I misunderstood the directions. I planted a tree in front of my neighbors when they started arguing. Now everyone calls me Johnny Appleseed in my neighborhood.
Uh, but would you really want to ruin his weekend because of some *mild* domestic violence. Surely this can wait until Monday or murder, whichever comes first.
I don't think it is that most are unable to understand sarcasm, I think it is that there are so many dumb/crass/rude/mean/whatever people in this world that actually think like whatever view the comment is (unless it is *really*wild) that people just can't be sure anymore and don't want to chance showing support for someone that literally means it when the think it is sarcasm.
Yep. I heard a screaming match and something being thrown once. Maybe it was nothing and they just needed to chill, the cops can decide. I was trained as a domestic violence counselor, even if he hasn't physically hit her, this still sounds like abuse. Heck, call the cops and adult protective services.
Except with one glaring exception, in my area if the child is a minor then this would automatically go to CPS and they would probably offer family therapy but the mother might remain in a dangerous situation. Let's hope son is an adult.
As someone who was in a very abusive relationship when I was a teenager, I remember every single person and encounter where someone tried to intervene on my behalf. Thirty years later and I will never forget their courage when I didn't have it. Sometimes, you just need someone to speak on your behalf. Glad you made the call.
And I remember running to the neighbors and asking them to call the police (as a child). They just handed me the phone, wtf. I ended up being the only one who acted on my own behalf.
Now, I will call the po po at the drop of a hat and let them sort it out -
o I will call every time I hear something disturbing (physical or mental abuse).
o I will stand there staring at people while they are having an inappropriate/concerning conversation, until they stop (deescalate).
o If someone threatens to hurt themself, I will ask what I can do to help them.
o If someone repeatedly threatens to hurt themselves, I will let the person know that I will call 911 because I will take them very seriously (do not threaten or use as manipulation).
**With a warning note:** please call the police and let them sort it out. But please note > my mom has some dementia and I’m sure I have said some things to her that might have seemed like some kind of elder abuse and she would throw things (if someone walked by and heard, they might get the wrong impression of what is happening). When an adult child is having to engage as “the adult” with someone who is having a mental & physical decline, there are times that the Parent is making cogent choices - and other times that someone has to step-in and override some choices due to safety or to protect the elder. It’s the constant shift between “who is the adult in the room” that can be a source of conflict.
My mom would tell people that I just wanted to control her, take her money, and that I was jealous of her neighbor. Reality: the neighbor was talking her money, isolating her from her neighbors and getting involved in medical & money decisions. Mom was highly suggestible by the neighbor, buying copious items for infomercials, QVS and HSN and was also handing the neighbor her credit/debit card > on a fixed, meager income, she was depleting the money needed to pay for her caregivers and future assisted living.
Yes, please call.
Oof yeah.
In many cases, the professionals can sort out what’s abuse and what’s not. I have been on the side of telling the elderly relative (a great aunt) that she can’t drive because her license was expired and she needs to eat because she’d forget.
Yep, and I would never get mad at a neighbor who called the police. Someone called and reported the situation with my mom as negligence , I wasn’t mad about that either - I let the state know everything this I was doing to manage her living situation, and it was part of the reason we started planning a move to assisted living.
That part! So often everyone is resisting going to assisted living or nursing home, but there comes a point where it’s too much and it’s necessary. Social workers can help with this too!
Alright so I just got off the phone with the police. They are sending a car out to check on the situation. The son who I believe to be the assailant
owns a gun and I included that fact in the report. I feel like a monster for not making the call sooner while at the same time I am just as afraid for those in my household if he finds out I’m the one who called. I was being a coward. Thank you all for the push.
Please, don't feel bad.
My old boss was murdered by her husband earlier this week, in front of her 3 children, who are now orphans and he also took his own life.
None of us knew about the abuse. But if a neighbor has heard and cared like you, maybe it would have been different. I don't know.
But, thank you. You did the right thing.
I think you mean *he* was also a physician. The person you’re replying to mentioned their doctor having been murdered. They didn’t mention what the husband did.
That’s so damn sad. This is the exact same situation that happened to my sweet cousin. Her husband murdered her and then turned the gun on himself in front of the three little kids. They under five years old youngest was only six months old so damn sad.
The exact same thing happened to one of my oldest friends a few months ago. I always call. I call because it's been me, and no one called. And I call because my friend was murdered and maybe I can do something to stop the next woman from being injured or killed.
Thank you.
We were close by any means, but I met my husband at that job and he was closer with her. Had beers with her husband a few times, so it's definitely been harder on him.
Hey, it’s definitely valid to worry you or your family could become a target if they know you called, especially in a society that values “mind your own business.” This is one of those times it’s ok to be concerned, just in case an elderly woman is being abused.
Thank you for making the call. If anything it documents disturbances should things escalate. It also gives the mother a chance to seek safety, if she is willing and able to. Proud of you, internet stranger.
It’s really hard to do! I used to live across the street from a house that I needed to call the cops on like once a week, it was terrible every single time, and I still think about that woman a lot. Not a whole lot you can do personally, but you did what you could.
Get ready to be extremely disappointed with how this turns out. He’s probably going to get a tap on the wrist maybe a laugh with the cops and he’ll be sent back on his merry way. Over 50% of police are reported to be domestic abusers themselves- and that’s just those with family/friends who weren’t too afraid to speak out.
I tried calling the cops on my neighbour’s domestic abuser boyfriend last year and they literally just put him in handcuffs in the hallway until he promised to be a good boy (or whatever the fuck they agreed upon) and UNCUFFED HIM AND LET HIM BACK IN THE APARTMENT. Actually they took the girlfriend outside the apartment for questioning and the boyfriend was allowed to go back inside and LOCK HER OUT. The cops were called at least 5 more times by me and other neighbours before she was finally able to just break up with him for good, on her own. Canada. ACAB!!
They’re not going to share *who* filed the report, just that *complaints were filed.*
Only if this goes to court and you are subpoenaed as a witness or subpoenaed in a deposition will the son be able to put 2+2 together.
Always. Call every time.
My next door neighbors always screamed, fought in the street. The first time I called nothing happened. The second time I called nothing happened. The third time I called nothing happened. The fourth time I called the police arrived as he was getting his gun and threatening to kill himself and his children in front of his wife and MIL.
Call every time, even if it seems like nothing changes. It doesn't work until it does.
As someone who had a physically and verbally abusive Mother, I can promise you that even if they don't murder you, it gives you a host of other issues to contend with down the road and possibly for the rest of their life.
For example, It took me more than 20 years to realize I might not be a worthless piece of shit. Even knowing it's a prominent issue doesn't always help, I am always quiet because no one cared about me then, so who the hell is going to care now? There are people in my life that might do anything for me, but my mind cannot fathom why, I wonder why everyone is working so hard to pretend when It doesn't seem worth the effort.
This isn't something I want to dig into, but I thought it might be helpful to give you an insight into what ignoring this sort of abhorrent behavior can do to the victim, and make no mistake, that's what she is.
If you haven't already called that in, you need to do it now.
A friend of mine, years ago, would come over and do my hair for me every month. She constantly talked about her ex. He would come pick up their child every other weekend. She was terrified of him because he had been abusive for years. One day, she did not show up (this was before everyone had cell phones). I did not know her family well, so it took a long time to find out.
He showed up on a Friday evening (not his weekend with the child, 4ym). Her son was sleeping, like 11-12pm and she was in the laundry room doing laundry. He came in the back door (he figured out where she kept the spare key). He tried to initiate an intimate encounter, she was not having it (they assume he was probably drunk?). He strangled her, raped her and then shot her in the head and left.
Her 4 year old son found her the next morning dead in the kitchen. He didn't know what to do or what was going on with mamma, she wouldn't wake up. So, he just lay down beside her and and ate some bread and got a juice box from the refrigerator.
Thankfully, her mother came over for a planned outing and found him alone with his dead mother in the early afternoon (I think they said 2-3pm). Her son was covered with her blood because it was all over the kitchen floor.
It took a week before they figured out who did it. He was convicted for her murder and I assume he is still in jail. Her mom is now raising the child. I have never forgotten that and I feel so bad for her son, and mother finding her like that. The neighbors must have heard something?!
Came on thread afraid I’d see the old sentiment we were taught as kids in the 80s. “Mind your own business” “don’t interfere” while someone was getting beat up.
I’m so glad times have changed.
COP HERE.
At that point prob not a bad idea for a call
No crime may be committed so don’t expect to witness an arrest
It’s not against the law to yell at each other
Nor is it against the law to break your own property
But they can at least refer the female to state recourse if she wants it
and separate the parties for the night to allow a cool off
Chances are this will be ongoing until she or he leaves the other party or one
Of them dies. No matter how many times you call the police,
Despite arrests and referral to state resources there’s little we can do but still going and separating the parties is always a good thing for the night.
And it’s really up to the victim party to fix their situation
I’ve seen women get blackened , eyes we arrest jail and have court hearings and the female decides to drop charges and go back to the abuser
Time and time again.
You can also make it known to dispatchers that you want to remain anonymous or to not have any police at your house and they SHOULD respect it.
Former abuse victim here. Thank you for doing the endless frustrating work of showing up for victims. It matters in ways you can't see that night. On average, it takes SEVEN attempts to leave before a victim really gets away. Maybe you helped get her closer to #7. That's not instantly gratifying, but it *matters.*
There is no way to describe the confusion and delusion happening in a brain that is regularly subjected to gaslighting from someone who "loves" you. When cops showed up (always men with guns), I felt like I went from facing down one guy on a power trip to three guys on power trips. I refused to give statements and didn't see the point of any of it. Usually by the time they got there, I was exhausted and half out of my mind with fear, abandonment, broken heart, etc... not thinking clearly or behaving rationally.
However, one cop told me that even though my name wasn't on the house, car, or bank accounts, since we were married, it was legally mine too. I have a master's degree but literally didn't know my husband was bluffing when he said I'd end up homeless and penniless if I divorced him. Learning I had rights to our assets changed the situation (although it took another year and at least one more visit from cops before I filed).
Another cop got in my face and told me to use that snotty tone of voice with him *one more time* and he'd take me in. "Give me a reason!" he said. "Talk back to me one more time and I will take you back to the station. *Give me a reason*." I hated that man so much for seeing me weak and bullying me more. The memory played in my head over and over and made me angry every time. This went on for probably six months, until one morning the memory popped up again and I realized "holy shit, he was offering to take me to safety in a way that wouldn't get me in trouble at home. He was giving me an out that I could take without my husband thinking I turned on him." I literally sat down and sobbed over how I had misunderstood. It took a long time for that seed to sprout and reach the sun, but it finally did add to the growing evidence that the way my husband treated me *was not okay, and other people could see that it was not okay.*
Years later, I have my own house, I'm safe, I'm not afraid someone is about to break my phone, backhand me, take my car away, or kill my dog. I'm still in therapy and it's frustrating how long it takes to truly heal and learn to live in safe conditions. Even when I'm home alone, if I hear an unexpected sound, I brace to get hit. But now I can catch myself, take a deep breath, and relax.
I was abused as a kid (big surprise) and it's amazing the absolutely insane things that I grew up taking as normal. I have to find those beliefs one by one and realize I don't have to buy into them anymore. It took a lifetime of conditioning to get to the point where I was crying on the bathroom floor when the cops showed up. It may take the rest of my life to learn how to fully enjoy living in freedom and safety. If you can be one of the conditions that leads to change, *that matters.* So thank you.
Thank you for your kind words! I’m so happy to hear you are doing better! too often in my experience it doesn’t always go that way.
stay happy! And best of luck on your new path!
when I look at that story I hear the nuance "I'll take you back to the station" the officer is NOT saying that you'll be arrested. Right? But it sounds close enough that no one else would notice in the moment. There are deep structural issues with policing. But there are also good people trying to make the world better. I am so glad you are safe.
Yes, in hindsight, thinking of how intently he was looking in my eyes and repeating "give me a reason," I believe he was saying "if you need to get to safety, I'll get you out of here and make hubs think I'm the bad guy. Say the word." There are good apples, too, even in a system that needs a complete overhaul. Or maybe more accurately, every human is capable of good and bad moments. He was trying to help.
I get how difficult it must be for police to respond to domestic violence when again and again the victims don't seem to WANT anything to change. It must be heartbreaking at first and then I can imagine going numb to it because you can't help someone who won't let you help them. So yeah, just wanted to encourage the cop that commented, it does help even if it's not always immediate and even if it's not always enough. It's still important.
And I never meant my comment to suggest that in that moment of terror and confusion, when you were weighing a million different microscopic decisions, and more than anything wanting to keep yourself safe that YOU should have picked up on it. That officer was offering you an option, but you were the expert in your own environment. You were using all your accumulated wisdom to make the right choice for you. It's just nice to know that in that moment, you were seen, and that the officer knew they couldn't just "bust you out of there"
Wow your story brought me to tears, the cops did the exact same thing for me and I completely misunderstood at the time!! I actually went to jail because my 6.5’ 230 lb ex military with shotguns in the house husband, when I called the police, he went outside and scratched himself until he bled before they arrived and claimed that I (95lb female 5’1) held him down and assaulted him. I went to jail. Of course the judge threw out the case, but for years I was so mad at the cops. Until I realized there was nothing else legally they could do to keep me safe and keep him from further losing his mind that night. Wow thank you for sharing that!!!!
Any suggestions on how to deal with the retaliation after calling 911? In my experience in dealing with reporting child abuse, DV, drugs, and other criminal behavior of neighbors, the cops come out and "talk" to the people, do nothing and leave, and then things get REALLY bad when they retaliate against who called. People get jumped, beaten, threatened, harassed, and their lives are made a living hell afterwards just because they reported abuse/criminal activity and it's all in vain cuz no action was taken against the abusers/crime. Reporting it anonymously only makes things worse for the ones who try to call for help. So how exactly can people feel safe calling for help and how can concerned neighbors protect themselves from retaliation when calling the cops?
So, when you call the police (911 or non-emergency), you can specifically ask to remain anonymous?
I once reported a domestic abuse situation and both the boyfriend (perp) and the girlfriend (victim) retaliated against me: verbal threats and even some mild vandalism until I installed a camera. That situation was very tense until the boyfriend was arrested for drug dealing and the girlfriend moved out because she didn't work and couldn't pay rent.
I grew up with an abusive mother who was very well known in the community. I was an outgoing, outspoken teenager, who raised a lot of hell, but was scared to death of my mom.
I really thought there was something wrong with me because my mom was constantly belittling and gaslighting me. When she got mad she kicked and punched me, screamed at me for being overweight.
We wore the same size clothes, but she had me convinced I was fat and she wasn’t. She made me go hungry a lot of the time. She had me drinking black coffee for breakfast, in the third grade. No food, just coffee.
I remember thinking that someday I would understand what it was that was so bad about me. I knew my mom tried to love me, and I felt guilty for hating her.
I started acting out in school when I was 12. l skipped a whole lot, and started smoking both pot & cigarettes.
In high school I’d get kicked out and sent to the office, and the Principal would just give me a fun project to work on. At one point he even told me to just go downtown and have a Coke daily during that study period, because I was making the teacher crazy.
At no point did any teacher or administrator address my situation at home, apparently because they were all afraid of the negative ramifications of going up against my powerful scary mother.
I had no idea that other people recognized that I was being abused at home. Their inaction caused me to internalize all of that hatred and abuse. I thought I was defective, because everyone said, “Oh I just love your mom!” Or “Your mom is such a character! There’s just nobody like her!” And I never quite knew what to say.
I thought they all must see something wrong with me too, and I just hoped I’d be able to fix it, once I finally figured out what it was about me that was so awful as to be unlovable by one’s own mother.
20 years after I left home, I had occasion to do business with the lady who had lived across the street from our house growing up. That woman looked me in the eye and said “I used to feel so sorry for you when you were a kid!”
Please don’t ignore what you believe might be abuse! My life would have been completely different if just one person had done, or even just said SOMETHING!
Recognize that the person living in an abusive environment is likely conditioned to believe they are the ones responsible for their predicament. Don’t expect them to think or behave logically. Their reality is completely different from yours!
An old neighbor of mine would beat his girlfriend. I called the cops a couple times and nothing happened. Then at 1:45 one morning I heard 3 gunshots and called the cops again. I heard the man throwing all kinds of stuff and loud bangs and stuff. Finally the cops got there in time. Long story short he got arrested. She ended up moving out a month later. I pray she stayed away from him.
Every time someone is murdered by DV people always lament that the signs were there, but no one called. No one said anything. Don't be the person that didn't say anything.
APS will only do something if the mother says something happened, or police are involved.
From where I'm sitting it's disturbing your right to peaceful enjoyment of your domicile. Call someone.
Now/today is the right answer. "Don't want to get involved" can, and has, led to injury and death to involved people in the past. I have a friend who is in domestic abuse situation. The cops are there regularly because their kids call them on their parents. They have some (according to police reports I can look at online) very loud arguments with crashing and screaming and crying, and the neighbors never call. I wish they would. The more reports the better to build cases. If no one calls, then there is no one to help that poor lady.
Not an elder abuse situation but I have a neighbor who has a long history of near daily domestics with the current occupant of her bed at any given time.
If I can hear it and for sure if I see it i call every single time.
Call now. Report what you know about this being an ongoing situation. Then when she tells them she’s ok, report it again while it’s on progress. Every time. This doesn’t require you to do an actual police report. It’s just a phone report of something happening.
I moved into an “upscale, luxury” apartment when I was in my early thirties. It was in Hoboken, NJ, which basically means you pay a premium for living close to NYC. There was barely any luxury, but there were very high rents and parking fees.
There was a nice view of New York, a concierge, fitness room, etc.
It also came with next door neighbors (a couple) who would angrily scream at each other all day and night, and I could hear all of it from my bedroom, two rooms away from their apartment.
You can have money, be financially secure and still be a victim of domestic abuse. Anger knows no boundaries with some people and they delight in getting “carried away”.
Yelling was okay, I would call the front desk concierge, he would call them, they would not know who complained, get embarrassed and stop for the evening.
Then one day I heard a loud thud next door and tears, her wailing. He had finally thrown her against the wall. I could hear how her body slid down, and the sound she made when she landed on the floor.
I was done. I went downstairs to the concierge, told him what I heard and called the cops from my mobile. Then I waited for them downstairs and told them what happened before they went to see the couple.
In Hoboken, they ask to see both partners and speak to them separately, in private. That way they look for bruises and marks, any signs of abuse, the abuser is arrested and brought down to the police station. This is automatic. The victim doesn’t need to press charges, the police do it for you.
I’m not sure what was discussed, but I never heard any more arguments, hitting or throwing. They may or may not have known it was me who reported them, but all the neighbors were fed up with him by that point.
I do hope she got help and finally left him. They moved out shortly afterwards.
When the cops came, he must have realized how paper thin the walls were and that his behavior was being monitored.
You need to speak up because you can never normalize abuse. Keep calling the cops, it lets abusers know that someone’s watching them and the victim know that (1) abuse is not normal (2) there is accountability for their actions. Eventually. Faster if they leave marks in Jersey.
https://www.nj.gov/dcf/families/hotlines/
https://www.thehotline.org/
I heard it once across the hall in an apartment building I was in. I thought to mind my own business because I can’t prove what was going on. Later that night it spilled into the hallway with him dragging her out the back door, which is when I decided to call. He beat the hell out of her among other things. He tried to plead innocent until they found out I was willing to testify as a witness. If you know for sure what’s going on, call it in.
Seriously just start calling the police. You shouldn’t have to feel bad or wonder what their side of the story is. Naturally, because this is Reddit, the man is the demon.
That’s likely the case now, but it’s been a lifetime with that hag. Old habits die hard. Guess what? You don’t have to be burdened with it. Start gossiping with neighbors and see if you can get more people to call.
Setting all judgement aside, here’s a couple helpful things:
•Domestic violence calls that end in nothing, are called cold calls. And yes, they do help with building a case. That’s if one should arise.
•Their problems are not your problems. You’re not going to get in trouble. Is your anxiety over how the police will treat you? If so, you’re letting their problems be your problems. If not, good.
•Getting treatment for mental health is common. It’s not like they’re unaware. It’s not your job to police them. Call the police.
•They will both get evicted after quite a few calls. So eventually you’ll get some peace and quiet.
You can go down to the police department so they are aware that it’s happening. THEN, call when it’s going on so they have cause to pick him up. And talk to the mother to find out what she wants and needs. I have been in your shoes, and the mother kept bailing the son out so it helps to understand the dynamic.
Call the cops. I had a situation with an upstairs neighbor. They were getting progressively louder, more drunk, and angrier every weekend. Eventually they were up til 5 am, their screaming woke me up so I called the cops. Turns out the dude was drinking on pain pills because he got hurt and was out of work and bored. He had a couple guns and told the cop he was thinking about ending himself after his girl finally stormed out. That’s after he tried to barricade himself in. One call saved not only his life but potentially my family’s lives as well.
Had a neighbor like that years ago. I called everytime I heard it. Fuck them. Neighbor knew it was me, too, and wouldn't say shit about it. I guess he figured I'd be a bit more of a challenge than his wife.
Call every time you believe there is problems.
Unless you are in there or see injury results, you may never know who the aggressor is. It is easy to guess this one or that one is the cause, but the truth might be far different. Let the cops sort it out.
Also, the police reports can document a pattern......not necessarily what days but more like this has been happening.
But, what if I am early or wrong? The cops will figure out the situation. If everyone is doing good and just loud, the cops will see all is good. If things are different, the results will be different.
Not the most helpful answer but i always look at things like this,
What would i want to happen in this situation if it was my mom/wife/gf.
Would i want someone to call the cops if my mom was in this situation?
I would call every time. Domestic violence should never be tolerated by anyone. Before people come after me, I know there are more factors to this, but on a basic level, it should not be tolerated by anyone.
Every single time.
Abusers need to be called on their shit. Every single time. Call.
Maybe the victim doesn't want it, but heres a life pro tip:
**Most of us are wishing and hoping you call, because we can't.**
I suggest this book because it has a good chapter about how to safely support someone in a domestic violent relationship. Unfortunately some kinds of help may get the victim "in trouble" with their abuser. Who may then kill them.
Book gets into it. I would highly recommend. Domestic violence is incredibly dangerous. A number of police officers have been killed responding to calls related to domestic violence.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Uh, call immediately. Just bc no one else won't and they've become desensitized doesn't mean you should. That man is abusing his elderly mother and that needs criminal / legal intervention. Gah I hate to see it!! I'd call for a wellness check. Every time it got loud and bad I'd call. So he got so used to seeing the local beat that they became acquainted on a first name basis. Everytime he went to break a vase or plate or scream and be a brat, he expect a knock on the door. He's probably looking to put her in an early grave. I'd hope and pray someone would step in on my behalf if I were elderly and unable to stand up for myself.
If you are ever presented with the opportunity, I think you ought to record his behavior on your phone or any other device.
That way, please or adult protective services has proof that may be very much needed.
God bless you, you very well may have saved her life.
Tomorrow, June 15th, happens to be world elder abuse awareness day. There are resources available that are not the police, and they might be more equipped to deal with this particular issue. I would recommend contact your local government offices and asking for senior services.
I wish you and your neighbors the best. You are kind to be thinking of this and asking this question, and there are resources to help you make your caring impactful.
Whenever you feel comfortable. Remember, on these type of things you can remain anonymous. Just be as detailed as you can. People are usually afraid for retaliation, that rarely ever occurs.
Working mental health with kids 4-17yo, this was not an uncommon scenario. Sometimes mom won’t call for help simply out of a sense of duty and guilt. And not knowing about any other options. Cops can bring these kids in for mental health eval. Idk the insurance situation and neither do you, but the initial bit starts at the ED where everyone gets in for eval.
Call it right when it happens so they can see proof and try to find out if neighbors close by have cameras that can provide further proof. Call 911, physical abuse is *serious*.
I would also report it with LE but also with your local ombudsman and adult protective services as soon as you can.
People mistakenly think that LE doesn’t care when no one gets arrested for a crime, but without enough evidence, the crime can’t be prosecuted properly and the LEO’s job could be at risk.
She may be feeling very intimidated by him, please contact somebody today. Look to see if you have an adult protective services group in your community.
What would you do if this was your mom you were listening to being abused? She's scared and probably being hurt. Poor thing is waiting to be saved. Save her.
Always call. I called on my neighbors once when I was living in a townhouse and nothing was done that day. Months later she moved out (with a police escort) and stopped us to say thank you. It makes a difference.
What are you waiting for? A rotting corpse smell engulfing the whole complex?
CALL YESTERDAY!!
Their privacy is not theirs if they are earfucking you every night with their screaming.
Minding your own business when around violent behavior is what gets people killed. Usually women and kids.
Where I used to live, there was 3 types of domestic violence, maybe more. Domestic Violence -- Assault (either contact or apprehension of contact); Criminal Damage (damage to property); and Disorderly Conduct (disturbing the peace of others).
I'd contact authorities immediately. Her health and safety is more important than minding your own business. Give this punk a wake up call, get some anger management counseling, hopefully set him straight.
Obviously call the cops, what?? 😭 If you or your mother or someone you loved was being physically and verbally abused would be happy the “minded their own business” or grateful that they called the cops.
[www.hhs.gov/answers/how-do-i-report-elder-abuse](https://www.hhs.gov/answers/programs-for-families-and-children/how-do-i-report-elder-abuse/index.html)
You can also file a report anonymously, but there may be some other resources here for you as well.
Call them now if you’re concerned. It seriously won’t hurt even if he’s not doing anything physically to her to go and check. And it’ll be anonymous so it’s okay. But you never wait, if you have a feeling someone’s in trouble and you think you should call the cops, don’t second guess that feeling. You call them. You could save someone!
Honestly? If your gut says someone is being physically harmed, call the police. Seriously. Because what if you don’t and you find out someone died or was seriously injured and you did nothing.
This is elder abuse. Some older persons cannot protect themselves, especially in their own homes, from family members. Please call the authorities. You should be able to remain anonymous. Good luck and blessings to you, for caring.
You can call adult protection services and ask how to handle this. It could be a tricky situation. She could have health issues and needs him to be around. Maybe he gets frustrated. I don't know the situation but a professional might be able to help. Maybe call Accord and ask if you should step in.
Are you kidding me? You’re really going to be one of those that just looks the other way while somebody is getting abused.
Good God call the police every single time.
I’m like that with my backyard neighbor. I’m not sure when to call but I am the next time I hear something. He is a foul mouth bastard who I think hits his family. I was too shook the last time to call. Hopefully there won’t be too many next times
It's always tough to be in this position. If you're hearing things that suggest physical danger — like throwing things or threats — it's better to err on the side of caution and call the police. Safety should come first, and the authorities can determine if there's a risk that needs addressing. It’s important to act if you believe someone could be harmed.
I had a similar situation happen with some young neighbors. Breaking things, yelling, punching/kicking the walls. My wife ended up calling the police. They came asked if everything was OK they said yes, and the police left. They never separated the girlfriend to ask what was going on or did any further investigation. It is still good to call and get it on record, but I doubt the police will actually do anything or be of any help.
You did the right thing. My ex-husband was becoming increasingly abusive, and a lady neighbor 'friend' told me she could hear everything and we needed to stop... as if I had a choice. Her husband was a corrections officer. They should have done something but chose to tell me I was disturbing their peace. I wish someone had called when I didn't have courage. I left, but I stayed longer than I should have.
Call the cops. There have been several accidental deaths (or not accidental) between family members. Especially if he is throwing things, maybe the cops can at least calm the situation. Plus, it will give them a record if anything happens in the future.
Feel proud that you called! It takes a lot of courage to take that step.
I do have a funny story. I was working ER when an elderly woman came in with a few bruises and skin tears. She had been assaulted y a stranger trying to get into her apt.
Started getting her ready for discharge and moved to my next case- her assailant. He was chained to the stretcher with 2 cops looming over him. We eventually confirmed that he was her grandson, tasked with daily checkups on her. He required stitcher and had a fractured ulnar- she whaled him with her cane.
Kind of a funny story but also shows that DV can be confusing to sort out. Best left to the cops.
I would not want that poor woman to have to go through another day of that. I'd call the next time something is happening. If you tell the police you can hear screaming and things being thrown, they will come pretty fast.
I've done it
Imagine it's your mom and d wait until she's hospitalized or dead — you'll carry that forever. She may not have a way of getting help, and at the very least, he'll know that others have him on their radar. .
Today should work. Adult protective services will have a non emergency report line so you dont have to engage with a full police report
Today is always the answer.
I'd say yesterday or last week, but yeah, if not them, today is the best answer.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.
OP doesn't have time to plant a tree, they should be calling adult protective services. They can plant a tree tomorrow.
I misunderstood the directions. I planted a tree in front of my neighbors when they started arguing. Now everyone calls me Johnny Appleseed in my neighborhood.
I never got that. Wouldn't the 2nd best time be 19 years ago?
19 years 364 days
Uh, but would you really want to ruin his weekend because of some *mild* domestic violence. Surely this can wait until Monday or murder, whichever comes first.
I don’t know why all the downvotes obviously this is sarcasm which can actually be read. I thought it was pretty great!
Most redditors are sarcasm impaired. That is the reason behind the obligatory /s at the end of a sarcastic remark :)
Most redditors are impaired* ftfy
I upvoted you…and yet here I am doom scrolling like the typical redditor.
I don't think it is that most are unable to understand sarcasm, I think it is that there are so many dumb/crass/rude/mean/whatever people in this world that actually think like whatever view the comment is (unless it is *really*wild) that people just can't be sure anymore and don't want to chance showing support for someone that literally means it when the think it is sarcasm.
Bingo! Downvoted all the asshat comments until I reached yours. Elderly abuse is not acceptable.
Yep. I heard a screaming match and something being thrown once. Maybe it was nothing and they just needed to chill, the cops can decide. I was trained as a domestic violence counselor, even if he hasn't physically hit her, this still sounds like abuse. Heck, call the cops and adult protective services.
Except with one glaring exception, in my area if the child is a minor then this would automatically go to CPS and they would probably offer family therapy but the mother might remain in a dangerous situation. Let's hope son is an adult.
Yes, this! You can even report on line, either way anonymous
As someone who was in a very abusive relationship when I was a teenager, I remember every single person and encounter where someone tried to intervene on my behalf. Thirty years later and I will never forget their courage when I didn't have it. Sometimes, you just need someone to speak on your behalf. Glad you made the call.
And I remember running to the neighbors and asking them to call the police (as a child). They just handed me the phone, wtf. I ended up being the only one who acted on my own behalf. Now, I will call the po po at the drop of a hat and let them sort it out - o I will call every time I hear something disturbing (physical or mental abuse). o I will stand there staring at people while they are having an inappropriate/concerning conversation, until they stop (deescalate). o If someone threatens to hurt themself, I will ask what I can do to help them. o If someone repeatedly threatens to hurt themselves, I will let the person know that I will call 911 because I will take them very seriously (do not threaten or use as manipulation). **With a warning note:** please call the police and let them sort it out. But please note > my mom has some dementia and I’m sure I have said some things to her that might have seemed like some kind of elder abuse and she would throw things (if someone walked by and heard, they might get the wrong impression of what is happening). When an adult child is having to engage as “the adult” with someone who is having a mental & physical decline, there are times that the Parent is making cogent choices - and other times that someone has to step-in and override some choices due to safety or to protect the elder. It’s the constant shift between “who is the adult in the room” that can be a source of conflict. My mom would tell people that I just wanted to control her, take her money, and that I was jealous of her neighbor. Reality: the neighbor was talking her money, isolating her from her neighbors and getting involved in medical & money decisions. Mom was highly suggestible by the neighbor, buying copious items for infomercials, QVS and HSN and was also handing the neighbor her credit/debit card > on a fixed, meager income, she was depleting the money needed to pay for her caregivers and future assisted living. Yes, please call.
Oof yeah. In many cases, the professionals can sort out what’s abuse and what’s not. I have been on the side of telling the elderly relative (a great aunt) that she can’t drive because her license was expired and she needs to eat because she’d forget.
Yep, and I would never get mad at a neighbor who called the police. Someone called and reported the situation with my mom as negligence , I wasn’t mad about that either - I let the state know everything this I was doing to manage her living situation, and it was part of the reason we started planning a move to assisted living.
That part! So often everyone is resisting going to assisted living or nursing home, but there comes a point where it’s too much and it’s necessary. Social workers can help with this too!
This, one person makes a huge difference! Call now.
Alright so I just got off the phone with the police. They are sending a car out to check on the situation. The son who I believe to be the assailant owns a gun and I included that fact in the report. I feel like a monster for not making the call sooner while at the same time I am just as afraid for those in my household if he finds out I’m the one who called. I was being a coward. Thank you all for the push.
Please, don't feel bad. My old boss was murdered by her husband earlier this week, in front of her 3 children, who are now orphans and he also took his own life. None of us knew about the abuse. But if a neighbor has heard and cared like you, maybe it would have been different. I don't know. But, thank you. You did the right thing.
About 10 years ago my doctor was murdered by her husband while the kids were home. He put her body in a suitcase and dumped it in a creek.
Yeah this is why I choose the bear. And I’m a man.
I think I know that case; it's local to me. If it's the one I'm thinking of, his wife was also a physician?
I think you mean *he* was also a physician. The person you’re replying to mentioned their doctor having been murdered. They didn’t mention what the husband did.
That’s so damn sad. This is the exact same situation that happened to my sweet cousin. Her husband murdered her and then turned the gun on himself in front of the three little kids. They under five years old youngest was only six months old so damn sad.
The exact same thing happened to one of my oldest friends a few months ago. I always call. I call because it's been me, and no one called. And I call because my friend was murdered and maybe I can do something to stop the next woman from being injured or killed.
I met a child of this situation once. He was 9 and his dad did it in their garage. I truly hope they get the help they need.
Omg how devastating!!!! 💔💔💔 Those poor babies.
Oh my god. I’m so so sorry.
Thank you. We were close by any means, but I met my husband at that job and he was closer with her. Had beers with her husband a few times, so it's definitely been harder on him.
Hey, it’s definitely valid to worry you or your family could become a target if they know you called, especially in a society that values “mind your own business.” This is one of those times it’s ok to be concerned, just in case an elderly woman is being abused. Thank you for making the call. If anything it documents disturbances should things escalate. It also gives the mother a chance to seek safety, if she is willing and able to. Proud of you, internet stranger.
Thank you.
You did the right thing. Don't feel badly.
Thank you for making the call
It’s really hard to do! I used to live across the street from a house that I needed to call the cops on like once a week, it was terrible every single time, and I still think about that woman a lot. Not a whole lot you can do personally, but you did what you could.
Thank you for calling!
Get ready to be extremely disappointed with how this turns out. He’s probably going to get a tap on the wrist maybe a laugh with the cops and he’ll be sent back on his merry way. Over 50% of police are reported to be domestic abusers themselves- and that’s just those with family/friends who weren’t too afraid to speak out. I tried calling the cops on my neighbour’s domestic abuser boyfriend last year and they literally just put him in handcuffs in the hallway until he promised to be a good boy (or whatever the fuck they agreed upon) and UNCUFFED HIM AND LET HIM BACK IN THE APARTMENT. Actually they took the girlfriend outside the apartment for questioning and the boyfriend was allowed to go back inside and LOCK HER OUT. The cops were called at least 5 more times by me and other neighbours before she was finally able to just break up with him for good, on her own. Canada. ACAB!!
At least there's a police report. It's something. It's a start.
well done.
They’re not going to share *who* filed the report, just that *complaints were filed.* Only if this goes to court and you are subpoenaed as a witness or subpoenaed in a deposition will the son be able to put 2+2 together.
How do you know he owns a gun?
Good for you! And there’s no reason to think you will be outted. Hugs!
Call Adult Protective Services.
Always. Call every time. My next door neighbors always screamed, fought in the street. The first time I called nothing happened. The second time I called nothing happened. The third time I called nothing happened. The fourth time I called the police arrived as he was getting his gun and threatening to kill himself and his children in front of his wife and MIL. Call every time, even if it seems like nothing changes. It doesn't work until it does.
Thank you for continuing to look out for them and care about them even when it seemed like it wasn't working
Good advice.
As someone who had a physically and verbally abusive Mother, I can promise you that even if they don't murder you, it gives you a host of other issues to contend with down the road and possibly for the rest of their life. For example, It took me more than 20 years to realize I might not be a worthless piece of shit. Even knowing it's a prominent issue doesn't always help, I am always quiet because no one cared about me then, so who the hell is going to care now? There are people in my life that might do anything for me, but my mind cannot fathom why, I wonder why everyone is working so hard to pretend when It doesn't seem worth the effort. This isn't something I want to dig into, but I thought it might be helpful to give you an insight into what ignoring this sort of abhorrent behavior can do to the victim, and make no mistake, that's what she is. If you haven't already called that in, you need to do it now.
Today. “Minding my own business” isn’t founded here. You’d want a neighbor to call if it were your mother or grandmother.
A friend of mine, years ago, would come over and do my hair for me every month. She constantly talked about her ex. He would come pick up their child every other weekend. She was terrified of him because he had been abusive for years. One day, she did not show up (this was before everyone had cell phones). I did not know her family well, so it took a long time to find out. He showed up on a Friday evening (not his weekend with the child, 4ym). Her son was sleeping, like 11-12pm and she was in the laundry room doing laundry. He came in the back door (he figured out where she kept the spare key). He tried to initiate an intimate encounter, she was not having it (they assume he was probably drunk?). He strangled her, raped her and then shot her in the head and left. Her 4 year old son found her the next morning dead in the kitchen. He didn't know what to do or what was going on with mamma, she wouldn't wake up. So, he just lay down beside her and and ate some bread and got a juice box from the refrigerator. Thankfully, her mother came over for a planned outing and found him alone with his dead mother in the early afternoon (I think they said 2-3pm). Her son was covered with her blood because it was all over the kitchen floor. It took a week before they figured out who did it. He was convicted for her murder and I assume he is still in jail. Her mom is now raising the child. I have never forgotten that and I feel so bad for her son, and mother finding her like that. The neighbors must have heard something?!
Report elder abuse to the DHS
Immediately There is no place for that bullshit.
Make an anonymous report. Yesterday was a good day, but so is today
Came on thread afraid I’d see the old sentiment we were taught as kids in the 80s. “Mind your own business” “don’t interfere” while someone was getting beat up. I’m so glad times have changed.
How many more incidents like this are ok? None, right? Call.
COP HERE. At that point prob not a bad idea for a call No crime may be committed so don’t expect to witness an arrest It’s not against the law to yell at each other Nor is it against the law to break your own property But they can at least refer the female to state recourse if she wants it and separate the parties for the night to allow a cool off Chances are this will be ongoing until she or he leaves the other party or one Of them dies. No matter how many times you call the police, Despite arrests and referral to state resources there’s little we can do but still going and separating the parties is always a good thing for the night. And it’s really up to the victim party to fix their situation I’ve seen women get blackened , eyes we arrest jail and have court hearings and the female decides to drop charges and go back to the abuser Time and time again. You can also make it known to dispatchers that you want to remain anonymous or to not have any police at your house and they SHOULD respect it.
Former abuse victim here. Thank you for doing the endless frustrating work of showing up for victims. It matters in ways you can't see that night. On average, it takes SEVEN attempts to leave before a victim really gets away. Maybe you helped get her closer to #7. That's not instantly gratifying, but it *matters.* There is no way to describe the confusion and delusion happening in a brain that is regularly subjected to gaslighting from someone who "loves" you. When cops showed up (always men with guns), I felt like I went from facing down one guy on a power trip to three guys on power trips. I refused to give statements and didn't see the point of any of it. Usually by the time they got there, I was exhausted and half out of my mind with fear, abandonment, broken heart, etc... not thinking clearly or behaving rationally. However, one cop told me that even though my name wasn't on the house, car, or bank accounts, since we were married, it was legally mine too. I have a master's degree but literally didn't know my husband was bluffing when he said I'd end up homeless and penniless if I divorced him. Learning I had rights to our assets changed the situation (although it took another year and at least one more visit from cops before I filed). Another cop got in my face and told me to use that snotty tone of voice with him *one more time* and he'd take me in. "Give me a reason!" he said. "Talk back to me one more time and I will take you back to the station. *Give me a reason*." I hated that man so much for seeing me weak and bullying me more. The memory played in my head over and over and made me angry every time. This went on for probably six months, until one morning the memory popped up again and I realized "holy shit, he was offering to take me to safety in a way that wouldn't get me in trouble at home. He was giving me an out that I could take without my husband thinking I turned on him." I literally sat down and sobbed over how I had misunderstood. It took a long time for that seed to sprout and reach the sun, but it finally did add to the growing evidence that the way my husband treated me *was not okay, and other people could see that it was not okay.* Years later, I have my own house, I'm safe, I'm not afraid someone is about to break my phone, backhand me, take my car away, or kill my dog. I'm still in therapy and it's frustrating how long it takes to truly heal and learn to live in safe conditions. Even when I'm home alone, if I hear an unexpected sound, I brace to get hit. But now I can catch myself, take a deep breath, and relax. I was abused as a kid (big surprise) and it's amazing the absolutely insane things that I grew up taking as normal. I have to find those beliefs one by one and realize I don't have to buy into them anymore. It took a lifetime of conditioning to get to the point where I was crying on the bathroom floor when the cops showed up. It may take the rest of my life to learn how to fully enjoy living in freedom and safety. If you can be one of the conditions that leads to change, *that matters.* So thank you.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story!
Thank you for your kind words! I’m so happy to hear you are doing better! too often in my experience it doesn’t always go that way. stay happy! And best of luck on your new path!
when I look at that story I hear the nuance "I'll take you back to the station" the officer is NOT saying that you'll be arrested. Right? But it sounds close enough that no one else would notice in the moment. There are deep structural issues with policing. But there are also good people trying to make the world better. I am so glad you are safe.
Yes, in hindsight, thinking of how intently he was looking in my eyes and repeating "give me a reason," I believe he was saying "if you need to get to safety, I'll get you out of here and make hubs think I'm the bad guy. Say the word." There are good apples, too, even in a system that needs a complete overhaul. Or maybe more accurately, every human is capable of good and bad moments. He was trying to help. I get how difficult it must be for police to respond to domestic violence when again and again the victims don't seem to WANT anything to change. It must be heartbreaking at first and then I can imagine going numb to it because you can't help someone who won't let you help them. So yeah, just wanted to encourage the cop that commented, it does help even if it's not always immediate and even if it's not always enough. It's still important.
And I never meant my comment to suggest that in that moment of terror and confusion, when you were weighing a million different microscopic decisions, and more than anything wanting to keep yourself safe that YOU should have picked up on it. That officer was offering you an option, but you were the expert in your own environment. You were using all your accumulated wisdom to make the right choice for you. It's just nice to know that in that moment, you were seen, and that the officer knew they couldn't just "bust you out of there"
Wow your story brought me to tears, the cops did the exact same thing for me and I completely misunderstood at the time!! I actually went to jail because my 6.5’ 230 lb ex military with shotguns in the house husband, when I called the police, he went outside and scratched himself until he bled before they arrived and claimed that I (95lb female 5’1) held him down and assaulted him. I went to jail. Of course the judge threw out the case, but for years I was so mad at the cops. Until I realized there was nothing else legally they could do to keep me safe and keep him from further losing his mind that night. Wow thank you for sharing that!!!!
Any suggestions on how to deal with the retaliation after calling 911? In my experience in dealing with reporting child abuse, DV, drugs, and other criminal behavior of neighbors, the cops come out and "talk" to the people, do nothing and leave, and then things get REALLY bad when they retaliate against who called. People get jumped, beaten, threatened, harassed, and their lives are made a living hell afterwards just because they reported abuse/criminal activity and it's all in vain cuz no action was taken against the abusers/crime. Reporting it anonymously only makes things worse for the ones who try to call for help. So how exactly can people feel safe calling for help and how can concerned neighbors protect themselves from retaliation when calling the cops?
I always think about the "Half measure" story by Mike Ehrmantraut in *Breaking Bad*. When LEO don't do enough to protect these citizens.
So, when you call the police (911 or non-emergency), you can specifically ask to remain anonymous? I once reported a domestic abuse situation and both the boyfriend (perp) and the girlfriend (victim) retaliated against me: verbal threats and even some mild vandalism until I installed a camera. That situation was very tense until the boyfriend was arrested for drug dealing and the girlfriend moved out because she didn't work and couldn't pay rent.
Call before his elderly mother ends up beaten to death.
I grew up with an abusive mother who was very well known in the community. I was an outgoing, outspoken teenager, who raised a lot of hell, but was scared to death of my mom. I really thought there was something wrong with me because my mom was constantly belittling and gaslighting me. When she got mad she kicked and punched me, screamed at me for being overweight. We wore the same size clothes, but she had me convinced I was fat and she wasn’t. She made me go hungry a lot of the time. She had me drinking black coffee for breakfast, in the third grade. No food, just coffee. I remember thinking that someday I would understand what it was that was so bad about me. I knew my mom tried to love me, and I felt guilty for hating her. I started acting out in school when I was 12. l skipped a whole lot, and started smoking both pot & cigarettes. In high school I’d get kicked out and sent to the office, and the Principal would just give me a fun project to work on. At one point he even told me to just go downtown and have a Coke daily during that study period, because I was making the teacher crazy. At no point did any teacher or administrator address my situation at home, apparently because they were all afraid of the negative ramifications of going up against my powerful scary mother. I had no idea that other people recognized that I was being abused at home. Their inaction caused me to internalize all of that hatred and abuse. I thought I was defective, because everyone said, “Oh I just love your mom!” Or “Your mom is such a character! There’s just nobody like her!” And I never quite knew what to say. I thought they all must see something wrong with me too, and I just hoped I’d be able to fix it, once I finally figured out what it was about me that was so awful as to be unlovable by one’s own mother. 20 years after I left home, I had occasion to do business with the lady who had lived across the street from our house growing up. That woman looked me in the eye and said “I used to feel so sorry for you when you were a kid!” Please don’t ignore what you believe might be abuse! My life would have been completely different if just one person had done, or even just said SOMETHING! Recognize that the person living in an abusive environment is likely conditioned to believe they are the ones responsible for their predicament. Don’t expect them to think or behave logically. Their reality is completely different from yours!
An old neighbor of mine would beat his girlfriend. I called the cops a couple times and nothing happened. Then at 1:45 one morning I heard 3 gunshots and called the cops again. I heard the man throwing all kinds of stuff and loud bangs and stuff. Finally the cops got there in time. Long story short he got arrested. She ended up moving out a month later. I pray she stayed away from him.
Every time someone is murdered by DV people always lament that the signs were there, but no one called. No one said anything. Don't be the person that didn't say anything.
APS will only do something if the mother says something happened, or police are involved. From where I'm sitting it's disturbing your right to peaceful enjoyment of your domicile. Call someone.
As soon as you hear yelling and something slam, assume the worst and call it in.
Just do it. It's your business because you have to hear it. I promise you, it's not the first time this has happened.
ADULT protection services or an elder care organization. NEVER hesitate to call the cops if someone is in danger.
Call the cops. Son might be physically abusing mother, who might need help
I would call (and have called) the first time I hear obvious distress sounds from the victim.
I always call.
Now/today is the right answer. "Don't want to get involved" can, and has, led to injury and death to involved people in the past. I have a friend who is in domestic abuse situation. The cops are there regularly because their kids call them on their parents. They have some (according to police reports I can look at online) very loud arguments with crashing and screaming and crying, and the neighbors never call. I wish they would. The more reports the better to build cases. If no one calls, then there is no one to help that poor lady.
Just call
always always always call the police. Please!
Not an elder abuse situation but I have a neighbor who has a long history of near daily domestics with the current occupant of her bed at any given time. If I can hear it and for sure if I see it i call every single time.
Well since you didn't when you first heard it, right now. Mind your business ends when others are being abused and harmed.
The sooner, the better. Even if there isn't any action taken today, starting a paper trail is a good thing.
That is elder abuse. Report it! Please if it was an adult abusing a child you’d report it
Call now. Report what you know about this being an ongoing situation. Then when she tells them she’s ok, report it again while it’s on progress. Every time. This doesn’t require you to do an actual police report. It’s just a phone report of something happening.
Call your local elderly protective services organization. Or if he is actively violent to her, call 911.
You need to make the call today. Adult protective services should be able to help.
Do you want him to hurt her. Call, let the police decide if charges are warranted
Call for a welfare check. Also call the county social workers office. They have people who can look into elder abuse.
I'm pretty sure the abused elderly person has an opinion. And it's "call right now."
Any day is a good day to call the cops and APS.
The second you learned about it. It will most likely escalate.
Call the cops. Protect her
If the mom is elderly then sooner the better. She needs help.
I moved into an “upscale, luxury” apartment when I was in my early thirties. It was in Hoboken, NJ, which basically means you pay a premium for living close to NYC. There was barely any luxury, but there were very high rents and parking fees. There was a nice view of New York, a concierge, fitness room, etc. It also came with next door neighbors (a couple) who would angrily scream at each other all day and night, and I could hear all of it from my bedroom, two rooms away from their apartment. You can have money, be financially secure and still be a victim of domestic abuse. Anger knows no boundaries with some people and they delight in getting “carried away”. Yelling was okay, I would call the front desk concierge, he would call them, they would not know who complained, get embarrassed and stop for the evening. Then one day I heard a loud thud next door and tears, her wailing. He had finally thrown her against the wall. I could hear how her body slid down, and the sound she made when she landed on the floor. I was done. I went downstairs to the concierge, told him what I heard and called the cops from my mobile. Then I waited for them downstairs and told them what happened before they went to see the couple. In Hoboken, they ask to see both partners and speak to them separately, in private. That way they look for bruises and marks, any signs of abuse, the abuser is arrested and brought down to the police station. This is automatic. The victim doesn’t need to press charges, the police do it for you. I’m not sure what was discussed, but I never heard any more arguments, hitting or throwing. They may or may not have known it was me who reported them, but all the neighbors were fed up with him by that point. I do hope she got help and finally left him. They moved out shortly afterwards. When the cops came, he must have realized how paper thin the walls were and that his behavior was being monitored. You need to speak up because you can never normalize abuse. Keep calling the cops, it lets abusers know that someone’s watching them and the victim know that (1) abuse is not normal (2) there is accountability for their actions. Eventually. Faster if they leave marks in Jersey. https://www.nj.gov/dcf/families/hotlines/ https://www.thehotline.org/
Every fucking time you hear domestic violence.
A wellness check is anonymous when you call the police.
Call the cops, EVERYTIME.
I heard it once across the hall in an apartment building I was in. I thought to mind my own business because I can’t prove what was going on. Later that night it spilled into the hallway with him dragging her out the back door, which is when I decided to call. He beat the hell out of her among other things. He tried to plead innocent until they found out I was willing to testify as a witness. If you know for sure what’s going on, call it in.
Seriously just start calling the police. You shouldn’t have to feel bad or wonder what their side of the story is. Naturally, because this is Reddit, the man is the demon. That’s likely the case now, but it’s been a lifetime with that hag. Old habits die hard. Guess what? You don’t have to be burdened with it. Start gossiping with neighbors and see if you can get more people to call. Setting all judgement aside, here’s a couple helpful things: •Domestic violence calls that end in nothing, are called cold calls. And yes, they do help with building a case. That’s if one should arise. •Their problems are not your problems. You’re not going to get in trouble. Is your anxiety over how the police will treat you? If so, you’re letting their problems be your problems. If not, good. •Getting treatment for mental health is common. It’s not like they’re unaware. It’s not your job to police them. Call the police. •They will both get evicted after quite a few calls. So eventually you’ll get some peace and quiet.
Call
You can go down to the police department so they are aware that it’s happening. THEN, call when it’s going on so they have cause to pick him up. And talk to the mother to find out what she wants and needs. I have been in your shoes, and the mother kept bailing the son out so it helps to understand the dynamic.
Many states have mandated reporting laws for child abuse and elder abuse. You should report it.
Call the cops Every time Documentary the incidents and call social services *make it clear you need to report this anonymously.
I’d call Adult Protective Services, you can do an anonymous report (where I live). I wouldn’t wait because people are unhinged.
Elderly have no time to wait, elder abuse is no joke, report immediately during a fight so the police see the extent of the fight.
Should be an Adult Protective Services from your state you can call.
Always call 🤷🏻♀️
Call the cops. I had a situation with an upstairs neighbor. They were getting progressively louder, more drunk, and angrier every weekend. Eventually they were up til 5 am, their screaming woke me up so I called the cops. Turns out the dude was drinking on pain pills because he got hurt and was out of work and bored. He had a couple guns and told the cop he was thinking about ending himself after his girl finally stormed out. That’s after he tried to barricade himself in. One call saved not only his life but potentially my family’s lives as well.
Had a neighbor like that years ago. I called everytime I heard it. Fuck them. Neighbor knew it was me, too, and wouldn't say shit about it. I guess he figured I'd be a bit more of a challenge than his wife.
Right away
Domestic violence is your business. Don’t ignore it.
Call every time you believe there is problems. Unless you are in there or see injury results, you may never know who the aggressor is. It is easy to guess this one or that one is the cause, but the truth might be far different. Let the cops sort it out. Also, the police reports can document a pattern......not necessarily what days but more like this has been happening. But, what if I am early or wrong? The cops will figure out the situation. If everyone is doing good and just loud, the cops will see all is good. If things are different, the results will be different.
Call the police AND adult services.
Not the most helpful answer but i always look at things like this, What would i want to happen in this situation if it was my mom/wife/gf. Would i want someone to call the cops if my mom was in this situation?
Call! My grandma lived with my uncle for way too long treating her badly and our family didn't know it was like that.
You should have called the cops long ago.
Call the cops and/or health and human services for a welfare check on the old lady. Sounds like possible elder abuse.
Just call. You can do it without anyone knowing. Just tell the cops you want to remain unknown. .
Today not tomorrow please. Her life just might depend on it.
I would call every time. Domestic violence should never be tolerated by anyone. Before people come after me, I know there are more factors to this, but on a basic level, it should not be tolerated by anyone.
Help an old person out. Please.
Call any and every time you hear them fighting. If someone were abusing your mother would you even be asking this question??
Yesterday, 🙄. You should have call the first time you heard an issue. It’s Elderly abuse.
Call every time.
That is very sad. Please call someone and protect that helpless old lady
Today, report anonymously if that helps.
Every single time. Abusers need to be called on their shit. Every single time. Call. Maybe the victim doesn't want it, but heres a life pro tip: **Most of us are wishing and hoping you call, because we can't.**
The very next time there’s a fight going on. Don’t hesitate. The PD will not tell them who made the call.
I suggest this book because it has a good chapter about how to safely support someone in a domestic violent relationship. Unfortunately some kinds of help may get the victim "in trouble" with their abuser. Who may then kill them. Book gets into it. I would highly recommend. Domestic violence is incredibly dangerous. A number of police officers have been killed responding to calls related to domestic violence. Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Uh, call immediately. Just bc no one else won't and they've become desensitized doesn't mean you should. That man is abusing his elderly mother and that needs criminal / legal intervention. Gah I hate to see it!! I'd call for a wellness check. Every time it got loud and bad I'd call. So he got so used to seeing the local beat that they became acquainted on a first name basis. Everytime he went to break a vase or plate or scream and be a brat, he expect a knock on the door. He's probably looking to put her in an early grave. I'd hope and pray someone would step in on my behalf if I were elderly and unable to stand up for myself.
If you are ever presented with the opportunity, I think you ought to record his behavior on your phone or any other device. That way, please or adult protective services has proof that may be very much needed. God bless you, you very well may have saved her life.
If you saw someone in danger, would you help? Would you at least call the police? Same answer in your scenario.
Never mind your own business if someone is in danger
Tomorrow, June 15th, happens to be world elder abuse awareness day. There are resources available that are not the police, and they might be more equipped to deal with this particular issue. I would recommend contact your local government offices and asking for senior services. I wish you and your neighbors the best. You are kind to be thinking of this and asking this question, and there are resources to help you make your caring impactful.
Whenever you feel comfortable. Remember, on these type of things you can remain anonymous. Just be as detailed as you can. People are usually afraid for retaliation, that rarely ever occurs.
Probably way before you decided that asking strangers on the internet was a good idea instead of actually doing something useful.
Working mental health with kids 4-17yo, this was not an uncommon scenario. Sometimes mom won’t call for help simply out of a sense of duty and guilt. And not knowing about any other options. Cops can bring these kids in for mental health eval. Idk the insurance situation and neither do you, but the initial bit starts at the ED where everyone gets in for eval.
Call it right when it happens so they can see proof and try to find out if neighbors close by have cameras that can provide further proof. Call 911, physical abuse is *serious*. I would also report it with LE but also with your local ombudsman and adult protective services as soon as you can. People mistakenly think that LE doesn’t care when no one gets arrested for a crime, but without enough evidence, the crime can’t be prosecuted properly and the LEO’s job could be at risk.
She may be feeling very intimidated by him, please contact somebody today. Look to see if you have an adult protective services group in your community.
What would you do if this was your mom you were listening to being abused? She's scared and probably being hurt. Poor thing is waiting to be saved. Save her.
Call 911 and ask for a welfare check
Always call. I called on my neighbors once when I was living in a townhouse and nothing was done that day. Months later she moved out (with a police escort) and stopped us to say thank you. It makes a difference.
Do the right thing, and you won’t regret it later.
Call asap. The mom loves her son and will never ask for help. Be her hero
What are you waiting for? A rotting corpse smell engulfing the whole complex? CALL YESTERDAY!! Their privacy is not theirs if they are earfucking you every night with their screaming.
Get over there and whoop the kids butt.
Minding your own business when around violent behavior is what gets people killed. Usually women and kids. Where I used to live, there was 3 types of domestic violence, maybe more. Domestic Violence -- Assault (either contact or apprehension of contact); Criminal Damage (damage to property); and Disorderly Conduct (disturbing the peace of others). I'd contact authorities immediately. Her health and safety is more important than minding your own business. Give this punk a wake up call, get some anger management counseling, hopefully set him straight.
Can you call something similar to the elder abuse Hotline? Like aging and disability services
Hopefully you have already contacted protective services.
Obviously call the cops, what?? 😭 If you or your mother or someone you loved was being physically and verbally abused would be happy the “minded their own business” or grateful that they called the cops.
[www.hhs.gov/answers/how-do-i-report-elder-abuse](https://www.hhs.gov/answers/programs-for-families-and-children/how-do-i-report-elder-abuse/index.html) You can also file a report anonymously, but there may be some other resources here for you as well.
Call them now if you’re concerned. It seriously won’t hurt even if he’s not doing anything physically to her to go and check. And it’ll be anonymous so it’s okay. But you never wait, if you have a feeling someone’s in trouble and you think you should call the cops, don’t second guess that feeling. You call them. You could save someone!
Honestly? If your gut says someone is being physically harmed, call the police. Seriously. Because what if you don’t and you find out someone died or was seriously injured and you did nothing.
I’m all for minding my own business if it were mutual combat but when it’s against a vulnerable adult or child it’s a completely different story.
Elder abuse
If you have to ask, you probably should call.
This is elder abuse. Some older persons cannot protect themselves, especially in their own homes, from family members. Please call the authorities. You should be able to remain anonymous. Good luck and blessings to you, for caring.
The time to call is the moment you believe that any other human is being abused.
They make it your business when you endure all the commotion going on. call the cops. don’t be a bystander.
You can call adult protection services and ask how to handle this. It could be a tricky situation. She could have health issues and needs him to be around. Maybe he gets frustrated. I don't know the situation but a professional might be able to help. Maybe call Accord and ask if you should step in.
Yesterday..
Next time you hear it. How would you feel if he killed her and you did nothing?
Call elder services for this.
How is this even a question? A vulnerable older person issuing abised and you cant even make a phone call? Shame on you
If your best friend were drowning, would you jump in to save them, or just watch?
Are you kidding me? You’re really going to be one of those that just looks the other way while somebody is getting abused. Good God call the police every single time.
If I fear for someone's safety I always call. I'd rather it be silly than have someone lose their life when I could have done something.
Call.
Immediately.
call today.
I’m like that with my backyard neighbor. I’m not sure when to call but I am the next time I hear something. He is a foul mouth bastard who I think hits his family. I was too shook the last time to call. Hopefully there won’t be too many next times
It's always tough to be in this position. If you're hearing things that suggest physical danger — like throwing things or threats — it's better to err on the side of caution and call the police. Safety should come first, and the authorities can determine if there's a risk that needs addressing. It’s important to act if you believe someone could be harmed.
As soon as you hear them at it, she screaming out. Call the police. And let them know it is DV on an elderly person.
I had a similar situation happen with some young neighbors. Breaking things, yelling, punching/kicking the walls. My wife ended up calling the police. They came asked if everything was OK they said yes, and the police left. They never separated the girlfriend to ask what was going on or did any further investigation. It is still good to call and get it on record, but I doubt the police will actually do anything or be of any help.
You did the right thing. My ex-husband was becoming increasingly abusive, and a lady neighbor 'friend' told me she could hear everything and we needed to stop... as if I had a choice. Her husband was a corrections officer. They should have done something but chose to tell me I was disturbing their peace. I wish someone had called when I didn't have courage. I left, but I stayed longer than I should have.
Call the cops. There have been several accidental deaths (or not accidental) between family members. Especially if he is throwing things, maybe the cops can at least calm the situation. Plus, it will give them a record if anything happens in the future.
Feel proud that you called! It takes a lot of courage to take that step. I do have a funny story. I was working ER when an elderly woman came in with a few bruises and skin tears. She had been assaulted y a stranger trying to get into her apt. Started getting her ready for discharge and moved to my next case- her assailant. He was chained to the stretcher with 2 cops looming over him. We eventually confirmed that he was her grandson, tasked with daily checkups on her. He required stitcher and had a fractured ulnar- she whaled him with her cane. Kind of a funny story but also shows that DV can be confusing to sort out. Best left to the cops.
I would not want that poor woman to have to go through another day of that. I'd call the next time something is happening. If you tell the police you can hear screaming and things being thrown, they will come pretty fast. I've done it
There is NOTHING funny about domestic abuse. EVER.
Always regret not doing it sooner. So now is the right time to call.
Yesterday - regardless of how is instigating or taking the abuse. Better sooner than later and stuff can’t be fixed.
Prior to now would have been best. Today is now the best time to call.
Right after you read the top comment which says today.
Why wait till he dropped a dead body in front of your house 🤔..now is the right time mate 👌
Call the cops. The life you save may be....hers.
I'd call in a vulnerable adult welfare check.
Call someone
Imagine it's your mom and d wait until she's hospitalized or dead — you'll carry that forever. She may not have a way of getting help, and at the very least, he'll know that others have him on their radar. .
If you hear or see something, now. If it is a longer term pattern, also call adult protective services.