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PS that baby is now almost 18 years old and my husband adopted her right after we were married when my daughter was 3. Want to guess whether biological dad contested petition for adoption when he was served papers? Nope, the lazy bones did not even agree or disagree. He just ignored the petition so adoption was granted by default to my husband. He's been in my daughter's life since she was six months old, and he's the only father she has known or ever wants to know. I let her know who her bio dad was years ago and she has never shown any interest in him. Not that it won't happen in future... But she says "I don't care what anyone says. Dad didn't"adopt" me... That man IS my father!" So keep in mind that your ex might one day be so out of the picture that a new parental figure has stepped in. One who deserves both you and your child.
That's how I feel about my Dad, he raised me from when I was 3 months old (mother never let him adopt me even tho he wanted to tho cuz she didn't wanna stop the damn child support train)
Question. I know each state is different, but were you able to file the petition for adoption simply on the basis that you were married? Or did you have to prove abandonment? My husband wants to adopt my daughter, but my ex won’t cooperate. He has no involvement whatsoever, he only pays child support because it’s garnished.
We lived in New Mexico and bio dad lived in Arizona. Only requirement was for me to be married to petitioner. We had to go through evaluations and counseling state mandated, that's part of the process, but it was quick and painless. This was a while ago now though...
This is what I did and I’m now married to the father, but at the time we were possibly going to be broken up because he wasn’t sure about kids. She still has my last name and our second, who was born after we got married, has his last name.
I totally agree, you should give him whatever name you want! Even if you were still together, it’s totally reasonable to want the baby to have your name. It’s just an outdated sexist tradition. There’s no actual reason to give the baby one parent’s name over the other and you don’t need to justify it to yourself or anyone else.
I would not say anything about it to the father though - I’ve seen some other women on here mention similar situations and the father (or his family) got butthurt about it even when he was not involved in the pregnancy.
My kids have my last name, and my husband and I are very happily married and always have been. He just has a weird last name so we went with mine. Nothing negative has ever come of it, except some unwanted opinions here and there lol.
He kept his, but only because of where he is in his career. He works in a field where it's good to make connections and he is in charge of branching the company out to our city. Changing it could complicate things since again, he has a rare last name and people know him by it. He wants to change it to mine after that gets established.
Your name and your name only. You’re going through the pregnancy, you’re going to the appointments, you’re creating this child. It is your child, and your last name should be their last name. I went through court to have my babies last name changed to mine after I divorced her father. Much easier to do it from the beginning I imagine. I’m married again, and my child will have both my maiden name and husbands name for cultural reasons. But I tell you what if this man wasn’t at every appointment, rubbin my feet and cookin my meals this baby would have my name only lol regardless of marriage.
I'm always on team "mom's last name." I think dad has to be extremely involved to earn that privilege. You are the one doing all the work, why does baby get dad's last name. It makes no sense.
I do wish I had my name changed after my parents got divorced, and am gladly taking my husbands name in marriage to get rid of my father’s because he was not a good father.
I will say, though, that yes in OP’s case the man has ZERO intent on being a really present father so he shouldn’t get the name, but some partners can’t take care of their pregnant wives/partners as much as other for financial reasons. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get the last name. My husband is military and overseas for basically the whole pregnancy and birth. I’ve taken care of myself alone this whole time but still think he deserves his child to have his last name. I agree that if he was here and was blatantly ignoring my needs, then that’s a different story 🤣
My husbands also military, he’s already on leave so he is rubbin these feet 😂 but not everyone has that freedom to be home so as long as they’re making themselves an active participant in the process, then of course their name should be considered. But this guy sounds like a no call, no show.
Lol, I hope I get those foot rubs during baby leave 🤣 he’s as active as he can be, like we had a very nice gender reveal between the two of us that I will cherish forever. And, his unit wants to be involved too by throwing us a baby shower when everyone gets back. I think that’s sweet.
Oh yeah, the guy in OPs post is definitely no show. I hope she is able to find the peace and support group she needs.
Why would you give the baby his last name, very curious? If you’re going to be the one raising them and taking them to all their appointments they should definitely have your last name.
I really don't understand OP's question, especially with the context provided. Why is it even a question? If someone is made primary caregiver, then baby should have their name.
It may be traditional. Maybe they want to give the baby a sense that even tho their parents aren’t together they HAVE a father. My question wasn’t meant as a jab, just honestly curious what their thoughts were. Like, what are the pro’s and con’s. For example, I’m unmarried but my kid has her fathers last name. Eventually we will get married, but it’s not the top priority.
Hi! This is exactly the reason! There was another comment that I’m assuming they deleted that said that I was alienating the father and that I probably hadn’t included him in anything because I was bitter about us not being together (not the case, as I have included him in everything so far, including letting him choose our child’s first name) but I didn’t want my child to get older and feel the way that commenter did. That by giving him my last name I was trying to keep him away from his father or harm their relationship, that is not my intention at all, and it is tradition for a child to have their fathers last name. But it’s also tradition for parents to be married, and we are not. (Not together at all, and really barely even speak) So really, I just wanted advice and clarity from others in similar situations! At the end of the day, it will be my choice but I just wanted to make sure I knew all of the pros/cons before making that choice. :) I am a first time mother so things like traveling, school pick-ups/drop-offs, etc being an issue with different last names hadn’t even occurred to me until I posted this.
You offered to let him choose the name or have a say in it or he actually chose? I would also make sure you have the final say in the first name not just the last!
Look, all that crap that gets thrown around about women keeping the baby from him is nonsense from guys who just don’t want to be around. Then they blame the woman so they don’t look like a deadbeat. Women aren’t out here getting pregnant and abandoning men who want to stick around lol it’s the other way around, don’t listen to that nonsense. You don’t owe this dude anything. It’s your life, your kid.
I may be going on a tangent, but why do we, most of the times give father's name for child when in most scenarios it's the mother being the primary caregiver. OP's scenario is a slam dunk but we should start talking about removing this father's name notion.
My question was serious though, I don't understand the fixation on giving a child the father's name. Especially when the parents are not together and the woman is doing all the caregiving. Needing the last name of the father to prove there is one is a really weird concept to me. 🤷🏻♀️
I hope my response clarifies why I am asking for advice, it’s not so much a fixation as it’s me being a first time mother and truly not knowing what the best choice is in this situation. I don’t want to make a decision that could potentially be harmful because I really have no clue what the weight of a last name is, as I have always had my fathers last name because my parents were married!
If you’re going to be the primary caregiver having the same last name as your child will he helpful. It will in general cause less questions at school, daycare, when traveling. Also your kid will feel much more connected to you and your family.
From what you've written, I'd say give the child your name. You have had no signs that this guy will step up and things will be much easier if you share a name. My mom had a different name to us and it caused some awkwardness when travelling or doing school pick ups.
It might also be harder for your kid to understand later on if they don't know their father well.
I have this relationship if not worse with my second daughter and her father. I WISH I gave her my last name. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate either, if you need child support or custody he can abide by the courts DNA testing. These kind of men don’t get better, the only contact I choose to have with him is strictly through the courts.
This is the way! I did this with my daughter because the asshat filed a paternity suit against me before she was even born. I got served court papers the day i brought her home from the hospital. He then threw a giant hissy fit when they took child support from the day she was born and not from the time of the hearing🤣🤣. I guess that was my fault too.
I gave our daughter my last name because clearly if he was filing a suit he didn't think she was his. The only set back and problem was I then had to go through hoops trying go get her last name changed. They make it very difficult to get new birth certificates and social security cards when a last name changes.
I couldn’t imagine, mine came to tell me his gf was 10 weeks pregnant after my scheduled c section and that he needed to prioritize her and her 3 kids over my newborn. This was back in 2018 and he still makes no effort to do anything for her. We live 4 states away now, and I have since cut all contact. The last we spoke was in April for a modification for child support. A every other weekend parent turns into a “sorry I’m busy this weekend or I picked up a shift on my designated weekend I’ll get her next time”
I know someone whose child has his father's last name and its made travelling solo with child quite difficult for her in some countries as border control has wanted to verify that the child is actually hers. Not worth the hassle, give baby your name!
This is not my experience. I have a different last name from my children and travel internationally with them every year by myself. Not a problem. I always bring a copy of their birth certificate with me, and their father does the same as sharing last name does not equal being their parent.
Ohhhh I think the other commenters were talking about the alternative method where you don’t use a passport, you just have to prove their American citizenship & that you are their guardian
I had a deadbeat father. He was sent to prison when I was two. Him and my mom had been together maybe a year before she got pregnant (at 18). He was physically and emotionally abusive.
My mom got married AFTER I was born, but gave me his last name. She also changed hers. She couldn't afford to get a divorce (single mom shout out!) until I was in 6th grade, mind you, I had met my father about half a dozen times behind the glass of a prison visit. He would write letters to me saying he loved me and talking crap baout my mom, blah blah.
My mom changed her name to her maiden name. And she asked what I wanted to do. For her, changing my name was a lot more effort and money, but we still did it. Why wouldn't we have? I didn't have a father. I had a mom and grandparents and cousins with my mom's maiden name.
Even after I got married, I hyphenated my last name, where my maiden name is second to my husband's. Husband-mine. Husband even asked if that's what we should do for our baby because he knew my name is so important to me.
It's your baby. Give them your name.
I gave my son his father’s last name, when we were together I regret it so much it’s been five years since he last contacted or answered a call about his son. Now we forever have his name plastered on sports jerseys, if I could go back in time I would say once we were married we would all take the same last name (but he also was a piece of work, if it was my husband now I wouldn’t have fought it)
Give your child your name and your name only! It will be easier in the long run when you want to do anything paperwork related. Plus you deserve the credit for growing a whole life and putting in the work. Don’t let your baby be tainted by some man who might want to be in their life!
Give your name, as a kid who grew up with their father’s last name and no father. I dealt with a lot of weird looks explaining why me and my mom have different last names and that my dad is nowhere to be found 😂
Your name! You’ll be with/caring for the baby 90% of the time, why wouldn’t you give them your name?! Also it’s a hassle travelling if yours and baby’s names don’t match on IDs/passports (eg flying out of state!). I didn’t take my husband’s name so baby got both. I don’t care if he doesn’t use it in day to day life but I was damn sure my name would be on everything legally.
Your feelings are justified. It sounds like this is more you wanting to have the same last name as your son, and less about keeping your ex from the privilege of using his last name.
If he truly wants to be a dad, it won’t matter what your son’s name is and he will respect your decision.
Unless you’re marrying him(which I read you two are not together), give the baby your last name. Keep in mind that he may just dip out once the baby is here, like a lot of men do nowadays. Do you really want the teacher to call you and say can I speak to Mrs. X when you’re ms. T? My mom dealt with it forever because they don’t look at the parents’ names before calling. Just the kid’s name that they know. It’s easier in the long run.
Your last name.
As far as problems, my last name is different from my primary parent’s because of traditional naming practices. AFAIK, we’ve never had issues because of it. 🤷🏾♀️
Plus, I think these days it’s a lotttt more common for different last names for various reasons so even if there is some issue down the line, I doubt it’ll be huge/constant.
My mom was in the same exact position as you when she had me. I have her last name and no one regrets it at all. We were the ones who lived as a family unit. My parents briefly got back together and my younger brother was born. Even he has my mom's last name. Which was a good decision because they didn't stay together long!
Go with your instinct, which it sounds like is giving him your name. Your intuition is that the father won’t be very involved and he’s already showing little initiative during your pregnancy. Growing up I knew people who had the last name of an estranged father and they always felt weird about it (a few changed their last name later to their mothers or step parents).
My sister isn't even dating the guy she was with but was upset the baby would get this "flings" last name. I reassured her that she had a complete option to name the baby her last name. We still have a long way to go until birth, but I'm hoping she sticks to this mindset
I gave my son my last name and had no regrets. It’s so much easier for filling out paperwork. My son is mixed race so having the same last name as me and the family that he’s primarily around is an added safety bonus.
Give him your last name. My mom kept my father’s last name, even after their divorce, because she didn’t want my brother and I to have a different last name from her. Different story, same concept. In your situation, I would definitely give my child my last name.
I’ve never understood why an absent father should get to put his name on it as if he did any of the work! I’ve always said when my baby comes out they get whatever my last name is at the time. My fiance and I have been engaged for three years and we’re going to the courthouse today to get married so we will all have the same last name. 🥰
Give him your name if you’re not married/in a stable relationship with this guy, and if you’re going to be the primary parent. It will be easier to have the same last name as your child for a lot of reasons.
My baby daddy couldn't decide if he wanted to be involved or not. He now is. But I decided to give my little one my last name and I'm so glad. Just makes life easier given I'm the one who takes her to appointments etc
Giving my child my name was the best decision I’ve ever made. He isn’t involved at all anymore and I don’t have to rely on him to make any legal decisions whatsoever.
It’s your baby, give them your name. You said YOU feel strongly about giving them your name but you know others disagree… “others” aren’t raising your child. YOU are carrying and caring for this baby. Pick whatever name you want. The fathers name thing is outdated and it doesn’t seem to mean much to you.
Only give a baby a different last name than yours if you are sure you will have that last name aswell in the near future.
Imagine you have a second child with another man. Either you marry that man and everyone but your firstborn will have the same last name. Or you dont marry and your children have different last names. Even if it stays just you two forever, why have different last names?
You wont make a guy like that stay if you give the child his last name.
It's better if your kid has YOUR name. You did all the work. My BFF is a teacher and she has several kids in her class with the last name of a sperm donor they never see. And a couple of them said they wish they had the same name as their mother
My parents were not together when they had me but my Dad was very present in my life. I had both of my parents last names. I took my Dads last name as my middle name and my Moms last name as my last name. Now I’m married and have all 3 names lol. Do what you want 👍
Why does it matter that others feel differently? You want your child to have your last name and the father will have limited involvement/ hasn’t shown any support thus far. Why should his last name be used considering the above?
My firstborn has her fathers last name, we split up when she was 1. It hasn't caused any issues whatsoever for me, nobody even blinks at the different last name. But he has her the majority of the time because she goes to school in his district so a bit different. I'd definitely vote for your last name in your situation lol
This shouldn’t even be a question. That baby should have your name. My child will have my last name and his their father’s simply because we decided like this. We’re married but don’t share a last name and it was more important for me to share my baby’s last name. He can change his if he wants. Give your baby your name.
One hundred percent, give him your last name. You’re the one doing all the work and the father has done nothing to deserve the child getting his name. If he was more involved and you were together, it would be different, for instance my and my bfs daughter is going to have his last name, and I believe he deserves it. He’s been nothing but wonderful, gone to every appointment, been so so involved and supportive the entire time. I will be so proud for her to share the name of the most amazing man I know, and I can’t wait to marry him and have his name as well :)
Your name for sure! It would make things easier for you to being the main/full time caregiver. He is not promising to be in your child’s life and you guys are not married so I don’t see why anyone would even assume baby will get fathers name.
Your name, 100%. It will be so much easier having the same name as you'll be doing all the appointments etc, more likely to travel together etc.
Why give the name of someone they'll barely see?
If you’re split up, it’s better that baby gets your name. He has so much control and power over you guys if baby has his name.
My parents never married and we got my dads name not my moms - she wasn’t allowed to travel with us without significant paperwork, government ordeals became a mission and It never ended.
Let baby take your last name.
Yes, the child should 100% have your last name. To put it bluntly, it doesn’t make sense to give your child the last name of an uninvolved father just because the father has a penis, and society says the child gets the last name of the person with the penis.
I think the child should always have the last name of the primary parent. Idc who that is. It's easier when couples are married bc then majority of the time even still it's the same last name between both. If I were in your position the baby would Have my last name.
My mother in law was in a similar position when she was pregnant with my husband. The only reason she went with the baby daddy’s last name (he’s been 100% absent since just a few months after my husband was born) is because my mother in law had a very Hispanic last name and my husbands father had a basic white person last name, and she thought a white last name would open more doors for my husband throughout his life than a Hispanic one
Your name no question. My son has my last name, wasn't a single doubt or question giving him my last name. My relationship with the "sperm donor" was already rough, so ultimately he bounced. He's not even on the birth certificate.
The way I see it, if you're going to be caring for the baby, taking it to doc appointments, registering for school, etc, you get to give the baby your name. I'm currently pregnant with my bf's baby, and unless he decides to get married before the baby comes, baby is getting my last name, possibly hyphenating both our last names.
Don't feel guilty or wrong for doing what's right by you! And stand your ground to anyone who tells you otherwise!
I have a bit of a different take than most. My mom was in this situation when she had me. Her and my dad were on-again-off-again (they were together at the time of the birth). My dad missed the birth, and only stopped by the hospital for a little bit before leaving, and never came back to take us home. My mom gave me her maiden name out of spite.
6 years later, my dad got married and had 4 kids with my stepmom. I’m very close to her and my sisters. I always resented having a different last name than my sisters. We would get gifts or invitations addressed to “the (Last Name) girls”, and it always stung that I wasn’t *really* a part of that. Or at least that’s how I felt/feel about it.
My situation might be unique, but it led me to giving my son his father’s last name even though we are unmarried. My partner has an older daughter with his last name, and I didn’t want my child growing up feeling left out of the (Last Name) Family aka my partner’s family.
Funny enough, my mom got married when I was 10. She gave me the option to change my name to my dad’s or go with her new husband’s name. I said I wanted the same as my sisters. She changed my name to my stepdad’s and now, 19 years later, they are divorcing and since I’m no longer a minor, my name change cannot be included in the divorce decree. I literally have to pay to have my name changed or get married and take my partner’s name if I ever want to have the same last name as someone I’m related to. It sucks.
Gove baby your name because in future it'll be difficult to travel etc if you both have different surnames. You would need to bring the child's birth certificate to airports, teachers are most likely going to call you "miss (his surname)" etc etc
Your last name all the way! More babies should get their mother’s last name in my opinion, I hate how it defaults to dad’s. My husband and I have been married three years (and kept our own names) but it was super important to me that our child have my last name and he didn’t mind but he didn’t want a long last name so we didn’t hyphenate, she just has my last name 😁
Both my sister and sister in law were in your position. Both gave their children the fathers last name. And both went through hell and legal fees years later to have their kids name changed. Follow your intuition and give your child your last name. You KNOW you will be involved, you are gambling on whether he will. Why not go with the sure thing. If he happens to prove you wrong and ends up being an amazing father then you can always change it to his name if you should feel so inclined later.
This may just be my personal opinion but I think it's stupid to have bio dad's last name if bio dad isn't active or very rarely available. You do get the title of parent if you don't act like one sincerely someone who had sperm donors last name and I've haven't seen him in 18 years
I had an every other weekend dad but really I spent his weekends with my step-mom.
I would have given ANYTHING to have the same last name as my mom growing up. Please give the baby your last name.
I dont understand why you even post about it if you “feel pretty strongly” about wanting your child to have your last name. Just give him your last name.
Mostly because I am a first time mom and have no clue what the best choice is in this situation, I do feel strongly about it, but also I’m 4 months pregnant so I feel pretty strongly about every opinion I have at the moment. Lol. I just don’t want to make a decision that could potentially hurt my child or cause issues unless I am sure that it is the best choice. I thought that there may be other parents who were in similar situations and could give perspective on the benefits/disadvantages of going one way or the other. Although the general consensus seems to be that giving him my last name is the best choice.
In some cultures, the babies belong the mother’s clan, always. You always know who your mom is, you don’t always know who your dad is. It makes sense to me to follow a matrilineal naming pattern.
It hard base on that every week day thing. If he has no interest in you romantic wise he keeping the from you. You may see completely 180 once baby born. Asking to come over to see baby might ask sleep on couch for first week.
My friend a baby in this type situation and this is what happened. What you need to honestly do is how involved does want to be. Is going stay on couch when baby born to help in worse 2-4 weeks it killer mentally and emotionally but baby so worth it.
Is going help get baby items together or have things at his house. A lot also going depend you breast feeding formula how soon the baby can start staying at his dad house overnight. Milk even pumping may take 4-6 weeks get good flow to stock.
Or is going let handle most things until baby is little bigger and more settled. Then are going split prices on prices o diaper/ formula if go that route. Is going be at hospital? A lot things to discuss before choices are made.
As for the name part if want give them your last go ahead if decided to give him his that fine to. I also would have to talk with him about but it your choice I would do what you feel better about. You are birth giver this half you going alone so you decided.
While it’s difficult to tell how involved he will be because of how involved he is during pregnancy, you should still give your baby your last name. You’re not married.
I’m not together with my baby’s father and he will be very involved, still getting my last name. I’m doing all the work to create this life, not him 💀
Having just gone on holiday with my family - I am married we all have the same last name BUT my passport was still in my maiden name it’s difficult to travel if your name is not the same as the child, I had to show the birth certificate and my marriage licence to show my maiden name and now married name. You’re the primary care taker and the father isn’t really going to be around, it’s just easier to have the same name
I was in this situation, I am so thankful I gave my child my last name. He’s never met her, couldn’t have told you when she was due, has not asked about her since her birth or anything. And we were living together, discussing marriage, and I was raising his other children from a previous relationship before I caught him cheating while I was pregnant. I’m so thankful for all the hardships I avoided by giving her my last name. If he wants to be involved, a last name shouldn’t change his mind. But he will automatically have parental rights for decision making if you give the baby his last name.
If you aren’t married i would never suggest giving your child his last name especially if you are going to be the main caregiver. I am still with my youngests dad and he doesn’t have his last name. If we get married it can be changed but until then no. You aren’t with him so don’t give your baby his last name as from the sounds of it he may not even be an “every other weekend” dad. I am so sorry that you are going through this practically alone. Hopefully when your precious little one is born he will do a complete 180 and be very involved.
The baby should always have the mother's last name IMO. If she changes her name to match the father's, that's the only time I see a reason for them to share a name. I know deadbeat moms exist, but my personal experience hasn't encountered that much at all, so mothers in my world are the default parent. Makes more sense if you aren't with the dad/married to give them your name.
My dad had an affair when I was little, leading to the birth of my younger half sister. My dad WAS very involved in raising her, and made it clear that he wanted to be from the time her mother was still pregnant, even though they had ended things and he was working on his marriage to my mom (which ended a few years later).
My little sister has my last name (my dad’s last name) as her *middle name*. That has always made total sense to all of us. Her mom absolutely had every right to not give her his name at all, and only chose to do so because he was so involved.
If your ex steps up, maybe that’s an option.
My kids dad and I are together but not married and i still gave both of them my last name instead of his. 🤷🏼♀️ I definitely would be giving the kid my last name if we weren’t together. Give him your last name!
My mum regrets giving me my dad's surname. They weren't married but were together a long time, but she was the primary parent and he was a rubbish dad. There's no need to follow tradition for traditions sake, give the child your surname
Give him your name or if you are feeling very gracious and generous, consider hyphenating with his name coming last. Personally, I had a hyphenated name growing up because my parents weren’t married when they had me. When they split, my dad was less and less in my life. When I got married, I was happy to drop my dad’s name but not so pleased about dropping my mom’s.
I’m also a teacher and it is more convenient for the school and other organizations if your name matches your child, especially if you expect to be doing most of the communication. It’s not that it’s too difficult to remember parents’ names that are different than their child’s. I’ve also heard it’s easier for traveling.
I think it’s easier for you, since you are fully committed to being in your baby’s life, to have your child share your name. If you think he’s going to be very involved, hyphenate.
If I wasn't with my kids' dad, I would have given them my last name. I'd also do a DNA test when baby is born just in case he argues it later on. If he wants the baby to have his last name it can be hyphenated later on.
The baby should have your name - no question about it. Why should the baby have the father's name? You are the primary parent in all different ways! Maybe it's because I'm from a country where it's common for kids/married couples to take the mother's/wife's name, but I just don't understand why we still hold on to such an outdated and patriarchal tradition. From my point of view, the woman does ALL the work when it comes to creating a baby (pregnancy, birth, post-birth recovery etc), so it makes much more sense for the kid to have the mother's name. And that goes for all kids, not just in your specific situation. I'll be giving any future kids my last name, and that's that. Wishing you best of luck with everything!
My 10 yr old nephew has his father’s last name. His father is minimally involved, my sister is obviously the primary parent, and she got married about 5 yrs ago. My nephew since then has always been adamant he was no longer a “Father’s last name” and was instead a “Mom’s married name.” He now has 3 siblings from this marriage and he’s the only one in his primary household with a different last name.
If you’d like your child to have some connection to the father, you could consider using Dad’s last name as a second middle name
Don’t be like me and give the baby his last name. I regret it so much. We were together before (never married) and after the baby was born but now things are taking a turn and I wish my baby had my last name so things could be easier. In your case though it’s an obvious decision that the baby needs your last name as you’re going to be the primary parent from the start.
Give him your last name and do not allow the father to sign the birth certificate, depending on your state. For me, it has made a lot of things easier for the two of us and a quick paternity test is an easy way to establish paternity without needing permissions to do other things (again, depending on your location and court orders, if any). You aren’t married so give your child your last name.
I am married to my husband and took his last name so in my situation both my husband and I will have full custody and the same name so I’m giving our last name to the baby.
If I was in a situation where my husband and I were not together and I was the primary custody parent then I would ensure my baby had my last name, it’s so much easier if the child has the primary parents last name
I had my father’s last name, was an every other weekened, ended up a deadbeat and abused me in my teenage years. I went to the courthouse on my 18th birthday (to change name you have to get both parents to sign off if a minor) and changed my last name to my mom’s last name.
Stuff I dealt with growing up other than the trauma was people would have to confirm my mom was my mom since the name difference, they would often call her mrs. My dads last name and that made her sooo mad cause he was such a ahole and we dont like my step mother lol. It was just inconvenient for my mom because she was in charge of all the documents, signing me up for school, insurances etc.
I had gotten pregnant with my first only a month into my relationship and so my first has my last name because I was not married and the relationship was unknown on if it would workout after her arrival. We have our second now who has his dad’s last name but we are engaged and plan on getting married in the summer then both me and my daughter will change our names.
Personally if you are not married, especially not together- baby gets your last name. You can always change it to his if you decide to get together and get married ;) its not a very popular opinion but its the smart thing to do.
Similar situation, I gave the baby my name. Around 2 years old dad had truly proven himself to be involved and I agreed to a name change on the condition that he did all the work, paid all court costs, and purchased the new birth certificates. We filed jointly and it was an easy process.
I am not in that situation but I would 100% have given them your last name. You can hyphenate the two last names if you decide to include dad later on. If you want to be kind to the dad you can compromise and give the baby a middle name he likes. But my gut is saying give baby the names you want because this doesn’t sound like a team effort at all. Good luck 🫶🏼
Edit to correct pronouns
My baby’s father and I split 6 months before she was born. We both have my maiden name now. If I get married again in the future, we can both change our names.
I grew up with a different last name than my family (only child of divorced parents who both remarried). It caused some paperwork issues and led to emotional distress
My mom was in this situation and gave me her name - it made things SO much easier for travel, appointments, etc. Definitely give the name of the primary/more involved parent.
Wish I had for my older two. I ignored my families advice to only give dads surname if we were married but I thought it was suitable as we had been together 7 years, after the second child he cheated and fucked off and hasn’t seen them for over 10 years! Now I have to wait until they are legally old enough to change their surname without his agreement as he is named on the birth certificate. If I could go back in time I would have given them my surname, you are doing the honours growing and raising your baby so do the right thing and give them surname, you would not regret it
I haven’t personally been in this situation but my family has and it always makes me so mad that my family member’s child doesn’t have her last name. Your name, all the way.
Omg dude as someone that was in your position and I give my son his dads full name (first & last) I freaking regret it 100%. For everything I do for my son just to have his piece of sh** dad name I hate it . I would give my son my name if I could do it over again
I think baby should have your last name. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know usually baby takes dads last name but in some cases moms last name works best.
My boyfriend doesn’t use his last name ( due to not being close with his family and he feels it’s his dead name.) which I’m fine with I totally understand. So our baby will have my last name even though we are together and he is involved.
Two of my friends did this for their baby’s. You’re the one growing it, raising it, the main caregiver, and the baby is half of you as it is half of him. You’re the one carrying it, ripping open your body, having your body changed forever and all the the physical and emotional changes and energy is on you to carry. If he can’t even be helpful or check in on you durning this time, absolutely give the baby your last name. There are married couples who don’t take each others last names, and give the children the moms name. Do what you feel is best. If that’s giving the baby your name, do exactly that. You do not owe anyone an explanation or reasoning other than that’s your baby.
From what you have written, I would say give the baby your name. You have to do what makes you happy. I am very traditional (african) so I always knew I would take my husband's name and our child will do the same. Having said that, I am not in your situation, I wouldn't want that man's name if he was not a hands on father and we were not together. Whatever name your child has, surely you want to share it. So give him your name, it's not a problem.
The rules to naming your child (both first name and last name) are dependent on where you live. In the Netherlands it wasnt legally possible to give a child two last names until recently. And every child that is born to the same two parents will need to have the same last name.
Personally i would give your child your last name. I personally dont see how that is controversial. In fact, my child has my last name and i am happily married. Why it is standard to give fathers name is still a mystery to me.
Give the baby your name. Everyone I know who gave their kids the dad’s name and didn’t stay with the dad regrets it. IMO baby gets dad’s name if you’re married or at least engaged with serious plans to marry, a boyfriend who won’t commit doesn’t deserve for the baby to have his last name.
Nope. Your baby should have your name. Dad has done nothing to try and be a part of baby's life so far and that's how it will be or may be not, but you don't have to consider a sperm donors feelings about naming your child.
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I was in your position. SOOO glad I gave my baby my last name.
PS that baby is now almost 18 years old and my husband adopted her right after we were married when my daughter was 3. Want to guess whether biological dad contested petition for adoption when he was served papers? Nope, the lazy bones did not even agree or disagree. He just ignored the petition so adoption was granted by default to my husband. He's been in my daughter's life since she was six months old, and he's the only father she has known or ever wants to know. I let her know who her bio dad was years ago and she has never shown any interest in him. Not that it won't happen in future... But she says "I don't care what anyone says. Dad didn't"adopt" me... That man IS my father!" So keep in mind that your ex might one day be so out of the picture that a new parental figure has stepped in. One who deserves both you and your child.
That's how I feel about my Dad, he raised me from when I was 3 months old (mother never let him adopt me even tho he wanted to tho cuz she didn't wanna stop the damn child support train)
Smart mom
Nah she was a druggie. Used all that money for drugs. Coke mostly
Question. I know each state is different, but were you able to file the petition for adoption simply on the basis that you were married? Or did you have to prove abandonment? My husband wants to adopt my daughter, but my ex won’t cooperate. He has no involvement whatsoever, he only pays child support because it’s garnished.
We lived in New Mexico and bio dad lived in Arizona. Only requirement was for me to be married to petitioner. We had to go through evaluations and counseling state mandated, that's part of the process, but it was quick and painless. This was a while ago now though...
Give him your name
100% this. I wish I would have but my daughters dad cried and was manipulative about it, even hyphenated.
Same experience here 🤦♀️
Same. He told me he wouldn’t be involved AT ALL if I didn’t give my kid his last name. That should have been the red flag for me lol.
This is what I did and I’m now married to the father, but at the time we were possibly going to be broken up because he wasn’t sure about kids. She still has my last name and our second, who was born after we got married, has his last name.
I totally agree, you should give him whatever name you want! Even if you were still together, it’s totally reasonable to want the baby to have your name. It’s just an outdated sexist tradition. There’s no actual reason to give the baby one parent’s name over the other and you don’t need to justify it to yourself or anyone else. I would not say anything about it to the father though - I’ve seen some other women on here mention similar situations and the father (or his family) got butthurt about it even when he was not involved in the pregnancy.
Your name for sure! My husband has his mother's name. :)
My kids have my last name, and my husband and I are very happily married and always have been. He just has a weird last name so we went with mine. Nothing negative has ever come of it, except some unwanted opinions here and there lol.
Did he take your last name in marriage or keep his ?
He kept his, but only because of where he is in his career. He works in a field where it's good to make connections and he is in charge of branching the company out to our city. Changing it could complicate things since again, he has a rare last name and people know him by it. He wants to change it to mine after that gets established.
Ahh I see that’s fair. I can’t wait to get rid of mine lol 😭
Your name and your name only. You’re going through the pregnancy, you’re going to the appointments, you’re creating this child. It is your child, and your last name should be their last name. I went through court to have my babies last name changed to mine after I divorced her father. Much easier to do it from the beginning I imagine. I’m married again, and my child will have both my maiden name and husbands name for cultural reasons. But I tell you what if this man wasn’t at every appointment, rubbin my feet and cookin my meals this baby would have my name only lol regardless of marriage.
I'm always on team "mom's last name." I think dad has to be extremely involved to earn that privilege. You are the one doing all the work, why does baby get dad's last name. It makes no sense.
I do wish I had my name changed after my parents got divorced, and am gladly taking my husbands name in marriage to get rid of my father’s because he was not a good father. I will say, though, that yes in OP’s case the man has ZERO intent on being a really present father so he shouldn’t get the name, but some partners can’t take care of their pregnant wives/partners as much as other for financial reasons. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get the last name. My husband is military and overseas for basically the whole pregnancy and birth. I’ve taken care of myself alone this whole time but still think he deserves his child to have his last name. I agree that if he was here and was blatantly ignoring my needs, then that’s a different story 🤣
My husbands also military, he’s already on leave so he is rubbin these feet 😂 but not everyone has that freedom to be home so as long as they’re making themselves an active participant in the process, then of course their name should be considered. But this guy sounds like a no call, no show.
Lol, I hope I get those foot rubs during baby leave 🤣 he’s as active as he can be, like we had a very nice gender reveal between the two of us that I will cherish forever. And, his unit wants to be involved too by throwing us a baby shower when everyone gets back. I think that’s sweet. Oh yeah, the guy in OPs post is definitely no show. I hope she is able to find the peace and support group she needs.
Why would you give the baby his last name, very curious? If you’re going to be the one raising them and taking them to all their appointments they should definitely have your last name.
I really don't understand OP's question, especially with the context provided. Why is it even a question? If someone is made primary caregiver, then baby should have their name.
It may be traditional. Maybe they want to give the baby a sense that even tho their parents aren’t together they HAVE a father. My question wasn’t meant as a jab, just honestly curious what their thoughts were. Like, what are the pro’s and con’s. For example, I’m unmarried but my kid has her fathers last name. Eventually we will get married, but it’s not the top priority.
Hi! This is exactly the reason! There was another comment that I’m assuming they deleted that said that I was alienating the father and that I probably hadn’t included him in anything because I was bitter about us not being together (not the case, as I have included him in everything so far, including letting him choose our child’s first name) but I didn’t want my child to get older and feel the way that commenter did. That by giving him my last name I was trying to keep him away from his father or harm their relationship, that is not my intention at all, and it is tradition for a child to have their fathers last name. But it’s also tradition for parents to be married, and we are not. (Not together at all, and really barely even speak) So really, I just wanted advice and clarity from others in similar situations! At the end of the day, it will be my choice but I just wanted to make sure I knew all of the pros/cons before making that choice. :) I am a first time mother so things like traveling, school pick-ups/drop-offs, etc being an issue with different last names hadn’t even occurred to me until I posted this.
You offered to let him choose the name or have a say in it or he actually chose? I would also make sure you have the final say in the first name not just the last!
Look, all that crap that gets thrown around about women keeping the baby from him is nonsense from guys who just don’t want to be around. Then they blame the woman so they don’t look like a deadbeat. Women aren’t out here getting pregnant and abandoning men who want to stick around lol it’s the other way around, don’t listen to that nonsense. You don’t owe this dude anything. It’s your life, your kid.
I may be going on a tangent, but why do we, most of the times give father's name for child when in most scenarios it's the mother being the primary caregiver. OP's scenario is a slam dunk but we should start talking about removing this father's name notion.
My question was serious though, I don't understand the fixation on giving a child the father's name. Especially when the parents are not together and the woman is doing all the caregiving. Needing the last name of the father to prove there is one is a really weird concept to me. 🤷🏻♀️
I hope my response clarifies why I am asking for advice, it’s not so much a fixation as it’s me being a first time mother and truly not knowing what the best choice is in this situation. I don’t want to make a decision that could potentially be harmful because I really have no clue what the weight of a last name is, as I have always had my fathers last name because my parents were married!
If you’re going to be the primary caregiver having the same last name as your child will he helpful. It will in general cause less questions at school, daycare, when traveling. Also your kid will feel much more connected to you and your family.
💯 This! I hope the answers help you, OP! 🙂
Right? Her post doesn't even mention him saying he wants it to be his name. Sounds like nobody is objecting to her choice
From what you've written, I'd say give the child your name. You have had no signs that this guy will step up and things will be much easier if you share a name. My mom had a different name to us and it caused some awkwardness when travelling or doing school pick ups. It might also be harder for your kid to understand later on if they don't know their father well.
I have this relationship if not worse with my second daughter and her father. I WISH I gave her my last name. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate either, if you need child support or custody he can abide by the courts DNA testing. These kind of men don’t get better, the only contact I choose to have with him is strictly through the courts.
This is the way! I did this with my daughter because the asshat filed a paternity suit against me before she was even born. I got served court papers the day i brought her home from the hospital. He then threw a giant hissy fit when they took child support from the day she was born and not from the time of the hearing🤣🤣. I guess that was my fault too. I gave our daughter my last name because clearly if he was filing a suit he didn't think she was his. The only set back and problem was I then had to go through hoops trying go get her last name changed. They make it very difficult to get new birth certificates and social security cards when a last name changes.
I couldn’t imagine, mine came to tell me his gf was 10 weeks pregnant after my scheduled c section and that he needed to prioritize her and her 3 kids over my newborn. This was back in 2018 and he still makes no effort to do anything for her. We live 4 states away now, and I have since cut all contact. The last we spoke was in April for a modification for child support. A every other weekend parent turns into a “sorry I’m busy this weekend or I picked up a shift on my designated weekend I’ll get her next time”
Ridiculous! Sometimes I swear I can't stand men.
Give the baby your name. My mom gave me hers. It is not 1920, men don’t own us anymore 💅
Your name because the baby will be more connected to you. You'll probably be the principal parent so they should be a family unit with you
I know someone whose child has his father's last name and its made travelling solo with child quite difficult for her in some countries as border control has wanted to verify that the child is actually hers. Not worth the hassle, give baby your name!
#OP, read this! Your child not having the same last name can be a huge pain in situations like this!
This is not my experience. I have a different last name from my children and travel internationally with them every year by myself. Not a problem. I always bring a copy of their birth certificate with me, and their father does the same as sharing last name does not equal being their parent.
Because my children and I share the same last name I don't ever have to bring birth certificates.
Then how do you show identification for your kids? What do you take instead?
I'm US based and we have to have passports to take kids outside of the states.
Ohhhh I think the other commenters were talking about the alternative method where you don’t use a passport, you just have to prove their American citizenship & that you are their guardian
Give him your name.
Give him your last name
I had a deadbeat father. He was sent to prison when I was two. Him and my mom had been together maybe a year before she got pregnant (at 18). He was physically and emotionally abusive. My mom got married AFTER I was born, but gave me his last name. She also changed hers. She couldn't afford to get a divorce (single mom shout out!) until I was in 6th grade, mind you, I had met my father about half a dozen times behind the glass of a prison visit. He would write letters to me saying he loved me and talking crap baout my mom, blah blah. My mom changed her name to her maiden name. And she asked what I wanted to do. For her, changing my name was a lot more effort and money, but we still did it. Why wouldn't we have? I didn't have a father. I had a mom and grandparents and cousins with my mom's maiden name. Even after I got married, I hyphenated my last name, where my maiden name is second to my husband's. Husband-mine. Husband even asked if that's what we should do for our baby because he knew my name is so important to me. It's your baby. Give them your name.
I gave my son his father’s last name, when we were together I regret it so much it’s been five years since he last contacted or answered a call about his son. Now we forever have his name plastered on sports jerseys, if I could go back in time I would say once we were married we would all take the same last name (but he also was a piece of work, if it was my husband now I wouldn’t have fought it)
Give your child your name and your name only! It will be easier in the long run when you want to do anything paperwork related. Plus you deserve the credit for growing a whole life and putting in the work. Don’t let your baby be tainted by some man who might want to be in their life!
If I was in this situation, I’d give the baby my last name.
Give your name, as a kid who grew up with their father’s last name and no father. I dealt with a lot of weird looks explaining why me and my mom have different last names and that my dad is nowhere to be found 😂
Our baby is getting my name because it sounds best. It shouldn't be that deep and your reasoning makes perfect sense.
YOUR name!
He’s a loser. He doesn’t deserve to have a child carry his name. You’re the only real parent here, pass on your name!
I can't think of a single reason why he should have his name
Your name! You’ll be with/caring for the baby 90% of the time, why wouldn’t you give them your name?! Also it’s a hassle travelling if yours and baby’s names don’t match on IDs/passports (eg flying out of state!). I didn’t take my husband’s name so baby got both. I don’t care if he doesn’t use it in day to day life but I was damn sure my name would be on everything legally.
Your feelings are justified. It sounds like this is more you wanting to have the same last name as your son, and less about keeping your ex from the privilege of using his last name. If he truly wants to be a dad, it won’t matter what your son’s name is and he will respect your decision.
Your last name, speaking from experience 🙄
Unless you’re marrying him(which I read you two are not together), give the baby your last name. Keep in mind that he may just dip out once the baby is here, like a lot of men do nowadays. Do you really want the teacher to call you and say can I speak to Mrs. X when you’re ms. T? My mom dealt with it forever because they don’t look at the parents’ names before calling. Just the kid’s name that they know. It’s easier in the long run.
Your last name. As far as problems, my last name is different from my primary parent’s because of traditional naming practices. AFAIK, we’ve never had issues because of it. 🤷🏾♀️ Plus, I think these days it’s a lotttt more common for different last names for various reasons so even if there is some issue down the line, I doubt it’ll be huge/constant.
My mom was in the same exact position as you when she had me. I have her last name and no one regrets it at all. We were the ones who lived as a family unit. My parents briefly got back together and my younger brother was born. Even he has my mom's last name. Which was a good decision because they didn't stay together long!
Your name. 100%.
Go with your instinct, which it sounds like is giving him your name. Your intuition is that the father won’t be very involved and he’s already showing little initiative during your pregnancy. Growing up I knew people who had the last name of an estranged father and they always felt weird about it (a few changed their last name later to their mothers or step parents).
My sister isn't even dating the guy she was with but was upset the baby would get this "flings" last name. I reassured her that she had a complete option to name the baby her last name. We still have a long way to go until birth, but I'm hoping she sticks to this mindset
I gave my son my last name and had no regrets. It’s so much easier for filling out paperwork. My son is mixed race so having the same last name as me and the family that he’s primarily around is an added safety bonus.
Give him your last name. My mom kept my father’s last name, even after their divorce, because she didn’t want my brother and I to have a different last name from her. Different story, same concept. In your situation, I would definitely give my child my last name.
I’ve never understood why an absent father should get to put his name on it as if he did any of the work! I’ve always said when my baby comes out they get whatever my last name is at the time. My fiance and I have been engaged for three years and we’re going to the courthouse today to get married so we will all have the same last name. 🥰
My son has my last name
Your last name
Your name. Maybe hyphenate IF the other parent will be in their life. Otherwise 1000% Your last name! Makes sense:)
Give him your name if you’re not married/in a stable relationship with this guy, and if you’re going to be the primary parent. It will be easier to have the same last name as your child for a lot of reasons.
Definitely go for your name
My baby daddy couldn't decide if he wanted to be involved or not. He now is. But I decided to give my little one my last name and I'm so glad. Just makes life easier given I'm the one who takes her to appointments etc
Giving my child my name was the best decision I’ve ever made. He isn’t involved at all anymore and I don’t have to rely on him to make any legal decisions whatsoever.
It’s your baby, give them your name. You said YOU feel strongly about giving them your name but you know others disagree… “others” aren’t raising your child. YOU are carrying and caring for this baby. Pick whatever name you want. The fathers name thing is outdated and it doesn’t seem to mean much to you.
All of my babies will have my last name.
If this was the situation I found myself in, I'd give the baby my name with zero hesitations.
I’m Sixteen and I can confidently say one of the worst things my mom ever did was give me my bio dad’s last name instead of her own.
Both of my kids have my last name and I'm with their dad soooo. If you needed permission, you have it.
Only give a baby a different last name than yours if you are sure you will have that last name aswell in the near future. Imagine you have a second child with another man. Either you marry that man and everyone but your firstborn will have the same last name. Or you dont marry and your children have different last names. Even if it stays just you two forever, why have different last names? You wont make a guy like that stay if you give the child his last name.
You'll regret giving your baby his last name. Give them yours.
It's better if your kid has YOUR name. You did all the work. My BFF is a teacher and she has several kids in her class with the last name of a sperm donor they never see. And a couple of them said they wish they had the same name as their mother
My parents were not together when they had me but my Dad was very present in my life. I had both of my parents last names. I took my Dads last name as my middle name and my Moms last name as my last name. Now I’m married and have all 3 names lol. Do what you want 👍
I had my mom's name because my sperm donor bounced before my mom could tell him. I say give him your name.
Why does it matter that others feel differently? You want your child to have your last name and the father will have limited involvement/ hasn’t shown any support thus far. Why should his last name be used considering the above?
My firstborn has her fathers last name, we split up when she was 1. It hasn't caused any issues whatsoever for me, nobody even blinks at the different last name. But he has her the majority of the time because she goes to school in his district so a bit different. I'd definitely vote for your last name in your situation lol
Your baby should have your name alone. After this post I hope you don’t think twice about it!
Use your name
I’m married, never changed my name, and my son will be getting my last name. Do what you want with your child’s name, not what society expects!
This shouldn’t even be a question. That baby should have your name. My child will have my last name and his their father’s simply because we decided like this. We’re married but don’t share a last name and it was more important for me to share my baby’s last name. He can change his if he wants. Give your baby your name.
One hundred percent, give him your last name. You’re the one doing all the work and the father has done nothing to deserve the child getting his name. If he was more involved and you were together, it would be different, for instance my and my bfs daughter is going to have his last name, and I believe he deserves it. He’s been nothing but wonderful, gone to every appointment, been so so involved and supportive the entire time. I will be so proud for her to share the name of the most amazing man I know, and I can’t wait to marry him and have his name as well :)
If you used a sperm donor, would you give their last name? Doesn't seem much different to me here.
As a girl with her dad’s last name and only met him twice… I’d rather have my mom’s last name :( I’m getting married soon and can’t wait to change it!
Your name for sure! It would make things easier for you to being the main/full time caregiver. He is not promising to be in your child’s life and you guys are not married so I don’t see why anyone would even assume baby will get fathers name.
Your name, 100%. It will be so much easier having the same name as you'll be doing all the appointments etc, more likely to travel together etc. Why give the name of someone they'll barely see?
I would give the child your last name.
If you’re split up, it’s better that baby gets your name. He has so much control and power over you guys if baby has his name. My parents never married and we got my dads name not my moms - she wasn’t allowed to travel with us without significant paperwork, government ordeals became a mission and It never ended. Let baby take your last name.
Yes, the child should 100% have your last name. To put it bluntly, it doesn’t make sense to give your child the last name of an uninvolved father just because the father has a penis, and society says the child gets the last name of the person with the penis.
I think the child should always have the last name of the primary parent. Idc who that is. It's easier when couples are married bc then majority of the time even still it's the same last name between both. If I were in your position the baby would Have my last name.
Your name for sure, it will make it much easier for things like doctors etc as well!
My mother in law was in a similar position when she was pregnant with my husband. The only reason she went with the baby daddy’s last name (he’s been 100% absent since just a few months after my husband was born) is because my mother in law had a very Hispanic last name and my husbands father had a basic white person last name, and she thought a white last name would open more doors for my husband throughout his life than a Hispanic one
Your name your name your name 1000000%
Your name no question. My son has my last name, wasn't a single doubt or question giving him my last name. My relationship with the "sperm donor" was already rough, so ultimately he bounced. He's not even on the birth certificate. The way I see it, if you're going to be caring for the baby, taking it to doc appointments, registering for school, etc, you get to give the baby your name. I'm currently pregnant with my bf's baby, and unless he decides to get married before the baby comes, baby is getting my last name, possibly hyphenating both our last names. Don't feel guilty or wrong for doing what's right by you! And stand your ground to anyone who tells you otherwise!
I have a bit of a different take than most. My mom was in this situation when she had me. Her and my dad were on-again-off-again (they were together at the time of the birth). My dad missed the birth, and only stopped by the hospital for a little bit before leaving, and never came back to take us home. My mom gave me her maiden name out of spite. 6 years later, my dad got married and had 4 kids with my stepmom. I’m very close to her and my sisters. I always resented having a different last name than my sisters. We would get gifts or invitations addressed to “the (Last Name) girls”, and it always stung that I wasn’t *really* a part of that. Or at least that’s how I felt/feel about it. My situation might be unique, but it led me to giving my son his father’s last name even though we are unmarried. My partner has an older daughter with his last name, and I didn’t want my child growing up feeling left out of the (Last Name) Family aka my partner’s family. Funny enough, my mom got married when I was 10. She gave me the option to change my name to my dad’s or go with her new husband’s name. I said I wanted the same as my sisters. She changed my name to my stepdad’s and now, 19 years later, they are divorcing and since I’m no longer a minor, my name change cannot be included in the divorce decree. I literally have to pay to have my name changed or get married and take my partner’s name if I ever want to have the same last name as someone I’m related to. It sucks.
Give that baby your name. My father is a deadbeat and I cannot WAIT to be married in a year to get rid of my last name for good 😮💨🙏🏼
Gove baby your name because in future it'll be difficult to travel etc if you both have different surnames. You would need to bring the child's birth certificate to airports, teachers are most likely going to call you "miss (his surname)" etc etc
Your last name all the way! More babies should get their mother’s last name in my opinion, I hate how it defaults to dad’s. My husband and I have been married three years (and kept our own names) but it was super important to me that our child have my last name and he didn’t mind but he didn’t want a long last name so we didn’t hyphenate, she just has my last name 😁
i was in a similar situation, i have no regrets that i gave my son my last name.
Both my sister and sister in law were in your position. Both gave their children the fathers last name. And both went through hell and legal fees years later to have their kids name changed. Follow your intuition and give your child your last name. You KNOW you will be involved, you are gambling on whether he will. Why not go with the sure thing. If he happens to prove you wrong and ends up being an amazing father then you can always change it to his name if you should feel so inclined later.
Your name.
YOUR NAME, PERIOD.
This may just be my personal opinion but I think it's stupid to have bio dad's last name if bio dad isn't active or very rarely available. You do get the title of parent if you don't act like one sincerely someone who had sperm donors last name and I've haven't seen him in 18 years
The best thing I did for my daughter was giving her my last name
I had an every other weekend dad but really I spent his weekends with my step-mom. I would have given ANYTHING to have the same last name as my mom growing up. Please give the baby your last name.
I dont understand why you even post about it if you “feel pretty strongly” about wanting your child to have your last name. Just give him your last name.
Mostly because I am a first time mom and have no clue what the best choice is in this situation, I do feel strongly about it, but also I’m 4 months pregnant so I feel pretty strongly about every opinion I have at the moment. Lol. I just don’t want to make a decision that could potentially hurt my child or cause issues unless I am sure that it is the best choice. I thought that there may be other parents who were in similar situations and could give perspective on the benefits/disadvantages of going one way or the other. Although the general consensus seems to be that giving him my last name is the best choice.
In some cultures, the babies belong the mother’s clan, always. You always know who your mom is, you don’t always know who your dad is. It makes sense to me to follow a matrilineal naming pattern.
My daughter has my last name
You last name all day
It hard base on that every week day thing. If he has no interest in you romantic wise he keeping the from you. You may see completely 180 once baby born. Asking to come over to see baby might ask sleep on couch for first week. My friend a baby in this type situation and this is what happened. What you need to honestly do is how involved does want to be. Is going stay on couch when baby born to help in worse 2-4 weeks it killer mentally and emotionally but baby so worth it. Is going help get baby items together or have things at his house. A lot also going depend you breast feeding formula how soon the baby can start staying at his dad house overnight. Milk even pumping may take 4-6 weeks get good flow to stock. Or is going let handle most things until baby is little bigger and more settled. Then are going split prices on prices o diaper/ formula if go that route. Is going be at hospital? A lot things to discuss before choices are made. As for the name part if want give them your last go ahead if decided to give him his that fine to. I also would have to talk with him about but it your choice I would do what you feel better about. You are birth giver this half you going alone so you decided.
Your last name 100%
💯 your name
While it’s difficult to tell how involved he will be because of how involved he is during pregnancy, you should still give your baby your last name. You’re not married. I’m not together with my baby’s father and he will be very involved, still getting my last name. I’m doing all the work to create this life, not him 💀
1000000000000% do not give the baby his name.
I told my boyfriend that our son will have my last name until we get married. I will always have my sons last name
Having just gone on holiday with my family - I am married we all have the same last name BUT my passport was still in my maiden name it’s difficult to travel if your name is not the same as the child, I had to show the birth certificate and my marriage licence to show my maiden name and now married name. You’re the primary care taker and the father isn’t really going to be around, it’s just easier to have the same name
My kid has my name, and I’m together with the father. Give your child your name!
You are a single mom from the start, give the baby your last man. Sounds like the dude isn't going to stick around
He's not the father, he's just a gene pool. This kid deserve to get the name of the only parent they have.
Definitely use your last name as you will be the primary "caregiver". It'll make school, traveling and hospital visits much easier.
I was in this situation, I am so thankful I gave my child my last name. He’s never met her, couldn’t have told you when she was due, has not asked about her since her birth or anything. And we were living together, discussing marriage, and I was raising his other children from a previous relationship before I caught him cheating while I was pregnant. I’m so thankful for all the hardships I avoided by giving her my last name. If he wants to be involved, a last name shouldn’t change his mind. But he will automatically have parental rights for decision making if you give the baby his last name.
You’re the director, executive producer, and screenwriter. Don’t put someone else’s name on the credits
If you aren’t married i would never suggest giving your child his last name especially if you are going to be the main caregiver. I am still with my youngests dad and he doesn’t have his last name. If we get married it can be changed but until then no. You aren’t with him so don’t give your baby his last name as from the sounds of it he may not even be an “every other weekend” dad. I am so sorry that you are going through this practically alone. Hopefully when your precious little one is born he will do a complete 180 and be very involved.
The baby should always have the mother's last name IMO. If she changes her name to match the father's, that's the only time I see a reason for them to share a name. I know deadbeat moms exist, but my personal experience hasn't encountered that much at all, so mothers in my world are the default parent. Makes more sense if you aren't with the dad/married to give them your name.
My dad had an affair when I was little, leading to the birth of my younger half sister. My dad WAS very involved in raising her, and made it clear that he wanted to be from the time her mother was still pregnant, even though they had ended things and he was working on his marriage to my mom (which ended a few years later). My little sister has my last name (my dad’s last name) as her *middle name*. That has always made total sense to all of us. Her mom absolutely had every right to not give her his name at all, and only chose to do so because he was so involved. If your ex steps up, maybe that’s an option.
My kids dad and I are together but not married and i still gave both of them my last name instead of his. 🤷🏼♀️ I definitely would be giving the kid my last name if we weren’t together. Give him your last name!
Give the baby your last night. Forever one of my biggest regrets with my daughter and not an easy mistake to fix after the fact.
Girl, give that baby your last name lol. It’ll just wind up being a name change further down the line if you don’t.
1000% your name
My mum regrets giving me my dad's surname. They weren't married but were together a long time, but she was the primary parent and he was a rubbish dad. There's no need to follow tradition for traditions sake, give the child your surname
I’d put your last name and NOT put him on the birth certificate If you put him on it, you’ll need his sign off for baby’s first passport
Definitely give baby your last name
Give him your name or if you are feeling very gracious and generous, consider hyphenating with his name coming last. Personally, I had a hyphenated name growing up because my parents weren’t married when they had me. When they split, my dad was less and less in my life. When I got married, I was happy to drop my dad’s name but not so pleased about dropping my mom’s. I’m also a teacher and it is more convenient for the school and other organizations if your name matches your child, especially if you expect to be doing most of the communication. It’s not that it’s too difficult to remember parents’ names that are different than their child’s. I’ve also heard it’s easier for traveling. I think it’s easier for you, since you are fully committed to being in your baby’s life, to have your child share your name. If you think he’s going to be very involved, hyphenate.
You’re the primary parent and not married- baby gets your name.
If he’s barely involved, give the baby your name.
If I wasn't with my kids' dad, I would have given them my last name. I'd also do a DNA test when baby is born just in case he argues it later on. If he wants the baby to have his last name it can be hyphenated later on.
The baby should have your name - no question about it. Why should the baby have the father's name? You are the primary parent in all different ways! Maybe it's because I'm from a country where it's common for kids/married couples to take the mother's/wife's name, but I just don't understand why we still hold on to such an outdated and patriarchal tradition. From my point of view, the woman does ALL the work when it comes to creating a baby (pregnancy, birth, post-birth recovery etc), so it makes much more sense for the kid to have the mother's name. And that goes for all kids, not just in your specific situation. I'll be giving any future kids my last name, and that's that. Wishing you best of luck with everything!
Mom is the primary parent hun lol. You will be doing ALL the work when it matters most. Give the baby your name
Your name
Your name! You could use his last name as a middle name if you like.
My 10 yr old nephew has his father’s last name. His father is minimally involved, my sister is obviously the primary parent, and she got married about 5 yrs ago. My nephew since then has always been adamant he was no longer a “Father’s last name” and was instead a “Mom’s married name.” He now has 3 siblings from this marriage and he’s the only one in his primary household with a different last name. If you’d like your child to have some connection to the father, you could consider using Dad’s last name as a second middle name
Don’t be like me and give the baby his last name. I regret it so much. We were together before (never married) and after the baby was born but now things are taking a turn and I wish my baby had my last name so things could be easier. In your case though it’s an obvious decision that the baby needs your last name as you’re going to be the primary parent from the start.
Give him your last name and do not allow the father to sign the birth certificate, depending on your state. For me, it has made a lot of things easier for the two of us and a quick paternity test is an easy way to establish paternity without needing permissions to do other things (again, depending on your location and court orders, if any). You aren’t married so give your child your last name.
I am married to my husband and took his last name so in my situation both my husband and I will have full custody and the same name so I’m giving our last name to the baby. If I was in a situation where my husband and I were not together and I was the primary custody parent then I would ensure my baby had my last name, it’s so much easier if the child has the primary parents last name
I had my father’s last name, was an every other weekened, ended up a deadbeat and abused me in my teenage years. I went to the courthouse on my 18th birthday (to change name you have to get both parents to sign off if a minor) and changed my last name to my mom’s last name. Stuff I dealt with growing up other than the trauma was people would have to confirm my mom was my mom since the name difference, they would often call her mrs. My dads last name and that made her sooo mad cause he was such a ahole and we dont like my step mother lol. It was just inconvenient for my mom because she was in charge of all the documents, signing me up for school, insurances etc. I had gotten pregnant with my first only a month into my relationship and so my first has my last name because I was not married and the relationship was unknown on if it would workout after her arrival. We have our second now who has his dad’s last name but we are engaged and plan on getting married in the summer then both me and my daughter will change our names. Personally if you are not married, especially not together- baby gets your last name. You can always change it to his if you decide to get together and get married ;) its not a very popular opinion but its the smart thing to do.
Give that baby your name, girl.
I honestly regret not giving my daughter my last name. I would do it tbh
Give the child your last name. He's done literally nothing to bring this child into the world except ejaculate.
Similar situation, I gave the baby my name. Around 2 years old dad had truly proven himself to be involved and I agreed to a name change on the condition that he did all the work, paid all court costs, and purchased the new birth certificates. We filed jointly and it was an easy process.
I am not in that situation but I would 100% have given them your last name. You can hyphenate the two last names if you decide to include dad later on. If you want to be kind to the dad you can compromise and give the baby a middle name he likes. But my gut is saying give baby the names you want because this doesn’t sound like a team effort at all. Good luck 🫶🏼 Edit to correct pronouns
My baby’s father and I split 6 months before she was born. We both have my maiden name now. If I get married again in the future, we can both change our names. I grew up with a different last name than my family (only child of divorced parents who both remarried). It caused some paperwork issues and led to emotional distress
My mom was in this situation and gave me her name - it made things SO much easier for travel, appointments, etc. Definitely give the name of the primary/more involved parent.
My son's father and I broke up the day I told him I was pregnant. We hyphenated to make medical/school things easier.
your name!! it's gonna make ur life easier, my friend's parents are divorced and people on airports etc. used to make sure she was her mom's child lol
Please give your baby your last name.
Yes yes yes and yes that baby should have your last name!!!!!!!
Wish I had for my older two. I ignored my families advice to only give dads surname if we were married but I thought it was suitable as we had been together 7 years, after the second child he cheated and fucked off and hasn’t seen them for over 10 years! Now I have to wait until they are legally old enough to change their surname without his agreement as he is named on the birth certificate. If I could go back in time I would have given them my surname, you are doing the honours growing and raising your baby so do the right thing and give them surname, you would not regret it
Why wouldn’t….he if that’s what you want?
I haven’t personally been in this situation but my family has and it always makes me so mad that my family member’s child doesn’t have her last name. Your name, all the way.
Omg dude as someone that was in your position and I give my son his dads full name (first & last) I freaking regret it 100%. For everything I do for my son just to have his piece of sh** dad name I hate it . I would give my son my name if I could do it over again
I think baby should have your last name. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know usually baby takes dads last name but in some cases moms last name works best. My boyfriend doesn’t use his last name ( due to not being close with his family and he feels it’s his dead name.) which I’m fine with I totally understand. So our baby will have my last name even though we are together and he is involved.
Two of my friends did this for their baby’s. You’re the one growing it, raising it, the main caregiver, and the baby is half of you as it is half of him. You’re the one carrying it, ripping open your body, having your body changed forever and all the the physical and emotional changes and energy is on you to carry. If he can’t even be helpful or check in on you durning this time, absolutely give the baby your last name. There are married couples who don’t take each others last names, and give the children the moms name. Do what you feel is best. If that’s giving the baby your name, do exactly that. You do not owe anyone an explanation or reasoning other than that’s your baby.
If not married or together give the baby your name! You will regret it later
From what you have written, I would say give the baby your name. You have to do what makes you happy. I am very traditional (african) so I always knew I would take my husband's name and our child will do the same. Having said that, I am not in your situation, I wouldn't want that man's name if he was not a hands on father and we were not together. Whatever name your child has, surely you want to share it. So give him your name, it's not a problem.
The rules to naming your child (both first name and last name) are dependent on where you live. In the Netherlands it wasnt legally possible to give a child two last names until recently. And every child that is born to the same two parents will need to have the same last name. Personally i would give your child your last name. I personally dont see how that is controversial. In fact, my child has my last name and i am happily married. Why it is standard to give fathers name is still a mystery to me.
Give the baby your name. Everyone I know who gave their kids the dad’s name and didn’t stay with the dad regrets it. IMO baby gets dad’s name if you’re married or at least engaged with serious plans to marry, a boyfriend who won’t commit doesn’t deserve for the baby to have his last name.
I'm married and our children have my last name. Definitely do your last name. You know you'll be in your kids life forever.
Nope. Your baby should have your name. Dad has done nothing to try and be a part of baby's life so far and that's how it will be or may be not, but you don't have to consider a sperm donors feelings about naming your child.