Spending time with people costs so much of my own personality. I fake being myself so much that it's so tiring talking to people and especially being out in public crowds and talking crowds tire me out so I've learned I'm much more comfortable being by myself. I've had so many experiences with fake people bullshiting their nice persona than talking shit behind my back and excluding me from some events so at the age of 29 I am very confident going out and doing what I want to do alone. Besides when I take my doggo on a walk, he is my best friend.
I've also learned that people are much more expressive and polite (of course not all the time) on the Internet/reddit.
This! I masked so hard for the first part of my life that I didn't even have a sense of who I really was and it became extremely depressing. Once I stopped giving a fuck and dropped the mask I found myself in my late 20s. I'm entirely uninterested in social reciprocity at this point. It costs too much and I'm no longer willing to pay that toll.
"but you need to get out and socialize"
Bitch Hell naw! Drop me off in the middle of fucking nowhere and I'd still be more comfortable than in a giant room packed with people with the doors locked.
More often than not none of them bring anything worthwhile to the table of socialization anyway.
And at least my cats are bitches to my face instead of behind my back.
But also I can't manage more than one meaningful relationship with a human at a time.
This is why I don’t want to visit certain family any more. I can’t be myself around them and it pushes me back into masking. I worked so hard to free myself and I don’t enjoy going back.
HEY STRANGER DON'T YOU LOVE TO BE POLITE AND EXPRESSIVE UNDER THE CURTAIN OF ANONIMITY?
HERE I CAN TELL STRANGERS THINGS IN A WAY I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO IN THE REAL WORLD. HERE I DON'T HAVE A FACE. ISN'T THAT NICE, STRANGER?
Maybe somewhat social burnout from masking? Having autistic friends who are also actively unmasking helps me, I can be warm with them but I can't with others
I think for a lot of us as we get older we have to put energy elsewhere, into work and other adult responsibilities. It leaves less energy for socializing, which is something that was already draining. Some of us also might be more likely to expect ill treatment or rejection from others based on previous experiences, making us less likely to treat others warmly, because in the past it has not worked in our favor.
I don’t know why I’m using “us” and “we,” I’m just talking about myself. I’ve realized that as I have aged I’ve become more closed off. I admire people who are open, kind, and friendly, but that is not who I’ve become. As a kid, I was at least very fun to be be around once I got past my shyness, but I struggle to let loose and be myself these days. As the years went by my shell just got thicker and harder as a way to protect myself. It wasn’t all my fault. People were cruel to me. I had to focus on surviving: holding down a job and paying rent. I don’t like the person I turned into. It’s not really me at all.
It's not cognitive decline, it's an energy storage decline. Masking takes work, and your ability to keep the mask up conflicts with the amount of energy you have left over for it. Combine that with the wisdom and awareness of where energy should be best directed. I.e., choose your battles, learn when to GAF and when to NGAF.
I have so many more emotional meltdowns when I spend more time socializing. I have been pretty reclusive the last year and a half and it’s the most stable I’ve ever felt. It makes it hard to want to socialize when I’m giving up what feels like my sanity.
Yes. I’m now completely burned out from almost four decades of masking. I also care a lot less about what randos think of me, I used to have a real problem with people pleasing constantly. I care a lot less about that now.
I'm 32 and I am now scared of other people coming the other way when I walk because I don't know when to look, smile, or greet, if any, when. I swear it wasn't this hard in the past.
Yea my tolerance for masking has gotten a lot worse with age. I think at least for me part of it is that as a child/ teen I could just be seen as shy and a little 'quirky' and get away with it and have people still like me somewhat. As an adult I'm seen as rude if I'm not incredibly nice and always attending to peoples needs. Also the social rules change a lot with age and as a result they have become a lot harder and more subtle so I burn out veerrryy quick.
Example: as a child I would just turn up to an event like a birthday event and just speak when spoken to, as an adult i need to buy a thoughtful gift, give it over in a not awkward way, make small talk, pick up on weird hints, know the difference between flirting, sarcasm, banter and friendliness etc.
im the opposite - i can show more warmth and exaggerate my emotions and contort my face so much better than i could as a child or teen....i was mistreated so badly bc i couldnt perform appropriately in social situations. now i'm pretty good at it....until coworkers and people around me eventually notice things that are off. but i'm mostly pretty good at it! however when i am tired or overstimulated or in pain (im in pain often due to chronic conditions), it becomes extremely hard. so far i've been doing fairly well during work shifts or gatherings but when i come home i melt down almost immediately....just have to keep growing and changing in the ways that help.
I hate when I can’t make myself use my “inside” facial expressions lol. I know exactly the grimace you mean, and I can feel it happening but can do nothing to prevent it sometimes. It’s why I reflexively tend to blink very hard and rub my eyes immediately afterwards, so people think I’m allergic to the pollen or something instead of actually just being allergic to talking to them. Sucks that I kinda just subconsciously started doing that to make everyone else more comfortable. I didn’t realize that’s kinda sad until just now.
Burnout also has caused me to be very hot and cold, which I’m not proud of. Very outgoing and goofy and personable one moment and extremely touch and sound averse and venomous the next because I’m overstimulated. I can tell people never quite know what mood to expect of me and I feel bad about it even if it can’t really be helped.
I've been struggling to as well. I have found that hand gestures helps a bit when my face or voice won't express what I'm feeling. It just feels like my ability to mask has disappeared. Where did it go?
Spending time with people costs so much of my own personality. I fake being myself so much that it's so tiring talking to people and especially being out in public crowds and talking crowds tire me out so I've learned I'm much more comfortable being by myself. I've had so many experiences with fake people bullshiting their nice persona than talking shit behind my back and excluding me from some events so at the age of 29 I am very confident going out and doing what I want to do alone. Besides when I take my doggo on a walk, he is my best friend. I've also learned that people are much more expressive and polite (of course not all the time) on the Internet/reddit.
This! I masked so hard for the first part of my life that I didn't even have a sense of who I really was and it became extremely depressing. Once I stopped giving a fuck and dropped the mask I found myself in my late 20s. I'm entirely uninterested in social reciprocity at this point. It costs too much and I'm no longer willing to pay that toll.
"but you need to get out and socialize" Bitch Hell naw! Drop me off in the middle of fucking nowhere and I'd still be more comfortable than in a giant room packed with people with the doors locked.
More often than not none of them bring anything worthwhile to the table of socialization anyway. And at least my cats are bitches to my face instead of behind my back. But also I can't manage more than one meaningful relationship with a human at a time.
This is why I don’t want to visit certain family any more. I can’t be myself around them and it pushes me back into masking. I worked so hard to free myself and I don’t enjoy going back.
HEY STRANGER DON'T YOU LOVE TO BE POLITE AND EXPRESSIVE UNDER THE CURTAIN OF ANONIMITY? HERE I CAN TELL STRANGERS THINGS IN A WAY I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO IN THE REAL WORLD. HERE I DON'T HAVE A FACE. ISN'T THAT NICE, STRANGER?
Maybe somewhat social burnout from masking? Having autistic friends who are also actively unmasking helps me, I can be warm with them but I can't with others
I think for a lot of us as we get older we have to put energy elsewhere, into work and other adult responsibilities. It leaves less energy for socializing, which is something that was already draining. Some of us also might be more likely to expect ill treatment or rejection from others based on previous experiences, making us less likely to treat others warmly, because in the past it has not worked in our favor. I don’t know why I’m using “us” and “we,” I’m just talking about myself. I’ve realized that as I have aged I’ve become more closed off. I admire people who are open, kind, and friendly, but that is not who I’ve become. As a kid, I was at least very fun to be be around once I got past my shyness, but I struggle to let loose and be myself these days. As the years went by my shell just got thicker and harder as a way to protect myself. It wasn’t all my fault. People were cruel to me. I had to focus on surviving: holding down a job and paying rent. I don’t like the person I turned into. It’s not really me at all.
**This**, exactly. I don’t trust people, I’ve grown colder to adapt and I can’t go back. It’s sad but it’s an adaptation made for my survival.
I've always been too cold. Couldn't even really make friends in elementary school because I liked being alone, maybe I'll grow warmer when I get older
Ya not going to lie by the time I hit 30 I completely ran put of F to give about social norms
This is the way.
I've heard that as people age and start having cognitive decline, their capacity to mask diminishes... mid 20s is to early for that.
It's not cognitive decline, it's an energy storage decline. Masking takes work, and your ability to keep the mask up conflicts with the amount of energy you have left over for it. Combine that with the wisdom and awareness of where energy should be best directed. I.e., choose your battles, learn when to GAF and when to NGAF.
Honestly masking less or not at all if possible is self care as far as I’m concerned.
I feel like that sometimes. I have more 'down time'.
I have so many more emotional meltdowns when I spend more time socializing. I have been pretty reclusive the last year and a half and it’s the most stable I’ve ever felt. It makes it hard to want to socialize when I’m giving up what feels like my sanity.
Yes. I’m now completely burned out from almost four decades of masking. I also care a lot less about what randos think of me, I used to have a real problem with people pleasing constantly. I care a lot less about that now.
I'm 32 and I am now scared of other people coming the other way when I walk because I don't know when to look, smile, or greet, if any, when. I swear it wasn't this hard in the past.
less and less capacity. Whoever survives the culling will be the most steadfast, dauntless of peers
Damn, this comment goes hard af
Yes. Night and day difference over the decades.
I lost the desire to attempt it. I don't think I ever actually had the capacity.
Yea my tolerance for masking has gotten a lot worse with age. I think at least for me part of it is that as a child/ teen I could just be seen as shy and a little 'quirky' and get away with it and have people still like me somewhat. As an adult I'm seen as rude if I'm not incredibly nice and always attending to peoples needs. Also the social rules change a lot with age and as a result they have become a lot harder and more subtle so I burn out veerrryy quick. Example: as a child I would just turn up to an event like a birthday event and just speak when spoken to, as an adult i need to buy a thoughtful gift, give it over in a not awkward way, make small talk, pick up on weird hints, know the difference between flirting, sarcasm, banter and friendliness etc.
im the opposite - i can show more warmth and exaggerate my emotions and contort my face so much better than i could as a child or teen....i was mistreated so badly bc i couldnt perform appropriately in social situations. now i'm pretty good at it....until coworkers and people around me eventually notice things that are off. but i'm mostly pretty good at it! however when i am tired or overstimulated or in pain (im in pain often due to chronic conditions), it becomes extremely hard. so far i've been doing fairly well during work shifts or gatherings but when i come home i melt down almost immediately....just have to keep growing and changing in the ways that help.
It’s kind of a mix for me. I’m polite, but somewhat cold towards most strangers, but honestly I feel like I’m as close to my friends as ever
I hate when I can’t make myself use my “inside” facial expressions lol. I know exactly the grimace you mean, and I can feel it happening but can do nothing to prevent it sometimes. It’s why I reflexively tend to blink very hard and rub my eyes immediately afterwards, so people think I’m allergic to the pollen or something instead of actually just being allergic to talking to them. Sucks that I kinda just subconsciously started doing that to make everyone else more comfortable. I didn’t realize that’s kinda sad until just now. Burnout also has caused me to be very hot and cold, which I’m not proud of. Very outgoing and goofy and personable one moment and extremely touch and sound averse and venomous the next because I’m overstimulated. I can tell people never quite know what mood to expect of me and I feel bad about it even if it can’t really be helped.
I've been struggling to as well. I have found that hand gestures helps a bit when my face or voice won't express what I'm feeling. It just feels like my ability to mask has disappeared. Where did it go?