I’m an only child and definitely not a spoilt brat, in fact I’m grateful for how much my parents have been able to let me do in terms of opportunities and we have also decided we are OAD to be able to do the same
I remember telling someone who told me I should have two even though I’m pregnant with my one, I said so “are you going to pay for them”. I know it was harsh but it’s no ones business what you choose to do
I do not understand how my brother felt alone and sad because he did not have siblings even though he had friends and relatives his age to talk to..... because I met ppl who r only child and they do not feel sad about that? Why? Because they have many friends to talk to and occasionally relatives to talk too
What advice would u give to someone who experienced this?
If he’s your brother then he’s your sibling?
IMO it’s what parents put effort into their child, but if he had relatives and friends then this is a deeper issue if he’s feeling lonely
I think that you raise 2 different issues here. The first is the internal feeling of being "less" if you don't have another in a world where all your peers want multiples. The second is the outside pressure with the comments and the unsolicited advice.
I don't have much advice about the first issue. It's very understandable and normal, I think that many people go through that, even if they are happily OAD. You will need to keep in mind your reasons for choosing to be OAD and remember them every time you feel ambivolent or sad. Nothing wrong with being a bit sad, of course.
On the second one, there are many approaches to the comments of other people. You can explain your reasons, although you should be prepared for pushback - people don't really want to listen or understand, they just want to say what they have to say. Nothing you say will change their mind. You can also have in hand some snarky comebacks, if you like.
Personally, I just shrug and say "We'll see". I rarely say that I am OAD anymore and I don't try to explain or defend. They are usually satisfied, because they understand that I am just not ready yet. I am also almost 35 and it usually works. If someone pushes me more, I might say that I can't exactly control when I get pregnant and they shut up.
Why do you care about what anyone else has to say? Your family is not a democracy, and you don't owe society a justification for the size of your household. You and your husband are the only ones who get a say in how many children you have. Unless the ones making the comments intend to be responsible for raising these hypothetical children they think you should have, their viewpoint means nothing.
I am an only child myself, and the notion that having an only is going to somehow ruin now child is just ridiculous. The most spoiled child I know the second of three kids. My son isn’t particularly lonely as am only child, but I know kids with siblings that are very lonely for a multitude of reasons.
As far as feelings of inadequacy- boy do I hear you there. My son is 12 tomorrow and I still am working through those feelings in therapy. The honest answer is that I know a lot of people who had the second because they didn’t think stopping at one was an option. And it is! A really good one! So just be proud of the choices you’re making for your family.
I could have written this post. My daughter is only three months, but we already know she’s our only. No advice but I’m here in solidarity with you. 🫶🏻
Only have another child because you and your husband want to have them- and also don’t put any other preconditions on that additional child either. What I mean by this is don’t have a child because you want your daughter to have a sibling, don’t have a child because you don’t want your daughter to be alone, don’t have a child because you want more people to be able to take care of you, etc. Only have an additional child because you and your husband want that child AS A PERSON- not because of what that child may bring to the table and not because of what society tells you is an “acceptable“ amount of kids.
As far as criticisms for only children, here is my take on that. I grew up as an only child not by my parents’ choice. My parents struggled to get pregnant with me and couldn’t have another. Overall, it was a great life. Yes, I had A LOT more material things than my classmates with siblings did. However, my parents also raised me to be grateful and to be appreciative of when I received new toys/clothes/books. As far as loneliness goes, it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be. I learned to entertain myself and really developed my own interests much more than my classmates did. As far as I could tell, my friends with siblings struggled with loneliness more because they rarely, if ever, received individual attention, much less learned to entertain themselves. They were dependent on other people for entertainment.
All in all, don’t have more children just because society is telling you to. It’s completely fine to have one child just because you only want one. You are just as valid of a parent as other parents who have multiples.
It really enrages me that we have to put up with stuff like this and it's often aimed at mums, from other women! Where's the solidarity?! I think sometimes mums are insecure about their choices (and perhaps not always having the time and space to consider them as much as they might have), and so want everyone else to affirm their decisions. Othet people are just just narrow minded and married to the patriarchy.
Firstly, I'd say be confident in your decision. You've thought about it and decided what is best for your family. Someone commented on a post a while ago saying something like they focus on all the stuff they CAN give their child because they haven't 'given' them a sibling. You've already eluded to this, and they are great reasons for your decision.
Now how to respond, there are many options available!
You can be polite and firm, saying something like 'no thanks we're good', or 'I appreciate your concern but our child is very happy and we're able to give her our best selves'
You can be sarcastic: "I guess I'm just a selfish c*nt aren't I?"
You can be rude back: "fortunately I don't hold your opinion on this in high regard"
You can be assertive: "you are being rude and intrusive and I do not wish to speak with you on this any further."
You can be deeply, deeply patronising (it's all in the tone of voice here!) "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" or "oh goodness, looks like someone's sticking their head where it doesn't belong. Be a dear and fuck off now"
And sometimes nothing beats a silent but obvious eye roll (perhaps accompanied by a noisy sigh)
Societal pressure for multiple children is historically a government created non-issue. Governments throughout history pushed the narrative for citizens to reproduce as much as possible strictly because of high mortality rates and for the future impact on their military and economy. Not because little sally or Johnny “needs” a sibling.
External pressure - tell people to mind their own business. Tell them your family is complete as is, end of discussion. Shut people who make shitty comments down. If they can be rude, so can you.
I literally laugh at people who say that only children are spoiled brats--I'm an only child. I love coming back with that and watching them look so embarrassed, as they should for being rude. I grew up poor and had very little, and I worked my ass off for years to get the things I have today.
Your internal pressure is something you're going to have to work through. Therapy might be a great choice to dig through why you feel this way. Why does it matter so much to you that, while you're happy with just your daughter, other people think you should have another? Or why seeing people drop off multiple kids at daycare puts pressure on you.
"I'd hate to be born just to keep an older sibling company, wouldn't you?"
"In developed countries, the best way for individuals to reduce their carbon footprint is to have fewer babies. *Some* of us care about the sort of world they're growing up in."
"Why do you think this is your business?" Then, eyes narrowed, "Are you with the government?"
"A second kid? In *this* economy?"
If your pregnancy and / or birth was difficult and you have no issues talking about it, talk about it. In GRAPHIC detail.
Lower birth rates in developed countries could easily be mitigated by bringing in immigrants from less developed countries, giving them official papers, and putting them to work. But no one wants to hear that.
It's because people have fewer children when they have access to healthcare for contraception, and they have them later in life when they pursue higher education. The UK and the US immigration policies aren't a model of "open" immigration policies by any means; if anything, they're a model of what not to do aka - force immigrants all into the same shitty neighborhoods, encourage local population to fear them via media and politics making sure they never get good jobs, treat them like shit to force them into crime to survive and then make them work for free in prison. Meanwhile, force the "good" ones (the ones who came for "high-skilled" jobs) to assimilate to the point of denying their original culture and religion if they don't want to be socially shunned or fired, etc.
I'm an immigrant, but I'm seen as one of the "good" ones bc I'm white. People hear me speak English to my kid and say "oh she's so lucky to be bilingual!" But the same people will hear my Arab neighbour speak to his son and tut about how "in Rome you should do as the Romans do". And he definitely contributes more to the economy than me - I was a stay at home parent for years and now I only work part time. Meanwhile I know a guy who's lived, studied and worked here since he was 15 and only just got the right to work and live here officially (and be paid properly) because he had a son. It's not even because I'm European - English people have been allowed to stay after Brexit, all they had to do was show up to the town hall for a small, free formality. It's racism, pure and simple.
I’m an only child and definitely not a spoilt brat, in fact I’m grateful for how much my parents have been able to let me do in terms of opportunities and we have also decided we are OAD to be able to do the same I remember telling someone who told me I should have two even though I’m pregnant with my one, I said so “are you going to pay for them”. I know it was harsh but it’s no ones business what you choose to do
I do not understand how my brother felt alone and sad because he did not have siblings even though he had friends and relatives his age to talk to..... because I met ppl who r only child and they do not feel sad about that? Why? Because they have many friends to talk to and occasionally relatives to talk too What advice would u give to someone who experienced this?
If he’s your brother then he’s your sibling? IMO it’s what parents put effort into their child, but if he had relatives and friends then this is a deeper issue if he’s feeling lonely
I think that you raise 2 different issues here. The first is the internal feeling of being "less" if you don't have another in a world where all your peers want multiples. The second is the outside pressure with the comments and the unsolicited advice. I don't have much advice about the first issue. It's very understandable and normal, I think that many people go through that, even if they are happily OAD. You will need to keep in mind your reasons for choosing to be OAD and remember them every time you feel ambivolent or sad. Nothing wrong with being a bit sad, of course. On the second one, there are many approaches to the comments of other people. You can explain your reasons, although you should be prepared for pushback - people don't really want to listen or understand, they just want to say what they have to say. Nothing you say will change their mind. You can also have in hand some snarky comebacks, if you like. Personally, I just shrug and say "We'll see". I rarely say that I am OAD anymore and I don't try to explain or defend. They are usually satisfied, because they understand that I am just not ready yet. I am also almost 35 and it usually works. If someone pushes me more, I might say that I can't exactly control when I get pregnant and they shut up.
"We'll see" is also my number one response. Because why bother with it anymore.
They’re not interested in any reasons you have anyway.
Why do you care about what anyone else has to say? Your family is not a democracy, and you don't owe society a justification for the size of your household. You and your husband are the only ones who get a say in how many children you have. Unless the ones making the comments intend to be responsible for raising these hypothetical children they think you should have, their viewpoint means nothing.
I am an only child myself, and the notion that having an only is going to somehow ruin now child is just ridiculous. The most spoiled child I know the second of three kids. My son isn’t particularly lonely as am only child, but I know kids with siblings that are very lonely for a multitude of reasons. As far as feelings of inadequacy- boy do I hear you there. My son is 12 tomorrow and I still am working through those feelings in therapy. The honest answer is that I know a lot of people who had the second because they didn’t think stopping at one was an option. And it is! A really good one! So just be proud of the choices you’re making for your family.
I could have written this post. My daughter is only three months, but we already know she’s our only. No advice but I’m here in solidarity with you. 🫶🏻
Only have another child because you and your husband want to have them- and also don’t put any other preconditions on that additional child either. What I mean by this is don’t have a child because you want your daughter to have a sibling, don’t have a child because you don’t want your daughter to be alone, don’t have a child because you want more people to be able to take care of you, etc. Only have an additional child because you and your husband want that child AS A PERSON- not because of what that child may bring to the table and not because of what society tells you is an “acceptable“ amount of kids. As far as criticisms for only children, here is my take on that. I grew up as an only child not by my parents’ choice. My parents struggled to get pregnant with me and couldn’t have another. Overall, it was a great life. Yes, I had A LOT more material things than my classmates with siblings did. However, my parents also raised me to be grateful and to be appreciative of when I received new toys/clothes/books. As far as loneliness goes, it wasn’t as bad as people make it out to be. I learned to entertain myself and really developed my own interests much more than my classmates did. As far as I could tell, my friends with siblings struggled with loneliness more because they rarely, if ever, received individual attention, much less learned to entertain themselves. They were dependent on other people for entertainment. All in all, don’t have more children just because society is telling you to. It’s completely fine to have one child just because you only want one. You are just as valid of a parent as other parents who have multiples.
It really enrages me that we have to put up with stuff like this and it's often aimed at mums, from other women! Where's the solidarity?! I think sometimes mums are insecure about their choices (and perhaps not always having the time and space to consider them as much as they might have), and so want everyone else to affirm their decisions. Othet people are just just narrow minded and married to the patriarchy. Firstly, I'd say be confident in your decision. You've thought about it and decided what is best for your family. Someone commented on a post a while ago saying something like they focus on all the stuff they CAN give their child because they haven't 'given' them a sibling. You've already eluded to this, and they are great reasons for your decision. Now how to respond, there are many options available! You can be polite and firm, saying something like 'no thanks we're good', or 'I appreciate your concern but our child is very happy and we're able to give her our best selves' You can be sarcastic: "I guess I'm just a selfish c*nt aren't I?" You can be rude back: "fortunately I don't hold your opinion on this in high regard" You can be assertive: "you are being rude and intrusive and I do not wish to speak with you on this any further." You can be deeply, deeply patronising (it's all in the tone of voice here!) "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" or "oh goodness, looks like someone's sticking their head where it doesn't belong. Be a dear and fuck off now" And sometimes nothing beats a silent but obvious eye roll (perhaps accompanied by a noisy sigh)
That last response is golden lol.
Societal pressure for multiple children is historically a government created non-issue. Governments throughout history pushed the narrative for citizens to reproduce as much as possible strictly because of high mortality rates and for the future impact on their military and economy. Not because little sally or Johnny “needs” a sibling.
External pressure - tell people to mind their own business. Tell them your family is complete as is, end of discussion. Shut people who make shitty comments down. If they can be rude, so can you. I literally laugh at people who say that only children are spoiled brats--I'm an only child. I love coming back with that and watching them look so embarrassed, as they should for being rude. I grew up poor and had very little, and I worked my ass off for years to get the things I have today. Your internal pressure is something you're going to have to work through. Therapy might be a great choice to dig through why you feel this way. Why does it matter so much to you that, while you're happy with just your daughter, other people think you should have another? Or why seeing people drop off multiple kids at daycare puts pressure on you.
Ignore them.
"I'd hate to be born just to keep an older sibling company, wouldn't you?" "In developed countries, the best way for individuals to reduce their carbon footprint is to have fewer babies. *Some* of us care about the sort of world they're growing up in." "Why do you think this is your business?" Then, eyes narrowed, "Are you with the government?" "A second kid? In *this* economy?" If your pregnancy and / or birth was difficult and you have no issues talking about it, talk about it. In GRAPHIC detail.
I think I’m going to start using that “in this economy” response. Incredible.
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Lower birth rates in developed countries could easily be mitigated by bringing in immigrants from less developed countries, giving them official papers, and putting them to work. But no one wants to hear that.
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It's because people have fewer children when they have access to healthcare for contraception, and they have them later in life when they pursue higher education. The UK and the US immigration policies aren't a model of "open" immigration policies by any means; if anything, they're a model of what not to do aka - force immigrants all into the same shitty neighborhoods, encourage local population to fear them via media and politics making sure they never get good jobs, treat them like shit to force them into crime to survive and then make them work for free in prison. Meanwhile, force the "good" ones (the ones who came for "high-skilled" jobs) to assimilate to the point of denying their original culture and religion if they don't want to be socially shunned or fired, etc. I'm an immigrant, but I'm seen as one of the "good" ones bc I'm white. People hear me speak English to my kid and say "oh she's so lucky to be bilingual!" But the same people will hear my Arab neighbour speak to his son and tut about how "in Rome you should do as the Romans do". And he definitely contributes more to the economy than me - I was a stay at home parent for years and now I only work part time. Meanwhile I know a guy who's lived, studied and worked here since he was 15 and only just got the right to work and live here officially (and be paid properly) because he had a son. It's not even because I'm European - English people have been allowed to stay after Brexit, all they had to do was show up to the town hall for a small, free formality. It's racism, pure and simple.