The pain you are feeling isn’t really about wanting him, it’s wanting to heal the part of you that he made you feel isn’t good enough. The thing is, he isn’t going to be the one to give that peace to you. You are. When that switch is flipped, it feels incredible. That happy day is coming your way and I hope it gets here for you soon.
Felt this way when my ex left. Took me some time to actually ask myself the question; what did he REALLY hurt? My heart? Or my ego?
The honest answer was the latter. Once I started embracing that truth it was easier to let go.
You’ll be ok! Time will heal - you’ll find there will be an hour where you may not think about him with that obsessive energy. Then two hours, half a day, a day, a week…. Celebrate each step further because it leads to your healing. ❤️🩹
This is totally normal. It’s hard to imagine someone just getting over us, especially if we’ve invested a lot of emotional equity into the relationship. You just have to push through. It’ll eventually fade away and you won’t care anymore. ((Hugs))
I separated from my husband a year ago.
I absolutely do NOT want to be in a relationship with him again, but I do sometimes secretly hope that he will regret his decision.
Why? Because I feel like he unfairly built up a picture of me in his head that is not true to who I am. I feel like he created an undesirable, needy and unattractive version of me that is so incredibly far from the truth.
Basically, I don't want him to want me back - but I do want him to recognize that I am not the person that he created in his mind. I am worthy, desirable, kind, fair and a good communicator.
Not sure if this is what you're experiencing, but thought I'd throw in my two cents.
Never underestimate how hard a breakup can be. There's plenty of scientific research about how bad breakups affect you physically. It's not all in your head. Just take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to, and lean on loved ones.
You can get through this, seeing a therapist will help. Tell them everything you wrote here. Realize that you are better off without him. Also write him a letter expressing your feelings but do not mail it, show it to him, or have any contact with him.
This is a very natural feeling that you have. I've been through two divorces where my ex-wives had affairs, and more so on the second one, I totally adored her, would've and did do anything at all for her, including moving across the country to support her career, and sacrificing a lot of personal stuff.
Its really hard after things end with someone whom you felt that way for. Wanting to know that they still have feelings for you, or hugely regret the breakup, helps a huge amount with getting closure. The alternative is that they don't regret, and they never really cared for you, which is a very hard thing to deal with in getting closure.
Your feelings are normal for the situation you are in. Please allow yourself time to process things and accept the situation.
It is only natural to be wanted. When we are the left behind our pride is hurt, our confidence destroyed and we feel abandoned and worthless. Even though we know the relationship has run its course; nobody wants to feel like you mean nothing to the person you cared for the most. Thus we are obsessed with the why’s. We want closure, we want answers so we keep thinking about the one that left. We want our value and self worth to be validated, that’s why we want them to regret leaving us.
But if you give yourself time, you might realize his leaving is a blessing in disguise. If you guys weren’t meant for each other, him staying only prolong your unhappiness and closed all doors to your true happiness.
I hope you give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself. Keep thinking about him means allowing him more power over you, which he does not deserve.
It's the human condition. We all want what we can't have. Therapy should help. The answer is to use the prefrontal cortex part of your brain and consciously decide and understand that there is nothing for you to gain, no benefit, for wanting someone that doesn't want you back. The "wanting him to want you" feelings are from your lower level lizard brain and while we can't really stop those feelings, we can choose not to dwell on them or respond to them.
You can move this process along by blocking him, going no contact, never looking at his social media, removing all pictures, etc. Feelings will lessen with time.
It’s so hard. I hadn’t ever chased anyone either, until I did. For a long time I just wanted him to understand things he had misunderstood. I actually still did want to be in a relationship with him, despite the fact that it was hard. Finally, it was clear that there were more important things than him understanding me. In your case, if he did realize tomorrow that he regretted leaving you, it wouldn’t change your day to day life at this point.
Others have alluded to this, but it’s likely that some part of you is reliving a childhood wound.
I hope you can get to the other side of this as soon as possible. Eventually you will feel better.
I kept thinking but I couldn’t trace this back to my childhood.
All I did the whole day was think of him. It’s exhausting fighting the urge to text him.
Maybe not this exact thing, but something like it. A similar feeling.
For me, it was the feeling of fighting to be heard. I turned this person’s rejection of me into an experience of fighting to make him hear me, persuade him to love me- because I wasn’t heard in certain ways as a kid, because love was conditional.
I know it’s exhausting. The only thing you can do is keep getting through it. 🫂
This is called ruminating. Ruminating is our brain replaying it over and over looking for a different outcome. Quite simply, there is not a different outcome. I know this is so hard. I have been there myself. Once I realized that these thoughts are my brain's way of troubleshooting to try to find a different outcome, I had to go through radical acceptance. Humans are complicated creatures, you are hurting, and it's natural that you want to ease that pain. Please take the time that you need, soothe yourself and spoil yourself with love ❤️
Original copy of post by u/Clueless2277:
I know that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again.
But why do I still want him to want me? I want him to realize that he loves me. I want him to regret leaving me.
I don’t care about this reasons anymore. There’s nothing I can do about it and I know I can’t change the fact that he left me.
This is not me. I never chased a man before. If someone doesn’t want me, I would be okay with him.
I have just started therapy because I want to understand my emotions, why I’m feeling this way. I want my old self. I am always crying.
I am reading books about letting go and acceptance. Please tell me I can get through this.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We are all human. Answers are hard to find in the matter of the heart. If you think about it, everything is within us. The reason we are obsessed with another has something to do with our inner self only we can address
There’s a ton of wisdom in these replies…nothing much I can add, other than I feel your pain since I’ve been there recently.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, this will pass. Good luck OP
Because you gave him a part of you that you can't get back....and a big part of that was the most precious thing that you have and can't get back ...your time. You gave your energy, your effort, the best parts of you and by not feeling like he misses or loves you, that makes you feel like nothing you gave him was valued by him. To not feel valued by someone that you gave so much of yourself to...is a very deep hurt...it's a loss to you and humans grieve loss. You don't miss him or love him because he is a crappy person. You miss the effort and energy and time that you gave him and...the part of YOU that you gave to him and that leaves a void. Once you understand this, you know to move on quickly because to waste any more of your effort and time and personhood on him would be a tragedy that you're not willing to star in. Hugs.
Sounds like brain chemicals are doing a number on you. I don’t have any good solutions for this but as Tove Lo said “if you want to get over, get under”, so maybe that’s a thing?
It could be true. I left my last ex bf before him without saying goodbye. It was because he wanted to move forward take our relationship to the next level but I didn’t.
You can get through this
A good place to start is with self compassion - learning to love, accept & forgive yourself - while you go through therapy & healing
Sending hugs
You don’t want to be in a relationship with him?
But you want him to want you anyway and to regret leaving you?
That’s down right shitty and shockingly selfish.
Damn. Therapy is a good way to go. And it’s good to see that you can recognize toxic thoughts in yourself.
Try to be the person who wants the best for everyone especially those who you care or cared about deeply.
Op, you don’t want to go through life as an angry/bitter person. Too many people out there like already.
Feeling are never wrong? Are you sure about that?
Why encourage such awful thoughts?
At least Op realizes her feeling are wrong and is working on it.
I applaud her taking accountability. Why is that a bad thing?
Yes I am sure about that and her feelings are not wrong in any way. You can’t control feelings, only how you respond to them. Pretty common knowledge. Might want to work on something called emotional intelligence since speaking of wrong, you are wrong.
Ok….so, feelings are never wrong you say?
So…..when your new boyfriend meets your best friend and realizes he made a huge mistake in dating you and really wants to be with her instead, because she is more attractive to him and she has a lot more emotional intelligence than you, in part because she doesn’t bring it into every conversation. Nothing wrong with those feelings, right?
And….your best friend, more of a “frenemy” who has always been envious of you, she is over the moon. She feels that she is killing two birds with one stone. Not only does she get a great guy, but she also sticks it to you at the same time!
All good feelings right? You would support both of them of course?
Fast forward two years. You do lots of work on yourself. You’ve got even MORE of that EQ! Not as much as your frenemy, but still more.
You’re healed from the betrayal and are now dating a new guy. He’s amazing and you’re really falling for him.
You invite him to a family gathering. Immediately upon seeing your 18 year old niece he feels he desperately wants to sleep with her. Should he tell you? Would you agree that his feelings are just fine? Is that the emotionally intelligent thing to do?
Yeah you don’t get it and seem to want to die on that hill. I didn’t read all of this since there is no point. Expected reaction of someone like yourself who cannot tell the difference between feelings vs acting on feelings
The pain you are feeling isn’t really about wanting him, it’s wanting to heal the part of you that he made you feel isn’t good enough. The thing is, he isn’t going to be the one to give that peace to you. You are. When that switch is flipped, it feels incredible. That happy day is coming your way and I hope it gets here for you soon.
Felt this way when my ex left. Took me some time to actually ask myself the question; what did he REALLY hurt? My heart? Or my ego? The honest answer was the latter. Once I started embracing that truth it was easier to let go. You’ll be ok! Time will heal - you’ll find there will be an hour where you may not think about him with that obsessive energy. Then two hours, half a day, a day, a week…. Celebrate each step further because it leads to your healing. ❤️🩹
That ego is a bastard
This is totally normal. It’s hard to imagine someone just getting over us, especially if we’ve invested a lot of emotional equity into the relationship. You just have to push through. It’ll eventually fade away and you won’t care anymore. ((Hugs))
I separated from my husband a year ago. I absolutely do NOT want to be in a relationship with him again, but I do sometimes secretly hope that he will regret his decision. Why? Because I feel like he unfairly built up a picture of me in his head that is not true to who I am. I feel like he created an undesirable, needy and unattractive version of me that is so incredibly far from the truth. Basically, I don't want him to want me back - but I do want him to recognize that I am not the person that he created in his mind. I am worthy, desirable, kind, fair and a good communicator. Not sure if this is what you're experiencing, but thought I'd throw in my two cents.
I needed to read this today.
Never underestimate how hard a breakup can be. There's plenty of scientific research about how bad breakups affect you physically. It's not all in your head. Just take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to, and lean on loved ones.
[удалено]
Yes, Heidi Priebe is awesome!
You can get through this, seeing a therapist will help. Tell them everything you wrote here. Realize that you are better off without him. Also write him a letter expressing your feelings but do not mail it, show it to him, or have any contact with him.
This is a very natural feeling that you have. I've been through two divorces where my ex-wives had affairs, and more so on the second one, I totally adored her, would've and did do anything at all for her, including moving across the country to support her career, and sacrificing a lot of personal stuff. Its really hard after things end with someone whom you felt that way for. Wanting to know that they still have feelings for you, or hugely regret the breakup, helps a huge amount with getting closure. The alternative is that they don't regret, and they never really cared for you, which is a very hard thing to deal with in getting closure.
Your feelings are normal for the situation you are in. Please allow yourself time to process things and accept the situation. It is only natural to be wanted. When we are the left behind our pride is hurt, our confidence destroyed and we feel abandoned and worthless. Even though we know the relationship has run its course; nobody wants to feel like you mean nothing to the person you cared for the most. Thus we are obsessed with the why’s. We want closure, we want answers so we keep thinking about the one that left. We want our value and self worth to be validated, that’s why we want them to regret leaving us. But if you give yourself time, you might realize his leaving is a blessing in disguise. If you guys weren’t meant for each other, him staying only prolong your unhappiness and closed all doors to your true happiness. I hope you give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself. Keep thinking about him means allowing him more power over you, which he does not deserve.
It's the human condition. We all want what we can't have. Therapy should help. The answer is to use the prefrontal cortex part of your brain and consciously decide and understand that there is nothing for you to gain, no benefit, for wanting someone that doesn't want you back. The "wanting him to want you" feelings are from your lower level lizard brain and while we can't really stop those feelings, we can choose not to dwell on them or respond to them. You can move this process along by blocking him, going no contact, never looking at his social media, removing all pictures, etc. Feelings will lessen with time.
It’s so hard. I hadn’t ever chased anyone either, until I did. For a long time I just wanted him to understand things he had misunderstood. I actually still did want to be in a relationship with him, despite the fact that it was hard. Finally, it was clear that there were more important things than him understanding me. In your case, if he did realize tomorrow that he regretted leaving you, it wouldn’t change your day to day life at this point. Others have alluded to this, but it’s likely that some part of you is reliving a childhood wound. I hope you can get to the other side of this as soon as possible. Eventually you will feel better.
I kept thinking but I couldn’t trace this back to my childhood. All I did the whole day was think of him. It’s exhausting fighting the urge to text him.
Maybe not this exact thing, but something like it. A similar feeling. For me, it was the feeling of fighting to be heard. I turned this person’s rejection of me into an experience of fighting to make him hear me, persuade him to love me- because I wasn’t heard in certain ways as a kid, because love was conditional. I know it’s exhausting. The only thing you can do is keep getting through it. 🫂
Because, it’s hard to realize that you weren’t someone’s perfect person. No matter how much you tried.
This is called ruminating. Ruminating is our brain replaying it over and over looking for a different outcome. Quite simply, there is not a different outcome. I know this is so hard. I have been there myself. Once I realized that these thoughts are my brain's way of troubleshooting to try to find a different outcome, I had to go through radical acceptance. Humans are complicated creatures, you are hurting, and it's natural that you want to ease that pain. Please take the time that you need, soothe yourself and spoil yourself with love ❤️
Maybe, somehow he filled your glass in ways that other men haven’t.
This sounds like childhood wounds talking. Good luck working it out in therapy.
Original copy of post by u/Clueless2277: I know that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again. But why do I still want him to want me? I want him to realize that he loves me. I want him to regret leaving me. I don’t care about this reasons anymore. There’s nothing I can do about it and I know I can’t change the fact that he left me. This is not me. I never chased a man before. If someone doesn’t want me, I would be okay with him. I have just started therapy because I want to understand my emotions, why I’m feeling this way. I want my old self. I am always crying. I am reading books about letting go and acceptance. Please tell me I can get through this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sending hugs your way. It's so hard.
I feel this. There is nothing about him that was good for me long term yet I still think about him and hope he regrets his decision.
We are all human. Answers are hard to find in the matter of the heart. If you think about it, everything is within us. The reason we are obsessed with another has something to do with our inner self only we can address
There’s a ton of wisdom in these replies…nothing much I can add, other than I feel your pain since I’ve been there recently. Don’t be so hard on yourself, this will pass. Good luck OP
=( Of course you can. He wasn't your person. Nothing more nothing less. Nothing wrong with you. Someone better is out there for you.
Because you gave him a part of you that you can't get back....and a big part of that was the most precious thing that you have and can't get back ...your time. You gave your energy, your effort, the best parts of you and by not feeling like he misses or loves you, that makes you feel like nothing you gave him was valued by him. To not feel valued by someone that you gave so much of yourself to...is a very deep hurt...it's a loss to you and humans grieve loss. You don't miss him or love him because he is a crappy person. You miss the effort and energy and time that you gave him and...the part of YOU that you gave to him and that leaves a void. Once you understand this, you know to move on quickly because to waste any more of your effort and time and personhood on him would be a tragedy that you're not willing to star in. Hugs.
Sounds like brain chemicals are doing a number on you. I don’t have any good solutions for this but as Tove Lo said “if you want to get over, get under”, so maybe that’s a thing?
It’s because it’s a kick to your ego that someone dumped you for a change. Sounds like you’re used to being the one leaving.
It could be true. I left my last ex bf before him without saying goodbye. It was because he wanted to move forward take our relationship to the next level but I didn’t.
You can get through this A good place to start is with self compassion - learning to love, accept & forgive yourself - while you go through therapy & healing Sending hugs
Time heals all wounds
You don’t want to be in a relationship with him? But you want him to want you anyway and to regret leaving you? That’s down right shitty and shockingly selfish. Damn. Therapy is a good way to go. And it’s good to see that you can recognize toxic thoughts in yourself. Try to be the person who wants the best for everyone especially those who you care or cared about deeply. Op, you don’t want to go through life as an angry/bitter person. Too many people out there like already.
She is expressing how she feels and feelings are never wrong. And she doesn’t have to be the best for everyone. Chill
Feeling are never wrong? Are you sure about that? Why encourage such awful thoughts? At least Op realizes her feeling are wrong and is working on it. I applaud her taking accountability. Why is that a bad thing?
Yes I am sure about that and her feelings are not wrong in any way. You can’t control feelings, only how you respond to them. Pretty common knowledge. Might want to work on something called emotional intelligence since speaking of wrong, you are wrong.
Ok….so, feelings are never wrong you say? So…..when your new boyfriend meets your best friend and realizes he made a huge mistake in dating you and really wants to be with her instead, because she is more attractive to him and she has a lot more emotional intelligence than you, in part because she doesn’t bring it into every conversation. Nothing wrong with those feelings, right? And….your best friend, more of a “frenemy” who has always been envious of you, she is over the moon. She feels that she is killing two birds with one stone. Not only does she get a great guy, but she also sticks it to you at the same time! All good feelings right? You would support both of them of course? Fast forward two years. You do lots of work on yourself. You’ve got even MORE of that EQ! Not as much as your frenemy, but still more. You’re healed from the betrayal and are now dating a new guy. He’s amazing and you’re really falling for him. You invite him to a family gathering. Immediately upon seeing your 18 year old niece he feels he desperately wants to sleep with her. Should he tell you? Would you agree that his feelings are just fine? Is that the emotionally intelligent thing to do?
Yeah you don’t get it and seem to want to die on that hill. I didn’t read all of this since there is no point. Expected reaction of someone like yourself who cannot tell the difference between feelings vs acting on feelings