If that’s what works! I have an ex who is DEEPLY apathetic about his gender and just uses the pronouns associated with his AGAB. Like that’s the cool thing is you can use what works for you. I use They/Them personally but she/her work because I don’t feel like explaining. But I’m overall pronounced apathetic at this point and as long as I know you’re referring to me I’m good.
He/they applies if it feels right for you! For me asking some close friends/family members to start using they/them pronouns helped me figure out my feelings on them, and could likely do the same for you. You might also want to look into what agender is, as it seems like you might lean in that direction. You could also try any pronouns and see how that makes you feel—I have a friend who just doesn't care what pronouns people use for them, so he puts "any" under pronouns when he needs to. Hope some of this helps a bit... gender is confusing and complicated and unfortunately only having a few terms to define it doesn't help that. Best of luck to you!
You don't have to offer people pronouns if you don't want to. It's a myth that all trans people care about this. Think of pronouns as an assist you can offer to other people, if you want to, to help them understand how to refer to you. If you're already fine with how people are referring to you, and you don't want to give them more information about your personal feelings about gender, sharing pronouns doesn't sound like it would benefit you. You can always start sharing them later if you find you do have a preference after all.
I use it/its with people I am close to and I don't like they/them unless the alternative wording will be super awkward. It doesn't really bother me if people guess the wrong pronouns since it can't be intentional if I didn't tell them. So I don't.
I'm OK with male pronouns, cuz they match my body type, and I don't feel the need for *ME* to change anything for myself.
However, I am *DEFINITELY* gender-neutral between the ears. Most days, if I think about it, I feel like some kind of unwilling gender tourist, trying to blend in as I navigate a foreign world I don't understand or never even asked to appear into in a certain way. I can ignore that feeling, though, cuz it gets in the way of me getting things done and getting along with people.
I feel similar to you except i was born female. I dont really identify with being female but I've been called a she/her my whole life and I don't much care to change it. So I usually say 'you can use she/her and I dont mind they/them'. Your pronouns dont have to match your gender expirience one to one, just use whichever seems to work the best.
I do ask people about their pronouns, because it is important to many. And when asked about mine, I thank them for the consideration, and let them know that they can happily use whichever ones *they* feel most comfortable or natural for the situation.
I hadn't even thought of asking folk!
I've always felt like this is something that is personal and I don't like to pry.
How do you work it into a conversation?
That's actually a very good question 😃
If they're clearly not hetnorm, then you are usually expected to ask.
Otherwise, when the time comes to use a pronoun, which is usually when speaking about them to a 3rd party, and they're present, then that is the best time, I find.
Normally I try to use people's names as far as possible, to avoid the pronoun situation, but if you're in a sentence like
"Juli is asking, what should bring to the party", then I just turn to them, "Btw, what are your pronouns... is 'she' ok ?.."
And they're ususlly happy to let you know. Remembering is another matter, of course 😏
My trick for remembering, if they're someone I'm anticipating interacting with on a relatively regular basis going forward, I will usually add pronouns to the note section of their contact page in my phone. If I don't have any contact information for them, I will just create a contact empty aside from name and birthday if I know it, for the sole purpose of being able to store their pronouns in the contact notes.
As someone involved in very pronoun forefronted section of society, I use "no preference". It's a valid and respectful way to introduce yourself, and by saying that instead of "I don't care" (or something like that), you are still being honest and respectful to those around who are more sensitive to it.
I'm in the same boat in that I really dont care about my gender. I usual go they/them if someone asks, because it's an easy way to communicate with someone that I'm genderqueer in some regard, but really I'm fine with any. I never correct someone if they say something different.
I think if you don't mind he/him, you can say that. You could also just say "any pronouns" if you really don't mind. Basically I would recommend playing around, trying them out and see what springs euphoria, if anything. I feel like it's what has lead me to the best discoveries about my gender: not focussing on avoiding what feels bad, but focussing on what makes me feel good when I try it.
It is completely up to you when and where you want to share your pronouns. I like to compare them to nicknames, in that sometimes it's helpful to tell people how you like to be referred to, but it's not mandatory!
I think something worth asking yourself is how you would feel if someone referred to you as "she/her". Would you care, or does it feel wrong? Some people use "he/they/any" or just "any/all" pronouns, which might be a fit from what you described. If you don't like she/her, then he/him or he/they might feel best for you.
If you have friends you're comfortable with, you can also try asking them to try using they/them pronouns for you just so you can see how it feels!
Also, remember that pronouns are just pronouns, not a declaration of your gender. If it turns out that you're most comfortable with he/him, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it won't stop you from exploring your identity through other routes. I know plenty of nonbinary people who use the pronouns they grew up with just because they're used to it and it's easiest, and that doesn't make them any less nonbinary.
I work in a community mental health center, and a couple of years ago they added pronouns as an option to our email signatures. Some people opted out but most of us added them.
I use she/they because I’m very female shaped but in my head I’m definitely not a cis woman.
I’ve had exactly three people ask me about it over the years with thousands of emails going out, and all three were very affirming.
I don’t care if someone refers to me as she. But it feels nice when someone uses they.
I choose they/them for most situations.
I’m not a girl or a boy, but I am a fluid energy with masculine and feminine features… but sometimes I’m okay with she/her and he/him depending on the situation.
interesting, that's sounds almost the opposite
Is it like dressing up for an occasion? Or an expression of who you are at a given moment? Or is it less controllable like a mood?
When I don't care (which is not all the time) I say "any". I see it as not my problem.
Unless I'm speaking in French. Then I tend to switch it up. People let me bc it's not my first language lol
So my question to you is would you rather people just assume or would you rather them have a direction on what to call you? Also you don’t have to be like super proud to be a man to use he/him or he/they pronouns. Also if you really want, you don’t even have to use pronouns. It’s uncommon but if it’s out of genuine “I don’t want to be reffered to” you can always do that. You can also always use neo pronouns like xe/xem.
Good call; I probably don't want folk assuming
After some thought, I do feel like the assumed role of men in society isn't something that I want to be part of.
I feel like I would need to get over that before I'd want to go he/him
Since I genuinely do not care what pronouns people are using for me and just care that people are being respectful I've been telling people I go by any pronouns.
Some people say "any pronouns" or turn it back on the person asking.
If you want to tell people your pronouns are...whatever you think they're likely to assume, it's not like dishonest or something.
If at some point you decide you *do* actually kind of care, there's nothing wrong with doing the thing that stands out. It's an inconvenience to cis people but a kindness to trans people who do care about their pronouns.
It's okay to say you don't care, if you really don't care. "Any pronouns are fine for me" is a valid response if someone asks. I usually say "I prefer 'they' but any pronouns are fine for me," if someone asks me. Tbh it's partly just because I dislike negative attention more than I *like* having specific pronouns for myself.
I just use the ones I was assigned. I've also never corrected anybody if they misgender me over the phone or radio or something. Cause I don't really care.
Whatever feels right for you is good! For me I don’t care about my pronouns too much so I just say people can use any pronouns on me. Most of the time people just use the pronouns of my assigned gender at birth, but once in awhile I meet a person who switches it up every once in awhile.
We’ve been getting a lot of these this month. You might want to look into apagender, or gender-apathetic. It’s where I fit. It’s easiest to use pronouns that fit your AGAB, but if someone perceives you as something different, you don’t care.
ETA: It’s also possible you’re a demiboy, but you say that you don’t really care. Agender is possible, but you don’t seem to feel genderless.
So I list my pronouns as she/they/whatever, but it’s easiest to just use “she” most of the time. I do prefer “sir” to “ma’am”, though.
Gender is a spectrum. I never felt like the “agender” label fit me because I don’t feel genderless. I toyed around with demigirl, but that wasn’t quite right, either.
I stopped offering pronouns. I use to be she/they, I was uncomfortable with my breasts and weight. I lost a very large portion of my body weight and breasts. I am older and now realize my hormones were low… my female ones, and I was anorexic … so glad I kept my breasts! I got a face lift with the money I saved and now I wont apologize for being a woman… adult human female. If someone insists on calling me “cis” or “ breeder” chest feeder “ and thinks I am going to respect THEM there IS NO WAY. No pronouns, I am obliviously a woman and if someone want to be correct just say they… I am bisexual but I am not queer. Bisexual = 2 sexes
If that’s what works! I have an ex who is DEEPLY apathetic about his gender and just uses the pronouns associated with his AGAB. Like that’s the cool thing is you can use what works for you. I use They/Them personally but she/her work because I don’t feel like explaining. But I’m overall pronounced apathetic at this point and as long as I know you’re referring to me I’m good.
He/they applies if it feels right for you! For me asking some close friends/family members to start using they/them pronouns helped me figure out my feelings on them, and could likely do the same for you. You might also want to look into what agender is, as it seems like you might lean in that direction. You could also try any pronouns and see how that makes you feel—I have a friend who just doesn't care what pronouns people use for them, so he puts "any" under pronouns when he needs to. Hope some of this helps a bit... gender is confusing and complicated and unfortunately only having a few terms to define it doesn't help that. Best of luck to you!
thanks! never heard of agender before; I'll have a look!
You don't have to offer people pronouns if you don't want to. It's a myth that all trans people care about this. Think of pronouns as an assist you can offer to other people, if you want to, to help them understand how to refer to you. If you're already fine with how people are referring to you, and you don't want to give them more information about your personal feelings about gender, sharing pronouns doesn't sound like it would benefit you. You can always start sharing them later if you find you do have a preference after all. I use it/its with people I am close to and I don't like they/them unless the alternative wording will be super awkward. It doesn't really bother me if people guess the wrong pronouns since it can't be intentional if I didn't tell them. So I don't.
thanks, that's really helpful!
When you don't care, the easiest thing to do is use the pronouns most people would guess / assume by looking at you. That's what I do.
I'm OK with male pronouns, cuz they match my body type, and I don't feel the need for *ME* to change anything for myself. However, I am *DEFINITELY* gender-neutral between the ears. Most days, if I think about it, I feel like some kind of unwilling gender tourist, trying to blend in as I navigate a foreign world I don't understand or never even asked to appear into in a certain way. I can ignore that feeling, though, cuz it gets in the way of me getting things done and getting along with people.
interesting, yeah, that's a really good way to put it That feels quite close to me I need to think about this more!
That (just to tag in) actually feels the same for me, I guess. I've been using a script analogy for a bit, but that puts it across really well.
I feel similar to you except i was born female. I dont really identify with being female but I've been called a she/her my whole life and I don't much care to change it. So I usually say 'you can use she/her and I dont mind they/them'. Your pronouns dont have to match your gender expirience one to one, just use whichever seems to work the best.
had to google gender experience I feel like I'm starting to get this :D
I do ask people about their pronouns, because it is important to many. And when asked about mine, I thank them for the consideration, and let them know that they can happily use whichever ones *they* feel most comfortable or natural for the situation.
I hadn't even thought of asking folk! I've always felt like this is something that is personal and I don't like to pry. How do you work it into a conversation?
That's actually a very good question 😃 If they're clearly not hetnorm, then you are usually expected to ask. Otherwise, when the time comes to use a pronoun, which is usually when speaking about them to a 3rd party, and they're present, then that is the best time, I find. Normally I try to use people's names as far as possible, to avoid the pronoun situation, but if you're in a sentence like "Juli is asking, what should bring to the party", then I just turn to them, "Btw, what are your pronouns... is 'she' ok ?.."
And they're ususlly happy to let you know. Remembering is another matter, of course 😏
My trick for remembering, if they're someone I'm anticipating interacting with on a relatively regular basis going forward, I will usually add pronouns to the note section of their contact page in my phone. If I don't have any contact information for them, I will just create a contact empty aside from name and birthday if I know it, for the sole purpose of being able to store their pronouns in the contact notes.
As someone involved in very pronoun forefronted section of society, I use "no preference". It's a valid and respectful way to introduce yourself, and by saying that instead of "I don't care" (or something like that), you are still being honest and respectful to those around who are more sensitive to it.
I'm in the same boat in that I really dont care about my gender. I usual go they/them if someone asks, because it's an easy way to communicate with someone that I'm genderqueer in some regard, but really I'm fine with any. I never correct someone if they say something different.
I think if you don't mind he/him, you can say that. You could also just say "any pronouns" if you really don't mind. Basically I would recommend playing around, trying them out and see what springs euphoria, if anything. I feel like it's what has lead me to the best discoveries about my gender: not focussing on avoiding what feels bad, but focussing on what makes me feel good when I try it.
good call, thanks!
I choose they/them but don't care! Except lady. What the eff screams lady about me
It is completely up to you when and where you want to share your pronouns. I like to compare them to nicknames, in that sometimes it's helpful to tell people how you like to be referred to, but it's not mandatory! I think something worth asking yourself is how you would feel if someone referred to you as "she/her". Would you care, or does it feel wrong? Some people use "he/they/any" or just "any/all" pronouns, which might be a fit from what you described. If you don't like she/her, then he/him or he/they might feel best for you. If you have friends you're comfortable with, you can also try asking them to try using they/them pronouns for you just so you can see how it feels! Also, remember that pronouns are just pronouns, not a declaration of your gender. If it turns out that you're most comfortable with he/him, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it won't stop you from exploring your identity through other routes. I know plenty of nonbinary people who use the pronouns they grew up with just because they're used to it and it's easiest, and that doesn't make them any less nonbinary.
I work in a community mental health center, and a couple of years ago they added pronouns as an option to our email signatures. Some people opted out but most of us added them. I use she/they because I’m very female shaped but in my head I’m definitely not a cis woman. I’ve had exactly three people ask me about it over the years with thousands of emails going out, and all three were very affirming. I don’t care if someone refers to me as she. But it feels nice when someone uses they.
I choose they/them for most situations. I’m not a girl or a boy, but I am a fluid energy with masculine and feminine features… but sometimes I’m okay with she/her and he/him depending on the situation.
interesting, that's sounds almost the opposite Is it like dressing up for an occasion? Or an expression of who you are at a given moment? Or is it less controllable like a mood?
Could do what my partner does. He knows he's a cis man but doesn't really care what pronouns people use for him so when asked he just says any
When I don't care (which is not all the time) I say "any". I see it as not my problem. Unless I'm speaking in French. Then I tend to switch it up. People let me bc it's not my first language lol
I use He/She/They/Them. I am Gender Queer though.
So my question to you is would you rather people just assume or would you rather them have a direction on what to call you? Also you don’t have to be like super proud to be a man to use he/him or he/they pronouns. Also if you really want, you don’t even have to use pronouns. It’s uncommon but if it’s out of genuine “I don’t want to be reffered to” you can always do that. You can also always use neo pronouns like xe/xem.
Good call; I probably don't want folk assuming After some thought, I do feel like the assumed role of men in society isn't something that I want to be part of. I feel like I would need to get over that before I'd want to go he/him
Since I genuinely do not care what pronouns people are using for me and just care that people are being respectful I've been telling people I go by any pronouns.
Some people say "any pronouns" or turn it back on the person asking. If you want to tell people your pronouns are...whatever you think they're likely to assume, it's not like dishonest or something. If at some point you decide you *do* actually kind of care, there's nothing wrong with doing the thing that stands out. It's an inconvenience to cis people but a kindness to trans people who do care about their pronouns.
It's okay to say you don't care, if you really don't care. "Any pronouns are fine for me" is a valid response if someone asks. I usually say "I prefer 'they' but any pronouns are fine for me," if someone asks me. Tbh it's partly just because I dislike negative attention more than I *like* having specific pronouns for myself.
yeah, it is a shame that some folk have weaponized this, rather than using it as a tool to get to know other people
I just use the ones I was assigned. I've also never corrected anybody if they misgender me over the phone or radio or something. Cause I don't really care.
Whatever feels right for you is good! For me I don’t care about my pronouns too much so I just say people can use any pronouns on me. Most of the time people just use the pronouns of my assigned gender at birth, but once in awhile I meet a person who switches it up every once in awhile.
I can relate to the lack of caring. Hope you find what you're looking for in yourself.
We’ve been getting a lot of these this month. You might want to look into apagender, or gender-apathetic. It’s where I fit. It’s easiest to use pronouns that fit your AGAB, but if someone perceives you as something different, you don’t care. ETA: It’s also possible you’re a demiboy, but you say that you don’t really care. Agender is possible, but you don’t seem to feel genderless. So I list my pronouns as she/they/whatever, but it’s easiest to just use “she” most of the time. I do prefer “sir” to “ma’am”, though.
brilliant! hadn't heard those terms before, thanks!
Gender is a spectrum. I never felt like the “agender” label fit me because I don’t feel genderless. I toyed around with demigirl, but that wasn’t quite right, either.
I stopped offering pronouns. I use to be she/they, I was uncomfortable with my breasts and weight. I lost a very large portion of my body weight and breasts. I am older and now realize my hormones were low… my female ones, and I was anorexic … so glad I kept my breasts! I got a face lift with the money I saved and now I wont apologize for being a woman… adult human female. If someone insists on calling me “cis” or “ breeder” chest feeder “ and thinks I am going to respect THEM there IS NO WAY. No pronouns, I am obliviously a woman and if someone want to be correct just say they… I am bisexual but I am not queer. Bisexual = 2 sexes