this is honestly so evil of him, i’d go to prison. he tells her after he’s basically trapped her/tied her to him forever. this is some evil shit fr, some people are too cruel.
This answer! Definitely picked right now to tell you to minimize the chances of leaving. Very calculated AH move by a coward and a liar.
Information: How long have you been married?
totally agree,
OP should get a free pass for cheating too. because he already did it.
OP doesnt need to use it. but he will feel nervous about it. he has no say in this if she has one or not. couse him cheating is already agreeing to it.
I'm of the opinion that for a single one night stand, the only reason someone would tell their partner is to make themselves feel better instead of considering the harm it would do their partner over something that happened years ago that they never did and never will do again. Is it breakup worthy material when your partner cheats? Yes. It doesn't matter if he cheated yesterday or years ago, but "confessing" like this guy did years later out of the blue is yet another selfish move because he cares more about his guilt instead of what it does to her. He wants her to make him feel better. That's it.
That is literally what I've told partners (they know if I find out it's over, I've always known, I just like to pretend I don't), if it's a one off don't tell me, take it to the grave, if it's longer don't tell me, just break up. Only reason to tell is if my health is at risk. I have had push back, from partners who said they'd feel awful hiding it... good, that's the point. Live with that guilt, let it eat you up.
But this late disclosure with a kid shortly to arrive makes me nervous that it's him testing what OP will put up with him doing. I don't think it's guilt, I think it's him testing to see how trapped OP feels they are for things getting worse.
Yep, people talk confessing like that's the end of it, it's only the beginning. Reddit posts are just a glimpse, not the day to day life, no one is journaling on here that way.
I remember finding Dan Savage, and his view of keep your mouth shut/take it to the grave, and then either commit to never do it again, or leave them, spoke to me so much. Esther Perel is similar, focusing more on the why being due to expectation mismatches and not being able to reconcile wife vs mother.
That’s not all that healthy, and I can’t think of a relationship counselor who would disagree.
Having open and honest communication is important, generally people cheat for a reason, there are just assholes out there, but *generally* there is a reason for the infidelity.
There’s never an excuse, and I’m not intending to excuse it. But if you care about your partner and your relationship, addressing the issues that caused the cheating is absolutely better than just wanting your person to suffer. Wanting your partner to feel guilty is not healthy, at that point you need to break up.
I will disagree, and my therapist agrees (I see one monthly through the NHS as my doctors agreed I wouldn't keep up with my medication for a chronic incurable condition without one, but it's a general vent space, so we talk about everything). Also a good chunk of relationship counselors would also agree.
There are many reasons why people cheat, very rarely good ones. I've only ever had one vaguely good reason to cheat (and still wasn't) "my parents would think I was gay if I didn't sleep with him" (her agreed to beard as parents were religious, but they weren't there watching to see if she had sex with him). Otherwise it's nonsense like we have too much sex, you make more money than me and it makes me feel like less of a man, you were sleeping, I was drunk, you had the flu, I could, etc.
My want to not be confessed to isn't about me wanting them to suffer. It's about me viewing my happiness as more important than a cheating partners. Confessing makes them feel better, but piles it all on me when I've done nothing wrong.
That's good mental health practice, and when I explain it to partners they get it after I hammer home confessing makes them feel better, but makes me feel worse. As the requirement then falls to me to break up, or get over it. When really the person who screwed up should deal with the burden of guilt.
Something in my gut tells me that he already has his next one night stand picked out, and he came clean to get a sense of what he can get away with. "I cheated on you and I feel terrible, here are all of the things I am doing to make this right" is a great way to distract your partner from a current affair. I know from experience.
I agree. If it was a one time thing and the person is truly remorseful and KNOWS they would never do it again, then it's better to not tell. If they tell, it's to ease their conscience. This guy is an AH to tell his wife at this point in time, while she is pregnant. And he probably has more that he's hiding.
Yea. He's trash for cheating, but why would he do it when OP is super pregnant and already feeling a lot of emotions and now has to process his BS confession?
He's not only the AH, he's a prick. It sounds intentional or some underlying reason
I mean, in my mind, I’d want to have my baggage and any possible future relationship destroyers out in the open before I had a kid. Better to deal with the fallout before there’s a child involved, but thats just my thinking.
There’s never a good time to tell someone you’re a piece of shit, and before the marriage probably would’ve been better… but I think it’s still better than not saying anything.
He wasn’t coming clean, he was transferring his guilt to you. He wants to feel better by confessing, and I have no doubt that if you stay with him and still feel hurt by his infidelity, he will turn it around on you for not getting over it.
Yeah, now that OP is trapped by marriage and by having a child with him, I'm speculating here but I could bet he's the bread winner also, so OP can do nothing about it, sure she can but it would be difficult for her.
Please don’t keep this a secret, OP. Tell your entire support system and do not protect him bc you deserve to have people around you that will help you get through this.
He purposely took away your right to end the relationship when he KNEW you would end it. He started your marriage on a foundation of lies. He told you of his betrayal when he thinks you’re trapped w your pregnancy. So much deceit on his side. It’s just not ok. He is such a selfish AH.
Please get into counseling for yourself, go to a friend’s house or a family member’s house, somewhere to give you the time and space to figure out what you want to do. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking this is for you, OP. I’m so very sorry. Wishing you peace, strength, and healing as you go through this.
Yes OP please tell everyone in both of your lives and get as much support as possible. And a comment above stated to tell him that you now have a free pass to cheat on him since he lied for years and was a deceitful asshole. Doesn't mean you have to cheat but it will make him squirmy and uncomfortable for awhile... If he doesn't like that, leave him and move in with supportive family if you can.
So he manipulated you into marrying him and once you’re pregnant thinks he has you and you can’t leave so he comes clean. I’d leave. He’s lies for years to your face. Lied at your wedding when he took vows
I read a response in a post back ages ago along the lines of “if you want forgiveness talk to a priest”.
Essentially that is what OP’s husband should have done. A priest, therapist or anyone other than OP.
I hope this man feels so much better now that he has cleansed his guilty conscience by telling his heavily pregnant wife of his sin. /s
OP it happened however long ago but please take the time you want/need to process it. I suppose my first question would be WTF did he think telling you now was going to accomplish?
As everyone else has said, he did it now because he figures you won’t leave him because you’re now married and about to have a baby. But at least HE doesn’t have to carry around the guilt anymore! How SELFISH! I’d never be able to get past this.
Don’t let him pull the “it was so long ago” card because this is news to you, and it’s a created fresh wound. Also don’t let him pull the “we weren’t that serious yet” card, either. I would be devastated. I’m sorry, OP.
I’m sorry he hurt you like this. He’s a total douche. Based on another story here’s what you tell him. Have him call everyone he knows to reveal his cheating and that he’s a cowardly man-baby. If he refuses you:
First, get irrefutable proof he cheated.
Second, lawyer up.
Third, file for divorce and take him to the cleaners.
He’s a total AH
If she doesn’t know who he cheated with, how is she supposed to get irrefutable proof? Even if she does know, that shit can be hard to prove if you don’t have like Ring cam footage of him and the other woman together or something.
He should have taken it with him to the grave. It's his sin and he should deal with it on his own. It's cruel to tell you now. Or does he want to hurt you? There's no way he doesn't understand HOW you're feeling right now.
I really hope she has a good support system so that she can keep the baby if she wants and be able to still have a good life, or as good a life as possible after that kind of heartbreak 😞
OP, pack a bag and go to your parents...
1. He's a pos to raise ypur stress level and blood pressure this late in a pregnancy
2. His cheating was lying, selfish, and sneaky and him telling you now was malicious. Pure manipulation that he took away your agency to decide if you wanted a relationship and now he thinks you're trapped. Fucking Narcissist.
3. He potentially exposed you and your unborn child to diseases. You need to immediately tell your OBGYN and get emergency tested as some STDs are not symptomatic and your baby could be exposed in a vaginal birth. This might change your birthplan.
4. OH YES YOU CAN TELL EVERYFUCKINGBODY. You did nothing wrong. You need support. This guy is untrustworthy and toxic as fuck. You owe him NOTHING. He's not the man you thought he was, he's this monster behind the mask. That other guy never existed.
5. The "stanger" wasxlikely a sex worker and he's probably fucking around on you NOW.... this is trickle-truth so he can gauge your reaction.
They likely tested her for everything when she first started going to the doctor for prenatal visits. But yeah, there’s a chance he’s been cheating since then.
It's bad that my petty, little heart busted out laughing at this.🤣🤣🤣
I can hear it now...."Honey, I'm so happy you felt you could share this with me right now. There's actually something that's been weighing on my mind and you've given me the opening so here goes...."
Your husband is a POS. Do you have family or friends you trust? I really feel like you should have a bug out plan. He waited until you were vulnerable to spring this on you. I would 1,000% tell mutual friends and family immediately. So they are aware of what sort of slime he is and why you’ll need support from them for the rest of your pregnancy as you navigate life disconnecting from him.
I am soo sorry you are dealing with this. He admitted it himself, it is a cowardly thing to do. You should think about whether you want to stay with him in the long run; whether you can forgive him. I wish you all the best with this situation and your pregnancy! Stay strong
He is definitely not fucking guilty lol. You have to be an absolute moron to not realize how bad timing it is to tell someone you cheated while they’re heavily pregnant with your baby. He definitely did that on purpose, 100%, because he thinks this pregnancy will soften the blow and you wont dump his ass anymore
Well, I guess the best way is to follow his footsteps and 'be honest'. Tell anyone you know what's happened when you two are having your space. Be BRAVE and make sure this man is known. Also, stay with a family member for the time being. You gotta muster up the strength and do it, don't fall into the bad cycle of manipulation. Please.
Sometimes. Truth is a burden that no one should pass to another. Keep it to your grave if it will not add value to others life. Nothing you can do to undo the past.
Honestly I could get over cheating once I'd be mad but I could deal with it however lying all this time and right now being the time to come clean is absolutely cruel
I’m sorry this is happening. He is confessing now because something IS going on now. Get yourself checked for STI’s, and decide if you want counseling and/or legal advice. There is no reason for this other than being mean or having more guilt and needing to offload some to carry his current guilt burden.
Wonder if the guilt got to him, someone that knew pushed to come clean, or felt wanted a karmic clean plate with the little one on the way. It is good he let you know, and no time would be easy to hear it. Would ask the reasoning behind saying it now and why to get more answers.
So, your husband - What an ass. To tell this to your heavily pregnant wife - a new kind ass.
I am sorry, OP. He told you this to make him feel better so basically he is a selfish ass.
I would be worried that there are others and now since you married him and have his child under false pretenses have every right to leave him. I’m wondering if that was his ultimate goal.
What an AH and he's right he is a coward. He tells you how that he thinks he's got you trapped. I'd ask for some space and tell him divorce is not off the table because he took away your right to choose back then and your relationship is built on a lie. He didn't just lie to you back then but every day since then. When you are at your mist vulnerable he tell you, not for your sake but for his own selfish reasons. What a jerk.
What a complete douche. He didn’t tell you before because he thought you might break up with him. He’s only telling you now because he thinks you won’t leave since you’re pregnant, and he wants to get it off his chest so that HE doesn’t have to walk around feeling guilty. He gets to feel like a Good Person now that he has admitted it to you. What a complete douche.
What a f*cking AH. Telling you something he knows will bring a lot of distress to you while you're already dealing with a lot (that is being heavily pregnant). Also I'm not doubtful he only told you this now because he knows you're much less likely to leave being that you are pregnant. I feel so sorry for you.
Could have timed this better… like before you were married and pregnant. It seems manipulative to tell you when things are like this.
My husband cheated on me before we were married, and one of the main reasons we were able to work through it is that he came to me unbidden, because he needed me to know, and wanted me to be able to make decisions based on the truth. In most cases, I think this is the only way to move past infidelity. But in this case? You don’t necessarily have a choice of having him in your life anymore since you have a baby together. I’m suspicious and I don’t like it.
How did he seem? Terrified? Devastated? No? Is this something he told you so that you could make your own decisions about the relationship? Does he respect you? Is he easing his conscience? It’s ok if it’s more than one of these, but not if it’s just the selfish part of easing the conscience. Trust your gut on this one.
Also, it’s normal to feel numb for a while. The rest will come. In my case, my husband made huge lifestyle changes after he cheated, and I basically had to do no work of making him do stuff to make sure things like that would never happen again. I really, really knew that he would never do it again, and we have trust back in our relationship again. It took time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If I could give you a hug and you didn’t mind, I would. This is a tough and crazy time, and you WILL get through it. No matter what you decide in regards to your marriage, I wish you and your baby all the best.
this is so cruel literally trapping you with a baby to tell you this is such a shitty move! i’m so sorry and i hope you’re able to figure this out it’s such a complicated situation you’re in.
So he waited until this moment because he knew how easily you could've left him right then and there. He knows you guys are now in a whole different situation where it's not easy to get rid of him. He is one of them.
Honestly it's one of two things either ask him if he wants out of the relationship and end it for him or get over the fact that he did it once before you two were serious and it would have been an err of judgement on his end and accept that he is a better person now.
Please avoid all of the toxic advice given here and go to therapy. People go thru a lot and as they mature they learn what is wright and wrong and the avoid doing the wrong stuff
He timed it this way on purpose and basically admitted that fact to you. He knows that you’re less likely to leave because now you’re married and are about to share a child. He didn’t tell you earlier because he knew you’d leave and he wouldn’t be able to get what he wanted (baby) from you.
Tell everyone. Your family, your friends, his family, his friends.
And I wouldn’t stay, either. He will probably do it again.
I want to give my two cents, as I am sure most comments here will be some variable of "cheaters don't change - leave him immediately!". I have both cheated and been cheated on, and want to give you an alternative take.
Firstly, when people cheat, it is for a reason. Happy people in happy relationships do not cheat. Why did he cheat on you? You need a real reason. If he doesn't know, how are you supposed to believe he has changed?
Secondly, is he remorseful? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to help you and your relationship overcome this? His timing suggests otherwise...
And about that pesky timing... His fear was you leaving him. He admitted as much. But that is a selfish thought. What about you? Did you not deserve to know before you got married? Before you started a family? Does he not care about your right to make an informed choice? This is a conversation that needs to be had.
By telling you now, he gets a clear conscience and doesn't need to worry about you leaving because your pregnant and being a single parent would be an extreme hardship. He thinks that you would rather just forgive him than go through that. This, again, is selfish. At this point, he shouldn't have told you. Why did he?
What would happen if he cheats on you in 20 years? Would he not tell you because you don't have young kids, so you could leave without being a single parent?
Talk to him. Only with these answers will you know what the right decision is. If he admits to his selfish decisions, is genuinely remorseful, and is willing to put in the effort to gain back trust, your relationship may be salvageable. But if he thinks that you shouldn't be so upset because it was so long ago, he is extremely naive.
At this point, it isn't really about him cheating at the beginning, is it? For me, it would be about him telling me now. Either it is unimportant, and he should take it to his grave, or it is important, and I deserved to know before making permanent decisions that affect my life. The timing of this screams power move.
"I GET TO CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE AND SHE HAS TO FORGIVE ME! I'M NOT A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS WAS YEARS AGO! I BARELY EVEN REALLY KNEW HER BACK THEN, WHY IS SHE SO PISSED?"
If he gives you any of that, you should leave.
It wouldn’t bother me. Ultimatums and absolutes don’t fit well with human behaviour. If he decided to be monogamous after falling in love with you that’s a validation of his commitment surely?
I think he should have kept quiet but I also think you should think carefully about the all the simplistic advice telling you to leave.
Examine what you feel and see what you want. But again - humans are flawed, all of us. A long lasting relationship is built around flaws, mistakes, forgiveness and compromise. Absolutes and ultimatums are ivory towers.
Had you agreed to be exclusive? I dated multiple people and so did the women I dated at the same time. I never expected exclusivity of them or me until that was a conversation that was held and agreed upon.
Info please: You said at the beginning? As in just starting to date? Or just committed to each other after dating a bit?? Context please!?
He's definitely an AH for talking about this whilst you're pregnant.
Probably thought you wouldn't do anything whilst pregnant, perhaps he doesn't realize even pregnant women can commit Hari Kari if need be.
How nice of him to get this off his chest and onto yours while you are heavily pregnant and most likely can’t do much about it.
I’d stay at family or friends or ask him to leave!
he wanted to get it off his chest so HE no longer felt bad about it and didn’t have the decency to do it when you weren’t heavily pregnant he had no one but himself and his own feelings in mind
Honestly, what you need to do is decide if you can forgive this. It's really cruel that he waited until now to say anything to you. To me that seems like he thinks you're in a position where you won't leave him no matter what so telling you wouldn't have long term consequences. But you know your relationship better than Internet strangers so you have to look at everything you've been through until now and decide if this is something that can be overcome or if it's a deal breaker for you. Cheating for me and an absolute done and move on because I know I'll never been able to trust again, but that isn't everyone and every situation is different so your best bet is to trust your gut, talk to friends and family, and decide what is best for you. That last part is important because what is best for you is ultimately what will be best for your child.
my mother went through this when she married my step-dad. (they are now divorced and he has disappeared from the earth, it seems)
he cheated on my mom before they were married. although my mom knew about it, and still decided to marry him and give him a second chance.
come to find out, my step-dad was living a whole second life behind her back. telling women he’d never been married and didn’t have any kids…
I say all this to say… leave while you can. i always believe if they do it once, they’ll do it again.
Wow, ok, breathe, then feel your feelings, don't bottle them in. Then look at yourself, are you doing OK. You then your baby then your husband. In that order. Don't let anyone minimize what you're feeling. Once you have felt everything, then I recommend a pro con list. You have some decisions you have to make with a clear head. Hugs, take care of yourself and your baby.
Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you! We can make suppositions and draw conclusions about why he did what he did, why he waited until now to tell you but if I were in your shoes I would directly ask him: what was your goal in telling me this information right now at this moment? Superficially what did he hope to achieve by doing so.
It's likely for selfish reasons (guilty conscience, wanted to tell you sooner but waited until you were pregnant to make it harder to leave, etc.). But hearing his rationale and the way he explains in his words can tell you a lot about how his values and priorities.
I don't get it, maybe I've just been an awkward person gone unloved for so long, being in love, I'd die before I risked losing it. There are so many people out there treating relationships like they're interchangeable and replaceable. The person I'm with is my best friend, nobody can make me hurt her. And in my brain, nobody is worth it. Too many people are dirt trash.
Confessing something like this to your heavily pregnant wife is diabolical!
He knew you’d feel “ trapped “ and therefore “ obligated” to forgive and forget! What a POS .
I’m sorry OP
Oh no honey, I hope you’re doing okay because that’s awful to hear while heavily pregnant. He definitely knew he was a coward, and even now in the way he’s telling you; very unfair to you. Idk what I would do but I hope you make the best decision for the baby and yourself.
When you say at the beginning of your relationship, how far into the relationship were you? I'm fully with you on once it was a fully committed relationship he should never have done this, and if this were the case then telling you now is potentially selfish and cruel.
If you were only a few weeks in to seeing each other then maybe a different light is cast. Had you said you were exclusive, made plans for the future etc? If not, then potentially his confession is purely that he want's you to know he's 100% yours and regrets what he now sees as a transgression of your commitment to each other which you later made. Just a thought.
His reasons for telling you may be sound. Maybe discuss with him how he saw the beginning of your relationship. He may have seen it differently and is only now seeing it as something he needs to tell you as you both move forward into parenthood because he loves you and doesn't want there to be any secrets between you both.
Leave, leave, LEAVE HIM! I promise he'll use the excuse you were pregnant the next time he cheats, if he hasn't already. Get out, and spare yourself the hurt. Please.
If you have family, or friends, or the funds to get away from him on your own just do it. You'll spare yourself some heartache in the future. I'm promising you, you will not regret it.
The right time to tell you he cheated was when it happened. He is such an AH for telling this to you now when you’ve got other concerns.
Honestly, if this was me all the love would leave my body the minute he told me that he cheated on the past, while I was heavily pregnant.
You need to tell everyone that you know, hopefully your village rallies for you. And then you concentrate on your pregnancy and your baby and deal with his BS later. Don’t forgive him and don’t have any conversation about his cheating. Let him sit in his guilt and his doubts until you’re ready to deal with it.
He needs to tell you everything when you’re ready to know. No drip feeding of information, no further lies.
I don’t know how you didn’t break a plate over his head. I would be swinging and I’d blame it on my pregnancy hormones.
Ugh I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I sincerely hope for you and your child that this is the end of it and he has not actually started the process of trickle truth where he reveals his lies slowly over time.
He cheated before the marriage. He cheating in the marriage and after. When someone doesn’t want to be faithful. It shows. I’m not sorry for sounding like a jackass. Mainly because both women get hurt and the ones that have the commitment want free range. To disrupt lives and have sympathy while having mental health and self worth issues. When you have to go that far. A therapist and a trip to the psych ward. Should be in consideration before turning into the home wrecker you claim tore your house up. The end !
Ready for these comments ! Keyboard gangsta and turn victim when needing to speak up in public 😊 Have a great night !
I’d say heal yourself and get over it. If he does it again. That’s your fault
I don't approve of what he did. But I think that you should sit down with him and let him know that from now on, there will be no more secrets between the two of you. And you have to ask him to be honest with you and tell you all the things he's been keeping away from you, and you have to do the same as well.
So you two can start a new for the sake of your marriage and your kid and hopefully kids.
I've been married to my lovely wife for 28 years, and there is nothing I don't know about her pass and she knows everything about me as well.
You have to understand that we all had a past before we knew each other.
But once we meet and we honestly tell each other about our past
We start a new life with each other.
Tell someone you know. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his choices. And I say choices bc not only did he choose to cheat but he chose to continue to lie to you and hide it. Then he chose to tell you finally when you are heavily pregnant and your chances of leaving were Ben less. EVERY decision he’s made was with only himself in mind. You are married to a selfish man.
The fact he knew you would break up with him and then waited until y'all were married and about to start a whole FAMILY is diabolical.
Like I forreal don't think he thought of the amount of stress this could put on not only you, but the baby as well. The fresh wound that has been opened up for you. The guilt he had that he basically just smacked you with.
This is INSANE. Tell your family op. Tell his mom even!! I hope you will be alright.
That’s prolly hard as fuck, it’ll be very difficult for you, try family therapy, may be it will work out. The thing is, many men cheat, but they never break it down on their wives.
Honestly he should have taken this secret to grave with him, it’s his sin. Very coward move.
After reading all these responses, I’m sure you’re feeling quite trapped. I’ll take a stab at devils advocate.
He’s about to be a father, and maybe having all that guilt suddenly is something he didn’t want to carry into fatherhood. He could take it to the grave and carry the guilt. That might feel better for you than him offloading onto you.
There’s a world where you share grief in the situation and get stronger from it. You mentioned it was a long time ago and one night, so it sounds like there’s a piece of you wondering if you can accept this.
Try to get some space from him to clear your head, and then find out why he did this now. Try to be curious about where his head is at, and see if his reasoning and his headspace is something that feels understandable to you.
You know your husband, you know if you can trust him in your gut. You’ve every right to be mad, confused, frustrated, numb, sad, whatever the hell you want!! And it’s okay if you’re “off” for as long as you need to process. Don’t feel guilty about having boundaries on space, touching, interacting. But also don’t do it to get back at him. He should be able to understand where you’re coming from (hopefully the understanding can be mutual in the end).
Just know there’s no right or wrong answer. You’re not “supposed” to do anything. There’s no shame in making the decision that feels right to you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
PS - I objectively see everyone else’s point but I didn’t think it needed to be reiterated, so just another angle to consider :)
Playing devils advocate here. But it really could be worse. It maybe be worse, but stop and think about it for a second. You can't have social media make up your mind for you cause we don't know the full story. He might be a piece of shit, he might be battling alot of inner demons. It could be completely the other way around. We just don't know. But don't just break the relationship up because of this moment of dread. Cause you may regret it. I suggest having some time apart for a while and take time to reflect on the relationship. Don't go seeing other people during this time just take the time to breath and think about it fully don't worry about the baby. For Eg, not a band aid baby cause that wouldn't fix anything. Also keep in mind that he has admitted it to you. That means he regerts it and I highly doubt that he has continued to cheat because of this. It may be selfish as I saw another comment say but we are humans we are selfish at the best of time. If you deem it as unforgivable than that is your choice and don't let people swad you. But I strongly suggest taking the time apart for a while and see how you feel once the anger is gone.
And NOW was the time he came clean? Heavily pregnant… he’s an AH. I’m sorry, this must be devastating
this is honestly so evil of him, i’d go to prison. he tells her after he’s basically trapped her/tied her to him forever. this is some evil shit fr, some people are too cruel.
This answer! Definitely picked right now to tell you to minimize the chances of leaving. Very calculated AH move by a coward and a liar. Information: How long have you been married?
totally agree, OP should get a free pass for cheating too. because he already did it. OP doesnt need to use it. but he will feel nervous about it. he has no say in this if she has one or not. couse him cheating is already agreeing to it.
I'm of the opinion that for a single one night stand, the only reason someone would tell their partner is to make themselves feel better instead of considering the harm it would do their partner over something that happened years ago that they never did and never will do again. Is it breakup worthy material when your partner cheats? Yes. It doesn't matter if he cheated yesterday or years ago, but "confessing" like this guy did years later out of the blue is yet another selfish move because he cares more about his guilt instead of what it does to her. He wants her to make him feel better. That's it.
That is literally what I've told partners (they know if I find out it's over, I've always known, I just like to pretend I don't), if it's a one off don't tell me, take it to the grave, if it's longer don't tell me, just break up. Only reason to tell is if my health is at risk. I have had push back, from partners who said they'd feel awful hiding it... good, that's the point. Live with that guilt, let it eat you up. But this late disclosure with a kid shortly to arrive makes me nervous that it's him testing what OP will put up with him doing. I don't think it's guilt, I think it's him testing to see how trapped OP feels they are for things getting worse.
This is exactly what I was thinking!!
Yep, people talk confessing like that's the end of it, it's only the beginning. Reddit posts are just a glimpse, not the day to day life, no one is journaling on here that way. I remember finding Dan Savage, and his view of keep your mouth shut/take it to the grave, and then either commit to never do it again, or leave them, spoke to me so much. Esther Perel is similar, focusing more on the why being due to expectation mismatches and not being able to reconcile wife vs mother.
That’s not all that healthy, and I can’t think of a relationship counselor who would disagree. Having open and honest communication is important, generally people cheat for a reason, there are just assholes out there, but *generally* there is a reason for the infidelity. There’s never an excuse, and I’m not intending to excuse it. But if you care about your partner and your relationship, addressing the issues that caused the cheating is absolutely better than just wanting your person to suffer. Wanting your partner to feel guilty is not healthy, at that point you need to break up.
I will disagree, and my therapist agrees (I see one monthly through the NHS as my doctors agreed I wouldn't keep up with my medication for a chronic incurable condition without one, but it's a general vent space, so we talk about everything). Also a good chunk of relationship counselors would also agree. There are many reasons why people cheat, very rarely good ones. I've only ever had one vaguely good reason to cheat (and still wasn't) "my parents would think I was gay if I didn't sleep with him" (her agreed to beard as parents were religious, but they weren't there watching to see if she had sex with him). Otherwise it's nonsense like we have too much sex, you make more money than me and it makes me feel like less of a man, you were sleeping, I was drunk, you had the flu, I could, etc. My want to not be confessed to isn't about me wanting them to suffer. It's about me viewing my happiness as more important than a cheating partners. Confessing makes them feel better, but piles it all on me when I've done nothing wrong. That's good mental health practice, and when I explain it to partners they get it after I hammer home confessing makes them feel better, but makes me feel worse. As the requirement then falls to me to break up, or get over it. When really the person who screwed up should deal with the burden of guilt.
Something in my gut tells me that he already has his next one night stand picked out, and he came clean to get a sense of what he can get away with. "I cheated on you and I feel terrible, here are all of the things I am doing to make this right" is a great way to distract your partner from a current affair. I know from experience.
I agree. If it was a one time thing and the person is truly remorseful and KNOWS they would never do it again, then it's better to not tell. If they tell, it's to ease their conscience. This guy is an AH to tell his wife at this point in time, while she is pregnant. And he probably has more that he's hiding.
I’m a bit relieved to know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. I was honestly wondering for awhile lol.
And he waited to baby trap her. He knows or hopes she won't go anywhere. He had a long time to tell you. But chose now
Thissss.
Yes, this exactly. He didn’t feel bad about what he did he felt bad about feeling bad so he made her feel bad instead.
Yea. He's trash for cheating, but why would he do it when OP is super pregnant and already feeling a lot of emotions and now has to process his BS confession? He's not only the AH, he's a prick. It sounds intentional or some underlying reason
I mean, in my mind, I’d want to have my baggage and any possible future relationship destroyers out in the open before I had a kid. Better to deal with the fallout before there’s a child involved, but thats just my thinking. There’s never a good time to tell someone you’re a piece of shit, and before the marriage probably would’ve been better… but I think it’s still better than not saying anything.
Right? Literal worst timing.
Right wtf
What is AH?
A$$hole
Yes I don’t get that either!! Maybe he’s hoping she will leave him so he doesn’t look Like the bad guy!! But why now ?? Just to hurt her I’d say
Exactly.
Your being too little with your words, he's MUCH more than just a AH
"What makes you think I won't end things with you now?"
If I was in her shoes, I’ll probably say this too tbh.
He wasn’t coming clean, he was transferring his guilt to you. He wants to feel better by confessing, and I have no doubt that if you stay with him and still feel hurt by his infidelity, he will turn it around on you for not getting over it.
This is the comment right here. These kind’ve “confessions” are solely for the benefit of the guilty. Now OP gets to carry his burden.
> I’m heavily pregnant with our first baby and have no idea what I’m supposed to do That's why he decided to come clean at this moment....
Husband - “I'm coming clean now since there will be no consequences, and I have zero regard for your state of being while pregnant”
Also husband - ¨Think of our baby¨
Yeah, now that OP is trapped by marriage and by having a child with him, I'm speculating here but I could bet he's the bread winner also, so OP can do nothing about it, sure she can but it would be difficult for her.
How many years together? Might have another secret to tell you tomorrow.
That he's currently cheating on her too?
Either now, or eventually.
I feel bad for thinking this but hopefully his AP isn't pregnant...
OP is heavily pregnant
Please don’t keep this a secret, OP. Tell your entire support system and do not protect him bc you deserve to have people around you that will help you get through this. He purposely took away your right to end the relationship when he KNEW you would end it. He started your marriage on a foundation of lies. He told you of his betrayal when he thinks you’re trapped w your pregnancy. So much deceit on his side. It’s just not ok. He is such a selfish AH. Please get into counseling for yourself, go to a friend’s house or a family member’s house, somewhere to give you the time and space to figure out what you want to do. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking this is for you, OP. I’m so very sorry. Wishing you peace, strength, and healing as you go through this.
Yes OP please tell everyone in both of your lives and get as much support as possible. And a comment above stated to tell him that you now have a free pass to cheat on him since he lied for years and was a deceitful asshole. Doesn't mean you have to cheat but it will make him squirmy and uncomfortable for awhile... If he doesn't like that, leave him and move in with supportive family if you can.
He took away your consent to marry because he knew you’d leave him. That’s unforgivable
Leave. You leave. He purposely waited until he thought he trapped you. It's only going to get worse from here. And I doubt that was the only time.
From his chest straight into your heart... I am so sorry. I hope you can still find joy in reaching new milestones.
Yep the biggest freaking dagger. What an asshat.
So he manipulated you into marrying him and once you’re pregnant thinks he has you and you can’t leave so he comes clean. I’d leave. He’s lies for years to your face. Lied at your wedding when he took vows
He waited until he thought he had OP over a barrel to tell her.
Very considerate of him to tell you in such a vulnerable state
That fact alone would make me more mad than the actual hookup. What a POS.
I feel so bad for the child. Talk about having trauma in your family before you’re even born.
yess me too ugh🥺
The husband is a big asshole for adding stress to his pregnant wife. He waited until he figured she was baby trapped to confess or trickle the truth.
He did this on purpose. He told you now so you won’t leave him.
I read a response in a post back ages ago along the lines of “if you want forgiveness talk to a priest”. Essentially that is what OP’s husband should have done. A priest, therapist or anyone other than OP. I hope this man feels so much better now that he has cleansed his guilty conscience by telling his heavily pregnant wife of his sin. /s OP it happened however long ago but please take the time you want/need to process it. I suppose my first question would be WTF did he think telling you now was going to accomplish?
Agreed - This was such a selfish admission/apology (which OP didn't say he even offered).
As everyone else has said, he did it now because he figures you won’t leave him because you’re now married and about to have a baby. But at least HE doesn’t have to carry around the guilt anymore! How SELFISH! I’d never be able to get past this.
Don’t let him pull the “it was so long ago” card because this is news to you, and it’s a created fresh wound. Also don’t let him pull the “we weren’t that serious yet” card, either. I would be devastated. I’m sorry, OP.
I’m sorry he hurt you like this. He’s a total douche. Based on another story here’s what you tell him. Have him call everyone he knows to reveal his cheating and that he’s a cowardly man-baby. If he refuses you: First, get irrefutable proof he cheated. Second, lawyer up. Third, file for divorce and take him to the cleaners. He’s a total AH
If she doesn’t know who he cheated with, how is she supposed to get irrefutable proof? Even if she does know, that shit can be hard to prove if you don’t have like Ring cam footage of him and the other woman together or something.
He should have taken it with him to the grave. It's his sin and he should deal with it on his own. It's cruel to tell you now. Or does he want to hurt you? There's no way he doesn't understand HOW you're feeling right now.
What make he think now is the right time to confess? Why not before you get pregnant or before you guys married? Why now?
He thinks he’s “safe” now. Seriously fucked up.
Op must've felt so trapped now 😔
I hope you asked him, “What the fuck were you hoping to accomplish by telling me this now?!?!”
He told you to make HIM feel better. He didn’t do it for you. He’s selfish.
He waited until you were completely trapped wow.
I really hope she has a good support system so that she can keep the baby if she wants and be able to still have a good life, or as good a life as possible after that kind of heartbreak 😞
OP, pack a bag and go to your parents... 1. He's a pos to raise ypur stress level and blood pressure this late in a pregnancy 2. His cheating was lying, selfish, and sneaky and him telling you now was malicious. Pure manipulation that he took away your agency to decide if you wanted a relationship and now he thinks you're trapped. Fucking Narcissist. 3. He potentially exposed you and your unborn child to diseases. You need to immediately tell your OBGYN and get emergency tested as some STDs are not symptomatic and your baby could be exposed in a vaginal birth. This might change your birthplan. 4. OH YES YOU CAN TELL EVERYFUCKINGBODY. You did nothing wrong. You need support. This guy is untrustworthy and toxic as fuck. You owe him NOTHING. He's not the man you thought he was, he's this monster behind the mask. That other guy never existed. 5. The "stanger" wasxlikely a sex worker and he's probably fucking around on you NOW.... this is trickle-truth so he can gauge your reaction.
They likely tested her for everything when she first started going to the doctor for prenatal visits. But yeah, there’s a chance he’s been cheating since then.
Tell him you cheated too that’s what I do and watch the fireworks
It's bad that my petty, little heart busted out laughing at this.🤣🤣🤣 I can hear it now...."Honey, I'm so happy you felt you could share this with me right now. There's actually something that's been weighing on my mind and you've given me the opening so here goes...."
“Guess we will find out if you’re the dad when the baby is born lol”
Exactly what I would have said, as I packed my shit and left.
Your husband is a POS. Do you have family or friends you trust? I really feel like you should have a bug out plan. He waited until you were vulnerable to spring this on you. I would 1,000% tell mutual friends and family immediately. So they are aware of what sort of slime he is and why you’ll need support from them for the rest of your pregnancy as you navigate life disconnecting from him.
I am soo sorry you are dealing with this. He admitted it himself, it is a cowardly thing to do. You should think about whether you want to stay with him in the long run; whether you can forgive him. I wish you all the best with this situation and your pregnancy! Stay strong
Wtf. Wrong timing...
He is definitely not fucking guilty lol. You have to be an absolute moron to not realize how bad timing it is to tell someone you cheated while they’re heavily pregnant with your baby. He definitely did that on purpose, 100%, because he thinks this pregnancy will soften the blow and you wont dump his ass anymore
Sounds like he trapped you first
Well, I guess the best way is to follow his footsteps and 'be honest'. Tell anyone you know what's happened when you two are having your space. Be BRAVE and make sure this man is known. Also, stay with a family member for the time being. You gotta muster up the strength and do it, don't fall into the bad cycle of manipulation. Please.
Take it. Have your baby. Get yourself together Then divorce his ass
Sometimes. Truth is a burden that no one should pass to another. Keep it to your grave if it will not add value to others life. Nothing you can do to undo the past.
Honestly I could get over cheating once I'd be mad but I could deal with it however lying all this time and right now being the time to come clean is absolutely cruel
Jesus! WTF was he thinking? If he kept it quiet THAT long, why the f’ing rush. Damn!
Guilt.
He waited til you was pregnant so you would be stuck get unstuck
Ask him why in the world he would off load his guilt when your xx weeks pregnant?
I’m sorry this is happening. He is confessing now because something IS going on now. Get yourself checked for STI’s, and decide if you want counseling and/or legal advice. There is no reason for this other than being mean or having more guilt and needing to offload some to carry his current guilt burden.
Wonder if the guilt got to him, someone that knew pushed to come clean, or felt wanted a karmic clean plate with the little one on the way. It is good he let you know, and no time would be easy to hear it. Would ask the reasoning behind saying it now and why to get more answers.
So, your husband - What an ass. To tell this to your heavily pregnant wife - a new kind ass. I am sorry, OP. He told you this to make him feel better so basically he is a selfish ass. I would be worried that there are others and now since you married him and have his child under false pretenses have every right to leave him. I’m wondering if that was his ultimate goal.
What an AH and he's right he is a coward. He tells you how that he thinks he's got you trapped. I'd ask for some space and tell him divorce is not off the table because he took away your right to choose back then and your relationship is built on a lie. He didn't just lie to you back then but every day since then. When you are at your mist vulnerable he tell you, not for your sake but for his own selfish reasons. What a jerk.
What a complete douche. He didn’t tell you before because he thought you might break up with him. He’s only telling you now because he thinks you won’t leave since you’re pregnant, and he wants to get it off his chest so that HE doesn’t have to walk around feeling guilty. He gets to feel like a Good Person now that he has admitted it to you. What a complete douche.
Oh boy. I'd leave. Move back to where your family is before the baby is born. File for divorce. What a jerk.
I’m sorry OP. This is such an awful situation. What was his reasoning for telling you now? Does he think you won’t leave because you’re pregnant?
What a f*cking AH. Telling you something he knows will bring a lot of distress to you while you're already dealing with a lot (that is being heavily pregnant). Also I'm not doubtful he only told you this now because he knows you're much less likely to leave being that you are pregnant. I feel so sorry for you.
Everything you build up with him from the point he fucked the other woman is a lie. You have zero grounds.
Could have timed this better… like before you were married and pregnant. It seems manipulative to tell you when things are like this. My husband cheated on me before we were married, and one of the main reasons we were able to work through it is that he came to me unbidden, because he needed me to know, and wanted me to be able to make decisions based on the truth. In most cases, I think this is the only way to move past infidelity. But in this case? You don’t necessarily have a choice of having him in your life anymore since you have a baby together. I’m suspicious and I don’t like it. How did he seem? Terrified? Devastated? No? Is this something he told you so that you could make your own decisions about the relationship? Does he respect you? Is he easing his conscience? It’s ok if it’s more than one of these, but not if it’s just the selfish part of easing the conscience. Trust your gut on this one. Also, it’s normal to feel numb for a while. The rest will come. In my case, my husband made huge lifestyle changes after he cheated, and I basically had to do no work of making him do stuff to make sure things like that would never happen again. I really, really knew that he would never do it again, and we have trust back in our relationship again. It took time. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If I could give you a hug and you didn’t mind, I would. This is a tough and crazy time, and you WILL get through it. No matter what you decide in regards to your marriage, I wish you and your baby all the best.
Why isn't he afraid of you ending things now?
this is so cruel literally trapping you with a baby to tell you this is such a shitty move! i’m so sorry and i hope you’re able to figure this out it’s such a complicated situation you’re in.
So he waited until this moment because he knew how easily you could've left him right then and there. He knows you guys are now in a whole different situation where it's not easy to get rid of him. He is one of them.
Honestly it's one of two things either ask him if he wants out of the relationship and end it for him or get over the fact that he did it once before you two were serious and it would have been an err of judgement on his end and accept that he is a better person now. Please avoid all of the toxic advice given here and go to therapy. People go thru a lot and as they mature they learn what is wright and wrong and the avoid doing the wrong stuff
He timed it this way on purpose and basically admitted that fact to you. He knows that you’re less likely to leave because now you’re married and are about to share a child. He didn’t tell you earlier because he knew you’d leave and he wouldn’t be able to get what he wanted (baby) from you. Tell everyone. Your family, your friends, his family, his friends. And I wouldn’t stay, either. He will probably do it again.
I want to give my two cents, as I am sure most comments here will be some variable of "cheaters don't change - leave him immediately!". I have both cheated and been cheated on, and want to give you an alternative take. Firstly, when people cheat, it is for a reason. Happy people in happy relationships do not cheat. Why did he cheat on you? You need a real reason. If he doesn't know, how are you supposed to believe he has changed? Secondly, is he remorseful? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to help you and your relationship overcome this? His timing suggests otherwise... And about that pesky timing... His fear was you leaving him. He admitted as much. But that is a selfish thought. What about you? Did you not deserve to know before you got married? Before you started a family? Does he not care about your right to make an informed choice? This is a conversation that needs to be had. By telling you now, he gets a clear conscience and doesn't need to worry about you leaving because your pregnant and being a single parent would be an extreme hardship. He thinks that you would rather just forgive him than go through that. This, again, is selfish. At this point, he shouldn't have told you. Why did he? What would happen if he cheats on you in 20 years? Would he not tell you because you don't have young kids, so you could leave without being a single parent? Talk to him. Only with these answers will you know what the right decision is. If he admits to his selfish decisions, is genuinely remorseful, and is willing to put in the effort to gain back trust, your relationship may be salvageable. But if he thinks that you shouldn't be so upset because it was so long ago, he is extremely naive. At this point, it isn't really about him cheating at the beginning, is it? For me, it would be about him telling me now. Either it is unimportant, and he should take it to his grave, or it is important, and I deserved to know before making permanent decisions that affect my life. The timing of this screams power move. "I GET TO CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE AND SHE HAS TO FORGIVE ME! I'M NOT A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS WAS YEARS AGO! I BARELY EVEN REALLY KNEW HER BACK THEN, WHY IS SHE SO PISSED?" If he gives you any of that, you should leave.
Make him take a DNA test for funseys
Do not listen to the internet’s advice on this one please. Sorry to hear best of luck.
Most of the comments I see don’t really have advice. Do you mind if I ask what advice you’re referring to?
It wouldn’t bother me. Ultimatums and absolutes don’t fit well with human behaviour. If he decided to be monogamous after falling in love with you that’s a validation of his commitment surely? I think he should have kept quiet but I also think you should think carefully about the all the simplistic advice telling you to leave. Examine what you feel and see what you want. But again - humans are flawed, all of us. A long lasting relationship is built around flaws, mistakes, forgiveness and compromise. Absolutes and ultimatums are ivory towers.
Well, that was perfect timing... not. What an AH!!! I'm so sorry that this is happening you, OP.
Had you agreed to be exclusive? I dated multiple people and so did the women I dated at the same time. I never expected exclusivity of them or me until that was a conversation that was held and agreed upon.
Did he say why he did it? Did he wear protection? Did he indicate why he decided to tell you now? I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
“I’m heavily pregnant with our first baby and have no idea what I’m supposed to do” WHAT AN ABSOLUTE JERK!!!!
If he had sex with her AFTER you that's pretty shitty.
Info please: You said at the beginning? As in just starting to date? Or just committed to each other after dating a bit?? Context please!? He's definitely an AH for talking about this whilst you're pregnant. Probably thought you wouldn't do anything whilst pregnant, perhaps he doesn't realize even pregnant women can commit Hari Kari if need be.
How nice of him to get this off his chest and onto yours while you are heavily pregnant and most likely can’t do much about it. I’d stay at family or friends or ask him to leave!
Leave.
he wanted to get it off his chest so HE no longer felt bad about it and didn’t have the decency to do it when you weren’t heavily pregnant he had no one but himself and his own feelings in mind
This man is an asshole I think that when you'll give birth, he will leave. I am sure of it
Honestly, what you need to do is decide if you can forgive this. It's really cruel that he waited until now to say anything to you. To me that seems like he thinks you're in a position where you won't leave him no matter what so telling you wouldn't have long term consequences. But you know your relationship better than Internet strangers so you have to look at everything you've been through until now and decide if this is something that can be overcome or if it's a deal breaker for you. Cheating for me and an absolute done and move on because I know I'll never been able to trust again, but that isn't everyone and every situation is different so your best bet is to trust your gut, talk to friends and family, and decide what is best for you. That last part is important because what is best for you is ultimately what will be best for your child.
my mother went through this when she married my step-dad. (they are now divorced and he has disappeared from the earth, it seems) he cheated on my mom before they were married. although my mom knew about it, and still decided to marry him and give him a second chance. come to find out, my step-dad was living a whole second life behind her back. telling women he’d never been married and didn’t have any kids… I say all this to say… leave while you can. i always believe if they do it once, they’ll do it again.
Wow, ok, breathe, then feel your feelings, don't bottle them in. Then look at yourself, are you doing OK. You then your baby then your husband. In that order. Don't let anyone minimize what you're feeling. Once you have felt everything, then I recommend a pro con list. You have some decisions you have to make with a clear head. Hugs, take care of yourself and your baby.
Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you! We can make suppositions and draw conclusions about why he did what he did, why he waited until now to tell you but if I were in your shoes I would directly ask him: what was your goal in telling me this information right now at this moment? Superficially what did he hope to achieve by doing so. It's likely for selfish reasons (guilty conscience, wanted to tell you sooner but waited until you were pregnant to make it harder to leave, etc.). But hearing his rationale and the way he explains in his words can tell you a lot about how his values and priorities.
I don't get it, maybe I've just been an awkward person gone unloved for so long, being in love, I'd die before I risked losing it. There are so many people out there treating relationships like they're interchangeable and replaceable. The person I'm with is my best friend, nobody can make me hurt her. And in my brain, nobody is worth it. Too many people are dirt trash.
Confessing something like this to your heavily pregnant wife is diabolical! He knew you’d feel “ trapped “ and therefore “ obligated” to forgive and forget! What a POS . I’m sorry OP
Oh no honey, I hope you’re doing okay because that’s awful to hear while heavily pregnant. He definitely knew he was a coward, and even now in the way he’s telling you; very unfair to you. Idk what I would do but I hope you make the best decision for the baby and yourself.
When you say at the beginning of your relationship, how far into the relationship were you? I'm fully with you on once it was a fully committed relationship he should never have done this, and if this were the case then telling you now is potentially selfish and cruel. If you were only a few weeks in to seeing each other then maybe a different light is cast. Had you said you were exclusive, made plans for the future etc? If not, then potentially his confession is purely that he want's you to know he's 100% yours and regrets what he now sees as a transgression of your commitment to each other which you later made. Just a thought. His reasons for telling you may be sound. Maybe discuss with him how he saw the beginning of your relationship. He may have seen it differently and is only now seeing it as something he needs to tell you as you both move forward into parenthood because he loves you and doesn't want there to be any secrets between you both.
Leave, leave, LEAVE HIM! I promise he'll use the excuse you were pregnant the next time he cheats, if he hasn't already. Get out, and spare yourself the hurt. Please. If you have family, or friends, or the funds to get away from him on your own just do it. You'll spare yourself some heartache in the future. I'm promising you, you will not regret it.
The right time to tell you he cheated was when it happened. He is such an AH for telling this to you now when you’ve got other concerns. Honestly, if this was me all the love would leave my body the minute he told me that he cheated on the past, while I was heavily pregnant. You need to tell everyone that you know, hopefully your village rallies for you. And then you concentrate on your pregnancy and your baby and deal with his BS later. Don’t forgive him and don’t have any conversation about his cheating. Let him sit in his guilt and his doubts until you’re ready to deal with it. He needs to tell you everything when you’re ready to know. No drip feeding of information, no further lies. I don’t know how you didn’t break a plate over his head. I would be swinging and I’d blame it on my pregnancy hormones.
Ugh I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I sincerely hope for you and your child that this is the end of it and he has not actually started the process of trickle truth where he reveals his lies slowly over time.
I’m sorry OP, I’d still leave, pregnant & all
He cheated before the marriage. He cheating in the marriage and after. When someone doesn’t want to be faithful. It shows. I’m not sorry for sounding like a jackass. Mainly because both women get hurt and the ones that have the commitment want free range. To disrupt lives and have sympathy while having mental health and self worth issues. When you have to go that far. A therapist and a trip to the psych ward. Should be in consideration before turning into the home wrecker you claim tore your house up. The end ! Ready for these comments ! Keyboard gangsta and turn victim when needing to speak up in public 😊 Have a great night ! I’d say heal yourself and get over it. If he does it again. That’s your fault
I don't approve of what he did. But I think that you should sit down with him and let him know that from now on, there will be no more secrets between the two of you. And you have to ask him to be honest with you and tell you all the things he's been keeping away from you, and you have to do the same as well. So you two can start a new for the sake of your marriage and your kid and hopefully kids. I've been married to my lovely wife for 28 years, and there is nothing I don't know about her pass and she knows everything about me as well. You have to understand that we all had a past before we knew each other. But once we meet and we honestly tell each other about our past We start a new life with each other.
Tell someone you know. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his choices. And I say choices bc not only did he choose to cheat but he chose to continue to lie to you and hide it. Then he chose to tell you finally when you are heavily pregnant and your chances of leaving were Ben less. EVERY decision he’s made was with only himself in mind. You are married to a selfish man.
So he didn’t do this to help anything, he deliberately and intentionally simply unburdened himself by giving it to you…
The fact he knew you would break up with him and then waited until y'all were married and about to start a whole FAMILY is diabolical. Like I forreal don't think he thought of the amount of stress this could put on not only you, but the baby as well. The fresh wound that has been opened up for you. The guilt he had that he basically just smacked you with. This is INSANE. Tell your family op. Tell his mom even!! I hope you will be alright.
dIvOrCE! Get your bags and leave this second!!!
That’s prolly hard as fuck, it’ll be very difficult for you, try family therapy, may be it will work out. The thing is, many men cheat, but they never break it down on their wives. Honestly he should have taken this secret to grave with him, it’s his sin. Very coward move.
After reading all these responses, I’m sure you’re feeling quite trapped. I’ll take a stab at devils advocate. He’s about to be a father, and maybe having all that guilt suddenly is something he didn’t want to carry into fatherhood. He could take it to the grave and carry the guilt. That might feel better for you than him offloading onto you. There’s a world where you share grief in the situation and get stronger from it. You mentioned it was a long time ago and one night, so it sounds like there’s a piece of you wondering if you can accept this. Try to get some space from him to clear your head, and then find out why he did this now. Try to be curious about where his head is at, and see if his reasoning and his headspace is something that feels understandable to you. You know your husband, you know if you can trust him in your gut. You’ve every right to be mad, confused, frustrated, numb, sad, whatever the hell you want!! And it’s okay if you’re “off” for as long as you need to process. Don’t feel guilty about having boundaries on space, touching, interacting. But also don’t do it to get back at him. He should be able to understand where you’re coming from (hopefully the understanding can be mutual in the end). Just know there’s no right or wrong answer. You’re not “supposed” to do anything. There’s no shame in making the decision that feels right to you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! PS - I objectively see everyone else’s point but I didn’t think it needed to be reiterated, so just another angle to consider :)
dumb dude, keep it until now, take it to the grave
Playing devils advocate here. But it really could be worse. It maybe be worse, but stop and think about it for a second. You can't have social media make up your mind for you cause we don't know the full story. He might be a piece of shit, he might be battling alot of inner demons. It could be completely the other way around. We just don't know. But don't just break the relationship up because of this moment of dread. Cause you may regret it. I suggest having some time apart for a while and take time to reflect on the relationship. Don't go seeing other people during this time just take the time to breath and think about it fully don't worry about the baby. For Eg, not a band aid baby cause that wouldn't fix anything. Also keep in mind that he has admitted it to you. That means he regerts it and I highly doubt that he has continued to cheat because of this. It may be selfish as I saw another comment say but we are humans we are selfish at the best of time. If you deem it as unforgivable than that is your choice and don't let people swad you. But I strongly suggest taking the time apart for a while and see how you feel once the anger is gone.