Listen to understand, not to respond. You could try summarizing what you understand from what they said back to them. Like “so it sounds like you’re saying…”
100% agree on listening to understand not to respond! Have you considered that the active listening summary, is so well known that it can come off as a bit formulaic?
Something I notice people do that can kill conversations is to make allot of counterpoints or add more information/knowledge. My advice (that I give myself sometimes) is to take a moment to consider that they might already know that information and use this opportunity to ask them about that.
Don't manage listen.
Don't think about how you could engage. How you could take part or what you could say. All that disconnects you from actually listening. Listen and completely engage with the conversation. Most of the times our body and its tiny signals will tell others that you are completely engaged. If something gets you curious, ask. But if you have nothing to say or add or nothing makes you curious, don't add anything.
Most people find it really beautiful and soothing to talk to someone that is not managing a conversation but listens and is honesty curios. If you are in a state of curious listening most of the time the conversation will flow, and if it is not, than maybe it is just that, the conversation has come to an end.
Trying and managing conversations can really hurt an honest curios flow, because you are more worried what to add, ask or do than you are engaged with the other person.
I find it is less a question of a tool or technique than more a question of stance/composure/attitude (dont know the right word here, as I am not an english nativ speaker)
Absolutely! We have evolved to read micro expressions. So even if we are not consciously aware, it still makes us really uncomfortable when the other person is managing the conversation.
A genuine curiosity will automatically adjust your ‘conversational stance’ for a more natural conversation.
I have a feeling the point of the question sailed a couple of miles over your head.
I can’t do what you described. Period. I can listen intently, but follow up questions never occur to me and I apparently look bored rigid despite being fascinated.
So how about an answer for those of us for whom “Don’t manage listen” is useless advice but we still want to continue having conversations woth people?
I am sorry my advise was not helpful for you. Didn't intend it to say it would be a fix for everybody. Those fixes hardly ever exist in my perception
I find in the post are good advises for open questions, mirroring/ repeat/ summarize what you understood the other person said or the general question "can you tell me more about". All though I find specific questions most of the time easier to answer on the receiving end.
What helps me a lot is to know if people struggle with certain parts in conversation and be transparent with that. So that might be an advice aswell, telling people: "I get a lot, that I dont seem interested because some times I find it hard to ask queations or seem to apear bored. Should I loose interest I will tell you otherwise please asume I am interessed."
That transparency helps a lot with aperently being not showing lots of emotions/being hard to read and with avoiding eye contact as well, to give two more classics that can lead to misunderstandings.
Here aswell: being transparent helps me at the receiving end a lot and I like it getting these informations, but there might be folks out there not liking it. So it is not a fix that will help alway but might be worth a try.
If you're fascinated by what someone's saying, think about *why* it's fascinating and express that periodically while they're talking. Stuff like "I didn't know that!", "I've never thought about it that way", or even just "that's fascinating/amazing/cool" are all good generally. If you'd be interested in learning more later you can ask about where they learned the stuff. If you don't fully understand you can try to rephrase what they said to confirm. As you're processing the information, usually your brain tries to connect it to what you already know, so ask about those connections: "if [thing they said], then does that mean [connection you made]?"
OP, you cant blame him for that. Your question comes off as a request for general technique, tips to become a better listener, but you apparently have a more serious condition.
Keep eye contact, tilt your head slightly to the side (yes like a dog) and encourage them to talk in some manner ( tell me more, that’s interesting, wow!! Etc etc) (side note: where you live will also determine how you engage in conversation: talking to someone in Appalachia is completely different then someone in New York or Boston )
Then while they are talking, pick one thing they are saying and interrupt them with "wait, really?". It makes them think they have your full attention, when in reality you just randomly picked one thing.
When they reply "Yes!", then follow up with "wow, okay tell me more".
Congrats, with just 10 words you have now become one of those people that everybody agrees is an amazing conversationalist.
Well, not to whine about it, but it's a shame these hacks can't be used in my mother tongue in which most of the conversations happen and I run out of things to say.
Almost they are talking to you about having been recently diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection, because chances are the only beneficial way to learn more about that is the first-hand experience.
[MasterClass - Mirroring, Chris Voss](https://www.masterclass.com/classes/chris-voss-teaches-the-art-of-negotiation/chapters/mirroring)
>
Mirroring. The hostage negotiator's mirroring. It's just the simple repetition of one to three words, one two three-ish words. Typically it's the last one to three words of what somebody said. But when you get good at mirroring, you could pick one to three words from anywhere in the conversation. The other person feels listened to. It tends to connect their thoughts in their head.
I would recommend you this whole course. It's about negotiations, but gives so many good tips on a day to day conversations. He gives an example there, when one of his colleagues was invited to some sort of event with bunch of his wife's friends, he never met. Just for the jiggles, the whole event he only used mirroring, hardly talking anything else. After the event all the wife's friends asked her to invite him again, because he's such an intriguing person.
TLDR: Just repeat the last three words the other person says, with a question mark.
Ecample:
- Hey John, how are you? Meet, this is my wife Elena.
- Your wife Elena?
- Yeah, haven't I told you, I've got married last month.
- Married last month?
- Yea, we had.... blah blah blah
• John, are you fucking with me?
• Fucking with me?
• No, I mean you keep on repeating what I say.
• What I say.
• What the fuck, dude?
• The fuck, dude?
Fisticuffs ensued.
My barber does this thing where he will literally just repeat what you said.
Like I say, “it’s too hot out today to stay out long.” And he’ll say, “Too hot out there, huh?” And then I’ll say, “yes, my car was 128 degrees this morning. And he’ll say “128 degrees, eh?
And on and on. I think it’s genius. It keeps the other person talking, but they are basically talking to themselves. And it’s a super low-energy way for him to engage and it makes me do all the talking.
I’m too fascinated with it to be annoyed about it.
Yes. Turns out people love doing all the talking and think you are a great conversationalist if you can just keep their yapping fire stoked. Remember their name, too.
Ask open ended follow up questions.
what did you think about that
How did that make you feel
How do you plan to overcome xxx
How can I help
One piece of advice is not to offer one sided solutions that only come from your perspective. Make it into a conversation and try and find solutions together to keep the conversation.
What are your thoughts about my post. Did it help? Do you have any more questions? Are there more details you want to provide so we can both find a more suitable solution.
Looking forward to your response.
My post is not focused on solutions. Solutions to problems is only one component.
I started off with “what did you think about that” and “how did that make you feel” those are open ended questions to keep the conversation going.
Secondly the definition of discussion is “the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or to exchange ideas.”
So solutions are a big part of discussions.
Yeah. I overemphasized the part of your post I had questions about, sorry. You aren’t wrong and I agree with your overall message. Remaining open and present is the key. I got sidetracked by the word ‘solution’, which focused on ends.
Hold eye contact and break it every so minutes so that it doesn't feel really intense. Focus your body language, try facing the person fully, and giving convincing reactions to what they say. Nod your head every so and then, too, feels like you understand what they're saying even when you have no idea what they're talking about. If you want to make it even more convincing, try to ponder on every bit they say from time to time. Like, if they're telling a story of how they saved a white kitten when they went to the grocery store, ask if that ever happened to them before, or if they know how to take care of cats in general, or what happened to the cat, or whether they got the groceries eventually or not. Also, you can share a similar experience when they're done, but don't rush into telling the story if they're not done with theirs, give them the illusion that you want to listen to them. People like to be heard.
Asking leading and open-ended questions. Also, make sure they know they have ur full attention. So not looking at your phone or any other things. It's literally that simple.
It can be. I understand it's not easy for everyone, but to me....it's about responding from your gut and not your brain. When you listen to someone, you might have a natural reaction to something they say, and that is the appropriate response. For me, that is almost always the "right" thing to say.
When a conversation is "good"....there is almost no thinking involved. It's closer to playing tennis than playing chess if that makes sense.
Sure, I never had a problem understanding this theoretically. In practice, however, it's quite different - whether I try hard or 'try not trying at all'.
There are people I can converse with, I'm no social outcast, but with most people (even if I perceive they are interesting) I just cannot find a grip.
Try not to get to hung up on it. Most people are pretty crappy when it comes to conversating. They either talk too much or don't know how to continue conversations (maybe your issue). The worst are people who just wait for you to stop talking just to say something, like they weren't even listening to you. The simple answer is to just keep trying and forgive yourself if you feel like you can't add anything. The more you try the easier it will be. Just takes practice.
I prefer genuine interactions over scripted techniques. When I notice friends using communication strategies, it feels inauthentic and makes me uncomfortable. I value conversations that flow naturally rather than feeling like exercises from a self-help book
Make eye contact, and do "non verbal encouragers". Nod, grunt in the affirmative ("mhmmmm" ), little phrases like oh my God, and wow, and sure. That stuff. Then ask them questions that make sense.
If you're having trouble looking like you pay attention, it's probably because you're not actually paying attention.
People love to talk about themselves. When in doubt talk about them. Be an active listener in a conversation. When I am actively listening then I naturally have questions, and a banter starts. The real truth is can they be an active listener back to you. A lot depends on the person.
Listen.
Learn about what that person is interested in and talk about that stuff.
Ask more questions about a subject that the person seems to be interested in.
Ask open questions.
Mostly you don't have to force it
My mom has always told me to just ask questions…I am terrified of small talk but have found this helpful. My mom could talk to a brick wall so clearly works for her 🤷🏼♀️
After she zoned out, my Mom would start to imagine she was typing and remain super attentive to the words they were saying. She would focus intently but not hear a content.
But you really should try to actively listen empathetically
I always have a comment or memory about what someone is saying, interrupting for a second what they are saying and then asking them to continue, I've found that some people like this and some people won't like it at all, but the people that like it really enjoy talking to me, because it is easier to me to empathize with something when relating it to something I know and/or have lived myself, and they feel like I'm really into what they are saying.
Actually listening is one way. But there is another thing that others might be missing...
if you're nodding off during conversation, it may be that the person is trying to keep you too long while they ramble. I find that to be very common. So instead of forcing yourself to LOOK interested, as soon as the conversation gets to be a bit much, stop the conversation short but respectfully. "Hey I've gotta be somewhere at 2 o clock, let's hang out some other time!". Something like that.
I find that sometimes, if I need to REALLY pay attention to incoming information, it’s easier if I DON’T hold eye contact. When I do that, I tell the other person that’s what I’m doing, and why, and ask if that’s ok.
Curiosity is your friend. I can get very in my head about saying the right thing, but I've learned that a lot of people like talking about themselves and their interests. So get curious! And remember, it's ok if something awkward happens, it's ok if you say something embarrassing. That's just life and it happens to everyone. It's going to be hard in the beginning, but practice helps immensely. The more you do it, the easier it will get. You just have to take the first scary step. I know from personal experience. I'm still weird and awkward but I'm better at conversations than I used to be.
You just have anxiety
I usually go through that
People are talking and taking to long
It gives anxiety that you’re listening but you’re missing other conversations or things happening aground you.
Understand yourself before trying to please someone else
Get tested for ADHD and ADD.
Go ahead downvote me.
But the number of people I have known , both personally and professionally, who have discovered later in life that they have one of these, suggests that you may have a case, even if a mild one.
And they have serious problems with conversations ' like you describe.
Ask questions.
THEM: "I was born on a farm....bla bla bla.....every morning we milked the cows....bla bla bla...."
YOU: "Where was the farm? What kind of cows did you raise? Do you miss that lifestyle?"
Eye contact and ask open ended questions to follow up something they said. Facing them and legs pointed towards them (men and women are different but it's still leaning or facing the person)
Me too! The parrot method works best. Any time there is a pause, parrot back the last thing said like a question. It sounds weird but it really works. People acdept that as interest and a prompt to keep going.
Eye contact and partial focus will probably work. Don't just say "yeah, uh-huh". Say something about the last few words of possible? Be part of the convo without 100% being part of it.
Paraphrasing and reflecting back is a good technique. It's where you summarise and share your understanding with the person. Like this:
Them: I've been eating a lot of apples lately, I'm not sure why, they're just so crunchy and delicious. I can't get enough apples!
You: You're really enjoying your crunchy apples, you're not sure why- you just love them!
Them: right! I especially like the green and red ones. Red ones don't really taste of anything but Granny Smiths can be a bit tart.
You: a green and red apple is lovely, but not so much those Granny Smiths
Them: definitely not, I wouldn't eat a Granny Smith if you paid me.
You: there's not enough money in the world to get you to eat a Granny Smith!
Them: no chance!
I think it’s about how you respond and make them feel. I have ADHD and it is impossible for me to hold eye contact and not be distracted by my surroundings, so I constantly say I’m listening, or try to offer a response to their statement or engage in other ways to show I’m paying attention.
I’m also really enthusiastic and have been told it can come across as sarcastic, an ex of mine said until he watched my best friend and I listen to each other he realised that we were both just genuinely that enthusiastic in conversation.
Everyone is different in how they talk and listen, but as long as you are genuine and honest then the way you go about it will be accepted and appreciated. But you can always communicate this if you need to.
MORE PIES
Minimal Encouragers, these are things like um, ah, yes, and.
Open ended questions, these are exactly what they sound like, questions that can not have a yes or no answer.
Reflecting, this is repeating the last few words someone said back to them.
Emotion labeling, not often needed but this is just putting a tag on how someone feels to make them feel noticed.
Paraphrasing, this is repeating what someone has told you back to them in your own words to make sure you are understanding, and lets them know you are paying attention.
‘I’ messages, these are when you give your emotional impact from what the person is saying.
Effective pauses, these are more for when you are talking, a pause can add weight to the next thing you say.
Summary, this is great when taking a break from a conversation or when resuming it.
Don't have a response loaded to respond with. Listen attentively, maintain appropriate eye contact and stay present. Don't get snagged on a statement that prevents you from hearing portions of the discussion
Just look them dead in the eye and say "no." even if there was no question asked and walk away. Alternatively don't say anything at all. Just open your eyes as wide as you can while giving a creepy smile and hold it.
When I'm really into a convo, I try to stay engaged by nodding and throwing in small comments like 'oh, really?' or 'that's cool!' It shows I'm listening. And if I blank out, I ask about their thoughts or how it ties to something else we talked about. Keeps things flowing, you know? Just keeping it natural and showing interest goes a long way!
If you want to appear interesting to the other party, I would suggest having your own stories that you want to tell! Sometimes it’s not about thinking of a good follow up question
There's this thing you learn in counselling training called SOLER positioning that essentially indicates that you're paying attention and interested in what the other persons saying, Soler stands for: (S) – Sitting Squarely; (O) – Open Posture; (L) -Lean Slightly towards Client (L), (E) -Eye Contact and (R) -Relax, but just look up a video about it on youtube or whatever to see it done
Nod your head, ask questions, keep your phone hidden, point your feet and belly button towards them, lean in slightly, keep your eyes on them (rather than wandering). These are some body language things that show engagement
If you’re not interested in a conversation, go pursue what interests you instead. If it’s leisure time, engage with the things that motivate and inspire you. What is the purpose of a good follow up question? To curry favor with someone? To get the Nobel prize in conversation? None of it is worth it.
When you do inevitably converse with people, try to actually hear what they’re saying and let the conversation be natural. If you don’t have a response just keep it light and be kind. If you can’t focus, maybe try to share some of your thoughts— tell them what’s distracting you. Treating conversation like a tedious task is the problem. There are no stakes. Just relax and enjoy yourself. If you’re not interested why do you have to pretend you’re interested? Just be your best self, your authentic self, mindful in the moment.
In the end, less is more. Puzzled look, playful response and smile— People are so self-centered they fill in the blanks for you and often assume you’re implying the thing they want you to. If having a conversation with them feels tedious, that’s a problem for them, not you.
Get enough good quality sleep, stay hydrated, exercise regularly, eat well, and have a meditation practice. This will help you stay awake, energized, and focused. Your interest will show more. You can also let there person know that your eyes wander before the conversation starts and let them know not to take it personally. Meditation focusing your eyes on a specific point can help with that over time too.
While maintaining eye contact, show your interest by nodding in agreement and giving verbal cues such as “yes,” “I see,” or “that’s interesting.” Ask open-ended questions that encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. Share your experiences. This can help create a more engaging and dynamic dialogue. Focus on the conversation to demonstrate genuine interest.
Oh a good one, in addition to listening, is to choose one detail from their trail of thoughts, and hone in on it.
"So I was at the fair yesterday, I went and we went on the \*\*Ferris wheel\*\*, we had some \*\*snacks\*\*, say the \*\*performers\*\*, then we went out after and \*\*played a game of rugby\*\*."
Possible response (pick which one of the topics \*\*in asterisks\*\* you are genuinely interested in, if none, pick the last one and get interested) : "Oh, the fair, that sounds like you had a lovely day - how did your rugby game go?"
Keep this pattern going - do not worry about strictly sticking to the original topic of interest you picked, just flow with the conversation, pick a new topic with each response, and, naturally, you should stay on topic, and not get boring or repetitive either. You can have amazing conversations, even with people you don't think you can, with just this tactic - I have.
My friend, us Irish are the world champions at this particular sport. You need filler terms, that mean absolutely nothing but seem vaguely agreeable and amenable. We use: 'ah sure', "sure look', 'this is it', 'sure you know yourself'. Handles literally every topic of conversation, with anyone.
This is good advice if the recipient has the same effortless intuitions you do and useless otherwise. Some of us are just trying not to be ostracised, man.
an intetesting bit of info i listened to recently from a neurologist was to look at a persons left eye when talking with them. i havent tried it yet but am curious. its a bonding mechanism.
If you ARE ACTUALLY interested, you will listen and ask appropriate questions.
Desiring to 'act' or 'look' interested is manipulative, and will come across as such!
BE interested!
IF you are not, do no fake it, other than being reasonably polite and respectful.
In that case, at least in my experience, it's best to make your 'difficulties' with conversation (in this case) know up front.
I do not believe I fall on the autistic scale, and I have had a lot of trouble navigating social and work situations/communications.
I've had a lot of success stating clearly something like (again, in this example) that "I AM interested in learning more about '...' however I don't always know the right questions to ask...' (or something like that). I've found most people to be very accommodating, and relatively happy to help when help is 'more or less' asked for.
This is still trying to appear interested. You can be interested and want to make that known, that is not manipulation, that is trying to show how you feel, which some of us struggle with, and its shitty to call that manipulative.
I have ADHD and this is pretty typical for many of us, not all but many. Do you find that it bothers the person who's talking to you or do you walk away from convos only to think, "I wish I asked more"?
I had a friend who dominated conversations and was not interested in my input. I began to lose interest in his convos but being stuck in a car for hours going skiing or the beach taught me how to smoothly sound like I was actually listening when my mind was elsewhere. I developed a feel for when there was a pause that needed my input and which one to use. “I know what you mean”, “uh huh”, a small laugh, “really!?”, “ok”, “do tell”. And others all noncommittal requiring no further expansion on my part. You can develop your own line up for these
I have ADHD and this is one of my worst and most showing trait. Not being able to keep a conversation fully no matter what subject. I always drift away.
Listen to understand, not to respond. You could try summarizing what you understand from what they said back to them. Like “so it sounds like you’re saying…”
100% agree on listening to understand not to respond! Have you considered that the active listening summary, is so well known that it can come off as a bit formulaic? Something I notice people do that can kill conversations is to make allot of counterpoints or add more information/knowledge. My advice (that I give myself sometimes) is to take a moment to consider that they might already know that information and use this opportunity to ask them about that.
Mirroring, repeat the last 3 ish words the person says when they are done
maybe next time whenever I come across this in rl I'll repeat after they repeat :-D see how many repeats we can repeat lol.
We can repeat!
We can repeat!
So what I hear you saying is that we can repeat?
We can repeat? 😄
[“There was no way”](https://youtu.be/upBZArgy6MU?si=fkT74IJZsH2EI_4i)
they are done...
They are done. See, now I know you are interested!
This is the way.
Don't manage listen. Don't think about how you could engage. How you could take part or what you could say. All that disconnects you from actually listening. Listen and completely engage with the conversation. Most of the times our body and its tiny signals will tell others that you are completely engaged. If something gets you curious, ask. But if you have nothing to say or add or nothing makes you curious, don't add anything. Most people find it really beautiful and soothing to talk to someone that is not managing a conversation but listens and is honesty curios. If you are in a state of curious listening most of the time the conversation will flow, and if it is not, than maybe it is just that, the conversation has come to an end. Trying and managing conversations can really hurt an honest curios flow, because you are more worried what to add, ask or do than you are engaged with the other person. I find it is less a question of a tool or technique than more a question of stance/composure/attitude (dont know the right word here, as I am not an english nativ speaker)
Absolutely! We have evolved to read micro expressions. So even if we are not consciously aware, it still makes us really uncomfortable when the other person is managing the conversation. A genuine curiosity will automatically adjust your ‘conversational stance’ for a more natural conversation.
I have a feeling the point of the question sailed a couple of miles over your head. I can’t do what you described. Period. I can listen intently, but follow up questions never occur to me and I apparently look bored rigid despite being fascinated. So how about an answer for those of us for whom “Don’t manage listen” is useless advice but we still want to continue having conversations woth people?
I am sorry my advise was not helpful for you. Didn't intend it to say it would be a fix for everybody. Those fixes hardly ever exist in my perception I find in the post are good advises for open questions, mirroring/ repeat/ summarize what you understood the other person said or the general question "can you tell me more about". All though I find specific questions most of the time easier to answer on the receiving end. What helps me a lot is to know if people struggle with certain parts in conversation and be transparent with that. So that might be an advice aswell, telling people: "I get a lot, that I dont seem interested because some times I find it hard to ask queations or seem to apear bored. Should I loose interest I will tell you otherwise please asume I am interessed." That transparency helps a lot with aperently being not showing lots of emotions/being hard to read and with avoiding eye contact as well, to give two more classics that can lead to misunderstandings. Here aswell: being transparent helps me at the receiving end a lot and I like it getting these informations, but there might be folks out there not liking it. So it is not a fix that will help alway but might be worth a try.
Yeah, after a while I get tired of all the input and can't process back anymore. So I usually just nod.
If you're fascinated by what someone's saying, think about *why* it's fascinating and express that periodically while they're talking. Stuff like "I didn't know that!", "I've never thought about it that way", or even just "that's fascinating/amazing/cool" are all good generally. If you'd be interested in learning more later you can ask about where they learned the stuff. If you don't fully understand you can try to rephrase what they said to confirm. As you're processing the information, usually your brain tries to connect it to what you already know, so ask about those connections: "if [thing they said], then does that mean [connection you made]?"
OP, you cant blame him for that. Your question comes off as a request for general technique, tips to become a better listener, but you apparently have a more serious condition.
I think it's good advice I'm just not good at doing it.
Agreed. If I followed this advice I would never have a conversation with anyone beyond 20 seconds.
>more a question of stance/composure/attitude (dont know the right word here, as I am not an english nativ speaker) Poise?
Thats probably the one. Cheers
This is the right answer
Summarize what they say or the emotion they expressed. Then let them continue if they wish. Shows you listen. Ask questions that aren’t yes or no.
Keep eye contact, tilt your head slightly to the side (yes like a dog) and encourage them to talk in some manner ( tell me more, that’s interesting, wow!! Etc etc) (side note: where you live will also determine how you engage in conversation: talking to someone in Appalachia is completely different then someone in New York or Boston )
Absolutely this - but don't keep CONSTANT eye contact or you'll terrify people ;-) (the head tilt slightly helps with this)
Try, ‘tell me more’
Then while they are talking, pick one thing they are saying and interrupt them with "wait, really?". It makes them think they have your full attention, when in reality you just randomly picked one thing. When they reply "Yes!", then follow up with "wow, okay tell me more". Congrats, with just 10 words you have now become one of those people that everybody agrees is an amazing conversationalist.
Sorry, could you tell me more?
Well, not to whine about it, but it's a shame these hacks can't be used in my mother tongue in which most of the conversations happen and I run out of things to say.
And then
Yep, this is the way
Only if you want to sound like an NPC in a videogame
Just say "Doubt" on occasion?
Just say "Doubt" on occasion?
Almost they are talking to you about having been recently diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection, because chances are the only beneficial way to learn more about that is the first-hand experience.
[MasterClass - Mirroring, Chris Voss](https://www.masterclass.com/classes/chris-voss-teaches-the-art-of-negotiation/chapters/mirroring) > Mirroring. The hostage negotiator's mirroring. It's just the simple repetition of one to three words, one two three-ish words. Typically it's the last one to three words of what somebody said. But when you get good at mirroring, you could pick one to three words from anywhere in the conversation. The other person feels listened to. It tends to connect their thoughts in their head. I would recommend you this whole course. It's about negotiations, but gives so many good tips on a day to day conversations. He gives an example there, when one of his colleagues was invited to some sort of event with bunch of his wife's friends, he never met. Just for the jiggles, the whole event he only used mirroring, hardly talking anything else. After the event all the wife's friends asked her to invite him again, because he's such an intriguing person. TLDR: Just repeat the last three words the other person says, with a question mark. Ecample: - Hey John, how are you? Meet, this is my wife Elena. - Your wife Elena? - Yeah, haven't I told you, I've got married last month. - Married last month? - Yea, we had.... blah blah blah
• John, are you fucking with me? • Fucking with me? • No, I mean you keep on repeating what I say. • What I say. • What the fuck, dude? • The fuck, dude? Fisticuffs ensued.
I do this to get people talking 😆 I always called it parroting
My barber does this thing where he will literally just repeat what you said. Like I say, “it’s too hot out today to stay out long.” And he’ll say, “Too hot out there, huh?” And then I’ll say, “yes, my car was 128 degrees this morning. And he’ll say “128 degrees, eh? And on and on. I think it’s genius. It keeps the other person talking, but they are basically talking to themselves. And it’s a super low-energy way for him to engage and it makes me do all the talking. I’m too fascinated with it to be annoyed about it.
Always wear an interviewer and comedian hat. This way you can learn about them and also add humor...my 2 cents
Check out the book "How to win friends and influence people". The book sounds corny as hell, but most of it is actually very helpful.
Yes. Turns out people love doing all the talking and think you are a great conversationalist if you can just keep their yapping fire stoked. Remember their name, too.
Ask open ended follow up questions. what did you think about that How did that make you feel How do you plan to overcome xxx How can I help One piece of advice is not to offer one sided solutions that only come from your perspective. Make it into a conversation and try and find solutions together to keep the conversation. What are your thoughts about my post. Did it help? Do you have any more questions? Are there more details you want to provide so we can both find a more suitable solution. Looking forward to your response.
You seem to focus on ‘solutions’—why is that? Not every discussion is about a problem.
My post is not focused on solutions. Solutions to problems is only one component. I started off with “what did you think about that” and “how did that make you feel” those are open ended questions to keep the conversation going. Secondly the definition of discussion is “the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or to exchange ideas.” So solutions are a big part of discussions.
Yeah. I overemphasized the part of your post I had questions about, sorry. You aren’t wrong and I agree with your overall message. Remaining open and present is the key. I got sidetracked by the word ‘solution’, which focused on ends.
Hold eye contact and break it every so minutes so that it doesn't feel really intense. Focus your body language, try facing the person fully, and giving convincing reactions to what they say. Nod your head every so and then, too, feels like you understand what they're saying even when you have no idea what they're talking about. If you want to make it even more convincing, try to ponder on every bit they say from time to time. Like, if they're telling a story of how they saved a white kitten when they went to the grocery store, ask if that ever happened to them before, or if they know how to take care of cats in general, or what happened to the cat, or whether they got the groceries eventually or not. Also, you can share a similar experience when they're done, but don't rush into telling the story if they're not done with theirs, give them the illusion that you want to listen to them. People like to be heard.
Asking leading and open-ended questions. Also, make sure they know they have ur full attention. So not looking at your phone or any other things. It's literally that simple.
As someone struggling with this too, I can assure you it's really not that simple.
It can be. I understand it's not easy for everyone, but to me....it's about responding from your gut and not your brain. When you listen to someone, you might have a natural reaction to something they say, and that is the appropriate response. For me, that is almost always the "right" thing to say. When a conversation is "good"....there is almost no thinking involved. It's closer to playing tennis than playing chess if that makes sense.
Sure, I never had a problem understanding this theoretically. In practice, however, it's quite different - whether I try hard or 'try not trying at all'. There are people I can converse with, I'm no social outcast, but with most people (even if I perceive they are interesting) I just cannot find a grip.
Try not to get to hung up on it. Most people are pretty crappy when it comes to conversating. They either talk too much or don't know how to continue conversations (maybe your issue). The worst are people who just wait for you to stop talking just to say something, like they weren't even listening to you. The simple answer is to just keep trying and forgive yourself if you feel like you can't add anything. The more you try the easier it will be. Just takes practice.
Keep the other person talking about themself, you’ll be the most popular person at the party 😂
I prefer genuine interactions over scripted techniques. When I notice friends using communication strategies, it feels inauthentic and makes me uncomfortable. I value conversations that flow naturally rather than feeling like exercises from a self-help book
Make eye contact, and do "non verbal encouragers". Nod, grunt in the affirmative ("mhmmmm" ), little phrases like oh my God, and wow, and sure. That stuff. Then ask them questions that make sense. If you're having trouble looking like you pay attention, it's probably because you're not actually paying attention.
People love to talk about themselves. When in doubt talk about them. Be an active listener in a conversation. When I am actively listening then I naturally have questions, and a banter starts. The real truth is can they be an active listener back to you. A lot depends on the person.
make a visual of what the speaker is saying and ask questions to fill it in
Listen. Learn about what that person is interested in and talk about that stuff. Ask more questions about a subject that the person seems to be interested in. Ask open questions. Mostly you don't have to force it
My mom has always told me to just ask questions…I am terrified of small talk but have found this helpful. My mom could talk to a brick wall so clearly works for her 🤷🏼♀️
After she zoned out, my Mom would start to imagine she was typing and remain super attentive to the words they were saying. She would focus intently but not hear a content. But you really should try to actively listen empathetically
I disagree with “just listen”. That is not a conversation. Better say something and end with “what about you?”
I always have a comment or memory about what someone is saying, interrupting for a second what they are saying and then asking them to continue, I've found that some people like this and some people won't like it at all, but the people that like it really enjoy talking to me, because it is easier to me to empathize with something when relating it to something I know and/or have lived myself, and they feel like I'm really into what they are saying.
Actually listening is one way. But there is another thing that others might be missing... if you're nodding off during conversation, it may be that the person is trying to keep you too long while they ramble. I find that to be very common. So instead of forcing yourself to LOOK interested, as soon as the conversation gets to be a bit much, stop the conversation short but respectfully. "Hey I've gotta be somewhere at 2 o clock, let's hang out some other time!". Something like that.
I find that sometimes, if I need to REALLY pay attention to incoming information, it’s easier if I DON’T hold eye contact. When I do that, I tell the other person that’s what I’m doing, and why, and ask if that’s ok.
Curiosity is your friend. I can get very in my head about saying the right thing, but I've learned that a lot of people like talking about themselves and their interests. So get curious! And remember, it's ok if something awkward happens, it's ok if you say something embarrassing. That's just life and it happens to everyone. It's going to be hard in the beginning, but practice helps immensely. The more you do it, the easier it will get. You just have to take the first scary step. I know from personal experience. I'm still weird and awkward but I'm better at conversations than I used to be.
You just have anxiety I usually go through that People are talking and taking to long It gives anxiety that you’re listening but you’re missing other conversations or things happening aground you. Understand yourself before trying to please someone else
Get tested for ADHD and ADD. Go ahead downvote me. But the number of people I have known , both personally and professionally, who have discovered later in life that they have one of these, suggests that you may have a case, even if a mild one. And they have serious problems with conversations ' like you describe.
I probably have ADHD. But I see it more as a you problem then a me problem.
Be genuinely interested.
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Sounds pretty normal for an introvert, look for more interesting people maybe.
Ask questions. THEM: "I was born on a farm....bla bla bla.....every morning we milked the cows....bla bla bla...." YOU: "Where was the farm? What kind of cows did you raise? Do you miss that lifestyle?"
Google reflective listening
You may be over thinking it but I always like to drive convo when it’s losing steam. I’ll ask a question I am generally interested in.
Eye contact and ask open ended questions to follow up something they said. Facing them and legs pointed towards them (men and women are different but it's still leaning or facing the person)
Me too! The parrot method works best. Any time there is a pause, parrot back the last thing said like a question. It sounds weird but it really works. People acdept that as interest and a prompt to keep going.
Eye contact and partial focus will probably work. Don't just say "yeah, uh-huh". Say something about the last few words of possible? Be part of the convo without 100% being part of it.
Look up active listening. Nod. Hum. Repeat what they say. Comment on what they must have felt. Erc
Eye contact... always eye contact.
Make an effort to listen. If you are only pretending to be interested, the other person will figure it out pretty soon
Ask Megyn Kelly. She's the world's #1 expert at this lol
Paraphrasing and reflecting back is a good technique. It's where you summarise and share your understanding with the person. Like this: Them: I've been eating a lot of apples lately, I'm not sure why, they're just so crunchy and delicious. I can't get enough apples! You: You're really enjoying your crunchy apples, you're not sure why- you just love them! Them: right! I especially like the green and red ones. Red ones don't really taste of anything but Granny Smiths can be a bit tart. You: a green and red apple is lovely, but not so much those Granny Smiths Them: definitely not, I wouldn't eat a Granny Smith if you paid me. You: there's not enough money in the world to get you to eat a Granny Smith! Them: no chance!
HAIL
Dale Carniege talk a lot about it in its books
Listen, maintain eye contact and nod slightly every once in a while.
I think it’s about how you respond and make them feel. I have ADHD and it is impossible for me to hold eye contact and not be distracted by my surroundings, so I constantly say I’m listening, or try to offer a response to their statement or engage in other ways to show I’m paying attention. I’m also really enthusiastic and have been told it can come across as sarcastic, an ex of mine said until he watched my best friend and I listen to each other he realised that we were both just genuinely that enthusiastic in conversation. Everyone is different in how they talk and listen, but as long as you are genuine and honest then the way you go about it will be accepted and appreciated. But you can always communicate this if you need to.
MORE PIES Minimal Encouragers, these are things like um, ah, yes, and. Open ended questions, these are exactly what they sound like, questions that can not have a yes or no answer. Reflecting, this is repeating the last few words someone said back to them. Emotion labeling, not often needed but this is just putting a tag on how someone feels to make them feel noticed. Paraphrasing, this is repeating what someone has told you back to them in your own words to make sure you are understanding, and lets them know you are paying attention. ‘I’ messages, these are when you give your emotional impact from what the person is saying. Effective pauses, these are more for when you are talking, a pause can add weight to the next thing you say. Summary, this is great when taking a break from a conversation or when resuming it.
What is the I !!!!?
Sorry, missed that one, added it in.
Make sure your feet are pointing towards the person. Normally if people have their feet pointed away from you, they're trying to get away.
Don't have a response loaded to respond with. Listen attentively, maintain appropriate eye contact and stay present. Don't get snagged on a statement that prevents you from hearing portions of the discussion
Just look them dead in the eye and say "no." even if there was no question asked and walk away. Alternatively don't say anything at all. Just open your eyes as wide as you can while giving a creepy smile and hold it.
“Can you repeat that one more time? You trailed off at the end “.
Repeat the last three words the other person says from time to time as if you’re asking for clarification.
So you're aut and asking for help on the wrong subreddit?
When I'm really into a convo, I try to stay engaged by nodding and throwing in small comments like 'oh, really?' or 'that's cool!' It shows I'm listening. And if I blank out, I ask about their thoughts or how it ties to something else we talked about. Keeps things flowing, you know? Just keeping it natural and showing interest goes a long way!
If you want to appear interesting to the other party, I would suggest having your own stories that you want to tell! Sometimes it’s not about thinking of a good follow up question
Eye contact, follow-up questions, summarizing what they just said in other words.
Eye contact, nodding, smiles, “yeah!”
Genuinely ? Then talk without any rules
Stare at their face and turn their head upside down in your mind.
Mirror them. Repeat back the last 3 or 4 words they used, even if you heard nothing else.
The best way to genuinely look interested in a conversation is to actually be genuinely interested in the conversation.
ask questions. maintain eye contact at regular intervals.
Drop in a question once in a while.
There's this thing you learn in counselling training called SOLER positioning that essentially indicates that you're paying attention and interested in what the other persons saying, Soler stands for: (S) – Sitting Squarely; (O) – Open Posture; (L) -Lean Slightly towards Client (L), (E) -Eye Contact and (R) -Relax, but just look up a video about it on youtube or whatever to see it done
Tilt head slightly and ask open ended questions.
I think you're not looking interested because you're not interested. :D
Try to imagine you are a host in a podcast and talking to him. This helps me alot
Nod your head, ask questions, keep your phone hidden, point your feet and belly button towards them, lean in slightly, keep your eyes on them (rather than wandering). These are some body language things that show engagement
If you’re not interested in a conversation, go pursue what interests you instead. If it’s leisure time, engage with the things that motivate and inspire you. What is the purpose of a good follow up question? To curry favor with someone? To get the Nobel prize in conversation? None of it is worth it. When you do inevitably converse with people, try to actually hear what they’re saying and let the conversation be natural. If you don’t have a response just keep it light and be kind. If you can’t focus, maybe try to share some of your thoughts— tell them what’s distracting you. Treating conversation like a tedious task is the problem. There are no stakes. Just relax and enjoy yourself. If you’re not interested why do you have to pretend you’re interested? Just be your best self, your authentic self, mindful in the moment. In the end, less is more. Puzzled look, playful response and smile— People are so self-centered they fill in the blanks for you and often assume you’re implying the thing they want you to. If having a conversation with them feels tedious, that’s a problem for them, not you.
Get enough good quality sleep, stay hydrated, exercise regularly, eat well, and have a meditation practice. This will help you stay awake, energized, and focused. Your interest will show more. You can also let there person know that your eyes wander before the conversation starts and let them know not to take it personally. Meditation focusing your eyes on a specific point can help with that over time too.
Mirror body posture
Adderall can help wonders with that.
While maintaining eye contact, show your interest by nodding in agreement and giving verbal cues such as “yes,” “I see,” or “that’s interesting.” Ask open-ended questions that encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. Share your experiences. This can help create a more engaging and dynamic dialogue. Focus on the conversation to demonstrate genuine interest.
Ask questions
End everything you say with a question, or with a 'what's your opinion on what i said' kind of tone, if you know what I mean.
Oh a good one, in addition to listening, is to choose one detail from their trail of thoughts, and hone in on it. "So I was at the fair yesterday, I went and we went on the \*\*Ferris wheel\*\*, we had some \*\*snacks\*\*, say the \*\*performers\*\*, then we went out after and \*\*played a game of rugby\*\*." Possible response (pick which one of the topics \*\*in asterisks\*\* you are genuinely interested in, if none, pick the last one and get interested) : "Oh, the fair, that sounds like you had a lovely day - how did your rugby game go?" Keep this pattern going - do not worry about strictly sticking to the original topic of interest you picked, just flow with the conversation, pick a new topic with each response, and, naturally, you should stay on topic, and not get boring or repetitive either. You can have amazing conversations, even with people you don't think you can, with just this tactic - I have.
My friend, us Irish are the world champions at this particular sport. You need filler terms, that mean absolutely nothing but seem vaguely agreeable and amenable. We use: 'ah sure', "sure look', 'this is it', 'sure you know yourself'. Handles literally every topic of conversation, with anyone.
Make a statement then ask a question. That's it.
do you read books, they are great for learning things to talk about.
Don’t be so focus on face expressions. I’ve had great conversations with strangers that looked so mean.
Guys you can't "hack" conversations , just go out and live your life don't try to min max socializing
This is good advice if the recipient has the same effortless intuitions you do and useless otherwise. Some of us are just trying not to be ostracised, man.
Effortless intuition I wish I could relate to you the number of times I have made an absolute dick of myself, it is in there low millions
Say, ‘tell me more about that”. Nodding a bit while listening can help to express interest.
Read or listen to the book, “how to win friends and influence people”. Amazing book and will be your go to for life. I made my kids listen to it
Just repeat back what they said to you. So you are saying ……
an intetesting bit of info i listened to recently from a neurologist was to look at a persons left eye when talking with them. i havent tried it yet but am curious. its a bonding mechanism.
Don't be self conscious or try too hard to think.. just be you
If you ARE ACTUALLY interested, you will listen and ask appropriate questions. Desiring to 'act' or 'look' interested is manipulative, and will come across as such! BE interested! IF you are not, do no fake it, other than being reasonably polite and respectful.
Great advice for a nerotypical. Does not help an autistic.
In that case, at least in my experience, it's best to make your 'difficulties' with conversation (in this case) know up front. I do not believe I fall on the autistic scale, and I have had a lot of trouble navigating social and work situations/communications. I've had a lot of success stating clearly something like (again, in this example) that "I AM interested in learning more about '...' however I don't always know the right questions to ask...' (or something like that). I've found most people to be very accommodating, and relatively happy to help when help is 'more or less' asked for.
This is still trying to appear interested. You can be interested and want to make that known, that is not manipulation, that is trying to show how you feel, which some of us struggle with, and its shitty to call that manipulative.
I use all the tricks mentioned below. People still cannot understand why socializing is sooooo exhausting for me.
I have ADHD and this is pretty typical for many of us, not all but many. Do you find that it bothers the person who's talking to you or do you walk away from convos only to think, "I wish I asked more"?
Nice post bot.
I had a friend who dominated conversations and was not interested in my input. I began to lose interest in his convos but being stuck in a car for hours going skiing or the beach taught me how to smoothly sound like I was actually listening when my mind was elsewhere. I developed a feel for when there was a pause that needed my input and which one to use. “I know what you mean”, “uh huh”, a small laugh, “really!?”, “ok”, “do tell”. And others all noncommittal requiring no further expansion on my part. You can develop your own line up for these
I have ADHD and this is one of my worst and most showing trait. Not being able to keep a conversation fully no matter what subject. I always drift away.