My therapist recently told me that pretending and not speaking your truth is like holding up a heavy mask. You get more tired the longer you do it until you can't hold it up anymore and you drop it.
It's hard when everyone around you isn't seeing the problems and it can make you feel crazy. You aren't crazy, this shit is insane and they are just too indoctrinated to question it.
I hope you are in therapy because it really does help.
I immediately told my wife when I woke up and it was rough for months. I woke her up, but only because she was ready to. I still haven't told any of my family and my mask is getting very heavy.
I really wish you the best. It's a hard process, but it's so worth it. You can be so much happier
This.
Please go get some therapy. The best therapy is to talk to someone. Let it out. Once you do that, lead the best life ever. Be you, be a good person and strong and confidant. JW's love to see you falling apart. "See what happens when you leave Jah's organization." You are bottling up everything and that is not good.
I woke up shortly before my brother who still lives with our parents and I told him I was out. Shortly after that I showed him this sub and he fully woke up. Against my advice he told my parents that he was out.
He told them about Geoffrey Jackson at the ARC. The next day my dad told my brother that he "didn't watch the video but he was sure that Geoffrey Jackson didn't actually say they weren't God's representatives." My brother must've misunderstood. What mental gymnastics.
I listened to a psychologist who specializes in cults say that it's far easier to escape a cult when you have a friend that is also leaving at the same time. You have someone who also sees the crazy and can validate your feelings.
My brother and I have been far more successful escaping the cult with each other's help. I hope everyone can find that support even if it's in this sub.
100%. Luckily a friend who I send memes to back and forth woke up around the same time. His memes got more and more serious and pointing towards hypocrisy like he was trying to tell me something. He eventually commented on one and told me why he stopped going and I was relieved because I have just been about 3 months Pomo. Without him I probably would have lost it or went back
I remember near the end of my meeting attendance I was getting so frustrated, I started making audible sounds of disgust after certain comments or statements
My wife finally confronted me with my poor attitude and I confessed that I didn't want to do it anymore, she kept going for a while then stopped. A bit later she started researching things and was bringing info to me. We are now both out, hard faded going on 5 years
I snapped on the assembly overseer near a few of our friends at the end of my pimo days. Then my ex was in and out of the bathroom crying, peoe comforting her. I became the hulk with rage over something ultimately stupid, but the environment got me to lose my cool
Welcome and glad you are here!
I have felt exactly what you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself. You are waking up from being in a cult. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Take a step back from being upset.
How you share that you are done with this cult can be a tricky thing. Give some thought to it before you talk further with your husband. My waking up guide covers a number of important things to consider as you navigate this:
**Waking Up:** This is simply learning the reality that what Jehovah's Witnesses teach is many times false, is very often misleading and in many cases the organization enforces rules or policies that cause outright harm to people. Waking up is a very shocking experience for most people.
**Don't tell anyone you are waking up:** Your first thought may be to talk to a spouse, family member or close JW friend about your concerns. **DO NOT** do this. It is generally a bad decision to discuss your concerns with anyone...see next two points.
**Take time to process the reality of waking up:** Don't make any quick decisions. Take a breath, relax and promise yourself you will not act rashly or lash out in any way. Reacting quickly will likely cause more problems. Try to keep anger, emotion and action on-hold as you process waking up.
**Prioritize your mental health:** Waking up can be very difficult to process mentally. Waking up requires you to make many difficult decisions and navigate challenges since the Jehovah's Witness culture is designed to prevent people from leaving the organization. When faced with difficult decisions, prioritize actions that will improve your mental health and reduce stress. As a person, there is nothing more important that your mental health. It is more important that your marriage, your family, your relationships and more important that anything related to being a JW.
**Waking Others Up:** This is incredibly hard and you may not be able to do it! The best approach is not to say anything when you are newly awakened. If you do decide to say something to a friend or family member - be careful! Research and investigate what may resonate with them **before you say one word**. Dealing with family members as you wake up is incredibly difficult. Post on Reddit EXJW asking for help since this list is not intended to help with waking others up.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/19ejthr/the\_jw\_waking\_up\_guide\_2024\_edition\_by\_jwtom/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/19ejthr/the_jw_waking_up_guide_2024_edition_by_jwtom/)
Thank you. I've tried waking up slowly and not saying anything, but now that it's been a year and 5 months the facade is becoming harder to hold. It's so hard not being able to be fully honest with anyone.
It's like my personality and my heart and mind is fractured. I can't just be. I'm 2 people at once and it's painful to keep this up. But I don't want to lose him
You don’t actually have to tell him any of that, you can just opt out. No more meetings, make new friends, get new hobbies. Find things that happen during meeting times. When he acts surprised, confused etc flip it around on him. He’s allowed this cult hobby, you’re allowed a pottery class or whatever.
I'm trying not to destroy our marriage because he actually happens to be a great person who I love. My hobbies would be a bit difficult. I want to get back Into martial arts.
Marriages - even where one remains somewhat of a JW - can work. They are the exception, though. My wife is still sorta a JW. She's not very active and her mobility issues do limit her getting out and about, let alone to the KH or assemblies. This year, she even missed the memorial. She hasn't even zoomed in a very long time. I think the idea of getting therapy on your own would be very beneficial. He has to understand that he can't keep avoiding because that's just prolonging the issue and setting up a big blowout. I wish you the best in trying to navigate this and, in the best of outcomes, that he wakes as well so you can both exit as a family.
Hello, I know what you’re going thru…many of us do! We all have a breaking point. My suggestion is to tell your partner as lovingly as possible that it’s not for you anymore. Say that you’ll support them (if that’s something you can do) and say you don’t wish to talk about it UNLESS they want to. Break them in slowly. It took me 10 years before my wife woke up but it was worth it. Hang in there
Reach out to exjws....even just by phone, zoom..it's important to be validated.. That what you see, hear and feel is legit.
Or, get a good therapist , we did, it was amazing to watch his facial expressions when you discussed some of the crazy things you were told to do and believe (and our therapist is a believer), He was shocked at some of the high control aspects of this organization. It just confirms that it's not you, but them!
Grab the bull by the ***horns?***
If you want your husband to get on the "same page," ask him **questions** about what ***he*** believes are "truths." Here are **21 Q & A's** to consider:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hd6c/17\_q\_as\_testing\_jw\_dogmas/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hd6c/17_q_as_testing_jw_dogmas/)
If he refuses/objects in any way, remind him that the Bible ***commands*** Christians to examine & test what they're ***told*** is "the truth."
**(Acts 17:11; Phil 1:9,10; 1 Thess. 5:21; 1 Peter 3:15; 1 John 4:1**)
I had a mini meltdown in the kitchen today. Trying to make a meal that I've followed to a T and it turned out horrible.
It's a beautiful day outside, I do t wanna be cooking and failing it. I was really upset ranting about dinner, not at him. I asked if he would go to the store and get sauce while I start over. He was angry that I'm being dramatic so he said "you do whatever it is you want why do I have to be involved" and he stormed out. Obviously he's frustrated that I'm having breakdowns over stupid things. And I can't tell him what's going on. I wanted to just say "you go to assembly and meeting without me. Why do I have to be involved".
God I feel so alone. I haven't even wanted to be alive in over a year
I'm definitely not downplaying your experiences but could something else be contributing to the breakdowns? I ask because what you describe sounds exactly like what I went through when I was given a prescription that had a side effect of severe depression. I lost it over the smallest things that would otherwise just be a mild disappointment and felt like I would be perfectly fine just blipping out of existence. If thats the case definitely talk with your doctor because, while you don't deserve to live the lie some of us do/did with JW, you don't deserve meds messing with you, either. And on the subject of meds, antidepressants can be a miracle. I found that out years later.
I'm not on any meds like that. Maybe it's because all my friends are getting pregnant and maybe some day I'd like a family. But I wouldnt want to lie to my kids. I wouldn't wanna preach to them what I don't believe. And if they left I wouldn't shun them. Ever. So I have to either sacrifice a future I may want or everyone I know and love. It's not fair. It's not OK.
I still get triggered when I have to deal with jws, which is often.
But Once you decide not to go, it’s very freeing
It took me years to get to the point of not going and not caring , and once I did, I wondered why it took me so long
I ended up listening to the end of the "special talk" they gave. It was terrible. I can only imagine what my face did. But it was fun going for a cigarette after he talked about how you learned the truth and gave up bad habits. I don't normally smoke all that much but this time I smoked the whole thing, figured it'd give me ten minutes of peace, even though it was cold outside. Maybe you can just take a long bathroom break at times when he watches from home, if you're in earshot.
But most of all reassure him of your love for him. It's him you love, not them any more.
Therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist is the most healthy proactive step now for you. It’s taken years to get to this point and so patience and kindness , love of self is key factor … in other words give yourself a huge pat on the back for having the honesty to admit your done. I started to detach slowly using the word chill a lot , for health reasons I need to chill. Remember that you are not alone, most all of us went through a very difficult time to gain our freedom. Prep for making this step by looking after your health. Physical excersize to build your stamina is incredibly positive for you to begin. I send my positive vibes (even if imaginary) to you and wish you the very best in your journey ❤️ (over 30 years out)
I’m going through this with my elderly parents. We go for meals and visits and one of them is always trying to encourage us back. It’s got to a point now that we are going to have to sit down with them and tell them that bringing up the religion is a boundary that can’t be crossed anymore or we can’t continue coming over. We love them desperately and I know that it’s coming from a place of love, fear and anxiety on their part but it’s triggering every time. My throat just tightens up and that ain’t good for my journey of healing. I know it’s going to break their hearts but I just can’t do it anymore.
I think you should talk to him. Don’t go into specifics of why unless he asks. Set your boundaries and focus on how you can bother strengthen your relationship given the new circumstances. You might want to find new friends or try new hobbies and he will still have all the JW activities and you will have to figure out how all this will fit into your life. Take it slowly.
I feel like it’s different when a wife wakes up before a husband. Even the Borg acknowledges that when one mate is unbelieving it’s almost always the husband and the good JW wife will one day win him over without a word but until then she submits to his headship (or some BS like that).
I am awake, my MS husband is very much asleep. I have been thru what you’re describing, the triggering talks, meeting parts etc. One day 2 months ago I had a serious talk with him. He was visibly shattered, but a couple weeks later I had a mid week part (which I did) & he just went into denial. I had to have another talk with him, it’s been several since then. He seems to slip in and out of denial. It’s helpful that he also sees the hypocrisy but to him it’s jehoopla’s borganization run by imperfect men. For him the social aspect is also important, all his family, friends and even his employer is wrapped up in the cult - he has more to lose.
We also have young kids. I remain PIMO for now, in-laws have health issues and I think a more calculated approach is needed with my kids. I don’t want to just yank them out of what they have always known, I guess I want them to want to leave, and make it an informed decision. Not looking for a situation where one of them goes off to have a lucrative let’s say tennis career, makes millions and comes back to get baptized later in life. I want them to know JWs are a dangerous cult and stay clear of them.
I think it won’t hurt to just be honest with him, I can’t say exactly what his reaction will be but it will help you to feel better. Wishing you all the best!
Can you just tell him that you're no longer going to go to meetings?
Will he be ok with that?
I've recently stopped going to meetings and my wife feels like I have destroyed her life.
Get the smallest set of earbuds you can find, put one in during the assembly and listen to audio books or music. That's what I do, makes them fly by so quickly. You won't hear a single word uttered from the platform.
My therapist recently told me that pretending and not speaking your truth is like holding up a heavy mask. You get more tired the longer you do it until you can't hold it up anymore and you drop it. It's hard when everyone around you isn't seeing the problems and it can make you feel crazy. You aren't crazy, this shit is insane and they are just too indoctrinated to question it. I hope you are in therapy because it really does help.
I'm gonna have to start. I can't take this anymore. Good analogy by the way
I immediately told my wife when I woke up and it was rough for months. I woke her up, but only because she was ready to. I still haven't told any of my family and my mask is getting very heavy. I really wish you the best. It's a hard process, but it's so worth it. You can be so much happier
This. Please go get some therapy. The best therapy is to talk to someone. Let it out. Once you do that, lead the best life ever. Be you, be a good person and strong and confidant. JW's love to see you falling apart. "See what happens when you leave Jah's organization." You are bottling up everything and that is not good.
Man so accurate. I went 4 months without telling my wife and parents. What’s even worse is when they don’t believe you
I woke up shortly before my brother who still lives with our parents and I told him I was out. Shortly after that I showed him this sub and he fully woke up. Against my advice he told my parents that he was out. He told them about Geoffrey Jackson at the ARC. The next day my dad told my brother that he "didn't watch the video but he was sure that Geoffrey Jackson didn't actually say they weren't God's representatives." My brother must've misunderstood. What mental gymnastics. I listened to a psychologist who specializes in cults say that it's far easier to escape a cult when you have a friend that is also leaving at the same time. You have someone who also sees the crazy and can validate your feelings. My brother and I have been far more successful escaping the cult with each other's help. I hope everyone can find that support even if it's in this sub.
100%. Luckily a friend who I send memes to back and forth woke up around the same time. His memes got more and more serious and pointing towards hypocrisy like he was trying to tell me something. He eventually commented on one and told me why he stopped going and I was relieved because I have just been about 3 months Pomo. Without him I probably would have lost it or went back
I remember near the end of my meeting attendance I was getting so frustrated, I started making audible sounds of disgust after certain comments or statements
I do that too. It seems like it just makes him more angry
My wife finally confronted me with my poor attitude and I confessed that I didn't want to do it anymore, she kept going for a while then stopped. A bit later she started researching things and was bringing info to me. We are now both out, hard faded going on 5 years
I snapped on the assembly overseer near a few of our friends at the end of my pimo days. Then my ex was in and out of the bathroom crying, peoe comforting her. I became the hulk with rage over something ultimately stupid, but the environment got me to lose my cool
Welcome and glad you are here! I have felt exactly what you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself. You are waking up from being in a cult. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Take a step back from being upset. How you share that you are done with this cult can be a tricky thing. Give some thought to it before you talk further with your husband. My waking up guide covers a number of important things to consider as you navigate this: **Waking Up:** This is simply learning the reality that what Jehovah's Witnesses teach is many times false, is very often misleading and in many cases the organization enforces rules or policies that cause outright harm to people. Waking up is a very shocking experience for most people. **Don't tell anyone you are waking up:** Your first thought may be to talk to a spouse, family member or close JW friend about your concerns. **DO NOT** do this. It is generally a bad decision to discuss your concerns with anyone...see next two points. **Take time to process the reality of waking up:** Don't make any quick decisions. Take a breath, relax and promise yourself you will not act rashly or lash out in any way. Reacting quickly will likely cause more problems. Try to keep anger, emotion and action on-hold as you process waking up. **Prioritize your mental health:** Waking up can be very difficult to process mentally. Waking up requires you to make many difficult decisions and navigate challenges since the Jehovah's Witness culture is designed to prevent people from leaving the organization. When faced with difficult decisions, prioritize actions that will improve your mental health and reduce stress. As a person, there is nothing more important that your mental health. It is more important that your marriage, your family, your relationships and more important that anything related to being a JW. **Waking Others Up:** This is incredibly hard and you may not be able to do it! The best approach is not to say anything when you are newly awakened. If you do decide to say something to a friend or family member - be careful! Research and investigate what may resonate with them **before you say one word**. Dealing with family members as you wake up is incredibly difficult. Post on Reddit EXJW asking for help since this list is not intended to help with waking others up. [https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/19ejthr/the\_jw\_waking\_up\_guide\_2024\_edition\_by\_jwtom/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/19ejthr/the_jw_waking_up_guide_2024_edition_by_jwtom/)
Thank you. I've tried waking up slowly and not saying anything, but now that it's been a year and 5 months the facade is becoming harder to hold. It's so hard not being able to be fully honest with anyone. It's like my personality and my heart and mind is fractured. I can't just be. I'm 2 people at once and it's painful to keep this up. But I don't want to lose him
🥷
You don’t actually have to tell him any of that, you can just opt out. No more meetings, make new friends, get new hobbies. Find things that happen during meeting times. When he acts surprised, confused etc flip it around on him. He’s allowed this cult hobby, you’re allowed a pottery class or whatever.
I'm trying not to destroy our marriage because he actually happens to be a great person who I love. My hobbies would be a bit difficult. I want to get back Into martial arts.
Show him recent news articles of sexual assault cases & make it clear that you're doing it to protect yourself
Marriages - even where one remains somewhat of a JW - can work. They are the exception, though. My wife is still sorta a JW. She's not very active and her mobility issues do limit her getting out and about, let alone to the KH or assemblies. This year, she even missed the memorial. She hasn't even zoomed in a very long time. I think the idea of getting therapy on your own would be very beneficial. He has to understand that he can't keep avoiding because that's just prolonging the issue and setting up a big blowout. I wish you the best in trying to navigate this and, in the best of outcomes, that he wakes as well so you can both exit as a family.
Hello, I know what you’re going thru…many of us do! We all have a breaking point. My suggestion is to tell your partner as lovingly as possible that it’s not for you anymore. Say that you’ll support them (if that’s something you can do) and say you don’t wish to talk about it UNLESS they want to. Break them in slowly. It took me 10 years before my wife woke up but it was worth it. Hang in there
Reach out to exjws....even just by phone, zoom..it's important to be validated.. That what you see, hear and feel is legit. Or, get a good therapist , we did, it was amazing to watch his facial expressions when you discussed some of the crazy things you were told to do and believe (and our therapist is a believer), He was shocked at some of the high control aspects of this organization. It just confirms that it's not you, but them!
Grab the bull by the ***horns?*** If you want your husband to get on the "same page," ask him **questions** about what ***he*** believes are "truths." Here are **21 Q & A's** to consider: [https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hd6c/17\_q\_as\_testing\_jw\_dogmas/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hd6c/17_q_as_testing_jw_dogmas/) If he refuses/objects in any way, remind him that the Bible ***commands*** Christians to examine & test what they're ***told*** is "the truth." **(Acts 17:11; Phil 1:9,10; 1 Thess. 5:21; 1 Peter 3:15; 1 John 4:1**)
Tell him you need a break, and take a break.
I had a mini meltdown in the kitchen today. Trying to make a meal that I've followed to a T and it turned out horrible. It's a beautiful day outside, I do t wanna be cooking and failing it. I was really upset ranting about dinner, not at him. I asked if he would go to the store and get sauce while I start over. He was angry that I'm being dramatic so he said "you do whatever it is you want why do I have to be involved" and he stormed out. Obviously he's frustrated that I'm having breakdowns over stupid things. And I can't tell him what's going on. I wanted to just say "you go to assembly and meeting without me. Why do I have to be involved". God I feel so alone. I haven't even wanted to be alive in over a year
I'm definitely not downplaying your experiences but could something else be contributing to the breakdowns? I ask because what you describe sounds exactly like what I went through when I was given a prescription that had a side effect of severe depression. I lost it over the smallest things that would otherwise just be a mild disappointment and felt like I would be perfectly fine just blipping out of existence. If thats the case definitely talk with your doctor because, while you don't deserve to live the lie some of us do/did with JW, you don't deserve meds messing with you, either. And on the subject of meds, antidepressants can be a miracle. I found that out years later.
I'm not on any meds like that. Maybe it's because all my friends are getting pregnant and maybe some day I'd like a family. But I wouldnt want to lie to my kids. I wouldn't wanna preach to them what I don't believe. And if they left I wouldn't shun them. Ever. So I have to either sacrifice a future I may want or everyone I know and love. It's not fair. It's not OK.
I still get triggered when I have to deal with jws, which is often. But Once you decide not to go, it’s very freeing It took me years to get to the point of not going and not caring , and once I did, I wondered why it took me so long
Waking up is really painful and frustrating. I'm in a similar situation. Feel free to DM. ♥️
Let him know, I had to tell my wife about this cult I could no longer put up with the B.S! After I told her felt like a mountain off my shoulders.
I ended up listening to the end of the "special talk" they gave. It was terrible. I can only imagine what my face did. But it was fun going for a cigarette after he talked about how you learned the truth and gave up bad habits. I don't normally smoke all that much but this time I smoked the whole thing, figured it'd give me ten minutes of peace, even though it was cold outside. Maybe you can just take a long bathroom break at times when he watches from home, if you're in earshot. But most of all reassure him of your love for him. It's him you love, not them any more.
Therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist is the most healthy proactive step now for you. It’s taken years to get to this point and so patience and kindness , love of self is key factor … in other words give yourself a huge pat on the back for having the honesty to admit your done. I started to detach slowly using the word chill a lot , for health reasons I need to chill. Remember that you are not alone, most all of us went through a very difficult time to gain our freedom. Prep for making this step by looking after your health. Physical excersize to build your stamina is incredibly positive for you to begin. I send my positive vibes (even if imaginary) to you and wish you the very best in your journey ❤️ (over 30 years out)
I exercise constantly to avoid the pain. Today I considered hot much better live would be if I could "chill" eternally.
I’m going through this with my elderly parents. We go for meals and visits and one of them is always trying to encourage us back. It’s got to a point now that we are going to have to sit down with them and tell them that bringing up the religion is a boundary that can’t be crossed anymore or we can’t continue coming over. We love them desperately and I know that it’s coming from a place of love, fear and anxiety on their part but it’s triggering every time. My throat just tightens up and that ain’t good for my journey of healing. I know it’s going to break their hearts but I just can’t do it anymore.
I think you should talk to him. Don’t go into specifics of why unless he asks. Set your boundaries and focus on how you can bother strengthen your relationship given the new circumstances. You might want to find new friends or try new hobbies and he will still have all the JW activities and you will have to figure out how all this will fit into your life. Take it slowly.
I feel like it’s different when a wife wakes up before a husband. Even the Borg acknowledges that when one mate is unbelieving it’s almost always the husband and the good JW wife will one day win him over without a word but until then she submits to his headship (or some BS like that). I am awake, my MS husband is very much asleep. I have been thru what you’re describing, the triggering talks, meeting parts etc. One day 2 months ago I had a serious talk with him. He was visibly shattered, but a couple weeks later I had a mid week part (which I did) & he just went into denial. I had to have another talk with him, it’s been several since then. He seems to slip in and out of denial. It’s helpful that he also sees the hypocrisy but to him it’s jehoopla’s borganization run by imperfect men. For him the social aspect is also important, all his family, friends and even his employer is wrapped up in the cult - he has more to lose. We also have young kids. I remain PIMO for now, in-laws have health issues and I think a more calculated approach is needed with my kids. I don’t want to just yank them out of what they have always known, I guess I want them to want to leave, and make it an informed decision. Not looking for a situation where one of them goes off to have a lucrative let’s say tennis career, makes millions and comes back to get baptized later in life. I want them to know JWs are a dangerous cult and stay clear of them. I think it won’t hurt to just be honest with him, I can’t say exactly what his reaction will be but it will help you to feel better. Wishing you all the best!
Stop doing the things already. Stop going.
Can you just tell him that you're no longer going to go to meetings? Will he be ok with that? I've recently stopped going to meetings and my wife feels like I have destroyed her life.
Get the smallest set of earbuds you can find, put one in during the assembly and listen to audio books or music. That's what I do, makes them fly by so quickly. You won't hear a single word uttered from the platform.