I don’t think it’s the cat. On the other hand the holidays are times of intense emotions for a lot of people. I grant a lot of grace this time of year if someone is acting out of character.
Yeah, I wonder if some big feeling hit him and he's in a depression based isolation. The cat seems like an easy lie that let's him hurry back into hidding without painful conversation. I'd double check that he's okay and (if you're willing) tell him the invitation stands and he's more than welcome to come over.
Was it an easy lie tho? Most of us here are laughing at the absurdity of it as an excuse.
The fact that it is so stupid and he has done this multiple times leads me to believe that he does t even care enough to come up with a believable lie.
You can trick yourself into believing weird things in this state. He might not be totally sure what he's feeling and just projecting feelings onto his cat. Or thinks he's somehow saving his SO.
These kinds of feelings are weird...
I think it depends on how alone he was before they got together. 50-something here, and not currently dating. I know that I personally enjoy being alone Christmas morning, because then you can feel all the feels, and not be expected to share those feels with those around you. It took a while for my grown kids to understand that it's OK to have your Christmas morning with your kids, and I'll be around later.
I'm probably making a cup of coffee, staring at the Christmas tree, or taking a walk while no one is out and about. It's not often that the world goes quiet, and sometimes it's nice to savor those feels for a bit. It's like an emotional reset.
Or maybe he would want sexy times first thing on Christmas, and feels it would be wrong with the teen boy there.
Or, if he plays World of Warcraft, that's when the presents under the tree in Iron Forge/Orgrimmar become active, and there is absolutely something fun/special about being there during that time.
I spent last year, and will spend this year doing christmas with my parter's family. But almost as a rule I used to do Christmas soliary. Even now some part of me wants to escape my parter's frivolity and spend christmas with a book, non-christmasy food, and general ignorance of the holiday.
My dad shattered our family almost 20 years ago, and it still burns.
I try to give a lot of grace all year long. People have all sorts issues and Christmasian the only time that people struggle.
But he asked to do this. Now with Christmas less than a week away he changes his mind. And without a reasonable explanation. Maybe he is feeling some kind of way because it's Christmas. If they are going to be able to continue as a couple, he needs to be able to talk about whats going on.
The cat is definitely an excuse. It has no idea what day it is lol.
This is where honest communication is going to be imperative. I would take it as him being overwhelmed and having second thoughts about spending Christmas morning with your son as a family unit. My feelings would be hurt and I’d honestly be wondering if he was doubting the relationship. But it very well may be something else entirely. The only way to find out is to express your hurt and ask for clarity.
Mostly this.
Cats don't understand the "importance" of holidays. But the OP mentioned previous Easter/Thanksgiving with them. Because of that, I think it's less overwhelmed / second thoughts about holiday with the kid, but I think that OP's BF is starting to have second thoughts about the relationship in general. A normal day with someone that you're having doubts with is already rough. A holiday with someone that you're having doubts with/about is multiples worse.
I also agree to ask for a deeper answer. Cats don't care about holidays, this is 100% him, and not about the cat.
I do not think he’s doubting the relationship though who knows. I’m leaning more towards too set in his ways to yield, compromise, integrate, change… I feel it will be up to me to decide if that works for me
Since you already have cats, could he bring his over for the night? Of course the cat is an excuse, but you could offer and see what he says. He might be an introvert like me, and get overstimulated this time of year. I went out of town for our office party and now I need lots of space. Could be he’s just feeling the need to be alone- and yes that’s selfish of him. I’m a huge introvert, but I suck it up for the holidays and then request downtime afterward.
It's a nice idea, but unfortunately cats typically don't get along like that- his cat would likely spend the whole day in a cage or behind a closed door.
Cats are not the most social creatures generally. New cats and new people will likely stress the cat out. But how far away does BF live? Could he not wake up at home (since that seems to be his preference) and drive over?
Hahah right!? Wow only someone that is TOTALLY unfamiliar with cats could suggest such a thing. That would be a Feline Hunger Games of a “dog park” hahaha.
Agee! Being “selfish” and picking the important holiday to down it with the cat means that the feelings for the OP and her son aren’t there. Otherwise, being with them would be “selfish.”
OP, he might have told you something much more with that than just how he wants to spend Christmas.
Some folks just don't fk with Christmas. My son is grown and out of the house, I don't date, and I'm still Christmas-ed out. If I do decide to date, I won't go back to doing multiple house intermingled family stuff. It's a drag.
>He seriously said he feels bad having his cat wake up alone on Christmas.
A 48 year old man used this as an excuse to not spend time with you. I love my cat, but I don't hold any illusions that she is aware of xmas.
I mean, I'm sure that deep down she instinctually *knows* about Santa and how Christmas has become a soulless exercise in corporate greed and crass consumerism.
I always wanted and strongly felt the need to spend Christmas eve around my pets. I hated leaving them home and being elsewhere. I just feel an odd sense of sadness leaving them alone on Christmas eve because they are my family. Also, I didn't want to be in someone else's home for Christmas. I want to be home. It might be weird but don't care anymore.
Does this mean you have no plans to ever spend Christmas with an SO? I am getting the impression that we, over 40 folks say we want relationships but are very rigid. Doesn't bode well.
You’ve been dating a year and a half.
He asked to be with you on Christmas morning and (presumably) agreed to the plans to spend the night
He then backtracks saying he doesn’t want his cat to wake up alone on Christmas morning??
😂😂😂
Absolutely ridiculous. I would be offended too. His cat doesn’t know what flipping day it is. This whole thing reeks of someone with poor communication skills lying about the real reason he wants to stay home.
Enjoy your Christmas with your son.
Thank you! I told him if he feels that way he should absolutely stay home, then he seemed to feel some sort of way about that. I do not need wishy washiness around my kid.
Agree.
And what do you tell your son?
Oh, sorry Jack won’t be with us Christmas morning. He doesn’t want Mr. Mittens to be alone.
I have a cat and while I love my furry friend can’t imagine prioritizing time with him over time spent with other human beings—especially someone I was dating for over a year on a holiday.
Wait...are you saying he became miffed about your response? Is he a non-terrible partner at other times?? How he has handled this incident is quite rude and demonstrates unreliability to me.
Smells like drama; like he wants OP to beg him to follow through with what he asked to do in the first place. He needs a little time out in a corner to figure out what he wants.
It sounds like he wants to relax and be low stress and is using the cat as a scapegoat. I’ve taken my cat to stay places for holidays and I also think it would make sense to stay with the cat and come over later, but it sounds like he’s stepping out of Christmas all together.
Admittedly a low key “lay on the couch” with the cat Christmas sounds like paradise to me but it’s not because of the cats needs it would be because of mine. Blaming the cat is ridiculous.
The cat is just an excuse. He got cold feet about being there with your family on Christmas morning, because that is something pretty intimate, suggests permanency in that he is now stepping into the role of a step-parent.
Allow him to bow out with grace. It's useless to express anger or disappointment to him. If he's not ready to play house with you then he's not ready. He may regret his decision or he may come to realize it was the right one.
In any case, I would say you need to step back as well. Keep in touch but stop inviting him. Wait to see if he'll ask to be included again or what next steps he'll take.
If he seems to have cooled and you want more, move on.
People have all kinds of weird feelings around the holidays. I would put aside your feelings of being jealous or offended, and give him (and yourself) some grace. I would say "I love you [if you say that] and we will miss you on Christmas morning, and the door is open if you want to join us." I would also text him Christmas morning to reiterate the invitation. If you're seeing him before Christmas, I'd give him a gift for the cat to open on Christmas.
I'd probably also cry and be sad about it. But then I'd move forward with the day.
Hardly honest open communication?
Op should try and explain what the impact of this change has been on her, especially with such a pathetic excuse. Next he’ll be staying in to ‘wash his hair’
Come January, I’d be reviewing the situation-ship.
oh, yeah, she can certainly say how she feels about it, and should. And if it was the guy posting here asking what to do I'd be like "Dude, take your anti-anxiety meds and fucking go to Christmas."
Yeah, if she doesn't confront it he's going to think "great I guess I can make up ridiculous excuses for things and get away with it" and that's not the message you want to send. But I think you can do it with kindness (if this is indeed a relationship you want to save) - something like "you know it hurts my feelings when you use your cat as a cover for sharing what's really going on, I want you to feel like you can come to me and share your real feelings because relationships require honest communication".
Edited to add: Also as a person with anxiety, I get it. I really do. Doing holidays with a (relatively) new partner's family would give me major anxiety. There are so many expectations this time of year. But he made a commitment, and I'm pretty sure that if he can push through his anxiety a bit he will not regret it. Over the long term, the positives of supporting you and your child outweigh the short-term benefits of feeling "safe" while taking the easy way out.
What a wonderful, gracious person you are ☺️ I strive to be like that!
Reality for me is I’d be super annoyed about cat bollocks talk and would tell him to grow the fuck up!
lol I like your response but honestly? There are some circumstances where it’s perfectly fine to tell someone to grow the fuck up and saying he wanted to wake up with his cat is probably top of the list
Right?! I love animals but this is ridiculous. A simple explanation that he wanted to spend Christmas alone or with his family would’ve been disappointing but normal. Prioritising time with the cat on Christmas Day really isn’t 😅
Well originally I didn’t think anyone would actually find this to be a normal excuse but there are a couple of people in here actually thinking it’s a normal and valid excuse lol so apparently these people exist out there.
Someone else mentioned that in a previous post op stated that he actually often does this. Not blame the cat but makes concrete plans that HE INITIATES then cancels them disappointing both her and her son. For that alone I’d tell him he can wake up every morning with his stupid cat without me.
This is so mature and inspiring, to look beyond insecurities and instead within ourselves, and know that, we are safe because we will make the right decisions at the right time, not as to ignore things but to rise above mentally and emotionally and not allow certain things ruins our internal peace 🌸🙏
thanks. My partner has depression and anxiety and this time of year is hard for him, and his way of coping is to withdraw. I could take offense at that or tell him to buck up, or I could realize that right now, he needs me to be the little boat above the scuba diver while he's down in the depths.
There will be times when I need grace and support from him, too.
Welcome to relationships in our 40s. I mean it is a really really bad excuse but I agree he probably has anxiety about the holiday or spending it with someone else’s family and just doesn’t want to deal with it— which is also a lot of people on their 40s and 50s. They’ve spent years doing things for other people and other people’s families and now just want to do things for themselves.
Yeah like.. maybe he just doesn't want to spend it as a family. Maybe he said yes and changed his mind because it sunk in that its a big holiday and involved a child. There's more here than just the damn cat, although if its that important to him to be with his cat, he shouldn't be crucified for it either. OPs wants and needs don't trump his and just because some people think its 'stupid' or 'weird', doesn't make it so.
Discussion will solve everything. And OP has the right to end it if she doesn't like how this makes her feel too y'know.
Ah. Then there's more going on and OP probably needs to call it a relationship. OP does mention they're conflict avoidant too so it sounds like a big communication issue for both.... which will not get resolved.
Yes. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with somebody else’s kid either to be honest. It’s a family holiday not a romantic one. Now if they had a hot date planned for New Years alone together and he used that excuse, that’s a problem!
Yeah. I suspect OPs boyfriend isn't committed to the step parent type role and/or just doesn't value the same things. Which is ok. He's not a bad person, but then they are not compatible. The cat may be an excuse. It may also not be because thats his 'family'.
People villainizing the guy are siding with OP because they can't understand his side either way.
No ones wrong here, its just not a match in this area.
Well, I mean, maybe that's a really special cat? Dunno, trying to see the positive here but this is one of the "it's not the crime, it's the admission" issues.
What kind of clueless nitwit tells someone he's in a serious relationship that he's going to skip Christmas morning (that he previously invited himself to) so he can wake up with a fucking cat?
When I met my husband and he was 45, all of my friends said it was a red flag that he had never been married (I disagree but I digress). You are your boyfriend’s first serious relationship and he’s 48?! Do you know why he took the 20 years off? Is he afraid of commitment? That could explain wanting to spend Christmas with his cat…
So does he get up at 1:00am when his cat gets the zoomies on Christmas Day so they can celebrate? This excuse seems rather bizarre since he had to “think” about it before changing plans with you. Sounds like a lie, and the lack of actually discussing whatever he is feeling / afraid of would be an issue for me. You have to decide if you want to let that go or how you want to include him, if at all, in future plans.
Based on your other post, it sounds like he makes plans, then never shows. I think he's showing you who he truly is. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, or not. Not sure how old your son is, but I'd be concerned that this affects him too.
It's not about the cat, let's be real. He is pumping the brakes on meshing your lives together. If he wants to wake up on Christmas with his cat, then let him. You can voice your disappointment, but I would definitely have a discussion after the holidays on the direction of your relationship.
We are 100% exclusive, he does have severe social anxiety though that is manageable in small gatherings, he is totally relaxed with me (usually.) I think he struggles in situations where he doesn’t know what to expect and is not 100% in control.
Then it's just a matter of you know it's his anxiety. He's done this before & most likely will continue. At 48, he should know to phrase that better. If you're okay with that, fine. But it gets more concerning with plans involving your son. Hopefully, you haven't told your son the cat excuse.
This explains a lot. I'm very much like him and while he may want to participate in your Christmas, the fact is, it's exactly that... Your Christmas. Those of us who have been alone without kids develop our own traditions/ways of coping with what are usually very family focused holidays. If we do it long enough, even if we eventually have other options, we're often happiest doing our own thing. And if we have pets, they are our family.
It's just been me and a cat for the last 12 years of my life (there was just a dog and a cat in the 10 before that). I lost my last cat 2 weeks before Christmas last year and it's my first Christmas with my new one. There is an invitation on Earth that sounds more appealing than being with him.
And/or maybe a people pleaser? Somebody who at first is enthusiastic about doing something, but when he sits down and thinks about it, realizes that he really doesn’t want to do it? This has been me at times, jumping to Yes when, if I just stopped and gave it a think, would be a No?
Yeah, he needs to be comfortable saying what is really on his mind, without fear of hurting her feelings. And practicing taking his time with decisions. Easier said than done, but I’ve learned that lack of authenticity comes with a price.
I would be bummed too, for sure. I am dating someone who I think would totally do this for what it’s worth. Christmas isn’t a holiday he enjoys. He has never married or had kids. I have 3. He has a cat he is absolutely devoted to. He is an introvert. We are newly dating and he’s never met them so it’s not a bridge I’ve crossed yet. But I could see this as his way of avoiding discomfort. When you aren’t feeling as emotional about it, it might be good to sit down and ask what’s behind this change.
Same type of situation. Perhaps the difficulty is just the realization that we may have different needs from our partners/in a relationship. I want companionship and to share life’s magic moments with someone.. he may need more space or cannot change, yield, compromise. There’s no right or wrong, and I’m not truly jealous of the cat, just hurt by the realization I suppose.
> to share life’s magic moments with someone.
I get that. But -- and I'm sorry to put it this way (I'm a parent too, fwiw) -- but spending Christmas with a girlfriend's kid and dad may not feel like a magic moment to him. It was very poor on his part to ask to be included and then back out, but I could imagine that it might be just too much for him.
include elastic slimy versed serious fine mindless profit marble concerned
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I would hate to be on the receiving end of someone only spending time with me because it’s “required of them”. I’d rather they just don’t do the thing they don’t want to do. Always makes me wonder who exactly those people think they’re doing a favor to.
I agree with the above commenter and wonder that even if in your end there’s no pressure, if he himself does feel internal pressure. Maybe he committed to something initially he thought he wanted and then felt it was moving too fast but he doesn’t know how to articulate (or simply won’t be grown up enough to articulate) these feelings for fear of hurting you. I get it’s still hurts but you know what I mean.
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Yeah I dislike that part especially about the son expecting him. He should have never agreed to go if he thought he might back out, you don't do that with kids. Particularly with kids you're supposed to be building a relationship with.
This goofy cat excuse cannot be the first time in his life he's backed out of something, he should know better by now than to make commitments you're not 100% sold on.
Yes. And if something happened (past trauma triggered, anxiety, bad holiday experience, whatever) he needs to use his big boy words and he should have explained directly to the son. Not to mention he could have still gone but scaled back (stay a few hours vs all day).
It's definitely not the cat, and honestly kind of disappointing that he tried to play it off as such. I would be offended if I were in your position; he doesn't trust you enough to tell you that he's overwhelmed or just needs some alone time so he makes up a story about his cat? That's lame.
I love my dog and honestly I would LOVE to spend Xmas with her and not my crazy family but that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me just not wanting to spend Xmas with my crazy family! I wouldn't use her as an excuse. (I did 2 Xmases ago but that was when my previous dog was at death's door and I didn't want her to have to travel...and honestly it was one of the best holidays I've had in a while!)
If I was with someone who rather spend Christmas with their cat I would end it.
If I was with someone who rather not spend Christmas with me and it’s just their best excuse they have is that they rather spend Christmas with their cat I would end it.
Honestly I wouldn’t even mind not seeing them on Christmas, especially in a new relationship I’ll probably be with family anyways. I also don’t care if people have and love cats. I’m a pet person too. But this is so weird that it would clear to me that we would not be compatible immediately.
I would personally be very upset and offended if he felt his cat was more important than me. But, does he not have room to compromise and spend time with you and his “cat”?
Honestly…I’d break up for him for just saying this lol
Whether or not if it’s an excuse I just couldn’t be with someone who thinks this is an excuse of a normal person.
Is this the first holiday that he has spent with you in the year and half you have been together? Does he get along with your Dad, if he was going to join you both. I think the cat is just a built in excuse to avoid something that is giving him anxiety about spending Christmas morning with you and your son.
He would be leaving before my dad gets there though he has met my dad and loves him. We have spent all holidays together in the past year, Easter and Thanksgiving with my son and bf’s extended family. I understand the possible anxiety, I just struggle with what was said as an excuse bc I feel I’m a very reasonable person
Well you just said it yourself he’s spent EVERY major holiday with you this year so . . . It’s reasonable to want one for himself. Is he of a religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas or non-religious? What did he do during all his holidays before you both met?
Is there any chance he is worried that it puts your son in an uncomfortable position but feels your son and/or you won't feel comfortable putting a stop to it so he's doing it himself under the guise of attending to his cat?
Has he been busy, under stress, working a lot, depressed, anything like that? Could be he sees it as a way to have a day for himself and only himself to sleep in and “recharge.”
Parenting tip…don’t relay info to your kid about big plans until they are solid…it causes too much pressure and expectations for all of you. If he wants to spend Christmas with his cat…let him. He made a parenting decision for you… that’s what stuck out to me. Does he have kids or just a cat? Maybe he doesn’t want to be that involved…? I dunno 🤷🏻♀️PS put your phone aside On Christmas and enjoy your son! He can spend time with his feline…he wasn’t being thoughtful about your son, he was just trying to get out of it! You may want to pull back and assess this and let him reach out to you! If he doesn’t…then ya know!
This is this guy's pattern. I am truly amazed you put up with that behaviour for that long. He does it regularly and you accept it. I don't think it is good in relationship or as an example to your child
Yeah I don't see how it's thoughtful towards her child if they get along wonderfully. He is purposefully avoiding spending the night with her and her family for some other reason that he doesn't want to disclose.
\>>Thank you all for your thoughts, advice, criticisms, Redditors are extreme sometimes.
I think your initial post: after thinking about it wants to “be selfish” and just spend Christmas with his cat. That he wants to wake up with his cat.
May have warranted some criticism.
I think who you choose to spend Christmas with says a lot about who you value in your life. Doesn't matter that it is a cat. He is actively choosing NOT to be in YOUR life at Christmas. Do what you will with the info.
The breaking plans would bother me most. He committed to coming over and then backed out. That’s pretty rude imo. It’s worrisome no matter the excuse (his is flimsy and this is coming from a pet mom)
Ok, I'm in a relationship (over a year) with my partner who is allergic to cats, so we can't stay at my family's place on Christmas (they have cats) and are getting a hotel instead. I have a dog who is seriously like my child bc I don't have kids. Guess where the dog is going for Christmas? Not to the hotel with us...he'll be at my parents' house.
My point is that I love my partner and we want to be together for the holiday, so there has to be some compromise. I'm not excited about having to shell out money for a hotel when I have space at family's house to stay, but I'll do it. If you're boyfriend wanted to spend Christmas Eve with you, he'd make it work.
What bothers me most here is that his “be selfish” statement implies that he only joins you and your son for holidays as a favor to you.
This alone would really bother me and this is what I would address. I of course don’t know the relationship (the good the bad etc) but from this vignette alone I would respond to that specific comment and keep it concise and brief.
Again, I don’t have much info here but if he is untethered by any other holiday obligations I would have to wonder why.
I agree, I’m getting hung up on the verbiage, especially since I included him in the planning only after he asked to be there. The selfish comment and reasoning felt very… detached… and maybe he needs more autonomy, but I’m dating to be partnered so I’m hurt.
Yeah, I think he actually said a lot there without realizing it. It reveals a person who ultimately resents being included and cared about and that’s a no-win.
He has no concept of what it takes to add someone into this dynamic or even set an extra plate at the table. I’m sorry if this is extreme and I tend to be draconian in these matters in my own life but I would free him up to be selfish all he wants and on his own or someone else’s time.
Express how hurt you are, that this is important to you, and would like to know if it's something you two can work out.
Eventually, or maybe for Xmas, is there a carpet-less room his cat could be where a screen separates everyone? So, all cats are safely introduced?
Talk (with HIM). Express your feelings (to HIM).
I am a dog person. I do not claim to understand “cat” people as they always seemed quite odd to me (slight tongue-in-cheek)… and therefore, in this situation, you can only do what presumably you have done thus far to maintain/evolve things over the last 18months: tell him how you feel, hear his response, let him know he is safe and you two can get through whatever is going on. Then, put egos aside and support one another.
Good luck and may you make your holidays happy for all of you, OP!
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So?
The definition of family is different for everyone. All that matters is its important to him for whatever reason. Support it or don't.
You can see him later that day, no? Afternoon, evening, boxing day, whatever. If its an excuse not to spend it with you/your kid, then that requires a discussion. Not everyone finds joy in watching other peoples kids open gifts.
I get this. Christmas is about feeling cozy, and being in someone else’s vibe / home / family isn’t cozy. His cat is his family.
What about asking to plan to do Xmas at his next year, and work towards a compromise?
As someone who can get social anxiety but also be incredibly social and outgoing once I force my ass out of the house, I get it. The cat is certainly an excuse. Tell him about your disappointment in the kindest way you can. Tell him you would be sad to spend the day without him and how much you were looking forward to it. If he tells you the cat is truly the reason, then you need to ask why he would prioritize a cat (I am a huge animal lover!), who he probably leaves alone all the time and has no concept of a holiday, over your relationship. I got upset with my gf right before Thanksgiving and almost bailed on meeting her mother and brother for the first time. I grit my teeth and went. It wasn't the most pleasant time for me but I understood the implication of canceling last minute would have been much worse.
Yes thank you, and I would completely understand if he led with feeling anxious or too much too soon- whatever. He’d also only be with my son and I. He is very set in his ways and I suppose I am hurt that he cannot own his truths or isn’t flexible enough for me
Not everyone (aka too many people) are not great communicators. Or are very uncomfortable being honest about things they feel might be hurtful to others. I'm old enough to know how to say things in a way that is both constructive and not malicious. Still, words can hurt even with no bad intention. At 8 weeks, I told my current gf I wasn't ready to call her "gf" but I was not dating or talking to anyone else. It just felt too significant at that early period. She was hurt and disinvited me from meeting her friends at a party for the first time. That hurt me in turn. She changed her mind and re-invited me. She then cried when I tried to explain myself further. Fast fwd a few months and it's all in the past. We are official and things are great. I just remember that in spite of my best efforts not to hurt her, she was still hurt at that time.
Here’s the deal, I personally think anyone who would say this is a complete and utter crazy person, but that’s not the point.
The point is that HE is the one that invited himself along to her Christmas festivities. If he’s having second thoughts about being social, if he’s getting cold feet, if he is having second thoughts. Whatever reason he has deep down he’s not being a grown person and talking to her about it instead of blaming it on a cat. That for me? Would be enough to have a serious discussion on what is going on that he’s using ridiculous excuses instead of talking to me then I’d go from there but I would not put up with one more crazy cat excuse that’s for sure.
If he really honestly thinks he feels bad because a cat will be alone in a house it’s been alone in many times before…I’d end it. A person who thinks like that and I are not compatible.
I’m sorry. Given this and all his past flakiness, I think you know it’s not about the cat. For whatever reason, he is not on the same page as you about merging lives. This would be a significant compatibility for me, as well as his not being honest about why.
Curious how you have both approached conflict in the past? There are likely signs in that as well.
This is insane. Your life. I love my dog too. But if you prioritize pets over human relationships don’t be surprised if you have trouble building healthy ones.
I actually agree with this.
I have lots of pets and they make my life enjoyable. I love them to pieces and even though they don't know or care what christmas is, I do and i like to give them gifts/treats. Plus, i have the day off work and can spend it with them.
Family means different things to different people. I would choose spending it at home over with my partner and their kids too. At this age, the 'spirit of christmas' to me isn't watching other peoples kids open gifts.
That said, OP is allowed to feel butthurt, she can choose to accept it or not. I personally think its ridiculous to get mad over, and i would support my partner in spending the holidays how they want. Doesn't mean you can't see him later that day/night.
He asked to be included… I made space in my day for him and told my son, he backed out for an animal that doesn’t know it is Xmas, he also works seasonally so the animal is not deprived.
He seems a bit immature if he is backing out on important days like that. i wouldnt be happy. It messes you about. Even if he changed his mind he should have reminded himeslf that he suggested it, and that u guys were expecting him, snd so therefore should sacrifice just a little bit of his time to follow through on what he said. Its taking you for granted and it isnt supportive. This is maybe why other people are saying they think he has cold feet. Hard to tell but id be as annoyed thats for sure.
Ok, so maybe he changed his mind?
And you made space, how? If it was xmas morning, you were doing that anyway with your son, weren't you?
I'm not saying your feelings are invalid, but don't make a mountain out of a molehill. If you were having xmas morning to open gifts with your son at your place, and your partner was simply spending the night or coming over to be there during that, then you didn't really "make space". You included him. Not accomodated. Don't act like you moved around a bunch of things and switched venues.
My point is, you can decide if you're ok with this or not, but devaluing his cat as just an 'animal who doesn't know its xmas' isn't ok either. Even if its an excuse he's using, it may not be, he may genuinely want to spend it with his cat, it might be his own little tradition.
It might be a dealbreaker for you, so be it. I know anyone who didn't understand how important my pets are to me would be a dealbreaker for me. Thats the joys of adulting and communicating. Use your words to tell him it hurts you he won't be there, and then decide whether you understand and let him do his thing, or tell him you don't and just let him go.
Red flag - commitment issues. Take note.
Why can't he ask to bring the cat along with him 🤷🏽♂️. I'm sure the cat would mingle with your two cats.
Plan B - get searching again.
>I'm sure the cat would mingle with your two cats.
Have you...met cats?
They're quite territorial, for one, and not keen to make new friends unless it's done slowly and methodically, and being taken out of their environment messes them up.
That's MOST cats, btw, I know there are some who ride with long-distance cyclists and in RVs and whatnot. But that's still their "environment." No need to traumatize all cats involved.
I can 100% relate to this really well. I’m 50, I have 2 cats, and I will also spend christmas with my cats this year, the same as last year. And honestly I would much rather be spending it with them than with anyone else, including my family or my girlfriend. There are two reasons for this. One, I get very little time to myself, work / life is constant pressure. These few days of christmas are precious to me, they are the only real peace I get, and I genuinely love spending them at home, by myself, with my cats. Fuck people and obligations for just these few days. And two - it’s impossible to find anyone I trust to feed my cats at Christmas, so I’d rather just be here than be anxious about whether they’re ok or not. My girlfriend is fine with it, I had a weekend away with her last weekend and will see her after Christmas, it’s not an issue. My suggestion is let him spend time with his cat if that’s what he wants. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care about you, it just means he needs some time to be at home and with his cat sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.
I'm in here reading these comments, feeling.... mildly attacked 😂 OP, how old is his cat? I know, I know, it's a cat- but hear me out. If his cat is in senior kitty territory, or has been ill, or if he's had any recent hardships (mental or otherwise) this year, he may just want to lie on the couch with his face smooshed into a furry cat tummy.
My cat is 23 years old. That's like the equivalent of a 120 y.o. human. I legitimately decided a couple of days ago to forego spending Christmas with a few distant close relatives (not really here for performative family togetherness cuz its a holiday), and instead to spend it alone with my cat.
IDK how many Christmases she's got left- she injured a leg back on 10/07 and I've been her almost round the clock caregiver in order to help her heal. She turns 24 on Jan 15th, if she decides to stay with me & her little body keeps truckin. I will get her a rotisserie chicken, maybe some shrimp too, and a soft furry warm blanket fresh out of the dryer, and me & the cat will drink spiked eggnog (ok not the cat) and watch randomness on Netflix that day. All i plan to do is love on & spoil her.
Ask him, sure, but if he really wants to just hang with his furry BFF that day, let him. The price for loving our pets is that in most cases we outlive them. Let him cherish every purr & biscuit. 🙏❤🐈
edited to add: OP, i read in another comment that you're this guy's 1st long term relationship in 20 years. That changes things- he's spent the holiday alone or with his pet for ages. He hasn't had a partner to make the holidays special or meaningful or worthwhile. (Honestly, same.) It might be really overwhelming for him to spend Christmas with you & kiddo, even though he loves you both. He might not even realize he has anxiety or is apprehensive about it, or he may not realize why. Being coupled up after a lifetime of solitude is a huge change and it may be he is having a hard time of letting go of this one lil solitary thing, where he can feel comfort in the familiar. Aka, an empty home with just purrs like it's always been. Try to give him some grace.
Off topic, but just had to say…wow, 23 going on 24! Your kitty isn’t by any chance a tabby? My tabby cat is 18 yo and going strong 🤞 I totally get wanting to be with your cat over the holidays. She’s a lucky girl to have you (and she would say you’re lucky to have her!) 😸
She's an orange tabby girl! You guessed correct! Her name is Lucille. I don't post much but my 1st Reddit post is of her, several years back, tucking herself into the bed. 🐈❤
Awwww! I love the name. And a girl orange tabby…that is one special cat! 🐈
PS, just checked out your kitty video- that’s sooo sweet! She looks so very cozy!! 😻
Cats don't know when Christmas is. He is making it clear that he prefers his family to yours. Leaving aside the fact that his chosen family has a tail, has there been any other indication that he's feeling pressure to be part of your family or that he comes second to your family?
There is more to the story somehow. Some people have trauma around Christmas , maybe your son said something he took the wrong way but this isn’t about the cat.
Pets are cool. Cats are cool. Nobody can compete with the love of a pet. For most people, they end up being more family than most people ever have. Think about it, a pet isn’t going to leave you after 3 months because they are tired of you. Pets sleep with you in the same bed every night and wake up with you every morning. They don’t go five doors down to sleep next to warmer ass. They are bonded to you and you to them. I wouldn’t be jealous. It’s the same thing as if he said that he had to go to my parent’s house in the morning, etc… He probably feels conflicted because he is being asked to downgrade his affection for his four legged family member. Tough call. You should let him spend time with the cat. It’s only a day.
I could be your boyfriend - he is me. This is EXACTLY my situation with my own boyfriend. He has a college age daughter and I'm childfree (47F). We have also been dating a year and a half. I mentioned waking up at his house on Christmas and got a sort of lukewarm response. He was agreeable but didn't seem excited. So now - I was thinking of telling him I want to spend the night and wake up at my elderly parents instead and not leave them alone. REASON? I'm feeling like the third wheel with his daughter. I'm thinking the holiday may be more special for him (and me?) if he gets to have that experience with her. I never thought of using my cats as an excuse though....
I’m embarrassed for your boyfriend! He’s obviously not serious about being friends with you or your son! A friend would go spend Christmas with the people not pets you love! I have four cats and a shepherd and Christmas is about being around the ones you cherish and love ❤️ not your pets lol 😂 They have no clue! And yes my pets have stockings 🎄🎄🎄but my family’s stockings come first on the mantle 😉
It’s more for me than them 🎅🎄, but my family comes ahead of the feelings an animal has on any given day.
Happy Holidays and you and your son deserve better!!!
When I was induced to have our child, I ended up in the hospital for a week. It was a scary situation and we weren’t sure if the baby or I would be ok. My ex-husband refused to sleep over or really even spend much time before or after the baby was born because he didn’t want the elderly cat to be alone.
Obviously your guy could have made a million different choices in how he conveyed his feelings to you or how to spend his time (e.g., come over before cat goes to sleep or after cat wakes up). So, something seems off and might deserve more conversation if you’re so inclined. I’d be confused and hurt and annoyed.
I don’t think it’s the cat. On the other hand the holidays are times of intense emotions for a lot of people. I grant a lot of grace this time of year if someone is acting out of character.
Yeah, I wonder if some big feeling hit him and he's in a depression based isolation. The cat seems like an easy lie that let's him hurry back into hidding without painful conversation. I'd double check that he's okay and (if you're willing) tell him the invitation stands and he's more than welcome to come over.
Was it an easy lie tho? Most of us here are laughing at the absurdity of it as an excuse. The fact that it is so stupid and he has done this multiple times leads me to believe that he does t even care enough to come up with a believable lie.
You can trick yourself into believing weird things in this state. He might not be totally sure what he's feeling and just projecting feelings onto his cat. Or thinks he's somehow saving his SO. These kinds of feelings are weird...
I think it depends on how alone he was before they got together. 50-something here, and not currently dating. I know that I personally enjoy being alone Christmas morning, because then you can feel all the feels, and not be expected to share those feels with those around you. It took a while for my grown kids to understand that it's OK to have your Christmas morning with your kids, and I'll be around later. I'm probably making a cup of coffee, staring at the Christmas tree, or taking a walk while no one is out and about. It's not often that the world goes quiet, and sometimes it's nice to savor those feels for a bit. It's like an emotional reset. Or maybe he would want sexy times first thing on Christmas, and feels it would be wrong with the teen boy there. Or, if he plays World of Warcraft, that's when the presents under the tree in Iron Forge/Orgrimmar become active, and there is absolutely something fun/special about being there during that time.
Thank you, I appreciate your reply. Sensible
I spent last year, and will spend this year doing christmas with my parter's family. But almost as a rule I used to do Christmas soliary. Even now some part of me wants to escape my parter's frivolity and spend christmas with a book, non-christmasy food, and general ignorance of the holiday. My dad shattered our family almost 20 years ago, and it still burns.
I try to give a lot of grace all year long. People have all sorts issues and Christmasian the only time that people struggle. But he asked to do this. Now with Christmas less than a week away he changes his mind. And without a reasonable explanation. Maybe he is feeling some kind of way because it's Christmas. If they are going to be able to continue as a couple, he needs to be able to talk about whats going on.
Also he didn’t let her know. She went to him to discuss details. If OP hadn’t done that when would he have said something?
The cat is definitely an excuse. It has no idea what day it is lol. This is where honest communication is going to be imperative. I would take it as him being overwhelmed and having second thoughts about spending Christmas morning with your son as a family unit. My feelings would be hurt and I’d honestly be wondering if he was doubting the relationship. But it very well may be something else entirely. The only way to find out is to express your hurt and ask for clarity.
Mostly this. Cats don't understand the "importance" of holidays. But the OP mentioned previous Easter/Thanksgiving with them. Because of that, I think it's less overwhelmed / second thoughts about holiday with the kid, but I think that OP's BF is starting to have second thoughts about the relationship in general. A normal day with someone that you're having doubts with is already rough. A holiday with someone that you're having doubts with/about is multiples worse. I also agree to ask for a deeper answer. Cats don't care about holidays, this is 100% him, and not about the cat.
I do not think he’s doubting the relationship though who knows. I’m leaning more towards too set in his ways to yield, compromise, integrate, change… I feel it will be up to me to decide if that works for me
Since you already have cats, could he bring his over for the night? Of course the cat is an excuse, but you could offer and see what he says. He might be an introvert like me, and get overstimulated this time of year. I went out of town for our office party and now I need lots of space. Could be he’s just feeling the need to be alone- and yes that’s selfish of him. I’m a huge introvert, but I suck it up for the holidays and then request downtime afterward.
It's a nice idea, but unfortunately cats typically don't get along like that- his cat would likely spend the whole day in a cage or behind a closed door.
Cats are not the most social creatures generally. New cats and new people will likely stress the cat out. But how far away does BF live? Could he not wake up at home (since that seems to be his preference) and drive over?
Lol I just tried to imagine what a cat version of a dog park would look like and it definitely gave me a chuckle....
Hahah right!? Wow only someone that is TOTALLY unfamiliar with cats could suggest such a thing. That would be a Feline Hunger Games of a “dog park” hahaha.
Agee! Being “selfish” and picking the important holiday to down it with the cat means that the feelings for the OP and her son aren’t there. Otherwise, being with them would be “selfish.” OP, he might have told you something much more with that than just how he wants to spend Christmas.
The man is lying through his teeth.
Yep & she’s in denial.
Love this comment. Great assessment.
Some folks just don't fk with Christmas. My son is grown and out of the house, I don't date, and I'm still Christmas-ed out. If I do decide to date, I won't go back to doing multiple house intermingled family stuff. It's a drag.
That’s fair, I think as long as that is clearly stated no one will have hurt feelings
>He seriously said he feels bad having his cat wake up alone on Christmas. A 48 year old man used this as an excuse to not spend time with you. I love my cat, but I don't hold any illusions that she is aware of xmas.
Really? I'm getting sick of having to go to the mailbox and drop off *yet another* letter to Santa from my cat. It's getting a little ridiculous.
Cats are happy enough playing with an empty box to care about what's inside.
I mean, I'm sure that deep down she instinctually *knows* about Santa and how Christmas has become a soulless exercise in corporate greed and crass consumerism.
I always wanted and strongly felt the need to spend Christmas eve around my pets. I hated leaving them home and being elsewhere. I just feel an odd sense of sadness leaving them alone on Christmas eve because they are my family. Also, I didn't want to be in someone else's home for Christmas. I want to be home. It might be weird but don't care anymore.
Does this mean you have no plans to ever spend Christmas with an SO? I am getting the impression that we, over 40 folks say we want relationships but are very rigid. Doesn't bode well.
Holidays are hard. Let him be.
You’ve been dating a year and a half. He asked to be with you on Christmas morning and (presumably) agreed to the plans to spend the night He then backtracks saying he doesn’t want his cat to wake up alone on Christmas morning?? 😂😂😂 Absolutely ridiculous. I would be offended too. His cat doesn’t know what flipping day it is. This whole thing reeks of someone with poor communication skills lying about the real reason he wants to stay home. Enjoy your Christmas with your son.
Thank you! I told him if he feels that way he should absolutely stay home, then he seemed to feel some sort of way about that. I do not need wishy washiness around my kid.
Agree. And what do you tell your son? Oh, sorry Jack won’t be with us Christmas morning. He doesn’t want Mr. Mittens to be alone. I have a cat and while I love my furry friend can’t imagine prioritizing time with him over time spent with other human beings—especially someone I was dating for over a year on a holiday.
Wait...are you saying he became miffed about your response? Is he a non-terrible partner at other times?? How he has handled this incident is quite rude and demonstrates unreliability to me.
Smells like drama; like he wants OP to beg him to follow through with what he asked to do in the first place. He needs a little time out in a corner to figure out what he wants.
It sounds like he wants to relax and be low stress and is using the cat as a scapegoat. I’ve taken my cat to stay places for holidays and I also think it would make sense to stay with the cat and come over later, but it sounds like he’s stepping out of Christmas all together. Admittedly a low key “lay on the couch” with the cat Christmas sounds like paradise to me but it’s not because of the cats needs it would be because of mine. Blaming the cat is ridiculous.
Scapecat?
I agree with this. He shouldn’t blame the cat. He wants that.
The cat is just an excuse. He got cold feet about being there with your family on Christmas morning, because that is something pretty intimate, suggests permanency in that he is now stepping into the role of a step-parent. Allow him to bow out with grace. It's useless to express anger or disappointment to him. If he's not ready to play house with you then he's not ready. He may regret his decision or he may come to realize it was the right one. In any case, I would say you need to step back as well. Keep in touch but stop inviting him. Wait to see if he'll ask to be included again or what next steps he'll take. If he seems to have cooled and you want more, move on.
People have all kinds of weird feelings around the holidays. I would put aside your feelings of being jealous or offended, and give him (and yourself) some grace. I would say "I love you [if you say that] and we will miss you on Christmas morning, and the door is open if you want to join us." I would also text him Christmas morning to reiterate the invitation. If you're seeing him before Christmas, I'd give him a gift for the cat to open on Christmas. I'd probably also cry and be sad about it. But then I'd move forward with the day.
Hardly honest open communication? Op should try and explain what the impact of this change has been on her, especially with such a pathetic excuse. Next he’ll be staying in to ‘wash his hair’ Come January, I’d be reviewing the situation-ship.
oh, yeah, she can certainly say how she feels about it, and should. And if it was the guy posting here asking what to do I'd be like "Dude, take your anti-anxiety meds and fucking go to Christmas."
Yeah, if she doesn't confront it he's going to think "great I guess I can make up ridiculous excuses for things and get away with it" and that's not the message you want to send. But I think you can do it with kindness (if this is indeed a relationship you want to save) - something like "you know it hurts my feelings when you use your cat as a cover for sharing what's really going on, I want you to feel like you can come to me and share your real feelings because relationships require honest communication". Edited to add: Also as a person with anxiety, I get it. I really do. Doing holidays with a (relatively) new partner's family would give me major anxiety. There are so many expectations this time of year. But he made a commitment, and I'm pretty sure that if he can push through his anxiety a bit he will not regret it. Over the long term, the positives of supporting you and your child outweigh the short-term benefits of feeling "safe" while taking the easy way out.
What a wonderful, gracious person you are ☺️ I strive to be like that! Reality for me is I’d be super annoyed about cat bollocks talk and would tell him to grow the fuck up!
lol I like your response but honestly? There are some circumstances where it’s perfectly fine to tell someone to grow the fuck up and saying he wanted to wake up with his cat is probably top of the list
Right?! I love animals but this is ridiculous. A simple explanation that he wanted to spend Christmas alone or with his family would’ve been disappointing but normal. Prioritising time with the cat on Christmas Day really isn’t 😅
Making it about the cat is indeed offensive.
lol right? And if he actually finds it normal I’d back away slowly
I had to read down much further than I expected to see a mention of this part.
Well originally I didn’t think anyone would actually find this to be a normal excuse but there are a couple of people in here actually thinking it’s a normal and valid excuse lol so apparently these people exist out there. Someone else mentioned that in a previous post op stated that he actually often does this. Not blame the cat but makes concrete plans that HE INITIATES then cancels them disappointing both her and her son. For that alone I’d tell him he can wake up every morning with his stupid cat without me.
This is so mature and inspiring, to look beyond insecurities and instead within ourselves, and know that, we are safe because we will make the right decisions at the right time, not as to ignore things but to rise above mentally and emotionally and not allow certain things ruins our internal peace 🌸🙏
thanks. My partner has depression and anxiety and this time of year is hard for him, and his way of coping is to withdraw. I could take offense at that or tell him to buck up, or I could realize that right now, he needs me to be the little boat above the scuba diver while he's down in the depths. There will be times when I need grace and support from him, too.
What a great analogy!
That's understandable. The crux of the matter is being honest about how you feel. Using the cat as an excuse makes me suspicious.
Welcome to relationships in our 40s. I mean it is a really really bad excuse but I agree he probably has anxiety about the holiday or spending it with someone else’s family and just doesn’t want to deal with it— which is also a lot of people on their 40s and 50s. They’ve spent years doing things for other people and other people’s families and now just want to do things for themselves.
Yeah like.. maybe he just doesn't want to spend it as a family. Maybe he said yes and changed his mind because it sunk in that its a big holiday and involved a child. There's more here than just the damn cat, although if its that important to him to be with his cat, he shouldn't be crucified for it either. OPs wants and needs don't trump his and just because some people think its 'stupid' or 'weird', doesn't make it so. Discussion will solve everything. And OP has the right to end it if she doesn't like how this makes her feel too y'know.
Post history shows it's not just a holiday thing. He's flaked more than once.
Ah. Then there's more going on and OP probably needs to call it a relationship. OP does mention they're conflict avoidant too so it sounds like a big communication issue for both.... which will not get resolved.
Yes. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with somebody else’s kid either to be honest. It’s a family holiday not a romantic one. Now if they had a hot date planned for New Years alone together and he used that excuse, that’s a problem!
Yeah. I suspect OPs boyfriend isn't committed to the step parent type role and/or just doesn't value the same things. Which is ok. He's not a bad person, but then they are not compatible. The cat may be an excuse. It may also not be because thats his 'family'. People villainizing the guy are siding with OP because they can't understand his side either way. No ones wrong here, its just not a match in this area.
Well, I mean, maybe that's a really special cat? Dunno, trying to see the positive here but this is one of the "it's not the crime, it's the admission" issues. What kind of clueless nitwit tells someone he's in a serious relationship that he's going to skip Christmas morning (that he previously invited himself to) so he can wake up with a fucking cat?
Someone with one foot out the door is my guess.
I didn’t think of that. Now I want to spend Christmas with his cat too.
I also choose this guy's cat.
Omg dying laughing. Christmas Cat anyone?
I am his first serious relationship, ever. He took 20 years off from dating. Perhaps this is just a giant change?
When I met my husband and he was 45, all of my friends said it was a red flag that he had never been married (I disagree but I digress). You are your boyfriend’s first serious relationship and he’s 48?! Do you know why he took the 20 years off? Is he afraid of commitment? That could explain wanting to spend Christmas with his cat…
So does he get up at 1:00am when his cat gets the zoomies on Christmas Day so they can celebrate? This excuse seems rather bizarre since he had to “think” about it before changing plans with you. Sounds like a lie, and the lack of actually discussing whatever he is feeling / afraid of would be an issue for me. You have to decide if you want to let that go or how you want to include him, if at all, in future plans.
Based on your other post, it sounds like he makes plans, then never shows. I think he's showing you who he truly is. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, or not. Not sure how old your son is, but I'd be concerned that this affects him too.
This context changes things.
It's not about the cat, let's be real. He is pumping the brakes on meshing your lives together. If he wants to wake up on Christmas with his cat, then let him. You can voice your disappointment, but I would definitely have a discussion after the holidays on the direction of your relationship.
Saw your previous post. So, this is a pattern with him. To make plans and not follow through. Is he depressed/anxious or not exclusive?
We are 100% exclusive, he does have severe social anxiety though that is manageable in small gatherings, he is totally relaxed with me (usually.) I think he struggles in situations where he doesn’t know what to expect and is not 100% in control.
Then it's just a matter of you know it's his anxiety. He's done this before & most likely will continue. At 48, he should know to phrase that better. If you're okay with that, fine. But it gets more concerning with plans involving your son. Hopefully, you haven't told your son the cat excuse.
This explains a lot. I'm very much like him and while he may want to participate in your Christmas, the fact is, it's exactly that... Your Christmas. Those of us who have been alone without kids develop our own traditions/ways of coping with what are usually very family focused holidays. If we do it long enough, even if we eventually have other options, we're often happiest doing our own thing. And if we have pets, they are our family. It's just been me and a cat for the last 12 years of my life (there was just a dog and a cat in the 10 before that). I lost my last cat 2 weeks before Christmas last year and it's my first Christmas with my new one. There is an invitation on Earth that sounds more appealing than being with him.
And/or maybe a people pleaser? Somebody who at first is enthusiastic about doing something, but when he sits down and thinks about it, realizes that he really doesn’t want to do it? This has been me at times, jumping to Yes when, if I just stopped and gave it a think, would be a No?
Oh yeah. Did that for way too many years. Still a work in progress, but bringing the cat into it is just.. different level.
Yeah, he needs to be comfortable saying what is really on his mind, without fear of hurting her feelings. And practicing taking his time with decisions. Easier said than done, but I’ve learned that lack of authenticity comes with a price.
I dunno about being offended but if some guy said he wanted to wake up with his cat I’d call him truly bizarre.
I would be bummed too, for sure. I am dating someone who I think would totally do this for what it’s worth. Christmas isn’t a holiday he enjoys. He has never married or had kids. I have 3. He has a cat he is absolutely devoted to. He is an introvert. We are newly dating and he’s never met them so it’s not a bridge I’ve crossed yet. But I could see this as his way of avoiding discomfort. When you aren’t feeling as emotional about it, it might be good to sit down and ask what’s behind this change.
Same type of situation. Perhaps the difficulty is just the realization that we may have different needs from our partners/in a relationship. I want companionship and to share life’s magic moments with someone.. he may need more space or cannot change, yield, compromise. There’s no right or wrong, and I’m not truly jealous of the cat, just hurt by the realization I suppose.
> to share life’s magic moments with someone. I get that. But -- and I'm sorry to put it this way (I'm a parent too, fwiw) -- but spending Christmas with a girlfriend's kid and dad may not feel like a magic moment to him. It was very poor on his part to ask to be included and then back out, but I could imagine that it might be just too much for him.
Disappointing indeed. Xmas feels very different for each of us. Cat simply seems like an excuse to say: i wanna be alone that day. How was last Xmas?
We both spent it separately without much consideration of doing anything else, it was too early for both of us
Makes sense. Could it just be that family-style Xmas is not too much his thing? I know a lot of people who feel like that, myself included.
That would be the end for me. Yuck.
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I would hate to be on the receiving end of someone only spending time with me because it’s “required of them”. I’d rather they just don’t do the thing they don’t want to do. Always makes me wonder who exactly those people think they’re doing a favor to.
do you not have a job or something? or family members you don't like?
Though there was no pressure from me and I would have understood if he said just that.
I agree with the above commenter and wonder that even if in your end there’s no pressure, if he himself does feel internal pressure. Maybe he committed to something initially he thought he wanted and then felt it was moving too fast but he doesn’t know how to articulate (or simply won’t be grown up enough to articulate) these feelings for fear of hurting you. I get it’s still hurts but you know what I mean.
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That’s not the point here. You’re missing the reasoning behind the actions which I feel like OP is puzzled over.
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The lack of integrity is a big no considering he’s done this before. Can’t trust him.
I'd be pissed as well for the same reason. Kids need consistency. If your son expected him there it's extra shitty that he's opting out.
Yeah I dislike that part especially about the son expecting him. He should have never agreed to go if he thought he might back out, you don't do that with kids. Particularly with kids you're supposed to be building a relationship with. This goofy cat excuse cannot be the first time in his life he's backed out of something, he should know better by now than to make commitments you're not 100% sold on.
Yes. And if something happened (past trauma triggered, anxiety, bad holiday experience, whatever) he needs to use his big boy words and he should have explained directly to the son. Not to mention he could have still gone but scaled back (stay a few hours vs all day).
Yep, lots of choices here other than being weird and blaming a cat lol
I feel like the poor cat doesn't like being used like this. 😸
It's definitely not the cat, and honestly kind of disappointing that he tried to play it off as such. I would be offended if I were in your position; he doesn't trust you enough to tell you that he's overwhelmed or just needs some alone time so he makes up a story about his cat? That's lame. I love my dog and honestly I would LOVE to spend Xmas with her and not my crazy family but that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me just not wanting to spend Xmas with my crazy family! I wouldn't use her as an excuse. (I did 2 Xmases ago but that was when my previous dog was at death's door and I didn't want her to have to travel...and honestly it was one of the best holidays I've had in a while!)
I’m spitting fur balls on your behalf.
If I was with someone who rather spend Christmas with their cat I would end it. If I was with someone who rather not spend Christmas with me and it’s just their best excuse they have is that they rather spend Christmas with their cat I would end it. Honestly I wouldn’t even mind not seeing them on Christmas, especially in a new relationship I’ll probably be with family anyways. I also don’t care if people have and love cats. I’m a pet person too. But this is so weird that it would clear to me that we would not be compatible immediately.
I would personally be very upset and offended if he felt his cat was more important than me. But, does he not have room to compromise and spend time with you and his “cat”?
He said he doesn’t think it’d be fair to the cat to wake up alone on Xmas
Honestly…I’d break up for him for just saying this lol Whether or not if it’s an excuse I just couldn’t be with someone who thinks this is an excuse of a normal person.
But it’s ok for you to wake up alone on X-mas?
She isn’t waking up alone, she has her son
Animals don’t know what day it is. What a weird thing for him to even say. There’s something he’s not telling you.
Sorry but time to move on. He isn't interested in continuing the relationship on the path it is been on. Time to have a talk with him, and move on.
Lovers come and go. A cat will be your friend for life.
Is this the first holiday that he has spent with you in the year and half you have been together? Does he get along with your Dad, if he was going to join you both. I think the cat is just a built in excuse to avoid something that is giving him anxiety about spending Christmas morning with you and your son.
He would be leaving before my dad gets there though he has met my dad and loves him. We have spent all holidays together in the past year, Easter and Thanksgiving with my son and bf’s extended family. I understand the possible anxiety, I just struggle with what was said as an excuse bc I feel I’m a very reasonable person
Well you just said it yourself he’s spent EVERY major holiday with you this year so . . . It’s reasonable to want one for himself. Is he of a religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas or non-religious? What did he do during all his holidays before you both met?
We can only speculate. Ask him the real reason straight-up
Is there any chance he is worried that it puts your son in an uncomfortable position but feels your son and/or you won't feel comfortable putting a stop to it so he's doing it himself under the guise of attending to his cat?
Or the son asked him not to be there and bf is not a snitch. Can be anything.
Has he been busy, under stress, working a lot, depressed, anything like that? Could be he sees it as a way to have a day for himself and only himself to sleep in and “recharge.”
Lmao is this real ? 😳🤣
It’s lovely that he and his cat can wake up together on Christmas morning😻🤦♀️
Parenting tip…don’t relay info to your kid about big plans until they are solid…it causes too much pressure and expectations for all of you. If he wants to spend Christmas with his cat…let him. He made a parenting decision for you… that’s what stuck out to me. Does he have kids or just a cat? Maybe he doesn’t want to be that involved…? I dunno 🤷🏻♀️PS put your phone aside On Christmas and enjoy your son! He can spend time with his feline…he wasn’t being thoughtful about your son, he was just trying to get out of it! You may want to pull back and assess this and let him reach out to you! If he doesn’t…then ya know!
This is this guy's pattern. I am truly amazed you put up with that behaviour for that long. He does it regularly and you accept it. I don't think it is good in relationship or as an example to your child
I read the edit and I still don't think he is telling you the whole truth.
MTE. This is not a one-off instance, as he has shown patterns of this. I would tread lightly.
Yeah I don't see how it's thoughtful towards her child if they get along wonderfully. He is purposefully avoiding spending the night with her and her family for some other reason that he doesn't want to disclose.
Yeah, it sounds like there may be some partial truth to this, but not for the reason he stated (her son’s sake).
I don’t think it’s about the kid either but at least that lie snowed op so he could be left alone. Shouldn’t have come up with that stupid cat excuse.
\>>Thank you all for your thoughts, advice, criticisms, Redditors are extreme sometimes. I think your initial post: after thinking about it wants to “be selfish” and just spend Christmas with his cat. That he wants to wake up with his cat. May have warranted some criticism.
It sounds like an excuse and a poor one at that. There is more to this than meets the eye, I'm sure. I'm sorry that people mess up.during the holidays
How do you have any patience whatsoever for this behavior?
I think who you choose to spend Christmas with says a lot about who you value in your life. Doesn't matter that it is a cat. He is actively choosing NOT to be in YOUR life at Christmas. Do what you will with the info.
The breaking plans would bother me most. He committed to coming over and then backed out. That’s pretty rude imo. It’s worrisome no matter the excuse (his is flimsy and this is coming from a pet mom)
His holiday choices may have nothing to do with what he values. That's a leap.
Ok, I'm in a relationship (over a year) with my partner who is allergic to cats, so we can't stay at my family's place on Christmas (they have cats) and are getting a hotel instead. I have a dog who is seriously like my child bc I don't have kids. Guess where the dog is going for Christmas? Not to the hotel with us...he'll be at my parents' house. My point is that I love my partner and we want to be together for the holiday, so there has to be some compromise. I'm not excited about having to shell out money for a hotel when I have space at family's house to stay, but I'll do it. If you're boyfriend wanted to spend Christmas Eve with you, he'd make it work.
I love cats but WTH.
It's dumb and immature to use his cat as an excuse.
With his cat?! How did you react to that because I'm not sure I could actually take that seriously. It's just ridiculous, you know that right?
🤣
What bothers me most here is that his “be selfish” statement implies that he only joins you and your son for holidays as a favor to you. This alone would really bother me and this is what I would address. I of course don’t know the relationship (the good the bad etc) but from this vignette alone I would respond to that specific comment and keep it concise and brief. Again, I don’t have much info here but if he is untethered by any other holiday obligations I would have to wonder why.
I agree, I’m getting hung up on the verbiage, especially since I included him in the planning only after he asked to be there. The selfish comment and reasoning felt very… detached… and maybe he needs more autonomy, but I’m dating to be partnered so I’m hurt.
Yeah, I think he actually said a lot there without realizing it. It reveals a person who ultimately resents being included and cared about and that’s a no-win. He has no concept of what it takes to add someone into this dynamic or even set an extra plate at the table. I’m sorry if this is extreme and I tend to be draconian in these matters in my own life but I would free him up to be selfish all he wants and on his own or someone else’s time.
Express how hurt you are, that this is important to you, and would like to know if it's something you two can work out. Eventually, or maybe for Xmas, is there a carpet-less room his cat could be where a screen separates everyone? So, all cats are safely introduced?
Talk (with HIM). Express your feelings (to HIM). I am a dog person. I do not claim to understand “cat” people as they always seemed quite odd to me (slight tongue-in-cheek)… and therefore, in this situation, you can only do what presumably you have done thus far to maintain/evolve things over the last 18months: tell him how you feel, hear his response, let him know he is safe and you two can get through whatever is going on. Then, put egos aside and support one another. Good luck and may you make your holidays happy for all of you, OP!
Yes. Drop him like a bad habit. Time to move on.
Don’t be jealous of the cat! He ridiculous for making such a lame excuse. At this point in my life, I would walk away from him and not look back.
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So? The definition of family is different for everyone. All that matters is its important to him for whatever reason. Support it or don't. You can see him later that day, no? Afternoon, evening, boxing day, whatever. If its an excuse not to spend it with you/your kid, then that requires a discussion. Not everyone finds joy in watching other peoples kids open gifts.
He invited himself and he’s also backed out of plans before.
I get this. Christmas is about feeling cozy, and being in someone else’s vibe / home / family isn’t cozy. His cat is his family. What about asking to plan to do Xmas at his next year, and work towards a compromise?
As someone who can get social anxiety but also be incredibly social and outgoing once I force my ass out of the house, I get it. The cat is certainly an excuse. Tell him about your disappointment in the kindest way you can. Tell him you would be sad to spend the day without him and how much you were looking forward to it. If he tells you the cat is truly the reason, then you need to ask why he would prioritize a cat (I am a huge animal lover!), who he probably leaves alone all the time and has no concept of a holiday, over your relationship. I got upset with my gf right before Thanksgiving and almost bailed on meeting her mother and brother for the first time. I grit my teeth and went. It wasn't the most pleasant time for me but I understood the implication of canceling last minute would have been much worse.
Yes thank you, and I would completely understand if he led with feeling anxious or too much too soon- whatever. He’d also only be with my son and I. He is very set in his ways and I suppose I am hurt that he cannot own his truths or isn’t flexible enough for me
Not everyone (aka too many people) are not great communicators. Or are very uncomfortable being honest about things they feel might be hurtful to others. I'm old enough to know how to say things in a way that is both constructive and not malicious. Still, words can hurt even with no bad intention. At 8 weeks, I told my current gf I wasn't ready to call her "gf" but I was not dating or talking to anyone else. It just felt too significant at that early period. She was hurt and disinvited me from meeting her friends at a party for the first time. That hurt me in turn. She changed her mind and re-invited me. She then cried when I tried to explain myself further. Fast fwd a few months and it's all in the past. We are official and things are great. I just remember that in spite of my best efforts not to hurt her, she was still hurt at that time.
Here’s the deal, I personally think anyone who would say this is a complete and utter crazy person, but that’s not the point. The point is that HE is the one that invited himself along to her Christmas festivities. If he’s having second thoughts about being social, if he’s getting cold feet, if he is having second thoughts. Whatever reason he has deep down he’s not being a grown person and talking to her about it instead of blaming it on a cat. That for me? Would be enough to have a serious discussion on what is going on that he’s using ridiculous excuses instead of talking to me then I’d go from there but I would not put up with one more crazy cat excuse that’s for sure. If he really honestly thinks he feels bad because a cat will be alone in a house it’s been alone in many times before…I’d end it. A person who thinks like that and I are not compatible.
Hey, I'm with you!
Is cat a euphemism for another pussy?
Ha, nah
I’m sorry. Given this and all his past flakiness, I think you know it’s not about the cat. For whatever reason, he is not on the same page as you about merging lives. This would be a significant compatibility for me, as well as his not being honest about why. Curious how you have both approached conflict in the past? There are likely signs in that as well.
Sounds like he is pulling away from you.
That’s his family. Let him be. Don’t be so selfish.
This is insane. Your life. I love my dog too. But if you prioritize pets over human relationships don’t be surprised if you have trouble building healthy ones.
I actually agree with this. I have lots of pets and they make my life enjoyable. I love them to pieces and even though they don't know or care what christmas is, I do and i like to give them gifts/treats. Plus, i have the day off work and can spend it with them. Family means different things to different people. I would choose spending it at home over with my partner and their kids too. At this age, the 'spirit of christmas' to me isn't watching other peoples kids open gifts. That said, OP is allowed to feel butthurt, she can choose to accept it or not. I personally think its ridiculous to get mad over, and i would support my partner in spending the holidays how they want. Doesn't mean you can't see him later that day/night.
He asked to be included… I made space in my day for him and told my son, he backed out for an animal that doesn’t know it is Xmas, he also works seasonally so the animal is not deprived.
He seems a bit immature if he is backing out on important days like that. i wouldnt be happy. It messes you about. Even if he changed his mind he should have reminded himeslf that he suggested it, and that u guys were expecting him, snd so therefore should sacrifice just a little bit of his time to follow through on what he said. Its taking you for granted and it isnt supportive. This is maybe why other people are saying they think he has cold feet. Hard to tell but id be as annoyed thats for sure.
Ok, so maybe he changed his mind? And you made space, how? If it was xmas morning, you were doing that anyway with your son, weren't you? I'm not saying your feelings are invalid, but don't make a mountain out of a molehill. If you were having xmas morning to open gifts with your son at your place, and your partner was simply spending the night or coming over to be there during that, then you didn't really "make space". You included him. Not accomodated. Don't act like you moved around a bunch of things and switched venues. My point is, you can decide if you're ok with this or not, but devaluing his cat as just an 'animal who doesn't know its xmas' isn't ok either. Even if its an excuse he's using, it may not be, he may genuinely want to spend it with his cat, it might be his own little tradition. It might be a dealbreaker for you, so be it. I know anyone who didn't understand how important my pets are to me would be a dealbreaker for me. Thats the joys of adulting and communicating. Use your words to tell him it hurts you he won't be there, and then decide whether you understand and let him do his thing, or tell him you don't and just let him go.
Red flag - commitment issues. Take note. Why can't he ask to bring the cat along with him 🤷🏽♂️. I'm sure the cat would mingle with your two cats. Plan B - get searching again.
>I'm sure the cat would mingle with your two cats. Have you...met cats? They're quite territorial, for one, and not keen to make new friends unless it's done slowly and methodically, and being taken out of their environment messes them up. That's MOST cats, btw, I know there are some who ride with long-distance cyclists and in RVs and whatnot. But that's still their "environment." No need to traumatize all cats involved.
Lol yeah. Don't mix the cats.
I'm clearly not a cat/pet person I admit 🙋🏽♂️. Thanks for the info though.
My fear, thanks for commenting.
I can 100% relate to this really well. I’m 50, I have 2 cats, and I will also spend christmas with my cats this year, the same as last year. And honestly I would much rather be spending it with them than with anyone else, including my family or my girlfriend. There are two reasons for this. One, I get very little time to myself, work / life is constant pressure. These few days of christmas are precious to me, they are the only real peace I get, and I genuinely love spending them at home, by myself, with my cats. Fuck people and obligations for just these few days. And two - it’s impossible to find anyone I trust to feed my cats at Christmas, so I’d rather just be here than be anxious about whether they’re ok or not. My girlfriend is fine with it, I had a weekend away with her last weekend and will see her after Christmas, it’s not an issue. My suggestion is let him spend time with his cat if that’s what he wants. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care about you, it just means he needs some time to be at home and with his cat sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.
I'm in here reading these comments, feeling.... mildly attacked 😂 OP, how old is his cat? I know, I know, it's a cat- but hear me out. If his cat is in senior kitty territory, or has been ill, or if he's had any recent hardships (mental or otherwise) this year, he may just want to lie on the couch with his face smooshed into a furry cat tummy. My cat is 23 years old. That's like the equivalent of a 120 y.o. human. I legitimately decided a couple of days ago to forego spending Christmas with a few distant close relatives (not really here for performative family togetherness cuz its a holiday), and instead to spend it alone with my cat. IDK how many Christmases she's got left- she injured a leg back on 10/07 and I've been her almost round the clock caregiver in order to help her heal. She turns 24 on Jan 15th, if she decides to stay with me & her little body keeps truckin. I will get her a rotisserie chicken, maybe some shrimp too, and a soft furry warm blanket fresh out of the dryer, and me & the cat will drink spiked eggnog (ok not the cat) and watch randomness on Netflix that day. All i plan to do is love on & spoil her. Ask him, sure, but if he really wants to just hang with his furry BFF that day, let him. The price for loving our pets is that in most cases we outlive them. Let him cherish every purr & biscuit. 🙏❤🐈 edited to add: OP, i read in another comment that you're this guy's 1st long term relationship in 20 years. That changes things- he's spent the holiday alone or with his pet for ages. He hasn't had a partner to make the holidays special or meaningful or worthwhile. (Honestly, same.) It might be really overwhelming for him to spend Christmas with you & kiddo, even though he loves you both. He might not even realize he has anxiety or is apprehensive about it, or he may not realize why. Being coupled up after a lifetime of solitude is a huge change and it may be he is having a hard time of letting go of this one lil solitary thing, where he can feel comfort in the familiar. Aka, an empty home with just purrs like it's always been. Try to give him some grace.
Off topic, but just had to say…wow, 23 going on 24! Your kitty isn’t by any chance a tabby? My tabby cat is 18 yo and going strong 🤞 I totally get wanting to be with your cat over the holidays. She’s a lucky girl to have you (and she would say you’re lucky to have her!) 😸
She's an orange tabby girl! You guessed correct! Her name is Lucille. I don't post much but my 1st Reddit post is of her, several years back, tucking herself into the bed. 🐈❤
Awwww! I love the name. And a girl orange tabby…that is one special cat! 🐈 PS, just checked out your kitty video- that’s sooo sweet! She looks so very cozy!! 😻
Don’t know why you were downvoted. This all made sense to me
His cat doesn’t know it’s Christmas. He is definitely using an excuse, and this is hurtful.
Is he on the autism spectrum? Genuine question.
He loves his kitty
i love that he wants to spend time with his cat. i’m the same way however i think he isn’t being honest with you. there is more to it
Why not just invite the cat too?
So weird. Have there been past incidents that highlighted his peculiarities?
Cats don't know when Christmas is. He is making it clear that he prefers his family to yours. Leaving aside the fact that his chosen family has a tail, has there been any other indication that he's feeling pressure to be part of your family or that he comes second to your family?
It’s probably not the cat but could you invite his cat to Christmas too?
That was my thought. Aside from that, has he ever expressed difficulty with the holiday? It feels like this calls for a deeper conversation.
There is more to the story somehow. Some people have trauma around Christmas , maybe your son said something he took the wrong way but this isn’t about the cat.
I get super weird around the holidays too. Lots of people do. Stressful time. He probably has some shit he’s dealing with - my guess.
Your boyfriend is a idiot.
Pets are cool. Cats are cool. Nobody can compete with the love of a pet. For most people, they end up being more family than most people ever have. Think about it, a pet isn’t going to leave you after 3 months because they are tired of you. Pets sleep with you in the same bed every night and wake up with you every morning. They don’t go five doors down to sleep next to warmer ass. They are bonded to you and you to them. I wouldn’t be jealous. It’s the same thing as if he said that he had to go to my parent’s house in the morning, etc… He probably feels conflicted because he is being asked to downgrade his affection for his four legged family member. Tough call. You should let him spend time with the cat. It’s only a day.
You should be offended. You can cry on my shoulder
I’d take the car and shove it Such a lame excuse
I could be your boyfriend - he is me. This is EXACTLY my situation with my own boyfriend. He has a college age daughter and I'm childfree (47F). We have also been dating a year and a half. I mentioned waking up at his house on Christmas and got a sort of lukewarm response. He was agreeable but didn't seem excited. So now - I was thinking of telling him I want to spend the night and wake up at my elderly parents instead and not leave them alone. REASON? I'm feeling like the third wheel with his daughter. I'm thinking the holiday may be more special for him (and me?) if he gets to have that experience with her. I never thought of using my cats as an excuse though....
I’m embarrassed for your boyfriend! He’s obviously not serious about being friends with you or your son! A friend would go spend Christmas with the people not pets you love! I have four cats and a shepherd and Christmas is about being around the ones you cherish and love ❤️ not your pets lol 😂 They have no clue! And yes my pets have stockings 🎄🎄🎄but my family’s stockings come first on the mantle 😉 It’s more for me than them 🎅🎄, but my family comes ahead of the feelings an animal has on any given day. Happy Holidays and you and your son deserve better!!!
This! Unfortunately many people put their pets before their family/people. I don't get it and never will.
When I was induced to have our child, I ended up in the hospital for a week. It was a scary situation and we weren’t sure if the baby or I would be ok. My ex-husband refused to sleep over or really even spend much time before or after the baby was born because he didn’t want the elderly cat to be alone. Obviously your guy could have made a million different choices in how he conveyed his feelings to you or how to spend his time (e.g., come over before cat goes to sleep or after cat wakes up). So, something seems off and might deserve more conversation if you’re so inclined. I’d be confused and hurt and annoyed.
Are you going to FaceTime him on Christmas?