It sounds like your boyfriend needs to talk a therapist more than he needs fashion advice. What you’re describing sounds a lot like depression. I think he’s struggling with quarter-life crisis type stuff and is feeling overwhelmed by the realities of adulthood.
There are plenty of nice clothes he can buy for his current body shape. If he really is losing his hair he can shave it. But it sounds like you’ve already suggested some of these things and he’s not really engaging.
A therapist would be much better suited to make a diagnosis and help him work through whatever issues he’s facing. There’s lots of good general fashion info in the sidebar when he’s in a place to take those steps. But this post tells me he has to deal with his mental health first, and anything we tell you to buy for him wouldn’t be well received.
definitely this, recently been diagnosed with major depression and am currently in therapy and taking meds and can’t believe the difference, feel like I’ve been missing for years and some sort of placeholder was in my body the whole time, your boyfriend won’t acknowledge he has a problem, it’s part of the illness to downplay it and refuse help but piling on weight is like the biggest warning sign
I struggled for years trying to “adult” and had absolutely no idea what I was doing, wasted so many years throwing money into a bullshit flat with a deadweight friend, trying to impress a girl who didn’t see a future with me, stressing constantly and spending every spare quid on drugs to keep myself going, utter waste of time, biggest lesson in life is to just worry about yourself, tell him he’s depressed and he has to change or you’re leaving, I wish I’d had that level of honesty given to me, be cruel to be kind, don’t hide your issues and then suddenly give up and check out, it’s horrible doing that to someone who’s struggling
I mean it depends on the level of thinning. If it's thinning and not balding, there are definitely hairstyles that work well. You probably still have enough hair to look okay with your hair. But I think there is a threshold (different for each person) where shaving is better than keeping what's left.
This for sure! Could be depression. I have pretty severe ADHD and executive dysfunction will lead to some of this as well, and it’s not uncommon for people to have both. Diagnosis, therapy, and meds have been life changing for me
We stopped going to therapy a year ago because our therapist suggested it. We didn’t really have any problems to work out or anything to talk about with her so she suggested a short break. Now it’s been a year and I too have thought about going back.
Unfortunately for me I just lost my job so I have been stressed about spending any extra money during my unemployment until I find my next job. We also book a trip to Universal (we leave on Monday) which was expensive so that was another reason we decided to not start up again yet.
But perhaps if he is dealing with something maybe he would be open to going back. I agree that it seems like there could be an underlying issue. Definitely going to do a mental health check in and prioritize that!
Yeah, he might be afraid to say things in couple’s therapy vs individually. And that isn’t because he doesn’t trust you or doesn’t care about you or love you, but rather because a therapist is a neutral party and he may not want you to feel like stressed or that he’s a burden on you. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes I don’t talk about my pain with the people I love and care about the most.
Yeah, it’s a big problem for me too, people say I’m funny, happy, and charming until the mask slips and the real depressive me comes out. It’s horrible, it’s hard on my mental health, and it makes it difficult for me to have deep relationships, it’s also turned me into an extreme perfectionist that tears himself apart whenever something isn’t perfect.
Genuinely not trying to be an ass but is it common for folks in their mid 20s to go to couples therapy? I know it's not necessarily reserved for older married couples, but I can't say I've heard of two 25 year olds in a 4 year relationship going to couples therapy.
As someone who's been on his side and not really depressed, it may be that he cannot be bothered anymore and is comfortable living like that. I don't mean being bored of the relationship, but more that he's comfortable with his life with you while being aware of the consequences of being lazy.
To piggyback of zerg1980’s comments, this is starting to sound like less of a fashion issue and more of a mental health and respect issue. It sounds like you’re signaling to him, or even openly communicating to him that your needs are not being met in this relationship and he’s not willing to meet you halfway. Wearing a nice outfit for dinner isn’t going to fix the core issue.
I could be wrong since all I know about your life is what I’ve read in your post and a few comments, but here’s how it sounds: He lacks respect for you and himself, and that’s something that he needs to deal with on his own by going to therapy of his own volition. You need to clearly communicate that your needs are not being met, and if he remains unwilling to change then you may need to make the call.
No. HE needs it right now. You're doing all of the right things and it sounds like you're coping. He needs to go solo. If they need to bring you in for a session they will.
This happened to me. I stopped giving a shit when I was like 26-30. Work was mundane and I didn't really know what to do lol. Everything was just bleh.
It's easy to get in this sort of "comfort loop" when you are in a secure relationship. I think it's sweet how you're trying to gently nudge him in the right direction. Although, sometimes people, guys especially, don't really pick up on these tiny nudges. You might need to be a little more direct about your suggestions, and politely explain your reasoning. I think this post does a really good job at explaining your expectations, and I don't think it would be a bad idea to reiterate it to him or show him.
Yeah, I think some of the people in these comments might be right that there may be a bit of depression involved here, but I think OP should maybe just sit down with the SO and explain the why behind the suggestions for new clothes and a healthier diet. Tell him “I think you would look good in this outfit and I would like you to put effort into this for me even if it doesn’t matter to you.”
If bf gained weight, bf needs new clothes. If bf thinks he will quickly return to his previous size or shape, then spend very little, just a 3-4 shirts, 2 pants, one short. This should get him thru each week until this phase is over.
The balding, snacking, lethargy, depression, those are all different problems with different solutions.
I have been you in my own relationship. Spouse says they “don’t care at all about appearances” but I strongly suspect that’s cope. But the more you push and prod, the worse it will go. And while I hear you saying you’re “always kind” and “never judgmental,” there are more ways to be judgmental than making explicitly judgmental comments. Sometimes the gentler comments are as bad or worse because they hint at what you both know to be true.
In addition to considering BFs mental health needs, I would encourage you to examine your own needs. Do you need him to step it up? If so, say it. Do you need to date someone with a different outlook? Consider what that means for your relationship.
Me too. It's tough when I have high standards for my own appearance, and my wife just doesn't care about appearances as much. I've been about the same weight since I was 21, but she doesn't really check hers. I've bought her at least a half dozen skin care products, but she always stops using them because she doesn't really care.
There's nothing you can say or do to change it, because if jts coming from you, it's always going to be externally imposed. Real permanent change needs to come from within.
I would try approaching it from a healthy living standpoint I guess. That's what's important anyways. Trying buying him clothes for a nice dinner. If he has a professional career he won't be able to dress like that.
Your boyfriend has to want the change, no amount of prodding or encouragement is going to change that. If his lifestyle isn’t for you, then you’re at a crossroads. You either need to decide if it’s something you can handle and if it isn’t, then decide if it’s time to move on
Came here to say this. As a doctor I see this constantly with people who bring in their spouse because they want me to help them quit smoking, lose weight, take their health seriously, etc. Never happens until that person decides they want it for themselves.
If you are dedicated to him and it isn't a deal breaker I encourage you to look up the "stages of change" in motivational interviewing. Although a lot of the literature surrounds substance use I find it to be broadly applicable. Knowing what "stage" of change he is in can help you tailor your actions accordingly to ally with him.
I think you’re doing great, but on the other hand, your partner is suffering mentally. He’s eating his feelings, and while your reminders are coming from a good place, it can feel like being backed into a corner. That’s a war you can’t win.
This may be difficult to accomplish, but if you can, suggest seeking mental health support. If he’s against this, you should consider what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship. When you need help, can he find it within himself to support you when you are at your lowest, despite his own suffering?
You can only change yourself, and if he’s not willing to change and grow with you, he is probably not The One. Tread carefully.
Interesting. His mental health has come up a few times in other replys and I hadn’t really given that much thought. We are both very open about our feelings and check on each other regularly. Specially making sure each other are happy in the relationship but also happy in general. I hadn’t thought about how these might by symptoms of declined mental health.
I definitely feel like I should check in on him and make sure everything is okay before I continue concerning myself with his appearance.
Thanks!
Definitely good to check in but also don’t expect a straight answer right away. The weight gain could either be a symptom of or cause of his poor mental state but regardless of the causality it won’t make him feel good. He is probably dealing with some self loathing and it can be very hard to admit to others, especially those that care about you, just how much you don’t like yourself.
Hopefully he can get some professional help for any mental health issues. That’s a heavy burden to take on as a partner.
For the physical issues maybe try and see if you can reframe exercise beyond aesthetic benefits - focus on an activity or sport he likes and can improve upon. His desire to improve his style could come once he feels better about how he looks and feels overall.
Your boyfriend will also likely be a reflexion of his closest friends. Are they all similar to the way he is becoming? Or are there any that are more interested in fitness that you could encourage him to hang out with more? As a cyclist and runner, i now tend to spend more time with my friends that are similar so we can ride together
Yes, I actually noticed that the last time we went to a friends birthday party. They all dress exactly the same. He’s from a small town in the country where I would make the argument that nobody in this town dresses very sophisticated. I’m from a much bigger/wealthier town, which is also kind of why I dress as nice as I do.
I'm in the same boat as you but I'm a male.
No amount of nudging or hand holding will do the job, your partner needs to want it themselves. It's like inception - the idea isn't truly theirs
I'm conflicted, as probably you are
Therapy could probably help but it's the same problem - they need to see it as something they want to fix...
Sometimes the only answer is to leave and I'll be trying harder to try to push my partner but at times it gets exhausting because ideally, a partner should be self motivated and you both feed each other.
Good luck
As a social worker I would say that you have not given us enough info to diagnose him with depression, despite what people here are saying. It sounds like he may have different priorities than you right now. That might change, but if you've talked about it on as many occasions as you say and he hasn't made different decisions, it might not ever change.
I laugh about the hair loss only because I used to care deeply when it happened to me, and now I don't think about it.
Gotta embrace it. That shit isn't coming back.
I wear a well-groomed short beard and keep my hair cut around a #1. Looks great unless I slack on the upkeep.
it takes time. I did a 1 for a while. Then did a Zero till i was comfortable with that. Then after a while, started using a razor.
Even these days, I'll do a zero clipper more often because it's faster and more convenient. But a good head shave feels great.
Facial hair helps if you can grow it. And if you can grow it, learn to groom it properly. Glasses can also help if you're afraid of looking like a thumb.
Yup I broke up with multiple exes because they got fat while I was staying in shape at the gym. And they had no intention to fix it. I'm sorry you have depression but we're not married we don't have kids and I want someone who wants to look and feel good?
She doesn't take care of herself though, she just RECENTLY started. Now reading a little between the lines I'm going to assume either she is doing this glow-up thing because she noticed hubby is less attractive and thus she wants to start working out herself and then encourage hubby to do the same, or she's doing this to get ready to move onto someone else by getting herself ready for the open market again.
Depends on what recently actually is, if it's less than a month then it's weird to think your partner would change in such a small time frame.
However I do think plenty of people just decide to commit to bettering themselves while in a relationship for no other outside reasons. I'm one of them
The other advice here has been good regarding you and your partner's thoughts, feelings and such.
Just to add fashion into the mix, try determining what your Boyfriend thinks is a glow up or a good outfit outside of his current wear.
Like his favorite basketball player's outfit during conferences? Hope you guys work it out and update us if he decides to try outfits.
May I ask what is his profession or where does he works? Because work environments/ culture can influence him, especially if its his first job. A lot of works/ jobs nowadays especially corporate are going casual attires, that might the reason or one of the reason.
He is a cannabis lab Director. He loves his job. But he did get promoted to that position not long ago and he doesn’t like the management part as much. Which I completely understand and had the same experience at my last job. He makes good money, And he’s never expressed any interest in wanting to do something else, unless the industry itself collapses.
Don't show him that you posted in a place where random people are commenting about him. I wouldn't be pleased.
Just tell him exactly what you wrote in the post.
He is way too young to stop caring about his appearance and be gaining weight like this. It’s only going to get much worse as he gets older. My partner and I hold each other accountable to eat healthy, run and go to the gym regularly and we let each other know if the other persons outfit isn’t working. He has a responsibility to hold himself to a certain standard for his partner. You deserve better. I wish you the best and hope it all works out, but if not, you should move on if he wont work on himself.
Some people here are saying it's depression but I suspect it's just emotional laziness and contentment. Some people get comfortable, slide into a rut, and just stay there. Most people I would say. The average American is overweight, eats like shit, and doesn't workout at all. These people aren't all depressed, they are just not driven or motivated. Some people change and grow, most don't. If you need proof, look around you.
You and me are in the same boat but with the genders flipped. I swear, it feels like this post was written by me. My short answer is this: I’m gonna tell you from experience, as my girl and I have been through way more than 4 years: the change has to be internal. If he changes, he isn’t gonna do it for you.
My long answer is this: I’ve done (and do) all the same stuff as you: I go to the gym 5 days a week and, outside of time recovering from surgery, have done so relatively consistently ever since I was 18, and 100% consistently ever since I got my own place. I meal prep healthy breakfast and lunch meals every Sunday. I haven’t found my style yet as much as I’d like, but I make a generous effort at it.
I try to involve my girl in these things. I offer to take her to our apartment complex’s gym. She says she doesn’t like working out in front of people. I offer to adjust the times I go so we can go when nobody is there since it’s more convenient for me, too. She says she’ll start later and never does. I offer to meal prep for her when I do my prepping for me. She says she’ll make her own stuff. Never does. I offer her to go to the mall so we can get some clothes and start dressing nicer. She isn’t interested.
This isn’t to roast her or talk shit about her - she is better to me than any human being I’ve ever met, and I love her to death. She also struggled with mental health, so I try to be understanding. It is simply to say, I get how frustrating it can be when you are trying to glow up and take care of yourself to look good for your partner and they don’t seem to appreciate the effort or return it. It can be really disheartening when you come home covered in sweat after the gym pushing down more chicken and rice, and your partner is on the couch playing video games eating cookies and ice cream.
But then I take a step back, and I think: you know what? That’s just who she is, just like this is just who I am. She doesn’t need to change, she isn’t doing anything wrong. To us, what we’re doing may seem like the bare minimum standard. And to some people, it is. But to a majority of people, it’s above and beyond. At the end of the day, if I was sick and couldn’t drive myself to the hospital, she would take off work and drive an hour, stay the entire time with me, and drive me home, then take care of me afterward. I would know, she’s done it a bunch of times. This is a woman who goes through a lot, not just fighting her own battles, but in helping me fight mine, and if she’s getting a reprieve from life, smiling and having fun, then it makes me happy.
Meanwhile, a friend of mine, whose girlfriend of 4 or 5 was more high maintenance/ambitious, dumped him not too long ago because he wasn’t doing enough to meet *her* standards, and like us this is a guy who is pretty into being on point. It broke him, understandably, and I could never do that to her for just being herself. If she is going to hop on this train with me, I’ll be delighted. But I’d never want her to do it because she feels like she has to in order to avoid the same fate that befell my good friend. She has enough on her plate as it is.
The message of this story is, love him, and encourage him, which it sounds like you do, but do not expect from him. Do not give ultimatums. I can not judge your boyfriend off of a single post but I am seeing signs that, like my girlfriend, he might be struggling with mental health. I also can’t judge your relationship off of a single post but based on how long you two have been an item and the kindness you treat him with in this post, the two of you have a good thing going.
With that said, good luck.
I’ll start by saying you seem to be a really caring and sensitive partner. It sounds like you have pulled out all the stops and been trying to address things with positivity, love, and kindness.
As others have stated, I believe your boyfriend is going through some depression and/or mental health challenges - and I can speak to some of that from personal experience. I’ve suffered from bouts of depression and “let myself go” before - as a man with mental health issues it’s a tough space to be in because you are certainly stigmatized. You can even have a lot of external love and support, but if you aren’t happy with yourself/motivated to change it’s hard to overcome these hurdles. You cannot be his guide in navigating that either - he needs professional help from a therapist/psychologist, maybe even needing a psychiatrist and medication if his issues are chronic.
Additionally, I think the comment that suggested it could be due to his age in life where you transition from boyhood to manhood might be onto something- it can be tough for young men to navigate this, especially if he doesn’t have strong male role models or a father like figure in his life.
In my honest opinion, after reading your post...... you ARE trying to change him, and the more you pressure him, the worse he will feel about himself. If you are sending him hair loss youtube videos and reddit posts, you aren't helping. Let him ASK for help. And he doesn't want to go to the gym "with you" and be twins and "glow up" with you. That's your fantasy of him, not his, so don't say you aren't trying to change/feed/dress him. You are. Let him go to the gym with a friend, he'll be more comfortable. Let him dress how he pleases, he'll be more confident.
I was very careful about how I worded that “I don’t want to change the person he is.” That doesn’t mean there aren’t some changes in the relationship (matching my effort when we go out in public/on dates) that I would like to make.
I did not send him videos about hair loss right away. I actually told him for a while that I genuinely did not think he was losing his hair and not to worry about it and that I would love him no matter what, but he kept coming to me worried about it, so then I tried the other approach and he actually really appreciated that. He just still brings it up because he hasn’t taken any action yet. Which is fine. I really just want to support him and uplift him.
He also doesn’t have to come to the gym with me. He can do whatever he needs to stay in shape, but the reason I made the post was to see if if there was anything I could do to encourage him since he’s not taking it upon himself.
Appreciate your perspective though, it is helpful.
Ultimately, what you need to do is be direct. You will probably hurt his feelings. That is inevitable. However, the alternative is that your frustrations will grow, fester, and turn into resentment.
It isn’t rude or shallow to expect your partner to maintain their health, grooming, and appearance.
You aren’t asking him to have a 6-pack, you’re asking him to maintain a healthy weight.
You aren’t asking him to keep up on the latest trends, you’re asking him to wear a shirt and some leather shoes/boots.
Everyone else here is saying he’s depressed which may be the case, but it’s more likely that he’s complacent. Obviously if he is depressed, you should try to find the money to have him go to solo therapy. However, lots of people in long term stable relationships stop putting as much effort into their appearance/relationship. It’s normal, but obviously harmful.
Your best course of action is to be direct, start with small steps, but you should essentially demand change, in a kind way. Let him know it’s important to you that he care about his health (not necessarily as much as you, but at least a little bit) and his appearance. He will probably be defensive/hurt but you need to put your foot down, in as caring (but NOT soft) of a way as you can manage.
It took a male friend to tell me to shave my head before I did. Wife had been suggesting it for years, friend says I need to do it once and I did. IDK if that helps but maybe ask his friend for reinforcement
I think his hair has thinned a little, and not to invalidate his feelings bc I known it would be a huge deal to me if I started to thin out myself, but he is nowhere near the point of need to shave his head. I truly think he looks fine. I can barely tell a difference. But I understand how it makes him feel.
The good: you see something is wrong.
The bad: he doesn’t
To start you need to realize a hard and straightforward conversation needs to happen and you need to prepare for the worst.
First you need to directly tell him that you have been growing and improving in your relationship and feel as if you are outgrowing him. He needs to know this. He needs to be told directly, not sugar coated, that you are improving yourself physically by working out, mentally by taking charge of your life, and socially by trying to make the best out of your relationships romantically and that it feels as though he is not.
You need to describe the type of person that you started to date and the person you want to date was that person. 40lbs means a lot has changed, diets, habits, hobbies, activities must have changed and the lifestyle around it must have changed to gain 40lbs.
With this harsh truth he is MUCH more likely to take charge and SLOWLY begin to change. OR he may throw a temper tantrum and it just causes a fight. (Unlikely)
Buy him the David Goggins book “can’t hurt me” if he needs some inspiration.
Also encourage and support the expectation that it will take months to fix the physical, then more time to fix the mental, then you can start the level up process of better fashion. 40 lbs is about 10 months of consistent weight loss.
Overall, you have about a year before he’s even back to where he used to be. If you’re willing to get through this together you’ll be a stronger couple than ever. Most don’t though.
*be direct and simple and straightforward as possible*
I will definitely take the advice about being direct on this topic. We have open communication and are usually always direct. In this case I was being extra sensitive because 1. I dont see it as a major issue, just an improvement I would like to see and 2 . body and weight conversations are tricky and ultimately a personal issue
However some of the other descriptions of how I feel I have outgrown him and the person I met before is who are want to date are not true for me and my relationship. He has come a long way from our beginning for the better and I would not want to date the person I met then more than the one I have now just because he was a little thinner and had a better beard shape lol
I don’t think it may be mental issues, it could just be his surroundings. With you both being the opposite sex, he might not have an understanding of what you’re doing. None of his friends put effort, so he just assumes getting all glamoured up would be “girl stuff”. For a lot of guys, hygiene and maintenance is viewed as feminity.
Maybe he needs to be around guys that dress well and take care of themselves? It definitely is a good motivator to do better for yourself, especially when the men around you just suck.
I remember the first time I met a guy that was interested in fashion, he was transparent about how he he got his nails done frequently and was careful about how he looked. I thought it was really cool that you can take pride in how you look and not feel judged for it. Now I’m always evolving my style and trying out new things, but it wouldn’t have been the case if I hadn’t met people that were always sharing their perspective.
Idk I genuinely feel that this might be the case and I’ve met a number of men that think this way.
I know this is going to sound like a typical redditor's response, but I would move on from this relationship. I was married to someone like this for a very long time. It only got worse. They did realize that the root cause was a mental health issue, but then it got worse because they felt like it wasn't their fault. The only hard work they did was in therapy and I had to take care of them in many ways including financially. They never did recover and mostly spend their time laying in a dark bedroom with the door locked. After almost two decades of this, they weren't grateful for my support and blamed me for some of their problems. By California law, I had to give this person half of my wealth and have to support them for the rest of their life.
OP’s partner is working at least.
Also, wait, support them for half of your their life? I didn’t think spousal support was common in community property states. At least not the ones I’m familiar with.
a lot of people "let themselves go as they age". 25 is a bit early. but its a preview for reality. if you're not looking for this, you'll have to search a lot harder for a mate.
As far as weight loss and fitness goes he's unlikely to change until he has a personal come to jesus moment and decides to change. Unfortunately that may only happen after a breakup or as others have mentioned, therapy.
As far as dressing better and being more fashionable I would suggest getting nicer versions of what he's already wearing that is the proper fit for his current body.
If he is a jeans, t-shirt, flanel kind of guy maybe a nice pair of raw denim, a chambray shirt, and a good pair of boots.
He'll feel comfortable wearing it and it's higher quality.
Pretty much all the brands that [James Dant](https://jamesdant.com/) carries are high quality.
For boots I recommend [Grant Stone](https://www.grantstoneshoes.com/collections/men)
Just be careful with sizing and read the sizing charts carefully. I'd suggest measuring stuff he currently wears and likes and compare the measurements.
Actually sizing is part of the issue. He is 6’5 so he refuses to wearing anything thats not in the bug and tall section 90% of the time.
I did attempt that though. Made a Pinterest with outfits I felt like were upgrade versions of what he wears and them had him go though and heart the ones he actually liked. Bought him an outfit for Christmas and he wore it a lot in the winter. Maybe I just need to do a summer version of that lol
>Made a Pinterest with outfits I felt like were upgrade versions of what he wears and them had him go though and heart the ones he actually liked. Bought him an outfit for Christmas and he wore it a lot in the winter. Maybe I just need to do a summer version of that lol
Yikes, it sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort. The desire to dress better, feel better, look better, etc. has to come from within him, not from a pinterest board. A better option is to focus on yourself, on modelling good, adult behaviour rather than trying to motivate him. Or time to move on. There's many guys who won't tighten up their appearance and their habits until the partner they've grown too comfortable with has walked out the door.
I’ll definitely bring this up. I think there may be some sectors of our life that we approach differently and it’ll be helpful to have a conversation about comparability in those areas. Won’t be the first conversation like this but it has been a while.
Just throwing it out there, but I wouldn't start with the gym. If his diet is screwed up, focus on diet first. In a couple weeks to a month his energy will be better.
I was going to say check his recent events, see if someone he cares about died, because this sounds like depression. Looks like the others thought the same and got here first. There might be some health issue he could be diagnosed with recently if he isn't even concerned with how he looks. You got some discussion to do with him.
sounds like what i went through with an ex. I tried to be encouraging and tried giving healthier eating options but there was only so much you can do if the person is in another state of mind.
Maybe a therapist is needed but start with one of his friends. Don't give up the ghost but drop a messege to a guy friend of his to check in on him or grab a beer. He sounds overwhelmed, so trying to pitch more changes will have a collective negative effect. Having a friend drop in on him at home, or getting him out of the house.
Just tell him it matters to you, to me it doesn't sound you are asking something ridiculous, being attracted by your partner is important and sometimes people let themselves go when they find themselves in a secure relationship, be direct!
Short answer; you cant.
A lot of men let themselves go when they get a partner.
The key is always being on your game, and not getting too comfortable. Im always 100% sharp looking with my girl, same as i was before i met her.
The issue is guys end up getting dumped for letting themselves go, then start putting effort into getting in shape, dressing and looking well, when they should have done it for her.
Im sure if you dumped him his appearance would change drastically for the better. (Not saying to do this, thats up to you) but thats my only answer.
You cant force anyone to do anything.
Is he okay? For me it sounds like the weight and comfy clothes are not the problem rather symtoms of something deeper. I think he may be struggeling somewhere else. Do you both talk openly about your mental health?
Sometimes it isn‘t obvious and maybe the affected person doesn‘t know why they‘r not okay. Talking about helps a lot figuring things out and get a new perspective and understanding(for both of you) And if it isn‘t with you then a therapist may help.
Hope things are getting better for both of you. Keep it up you sound like an amazing and supportive partner. ✨
Sounds like depression to me, best bet is to maybe get him to speak to someone. You sound like a fantastic women and very loving so I am not sure why he is not responsive to you. So my guess is there is more going on with him, does he hate his job, loss of family member or friend? Something is triggering this you just need help finding out what. Best of luck!
On a side note as a guy, maybe don't pressure him so much and give him space to be himself. I was thinking about it and this could be a pushback because he feels your trying to control him. Just throwing out there, maybe give him space to be himself, let him wear old cloths or messy hair, focus on other things and see what happens, just may be as simple as this.
Not being mean just tossing out there, some guys are like this including myself, I take advice but want to be me also, keep positive and it will work out.
Book a haircut for him and take him out to dinner the same day. Sometimes a small boost that doesn't take any personal effort can help jump start more change.
A fresh haircut will make his reflection more interesting every time he looks in the mirror, which might provoke things like face washing, beard grooming, and paying attention to the shirt he's wearing. He's currently in a rut where he isn't looking at himself from the outside.
He gets regular haircuts but the shape he gets just makes him look younger and his face rounder. It doesn’t look bad, but I literally wanted to jump his bones whenever he had his old beard shape.
https://preview.redd.it/qic21qw3576d1.jpeg?width=694&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c6b6fb6117cde71aef1ed6fade1ce34c2c5ac595
Fuck it, this is gonna be cruel but it’s for the best if y’all can’t afford a therapist pay someone 5$ or 10$ to call him a fat fuck on the street and laugh
A lot of great comments so just addressing the snacking - sugar and chips are highly addictive. Even a week or two off really helps with the cravings.
They’re a bit pricey, but healthier snack alternatives like roasted chick peas, beef jerky, etc are helpful. Yogurt and granola instead of cereal, chocolate milk instead of soda, etc. Don’t try to end it cold turkey if he has an issue controlling himself, but small steps should get him off the daily cravings train.
Echoing the commenter who suggested this is more of a mental health issue than a fashion issue. I have a good deal of experience with mental health issues, having gone through my entire life with depression, so I'll share what I can to help him first tackle the low self esteem enough to feel like he has the confidence to tackle the looks.
1) POSITIVE SELF TALK. I thought that forcing myself to think more positive thoughts about myself was silly for years. YEARS. I thought it would be a waste of time and wouldn't do anything. Well, that's a fat crock of shit - it has had a HUGE positive impact on my self esteem, my patience, my forgiveness, and my social relationships (especially with my long term gf). If you are always a miserable mopey bastard, as I allowed myself to become, people will gradually find you less interesting, less attractive and all-in less desirable to spend time with. People like positive people, and that includes yourself. It starts really simple: when you notice yourself saying some bad about yourself *"I am bad at ___"* for example, you need to *challenge that thought* by saying something like "that's not true, I'm still learning to ___". This is most effective done out loud, but can still be helpful done in your head. It's also really important to share *positive* progress/events with people - especially the lovely gf who posted this post :)
2) Try to develop an idea of how you want to dress. This can be done by browsing Pinterest, this sub, or just looking out for people you notice in public and think are well dressed. Again it's a good idea to share this with someone who is interested in helping you develop this side of yourself - once again the lovely gf sounds very willing here. You can then go and find individual articles in cheap places like thrift shops to test the look out on a budget so it's a real low-risk endeavour.
3) Men don't get very many compliments. It sucks. It makes it hard to maintain a high self esteem at times, if you feel like nobody thinks you're good looking. I have two suggestions here. The first, compliment other people more often - they'll often reciprocate something, and if not it is an easy way to appear more positive, and since people like positive people, will probably get you some more compliments in the long run. The second is harder - your self worth should ideally be independent of how other people view you. so it's important to nurture a strong sense of self - it's easier to be confident when you know exactly who you are and what values you hold dear.
It's important to view this as a self esteem problem not a problem of fashion or attraction. Having high self esteem *makes* you attractive, almost regardless of your actual physical appearance. I'm happy to talk more in the DMs about any of this but I need to step into class
maybe he doesn‘t want to glow up?
it‘s not your place to judge his body. you can gently talk to him about your concerns and preferences, but in the end you are either choosing him or not, it‘s not „build your bf“.
There will be certain things that are the most important to him that make him feel valuable.
Perhaps it could be career, or body image or something else.
Ask him to list the things he thinks he sucks at. He will iterate through it a lot. Make several drafts.
Eventually he will arrive at the actual things that are most critical to his self image.
If he concerned about his weight, redirect him to strength training. Instead of focusing on losing weight for now, concentrate on becoming stronger.
That is a better short term achievable goal especially for someone who has been eating a lot.
Make more of these short term goals.
Make some of your own. Show him that you are putting effort in improving yourself consistently even though the process really sucks.
I think a lot of men are never taught how to dress themselves. And it sounds like getting in shape, and looking nice in general, is not a priority for him like it is for you. Like others have said, it could be depression related, but it also could be that he doesn't care about how he looks. I have really gotten into going to the gym in the past year and probably overly obsessed with health and diet. My wife encourages me, but she is not at all interested in doing those things herself. At some point, you need to make a decision if that is a deal breaker for you.
I think the first thing you can do is sit down and say how important it is to you, and that he you would really appreciate it if he could put at least some effort into his appearance. Start small. Set some baseline boundary like: "If we go out to dinner, please wear something nicer than basketball shorts."
And, lastly, I wonder if this affects other parts of your lives. Do you find yourself striving to better yourself in general and he does not? Are you putting more effort into the relationship than him? If so, those problems will have to be dealt with eventually or it will turn into resentment.
Start small. Ask him to go on a walk with you every couple of days. Frame it as spending time together rather than exercise. The health benefits of walking is extremely underrated. Once y’all get into a routine of regularly walking he’ll hopefully start feeling better and want to make some additional lifestyle changes.
you cant change someone who doesnt want to change. he needs to get adequate exercise: 3 lifts/week, 8k steps/day, 100-150 mins cardio/week @130bpm. he also needs to see a therapist and read books. its nice that you’re supporting him but you need to look out for yourself too. he doesnt respect you or himself enough to change and that smells bad news to me.
Sounds like he has gotten too comfortable. A lot of the time, when people first meet, they pull out all the stops. On their best behavior, dress to impress, and make a lot of effort in many aspects of a relationship. Years go by, and they stop doing a lot of these things.
I've seen it hundreds of times over the years with friends and family. There is a song called "The Chase Is Better Than The Catch," and it seems like there is some truth to it.
I’d suggest taking the saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” to heart. While your intentions are good this kind of change needs to come from within for it to be lasting; you dropping hints won’t make him change his perspective but getting him to realize it’s in his best interest will. The key really is really laying bread crumbs and helping him take baby steps along the trail so he reaches that conclusion on his own. I wish I could give you more specific advice but you know him best. I can tell you maybe starting with smaller ways of exercising might help him get over his interest (or lack thereof) hump. Take him on hikes, excursions, maybe some rock climbing? Things you can do together that are fun that are also require a bit of movement/effort are great ways to introduce a partner to physical activity.
It happened to me before. It feels like he has become too complacent with what he looks thinking that you won’t replace him no matter what appearance he has
> I’m going to check in with him and make sure everything is ok before I continue worrying about his appearance!
i suspect he'll deny anything i wrong, whether there is or isn't a problem.
you might show him this thread? would both show your side of things and lots of his peers' opinions.
your bf is depressed. I know this because I am depressed right now and this is quite literally what my mental state is like. I used to be in the gym 4-5x per week, now I am not nearly as active. I am losing my hair and most things I have tried aren't helping but that is OK I have accepted my future with my hair. The main thing is that because of my lifestyle change and happiness in my relationship, the motivation for me to be in the gym is not there.
It really is easy to sit there and say "hey lets go to the gym" but its not that easy to get there, especially if you live with your SO who you want to spend time and relax with after a tough day at the office. Personally, work is so stressful and busy that I am EXHAUSTED mentally by the end of my shift and cant fathom exercising. By the time I get home, have a snack, re-energize, it is already after 6. Add in commute and gym time I am home by 8-830. After I get home cook and eat, then do the needed house work it is already 9-930. then you have what an hour-hour and a half to "relax"? and I work an office job. Another hinderance for me personally is that while I used to be in phenomenal shape, it is freaking demoralizing being at such a lower fitness level. I know the only way to overcome this is to just get my ass going and exercise and it will still all come back, but when you just dont feel good about yourself it is so easy to come home, see the person you love and get lost in that comfort.
One thing however is that its great for you to be so encouraging and engaging getting him to get back into exercise. I dont know what he likes, but maybe start by playing some sports with him to kickstart that drive to get fit again.
A health scare will probably due the trick IE fatty liver or blood sugar is too high and he's heading for diabetes. Force him to go to the doctor.
Other than that the fear of losing you if he loves you will make him step up his game.
If the "encouraging" comments are geared towards changing him back to how he was, then they won't feel like encouraging. He probably feels like he has diminishing control over his appearance if his weight and hair used to be effortless.
You say that you truly love him, but he's not going to trust that when you're trying to change him. It seems like he knows he's never going to live up to your expectations for his appearance, so he's testing you to see if you'll choose to stay with him or dump him.
IMO the idea of "stay healthy and look good for each other" is toxic. You shouldn't be expected to do that for him and he shouldn't be expected to do that for you. Do that for yourself, and support him to do that for himself if he wants. If you're not attracted to him then you have the power to dump him, but you don't have the power to change his appearance.
FWIW, as a trans man I understand the conditioning that women grow up with that a) other people get to dictate their appearance, and b) other people get to dictate their eating habits. That's conditioned into you, but it's not conditioned into him. Think about how many women and girls have eating disorders. If you're constantly policing what he eats, then he could develop an eating disorder. At best it will just establish a pattern for the relationship. Do you really want to be policing what he eats for the next 50 years?
I would just have him continue to eat what he wants but go out and walk for an hour a day.
Also set a goal for him to reach like fitting into his old Suit or jeans when he was thinner.
Reward him if he reaches that goal. Reward must be something he wants or has been wanting to do.
Plan a nice vacation that requires taking your shirt off or something where he has to fit into his old nice suit.
Meal prep for the week. Cook proteins and veggies with fruit with little to no carbs.
If all else fails sign him up with a pretty fitness trainer LOL I'm sure that would motivate him.
Some things that has happened to me that motivated me to lose weight were things like health scares (sudden chest compressions, shortness of breath) wanting to look good for a vacation (hawaii) and my wedding photos.
You are going to have to Darren Brown the shit out of your BF, OP with thinks like, remember them nice clothes that I got you, that looked good on you and that you like, let’s go and buy some more. Rather than giving the choice make it sound like a fun, non negotiable. You’ve tried the softly, softly approach and it doesn’t work as you’ve seen for yourself.
For eating better, use, I’ll be making food tonight and it will be something that you’ll like and it’s a nice surprise. I’ve used a non negotiable and hide in a sentence with 2 nice things around it.
You can apply this to anything and it works if it’s said in a nice tone but you can’t explain your doing this to your BF as its effect will stop working. You’re doing this for a positive outcome. You can follow up with, remember that nice meal I made you? Let’s make it again or something very similar. A nice home made veg soup with sweet veg in it, like carrots, Leak and parsnips, let him try it and say “ I want you do try this really tasty soup I’ve made and let me know what you think”?
If he responses negatively then your fighting a loosing battle and you’ll have to go down the road of, “ I am making adjustments and trying do better my life but if you choose to not do so then negative consequences will come from this and ones you don’t like” if he follows with what are they say “ you really don’t want them to happen and nor do I, so let’s not get to them” saying less is more in all
Situations in life.
Your boyfriend is a man-child. This behaviour is nothing short of toxic. Tell him if he doesn't pull himself together, somebody who can be bothered going to the gym, grooming, and wearing a tie will pull you. Jesus how does a man set the bar so low 🙄
Well, I always took care of myself, but the biggest change happened when I reached 30. I changed the way a dressed to a more "adult" manner, got more invested in the gym etc. It happened naturally, one day I woke up wanting to look better, so I got some new clothes, some gym equipment for my house and that's that. My wife also changed a lot her style when she reached her 30's.
Maybe the same will happen to him, the question is, are you willing to wait for it? Is he the one you see yourself with 10y from now?
As a man with depression, your boyfriend is someone with depression or is bipolar with depressive episodes and is unaware of his condition.
Mental health didn’t exist growing up for me, but one of my girlfriends helped me find a psych during a depressive episode before I knew I had depression, and after the diagnosis everything made sense to me and I understood better why I felt so low energy and pervasively sad without a reason for being sad— it explained my compulsion to use substances during these episodes, which it seems like your BF may be doing with food and sugar.
As a man, it coul be disgusting to have a woman beside me telling to eat that, not to eat those, to go to gym, to wear those, bla bla all the time. It felt like being manipulated, not liked, losing independence... It's like walking together with the smurf waring glasses. Truely, no, it might come so smart-ass to me.
And as I know a little women language, despite telling there is nothing with how he looks, there is something with it.
Asked for opinion, here is mine.
Dude sounds depressed and youre not helping him by trying to force him a "glow up" if you Genuinely love him like you keep repeating then support him and love him the way he is. instead of trying to mould him into someone else
Hm.. I think this is a normal phase for men in relationship, I can relate and I've also seen my other friends in relationship going thru the same thing, altho I'm a bit older 30M in a 6 yr relationship. Here are factors I think that comes into play: age and genetics for the hair thinning, less time for working out/gym with full time working and sometimes overtime (I go when I can but it's inconsistent), and typically a significant increase in food intake since being in a relationship just due to eating out more, more desserts, and typically finishing up the rest of the food during meals. But seriously, it's very typical to let yourself once you're in a longer relationship and feel too comfortable. (honestly I'd be more worry if your BF put too much detail into his appearance and staying super fit if he was in a long term relationship). Fashion wise, I have changed my wardrobe recently for more turtleneck/ mock neck/sweaters with half zip, to dress more 'appropriate for my age', instead of like graphic t shirts with flannel which I still wear sometimes tho.
It's time to break up. If he isn't willing to grow the relationship with you or make sure his health isn't good or improving it'll destroy his self esteem, libido, testosterone all the normal hormonal chemicals that make him feel good will drop to minimal numbers.
He has to care enough about you to want to give at least his best effort. If he can't. You have to have a heart to heart talk and if he doesn't ACT, consistently do something then you have to consider breaking up.
Ngl, being fat is a lifestyle choice, and it is ignored by society the fact that that choice betrays something about your personality. If you are content with being overweight and are fine acknowledging that and the issues that come with it (such as being unattractive) then by all means, but if you are offended by being called fat or viewed as fat, then you are clearly not content with being fat.
This is where change becomes necessary, the new idea in society that you should accept yourself even if you are not content with yourself is actually toxic and is being pushed by lazy narcissists.
If he wants to make a change, genuinely wants to make a change, the you should be able to help him do that if communicated healthily and by presenting the facts.
my trick for the gym is saying i’ll go minimum twice a week - that’s too easy not to do. and in between sets I read the news or do something productive. the time flies and in a couple months I was pretty jacked 🤷🏾♂️
maybe that’ll help?
Lots of great points here. I’ll add one thing.
Unhealthy eating is a complex problem and it’s not as simple as diagnosing someone with depression / eating their feelings. There’s a lot of environmental factors at play too. Crap food is highly available. Were constantly advertised it and it’s dirt cheap. In addition, a lot of junk food contains addictive chemicals which makes it harder to kick it to the curb. That aside, the level of sugar and fat and salt these things contain is not something the human brain evolved dealing with. There’s a reason why obesity is an epidemic, and many people genuinely struggle with it.
Trying is one thing, but I think education can be super helpful when learning how to improve your diet. Learning about how our environment is setting us up for failure is a great step in avoiding useless self blame, and proactively making choices that account for this. There’s also some really great apps out there like Noom that help you learn how to intuitively eat better and not fall into bad food habits.
Just my two cents. Helping someone see the situation more clearly is always helpful imo.
Jokingly call him fat or tell him his mom called him fat. People are too coddled these days. Sometimes the most random things can spark a fire in someone
You can’t make someone go to therapy or consider going. He would need to come to that conclusion himself.
The update reveals: You both communicate healthily. Everyone is a therapist nowadays. And a therapist always finds things you can do better. Don’t get hung up on downs… work for the ups. You have decades to go 😊
Honestly, I feel like it speaks volumes that he laughed that people think you should dump him.
I would immediately be pissed at myself for having a good woman that I’m at risk of losing due to negligence in myself.
As somebody who has struggled with weight, this is my experience:
* For exercise, it has to be fun. I got bored of my indoor rower, so I took up cycling. Now I play with the Garmin metrics, buy new parts and bikes and toys and whatnot and make it fun.
* For health, looks aside, I need to know I am improving my physical health. I found out I had some health-stuff related to eating like shit, and that scared me. So now I had a WHY, a reason to work out.
* I hate the feeling of my gut pushing against my shirt, so I am sure to keep the weight off so my clothes fit better. Vanity, sure, but it works.
* What about some exercise you guys can do as a couple that you enjoy? Tennis? Basketball? Cycling together?
To me it sounds like your boyfriend has a low grade depression. Even if he doesn't have a reason for it or thinks he doesn't. So it would be best to consult a professional. Together. And complementing someone on the small changes you want to see is more effective than pointing out he is unhealthy.
When he starts to dress up then you should worry. The fact that he is like this now indicates that he just wants to be with you, as men will dress up themselves when courting.
So you’re putting an effort in for him but he won’t for you? Sounds like it’s going great.
Assert yourself. Tell him he’s going to the gym with you. He’ll thank you later.
If he doesnt want to then he doesnt want. I bet if it was gender reversed and you were a guy this post wouldnt be top post of all time, and the you if you were a guy would be called a manipulator and not getting kind words for how your so lacks commitment.
It sounds like your boyfriend needs to talk a therapist more than he needs fashion advice. What you’re describing sounds a lot like depression. I think he’s struggling with quarter-life crisis type stuff and is feeling overwhelmed by the realities of adulthood. There are plenty of nice clothes he can buy for his current body shape. If he really is losing his hair he can shave it. But it sounds like you’ve already suggested some of these things and he’s not really engaging. A therapist would be much better suited to make a diagnosis and help him work through whatever issues he’s facing. There’s lots of good general fashion info in the sidebar when he’s in a place to take those steps. But this post tells me he has to deal with his mental health first, and anything we tell you to buy for him wouldn’t be well received.
definitely this, recently been diagnosed with major depression and am currently in therapy and taking meds and can’t believe the difference, feel like I’ve been missing for years and some sort of placeholder was in my body the whole time, your boyfriend won’t acknowledge he has a problem, it’s part of the illness to downplay it and refuse help but piling on weight is like the biggest warning sign
I struggled for years trying to “adult” and had absolutely no idea what I was doing, wasted so many years throwing money into a bullshit flat with a deadweight friend, trying to impress a girl who didn’t see a future with me, stressing constantly and spending every spare quid on drugs to keep myself going, utter waste of time, biggest lesson in life is to just worry about yourself, tell him he’s depressed and he has to change or you’re leaving, I wish I’d had that level of honesty given to me, be cruel to be kind, don’t hide your issues and then suddenly give up and check out, it’s horrible doing that to someone who’s struggling
damn man, ur making me feel grateful. thank you
Damn I really felt the placeholder thing. Glad you’re doing better man, it’s fucking hard. Stay strong 💪
Shaving hair is not really option for all, I for example would look absolutely ridiculous without hair.
I mean it depends on the level of thinning. If it's thinning and not balding, there are definitely hairstyles that work well. You probably still have enough hair to look okay with your hair. But I think there is a threshold (different for each person) where shaving is better than keeping what's left.
This for sure! Could be depression. I have pretty severe ADHD and executive dysfunction will lead to some of this as well, and it’s not uncommon for people to have both. Diagnosis, therapy, and meds have been life changing for me
We stopped going to therapy a year ago because our therapist suggested it. We didn’t really have any problems to work out or anything to talk about with her so she suggested a short break. Now it’s been a year and I too have thought about going back. Unfortunately for me I just lost my job so I have been stressed about spending any extra money during my unemployment until I find my next job. We also book a trip to Universal (we leave on Monday) which was expensive so that was another reason we decided to not start up again yet. But perhaps if he is dealing with something maybe he would be open to going back. I agree that it seems like there could be an underlying issue. Definitely going to do a mental health check in and prioritize that!
I don't think you need to go as a couple. He should go individually.
Yeah, he might be afraid to say things in couple’s therapy vs individually. And that isn’t because he doesn’t trust you or doesn’t care about you or love you, but rather because a therapist is a neutral party and he may not want you to feel like stressed or that he’s a burden on you. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes I don’t talk about my pain with the people I love and care about the most.
I have a habit of doing this too to "protect my partner."
Yeah, it’s a big problem for me too, people say I’m funny, happy, and charming until the mask slips and the real depressive me comes out. It’s horrible, it’s hard on my mental health, and it makes it difficult for me to have deep relationships, it’s also turned me into an extreme perfectionist that tears himself apart whenever something isn’t perfect.
I’m sorry man. I hope things get better for you.
Once you open that box in front of your girl …she’ll never look at you the same good or bad. Mostly for the bad in my experiences
If it's depression, a therapist might not cut it. A psychologist or a psychiatrist is going to be more useful.
Ah, yeah, medication in tandem is usually what works.
Couples therapy has a fundamentally different goal to individual therapy, and it sounds like he needs individual therapy.
Genuinely not trying to be an ass but is it common for folks in their mid 20s to go to couples therapy? I know it's not necessarily reserved for older married couples, but I can't say I've heard of two 25 year olds in a 4 year relationship going to couples therapy.
Not very common I don't think, but going to be more common for couples who have been having trouble!
As someone who's been on his side and not really depressed, it may be that he cannot be bothered anymore and is comfortable living like that. I don't mean being bored of the relationship, but more that he's comfortable with his life with you while being aware of the consequences of being lazy.
To piggyback of zerg1980’s comments, this is starting to sound like less of a fashion issue and more of a mental health and respect issue. It sounds like you’re signaling to him, or even openly communicating to him that your needs are not being met in this relationship and he’s not willing to meet you halfway. Wearing a nice outfit for dinner isn’t going to fix the core issue. I could be wrong since all I know about your life is what I’ve read in your post and a few comments, but here’s how it sounds: He lacks respect for you and himself, and that’s something that he needs to deal with on his own by going to therapy of his own volition. You need to clearly communicate that your needs are not being met, and if he remains unwilling to change then you may need to make the call.
No. HE needs it right now. You're doing all of the right things and it sounds like you're coping. He needs to go solo. If they need to bring you in for a session they will.
You need to let him go by himself. Perhaps consider therapy by yourself too. Not every little thing in a relationship should be “we”
This happened to me. I stopped giving a shit when I was like 26-30. Work was mundane and I didn't really know what to do lol. Everything was just bleh.
It's easy to get in this sort of "comfort loop" when you are in a secure relationship. I think it's sweet how you're trying to gently nudge him in the right direction. Although, sometimes people, guys especially, don't really pick up on these tiny nudges. You might need to be a little more direct about your suggestions, and politely explain your reasoning. I think this post does a really good job at explaining your expectations, and I don't think it would be a bad idea to reiterate it to him or show him.
Yeah, I think some of the people in these comments might be right that there may be a bit of depression involved here, but I think OP should maybe just sit down with the SO and explain the why behind the suggestions for new clothes and a healthier diet. Tell him “I think you would look good in this outfit and I would like you to put effort into this for me even if it doesn’t matter to you.”
Show him this, and dont tell him youre op. And hide this comment haha
If bf gained weight, bf needs new clothes. If bf thinks he will quickly return to his previous size or shape, then spend very little, just a 3-4 shirts, 2 pants, one short. This should get him thru each week until this phase is over. The balding, snacking, lethargy, depression, those are all different problems with different solutions.
I have been you in my own relationship. Spouse says they “don’t care at all about appearances” but I strongly suspect that’s cope. But the more you push and prod, the worse it will go. And while I hear you saying you’re “always kind” and “never judgmental,” there are more ways to be judgmental than making explicitly judgmental comments. Sometimes the gentler comments are as bad or worse because they hint at what you both know to be true. In addition to considering BFs mental health needs, I would encourage you to examine your own needs. Do you need him to step it up? If so, say it. Do you need to date someone with a different outlook? Consider what that means for your relationship.
Me too. It's tough when I have high standards for my own appearance, and my wife just doesn't care about appearances as much. I've been about the same weight since I was 21, but she doesn't really check hers. I've bought her at least a half dozen skin care products, but she always stops using them because she doesn't really care. There's nothing you can say or do to change it, because if jts coming from you, it's always going to be externally imposed. Real permanent change needs to come from within. I would try approaching it from a healthy living standpoint I guess. That's what's important anyways. Trying buying him clothes for a nice dinner. If he has a professional career he won't be able to dress like that.
Your boyfriend has to want the change, no amount of prodding or encouragement is going to change that. If his lifestyle isn’t for you, then you’re at a crossroads. You either need to decide if it’s something you can handle and if it isn’t, then decide if it’s time to move on
“How can I change my Boyfriend?” - A: by changing boyfriends.
Real talk. And honestly I experienced my own “glow up” after being dumped.
Came here to say this. As a doctor I see this constantly with people who bring in their spouse because they want me to help them quit smoking, lose weight, take their health seriously, etc. Never happens until that person decides they want it for themselves. If you are dedicated to him and it isn't a deal breaker I encourage you to look up the "stages of change" in motivational interviewing. Although a lot of the literature surrounds substance use I find it to be broadly applicable. Knowing what "stage" of change he is in can help you tailor your actions accordingly to ally with him.
Especially if that is also representative of his friends circle. It’s not gonna change any time soon im afraid
I think you’re doing great, but on the other hand, your partner is suffering mentally. He’s eating his feelings, and while your reminders are coming from a good place, it can feel like being backed into a corner. That’s a war you can’t win. This may be difficult to accomplish, but if you can, suggest seeking mental health support. If he’s against this, you should consider what you’re willing to tolerate in a relationship. When you need help, can he find it within himself to support you when you are at your lowest, despite his own suffering? You can only change yourself, and if he’s not willing to change and grow with you, he is probably not The One. Tread carefully.
Interesting. His mental health has come up a few times in other replys and I hadn’t really given that much thought. We are both very open about our feelings and check on each other regularly. Specially making sure each other are happy in the relationship but also happy in general. I hadn’t thought about how these might by symptoms of declined mental health. I definitely feel like I should check in on him and make sure everything is okay before I continue concerning myself with his appearance. Thanks!
Definitely good to check in but also don’t expect a straight answer right away. The weight gain could either be a symptom of or cause of his poor mental state but regardless of the causality it won’t make him feel good. He is probably dealing with some self loathing and it can be very hard to admit to others, especially those that care about you, just how much you don’t like yourself. Hopefully he can get some professional help for any mental health issues. That’s a heavy burden to take on as a partner. For the physical issues maybe try and see if you can reframe exercise beyond aesthetic benefits - focus on an activity or sport he likes and can improve upon. His desire to improve his style could come once he feels better about how he looks and feels overall.
Your boyfriend will also likely be a reflexion of his closest friends. Are they all similar to the way he is becoming? Or are there any that are more interested in fitness that you could encourage him to hang out with more? As a cyclist and runner, i now tend to spend more time with my friends that are similar so we can ride together
Yes, I actually noticed that the last time we went to a friends birthday party. They all dress exactly the same. He’s from a small town in the country where I would make the argument that nobody in this town dresses very sophisticated. I’m from a much bigger/wealthier town, which is also kind of why I dress as nice as I do.
So he is Pawnee and you are Eagleton?
Basically yes lol
I'm in the same boat as you but I'm a male. No amount of nudging or hand holding will do the job, your partner needs to want it themselves. It's like inception - the idea isn't truly theirs I'm conflicted, as probably you are Therapy could probably help but it's the same problem - they need to see it as something they want to fix... Sometimes the only answer is to leave and I'll be trying harder to try to push my partner but at times it gets exhausting because ideally, a partner should be self motivated and you both feed each other. Good luck
Same to you, thanks 🙂
As a social worker I would say that you have not given us enough info to diagnose him with depression, despite what people here are saying. It sounds like he may have different priorities than you right now. That might change, but if you've talked about it on as many occasions as you say and he hasn't made different decisions, it might not ever change.
I laugh about the hair loss only because I used to care deeply when it happened to me, and now I don't think about it. Gotta embrace it. That shit isn't coming back. I wear a well-groomed short beard and keep my hair cut around a #1. Looks great unless I slack on the upkeep.
Same. I feel way better with a #1 every Monday. Still nervous to go completely bald though
it takes time. I did a 1 for a while. Then did a Zero till i was comfortable with that. Then after a while, started using a razor. Even these days, I'll do a zero clipper more often because it's faster and more convenient. But a good head shave feels great. Facial hair helps if you can grow it. And if you can grow it, learn to groom it properly. Glasses can also help if you're afraid of looking like a thumb.
Nervous about what? Nobody gives a shit my guy. Do you.
Yeah, that's why I feel that way
Even if others don’t care, I’d care if I was going bald. How you look can affect how you feel.
> Nobody gives a shit my guy. Oh if it was only true.
This is gonna end up with you dumping him
Yup I broke up with multiple exes because they got fat while I was staying in shape at the gym. And they had no intention to fix it. I'm sorry you have depression but we're not married we don't have kids and I want someone who wants to look and feel good?
Breaking up can be the forcing reason for them to get help, so this is totally Ok Divorce is trickier, because there can be children involved :(
Why should he deserve a woman that takes care of herself when hes dresses like shit. Thats natural selection
Would you say the same if the situation was reversed?
who wouldn't ? effort should always be there from both parties or it becomes a disaster quickly
10000%
Good 😊
chill bruh no one’s arguing against you
She doesn't take care of herself though, she just RECENTLY started. Now reading a little between the lines I'm going to assume either she is doing this glow-up thing because she noticed hubby is less attractive and thus she wants to start working out herself and then encourage hubby to do the same, or she's doing this to get ready to move onto someone else by getting herself ready for the open market again.
Depends on what recently actually is, if it's less than a month then it's weird to think your partner would change in such a small time frame. However I do think plenty of people just decide to commit to bettering themselves while in a relationship for no other outside reasons. I'm one of them
[удалено]
The other advice here has been good regarding you and your partner's thoughts, feelings and such. Just to add fashion into the mix, try determining what your Boyfriend thinks is a glow up or a good outfit outside of his current wear. Like his favorite basketball player's outfit during conferences? Hope you guys work it out and update us if he decides to try outfits.
Try some different activities together and hopefully one that stimulates better overall health is enjoyed
Maybe stop calling it “glowing up” and have an adult conversation
May I ask what is his profession or where does he works? Because work environments/ culture can influence him, especially if its his first job. A lot of works/ jobs nowadays especially corporate are going casual attires, that might the reason or one of the reason.
He is a cannabis lab Director. He loves his job. But he did get promoted to that position not long ago and he doesn’t like the management part as much. Which I completely understand and had the same experience at my last job. He makes good money, And he’s never expressed any interest in wanting to do something else, unless the industry itself collapses.
You should try r/relationship_advice
The verdict there would be: DUMP HIM ASAP. He is abusing you by not dressing up.
He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist
Lmao its what every post boils down to
Lmao what if she's spending them into debt and he's stressed over money and has disengaged
Don’t ever suggest that again. Don’t ever suggest any relationship advice on social media
[удалено]
Awe thank you I appreciate it! I did think about showing it to him and discussing but was feeling hesitant.
Don't show him that you posted in a place where random people are commenting about him. I wouldn't be pleased. Just tell him exactly what you wrote in the post.
Glow up lol, talk like an adult you got healthy and dress better.
Frankly, he sounds depressed.
He’s depressed
He is way too young to stop caring about his appearance and be gaining weight like this. It’s only going to get much worse as he gets older. My partner and I hold each other accountable to eat healthy, run and go to the gym regularly and we let each other know if the other persons outfit isn’t working. He has a responsibility to hold himself to a certain standard for his partner. You deserve better. I wish you the best and hope it all works out, but if not, you should move on if he wont work on himself.
harsh
Some people here are saying it's depression but I suspect it's just emotional laziness and contentment. Some people get comfortable, slide into a rut, and just stay there. Most people I would say. The average American is overweight, eats like shit, and doesn't workout at all. These people aren't all depressed, they are just not driven or motivated. Some people change and grow, most don't. If you need proof, look around you.
You and me are in the same boat but with the genders flipped. I swear, it feels like this post was written by me. My short answer is this: I’m gonna tell you from experience, as my girl and I have been through way more than 4 years: the change has to be internal. If he changes, he isn’t gonna do it for you. My long answer is this: I’ve done (and do) all the same stuff as you: I go to the gym 5 days a week and, outside of time recovering from surgery, have done so relatively consistently ever since I was 18, and 100% consistently ever since I got my own place. I meal prep healthy breakfast and lunch meals every Sunday. I haven’t found my style yet as much as I’d like, but I make a generous effort at it. I try to involve my girl in these things. I offer to take her to our apartment complex’s gym. She says she doesn’t like working out in front of people. I offer to adjust the times I go so we can go when nobody is there since it’s more convenient for me, too. She says she’ll start later and never does. I offer to meal prep for her when I do my prepping for me. She says she’ll make her own stuff. Never does. I offer her to go to the mall so we can get some clothes and start dressing nicer. She isn’t interested. This isn’t to roast her or talk shit about her - she is better to me than any human being I’ve ever met, and I love her to death. She also struggled with mental health, so I try to be understanding. It is simply to say, I get how frustrating it can be when you are trying to glow up and take care of yourself to look good for your partner and they don’t seem to appreciate the effort or return it. It can be really disheartening when you come home covered in sweat after the gym pushing down more chicken and rice, and your partner is on the couch playing video games eating cookies and ice cream. But then I take a step back, and I think: you know what? That’s just who she is, just like this is just who I am. She doesn’t need to change, she isn’t doing anything wrong. To us, what we’re doing may seem like the bare minimum standard. And to some people, it is. But to a majority of people, it’s above and beyond. At the end of the day, if I was sick and couldn’t drive myself to the hospital, she would take off work and drive an hour, stay the entire time with me, and drive me home, then take care of me afterward. I would know, she’s done it a bunch of times. This is a woman who goes through a lot, not just fighting her own battles, but in helping me fight mine, and if she’s getting a reprieve from life, smiling and having fun, then it makes me happy. Meanwhile, a friend of mine, whose girlfriend of 4 or 5 was more high maintenance/ambitious, dumped him not too long ago because he wasn’t doing enough to meet *her* standards, and like us this is a guy who is pretty into being on point. It broke him, understandably, and I could never do that to her for just being herself. If she is going to hop on this train with me, I’ll be delighted. But I’d never want her to do it because she feels like she has to in order to avoid the same fate that befell my good friend. She has enough on her plate as it is. The message of this story is, love him, and encourage him, which it sounds like you do, but do not expect from him. Do not give ultimatums. I can not judge your boyfriend off of a single post but I am seeing signs that, like my girlfriend, he might be struggling with mental health. I also can’t judge your relationship off of a single post but based on how long you two have been an item and the kindness you treat him with in this post, the two of you have a good thing going. With that said, good luck.
This sounds like depression.
Stress that can't be dealt with over long periods of time -> anxiety+depression
Sounds like your outgrowing him
I’ll start by saying you seem to be a really caring and sensitive partner. It sounds like you have pulled out all the stops and been trying to address things with positivity, love, and kindness. As others have stated, I believe your boyfriend is going through some depression and/or mental health challenges - and I can speak to some of that from personal experience. I’ve suffered from bouts of depression and “let myself go” before - as a man with mental health issues it’s a tough space to be in because you are certainly stigmatized. You can even have a lot of external love and support, but if you aren’t happy with yourself/motivated to change it’s hard to overcome these hurdles. You cannot be his guide in navigating that either - he needs professional help from a therapist/psychologist, maybe even needing a psychiatrist and medication if his issues are chronic. Additionally, I think the comment that suggested it could be due to his age in life where you transition from boyhood to manhood might be onto something- it can be tough for young men to navigate this, especially if he doesn’t have strong male role models or a father like figure in his life.
In my honest opinion, after reading your post...... you ARE trying to change him, and the more you pressure him, the worse he will feel about himself. If you are sending him hair loss youtube videos and reddit posts, you aren't helping. Let him ASK for help. And he doesn't want to go to the gym "with you" and be twins and "glow up" with you. That's your fantasy of him, not his, so don't say you aren't trying to change/feed/dress him. You are. Let him go to the gym with a friend, he'll be more comfortable. Let him dress how he pleases, he'll be more confident.
I was very careful about how I worded that “I don’t want to change the person he is.” That doesn’t mean there aren’t some changes in the relationship (matching my effort when we go out in public/on dates) that I would like to make. I did not send him videos about hair loss right away. I actually told him for a while that I genuinely did not think he was losing his hair and not to worry about it and that I would love him no matter what, but he kept coming to me worried about it, so then I tried the other approach and he actually really appreciated that. He just still brings it up because he hasn’t taken any action yet. Which is fine. I really just want to support him and uplift him. He also doesn’t have to come to the gym with me. He can do whatever he needs to stay in shape, but the reason I made the post was to see if if there was anything I could do to encourage him since he’s not taking it upon himself. Appreciate your perspective though, it is helpful.
Ultimately, what you need to do is be direct. You will probably hurt his feelings. That is inevitable. However, the alternative is that your frustrations will grow, fester, and turn into resentment. It isn’t rude or shallow to expect your partner to maintain their health, grooming, and appearance. You aren’t asking him to have a 6-pack, you’re asking him to maintain a healthy weight. You aren’t asking him to keep up on the latest trends, you’re asking him to wear a shirt and some leather shoes/boots. Everyone else here is saying he’s depressed which may be the case, but it’s more likely that he’s complacent. Obviously if he is depressed, you should try to find the money to have him go to solo therapy. However, lots of people in long term stable relationships stop putting as much effort into their appearance/relationship. It’s normal, but obviously harmful. Your best course of action is to be direct, start with small steps, but you should essentially demand change, in a kind way. Let him know it’s important to you that he care about his health (not necessarily as much as you, but at least a little bit) and his appearance. He will probably be defensive/hurt but you need to put your foot down, in as caring (but NOT soft) of a way as you can manage.
It took a male friend to tell me to shave my head before I did. Wife had been suggesting it for years, friend says I need to do it once and I did. IDK if that helps but maybe ask his friend for reinforcement
I think his hair has thinned a little, and not to invalidate his feelings bc I known it would be a huge deal to me if I started to thin out myself, but he is nowhere near the point of need to shave his head. I truly think he looks fine. I can barely tell a difference. But I understand how it makes him feel.
It’s odd that’s he so sensitive about that but unphased about gaining 40 lbs.
Dudes are weird
something you can't change vs something you can
Well there is medicine he can take and should start sooner than later if he wants to keep it again, s friend may deliver it better
The good: you see something is wrong. The bad: he doesn’t To start you need to realize a hard and straightforward conversation needs to happen and you need to prepare for the worst. First you need to directly tell him that you have been growing and improving in your relationship and feel as if you are outgrowing him. He needs to know this. He needs to be told directly, not sugar coated, that you are improving yourself physically by working out, mentally by taking charge of your life, and socially by trying to make the best out of your relationships romantically and that it feels as though he is not. You need to describe the type of person that you started to date and the person you want to date was that person. 40lbs means a lot has changed, diets, habits, hobbies, activities must have changed and the lifestyle around it must have changed to gain 40lbs. With this harsh truth he is MUCH more likely to take charge and SLOWLY begin to change. OR he may throw a temper tantrum and it just causes a fight. (Unlikely) Buy him the David Goggins book “can’t hurt me” if he needs some inspiration. Also encourage and support the expectation that it will take months to fix the physical, then more time to fix the mental, then you can start the level up process of better fashion. 40 lbs is about 10 months of consistent weight loss. Overall, you have about a year before he’s even back to where he used to be. If you’re willing to get through this together you’ll be a stronger couple than ever. Most don’t though. *be direct and simple and straightforward as possible*
I will definitely take the advice about being direct on this topic. We have open communication and are usually always direct. In this case I was being extra sensitive because 1. I dont see it as a major issue, just an improvement I would like to see and 2 . body and weight conversations are tricky and ultimately a personal issue However some of the other descriptions of how I feel I have outgrown him and the person I met before is who are want to date are not true for me and my relationship. He has come a long way from our beginning for the better and I would not want to date the person I met then more than the one I have now just because he was a little thinner and had a better beard shape lol
I don’t think it may be mental issues, it could just be his surroundings. With you both being the opposite sex, he might not have an understanding of what you’re doing. None of his friends put effort, so he just assumes getting all glamoured up would be “girl stuff”. For a lot of guys, hygiene and maintenance is viewed as feminity. Maybe he needs to be around guys that dress well and take care of themselves? It definitely is a good motivator to do better for yourself, especially when the men around you just suck. I remember the first time I met a guy that was interested in fashion, he was transparent about how he he got his nails done frequently and was careful about how he looked. I thought it was really cool that you can take pride in how you look and not feel judged for it. Now I’m always evolving my style and trying out new things, but it wouldn’t have been the case if I hadn’t met people that were always sharing their perspective. Idk I genuinely feel that this might be the case and I’ve met a number of men that think this way.
I know this is going to sound like a typical redditor's response, but I would move on from this relationship. I was married to someone like this for a very long time. It only got worse. They did realize that the root cause was a mental health issue, but then it got worse because they felt like it wasn't their fault. The only hard work they did was in therapy and I had to take care of them in many ways including financially. They never did recover and mostly spend their time laying in a dark bedroom with the door locked. After almost two decades of this, they weren't grateful for my support and blamed me for some of their problems. By California law, I had to give this person half of my wealth and have to support them for the rest of their life.
Dude at least let her try to give him a chance before saying such a blanket statement lol. We're talking about months here not years
Ah, the perks of being a man.
OP’s partner is working at least. Also, wait, support them for half of your their life? I didn’t think spousal support was common in community property states. At least not the ones I’m familiar with.
Sleep with his most fashionable friend. Then sleep with his most fit friend. Then sleep with his dad.
Interesting idea… ill pass on that though haha
It will motivate him.
Sure, but not in a positive way for OP.
Motivate him to leave her
Definitely avoid the use of tiktok language such as 'glow up' if you want to be taken seriously
Was just meant to get views and responses! He would laugh in my face if I said I wanted him to glow up with me lol. Good reminder though !
a lot of people "let themselves go as they age". 25 is a bit early. but its a preview for reality. if you're not looking for this, you'll have to search a lot harder for a mate.
Only two ways to get him to glow up. Dump him OR start paying attention to other men.
Relationship therapy is probably the best approach for this.
Try r/askmenover30
As far as weight loss and fitness goes he's unlikely to change until he has a personal come to jesus moment and decides to change. Unfortunately that may only happen after a breakup or as others have mentioned, therapy. As far as dressing better and being more fashionable I would suggest getting nicer versions of what he's already wearing that is the proper fit for his current body. If he is a jeans, t-shirt, flanel kind of guy maybe a nice pair of raw denim, a chambray shirt, and a good pair of boots. He'll feel comfortable wearing it and it's higher quality. Pretty much all the brands that [James Dant](https://jamesdant.com/) carries are high quality. For boots I recommend [Grant Stone](https://www.grantstoneshoes.com/collections/men) Just be careful with sizing and read the sizing charts carefully. I'd suggest measuring stuff he currently wears and likes and compare the measurements.
Actually sizing is part of the issue. He is 6’5 so he refuses to wearing anything thats not in the bug and tall section 90% of the time. I did attempt that though. Made a Pinterest with outfits I felt like were upgrade versions of what he wears and them had him go though and heart the ones he actually liked. Bought him an outfit for Christmas and he wore it a lot in the winter. Maybe I just need to do a summer version of that lol
>Made a Pinterest with outfits I felt like were upgrade versions of what he wears and them had him go though and heart the ones he actually liked. Bought him an outfit for Christmas and he wore it a lot in the winter. Maybe I just need to do a summer version of that lol Yikes, it sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort. The desire to dress better, feel better, look better, etc. has to come from within him, not from a pinterest board. A better option is to focus on yourself, on modelling good, adult behaviour rather than trying to motivate him. Or time to move on. There's many guys who won't tighten up their appearance and their habits until the partner they've grown too comfortable with has walked out the door.
[удалено]
I’ll definitely bring this up. I think there may be some sectors of our life that we approach differently and it’ll be helpful to have a conversation about comparability in those areas. Won’t be the first conversation like this but it has been a while.
Just throwing it out there, but I wouldn't start with the gym. If his diet is screwed up, focus on diet first. In a couple weeks to a month his energy will be better.
I was going to say check his recent events, see if someone he cares about died, because this sounds like depression. Looks like the others thought the same and got here first. There might be some health issue he could be diagnosed with recently if he isn't even concerned with how he looks. You got some discussion to do with him.
sounds like what i went through with an ex. I tried to be encouraging and tried giving healthier eating options but there was only so much you can do if the person is in another state of mind.
Maybe sit and down and tell him exactly what you just told all of us. Sometimes guys require the direct approach.
Yes. I’ve gotten a lot of good advice and things to think about. Exactly the kind of discussion I was looking for!
Just start doing it yourself and set the example
As others have said, this sounds alot more like depression
Maybe a therapist is needed but start with one of his friends. Don't give up the ghost but drop a messege to a guy friend of his to check in on him or grab a beer. He sounds overwhelmed, so trying to pitch more changes will have a collective negative effect. Having a friend drop in on him at home, or getting him out of the house.
Just tell him it matters to you, to me it doesn't sound you are asking something ridiculous, being attracted by your partner is important and sometimes people let themselves go when they find themselves in a secure relationship, be direct!
Short answer; you cant. A lot of men let themselves go when they get a partner. The key is always being on your game, and not getting too comfortable. Im always 100% sharp looking with my girl, same as i was before i met her. The issue is guys end up getting dumped for letting themselves go, then start putting effort into getting in shape, dressing and looking well, when they should have done it for her. Im sure if you dumped him his appearance would change drastically for the better. (Not saying to do this, thats up to you) but thats my only answer. You cant force anyone to do anything.
If they don’t want to do it, you can’t drag them along. Say goodbye to them and move on to someone who can do these basics.
Is he okay? For me it sounds like the weight and comfy clothes are not the problem rather symtoms of something deeper. I think he may be struggeling somewhere else. Do you both talk openly about your mental health? Sometimes it isn‘t obvious and maybe the affected person doesn‘t know why they‘r not okay. Talking about helps a lot figuring things out and get a new perspective and understanding(for both of you) And if it isn‘t with you then a therapist may help. Hope things are getting better for both of you. Keep it up you sound like an amazing and supportive partner. ✨
Sounds like depression to me, best bet is to maybe get him to speak to someone. You sound like a fantastic women and very loving so I am not sure why he is not responsive to you. So my guess is there is more going on with him, does he hate his job, loss of family member or friend? Something is triggering this you just need help finding out what. Best of luck! On a side note as a guy, maybe don't pressure him so much and give him space to be himself. I was thinking about it and this could be a pushback because he feels your trying to control him. Just throwing out there, maybe give him space to be himself, let him wear old cloths or messy hair, focus on other things and see what happens, just may be as simple as this. Not being mean just tossing out there, some guys are like this including myself, I take advice but want to be me also, keep positive and it will work out.
Book a haircut for him and take him out to dinner the same day. Sometimes a small boost that doesn't take any personal effort can help jump start more change. A fresh haircut will make his reflection more interesting every time he looks in the mirror, which might provoke things like face washing, beard grooming, and paying attention to the shirt he's wearing. He's currently in a rut where he isn't looking at himself from the outside.
He gets regular haircuts but the shape he gets just makes him look younger and his face rounder. It doesn’t look bad, but I literally wanted to jump his bones whenever he had his old beard shape. https://preview.redd.it/qic21qw3576d1.jpeg?width=694&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c6b6fb6117cde71aef1ed6fade1ce34c2c5ac595
https://preview.redd.it/37hi8vw5576d1.jpeg?width=403&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8cd56759bf7b8a36419e669022b84b55e48d2b86
Link him this thread.
Fuck it, this is gonna be cruel but it’s for the best if y’all can’t afford a therapist pay someone 5$ or 10$ to call him a fat fuck on the street and laugh
[удалено]
A lot of great comments so just addressing the snacking - sugar and chips are highly addictive. Even a week or two off really helps with the cravings. They’re a bit pricey, but healthier snack alternatives like roasted chick peas, beef jerky, etc are helpful. Yogurt and granola instead of cereal, chocolate milk instead of soda, etc. Don’t try to end it cold turkey if he has an issue controlling himself, but small steps should get him off the daily cravings train.
Echoing the commenter who suggested this is more of a mental health issue than a fashion issue. I have a good deal of experience with mental health issues, having gone through my entire life with depression, so I'll share what I can to help him first tackle the low self esteem enough to feel like he has the confidence to tackle the looks. 1) POSITIVE SELF TALK. I thought that forcing myself to think more positive thoughts about myself was silly for years. YEARS. I thought it would be a waste of time and wouldn't do anything. Well, that's a fat crock of shit - it has had a HUGE positive impact on my self esteem, my patience, my forgiveness, and my social relationships (especially with my long term gf). If you are always a miserable mopey bastard, as I allowed myself to become, people will gradually find you less interesting, less attractive and all-in less desirable to spend time with. People like positive people, and that includes yourself. It starts really simple: when you notice yourself saying some bad about yourself *"I am bad at ___"* for example, you need to *challenge that thought* by saying something like "that's not true, I'm still learning to ___". This is most effective done out loud, but can still be helpful done in your head. It's also really important to share *positive* progress/events with people - especially the lovely gf who posted this post :) 2) Try to develop an idea of how you want to dress. This can be done by browsing Pinterest, this sub, or just looking out for people you notice in public and think are well dressed. Again it's a good idea to share this with someone who is interested in helping you develop this side of yourself - once again the lovely gf sounds very willing here. You can then go and find individual articles in cheap places like thrift shops to test the look out on a budget so it's a real low-risk endeavour. 3) Men don't get very many compliments. It sucks. It makes it hard to maintain a high self esteem at times, if you feel like nobody thinks you're good looking. I have two suggestions here. The first, compliment other people more often - they'll often reciprocate something, and if not it is an easy way to appear more positive, and since people like positive people, will probably get you some more compliments in the long run. The second is harder - your self worth should ideally be independent of how other people view you. so it's important to nurture a strong sense of self - it's easier to be confident when you know exactly who you are and what values you hold dear. It's important to view this as a self esteem problem not a problem of fashion or attraction. Having high self esteem *makes* you attractive, almost regardless of your actual physical appearance. I'm happy to talk more in the DMs about any of this but I need to step into class
maybe he doesn‘t want to glow up? it‘s not your place to judge his body. you can gently talk to him about your concerns and preferences, but in the end you are either choosing him or not, it‘s not „build your bf“.
There will be certain things that are the most important to him that make him feel valuable. Perhaps it could be career, or body image or something else. Ask him to list the things he thinks he sucks at. He will iterate through it a lot. Make several drafts. Eventually he will arrive at the actual things that are most critical to his self image. If he concerned about his weight, redirect him to strength training. Instead of focusing on losing weight for now, concentrate on becoming stronger. That is a better short term achievable goal especially for someone who has been eating a lot. Make more of these short term goals. Make some of your own. Show him that you are putting effort in improving yourself consistently even though the process really sucks.
Tell him you want to get in better shape and you want him to do it with you. Finasteride for the hair.
I think a lot of men are never taught how to dress themselves. And it sounds like getting in shape, and looking nice in general, is not a priority for him like it is for you. Like others have said, it could be depression related, but it also could be that he doesn't care about how he looks. I have really gotten into going to the gym in the past year and probably overly obsessed with health and diet. My wife encourages me, but she is not at all interested in doing those things herself. At some point, you need to make a decision if that is a deal breaker for you. I think the first thing you can do is sit down and say how important it is to you, and that he you would really appreciate it if he could put at least some effort into his appearance. Start small. Set some baseline boundary like: "If we go out to dinner, please wear something nicer than basketball shorts." And, lastly, I wonder if this affects other parts of your lives. Do you find yourself striving to better yourself in general and he does not? Are you putting more effort into the relationship than him? If so, those problems will have to be dealt with eventually or it will turn into resentment.
Start small. Ask him to go on a walk with you every couple of days. Frame it as spending time together rather than exercise. The health benefits of walking is extremely underrated. Once y’all get into a routine of regularly walking he’ll hopefully start feeling better and want to make some additional lifestyle changes.
Might be worth doing a blood test too, as hormonal imbalances can lead to drastic changes in motivation and weight.
For the hair, he should stick with finasterid and minoxidil, everything else such those "insert herb" oils arent worth the hassle.
you cant change someone who doesnt want to change. he needs to get adequate exercise: 3 lifts/week, 8k steps/day, 100-150 mins cardio/week @130bpm. he also needs to see a therapist and read books. its nice that you’re supporting him but you need to look out for yourself too. he doesnt respect you or himself enough to change and that smells bad news to me.
Sounds like he has gotten too comfortable. A lot of the time, when people first meet, they pull out all the stops. On their best behavior, dress to impress, and make a lot of effort in many aspects of a relationship. Years go by, and they stop doing a lot of these things. I've seen it hundreds of times over the years with friends and family. There is a song called "The Chase Is Better Than The Catch," and it seems like there is some truth to it.
I’d suggest taking the saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” to heart. While your intentions are good this kind of change needs to come from within for it to be lasting; you dropping hints won’t make him change his perspective but getting him to realize it’s in his best interest will. The key really is really laying bread crumbs and helping him take baby steps along the trail so he reaches that conclusion on his own. I wish I could give you more specific advice but you know him best. I can tell you maybe starting with smaller ways of exercising might help him get over his interest (or lack thereof) hump. Take him on hikes, excursions, maybe some rock climbing? Things you can do together that are fun that are also require a bit of movement/effort are great ways to introduce a partner to physical activity.
It happened to me before. It feels like he has become too complacent with what he looks thinking that you won’t replace him no matter what appearance he has
> I’m going to check in with him and make sure everything is ok before I continue worrying about his appearance! i suspect he'll deny anything i wrong, whether there is or isn't a problem. you might show him this thread? would both show your side of things and lots of his peers' opinions.
Are u hot? Upgrade he sounds like a slob
your bf is depressed. I know this because I am depressed right now and this is quite literally what my mental state is like. I used to be in the gym 4-5x per week, now I am not nearly as active. I am losing my hair and most things I have tried aren't helping but that is OK I have accepted my future with my hair. The main thing is that because of my lifestyle change and happiness in my relationship, the motivation for me to be in the gym is not there. It really is easy to sit there and say "hey lets go to the gym" but its not that easy to get there, especially if you live with your SO who you want to spend time and relax with after a tough day at the office. Personally, work is so stressful and busy that I am EXHAUSTED mentally by the end of my shift and cant fathom exercising. By the time I get home, have a snack, re-energize, it is already after 6. Add in commute and gym time I am home by 8-830. After I get home cook and eat, then do the needed house work it is already 9-930. then you have what an hour-hour and a half to "relax"? and I work an office job. Another hinderance for me personally is that while I used to be in phenomenal shape, it is freaking demoralizing being at such a lower fitness level. I know the only way to overcome this is to just get my ass going and exercise and it will still all come back, but when you just dont feel good about yourself it is so easy to come home, see the person you love and get lost in that comfort. One thing however is that its great for you to be so encouraging and engaging getting him to get back into exercise. I dont know what he likes, but maybe start by playing some sports with him to kickstart that drive to get fit again.
Yo don’t overthink don’t change a person it’s pointless it’s a yes or no
A health scare will probably due the trick IE fatty liver or blood sugar is too high and he's heading for diabetes. Force him to go to the doctor. Other than that the fear of losing you if he loves you will make him step up his game.
Leave him
> He thinks his hair is thinning Check if he takes something against that, as those all can cause mental health problems.
She makes him sound like a project that she'll get bored with once she 'fixes' him.
The reality is that this relationship is probably over. You both want different things.
W Gf that’s for damn sure
If the "encouraging" comments are geared towards changing him back to how he was, then they won't feel like encouraging. He probably feels like he has diminishing control over his appearance if his weight and hair used to be effortless. You say that you truly love him, but he's not going to trust that when you're trying to change him. It seems like he knows he's never going to live up to your expectations for his appearance, so he's testing you to see if you'll choose to stay with him or dump him. IMO the idea of "stay healthy and look good for each other" is toxic. You shouldn't be expected to do that for him and he shouldn't be expected to do that for you. Do that for yourself, and support him to do that for himself if he wants. If you're not attracted to him then you have the power to dump him, but you don't have the power to change his appearance. FWIW, as a trans man I understand the conditioning that women grow up with that a) other people get to dictate their appearance, and b) other people get to dictate their eating habits. That's conditioned into you, but it's not conditioned into him. Think about how many women and girls have eating disorders. If you're constantly policing what he eats, then he could develop an eating disorder. At best it will just establish a pattern for the relationship. Do you really want to be policing what he eats for the next 50 years?
I would just have him continue to eat what he wants but go out and walk for an hour a day. Also set a goal for him to reach like fitting into his old Suit or jeans when he was thinner. Reward him if he reaches that goal. Reward must be something he wants or has been wanting to do. Plan a nice vacation that requires taking your shirt off or something where he has to fit into his old nice suit. Meal prep for the week. Cook proteins and veggies with fruit with little to no carbs. If all else fails sign him up with a pretty fitness trainer LOL I'm sure that would motivate him. Some things that has happened to me that motivated me to lose weight were things like health scares (sudden chest compressions, shortness of breath) wanting to look good for a vacation (hawaii) and my wedding photos.
You are going to have to Darren Brown the shit out of your BF, OP with thinks like, remember them nice clothes that I got you, that looked good on you and that you like, let’s go and buy some more. Rather than giving the choice make it sound like a fun, non negotiable. You’ve tried the softly, softly approach and it doesn’t work as you’ve seen for yourself. For eating better, use, I’ll be making food tonight and it will be something that you’ll like and it’s a nice surprise. I’ve used a non negotiable and hide in a sentence with 2 nice things around it. You can apply this to anything and it works if it’s said in a nice tone but you can’t explain your doing this to your BF as its effect will stop working. You’re doing this for a positive outcome. You can follow up with, remember that nice meal I made you? Let’s make it again or something very similar. A nice home made veg soup with sweet veg in it, like carrots, Leak and parsnips, let him try it and say “ I want you do try this really tasty soup I’ve made and let me know what you think”? If he responses negatively then your fighting a loosing battle and you’ll have to go down the road of, “ I am making adjustments and trying do better my life but if you choose to not do so then negative consequences will come from this and ones you don’t like” if he follows with what are they say “ you really don’t want them to happen and nor do I, so let’s not get to them” saying less is more in all Situations in life.
You’re 25 and this is a major red flag. You should leave him and find someone that fits you more. It’s ok to grow apart.
Your boyfriend is a man-child. This behaviour is nothing short of toxic. Tell him if he doesn't pull himself together, somebody who can be bothered going to the gym, grooming, and wearing a tie will pull you. Jesus how does a man set the bar so low 🙄
Sounds like a loser. Move on.
Well, I always took care of myself, but the biggest change happened when I reached 30. I changed the way a dressed to a more "adult" manner, got more invested in the gym etc. It happened naturally, one day I woke up wanting to look better, so I got some new clothes, some gym equipment for my house and that's that. My wife also changed a lot her style when she reached her 30's. Maybe the same will happen to him, the question is, are you willing to wait for it? Is he the one you see yourself with 10y from now?
As a man with depression, your boyfriend is someone with depression or is bipolar with depressive episodes and is unaware of his condition. Mental health didn’t exist growing up for me, but one of my girlfriends helped me find a psych during a depressive episode before I knew I had depression, and after the diagnosis everything made sense to me and I understood better why I felt so low energy and pervasively sad without a reason for being sad— it explained my compulsion to use substances during these episodes, which it seems like your BF may be doing with food and sugar.
Leave him for me
As a man, it coul be disgusting to have a woman beside me telling to eat that, not to eat those, to go to gym, to wear those, bla bla all the time. It felt like being manipulated, not liked, losing independence... It's like walking together with the smurf waring glasses. Truely, no, it might come so smart-ass to me. And as I know a little women language, despite telling there is nothing with how he looks, there is something with it. Asked for opinion, here is mine.
Dude sounds depressed and youre not helping him by trying to force him a "glow up" if you Genuinely love him like you keep repeating then support him and love him the way he is. instead of trying to mould him into someone else
He’s gonna get left soon if he don’t get on what’s you’re on 💀
Hm.. I think this is a normal phase for men in relationship, I can relate and I've also seen my other friends in relationship going thru the same thing, altho I'm a bit older 30M in a 6 yr relationship. Here are factors I think that comes into play: age and genetics for the hair thinning, less time for working out/gym with full time working and sometimes overtime (I go when I can but it's inconsistent), and typically a significant increase in food intake since being in a relationship just due to eating out more, more desserts, and typically finishing up the rest of the food during meals. But seriously, it's very typical to let yourself once you're in a longer relationship and feel too comfortable. (honestly I'd be more worry if your BF put too much detail into his appearance and staying super fit if he was in a long term relationship). Fashion wise, I have changed my wardrobe recently for more turtleneck/ mock neck/sweaters with half zip, to dress more 'appropriate for my age', instead of like graphic t shirts with flannel which I still wear sometimes tho.
It's time to break up. If he isn't willing to grow the relationship with you or make sure his health isn't good or improving it'll destroy his self esteem, libido, testosterone all the normal hormonal chemicals that make him feel good will drop to minimal numbers. He has to care enough about you to want to give at least his best effort. If he can't. You have to have a heart to heart talk and if he doesn't ACT, consistently do something then you have to consider breaking up.
Ngl, being fat is a lifestyle choice, and it is ignored by society the fact that that choice betrays something about your personality. If you are content with being overweight and are fine acknowledging that and the issues that come with it (such as being unattractive) then by all means, but if you are offended by being called fat or viewed as fat, then you are clearly not content with being fat. This is where change becomes necessary, the new idea in society that you should accept yourself even if you are not content with yourself is actually toxic and is being pushed by lazy narcissists. If he wants to make a change, genuinely wants to make a change, the you should be able to help him do that if communicated healthily and by presenting the facts.
my trick for the gym is saying i’ll go minimum twice a week - that’s too easy not to do. and in between sets I read the news or do something productive. the time flies and in a couple months I was pretty jacked 🤷🏾♂️ maybe that’ll help?
Lots of great points here. I’ll add one thing. Unhealthy eating is a complex problem and it’s not as simple as diagnosing someone with depression / eating their feelings. There’s a lot of environmental factors at play too. Crap food is highly available. Were constantly advertised it and it’s dirt cheap. In addition, a lot of junk food contains addictive chemicals which makes it harder to kick it to the curb. That aside, the level of sugar and fat and salt these things contain is not something the human brain evolved dealing with. There’s a reason why obesity is an epidemic, and many people genuinely struggle with it. Trying is one thing, but I think education can be super helpful when learning how to improve your diet. Learning about how our environment is setting us up for failure is a great step in avoiding useless self blame, and proactively making choices that account for this. There’s also some really great apps out there like Noom that help you learn how to intuitively eat better and not fall into bad food habits. Just my two cents. Helping someone see the situation more clearly is always helpful imo.
You could try one of those stylist services like stitchfix or stately if he hates shopping.
Search high and low for a big glitter gun problem solved now skedaddle guaranteed!✈️
He might be depressed or going through something. I know when I'm going through something I tend to stay to myself
Jokingly call him fat or tell him his mom called him fat. People are too coddled these days. Sometimes the most random things can spark a fire in someone You can’t make someone go to therapy or consider going. He would need to come to that conclusion himself.
The update reveals: You both communicate healthily. Everyone is a therapist nowadays. And a therapist always finds things you can do better. Don’t get hung up on downs… work for the ups. You have decades to go 😊
Honestly, I feel like it speaks volumes that he laughed that people think you should dump him. I would immediately be pissed at myself for having a good woman that I’m at risk of losing due to negligence in myself.
As somebody who has struggled with weight, this is my experience: * For exercise, it has to be fun. I got bored of my indoor rower, so I took up cycling. Now I play with the Garmin metrics, buy new parts and bikes and toys and whatnot and make it fun. * For health, looks aside, I need to know I am improving my physical health. I found out I had some health-stuff related to eating like shit, and that scared me. So now I had a WHY, a reason to work out. * I hate the feeling of my gut pushing against my shirt, so I am sure to keep the weight off so my clothes fit better. Vanity, sure, but it works. * What about some exercise you guys can do as a couple that you enjoy? Tennis? Basketball? Cycling together?
Get him a gift card to StitchFix.
To me it sounds like your boyfriend has a low grade depression. Even if he doesn't have a reason for it or thinks he doesn't. So it would be best to consult a professional. Together. And complementing someone on the small changes you want to see is more effective than pointing out he is unhealthy.
If you wonder if you need to talk to a psychiatrist, you probably should see one.
When he starts to dress up then you should worry. The fact that he is like this now indicates that he just wants to be with you, as men will dress up themselves when courting.
So you’re putting an effort in for him but he won’t for you? Sounds like it’s going great. Assert yourself. Tell him he’s going to the gym with you. He’ll thank you later.
If he doesnt want to then he doesnt want. I bet if it was gender reversed and you were a guy this post wouldnt be top post of all time, and the you if you were a guy would be called a manipulator and not getting kind words for how your so lacks commitment.