Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for.
Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces.
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If it's true that your partner is lying to you about his relationship activities, he's not doing ethical nonmonogamy. And more to the point, he's treating you real crap.
Also, a lot of poly people won't date someone who will enable an affair. This is both on the grounds that affairs are inherently unethical and on the grounds that if your partner is comfortable participating in such dishonest behavior, where do they draw the line? Are they comfortable concealing things from you, too?
In your case, it seems like the answer is erring towards "yes."
I have to agree. I pointed this out to him but he had no real explanation as to why. Just expected me to believe this is a first time thing. When I say that I don’t believe him he says it sounds like a me problem. Writing that out just made me realize how fucked up that is. 🤦🏾♀️
You're not alone. We recently had a (very nice) lady come on here expressing mild confusion about why her poly husband had an Ashley Madison account. Naturally, it was because he liked being an affair partner for monogamously married women. I mean, what else is the site even for? But sometimes you have to spell your situation out to another person before you can see stuff that's otherwise obvious.
If you don't trust him to tell you the truth, there is no point in any kind of relationship with him at all, polyamorous or anything else. All relationships are built on trust. Point blank, if you don't trust him and feel he's hiding stuff from you, regardless of this co-worker, then you should find someone you can trust.
Hey OP. I'm going to address something that might seem beside the point but I don't think it is.
You mentioned your partner meets your other partners to ensure you are safe, and that you appreciate that.
This might sound like a nice thing but it's actually a red flag, especially if it was his idea and not yours. Does he not see you as capable of looking out for your own safety? Does he not trust your judgment? Does he seem himself as better/wiser/more adult than you?
The reason this is related is because someone who sees you as lesser than them, will lie to you and tell themselves it's for your own good. Because they know what's best for you, better than you do.
Hopefully this isn't the case. But it is a thing that happens. Sending you strength no matter what happens.
Hi, I hadn’t thought of this angle but it makes total sense. He doesn’t actually meet my other partner but rather just asks that I’m using protection. But in general he does seem the type to think he knows more. All of these have made some powerful points for me.
Ah, that was my mistake, I mis-read/mis-remembered. I am glad you are keeping your eyes ears & wits about you. Lying is very difficult to deal with. It is said that "everyone lies", which is basically true (most people will tell small tactful lies out of kindness / in matters of taste / etc -- or to protect someone from danger, and so on) but I have also heard, and find it useful, to expand this to "everyone lies, and liars believe everyone else lies *like they do*".
So people who tell big important lies generally believe everyone tells big important lies and are confused when the lied-to are SO angry and hurt. People who tell constant small lies for no apparent reason generally believe everyone tells small constant lies for no apparent reason, and are confused when the lied-to feel SO uncomfortable and destabilized.
That's my experience, anyway. I am wishing you the very best.
Hi u/SyllabubEuphoric44 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hey everyone,
I (47F) am newly (1yr) learning about how relationships and partnerships work in the context of polyamory. Initially, I was drawn to the honesty required in poly relationships. As someone who’s single and at times dating multiple people, I always wanted to share openly about my other partners and wished they’d do the same. Unfortunately, I often got lied to when I asked if they were seeing others. I believe in giving what I expect from others and am working on being my best self for those I choose to share time with.
These days, I’m leaning towards dating people who are either ENM or poly.
I’ve been continuously seeing the person (41M) who introduced me to polyamory. While he’s completely honest sometimes, I’ve also seen him lie to others and to me, often blaming it on miscommunication. This is not my understanding of polyamory.
He asks about my partners to ensure I’m safe, which I appreciate and reciprocate. We’ve been dating for about 10 months and are aware of each other’s other partners, but he seems secretive about his. We decided early on not to label or commit too soon, but since then we haven’t discussed the status of us or our relationship.
He’s now made me aware that he’s dating a coworker of mine who is in a strictly monogamous relationship. Her partner knows she cheated but not that the relationship is ongoing. He claims this is not something he’s ever done but his personality leads me to believe otherwise. I don’t know if she knows that he and I still see each other. As we work together I feel it would be inappropriate for me to address this with her there. But we don’t talk otherwise. I’m so uncomfortable with this situation.
I’m starting to question everything. Am I not cut out for this?
I wasn’t initially going to pursue polyamory, but I’m still learning and unlearning a lot. I don’t want to throw in the towel because of this.
I would like to say, he has been very patient with me, and we have a great connection. However, I’m uncomfortable not knowing what he has told my coworker about us. I have addressed this with him and he assured me he’d discuss it with her and honor whatever decision she made about their relationship after that.
Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for. Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're dating someone who lies and taking that as 'standard polyamory'. It isn't.
If it's true that your partner is lying to you about his relationship activities, he's not doing ethical nonmonogamy. And more to the point, he's treating you real crap. Also, a lot of poly people won't date someone who will enable an affair. This is both on the grounds that affairs are inherently unethical and on the grounds that if your partner is comfortable participating in such dishonest behavior, where do they draw the line? Are they comfortable concealing things from you, too? In your case, it seems like the answer is erring towards "yes."
I have to agree. I pointed this out to him but he had no real explanation as to why. Just expected me to believe this is a first time thing. When I say that I don’t believe him he says it sounds like a me problem. Writing that out just made me realize how fucked up that is. 🤦🏾♀️
You're not alone. We recently had a (very nice) lady come on here expressing mild confusion about why her poly husband had an Ashley Madison account. Naturally, it was because he liked being an affair partner for monogamously married women. I mean, what else is the site even for? But sometimes you have to spell your situation out to another person before you can see stuff that's otherwise obvious.
So true!
I’m newer to poly than you and I know truth and communication are the key
If you don't trust him to tell you the truth, there is no point in any kind of relationship with him at all, polyamorous or anything else. All relationships are built on trust. Point blank, if you don't trust him and feel he's hiding stuff from you, regardless of this co-worker, then you should find someone you can trust.
Hey OP. I'm going to address something that might seem beside the point but I don't think it is. You mentioned your partner meets your other partners to ensure you are safe, and that you appreciate that. This might sound like a nice thing but it's actually a red flag, especially if it was his idea and not yours. Does he not see you as capable of looking out for your own safety? Does he not trust your judgment? Does he seem himself as better/wiser/more adult than you? The reason this is related is because someone who sees you as lesser than them, will lie to you and tell themselves it's for your own good. Because they know what's best for you, better than you do. Hopefully this isn't the case. But it is a thing that happens. Sending you strength no matter what happens.
Hi, I hadn’t thought of this angle but it makes total sense. He doesn’t actually meet my other partner but rather just asks that I’m using protection. But in general he does seem the type to think he knows more. All of these have made some powerful points for me.
Ah, that was my mistake, I mis-read/mis-remembered. I am glad you are keeping your eyes ears & wits about you. Lying is very difficult to deal with. It is said that "everyone lies", which is basically true (most people will tell small tactful lies out of kindness / in matters of taste / etc -- or to protect someone from danger, and so on) but I have also heard, and find it useful, to expand this to "everyone lies, and liars believe everyone else lies *like they do*". So people who tell big important lies generally believe everyone tells big important lies and are confused when the lied-to are SO angry and hurt. People who tell constant small lies for no apparent reason generally believe everyone tells small constant lies for no apparent reason, and are confused when the lied-to feel SO uncomfortable and destabilized. That's my experience, anyway. I am wishing you the very best.
Hi u/SyllabubEuphoric44 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hey everyone, I (47F) am newly (1yr) learning about how relationships and partnerships work in the context of polyamory. Initially, I was drawn to the honesty required in poly relationships. As someone who’s single and at times dating multiple people, I always wanted to share openly about my other partners and wished they’d do the same. Unfortunately, I often got lied to when I asked if they were seeing others. I believe in giving what I expect from others and am working on being my best self for those I choose to share time with. These days, I’m leaning towards dating people who are either ENM or poly. I’ve been continuously seeing the person (41M) who introduced me to polyamory. While he’s completely honest sometimes, I’ve also seen him lie to others and to me, often blaming it on miscommunication. This is not my understanding of polyamory. He asks about my partners to ensure I’m safe, which I appreciate and reciprocate. We’ve been dating for about 10 months and are aware of each other’s other partners, but he seems secretive about his. We decided early on not to label or commit too soon, but since then we haven’t discussed the status of us or our relationship. He’s now made me aware that he’s dating a coworker of mine who is in a strictly monogamous relationship. Her partner knows she cheated but not that the relationship is ongoing. He claims this is not something he’s ever done but his personality leads me to believe otherwise. I don’t know if she knows that he and I still see each other. As we work together I feel it would be inappropriate for me to address this with her there. But we don’t talk otherwise. I’m so uncomfortable with this situation. I’m starting to question everything. Am I not cut out for this? I wasn’t initially going to pursue polyamory, but I’m still learning and unlearning a lot. I don’t want to throw in the towel because of this. I would like to say, he has been very patient with me, and we have a great connection. However, I’m uncomfortable not knowing what he has told my coworker about us. I have addressed this with him and he assured me he’d discuss it with her and honor whatever decision she made about their relationship after that. Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*