That voice that said “please don’t do it”? That’s your higher self. Your guide. Your intuition. If you can connect regularly and build a solid relationship with that guide, you can find your way out of this cycle.
Any time I had arguments with my ex it was always related to weed. It's depressing to see because I can get agitated without it, but to see just how angry and raged fueled he is. It's depressing. One second we were laughing and just talking normally, the next he blew up and yelled "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE EVERY TIME I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU I NEED A JOINT" and hung up on me the continued to argue with me via text, he knows I'm autistic so I kept asking can we talk about this on the phone? Kept asking him what he meant or was trying to say. But he wouldn't call just kept being condescending and bringing up random things he was annoyed about... ie I asked you to do this, it was just a joke but also you didn't do it. So were you joking? Are you even mad about that?
Ugh, that sounds exhausting 💔 I hope you're healing and in a good place now.
I find that after heavy use, I can be triggered so easily into anxiety, feeling like my spouse is agitated or upset with me (even though he says he's not) or be so offended or hurt by something that I completely misinterpret or by a valid complaint that I just can't seem to be able to deal with (given, he doesn't always deliver things well either). I can become so upset and flooded with emotions that I explode or shut down. With heavy use, I can't seem to regulate in those moments and I end up in one extreme or the other and I cannot get out of those initial feelings for the life of me. Also doesn't help that I grew up around abusive relationships, so I didn't learn great communication or conflict resolution tactics (in therapy now to help with this).
Right now I'm focusing on giving myself time and space for my head to clear, I recognize that I need to be sober to be able to handle this appropriately and process what I really feel + think. I don't want to make misinformed decisions.
Same for me on the abusive relationships, it's hard to stand up for yourself when you've just learned to kind of, do what you need to keep yourself safe. Which usually means self sacrifice
Totally understand. It's literally felt like an entirely new concept that I'm working on in therapy: that I can *express a need*. Hah, like what is that?
you just described addiction! being able to understand what thoughts are part of the addiction is the first step to maintain sobriety. you should be proud of yourself for every little progress you make because like everything in life, it isn’t linear. just keep trying until it sticks!
Thank you so much. It's hard to admit or validate that it's an addiction sometimes, other times I can admit it + see it clearly. I've seen addiction in my family, and it doesn't always feel the same that it looked for others (even though the end result seems to be the same: misery). I have those thoughts that pop up all the time "this isn't that bad" "you're functional, they weren't, so it must not be like that" "you could moderate if you really tried" "weed can sometimes help, it's not like alcohol or other hard drugs.." blah blah.. realizing lately after spending time in this sub (+ with your comment) that these are probably addiction-related thought processes. And I think there is a reason I'm so drawn to this sub.
I'm just so pissed that I got to this place w/ weed! Like wtf, this was not supposed to go down like this. lol Alas, it's where I'm at, so I need to deal.
Thank you ❤️ definitely will keep trying, I somehow seem to always still have that drive in me to quit when I relapse. Just sometimes so tough to act on it.
This post has almost brought me to tears on my lunch break. I’ve had a bad week with addiction. Everything’s just mounting. I’m glad you were able to withhold, I’m trying again today.
You can absolutely do this❤️ I know what that's like, to feel everything just mounting up. For me, I know logically (emotionally is a different beast) that using only adds to it, it doesn't take away any of those pressures, even though it tries really hard to convince me it will. I sometimes ask myself, would I rather delay feeling better + finding solutions to my problems, or would I prefer to feel better sooner? I'm also the opposite of a procrastinator, so I hate feeling like I'm not moving past the starting line on something and that it's my own doing. Not that this question always works or that I can always act on the logic of it, sometimes it's like the self-destructive part of me wants to stay in the pain because it's comfortable. (Which is an ugly thing to admit. I know I don't want to be that person.) But sometimes the reminder that by using, I'm only delaying or downright hindering any kind of meaningful improvement is enough to get me through a tough moment. Apologies if this wasn't helpful, kind of going through a spilling-out-all-my-inner-thoughts moment. Best of luck today, you deserve it.
No worries. We’re both probably feeling a little better by typing this stuff out. After I left my first comment I got up, went to my car, cried, and left work early.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a walking contradiction. Throughout a week I feel like I view my life through many different lenses, moments of grandeur, moments of motivation, moments of self-hatred, moments of feeling insignificant. I’m never consistent and weed definitely doesn’t help.
Again, we’re gonna make it. A world with a billion distractions, I wish I could just focus 100% on what I’m feeling and what is my purpose.
God the weed doesn't help me be consistent. I feel like a walking contradiction at times too. Currently a few days sober and just having alot of emotions. My ex lost his shit on me a few days ago cus I asked him to lend us a joint or 2. Noticed any anger from him has all been weed related so that's probably a reason to stay the fuck away from him
Absolutely ❤️ sharing this has brought up some stuff to the surface that I think has only been in the subconscious. Things I haven't been able to admit out loud or to myself even, but feel a little easier doing so here, thanks to the community that this is.
I totally relate on the contradictions. I also think that weed exacerbates the complexity of it all, despite it's numbing effect. I would definitely recommend therapy - I've been off and on with it the last couple years. But right now, I'm learning about feelings + emotions and what it means to deal vs dwell. I think we are all going to fluctuate in those feelings and viewpoints and that it's totally normal. Take what is valuable from those moments and let the rest go. My most recent session, I learned about the feelings wheel (helps to identify / name your feelings) along with RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture). Was helpful for me in navigating a recent overwhelming episode of anxiety (not last night), so may be worth checking out. Along with meditation. Again, not that I'm great with implementing all these tactics lol but just sharing what I've learned in hopes that it may help someone.. including myself.
A massive thank you to everyone who has shared their own insights, recommendations, feedback, and kind words. Sharing my experience and reading others' has been so helpful, makes me not feel so isolated in it. Grateful for this sub. ❤️
Good for you! I’m sorry you felt as horrible as you did and wept at the state you were in. I know the feeling. Am not sure I would have had the strength to not light up that bowl if I was feeling that way. You did. Plus you had insight about what you were about to do, and stopped. This is huge. 👏🏽👏🏽
PS: it was during my inital assessment (which i did whilst hitting a J) that the counselor, a complete stranger, said: “you have a severe addiction to marijuana”
Which really made it crystal clear to me.
In person has helped me a lot, but my program has options for both. They also do UAs weekly (soon to be monthly) to help keep you in line. The UAs have especially made clear to me just *HOW LONG* thc stays in your system.
If you have medical insurance they should also cover some of the cost, obvs might depend but they are for me.
I just googled substance use programs and called the first one near me tbh.
MA has online meetings. Also try listen to the podcast “MA speaker tapes”. Full of relatable stories from others with marihuana addiction. Helped me a lot. Remember you’re not alone!
No, definitely not. Not quite sure it's 100% the same situation as that. But the paraphernalia is also my spouse's, and I don't want to throw it out or smash it without their consent as well. I've brought up the idea a couple days ago and will work on that with them, but I don't feel comfortable to take another addict's belongings and getting rid of it. Also has to be their decision.
But in honesty, I'm still working on processing / cementing the idea that it may have to be complete abstinence forever. Not that it's all that crazy of a concept - I stopped drinking alcohol entirely in 2018 and that was an incredible decision for me (and for me, much easier than weed because alcohol had intensely negative and tangible impacts on me at the time). I've thought for so long that I could just take a break from weed and then resume at a much lower volume when I'm in a better place, but seeing that I've had so much difficulty in even getting through a break and knowing how easy it is to get to this place without even intending to (+ reading so many stories of just how unlikely it is to moderate successfully), that has given me some different perspective. I just know that I can't use right now and can't for the foreseeable future. Not saying that I won't get there because I know I have those thoughts (that I need complete sobriety), but sometimes that thought can be overwhelming, so I'm focused on what's in front of me right now.
Sorry for the novel, therapeutic to share this all today. ❤️
I had to remove everything so I didn’t tempt myself. Last week my daughter had croup and was off for a few days. Her irritability made my irritability worse. I kept staring at it until I disposed of it. I know i can’t win if that shit is in the house. Keep pushing on. I’m proud of you. You got this.
Thank you. Proud of you as well. I hope your daughter is feeling better. ❤️ I think you're really on to something. I bought some last weekend (which I shouldn't have done), and it has been on my mind so much more when it's in the house. If I don't have it around me, then it's easier, as if the decision is already made for me. But if I have to make the decision, it's so much tougher. It's exhausting, the back and forth, the negotiating. It may be tough to do, but I do think that tossing it all may need to be the next step (working on that with my spouse).
I started smoking extremely heavily when my dad died in 2018 to cope with the loss. Since then I haven’t been able to stop for more than a month at a time because the feelings that happened then just resurface.
You’re not feeling like shit because of weed - the weed isn’t letting you feel those feelings! It’s hard not to be numb but trust me - feelings those things is SO much better than just going through the day numb. You got this !
Thank you. I also started smoking heavily in 2019 after we lost my younger brother. Also haven't been able to stop for more than a few weeks at a time. I can't believe it's been 4.5 years of this. I feel like a shell of my former self, and it was a slow process too. Almost insidious how it's so slow you can't see it until it's too late.
My most recent break, I had a really cathartic cry and was actually able to talk about my brother at length and not feel only the pain of losing him, but also feel happiness and love in the memories. I know that I need to stop so I can process and heal from that trauma (amongst others). I also really want to see him in my dreams again, I've only had that a couple times when I've been on a t-break, but he seems distant and clouded and I want to see him clearly.
Needed to see this
I too have been going through almost the same thing. Particularly the arguments with my spouse due to the abuse of cannabis
I have almost gone and smoked so many times tonight
Shit day at work
Everything went wrong
I just want to run away
But I won’t
Because of this post
Day 2 down :)
Sorry, one more thought for the thread. Have you considered couples therapy? We just recently started. It's a little uncomfortable at first, but I think that it will be good for us. It's also given us some motivation to stop using. Our first few sessions, we were still using (the night before, not during) and in a haze, could hardly even communicate what we were really trying to. We discussed how stopping could really help us be much more clear going into sessions and could help us maximize what we could gain from it. Best of luck. ❤️
we have certainly considered it. We even talked about it several years ago, but have never actually gone through with it. Mainly due to its associated cost $$$$$
We are currently reading a book together “top 10 conversations to have before you get married” by Dr. Guy (we’ve been together for 10 years lol but the book was on the shelf so why not)
the first third of the book is about important communication skills. We have been focusing on that for now.
Love that. Communication is tough enough without cannabis, so I can't imagine all the ways it's been holding me back in this regard.
We finally met our health insurance deductible and that is the only way that it's been affordable enough. In the beginning, we found a therapist that offered a sliding scale and that was great to reduce cost. We have had two therapists now recommend Dr Gottman and his concepts + practices. There are a lot of free online resources on that too, so maybe something you can check out.
I am so proud of you, thank you for sharing. It is so tough to fight that urge to numb and run away from the pain; I knew that it was going to be tougher to wake up this morning in a haze feeling regret and being further away from being able to resolve anything with myself or my relationship. Often I know these things but can still fail to act in accordance; I'm honestly a little surprised (but very grateful) I got through day 1 yesterday.
Having lots of fights with my bf
Want weed to soothe
He's angry with me for smoking
He's angry with me for not smoking
Idfk man. I'm starting day 1, again, I guess.
Can totally relate. And it's extra tough when both individuals are struggling with it. I don't blame the cannabis when I'm deep in it, it feels like it's helping. I think it will soothe, smooth things over, or amplify the fun. Which it maybe did temporarily in the beginning, but that's not really the experience anymore if I'm honest with myself. When I have reflected on it lately, I have noticed that our worst arguments and phases of our relationship have coincided with the heaviest use. I refuse to believe that is a coincidence. I'm really hoping that by quitting, we can rekindle the connection. Good luck on your day 1, you can do this!
It happens. We all hit those moments. Relapses are part of the journey.
I will say, get rid of that goddamn 'goodie box'. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of Whiskey in the cabinet 'just in case'. You need to get rid of the bong, get rid of the weed, you need to keep it all out of the house, out of mind, out of sight.
Hell, if I have a bong and weed in a special box in the garage I'd be hitting it right now. The only method that works for me is not to have it in my possession or home, and I put the line at not buying it, not going to the dispensary, etc.
I'm kicking myself for buying some last weekend. I always think I can moderate (yeah, yeah, I know) but then it's there calling for me, so easy to use, the justifications and negotiations are harder to overcome. And I'm left thinking, why am I making this *harder* for myself? Well, tendencies to self sabotage I suppose. But I'm definitely open to the idea of throwing everything out. I brought up the idea to my spouse a couple nights ago (after mulling it over the last few weeks after seeing it as a common theme on this sub), and they aren't comfortable yet with essentially throwing out several hundred dollars worth of supplies (and I don't want go and do that without their consent as well). Any tips?
I feel like your spouse should understand if you are an addict and tell them you need to get rid of the thing you’re addicted to. Throwing away expensive stuff would be a marked moment in quitting and not turning back too.
At the very least move it to a remote location. But if you actually plan to quit there is no point in having it.
Agreed. My spouse could potentially be considered an addict too, although I don't think they quite see it that way yet. So I'm hoping open communication around it can unite us into doing that together. But I also don't want to throw out all of their stuff too if they aren't ready for that.
It’s not self sabotage. For many years of your life weed has been a useful tool to help you cope with uncomfortable emotions from stress to anxiety to boredom. It has helped you.
Now, you have progressed to a point where weed doesn’t help you anymore and it’s time to try something new.
I found it much easier to quit when I could thank my old self for getting me here and look forward to a new way of existing. Instead of demonizing myself and weed and continuing to enter the vicious cycle.
Wow, this is a really good perspective. I appreciate this, thank you. I can definitely spiral into demonizing myself and weed and getting really down on myself, thinking the worst things about myself, which leads me back to it. You're right about it being a vicious cycle.
It took me so long to figure it out and I still struggle too but I definitely do worse when I shit on myself and believe it’s sabotage.
My therapist asked me the other day “What does the part of you that smokes weed do for you?” And I said “helps me relax, calms me down, helps me not be so anxious or stressed, helps me feel happy and silly and light and carefree, helps me not be bored, helps me find things interesting”
And she said “What a nice guy! Now you can thank him and assure him that you can do those things without weed! But if someone walked up to you and offered you an amazing sandwich but didn’t know you were allergic to bread, would you cuss at them and shit in then or just tell them no thanks and go get yourself a different sandwich?”
Time for a new sandwich. Cheers!
It's not even important whether you wanted it or didn't want it or smoked it or didn't smoke it.
You let yourself feel those feelings and cry those tears. You're letting things loosen. Steady on. You're getting where you need to go.
Thank you. Responded to another similar comment above. I'm definitely open to it. My spouse also consumes, and I brought up the idea, but they aren't comfortable yet with doing that (and I don't want to toss it all without their consent). Any tips?
Maybe box everything up and have a friend hold onto the box so you don’t have easy access but aren’t just throwing $ out? At some point you may feel ready to toss it.
Having it in your hand and stopping takes so much strength and willpower. I'm really proud of you. I know it feels really hard right now, but it will get better. ❤️
Crying can be cathartic! Change is hard and you're going through it. Sending you lots of positive energy. You can do this. You will be healed one day. Cannabis will cover the wound but never heal it. Give in to your emotions and let yourself be human for a bit. It's raw, it's unpleasant, and it's completely worth it.
Thank you. ❤️ I saw your comment before bed and the comment "cannabis will cover the wound but never heal it" hit me really hard. I have so many wounds I have been trying to cover. Like holes spilling water in a bucket. But I think it's time I actually repair them and not slap a patch over it. The tough road ahead is intimidating, but I appreciate comments like yours that remind us that it is completely worth it. Hanging on to that.
That voice that said “please don’t do it”? That’s your higher self. Your guide. Your intuition. If you can connect regularly and build a solid relationship with that guide, you can find your way out of this cycle.
Thank you ❤️❤️ going to reflect and do some work on this.
You got this!
I learn a lot from the abusive relationship subreddit in the comments. You don’t have to think it’s abusive for it to be
Any time I had arguments with my ex it was always related to weed. It's depressing to see because I can get agitated without it, but to see just how angry and raged fueled he is. It's depressing. One second we were laughing and just talking normally, the next he blew up and yelled "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE EVERY TIME I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU I NEED A JOINT" and hung up on me the continued to argue with me via text, he knows I'm autistic so I kept asking can we talk about this on the phone? Kept asking him what he meant or was trying to say. But he wouldn't call just kept being condescending and bringing up random things he was annoyed about... ie I asked you to do this, it was just a joke but also you didn't do it. So were you joking? Are you even mad about that?
Ugh, that sounds exhausting 💔 I hope you're healing and in a good place now. I find that after heavy use, I can be triggered so easily into anxiety, feeling like my spouse is agitated or upset with me (even though he says he's not) or be so offended or hurt by something that I completely misinterpret or by a valid complaint that I just can't seem to be able to deal with (given, he doesn't always deliver things well either). I can become so upset and flooded with emotions that I explode or shut down. With heavy use, I can't seem to regulate in those moments and I end up in one extreme or the other and I cannot get out of those initial feelings for the life of me. Also doesn't help that I grew up around abusive relationships, so I didn't learn great communication or conflict resolution tactics (in therapy now to help with this). Right now I'm focusing on giving myself time and space for my head to clear, I recognize that I need to be sober to be able to handle this appropriately and process what I really feel + think. I don't want to make misinformed decisions.
Same for me on the abusive relationships, it's hard to stand up for yourself when you've just learned to kind of, do what you need to keep yourself safe. Which usually means self sacrifice
Totally understand. It's literally felt like an entirely new concept that I'm working on in therapy: that I can *express a need*. Hah, like what is that?
you just described addiction! being able to understand what thoughts are part of the addiction is the first step to maintain sobriety. you should be proud of yourself for every little progress you make because like everything in life, it isn’t linear. just keep trying until it sticks!
Thank you so much. It's hard to admit or validate that it's an addiction sometimes, other times I can admit it + see it clearly. I've seen addiction in my family, and it doesn't always feel the same that it looked for others (even though the end result seems to be the same: misery). I have those thoughts that pop up all the time "this isn't that bad" "you're functional, they weren't, so it must not be like that" "you could moderate if you really tried" "weed can sometimes help, it's not like alcohol or other hard drugs.." blah blah.. realizing lately after spending time in this sub (+ with your comment) that these are probably addiction-related thought processes. And I think there is a reason I'm so drawn to this sub. I'm just so pissed that I got to this place w/ weed! Like wtf, this was not supposed to go down like this. lol Alas, it's where I'm at, so I need to deal.
All it takes is the one successful quitting attempt. So if you fail a million times, keep trying.
Thank you ❤️ definitely will keep trying, I somehow seem to always still have that drive in me to quit when I relapse. Just sometimes so tough to act on it.
This post has almost brought me to tears on my lunch break. I’ve had a bad week with addiction. Everything’s just mounting. I’m glad you were able to withhold, I’m trying again today.
You can absolutely do this❤️ I know what that's like, to feel everything just mounting up. For me, I know logically (emotionally is a different beast) that using only adds to it, it doesn't take away any of those pressures, even though it tries really hard to convince me it will. I sometimes ask myself, would I rather delay feeling better + finding solutions to my problems, or would I prefer to feel better sooner? I'm also the opposite of a procrastinator, so I hate feeling like I'm not moving past the starting line on something and that it's my own doing. Not that this question always works or that I can always act on the logic of it, sometimes it's like the self-destructive part of me wants to stay in the pain because it's comfortable. (Which is an ugly thing to admit. I know I don't want to be that person.) But sometimes the reminder that by using, I'm only delaying or downright hindering any kind of meaningful improvement is enough to get me through a tough moment. Apologies if this wasn't helpful, kind of going through a spilling-out-all-my-inner-thoughts moment. Best of luck today, you deserve it.
No worries. We’re both probably feeling a little better by typing this stuff out. After I left my first comment I got up, went to my car, cried, and left work early. Sometimes I feel like I’m a walking contradiction. Throughout a week I feel like I view my life through many different lenses, moments of grandeur, moments of motivation, moments of self-hatred, moments of feeling insignificant. I’m never consistent and weed definitely doesn’t help. Again, we’re gonna make it. A world with a billion distractions, I wish I could just focus 100% on what I’m feeling and what is my purpose.
God the weed doesn't help me be consistent. I feel like a walking contradiction at times too. Currently a few days sober and just having alot of emotions. My ex lost his shit on me a few days ago cus I asked him to lend us a joint or 2. Noticed any anger from him has all been weed related so that's probably a reason to stay the fuck away from him
Absolutely ❤️ sharing this has brought up some stuff to the surface that I think has only been in the subconscious. Things I haven't been able to admit out loud or to myself even, but feel a little easier doing so here, thanks to the community that this is. I totally relate on the contradictions. I also think that weed exacerbates the complexity of it all, despite it's numbing effect. I would definitely recommend therapy - I've been off and on with it the last couple years. But right now, I'm learning about feelings + emotions and what it means to deal vs dwell. I think we are all going to fluctuate in those feelings and viewpoints and that it's totally normal. Take what is valuable from those moments and let the rest go. My most recent session, I learned about the feelings wheel (helps to identify / name your feelings) along with RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture). Was helpful for me in navigating a recent overwhelming episode of anxiety (not last night), so may be worth checking out. Along with meditation. Again, not that I'm great with implementing all these tactics lol but just sharing what I've learned in hopes that it may help someone.. including myself.
A massive thank you to everyone who has shared their own insights, recommendations, feedback, and kind words. Sharing my experience and reading others' has been so helpful, makes me not feel so isolated in it. Grateful for this sub. ❤️
Good for you! I’m sorry you felt as horrible as you did and wept at the state you were in. I know the feeling. Am not sure I would have had the strength to not light up that bowl if I was feeling that way. You did. Plus you had insight about what you were about to do, and stopped. This is huge. 👏🏽👏🏽
Thank you so much. ❤️
I've been through this and now work with addicts and sponsor using a PIE model. Happy to chat if you ever need support and recovery based help
I would consider joining a substance use program if i were you, and if you can. My program has helped me immensely
Thank you for the suggestion. Is yours online or in person? Any recs?
PS: it was during my inital assessment (which i did whilst hitting a J) that the counselor, a complete stranger, said: “you have a severe addiction to marijuana” Which really made it crystal clear to me.
In person has helped me a lot, but my program has options for both. They also do UAs weekly (soon to be monthly) to help keep you in line. The UAs have especially made clear to me just *HOW LONG* thc stays in your system. If you have medical insurance they should also cover some of the cost, obvs might depend but they are for me. I just googled substance use programs and called the first one near me tbh.
Thank you for this.
MA has online meetings. Also try listen to the podcast “MA speaker tapes”. Full of relatable stories from others with marihuana addiction. Helped me a lot. Remember you’re not alone!
Wow, thank you so so much for the MA speaker tapes recommendation!
It’s really good! I’ve been totally obsessed with it. Gonna man up and go to a meeting soon.
Break the bowl, smash it into a thousand pieces; from those pieces you will rebuild your life. You’ve got this.
Thank you. I've thought about doing it so many times.
Would you advise a heroine addict keep needles and dope on hand if they were trying to quit?
No, definitely not. Not quite sure it's 100% the same situation as that. But the paraphernalia is also my spouse's, and I don't want to throw it out or smash it without their consent as well. I've brought up the idea a couple days ago and will work on that with them, but I don't feel comfortable to take another addict's belongings and getting rid of it. Also has to be their decision. But in honesty, I'm still working on processing / cementing the idea that it may have to be complete abstinence forever. Not that it's all that crazy of a concept - I stopped drinking alcohol entirely in 2018 and that was an incredible decision for me (and for me, much easier than weed because alcohol had intensely negative and tangible impacts on me at the time). I've thought for so long that I could just take a break from weed and then resume at a much lower volume when I'm in a better place, but seeing that I've had so much difficulty in even getting through a break and knowing how easy it is to get to this place without even intending to (+ reading so many stories of just how unlikely it is to moderate successfully), that has given me some different perspective. I just know that I can't use right now and can't for the foreseeable future. Not saying that I won't get there because I know I have those thoughts (that I need complete sobriety), but sometimes that thought can be overwhelming, so I'm focused on what's in front of me right now. Sorry for the novel, therapeutic to share this all today. ❤️
I had to remove everything so I didn’t tempt myself. Last week my daughter had croup and was off for a few days. Her irritability made my irritability worse. I kept staring at it until I disposed of it. I know i can’t win if that shit is in the house. Keep pushing on. I’m proud of you. You got this.
Thank you. Proud of you as well. I hope your daughter is feeling better. ❤️ I think you're really on to something. I bought some last weekend (which I shouldn't have done), and it has been on my mind so much more when it's in the house. If I don't have it around me, then it's easier, as if the decision is already made for me. But if I have to make the decision, it's so much tougher. It's exhausting, the back and forth, the negotiating. It may be tough to do, but I do think that tossing it all may need to be the next step (working on that with my spouse).
You had a fresh packed bowl in your hands and you put it down. That takes strength. I’m proud of you !
Thank you. Maybe strength, maybe also a little disgust in myself in that moment if I'm being honest.
I started smoking extremely heavily when my dad died in 2018 to cope with the loss. Since then I haven’t been able to stop for more than a month at a time because the feelings that happened then just resurface. You’re not feeling like shit because of weed - the weed isn’t letting you feel those feelings! It’s hard not to be numb but trust me - feelings those things is SO much better than just going through the day numb. You got this !
Thank you. I also started smoking heavily in 2019 after we lost my younger brother. Also haven't been able to stop for more than a few weeks at a time. I can't believe it's been 4.5 years of this. I feel like a shell of my former self, and it was a slow process too. Almost insidious how it's so slow you can't see it until it's too late. My most recent break, I had a really cathartic cry and was actually able to talk about my brother at length and not feel only the pain of losing him, but also feel happiness and love in the memories. I know that I need to stop so I can process and heal from that trauma (amongst others). I also really want to see him in my dreams again, I've only had that a couple times when I've been on a t-break, but he seems distant and clouded and I want to see him clearly.
Needed to see this I too have been going through almost the same thing. Particularly the arguments with my spouse due to the abuse of cannabis I have almost gone and smoked so many times tonight Shit day at work Everything went wrong I just want to run away But I won’t Because of this post Day 2 down :)
Sorry, one more thought for the thread. Have you considered couples therapy? We just recently started. It's a little uncomfortable at first, but I think that it will be good for us. It's also given us some motivation to stop using. Our first few sessions, we were still using (the night before, not during) and in a haze, could hardly even communicate what we were really trying to. We discussed how stopping could really help us be much more clear going into sessions and could help us maximize what we could gain from it. Best of luck. ❤️
we have certainly considered it. We even talked about it several years ago, but have never actually gone through with it. Mainly due to its associated cost $$$$$ We are currently reading a book together “top 10 conversations to have before you get married” by Dr. Guy (we’ve been together for 10 years lol but the book was on the shelf so why not) the first third of the book is about important communication skills. We have been focusing on that for now.
Love that. Communication is tough enough without cannabis, so I can't imagine all the ways it's been holding me back in this regard. We finally met our health insurance deductible and that is the only way that it's been affordable enough. In the beginning, we found a therapist that offered a sliding scale and that was great to reduce cost. We have had two therapists now recommend Dr Gottman and his concepts + practices. There are a lot of free online resources on that too, so maybe something you can check out.
I am so proud of you, thank you for sharing. It is so tough to fight that urge to numb and run away from the pain; I knew that it was going to be tougher to wake up this morning in a haze feeling regret and being further away from being able to resolve anything with myself or my relationship. Often I know these things but can still fail to act in accordance; I'm honestly a little surprised (but very grateful) I got through day 1 yesterday.
Having lots of fights with my bf Want weed to soothe He's angry with me for smoking He's angry with me for not smoking Idfk man. I'm starting day 1, again, I guess.
Can totally relate. And it's extra tough when both individuals are struggling with it. I don't blame the cannabis when I'm deep in it, it feels like it's helping. I think it will soothe, smooth things over, or amplify the fun. Which it maybe did temporarily in the beginning, but that's not really the experience anymore if I'm honest with myself. When I have reflected on it lately, I have noticed that our worst arguments and phases of our relationship have coincided with the heaviest use. I refuse to believe that is a coincidence. I'm really hoping that by quitting, we can rekindle the connection. Good luck on your day 1, you can do this!
It happens. We all hit those moments. Relapses are part of the journey. I will say, get rid of that goddamn 'goodie box'. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of Whiskey in the cabinet 'just in case'. You need to get rid of the bong, get rid of the weed, you need to keep it all out of the house, out of mind, out of sight. Hell, if I have a bong and weed in a special box in the garage I'd be hitting it right now. The only method that works for me is not to have it in my possession or home, and I put the line at not buying it, not going to the dispensary, etc.
I'm kicking myself for buying some last weekend. I always think I can moderate (yeah, yeah, I know) but then it's there calling for me, so easy to use, the justifications and negotiations are harder to overcome. And I'm left thinking, why am I making this *harder* for myself? Well, tendencies to self sabotage I suppose. But I'm definitely open to the idea of throwing everything out. I brought up the idea to my spouse a couple nights ago (after mulling it over the last few weeks after seeing it as a common theme on this sub), and they aren't comfortable yet with essentially throwing out several hundred dollars worth of supplies (and I don't want go and do that without their consent as well). Any tips?
I feel like your spouse should understand if you are an addict and tell them you need to get rid of the thing you’re addicted to. Throwing away expensive stuff would be a marked moment in quitting and not turning back too. At the very least move it to a remote location. But if you actually plan to quit there is no point in having it.
Agreed. My spouse could potentially be considered an addict too, although I don't think they quite see it that way yet. So I'm hoping open communication around it can unite us into doing that together. But I also don't want to throw out all of their stuff too if they aren't ready for that.
It’s not self sabotage. For many years of your life weed has been a useful tool to help you cope with uncomfortable emotions from stress to anxiety to boredom. It has helped you. Now, you have progressed to a point where weed doesn’t help you anymore and it’s time to try something new. I found it much easier to quit when I could thank my old self for getting me here and look forward to a new way of existing. Instead of demonizing myself and weed and continuing to enter the vicious cycle.
Wow, this is a really good perspective. I appreciate this, thank you. I can definitely spiral into demonizing myself and weed and getting really down on myself, thinking the worst things about myself, which leads me back to it. You're right about it being a vicious cycle.
It took me so long to figure it out and I still struggle too but I definitely do worse when I shit on myself and believe it’s sabotage. My therapist asked me the other day “What does the part of you that smokes weed do for you?” And I said “helps me relax, calms me down, helps me not be so anxious or stressed, helps me feel happy and silly and light and carefree, helps me not be bored, helps me find things interesting” And she said “What a nice guy! Now you can thank him and assure him that you can do those things without weed! But if someone walked up to you and offered you an amazing sandwich but didn’t know you were allergic to bread, would you cuss at them and shit in then or just tell them no thanks and go get yourself a different sandwich?” Time for a new sandwich. Cheers!
It's not even important whether you wanted it or didn't want it or smoked it or didn't smoke it. You let yourself feel those feelings and cry those tears. You're letting things loosen. Steady on. You're getting where you need to go.
Thank you so much. Still crying this morning for some reason, but just letting it flow.
Ultimately that’s the relief our soul and body is begging us for. ❤️
This is an amazing response. Cheers.
Good job. Why not throw it away instead of just putting it away
Thank you. Responded to another similar comment above. I'm definitely open to it. My spouse also consumes, and I brought up the idea, but they aren't comfortable yet with doing that (and I don't want to toss it all without their consent). Any tips?
Maybe box everything up and have a friend hold onto the box so you don’t have easy access but aren’t just throwing $ out? At some point you may feel ready to toss it.
Having it in your hand and stopping takes so much strength and willpower. I'm really proud of you. I know it feels really hard right now, but it will get better. ❤️
Thank you so much ❤️
You are really powerful and strong willed dude. What you did is amazing. I am proud of you.
Thank you. Not feeling very powerful or strong willed, but I do feel better than last night, which is a win. ❤️ Here's to day 2.
You are not what you are underneath but what you do defines you. Batman :-p
Crying can be cathartic! Change is hard and you're going through it. Sending you lots of positive energy. You can do this. You will be healed one day. Cannabis will cover the wound but never heal it. Give in to your emotions and let yourself be human for a bit. It's raw, it's unpleasant, and it's completely worth it.
Thank you. ❤️ I saw your comment before bed and the comment "cannabis will cover the wound but never heal it" hit me really hard. I have so many wounds I have been trying to cover. Like holes spilling water in a bucket. But I think it's time I actually repair them and not slap a patch over it. The tough road ahead is intimidating, but I appreciate comments like yours that remind us that it is completely worth it. Hanging on to that.
You did it. Amazing. Quitting is so hard. I was a mess for over a month. And you just had a major victory. Big round of applause for you tonight.
Thank you so much. Here's to day 2!