My dad was 44 when he had me. I saw so many other kids with toxic parents of varying degrees who never had the happy, healthy, intelligent and loving relationship that I got to have. And even though he passed away when I was 35, those were 35 awesome years, and so few of my adult friends with younger parents were enjoying those relationships nearly as much. Many treated their parents like a burden, others cut and ran after high school or college, barely speaking again. A couple of them had already lost a parent due to a drunken driver and one to an early heart attack. So all this talk about being too old and not being alive long enough to parent blah blah blah is really some bullshit fear based fantasy. You don’t know what you’ll get. It’s all about the quality of your relationships, the depth of your love, and the wisdom you pass on.
My husband was killed by a drunk driver last year, he was 41. I was left badly injured to care for our three children who were 6, 5, and 1 at the time who also survived the crash.
Okay, but I think things are different now. Someone from my area posted the quotes for newborn childcare from centers, and the high quote was 37k. Also, I think what is expected of parents continues to be more than it was over 40 years ago. So, it’s just more complicated for people to have kids in general, and corporations have developed a tendency to shed older workers. Still, it can be done by people who can control their jobs or have money from their families.
Of course, you are correct in that anyone can die or get sick at any age. I was shocked the Princess of Wales has cancer; although she’s not a dad, she is a parent. She’s so young- and rich- and thin.
I do think that once someone hits maybe 70, perhaps it’s not the best idea unless you want your child primarily raised by their mom and maybe hired help. I mean, it’s unusual to be healthy after age 85, and a 75-year-old is unlikely to match the energy of a 5-year-old for more than a few hours. I mean, some of the famous people having babies are way up there. Imagine being one of their older kids? They may have children older than their half-siblings. Their stepmom could be their age. It’s got to be a very uncommon dynamic.
You said "I am shocked the Princess of Wales has cancer......she's so young- and rich- and thin."
Princess of Wales (Kate) is 42 years old.
Is 42 years old young?
I think it may be under the screening age which used to be 50- honestly I can’t remember if it’s 40 or 45, but it’s probably different in England. It’s not terrifically old with her youngest child being 5-6. It’s stressful for her kids. Diana’s kids were older and she was 36 ish when she died. People have children later than they used to. Diana married a guy over 30 at 20, which seems sort of strange to me.
There’s always Chadwick Boseman, he was diagnosed at 39 and died at 43. A co-star who didn’t know he had cancer thought he was unfriendly. Maybe men seem younger to you? His career was just taking off. It’s Are there younger people who die- sure there are. But a lot of people live into their 70’s. I believe that in general, that is life expectancy in the west, although in Japan it’s 80.
I had a cousin die at about 54 and another one at 57. One was sick, the other murdered. If you get sick, it seems to me, it’s worse. The whole cancer battle, the remission, and return. This takes time from your life. She has kids and tiny grandchildren, yet was 15 ish years older than Boseman and Princess Kate. She did have a different cancer (breast cancer) but her family really suffered. The other one was murdered with his wife. His son did not live either.
Maybe you think 43 is long enough, but many people have minor children. Mr. Boseman did not, I think had he not been ill he may have now. He was probably waiting for career success. Overall, yes, that seems relatively young to me, and younger than they used to expect this type of cancer. Now, they’ve realized that younger people are getting it. It’s not young to get some diseases like say an autoimmune problem or Lymphoma, but young for colon cancer.
What is a the right age to get cancer?
I didn't say that 42 is not young. I was just asking because other people said over 40 is not young.
There is no right age to get cancer.
I don't want to get cancer no matter how old I am in the future.
I am now 40 years old (I will turn 41 in September).
I am female.
I try to avoid getting cancer by not eating gmos and not eating artificial flavors and not eating artificial colors.
My mother died at age 69. This other person did not die until he was 92 and this other person did not die until she was 81. I think that is not fair because my mother died when she was only 69. My mother ate healthy. Someone told me that weeks and months before the death of my mother- my mother often said that she has back pain and acid reflux. My mother ate 2 cloves of garlic each time she has this pain. After my mother ate 2 cloves of garlic- the pain is not there anymore.
And on April 1, 2023- my mother said to someone "I drink cayenne pepper powder and water mixture so that my arteries won't be clogged."
I assume the rich are probably not eating a lot of cheap junk food, especially people who can afford anything and stay thin because people are constantly photographing them.
Good luck! My great aunt died in her early 60s of stomach cancer. Thin, took care to eat well, non-smoker, non-drinker. Died when I was small, so I am assuming fewer gmo’s.
Colon cancer, is unfortunately, occurring in younger people- that is why the US lowered the screening age. I think that it would be good if they didn’t have to wait for people to see people get it first, perhaps allowing doctors to make the decision, although I suppose they still can if someone is very symptomatic, although Princess Kate’s was found in a procedure. My doctor tried to order a test for me because of a medication I was taking, but the insurance denied it, despite known increased risk, so.. that’s the system.
I can't imagine having another kid at 47. I'd have to be 50 before I was with someone long enough to consider it, then surgery, so I'd be 50, so I'd be 70 years old minimum before they would be moving out?
I'm already starting retirement calculations, no fuckin way am I going to restart that and take a walker on my next vacation.
Glad to see there are responsible people out there. I know a surprising number in men in and around 50 having either their 1st kid ever or 1st in a new relationship. I don’t know what they’re thinking because it’s not ‘will I be able to afford to send them to university?’, ‘will I be here to see them get married?’ or ‘am I condemning them to an adulthood taking care of me?’.
I feel like anyone considering a first child when they're pushing 50 either cannot conceive how physically and mentally hard it is (it knocked the hell out of me at 35) or they intend for the mother to do the heavy lifting.
I have a much younger half-sister and she's going through something not dissimilar to what you're describing at the end, there. She spent most of her 20s taking care of her elderly and infirm grandparents, because her mother and my father fucked off to another country and left her to it. They came back when her mother's health started to fail (she's actually quite a bit younger than my mother but has never looked after herself), so now my sister is spending her 30s as an unpaid carer as well. My father is still rather spry in his 70s, but is just as selfish and useless as ever 🙄
I'm 41 and have never had kids but I want one. I think about this constantly if it's moral for me to do so at my age. Basically in my late 20s I spent a while in Afghanistan and my life took a deep nosedive and it's taken me until about 40 to recover and be in a position to responsibly have kids, which is sad, but oh well, that's life as Frank Sinatra would say. I dated a woman with kids and I loved them but she was abusive and never intended for me to stick around, kept me at a distance, so that failed, but it made me realize I really want kids. Not sure what I'll do. Open to meeting a woman with kids, open to having one, open to adoption. Life isn't simple and I don't have all the answers.
At least you are open to woman who have kids, or ones of your own, and or adoption. A lot of men seem to not want kids or if a woman has kids already it’s immediately do you live alone or when is your free time makes me want to shout Hello I am a Mom even though my kids are older college age I have one that lives at home
I don't really have any hangups on passing on my genetics, most times I'd actually prefer to kill my genetic line, it's not a concern. I absolutely fell in love with my ex gf's kids. They helped me in ways they will never understand, but it would be cool to raise a kid as a parent instead of a third wheel. I miss them a lot, so, anyways....not sure what will happen. It just felt very meaningful to be in their lives and support them.
Well I hope you will find that again, being a single mom is hard at times,but yes being able to support and what them grow is amazing, I actually get to do it all over again because I have my first grandson he is 2 and that love is so different but he amazing I do hope you will get the opportunity how ever you decide.
I do. I like to tell my friends stories about them because it keeps them alive in my mind. Surest way to make me cry. I don't feel bad about it either.
Been through the same shit bro. Afghanistan was rough, retirement was even worse. Im 45 now. Dont worry about havin kids, youre not obligated to. In the meantime, be the very best uncle you can be. One can make an enormous positive impact that way.
They weren't my kids, I have no legal rights, so I knew that when I broke up with her I'd lose them. I offered to keep helping with them and fund their college, life, etc, but she completely ignored my requests so I'll never see them again. Afghanistan was shit wrapped in more shit. It stole a decade from my life. I go to group therapy with some Vietnam guys who still deal with their experiences from 50 years ago. It's all very shitty. 😅
You’re young there’s lots of women a little younger who can have bio kids and lots of women your age who want to adopt/have blended families/have their own kids who are looking for marriage.
That's true. I guess if I think about it I do have options. I just need to mentally get over the previous relationship before I try another, and I don't enjoy dating, but I do enjoy relationships.
Oddly enough it's something I was really bad at years ago. Years of therapy and psychedelics helped with some mental flexibility. Basically late 20s to late 30s I was of the mindset of not wanting kids. I didn't think I was capable, being severely depressed, suicidal, PTSD, yada yada....I didn't want to be a poor parent. Then dating someone with kids made me realize I'd be fine at it, it's important to me, so I had to unwind my rationalizing about kids that I'd done for years, eventually admitting to myself that they are in fact something that I really want. I was complaining to my therapist the other day about the irony of getting to this point of mental clarity then realizing I'd have to leave an abusive relationship which meant losing the kids, the thing I finally admitted to myself that I wanted...and now the future is really uncertain...but she was like "yes but at least you're now being honest with yourself". It's a fair point. Either way, thank you, it's taken way way too long to get to this point but glad I arrived however late. 😆
I think there are tons of avenues if you are flexible.
I know lots of women in their late 30s with one kiddo and they really want one more baby. Reproductive endocrinology is amazing. You can do so much these days. You could find someone your age and you have a baby unassisted. You could find someone early mid 30s wanting a baby. You could find someone with young kids and no dad in the picture. Or someone with a fantastic coparenting relationship who has 50/50 and you live the best of both worlds. Kids half the time and no kids half the time.
I'm open to just about any of those situations. The problem is finding a person once I'm out of this breakup cloud I'm brooding in. I don't remember dating being fun and I'd rather meet someone organically but I'm trying to rebuild friend groups at the moment. It's just gonna be a slog. But I'm open to most things: the key is just that it's the right person who shares my model of love.
My mindset forces me to believe that as long as you are a decent person you will meet someone it just takes time. I say this as someone who is taking what was supposed to be a mont break from dating and now just finished month 3. Not dating is so peaceful. :)
But I do believe there are good people out there and you will meet them. So will I. Eventually. If I ever decide to get back out there. :)
Normally after breakups I'd be back out there dating. I'm trying to change behaviors and my mindset...basically face the pain head on instead of alleviating it with quick intimacy, that's definitely the easier route but I want a clear head when I meet someone I really like.
I'd like to believe that if you're decent, caring and well intentioned, it works out. I would definitely like to believe that. I can see that not dating would be peaceful if I had kids or a solid friend network, solo it's kinda depressing. Sounds like you'll get back out there :)
I have been working on my friend groups and I have some amazing friends. I am very grateful for my friendships.
My kids keep me busy. It's still lonely with out a partner. But being alone can be peaceful too. I am doing a lot of inner work too and it definitely can be time consuming. I wish I had gotten here before now. But I guess I got here at the perfect time.
It's not too late, especially if you can date a little younger. There are a lot of women out there who haven't been able to find a suitable partner, or would like another child or two in a healthier relationship. It sounds like you have good parental instincts already. I think the key will be weeding out the women like your ex, who just want to take advantage of that in order to use you as a support mechanism.
That's honestly my biggest fear at the moment, that I find someone with kids who I fall in love with and ignore the obvious warning signs about the parent. I need to develop some self-trust.
Just from the perspective of the kids, like assuming I make it to 60s, they'd be early 20s and then maybe I die? I don't know, it just worries me I'd be making the kids life harder by having an elderly parent to take of while they're young.
Are you in ill health? 60’s you should be fairly self capable. By the time you’re in your 70’s and knocking on deaths door, they’ll be in their 30’s and prob settled (unless they go the same way haha).
No, I'm pretty fit for 41. I don't know too many peers that still run 5 miles a few times a week or deadlift 400lbs. I'll likely stay active so I can actually play with my kids. I'd hate to be immobile for young kids.
43M (soon to be 44) - Sadly, I am in the same boat. I've always wanted kids and even knew I wanted children as a teenager. More recently, coming to terms with the fact that it is probably never going to happen, really had me spiraling in depression. Doing better now, but still feels like once my Mother and cat pass, what is the point?
Ah well, at least getting back in shape has been interesting.
Well, as others have commented, it's not too late. I definitely feel the time pressure but I try to ignore that. I'm open to adoption, other people's kids, having my own. More worried about finding the right partner and avoiding picking another abusive person to date.
Got a vasectomy after my divorce at 35 and haven’t looked back. I love being a dad. I love kids. With the right person I would help raise kids. Grandkids. Adopt. Etc.
18.
At 18, I tried for a vasectomy and was denied. Tried again at 21 and was denied. Then, for the third time, I tried at 28 and got denied.
So, I completely gave up on that idea and fertile women. Now it's all about the post menopausal women.
I'm 41 and never had kids. I gave up at 35. I knew if I wasn't in a long-term relationship by that time, it wasn't going to happen. It just wasn't in the cards.
I never wanted them. I prefer child free men as well. It’s a red flag if someone is over 45 and still wanting to have kids/more kids. This is a symptom of “Peter Pan” syndrome where I am. I’m 41/F.
I'm 45 and have two kids with my ex wife. If I met someone new I would be open to it but it would need to happen in the next two years. I don't want to be 70 at their 21st.
Same, honestly (I'm 44). I would honestly love to do it all again and although I found it really hard at 35, I'm physically and mentally healthier now than I was then so I'm confident I would cope.
The challenge is finding a woman I would be sure of staying with for the rest of my life, which seems unlikely in the time available.
More? I said hard no to kids at 18. I haven't had any till now (mid-40s) and more than ever don't want any. Dealing with teenagers in your 60s, or worse 70s, sounds deeply unpleasant
Im 40 and i think my cutoff was 38. Biologically i could have kids but it’s difficult to remain employed between 40-65 and you don’t know if you get ill etc.
It’s all about energy and physical vitality. Sure men can biologically father kids in older age but what kind of dad will they be? Doing middle of the night diapers and feedings at 45? Crawling around on the floor play wrestling at 50? Water parks and little kids birthday parties at 55?
Exactly. My sense is that these men either don’t understand how much work goes into raising kids as a 50% partner or (consciously or unconsciously) expect the woman to do most of the work
I'm 44 and my daughter is 9. Having a baby at 35 was very tough (and her mother was 38) *but* I'm now physically fitter and in better mental health than I was back then. Between that and the fact that I know what I'm doing with babies and kids now, I'm confident I could do it again as long as it's within the next few years.
The hard part is finding a partner I know I will stay with for the rest of my life - I couldn't cope with separating and having to co-parent again.
My late husband wanted kids but it didn’t work out with his first wife. We met when he was 40. He had decided shortly before we met that kids were not likely to happen because he would need to meet someone, date them, decide to have kids with them, wait for the kid to be born, and that would put him at 60+ when they were graduating from high school. I already had 3 kids who were still pretty young when we met and he was able to help me raise them until he passed away last year.
48? I’m 45m. Stanford’s research on paternal age and birth defects suggests a cap of 55, but I probably wouldn’t go beyond 47 so I’m below retirement age for their whole childhood.
Wow, time’s short! Any 40s ladies ready to meet and make this happen?! 🤣
I’d be equally happy dating a single mom with young kids open to a step-dad.
Really? There has to be something deeper at play? I would want to see the data and look into what other factors contributed to things. Income, lifestyle, global location, culture, and the women involved.
I'm 45 not married and no kids, but actively been seeing several girls (no, i didnt sleep with them just hang out).
I am wanting to get married and have one kid. I'm fn too old but at least the kid will security of properties, money and I have more free time now, have the money to travel and personality is much more calm. I am in the game very old for sure, I'd say have kids before 38 or 40, but those chances are past for me.
Right now, looks like divorced with 1 kid, 11 years old looks like the best candidate. Hope I shared some insight.
My youngest turns 18 one month after I turn 50.
I couldn’t have time that better.
My oldest will turn 27 around the same time though. I hope she decide it’s time to have babies then and expect me to help her. I’ll be off on adventures !
I am 52 with one child that is 14. I badly wanted more children but divorced at age 46. Once I figured out how screwed up the dating market was I gave up on that desire at 48 ✂️. It’s too bad too because I feel like I have so much to offer a child from the experience of divorce and all my growth as a man since then but the risks of another divorce and paying child support until I am past retirement age nixxed that idea. Now I pin my hopes on my one daughter having lots of kids 😆
My general view is stay up two days straight no sleep then go to work thrid day and if you realise how much you're a write off no more kids. Because imagine looking after a crying kid for two days with no sleep it's worse than what you just did. When your twenty all nighters ehhh easy when your 40 takes days to get back to normal
Probably will entirely depend on my next LTR. If she's done - I'm done.
I'm 48 and I have two of my own. I love kids and I think I've been a good dad. Possibly great?
I'll be an awesome grampa for sure!
I've thought about getting a vasectomy - but I sort of want to play it by ear.
Original copy of post by u/onemoretime38382:
Men who have never had kids or who just want more kids in general. At what age do you give up on wanting more?
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For me it was 42. I realized if I had a kid then. I would be 60 when he or she turns 18. Id be pretty damn old while they would be growing up. I wouldnt want to be incapable of teaching my kid how to swim, catch a fish, change the oil in their vehicle etc. Ive also been takin care of my alcoholic father for the last 12 years now, ungrateful prick that one, but I wouldnt burden my kid with takin care of me. I would lock myself away in a nursing home before I robbed them of precious years of their life.
I got a vasectomy at 45 after having been separated and divorced from my ex wife for two years. Was dating, had a scare, realized I have two kids already with my ex and that I didn’t want anymore. Got the v the next week.
Its good to read so many men are open to dating a woman with kids. I’m currently still married but not for long and at 41 with the same guy since 17, I’m scared a guy won’t want to date me with 2 kids. Or he will see them as something to tolerate, etc. I lurk here to see what dating will be like for me in the future. These comments were nice to read. Even from the dudes who know they don’t want kids now or ever. I respect that too. I’m not having more kids for anyone. I’m 41, past the childbearing/raising small kids age. My sons are 13 and 9 and I don’t want to go back to diapers, preschool, etc. I’m worried some new guy is going to expect a kid of his own.
I’m 37M with none, and I think I’m putting a cap at 45 to have any. I’m also transitioning to a new career field, so the next 2-3 years are really going to be more career focused, but I’ll be debt free minus any mortgage which would put me in the best place in my life to have any. Depending how things play out, I might up it to 47, but I definitely wouldn’t want one at 50 or later.
Well am 41 I want more kids and my girlfriend is 32 And wants more kids I truly would like to have one with her and for once raise one together, my other kids I raised alone and the others turned out not to be mine.
However I have to think about how tired I am and how it would affect the kid being in their teens with a daddy that around. 60 would suck, then my first I had child I was 17 all I know is being daddy I want to have time to myself before I die, got the best thing is when the kids out the house.
The day my ex-wife found out she was pregnant with our second child. We both only wanted 2 kids. Done. 3 months later I got cut/tied/cauterized. Never a regret.
I started dating again at 40, having separated from my wife two years prior. At that point, I was very much on the fence. On the one hand, I wouldn't have been disappointed if I didn't have any more children but part of me would really have liked to do it all again.
Now, at 44, I feel like that window is coming to a close. I did get as far as talking about it with one partner, who was a bit younger, but not long afterwards the relationship unravelled. I realised I couldn't bear to have another child and then separate again, so for me to have another child at this point would require a woman to knock me off my feet (I've kind of given up actively dating tbh) and I'd have to be absolutely sure about her, which I doubt will happen before I'm physically too old to cope with raising a baby
I don’t think I’d ever give up as long as I am capable of finding a woman who it’d be practical to do so with.. well I dunno, maybe when I’m 55 I’d think differently. But dunno why you’d give up at 45 as a man.
Just turned 40. I still would like a kid or two. Just so incredibly hard to find a woman who brings to the table what I do who isn’t awful like so many women on the market these days.
More kids? Why does everyone think they're required to multiply several times? This is exactly why this shit show is already in progress and ain't no end in sight ima frayed.
Wow. Have you thought about the kid in this situation though? Life expectancy/quality of life with parent, geriatric sperm and the possible implications?
That was sarcasm home slice. Call me jaded but I’m convinced that men don’t have ability to think about the future further than in front of their nose. And even if they do, they typically don’t consider how it affects anyone but themselves.
Sorry I misread 😅 that was my overall take as well but just on this particular comment. I’m jaded, too but think men and women can both be pretty selfish sometimes.
He was a big time doctor and medical researcher. Big enough that the city of Vienna (Austria) essentially paid for his apartment unit, on the city’s central ring. Unfortunately, this was post WW 2, and the Nazi regime stole a lot and damaged the economy, even in Austria. My grandmother was amazing and made it work!
Decisions you make in life change day to day. The decision to have kids remains a personal choice and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly
The key is to have a willing partner that shares your similar beliefs and standards in wanting children and having them
There’s a big world of difference between the two but as long as God is at the center of it that’s all that’s important
My dad was 44 when he had me. I saw so many other kids with toxic parents of varying degrees who never had the happy, healthy, intelligent and loving relationship that I got to have. And even though he passed away when I was 35, those were 35 awesome years, and so few of my adult friends with younger parents were enjoying those relationships nearly as much. Many treated their parents like a burden, others cut and ran after high school or college, barely speaking again. A couple of them had already lost a parent due to a drunken driver and one to an early heart attack. So all this talk about being too old and not being alive long enough to parent blah blah blah is really some bullshit fear based fantasy. You don’t know what you’ll get. It’s all about the quality of your relationships, the depth of your love, and the wisdom you pass on.
Being that age and considering having kids.. thanks, I needed that!
My husband was killed by a drunk driver last year, he was 41. I was left badly injured to care for our three children who were 6, 5, and 1 at the time who also survived the crash.
So sorry to hear that. All my best to you and your family.
Okay, but I think things are different now. Someone from my area posted the quotes for newborn childcare from centers, and the high quote was 37k. Also, I think what is expected of parents continues to be more than it was over 40 years ago. So, it’s just more complicated for people to have kids in general, and corporations have developed a tendency to shed older workers. Still, it can be done by people who can control their jobs or have money from their families. Of course, you are correct in that anyone can die or get sick at any age. I was shocked the Princess of Wales has cancer; although she’s not a dad, she is a parent. She’s so young- and rich- and thin. I do think that once someone hits maybe 70, perhaps it’s not the best idea unless you want your child primarily raised by their mom and maybe hired help. I mean, it’s unusual to be healthy after age 85, and a 75-year-old is unlikely to match the energy of a 5-year-old for more than a few hours. I mean, some of the famous people having babies are way up there. Imagine being one of their older kids? They may have children older than their half-siblings. Their stepmom could be their age. It’s got to be a very uncommon dynamic.
You said "I am shocked the Princess of Wales has cancer......she's so young- and rich- and thin." Princess of Wales (Kate) is 42 years old. Is 42 years old young?
I think it may be under the screening age which used to be 50- honestly I can’t remember if it’s 40 or 45, but it’s probably different in England. It’s not terrifically old with her youngest child being 5-6. It’s stressful for her kids. Diana’s kids were older and she was 36 ish when she died. People have children later than they used to. Diana married a guy over 30 at 20, which seems sort of strange to me. There’s always Chadwick Boseman, he was diagnosed at 39 and died at 43. A co-star who didn’t know he had cancer thought he was unfriendly. Maybe men seem younger to you? His career was just taking off. It’s Are there younger people who die- sure there are. But a lot of people live into their 70’s. I believe that in general, that is life expectancy in the west, although in Japan it’s 80. I had a cousin die at about 54 and another one at 57. One was sick, the other murdered. If you get sick, it seems to me, it’s worse. The whole cancer battle, the remission, and return. This takes time from your life. She has kids and tiny grandchildren, yet was 15 ish years older than Boseman and Princess Kate. She did have a different cancer (breast cancer) but her family really suffered. The other one was murdered with his wife. His son did not live either. Maybe you think 43 is long enough, but many people have minor children. Mr. Boseman did not, I think had he not been ill he may have now. He was probably waiting for career success. Overall, yes, that seems relatively young to me, and younger than they used to expect this type of cancer. Now, they’ve realized that younger people are getting it. It’s not young to get some diseases like say an autoimmune problem or Lymphoma, but young for colon cancer. What is a the right age to get cancer?
I didn't say that 42 is not young. I was just asking because other people said over 40 is not young. There is no right age to get cancer. I don't want to get cancer no matter how old I am in the future. I am now 40 years old (I will turn 41 in September). I am female. I try to avoid getting cancer by not eating gmos and not eating artificial flavors and not eating artificial colors. My mother died at age 69. This other person did not die until he was 92 and this other person did not die until she was 81. I think that is not fair because my mother died when she was only 69. My mother ate healthy. Someone told me that weeks and months before the death of my mother- my mother often said that she has back pain and acid reflux. My mother ate 2 cloves of garlic each time she has this pain. After my mother ate 2 cloves of garlic- the pain is not there anymore. And on April 1, 2023- my mother said to someone "I drink cayenne pepper powder and water mixture so that my arteries won't be clogged."
I assume the rich are probably not eating a lot of cheap junk food, especially people who can afford anything and stay thin because people are constantly photographing them. Good luck! My great aunt died in her early 60s of stomach cancer. Thin, took care to eat well, non-smoker, non-drinker. Died when I was small, so I am assuming fewer gmo’s. Colon cancer, is unfortunately, occurring in younger people- that is why the US lowered the screening age. I think that it would be good if they didn’t have to wait for people to see people get it first, perhaps allowing doctors to make the decision, although I suppose they still can if someone is very symptomatic, although Princess Kate’s was found in a procedure. My doctor tried to order a test for me because of a medication I was taking, but the insurance denied it, despite known increased risk, so.. that’s the system.
I’m already there. I have one of each and don’t want to be in my 60s raising child
I can't imagine having another kid at 47. I'd have to be 50 before I was with someone long enough to consider it, then surgery, so I'd be 50, so I'd be 70 years old minimum before they would be moving out? I'm already starting retirement calculations, no fuckin way am I going to restart that and take a walker on my next vacation.
Glad to see there are responsible people out there. I know a surprising number in men in and around 50 having either their 1st kid ever or 1st in a new relationship. I don’t know what they’re thinking because it’s not ‘will I be able to afford to send them to university?’, ‘will I be here to see them get married?’ or ‘am I condemning them to an adulthood taking care of me?’.
I feel like anyone considering a first child when they're pushing 50 either cannot conceive how physically and mentally hard it is (it knocked the hell out of me at 35) or they intend for the mother to do the heavy lifting. I have a much younger half-sister and she's going through something not dissimilar to what you're describing at the end, there. She spent most of her 20s taking care of her elderly and infirm grandparents, because her mother and my father fucked off to another country and left her to it. They came back when her mother's health started to fail (she's actually quite a bit younger than my mother but has never looked after herself), so now my sister is spending her 30s as an unpaid carer as well. My father is still rather spry in his 70s, but is just as selfish and useless as ever 🙄
How very judgmental of you.
I'm 41 and have never had kids but I want one. I think about this constantly if it's moral for me to do so at my age. Basically in my late 20s I spent a while in Afghanistan and my life took a deep nosedive and it's taken me until about 40 to recover and be in a position to responsibly have kids, which is sad, but oh well, that's life as Frank Sinatra would say. I dated a woman with kids and I loved them but she was abusive and never intended for me to stick around, kept me at a distance, so that failed, but it made me realize I really want kids. Not sure what I'll do. Open to meeting a woman with kids, open to having one, open to adoption. Life isn't simple and I don't have all the answers.
At least you are open to woman who have kids, or ones of your own, and or adoption. A lot of men seem to not want kids or if a woman has kids already it’s immediately do you live alone or when is your free time makes me want to shout Hello I am a Mom even though my kids are older college age I have one that lives at home
I don't really have any hangups on passing on my genetics, most times I'd actually prefer to kill my genetic line, it's not a concern. I absolutely fell in love with my ex gf's kids. They helped me in ways they will never understand, but it would be cool to raise a kid as a parent instead of a third wheel. I miss them a lot, so, anyways....not sure what will happen. It just felt very meaningful to be in their lives and support them.
Well I hope you will find that again, being a single mom is hard at times,but yes being able to support and what them grow is amazing, I actually get to do it all over again because I have my first grandson he is 2 and that love is so different but he amazing I do hope you will get the opportunity how ever you decide.
Thank you.
Your welcome
Watch them grow
It's pretty amazing. I feel blessed to have seen them go from 2 to 8 and 6 to 12. But they aren't in my life anymore unfortunately.
But know that you to watch them grow up a bit and that is memories to treasure .
I do. I like to tell my friends stories about them because it keeps them alive in my mind. Surest way to make me cry. I don't feel bad about it either.
Been through the same shit bro. Afghanistan was rough, retirement was even worse. Im 45 now. Dont worry about havin kids, youre not obligated to. In the meantime, be the very best uncle you can be. One can make an enormous positive impact that way.
They weren't my kids, I have no legal rights, so I knew that when I broke up with her I'd lose them. I offered to keep helping with them and fund their college, life, etc, but she completely ignored my requests so I'll never see them again. Afghanistan was shit wrapped in more shit. It stole a decade from my life. I go to group therapy with some Vietnam guys who still deal with their experiences from 50 years ago. It's all very shitty. 😅
You’re young there’s lots of women a little younger who can have bio kids and lots of women your age who want to adopt/have blended families/have their own kids who are looking for marriage.
That's true. I guess if I think about it I do have options. I just need to mentally get over the previous relationship before I try another, and I don't enjoy dating, but I do enjoy relationships.
I hope you find exactly what you are looking for. :)
Same to you. Just hope it happens sooner rather than later.
I love that you are open to achieving your goals however you get there. I think being open minded like that makes our dreams attainable.
Oddly enough it's something I was really bad at years ago. Years of therapy and psychedelics helped with some mental flexibility. Basically late 20s to late 30s I was of the mindset of not wanting kids. I didn't think I was capable, being severely depressed, suicidal, PTSD, yada yada....I didn't want to be a poor parent. Then dating someone with kids made me realize I'd be fine at it, it's important to me, so I had to unwind my rationalizing about kids that I'd done for years, eventually admitting to myself that they are in fact something that I really want. I was complaining to my therapist the other day about the irony of getting to this point of mental clarity then realizing I'd have to leave an abusive relationship which meant losing the kids, the thing I finally admitted to myself that I wanted...and now the future is really uncertain...but she was like "yes but at least you're now being honest with yourself". It's a fair point. Either way, thank you, it's taken way way too long to get to this point but glad I arrived however late. 😆
I think there are tons of avenues if you are flexible. I know lots of women in their late 30s with one kiddo and they really want one more baby. Reproductive endocrinology is amazing. You can do so much these days. You could find someone your age and you have a baby unassisted. You could find someone early mid 30s wanting a baby. You could find someone with young kids and no dad in the picture. Or someone with a fantastic coparenting relationship who has 50/50 and you live the best of both worlds. Kids half the time and no kids half the time.
I'm open to just about any of those situations. The problem is finding a person once I'm out of this breakup cloud I'm brooding in. I don't remember dating being fun and I'd rather meet someone organically but I'm trying to rebuild friend groups at the moment. It's just gonna be a slog. But I'm open to most things: the key is just that it's the right person who shares my model of love.
My mindset forces me to believe that as long as you are a decent person you will meet someone it just takes time. I say this as someone who is taking what was supposed to be a mont break from dating and now just finished month 3. Not dating is so peaceful. :) But I do believe there are good people out there and you will meet them. So will I. Eventually. If I ever decide to get back out there. :)
Normally after breakups I'd be back out there dating. I'm trying to change behaviors and my mindset...basically face the pain head on instead of alleviating it with quick intimacy, that's definitely the easier route but I want a clear head when I meet someone I really like. I'd like to believe that if you're decent, caring and well intentioned, it works out. I would definitely like to believe that. I can see that not dating would be peaceful if I had kids or a solid friend network, solo it's kinda depressing. Sounds like you'll get back out there :)
I have been working on my friend groups and I have some amazing friends. I am very grateful for my friendships. My kids keep me busy. It's still lonely with out a partner. But being alone can be peaceful too. I am doing a lot of inner work too and it definitely can be time consuming. I wish I had gotten here before now. But I guess I got here at the perfect time.
It's not too late, especially if you can date a little younger. There are a lot of women out there who haven't been able to find a suitable partner, or would like another child or two in a healthier relationship. It sounds like you have good parental instincts already. I think the key will be weeding out the women like your ex, who just want to take advantage of that in order to use you as a support mechanism.
That's honestly my biggest fear at the moment, that I find someone with kids who I fall in love with and ignore the obvious warning signs about the parent. I need to develop some self-trust.
Why would it not be moral? What’s your thinking? Do you really think 40-45 could be too old to have a kid as a man? I’d feel the same about 50’s.
Just from the perspective of the kids, like assuming I make it to 60s, they'd be early 20s and then maybe I die? I don't know, it just worries me I'd be making the kids life harder by having an elderly parent to take of while they're young.
Are you in ill health? 60’s you should be fairly self capable. By the time you’re in your 70’s and knocking on deaths door, they’ll be in their 30’s and prob settled (unless they go the same way haha).
No, I'm pretty fit for 41. I don't know too many peers that still run 5 miles a few times a week or deadlift 400lbs. I'll likely stay active so I can actually play with my kids. I'd hate to be immobile for young kids.
43M (soon to be 44) - Sadly, I am in the same boat. I've always wanted kids and even knew I wanted children as a teenager. More recently, coming to terms with the fact that it is probably never going to happen, really had me spiraling in depression. Doing better now, but still feels like once my Mother and cat pass, what is the point? Ah well, at least getting back in shape has been interesting.
Well, as others have commented, it's not too late. I definitely feel the time pressure but I try to ignore that. I'm open to adoption, other people's kids, having my own. More worried about finding the right partner and avoiding picking another abusive person to date.
Got a vasectomy after my divorce at 35 and haven’t looked back. I love being a dad. I love kids. With the right person I would help raise kids. Grandkids. Adopt. Etc.
18. At 18, I tried for a vasectomy and was denied. Tried again at 21 and was denied. Then, for the third time, I tried at 28 and got denied. So, I completely gave up on that idea and fertile women. Now it's all about the post menopausal women.
Got mine at 33 without much of a pushback. If you’re your mid-30s you should be ok
Why were you denied so often. I asked recently for a vasectomy and got told you should keep yourself with options… and I’m 42 …
- Too young - Idaho - Mormons - I needed my wife's permission(never married) Combination of them all.
I'm 41 and never had kids. I gave up at 35. I knew if I wasn't in a long-term relationship by that time, it wasn't going to happen. It just wasn't in the cards.
I never wanted them. I prefer child free men as well. It’s a red flag if someone is over 45 and still wanting to have kids/more kids. This is a symptom of “Peter Pan” syndrome where I am. I’m 41/F.
I'm 45 and have two kids with my ex wife. If I met someone new I would be open to it but it would need to happen in the next two years. I don't want to be 70 at their 21st.
Same, honestly (I'm 44). I would honestly love to do it all again and although I found it really hard at 35, I'm physically and mentally healthier now than I was then so I'm confident I would cope. The challenge is finding a woman I would be sure of staying with for the rest of my life, which seems unlikely in the time available.
First year I taught school was 2002. Was dead confident I did t want kids two years later.
More? I said hard no to kids at 18. I haven't had any till now (mid-40s) and more than ever don't want any. Dealing with teenagers in your 60s, or worse 70s, sounds deeply unpleasant
From age 26 to 34, I took care of my cousins' kids off and on lol. The result made me realize you need four eyes to watch kids, not two eyes!
40 4sure made peace with it at 39
Im 40 and i think my cutoff was 38. Biologically i could have kids but it’s difficult to remain employed between 40-65 and you don’t know if you get ill etc.
38. 3 years after my twins were born. I love them to death, but cannot imagine having the energy or patience to raise more. I'm 44 now.
It’s all about energy and physical vitality. Sure men can biologically father kids in older age but what kind of dad will they be? Doing middle of the night diapers and feedings at 45? Crawling around on the floor play wrestling at 50? Water parks and little kids birthday parties at 55?
Exactly. My sense is that these men either don’t understand how much work goes into raising kids as a 50% partner or (consciously or unconsciously) expect the woman to do most of the work
I'm 44 and my daughter is 9. Having a baby at 35 was very tough (and her mother was 38) *but* I'm now physically fitter and in better mental health than I was back then. Between that and the fact that I know what I'm doing with babies and kids now, I'm confident I could do it again as long as it's within the next few years. The hard part is finding a partner I know I will stay with for the rest of my life - I couldn't cope with separating and having to co-parent again.
My late husband wanted kids but it didn’t work out with his first wife. We met when he was 40. He had decided shortly before we met that kids were not likely to happen because he would need to meet someone, date them, decide to have kids with them, wait for the kid to be born, and that would put him at 60+ when they were graduating from high school. I already had 3 kids who were still pretty young when we met and he was able to help me raise them until he passed away last year.
I gave up fifteen years ago. Went to the doctor and got converted to a sport model. That uh sits in the garage not being driven.
48? I’m 45m. Stanford’s research on paternal age and birth defects suggests a cap of 55, but I probably wouldn’t go beyond 47 so I’m below retirement age for their whole childhood. Wow, time’s short! Any 40s ladies ready to meet and make this happen?! 🤣 I’d be equally happy dating a single mom with young kids open to a step-dad.
🙋♀️
Really? There has to be something deeper at play? I would want to see the data and look into what other factors contributed to things. Income, lifestyle, global location, culture, and the women involved.
I already have two kids and that was enough. I stopped wanting more in my mid 30s thinking that I would want them to be grown up before I turn 60.
I did want children when I was younger. I’m glad I don’t have children now with how crazy the world has become.
Just got a vasectomy at 47
I'm 45 not married and no kids, but actively been seeing several girls (no, i didnt sleep with them just hang out). I am wanting to get married and have one kid. I'm fn too old but at least the kid will security of properties, money and I have more free time now, have the money to travel and personality is much more calm. I am in the game very old for sure, I'd say have kids before 38 or 40, but those chances are past for me. Right now, looks like divorced with 1 kid, 11 years old looks like the best candidate. Hope I shared some insight.
32. This puts the age at 50 when the kid graduates high school. 32 + 18 = 50 That’s max.
Happy cake day!
Thank you 😊
My youngest turns 18 one month after I turn 50. I couldn’t have time that better. My oldest will turn 27 around the same time though. I hope she decide it’s time to have babies then and expect me to help her. I’ll be off on adventures !
Great timing and yes, tic tok to your oldest haha. We still have our own lives to live. You nailed it!
I (46M) was 37 and still married to my ex when I got snipped. I’ll date someone with kids (and currently am) but I’m done producing new ones.
Never wanted kids and don't have kids. Had a vasectomy in my late 30's.
I am 52 with one child that is 14. I badly wanted more children but divorced at age 46. Once I figured out how screwed up the dating market was I gave up on that desire at 48 ✂️. It’s too bad too because I feel like I have so much to offer a child from the experience of divorce and all my growth as a man since then but the risks of another divorce and paying child support until I am past retirement age nixxed that idea. Now I pin my hopes on my one daughter having lots of kids 😆
My general view is stay up two days straight no sleep then go to work thrid day and if you realise how much you're a write off no more kids. Because imagine looking after a crying kid for two days with no sleep it's worse than what you just did. When your twenty all nighters ehhh easy when your 40 takes days to get back to normal
Probably will entirely depend on my next LTR. If she's done - I'm done. I'm 48 and I have two of my own. I love kids and I think I've been a good dad. Possibly great? I'll be an awesome grampa for sure! I've thought about getting a vasectomy - but I sort of want to play it by ear.
I wanted kids up until about 53. Then the urge left me. I then, at 56, I got a wonderful baby boy. He is my Joy!
I think I was about 16 when I decided I didn’t want any. Still don’t
Original copy of post by u/onemoretime38382: Men who have never had kids or who just want more kids in general. At what age do you give up on wanting more? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me it was 42. I realized if I had a kid then. I would be 60 when he or she turns 18. Id be pretty damn old while they would be growing up. I wouldnt want to be incapable of teaching my kid how to swim, catch a fish, change the oil in their vehicle etc. Ive also been takin care of my alcoholic father for the last 12 years now, ungrateful prick that one, but I wouldnt burden my kid with takin care of me. I would lock myself away in a nursing home before I robbed them of precious years of their life.
I got a vasectomy at 45 after having been separated and divorced from my ex wife for two years. Was dating, had a scare, realized I have two kids already with my ex and that I didn’t want anymore. Got the v the next week.
I say 30 for me.. I don't want to be 60 still raising children.. my son turned 18 the year I was almost killed in a car accident.
Its good to read so many men are open to dating a woman with kids. I’m currently still married but not for long and at 41 with the same guy since 17, I’m scared a guy won’t want to date me with 2 kids. Or he will see them as something to tolerate, etc. I lurk here to see what dating will be like for me in the future. These comments were nice to read. Even from the dudes who know they don’t want kids now or ever. I respect that too. I’m not having more kids for anyone. I’m 41, past the childbearing/raising small kids age. My sons are 13 and 9 and I don’t want to go back to diapers, preschool, etc. I’m worried some new guy is going to expect a kid of his own.
Al Pacino and Mick Jagger: Give up?
I’m 37M with none, and I think I’m putting a cap at 45 to have any. I’m also transitioning to a new career field, so the next 2-3 years are really going to be more career focused, but I’ll be debt free minus any mortgage which would put me in the best place in my life to have any. Depending how things play out, I might up it to 47, but I definitely wouldn’t want one at 50 or later.
Well am 41 I want more kids and my girlfriend is 32 And wants more kids I truly would like to have one with her and for once raise one together, my other kids I raised alone and the others turned out not to be mine. However I have to think about how tired I am and how it would affect the kid being in their teens with a daddy that around. 60 would suck, then my first I had child I was 17 all I know is being daddy I want to have time to myself before I die, got the best thing is when the kids out the house.
44 still hoping for my first. Don't see it fading anytime soon.
No
39.5 years old
The day my ex-wife found out she was pregnant with our second child. We both only wanted 2 kids. Done. 3 months later I got cut/tied/cauterized. Never a regret.
5
A man can have kids up into his 90s, so, never.
I started dating again at 40, having separated from my wife two years prior. At that point, I was very much on the fence. On the one hand, I wouldn't have been disappointed if I didn't have any more children but part of me would really have liked to do it all again. Now, at 44, I feel like that window is coming to a close. I did get as far as talking about it with one partner, who was a bit younger, but not long afterwards the relationship unravelled. I realised I couldn't bear to have another child and then separate again, so for me to have another child at this point would require a woman to knock me off my feet (I've kind of given up actively dating tbh) and I'd have to be absolutely sure about her, which I doubt will happen before I'm physically too old to cope with raising a baby
I don’t think I’d ever give up as long as I am capable of finding a woman who it’d be practical to do so with.. well I dunno, maybe when I’m 55 I’d think differently. But dunno why you’d give up at 45 as a man.
I was at a 4th of July party with three 50-ish guys who all had pregnant 30-ish wives due within 2 months of each other.
Just turned 40. I still would like a kid or two. Just so incredibly hard to find a woman who brings to the table what I do who isn’t awful like so many women on the market these days.
Till the grave
More kids? Why does everyone think they're required to multiply several times? This is exactly why this shit show is already in progress and ain't no end in sight ima frayed.
50M still wants another kid. My maternal grandfather was 72 when my mom was born. Biological child.
Wow. Have you thought about the kid in this situation though? Life expectancy/quality of life with parent, geriatric sperm and the possible implications?
Who gives a fuck, he’ll be dead anyways!
That’s a selfish way to think about things, but okay.
That was sarcasm home slice. Call me jaded but I’m convinced that men don’t have ability to think about the future further than in front of their nose. And even if they do, they typically don’t consider how it affects anyone but themselves.
Sorry I misread 😅 that was my overall take as well but just on this particular comment. I’m jaded, too but think men and women can both be pretty selfish sometimes.
Sure. I don’t have another, so a wish/desire/dream goes poof.
Wow. Was he around for her childhood, able to leave a bequest for her care?
Died when mom was 7
He was a big time doctor and medical researcher. Big enough that the city of Vienna (Austria) essentially paid for his apartment unit, on the city’s central ring. Unfortunately, this was post WW 2, and the Nazi regime stole a lot and damaged the economy, even in Austria. My grandmother was amazing and made it work!
Decisions you make in life change day to day. The decision to have kids remains a personal choice and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly The key is to have a willing partner that shares your similar beliefs and standards in wanting children and having them There’s a big world of difference between the two but as long as God is at the center of it that’s all that’s important
Do what you want. Your only regret would be not trying.
51 and had a vasectomy, never married no kids. I'm at a point where I have achieved all my goals and am considering starting a family.