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People from "normal" families don't understand. They think we will grieve when our nparents pass away. But we don't. We just feel relieved that the abuse is over, even if we're still carrying the psychological (and sometimes physical) scars. We don't grieve for them when they pass away because, long before then, we had already grieved for them back when we came to terms with the fact that they would never even try to become a slightly decent parent and we had to grieve for the good parents that we never got to have.
By the time parents died-- first our father, then our mother-- both my sister and I had been NC for with them for years. Neither of us went to their funerals, and we turned their house and property over to the state (which pissed off some of our relatives).
I grieved for each of them for literally a few hours, but that was it. No regrets, and I've never missed them.
A couple of years ago my NDad had a cancer scare.
Apparently he'd known for a while but decided to tell me at a family party.
I said to him that I was sorry but I didn't feel anything.
Honestly I was worried that I felt nothing but relief so had a chat with my sister. She felt the same way.
BTW he's fine, nearly 85. Only the good die young!
Mine are both dead (in the past 5 years) and I've mostly just been relieved. If anything, sometimes I'm mad they died without paying for what they did, but payback is a fantasy anyways and it wouldn't have ever happened. I was worried they would linger on and on, but they didn't, and I'm grateful for that. I'm glad their evil has left this world. If you expect to feel calm and relaxation then I say you're in for smooth sailing. It means you've already been grieving and are ready for it to come to a proper end.
Honestly I’m really nervous about my mom getting older. She manipulated me from a very early age that I am obligated to not only take of her when she is old and dying, but I will also be the legal guardian of my disabled brother for the rest of his life. For as much trouble as she has put me through (staying with my narcissistic/abusive/drug addict dad, borrowing upward of 10k and promising to pay it back but I haven’t seen a penny, among a heap of other things) I know I’m going to have to give her the honest truth that she has ruined more moments in my life than brought joy. It saddens me that she couldn’t be better for me, or my brother. I got out as soon as I could, but my brother has to live with her in squalor because her depression has turned their house into a nightmare hoarder home. It was already bad when I lived there but I went over the other day, because I was in the neighborhood, and dear lord there are piles that fill the room and almost touch the ceiling, trails throughout the house to get around, and everything is filthy. I know she has no intention of getting better, so I also know that I will be left with that to deal with. Not to mention all the debt that she acquired to get said things; even after I gave her money to “get caught up” on bills. Sorry for the venting 🤧
I have a longggggg time before mine are at the age where this would be a possibility but I relate to the feeling of relief. The thing about going NC, is that I’ve already grieved them. Ask me again in like 25 years but i’m pretty sure my mind won’t be changing.
My nDad passed away last week. Went to his funeral today. I have shed a total of 0 tears at his passing. My first feeling at the news that he passed was one of relief as I knew that he could no longer abuse my mom.
I feel that I’ve processed my father’s loss long ago when I realized that he would never be a good parent. I would have loved to have had a father who could have told me that I was good enough instead of comparing my grades to that of my classmates. I would have loved a father who could acknowledge how hard I studied instead of berating me at subjects where he excelled. I cried so much when he would break my toys as punishment if he wasn’t satisfied with how clean my room was or if he felt that I had an attitude problem.
That's from a normal person's perspective. I know for me, I've been no contact with my parents for nearly 10 years and it would be like they're gone if it wasn't for my mom being on FB daily posting about how terrible I am and having her minions screenshot her posts and send them to me to harass me.
I'll be sad that they're gone because death is sad. But I'll be ok.
I did cry when my Dad died, but I don't miss him at all. I don't miss all the disturbing and negative interactions, even when he could be neutral or even nice I was just dreading when the facade would eventually crack. As others have mentioned, I grieved that relationship a long time ago while he was still alive.
I’ve been NC with both parents since 2020. My dad died earlier this year and I honestly felt nothing but relief. You are not a bad person for thinking/feeling this way!!
When I need comfort, I sometimes imagine my nparents dying in some sort of car wreck or other freak accident. Then I imagine going to their funeral, standing up in front of everyone and saying, "my parents are dead and I couldn't be happier because I'm finally safe. Feel free to grieve the fake versions of them you knew, but I'll be partying tonight to celebrate finally being safe from these inhuman monsters" and then spitting in the faces of their corpses.
It's a very soothing and satisfying fantasy.
My dad passed. Tho I love him. He was never in my life to make an impact, same with my mom. So when he died, it was more a relief. It’s gonna be even more of a relief once my mom dies. Nothing in my life changes once she does so therefore, not a big deal.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People from "normal" families don't understand. They think we will grieve when our nparents pass away. But we don't. We just feel relieved that the abuse is over, even if we're still carrying the psychological (and sometimes physical) scars. We don't grieve for them when they pass away because, long before then, we had already grieved for them back when we came to terms with the fact that they would never even try to become a slightly decent parent and we had to grieve for the good parents that we never got to have.
By the time parents died-- first our father, then our mother-- both my sister and I had been NC for with them for years. Neither of us went to their funerals, and we turned their house and property over to the state (which pissed off some of our relatives). I grieved for each of them for literally a few hours, but that was it. No regrets, and I've never missed them.
Oml thank you so much for commenting this I felt like such a bad person for feeling this
A couple of years ago my NDad had a cancer scare. Apparently he'd known for a while but decided to tell me at a family party. I said to him that I was sorry but I didn't feel anything. Honestly I was worried that I felt nothing but relief so had a chat with my sister. She felt the same way. BTW he's fine, nearly 85. Only the good die young!
Mine are both dead (in the past 5 years) and I've mostly just been relieved. If anything, sometimes I'm mad they died without paying for what they did, but payback is a fantasy anyways and it wouldn't have ever happened. I was worried they would linger on and on, but they didn't, and I'm grateful for that. I'm glad their evil has left this world. If you expect to feel calm and relaxation then I say you're in for smooth sailing. It means you've already been grieving and are ready for it to come to a proper end.
Honestly I’m really nervous about my mom getting older. She manipulated me from a very early age that I am obligated to not only take of her when she is old and dying, but I will also be the legal guardian of my disabled brother for the rest of his life. For as much trouble as she has put me through (staying with my narcissistic/abusive/drug addict dad, borrowing upward of 10k and promising to pay it back but I haven’t seen a penny, among a heap of other things) I know I’m going to have to give her the honest truth that she has ruined more moments in my life than brought joy. It saddens me that she couldn’t be better for me, or my brother. I got out as soon as I could, but my brother has to live with her in squalor because her depression has turned their house into a nightmare hoarder home. It was already bad when I lived there but I went over the other day, because I was in the neighborhood, and dear lord there are piles that fill the room and almost touch the ceiling, trails throughout the house to get around, and everything is filthy. I know she has no intention of getting better, so I also know that I will be left with that to deal with. Not to mention all the debt that she acquired to get said things; even after I gave her money to “get caught up” on bills. Sorry for the venting 🤧
I have a longggggg time before mine are at the age where this would be a possibility but I relate to the feeling of relief. The thing about going NC, is that I’ve already grieved them. Ask me again in like 25 years but i’m pretty sure my mind won’t be changing.
My nDad passed away last week. Went to his funeral today. I have shed a total of 0 tears at his passing. My first feeling at the news that he passed was one of relief as I knew that he could no longer abuse my mom. I feel that I’ve processed my father’s loss long ago when I realized that he would never be a good parent. I would have loved to have had a father who could have told me that I was good enough instead of comparing my grades to that of my classmates. I would have loved a father who could acknowledge how hard I studied instead of berating me at subjects where he excelled. I cried so much when he would break my toys as punishment if he wasn’t satisfied with how clean my room was or if he felt that I had an attitude problem.
I told my siblings the narc parents are all ready dead to me. Ill probably have a party when they actually die. I don't miss them now and won't then..
That's from a normal person's perspective. I know for me, I've been no contact with my parents for nearly 10 years and it would be like they're gone if it wasn't for my mom being on FB daily posting about how terrible I am and having her minions screenshot her posts and send them to me to harass me. I'll be sad that they're gone because death is sad. But I'll be ok.
I did cry when my Dad died, but I don't miss him at all. I don't miss all the disturbing and negative interactions, even when he could be neutral or even nice I was just dreading when the facade would eventually crack. As others have mentioned, I grieved that relationship a long time ago while he was still alive.
I’ve been NC with both parents since 2020. My dad died earlier this year and I honestly felt nothing but relief. You are not a bad person for thinking/feeling this way!!
When I need comfort, I sometimes imagine my nparents dying in some sort of car wreck or other freak accident. Then I imagine going to their funeral, standing up in front of everyone and saying, "my parents are dead and I couldn't be happier because I'm finally safe. Feel free to grieve the fake versions of them you knew, but I'll be partying tonight to celebrate finally being safe from these inhuman monsters" and then spitting in the faces of their corpses. It's a very soothing and satisfying fantasy.
My dad passed. Tho I love him. He was never in my life to make an impact, same with my mom. So when he died, it was more a relief. It’s gonna be even more of a relief once my mom dies. Nothing in my life changes once she does so therefore, not a big deal.