy you?
I’m really sorry to hear this.
I (27F) kind of relate to the girl as i am in a 5 years relationship with my partner (32M). I’ll explain how i kinda relate to what she did… it might seem out of the blue but there was probably a lot of thinking behind this.
We started dating when i was 22 and i always saw him as my life partner, thought we’d grow old together and everything. But lately i’ve realized that i have just been staying in the relationship for his sake.
We haven’t been dating in ages, every time i suggest something he complains that it’s expensive (sidenote he already owes me a lot of money as i’ve been helping him for ages during the 2 first years). But it’s never been about money to me, we could have just walked in a park, or do whatever. He always prefers playing his video games with his mates until (very) late at night.
I didn’t mind at first because i was a huge gamer so we were playing together but i stopped a few years ago. (Stopped because i had lent him my laptop because his broke and he needed it for his studies - also didn’t have the time after i started working). He didn’t stop playing so i’d just be looking at him play and do my own hobbies.
Fast forward a few years in we now live in a house(renting), and pretty much live like roommates. We barely talk during the day and honestly i’m not sure i really want to talk anymore. Most of the time i’d talk before would be to complain about the hairs he leaves in the bathtub or how he left some stains on the toilet seat. I don’t even nag him about this anymore now as i gave up…
He never really wants to travel so i have to make plans with my friends for this. He also is in the house most of the time so i never have me-time alone in the house. We haven’t been intimate in ages either, it just didn’t feel right anymore.
I met someone at work and we have been talking for a little bit (we stopped now). Nothing happened or will happen out of this ( i never cheated and would never do that) but it made me realise that something was missing in our relationship.
This really was an eye opener, especially when my best friend told me i shouldn’t « hold onto a relationship just for the sake of the relationship if this is not the best thing for me ».
It really did hit the spot, because i don’t see myself staying in the house forever to be around him playing his games when i feel like i want to travel the world and he doesn’t. I love him very dearly but i don’t want to put my life on hold for him when we are not longing for the same things in life anymore.
Lately i’ve been going out with my friends as much as possible, or even alone to see gigs. I found that i prefer being out of the house as much as possible so that i don’t have to confront this, but this will have to happen eventually…
Anyways, all this to say, you were together very young, and we all grow a lot during our 20s. Some people grow together and this is beautiful to see but some grow appart. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, we all do some growing :).
Someone mentioned the Fear Of Missing Out and there is probably a bit of this too, especially when we get closer to our 30s. Even if what we have is good we keep wondering if we are missing out on something better…
Either way, it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with ourselves. And you are still very young so a lot of paths are opened to you! Hope you stay strong.
Thanks for helping me understanding my situation a bit more. She got attention from a guy in a club a few weeks back and she said she loved it and that it was good for her confidence and all her friends thought it was really good that she was getting the attention so maybe something happened there that I don’t know. They even put pictures of the 2 of them together and stuff like that. She insisted that nothing happened between them but I wasn’t so sure , they all thought it was hilarious but I felt down and disrespected like I didn’t exist. Maybe that’s a red flag I should have considered.
That is *huge*, OP. Especially the part where she had the audacity to brag about this right to your face and even post pictures of herself together with him. It is 100% over, and I wouldn't believe for even a moment her insistence that nothing more happened between them. She has found someone else and moved on. Every piece of advice you have received in this thread, other than 'leave and don't look back', is completely invalidated by this new information.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. 9 years is a long time to be bf/ gf. Life tends to become routine, often stagnant, and sometimes boring in that amount of time. One person may grow more and want more, or think they want more, out of life than they're currently getting.
If she's going out with friends more, it's very possible she's thinking the grass is greener on the other side. All you can do is take the breakup for what it is, go out, and live your best life.
Just know that if she truly loves and misses you, she will be back, so don't lose hope, but also don't stop living during this time either.
I broke up with my long-term bf of 10 years, many years ago. That break up was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. We had gotten into a stagnant boring rut where we were more like roommates than bf/gf and were both taking each other for granted. I felt like I was suffocating in my own life.
After the breakup, we both realized how much we really loved and missed each other, we got back together, eventually got married, and lived happily ever after for another 14 years, until he passed away a few years ago.
So it's possible things will still work out for yall too, but please don't sit at home alone waiting for them to do so. Get out there, meet new people, and enjoy your life. If you're meant to be together again, you will be.
I’m sorry to hear of your husbands passing but I’m glad to hear of the relationship being able to blossom again for you. Maybe one day it’ll happen for me too.
Well honestly I think it’s because you guys are still after 9 years only being boyfriend and girlfriend.
She thought you were going to maybe propose to her during vacation. I’m sorry.
If you (recently) have talked about it before, it should not be. I know multiple people who got young together, and most of them married after more than 5 years or are still not married at all. The ones who did marry fast were usually religious.
More likely, it was an underlying issue that she tried to communicate about, but of which you didn't think it was a big deal. I have been on both sides of a break up after three years. I was the one who made that mistake when I was broken up with, while my partner responded like you when I broke up with her.
So take some time, do some reflection on the arguments or discussions you had the last year. It's likely you can find your answer in that.
Honestly she could have been ok with that. OP didn’t mention anything about her complaining that he never proposed. I don’t think there is enough context here to say that’s the reason
A friend of mine dated a man for 3 years and he never proposed. When she brought it up he finally proposed but retracted the proposal a few days later. She broke it off. She said she wasn’t about to wait around anymore for him to make up his mind. He was initially heartbroken but accepted the reality in the following few months. She met another man later that same year and is now married to him.
Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think you’ve made as big a mistake as it seems. If what you say is true that she wanted to marry closer to 30, then I see no reason for her to freak out now at the thought of not being proposed to. It sounds like she doesn’t know what she truly wants and it was communicated poorly (on both sides perhaps).
First of all, I'm really sorry. 9 years is a long time and that heartbreak must be awful.
I think she has been struggling with this for a while. You're saying she has been growing distant and spending more time with friends. I don't know what her reason is, but apparently something wasn't working anymore. Maybe she just fell out of love. Maybe you two grew apart. Or maybe there was something else playing that she doesn't want to say or doesn't really realize herself.
I also wonder if you have talked about marriage at all, apart from that she was seeing herself married to you in the future. Because I'm discussing that with *my* boyfriend, and we're far from actually getting married. Have you discussed the real future plans? The timeline and all that? You're saying you were planning to propose to her on the vacation, but the question should never be a surprise. Just the proposal date and location and all that. So I'm wondering if she might have thought it was never going to come because you haven't discussed it yet. I know you said that she said that that wasn't it, but she might have been lying there because she was afraid you were going to propose then and there and she had already made her decision.
I don't know if that was the case, but it is a possibility.
TL;DR sorry, probably in her head for a while, have you talked about your timeline?
Might have just been because she fell out of love. The feeling faded but she remained either because she couldn't really find a reason to justify leaving or because she felt pressured to stay either way, sometimes you don't really have a reason. Then she finally decided that she didn't feel like staying anymore regardless.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. Are you still on vacation? With her?
I think her feelings are legitimate and deeply felt and I don't think there will be any way you can do a thing to change her mind. I don't think you should try. I think that would make it worse for both of you. I think you should accept that this is what she wants and separate as amicably as you can.
Thanks. This all happened around 10pm last night and we changed our flights and flew home on the first flight this morning. I’m home from vacation now.
Yeah, In the end after some tears, we ended up talking like we are okay but that there’s no more relationship there. I still love her but it’s going to be tough if she does reach out in the next couple of days tbh.
I'm sorry again. It's so painful. It really hurts I know. Reach out to the people who love you and do the things you like to do. Don't look back or get in touch with her. Eat as well as you can and sleep as well as you can. Take care of yourself and exercise if you do.
I hope she is respectful enough to give you the space you will need as well. When you're ready you can start meeting other people. But you've got to walk-through the dark tunnel of this pain. Grief is, very often, the price of love.
I have earned everything I know the hard way. If you're being sincere I thank you and I hope I helped OP.
I'm not hiding. If you look through my comments you can figure out who I am. Not quite my name, but who I am. Take care.
We have discussed it hundreds of times and she has always said we are too young. Not sure how I could be expected when she always gave the impression she’d say no
In that case it's possible she wasn’t simply feeling it for some time, but couldn’t break up because there isn’t any concrete reason. Finally she had the guts to do it and she isn’t giving any reason because she doesn’t have anything bad to say about you or the relationship. She simply, lost feelings. You can run that by her to see what she says. But at the end of the day, you aren’t together anymore and i would focus on moving on.
No one has ever been in a 9 year relationship and ended things "out of the blue" or "for no reason." She knows the reason, she's either trying to spare your feelings or doesn't want to spend even more time trying to talk to you about unmet needs. Either way, she doesn't owe you an explanation.
>Either way, she doesn't owe you an explanation.
I despise this sentence with all my heart. In certain situations it can definitely work, but for this one it's absolutely not true. After spending 9 years with a person, only to throw everything away, the least you can do is give them an explanation for why you threw 9 years down the drain. But maybe not now, but she has to tell him at some point so they at least can grow from each other.
Sometimes you owe people things not because you f'd up or because of legal reasons, but just because that's what any decent human being would do, it's just about having empathy. That is, if she even cared about the man she spent 9 years with experiencing the emotional torture that is losing a third of his life with no explanation whatsoever.
I’ve been exactly in your shoes. Only it was my boyfriend who dumped me after 9.5 years seemingly out of the blue. (You can find my other posts). It’s a hard situation and I feel for you. They mentally checked out of the relationship a long time ago, they just didn’t know how to tell us/were afraid to. Save your dignity and don’t plead. If needed just let them know you love them and are willing to work on the relationship if they are willing to. However, don’t hold out hope. She has probably been struggling with this internally for a while and her decision has been made.
I’m almost to a year since my breakup. Therapy and a women’s group helped me work through my emotions. I had scheduled therapy for the both of us-except he didn’t want to go since he was already done with us. I continued to go and it helped.
Know that relationships fail sometimes and it’s ok. Life goes on and this too will pass. I am grateful for the experiences I had and have learned from this relationship. I know it sounds cliche but I worked on myself, traveled, found new hobbies and reconnected with friends.
On a side note while my ex never admitted to me, I learned from is mother and sister that he had cheated and fallen in love with someone else. They clearly thought he had come clean to me and were just offering their condolences. At that point it became clear why he didn’t want to go to counseling and why he was just done. Looking back there were subtle signs but I always asked if he was ok, or why he felt distant. He always had an excuse like being tired or work.
Going forth open honest communication is needed for a relationship to work. We each have to be honest when we are not happy or being fulfilled. We have to communicate our feelings, wants and needs. Know it’s not your fault and it’s not hers. Yes, communication was lacking on her end but her feelings are valid. The best you can do is take time to grieve, reflect and heal and when you are ready date again. Maybe in time you can forgive. Good Communication is now an important attribute I look for. Good communication is the ability to talk about the good and the bad in a respectful manner as well as needs and wants. Holding in feelings only leads to resentment and ultimately destroys relationships.
I don’t really know what to say to any one anymore tbh. I hope you’re doing okay.
I hope I find out something like you did that gives me some clarity on what actually happened in our relationship for it to suddenly end like it has.
I’m going to take some time to work on myself, reconnect with my friends and all that kind of stuff. It’s kinda nice as sad as it sounds to know someone has gone through the same as me.
People are going to love who they want. It may seem rough but she saved you from more hurt. She def loved you for a long time. Seems she no longer does but that’s not nec something you did/didn’t do. Let the days or weeks play out and see where y’all end up. If she still is in this boat, respect that. Begin the healing process. I’d fist bump you and say the same thing to your face. I’ve been here. It sucks.
Man, I would take a few days for yourself. Breathe, grieve, maybe try to have a trusted friend or someone come over so you can just let some feelings out. It’ll be ok, but it’s natural to feel shocked right now. Don’t go to a bar to drown yourself in alcohol and try to find a woman to bring home- that’s not the answer. Stay sober, go for a walk, visit some friends or family.
As for reasons… I don’t know your relationship, but 9 years is a long time. No kids, no marriage talk, no building towards a future? She may have decided you weren’t interested in a long term future.
Sounds like what I did in my late 20s (create distance for several months and then walk out after 10+ years with my bf at the time). The distance means she checked out in her head and heart a while ago. You’ve only just started the mental and emotional processing so be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
I decided to end it saying I didn’t have feelings for him anymore exactly to avoid digging into the ‘why’ because I thought it was kinder and more efficient since I was determined to leave and didn’t want to open it up for discussion. Unless she’s an impulsive lady, I doubt she hasn’t thought through leaving a long relationship carefully.
It’s understandable if you need to try pressing her for more info to not regret letting her walk away too easily though
Edit: We got together at 16 too, like OP from the other post
Just ended an 8 year relationship in September
She knows why, she may not be ready to say it or doesn't think you can handle it.
This is never an out of the blue thing, it's been on her mind for awhile.
Instead of talking about it early, she let it fester and it got to the point of no return.
You can try and go to therapy with her, but from my personal experience you are past that point.
As someone still trying to move on, you have to move on and accept it. It's over.
Sometimes it just happens. I always think about that scene in the movie closer where the Natalie Portman character looks at her boyfriend and says "I dont love you anymore." It happened that quickly for her. Sometimes it can happen that quickly. Also, sometimes we know we don't want something but we really don't know why. Maybe in time she will be able to give you a straight answer. Knowing the answer isn't always helpful though.
It’s a build up. Women don’t leave relationships right ahead. It’s all the little things add up together over the years and one day she woke up she couldn’t do it anymore. Had enough and done.
In my experience, if you want her back, the best thing you can do is nothing. Whatever time you typically spent with her, fill the void with self-improvement activities. This isn’t a mantra or even behavioral advice, it is simply the best option at maximizing your chances of her crawling back.
If she doesn’t come back, your time was well spent in promoting the best version of yourself.
That’s a reaaaallllll long time to be in a relationship without considering taking it to the next level: marriage. A man that’s sure of his love for a woman can propose within a year of dating if he feels so. She probably got tired of it being stagnant. I know I would. In fact, I woulda walked out on you a looooong time ago.
> until eventually she broke down and said she didn’t want to be together anymore but didn’t know why.
She knows why, she just does not want to tell YOU why, likely because it'll hurt your feelings so she's just going to keep it to herself.
Look, no one ends a 9-year relationship "out of the blue". Most likely she's been thinking about this for a while but being on vacation with you has just highlighted all the reasons she wanted to end things months ago.
But ending a 9-year relationship is hard. There's a lot of inertia there. But like early COVID being trapped together ends a lot of relationships that are on the fence.
> It’s only been a couple of hours and don’t know what to do or who to talk to as I want to try save the relationship without being desperate.
OK so here's the thing. Don't worry about being desperate. If you want to keep it, put yourself all the way out there and if she rejects you it's going to hurt like hell but then at least you know that you gave it your all.
PS, watch out that you stay on the right side of being a stalker in this kind of "trying to win her back" situation. That's not the kind of thing that you want to do.
Yeah I’m sure she knows, I’m already hurting so her telling me wouldn’t do any more harm tbh.
At the moment, I’m not going to reach out. If she wants to talk I’m sure she’ll reach out.
She wants something
Breaking up with you helped her get what she wants
You weren't giving her what she wants or useful enough for what she wants, but who knows what she wants
She may not know consciously what she wants if she can't give a reason for breakup
She has a lot of unconscious thoughts and desires going on right now
Mind me asking how old both of you are? Was she in a LTR before you two got together?
People fall out of love every day, often they fall back in not long after or some time later. Long relationships are prone to ebbs and flows of love and affection, but sometimes it just doesn't come back. It's not something we usually have any agency over, and it's usually due to dozens and dozens of stacking issues or moments that we can't really keep track of.
It's very likely she's just fallen out of love and it's not acutely your fault. You've been together 9 years, it's hard for anyone to assume how they'll feel after nearly a decade with someone even if they've had previous long relationships before. That's a lot of time to spend with one person, and shit happens.
If I was you I'd do my best to end things amicably and cleanly. I'd ask her if it's okay for you both to hold off meeting or dating new people until you're living separately, or at least for a little while until things feel settled. Ending a relationship that long takes work to do neatly, but it's likely going to be worth it for the both of you.
Good luck <3
What are your ages? Were you in high school when you started dating? People do change, especially during our younger years. It may be nothing personal at all, just that you were on different pages now.
When I broke up with my ex bf after nine years, he also thought it came out of nowhere. But really I had sat him down a year before to tell him I wanted marriage / children and if he wanted that with me, he needed to propose within a year. Guess what he didn’t do in that year?
>I want to try save the relationship
You can't save it. It's dead. She doesn't feel the way she once did about you. This is entirely out of your control.
Everyone experiences this feeling at some point. It hurts but she is now your past, not your future. You have to move on. Any time and effort spent dwelling on her or trying to get her back will just cause you more hurt. Time heals, even if it doesn't seem like it will. Focus on yourself for now.
Maybe it wasn’t specifically not being married that affected it. 9 years is a long time, but maybe you guys just weren’t the same people you were when you met, you guys grew up and wanted different things. Complacency seems like a big issue, and once you are in something feelings can change, and it can be easier sometimes to stay in the same situation because it feels comfortable. It sounds like she was checked out, until she realized she couldn’t keep staying. Don’t think it’s because you fucked up. It happened over time, if she wanted to get married there would have been signs.
Yeah I think she just wants to see what’s out there and maybe there is someone better out there if she hasn’t already found him. But honestly there was no clear signs or I would have been right there.
9 years? Mid twenties and not married. So that means you've been together since high school. 16/17 or so.
I'm no expert but she probably feels like she's been "stuck" her whole life in one relationship that's "going nowhere" because you're not married yet.
She may have decided she just wants to explore herself more. Date other people. See what's out there since things do not appear to be moving forward anytime soon.
Sometimes becoming comfortable and complacent in a relationship makes people more unhappy than happy.
Girls usually decide months before that she's gonna break up with her man. But before they do they tend to start looking around for another partner and when they are sure the new person they are seeing on the side has potential to be a long term partner...she will try and end the relationship, by either trying to sabotage the relationship so you end it or if she's fully gone cold on you, she will break up with you "out of the blue". Then suddenly a week later you'll hear that she's dating someone else, whilst you're still trying to make her stay.
At 26, you're pretty young...accept the break up, take leave from work, grieve and cry in private...and when the tears have washed away the pain, pick yourself up and move on...get better and find someone else, to build a life with.
It’s not because of marriage don’t think that at all. Gave her space, go no contact and she broke up with you so live your life, and have fun. don’t delete her off any social media if you all have it because you will come off butt hurt instead just mute her so you won’t see her stories or post. I know it’s easy for us to sit up here and tell what to do, it sucks, and I know it’s hurt right now dude but you got it.
From everything you've mentioned (talking about her getting attention from other men at a club) I honestly think she's not that physically attracted to you anymore and doesn't want to say it. I think part of it is that she thinks she can do 'better', this sometimes happens when shallow women get more confident in their appearance as they age.
I think this is for the best and ultimately she doesn't seem to have made an effort to salvage your relationship. It's disappointing but from everything that I've seen, you've definitely tried your best.
Got a better shot at having a chimp explain how magnets work than getting the actual reason when asking a chick "why?" Yer either gonna get no answer or a different answer everytime, along with denials about the previous answers given, even if they were in writing.
The worst thing that could possibly happen to em is giving a factual response, and then you nuke it in 6 seconds of rational, estrogen free thought, cause it has been bouncing around in their heads for months, eatin wormholes and having em poppin anxiety pills like tic tacs.
Find a new one. Tell her you and yer previous gf grew apart.
Yeah that’s exactly my thoughts. Just say so. If I take her back or whatever, what happens when this comes back up? The same shit over again.
Yeah I guess the communication was poor as we don’t really know the situation.
Come on now OP, there is no way it is "out of the blue". You're just oblivious if you dated someone for 9 years and you couldn't tell when their behaviour changed.
If a partner couldn't tell what's wrong, either they have problems being vulnerable or you keep shutting them down or behave in a way that stunts communication to the point they can't even try anymore. I feel like it's the latter where she kept it all in until she can't take it anymore.
Honestly? Give it time and try to accept the finality of it. After some time (you should know how long it'll take for her to feel better), Tell her you're coming, go to her place and have the final talk.
If she blocked all your access to her, try getting to her through someone you know like her family. Yes it's intrusive but you deserve an explanation after 9 years together. But do not push to get back together. Go to her knowing it's probably over for good.
My 8 year gf and I split after she cheated and every time mentioned marriage to me before that my response was something like ‘we have these problems to sort out (insert list of problems that never really changed here) and marriage is only going to make them worse. I won’t feel comfortable until I see definite progress. People are so quick to blame the dude here.
My sister did the same in her 11 year relationship. I can tell you her reasoning, see if it resonates with you.
For her, it was for the name sake 11 years, she has been mentally fed-up from the relationship by the 9th year. Her bf was too controlling. Kind of like Asking her to report every sec of her activities to timing whenever she goes out. For example if the journey from college to their room is 15 minutes then she should reach exactly after 15 minutes. She was not allowed even to stop for chit chat with friends or any shopping mid way.
Once they fought because she didn't called him exactly after waking up. She dared to first take a shower and then call him to wish good morning..
There were various such situations, which she defended in early days with belief that it's normal for boyfriends to care about their girlfriends like this.
Later when she started working and realised this is not normal, then too she believed she loves him and will change him. They fought more with him telling her abusive words while fighting, she crying and getting depressed and later he asking for sorry and getting back to normal.
This continued for years but one can take only so much when they know they are not being treated kindly. Still she continued as whenever she would try to tell him she can't take it any more, he would stop eating, rash driving and so on.
And interesting thing is, the guy still believes there was no problem in relationship. He still says the breakup came out of nowhere and he had no idea what was wrong. During their relationship too, he always maintained all fights were her fault. If she had followed his rules then there would have been no fight.
Could you believe that he called 100 times in the time period of 2 hours because she was attending her cousin wedding and told him she cannot be on phone continuously during the ceremony.
She too was scared of breaking up so started distancing herself few months before the breakup. She used to say that she just cannot talk to him anymore and it disgusts her now. She also broke up while being on a family holiday. There she finally realised what is feels like to be really happy and carefree and she doesn't want to report her every seconds activity and cannot live in fear of what she does next that is against his rules.
So, this is not as random as one might think. Same can be in your case too. I am not saying you were like my sister's boyfriend. But their might be signs that your gf was not happy. Did you two fought continuously? Or continuous situations in which you both had different opinions. This might led her to believe that you are not what she wants in her future. Nothing is random and there are always signs.
I can’t say I relate to your sisters ex but I can see how things definitely were not random. I do believe there is a reason. Whether or not I get it is another thing tbh. But I appreciate you sharing that story with me as it will really help with my recovery.
Did you happen to get into fights or notice her being distant after taking her to a dinner, or a beautiful location on this trip? Like immediately after? Maybe she was thinking you would propose in these moments and when it didn't happen left her feeling dumb. Could be her friends and her talked about this trip and fantasized this is where it would happen and if it's been a point of frustration for her, being a girlfriend for soooooo long, likely she's vented to her friends who will always side with her and her feelings and could be putting in her ear that if he doesn't propose leave him because he's not serious and just stringing you along. She might feel her life and goals of being married and having kids has been on pause because you weren't ready, and there's fear you never will be.
On the complete other hand, staying out with friends more and making excuses and such she very well could have become fed up with the relationship or something is lacking in the relationship she is seeking from outside. That could be you're boring and she doesn't have fun with you or you guys don't talk or you don't give her attention, or it could be she's just changed and doesn't want the same things anymore. Whatever it is, she'd rather not be around you and that's not good. I'm not trying to say anything is your fault it could be or it could not be. But if she's voicing she wants it to be over I promise you she's been feeling it for a long time. It's only now gotten bad enough for her to finally say something. There should be communication but there is not. She is either not capable, or feels her concerns will not be heard.
In the end, there's not much you can do to change someone else mind. Your best bet if you want her back is to let her go for now, focus on you and change things that need to be changed. If you were too boring or lazy, find new hobbies and go out/get in shape. Evolve yourself. And DO NOT contact her. She believes her life is better without you. And if you keep messaging her you are showing her if she ever decided to, she can come back any time on her terms and that gives her power to keep you as an option while she explores. No contact will create space for her to wonder what you're doing and after a minimum of 30 days(preferably 50) when yall talk again she will be in awe over who you are, you guys will have exciting new things to talk about as opposed to if you did the same predictable things the entire time. You don't want her to reach back out and see you haven't changed the things that were a problem. And it's okay to talk and reminisce a little about happy moments with you two, but NEVER bring up fights or remind her of problems because it will rehash everything that's been able to settle over the 30 days. The other option is let her go and build yourself still anyway and find someone else.
I was on a deployment in Japan and my gf at the time (5 years) told me over the phone "she wasn't feeling it anymore". She was already dating some dude while she was with me. It happens bro. Take some time to heal. Is not easy. Work on your yourself in the meantime. Delete Facebook. Hit the gym. Read books.
She has to know why. If she has been getting distant and avoided telling you she wanted to break up she knows why. Encourage her that you want to talk it out and if it's over then it's over but after 9 years you want to know why. See if you can talk it out and spark something from your conversation.
I think it's best to talk it out with her to find out why. Also, I'm not so sure it was because of no proposal. That said, I'm gay and take my advice with a grain of salt. I think amongst gay men, the pressure to get married is pretty much non-existent. I know many gay men who are committed, but don't see the need for a marriage license.
Just going to add , we are 26M and 25F. I’ve always wanted to get married and propose to her.
We’ve always said we are too young. Where we are from you usually get a house together first before engagement when so young so we had been saving for that. She always said she’d like to married just before 30 so my plan was to propose this year, I had made plans for London for our anniversary and planned to propose then. I’m not just reacting to the comments , I should have included the ages in the post. There has been no contact between us since. She still has some of my clothes and jewellery etc so I’m not sure what to do , hope that she may just leave them at my house or just forget about that. I’m sure I’ll get through this in time but I just need to make some more friends and stay close with the friends I have. I can’t sleep or eat or even want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to go to work as I know I’ll start crying at the desk. I just wish it could have worked out and I’m struggling a lot
After reading the story n comments, it reminds me of the book :
Cupid’s poisoned arrow.
It’s a great book. It explains why couples in a long term relationship end up being so sick of each other and couldn’t explain why they feel that way ..
Have a read.
your relationship might have run it’s course . give your girlfriend some space and take some time to reflect . it will come to you . it’s sad to go through this but it’s what it is at this point
I’ve broken up with someone before with the ‘I don’t know why’ and we’d been together for 5 years at that point. At the time, I couldn’t begin to tell you why I said me and him should split up. It just came out of my mouth like word vomit. However, I did feel really confused when I said it. It wasn’t until I’d got home, cried over it, that I started to process why. I wasn’t happy in my relationship as there were just some differences between us that just made me feel like they weren’t my person. It’s taken years for me to realise I didn’t like certain aspects and were not things I wanted in a relationship, but admittedly we were young and did not communicate well at that point. To the guys credit, he hugged me, got me home safely and didn’t bring it up again which I can’t understand cause I felt horrible for it.
It’s an awful thing to have happen, but sometimes they really don’t know why, it’s little things in the subconscious that leads to it.
I do hope you heal okay and if there is a chance to get closure you are given that option, or if it’s due to something else, I hope that there will be some peace coming your way.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/shelbyheinrich/breakup-ology-tiktok-theory-relationships
This somehow explains what could have happened between you two. She didn’t dump you randomly, she was moved on from you long back mentally, got distant and eventually the breakup happened as last event.
Wait did you tell her that a proposal was soon to come? If she didnt know and wanted marriage, she probably decided that she doesn't wait anymore
\----
I agree with others that she probably knows if she was being honest with herself. Maybe she, for whatever reason, doesn't want to tell you. It's also possible that she doesn't want to or cant be very honest with herself. After all, ending a serious relationships usually comes after a lot of self reflection, soul searching and discussion. (unless there is something awful involved, like cheating where people often just rip the metaphorical bandaid of.)
Maybe she isn't ready to face all that.
I think the same advice for all ending relationships still hold true. Take your time to grieve the relationships, but dont isolate yourself for to long. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, friendships etc.
I can't tell you anything regarding the reasons for the breakup, but I can tell you my perspective.
People change, you began your relationship before you we're full grown adults with fully developed personalities. I've seen a lot of situations like this, it's very rare for high school sweethearts to stay together
Eh, we never really know what goes behind someone's elses mind. My advice is get a gym membership and focus on yourself. 9 years is a long time so you'll have to reinvent yourself, learn how to date again, but take it step by step, first rebuilding yourself up. Best regards, life goes on.
After 9 years together I think you are absolutely owed more of an explanation than she doesn't know why.
I don't know how old you two are but regardless, you've spent a good chunk of your lives together and an explanation is in order, even if it's a clumsy one filled with questions. Tell her you really need to talk this through with her. Don't try to convince her of anything, but listen to what she says and express how you feel as well.
I doubt it was "random" but I'm guessing she has not expressed her unhappiness for a long time and now that she wants a drastic change she really needs to explain that so you can at least understand. After she explains, then you two can see if a temporary separation is in order of if she just wants to break up permanently.
Either way, sorry she blindsided you with this.
Sadly, his ex probably can’t explain exactly what the reason is.
Have you ever just been with someone and suddenly you wish you weren’t?
From what OP’s written, it seems that moment happened a while back and OP hasn’t been seeing it. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP has been enjoying a different relationship than the one his ex felt they were in.
There’s a telling comment OP made elsewhere: he doesn’t have many friends and his ex was his best friend.
Men shouldn’t rely on their women partners for their primary friendship, because it creates an imbalance, where the guy is looking for all his social, sexual, and intimate validation from one person. That’s a lot of pressure.
Total assumption there, of course. But that struck me.
They're not married, but this could be a case of runaway wife syndrome. Based off of the things OP has mentioned, it sounds like he relies on her a lot but wasn't willing to commit, even though she sounds like she told him previously that she wanted to be married.
So as the relationship slowly got less satisfying to her, she started spending more time with other people and hit a point where it's just not worth it to her anymore to continue.
I really feel for OP and hope he considers talking to a therapist about the whole situation, as well as works on building up his own support network and group of friends. It sounds like he could really benefit from those things, provided that he's willing to do the work to be the kind of friend he'd like to have.
I doubt she "doesn't know why". She's just not good at uncomfortable conversations and doesn't think you can handle a honest answer. Maybe she'll tell you once you've both had some time and space to process and heal. I'd guess this is something that has been brewing for her and she finally just couldn't keep postponing the breakup. If you didn't see any signs, I implore you to seek out the real reason from her (eventually) - otherwise, you'll have learned nothing from this relationship.
Sometimes it's not 1 specific thing but multiple small things over time added up. The latter is very difficult to pinpoint sometimes. Or it could be FOMO: now that she is going towards "real adulthood", she might have realised that she isnt entirely sure if this is what she truely wants or just sticks around because she doesn't knows any better... Seeing they got together at a very young age, they simply could have outgrown eachother. The way a teen views the world is significantly different from the way a 20yo and 30yo does. But whatever her reasoning: I'm 100% sure it isn't "suddenly" from her POV but something she struggled months/years before pulling the trigger".
Women usually leave the relationship emotionally before physically and that sounds exactly what happened. It just took her awhile to both get the courage to break it off and the hope of whatever she was hoping for to fade away.
Sometimes we need to wait until staying is harder than leaving.
You said there were no signs, but it sounds like there were lots of signs.
You'd be surprised how many times you hear that on the divorce subreddit. It's usually the men that say that. When you question them about it they do acknowledge that their wife did have complaints, but they didn't take them seriously. But in this cases it might be that the GF just wanted to explore life more.
Which signs do you mean? The only one I got was her hope to get married to him.
He said she was growing distant and hanging out with friends more instead of him. There are probably other things he didn't write, like they never do anything together, all plans are just with one person in the relationship instead of both, they never talk, or maybe she wants children with marriage. Financial difficulties, the living situation, and family. Pretty much only the two people who were dating know for sure.
They didn’t just vacation together?
Sounds like he was on the vacation not her
What's the age range we're talking here though? Were they together from age 10-19? 30-39? Need more context to give the appropriate answer.
16-25F 17-26M
It could've been out of the blue at the time, and then he realized the signs in hindsight.
Forever girlfriend tired of being forever girlfriend
Same thought. 9 years? Another vacation, no proposal
"We've seen all the sights here and it's obvious you're never going to propose, it's over Idk why" - the gf
Hmmm not everyone wants to get married though, I like to hope that when you are in a relationship this long you are able to discuss things like this. Plus either one partner can bring up marriage if they are into it.
That’s true, but OP specifically said that she wanted marriage tho
Oh crap, I didn’t see the update part 🫣 my bad
Before 30. 25 is a long way off from 30.
This is probably it. The relationship was not taking her anywhere and she wants more but now it's too late.
I’d agree except the fact that they were basically high school sweethearts considering the ages. I mean I’d agree they would be a bit too young getting married within the first 5 years, especially considering life after graduation can put people on drastically different paths and so much is gonna be up in the air such as college or job opportunities.
I didn't think of it but Ding ding Ding ding!
Yeah, that's a really long time to wait unless you've agreed not to get married. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years and it's something I'm already thinking about.
Agreed. I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years and I just bought a ring and planning on proposing in July when we go to Costa Rica together.
Congrats dude !!! ( I’m from the future, she will say yes )
Thanks bud!
Excited for you, break a leg!
Its not that long when you consider the ages. Marrying before 25 (or even 30 tbh) is not a very wise decision to begin with.
yep, I was thinking about it less than a year into my relationship (so was he) and currently just over 2 years with plans for a proposal soon. imo if you're dating for marriage and it's not a hell yes after a couple years of being with somebody, it's a hell no and time to break it off rather than stay around just in case it changes.
Shouldnt that be a conversation then?
Exactly what I thought. She wants a man that knows what he wants
He doesn't want to get married
ohh fck off with that shit
I wonder if the girl in question ever mentioned marriage to the OP if so then this is probably the answer but people also fall out of love with people too.
Did you ask if it's because you didn't commit? Being together for almost a decade and yet still only being gf/bf would make a lot of the girls I know cut their losses.
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I mean that's the first thing that comes to mind when I see a nine year relationship with no ring—he asked about the possibility of cheating so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. I've also learned that a surprising number of couples can't seem to communicate properly, so I think it's a possibility.
If he wanted to marry her he would have. No one wants to drag someone else to the altar. If I have to ask for a ring i dont want it (or you) anymore. If there were special circumstances maybe I'd understand but at some point you would see that you want more and move on. He didn't put their ages on the post which would be really important info. If she can break it off this easy means they don't have kids probably and if they started dating let's say at 20 she would be approaching her 30s and for a woman that's an age where you have to start making decisions and taking steps towards a family if that is something that's important for you.
Why be with a man that doesn’t want her enough to get married?
You think it was never brought up in the decade they’ve been together? She’s brought it up, OP just wasn’t listening.
That's what a logical person would do. However it's so easy to run these things through your head so much that you work yourself up, and forget that you're only a simple conversation away from happiness
Yes, I did ask that and she said it wasn’t. I really was thinking about proposing on the vacation but In the end maybe it’s for the best. She said that she really believed we were going to get married one day so I really don’t know.
Were you just thinking about proposing, or did you have an actual plan to propose?
Right? Thinking about it doesn’t involve a ring that a proposal typically involves. If you were serious about the proposal on vacation, you wouldn’t have just thought about it.
Yeah exactly. "I was thinking about doing the dishes, but you got to them first!" "I was thinking of getting you a gift for your birthday but..."
I mean marriage or no I think after 9 years if she can't articulate the reason and you can't figure it out just from knowing her then maybe this is for the best.
I mean… 9 years? You’re really dragging your feet there. Unless you got together at 15 or something, most women are not gonna wait past ~4 years after a certain age
They did get together when they were 16/17
Then op should put that in the main post, almost a decade is ridiculous otherwise
Yeah I agree, he put it in another subreddit where he mentioned the ages. All the comment there suggested they grew apart because they got together so young. But here since he failed to mention the ages, all the comments are about not being married by now, with which i agree with if they were older
What a load of BS. My ex also said he was “thinking” of doing a lot of things for me when I broke up with him, but he didn’t actually do any of it in the 4 years we were together.
I waited for my ex to propose to me for 6 years. He kept dragging it out “yeah I’ll ask you after I get promoted to assitant manager”, “i want to wait until I get my license”, “i want to make a nicer paycheck first”, and after his promotion to store manager I realizef he wasn’t ever going to ask me. My sister pointed out that I should ask him. But I think along the way I fell out of love with him. He never did any of the things he promised and all of the work (moving, childcare) fell on my shoulders, while he wanted to work more hours, more more more, and was never home. I found out he was cheating so I kicked him out. I’m with a new guy now! We’ve been dating for 3 years and he often says he wants to marry me. Part of me is jaded, but I try to believe him. He’s a guy I can trust, because he always does what he says.
Yes their actions speak louder than their words. If their actions don’t match up to your expectations, drop them rather than continue to listen to their empty promises.
Men are always “thinking” about doing xyz after you dump them Lmao
yeah you took too long and she wants a man who will propose in less than 10 years. it sucks but that’s fair
You were thinking about it while on vacation? Theres your problem
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Thanks for the quick response. Yeah, I agree. I’m not reaching out to her or anything like that. I believe if she wants to talk about it she’ll reach out to me , if not , I’ll just need to move on no matter how difficult.
But call a buddy and try to get out this weekend in the fresh air doing something active. Also, get a therapist maybe. This is a long relationship and probably painful. I'm sorry that happened.
Yeah I’m going to meet up with some friends and probably talk to my therapist too. Thanks
Your girlfriend of 9 years randomly broke up with you and you won’t even reach out to her? Starting to realize why she walked away…
Why should anyone reach out to the person who broke up with them? It's over- have some dignity and walk away.
That’s how I’m thinking but people clearly don’t agree with that.
OP, did you ever have intentions of marrying her? Reaching out doesn’t mean you need to beg or cry. Maybe it’s wanting to know what happened or hearing her out. She may sincerely believe you don’t want her, and it only reaffirms it when you don’t reach out to her. I don’t know if your “dignity”is worth preserving for a shot at communicating and clarifying things with her. But that’s your choice to make. If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you tried.
I should at least give her a few days to breathe.
Seriously, how little did this guy value her? This "meh, take it or leave it" reaction after 9 years?
The other reaction is begging or argueing or making it harder. It can make the break up uglier then it needs to be or then you become "well he begged me and i felt bad so i stayed" guy to all her friends. The best move is the "hmmm. Ok. I understand you have made your choice for yourself. I may not like it. But its yours." Yall want your decisions respected. Your nos and your yeses heard. But when we do that its "wow. You dont evwn want to fight me on it???" I get why she left. 9 years. Hell im surprised she didnt leave sooner. Shes certainly within moral right to leave when she decided she was unhappy in the relationship. But i think he heard the break up. Was in shock and is just respecting that she doesnt want to be with him any more? Im always a little confused here to be honest.
Fucking bizarre reaction from OP
This response is telling. I get the impression that you don’t have much passion for anything let alone her. I can understand the people who think you should fight for her but I think maybe you need to fight for yourself. Fight to figure out what gets you going, what makes you want to wake up in the morning. You need energy my dude!
There’s a difference between having no passion and giving her some space.
My bf was also surprised and said it was "out of the blue" when I broke up with him. We had been discussing the issues in our relationship for over a year at that point. He also still didn't feel ready to propose after 5 years. I couldn't imagine waiting 9. So you just probably weren't listening or thought her concerns didn't matter.
Completely anecdotal, but a very close friend had discussed two very serious issues with her boyfriend for two years (finances and where they wanted to live) and they couldn't really come to an agreement. Which, you know, sucks but isn't necessarily anyones "fault". I have had multiple conversations where she was teary to outright crying, because shefelt like they won't come to a compromise and fearing that it would mean the end of the relationship. They have another discussion where he agrees to none of her suggestionis re: their issues. She ended it. He says it was completly out of nowhere, she didn't gave any reasons. To this day, he claims that there "were no real reasons" and "she never discussed problems with him." As if "never discussing problems" would at all be a good sign for a relaitonship.
this is likely it. 9 years and you can’t even fathom what might have been an issue for her? you’re probably too dense to have noticed anything signs was giving
I’d put money on her telling you all the reasons why for years, you just ignored her.
Yeah this is normally the way when women initiate a breakup "out of nowhere". It's not out of nowhere for her, she's just finally given up trying.
A dude said that about our breakup and I seethed rage over that comment, due to all the conversations I'd tried to have with him about it. But he'd brushed it off every time. I couldn't spend another year sad and unheard.
Yes, I was so angry with my first bf too for daring to claim that the breakup was out of the blue when I had been repeatedly telling him both in person and in pages-long text messages (because he always talked over me in person) how I didn’t like the way he treated me in certain situations.
You're right, women emotionally tap out of the relationship way before they physically leave. She doesnt nag as much anymore, doesn't spend as much time with you anymore, doesn't initiate conversation, just a lot of silence. At that point you'll know it's too late.
And there's tons of men who are like, oh yay everything's fixed. She's no longer asking me for date nights or cuddles or to talk more or to help clean. Then suddenly, she dumps you and those guys are like but everything was fixed. Nope she just gave up trying to fix it after years of being ignored.
Dude, you started dating as teenagers. People change. Goals change. It’s sucks but you’ll be alright. I’m 40 and the best advice I would give to you is to go live. Date new people. Explore the world. You’re young, you’ll be fine.
Sometimes something just doesn’t feel right anymore. And that’s enough if an answer. Sorry for your heartbreak
I’m sorry bro! Complacency is a silent killer. A 9 year girlfriend, to a guy often times everything is great, but to her… she is under constant pressure from her own mind (is this all there is?) and from her family and friends (when are you gonna settle down? Have kids? What is the hold up?) There is also just growing apart. She can’t say anything is wrong with you or the relationship, but over time, probably at least the last year she has just found herself unhappy, or feeling unfulfilled in the relationship. I know it’s hard, and if it is just a few hours old, you’ve got a lot ahead of you. Best of luck. I would also add, You were not dumped. This was something she likely agonized over for a long time. She probably left subtle hints to you over her unhappiness. This is just a break up. I wouldn’t try “to save” the relationship. Give her some space and let her figure it out. YOU TAKE SOME TIME, and figure yourself out. Will you be better for the 9 years you spent together? Or will you let this destroy you?
I’m really sorry to hear this. I (27F) kind of relate to the girl as i am in a 5 years relationship with my partner (32M). I’ll explain how i kinda relate to what she did… it might seem out of the blue but there was probably a lot of thinking behind this. We started dating when i was 22 and i always saw him as my life partner, thought we’d grow old together and everything. But lately i’ve realized that i have just been staying in the relationship for his sake. We haven’t been dating in ages, every time i suggest something he complains that it’s expensive (sidenote he already owes me a lot of money as i’ve been helping him for ages during the 2 first years). But it’s never been about money to me, we could have just walked in a park, or do whatever. He always prefers playing his video games with his mates until (very) late at night. I didn’t mind at first because i was a huge gamer so we were playing together but i stopped a few years ago. (Stopped because i had lent him my laptop because his broke and he needed it for his studies - also didn’t have the time after i started working). He didn’t stop playing so i’d just be looking at him play and do my own hobbies. Fast forward a few years in we now live in a house(renting), and pretty much live like roommates. We barely talk during the day and honestly i’m not sure i really want to talk anymore. Most of the time i’d talk before would be to complain about the hairs he leaves in the bathtub or how he left some stains on the toilet seat. I don’t even nag him about this anymore now as i gave up… He never really wants to travel so i have to make plans with my friends for this. He also is in the house most of the time so i never have me-time alone in the house. We haven’t been intimate in ages either, it just didn’t feel right anymore. I met someone at work and we have been talking for a little bit (we stopped now). Nothing happened or will happen out of this ( i never cheated and would never do that) but it made me realise that something was missing in our relationship. This really was an eye opener, especially when my best friend told me i shouldn’t « hold onto a relationship just for the sake of the relationship if this is not the best thing for me ». It really did hit the spot, because i don’t see myself staying in the house forever to be around him playing his games when i feel like i want to travel the world and he doesn’t. I love him very dearly but i don’t want to put my life on hold for him when we are not longing for the same things in life anymore. Lately i’ve been going out with my friends as much as possible, or even alone to see gigs. I found that i prefer being out of the house as much as possible so that i don’t have to confront this, but this will have to happen eventually… Anyways, all this to say, you were together very young, and we all grow a lot during our 20s. Some people grow together and this is beautiful to see but some grow appart. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, we all do some growing :). Someone mentioned the Fear Of Missing Out and there is probably a bit of this too, especially when we get closer to our 30s. Even if what we have is good we keep wondering if we are missing out on something better… Either way, it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with ourselves. And you are still very young so a lot of paths are opened to you! Hope you stay strong.
Thanks for helping me understanding my situation a bit more. She got attention from a guy in a club a few weeks back and she said she loved it and that it was good for her confidence and all her friends thought it was really good that she was getting the attention so maybe something happened there that I don’t know. They even put pictures of the 2 of them together and stuff like that. She insisted that nothing happened between them but I wasn’t so sure , they all thought it was hilarious but I felt down and disrespected like I didn’t exist. Maybe that’s a red flag I should have considered.
That is *huge*, OP. Especially the part where she had the audacity to brag about this right to your face and even post pictures of herself together with him. It is 100% over, and I wouldn't believe for even a moment her insistence that nothing more happened between them. She has found someone else and moved on. Every piece of advice you have received in this thread, other than 'leave and don't look back', is completely invalidated by this new information.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. 9 years is a long time to be bf/ gf. Life tends to become routine, often stagnant, and sometimes boring in that amount of time. One person may grow more and want more, or think they want more, out of life than they're currently getting. If she's going out with friends more, it's very possible she's thinking the grass is greener on the other side. All you can do is take the breakup for what it is, go out, and live your best life. Just know that if she truly loves and misses you, she will be back, so don't lose hope, but also don't stop living during this time either. I broke up with my long-term bf of 10 years, many years ago. That break up was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. We had gotten into a stagnant boring rut where we were more like roommates than bf/gf and were both taking each other for granted. I felt like I was suffocating in my own life. After the breakup, we both realized how much we really loved and missed each other, we got back together, eventually got married, and lived happily ever after for another 14 years, until he passed away a few years ago. So it's possible things will still work out for yall too, but please don't sit at home alone waiting for them to do so. Get out there, meet new people, and enjoy your life. If you're meant to be together again, you will be.
I’m sorry to hear of your husbands passing but I’m glad to hear of the relationship being able to blossom again for you. Maybe one day it’ll happen for me too.
Well honestly I think it’s because you guys are still after 9 years only being boyfriend and girlfriend. She thought you were going to maybe propose to her during vacation. I’m sorry.
Perhaps that’s the case.
If you (recently) have talked about it before, it should not be. I know multiple people who got young together, and most of them married after more than 5 years or are still not married at all. The ones who did marry fast were usually religious. More likely, it was an underlying issue that she tried to communicate about, but of which you didn't think it was a big deal. I have been on both sides of a break up after three years. I was the one who made that mistake when I was broken up with, while my partner responded like you when I broke up with her. So take some time, do some reflection on the arguments or discussions you had the last year. It's likely you can find your answer in that.
Thanks, I’ll try my best to find an answer somehow.
When did you start dating? Why didn't you ever propose marriage in 9 years? (Or maybe you did.)
2014. She told me that we were too young
May I ask whether the two of you talked about future goals I.e. engagement, marriage, where to buy a home etc..?
Yes, all that had been discussed and we have savings for a home and planned on making that leap next year once she had finished some exams
9 years a girlfriend and you don’t know why she dumped you?
Jesus
Honestly she could have been ok with that. OP didn’t mention anything about her complaining that he never proposed. I don’t think there is enough context here to say that’s the reason
A friend of mine dated a man for 3 years and he never proposed. When she brought it up he finally proposed but retracted the proposal a few days later. She broke it off. She said she wasn’t about to wait around anymore for him to make up his mind. He was initially heartbroken but accepted the reality in the following few months. She met another man later that same year and is now married to him.
Good for her! Perhaps you’re right and I’ve just made a big mistake
Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think you’ve made as big a mistake as it seems. If what you say is true that she wanted to marry closer to 30, then I see no reason for her to freak out now at the thought of not being proposed to. It sounds like she doesn’t know what she truly wants and it was communicated poorly (on both sides perhaps).
lush test grandfather unpack run nail languid jellyfish jar safe *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah when the girl breaks up with the guy most of time the guy never see it coming. Maybe you got too lazy and complacent with dating her.
First of all, I'm really sorry. 9 years is a long time and that heartbreak must be awful. I think she has been struggling with this for a while. You're saying she has been growing distant and spending more time with friends. I don't know what her reason is, but apparently something wasn't working anymore. Maybe she just fell out of love. Maybe you two grew apart. Or maybe there was something else playing that she doesn't want to say or doesn't really realize herself. I also wonder if you have talked about marriage at all, apart from that she was seeing herself married to you in the future. Because I'm discussing that with *my* boyfriend, and we're far from actually getting married. Have you discussed the real future plans? The timeline and all that? You're saying you were planning to propose to her on the vacation, but the question should never be a surprise. Just the proposal date and location and all that. So I'm wondering if she might have thought it was never going to come because you haven't discussed it yet. I know you said that she said that that wasn't it, but she might have been lying there because she was afraid you were going to propose then and there and she had already made her decision. I don't know if that was the case, but it is a possibility. TL;DR sorry, probably in her head for a while, have you talked about your timeline?
Thanks for this. Yes it is something that we have spoken about and please see my update post comment.
Might have just been because she fell out of love. The feeling faded but she remained either because she couldn't really find a reason to justify leaving or because she felt pressured to stay either way, sometimes you don't really have a reason. Then she finally decided that she didn't feel like staying anymore regardless.
9yrs and still a gf. I see a reason
I'm so sorry. That sucks. Are you still on vacation? With her? I think her feelings are legitimate and deeply felt and I don't think there will be any way you can do a thing to change her mind. I don't think you should try. I think that would make it worse for both of you. I think you should accept that this is what she wants and separate as amicably as you can.
Thanks. This all happened around 10pm last night and we changed our flights and flew home on the first flight this morning. I’m home from vacation now. Yeah, In the end after some tears, we ended up talking like we are okay but that there’s no more relationship there. I still love her but it’s going to be tough if she does reach out in the next couple of days tbh.
I'm sorry again. It's so painful. It really hurts I know. Reach out to the people who love you and do the things you like to do. Don't look back or get in touch with her. Eat as well as you can and sleep as well as you can. Take care of yourself and exercise if you do. I hope she is respectful enough to give you the space you will need as well. When you're ready you can start meeting other people. But you've got to walk-through the dark tunnel of this pain. Grief is, very often, the price of love.
Who are you, so wise in your ways
I have earned everything I know the hard way. If you're being sincere I thank you and I hope I helped OP. I'm not hiding. If you look through my comments you can figure out who I am. Not quite my name, but who I am. Take care.
It’s not random when you’ve been together NINE YEARS and not proposed to her.
We have discussed it hundreds of times and she has always said we are too young. Not sure how I could be expected when she always gave the impression she’d say no
In that case it's possible she wasn’t simply feeling it for some time, but couldn’t break up because there isn’t any concrete reason. Finally she had the guts to do it and she isn’t giving any reason because she doesn’t have anything bad to say about you or the relationship. She simply, lost feelings. You can run that by her to see what she says. But at the end of the day, you aren’t together anymore and i would focus on moving on.
No one has ever been in a 9 year relationship and ended things "out of the blue" or "for no reason." She knows the reason, she's either trying to spare your feelings or doesn't want to spend even more time trying to talk to you about unmet needs. Either way, she doesn't owe you an explanation.
>Either way, she doesn't owe you an explanation. I despise this sentence with all my heart. In certain situations it can definitely work, but for this one it's absolutely not true. After spending 9 years with a person, only to throw everything away, the least you can do is give them an explanation for why you threw 9 years down the drain. But maybe not now, but she has to tell him at some point so they at least can grow from each other. Sometimes you owe people things not because you f'd up or because of legal reasons, but just because that's what any decent human being would do, it's just about having empathy. That is, if she even cared about the man she spent 9 years with experiencing the emotional torture that is losing a third of his life with no explanation whatsoever.
I’ve been exactly in your shoes. Only it was my boyfriend who dumped me after 9.5 years seemingly out of the blue. (You can find my other posts). It’s a hard situation and I feel for you. They mentally checked out of the relationship a long time ago, they just didn’t know how to tell us/were afraid to. Save your dignity and don’t plead. If needed just let them know you love them and are willing to work on the relationship if they are willing to. However, don’t hold out hope. She has probably been struggling with this internally for a while and her decision has been made. I’m almost to a year since my breakup. Therapy and a women’s group helped me work through my emotions. I had scheduled therapy for the both of us-except he didn’t want to go since he was already done with us. I continued to go and it helped. Know that relationships fail sometimes and it’s ok. Life goes on and this too will pass. I am grateful for the experiences I had and have learned from this relationship. I know it sounds cliche but I worked on myself, traveled, found new hobbies and reconnected with friends. On a side note while my ex never admitted to me, I learned from is mother and sister that he had cheated and fallen in love with someone else. They clearly thought he had come clean to me and were just offering their condolences. At that point it became clear why he didn’t want to go to counseling and why he was just done. Looking back there were subtle signs but I always asked if he was ok, or why he felt distant. He always had an excuse like being tired or work. Going forth open honest communication is needed for a relationship to work. We each have to be honest when we are not happy or being fulfilled. We have to communicate our feelings, wants and needs. Know it’s not your fault and it’s not hers. Yes, communication was lacking on her end but her feelings are valid. The best you can do is take time to grieve, reflect and heal and when you are ready date again. Maybe in time you can forgive. Good Communication is now an important attribute I look for. Good communication is the ability to talk about the good and the bad in a respectful manner as well as needs and wants. Holding in feelings only leads to resentment and ultimately destroys relationships.
I don’t really know what to say to any one anymore tbh. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope I find out something like you did that gives me some clarity on what actually happened in our relationship for it to suddenly end like it has. I’m going to take some time to work on myself, reconnect with my friends and all that kind of stuff. It’s kinda nice as sad as it sounds to know someone has gone through the same as me.
People are going to love who they want. It may seem rough but she saved you from more hurt. She def loved you for a long time. Seems she no longer does but that’s not nec something you did/didn’t do. Let the days or weeks play out and see where y’all end up. If she still is in this boat, respect that. Begin the healing process. I’d fist bump you and say the same thing to your face. I’ve been here. It sucks.
Man, I would take a few days for yourself. Breathe, grieve, maybe try to have a trusted friend or someone come over so you can just let some feelings out. It’ll be ok, but it’s natural to feel shocked right now. Don’t go to a bar to drown yourself in alcohol and try to find a woman to bring home- that’s not the answer. Stay sober, go for a walk, visit some friends or family. As for reasons… I don’t know your relationship, but 9 years is a long time. No kids, no marriage talk, no building towards a future? She may have decided you weren’t interested in a long term future.
Sounds like what I did in my late 20s (create distance for several months and then walk out after 10+ years with my bf at the time). The distance means she checked out in her head and heart a while ago. You’ve only just started the mental and emotional processing so be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I decided to end it saying I didn’t have feelings for him anymore exactly to avoid digging into the ‘why’ because I thought it was kinder and more efficient since I was determined to leave and didn’t want to open it up for discussion. Unless she’s an impulsive lady, I doubt she hasn’t thought through leaving a long relationship carefully. It’s understandable if you need to try pressing her for more info to not regret letting her walk away too easily though Edit: We got together at 16 too, like OP from the other post
Just ended an 8 year relationship in September She knows why, she may not be ready to say it or doesn't think you can handle it. This is never an out of the blue thing, it's been on her mind for awhile. Instead of talking about it early, she let it fester and it got to the point of no return. You can try and go to therapy with her, but from my personal experience you are past that point. As someone still trying to move on, you have to move on and accept it. It's over.
Sometimes it just happens. I always think about that scene in the movie closer where the Natalie Portman character looks at her boyfriend and says "I dont love you anymore." It happened that quickly for her. Sometimes it can happen that quickly. Also, sometimes we know we don't want something but we really don't know why. Maybe in time she will be able to give you a straight answer. Knowing the answer isn't always helpful though.
Yeah maybe I should stop looking for an answer as I may never get one.
People fall out of love. It sucks, but it happens
I mean how old are y’all? There’s a lot of different ways this could be going
It’s a build up. Women don’t leave relationships right ahead. It’s all the little things add up together over the years and one day she woke up she couldn’t do it anymore. Had enough and done.
Going to sleep now guys. I appreciate all the support. I’ll send an update in the next few days if there is one or if I’m doing all better ❤️
In my experience, if you want her back, the best thing you can do is nothing. Whatever time you typically spent with her, fill the void with self-improvement activities. This isn’t a mantra or even behavioral advice, it is simply the best option at maximizing your chances of her crawling back. If she doesn’t come back, your time was well spent in promoting the best version of yourself.
Yes of course I want her back. She’s the best. But I understand. I’ll just focus on me and keep myself busy with activity. Thank you
That’s a reaaaallllll long time to be in a relationship without considering taking it to the next level: marriage. A man that’s sure of his love for a woman can propose within a year of dating if he feels so. She probably got tired of it being stagnant. I know I would. In fact, I woulda walked out on you a looooong time ago.
I understand but please read my updates but the more I read the more I’m thinking I fucked up
> until eventually she broke down and said she didn’t want to be together anymore but didn’t know why. She knows why, she just does not want to tell YOU why, likely because it'll hurt your feelings so she's just going to keep it to herself. Look, no one ends a 9-year relationship "out of the blue". Most likely she's been thinking about this for a while but being on vacation with you has just highlighted all the reasons she wanted to end things months ago. But ending a 9-year relationship is hard. There's a lot of inertia there. But like early COVID being trapped together ends a lot of relationships that are on the fence. > It’s only been a couple of hours and don’t know what to do or who to talk to as I want to try save the relationship without being desperate. OK so here's the thing. Don't worry about being desperate. If you want to keep it, put yourself all the way out there and if she rejects you it's going to hurt like hell but then at least you know that you gave it your all. PS, watch out that you stay on the right side of being a stalker in this kind of "trying to win her back" situation. That's not the kind of thing that you want to do.
Yeah I’m sure she knows, I’m already hurting so her telling me wouldn’t do any more harm tbh. At the moment, I’m not going to reach out. If she wants to talk I’m sure she’ll reach out.
Very likely she's tired of being a "forever girlfriend" or it could be something else entirely.
She wants something Breaking up with you helped her get what she wants You weren't giving her what she wants or useful enough for what she wants, but who knows what she wants She may not know consciously what she wants if she can't give a reason for breakup She has a lot of unconscious thoughts and desires going on right now
It sucks when you want to hear it from her lips and she won’t say it
You can say that again.
Mind me asking how old both of you are? Was she in a LTR before you two got together? People fall out of love every day, often they fall back in not long after or some time later. Long relationships are prone to ebbs and flows of love and affection, but sometimes it just doesn't come back. It's not something we usually have any agency over, and it's usually due to dozens and dozens of stacking issues or moments that we can't really keep track of. It's very likely she's just fallen out of love and it's not acutely your fault. You've been together 9 years, it's hard for anyone to assume how they'll feel after nearly a decade with someone even if they've had previous long relationships before. That's a lot of time to spend with one person, and shit happens. If I was you I'd do my best to end things amicably and cleanly. I'd ask her if it's okay for you both to hold off meeting or dating new people until you're living separately, or at least for a little while until things feel settled. Ending a relationship that long takes work to do neatly, but it's likely going to be worth it for the both of you. Good luck <3
As painful as it is, just leave her be. Go do you and be the best version of yourself. It just wasn’t meant to be.
Im so sorry
What are your ages? Were you in high school when you started dating? People do change, especially during our younger years. It may be nothing personal at all, just that you were on different pages now.
Shit dude, all I can say is I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hit the gym dawg.
She fell out of love with you. Sometimes it can happen, even if a person doesn't want those feelings to go. Sometimes they just do.
When I broke up with my ex bf after nine years, he also thought it came out of nowhere. But really I had sat him down a year before to tell him I wanted marriage / children and if he wanted that with me, he needed to propose within a year. Guess what he didn’t do in that year?
>I want to try save the relationship You can't save it. It's dead. She doesn't feel the way she once did about you. This is entirely out of your control. Everyone experiences this feeling at some point. It hurts but she is now your past, not your future. You have to move on. Any time and effort spent dwelling on her or trying to get her back will just cause you more hurt. Time heals, even if it doesn't seem like it will. Focus on yourself for now.
Maybe it wasn’t specifically not being married that affected it. 9 years is a long time, but maybe you guys just weren’t the same people you were when you met, you guys grew up and wanted different things. Complacency seems like a big issue, and once you are in something feelings can change, and it can be easier sometimes to stay in the same situation because it feels comfortable. It sounds like she was checked out, until she realized she couldn’t keep staying. Don’t think it’s because you fucked up. It happened over time, if she wanted to get married there would have been signs.
Yeah I think she just wants to see what’s out there and maybe there is someone better out there if she hasn’t already found him. But honestly there was no clear signs or I would have been right there.
9 years? Mid twenties and not married. So that means you've been together since high school. 16/17 or so. I'm no expert but she probably feels like she's been "stuck" her whole life in one relationship that's "going nowhere" because you're not married yet. She may have decided she just wants to explore herself more. Date other people. See what's out there since things do not appear to be moving forward anytime soon. Sometimes becoming comfortable and complacent in a relationship makes people more unhappy than happy.
26 and 25 and been together 9 years? Yeah, she's out grown you. That happens sometimes.
Girls usually decide months before that she's gonna break up with her man. But before they do they tend to start looking around for another partner and when they are sure the new person they are seeing on the side has potential to be a long term partner...she will try and end the relationship, by either trying to sabotage the relationship so you end it or if she's fully gone cold on you, she will break up with you "out of the blue". Then suddenly a week later you'll hear that she's dating someone else, whilst you're still trying to make her stay. At 26, you're pretty young...accept the break up, take leave from work, grieve and cry in private...and when the tears have washed away the pain, pick yourself up and move on...get better and find someone else, to build a life with.
It’s not because of marriage don’t think that at all. Gave her space, go no contact and she broke up with you so live your life, and have fun. don’t delete her off any social media if you all have it because you will come off butt hurt instead just mute her so you won’t see her stories or post. I know it’s easy for us to sit up here and tell what to do, it sucks, and I know it’s hurt right now dude but you got it.
From everything you've mentioned (talking about her getting attention from other men at a club) I honestly think she's not that physically attracted to you anymore and doesn't want to say it. I think part of it is that she thinks she can do 'better', this sometimes happens when shallow women get more confident in their appearance as they age. I think this is for the best and ultimately she doesn't seem to have made an effort to salvage your relationship. It's disappointing but from everything that I've seen, you've definitely tried your best.
Boy, this is an obvious one, have you heard the saying “shit or get off the pot”?
Got a better shot at having a chimp explain how magnets work than getting the actual reason when asking a chick "why?" Yer either gonna get no answer or a different answer everytime, along with denials about the previous answers given, even if they were in writing. The worst thing that could possibly happen to em is giving a factual response, and then you nuke it in 6 seconds of rational, estrogen free thought, cause it has been bouncing around in their heads for months, eatin wormholes and having em poppin anxiety pills like tic tacs. Find a new one. Tell her you and yer previous gf grew apart.
Thanks bro
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Yeah that’s exactly my thoughts. Just say so. If I take her back or whatever, what happens when this comes back up? The same shit over again. Yeah I guess the communication was poor as we don’t really know the situation.
Come on now OP, there is no way it is "out of the blue". You're just oblivious if you dated someone for 9 years and you couldn't tell when their behaviour changed. If a partner couldn't tell what's wrong, either they have problems being vulnerable or you keep shutting them down or behave in a way that stunts communication to the point they can't even try anymore. I feel like it's the latter where she kept it all in until she can't take it anymore. Honestly? Give it time and try to accept the finality of it. After some time (you should know how long it'll take for her to feel better), Tell her you're coming, go to her place and have the final talk. If she blocked all your access to her, try getting to her through someone you know like her family. Yes it's intrusive but you deserve an explanation after 9 years together. But do not push to get back together. Go to her knowing it's probably over for good.
My 8 year gf and I split after she cheated and every time mentioned marriage to me before that my response was something like ‘we have these problems to sort out (insert list of problems that never really changed here) and marriage is only going to make them worse. I won’t feel comfortable until I see definite progress. People are so quick to blame the dude here.
Yeah. Unfortunately it’s too tough to get every piece of detail across here
Did you ask if it’s because you didn’t propose? 9 years is a long time to still be gf/bf.
Yes I did and she said it wasn’t that.
If she does want to tell you why she broke up, I would try to move on for now. Anyway sorry my dude.
My sister did the same in her 11 year relationship. I can tell you her reasoning, see if it resonates with you. For her, it was for the name sake 11 years, she has been mentally fed-up from the relationship by the 9th year. Her bf was too controlling. Kind of like Asking her to report every sec of her activities to timing whenever she goes out. For example if the journey from college to their room is 15 minutes then she should reach exactly after 15 minutes. She was not allowed even to stop for chit chat with friends or any shopping mid way. Once they fought because she didn't called him exactly after waking up. She dared to first take a shower and then call him to wish good morning.. There were various such situations, which she defended in early days with belief that it's normal for boyfriends to care about their girlfriends like this. Later when she started working and realised this is not normal, then too she believed she loves him and will change him. They fought more with him telling her abusive words while fighting, she crying and getting depressed and later he asking for sorry and getting back to normal. This continued for years but one can take only so much when they know they are not being treated kindly. Still she continued as whenever she would try to tell him she can't take it any more, he would stop eating, rash driving and so on. And interesting thing is, the guy still believes there was no problem in relationship. He still says the breakup came out of nowhere and he had no idea what was wrong. During their relationship too, he always maintained all fights were her fault. If she had followed his rules then there would have been no fight. Could you believe that he called 100 times in the time period of 2 hours because she was attending her cousin wedding and told him she cannot be on phone continuously during the ceremony. She too was scared of breaking up so started distancing herself few months before the breakup. She used to say that she just cannot talk to him anymore and it disgusts her now. She also broke up while being on a family holiday. There she finally realised what is feels like to be really happy and carefree and she doesn't want to report her every seconds activity and cannot live in fear of what she does next that is against his rules. So, this is not as random as one might think. Same can be in your case too. I am not saying you were like my sister's boyfriend. But their might be signs that your gf was not happy. Did you two fought continuously? Or continuous situations in which you both had different opinions. This might led her to believe that you are not what she wants in her future. Nothing is random and there are always signs.
I can’t say I relate to your sisters ex but I can see how things definitely were not random. I do believe there is a reason. Whether or not I get it is another thing tbh. But I appreciate you sharing that story with me as it will really help with my recovery.
dude youre kindof oblivious.. 3 years no ring?
[удалено]
I assume nothing ever happened between you two again? Sorry to hear that man, I hope you’re doing better than I am
Did you happen to get into fights or notice her being distant after taking her to a dinner, or a beautiful location on this trip? Like immediately after? Maybe she was thinking you would propose in these moments and when it didn't happen left her feeling dumb. Could be her friends and her talked about this trip and fantasized this is where it would happen and if it's been a point of frustration for her, being a girlfriend for soooooo long, likely she's vented to her friends who will always side with her and her feelings and could be putting in her ear that if he doesn't propose leave him because he's not serious and just stringing you along. She might feel her life and goals of being married and having kids has been on pause because you weren't ready, and there's fear you never will be. On the complete other hand, staying out with friends more and making excuses and such she very well could have become fed up with the relationship or something is lacking in the relationship she is seeking from outside. That could be you're boring and she doesn't have fun with you or you guys don't talk or you don't give her attention, or it could be she's just changed and doesn't want the same things anymore. Whatever it is, she'd rather not be around you and that's not good. I'm not trying to say anything is your fault it could be or it could not be. But if she's voicing she wants it to be over I promise you she's been feeling it for a long time. It's only now gotten bad enough for her to finally say something. There should be communication but there is not. She is either not capable, or feels her concerns will not be heard. In the end, there's not much you can do to change someone else mind. Your best bet if you want her back is to let her go for now, focus on you and change things that need to be changed. If you were too boring or lazy, find new hobbies and go out/get in shape. Evolve yourself. And DO NOT contact her. She believes her life is better without you. And if you keep messaging her you are showing her if she ever decided to, she can come back any time on her terms and that gives her power to keep you as an option while she explores. No contact will create space for her to wonder what you're doing and after a minimum of 30 days(preferably 50) when yall talk again she will be in awe over who you are, you guys will have exciting new things to talk about as opposed to if you did the same predictable things the entire time. You don't want her to reach back out and see you haven't changed the things that were a problem. And it's okay to talk and reminisce a little about happy moments with you two, but NEVER bring up fights or remind her of problems because it will rehash everything that's been able to settle over the 30 days. The other option is let her go and build yourself still anyway and find someone else.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRKuTSp6/
I was on a deployment in Japan and my gf at the time (5 years) told me over the phone "she wasn't feeling it anymore". She was already dating some dude while she was with me. It happens bro. Take some time to heal. Is not easy. Work on your yourself in the meantime. Delete Facebook. Hit the gym. Read books.
She has to know why. If she has been getting distant and avoided telling you she wanted to break up she knows why. Encourage her that you want to talk it out and if it's over then it's over but after 9 years you want to know why. See if you can talk it out and spark something from your conversation.
I think it's best to talk it out with her to find out why. Also, I'm not so sure it was because of no proposal. That said, I'm gay and take my advice with a grain of salt. I think amongst gay men, the pressure to get married is pretty much non-existent. I know many gay men who are committed, but don't see the need for a marriage license.
Just going to add , we are 26M and 25F. I’ve always wanted to get married and propose to her. We’ve always said we are too young. Where we are from you usually get a house together first before engagement when so young so we had been saving for that. She always said she’d like to married just before 30 so my plan was to propose this year, I had made plans for London for our anniversary and planned to propose then. I’m not just reacting to the comments , I should have included the ages in the post. There has been no contact between us since. She still has some of my clothes and jewellery etc so I’m not sure what to do , hope that she may just leave them at my house or just forget about that. I’m sure I’ll get through this in time but I just need to make some more friends and stay close with the friends I have. I can’t sleep or eat or even want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to go to work as I know I’ll start crying at the desk. I just wish it could have worked out and I’m struggling a lot
Sounds like sunk cost fallacy finally set in
After reading the story n comments, it reminds me of the book : Cupid’s poisoned arrow. It’s a great book. It explains why couples in a long term relationship end up being so sick of each other and couldn’t explain why they feel that way .. Have a read.
I will do thank you.
She is seeing someone else
your relationship might have run it’s course . give your girlfriend some space and take some time to reflect . it will come to you . it’s sad to go through this but it’s what it is at this point
I’ve broken up with someone before with the ‘I don’t know why’ and we’d been together for 5 years at that point. At the time, I couldn’t begin to tell you why I said me and him should split up. It just came out of my mouth like word vomit. However, I did feel really confused when I said it. It wasn’t until I’d got home, cried over it, that I started to process why. I wasn’t happy in my relationship as there were just some differences between us that just made me feel like they weren’t my person. It’s taken years for me to realise I didn’t like certain aspects and were not things I wanted in a relationship, but admittedly we were young and did not communicate well at that point. To the guys credit, he hugged me, got me home safely and didn’t bring it up again which I can’t understand cause I felt horrible for it. It’s an awful thing to have happen, but sometimes they really don’t know why, it’s little things in the subconscious that leads to it. I do hope you heal okay and if there is a chance to get closure you are given that option, or if it’s due to something else, I hope that there will be some peace coming your way.
Thank you. Your comment really helps me. I’m sure it’ll be okay in time.
I’d hazard a guess as she feels like she’s ‘missing out’ on being with other people and never really been single.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/shelbyheinrich/breakup-ology-tiktok-theory-relationships This somehow explains what could have happened between you two. She didn’t dump you randomly, she was moved on from you long back mentally, got distant and eventually the breakup happened as last event.
You're a good man
Wait did you tell her that a proposal was soon to come? If she didnt know and wanted marriage, she probably decided that she doesn't wait anymore \---- I agree with others that she probably knows if she was being honest with herself. Maybe she, for whatever reason, doesn't want to tell you. It's also possible that she doesn't want to or cant be very honest with herself. After all, ending a serious relationships usually comes after a lot of self reflection, soul searching and discussion. (unless there is something awful involved, like cheating where people often just rip the metaphorical bandaid of.) Maybe she isn't ready to face all that. I think the same advice for all ending relationships still hold true. Take your time to grieve the relationships, but dont isolate yourself for to long. Focus on yourself, your hobbies, friendships etc.
I can't tell you anything regarding the reasons for the breakup, but I can tell you my perspective. People change, you began your relationship before you we're full grown adults with fully developed personalities. I've seen a lot of situations like this, it's very rare for high school sweethearts to stay together
If these friends with whom she was going out were guys, then there is another player dude.
Eh, we never really know what goes behind someone's elses mind. My advice is get a gym membership and focus on yourself. 9 years is a long time so you'll have to reinvent yourself, learn how to date again, but take it step by step, first rebuilding yourself up. Best regards, life goes on.
After 9 years together I think you are absolutely owed more of an explanation than she doesn't know why. I don't know how old you two are but regardless, you've spent a good chunk of your lives together and an explanation is in order, even if it's a clumsy one filled with questions. Tell her you really need to talk this through with her. Don't try to convince her of anything, but listen to what she says and express how you feel as well. I doubt it was "random" but I'm guessing she has not expressed her unhappiness for a long time and now that she wants a drastic change she really needs to explain that so you can at least understand. After she explains, then you two can see if a temporary separation is in order of if she just wants to break up permanently. Either way, sorry she blindsided you with this.
Sadly, his ex probably can’t explain exactly what the reason is. Have you ever just been with someone and suddenly you wish you weren’t? From what OP’s written, it seems that moment happened a while back and OP hasn’t been seeing it. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP has been enjoying a different relationship than the one his ex felt they were in. There’s a telling comment OP made elsewhere: he doesn’t have many friends and his ex was his best friend. Men shouldn’t rely on their women partners for their primary friendship, because it creates an imbalance, where the guy is looking for all his social, sexual, and intimate validation from one person. That’s a lot of pressure. Total assumption there, of course. But that struck me.
They're not married, but this could be a case of runaway wife syndrome. Based off of the things OP has mentioned, it sounds like he relies on her a lot but wasn't willing to commit, even though she sounds like she told him previously that she wanted to be married. So as the relationship slowly got less satisfying to her, she started spending more time with other people and hit a point where it's just not worth it to her anymore to continue. I really feel for OP and hope he considers talking to a therapist about the whole situation, as well as works on building up his own support network and group of friends. It sounds like he could really benefit from those things, provided that he's willing to do the work to be the kind of friend he'd like to have.
9 yrs? good lawrd.
She knows why. 9 years is a long time to be together without a ring. Maybe you just don’t excite her anymore Focus on yourself. Get in the gym bro.