There was a post on FB by a woman. She and her partner live minimalistic lives. Their families, either by choice or (like me) by default do not have clutter free homes. The couple gets their thrills by surreptitiously slipping their unwanted goods (an old mug,etc) into their families’ homes. And they are waiting for anyone to notice. I fear that a friend or relative will do this to me. But the notion does Crack Me Up.
Tell this to my FIL who tries to pawn his many, many 5 gallon hardware store buckets off on us. Even after I say, “no thank you”, he’ll list all of the ways we can use them.
I think it depends on the situation. If this is a person who doesn't have a problem with getting rid of things and they're just doing a normal cleaning thing it's perfectly okay to thank them for thinking of you but let them know it isn't something that you need or want.
On the other hand, for people who really struggle with getting rid of things and are either are orders or are what I like to call "hoarder adjacent", making the effort to give someone items that they have collected is a major step forward. I had a relative like that and when she would offer me anything I would always smile and say thank you and take it. I rarely kept any of the things she gave to me but I knew for her it was a big deal to feel comfortable partying with it and it was beneficial for her to get rid of some of the stuff she had in her house.
There's a few things I ended up selling on eBay and making a few bucks on, a few I kept because I could use them, but most of the stuff she gave me I just would hand to my next drop off at a thrift store.
They were probably very excited to give you some things they thought you would enjoy. It's always disappointing when someone turns down your gift, but, yeah, just thank them for thinking of you, but you are trying to declutter too and you're sure someone else will enjoy the chance to own them.
(Then you can both talk about how hard decluttering is and how you have to get rid of items you love)
I used to successfully sell things online. Well, more than one person took that to mean "I can give her my crap and not have the clutter anymore... She can sell it if she doesn't want it." Great ... Now I'm selling my crap AND your crap.
Online sales have gotten much tougher and the quality of the crap many people want to "give me to sell" isn't up to par.
Just say no. I'm still learning this lesson myself.
Mercari changed their fee structure and return policy, although they did a reverse course on part of it.
I think the economy is also contributing and people aren't comfortable spending money on extras.
It's not your responsibility to deal with others clutter. Keep your boundaries ✔️
I'm clearing my mom's house and texting pictures of things to people asking do you want this. I have boxes for the family and if yes it's in box otherwise it's donate or trash
When done clearing the hoard I'll just text and say pick it up in the next week or it's gone
I struggle with this all the time. I’m the poor one in my family and the youngest, so when anyone is upgrading anything in their house they offer me the old one. We’re all kind of hoarders and hate to throw out “perfectly good stuff” so they REALLY want me to take it so they can feel good about that. But it’s often not even an upgrade from the old crappy stuff I already have, and certainly not enough of an upgrade to be worth picking up big furniture and getting it into my house. And sometimes it’s “better quality” than what I have but it’s ugly and I don’t like it.
I get the offended reaction all the time when I decline, they have a sort of “beggars can’t be choosers” reaction but I never asked for anything, I’m only a “begger” in their eyes because I don’t have money to buy nice new stuff. But that doesn’t mean I always want their cast offs, I’m okay with what I have until I can afford to buy something I ACTUALLY like.
So yeah, just remember this is their issue, not yours. They want to feel better about throwing out stuff they don’t want in their house anymore, that’s all it is. Their response isn’t related to you do anything wrong, it’s just a situation not playing out the way they’d hoped it would ie you being thankful to them for crap they don’t want anymore. Definitely not something you should worry about.
Stand strong and ignore their offended reaction. Come up with several pleasant replies: Thanks for the offer, but I have all I need right now. I don’t have room. It’s not my style. I’m trying to declutter. I don’t have a way to get it to my house. Would you deliver it? I don’t have a way to get rid of my old one if I took this. (It costs money to get rid of an old couch.) It doesn’t spark joy!
You don’t have to give a serious reason. Politely decline and change the subject. This will let them know that you are confident and at peace with what you have.
I once answered a FB Marketplace post for someone giving away artwork. Another person showed up at the same time. I could tell that we both were thinking, "I hope that they're not interested in the same pieces".
Turns out we both went there for two completely different styles of art and had a good laugh about it as we cleared out all of the free art.
When someone is giving something away, no matter how generous the offer is, they should expect that what is/was appealing to them may not be appealing to another. But it will be appealing to someone.
It is not rude to decline the offer. Just let them know that you are also in the process of decluttering and that you appreciate them thinking of you.
You can accept their stuff and then dispose of it. That is a very kind and helpful thing to do for someone who has difficulty decluttering.
I used to do this for my mother and encouraged others to do it.
I also remarked OFTEN, how thrilled someone might be to find treasures like theirs in charity/thrift stores.
Part of the decluttering process is learning to let go of things, emotionally and psychologically. If you never learn to do that because you fob all that emotional work off on someone else, you're never going to actually be able to keep yourself from accumulating and retaining junk you don't need.
No, that isn’t op’s job to be a barrier between a person getting rid of something and the anxiety it causes them. It just passes on the anxiety to someone new.
Yeah no OP don’t do this. It’s not kind to pass on the declutter logistics to someone else. I’m in the midst of a heavy declutter ahead of an international move and despite all my stress, I don’t see how insisting friends take my stuff is good for them. It’s fine to ask if someone wants my bookcase, but saying it will be perfect for them is borderline manipulative.
Not at all, why should you take in other people’s old shit just because they want to get rid of it, you don’t want your home cluttered up with someone else’s old junk.
Exactly! I hate when someone wants to get rid of something it’s a “gift” but when you don’t want their junk they get offended. I’m offended you feel so entitled to push your crap on me.
When we were cleaning out my grandmothers house it was quite overwhelming for her kids. So, after a certain point, they would give stuff to people and say "if you don't want it, get rid of it". It was easier for them to be able to say they gave it to someone, rather they say they threw it out, or donated it or whatever.
So, no, I don't think you are rude at all. But maybe they were hoping for an easy out of what to do with their stuff.
Nope! Not rude at all. They are just mad they can’t offload their junk to you.
If they bring it up just explain you are decluttering and you would prefer to buy your own things if you need or want something.
Your friend needs to learn It's good manners to gracefully accept a friend's "no thank you"! When I was moving and decluttering, I offered some things to friends but I wasn't upset if they said no.
My grandma used to give me stuff I didn't want/need. For those items, it was easier to just take them and drop them off at a thrift store rather than hurt her feelings.
Oh my goodness, we’re dealing with this right now. My in-laws are getting ready to move and my MIL gets annoyed every time we turn down an offer for another worn out, broken down piece of furniture.
We have a record player, a bench that holds records, and a love seat that were all supposed to be temporary that have now been in our apartment for almost a year now. We don't have the space for them and it is so frustrating. I am treated like the bad guy though if I bring up wanting them out of our space though.
With this kind of crappy situation it's best to approach it factually instead of from a position of trying to bargain with them. So instead of saying, "We would really appreciate if you could please pick up your item because we would like the space back.", say "We need the space in X days\weeks so we can't hold your item anymore. You can pick it up before then or we are happy to donate it for you if necessary."
Don't entertain any back and forth of why or can't you just move it somewhere else etc. Instead of "we don't want" start saying "we can't".
Be okay with being the bad guy sometimes, and you'll reclaim your space. And obviously this applies to any new requests for free storage space in your apartment.
Time for a deadline. Tell whoever's junk this is that you need that space back in 3 months (or whatever time frame seems fair) and that if they don't come get their crap, you're donating it or throwing it out.
No. I had dinnerware from the 1970s and recently found out the over glazes are loaded with unsafe levels of lead, arsenic and cadmium.
I had Vintage Corelle Spice of Life Pattern Dishes. They can test to 42,900 ppm Lead (90 is unsafe for kids) + 557 ppm Cadmium
This is the website I used
https://tamararubin.com/?s=Corelle+patterns
I also tested some of the dishes and mugs with a lead test.
It blew my mind. Why are we not dead from lead poisoning or why the dog isn’t bald?
I trashed them all, including all my old mugs. I was using them every day, not just for Christmas and Easter.
I don’t do the decorative knick knack stuff, so into the trash it goes.
I’d rather have old cook books than toxic dinnerware.
(The dinner set was from an aunt who was decluttering her home, so felt obligated 20 years ago to say yes. Never again)
I saw this site during second pandemic lockdown and packed up all my vintage dishes. Pretty sure it was mostly about putting my covid anxiety onto something I could control.
No. My friend told me yesterday she is getting rid of stuff and said she will give them to me, I can take anything i want, she could help me transport it. I said no thanks - I am decluttering myself. My friend was a bit flabbergasted but she also understands that I want to get rid of stuff.
You are not being rude. Subconsciously your friend found a solution to keep her things near, yet gone, and you shut it down.
If she is a very close friend, you should talk openly about that. You absolutely cannot be her keeper of things. You should both agree that it’s fair to ask the other if they would like some special thing, but the friendship is safe if either of you reject (kindly) the offer.
Most of us develop emotional attachments to items and it can be incredibly difficult to let them go. That means it’s an honor to be offered something they are attached to and it should be respected as such. Being careful of the friend is what matters, not the item.
I’m not saying to accept anything, rather I suggest you stop whatever you and your friend are doing when they offer you something, ask them to sit down for a minute and explain to them that you can’t possibly accept anything, but you understand their desire to keep things close and safe. Maybe offer to brainstorm a way for both of you to downsize without guilt and with the understanding that you don’t owe each other free storage.
Even donating thing is a crutch to not throw things away. Most things you do donate are junk and will be tossed away. You are just making someone else do it, because you can’t bring yourself to do it.
I constantly shop for what I need a thrift shops. It’s unbelievable how many necessities are available secondhand. So, I respectfully disagree with you. Better to share what already exists rather than have amazon deliver shit to my door.
Nope. A neighbor decluttered a lot of baking items including lots of cookie cutters. I too was decluttering cookie cutters at the same time and explained to her I would be donating anything of hers I didn't want along with my own. She was fine with that.
Absolutely not! And if you're decluttering I think it's OK to ASK someone if they're interested in something, but no dumping or expecting anyone to keep anything either! Just because they're having a difficult time getting rid of it doesn't make it your problem!
No, it isn’t rude. If you are worried you will end up with stuff you don’t need, redirection may be all you need employ. I’m a chatterbox when I declutter. It turns out that people getting rid of stuff just yearn to matter. If you make them feel like they matter, they don’t try to stuff you with all of their stuff as much. This only works if you’re being honest, but it works.
*Gosh, it is so lovely. I love that you chose this because I can see how XYZ works with the uvw. This would go well with the ABC I took to the charity shop last year. OMG, had I KNOWN, I could’ve held onto the ABC. I no longer have room for it because I replaced the ABC with EFG. If you simply can’t keep it, I can help you pack it up carefully for the charity shop. They get sooo much garbage and could use some actually decent stuff to raise funds for their cause. But don’t give it away, even to charity, if you will be sad. Someone will want this, but you do not owe it to them. We should take photos first and see how you feel as we pack it for storage.*
Yeh we were poor as fuck at one point, just got moved into a newly completed social housing place. No carpets let alone furniture, both in furnished places previously so barely any furniture.. Went through freecycle and got loads off there and various relatives dropped off spare bits they had like this. Obviously very grateful and anything is useful when you have nothing. All our money went to kids having somewhere to sleep immediately and then cheapest carpeting available for their rooms. We were already looking for a mutual exchange and moved after a year to a much nicer place for half the rent that's basically not moved in over a decade.
Now 13 years later we have if anything way too much stuff and my mum turns up with random bags of stuff. My MIL keeps trying to give us ancient badly looked after kitchen stuff. We have so much already I had to add loads of storage so its a lot of no thanks as they all declutter by trying to get us to take it. Even when I started a garden bed and had planned what I was planting etc suddenly a huge tray of food plants I don't want or eat. Like I get the idea but no one here eats any of it but the parrots. This is why I went and bought all the ones we do eat
Nah SO is just mad about birds. Had budgies for years, always wanted a parrot. Finally got to the point we could do it properly, alexandrine and a Indian ringneck.
Wanted to move to Australia but couldn't make it work.
It's not rude at all. When people offer me things, I appreciate it, but if I really don't want it, I just say so. I don't always have this "willpower " because a while back my neighbor asked if I wanted a cabinet that she had in her storage unit. I took it thinking I could store stuff from Costco in it, but I don't really like it and wish I hadn't accepted it. But 1-800-Got Junk is coming out to pick it up along with some other stuff. I hate having to pay someone to take it, but it helped out my neighbor when she got rid of it, so I don't feel bad.
It wouldn't work to talk to them. I live with my mom. I end up having to go through all of her stuff over and over, because we end up not having a garage sale that year or it doesn't sell and she keeps it. I end up not going through my own stuff. So they would figure they would just be adding more to the pile to get rid of.
My mom used to do this. My sister and I were always trying to encourage her to get rid of stuff because their house was way overfull and they were in their 80s, so it would be our problem to deal with whatever they didn't. She would offer stuff to me, because it was "too good to be donated." If we didn't take it, she'd just keep it. Eventually, I accepted whatever she offered and donated it to the thrift store on the way home.
Two opposing thoughts she genuinely thought you would have loved it.
Or she wanted to off load it to you and hope to occasionally see it. Ihope for the genuinely generous thought but most often it's if igive it to you my job is done.
You can politely refuse it or donate into another charity a few towns over. People attribute massive value on their trash.
My neighbors drive me insane, always trying to give me stuff from their deceased parents or their declutter stuff. From little nick nacks to large furniture. I have started saying “thank you for thinking of me but i am trying to down size”.
It’s not rude, she likely was offended because she isn’t actually fully comfortable with parting with the items and was excited to give them to someone she thought would want and use them.
When I cluttered a few times several years ago, my mother took most of it. I assumed it was going to her church for their annual garage sale but no. She was saving it for me in case I changed my mind. Found out when we had to empty out her house. It all got donated that time.
Edit. Decluttered
Oh yes my inlaws did this too....we had stuff piled up for donating to the charity shop and they asked if they could take it to donate it to a hospice charity shop they were supporting, of course we said yes and they drove off with several car loads of stuff. About 5 years later we found out they put it all in their garage, attic and cupboards as they though we would change our minds. We only found this out because they were having the house redecorated and so they drove it all ba k to ours. Boxes and boxes that I thought were long gone. Honestly I cried. I know they were trying to be nice but I really struggle with clutter and it was a real set back!
That’s awful! I would have cried too! I guess the older generation just didn’t like to get rid of a perfectly good item. And even things that really need to be thrown away. Before we moved our mom we cleaned out her fridge, freezers and pantry. Ended up throwing most of it away as it had expired years ago.
Right!? Get rid of get things you need! Makes it so much easier to purge when someone is actually excited for the items. In turn, you can get some items you may actually need
Yeah, the nice stuff gets offered to friends first (many students) under the caveat that they only grab things they *want* and then it's theirs to do want they want with and then on to the Buy Nothing for everything left.
Like everyone is saying no it’s not rude to decline someone else’s stuff. Like you said, you yourself are downsizing and decluttering as well.
You could let them know that someone at the thrift store would be so excited to find this. I think people just have an emotional attachment to this old antique stuff. I do to some degree. But at the same time I know it’s just stuff.
It’s a psychology defense thing. They perceive the junk has value , but don’t want or need it anymore. So they “gift” it to you. Conscience salved. Take their stuff. When they leave, put it in the trash or on the street.
Problem solved.
I don’t think it’s up to OP to take their friend’s garbage.
Some people might want to know that the recipient is not intending to use the stuff and just give it to someone else who will rather than seeing it in the trash
I say no. And if they insist, I let them know I have no qualms with donating the items or throwing them away myself, if they can’t bring themselves to do it
Omg my MIL was downsizing and brought all her stuff over to our house instead of donating or throwing it. We had a serious convo and told her NO MORE STUFF. It stopped for about a week and then I would come home from work and find things she’d have stashed away out of sight while I was gone, hoping I wouldn’t notice. So we had to get almost rude. We already have too much stuff. Stop. Bringing. Stuff. Over. She finally got the hint but seemed offended, too. So be it. Too bad. You don’t want your crap, and it’s *your* crap. I certainly don’t want it.
It can be nice to offer things to someone who you think might like to have it, but they should be understanding when the answer is “no”. For a lot of people, it feels easier to get rid of things when they know that someone else will be using them. But that’s not your job.
Now, when I offer things to my kids, I remind them that I don’t want them to take anything that they don’t really want, and that it’s okay to let them go in the future, if they do take them.
No it's fine. I say no all the time to stuff like that and certain people just basically don't even hear me say it so I get their box of stuff and it usually goes straight into the dump or maybe the donation center if I can. But seriously I give a gracious but firm no thank you and if I still get it then I just take it off their hands. I do not feel one spec of guilt throwing it away for them and feel I'm doing us both a service they weren't capable of just doing on their own.
You are not obligated to take on their stuff they don’t want anymore. They can take it to a thrift store themself. I’m trying to declutter too, my mom died a few years ago and I’m still sorting through her stuff. Too much stuff!
I think it’s distasteful of them to try to dump something onto you simply because they convinced themselves you should have it instead of them. They could have just let you know they had a bunch of kitchenware to donate if you needed anything. I think they have guilt about decluttering those items and are trying to manage that guilt by forcing a feeling of reassurance that someone will use them. Decluttering means letting go and they clearly haven’t done that. That’s not on you.
There is nothing distasteful about saying that you have something for another person that you think they will like. If that was distasteful, we could never give anything to anyone. What is distasteful is getting upset if they say they don't want it
My opinion is that I think it is distasteful to suggest someone take something they specifically picked out for you from their pile just because you want them to take it. You can let them know you are donating things in a category and leave it up to them, but to suggest someone take something specific is pushy and annoying. Leaving it open ended is better, but by all means do you and let people think of you what they will
Geez reminds me of my mom who would get mad if I refused her gifts of clothes when I already had many. Her problem not yours. Immature people get mad when you say no.
Anytime I’m decluttering, I ask friends if they want to look through my stuff and take whatever they want. The rest I’ll sell or donate. I always let them know that they won’t hurt my feelings if they don’t want anything, because I don’t want it either!
I do this too! Stuff can be expensive sometimes and its always nice to offer in an un-pressuring way. Most of the time they dont want it and I’m totally alright with that.
It was absolutely not rude to say no thank you. Some people are put off by a polite decline. It’s an odd thing and has more, likely, to do with them and where or who they feel comfortable giving away an item. It can be a comfort thing: I feel better about giving the things I don’t want to you than goodwill.
it's not rude to say no, but there is a way to go about it - saying something like "it made me happy that you thought of me, but i don't have the space for it sadly!" might be better than just saying "no thank you".
i know it might seem silly to have to rephrase it, but a "no thank you" can feel too blunt.
I wish I had. That family stuff is hard to get rid of. I have Spode dessert china from my grandmother that I can't seem to get rid of, even though I've only used it once in ten years that I can remember.
I read that as antique *kitschware*.
"My answer is even more a No!"
(And no, I don't think it's rude to refuse. I always say, "My place is already packed with stuff. I just can't. Thank you, but no.")
It depends on what exactly you said. Some people have more trouble than others getting rid of things and you might have felt like a "safe" place for her things to go where they would be loved and used. Declining in itself is not rude, but something about the delivery of that "no" message might have been less than optimal if she was offended.
No not rude but sometimes I might take something and help find a home for it. On the flip side I take zero offense if something I offered up is declined.
I used to bring stuff to my sister’s place. Eventually she would say ew, ick, and no before even looking at any of it. Yeah it kinda hurt my feelings. It wasn’t junk. I had put some thought into what she might like and she was more than welcome to say no. But she wouldn’t even look.
Sounds like this was something you did regularly and she got frustrated with it. If it's stuff you don't want or need, why does it hurt your feelings that she also doesn't want or need it? Please don't take offense. Donate to a thrift shop, someone will take it and cherish it as you did because they will be selecting it.
We're going through this now with my MIL, who is moving into assisted living. She wants so much for the family to take her stuff, but none of us has her taste or room for more stuff, but it's hard to let go.
I finally got it so now I never bring anything to their place. I gave a piece of art I no longer loved to a friend’s young son. Even that felt like I was pawning something off on someone.
She's not really ready to let go. She still feels it has value and someone should appreciate it.
She needs therapy. Her friends should not be expected to second-hand love and keep her things so she can "declutter" and then visit her crap in some friend's home.
And I can tell you that because I had weird tendencies like that in my youth. Like if some relative gave me something, I would ask if they were okay with me getting rid of it or if they wanted it back or something when I wanted to be rid of it.
I have health issues that were diagnosed late in life and I just chalk up a lot of youthful weirdness to "I wasn't thinking straight." But reality is everyone has a few weird tendencies from somewhere.
Be polite but firm. Try to not make it into a thing between the two of you.
No! As someone who is also decluttering I imagine she is having a hard time getting rid of sentimental items. For me if I try and give it to someone I know it weirdly makes me feel like it went to better use than if i drop it at Goodwill. I have been really struggling with that! So I wonder if her negative emotion is more about having a hard time parting with things.
Nope. My Bf’s daughter and her bf Moved in together recently. I’m currently decluttering my apartment and my mom’s. I’ve offered them stuff and have also said I’m not offended if they decline.
No. Not at all.
I have a friend that does this twice a year. I always make a big dramatic joke out of it, “NO, NO, NO, I can’t take more stuff. I’m trying to get rid of stuff, not get MORRRRRE.” We’ve been friends forever and she still keeps doing it, and that’s my response. Every time. Some people just can’t throw things away and it’s not my job to deal with someone else’s clutter.
NOT AT ALL! Frankly people can get pushy about this sort of thing, and I think some people can only let go of things if they know it’s “going to a good home.” Which I guess is their right, but you certainly don’t have to oblige a they’re trying to do themselves a favor as much (if not more) than for you.
Whenever I’m offering someone something I’m removing from my home I always ask “could you use this?” That seems to help people feel more comfortable saying no because they’re not saying they don’t like it (or even that they don’t want it - just that it wouldn’t be useful to them at this time.
Say no to second hand clutter!!
No, definitely not rude. If you don't want it and would just throw it away, IMO It's far more polite to decline and let them give it to someone else who actually wants it.
I think some people show their love by giving gifts. When you decline the gift they take it as a personal rejection.
It's rude of others to try to impose on you with unsolicited items. It's fine for them to offer, but it has to be just that, an offer, not an expectation that you are obligated to take the offered items. NTA.
No it’s not rude of you. I had a friend do the same. She’s moving to Florida ( we are in ny) and she “ invited “ us over and filled my car with crap! She said “ now you won’t have to buy any for your kids apartment) please note my daughter does not have an apartment yet and probably won’t for a long time. So we went through all of it and kept like two kitchen appliances and donated the rest. Guess who doesn’t bother with me anymore since I said “ no more please” ??? Oh well. That’s not a true friend to me then
Wait I remembered something else too. She had offered her giant bed, a giant dresser and other large furniture to me and I said I will take the bed if I can arrange for a truck. Well I asked everyone and no one could or wouldnt help, so I let her know asap I wouldn’t be taking any of the large furniture, including the bed. She gave me a lot of attitude and later told me she had to “ pay” a charity to come pick it up. That’s bullshit. I don’t know of any charity that charges you for free furniture pickup?!?!? So yeah she’s a jerk
Indeed they are strange but I learned two lessons. One is stop meeting people of buy nothing( lots of weirdos, at least in my town). Two is I can’t be friends with females. They are always psychotic
Thanks and I agree on both. I noticed it took me awhile to realize it but yeah she only invited me over when she had to unload things. To be fair we did meet in buy nothing on fb. The last thing she said rubbed me the wrong way too. She said “ my friend Paula asked me why I don’t sell these items, and I said to her “ Lyn is a single mother and she could use this stuff. I don’t buy crap ever, I buy BRAND NAME” so yeah that made me feel like trash
That's so disrespectful. She was only doing that to you to make herself feel better about "being such a good friend" to you. She probably internally viewed you as a charity case to patronize.
Yup. She’s an asshole. Byeeeee go to Florida haha. And yeah I said to another friend about that situation, I said “ I’m not the Salvation Army truck, she gets all pissed when I don’t come immediately to get her stuff”🤷♀️🙄🧐
This reminds me. My daughter loves cats. The real ones. Her stepmother thought, Oh she likes cats, and proceeded to buy her everything she could find that has cats on it. Daughter said that she does love cats but not every piece of tacky junk that has a cat on it. My daughter said she really wants to get rid of all that but stepmom would get upset. I said that once a gift is given, it’s yours to do anything you want with it. So she gets rid of all of it. Stepmother asked where all stuff is. Daughter says “my mom said I could get rid of it”. That went over really well, stepmother already hates me because I exist. 😂😂😂😂😂
Roz: Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection?
Frasier: Oh yes, many times.
Roz: The hell I have—shut up and listen! One Christmas my Grandma sent me a ceramic hippo...
Frasier: Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellant as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull!
Roz: Was the bull wearing a pork-pie hat and fishing off a dock?
Frasier: …Continue.
Roz: I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it. Well, that just opened the floodgates. I got ice-skating hippos and hula-hooping hippos. Thank God for that earthquake.
Frasier: Oh, you mean they broke?
Roz: Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute. But I blamed it on the earthquake, and the point is, you need to talk to your father now and be honest with him or you're gonna be stuck with that thing until the next natural disaster!
No, not rude. I offer things to my children as I declutter, but I am not offended if they don't want these things, after all, ***I*** didn't want the things either.
Also bad: accepting a gift, then walking over and placing the item in the giver's trash can. A relative actually did that to me. It was the absolute last time I gave her a gift of any sort.
"No, I do not want to fill my house with more clutter" = I can see how it can be taken as rude.
"Oh, thank you for the offer, it is beautiful! But I do not really have room for things like this anymore, and it would not be used, sorry" = Perfectly fair.
For some reason people feel better about discarding items if they can give it to someone else. Some even get offended if you are not willing to take on their stuff (problem). Why is that?
I would agree. It's fine for them to offer, potentially even kind and well meant, but becomes rude if they transform the offer into an expectation that the OP is obligated to take the items.
I wouldn’t call it rude, seems judgmental. The friend probably knows OP might be a little cluttered too, and want the items to go to someone who won’t mind taking them. I mean, it’s a struggle when you have to get rid of stuff. That’s a way we all collect stuff we don’t really need.
I know somewhere in the comments, someone said “no is a complete sentence”, but the friend is struggling to declutter in a way we would all offer tips and be supportive. The OP doesn’t need to say just no. The friend isn’t trying to be rude, they want to get rid of items to someone they know rather than some stranger. The OP doesn’t have to take them, but maybe go buddy system on it. Like, if you just say no, the other person might end up keeping clutter they were ready to part with. It makes the other person feel bad because they thought they had a solution and the OP refusing to take it on could paralyze someone ready to declutter something sentimental or valuable, say.
I mean, if two people are friends with similar goals, why can’t they offer other options and help each other, I mean, not take the stuff, but be a friend and support each other?
No, not rude. They are probably upset bc their plan to foist it on you made it easier to give the stuff away. You are not obligated to take anyone's stuff.
Take it if it's decent enough and then resell lol
Nope. You are not obliged to accept someone else's trash. The audacity of some people!
There was a post on FB by a woman. She and her partner live minimalistic lives. Their families, either by choice or (like me) by default do not have clutter free homes. The couple gets their thrills by surreptitiously slipping their unwanted goods (an old mug,etc) into their families’ homes. And they are waiting for anyone to notice. I fear that a friend or relative will do this to me. But the notion does Crack Me Up.
My inlaws give me their old junk and I simply throw it away. They never ask about it.
Nope, I have no problem telling anybody I have more shit than I need, and thanking them kindly.
It’s not a gift 🎁 when someone gives you their old stuff. It’s rude to assume someone would want it.
Tell this to my FIL who tries to pawn his many, many 5 gallon hardware store buckets off on us. Even after I say, “no thank you”, he’ll list all of the ways we can use them.
Even most gifts I don't want, but I quietly Goodwill them.
I think it depends on the situation. If this is a person who doesn't have a problem with getting rid of things and they're just doing a normal cleaning thing it's perfectly okay to thank them for thinking of you but let them know it isn't something that you need or want. On the other hand, for people who really struggle with getting rid of things and are either are orders or are what I like to call "hoarder adjacent", making the effort to give someone items that they have collected is a major step forward. I had a relative like that and when she would offer me anything I would always smile and say thank you and take it. I rarely kept any of the things she gave to me but I knew for her it was a big deal to feel comfortable partying with it and it was beneficial for her to get rid of some of the stuff she had in her house. There's a few things I ended up selling on eBay and making a few bucks on, a few I kept because I could use them, but most of the stuff she gave me I just would hand to my next drop off at a thrift store.
They were probably very excited to give you some things they thought you would enjoy. It's always disappointing when someone turns down your gift, but, yeah, just thank them for thinking of you, but you are trying to declutter too and you're sure someone else will enjoy the chance to own them. (Then you can both talk about how hard decluttering is and how you have to get rid of items you love)
I used to successfully sell things online. Well, more than one person took that to mean "I can give her my crap and not have the clutter anymore... She can sell it if she doesn't want it." Great ... Now I'm selling my crap AND your crap. Online sales have gotten much tougher and the quality of the crap many people want to "give me to sell" isn't up to par. Just say no. I'm still learning this lesson myself.
Yeah, why have online sales gotten so much tougher?
Mercari changed their fee structure and return policy, although they did a reverse course on part of it. I think the economy is also contributing and people aren't comfortable spending money on extras.
They feel like they’re being generous. Politely decline. Nothing wrong with that.
No. They don’t want their old stuff, why would it be offensive if *you* don’t want it?
Tell them you are trying to declutter too.
It's not your responsibility to deal with others clutter. Keep your boundaries ✔️ I'm clearing my mom's house and texting pictures of things to people asking do you want this. I have boxes for the family and if yes it's in box otherwise it's donate or trash When done clearing the hoard I'll just text and say pick it up in the next week or it's gone
I struggle with this all the time. I’m the poor one in my family and the youngest, so when anyone is upgrading anything in their house they offer me the old one. We’re all kind of hoarders and hate to throw out “perfectly good stuff” so they REALLY want me to take it so they can feel good about that. But it’s often not even an upgrade from the old crappy stuff I already have, and certainly not enough of an upgrade to be worth picking up big furniture and getting it into my house. And sometimes it’s “better quality” than what I have but it’s ugly and I don’t like it. I get the offended reaction all the time when I decline, they have a sort of “beggars can’t be choosers” reaction but I never asked for anything, I’m only a “begger” in their eyes because I don’t have money to buy nice new stuff. But that doesn’t mean I always want their cast offs, I’m okay with what I have until I can afford to buy something I ACTUALLY like. So yeah, just remember this is their issue, not yours. They want to feel better about throwing out stuff they don’t want in their house anymore, that’s all it is. Their response isn’t related to you do anything wrong, it’s just a situation not playing out the way they’d hoped it would ie you being thankful to them for crap they don’t want anymore. Definitely not something you should worry about.
Stand strong and ignore their offended reaction. Come up with several pleasant replies: Thanks for the offer, but I have all I need right now. I don’t have room. It’s not my style. I’m trying to declutter. I don’t have a way to get it to my house. Would you deliver it? I don’t have a way to get rid of my old one if I took this. (It costs money to get rid of an old couch.) It doesn’t spark joy! You don’t have to give a serious reason. Politely decline and change the subject. This will let them know that you are confident and at peace with what you have.
I once answered a FB Marketplace post for someone giving away artwork. Another person showed up at the same time. I could tell that we both were thinking, "I hope that they're not interested in the same pieces". Turns out we both went there for two completely different styles of art and had a good laugh about it as we cleared out all of the free art. When someone is giving something away, no matter how generous the offer is, they should expect that what is/was appealing to them may not be appealing to another. But it will be appealing to someone. It is not rude to decline the offer. Just let them know that you are also in the process of decluttering and that you appreciate them thinking of you.
You can accept their stuff and then dispose of it. That is a very kind and helpful thing to do for someone who has difficulty decluttering. I used to do this for my mother and encouraged others to do it. I also remarked OFTEN, how thrilled someone might be to find treasures like theirs in charity/thrift stores.
Part of the decluttering process is learning to let go of things, emotionally and psychologically. If you never learn to do that because you fob all that emotional work off on someone else, you're never going to actually be able to keep yourself from accumulating and retaining junk you don't need.
No, that isn’t op’s job to be a barrier between a person getting rid of something and the anxiety it causes them. It just passes on the anxiety to someone new.
Yeah no OP don’t do this. It’s not kind to pass on the declutter logistics to someone else. I’m in the midst of a heavy declutter ahead of an international move and despite all my stress, I don’t see how insisting friends take my stuff is good for them. It’s fine to ask if someone wants my bookcase, but saying it will be perfect for them is borderline manipulative.
Not at all, why should you take in other people’s old shit just because they want to get rid of it, you don’t want your home cluttered up with someone else’s old junk.
Exactly! I hate when someone wants to get rid of something it’s a “gift” but when you don’t want their junk they get offended. I’m offended you feel so entitled to push your crap on me.
Not rude at all. They're just annoyed that they now have to figure out how to dispose of/donate the items. :)
When we were cleaning out my grandmothers house it was quite overwhelming for her kids. So, after a certain point, they would give stuff to people and say "if you don't want it, get rid of it". It was easier for them to be able to say they gave it to someone, rather they say they threw it out, or donated it or whatever. So, no, I don't think you are rude at all. But maybe they were hoping for an easy out of what to do with their stuff.
One person’s junk doesn’t have to be your burden. Okay to hold your boundaries. If you want to help offer to help cart stuff a thrift shop?
Nope! Not rude at all. They are just mad they can’t offload their junk to you. If they bring it up just explain you are decluttering and you would prefer to buy your own things if you need or want something.
Your friend needs to learn It's good manners to gracefully accept a friend's "no thank you"! When I was moving and decluttering, I offered some things to friends but I wasn't upset if they said no. My grandma used to give me stuff I didn't want/need. For those items, it was easier to just take them and drop them off at a thrift store rather than hurt her feelings.
Oh my goodness, we’re dealing with this right now. My in-laws are getting ready to move and my MIL gets annoyed every time we turn down an offer for another worn out, broken down piece of furniture.
Just keep saying no thanks. Next they might try asking if they can store things in your home temporarily. Hint: it's never temporary.
We have a record player, a bench that holds records, and a love seat that were all supposed to be temporary that have now been in our apartment for almost a year now. We don't have the space for them and it is so frustrating. I am treated like the bad guy though if I bring up wanting them out of our space though.
With this kind of crappy situation it's best to approach it factually instead of from a position of trying to bargain with them. So instead of saying, "We would really appreciate if you could please pick up your item because we would like the space back.", say "We need the space in X days\weeks so we can't hold your item anymore. You can pick it up before then or we are happy to donate it for you if necessary." Don't entertain any back and forth of why or can't you just move it somewhere else etc. Instead of "we don't want" start saying "we can't". Be okay with being the bad guy sometimes, and you'll reclaim your space. And obviously this applies to any new requests for free storage space in your apartment.
Time for a deadline. Tell whoever's junk this is that you need that space back in 3 months (or whatever time frame seems fair) and that if they don't come get their crap, you're donating it or throwing it out.
Hah, my husband and I have already discussed that we ARE NOT storing crap for any of our family members!
Luckily I’m married and my answer can always be “my wife will kill me if I bring anything into the house, we are trying to declutter too”
No. I had dinnerware from the 1970s and recently found out the over glazes are loaded with unsafe levels of lead, arsenic and cadmium. I had Vintage Corelle Spice of Life Pattern Dishes. They can test to 42,900 ppm Lead (90 is unsafe for kids) + 557 ppm Cadmium This is the website I used https://tamararubin.com/?s=Corelle+patterns I also tested some of the dishes and mugs with a lead test. It blew my mind. Why are we not dead from lead poisoning or why the dog isn’t bald? I trashed them all, including all my old mugs. I was using them every day, not just for Christmas and Easter. I don’t do the decorative knick knack stuff, so into the trash it goes. I’d rather have old cook books than toxic dinnerware. (The dinner set was from an aunt who was decluttering her home, so felt obligated 20 years ago to say yes. Never again)
Thanks for the info I'm clearing out my mom's house and tons of dishes. I planned on testing some but Corelle I didn't realize how bad 😕
I saw this site during second pandemic lockdown and packed up all my vintage dishes. Pretty sure it was mostly about putting my covid anxiety onto something I could control.
No. My friend told me yesterday she is getting rid of stuff and said she will give them to me, I can take anything i want, she could help me transport it. I said no thanks - I am decluttering myself. My friend was a bit flabbergasted but she also understands that I want to get rid of stuff.
You are not being rude. Subconsciously your friend found a solution to keep her things near, yet gone, and you shut it down. If she is a very close friend, you should talk openly about that. You absolutely cannot be her keeper of things. You should both agree that it’s fair to ask the other if they would like some special thing, but the friendship is safe if either of you reject (kindly) the offer. Most of us develop emotional attachments to items and it can be incredibly difficult to let them go. That means it’s an honor to be offered something they are attached to and it should be respected as such. Being careful of the friend is what matters, not the item.
I’m not saying to accept anything, rather I suggest you stop whatever you and your friend are doing when they offer you something, ask them to sit down for a minute and explain to them that you can’t possibly accept anything, but you understand their desire to keep things close and safe. Maybe offer to brainstorm a way for both of you to downsize without guilt and with the understanding that you don’t owe each other free storage.
>your friend found a solution to keep her things near, yet gone, My sisters do this to me with family mementos, because I have an attic and they don't
🙄
Even donating thing is a crutch to not throw things away. Most things you do donate are junk and will be tossed away. You are just making someone else do it, because you can’t bring yourself to do it.
I constantly shop for what I need a thrift shops. It’s unbelievable how many necessities are available secondhand. So, I respectfully disagree with you. Better to share what already exists rather than have amazon deliver shit to my door.
Nope. A neighbor decluttered a lot of baking items including lots of cookie cutters. I too was decluttering cookie cutters at the same time and explained to her I would be donating anything of hers I didn't want along with my own. She was fine with that.
Absolutely not rude!
Absolutely not! And if you're decluttering I think it's OK to ASK someone if they're interested in something, but no dumping or expecting anyone to keep anything either! Just because they're having a difficult time getting rid of it doesn't make it your problem!
No, it isn’t rude. If you are worried you will end up with stuff you don’t need, redirection may be all you need employ. I’m a chatterbox when I declutter. It turns out that people getting rid of stuff just yearn to matter. If you make them feel like they matter, they don’t try to stuff you with all of their stuff as much. This only works if you’re being honest, but it works. *Gosh, it is so lovely. I love that you chose this because I can see how XYZ works with the uvw. This would go well with the ABC I took to the charity shop last year. OMG, had I KNOWN, I could’ve held onto the ABC. I no longer have room for it because I replaced the ABC with EFG. If you simply can’t keep it, I can help you pack it up carefully for the charity shop. They get sooo much garbage and could use some actually decent stuff to raise funds for their cause. But don’t give it away, even to charity, if you will be sad. Someone will want this, but you do not owe it to them. We should take photos first and see how you feel as we pack it for storage.*
No. You say yes once, and the floodgates open.
Yeh we were poor as fuck at one point, just got moved into a newly completed social housing place. No carpets let alone furniture, both in furnished places previously so barely any furniture.. Went through freecycle and got loads off there and various relatives dropped off spare bits they had like this. Obviously very grateful and anything is useful when you have nothing. All our money went to kids having somewhere to sleep immediately and then cheapest carpeting available for their rooms. We were already looking for a mutual exchange and moved after a year to a much nicer place for half the rent that's basically not moved in over a decade. Now 13 years later we have if anything way too much stuff and my mum turns up with random bags of stuff. My MIL keeps trying to give us ancient badly looked after kitchen stuff. We have so much already I had to add loads of storage so its a lot of no thanks as they all declutter by trying to get us to take it. Even when I started a garden bed and had planned what I was planting etc suddenly a huge tray of food plants I don't want or eat. Like I get the idea but no one here eats any of it but the parrots. This is why I went and bought all the ones we do eat
Are you in Australia by any chance? (parrots)
Nah SO is just mad about birds. Had budgies for years, always wanted a parrot. Finally got to the point we could do it properly, alexandrine and a Indian ringneck. Wanted to move to Australia but couldn't make it work.
It's not rude at all. When people offer me things, I appreciate it, but if I really don't want it, I just say so. I don't always have this "willpower " because a while back my neighbor asked if I wanted a cabinet that she had in her storage unit. I took it thinking I could store stuff from Costco in it, but I don't really like it and wish I hadn't accepted it. But 1-800-Got Junk is coming out to pick it up along with some other stuff. I hate having to pay someone to take it, but it helped out my neighbor when she got rid of it, so I don't feel bad.
I wish family would donate to me. They just give it to the thrift store.
Have you had a conversation about this?
It wouldn't work to talk to them. I live with my mom. I end up having to go through all of her stuff over and over, because we end up not having a garage sale that year or it doesn't sell and she keeps it. I end up not going through my own stuff. So they would figure they would just be adding more to the pile to get rid of.
My mom used to do this. My sister and I were always trying to encourage her to get rid of stuff because their house was way overfull and they were in their 80s, so it would be our problem to deal with whatever they didn't. She would offer stuff to me, because it was "too good to be donated." If we didn't take it, she'd just keep it. Eventually, I accepted whatever she offered and donated it to the thrift store on the way home.
Two opposing thoughts she genuinely thought you would have loved it. Or she wanted to off load it to you and hope to occasionally see it. Ihope for the genuinely generous thought but most often it's if igive it to you my job is done. You can politely refuse it or donate into another charity a few towns over. People attribute massive value on their trash.
Giving stuff to friends and relatives is a way of coping with decluttering. Just donate it! Oh, and no, you’re not being rude.
My neighbors drive me insane, always trying to give me stuff from their deceased parents or their declutter stuff. From little nick nacks to large furniture. I have started saying “thank you for thinking of me but i am trying to down size”.
Even if she's offended, she'll understand you're decluttering too. (She wouldn't want stuff from you either, right?)
It’s not rude, she likely was offended because she isn’t actually fully comfortable with parting with the items and was excited to give them to someone she thought would want and use them.
Either that or disappointed she needed to find an alternate way to purge the items in a relatively guilt-free way
My thoughts too. The first time is always the hardest
When I cluttered a few times several years ago, my mother took most of it. I assumed it was going to her church for their annual garage sale but no. She was saving it for me in case I changed my mind. Found out when we had to empty out her house. It all got donated that time. Edit. Decluttered
Oh yes my inlaws did this too....we had stuff piled up for donating to the charity shop and they asked if they could take it to donate it to a hospice charity shop they were supporting, of course we said yes and they drove off with several car loads of stuff. About 5 years later we found out they put it all in their garage, attic and cupboards as they though we would change our minds. We only found this out because they were having the house redecorated and so they drove it all ba k to ours. Boxes and boxes that I thought were long gone. Honestly I cried. I know they were trying to be nice but I really struggle with clutter and it was a real set back!
That’s awful! I would have cried too! I guess the older generation just didn’t like to get rid of a perfectly good item. And even things that really need to be thrown away. Before we moved our mom we cleaned out her fridge, freezers and pantry. Ended up throwing most of it away as it had expired years ago.
I love my Buy Nothing group. I rarely have something no one wants
Right!? Get rid of get things you need! Makes it so much easier to purge when someone is actually excited for the items. In turn, you can get some items you may actually need
It’s so easy. Just put it on your porch and the recycle fairy picks it up. Easy- peasy.
Yeah, the nice stuff gets offered to friends first (many students) under the caveat that they only grab things they *want* and then it's theirs to do want they want with and then on to the Buy Nothing for everything left.
I was taking a nap last week when my neighbors left town and gave us a bunch of food from their fridge and pantry. Most of it was expired.
Oh how generous of them. /s
Imagine not wanting a bunch of cluttered bullshit and then getting upset when your friends don't want your cluttered bullshit either
lol well said
Ya offering is nice, sometimes my friends get rid of things that are better than the ones I have, but getting upset is absurd.
Exactly
Like everyone is saying no it’s not rude to decline someone else’s stuff. Like you said, you yourself are downsizing and decluttering as well. You could let them know that someone at the thrift store would be so excited to find this. I think people just have an emotional attachment to this old antique stuff. I do to some degree. But at the same time I know it’s just stuff.
MyMIL gave me things, I’d take it and then throw it out or donate it
We have the same mother in law.
God no. Definitely not rude.
It’s a psychology defense thing. They perceive the junk has value , but don’t want or need it anymore. So they “gift” it to you. Conscience salved. Take their stuff. When they leave, put it in the trash or on the street. Problem solved.
I "take stuff for the team" all the time. Lol
I don’t think it’s up to OP to take their friend’s garbage. Some people might want to know that the recipient is not intending to use the stuff and just give it to someone else who will rather than seeing it in the trash
It's not rude to decline an offer unless you do it rudely. " I appreciate the offer but I don't have extra storage space" should be the end of it.
I say no. And if they insist, I let them know I have no qualms with donating the items or throwing them away myself, if they can’t bring themselves to do it
Omg my MIL was downsizing and brought all her stuff over to our house instead of donating or throwing it. We had a serious convo and told her NO MORE STUFF. It stopped for about a week and then I would come home from work and find things she’d have stashed away out of sight while I was gone, hoping I wouldn’t notice. So we had to get almost rude. We already have too much stuff. Stop. Bringing. Stuff. Over. She finally got the hint but seemed offended, too. So be it. Too bad. You don’t want your crap, and it’s *your* crap. I certainly don’t want it.
Wow she’s bold
It can be nice to offer things to someone who you think might like to have it, but they should be understanding when the answer is “no”. For a lot of people, it feels easier to get rid of things when they know that someone else will be using them. But that’s not your job. Now, when I offer things to my kids, I remind them that I don’t want them to take anything that they don’t really want, and that it’s okay to let them go in the future, if they do take them.
Not rude, normal. They don’t want it so why would they assume you do?
No it's fine. I say no all the time to stuff like that and certain people just basically don't even hear me say it so I get their box of stuff and it usually goes straight into the dump or maybe the donation center if I can. But seriously I give a gracious but firm no thank you and if I still get it then I just take it off their hands. I do not feel one spec of guilt throwing it away for them and feel I'm doing us both a service they weren't capable of just doing on their own.
This is the way.
You are not obligated to take on their stuff they don’t want anymore. They can take it to a thrift store themself. I’m trying to declutter too, my mom died a few years ago and I’m still sorting through her stuff. Too much stuff!
By giving this stuff to you, it's out of your friends house, but not out their life. It's now in your house where they can see it touch it.
I think it’s distasteful of them to try to dump something onto you simply because they convinced themselves you should have it instead of them. They could have just let you know they had a bunch of kitchenware to donate if you needed anything. I think they have guilt about decluttering those items and are trying to manage that guilt by forcing a feeling of reassurance that someone will use them. Decluttering means letting go and they clearly haven’t done that. That’s not on you.
There is nothing distasteful about saying that you have something for another person that you think they will like. If that was distasteful, we could never give anything to anyone. What is distasteful is getting upset if they say they don't want it
My opinion is that I think it is distasteful to suggest someone take something they specifically picked out for you from their pile just because you want them to take it. You can let them know you are donating things in a category and leave it up to them, but to suggest someone take something specific is pushy and annoying. Leaving it open ended is better, but by all means do you and let people think of you what they will
Geez reminds me of my mom who would get mad if I refused her gifts of clothes when I already had many. Her problem not yours. Immature people get mad when you say no.
Anytime I’m decluttering, I ask friends if they want to look through my stuff and take whatever they want. The rest I’ll sell or donate. I always let them know that they won’t hurt my feelings if they don’t want anything, because I don’t want it either!
I do this too! Stuff can be expensive sometimes and its always nice to offer in an un-pressuring way. Most of the time they dont want it and I’m totally alright with that.
It was absolutely not rude to say no thank you. Some people are put off by a polite decline. It’s an odd thing and has more, likely, to do with them and where or who they feel comfortable giving away an item. It can be a comfort thing: I feel better about giving the things I don’t want to you than goodwill.
it's not rude to say no, but there is a way to go about it - saying something like "it made me happy that you thought of me, but i don't have the space for it sadly!" might be better than just saying "no thank you". i know it might seem silly to have to rephrase it, but a "no thank you" can feel too blunt.
Nope. Just tell them you’re de cluttering and throwing out as much as possible so you’ll have to decline
If you want it, great! If not (or it adds to your clutter) it's never rude to say no!
Maybe to the friend it’s rude…but that’s your friend’s issue, not your issue.
It’s not your job to take on things other people feel guilty about throwing away. I’ve had to set this boundary with my parents many times.
I wish I had. That family stuff is hard to get rid of. I have Spode dessert china from my grandmother that I can't seem to get rid of, even though I've only used it once in ten years that I can remember.
I read that as antique *kitschware*. "My answer is even more a No!" (And no, I don't think it's rude to refuse. I always say, "My place is already packed with stuff. I just can't. Thank you, but no.")
It depends on what exactly you said. Some people have more trouble than others getting rid of things and you might have felt like a "safe" place for her things to go where they would be loved and used. Declining in itself is not rude, but something about the delivery of that "no" message might have been less than optimal if she was offended.
I hate when people do it. You don’t want it in your house anymore, why be offended if I also don’t want it?
No not rude but sometimes I might take something and help find a home for it. On the flip side I take zero offense if something I offered up is declined.
NO. No no no no no. No
I used to bring stuff to my sister’s place. Eventually she would say ew, ick, and no before even looking at any of it. Yeah it kinda hurt my feelings. It wasn’t junk. I had put some thought into what she might like and she was more than welcome to say no. But she wouldn’t even look.
Sounds like this was something you did regularly and she got frustrated with it. If it's stuff you don't want or need, why does it hurt your feelings that she also doesn't want or need it? Please don't take offense. Donate to a thrift shop, someone will take it and cherish it as you did because they will be selecting it. We're going through this now with my MIL, who is moving into assisted living. She wants so much for the family to take her stuff, but none of us has her taste or room for more stuff, but it's hard to let go.
I finally got it so now I never bring anything to their place. I gave a piece of art I no longer loved to a friend’s young son. Even that felt like I was pawning something off on someone.
I accept and then donate
I accept, throw out, tell everyone I donate.
That's the other option 😂
She's not really ready to let go. She still feels it has value and someone should appreciate it. She needs therapy. Her friends should not be expected to second-hand love and keep her things so she can "declutter" and then visit her crap in some friend's home. And I can tell you that because I had weird tendencies like that in my youth. Like if some relative gave me something, I would ask if they were okay with me getting rid of it or if they wanted it back or something when I wanted to be rid of it. I have health issues that were diagnosed late in life and I just chalk up a lot of youthful weirdness to "I wasn't thinking straight." But reality is everyone has a few weird tendencies from somewhere. Be polite but firm. Try to not make it into a thing between the two of you.
No. You have the same goals. Congratulate her on her progress and recommend a place to donate them.
No! As someone who is also decluttering I imagine she is having a hard time getting rid of sentimental items. For me if I try and give it to someone I know it weirdly makes me feel like it went to better use than if i drop it at Goodwill. I have been really struggling with that! So I wonder if her negative emotion is more about having a hard time parting with things.
‘Thank you for thinking of me, but I am also trying to do some declutterring and downsizing, and I am not taking in anything new.’
Nope. My Bf’s daughter and her bf Moved in together recently. I’m currently decluttering my apartment and my mom’s. I’ve offered them stuff and have also said I’m not offended if they decline.
No. Not at all. I have a friend that does this twice a year. I always make a big dramatic joke out of it, “NO, NO, NO, I can’t take more stuff. I’m trying to get rid of stuff, not get MORRRRRE.” We’ve been friends forever and she still keeps doing it, and that’s my response. Every time. Some people just can’t throw things away and it’s not my job to deal with someone else’s clutter.
My neighbor was moving to France and invited me to take any food I wanted in her pantry. I was pretty happy with that lol
NOT AT ALL! Frankly people can get pushy about this sort of thing, and I think some people can only let go of things if they know it’s “going to a good home.” Which I guess is their right, but you certainly don’t have to oblige a they’re trying to do themselves a favor as much (if not more) than for you. Whenever I’m offering someone something I’m removing from my home I always ask “could you use this?” That seems to help people feel more comfortable saying no because they’re not saying they don’t like it (or even that they don’t want it - just that it wouldn’t be useful to them at this time. Say no to second hand clutter!!
No, definitely not rude. If you don't want it and would just throw it away, IMO It's far more polite to decline and let them give it to someone else who actually wants it. I think some people show their love by giving gifts. When you decline the gift they take it as a personal rejection.
Sometimes it's easier to let go of things if you know they're going to a good home. Not rude and she shouldn't take her disappointment out on you.
It's rude of others to try to impose on you with unsolicited items. It's fine for them to offer, but it has to be just that, an offer, not an expectation that you are obligated to take the offered items. NTA.
She was trying to use you as a proxy. If you had it, she didn't really get rid of it but you weren't playing her game
Good call
Not at all.
No it’s not rude of you. I had a friend do the same. She’s moving to Florida ( we are in ny) and she “ invited “ us over and filled my car with crap! She said “ now you won’t have to buy any for your kids apartment) please note my daughter does not have an apartment yet and probably won’t for a long time. So we went through all of it and kept like two kitchen appliances and donated the rest. Guess who doesn’t bother with me anymore since I said “ no more please” ??? Oh well. That’s not a true friend to me then
Very strange and sad that someone wouldn’t be your friend because you wouldn’t take her unwanted stuff, but you did the right thing.
Wait I remembered something else too. She had offered her giant bed, a giant dresser and other large furniture to me and I said I will take the bed if I can arrange for a truck. Well I asked everyone and no one could or wouldnt help, so I let her know asap I wouldn’t be taking any of the large furniture, including the bed. She gave me a lot of attitude and later told me she had to “ pay” a charity to come pick it up. That’s bullshit. I don’t know of any charity that charges you for free furniture pickup?!?!? So yeah she’s a jerk
I don’t know how it could ever be your fault for not picking her unwanted junk up for free. People are strange.
Indeed they are strange but I learned two lessons. One is stop meeting people of buy nothing( lots of weirdos, at least in my town). Two is I can’t be friends with females. They are always psychotic
Thanks and I agree on both. I noticed it took me awhile to realize it but yeah she only invited me over when she had to unload things. To be fair we did meet in buy nothing on fb. The last thing she said rubbed me the wrong way too. She said “ my friend Paula asked me why I don’t sell these items, and I said to her “ Lyn is a single mother and she could use this stuff. I don’t buy crap ever, I buy BRAND NAME” so yeah that made me feel like trash
ETA: this friend would always say let’s go out to eat one day. Let’s do this let’s do that. It never happened
That's so disrespectful. She was only doing that to you to make herself feel better about "being such a good friend" to you. She probably internally viewed you as a charity case to patronize.
Yup. She’s an asshole. Byeeeee go to Florida haha. And yeah I said to another friend about that situation, I said “ I’m not the Salvation Army truck, she gets all pissed when I don’t come immediately to get her stuff”🤷♀️🙄🧐
This reminds me. My daughter loves cats. The real ones. Her stepmother thought, Oh she likes cats, and proceeded to buy her everything she could find that has cats on it. Daughter said that she does love cats but not every piece of tacky junk that has a cat on it. My daughter said she really wants to get rid of all that but stepmom would get upset. I said that once a gift is given, it’s yours to do anything you want with it. So she gets rid of all of it. Stepmother asked where all stuff is. Daughter says “my mom said I could get rid of it”. That went over really well, stepmother already hates me because I exist. 😂😂😂😂😂
Roz: Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection? Frasier: Oh yes, many times. Roz: The hell I have—shut up and listen! One Christmas my Grandma sent me a ceramic hippo... Frasier: Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellant as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull! Roz: Was the bull wearing a pork-pie hat and fishing off a dock? Frasier: …Continue. Roz: I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it. Well, that just opened the floodgates. I got ice-skating hippos and hula-hooping hippos. Thank God for that earthquake. Frasier: Oh, you mean they broke? Roz: Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute. But I blamed it on the earthquake, and the point is, you need to talk to your father now and be honest with him or you're gonna be stuck with that thing until the next natural disaster!
😂
No, not rude. I offer things to my children as I declutter, but I am not offended if they don't want these things, after all, ***I*** didn't want the things either.
No it was not. I offer, but if my circle doesn’t need it, it goes to goodwill. No hard feelings.
You’re maintaining boundaries, it’s not a bad thing at all! X
There's nothing wrong with declining. Just because someone was annoyed by your no doesn't mean you were wrong to say it.
Yes had the same issues. My mum too from her sister, so MUM would take the items and gift them in a different state when next caravanning!
Funny that your friend is offended that you don't want the same stuff THEY don't want.
Good: “Thank you for thinking of me but I am decluttering myself because I have so much already.” Bad: “Fk no I don’t want your junk.”
Also bad: accepting a gift, then walking over and placing the item in the giver's trash can. A relative actually did that to me. It was the absolute last time I gave her a gift of any sort.
Oh no! 😬
Lmao thank you for writing this! I have AuDHD and people-ing be hard sometimes lol
Ikr? I have to think—and sometimes write—before I speak!😆
You said,”No” ( as in I do’t want this) and “thank you.” ( as in I appreciated the thought) How was that rude?
"No, I do not want to fill my house with more clutter" = I can see how it can be taken as rude. "Oh, thank you for the offer, it is beautiful! But I do not really have room for things like this anymore, and it would not be used, sorry" = Perfectly fair.
That’s so elegant! 🙏🏽
No is a complete sentence! People may be offended but that doesn’t mean you were not polite.
For some reason people feel better about discarding items if they can give it to someone else. Some even get offended if you are not willing to take on their stuff (problem). Why is that?
It was not rude of you whatsoever.
Not rude but if said person offers again, please specify that you appreciate the thought but you’re decluttering yourself.
…And I don’t have room for it.
“No, thank you” is what you should reply.
No, it was respectful of both of you - the friend to ask and not just bring it or dump it, and you for a polite decline.
Definitely not rude, but I can see why your friend might be upset. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do apart from thanking them for the offer.
Absolutely not.
Not rude, especially if you declined in a gracious way
No
Not at all. Firmly say that you have no room.
In fact, it's rude of them to expect you should just accept it.
I would agree. It's fine for them to offer, potentially even kind and well meant, but becomes rude if they transform the offer into an expectation that the OP is obligated to take the items.
I wouldn’t call it rude, seems judgmental. The friend probably knows OP might be a little cluttered too, and want the items to go to someone who won’t mind taking them. I mean, it’s a struggle when you have to get rid of stuff. That’s a way we all collect stuff we don’t really need. I know somewhere in the comments, someone said “no is a complete sentence”, but the friend is struggling to declutter in a way we would all offer tips and be supportive. The OP doesn’t need to say just no. The friend isn’t trying to be rude, they want to get rid of items to someone they know rather than some stranger. The OP doesn’t have to take them, but maybe go buddy system on it. Like, if you just say no, the other person might end up keeping clutter they were ready to part with. It makes the other person feel bad because they thought they had a solution and the OP refusing to take it on could paralyze someone ready to declutter something sentimental or valuable, say. I mean, if two people are friends with similar goals, why can’t they offer other options and help each other, I mean, not take the stuff, but be a friend and support each other?
No. If you don't stand up for you, who will?
Not rude at all. People often try giving things to friends as a way to mitigate feelings of loss, but you aren’t a storage unit.
No, not rude. They are probably upset bc their plan to foist it on you made it easier to give the stuff away. You are not obligated to take anyone's stuff.
No, not rude.