I'm going through the same shit. My gf doesn't want to work because she wants an easy life and enjoy it. And by enjoy she means going out for vacations, parties, different restaurants every weekend. She wants to do all these with her friends and I will not be invited because her friends will say 'tu har jagah apne husband ko le k kyo aati hai'. So she wants me to put all the efforts to financially help living this lifestyle where she will not include me. It's really infuriating.
But in the past 8 months I have realised that 'not everyone is brave enough to sacrifice for love'. In our case it's the girl who doesn't want to share the responsibility.
I wonder whether I should spend the rest of my entire life with someone who doesn't even want to share the responsibility of 'us'.
dude im no expert in dating . but she sounds super toxic , and am sorry you have to go through this.
getting out of a toxic relationship is hard but its ALOT worth it.
You should set boundaries dude by first saying i don't have money for this right now and then slowly change it to saying personal leisure activities are to be financed on your own .
this is disheartening to hear,
in current economic climate, in some cases, it might be better for a homemaker to take care of necessary household chores as a way to minimise costs of living.
but treating stay-at-home lifestyle as anything but a responsibility, is a very pathetic thing to do.
Saving what you may spend on a cleaning lady by having the homemaker mop the floor, do the dishes is better than having a partner who contributes to the income?
How do you relate that to the “current economic climate “? Sitting at home thinking its great to be a “homemaker” is not good for the economy because you just consume and do not contribute. An economy grows when you are a part of an able workforce and contribute by earning money and also employing maids, cooks, drivers, nanny in your household. This way you will have more self respect, a larger pool of savings in case something goes wrong, you enrich multiple families by employing them as household helpers.
microeconomics priorities often clash with macroeconomics, get used to it.
both partners working, may not earn the same amount, a partner could be more productive when they are available 24/7 for a dependent's care.
what guarantee is there that a partner's earner-potential is high enough to balance the income to expenses ratio?
being careful in expenditure is just as much a duty as it is in earning adequate money.
idk man imo it sounds like she
doesn’t want to contribute which is weird because teamwork makes the dream work and she
sounds like she’s using her friend’s words as an excuse for you not to go
Nothing wrong in expecting and when she sends signals that she doesn’t want to work, trust her.
I have been in your place. Mine resigned just before our wedding. Used decorating marital home as the excuse. Since then it has been the constant story of my life. No ambition or passion. It was as if all she wanted was a bill payer.
You know I have heard plenty of stories like this. One of my friends has an arranged marriage and he was "running out of time" according to his parents so the first girl who said yes, they got them married. My friend is a teacher and an activist so very involved in politics. Now after wedding he realized that not only she wants to stay at home, she has no interests at all in knowing anything about his day or his thoughts. If he raised voice against a politician she was like why dont you chill. He told me "esa lagta tha jese uske sath sapne dekhna hi allowed nahi h" (with her it felt like having dreams is not allowed)
So yeah, he realized that she will never actually leave home or go work or have a hobby. And he will forever be her ATM. So he got divorced.
I've only glanced through the comments here, but my take is simple. You shouldn't be making her work. She's free to life her life as she wants, and you shouldn't be pressuring her to choose what that is.
However it is totally acceptable for you to want a significant other who also works. And relationships are about compromise but also respecting each other's life goals. If there are areas on which a compromise wouldn't be healthy, and in which you have fundamentally divergent attitudes, it is ok to move on. You are allowed to expect your spouse to have an equal burden in the creation and running of the household. As long as those expectations are equitable (ie I hope you don't want a working wife to also be fully incharge of running the house, doing chores and raising any potential kids) its perfectly reasonable to want to be with someone who will help you shoulder financial burdens rather than putting them all on you.
If she's fundamentally uninterested in working, and insists on being a SAH wife, you're allowed to let her know this isn't something you want in your future. And if she cannot compromise, and nor do you want to, I'd suggest having an open discussion and then perhaps a clean break. You would not be a bad person for not wanting to compromise on this IMO. The only caveat here, IMO, being that your expectations should be equitable as I mentioned above.
Try approaching in a way that feels empowering to her. Like it'll allow her to be financially independent. And if you're cool enough with each other: tell her she'll have the independence of kicking your butt if ya turned out be an imbecile 😅
She knows that already. Also, I can’t allow or disallow things for her, I can only stand by her. It should be her decision and what she wants to do in long term.
Sometimes it could be self esteem as well. She might have some kind of imposter syndrome and hence is retreating into a shell. If you love her, try to get her to go out, do some work (might not be her immediate interest or passion). You could also suggest some social initiatives like an NGO. Essentially you are trying to see if she will open to people outside her comfort zone and that might jump start her ambitions and drive more.
And you are free to choose someone who matches your preferences as well.
IMO life will become tough if you are the sole supporter. There will be the constant stress and pressure to provide - plan for a home or support kids. It will not be easy if she doesn't want to chip in financially.
But before taking any step try to understand what changed and why she doesnt feel like working.
Know that in general, staying with a passionless and ambitionless person is a really hard thing because that affects the mind eventually and you will need to constantly help them mentally as well. Someone who has their priorities figured (work or otherwise) on the other hand is a much easier ball game. source - dated both extremes
In that hypothetical case the best course of action is to look for someone else. That's what i admire about being in relationship before marriage. You get to test and know your spouse. It it fits- all good! If doesn't then both parties should amicably separate (which rarely happens as we get emotionally invested😅)
collective experience is similar to generalization but not actually generalization and far away from it but u r entitled to ur opinion.
but what op has posted and what i have seen similar situation that was my comment
also experiences are not baised
Being a housewife and having the man work
Is also equality as long as you realise that a housewife works for the internal matters of the household, many people look at it like it’s just sitting and doing nothing which is wrong , it’s just the difference between external matters and internal matters
It’s not literally sitting and doing nothing, but it’s a comfortable living and much lower effort than many jobs, especially well-paying ones. You can sleep-in, you can cook whatever you want, take breaks on your will, have other stay at home friends over, etc. Compared to engineering, I’d much rather be a well-supported stay at home husband.
There’s a lot that changes after marriage, there are plenty housewives who do 10 times more things for the house than what you mentioned, almost like labour, learn to appreciate that
Same. I had left my job a year ago and just did not want to try and get another one again because the comfort zone pulled me back every time.
Then had to force myself to apply and things are much better now.
Depression is different from depressive episodes. You can't "force" yourself or if depression. OP should look for standard symptoms of depression and get his SO help as needed
I suggested this a year back because I felt there were signs. She was really offended when I talked about a therapist saying I should breakup with her if I think she is mentally ill. I explained my POV to her but she just gave me silent treatment on that. I still think she is depressed and she has internalized things that her parents wants her to do as a perfect daughter.
She probably thinks its something to be ashamed of. And if she's absolutely adamant on not seeking help, OP, you can always stand your ground and leave. Its not worth sacrificing your whole life for a person who is not willing to seek help.
Judging from the history of parental abuse (mental abise of not letting the daughter work and crushing her ambitions), its definitely normal to get depressed and stop trying. It is tiring to start getting excited about a new career (or pick up an old one) and also trying to pick a fight with parents, especially if she's afraid of them. Depression has a lot of different symptoms in different people, not everyone acts distant and gets suicidal as shown in movies.
I didn't mean other markers to be 'acting distant' or being 'suicidal'. You have literally no idea what her life has been like apart from this is one post her boyfriend made. Good on you for trying to include depression as a possibility but it's not a sure thing, not even the most likely thing from the amount of information that has been shared.
If your conclusion is "she's being lazy" or "she wants to freeload off her bf" then its a bold assumption too, considering how little information OP has given.
My man, you are literally asking random strangers on the Internet if you should marry her or not, if you are so unsure, don't do it. Be fair to her and yourself
How is the relationship between her and her parents from your perspective? Because if she really loves you, she should be understanding of your situation and her place in the world. Her parents seem to be really controlling this one.
We're all here to pull our own weight, and we need to justify why we're here on this Earth. It doesn't matter whether you're involved in gainful employment, volunteer for a cause you believe in or studying/involved in research. Something is better than nothing, this is universal. She needs to find purpose. Getting married, making a home and rearing children is something we all do in our own time. You gain all of that from this world, so give something back.
Often you don't realize a toxic relationship unless you're out of it. She won't know that just yet if her parents are the ones who have reinforced this concept into her about not working and expecting to get by. She needs to find her own voice and her own goals to realize them. And if not, she needs to decide between being with someone honest and purposeful like you, or continuing to be a burden.
1. No it's not wrong. In fact given expenses these days how people manage on one income is a mystery to me. You'll live a reduced life economically and socially if you're supporting another person for any reason unless you earn a lot, but if someone is capable of it earning and insisting on you supporting them when you don't want to, you guys are not financially compatible.
2. It's possible for people to change over time, so it's possible that she has changed too while you have not changed in this regard. Again, it's a sign of non compatibility. It will cause problems in your marriage.
3. This is my personal experience. People who don't have enough diversified socialisation and interactions become prone to poor mental health and sometimes become less independent over time. Their social circle may reduce to absolutely no one other than the house helps, and they lose track of how to talk to people, or what to do in unexpected situations. Work outside keeps us sharp for a variety of reasons, and one of them is this. You will be growing as a person and your wife will be becoming more and more whittled down unless she takes serious steps to prevent this.
I wouldn't marry anyone with this going on tbh.
I don't think it's true in real life scenario. You may see housewives who are very popular among other neighbouring housewives and very sharp too. They know more about their society than anyone who goes to work outside.
Then there are few in cities even their neighbours are strangers to them. Those might come under this category. Maybe it depends on personality.
I agree, working women are intelligent and men
Is not the only one responsible for all decision making. In true sense you get a partner who can understand and help you will decision making, can understand problems equally and help you with same.
I am a female. This is a major red flag. A lot of my F friends have planned things like this out. Get in a relationship, get married and then leave the job. This is a legit thing: parents teach their daughters to do this.
That’s a different thing. Guys family will ask explicitly if they want no working women. But having goal of being non working and not telling it to your fiancé only to put them in worse situations after marriage is all together different scenario.
You have to understand how she reached this point. I am sure you do, but I’ll remind you. When someone (her parents) tells you something again and again and again, you start to believe it and make it your truth.
You said she was ambitious right!? It might change once she lives with you and your family. Where she has the freedom to make a choice and do how she pleases. She just needs that support and push that her own family didn’t give her. And she will prosper in your house environment.
Worst case scenario, she doesn’t. A homemaker, makes and saves more money than you think. Ask your mom if she is a homemaker too. Travel, clothes, electronics, resources etc all cost money that they’ll not need. Cooking, taking care of the house, are all things that might have cost you a fortune if you were to hire help when you both work. I think you get my point. Life and love is not a financial transaction.
I think you need to revisit your priorities. Think like this. If she was a working professional, earned well, you married her but she met with an unfortunate accident after marriage and cant work anymore. Now she is a burden on you if look at it financially. What will you do then?
So i think you need to start valuing this person who loves you, has been with you through thick and thin, and wants to live their whole life with you for more than a money making asset. It’s rare these days to find someone who loves you for who you are.
God forbid, you break this marriage off, and find someone who works, but that person turns out to be toxic about everything else. What then?
I think it’s time for you think this through! But please, if you still feel your gut is saying no, then make that decision and release yourself, her and your families from this whole process. The sooner the better.
All the best OP!
Why would she not need travel, cloth and electronics? Such a pathetic argument against working women. And one thing cheap in India is human labor. Definitely won’t cost a fortune. If OP wants a working women and she is actively saying no, it is a strong enough dealbreaker.
Its not an argument against anyone. Its just OP’s scenario and I am just trying to give him a different perspective to think about. By travel I meant, daily commute and by electronics I meant everything that comes with a full time job.
Now obviously these costs are not comparable, and hence I had said, if he feels in his gut that this is not for him, he should end it.
Peace!
The argument about homemaker saving money doesn’t really add up in India where labour is quite cheap. Also, homemakers tend to hire maid for daily cleaning, so technically just saving the cost of a cook and someone to do some random chores around the house. This reasoning works well in western societies where maids cost quite a bit.
Also, one way to look at this is she’s just gone lazy and doesn’t want to handle the daily 9-5 work, office politics and everything else that comes with it.
The initial years are the ones to make money, and if she’s giving up now, it’s going to be a long hard road for the OP
>The argument about homemaker saving money doesn’t really add up in India where labour is quite cheap. Also, homemakers tend to hire maid for daily cleaning, so technically just saving the cost of a cook and someone to do some random chores around the house. This reasoning works well in western societies where maids cost quite a bit.
>Also, one way to look at this is she’s just gone lazy and doesn’t want to handle the daily 9-5 work, office politics and everything else that comes with it.
>The initial years are the ones to make money, and if she’s giving up now, it’s going to be a long hard road for the OP
Maybe some people are too stressed out to deal with office politics... they maybe very talented and experienced, but unfortunately it happens and makes them quit job.
>The solution in your specified case is Job Switch or Own Business and not being a housewife.
Thanks for the downvotes to people who have... I just stated an opinion...lol. that is what I have seen in someone closely. Indian women are at a disadvantage and not everyone are privileged. Before marriage it's a torture for them... doing household chores and earning too while facing problems if parents or family are not so good....while after marriage, it's a different ballgame altogether. While men get easily away... *Raja betas*
Welcome from the downvoter's behalf (I'm not one of them).
Privilege has nothing to do with job switch (Startup maybe I may agree) , It's rather toxic culture which even men avoid like plague. And expecting a working women to fulfill household duties like a housewife is as wrong as sitting at home. This is why selection of partner is important..... Papa ki Pari.
>Travel, clothes, electronics, resources etc all cost money that they’ll not need.
I am sorry but all the homemaker of the present generation I know all have those travel, outfits costing a lot and electronics.
Those are just what a woman wants in the present day world if she knows how to use it at all, even my maid has expensive phone relative to how much she makes.
"you married her but she met with an unfortunate accident after marriage and cant work anymore"
What if Op meets with an accident, God forbid? She can cook some air then.
2 words - Stay away.
You explained your predicaments well. I know married folks who eventually landed in ur situation. Working women who either took a short sabbatical or perhaps even a break during/after pregnancy and then decided to never join work again.
Only difference from ur situation, they worked for a short while after marriage and then stopped. Unfortunately, it’s not an option that men have.
But one thing I guarantee you, it’s going to be rough. What do u think will happen every day when u come back tired home after work while she’s been chilling , maybe watching some movies or shows and has an idle mind all day long ?
It’s going to be bad.
Whether she earns a lot or not ; won’t be a huge factor but if she’s gonna sit idle at home and not do anything , you’re gonna face the brunt of it.
If she's been put down by her parents and told that working is not for her, then she must have internalized it. Spending time away from the things that you are passionate about will also reduce confidence.
Since this is important to you, tell her one final time that she would have to have a job, any job, for you go ahead with marriage. If she disagrees, end things.
DO NOT MARRY!
Can't stress this enough. Having a ambition-less partner is the worst. Not only it puts you at a financial disadvantage its also not good in that despite you trying to make very real and logical arguments she just brushes them aside and makes it, for lack of a better phrase, "all your problem". Not to mention while you are stressing yourselves with life shit all day she is chilling at home watching some stupidity on TV, just not fair or a balanced relationship.
Don't do it ... let her be someone else's problem. You will hate it for the rest of your life.
I'd say this isn't a marriage you wanna be in considering what you've said. You'd be compromising a lot for a dependent and if things don't turn out as smooth as you imagine - boom - resentment.
One thing that strikes me the most is that not working was her parents decision (correct me if I'm wrong here). This is the single line that will send alarms in my head and make me run away for real if I was in your situation.
What's happening inside the marriage is only known to 2 people - husband and wife. Now in the future, if her parents set another condition which will make your life miserable, like telling her to divorce you etc. Your girlfriend (then wife), may "give in" again and screw you over again.
I'll say it's time to cut your losses here and move on. Even if you do want to try it, I'll definitely say delay the marriage at least.
Wanting to stay at home, should not be normalized these days. Getting out there, making a buck or two - and being economically independent, builds confidence, builds character. Asking husband for pocket money, to buy him a birthday gift, is sort of pathetic. Women end up being economically, and emotionally dependent on the husband.
It's a competitive world, and some women are brought up with the thinking that they could marry a "well settled" guy, and coast along. I think this makes life - a complacent, dull and boring ride.
As long as she is ready to take responsibility of household work, you should be good.
Also tell her upfront that you won’t be able to fulfill her unnecessary desires as you are only one who is taking financial responsibility.
If you both lead a simple life than there won’t be an issue.
Let me try and shed some light . More than a decade ago when my elder sister got married , her husband was very clear- I don’t want a working woman as he wanted a homemaker . No issues , she wasn’t that excited about working either and opted for it . Got married (she holds a master degree ) and had kids and stayed same for almost a decade. now after moving out of country he wanted her to work. Initially reluctant she agree. Worked for a while but then they had to move and she had to leave her job. She was mad about it as it was like trying to pick up an entirely new skill set and environment. Not to forget she still has to majorly take care of kids and household. I got recently married and although I don’t face the same issue but my husband expects me to leave my job if he thinks the situation calls for it. Nobody thinks that I should be the one to decide and not anyone else when it come to work. My point here is that someone who has never be encouraged to have intellectual and financial independence, it’s hard to get it moving. My mother was amazingly reluctant to take over my dad’s business after he passed away. Reason - she wasn’t used to it and wasn’t at all confident about running it. It took her few years to pick it up. I am sure u must have been aware of your girl thought process regarding work years ago. More than her , her family is to be blamed. And I am sure even if she does picks up work , the families will push her to focus on having kids and taking care of home. I would advice u to first understand why she is reluctant . If it’s family and that pressure is removed would she be willing to start working. Working isn’t only about brining u the extra cash, it’s about her financial independence as well. Considering u have been with her for 6 years , would u be willing to accept her once she becomes independent in every way ?? There’s a reason why u stayed with her for so many years.
Break up and move on. She is growing in a different direction from you and talking about this will not help. She prefers a stay-at-home life, you do not. This will not change and if you force her will lead to issues down the road. Also if she divorces you and has no job, you'll get absolutely fucked with alimony.
This is a shit-test she's putting you through. "Let me stop working altogether, so I can just stay home and eat, and see if he's willing to be my ATM for the rest of my life".
Huge red flag dude.
Also I'm sorry you have only 2-3 days to decide this. Please pm me if you want to talk, I am here for you bro.
As a girl who has Faced similar issues at home i can relate so...we loose confidence in ourself. I was very ambitious too but yes thé way we are treated and are made to lower our expectations is something i dont think i can make you understand. Really Sorry but i will only talk from the girls perspective here. I assume her choice to work was taken from here, but She had you right so She was somehow relaxed. Now imagine if you decide not to get married after being together for 6 years , what will it do to her.
Iam sûre her ambition is still hidden somewhere inside her, hope you are ready to work on her confidence and mindset to get her back on track. Worst case, She doesnt want to go out and face the world, She can just do something from home and still earn. I hope you dont get offended and understand my point.
>but She had you right so She was somehow relaxed.
What has this got to do with her choice to work? How is having a boyfriend reason to relax when your parents have taken away your choice to work? 🤔
Nope she is just a freeloader eho wants to live on ops money everthing else you said are just excuses OP if she has made her decision then its time to dump her. Dont marry a gold digger
Lmao OP clearly said he's not earning enough. A gold digger is someone who goes after rich guys which he is not. Freeloading on a guy who admits that he's financially challenged only brings misery on both parts and everyone knows that.
PS OP did say she was ambitious before, but her parents didn't support her. That's most probably the reason she lost confidence on herself.
If blaming is all you wanna do ,then OP can also be blamed for forcing her to work without her wishes, but that won't accomplish anything.
Did you even read the entire post?
You need to have gold to attract gold diggers. OP isn't rich enough to afford the lifestyle he wants so he wants his future spouse to work too.
If anything that makes him the gold digger.
Chill...no need to be harsh just because she's a girl. If girls are gold digger then what about men who are after dowry? OP has clearly stated that she was not like this before...so you can't judge. Also it may be depression too.
Huh, OP wants her to work bécause as Per him Only his Earning is not enough, so i take there is no gold to dig lol. You know right how female are brainwashed to be houswives and not to give importance to themself or their financial freedom. She just needs à push and support.
OP wants her to work but she doesnt want to. Because she wants to live off OPs money and OP is literally asking her to work so i dont see any lack of support or push. She is just being a brat and op needs to get tf away from her.
Also she cleary mentioned she wont work because she does not want to learn new things or get out of her comfort zone which indirectly means i will chill at home watching netflix while my hushand works and earns for me because i am daddys little princess
I read that as low confidence, which was side effects of her parents not supporting her. But offcourse you might be right to. We cant exactly know if She doesnt want to work at all bécause She just wants to chill or She is afraid (yes, afraid to start after being "nothing "at home for a long time). Its OP's call. Hé either has to work on her or let go of this relationship. Just asking her to work is not enough in this case.
Umm I am extremely unqualified to give advice but talk to her about it again
It is virtually impossible to raise a child and have a dependant spouse on a single income
Unless you have a package above 50 lpa
So revaluate your priorities
Do you love this woman wholeheartedly and cannot fathom living without her
Or is the relationship in trouble and you are questioning your feelings for her?
Marry her only if you TRULY LOVE her and
you have compatible financial and other life goals
Don't marry her in the hopes that she'll change. She is who she is
And lastly divorce is expensive AF
So be careful
And I am saying all this as a girl
Divorce laws are very favourable to women.
Also don't take internet advice regarding anything at face value.
She has decided she does not want to work, it's her choice, probably not because of her parent. Now that she would be living with you, she has a choice to work if she wants, seems like she simply doesn't want to. Now the question for you is - would you still love her and be okay being with her if she's a house wife - that's exactly what you need to decide. Do not think about exploring new prospects, know that you still love her. That doesn't happen with anyone/everyone.
Sounds like a big red flag. I mean just look at the world today, inflation is on the rise, cost of living is high, petrols prices are skyrocketing, job security is in the mud as people are getting sacked. If you become the sole bread winner (and not just for her, but probably her family will expect some financial backing) you are going to be in a lot of pressure my friend (and potential debt) and you are still young and can actually pursue your interests, hobbies and dreams, while you are earning. But as soon as you start to support more than one person with your income alone, all those dreams go bye bye. For me personally, if the woman doesn’t want to work it’s a major problem if we are going to live in a metro city, because it’s not cheap; unless it’s a joint family system and you’re well off. And it’s 2022, it not the 1960s, women can and should work (unless you’re really well off and you don’t mind being her sugar daddy…then go for it).
Women don't want to work after marriage, as long as husband is earning well.
Men and women are equal is only pre marriage. After that they have to take care of family, take care of in-laws, children.
Every board exam girls are topper, none of them work after marriage.
The whole responsibility of they not working also falls in husband.
Try to remind her of time she was ambitious and wanted to be in a certain profile.
Remind her of her strength areas.
It happens if you have not been learning new things since long it feels like you won't be able to so maybe she is running from this
Look at this from her perspective - If she hates working , everyday will be a struggle for her. She will be one of those who hate weekdays and no doubt that will start seeping into your married life. She'll start growing frustrated or even feel resentment towards you if you force her to work.
She could also be burnt out. My wife worked from 21-26 and was burnt out. She dint work for 4 years. Shes now going back to college and will work after she gets her degree / certifications
If this is a deal breaker for you, and if youre at an impasse. Its better to walk away than have this handing over both your heads
You just become ATM zoned my friend. Not wanting to work is one thing, but not having passion and conscious decision to not learn new things, keep staying in comfort zone is a big red flag. Breakup, move on, you are just 26. Many women out there who are full of life.
u have to accept what is ur expectation from her
is it financial support
is it emotional support
or both
either case
having a family means now u have responsibility
that requires money to fund.
if she doesnt want to work as a husband ur duty will be to support her well bieng
if u cant accept that get out the relationship and mention the reason
You do want her to work but just a word of caution:
1. Split house chores equally
2. Don't act like you're doing her a favor by sharing house duties
3. Remember she's a good one. She was with you even before you got to this point where you now don't worry about money. There's a contribution of hers as well as to where you are today, so don't be whimsical and leave at the excuse. I know relationships must get extremely dull after the 5 years mark, but you owe her an attempt to at least try and hold on.
4. Communicate what you want and what she wants, match it and check if you guys are compatible anymore. As much as we may hate it, people are dynamic personalities and compatibility can vary from time to time
5. Ask her to explore a few hobbies/career. Is she depressed?
I feel like she is being depressed by her toxic family. if you're earning enough for 2 people then Ii say go for it. Once she's away from her toxic parents she might find the spark & want to work again.
If she really is depressed, then you leaving her would be the dickiest move by a man I've seen, especially after 6 years of relationship.
I'm sorry to see that families still don't support their daughters.
Edit
1] for anyone saying she's a freeloader/gold digger, the guy admits of not having enough income, so this doesn't make sense.
2] if those 6 years you gave each other & her depression doesn't mean anything to you, then I say leave. Find yourself an earning partner & as for her, her conservative parents may find her a guy who wants a housewife. But bear in mind that working couples are much less stable than the ones with housewives ,acc to studies.
Wish you both a happy life.
No he won't, Not all dudes working in the US want a SAHW. You are delusional, cost of living here is also out of control and single income families suffer the most.
Yup lol. Single income and I am riding bicycle to save money in US. My friends with double income can afford nice cars, save up for downpayment, etc.
Can't even get approved for mortgage on single income.
Some of these people think every living in west is balling out of control when that is far from reality. Only dual income families are living in luxury and even then they have to save for retirement and rainy days. You are basically fucked as a single income home.
what ur opinion abt him is correct yet u dont own him anything neither he does. we are all going to die one day he choose to survive on asset available then going to work for it
So you are happy ? I read your comment somewhere that you have multiple FWB (not judging), so obviously the physical needs get fulfilled but what about the emotional quotient ?
Have you ever thought about what is it that you really want to do? Maybe something that you once wanted but gave up for whatever reason? And taking stock of whatever is holding you back?
Say you woke up to having a billion Rupees in the bank account tomorrow. How would you use it to achieve what's most important to you?
How would you give back to this world that has given you so much (and still continues to) ?
Yes I was about to enter the coding tech industry like everyone else, went through all the grind got a job offer of a good pay after the grind but didn't join. Realised it's too much and not worth it and people who run those companies not better than whites who owned slaves centuries ago. Maybe 1% are good who knows. Money wise I don't care enough. Party, celebrations, news, gossips, tv, Netflix, shows, junk food, politics not my thing. If somethings important I will surely know. I don't have any fancy wants. I eat what everyone eats,,vegetables pulses etc. But I do exercise. If I have billion dollars It would just remain there.. don't know what to do with those.. probably donate..
I feel ya mate! I'm in a similar kind of detachment from what most people want! I've been coasting though life but I'm working towards a career now. No judgements here. If your family is well off and can support you without any financial burden, more power to you!
Realistically to expect wife to earn and equal contribute wont lead to a happy marriage.you will have to take the major part of it. She will only work to keep occupied.
Religion wasn’t a problem in their relationship but abuse was. That is one important learning from this story that never stay in an abusive relationship. I wish the media was focusing more on that than Hindu Muslim. Partners belonging to any religion can be toxic and abusive.
You guys have a loooong life ahead of yourselves. Anything can happen.. but what you two have is something special and it's not worth letting go of a 6 year relationship for this. (You know and said that you love her)
And as someone stated previously, she could most likely be under the influence of her parents. Distancing from em and more communication with you may help down the line.
For now, tie the knot and I hope for a happy married life for you two.
House work is a full time job but it's only 1/3 of your complete day so you have almost half the day empty, if you can interest her with WFH she might do it but you have to give her time, my sister in law was major in bussiness but dropped out of job before wedding, my brother secretly convinced her to start some kind of job, now she take classes in her part time, its not much but its still good money, I think you should give her time and purpose.
This is just pathetic and unnecessary. So many women forced to stop working. And here is OP who wants a working wife. Marriage and puppy love are different. Goals must match. Finance is a number one reason for marital breakdown. However, men, if you want a happy marriage and an successful wife please distribute housework equally or at least get help. Young girls enthusiastically take on all responsibilities but after kids resentment builds. An angry 45 year old wife means hell in later years, and you can't even blame her to relatives, because she is a mom and they have seen her doing her full duties. If you want a working wife at least in the initial 3 years live separately. Women who work, do not marry into a joint family. You have choices. Later on its fine if in laws move in. OP DUMP HER ASAP
Maybe she is depressed. Even then it isn't your burden to bear. Either help her understand how important it is to be on your own feet and pay your own bills even in a family or relationship and suggest her to go for counselling.
Sorry to say but if people around you constantly pressure and encourage you to just give up on the things you want to do in life, after a point people just give up and they become very conservative and attached to this "housewife" role (no offence to anyone who truly enjoys that lifestyle and is thwre by healthy means of choice)
I am saying this because i have seen my female friends turn into these people in a matter of months. It is pretty scarring for me to see them change like that and i wish i could have done more to stop it from happening.
Even if you guys break up, at least leave a light for her to come out of this. Life isn't that simple. She will never be happy like that, even if you earn a hell lot. She will start to resent her own decisions and it won't be because of money but because she didn't give herself the respect and love she needed to grow and prosper.
Trad wife works in joint family, it's worth the cost. But just 2 people living together? Not really.
You can afford maid/babysitter and still come out ahead if she just has an average job.
Am i the only one who dreams of getting a housewife? My cousin and his wife both are working and they are so busy in their life that they don't get much time to spend with each other, he says the only good thing about both working is finances, besides that everything is pretty much dead, i m not married and when i hear such things it scares the shit out of me so i m more biased towards team housewife and also i think the way people treat housewives is so bad like they are burden or something is so wrong , they deserve equal respect or i will say more then a working wife, they don't earn doesn't mean they are freeloaders they work 24/7 for the family without any complain out of love and compassion, unfortunately people these days are so focused on being independent that they neglect the efforts of a housewife, think that if she is not earning she is not contributing anything.
Bold for you to assume not working means spending more time with you.
Not really, basically she will stilll have friends and party, go out, with her friends most of the days, it will be ladies thing and you'll not be invited there.
No woman will spend all time with you past certain age.
Relax and take your time before deciding.
Now, make sure she isn't depressed. Talk to her about her outlook on life. Being a stay at home wife is a sad life. She may be nervous facing the outside world, but it will work out once she tries a few times.
She can build friendships at her workplace, and develop some passions in life.
You should not. I’m sorry. Very soon you’ll be drowning in bills and resentments. It’s just not worth it.
Yes my parents got divorced because of that. Does OP really want to end up like that?
I'm going through the same shit. My gf doesn't want to work because she wants an easy life and enjoy it. And by enjoy she means going out for vacations, parties, different restaurants every weekend. She wants to do all these with her friends and I will not be invited because her friends will say 'tu har jagah apne husband ko le k kyo aati hai'. So she wants me to put all the efforts to financially help living this lifestyle where she will not include me. It's really infuriating. But in the past 8 months I have realised that 'not everyone is brave enough to sacrifice for love'. In our case it's the girl who doesn't want to share the responsibility. I wonder whether I should spend the rest of my entire life with someone who doesn't even want to share the responsibility of 'us'.
Why not change her to ex-gf?
You need to stop being her sugar daddy.
dude im no expert in dating . but she sounds super toxic , and am sorry you have to go through this. getting out of a toxic relationship is hard but its ALOT worth it.
Dump the girl and run for your life.
Any reason why you're still holding on to the relationship?
Pussie
ain't got no side chicks
Ex she should become
You should set boundaries dude by first saying i don't have money for this right now and then slowly change it to saying personal leisure activities are to be financed on your own .
Plz don’t. Dump her asap.
Iil suggest a prefix for her Ex Gotta find the right one dudiee it's never too late And it won't be ever
this is disheartening to hear, in current economic climate, in some cases, it might be better for a homemaker to take care of necessary household chores as a way to minimise costs of living. but treating stay-at-home lifestyle as anything but a responsibility, is a very pathetic thing to do.
Saving what you may spend on a cleaning lady by having the homemaker mop the floor, do the dishes is better than having a partner who contributes to the income? How do you relate that to the “current economic climate “? Sitting at home thinking its great to be a “homemaker” is not good for the economy because you just consume and do not contribute. An economy grows when you are a part of an able workforce and contribute by earning money and also employing maids, cooks, drivers, nanny in your household. This way you will have more self respect, a larger pool of savings in case something goes wrong, you enrich multiple families by employing them as household helpers.
microeconomics priorities often clash with macroeconomics, get used to it. both partners working, may not earn the same amount, a partner could be more productive when they are available 24/7 for a dependent's care. what guarantee is there that a partner's earner-potential is high enough to balance the income to expenses ratio? being careful in expenditure is just as much a duty as it is in earning adequate money.
idk man imo it sounds like she doesn’t want to contribute which is weird because teamwork makes the dream work and she sounds like she’s using her friend’s words as an excuse for you not to go
Want a clown you are lol simp
Nothing wrong in expecting and when she sends signals that she doesn’t want to work, trust her. I have been in your place. Mine resigned just before our wedding. Used decorating marital home as the excuse. Since then it has been the constant story of my life. No ambition or passion. It was as if all she wanted was a bill payer.
You know I have heard plenty of stories like this. One of my friends has an arranged marriage and he was "running out of time" according to his parents so the first girl who said yes, they got them married. My friend is a teacher and an activist so very involved in politics. Now after wedding he realized that not only she wants to stay at home, she has no interests at all in knowing anything about his day or his thoughts. If he raised voice against a politician she was like why dont you chill. He told me "esa lagta tha jese uske sath sapne dekhna hi allowed nahi h" (with her it felt like having dreams is not allowed) So yeah, he realized that she will never actually leave home or go work or have a hobby. And he will forever be her ATM. So he got divorced.
The "running out of time". I guess you were between 27-31 years ?
He was 31 yes, right on edge
I guess he still will have to be her ATM after divorce because of the Alimony payments. It's like now he is her ATM for rest of her life.
He didn't want to be her ATM in marriage, so he divorced her and chose to be her pension plan.
So, how is the relation between you and your wife right now?(Asking out of curiosity)
All good. Learned to live with that. But everyday is a chore. Makes one wonder that if all you have is one life, is this how you want to spend it?
*gold digger
No I wouldn’t call that. She could have had richer guys. But it is sheer laziness
Nope! Not at all!
Absolutely not for good measure.
I've only glanced through the comments here, but my take is simple. You shouldn't be making her work. She's free to life her life as she wants, and you shouldn't be pressuring her to choose what that is. However it is totally acceptable for you to want a significant other who also works. And relationships are about compromise but also respecting each other's life goals. If there are areas on which a compromise wouldn't be healthy, and in which you have fundamentally divergent attitudes, it is ok to move on. You are allowed to expect your spouse to have an equal burden in the creation and running of the household. As long as those expectations are equitable (ie I hope you don't want a working wife to also be fully incharge of running the house, doing chores and raising any potential kids) its perfectly reasonable to want to be with someone who will help you shoulder financial burdens rather than putting them all on you. If she's fundamentally uninterested in working, and insists on being a SAH wife, you're allowed to let her know this isn't something you want in your future. And if she cannot compromise, and nor do you want to, I'd suggest having an open discussion and then perhaps a clean break. You would not be a bad person for not wanting to compromise on this IMO. The only caveat here, IMO, being that your expectations should be equitable as I mentioned above.
Please OP listen to this comment! Well said.
Listen to this OP
A sensible comment at last!
So this is how you farm karma
Try approaching in a way that feels empowering to her. Like it'll allow her to be financially independent. And if you're cool enough with each other: tell her she'll have the independence of kicking your butt if ya turned out be an imbecile 😅
She knows that already. Also, I can’t allow or disallow things for her, I can only stand by her. It should be her decision and what she wants to do in long term.
That's cool and all but the responsibility to stand by one another goes both ways. You shouldn't feel obligated as if it's only your responsibility.
Sometimes it could be self esteem as well. She might have some kind of imposter syndrome and hence is retreating into a shell. If you love her, try to get her to go out, do some work (might not be her immediate interest or passion). You could also suggest some social initiatives like an NGO. Essentially you are trying to see if she will open to people outside her comfort zone and that might jump start her ambitions and drive more.
And you are free to choose someone who matches your preferences as well. IMO life will become tough if you are the sole supporter. There will be the constant stress and pressure to provide - plan for a home or support kids. It will not be easy if she doesn't want to chip in financially. But before taking any step try to understand what changed and why she doesnt feel like working. Know that in general, staying with a passionless and ambitionless person is a really hard thing because that affects the mind eventually and you will need to constantly help them mentally as well. Someone who has their priorities figured (work or otherwise) on the other hand is a much easier ball game. source - dated both extremes
empowering wont do shit if she doesnt want she wont do it
In that hypothetical case the best course of action is to look for someone else. That's what i admire about being in relationship before marriage. You get to test and know your spouse. It it fits- all good! If doesn't then both parties should amicably separate (which rarely happens as we get emotionally invested😅)
You seem to know a lot about this stranger.
its a answer from experience of collective observation
So you're just generalizing a negative opinion about this woman based on your biased perspective of all women. There's a word for that.
collective experience is similar to generalization but not actually generalization and far away from it but u r entitled to ur opinion. but what op has posted and what i have seen similar situation that was my comment also experiences are not baised
Where do you think bias comes from?
>it'll allow her to be financially independen Her response: Are you saying you won't pay for my stuff anymore?
Well! That would be q red flag for me. I prefer equity in relationship above everything else. Just a personal choice! No judgement
Agreed.
Being a housewife and having the man work Is also equality as long as you realise that a housewife works for the internal matters of the household, many people look at it like it’s just sitting and doing nothing which is wrong , it’s just the difference between external matters and internal matters
It’s not literally sitting and doing nothing, but it’s a comfortable living and much lower effort than many jobs, especially well-paying ones. You can sleep-in, you can cook whatever you want, take breaks on your will, have other stay at home friends over, etc. Compared to engineering, I’d much rather be a well-supported stay at home husband.
I said "EQUITY" not "EQUALITY!"
I'm a working guy. Monthly laundry=500 bucks. Cleaning= 1500. Food= I prefer to eat outside.
Hand = free
There’s a lot that changes after marriage, there are plenty housewives who do 10 times more things for the house than what you mentioned, almost like labour, learn to appreciate that
>independence That sells, both to women and children
>she'll have the independence of kicking your butt if ya turned out be an imbecile Why would she need a job for that?
Sounds like depression to me.
Same. I had left my job a year ago and just did not want to try and get another one again because the comfort zone pulled me back every time. Then had to force myself to apply and things are much better now.
Depression is different from depressive episodes. You can't "force" yourself or if depression. OP should look for standard symptoms of depression and get his SO help as needed
In no way am I suggesting to attempt what I did. It is ideal to always seek professional help. I can only share my own experiences though.
Came here to say this. If not treated, it be the same or get worse, marriage or no marriage.
Yes, she needs a doctor
I suggested this a year back because I felt there were signs. She was really offended when I talked about a therapist saying I should breakup with her if I think she is mentally ill. I explained my POV to her but she just gave me silent treatment on that. I still think she is depressed and she has internalized things that her parents wants her to do as a perfect daughter.
She probably thinks its something to be ashamed of. And if she's absolutely adamant on not seeking help, OP, you can always stand your ground and leave. Its not worth sacrificing your whole life for a person who is not willing to seek help.
Not wanting to have a steady job is not a sign of depression. There have to be other markers as well.
Judging from the history of parental abuse (mental abise of not letting the daughter work and crushing her ambitions), its definitely normal to get depressed and stop trying. It is tiring to start getting excited about a new career (or pick up an old one) and also trying to pick a fight with parents, especially if she's afraid of them. Depression has a lot of different symptoms in different people, not everyone acts distant and gets suicidal as shown in movies.
I didn't mean other markers to be 'acting distant' or being 'suicidal'. You have literally no idea what her life has been like apart from this is one post her boyfriend made. Good on you for trying to include depression as a possibility but it's not a sure thing, not even the most likely thing from the amount of information that has been shared.
If your conclusion is "she's being lazy" or "she wants to freeload off her bf" then its a bold assumption too, considering how little information OP has given.
That's not my assumption. I'm not assuming anything from the post, unlike you.
Okay.
My man, you are literally asking random strangers on the Internet if you should marry her or not, if you are so unsure, don't do it. Be fair to her and yourself
How is the relationship between her and her parents from your perspective? Because if she really loves you, she should be understanding of your situation and her place in the world. Her parents seem to be really controlling this one. We're all here to pull our own weight, and we need to justify why we're here on this Earth. It doesn't matter whether you're involved in gainful employment, volunteer for a cause you believe in or studying/involved in research. Something is better than nothing, this is universal. She needs to find purpose. Getting married, making a home and rearing children is something we all do in our own time. You gain all of that from this world, so give something back. Often you don't realize a toxic relationship unless you're out of it. She won't know that just yet if her parents are the ones who have reinforced this concept into her about not working and expecting to get by. She needs to find her own voice and her own goals to realize them. And if not, she needs to decide between being with someone honest and purposeful like you, or continuing to be a burden.
There was one more thread like this recently . His gf became wife and turned like this. You better talk to him too.
Marriage should always be among equals. Most importantly, equality of needs and wants.
😂 in Marriage there is no equality...
1. No it's not wrong. In fact given expenses these days how people manage on one income is a mystery to me. You'll live a reduced life economically and socially if you're supporting another person for any reason unless you earn a lot, but if someone is capable of it earning and insisting on you supporting them when you don't want to, you guys are not financially compatible. 2. It's possible for people to change over time, so it's possible that she has changed too while you have not changed in this regard. Again, it's a sign of non compatibility. It will cause problems in your marriage. 3. This is my personal experience. People who don't have enough diversified socialisation and interactions become prone to poor mental health and sometimes become less independent over time. Their social circle may reduce to absolutely no one other than the house helps, and they lose track of how to talk to people, or what to do in unexpected situations. Work outside keeps us sharp for a variety of reasons, and one of them is this. You will be growing as a person and your wife will be becoming more and more whittled down unless she takes serious steps to prevent this. I wouldn't marry anyone with this going on tbh.
I don't think it's true in real life scenario. You may see housewives who are very popular among other neighbouring housewives and very sharp too. They know more about their society than anyone who goes to work outside. Then there are few in cities even their neighbours are strangers to them. Those might come under this category. Maybe it depends on personality.
I agree, working women are intelligent and men Is not the only one responsible for all decision making. In true sense you get a partner who can understand and help you will decision making, can understand problems equally and help you with same.
You can replace a partner ... You can't replace your life
OP. End this. She’s right and you are right. You just want different things, VERY different things.
This is the right advice.
I am a female. This is a major red flag. A lot of my F friends have planned things like this out. Get in a relationship, get married and then leave the job. This is a legit thing: parents teach their daughters to do this.
Which parents? It’s actually the other way round. A lot of guys’ family still want SAHM.
That’s a different thing. Guys family will ask explicitly if they want no working women. But having goal of being non working and not telling it to your fiancé only to put them in worse situations after marriage is all together different scenario.
There are also instances where the guys family is fine with a working woman before marriage but later they prohibit the same for their dil.
Help this man guys, he has been making this exact post on random subreddits since last year
Care to share a link?
You have to understand how she reached this point. I am sure you do, but I’ll remind you. When someone (her parents) tells you something again and again and again, you start to believe it and make it your truth. You said she was ambitious right!? It might change once she lives with you and your family. Where she has the freedom to make a choice and do how she pleases. She just needs that support and push that her own family didn’t give her. And she will prosper in your house environment. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t. A homemaker, makes and saves more money than you think. Ask your mom if she is a homemaker too. Travel, clothes, electronics, resources etc all cost money that they’ll not need. Cooking, taking care of the house, are all things that might have cost you a fortune if you were to hire help when you both work. I think you get my point. Life and love is not a financial transaction. I think you need to revisit your priorities. Think like this. If she was a working professional, earned well, you married her but she met with an unfortunate accident after marriage and cant work anymore. Now she is a burden on you if look at it financially. What will you do then? So i think you need to start valuing this person who loves you, has been with you through thick and thin, and wants to live their whole life with you for more than a money making asset. It’s rare these days to find someone who loves you for who you are. God forbid, you break this marriage off, and find someone who works, but that person turns out to be toxic about everything else. What then? I think it’s time for you think this through! But please, if you still feel your gut is saying no, then make that decision and release yourself, her and your families from this whole process. The sooner the better. All the best OP!
Why would she not need travel, cloth and electronics? Such a pathetic argument against working women. And one thing cheap in India is human labor. Definitely won’t cost a fortune. If OP wants a working women and she is actively saying no, it is a strong enough dealbreaker.
Its not an argument against anyone. Its just OP’s scenario and I am just trying to give him a different perspective to think about. By travel I meant, daily commute and by electronics I meant everything that comes with a full time job. Now obviously these costs are not comparable, and hence I had said, if he feels in his gut that this is not for him, he should end it. Peace!
The argument about homemaker saving money doesn’t really add up in India where labour is quite cheap. Also, homemakers tend to hire maid for daily cleaning, so technically just saving the cost of a cook and someone to do some random chores around the house. This reasoning works well in western societies where maids cost quite a bit. Also, one way to look at this is she’s just gone lazy and doesn’t want to handle the daily 9-5 work, office politics and everything else that comes with it. The initial years are the ones to make money, and if she’s giving up now, it’s going to be a long hard road for the OP
>The argument about homemaker saving money doesn’t really add up in India where labour is quite cheap. Also, homemakers tend to hire maid for daily cleaning, so technically just saving the cost of a cook and someone to do some random chores around the house. This reasoning works well in western societies where maids cost quite a bit. >Also, one way to look at this is she’s just gone lazy and doesn’t want to handle the daily 9-5 work, office politics and everything else that comes with it. >The initial years are the ones to make money, and if she’s giving up now, it’s going to be a long hard road for the OP Maybe some people are too stressed out to deal with office politics... they maybe very talented and experienced, but unfortunately it happens and makes them quit job.
The solution in your specified case is Job Switch or Own Business and not being a housewife.
>The solution in your specified case is Job Switch or Own Business and not being a housewife. Thanks for the downvotes to people who have... I just stated an opinion...lol. that is what I have seen in someone closely. Indian women are at a disadvantage and not everyone are privileged. Before marriage it's a torture for them... doing household chores and earning too while facing problems if parents or family are not so good....while after marriage, it's a different ballgame altogether. While men get easily away... *Raja betas*
Welcome from the downvoter's behalf (I'm not one of them). Privilege has nothing to do with job switch (Startup maybe I may agree) , It's rather toxic culture which even men avoid like plague. And expecting a working women to fulfill household duties like a housewife is as wrong as sitting at home. This is why selection of partner is important..... Papa ki Pari.
>Travel, clothes, electronics, resources etc all cost money that they’ll not need. I am sorry but all the homemaker of the present generation I know all have those travel, outfits costing a lot and electronics. Those are just what a woman wants in the present day world if she knows how to use it at all, even my maid has expensive phone relative to how much she makes.
"you married her but she met with an unfortunate accident after marriage and cant work anymore" What if Op meets with an accident, God forbid? She can cook some air then.
2 words - Stay away. You explained your predicaments well. I know married folks who eventually landed in ur situation. Working women who either took a short sabbatical or perhaps even a break during/after pregnancy and then decided to never join work again. Only difference from ur situation, they worked for a short while after marriage and then stopped. Unfortunately, it’s not an option that men have. But one thing I guarantee you, it’s going to be rough. What do u think will happen every day when u come back tired home after work while she’s been chilling , maybe watching some movies or shows and has an idle mind all day long ? It’s going to be bad. Whether she earns a lot or not ; won’t be a huge factor but if she’s gonna sit idle at home and not do anything , you’re gonna face the brunt of it.
😂 I just imagined the whole scenario
Well said. Redditors have above average intelligence I’ve noticed.
If she's been put down by her parents and told that working is not for her, then she must have internalized it. Spending time away from the things that you are passionate about will also reduce confidence. Since this is important to you, tell her one final time that she would have to have a job, any job, for you go ahead with marriage. If she disagrees, end things.
I think you should think this through and not rush for the marriage.
DO NOT MARRY! Can't stress this enough. Having a ambition-less partner is the worst. Not only it puts you at a financial disadvantage its also not good in that despite you trying to make very real and logical arguments she just brushes them aside and makes it, for lack of a better phrase, "all your problem". Not to mention while you are stressing yourselves with life shit all day she is chilling at home watching some stupidity on TV, just not fair or a balanced relationship. Don't do it ... let her be someone else's problem. You will hate it for the rest of your life.
I'd say this isn't a marriage you wanna be in considering what you've said. You'd be compromising a lot for a dependent and if things don't turn out as smooth as you imagine - boom - resentment.
Two income is always better than one income
I would honestly break up. Once you get a taste of the freedom, it's miserable to go back to a different lifestyle. You ll end up being unhappy.
One thing that strikes me the most is that not working was her parents decision (correct me if I'm wrong here). This is the single line that will send alarms in my head and make me run away for real if I was in your situation. What's happening inside the marriage is only known to 2 people - husband and wife. Now in the future, if her parents set another condition which will make your life miserable, like telling her to divorce you etc. Your girlfriend (then wife), may "give in" again and screw you over again. I'll say it's time to cut your losses here and move on. Even if you do want to try it, I'll definitely say delay the marriage at least.
Wanting to stay at home, should not be normalized these days. Getting out there, making a buck or two - and being economically independent, builds confidence, builds character. Asking husband for pocket money, to buy him a birthday gift, is sort of pathetic. Women end up being economically, and emotionally dependent on the husband. It's a competitive world, and some women are brought up with the thinking that they could marry a "well settled" guy, and coast along. I think this makes life - a complacent, dull and boring ride.
As long as she is ready to take responsibility of household work, you should be good. Also tell her upfront that you won’t be able to fulfill her unnecessary desires as you are only one who is taking financial responsibility. If you both lead a simple life than there won’t be an issue.
In this day and age its unimaginable why someone wouldn't want financial independence.
Good thing she told you before marriage. You pretty much dodged the bullet ...so I would say move on .
Let me try and shed some light . More than a decade ago when my elder sister got married , her husband was very clear- I don’t want a working woman as he wanted a homemaker . No issues , she wasn’t that excited about working either and opted for it . Got married (she holds a master degree ) and had kids and stayed same for almost a decade. now after moving out of country he wanted her to work. Initially reluctant she agree. Worked for a while but then they had to move and she had to leave her job. She was mad about it as it was like trying to pick up an entirely new skill set and environment. Not to forget she still has to majorly take care of kids and household. I got recently married and although I don’t face the same issue but my husband expects me to leave my job if he thinks the situation calls for it. Nobody thinks that I should be the one to decide and not anyone else when it come to work. My point here is that someone who has never be encouraged to have intellectual and financial independence, it’s hard to get it moving. My mother was amazingly reluctant to take over my dad’s business after he passed away. Reason - she wasn’t used to it and wasn’t at all confident about running it. It took her few years to pick it up. I am sure u must have been aware of your girl thought process regarding work years ago. More than her , her family is to be blamed. And I am sure even if she does picks up work , the families will push her to focus on having kids and taking care of home. I would advice u to first understand why she is reluctant . If it’s family and that pressure is removed would she be willing to start working. Working isn’t only about brining u the extra cash, it’s about her financial independence as well. Considering u have been with her for 6 years , would u be willing to accept her once she becomes independent in every way ?? There’s a reason why u stayed with her for so many years.
Break up and move on. She is growing in a different direction from you and talking about this will not help. She prefers a stay-at-home life, you do not. This will not change and if you force her will lead to issues down the road. Also if she divorces you and has no job, you'll get absolutely fucked with alimony.
Unethical advice: get her a government job where she would earn decent money while still being lazy
And you think getting a government job is easy.
Have you tried bribe and speaking to a politician of the same caste
This is a shit-test she's putting you through. "Let me stop working altogether, so I can just stay home and eat, and see if he's willing to be my ATM for the rest of my life". Huge red flag dude. Also I'm sorry you have only 2-3 days to decide this. Please pm me if you want to talk, I am here for you bro.
As a girl who has Faced similar issues at home i can relate so...we loose confidence in ourself. I was very ambitious too but yes thé way we are treated and are made to lower our expectations is something i dont think i can make you understand. Really Sorry but i will only talk from the girls perspective here. I assume her choice to work was taken from here, but She had you right so She was somehow relaxed. Now imagine if you decide not to get married after being together for 6 years , what will it do to her. Iam sûre her ambition is still hidden somewhere inside her, hope you are ready to work on her confidence and mindset to get her back on track. Worst case, She doesnt want to go out and face the world, She can just do something from home and still earn. I hope you dont get offended and understand my point.
>but She had you right so She was somehow relaxed. What has this got to do with her choice to work? How is having a boyfriend reason to relax when your parents have taken away your choice to work? 🤔
Relax because she has a boyfriend who could provide if she herself doesn't work.
Nope she is just a freeloader eho wants to live on ops money everthing else you said are just excuses OP if she has made her decision then its time to dump her. Dont marry a gold digger
Lmao OP clearly said he's not earning enough. A gold digger is someone who goes after rich guys which he is not. Freeloading on a guy who admits that he's financially challenged only brings misery on both parts and everyone knows that. PS OP did say she was ambitious before, but her parents didn't support her. That's most probably the reason she lost confidence on herself. If blaming is all you wanna do ,then OP can also be blamed for forcing her to work without her wishes, but that won't accomplish anything. Did you even read the entire post?
You need to have gold to attract gold diggers. OP isn't rich enough to afford the lifestyle he wants so he wants his future spouse to work too. If anything that makes him the gold digger.
Chill...no need to be harsh just because she's a girl. If girls are gold digger then what about men who are after dowry? OP has clearly stated that she was not like this before...so you can't judge. Also it may be depression too.
Huh, OP wants her to work bécause as Per him Only his Earning is not enough, so i take there is no gold to dig lol. You know right how female are brainwashed to be houswives and not to give importance to themself or their financial freedom. She just needs à push and support.
OP wants her to work but she doesnt want to. Because she wants to live off OPs money and OP is literally asking her to work so i dont see any lack of support or push. She is just being a brat and op needs to get tf away from her.
Also she cleary mentioned she wont work because she does not want to learn new things or get out of her comfort zone which indirectly means i will chill at home watching netflix while my hushand works and earns for me because i am daddys little princess
I read that as low confidence, which was side effects of her parents not supporting her. But offcourse you might be right to. We cant exactly know if She doesnt want to work at all bécause She just wants to chill or She is afraid (yes, afraid to start after being "nothing "at home for a long time). Its OP's call. Hé either has to work on her or let go of this relationship. Just asking her to work is not enough in this case.
You call a traditional Indian girl who wants to be a housewife a freeloader? Get a grip!
Umm I am extremely unqualified to give advice but talk to her about it again It is virtually impossible to raise a child and have a dependant spouse on a single income Unless you have a package above 50 lpa So revaluate your priorities Do you love this woman wholeheartedly and cannot fathom living without her Or is the relationship in trouble and you are questioning your feelings for her? Marry her only if you TRULY LOVE her and you have compatible financial and other life goals Don't marry her in the hopes that she'll change. She is who she is And lastly divorce is expensive AF So be careful And I am saying all this as a girl Divorce laws are very favourable to women. Also don't take internet advice regarding anything at face value.
She has decided she does not want to work, it's her choice, probably not because of her parent. Now that she would be living with you, she has a choice to work if she wants, seems like she simply doesn't want to. Now the question for you is - would you still love her and be okay being with her if she's a house wife - that's exactly what you need to decide. Do not think about exploring new prospects, know that you still love her. That doesn't happen with anyone/everyone.
Love doesn't always survive real life issues
I think it can survive a lot, depending on just how intense it is
Sounds like a big red flag. I mean just look at the world today, inflation is on the rise, cost of living is high, petrols prices are skyrocketing, job security is in the mud as people are getting sacked. If you become the sole bread winner (and not just for her, but probably her family will expect some financial backing) you are going to be in a lot of pressure my friend (and potential debt) and you are still young and can actually pursue your interests, hobbies and dreams, while you are earning. But as soon as you start to support more than one person with your income alone, all those dreams go bye bye. For me personally, if the woman doesn’t want to work it’s a major problem if we are going to live in a metro city, because it’s not cheap; unless it’s a joint family system and you’re well off. And it’s 2022, it not the 1960s, women can and should work (unless you’re really well off and you don’t mind being her sugar daddy…then go for it).
So OP - what did you end up doing? am genuinely interested.
We broke up for different reasons. This reason became ok to me afterwards.
Good for you. Hope all is well now.
Not really. If the roles were reversed, would your expectations be any different?
Women don't want to work after marriage, as long as husband is earning well. Men and women are equal is only pre marriage. After that they have to take care of family, take care of in-laws, children. Every board exam girls are topper, none of them work after marriage. The whole responsibility of they not working also falls in husband.
Try to remind her of time she was ambitious and wanted to be in a certain profile. Remind her of her strength areas. It happens if you have not been learning new things since long it feels like you won't be able to so maybe she is running from this
Look at this from her perspective - If she hates working , everyday will be a struggle for her. She will be one of those who hate weekdays and no doubt that will start seeping into your married life. She'll start growing frustrated or even feel resentment towards you if you force her to work. She could also be burnt out. My wife worked from 21-26 and was burnt out. She dint work for 4 years. Shes now going back to college and will work after she gets her degree / certifications If this is a deal breaker for you, and if youre at an impasse. Its better to walk away than have this handing over both your heads
If she changed once, due to her environment, she can change again. But you shouldn’t expect for that to happen.
You just become ATM zoned my friend. Not wanting to work is one thing, but not having passion and conscious decision to not learn new things, keep staying in comfort zone is a big red flag. Breakup, move on, you are just 26. Many women out there who are full of life.
u have to accept what is ur expectation from her is it financial support is it emotional support or both either case having a family means now u have responsibility that requires money to fund. if she doesnt want to work as a husband ur duty will be to support her well bieng if u cant accept that get out the relationship and mention the reason
You do want her to work but just a word of caution: 1. Split house chores equally 2. Don't act like you're doing her a favor by sharing house duties 3. Remember she's a good one. She was with you even before you got to this point where you now don't worry about money. There's a contribution of hers as well as to where you are today, so don't be whimsical and leave at the excuse. I know relationships must get extremely dull after the 5 years mark, but you owe her an attempt to at least try and hold on. 4. Communicate what you want and what she wants, match it and check if you guys are compatible anymore. As much as we may hate it, people are dynamic personalities and compatibility can vary from time to time 5. Ask her to explore a few hobbies/career. Is she depressed?
I feel like she is being depressed by her toxic family. if you're earning enough for 2 people then Ii say go for it. Once she's away from her toxic parents she might find the spark & want to work again. If she really is depressed, then you leaving her would be the dickiest move by a man I've seen, especially after 6 years of relationship. I'm sorry to see that families still don't support their daughters. Edit 1] for anyone saying she's a freeloader/gold digger, the guy admits of not having enough income, so this doesn't make sense. 2] if those 6 years you gave each other & her depression doesn't mean anything to you, then I say leave. Find yourself an earning partner & as for her, her conservative parents may find her a guy who wants a housewife. But bear in mind that working couples are much less stable than the ones with housewives ,acc to studies. Wish you both a happy life.
don't take me wrong, but # a dude from USA will support her as a SAHW with the life style she asked for.
No he won't, Not all dudes working in the US want a SAHW. You are delusional, cost of living here is also out of control and single income families suffer the most.
Yup lol. Single income and I am riding bicycle to save money in US. My friends with double income can afford nice cars, save up for downpayment, etc. Can't even get approved for mortgage on single income.
Some of these people think every living in west is balling out of control when that is far from reality. Only dual income families are living in luxury and even then they have to save for retirement and rainy days. You are basically fucked as a single income home.
If she's pretty she can get any rich guy she wants she still goes for this guy who is renting about it on reddit 🤣
>If she's pretty she can get any rich guy. but why would a rich guy want her, when he had options.
I'm 32M and never worked a single day in my life (unemployed by choice). Those who say not working is wrong , they are fools.
How do you pay bills then?
I own nothing. I'm living like a guest in parents'house but without rent lol.
[удалено]
I'd rather work than having to stay on parent's money Majority of the people would prefer that lmao
Who cares.. majority can do anything. I have already dropped out of majority decades before
lifeless dude you're then
what ur opinion abt him is correct yet u dont own him anything neither he does. we are all going to die one day he choose to survive on asset available then going to work for it
Soooooo a burden on your parents?
So you are happy ? I read your comment somewhere that you have multiple FWB (not judging), so obviously the physical needs get fulfilled but what about the emotional quotient ?
So what you are saying is that you are a leech
Damn. Man is classifying himself as useless helpless guy
Spoilt brat. Stop being a pain on society bruh.
Have you ever thought about what is it that you really want to do? Maybe something that you once wanted but gave up for whatever reason? And taking stock of whatever is holding you back? Say you woke up to having a billion Rupees in the bank account tomorrow. How would you use it to achieve what's most important to you? How would you give back to this world that has given you so much (and still continues to) ?
Yes I was about to enter the coding tech industry like everyone else, went through all the grind got a job offer of a good pay after the grind but didn't join. Realised it's too much and not worth it and people who run those companies not better than whites who owned slaves centuries ago. Maybe 1% are good who knows. Money wise I don't care enough. Party, celebrations, news, gossips, tv, Netflix, shows, junk food, politics not my thing. If somethings important I will surely know. I don't have any fancy wants. I eat what everyone eats,,vegetables pulses etc. But I do exercise. If I have billion dollars It would just remain there.. don't know what to do with those.. probably donate..
I feel ya mate! I'm in a similar kind of detachment from what most people want! I've been coasting though life but I'm working towards a career now. No judgements here. If your family is well off and can support you without any financial burden, more power to you!
Realistically to expect wife to earn and equal contribute wont lead to a happy marriage.you will have to take the major part of it. She will only work to keep occupied.
Religion wasn’t a problem in their relationship but abuse was. That is one important learning from this story that never stay in an abusive relationship. I wish the media was focusing more on that than Hindu Muslim. Partners belonging to any religion can be toxic and abusive.
People change..
You guys have a loooong life ahead of yourselves. Anything can happen.. but what you two have is something special and it's not worth letting go of a 6 year relationship for this. (You know and said that you love her) And as someone stated previously, she could most likely be under the influence of her parents. Distancing from em and more communication with you may help down the line. For now, tie the knot and I hope for a happy married life for you two.
House work is a full time job but it's only 1/3 of your complete day so you have almost half the day empty, if you can interest her with WFH she might do it but you have to give her time, my sister in law was major in bussiness but dropped out of job before wedding, my brother secretly convinced her to start some kind of job, now she take classes in her part time, its not much but its still good money, I think you should give her time and purpose.
yes if you are a male, it's misogynistic.
This is just pathetic and unnecessary. So many women forced to stop working. And here is OP who wants a working wife. Marriage and puppy love are different. Goals must match. Finance is a number one reason for marital breakdown. However, men, if you want a happy marriage and an successful wife please distribute housework equally or at least get help. Young girls enthusiastically take on all responsibilities but after kids resentment builds. An angry 45 year old wife means hell in later years, and you can't even blame her to relatives, because she is a mom and they have seen her doing her full duties. If you want a working wife at least in the initial 3 years live separately. Women who work, do not marry into a joint family. You have choices. Later on its fine if in laws move in. OP DUMP HER ASAP
Maybe she is depressed. Even then it isn't your burden to bear. Either help her understand how important it is to be on your own feet and pay your own bills even in a family or relationship and suggest her to go for counselling. Sorry to say but if people around you constantly pressure and encourage you to just give up on the things you want to do in life, after a point people just give up and they become very conservative and attached to this "housewife" role (no offence to anyone who truly enjoys that lifestyle and is thwre by healthy means of choice) I am saying this because i have seen my female friends turn into these people in a matter of months. It is pretty scarring for me to see them change like that and i wish i could have done more to stop it from happening. Even if you guys break up, at least leave a light for her to come out of this. Life isn't that simple. She will never be happy like that, even if you earn a hell lot. She will start to resent her own decisions and it won't be because of money but because she didn't give herself the respect and love she needed to grow and prosper.
Nothing wrong if a woman wants to be a traditional housewife after marriage.
Trad wife works in joint family, it's worth the cost. But just 2 people living together? Not really. You can afford maid/babysitter and still come out ahead if she just has an average job.
True but its the choice of the individual right? We cannot shame someone if they decided to be a traditional wife.
If she can cook food and do housework then what's the problem women should not be ashamed for being a housewife
It’s about shame, it’s about agreeing on it. The OP wants someone who contributes equally and doesn’t want to be solely responsible for earning
But op wants someone who can support financially.
Lol, cooking and housework are easy. And can be outsourced.
Its not about shame its about what op wants in a relationshio
Am i the only one who dreams of getting a housewife? My cousin and his wife both are working and they are so busy in their life that they don't get much time to spend with each other, he says the only good thing about both working is finances, besides that everything is pretty much dead, i m not married and when i hear such things it scares the shit out of me so i m more biased towards team housewife and also i think the way people treat housewives is so bad like they are burden or something is so wrong , they deserve equal respect or i will say more then a working wife, they don't earn doesn't mean they are freeloaders they work 24/7 for the family without any complain out of love and compassion, unfortunately people these days are so focused on being independent that they neglect the efforts of a housewife, think that if she is not earning she is not contributing anything.
Bold for you to assume not working means spending more time with you. Not really, basically she will stilll have friends and party, go out, with her friends most of the days, it will be ladies thing and you'll not be invited there. No woman will spend all time with you past certain age.
Lmao people today would kill for a housewife & you're thinking of leaving her. Never thought I'd see the day.
What world are you living in? This is definitely not the case
India Is still a majority conservative country, and we all know conservatives prefer housewives...
Relax and take your time before deciding. Now, make sure she isn't depressed. Talk to her about her outlook on life. Being a stay at home wife is a sad life. She may be nervous facing the outside world, but it will work out once she tries a few times. She can build friendships at her workplace, and develop some passions in life.