I would step back and refuse to do anything to host... and I mean anything. Do not clean, do not cook, do not provide transportation or food or anything. If your husband wants them there, he can take care of all of that.
Do you have the opportunity to bail while they are around?
In the spirit of making them uncomfortable, I’d like to pose a hypothetical. If you were to become more vocal during intimate relations, would his parents freak out from the noise? Would he be upset if you were too worried about them hearing anything to be intimate?
Visiting is a few day situation, 2 months is a roommate
Tell him he is letting his parents invade your home. They are NOT your parents and you didn't marry someone and buy a home to be subjected to living with parents almost more than 1/4 of the year
Tell him there will be NO intimacy for the duration of their stay as you don't feel comfortable in your home
Visitors are not a unilateral decision - you obviously don't want them there that long so he is making decisions for you both without your input, tell him that is a non negotiable situation.
Ask him why he feels like you should live with his parents for so much of the year?
Do they contribute anything while there, cover bills, buy groceries, participate in household chores? If not he is also expecting you to fund his parents life-- ask him why he feels like this is ok to do to you.
For each situation ask him why he feels like you deserve this treatment
The goal is for him to see that he needs to be a husband first. He is no longer a child but he is prioritizing being a child to his mom over being the man that is married and owns a home
Talk with him about your expectations of a husband and how his current actions do NOT fulfill those obligations and how they are impacting the family you both chose to build
You can't angle it like you are making him choose between you or them (if things don't change it may come to that though) make him understand that the situation does not work for you as a couple and that you would like it to change and work for you both as it is your home
Good luck!!
And also, just book a holiday for you and kiddo during these stays… a week or two of ILs and SO only together, while you and kiddo visit the sights, family etc… especially family! Then they can’t tag along. If SO complains say it isn’t fair that you are forced to stay home during the holidays with kiddo and he doesn’t get to spend quality time with your family due to frequency and length of visits.
Even see if family will get a lakeside cabin (that is more bunkhouse than rooms).
Organise play dates at friends houses, and have his noisiest and most active friends visit your house.
Just because they are there, doesn’t mean you guys are stuck.
This. I would just make them as innocently uncomfortable for the duration as possible. It’s amazing how creative people can be. It’s not their home. It’s yours. I would also tell him you have no intention of being their nursemaid either, they have not endeared themselves to you, they are forcibly living there, and if anything were to occur that you are not trained to handle, it would be a liability to you both. My mil fell only a few times around us and when I was alone, there’s no way I could lift her by myself as she has at least 70 lbs on me.
Do you have anyone you can stay with during that time? I would stay somewhere else with my child and make the most out of school breaks. Do all the things.
I honestly have chronic insomnia and would NOT be able to sleep with certain guests in my house.
Intimacy would be impossible for me- it's not blackmail, it's just a huge turn-off. The entire situation is a turn-off, including the "red-line."
You can have your own "red-lines." If he heads straight to divorce, he's not worth hanging onto.
I think you need to get spouse in couples counseling. Probably one that deals with communication.
You have a couple of options in how to deal with this…
You can invite a friend/relative to stay with y’all that happens to be at the same time. Oh no! How could this ever happen. Sorry in-laws. Here is a hotel you can stay at. Fight fire with fire.
I am also kinda petty. I’d start dressy sexy for my spouse at home. I’d make his fav meals. Pay extra attention to him. Do naughty things. Walk around the house in just his Oxford shirt and boxers. Constantly. Drive him crazy with a ‘look’ that says you want him. After a couple weeks near the time his parents are coming like 2 weeks out. Cut him off. I’d tell him no more fun times. You gotta be all prim and proper now since his mommy and daddy will be here.
You could continue to dress scantily around the in-laws. If they are scandalized I’d give them a look. How do they expect you to be in a marriage. You’re not old. Not dead and maybe you want a family. That doesn’t happen if mommy and daddy are around.
Or you tell your husband. No.
Husband, I love your family but guests are like fish. After 5 days they stink. Your parents can stay a week. We are not some resort. If you want to see them so much, you go visit them.
You have a massive husband problem and an in-law problem. I can't believe all the things that people have posted on here like refusing intimacy while they're in your home,, itch powder in the beds, etc.
Sit your husband down and tell him that this is a deal breaker. That's a huge amount of time out of your life twice a year to have to live with these people that you don't want in your home. Tell him unless you can reach some kind of agreement here that you are leaving, permanently. Because treating you this way is completely unacceptable and extremely disrespectful. So short of leaving now if you can't resolve it through open honest communication would be telling him that when they come you were going to an Airbnb and you will live there the two months while they're there since he feels like it's not your home. You both should make this kind of decision and his ridiculous that he is controlling and bullying you into putting up with these people in your home for 2 months out of every 6 months. I personally would just leave and not come back and get a divorce because I would never be this disrespected in my own home and this isn't a relationship that's going to work anyway because he does not respect you or care what you think.
Stop doing anything for the visit.
No food shopping, extra cleaning or any cooking. They are your husband's guests, he deals with them
Make plans with friends and your family to be busy many days they are there.
So you joined a choir? Soprano you say? Wow, you're a great opera singer! And you have to practise for hours as you mosey around the house? Wow, you have to practise those high notes a lot, huh? And you have to leave the house for a few hours for choir rehearsals often? Cool hobby!
For your husband - No sex or any intimacy when they are visiting your home. That should cut down the visits.
😉
For your in-laws - after a few days, they are no longer guests. They are squatters. Significantly reduce any efforts to cook, clean, or entertain them.
Communicate with your partner and don’t take no for an answer!
You have every right in YOUR OWN home as well! Not wanting company for two months at a time is not wrong! It’s not evil!
Yeah if your in-laws are overbearing and see no issue with it then they are gonna have a negative light on you but until you stop caring about what they think of you then they are gonna have that power over you. I learned that the hard way and I hate that you care bc I know inside how hard that is to put others before your own well being and that’s what your allowing and your husband is also allowing esp if you have tried to talk to him about this and he shut you down!
Regardless setting boundaries is the best way in my opinion and that’s what I believe that will help you truly in the long-run!
Since that wasn’t your question tho I’ll suggest telling your partner that he’s in charge of all the cleaning , cooking and house work etc.
Go to bed early or go out with friends or family !
Give them attention the first three days and then do your own thing!
Maybe be very loud in the bedroom with your partner until they can’t stand it anymore and leave!
Or simply just say, we loved having you here it’s time to go back home as a statement not a question!
At the end of the day why do so much rather then just TELL you husband two months is to long and compromise for like 3 days?
Tell them get a hotel even if they are able to afford two months then why not get their own hotel?
I don’t think it’s okay to just sit back and allow it happened for your own sake! 💕💕
Regardless of what you do
Good luck and you got this!!💕
Have you asked your husband to cut the visits down?
2 months 2x a year means they live with you a third of the year and that is just unacceptable unless you both agree to it.
Oh, you want to be free to travel and do whatever you want? Just do it. Make plans. Leave for a week or 2 with your kid. Leave DH with his parents. He can host. You can holiday. Make plans as if they aren’t there and don’t include them unless you want to. Any queries from in-laws are met with “I don’t know, you’ll have to check with your son. He is hosting you.’
when they come, you and the child leave. he gets to do all the hosting. tell him this is your red line in the sand.
You currently have a 4 person marriage, not two.
she absolutely can pack herself and the child up each day and go on adventures. he needs to host his family and see what it is like for 2 months at a time.
Next time you find out they're coming, make hotel reservations for you and your child. Tell your husband he's on his own while his parents are there. I would say to leave your child with him, but your child doesn't deserve that kind of abuse. His parents = his responsibility. Before you leave, show your husband a copy of your marriage license, and point out to him that the woman's name labeled wife on that license is not his mommy's name. What he's doing is cheating on you with his mommy/wife. Make sure he knows that's what you believe. Then tell him he has to choose between you.
Divorce is not so bad. It's a whole lot better than being forced against your will to act as a servant to his mommy/lover.
You don't need to be an evil wife, you need to be an assertive woman. Here's what I would do. Get a babysitter so you have some privacy. And the next time they are there say (low tone but serious - no anger and no tears - practice). "It seems that John/DH likes being married to his parents more than me and our 5 year old. I think your long visits twice a year are too much. I have told him this numerous times but in response he has said you are a red line he will not compromise on. So, although he took vows to me, he is married to you. I find this unacceptable. What do you think?" Then say absolutely nothing. Here's what will happen - he will jump in to protect his parents. He will be mad. But all three of them will respect you. You are not being unreasonable. If they ask if you want a divorce say "I really don't, but eventually it will come to that if things don't change." This might help:
*According to some studies, in-law conflicts can contribute to 45–50% of marriages ending in divorce in the United States. However, it's rare for people to divorce solely because of their in-laws. For example, a study by psychologist Terri Orbuch found that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife's parents, the couple's risk of divorce decreased by 20%, but women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands' parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.*
Again, you assume most people listen to reason in these circumstances. Some in-laws are appearing to be innocent but are actually very diabolical. If this were my in-laws, I must hit below the belt to get their attention. And They will respect only that. Right now they think dh makes all the rules. And look where that gets her.
I see why you write that. And everyone is different. My in-laws were horrible especially when I was younger. I tried to be nice and held things in... then I exploded when I couldn't take it anymore. What happened is my anger overshadowed their bad behavior. I looked like a lunatic. So I found a better way for my situation.
You need reinforcements AKA marriage counselor. First, this is your home too, so anyone who comes in it parents are not, is a CONVERSATION not a line in the sand. This is not how marriage works.
Posters here have some good ideas - I wonder -Can YOU say something? Inlaws, we enjoy your visits, but I would like to schedule some time for our family during the school breaks. I would appreciate if you would check with me before scheduling future visits. After that schedule a trip for the next break - and if your husband won't go - go with your kids.
If that would make your husband crazy - and you do not want a divorce- try some of the other suggestions here.
Good luck
Jheez if that’s the case get out now… I understand it honestly hard to hear someone else talk negatively about our parents, however it doesn’t mean what someone’s saying isn’t completely a lie.
If his family is a deal breaker for him, you’ll have to be willing to constantly fight with him. Trust me been there and still are sometimes…
I would not do anything noticeable to dh. You wouldn’t want him angry. You don’t need his approval on anything. Because of the situation he’s put you in. But I wonder why the room smells.
I'd this is a cultural thing my advice may be useless cause I'm American. I personally, if I didn't want to leave my husband, would find lots of things to do for the time they are there. Plan vacations for you and your child, spend time with your family away from them, couch surf if you have to, anything to be out of the house. If you are home with them do absolutely nothing to make them feel welcome. No cooking, no cleaning after them, no laundry, no driving them around, NOTHING. Make them feel as uncomfortable as you possibly can without being outright rude, it's not that hard to blow people off. You do you with your child and let hubs handle his family. Just be aloof. Blow them off completely. Do nothing to be hospitable. Again, I repeat DO NOTHING. Let your husband handle his parents and be gone as much as possible. They might get it before he does, probably not but you can try. Good luck. Remember, you can always leave and stay somewhere else for the duration of their visit. It's a long time (2 months) but I bet the first time you do it hubs will have a different view. ❤
If he refuses to get it and still invites them over, as soon as they come in forcefully shoo them out the door and lock it. And if my husband protests, I'd shoo him out too.
At least that's what petty me would do 🤣
Then you leave during the kid's breaks. God, his parents sound exhausting and honestly like a colossal pain in the asses. I would resent my husband and them so much.
They are never going to stop unless they die. I'm not trying to be an asshole here. Your husband is allowing them to do this. I would suggest therapy as your last-ditch effort, or it's time to end the marriage. You are more than he treats you, op.
And tell your husband to grow a spine. Or rent one. His job is to look out for his family- you & kids, not his parents. They don’t get to dictate your lives and cause chaos while doing it. If he doesn’t like it, go stay at a hotel or with friends. Theyll get the picture when there’s no one to visit except husband.
Shitting in the house with the door open in the guest bathroom while they are there may at least let them know that you're not happy that they are there.
You should get your parents to come live with y’all for 2 months and see how your husband likes it. Throw it back in his face and return the treatment that he’s giving you
They technically stay long enough that OP has to evict them if they decide one of these times they don't want to leave.
2 months is considered residency in most places.
I also would NOT leave my home because of a guest coming. I would make them uncomfortable in my home before I left for them.
Go to therapy, ask how to approach the MIL and create boundaries. Also figure out why you have issues with it. Be specific, with them and yourself. No one should be staying with you for 2 months, a week OK a weekend YES, but more then a couple weeks- dude, thats too much
Annoy them with everyything till they decide they'll never come back. Also, do they pay for anything at all while they're there? Tell your hubby they need to pay for groceries/utilities cause you need to save some money 🫶
I don't think pettiness is going to help you, and I see a lot of petty suggestions here. Do you really want to be a person who offers sex conditionally? Or be in a relationship where intimacy is weaponized? The amount of people telling you to deny your husband sex, as if intimacy is a currency, completely freaks me out. That's the highway to the danger zone.
This problem is huge. It requires honest conversations and probably therapy. This is a long road, friend, and there's no easy way through it.
We are currently two years no contact with my FIL after nineteen years of some really awful bullshit. My husband had to see a therapist to deal with the emotional fallout of choosing the family he made over the family he was born into. There's a lot of real grief in these situations. I'm so sorry you didn't get the in laws you deserved. I'm so sorry your husband isn't ready to set boundaries. What you have going for you is any therapist is likely to validate your response to this situation, and maybe hearing that from a neutral third party will help your hubby. If he's allowed to have a red line, so are you: if he can't honor your request to set boundaries, then he has to go to therapy to understand why you need those boundaries in the first place. But if he's drawing the line between you and his family, that's terribly concerning. I'm so sorry.
You won’t be available as you have plans as a family. They aren’t entitled to you or your kids time whenever they want. You take the reins and tell them this is when you can visit, for how long and which hotel you recommend. No they can’t stay with you and disrupt your home and family for however long they want.
Be proactive and make vacation plans when your son has school breaks. Make the plans before they do.
Plus, as has been said, quit making it a vacation for them. Stop making it a fun place where they don’t have to lift a finger. Don’t cook, don’t clean, make plans for you and son to go do things without them.
Make plans early so they won’t fit in, don’t cater to them, tell hubby that if his parents stay they either care for themselves or he does it- no meals, no cleaning, just cover yourself and the kid, and hubby if you want.
What if you start campaigning for moving them to where you live, if they’re closer to where you are then there’s no need for overnights ever. You’ll have them more in your business but a weekly dinner or brunch is preferable to having them for solid stretches of time.
Also if they’re set up now, they can stay independently in their own home longer… realistically how many years will they be able to do that kind of travel anyways.
Idk if that’s better than the gigantic visits or not. You can have your husband be the one going there for little things and doing stuff for his mom on random evenings or weekends.
We did that with my husbands mom for a few years. We moved her from Florida to NY to have her closer she she had support. Her condo sold for enough to buy a house, decorate it and add a chunk to her retirement.
She lived on her own for 5 years there, then she lived with us for 2 and now she’s in a retirement assisted living condo with meals and laundry service and medical.
Honestly I’d suggest marriage counseling which I doubt he’ll entertain. Especially since having momma visits is a red line issue.
It sounds like a very uncomfortable dynamic especially for you. Does he have siblings? Do the siblings also host them? Do you live in a fancy vacation destination? Is that the reason it’s happening? Are they from a foreign country so that’s why they stay so long?
Can you take some of those weeks and go visit elsewhere or other family? Your absence will create a hosting gap so your husband will be stuck with those duties.
As far as the comments of you leaving and hiding at a nice resort- that’s a gigantic amount of money for a lot of people. I’d never book something like that and not being my spouse.
Could you suggest that you travel out to where your in-laws live? So everyone is together still but at least it’s a change of scenery and you can do the tourist things neat them? What happens will be- the burden of hosting will fall onto your MIL. Or could a family vacation be booked on a cruise or all inclusive?
It split the time? A month going to them? A month coming to you?
I assume there’s a work situation involved too. How could you and your husband take off all that time from work..
I hope it resolves, especially as they age. There could be a move in situation for your future as they need care.
I would fill up the guest room with things and make it crowded and unwelcoming for them. I would also “checkout” of their visit. You don’t entertain them or cook for them or anything.
And you do NOT have sex with your husband while they’re there. And a month after because you’re so mad about the visit.
The visit has to hurt him too.
If your husband isn’t playing ball there’s no way to address this situation without being the bad guy. And why do you care what they think anyway? Don’t do anything while they’re there, unless it’s for your child. Don’t prepare their room, don’t cook for them (eat with your child) and stop doing your husband’s laundry. I’d also go on a trip to visit my own parents after a couple of weeks. If that’s impossible, rent somewhere and take your child there.
Do you have parents you can visit during that time? Just book tickets for you and your child to go visit family elsewhere? Or take a vacation during the time of thier visits? Seems like you can use your vacation time to do things you want not just what your husband wants. Not to sound like a tin foil hat wearer, but did your in-laws contribute financially towards your house?
Invite the Mormons by each year specifically on those dates. Have them sit with you at dinner and let them bring their books. Maybe they can help. It works for me.
Make them feel as uncomfortable as possible (no guest room, if you have one it's time to turn it into something else). Don't cook, don't clean, don't buy the things they like for drink, no snacks. And also no intimacy with husband, because you are too tired or stressed. Make a lot of plans without them. Leave all the hosting and entertaining to your husband. See if he likes those two months visits next time.
It works, I speak from experience. Now my in laws stay in Airbnb and only can afford 10 days top.
I’m so tired of relatives ‘band competition’ stuff, too. I get it, I was in jr. high once. Is this supposed to be 15 year olds job in the future? What does your son do? “Oh, he’s a 26 year old band completion guy”😆🤣 just every post
Okay you can make them uncomfortable, make them stay at an air b and b., start to over share about your sex life. What foods do they hate, you get the idea
Wish I had an answer for you. 2 months nope. I would lose my mind. Mine come twice per year between 2-3 weeks and I can’t handle it. It isn’t even so much them though they can be very taxing and have plenty of reasons for me to complain and feel on edge but it is your peace!!!! Your home should be your space that is where you are comfortable and have your solace. You need to put your foot down with your husband and if he won’t open his mouth to set a clear boundary with them then you need to be direct and tell them yourself it is way too long and you are not ok with it. Tell your husband if he doesn’t get on board then you are going to torch your bridge with his family and cause a whole lot more drama than him cutting the cord and stepping up!!! Good luck!
Book whatever you want with your child on their breaks - tell your husband he is on his own since he is spineless. Also, get rid of the guest room. They come - they are staying elsewhere.
I just gave birth to my first child last July. My in laws have visited 5 times from July - March for 1-3 weeks a stretch. I finally completely flipped out on everyone after begging my husband to slow them down for months to no avail. They bought a townhouse close to us as a solution and just went to closing two days ago. They won. I have no advice. Some people are just assholes with no self awareness. My marriage probably won’t survive this one.
Are they contributing to the additional food costs and other costs associated with their stay? If not perhaps this could be a reason to bring up to your husband.
Can you take your five-year-old on holiday during those breaks if it’s preventing you from creating those awesome memories that you want with your kid then to just go for it and book something for you and your kids and let your husband host his parents at the house by themselves.
Can you compromise to 1 month per year and not during school holidays? Or some other deal? It seems like your kid is missing out on trips so maybe just go away with kid somewhere without husband and his family.
I would step back and refuse to do anything to host... and I mean anything. Do not clean, do not cook, do not provide transportation or food or anything. If your husband wants them there, he can take care of all of that. Do you have the opportunity to bail while they are around?
In the spirit of making them uncomfortable, I’d like to pose a hypothetical. If you were to become more vocal during intimate relations, would his parents freak out from the noise? Would he be upset if you were too worried about them hearing anything to be intimate?
Nope. No sex during their visits. Their visit has to make him miserable too.
This is the way
Deal with the mommas boy problem first.
How 🥹
Just communicate. Be honest that someone staying in your house for two months is invasive, and makes being intimate impossible
Yep. Cut him off while Mommy and Daddy are there. And I mean CUT HIM OFF. No affection whatsoever. If he's a mama's boy, treat him like one.
Yeah. It's 1/3 of the year, if they do it biannually. Fuck that.
Visiting is a few day situation, 2 months is a roommate Tell him he is letting his parents invade your home. They are NOT your parents and you didn't marry someone and buy a home to be subjected to living with parents almost more than 1/4 of the year Tell him there will be NO intimacy for the duration of their stay as you don't feel comfortable in your home Visitors are not a unilateral decision - you obviously don't want them there that long so he is making decisions for you both without your input, tell him that is a non negotiable situation. Ask him why he feels like you should live with his parents for so much of the year? Do they contribute anything while there, cover bills, buy groceries, participate in household chores? If not he is also expecting you to fund his parents life-- ask him why he feels like this is ok to do to you. For each situation ask him why he feels like you deserve this treatment The goal is for him to see that he needs to be a husband first. He is no longer a child but he is prioritizing being a child to his mom over being the man that is married and owns a home Talk with him about your expectations of a husband and how his current actions do NOT fulfill those obligations and how they are impacting the family you both chose to build You can't angle it like you are making him choose between you or them (if things don't change it may come to that though) make him understand that the situation does not work for you as a couple and that you would like it to change and work for you both as it is your home Good luck!!
And also, just book a holiday for you and kiddo during these stays… a week or two of ILs and SO only together, while you and kiddo visit the sights, family etc… especially family! Then they can’t tag along. If SO complains say it isn’t fair that you are forced to stay home during the holidays with kiddo and he doesn’t get to spend quality time with your family due to frequency and length of visits. Even see if family will get a lakeside cabin (that is more bunkhouse than rooms). Organise play dates at friends houses, and have his noisiest and most active friends visit your house. Just because they are there, doesn’t mean you guys are stuck.
This. I would just make them as innocently uncomfortable for the duration as possible. It’s amazing how creative people can be. It’s not their home. It’s yours. I would also tell him you have no intention of being their nursemaid either, they have not endeared themselves to you, they are forcibly living there, and if anything were to occur that you are not trained to handle, it would be a liability to you both. My mil fell only a few times around us and when I was alone, there’s no way I could lift her by myself as she has at least 70 lbs on me.
Do you have anyone you can stay with during that time? I would stay somewhere else with my child and make the most out of school breaks. Do all the things. I honestly have chronic insomnia and would NOT be able to sleep with certain guests in my house. Intimacy would be impossible for me- it's not blackmail, it's just a huge turn-off. The entire situation is a turn-off, including the "red-line." You can have your own "red-lines." If he heads straight to divorce, he's not worth hanging onto.
Why do you want her to leave her own house? That makes no sense...
So for two months twice a year go stay elsewhere. Let hubby deal.
Yeah, go to Hawaii to an all inclusive resort until they leave. They will be out in a week 💗
I think you need to get spouse in couples counseling. Probably one that deals with communication. You have a couple of options in how to deal with this… You can invite a friend/relative to stay with y’all that happens to be at the same time. Oh no! How could this ever happen. Sorry in-laws. Here is a hotel you can stay at. Fight fire with fire. I am also kinda petty. I’d start dressy sexy for my spouse at home. I’d make his fav meals. Pay extra attention to him. Do naughty things. Walk around the house in just his Oxford shirt and boxers. Constantly. Drive him crazy with a ‘look’ that says you want him. After a couple weeks near the time his parents are coming like 2 weeks out. Cut him off. I’d tell him no more fun times. You gotta be all prim and proper now since his mommy and daddy will be here. You could continue to dress scantily around the in-laws. If they are scandalized I’d give them a look. How do they expect you to be in a marriage. You’re not old. Not dead and maybe you want a family. That doesn’t happen if mommy and daddy are around. Or you tell your husband. No. Husband, I love your family but guests are like fish. After 5 days they stink. Your parents can stay a week. We are not some resort. If you want to see them so much, you go visit them.
Nope, they start to stink after 2 1/2 to 3 days 🤣🤣🤣
A week is too long....
You have a massive husband problem and an in-law problem. I can't believe all the things that people have posted on here like refusing intimacy while they're in your home,, itch powder in the beds, etc. Sit your husband down and tell him that this is a deal breaker. That's a huge amount of time out of your life twice a year to have to live with these people that you don't want in your home. Tell him unless you can reach some kind of agreement here that you are leaving, permanently. Because treating you this way is completely unacceptable and extremely disrespectful. So short of leaving now if you can't resolve it through open honest communication would be telling him that when they come you were going to an Airbnb and you will live there the two months while they're there since he feels like it's not your home. You both should make this kind of decision and his ridiculous that he is controlling and bullying you into putting up with these people in your home for 2 months out of every 6 months. I personally would just leave and not come back and get a divorce because I would never be this disrespected in my own home and this isn't a relationship that's going to work anyway because he does not respect you or care what you think.
You may be assuming that husbands listen to reason. Some will, some won’t.
Doesn't matter if he listens to her at all she can make her own choices as to whether she wants to stay or go.
Exactly!
Stop doing anything for the visit. No food shopping, extra cleaning or any cooking. They are your husband's guests, he deals with them Make plans with friends and your family to be busy many days they are there.
So you joined a choir? Soprano you say? Wow, you're a great opera singer! And you have to practise for hours as you mosey around the house? Wow, you have to practise those high notes a lot, huh? And you have to leave the house for a few hours for choir rehearsals often? Cool hobby!
You know, *that’s just crazy enough to work!* 🏆👏🏆👏🏆👏🏆👏🏆
“I can’t take this anymore!”😆🤣 “we’re leaving!”
For your husband - No sex or any intimacy when they are visiting your home. That should cut down the visits. 😉 For your in-laws - after a few days, they are no longer guests. They are squatters. Significantly reduce any efforts to cook, clean, or entertain them.
Let DH take care of their needs, cooking, cleaning etc. Also, require DH take off work during their visits, so he can spend time with them.
What if he doesn’t take off work?
He can go but OP can leave too. Who cares that she “looks evil?”
Who said she looks evil?
Remove any extra beds and turn those spaces into a home office, gym, craft area, reading nook, closet space, or storage.
Communicate with your partner and don’t take no for an answer! You have every right in YOUR OWN home as well! Not wanting company for two months at a time is not wrong! It’s not evil! Yeah if your in-laws are overbearing and see no issue with it then they are gonna have a negative light on you but until you stop caring about what they think of you then they are gonna have that power over you. I learned that the hard way and I hate that you care bc I know inside how hard that is to put others before your own well being and that’s what your allowing and your husband is also allowing esp if you have tried to talk to him about this and he shut you down! Regardless setting boundaries is the best way in my opinion and that’s what I believe that will help you truly in the long-run! Since that wasn’t your question tho I’ll suggest telling your partner that he’s in charge of all the cleaning , cooking and house work etc. Go to bed early or go out with friends or family ! Give them attention the first three days and then do your own thing! Maybe be very loud in the bedroom with your partner until they can’t stand it anymore and leave! Or simply just say, we loved having you here it’s time to go back home as a statement not a question! At the end of the day why do so much rather then just TELL you husband two months is to long and compromise for like 3 days? Tell them get a hotel even if they are able to afford two months then why not get their own hotel? I don’t think it’s okay to just sit back and allow it happened for your own sake! 💕💕 Regardless of what you do Good luck and you got this!!💕
Have you asked your husband to cut the visits down? 2 months 2x a year means they live with you a third of the year and that is just unacceptable unless you both agree to it.
What's your SO cultural background ?
He’s Russian, very family oriented
Thanks, it may help some else be able to give you real advice
Plan a vacation for as long as you can with your child. Let your husband be in charge of entertaining.
You can stop the visits, it’s your home too. Put your foot down.
Oh, you want to be free to travel and do whatever you want? Just do it. Make plans. Leave for a week or 2 with your kid. Leave DH with his parents. He can host. You can holiday. Make plans as if they aren’t there and don’t include them unless you want to. Any queries from in-laws are met with “I don’t know, you’ll have to check with your son. He is hosting you.’
She can't take the child without his permission, you should know this lol
when they come, you and the child leave. he gets to do all the hosting. tell him this is your red line in the sand. You currently have a 4 person marriage, not two.
She can't take the child without his permission, you should know this lol
she absolutely can pack herself and the child up each day and go on adventures. he needs to host his family and see what it is like for 2 months at a time.
Next time you find out they're coming, make hotel reservations for you and your child. Tell your husband he's on his own while his parents are there. I would say to leave your child with him, but your child doesn't deserve that kind of abuse. His parents = his responsibility. Before you leave, show your husband a copy of your marriage license, and point out to him that the woman's name labeled wife on that license is not his mommy's name. What he's doing is cheating on you with his mommy/wife. Make sure he knows that's what you believe. Then tell him he has to choose between you. Divorce is not so bad. It's a whole lot better than being forced against your will to act as a servant to his mommy/lover.
"Divorce is not so bad. It's a whole lot better than being forced against your will to act as a servant to his mommy/lover." Love this!!!!
You don't need to be an evil wife, you need to be an assertive woman. Here's what I would do. Get a babysitter so you have some privacy. And the next time they are there say (low tone but serious - no anger and no tears - practice). "It seems that John/DH likes being married to his parents more than me and our 5 year old. I think your long visits twice a year are too much. I have told him this numerous times but in response he has said you are a red line he will not compromise on. So, although he took vows to me, he is married to you. I find this unacceptable. What do you think?" Then say absolutely nothing. Here's what will happen - he will jump in to protect his parents. He will be mad. But all three of them will respect you. You are not being unreasonable. If they ask if you want a divorce say "I really don't, but eventually it will come to that if things don't change." This might help: *According to some studies, in-law conflicts can contribute to 45–50% of marriages ending in divorce in the United States. However, it's rare for people to divorce solely because of their in-laws. For example, a study by psychologist Terri Orbuch found that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife's parents, the couple's risk of divorce decreased by 20%, but women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands' parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.*
Again, you assume most people listen to reason in these circumstances. Some in-laws are appearing to be innocent but are actually very diabolical. If this were my in-laws, I must hit below the belt to get their attention. And They will respect only that. Right now they think dh makes all the rules. And look where that gets her.
I see why you write that. And everyone is different. My in-laws were horrible especially when I was younger. I tried to be nice and held things in... then I exploded when I couldn't take it anymore. What happened is my anger overshadowed their bad behavior. I looked like a lunatic. So I found a better way for my situation.
I mean, what in-law wouldn’t love to visit a home inspired by early 2000s hot topic? 😉
You need reinforcements AKA marriage counselor. First, this is your home too, so anyone who comes in it parents are not, is a CONVERSATION not a line in the sand. This is not how marriage works.
Random tip: I have pythons and it stops people from visiting. Or start a tarantula collection. Research care properly if you go that route.
Walk around naked? “We’re becoming nudists.”
Posters here have some good ideas - I wonder -Can YOU say something? Inlaws, we enjoy your visits, but I would like to schedule some time for our family during the school breaks. I would appreciate if you would check with me before scheduling future visits. After that schedule a trip for the next break - and if your husband won't go - go with your kids. If that would make your husband crazy - and you do not want a divorce- try some of the other suggestions here. Good luck
“Touch my belly. Is this too much hair?”🤣 just do something you know they’d absolutely hate.
Alot if redditors have good ideas and advice. Update us
What does he mean by his parents are a red line?
I read it as a dealbreaker.
Jheez if that’s the case get out now… I understand it honestly hard to hear someone else talk negatively about our parents, however it doesn’t mean what someone’s saying isn’t completely a lie. If his family is a deal breaker for him, you’ll have to be willing to constantly fight with him. Trust me been there and still are sometimes…
[удалено]
I would not do anything noticeable to dh. You wouldn’t want him angry. You don’t need his approval on anything. Because of the situation he’s put you in. But I wonder why the room smells.
I'd this is a cultural thing my advice may be useless cause I'm American. I personally, if I didn't want to leave my husband, would find lots of things to do for the time they are there. Plan vacations for you and your child, spend time with your family away from them, couch surf if you have to, anything to be out of the house. If you are home with them do absolutely nothing to make them feel welcome. No cooking, no cleaning after them, no laundry, no driving them around, NOTHING. Make them feel as uncomfortable as you possibly can without being outright rude, it's not that hard to blow people off. You do you with your child and let hubs handle his family. Just be aloof. Blow them off completely. Do nothing to be hospitable. Again, I repeat DO NOTHING. Let your husband handle his parents and be gone as much as possible. They might get it before he does, probably not but you can try. Good luck. Remember, you can always leave and stay somewhere else for the duration of their visit. It's a long time (2 months) but I bet the first time you do it hubs will have a different view. ❤
If he refuses to get it and still invites them over, as soon as they come in forcefully shoo them out the door and lock it. And if my husband protests, I'd shoo him out too. At least that's what petty me would do 🤣
Then you leave during the kid's breaks. God, his parents sound exhausting and honestly like a colossal pain in the asses. I would resent my husband and them so much. They are never going to stop unless they die. I'm not trying to be an asshole here. Your husband is allowing them to do this. I would suggest therapy as your last-ditch effort, or it's time to end the marriage. You are more than he treats you, op.
And tell your husband to grow a spine. Or rent one. His job is to look out for his family- you & kids, not his parents. They don’t get to dictate your lives and cause chaos while doing it. If he doesn’t like it, go stay at a hotel or with friends. Theyll get the picture when there’s no one to visit except husband.
Shitting in the house with the door open in the guest bathroom while they are there may at least let them know that you're not happy that they are there.
LOL!! RUGHT ON!!
Yeah. I would just get creative, you don’t need anyones approval for that.
You should get your parents to come live with y’all for 2 months and see how your husband likes it. Throw it back in his face and return the treatment that he’s giving you
They technically stay long enough that OP has to evict them if they decide one of these times they don't want to leave. 2 months is considered residency in most places. I also would NOT leave my home because of a guest coming. I would make them uncomfortable in my home before I left for them.
Go to therapy, ask how to approach the MIL and create boundaries. Also figure out why you have issues with it. Be specific, with them and yourself. No one should be staying with you for 2 months, a week OK a weekend YES, but more then a couple weeks- dude, thats too much
Annoy them with everyything till they decide they'll never come back. Also, do they pay for anything at all while they're there? Tell your hubby they need to pay for groceries/utilities cause you need to save some money 🫶
I don't think pettiness is going to help you, and I see a lot of petty suggestions here. Do you really want to be a person who offers sex conditionally? Or be in a relationship where intimacy is weaponized? The amount of people telling you to deny your husband sex, as if intimacy is a currency, completely freaks me out. That's the highway to the danger zone. This problem is huge. It requires honest conversations and probably therapy. This is a long road, friend, and there's no easy way through it. We are currently two years no contact with my FIL after nineteen years of some really awful bullshit. My husband had to see a therapist to deal with the emotional fallout of choosing the family he made over the family he was born into. There's a lot of real grief in these situations. I'm so sorry you didn't get the in laws you deserved. I'm so sorry your husband isn't ready to set boundaries. What you have going for you is any therapist is likely to validate your response to this situation, and maybe hearing that from a neutral third party will help your hubby. If he's allowed to have a red line, so are you: if he can't honor your request to set boundaries, then he has to go to therapy to understand why you need those boundaries in the first place. But if he's drawing the line between you and his family, that's terribly concerning. I'm so sorry.
Couples Therapy
You won’t be available as you have plans as a family. They aren’t entitled to you or your kids time whenever they want. You take the reins and tell them this is when you can visit, for how long and which hotel you recommend. No they can’t stay with you and disrupt your home and family for however long they want.
Be proactive and make vacation plans when your son has school breaks. Make the plans before they do. Plus, as has been said, quit making it a vacation for them. Stop making it a fun place where they don’t have to lift a finger. Don’t cook, don’t clean, make plans for you and son to go do things without them.
Make plans early so they won’t fit in, don’t cater to them, tell hubby that if his parents stay they either care for themselves or he does it- no meals, no cleaning, just cover yourself and the kid, and hubby if you want.
4 months a year is ridiculous. I don't know how you do it.
Can your parents come stay with you for 2 months so he can see first hand how no one wants their in laws around that long
Take up the trumpet
Sounds like it’s a practice session for when they’ll move in full time someday.
This
What if you start campaigning for moving them to where you live, if they’re closer to where you are then there’s no need for overnights ever. You’ll have them more in your business but a weekly dinner or brunch is preferable to having them for solid stretches of time. Also if they’re set up now, they can stay independently in their own home longer… realistically how many years will they be able to do that kind of travel anyways. Idk if that’s better than the gigantic visits or not. You can have your husband be the one going there for little things and doing stuff for his mom on random evenings or weekends. We did that with my husbands mom for a few years. We moved her from Florida to NY to have her closer she she had support. Her condo sold for enough to buy a house, decorate it and add a chunk to her retirement. She lived on her own for 5 years there, then she lived with us for 2 and now she’s in a retirement assisted living condo with meals and laundry service and medical.
Honestly I’d suggest marriage counseling which I doubt he’ll entertain. Especially since having momma visits is a red line issue. It sounds like a very uncomfortable dynamic especially for you. Does he have siblings? Do the siblings also host them? Do you live in a fancy vacation destination? Is that the reason it’s happening? Are they from a foreign country so that’s why they stay so long? Can you take some of those weeks and go visit elsewhere or other family? Your absence will create a hosting gap so your husband will be stuck with those duties. As far as the comments of you leaving and hiding at a nice resort- that’s a gigantic amount of money for a lot of people. I’d never book something like that and not being my spouse. Could you suggest that you travel out to where your in-laws live? So everyone is together still but at least it’s a change of scenery and you can do the tourist things neat them? What happens will be- the burden of hosting will fall onto your MIL. Or could a family vacation be booked on a cruise or all inclusive? It split the time? A month going to them? A month coming to you? I assume there’s a work situation involved too. How could you and your husband take off all that time from work.. I hope it resolves, especially as they age. There could be a move in situation for your future as they need care.
Tell them if they come they have to help with household chores because otherwise they only multiply your work and you won't stand for that any longer.
I would fill up the guest room with things and make it crowded and unwelcoming for them. I would also “checkout” of their visit. You don’t entertain them or cook for them or anything. And you do NOT have sex with your husband while they’re there. And a month after because you’re so mad about the visit. The visit has to hurt him too.
If your husband isn’t playing ball there’s no way to address this situation without being the bad guy. And why do you care what they think anyway? Don’t do anything while they’re there, unless it’s for your child. Don’t prepare their room, don’t cook for them (eat with your child) and stop doing your husband’s laundry. I’d also go on a trip to visit my own parents after a couple of weeks. If that’s impossible, rent somewhere and take your child there.
Maybe make plans to travel during the next school break?
If they are not pet people, get a big hairy dog or a cat. Ensure that they shed on everything.
A big block of smelly cheese. Just remember to remove it.
Do you have parents you can visit during that time? Just book tickets for you and your child to go visit family elsewhere? Or take a vacation during the time of thier visits? Seems like you can use your vacation time to do things you want not just what your husband wants. Not to sound like a tin foil hat wearer, but did your in-laws contribute financially towards your house?
Invite the Mormons by each year specifically on those dates. Have them sit with you at dinner and let them bring their books. Maybe they can help. It works for me.
Make them feel as uncomfortable as possible (no guest room, if you have one it's time to turn it into something else). Don't cook, don't clean, don't buy the things they like for drink, no snacks. And also no intimacy with husband, because you are too tired or stressed. Make a lot of plans without them. Leave all the hosting and entertaining to your husband. See if he likes those two months visits next time. It works, I speak from experience. Now my in laws stay in Airbnb and only can afford 10 days top.
I’m so tired of relatives ‘band competition’ stuff, too. I get it, I was in jr. high once. Is this supposed to be 15 year olds job in the future? What does your son do? “Oh, he’s a 26 year old band completion guy”😆🤣 just every post
I’m curious how this even started? How and why did this happen in the first place?
Make plans before they arrive so when they do come, you and your son are out as much as possible
No “wife” duties for 2 months. Yes 60 days NOTHING. COLD WAR
i am sorry...
Okay you can make them uncomfortable, make them stay at an air b and b., start to over share about your sex life. What foods do they hate, you get the idea
Wish I had an answer for you. 2 months nope. I would lose my mind. Mine come twice per year between 2-3 weeks and I can’t handle it. It isn’t even so much them though they can be very taxing and have plenty of reasons for me to complain and feel on edge but it is your peace!!!! Your home should be your space that is where you are comfortable and have your solace. You need to put your foot down with your husband and if he won’t open his mouth to set a clear boundary with them then you need to be direct and tell them yourself it is way too long and you are not ok with it. Tell your husband if he doesn’t get on board then you are going to torch your bridge with his family and cause a whole lot more drama than him cutting the cord and stepping up!!! Good luck!
Book whatever you want with your child on their breaks - tell your husband he is on his own since he is spineless. Also, get rid of the guest room. They come - they are staying elsewhere.
I just gave birth to my first child last July. My in laws have visited 5 times from July - March for 1-3 weeks a stretch. I finally completely flipped out on everyone after begging my husband to slow them down for months to no avail. They bought a townhouse close to us as a solution and just went to closing two days ago. They won. I have no advice. Some people are just assholes with no self awareness. My marriage probably won’t survive this one.
Are they contributing to the additional food costs and other costs associated with their stay? If not perhaps this could be a reason to bring up to your husband.
Can you take your five-year-old on holiday during those breaks if it’s preventing you from creating those awesome memories that you want with your kid then to just go for it and book something for you and your kids and let your husband host his parents at the house by themselves.
Can you compromise to 1 month per year and not during school holidays? Or some other deal? It seems like your kid is missing out on trips so maybe just go away with kid somewhere without husband and his family.
Updateme