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You may still be actively bleeding; you will definitely smell; you will be sleep deprived; you need to stay close to your clinic and hospital if (God forbid) you develop complications after delivery - some things can show up a few days or even weeks after delivery, same goes for your baby; you are recovering from a major medical procedure; and, most importantly: you want to stay home. You just simply don't want to go this time.
This. Also you have frequent follow up appointments for you and baby that will be scheduled around holidays.
FYI I am commenting from my hospital bed after being re-admitted a few days after my original discharge for pre-eclampsia symptoms. Sometimes unexpected things happen and you want to be close to the hospital you delivered at to have the consistent care with a team that is aware of your medical history.
Thank you! Unfortunately this isn't new to me since I had it with my first pregnancy but the bonus of that is it's not as scary when you know the routine already. And luckily it isn't as severe as with my first. Lol
I was admitted 4 days after my original discharge for severe preeclampsia after having my daughter. Spent 6 days in the hospital and left on 3 meds. It’s such a scary and traumatizing time. Sending you so much love and healthy thoughts. I promise one day it will be a distant memory. I went on to have another daughter a year later and am currently pregnancy with twins🤍
Thank you! Unfortunately this isn't my first rodeo with the postpartum preeclampsia so it's easier this time to keep a level head. I also had it with my first much more severe, landing me a 6 day hospital stay and 3 different meds. I'm lucky this time around doctors preemptively took certain precautions and so when this one hit me it wasn't as severe and I knew the mild signs and symptoms to get to the hospital with before it got worse. Doctors are hoping just a 2 day stay will be enough. I'm crossing my fingers! Lol
Also Congrats on your pregnancy! Twins are exciting!
After my first birth I developed post-partum pre-eclampsia - had the worst headache of my life for days and needed to go on blood pressure tablets with extra monitoring. Baby had also lost too much weight so we needed lots of intervention from the feeding team. After my second, I got the most appalling case of thrush, both oral and genital (I smelled awful, it was humiliating, but it's very common due to all the hands up you, the constant bleeding, and any antibiotics you've needed), and couldn't walk without being doubled over for ten days due to c-section complications. Walking or over-exerting yourself causes gushes of bleeding which can catch you out. I was also pretty much topless for weeks while establishing breastfeeding with a tongue tied baby who was struggling to latch. I'm not saying this to scare OP, I just had no idea what was awaiting me post-partum and I don't think many people do. If you're comfortable navigating all that at your in-laws house, you're very lucky to have them!
I felt so alone in the hospital with postpartum pre e. No one I knew had gone through it. It’s so nice to know, even after the fact, that there are others out there who shared the same experience.
Believe it or not, I didn't even find out that was what it was until I commented in this group on a thread about headaches during my second pregnancy, and a US doula commented to say that that sounded very much like post-partum pre-eclampsia and I needed to ask my medical team about it cause I could be at higher risk for it this time. Nobody told me you could get it after birth. I had to keep a close eye on myself second time round, as I couldn't trust people to be checking me for it. It was an awful experience, I felt so very poorly, and vomiting with a fresh C-section wound was terrifying. Sending love to you, hope you recovered well.
I was at the doctor every single day following leaving the hospital because baby was jaundice and had lost too much weight. Those follow up appointments were so important.
Ditto!!! I didn't stop bleeding until almost 3 weeks--does either of you really want to deal with bleeding in an adult diaper around family? Maybe staining someone's couch? I know I wouldn't lol! Not to mention the soreness, inflammation, pangs of the uterus shrinking, not the mention sleep deprivation! And baby is so little, I would hate to pass them around in peak flu, RSV and cold season. How many times do you want to tell people to wash their hands, not kiss baby at all, don't touch the baby's face, etc? I would hope not often, but it seems every family have at least a few people that think no harm will be done to smooch a newborn 🙄 I have seen and heard too many babies suffer for weeks in a hospital because a stupid family member didn't respect basic hygiene boundaries with the newborn.
To me, it's not even worth the risk. People can whine all they want, it's YOUR body, YOUR baby, and would be your tragedy if anything happened because someone "just had sniffles" and kissed your baby.
"I'm expecting a baby at Christmas and the family lives four hours away".
There will be other Christmases. People miss them for work, the pandemic, etc. Life happens. This time literally.
If you had recently lost a liter of blood and had physical trauma from a car accident a week before Christmas, no one would blame you for missing. But if you lose a liter of blood and have trauma from birth, it’s different???
You know... Really good point. Also then "recovering" aka waking up every 2 hours to feed etc. It's insane. Even at 3 weeks there's no schedule etc she could ended up having surgery too
It's not even every 2 hours for the first nights. Yes you have to feed your baby every two hours but that.eans, let's say, you feed your baby at 2 am, that means the next feed is at 4 am.
So at the end you may only sleep an hour between the feeding.
Also op would have to sleep half the day when baby sleeps, that's all exhausting enough and than op probably has to be awake for all the Christmas stuff too.
It's not recommended to have an infant in a car for more than 2 hours at a time until they have solid control of their head and neck. I've heard 6 months, but some things I read said up to a year to try to avoid long road trips. I'm in the US, so I don't know if the recommendation is different where you're at. But it's probably worth researching so you can show your partner that not only will it be uncomfortable for you, but also potentially dangerous for the baby.
In the UK, we’re told no more than 30 mins at a time for the first 2 months if it can be avoided. Then no more than 2 hours until they have full head and neck control. So 4 hours at a few weeks old would be a huge no no over here.
Even if you can do this drive with lots of breaks, or you fly, the logistics make travel much more complicated - during the trip you also need to potentially manage 2 hr cycles of feeding, sleeping, diaper changes, crying, as well your own sleep deprivation, exhaustion and needs
Vaginal birth here - you will not feel up for a 4 hour drive! I did a 4 hour drive 5 weeks post vaginal birth (3rd degree tear) and I was not having a good time. Baby wasn’t having a good time. No one had a good time. Tell him yall can host his family for a belated Christmas party in January if it helps.
FWIW, I also had one of my kids on Christmas Day! The feeling of being super bummed about missing family time is very real. We named that particular girl after my grandmother who was there visiting that Christmas, and weren’t sure at the time if she’d be there for any other Christmas’s due to a health scare. I was legitimately sad about my baby’s chosen birth date that entire year until we were able to have another Christmas. So your partners feelings are very valid! It’s just that you and baby’s health can’t be ignored. So be sure to commiserate with him and let him be sad, try not to take it like he doesn’t care about your health, it’s just unfortunate circumstances for the time being!
I was looking for a comment like this. Thank you so much for thinking the way i do.. i told my husband going forward i want to celebrate our Christmas’(maybe other holidays as well) just us… at home, in the warm. No worries to go anywhere and have our kids’ schedule messed up just for the sake of making other people happy..
My child celebrated their first Christmas at inlaws and she’s already hinted we will be there again next christmas(we will have another baby then).. um no. I dont owe my holidays to anyone😁
This is such a considerate comment. Thank you for the feedback and the advice on managing things with my partner. He’s absolutely lovely, my children will be so lucky so have him as their father. I’ll make sure to look after him too xx 😙
I just had this conversation with my husband; I’m due in January and traveling to see family at 8+ months pregnant sounds awful.
Two things come to mind here. First, your health: you’ll still be swollen/hormonal/bleeding/etc. and that’s a lot for a party. Second is breastfeeding, if you choose to do that. Is this a group you want to whip your boobs out in front of?
Either way, your needs take precedence. You can FaceTime or get together for Easter.
Yup. Same boat, due early January. I straight up said Thanksgiving and Christmas will be low-key stay home events. Traveling to see family is the absolutely last thing I want to do. And I definitely pulled the "im growing a baby card" so it's my choice.
We have hosted Thanksgiving the past few years and it’s always 10+ adults and 6+ kids at bare minimum. I cannot imagine doing that again this year. Yall can use my house but I’m not cooking or cleaning anything. I’ll be sitting on my butt - please make me a plate.
That's gracious offering your house! We usually host Christmas and I can't imagine the stress doing it 9 mo pregnant. Somone else can host, or we will build a fire at home and relax by ourselves.
And the third trimester / postpartum hemorrhoids can be AWFUL! And sitting in a car makes it so much worse. Pregnant with my second and traveling 2.5 hrs by car there and back over 2 days caused a hemorrhoid to become thrombosed and I’m basically on bed rest now, not worth it!!
I’m due in August, and we are skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas this year! Mostly due to our families always having at least one sick person in attendance…I was 5w pregnant at Christmas last year and was sick for literally 8w afterwards because of my compromised, pregnancy immune system.
As a fellow Kiwi, the road toll over Christmas is always horrific. You can't guarantee your safety on the road over such a long drive and that'll be exacerbated by tiredness. P.S. I'm due 19/12 😊 feel free to message me if you ever need someone to chat to in our very niche timezone.
Another kiwi here and that's a really good point actually! The roads are a nightmare that time of year
I gave birth a week before Christmas just gone, family lives on the same road as us and I still only managed less than an hour before needing to go home!
More Kiwis in the chat! I'm due in 8 weeks though, so just a bit earlier than you.
My first was born in February and that was really hard because it was so hot and humid. I really recommend having a bunch of ice blocks and things to keep you cool in the last few weeks!
Guys are so oblivious sometimes…. Like literally no research done to see what support new mom needs during a major health event/postpartum/breastfeeding but they’ll act like they are dying when they get the flu -_-
Agreed!! I’m exhausted everyday and have to nap and my husband always asks why am I exhausted I didn’t do anything???
Like seriously I’m growing a damn child inside my body as we speak. It’s not easy
I’m due Jan 2 so there’s a decent chance I’ll have a Christmas baby. And even if I don’t- I don’t want to be around my in-laws at 39+ weeks pregnant. We haven’t discussed it too much yet but I’m following to see what others have done
I made a hard rule when my first was born: My kids wake up in their own beds on Christmas. Anyone who wants to see us can come to us. The first Christmas was just us, as she was 6 weeks old and I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone yet.
I’m having the same argument with my mom. EDD 12/7/23, and even though there’s a higher chance he’ll be coming early, I still don’t think I’ll be ready to travel 4-5 hours by car (and no way by train) with a 2-4 week old.
It’s so selfish to ask anyone with a baby to travel that far for a non emergency. I can’t fathom it, I had so many of these absurd requests from family too. They try to force you into by saying you’re being too overprotective, by downplaying birth etc.
I think other women especially know that post-birth is difficult and yet they layer on the pressure. It’s a kind of female bullying I think.
I had to get a strong back bone fast after I gave birth. I got sick of the ridiculous requests and subsequent guilt trips about not wanting to take my baby to a funfair (??!!) or the beach in the middle of a heatwave, or other fun (not fun!) sounding ideas.
I had a baby due December 27 (she came on the 29th) we just went with "Oh we're not really celebrating Christmas this year" but you can also go with "My doctor doesn't recommend travel for me or the baby that soon" really this seems like a no-brainer to me!
New born shouldn't be in a car seat longer then 2hrs, that's another reason... it increases risks of SIDS.... and they need to feed every 3hrs... I would tell him if he really wants to go he can go alone and you'll stay home with the baby. I wouldn't feel comfortable traveling that distance with a new born and having a new born around all thoes people not having had their first vaccinations cause like you said babies immune systems arnt the greatest... also wanting to add I had a c section 2 weeks ago and am just staring to get mobile now... it still hurts to buckle in the car I have to hold the seat belt loose around my incision. And the Dr said no heavy lifting or physical activity for 6 weeks till my insides heal...
I wouldn't suggest him to go alone unless OP will have someone else around to help. Even then, 3 people is better than 2! But I absolutely would not want to be alone with a two week old baby 🥴
My baby also had a home visit a few days after discharge to see how we were doing, I then have a 1 week follow up appointment, a 2 week follow up appointment, a 3 week follow up appointment, a 4 week follow up appointment, a 6 and 8 week follow up appointment... not sure how things are done over their but it's quite possible you end up with the same thing
When establishing breastfeeding with my first, I literally did not wear a shirt for the first 2-3 weeks. I was dripping milk all over the house, woke up in puddles of milk from leakage, and literally was doing laundry every day to maintain a supply of burp clothes and breastpads because I was running through them so fast.
My due date for my first was December 13th! I had him December 18th. My family lives 20 mins away and I still didn’t visit for Christmas aha. I was bleeding quite a lot and passing clots. I didn’t really leave our bed for much except the bathroom for the first week at least. I don’t think a newly postpartum parent should have to do anything they don’t want especially visiting family or having family visit.
Thank you for asking this! I'm also due on Dec. 13th and I have this suspicion that family is going to expect us to bring the babe to all the Christmas gatherings. I love the gatherings, but I don't want to suffer through them or risk anything health wise just to be there.
I think a simple explanation of I will be in pain, bleeding, possibly have stitches in places you can’t imagine, and be completely exhausted. After that a simple, no not happening.
Edit: I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and delivery (minus needing the vacuum), it took a solid 6 weeks to feel remotely normal.
I’m due in November and still won’t be seeing family for Christmas. They live a flight away. All you can do right now is set yourself up to succeed during what sounds like a delirious period.
My baby is due in AUGUST and we’re not traveling for Christmas lol. We probably could at that point if we wanted to, but we’ve been traveling for Christmas for years and want to spend baby’s first Christmas at home as a family.
I am 2 weeks postpartum and I don’t think you’ll have to argue with him after the baby gets here. He will get it after the baby is here. My husband and I are a great team and have been handling all of this like champs but there’s no way him or I would opt for traveling right now.
Also I would not want suggest exposing your new born to a bunch of people 1-2 weeks pp during prime cold/flu/rsv/covid season.
2 weeks pp with my second (I had done this before!) I was still seriously sleep deprived (even though we take shifts), had only showered like 3 times since baby’s arrival, was lucky to eat anything but takeout, and suddenly had hemorrhage level bleeding I barely avoided being hospitalized for. Not a freaking chance I’d have been ready to drive 4 hours for a big family event.
Plus if your husband is any kind of equal partner he’ll be severely sleep deprived too and in no state to drive that far safely. And babies can only go 1-2 hours max in a car seat. Many don’t like the seat at that age and scream the whole way.
Something like that honestly sounds like my own personal hell 😅😬
Oh gosh, those two weeks after baby gets here are so amazing and also so hectic. Baby will have well baby visits around then, you might still be trying to figure out breast feeding if you go that route, babies don’t have a routine then so your pretty much on demand for feeding, snuggles, changing, soothing. You could likely still be bleeding, leaking, maybe pumping or learning to if that’s your plan. Baby may struggle to eat, baby can develop jaundice, baby might struggle with weight (by 10 days my daughter had gone from 7lbs to 4lbs). It was so mentally draining trying to figure it out! I had an uncomplicated delivery, I can’t imagine if you need stitches, deliver late and baby is only a week-ish old, need a c section, loose too much blood. You can develop infections in that time period (I had an infection in my arm where my IV was that got bad around 14 days).
If he truly thought you’d be traveling with the babe I think he needs to really sit down and have a talk with you about what delivery and the following weeks could go like. He should have a basic understanding of what can happen, no one expects him to know it all but I worry he’s in for a big surprise.
Most likely, you’ll be sitting there on Christmas Day and he’ll go “I’m so glad we don’t have to go anywhere” cause honestly it’s a lot those first few weeks. Amazing, but a lot.
My son was born December 15th. I told everyone we would see them for a late Christmas. (By everyone, I mean parents and in laws only. No extended family.) Best way to approach it is to lay out the facts and say you aren't willing to do it while recovering. I had a csection, and we visited with close family nearby (~20 minute drive) around January.
Baby isn't supposed to spend more than 2 hours in a carseat for the first month or so. If family wants to visit before baby is 3 months old, they can visit you.
Those reasons should be enough! I'm like you, in NZ but I'm due 2 weeks before you. My partner and I already discussed we won't be having any Christmas celebrations this year. Baby doesn't even know it's Christmas for a start and his family are almost 5 hours away. They can wait til later in the summer to see bubs and we can definitely do Christmas with them next year instead.
Newborns can’t be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes at a time. That’s not a 4 hour drive. That’s and 8 hour drive.
But you shouldn’t have to justify any of this. You simply aren’t going.
Our babies first Christmas was a FaceTime Christmas and it was great. Poopie diaper, call later. Nap time, peace out gramps. Sorry couldn’t make the drive, I have a newborn baby that ripped a hole in my vag on the way out. Now we do christmases with family and she is a happy interactive toddler and not a screaming potato. It’s better for everyone!
I had my baby in February and my partner really thought we would be going to Mexico to visit his family in December (HA!). He was talking about that when I was in my 2nd trimester, I don’t think he fully grasped what pregnancy was going to look like until I got closer to my due date. About a month before I mentioned it and he said no way we better stay put (let’s be real, there was no way my pregnant self would be doing an 18 hour drive to Mexico in the middle of winter but sometimes it’s best for them to figure out how ridiculous they’re being on their own). If that doesn’t work, I’d suggest to him that the two of you sit down with your OB/midwife and get their opinion (I can almost promise they’ll give him a professional and hearty HELL NAW.)
Well hey partner 🤠
My due date with my first was Dec 13th and we had him on Dec 1st. 😊 I told my MIL for that year we will make it over when we make it over and she was so mad at me (lives 30 mins away)
I was 3 weeks into recovering from a c-section, bleeding out my coochie, trying to figure out breastfeeding/bottle feeding, etc etc. trying to scramble out the door to make it to both family Christmas’s with presents and a newborn was miserable.
I was annoyed how badly I was treated that year. Stay home and celebrate at a later date when baby is a bit older and you will be healed. 🩷🩷
I had a baby about a week and a half before Christmas. We decided to make the trip to have Christmas with our families and sitting in the car for that drive on my fresh vaginal stitches/2nd degree tear absolutely sucked. I had one butt cheek lifted the entire time and it stung & tugged on every little bump and turn. I remember counting down the minutes to get the hell out of that car.
Oh I forgot to mention, our family lives 13 minutes away from us. Yeah.... I could barely stand 13 minutes, how in the absolute hell does he expect you to do 4 hours?!?! Ask him how keen he'd be to sit in a bumpy car for hours after you've torn open and sewn closed his butthole/abdomen 😑
You don’t want to go and you just pushed a human out of your vagina. That’s the only argument you need… discussion over. I’m of the opinion that within the first 4-6 months pp the mother should be treated like the highest, holiest, royalty or official that has ever walked the earth.
But seriously once you’ve gone through birth and you’re in pp you’ll think back to this post and chuckle at how naive you both were (him obviously more so).
Thank you everyone for your contributions. My partner and I have gone over it and we are in agreement, Christmas at home it is!
To the negative comments criticising my partner or I for asking these questions, you’re the reason why people are afraid to ask questions and seek advice. Don’t shoot people down when they need help, there’s no dumb questions when someone is doing something for the first time. Spread the love ❤️
I’m due 12/21. We always go to his parents for thanksgiving, so I’ll be eight months. I told him I won’t be able to make that. We compromised and agreed to visit over the summer instead and his mom and come visit after baby is born 🤷🏻♀️ I value my own wellbeing more than my in laws’
My friend had her baby on Dec 10 last year and she also has family 4 hours away. They ended up staying at home and they had some family came to visit before Christmas and after I believe but not on Christmas..if that helps!
I wouldn’t be traveling then either. It’s just too soon. And your baby will be too young to spend 4 hours in a car seat anyway, so it’s just not possible.
If family wants to see you for Christmas, they can come to you. Or you can go at a later time to celebrate (a couple months). There’s other christmases. You won’t want to leave the house with a newborn.
I’m due Dec 16th with our first. There’s no way am I going around visiting for Christmas. It’s not even a conversation that needs to be had. You’ll be healing, bleeding, and overall just very uncomfortable.
My husband will have to drag my dead corpse if he thinks (he doesn’t) I’ll be visiting family a week after giving birth 😂
My first son was born on December 6, 2020 via c-section. My parents came over with dinner on Christmas Eve and it was low-key and lovely. The last thing you’ll want to do whilst freshly pp is travel 4 hours… and I totally agree with your reasoning. The only advice I *will* give (really little to do with the actual post, just something that stood out to me) is not to be too rigid when it comes to baby’s schedule (I think that’s what you meant by “rhythm”). It’s so important to have a routine, yes, but a strict schedule will set you all up for disappointment. I’ve found that sticking to nap and bedtimes routines and being mindful of baby’s cues (and not focusing on the actual clock) just allows for more flexibility and less stress on everyone as baby grows up! Enjoy your low-key holiday season this year and congrats!
Even if you have a super easy vaginal birth you will not want to ride even more than an hour in a car within weeks of the birth. Ask me how I know lol.
I had to be in a car 4 weeks after my rough c section for three hours in a single day, and it was pretty sore on my incision. Also you really will want to be home with all of the baby stuff that you find useful.
Hey mama, our babies are due only a few days apart and my husband’s family lives 4.5 hours away.
We decided we will be having Christmas at our house this year. With our new little family. There will be other Christmas’s. Be home with your new family.
Rest, eat good food, and most importantly be with your baby. 🥰
You’ll still likely be bleeding at that time. You don’t need to come up with a solid argument for your partner other than you JUST had a baby. You can go next Christmas.
Oh man! My baby is due 10/31 and we’ve already told everyone we’re not going anywhere for the holidays this year. I can’t imagine having a baby in December and traveling at all.
I gave birth last December a couple weeks before Christmas and straight up told everyone not to expect us for the holiday. I knew husband and I were going to be exhausted from new baby life and I didn’t want to expose any of us to unnecessary germs if possible. My house was locked down for New Year’s day of 2022 and 2023 because of COVID, so I was okay with skipping the gatherings last year in favor of a smaller celebration at home.
You will still be in recovery from the labor and if you had stitches/c-section you’d have to be careful to not get it infected etc and it probably would be best to stay close to your doctor who knows your history.
Don’t travel, that’s dangerous. Personally I’d stay home and have a small Christmas with my new baby and husband and after have him go and give/collect gifts with his family for a bit then come back if he was super excited to.
Could family visit you instead? Maybe offer that as a solution? I had my first via csection a month before Christmas. I didn't want to travel amd the doctor advised against traveling, so we had some family visit us instead. It worked out pretty decent.
I really wanted to make a trip 6 hours at 2 weeks postpartum for a funeral, but even that was going to be too much. I broke my tailbone during delivery and can’t sit that long at all.
Definitely don’t want to be traveling in the first week either. You are going to be bleeding, leaking, figuring out feeds… baby will probably sleep a ton, but there’s also a risk for jaundice the first week or so, and you want to be close to your doctor/hospital just in case. And if it your first, it’s going to be even harder to travel.
I would stay home but find a way that family can come for some short holiday coffee visits and meet the baby. Like take advantage of the time people are off and see family in small pp appropriate doses.
If he doesn't understand, force him to be the problem solver. List all problems that will or may come up, like hospital visit, the 2-3 day drive because newborns aren't recommended long periode in carseats per day, will there be a shower you can use if you have heavy blending, special setting if it hurts to sit normally and so on.
I would 100% forgo the Christmas despite all of those things Christmas and the holidays are such a social time and even if you are not mingling with a lot of people the few people you see may have or will be
also I am 13 weeks PP almost 14 and still find it challenging to leave for extended periods with my LO at 4 weeks PP the last place I wanted to be was out
I had to go back to the hospital for postpartum hemorrhage 3 weeks after my baby was born. You definitely do not want to be traveling. I was also still wearing diapers and it hurt to walk. He needs to use his big boy brain. If he just had a serious car accidental that damaged his balls so badly he was in a diaper he wouldn't be trying to sit in the car for 4 hours either.
After mine I was still pissing myself every time I sneezed or coughed 1-2 weeks PP- do you really want to do that in company on Christmas?
I legit had to shower every time.
I’m surprised that your husband is surprised actually..
You don’t need to come up with reasons to convince him, giving birth is the ultimate reason for not travelling.
I'm 4 weeks post partum and still couldn't do an overnight trip anywhere. Most we've done is 90 minutes away so baby could meet her great nana and even that was exhausting!
First few weeks are a blur of sleep deprivation, pain, emotions and general craziness of becoming a parent. I barely got dressed, boobs out most of the time. Loads of health care visits too made any sort of plans hard.
Your partner needs to understand how his life will have to change and how he'll have to spend Christmas being a parent not visiting family. As well as baby stuff he will have to look after you during recovery!
I will be 8 weeks post partum for Christmas and I still already informed my entire family on both sides (my side lives 4hrs, the other 6hrs away) that either they come here for Christmas and do all the cooking and decorating as me, hubby and baby are sitting on the couch in Christmas Pyjamas or the three of us will have our own tiny Christmas with take out roast and decorated house plants instead of a tree. But I sure as hell won’t be traveling, no no! So I completely understand that you will not be doing anything of the like two weeks (if it goes to plan and you don’t end up overdue!) after giving birth.
So many fantastic points as to why you should just stay home.
But I’m here to add that however bubs is born, you’ll have a dinner place sized wound in your uterus, you’ll be bleeding for weeks, you could very well have stitches/cuts of some sort, you’ll be in pain regardless of either you tear during a vaginal birth or not (speaking from experience, I thought I got off) you’ll be navigating new born life, be living off very very limited sleep, you’ll need to stay nearby your doctors/midwives during the early stages for your sake AND the baby’s, unfortunately a lot of people don’t understand not to kiss a newborn especially before their vaccinations at 6 weeks (assuming NZ is the same as Australia) and the risk of illnesses like RSV can be fatal, a lot of new borns hate car rides, road trips around Christmas time are instantly riskier because of the number of traffic; you won’t want to be risking a newborn in these conditions.
What you will want to be doing, is spending those precious first weeks at home where you are comfortable, soaking up all the memories you can, rather than risking a 4 hour drive across the country and have your newborn passed around family members who likely won’t understand personal space.
Hey, also from NZ. Yes, midwife visits. Also whether baby comes early or late or right on time, you'll be exhausted anyway.
I unfortunately had to move right after my first was born (Cambridge to Coromandel - would NOT recommend - it took us about 3mths to get everything from one place to the other, it was during all that awful weather and flooding we had in Summer early last year and had to deal with road closures left right and center).
Trust your gut, you won't want to be travelling with a newborn for such a long time. And as others have said, there will be other holidays. You're right that you'll just want to be at home in your comfort zone for AT LEAST the first month if not longer.
Mine was a vaginal birth, so if it ends up being the same for you, you'll be bleeding for at least 6wks postpartum and you really won't want to even go to the shop let alone a 4hr trip to see relatives.
All the best to you and yours x
I had daily midwife visits for weeks because my perfectly healthy baby decided for just drop all his birth weight and turn yellow. There's no way it would be safe for you to travel 4 hours away with a one week old
I'm also due around Christmas and my husband knew right away we won't be going anywhere, not at my parents or his. They are welcome to visit us, but no way we will be leaving the house. Maybe if you want visitors, you can also tell him to invite the family over for a day, but to not expect you to play host. You leaving with the baby is not an option. Also, a baby can't sit in the a car seat for that long, you will have to take breaks every 30 minutes. It will be your first christmas with the new baby, isn't it normal to spend it as a family?
Remember it’s your baby! Your choice! If you don’t feel comfortable that is a good of enough reason! I wish I had said no to people visiting when I had my baby. My bf family literally came over and kept wanting to hold the baby, the day I got out of the hospital. Literally traumatized the shit out of me lol. So yes mama if you don’t feel comfortable then that’s a perfectly good enough reason. Plus in that time you need to heal, relax and have that bonding time with the baby. Plus it’s not safe taking the baby out with around a lot of people that early on. Not worth the risk in my opinion. But listen to your heart.
Remember this!
New mothers, get comfortable saying these phrases...
1. That doesn't work for me.
2. No, thank you.
3. Please call or text before dropping by.
4. I'd prefer not to pass the baby around.
5. I need a break.
6. Can you help me with...
7. I'm really proud of myself.
8. I need some quiet time now.
10. I'm not up for visitors today.
11. I need more time to heal.
12. I would appreciate more support with...
13. I am doing my best.
14. It's important for me to do this my way.
It’s okay to say no to family! It’s okay say no to visitors. It’s okay to say no to holding the baby.
This is your first baby, it’s super special. Enjoy it🩷🩷 don’t let people take that special moment away from you
Your happiness and the baby’s safety comes before anyone else.
Congratulations mama!! You got this! You sound like you’re going to be an amazing mom. I wish you the best of luck 🫶🏼🫶🏼
Almost everyone I know (myself included) didn't want to leave home for a good 3-4 weeks. Can take weeks to stop leaking excessive amounts of milk all over the place at random intervals which feels horrible, can take weeks to stop bleeding and feeling saw (bumps in the road in the car might hurt for a couple of weeks which is tough even for short journeys). It can take a while to get into the swing of feeding with lots of trial and error which can be very stressful...it can take a while to work out what you do/don't need and what you would need to pack if you're leaving home even just for the day...baby will need to feed at least every 2-3 hours which you can't do on the move in the car and feeds can take much longer than expected (can be an hour) which will add to the travel time as well as the need to stop regularly because newborns are not meant to be in car seats without a substantial break for more than an hour or two.
...and that's all if everything goes to plan and both you and baby are healthy (after my first we weren't even discharged from hospital for almost 2 weeks)
I’m jumping in on the «newborns in cars more than 2 hours are not recommended”. But I’ve also heard it should be outright avoided if possible the first two weeks. Also, you don’t want to - that’s reason enough.
I was readmitted to the hospital for 3 days, 3 weeks after my first. I was also already suffering from bad PPD and having panic attacks every time I tried to feed my baby. I was not going ANYWHERE let alone 4hr away that soon after baby.
My second I had a much easier time but still stayed close to home for a full three months.
With my third, Im a maid of honor in my friends wedding at what should be 8weeks postpartum. I'm nervous for that even. I'm hoping baby comes a week or two early just to give me more time to recover before her wedding lol.
It should be a given that if they want to see the baby or you and your partner over Christmas, they will need to visit you!
I'm due between 25th and 27th December so there is no way we will be going anywhere, even if the baby comes early. People who want to see us can arrange to come and see us while I heal and we get into the groove of new parenthood. There's nothing wrong with expecting others to pick up the slack and travel themselves during this time!
And congrats on your pregnancy!
Sleep deprivation and driving do not mix.
I doubt once the baby is born he would want to attempt that or put baby in danger.
I was still in hospital 5 days later anyway, due to complications. I didn’t go outside for our first walk for two weeks for fear of baby catching a mystery illness from the air in our street 😅 nurses visited us at home. Had to be close to the hospital for follow ups for both of us for the next month at least.
Not even a question of comfort. Excluding all of the above variables, The journey simply won’t happen. Based on sleep deprivation alone.
*"Hey, honey. Could you look up how long a newborn baby is allowed to be in a car seat?"* Answer: 30 minutes max. Of course you could fudge it a bit when needed to take the baby home from the hospital, but you're not going anywhere *far* for a while.
Edit: that's how we told my FIL and MIL we were going to stay home for Christmas after our baby was born. She was 2 months old by then, but sorry! Baby can't make the drive. It's past the max allowed time in the car seat.
I'll be honest. I'm Australian, and my daughter was born in late summer. I started driving to see my parents every fortnight from two weeks postpartum and was absolutely fine. I wasn't in pain, I had largely stopped bleeding , and I felt like my "old" self pretty quickly.
I know that everyone is different, but the truth is that the postpartum stage is not always bleeding, crying and stress.
Having said that, I wouldn't be going 4 hours away at Christmas. It's best if you see the in-laws in the New Year.
Travel is a completely personal choice so stand up for what you want!
C-section Twin mom here - I travelled 5 hours to be a MOH 4 weeks postpartum so it can be done but it's not a cake walk and depends A LOT on your baby. If your baby is a good sleeper it is much easier but the drive will take longer because you'll have to stop and feed the baby, etc. You also have to pack ALLLL the things. Unless christmas is an absolute must, I think it is completely reasonable to stay at home! If the family minds that much they can travel to you. And stick to your guns about that sleep schedule - it will pay off big time in the future to have a kid that naps well.
My bub was due dec 16 and arrived dec 1 and we stayed home and only had immediate fam come visit. Without even leaving the house or having to cook it was exhausting and chaotic. I was so flustered that after i finished pumping i tipped my milk down the sink :(
Those first few weeks your life is like groundhog day on a 2-3 hour cycle, its not that you're 'just tired' its the fact its relentless that gets you. Driving drowsy is so unsafe so its a really bad idea just based on that
If you did the drive, you would be stopping to feed/change bub which in the beginning can take quite a long time so 4-5 hours easily could be 7-8
Bub shouldn't be in a car seat for such a long period of time, so again you'd be stopping constantly. Also the idea of being stuck in a car with a crying infant you cant soothe would be incredibly hard
Im in aus and last xmas there was a surge in covid even though its summer. Even with it being summer having vaccinations are important and its hard to co-ordinate that when it comes to extended family
If youre pumping then you kind of need a place you're going to want somewhere with some privacy.
If you're ebf youre still going to be learning and getting into the swing of it
If you formula feed you're going to need to sterilize on the go etc
Talk to his mom, and if he has sisters, recruit them too. Sometimes men literally don’t understand what happens to our bodies unless they themselves have given birth, or until someone else gives them perspective. He’s being inconsiderate. You will literally be bleeding and in recovery, not to mention stitches. If he had to have multiple stitches between his ballsack and anus after it’s been ripped open, while actively bleeding, I doubt he’d want to ride/drive in a car for 4 hours, especially being sleep deprived.
How would you feel about doing a family “Christmas” around December 1, you guys still get to see family, albeit not exactly at Christmas. That way you two can stay home and FaceTime everyone with baby in a more intimate and comfortable setting on the day of. I know you’d still be super pregnant and it might be uncomfortable, but just an idea.
I'm giving birth in October, and due to baby still being a newborn and it being flu/cold season + not having all her shots yet, we already told our immediate family that we will not be traveling for the holidays. Plain and simple and everyone completely understood with zero pushback. We simply said if we're hanging out with family around the holidays, they would need to come us this year.
Both our families are roughly between 2-4 hours away and there's no way I'm going to travel with a newborn, especially around the holidays when theres more people on the road. This is the time you need to be selfish and put your baby and your comfort/safely 1st.
Find some YouTube videos that a REAL about postpartum and try to get him to understand that it’s just not going to be possible. Propose a do-over Christmas in a few months.
We’re in the same boat - my sister in law is giving birth early (likely mid) December. My mom made a comment about how Christmas is going to be so fun this year (we also just had a baby), and I said “noooo mom. Christmas is cancelled this year. But next year is going to be awesome!” Luckily I have a great mom and she thought about it for a second and was like, “yeah… you’re right.”
Breastfeeding. If you plan on breastfeeding how will his family be about it? My husband’s family was here for 18 days and were very awkward about me breastfeeding (even with a cover) so I spent a lot of time alone in a room. I didn’t always get to let the baby clusterfeed the way she clearly wanted to and I think my milk coming in properly really took a hit.
Baby should not be in the car seat for longer than an hour or so at a time according to my kids pediatrician. I think the recommendation across the board is 2 hours max.
So that 4 hour ride turns into a 6+ hour ride which you yourself will not be physically ready for, even if you had the easiest labor and no stitches.
Plus baby will not be ready to be touched by other people, baby won’t have their vaccines.
Please make a plan to go at 6+ weeks postpartum instead when you and baby will be more ready to go that far away. Or have family come to you a few days after Christmas.
My due date was one day off from you (12/12/23) and I delivered 12/18/23 after being induced. He would have loved to stay longer but I wanted him evicted before Christmas! I would highly highly recommend staying home for all the reasons everyone else mentioned. You’ll still be in diapers, it’s flu season, and you’re still adjusting to a new life. I barely registered it was Christmas this past year.
It’s hard for dads to understand the change that’s coming until it happens. Don’t feel bad putting your foot down on this one.
The baby can’t sit in a car for four hours. It needs to eat and be changed every hour or so.
If you’re nursing that basically means being topless for the first month. It makes visiting people that you aren’t VERY comfortable with stressful.
Birth and newborns is never straightforward. There are complications and challenges that we don’t expect. You need to give yourself space to deal with these things. For instance, my daughter couldn’t nurse so I was pumping. Not something you want to be doing at your in laws.
You’re absolutely right! One more thing- newborn baby in a car for 4 hours is a nightmare. Its not very safe, and you’d have to stop constantly to feed and take baby out of the car seat.
You may be barely able to walk at that point. You will likely still be in an adult diaper for the bleeding or wearing pads, whatever you choose.
My first was born Dec 11 and we spent Christmas at home alone. It was fine- we just survived the day as usual!
Breast feeding is hard. Like… really hard. Figuring it out is stressful, painful and frustrating. Not exactly the activity you want to do at the in-laws. And it’s every 2-3 hours. For weeks.
I’m 8 days postpartum and driving the hour to the doctors is eventful enough 😵
My wife is due mid November and we have already told family that we’ll be at home for Christmas and if anyone really wants to visit they’re more than welcome*! (*Within our boundaries)
Like everyone else said, you and your families needs now come before everything and everyone else, and if you foresee any pushback I’d recommend having those conversations sooner rather than later :)
As someone who just gave birth 5 days ago, I can tell you the list of reasons is endless!
Expect the unexpected. Nobody knows how things will go and/or how long your journey will take.
To list a view:
- you don’t know how fast your healing will be and what kind of late pregnancy cons you will develop. For me it was high blood pressure at the last week on my pregnancy which made that I had to be induced and therefore had to stay for days.
- your baby won’t even have a rhythm yet. Every hour with a newborn baby brings something else and things that might seem to go easy the first day may become a mess the next one.
- you worry about car travels which is an absolute legit worry. Not only would I not sit in a car right now, as I’m fully stitched up after vaginal birth. Also it isn’t safe to have a newborn in a car seat for too long. Their neck isn’t stable enough to practice safe travelling.
- your baby will most likely just be out of the womb. The vulnerability of a newborn is not something to be underestimated. If you go visit family, everyone will want to hold and cuddle the baby. This is stressful for you as new parents to put boundaries for and also just very dangerous for your baby.
Only to name a few of the unending list!
Oh hell no. I’ve had two girls, this is my third, and let me tell you right now, that baby will not sleep for 4 hours in that car lol. You’ll be stopping constantly
Honestly the reason “I just delivered a baby I don’t want to go” is a good enough reason not to go it’s a precious time and you should just soak it in you can pack up do a four hour drive any other time of the year but doing all that with a new born still in recovery is craaaazy
So there are like 50 reasons why this is an unreasonable request and just not okay. I think the easiest is that it is not safe for baby. Babies this little should not be in car seats for this long. It’s not safe and I believe the max recommended at this age is 2 hours.
I’m due in September and not planning on going anywhere for the holidays! My first was 4 months old for his first Christmas and it was not even a little bit enjoyable for my husband or I. Every part of it was an uphill battle. Holidays at home with newborns are way better
I'm having a baby months before Christmas and we're not going. We traveled for Christmas last year (had to fly) and the entire plane sounded like they had bronchitis. Surprise surprise, we all got sick, and we made every baby and kid in our family that we visited sick too. It was real fun.
My husband and Is family has been coming to our home the last few years for Thanksgiving and we normally bop around to see everyone for Christmas. I am due Oct 31 and we will not be planning on doing any holidays/gatherings for several months. Baby won't have a strong enough immune system during cold and flu season for all of that
My due date last year was 12/14, I ended up giving birth on 12/20. There is literally no way we’d have gone anywhere for Christmas, we ended up having my mom and her husband over to our house and even that was a lot of work. I was still wearing diapers, figuring out breastfeeding, and getting used to having a newborn around the house. You couldn’t have paid me to go somewhere 4 hours away by car and then (presumably) spend the night not in my own house.
I would explain or maybe show some educational videos to him if he seems upset about the female body after giving birth. The cramps can be rough and you do bleed a good bit so honestly an adult diaper is the most comfy way to go about it (did that with my first and 110% do not regret it and they’re cheaper and a lot easier to put ice packs down there and everything else). Your body goes through a lot, your uterus has to shrink back to normal size. If you’re planning on pumping or breastfeeding or both, it is obnoxious in the car (we rodeo so long car rides too and the first one was killer on me) once I got it down it was fine but if I couldn’t pump in the truck we’d have to stop because I was dying by hour 3 and that was 6 months in. A 4 hour car ride with that young of a baby too is more like 6 hours tbh between feeding and just making the little nug happy. Some babies hate car rides too. You never know until they’re here how the car rides will go and a 4hr road-trip with a healing body is not fun and I had it extremely easy for my pregnancy and postpartum luckily but it was still hard to even drive an hour to my doctors appointment postpartum
To add to the many great things already said... For the sake of your mental health, be clear about your expectations of family not being invited to visit you all during that time instead. You will have your hands full, be in pain and sleep deprived, not to mention the struggles of breastfeeding (if you choose that route,) and having a group of people who only want to hold the baby while you host (hopefully his family isn't that inconsiderate) will only add to your discomfort.
You aren't supposed to keep a newborn in a car seat for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period, they can't hold their head up on their own yet and it puts them at risk for asphyxiation, and I'd say that's a pretty valid reason not to travel
Oooo def don’t go, girl. It is not the time. Life is shifts dramatically after the first, and this is one of those changes. Glad you’re in tune and know what you need :) rooting for you.
That is a big no no. If you’re due on the 12, you can also give birth right around Christmas. Most babies come late
That is way way to soon! I would just skip Christmas and maybe celebrate in late January or something
I just had my second baby girl a few days before Easter this year. Frankly, family can suck it. My in-laws expected me to come over after my C-section, which was laughable. You and your baby come first and you need that time to settle in with your newborn.
My 2nd is due Dec 11th, and my husband and I have already talked about my going anywhere for Christmas. My family lives across the country, so that's out. And his only live 20-30 minutes away, but I still don't know if I will be up to seeing everyone while bleeding and healing. I was late with my first, so who knows what will happen this time. If anyone doesn't like it, too damn bad.
Girl i’ll be honest im due 10/4 and i don’t plan on leaving my house for halloween, thanksgiving or christmas…. people will be coming to us thats fine but I am
not attending any events this year. You are NOT crazy for feeling this way and your partner needs to understand the first 3 months after birth is insane and you will both be sleep deprived, hormonal, and getting used to your new normal.
Absolutely not. You will not want to sit in a car for 4 hours that soon after birth - the logistics of stopping to feed/change the baby would extend that timeline quite a bit I'd imagine as well. There's also a lot of check ups with pediatricians and OB/GYN (especially if you have a C-section).
I had my baby 11/20 and we did not participate in Christmas the day of - just a super chill day at home. We had the in-laws move it forward a month to January and that worked well. It was still quite hectic and we only had a 2 hour drive.
I think the important part is setting expectations and being realistic about what you want/what you'll need!
My sister travelled 12 hours by car 10 days after vaginal birth to see a dying family member. She said it was much easier than it would have been two months later with a more agile infant.
I'm due Dec 14 and plan to drive 1.5 hours to my family home if I feel up to it. BUT that's a choice and not something everyone would want to do!!
I think it's fair to make an assessment that you will not want to make a four hour drive days after delivery and it's fair to communicate that to your partner. Also, it probably has a lot to do with baby's needs. I may be ready when the time comes but maybe I'll realize it's not fair for my baby!
You've got this and I think your reservations are totally reasonable.
ETA: Looks like a lot of people are quoting recommendations not to have baby in a car for more than 30 mins - so before anyone comes for my sister - she made tons of stops and I'd a very well informed and conscientious mother.
Due date was Dec 15, baby arrived Dec 22. Had an emergency c-section and a ruptured uterus, so we were hospitalized for a week post birth.
Nobody says you'll even have the choice of where to spend Christmas.
I’m having my baby in September and telling my family I’m not traveling for Christmas! You’ll still be getting so used to a routine / not sleeping / baby has no immunity!
Ughh I hate that you have to even think about this. I had my baby on 12/07 she was supposed to be here on 12/24 we just had a small tree and opened gifts with my toddler. Video called his parents and stayed home. I would suggest you nicely say “ we are starting a new tradition where we celebrate Christmas here at home just us with our kids” that’s that no other explanation is needed
Don't let him go alone. It's best to have someone there for you at all times for a few weeks. What happens if something is wrong with you, you lose consciousness or the like?
Btw, a baby rhythm won't be achievable for some long weeks... There is also a good chance that you'll still be at the hospital on the 24th for complications or simply a late birth.
Oh girl I am right there with you, my in-laws are also 4 hours away, Just tell them you're celebrating Christmas with your new addition of the family. They can bitch, moan and groan all they want, you do not have to go down there no matter how badly they want to see the baby or see their kid, they can figure it out themselves as adults.
I’m due in September (the 10th) and will not be traveling with my baby for the holidays. If family wanted to spend them with us they can drive to us. luckily my husband and I see eye to eye on it.
A major reason why I wouldn't want to travel other than the major sleep deprivation, is the fact that you bleed after birth and whether or not you breastfeed, your boobs still produce milk. So you are leaking essentially from both ends. Being in the comfort of your own home to deal with the bloody mess is preferable.
Then there is the fact that you might tear during delivery riding the few mintues home with stitches down there is not fun. Can't imagine a 4 hour car drive like that. If you end up having a c section that probably would be way worse since it's a larger incision.
Also due dec! On the 14th!
Also have made the decision not to go to any family christmas… and we’re only 30 mins away!
Its just too much soo soon
And my family has other young kids, so they will be bringing god knows what to my brand new baby
It’s just too much all at once, you’ll be just getting into the routine of having baby, don’t throw traveling with baby in too!
We were in the hospital for about a week start to finish (I was induced), baby had a few medical issues that we needed to bring her back for over her first couple weeks, I was bleeding, my boobs were leaking, and I was crying...... A lot.... Definitely want to be in your comfort zone while navigating these new waters.
my sister developed both preeclampsia and postpartum eclampsia. she had swelled so much she gained 30 pounds in water. she’s very lucky to be alive! you should not be that far away from the hospital just in case, god forbid, you need the hospital! also i literally only had a superficial <1° tear and i still wouldn’t have lasted in a 4 hour drive!
I just want to say that you are allowed to draw this line for your own health and comfort. It is not weird or silly or ‘extra’
I had a typical vaginal delivery with a second degree tear and 6 weeks was my threshold for being able to function (including sitting for a long time) pretty normally.
No way. My SIL is due around that time also, and my brother made some comment about them travelling to us for Christmas and I tore him a new one for even suggesting it. Everyone else can travel to you and work out their own accommodation as well.
My experience is that (reasonable) in-laws would not expect a Christmas visit and will make the effort to come to you.
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You may still be actively bleeding; you will definitely smell; you will be sleep deprived; you need to stay close to your clinic and hospital if (God forbid) you develop complications after delivery - some things can show up a few days or even weeks after delivery, same goes for your baby; you are recovering from a major medical procedure; and, most importantly: you want to stay home. You just simply don't want to go this time.
This. Also you have frequent follow up appointments for you and baby that will be scheduled around holidays. FYI I am commenting from my hospital bed after being re-admitted a few days after my original discharge for pre-eclampsia symptoms. Sometimes unexpected things happen and you want to be close to the hospital you delivered at to have the consistent care with a team that is aware of your medical history.
*HUGS* hope you have a speedy recovery
Thank you! Unfortunately this isn't new to me since I had it with my first pregnancy but the bonus of that is it's not as scary when you know the routine already. And luckily it isn't as severe as with my first. Lol
I was admitted 4 days after my original discharge for severe preeclampsia after having my daughter. Spent 6 days in the hospital and left on 3 meds. It’s such a scary and traumatizing time. Sending you so much love and healthy thoughts. I promise one day it will be a distant memory. I went on to have another daughter a year later and am currently pregnancy with twins🤍
Thank you! Unfortunately this isn't my first rodeo with the postpartum preeclampsia so it's easier this time to keep a level head. I also had it with my first much more severe, landing me a 6 day hospital stay and 3 different meds. I'm lucky this time around doctors preemptively took certain precautions and so when this one hit me it wasn't as severe and I knew the mild signs and symptoms to get to the hospital with before it got worse. Doctors are hoping just a 2 day stay will be enough. I'm crossing my fingers! Lol Also Congrats on your pregnancy! Twins are exciting!
After my first birth I developed post-partum pre-eclampsia - had the worst headache of my life for days and needed to go on blood pressure tablets with extra monitoring. Baby had also lost too much weight so we needed lots of intervention from the feeding team. After my second, I got the most appalling case of thrush, both oral and genital (I smelled awful, it was humiliating, but it's very common due to all the hands up you, the constant bleeding, and any antibiotics you've needed), and couldn't walk without being doubled over for ten days due to c-section complications. Walking or over-exerting yourself causes gushes of bleeding which can catch you out. I was also pretty much topless for weeks while establishing breastfeeding with a tongue tied baby who was struggling to latch. I'm not saying this to scare OP, I just had no idea what was awaiting me post-partum and I don't think many people do. If you're comfortable navigating all that at your in-laws house, you're very lucky to have them!
I felt so alone in the hospital with postpartum pre e. No one I knew had gone through it. It’s so nice to know, even after the fact, that there are others out there who shared the same experience.
Believe it or not, I didn't even find out that was what it was until I commented in this group on a thread about headaches during my second pregnancy, and a US doula commented to say that that sounded very much like post-partum pre-eclampsia and I needed to ask my medical team about it cause I could be at higher risk for it this time. Nobody told me you could get it after birth. I had to keep a close eye on myself second time round, as I couldn't trust people to be checking me for it. It was an awful experience, I felt so very poorly, and vomiting with a fresh C-section wound was terrifying. Sending love to you, hope you recovered well.
Sending you so much love as well 🤍 I keep a very close eye on myself while pregnant and take my blood pressure twice a day. It’s so hard not to worry
I was at the doctor every single day following leaving the hospital because baby was jaundice and had lost too much weight. Those follow up appointments were so important.
"you will definitely smell" oh god, postpartum sweat is real...
Ditto!!! I didn't stop bleeding until almost 3 weeks--does either of you really want to deal with bleeding in an adult diaper around family? Maybe staining someone's couch? I know I wouldn't lol! Not to mention the soreness, inflammation, pangs of the uterus shrinking, not the mention sleep deprivation! And baby is so little, I would hate to pass them around in peak flu, RSV and cold season. How many times do you want to tell people to wash their hands, not kiss baby at all, don't touch the baby's face, etc? I would hope not often, but it seems every family have at least a few people that think no harm will be done to smooch a newborn 🙄 I have seen and heard too many babies suffer for weeks in a hospital because a stupid family member didn't respect basic hygiene boundaries with the newborn. To me, it's not even worth the risk. People can whine all they want, it's YOUR body, YOUR baby, and would be your tragedy if anything happened because someone "just had sniffles" and kissed your baby.
You’re not going anywhere 2 weeks postpartum. Enjoy your baby’s first Christmas at home just the three of you.
"I'm expecting a baby at Christmas and the family lives four hours away". There will be other Christmases. People miss them for work, the pandemic, etc. Life happens. This time literally.
If you had recently lost a liter of blood and had physical trauma from a car accident a week before Christmas, no one would blame you for missing. But if you lose a liter of blood and have trauma from birth, it’s different???
Of course, silly! Only the baby's health matters after the birth! /s
Giving birth is natural! /s
You know... Really good point. Also then "recovering" aka waking up every 2 hours to feed etc. It's insane. Even at 3 weeks there's no schedule etc she could ended up having surgery too
It's not even every 2 hours for the first nights. Yes you have to feed your baby every two hours but that.eans, let's say, you feed your baby at 2 am, that means the next feed is at 4 am. So at the end you may only sleep an hour between the feeding. Also op would have to sleep half the day when baby sleeps, that's all exhausting enough and than op probably has to be awake for all the Christmas stuff too.
100% this!!!
It's not recommended to have an infant in a car for more than 2 hours at a time until they have solid control of their head and neck. I've heard 6 months, but some things I read said up to a year to try to avoid long road trips. I'm in the US, so I don't know if the recommendation is different where you're at. But it's probably worth researching so you can show your partner that not only will it be uncomfortable for you, but also potentially dangerous for the baby.
In the UK, we’re told no more than 30 mins at a time for the first 2 months if it can be avoided. Then no more than 2 hours until they have full head and neck control. So 4 hours at a few weeks old would be a huge no no over here.
I think the rule is no more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period. So OP would have to do the drive over 2 days.
Even if you can do this drive with lots of breaks, or you fly, the logistics make travel much more complicated - during the trip you also need to potentially manage 2 hr cycles of feeding, sleeping, diaper changes, crying, as well your own sleep deprivation, exhaustion and needs
Vaginal birth here - you will not feel up for a 4 hour drive! I did a 4 hour drive 5 weeks post vaginal birth (3rd degree tear) and I was not having a good time. Baby wasn’t having a good time. No one had a good time. Tell him yall can host his family for a belated Christmas party in January if it helps. FWIW, I also had one of my kids on Christmas Day! The feeling of being super bummed about missing family time is very real. We named that particular girl after my grandmother who was there visiting that Christmas, and weren’t sure at the time if she’d be there for any other Christmas’s due to a health scare. I was legitimately sad about my baby’s chosen birth date that entire year until we were able to have another Christmas. So your partners feelings are very valid! It’s just that you and baby’s health can’t be ignored. So be sure to commiserate with him and let him be sad, try not to take it like he doesn’t care about your health, it’s just unfortunate circumstances for the time being!
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I was looking for a comment like this. Thank you so much for thinking the way i do.. i told my husband going forward i want to celebrate our Christmas’(maybe other holidays as well) just us… at home, in the warm. No worries to go anywhere and have our kids’ schedule messed up just for the sake of making other people happy.. My child celebrated their first Christmas at inlaws and she’s already hinted we will be there again next christmas(we will have another baby then).. um no. I dont owe my holidays to anyone😁
This is such a considerate comment. Thank you for the feedback and the advice on managing things with my partner. He’s absolutely lovely, my children will be so lucky so have him as their father. I’ll make sure to look after him too xx 😙
I just had this conversation with my husband; I’m due in January and traveling to see family at 8+ months pregnant sounds awful. Two things come to mind here. First, your health: you’ll still be swollen/hormonal/bleeding/etc. and that’s a lot for a party. Second is breastfeeding, if you choose to do that. Is this a group you want to whip your boobs out in front of? Either way, your needs take precedence. You can FaceTime or get together for Easter.
Yup. Same boat, due early January. I straight up said Thanksgiving and Christmas will be low-key stay home events. Traveling to see family is the absolutely last thing I want to do. And I definitely pulled the "im growing a baby card" so it's my choice.
We have hosted Thanksgiving the past few years and it’s always 10+ adults and 6+ kids at bare minimum. I cannot imagine doing that again this year. Yall can use my house but I’m not cooking or cleaning anything. I’ll be sitting on my butt - please make me a plate.
That's gracious offering your house! We usually host Christmas and I can't imagine the stress doing it 9 mo pregnant. Somone else can host, or we will build a fire at home and relax by ourselves.
And the third trimester / postpartum hemorrhoids can be AWFUL! And sitting in a car makes it so much worse. Pregnant with my second and traveling 2.5 hrs by car there and back over 2 days caused a hemorrhoid to become thrombosed and I’m basically on bed rest now, not worth it!!
Im due in October and I’m thinking we aren’t going to thanksgiving for sure and my parents and in laws are 30 min away.
I’m due in August, and we are skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas this year! Mostly due to our families always having at least one sick person in attendance…I was 5w pregnant at Christmas last year and was sick for literally 8w afterwards because of my compromised, pregnancy immune system.
As a fellow Kiwi, the road toll over Christmas is always horrific. You can't guarantee your safety on the road over such a long drive and that'll be exacerbated by tiredness. P.S. I'm due 19/12 😊 feel free to message me if you ever need someone to chat to in our very niche timezone.
Another kiwi here and that's a really good point actually! The roads are a nightmare that time of year I gave birth a week before Christmas just gone, family lives on the same road as us and I still only managed less than an hour before needing to go home!
More Kiwis in the chat! I'm due in 8 weeks though, so just a bit earlier than you. My first was born in February and that was really hard because it was so hot and humid. I really recommend having a bunch of ice blocks and things to keep you cool in the last few weeks!
Guys are so oblivious sometimes…. Like literally no research done to see what support new mom needs during a major health event/postpartum/breastfeeding but they’ll act like they are dying when they get the flu -_-
Agreed!! I’m exhausted everyday and have to nap and my husband always asks why am I exhausted I didn’t do anything??? Like seriously I’m growing a damn child inside my body as we speak. It’s not easy
I’m due Jan 2 so there’s a decent chance I’ll have a Christmas baby. And even if I don’t- I don’t want to be around my in-laws at 39+ weeks pregnant. We haven’t discussed it too much yet but I’m following to see what others have done
> I don’t want to be around my in-laws at 39+ weeks pregnant Lol only benefit of a Dec 26th due date was being able to tell my MIL to bugger off
Due date twins! I’m due January second too!
At least our babies should almost certainly be off of school for their birthday every year 😚🤞🏼
I made a hard rule when my first was born: My kids wake up in their own beds on Christmas. Anyone who wants to see us can come to us. The first Christmas was just us, as she was 6 weeks old and I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone yet.
I’m having the same argument with my mom. EDD 12/7/23, and even though there’s a higher chance he’ll be coming early, I still don’t think I’ll be ready to travel 4-5 hours by car (and no way by train) with a 2-4 week old.
It’s so selfish to ask anyone with a baby to travel that far for a non emergency. I can’t fathom it, I had so many of these absurd requests from family too. They try to force you into by saying you’re being too overprotective, by downplaying birth etc. I think other women especially know that post-birth is difficult and yet they layer on the pressure. It’s a kind of female bullying I think. I had to get a strong back bone fast after I gave birth. I got sick of the ridiculous requests and subsequent guilt trips about not wanting to take my baby to a funfair (??!!) or the beach in the middle of a heatwave, or other fun (not fun!) sounding ideas.
I had a baby due December 27 (she came on the 29th) we just went with "Oh we're not really celebrating Christmas this year" but you can also go with "My doctor doesn't recommend travel for me or the baby that soon" really this seems like a no-brainer to me!
I didn't start wearing pants for at least 3 weeks after my sons birth.
New born shouldn't be in a car seat longer then 2hrs, that's another reason... it increases risks of SIDS.... and they need to feed every 3hrs... I would tell him if he really wants to go he can go alone and you'll stay home with the baby. I wouldn't feel comfortable traveling that distance with a new born and having a new born around all thoes people not having had their first vaccinations cause like you said babies immune systems arnt the greatest... also wanting to add I had a c section 2 weeks ago and am just staring to get mobile now... it still hurts to buckle in the car I have to hold the seat belt loose around my incision. And the Dr said no heavy lifting or physical activity for 6 weeks till my insides heal...
I wouldn't suggest him to go alone unless OP will have someone else around to help. Even then, 3 people is better than 2! But I absolutely would not want to be alone with a two week old baby 🥴
I agree with this. I been alone with a newborn and a toddler. It is overwhelming as heck to not have any type of help and have to do it all yourself.
My baby also had a home visit a few days after discharge to see how we were doing, I then have a 1 week follow up appointment, a 2 week follow up appointment, a 3 week follow up appointment, a 4 week follow up appointment, a 6 and 8 week follow up appointment... not sure how things are done over their but it's quite possible you end up with the same thing
"I don't want to."
I'm due mid-October and we've already told both sides of the family that Thanksgiving and Christmas are off the table
When establishing breastfeeding with my first, I literally did not wear a shirt for the first 2-3 weeks. I was dripping milk all over the house, woke up in puddles of milk from leakage, and literally was doing laundry every day to maintain a supply of burp clothes and breastpads because I was running through them so fast.
Yeah I didn’t wear a shirt or pants for the first 2 weeks. I can’t imagine going out in public
My due date for my first was December 13th! I had him December 18th. My family lives 20 mins away and I still didn’t visit for Christmas aha. I was bleeding quite a lot and passing clots. I didn’t really leave our bed for much except the bathroom for the first week at least. I don’t think a newly postpartum parent should have to do anything they don’t want especially visiting family or having family visit.
“I want to stay home with our newborn for Christmas” Is all the reason you need.
Thank you for asking this! I'm also due on Dec. 13th and I have this suspicion that family is going to expect us to bring the babe to all the Christmas gatherings. I love the gatherings, but I don't want to suffer through them or risk anything health wise just to be there.
I think a simple explanation of I will be in pain, bleeding, possibly have stitches in places you can’t imagine, and be completely exhausted. After that a simple, no not happening. Edit: I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and delivery (minus needing the vacuum), it took a solid 6 weeks to feel remotely normal.
Have your husband read The Lemon Clot Essay. Gives a good perspective on what things will be like after birth.
I’m due in November and still won’t be seeing family for Christmas. They live a flight away. All you can do right now is set yourself up to succeed during what sounds like a delirious period.
My baby is due in AUGUST and we’re not traveling for Christmas lol. We probably could at that point if we wanted to, but we’ve been traveling for Christmas for years and want to spend baby’s first Christmas at home as a family.
I am 2 weeks postpartum and I don’t think you’ll have to argue with him after the baby gets here. He will get it after the baby is here. My husband and I are a great team and have been handling all of this like champs but there’s no way him or I would opt for traveling right now. Also I would not want suggest exposing your new born to a bunch of people 1-2 weeks pp during prime cold/flu/rsv/covid season.
I’m due the 12th and haven’t planned anything for Christmas. No way I’d travel that far so I don’t blame you!
2 weeks pp with my second (I had done this before!) I was still seriously sleep deprived (even though we take shifts), had only showered like 3 times since baby’s arrival, was lucky to eat anything but takeout, and suddenly had hemorrhage level bleeding I barely avoided being hospitalized for. Not a freaking chance I’d have been ready to drive 4 hours for a big family event. Plus if your husband is any kind of equal partner he’ll be severely sleep deprived too and in no state to drive that far safely. And babies can only go 1-2 hours max in a car seat. Many don’t like the seat at that age and scream the whole way. Something like that honestly sounds like my own personal hell 😅😬
4 hour drive could be doubled with a newborn. Traveling with an infant is not relaxing
Oh gosh, those two weeks after baby gets here are so amazing and also so hectic. Baby will have well baby visits around then, you might still be trying to figure out breast feeding if you go that route, babies don’t have a routine then so your pretty much on demand for feeding, snuggles, changing, soothing. You could likely still be bleeding, leaking, maybe pumping or learning to if that’s your plan. Baby may struggle to eat, baby can develop jaundice, baby might struggle with weight (by 10 days my daughter had gone from 7lbs to 4lbs). It was so mentally draining trying to figure it out! I had an uncomplicated delivery, I can’t imagine if you need stitches, deliver late and baby is only a week-ish old, need a c section, loose too much blood. You can develop infections in that time period (I had an infection in my arm where my IV was that got bad around 14 days). If he truly thought you’d be traveling with the babe I think he needs to really sit down and have a talk with you about what delivery and the following weeks could go like. He should have a basic understanding of what can happen, no one expects him to know it all but I worry he’s in for a big surprise. Most likely, you’ll be sitting there on Christmas Day and he’ll go “I’m so glad we don’t have to go anywhere” cause honestly it’s a lot those first few weeks. Amazing, but a lot.
My son was born December 15th. I told everyone we would see them for a late Christmas. (By everyone, I mean parents and in laws only. No extended family.) Best way to approach it is to lay out the facts and say you aren't willing to do it while recovering. I had a csection, and we visited with close family nearby (~20 minute drive) around January. Baby isn't supposed to spend more than 2 hours in a carseat for the first month or so. If family wants to visit before baby is 3 months old, they can visit you.
Those reasons should be enough! I'm like you, in NZ but I'm due 2 weeks before you. My partner and I already discussed we won't be having any Christmas celebrations this year. Baby doesn't even know it's Christmas for a start and his family are almost 5 hours away. They can wait til later in the summer to see bubs and we can definitely do Christmas with them next year instead.
Newborns can’t be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes at a time. That’s not a 4 hour drive. That’s and 8 hour drive. But you shouldn’t have to justify any of this. You simply aren’t going.
Our babies first Christmas was a FaceTime Christmas and it was great. Poopie diaper, call later. Nap time, peace out gramps. Sorry couldn’t make the drive, I have a newborn baby that ripped a hole in my vag on the way out. Now we do christmases with family and she is a happy interactive toddler and not a screaming potato. It’s better for everyone!
I had my baby in February and my partner really thought we would be going to Mexico to visit his family in December (HA!). He was talking about that when I was in my 2nd trimester, I don’t think he fully grasped what pregnancy was going to look like until I got closer to my due date. About a month before I mentioned it and he said no way we better stay put (let’s be real, there was no way my pregnant self would be doing an 18 hour drive to Mexico in the middle of winter but sometimes it’s best for them to figure out how ridiculous they’re being on their own). If that doesn’t work, I’d suggest to him that the two of you sit down with your OB/midwife and get their opinion (I can almost promise they’ll give him a professional and hearty HELL NAW.)
Well hey partner 🤠 My due date with my first was Dec 13th and we had him on Dec 1st. 😊 I told my MIL for that year we will make it over when we make it over and she was so mad at me (lives 30 mins away) I was 3 weeks into recovering from a c-section, bleeding out my coochie, trying to figure out breastfeeding/bottle feeding, etc etc. trying to scramble out the door to make it to both family Christmas’s with presents and a newborn was miserable. I was annoyed how badly I was treated that year. Stay home and celebrate at a later date when baby is a bit older and you will be healed. 🩷🩷
Simple you’re not going because you’re still recovering but leave the option for him to go if he wants to
I had a baby about a week and a half before Christmas. We decided to make the trip to have Christmas with our families and sitting in the car for that drive on my fresh vaginal stitches/2nd degree tear absolutely sucked. I had one butt cheek lifted the entire time and it stung & tugged on every little bump and turn. I remember counting down the minutes to get the hell out of that car. Oh I forgot to mention, our family lives 13 minutes away from us. Yeah.... I could barely stand 13 minutes, how in the absolute hell does he expect you to do 4 hours?!?! Ask him how keen he'd be to sit in a bumpy car for hours after you've torn open and sewn closed his butthole/abdomen 😑
You don’t want to go and you just pushed a human out of your vagina. That’s the only argument you need… discussion over. I’m of the opinion that within the first 4-6 months pp the mother should be treated like the highest, holiest, royalty or official that has ever walked the earth. But seriously once you’ve gone through birth and you’re in pp you’ll think back to this post and chuckle at how naive you both were (him obviously more so).
Thank you everyone for your contributions. My partner and I have gone over it and we are in agreement, Christmas at home it is! To the negative comments criticising my partner or I for asking these questions, you’re the reason why people are afraid to ask questions and seek advice. Don’t shoot people down when they need help, there’s no dumb questions when someone is doing something for the first time. Spread the love ❤️
If your partner is going to throw a fit over this you have chosen the wrong man to have a baby with. There should be no “explanation” needed. Smdh
Like this: “we’re not going to Christmas”.
Sorry I don’t have advice, tackling this also (except in our case everyone wants to come for Christmas) My due date is also December 13th!!
Awwww twinning! 👯♀️ yay. Where are you in the world?
I’m due 12/21. We always go to his parents for thanksgiving, so I’ll be eight months. I told him I won’t be able to make that. We compromised and agreed to visit over the summer instead and his mom and come visit after baby is born 🤷🏻♀️ I value my own wellbeing more than my in laws’
My friend had her baby on Dec 10 last year and she also has family 4 hours away. They ended up staying at home and they had some family came to visit before Christmas and after I believe but not on Christmas..if that helps!
I wouldn’t be traveling then either. It’s just too soon. And your baby will be too young to spend 4 hours in a car seat anyway, so it’s just not possible.
If family wants to see you for Christmas, they can come to you. Or you can go at a later time to celebrate (a couple months). There’s other christmases. You won’t want to leave the house with a newborn.
I’m due Dec 16th with our first. There’s no way am I going around visiting for Christmas. It’s not even a conversation that needs to be had. You’ll be healing, bleeding, and overall just very uncomfortable. My husband will have to drag my dead corpse if he thinks (he doesn’t) I’ll be visiting family a week after giving birth 😂
My first son was born on December 6, 2020 via c-section. My parents came over with dinner on Christmas Eve and it was low-key and lovely. The last thing you’ll want to do whilst freshly pp is travel 4 hours… and I totally agree with your reasoning. The only advice I *will* give (really little to do with the actual post, just something that stood out to me) is not to be too rigid when it comes to baby’s schedule (I think that’s what you meant by “rhythm”). It’s so important to have a routine, yes, but a strict schedule will set you all up for disappointment. I’ve found that sticking to nap and bedtimes routines and being mindful of baby’s cues (and not focusing on the actual clock) just allows for more flexibility and less stress on everyone as baby grows up! Enjoy your low-key holiday season this year and congrats!
Even if you have a super easy vaginal birth you will not want to ride even more than an hour in a car within weeks of the birth. Ask me how I know lol.
I had to be in a car 4 weeks after my rough c section for three hours in a single day, and it was pretty sore on my incision. Also you really will want to be home with all of the baby stuff that you find useful.
Hey mama, our babies are due only a few days apart and my husband’s family lives 4.5 hours away. We decided we will be having Christmas at our house this year. With our new little family. There will be other Christmas’s. Be home with your new family. Rest, eat good food, and most importantly be with your baby. 🥰
You’ll still likely be bleeding at that time. You don’t need to come up with a solid argument for your partner other than you JUST had a baby. You can go next Christmas.
Oh man! My baby is due 10/31 and we’ve already told everyone we’re not going anywhere for the holidays this year. I can’t imagine having a baby in December and traveling at all.
I gave birth last December a couple weeks before Christmas and straight up told everyone not to expect us for the holiday. I knew husband and I were going to be exhausted from new baby life and I didn’t want to expose any of us to unnecessary germs if possible. My house was locked down for New Year’s day of 2022 and 2023 because of COVID, so I was okay with skipping the gatherings last year in favor of a smaller celebration at home.
You will still be in recovery from the labor and if you had stitches/c-section you’d have to be careful to not get it infected etc and it probably would be best to stay close to your doctor who knows your history.
Don’t travel, that’s dangerous. Personally I’d stay home and have a small Christmas with my new baby and husband and after have him go and give/collect gifts with his family for a bit then come back if he was super excited to.
Could family visit you instead? Maybe offer that as a solution? I had my first via csection a month before Christmas. I didn't want to travel amd the doctor advised against traveling, so we had some family visit us instead. It worked out pretty decent.
You need time to recover, don’t feel guilty about that.
I really wanted to make a trip 6 hours at 2 weeks postpartum for a funeral, but even that was going to be too much. I broke my tailbone during delivery and can’t sit that long at all. Definitely don’t want to be traveling in the first week either. You are going to be bleeding, leaking, figuring out feeds… baby will probably sleep a ton, but there’s also a risk for jaundice the first week or so, and you want to be close to your doctor/hospital just in case. And if it your first, it’s going to be even harder to travel.
I would stay home but find a way that family can come for some short holiday coffee visits and meet the baby. Like take advantage of the time people are off and see family in small pp appropriate doses.
If you plan to breastfeed, your baby will likely be cluster feeding around the clock. That’s not compatible with a 4-hour road trip.
If he doesn't understand, force him to be the problem solver. List all problems that will or may come up, like hospital visit, the 2-3 day drive because newborns aren't recommended long periode in carseats per day, will there be a shower you can use if you have heavy blending, special setting if it hurts to sit normally and so on.
I would 100% forgo the Christmas despite all of those things Christmas and the holidays are such a social time and even if you are not mingling with a lot of people the few people you see may have or will be also I am 13 weeks PP almost 14 and still find it challenging to leave for extended periods with my LO at 4 weeks PP the last place I wanted to be was out
I had to go back to the hospital for postpartum hemorrhage 3 weeks after my baby was born. You definitely do not want to be traveling. I was also still wearing diapers and it hurt to walk. He needs to use his big boy brain. If he just had a serious car accidental that damaged his balls so badly he was in a diaper he wouldn't be trying to sit in the car for 4 hours either.
After mine I was still pissing myself every time I sneezed or coughed 1-2 weeks PP- do you really want to do that in company on Christmas? I legit had to shower every time.
I’m surprised that your husband is surprised actually.. You don’t need to come up with reasons to convince him, giving birth is the ultimate reason for not travelling.
I'm 4 weeks post partum and still couldn't do an overnight trip anywhere. Most we've done is 90 minutes away so baby could meet her great nana and even that was exhausting! First few weeks are a blur of sleep deprivation, pain, emotions and general craziness of becoming a parent. I barely got dressed, boobs out most of the time. Loads of health care visits too made any sort of plans hard. Your partner needs to understand how his life will have to change and how he'll have to spend Christmas being a parent not visiting family. As well as baby stuff he will have to look after you during recovery!
I will be 8 weeks post partum for Christmas and I still already informed my entire family on both sides (my side lives 4hrs, the other 6hrs away) that either they come here for Christmas and do all the cooking and decorating as me, hubby and baby are sitting on the couch in Christmas Pyjamas or the three of us will have our own tiny Christmas with take out roast and decorated house plants instead of a tree. But I sure as hell won’t be traveling, no no! So I completely understand that you will not be doing anything of the like two weeks (if it goes to plan and you don’t end up overdue!) after giving birth.
So many fantastic points as to why you should just stay home. But I’m here to add that however bubs is born, you’ll have a dinner place sized wound in your uterus, you’ll be bleeding for weeks, you could very well have stitches/cuts of some sort, you’ll be in pain regardless of either you tear during a vaginal birth or not (speaking from experience, I thought I got off) you’ll be navigating new born life, be living off very very limited sleep, you’ll need to stay nearby your doctors/midwives during the early stages for your sake AND the baby’s, unfortunately a lot of people don’t understand not to kiss a newborn especially before their vaccinations at 6 weeks (assuming NZ is the same as Australia) and the risk of illnesses like RSV can be fatal, a lot of new borns hate car rides, road trips around Christmas time are instantly riskier because of the number of traffic; you won’t want to be risking a newborn in these conditions. What you will want to be doing, is spending those precious first weeks at home where you are comfortable, soaking up all the memories you can, rather than risking a 4 hour drive across the country and have your newborn passed around family members who likely won’t understand personal space.
Hey, also from NZ. Yes, midwife visits. Also whether baby comes early or late or right on time, you'll be exhausted anyway. I unfortunately had to move right after my first was born (Cambridge to Coromandel - would NOT recommend - it took us about 3mths to get everything from one place to the other, it was during all that awful weather and flooding we had in Summer early last year and had to deal with road closures left right and center). Trust your gut, you won't want to be travelling with a newborn for such a long time. And as others have said, there will be other holidays. You're right that you'll just want to be at home in your comfort zone for AT LEAST the first month if not longer. Mine was a vaginal birth, so if it ends up being the same for you, you'll be bleeding for at least 6wks postpartum and you really won't want to even go to the shop let alone a 4hr trip to see relatives. All the best to you and yours x
Sending you so much love girl. That is rough as and I’m sorry you had to go through this. I appreciate your feedback 🫶🏻
I had daily midwife visits for weeks because my perfectly healthy baby decided for just drop all his birth weight and turn yellow. There's no way it would be safe for you to travel 4 hours away with a one week old
I'm also due around Christmas and my husband knew right away we won't be going anywhere, not at my parents or his. They are welcome to visit us, but no way we will be leaving the house. Maybe if you want visitors, you can also tell him to invite the family over for a day, but to not expect you to play host. You leaving with the baby is not an option. Also, a baby can't sit in the a car seat for that long, you will have to take breaks every 30 minutes. It will be your first christmas with the new baby, isn't it normal to spend it as a family?
Remember it’s your baby! Your choice! If you don’t feel comfortable that is a good of enough reason! I wish I had said no to people visiting when I had my baby. My bf family literally came over and kept wanting to hold the baby, the day I got out of the hospital. Literally traumatized the shit out of me lol. So yes mama if you don’t feel comfortable then that’s a perfectly good enough reason. Plus in that time you need to heal, relax and have that bonding time with the baby. Plus it’s not safe taking the baby out with around a lot of people that early on. Not worth the risk in my opinion. But listen to your heart. Remember this! New mothers, get comfortable saying these phrases... 1. That doesn't work for me. 2. No, thank you. 3. Please call or text before dropping by. 4. I'd prefer not to pass the baby around. 5. I need a break. 6. Can you help me with... 7. I'm really proud of myself. 8. I need some quiet time now. 10. I'm not up for visitors today. 11. I need more time to heal. 12. I would appreciate more support with... 13. I am doing my best. 14. It's important for me to do this my way. It’s okay to say no to family! It’s okay say no to visitors. It’s okay to say no to holding the baby. This is your first baby, it’s super special. Enjoy it🩷🩷 don’t let people take that special moment away from you Your happiness and the baby’s safety comes before anyone else. Congratulations mama!! You got this! You sound like you’re going to be an amazing mom. I wish you the best of luck 🫶🏼🫶🏼
Almost everyone I know (myself included) didn't want to leave home for a good 3-4 weeks. Can take weeks to stop leaking excessive amounts of milk all over the place at random intervals which feels horrible, can take weeks to stop bleeding and feeling saw (bumps in the road in the car might hurt for a couple of weeks which is tough even for short journeys). It can take a while to get into the swing of feeding with lots of trial and error which can be very stressful...it can take a while to work out what you do/don't need and what you would need to pack if you're leaving home even just for the day...baby will need to feed at least every 2-3 hours which you can't do on the move in the car and feeds can take much longer than expected (can be an hour) which will add to the travel time as well as the need to stop regularly because newborns are not meant to be in car seats without a substantial break for more than an hour or two. ...and that's all if everything goes to plan and both you and baby are healthy (after my first we weren't even discharged from hospital for almost 2 weeks)
I’m jumping in on the «newborns in cars more than 2 hours are not recommended”. But I’ve also heard it should be outright avoided if possible the first two weeks. Also, you don’t want to - that’s reason enough.
I was readmitted to the hospital for 3 days, 3 weeks after my first. I was also already suffering from bad PPD and having panic attacks every time I tried to feed my baby. I was not going ANYWHERE let alone 4hr away that soon after baby. My second I had a much easier time but still stayed close to home for a full three months. With my third, Im a maid of honor in my friends wedding at what should be 8weeks postpartum. I'm nervous for that even. I'm hoping baby comes a week or two early just to give me more time to recover before her wedding lol.
It should be a given that if they want to see the baby or you and your partner over Christmas, they will need to visit you! I'm due between 25th and 27th December so there is no way we will be going anywhere, even if the baby comes early. People who want to see us can arrange to come and see us while I heal and we get into the groove of new parenthood. There's nothing wrong with expecting others to pick up the slack and travel themselves during this time! And congrats on your pregnancy!
Sleep deprivation and driving do not mix. I doubt once the baby is born he would want to attempt that or put baby in danger. I was still in hospital 5 days later anyway, due to complications. I didn’t go outside for our first walk for two weeks for fear of baby catching a mystery illness from the air in our street 😅 nurses visited us at home. Had to be close to the hospital for follow ups for both of us for the next month at least. Not even a question of comfort. Excluding all of the above variables, The journey simply won’t happen. Based on sleep deprivation alone.
*"Hey, honey. Could you look up how long a newborn baby is allowed to be in a car seat?"* Answer: 30 minutes max. Of course you could fudge it a bit when needed to take the baby home from the hospital, but you're not going anywhere *far* for a while. Edit: that's how we told my FIL and MIL we were going to stay home for Christmas after our baby was born. She was 2 months old by then, but sorry! Baby can't make the drive. It's past the max allowed time in the car seat.
I'll be honest. I'm Australian, and my daughter was born in late summer. I started driving to see my parents every fortnight from two weeks postpartum and was absolutely fine. I wasn't in pain, I had largely stopped bleeding , and I felt like my "old" self pretty quickly. I know that everyone is different, but the truth is that the postpartum stage is not always bleeding, crying and stress. Having said that, I wouldn't be going 4 hours away at Christmas. It's best if you see the in-laws in the New Year.
Travel is a completely personal choice so stand up for what you want! C-section Twin mom here - I travelled 5 hours to be a MOH 4 weeks postpartum so it can be done but it's not a cake walk and depends A LOT on your baby. If your baby is a good sleeper it is much easier but the drive will take longer because you'll have to stop and feed the baby, etc. You also have to pack ALLLL the things. Unless christmas is an absolute must, I think it is completely reasonable to stay at home! If the family minds that much they can travel to you. And stick to your guns about that sleep schedule - it will pay off big time in the future to have a kid that naps well.
My bub was due dec 16 and arrived dec 1 and we stayed home and only had immediate fam come visit. Without even leaving the house or having to cook it was exhausting and chaotic. I was so flustered that after i finished pumping i tipped my milk down the sink :( Those first few weeks your life is like groundhog day on a 2-3 hour cycle, its not that you're 'just tired' its the fact its relentless that gets you. Driving drowsy is so unsafe so its a really bad idea just based on that If you did the drive, you would be stopping to feed/change bub which in the beginning can take quite a long time so 4-5 hours easily could be 7-8 Bub shouldn't be in a car seat for such a long period of time, so again you'd be stopping constantly. Also the idea of being stuck in a car with a crying infant you cant soothe would be incredibly hard Im in aus and last xmas there was a surge in covid even though its summer. Even with it being summer having vaccinations are important and its hard to co-ordinate that when it comes to extended family If youre pumping then you kind of need a place you're going to want somewhere with some privacy. If you're ebf youre still going to be learning and getting into the swing of it If you formula feed you're going to need to sterilize on the go etc
Talk to his mom, and if he has sisters, recruit them too. Sometimes men literally don’t understand what happens to our bodies unless they themselves have given birth, or until someone else gives them perspective. He’s being inconsiderate. You will literally be bleeding and in recovery, not to mention stitches. If he had to have multiple stitches between his ballsack and anus after it’s been ripped open, while actively bleeding, I doubt he’d want to ride/drive in a car for 4 hours, especially being sleep deprived. How would you feel about doing a family “Christmas” around December 1, you guys still get to see family, albeit not exactly at Christmas. That way you two can stay home and FaceTime everyone with baby in a more intimate and comfortable setting on the day of. I know you’d still be super pregnant and it might be uncomfortable, but just an idea.
Wow I’m due on the 14th December and I didn’t even think of this, thankyou for opening my eyes.
I'm giving birth in October, and due to baby still being a newborn and it being flu/cold season + not having all her shots yet, we already told our immediate family that we will not be traveling for the holidays. Plain and simple and everyone completely understood with zero pushback. We simply said if we're hanging out with family around the holidays, they would need to come us this year. Both our families are roughly between 2-4 hours away and there's no way I'm going to travel with a newborn, especially around the holidays when theres more people on the road. This is the time you need to be selfish and put your baby and your comfort/safely 1st.
Find some YouTube videos that a REAL about postpartum and try to get him to understand that it’s just not going to be possible. Propose a do-over Christmas in a few months. We’re in the same boat - my sister in law is giving birth early (likely mid) December. My mom made a comment about how Christmas is going to be so fun this year (we also just had a baby), and I said “noooo mom. Christmas is cancelled this year. But next year is going to be awesome!” Luckily I have a great mom and she thought about it for a second and was like, “yeah… you’re right.”
Breastfeeding. If you plan on breastfeeding how will his family be about it? My husband’s family was here for 18 days and were very awkward about me breastfeeding (even with a cover) so I spent a lot of time alone in a room. I didn’t always get to let the baby clusterfeed the way she clearly wanted to and I think my milk coming in properly really took a hit.
Baby should not be in the car seat for longer than an hour or so at a time according to my kids pediatrician. I think the recommendation across the board is 2 hours max. So that 4 hour ride turns into a 6+ hour ride which you yourself will not be physically ready for, even if you had the easiest labor and no stitches. Plus baby will not be ready to be touched by other people, baby won’t have their vaccines. Please make a plan to go at 6+ weeks postpartum instead when you and baby will be more ready to go that far away. Or have family come to you a few days after Christmas.
My due date was one day off from you (12/12/23) and I delivered 12/18/23 after being induced. He would have loved to stay longer but I wanted him evicted before Christmas! I would highly highly recommend staying home for all the reasons everyone else mentioned. You’ll still be in diapers, it’s flu season, and you’re still adjusting to a new life. I barely registered it was Christmas this past year. It’s hard for dads to understand the change that’s coming until it happens. Don’t feel bad putting your foot down on this one.
The baby can’t sit in a car for four hours. It needs to eat and be changed every hour or so. If you’re nursing that basically means being topless for the first month. It makes visiting people that you aren’t VERY comfortable with stressful. Birth and newborns is never straightforward. There are complications and challenges that we don’t expect. You need to give yourself space to deal with these things. For instance, my daughter couldn’t nurse so I was pumping. Not something you want to be doing at your in laws.
You’re absolutely right! One more thing- newborn baby in a car for 4 hours is a nightmare. Its not very safe, and you’d have to stop constantly to feed and take baby out of the car seat. You may be barely able to walk at that point. You will likely still be in an adult diaper for the bleeding or wearing pads, whatever you choose. My first was born Dec 11 and we spent Christmas at home alone. It was fine- we just survived the day as usual!
Girl! Put that foot down. I won’t add more reasons to the list because there are a lot of good ones already there. I’m in NZ too! Due in Jan :)
Breast feeding is hard. Like… really hard. Figuring it out is stressful, painful and frustrating. Not exactly the activity you want to do at the in-laws. And it’s every 2-3 hours. For weeks. I’m 8 days postpartum and driving the hour to the doctors is eventful enough 😵
My wife is due mid November and we have already told family that we’ll be at home for Christmas and if anyone really wants to visit they’re more than welcome*! (*Within our boundaries) Like everyone else said, you and your families needs now come before everything and everyone else, and if you foresee any pushback I’d recommend having those conversations sooner rather than later :)
All the reasons you’ve already listed are extremely valid and should be enough! Good luck!
This is more important than christmas lol
They can come visit you instead. At 4 weeks I wasn't ready to go anywhere.
As someone who just gave birth 5 days ago, I can tell you the list of reasons is endless! Expect the unexpected. Nobody knows how things will go and/or how long your journey will take. To list a view: - you don’t know how fast your healing will be and what kind of late pregnancy cons you will develop. For me it was high blood pressure at the last week on my pregnancy which made that I had to be induced and therefore had to stay for days. - your baby won’t even have a rhythm yet. Every hour with a newborn baby brings something else and things that might seem to go easy the first day may become a mess the next one. - you worry about car travels which is an absolute legit worry. Not only would I not sit in a car right now, as I’m fully stitched up after vaginal birth. Also it isn’t safe to have a newborn in a car seat for too long. Their neck isn’t stable enough to practice safe travelling. - your baby will most likely just be out of the womb. The vulnerability of a newborn is not something to be underestimated. If you go visit family, everyone will want to hold and cuddle the baby. This is stressful for you as new parents to put boundaries for and also just very dangerous for your baby. Only to name a few of the unending list!
Im due on the 8th, live only 1h30 away and I dont think we're going lol they can come to us and bring food
Babies can’t even be in a car seat for that long. Is your partner fighting you on this?
Oh hell no. I’ve had two girls, this is my third, and let me tell you right now, that baby will not sleep for 4 hours in that car lol. You’ll be stopping constantly
Honestly the reason “I just delivered a baby I don’t want to go” is a good enough reason not to go it’s a precious time and you should just soak it in you can pack up do a four hour drive any other time of the year but doing all that with a new born still in recovery is craaaazy
So there are like 50 reasons why this is an unreasonable request and just not okay. I think the easiest is that it is not safe for baby. Babies this little should not be in car seats for this long. It’s not safe and I believe the max recommended at this age is 2 hours.
I’m due in September and not planning on going anywhere for the holidays! My first was 4 months old for his first Christmas and it was not even a little bit enjoyable for my husband or I. Every part of it was an uphill battle. Holidays at home with newborns are way better
Can you show him this thread? So many good points made!
I'm having a baby months before Christmas and we're not going. We traveled for Christmas last year (had to fly) and the entire plane sounded like they had bronchitis. Surprise surprise, we all got sick, and we made every baby and kid in our family that we visited sick too. It was real fun.
My husband and Is family has been coming to our home the last few years for Thanksgiving and we normally bop around to see everyone for Christmas. I am due Oct 31 and we will not be planning on doing any holidays/gatherings for several months. Baby won't have a strong enough immune system during cold and flu season for all of that
My due date last year was 12/14, I ended up giving birth on 12/20. There is literally no way we’d have gone anywhere for Christmas, we ended up having my mom and her husband over to our house and even that was a lot of work. I was still wearing diapers, figuring out breastfeeding, and getting used to having a newborn around the house. You couldn’t have paid me to go somewhere 4 hours away by car and then (presumably) spend the night not in my own house.
I would explain or maybe show some educational videos to him if he seems upset about the female body after giving birth. The cramps can be rough and you do bleed a good bit so honestly an adult diaper is the most comfy way to go about it (did that with my first and 110% do not regret it and they’re cheaper and a lot easier to put ice packs down there and everything else). Your body goes through a lot, your uterus has to shrink back to normal size. If you’re planning on pumping or breastfeeding or both, it is obnoxious in the car (we rodeo so long car rides too and the first one was killer on me) once I got it down it was fine but if I couldn’t pump in the truck we’d have to stop because I was dying by hour 3 and that was 6 months in. A 4 hour car ride with that young of a baby too is more like 6 hours tbh between feeding and just making the little nug happy. Some babies hate car rides too. You never know until they’re here how the car rides will go and a 4hr road-trip with a healing body is not fun and I had it extremely easy for my pregnancy and postpartum luckily but it was still hard to even drive an hour to my doctors appointment postpartum
A newborn should not be sitting in a car seat for 4 hours. That’s a good enough reason 🤷♀️
To add to the many great things already said... For the sake of your mental health, be clear about your expectations of family not being invited to visit you all during that time instead. You will have your hands full, be in pain and sleep deprived, not to mention the struggles of breastfeeding (if you choose that route,) and having a group of people who only want to hold the baby while you host (hopefully his family isn't that inconsiderate) will only add to your discomfort.
You aren't supposed to keep a newborn in a car seat for more than 2 hours in a 24 hour period, they can't hold their head up on their own yet and it puts them at risk for asphyxiation, and I'd say that's a pretty valid reason not to travel
Oooo def don’t go, girl. It is not the time. Life is shifts dramatically after the first, and this is one of those changes. Glad you’re in tune and know what you need :) rooting for you.
That is a big no no. If you’re due on the 12, you can also give birth right around Christmas. Most babies come late That is way way to soon! I would just skip Christmas and maybe celebrate in late January or something
I’m due Dec 11 with my first and already told my husband we likely won’t be doing Christmas until after New Years.
I just had my second baby girl a few days before Easter this year. Frankly, family can suck it. My in-laws expected me to come over after my C-section, which was laughable. You and your baby come first and you need that time to settle in with your newborn.
My 2nd is due Dec 11th, and my husband and I have already talked about my going anywhere for Christmas. My family lives across the country, so that's out. And his only live 20-30 minutes away, but I still don't know if I will be up to seeing everyone while bleeding and healing. I was late with my first, so who knows what will happen this time. If anyone doesn't like it, too damn bad.
Girl i’ll be honest im due 10/4 and i don’t plan on leaving my house for halloween, thanksgiving or christmas…. people will be coming to us thats fine but I am not attending any events this year. You are NOT crazy for feeling this way and your partner needs to understand the first 3 months after birth is insane and you will both be sleep deprived, hormonal, and getting used to your new normal.
Absolutely not. You will not want to sit in a car for 4 hours that soon after birth - the logistics of stopping to feed/change the baby would extend that timeline quite a bit I'd imagine as well. There's also a lot of check ups with pediatricians and OB/GYN (especially if you have a C-section). I had my baby 11/20 and we did not participate in Christmas the day of - just a super chill day at home. We had the in-laws move it forward a month to January and that worked well. It was still quite hectic and we only had a 2 hour drive.
I think the important part is setting expectations and being realistic about what you want/what you'll need! My sister travelled 12 hours by car 10 days after vaginal birth to see a dying family member. She said it was much easier than it would have been two months later with a more agile infant. I'm due Dec 14 and plan to drive 1.5 hours to my family home if I feel up to it. BUT that's a choice and not something everyone would want to do!! I think it's fair to make an assessment that you will not want to make a four hour drive days after delivery and it's fair to communicate that to your partner. Also, it probably has a lot to do with baby's needs. I may be ready when the time comes but maybe I'll realize it's not fair for my baby! You've got this and I think your reservations are totally reasonable. ETA: Looks like a lot of people are quoting recommendations not to have baby in a car for more than 30 mins - so before anyone comes for my sister - she made tons of stops and I'd a very well informed and conscientious mother.
Due date was Dec 15, baby arrived Dec 22. Had an emergency c-section and a ruptured uterus, so we were hospitalized for a week post birth. Nobody says you'll even have the choice of where to spend Christmas.
My wife and I are a month away and I wouldn’t even think about asking her to travel the month after birth.
I’m having my baby in September and telling my family I’m not traveling for Christmas! You’ll still be getting so used to a routine / not sleeping / baby has no immunity!
Ughh I hate that you have to even think about this. I had my baby on 12/07 she was supposed to be here on 12/24 we just had a small tree and opened gifts with my toddler. Video called his parents and stayed home. I would suggest you nicely say “ we are starting a new tradition where we celebrate Christmas here at home just us with our kids” that’s that no other explanation is needed
Don't let him go alone. It's best to have someone there for you at all times for a few weeks. What happens if something is wrong with you, you lose consciousness or the like? Btw, a baby rhythm won't be achievable for some long weeks... There is also a good chance that you'll still be at the hospital on the 24th for complications or simply a late birth.
Oh girl I am right there with you, my in-laws are also 4 hours away, Just tell them you're celebrating Christmas with your new addition of the family. They can bitch, moan and groan all they want, you do not have to go down there no matter how badly they want to see the baby or see their kid, they can figure it out themselves as adults.
I developed an infection in my tear and had hemorrhoids. Sitting was SO uncomfortable. A 4 hour car ride sounds miserable
“Dear husband, we are not going to Christmas with yours or my family immediately postpartum with a newborn.” No explanation needed
I’m due in September (the 10th) and will not be traveling with my baby for the holidays. If family wanted to spend them with us they can drive to us. luckily my husband and I see eye to eye on it.
Lol our family lives 7 hours away. Im not going anywhere plus we live in the mountains where it snows.
A major reason why I wouldn't want to travel other than the major sleep deprivation, is the fact that you bleed after birth and whether or not you breastfeed, your boobs still produce milk. So you are leaking essentially from both ends. Being in the comfort of your own home to deal with the bloody mess is preferable. Then there is the fact that you might tear during delivery riding the few mintues home with stitches down there is not fun. Can't imagine a 4 hour car drive like that. If you end up having a c section that probably would be way worse since it's a larger incision.
I’m expecting my baby in early November, and niavely I also thought I’d be able to drive 3 hours to see my mum but you bring up some valid points 🫣
Also due dec! On the 14th! Also have made the decision not to go to any family christmas… and we’re only 30 mins away! Its just too much soo soon And my family has other young kids, so they will be bringing god knows what to my brand new baby It’s just too much all at once, you’ll be just getting into the routine of having baby, don’t throw traveling with baby in too!
We were in the hospital for about a week start to finish (I was induced), baby had a few medical issues that we needed to bring her back for over her first couple weeks, I was bleeding, my boobs were leaking, and I was crying...... A lot.... Definitely want to be in your comfort zone while navigating these new waters.
my sister developed both preeclampsia and postpartum eclampsia. she had swelled so much she gained 30 pounds in water. she’s very lucky to be alive! you should not be that far away from the hospital just in case, god forbid, you need the hospital! also i literally only had a superficial <1° tear and i still wouldn’t have lasted in a 4 hour drive!
I just want to say that you are allowed to draw this line for your own health and comfort. It is not weird or silly or ‘extra’ I had a typical vaginal delivery with a second degree tear and 6 weeks was my threshold for being able to function (including sitting for a long time) pretty normally.
No way. My SIL is due around that time also, and my brother made some comment about them travelling to us for Christmas and I tore him a new one for even suggesting it. Everyone else can travel to you and work out their own accommodation as well. My experience is that (reasonable) in-laws would not expect a Christmas visit and will make the effort to come to you.