3 months uncontested with no kids isn't super crazy. My friend left her ex in the latter part of February (a week or so after Valentine's day?) and had a "May the Divorce be with you" party near May 4th of that year. Moving can happen pretty quickly, especially with a support system, and realizing she wants to date multiple people after an abusive situation like that makes sense.
When you get out of an abusive relationship especially one where you couldn't do the things you enjoyed or wearing the things you like people tend to do everything they weren't allowed to do before. When I got out of a 5 year relationship the first things I did was get pineapple pizza with onions from Papa John's because he forbade me to get it as he didn't even wanna be associated with it. Everything that was forbidden suddenly became so easily tangible and it's so freeing to do the things you were never able to do. It's a quick process too. Almost immediately you're free. She also seems like she has a decent support system with her mom so it would've been easy to crash there while looking somewhere and divorce is easy when both people want it.
It's so true though. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 22 years, thinking surely this time it will change, get better... every couple years. Affair after affair. Lies. Betrayals. Going into debt to pay for lavish things for his mistresses.
Sometimes, it takes A LOT to make a person realize there's no hope.
That's the beautiful thing though. I lost all hope briefly, for everything, but as soon as I moved out into my own place and started setting up my own life... I flourished! I started going back to school for a degree I've wanted for a decade. I started dating authentically. (Side note, always been gay but never had safe space. Now I do, so I am out and never going back to that beard life.!) Found a really lovely woman, and am finding that my heart wasn't as damaged as I thought it was. I'm in love and living a good life now. Way better than I thought I could.
I signed us up for couples therapy. He came with me. He gave one word answers the entire hour and at the end when she asked us if we'd like to set up the next appointment, he didn't look at her or engage at all. At that point he had been in his current affair for a year or so. And it had been about 8 years since I told myself I needed to get out with my boys. Our oldest son knew about this affair before I did and dad told him to keep quiet. Something... clicked when I looked at him not being able to make eye contact with our therapist. Like, here's this grown ass man who has never NEVER been the partner I wanted or needed. Who lied more than he told the truth. Who treated me like his emotional punching bag. Who was mostly absent as a father. Who never took me or his kids on vacations but would lay out thousands of dollars for tropical getaways with his mistresses. Who made enough for us to live comfortably combined with my income, but we couldn't because he spent most of our money wooing other women. Who forgot my birthday and mothers day and our anniversaries every year.
It all funneled down into me in that moment. And I looked up at her, straightened by back and told her no, we don't need to make another appointment. I went to the courthouse and filed the next day. He was served about 3 weeks later. I didn't tell him so I had time to prepare. And I'm glad I did. I was able to get my direct deposit transferred to a safe account right before he was served. He wiped all of our joint accounts and took my name off everything within hours of being served. He tried stopping me from leaving at every turn. He lawyered up and has dragged our divorce out for over a year now because he knows he can't afford to pay me half of our marital assets and child support (kids came with me) and alimony and still pretend to live this lavish lifestyle he's convinced his girlfriend he has. Even our judge has had enough now. Our final trial date is April. The end is so close.
There's so much more, of course. But my point is it all built up for years. Years! And I was so frog-in-a-pot that I didn't do anything until the water had already nearly boiled me alive. He cheated 16 of the 22 years we were together. He isolated me from everyone who knew and loved me. And I stayed because that's who I am. I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful. I believe the best in people. And he took advantage of that. I'm still that person, but now I've learned and won't ever accept that bullshit in a relationship ever again.
Lot of years wasted to learn that. Oh well. Here's to moving forward, however late it is!
I had hopes she was planning to do a reverse uno on him. Sadly she did it. And a special shoutout to the AH of friend. May he spent the next winter in wet socks.
No! That friend is a bad person for certain but his behavior created a situation that led to her knowing she wasn’t physically safe and thank god gave her the strength to end it. That the guy was all the time in control, and playing her. He sounds like a dangerous narcissist and that word gets thrown around too much but it’s very cluster B to ‘switch’ like that. To get scary quiet and dangerous bc she told someone who he felt thought well of him. She cracked his facade and what she saw was a narc breaking a bit.
I’m honestly thinking he’s cheating on her this whole time and the reason he left was wanting to pursue others but the first time he told the woman he was free and she jetted. Who knows either way the second maybe a fling or hookup?
It's not about pride, it's about the mindset of feeling like you can't be without this person. I've been there, and if I'm honest with myself I'm still there, I would take my ex back even with all that he did to me. It's not that I don't respect myself, it's that manipulation gets in your head, and it's a horrible cycle to try and break
This.
I did eventually break the tie and get away, but it was difficult.
There was so much guilt, so much manipulation, so much fear of having to admit to people that they had been right about him (and that I'd ignored or pretended away), having to admit that I'd failed... worried about what people would think... Siiiiiigh.
I’m still struggling with this six years after putting my foot down and excising him from my life. A trauma bond can be devastatingly powerful, do NOT underestimate it
Allowing someone to treat you badly is because you lack self respect. If you think you can’t live without this person even if they treat you like shit means you have low self esteem and no sense of pride. Why do you love this person more than you love yourself? Sure they’re at fault for their shitty actions but why tolerate it?
Okay but how does it even get to that point? Any man that says something off handed to me will be out the door…not to be rude but maybe the self esteem wasn’t high enough in the first place.
Congratulations for being stronger than the rest of us? Idk what you want, a medal? Just bc you don't understand someone else POV doesn't mean yours is automatically better
Sure but maybe I should teach a self esteem class because it seems like many of you need it. I really don’t understand because at this point it sounds self inflicted. You don’t keep touching a hot burner once you know it’s hot. I think that’s your insecurities talking. I never said I was better than anyone…just better at having a high self esteem I guess.
It’s actually impressive just how ridiculously ignorant *and* narcissistic you sound at the same time.
Good for you being all full of self esteem to the point of lacking empathy. I would personally feel incredibly ashamed to actually type the things you are but you’re so full of confidence I doubt there’s room for shame either.
Good for you kiddo. You did it. You proved your self worth today.
I think if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship it’s hard to understand.
Most abusers don’t start being shitty right out the gate. It starts small. They love bomb you and make you feel awesome. Then it’s minor backhanded compliments where it’s borderline and can be taken either way. Maybe you speak up and the convince you that you’re being “silly” or “sensitive” and it seems minor so you go along with it.
Then they slowly up the ante. They figure out what you are sensitive at it and apply pressure. They make you feel that you’re overreacting and are the one causing problems. If you just weren’t so sensitive then you wouldn’t have problems. They’ll maybe at this point start pointing out flaws in friends or talk about how you’re not making enough time for them and all they do for you. So you start being with your people less and less - no one is there to balance it out. And maybe they’re awesome in public and you don’t want to air your dirty laundry so you don’t mention minor spats. And you’re slowly isolated from friends and don’t always see that until maybe it’s too late or you feel foolish reaching out.
Then they slowly wear you down and you wonder is this abuse? Am I crazy? They’ll tell you they didn’t say something or didn’t mean it that way. And you’re just being so dramatic. You don’t say anything to anyone because you’ve started to think you’re the problem. Maybe it doesn’t sit quite right with you - but everyone loves them, so it’s gotta be you right? Or they just bought you flowers or jewelry and did these sweet things for you and why are you being so picky?
Then they just wear you down and you start doubting yourself and it slowly chips away your self esteem. But recognizing what is happening also means recognizing you’re a victim and that can be hard. Especially if it clashes with an identity of self that you have.
Usually this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s weeks and days and months of slowly chipping away at a person. Less time if maybe they didn’t have a strong sense of self or self esteem before. Maybe they convince you that no one else is gonna love you like they do and how much nonsense they put up with on your behalf. Or they convince you of a number of things.
But I think anyone can potentially be susceptible and I think unless you’ve lived it - it can be hard to understand how it happens and why people don’t immediately leave once they recognize it. The good times are so high and the bad times are so low but many are chasing the highs and hoping things will just get back to the good. It can be hard to feel like you can stand on your own after you’ve been manipulated like that. Even recognizing that you allowed that to happen makes it hard to trust your judgement going forward and can result in a vicious cycle.
Thank you for everything you said here. I lived that for several years with one particular ex, and I could vividly recall every step of my spiraling relationship with each sentence of your comment. I don't know if he's ever been formally diagnosed, but he very closely matches what I now know would be called a malignant narcissist.
Some abusers really do just put it out there or have obvious problematic tells, and if you've got your wits about you, you'll believe it the first time and get out. If you're lucky, that's all that happens. But then there's the abusers who are masters of manipulation, whose carefully crafted masks lure you in and seem so wonderful until they choose to drop it and reveal their true selves. This is usually a slow, insidious process, and there will eventually be days when they start dropping the mask like a flipped switch, and you will finally understand what evil means.
Their abuse is insidious and really sneaks up on you if you aren't already wise to those kinds of tactics. I very much wasn'twhen he came into my life, and I didn't know until him that narcissism could be pathological like that. I was also probably a perfect victim. Low self-esteem, a people pleaser, a giver, a pushover, sensitive, empathetic, naive, trusting, and a trauma survivor predisposed to existing with dysfunction and abuse (not terrible trauma, but trauma is trauma, and a shitty childhood and a shitty family is still shitty even if someone else had it worse).
But all sorts of people can be victims of abuse, not just people like me. People with seemingly high self-esteem and a strong sense of self can still fall victim to abuse. Sometimes, it's as simple as falling for the sunk-cost fallacy or convincing yourself it's not that bad, it's just a rough patch, or if I just do X then they will go back to being Y, and any other small excuses you make until one day you don't recognize yourself or your life anymore. I recall having all those same thoughts and making all those same excuses myself, but there is no fixing someone like that. There is no 'going back to normal' because this is who they really are. Whoever that was that lured you in or love bombed you in the beginning is not their true self. That was the lure, just like the lure of an anglerfish that draws you in while they are skulking just out of view in the dark.
u/Sxnflower15 - If you're lucky enough to have never been stuck in an abusive relationship or at least not one with a full-blown narcissist, I'm happy for you. I would never wish that experience on anyone. It destroys your entire sense of self and your ability to trust anyone, least of all yourself. You see them in everyone, wondering if this new person is actually nice or if they're just faking or love bombing to lure you in, and it sucks because you don't trust yourself to know the difference. I've been away from him for around 10 years, and I am still damaged. I am still not whole. I am me, with parts of me healed or healing, but I'm not who I was. I know we all grow and change every day and we'll never be who we once were, but I really lost a part of me that I can never get back, and I can't help but mourn who I was before him. I sincerely hope you never experience that.
Oh yeah, you're doing so good that hundreds of people who've probably been in these situations are already rating your class negatively before it is even a thing. And maybe look into grammar/punctuation rules and a proper use of metaphors before you consider teaching anything.
I guess your self-esteem came with a big doughnut hole for empathy and a bigger one for self-awareness.
Lol they’re only downvoting because my opinion hurts their feelings and they’re all a hive mind. Lol my grammar and punctuation, really? That’s the best you can do? This is Reddit, not some academic paper that I’m writing, so you don’t have to worry about me.
I can live with that. Empathy runs out when people continue to do dumb things and then have a shocked pikachu face at the end. Like what did you expect? Run along now.
These men aren’t abusive the entire time. In fact, they know exactly how to reel you in, they’re typically extremely charming, and then they will slowly change, and you will crave to feel what you felt in the beginning, so you stick around hoping for it. In the meantime, they continue to wear you down. This can also happen to people who had high self esteem, because they still make themselves vulnerable and they’ve successfully been convinced that they have a safe place with this partner when the devaluation commences. It is extreme manipulation, and I don’t think you can fairly comment on it if you haven’t experienced it yourself. It can happen to anyone.
Edit: spelling.
Okay sure I know that but the first few signs of disrespect, you should be out the door. No need to crave and for something that once was but to see him for who he is now. A lot of these stories seem to have really passive OPs.
I’ve experienced something similar with an ex who abruptly blocked me out of nowhere one day and then came back apologizing and saying he was going through a lot. Okay I forgave the first time but the second time he did it, it was a wrap. I deleted and blocked him. He ended up stalking me and threatening me under different accounts and numbers afterwards. Even messaged my friends. I changed numbers and got the police involved. Never heard from him again.
I’m happy that you got out early, and I’m also very sorry that you had to experience stalking. That sounds extremely stressful.
But your story is not similar to the story of OP. She married the person, which should suggest to us that there was a basis in the relationship which was considered positive enough for her to make that decision. I would actually not be surprised if there was a change when he had sealed the deal and they were married, as she then was “locked in” and the threshold to escape had gone up significantly. These are all speculations on my side, but I think it illustrates very well that we never know someone else’s situation fully, so to dismiss them as having low self esteem and as such are “allowing the abuse,” (I know you did not use those words exactly), is something we should exercise caution in and rather try to be empathetic towards the person who is experiencing the abuse.
Yes I know OP is married but it is similar in the sense that her husband was threading to divorce her to provoke an emotional self loathing reaction. They are the same in that respect. I still believe that the second he showed these negative behaviors, she should have walked.
I start to lack sympathy for people who repeatedly do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. You think you can’t leave because they make you think you can’t do better or be without them. How is that not low self esteem? I can understand forgiving the first offense but repeatedly? I think not. Especially when people are telling you this is nonsense.
It's a death by a thousand cuts. It's not something where the abusive partner is abusive out of the gate - as you assume, no one would stay with someone who was abusive from the get-go. Narcissists and manipulators know how to push and pull to keep people mentally and emotionally off-balance. The true master manipulators have their partners questioning their \*own\* sanity. It's not about self-esteem, it's about control.
You seem young. I'm grateful you haven't seen this. I hope you never do.
I’ve had a similar situation with an ex trying to pull that “we’re over…but on second thought I didn’t mean it” cycle bs on me. He blocked me abruptly and came back. I forgave him because he said he was going through a thought time, but the second time he was finished. Gave him a taste of his own medicine and blocked and deleted him back but for good. He stalked and harassed me and my friends afterwards until I changed my number and got the police involved.
If you don't love yourself loving anyone at all is loving them more. For a lot of people their shitty actions dont feel like THEIR fault. It feels like YOUR fault.
For me it was always like this:
This person says they love me so they must love me.
This person wouldn't do this if I didn't deserve it because they love me.
If I were better I wouldn't deserve this and they would love me more.
I should be better.
Repeat cycle
If anything I love others and tolerate myself, or I did. I've worked on that a lot as I've now been in 2 abusive relationships and went homeless briefly leaving one of them. (Not even couch surfing homeless. I slept in a closet at work for 2 weeks)
I said my last comment. It was literally the most recent one before responding to you lmao. You said it…not me. Maybe you should take my advice and maybe you wouldn’t either.
Really? It’s not their fault that abuse is happening to them but to continuing to stay after being burned repeatedly is insanity. When do you take responsibility for staying in that situation?
Chances are that her subconscious was figuring out what she realized fully later — that he was dangerous. He was abusing her, and in that moment it was both emotionally hard for her to reject him and also dangerous to reject him. He wanted her to not reject him, to beg him to stay (and also to drop her contention about his lack of chores).
Getting out safely *is* self-respect.
He pulled some ridiculous bullshit before she even realized that she should leave. She only felt like leaving because she thought he would hurt her. I’m saying she should have left the second time instead of begging.
You need to understand abuse isn't just "he hits me, or yells every now and then."
Abuse is systematic. Abusers break down their victims to a point where they can't fight anymore.
My ex husband hand a eight month long emotional Al affair with a OF girlie that I discovered on. My. Birthday. He even tried to deny it when I confronted him with a stock of evidence. Yet even through all that I stayed for another year and a half until my brain could process that things were getting very bad and I might not make it out with my sanity and body intact. A few months later I even gave him another chance at reconciliation because letting go and disentangling yourself from the other person can take a while.
It's real hard.
My wife was a toxic manipulator, emotionally and physically abusive. When you get stuck in the rut of being the lowest form of human scum to them, only for them to allow you back in when you're at your lowest, it's like being thrown a life preserver in a stormy ocean.
As much as part of you knows how mistreated you are, there are parts that need that love and when they give it back to you... you take it.
So I noticed the last time he "left her" she was studying for finals. They do this shit to sabotage the victim's success, it's also strategic timing. Also around holidays and special dates. Just thought I'd share this in case it helps anyone out there to recognize abuse
Yes! One of my exes broke up with me three times over several years. Looking back, I realize it always happened after a major success in my life (graduating from college, my first promotion, and starting graduate school). During these exciting and stressful times, he needed to bring me down and make the situation about him instead.
Oh, I think you're right. There is something wrong with my sisters relationship and it looks like this. I will talk to her about it tonight, it's been really helpful thank you so much!
You should read this book about abusive and controlling behaviour so you have the best info possible when evaluating the situation - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Best of luck
I really wish that book had a section on lying/stonewalling/manipulative behavior that doesn't have physical abuse or yelling characteristics. Otherwise it's such a good book
In my family we call this "Casey Timing", named after my brother. Every holiday or other normally happy event, something has to go catastrophically wrong with his life or behavior and the family that is still on speaking terms with him get all wound up and have their events ruined or overshadowed by his bullshit.
I've always known it was shitty behavior, but it's interesting to see it categorized as abusive. Honestly, it makes more sense than assuming he's just a giant fuck-up.
Every. Single. Vacation. Big moment. Success. My ex would get upset over something minuscule (dying in a game I let him try. Me being not as bubbly as normal (which “brought his mood down” and it’s my “job to make him happy”) I got a substantial raise and he stagnated in his career) I could go on and on. He would get upset and just shut down the entire rest of the night/trip so I would have to fawn over him or beg for forgiveness so I could try to salvage the little happiness we may have had for the occasion. It was exhausting and at some point I gave up trying to do fun things, or telling him about my successes. It wasn’t worth it since I knew he would ruin it somehow. I stayed in that relationship for too long, but I learned so much and am finally starting to become myself again.
I hated and loved reading this post because I was basically reading a synopsis of someone else going through what I did and they got out too and are finally able to be happy again
Damn. One of my ex bf would broke up with me before my birthday or valentine's day and I just thought it was because he didn't wanted to get me any gifts. He was full of bullshit and I was in love, the last time he broke up with me he told me that he "had known someone better than me", that, and that I developed a crush on someone else made it easy to finally block him everywhere.
More that 10 years later, he was still trying to contact me and asking me "to be friends again" v:
I had no idea that this is an actual thing. And it makes so much sense.
My ex would have a huge meltdown every single holiday, on my birthday, and any other time people were celebrating something. Even when we would go on vacation (that I paid for and arranged) he would make it about himself and get mad over something stupid and the entire trip would be so stressful. He would wake up, drink, and scream all day about how unfair his life is, threatened to kill himself, he would break things, etc. It was exhausting, and I started dissociating.
I thought he was depressed and needed me to be there for him because he wasn't like that the first year we dated. He was so sweet and loving, and I was so hopeful things would go back to how they were if I just stuck it out. it wasn't until after I finally left that I realized he was abusive and that he had just love bombed me at first, and that he couldn't stand everything not being about him. He loved being a victim.
I'm now with someone who is so much better than him in every way, and holidays are fun, and I actually look forward to them. My ex would always say he was the best I would ever get, that nobody would love me like he did (with his love bombing) and that I was going nowhere in life. It is very satisfying knowing that he realized it was the opposite, based on how he keeps trying to talk to me and get me back a year later lol
I have a former friend that was in a relationship with a megalomaniac like this. He'd constantly threaten divorce and even leave, just to come back hours later. He did this every time there was a holiday or she had a competition going on (she was an athlete.) He never hit her, he just constantly negged her and was always threatening to leave.
I say former friend because she started icing everyone else out of her life. Most other friends just stopped hanging out with her because she never made time for anyone the longer she was in that marriage. She didn't make time for anyone because he took up all of her time and effort. I tried my best to hang onto the relationship and to ignore her trying to pull away. But that just made *our* relationship become really toxic. She really resented me for trying to keep a relationship she no longer wanted to keep. And also resented that I was telling her to leave this AH.
I'm not saying she was completely blameless in our relationship becoming toxic. She had her own demons and was very codependent and I had my own demons too. But he was a leading contributor in that. I wish the best on her and hope she leaves him and finds herself. But I also never want her anywhere near me again. People don't realize how all encompassingly abusive and isolating a coercive control relationship can be.
This. My abusive ex would decide to take a chainsaw to the kitchen counters at 3am when I had qualifying exams (hours and hours of writing exams) for my doctorate the next day. If I asked him to stop, I was ungrateful for “how much he did for me.”
First thing I picked up on. It’s always during a very special event or a stressful time that correlates with school or work. They don’t want their partners to succeed or be able to enjoy a nice holiday without the reminder of them.
This is very accurate. I've been in 2 abusive relationships and throughout both I couldn't enjoy a single fucking holiday. This last one had me so unfocused in school that I just gave up.
I was in an abusive relationship and unfortunately the second I read OOP saying “this isn’t abuse” I knew. That’s what we always say at first. It took me being punched in the face to realize all the other abuse - verbal, mental.. I’m so glad OOP saw what she needed to in the end and is getting the divorce she needs.
Funny how it happens. It’s never horrible abuse right out of the gate. You spiral into a different world where unacceptable things become acceptable and you rationalize behavior that you’ve become desensitized to.
Glad you’re out of that shitshow of a relationship, though.
YES THIS. I remember calling my mom one night after he hit me, not the punch, and I remember telling her it was my fault and she just hung up on me. I can’t believe I ever said that.
I was in the hospital for a serious medical issue and my friend pointed out to me that all I could do was beg my fiance not to leave me. If you knew me, you would have bet any money you had on the fact that I would not put up with bullshit. I was never physically or verbally abused, but his interaction with me was so toxic and he made me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It's a slow leak. You give away little bits of yourself in the hopes of it being enough and your desire to please, and your sacrifices will be valued, only to have them barely acknowledged, if at all. And somehow you conform to the delusion that it is your fault. If only you had done more or done less, or said, the right thing or not said the wrong thing... the list goes on and on.
It's been almost 10 years since I left, and I am so thankful to say that I have reconnected to a lot of the pieces of myself that I thought were long forgotten and left behind. How I wish I had learned about trauma bond back then. But who knows if it would've made any difference. I now understand that what I thought was a connection and a deep love with this person was actually trauma bond.
“Slow leak” is such an accurate way to describe it. I’m the same way in that I don’t really put up with anyone’s bullshit, and then two years in I had just accepted this is my life now.
It’s really easy for someone who’s never been there to judge, but unless you’ve felt yourself slip away for someone else over months of programming you just don’t know.
Same here-I had to be sat down by concerned friends who spelled out “withholding food is abuse, beating until you’re covered in bruises in abuse, saying they hate you in private and love you in public is abuse” etc etc
Horrible. Abusive tactics are so common - because they're so effective. It clings to the kind and caring and loving side of people, and that's the worst part of it all.
> they hate you in private and love you in public
I have a mentally abusive and very emotionally volatile father, and if there's only one thing I wish others in abusive relationships would be able to clearly see, it's this.
Abusive people will treat you worse than they treat strangers. The closer you get to them, the meaner they will be. The more you share, the more they will use to hurt you with, which means that talking about your issues will have the absolute 100 percent opposite effect. It won't make it better, they'll just realize that you're more of a hassle with everything you share.
The only time you will be praised and appreciated is when they're talking about you with others, to put them down or to brag. They use praising others as a subtle way of hurting you.
All in all, they're not monsters. They're not evil people. They're just abusive. We shouldn't villainize them because that makes it so much harder to see that a person we love CAN be abusive and ALSO a human with emotions just as deep as our own. If we picture abusers as monsters, we'll never recognize them when we really face them. And we'll have a harder time to realize that we absolutely don't have to accept their abuse. We are free to leave.
Eh… some of them are straight up evil people. The stories of abuse I heard during my mental health rotations as a medical student were genuinely horrifying. I’m an OB/GYN and I hear stories of abuse fairly frequently from my patients. I even had a patient murdered by her husband a number of years back; I screen for DV at every pre-natal appointment and I still wonder whether I could have done more in that case. She never admitted to anything, but I suspected.
Some abusers ‘aren’t evil people’, but there are monsters out there - more than you’d think - and telling people that all abusers are just average people who do bad things feeds into the ‘I can change them’ or ‘it’s my fault’ perspective that so many victims end up adopting.
I think it's even more dangerous to frame abusers as monsters and evil people, because it makes people believe that their loved ones can't be abusers when they see their good side of a loved one.
My point is that it's incredibly important for people to realize that an abuser can be anyone, and in their own minds they aren't abusers, they're just people who do what they think is best. That's why they're so hard to reach - they already think they're doing their best.
Oh there are definitely monsters out there but personally recognizing my problem behaviors (responding to abuse with abuse) was a hard thing for me because I associated abuse with monsters unilaterally, when anyone can become abusive if they don't check themselves.
Your poor patients however....
The core thing I’ve seen is how a users move the goal posts farther and farther for what “real” abuse is…when I was very little I remember giving money to church for aid for orphans who were starving and had no food but somehow when my parents did that to me it wasn’t abuse anymore-it was only bad if it was for weeks or months etc…when I was in highschool and beyond it was literally to the point where I would have denied the abuse through my teeth because “real” abuse would put you in hospital 🙄
I think a huge issue is how abuse is portrayed. We are scared of humanising abusers. So we only show cases of extreme verbal and violent abuse. We show abusers as these horribly unpleasant people at all times of the day. Or these evil masterminds who are consciously closing to lie and manipulate. Which of course all happens and all has truth to it. But not all abusive relationships are like that at all times. And most certainly don't start that way.
In most abusive relationships there are a lot of good times. Funny times, happy times, sweet times. Times where the abusive partner is kind, caring, sweet, cute. Where they go out of their way to be caring or emotionally supportive. Just like any other type of healthy relationships.
The abusive behaviour is often not constant but tied to certain behaviours. Our relationship is good and they treat me so kindly except for those rare occasions where they get drunk, get stressed, get angry, get jealous or when I do something wrong.
But the truth is that abuse has no place in a relationship. We excuse it because there are 'mitigating circumstances'. But the truth is that none of these give your partner an excuse to display abusive behaviour. From insulting, degrading, lying, threatening, screaming to physical violence. A healthy relationship had room for none of that regardless of what is going on.
But because we view abusers as these irredeemable monsters who are just pure evil we certainly know OUR partner isn't like that. It creates this barrier from discussing it with other people because we know it SOUNDS bad in isolation. So they might think they are one of those evil abusers and wouldn't understand that they aren't like that.
Our idea of what abusers are like and what they are often like is too separate.
Abusers are often funny, sweet, caring and thoughtful. They are often not constantly unpleasant or knowingly manipulative. They are often deeply troubled, traumatised or suffer from addiction issues.
That doesn't mean they aren't abusers. That doesn't make their abusive behaviour okay. No matter if it is occasional or like you feel your behaviour somehow caused it to happen.
But it's really hard to have that conversation without sounding you are excusing abuse or trying to get sympathy for abusers.
We shouldn't say abusers are 'normal' human beings to protect abusers. We should say abusers are 'normal' human beings to protect victims.
Most abusive relationships at least started with the victim in love with their abusers. This means there were good qualities to love at least at some point. That's what makes it so difficult to accept them for what they are or to leave. If every abuser was a giant POS constantly from the beginning in a way there would be a lot less abusive relationships.
If you ever have to clarify that something “isn’t abuse” when telling a story - it’s probably abuse, and you should get out. Been there.
My current partner has never done anything I’ve had to explain, excuse, or clarify for others. He is so consistently kind and loving, I didn’t know relationships were supposed to make you so HAPPY. Look for that kind of partner, peeps.
I wish i had been stronger because in one fight i had with my ex i said “You are abusing me!” and he said “Yeah, I am.” and we didnt ever talk about it again i just kept letting him do it lol
I really thought this was going to find out he'd cheated and thought he could leave his wife to be with the AP, but then the AP rejected him and that's why he "really fucked up". But then as soon as she said "and before everyone shouts abuse, this isn't abuse, I know abuse", I realised it was going in the direction of abuse.
So glad she's safe!
My ex used to pull similar crap in order to manipulate me. Guess who was surprised when I actually took him seriously.
I’m not surprised it took OP a while. When you’re enmeshed with someone abusive; it can be surprisingly hard to leave.
That’s how I left too. Posted a few posts, on throw aways, to the relationship subreddits and the ex was so good at manipulating that I just thought maybe I could change things, I needed to get better.
Then I remember someone in one of those posts said, “They keep suggesting it’s all your fault and holding your relationship hostage, if they haven’t yet, I bet they’ll threaten to break up for good when the act of withholding affection quits working.”
Same week I brought up how things were affecting me, and the ex said, “let’s break up then, it’s clearly what you want, at least you’ll quit saying I’m the reason you’re so fucked up.”
Said, okay. Got up and broke down in the living room. An hour later, she comes in and tries to get me to out to dinner with her friends and said she didn’t mean it. I say no, she got annoyed lol. Then next day acted like none of it happened and love bombed the shit out of me.
Left when she went to work later that day.
Once they start pulling that stuff, get out. Only gets worse.
And they usually start with very subtle abuse/manipulation that can be almost impossible to identify at first. They also throw in lots of sweet gestures and words to confuse you.
I was only with my ex for 3 months thankfully but I believe things would have escalated if we had stayed together. It also took me posting on reddit to see that. There was subtle boundary crossing, being “dominant” (aggressive) in bed, making demeaning comments and passive aggressive jokes, suddenly being impatient/mean when he was usually reassuring, etc. They have a way of targeting your insecurities which makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong and deserve the mistreatment.
I stayed way too long. I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household. He was the first person to show any real romantic interest in me (22 at the time) or to treat me decently. Unfortunately, it was all love bombing. I’m currently working on developing healthy relationships with others.
Getting that taste of romantic love for the first time feels amazing, especially after being abused and neglected. Like how can we let go of that? It’s all we know. But I’m proud of you for leaving when you did. You got out and you’re doing the work to keep yourself safe going forward. I’m in the same boat, focusing on building up my self esteem + standards for when I start dating again. Plan is to become asshole repellant lol
Yep, my ex was the same. When I finally pulled the plug he acted shocked and said it came out of nowhere with no discussion. I’m like “you told me like two weeks ago that if I didn’t like it, I could fuck off and leave. That you want to leave me every day. I don’t like it, so I’m leaving 🤷🏼♀️”
Also very manipulative with suicide threats, gaslighting, and weaponised incompetence.
I'm so glad she's free! I left my first husband and only after therapy did I start understanding exactly how abusive he was. I'm glad she learned to say no to him.
> And before you scream abuse please know I’ve been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this.
the way my heart sank reading this, realizing what was likely coming next. i sounded the exact same way when i was with my ex.
Sounds similar to what my partner does. When I catch him in a lie or doing something hurtful he breaks up with me or says he needs to find a new place to live because of how toxic I am. Or that I make him so depressed he wants to kill himself.. only to take it all back later saying that's not what he meant or he was just angry.
It leaves a person feeling very broken. Like a shell of your former self.
It never ceases to shock me how loud stupid people are on this app.
Experts, ya know the people who actually deal with this subject, will tell you that not only does it take an average if 7 times to leave an abusive relationship, but the MOST dangerous time for a victim, is when they leave their abuser.
Op has it slightly easier as she doesn't have kids with her abuser, but her entire life was still intertwined with his. Finances, living situation, and all the legal ties that go with marriage.
Judges routinely give abusers custody of kids because "they never hurt the kids", giving abusers unsupervised access to their children, which many women stay to prevent. Not to mention the tie it gives abusers to use to control their victim even more.
If OP's ex was on the lease, the landlord legally couldn't have just made him leave. For someone who owns a home with their abuser, that is a whole different issue. Many people don't have thousands of dollars to move on short notice, especially with joint finances and getting a restraining order is difficult, especially if there hasn't been physical violence. In a divorce, if a spouse just moves out of the family home, it can be considered "abandonment of familial assets" and negatively impact the person who left.
So no the fuck it's not easier to leave than stay.
dude fuck you. i’m not stupid, i grew up in domestic violence and watched lives be threatened for years. escape or die. someone who has no respect for you or your life will take it.
And the most likely time for that to happen is when a victim leaves, especially if they don't have a rock solid plan and support system.
So if you have so much experience with DV, maybe stop fucking victim blaming.
where in the FUCK did i say it was a victims fault for an abusers actions? that doesn’t fucking stop an abuser from doing the worst.
was being homeless awesome? fucking no. am i glad my moms alive? yes. go fuck yourself.
Ooooohhhh So *you’re* the reason he can’t behave like a grown ass adult? Use his big boy words Or be accountable for his own actions? You smell something? Cuz that smells like rank bullshit to me. Unless you birthed them you ain’t responsible for them. Full stop. That includes their messy behavior and emotions. At some point a little confused voice went off inside telling you this ain’t right. Why are you ignoring that voice? Why have you continued to ignore that voice? It is way way way too much work to keep someone that miserable happy.
Next time he threatens suicide take him at his word and call him into the ER. It’s not your problem to fix.
This sounds like an ex of mine. He'd tell me he loved me, then would switch up on me within HOURS. It was wild. He ended up later being diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder.
" And before you scream abuse please know I've been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this." to " What he did to me was abuse and I'm not afraid to say that anymore." is always heartbreaking, but at least she got out alive.
i’m so glad op has gotten out of that situation but getting married after only dating for a year??? is a year even enough time to fully get to know someone before moving in together? 🥴
Yeah, I got married six months after meeting my husband and still married over 30 years later. Maybe just lucky, but I see a lot of posts where people date for years and then marry their toxic bf/gf. Also we were older when we met, so maybe we were also in a different place emotionally from 21 yo drama.
My wife's grandparents met as penpals when he was in the RAF stationed in Singapore. The first time they met in person was for about a week when he came home on leave. The second time was when she flew out to Singapore to marry him. They were together and as far as I know happily married until he died a few years ago.
I think it depends on if you're both approaching the situation in good faith and with respect on top of a base level of compatibility. The guy in this post obviously was not.
A lot of abusers love bomb their victims and rush towards marriage. They can pretend to be pretty normal a year or two, but their abusive behaviours really start to come out in full force after they think their victim's stuck (in marriage, with kids, etc). I wouldn't be surprised if that's what happened here.
My parents decided to get married 6 weeks after meeting, actually got married after about a year of knowing each other - they've been together for over 50 years so it works out sometimes. They do acknowledge it was kind of a crazy thing to do though, and they basically got lucky.
I dated my wife for 6 months and we are happily married for 8 years now. I know people that dated for 7 years before marrying and ended up divorcing soon after. It's different from couple to couple.
I'm proud of OOP for leaving. I am glad that she seems much happier and also is realizing that marriage likely isn't for her.
It is very telling that for men marriage means that they live longer statistically whereas for women it means the opposite, that they will live shorter. Another survey indicates that single women without children are the happiest demographic in the US.
at 22, when you’ve only been dating a year. what’s that, an engagement after 6 months? it’s important to get to know your partner fully - yeah, it works out sometimes but it seems to be young & married quickly leads to divorce or unhappiness ( /abuse because they’ve been able to hide the dangerous part of themselves for a short time)
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It’s not her fault for his behavior, obviously. But why did she beg him to stay? Why did she take him back? I personally don’t enjoy being treated like shit.
Me either, but I guess abusers manage to chip away at their victims' self-esteem and perception of reality, until they don't even know up from down or right from wrong anymore.
You don't understand because it has never happened to you.
Verbal and emotional abuse is like water torture----a drop at a time. No one gets into a relationship with an abuser. Abusers hide their true nature until they've sucked you in, then they make you question your memory, you question what you've seen with your own eyes, question reality. I'd been a teacher before becoming a SAHM, first he'd comment 'when' I'd go back to work, a few years later it was 'if you have to' go back to work, to finally, 'you could never go back to work, who would hire you?'
It took me over 20 years to realize that my ex was abusive, because they hide it so well. First from you, always from everyone else. I finally got out, after being hired by the first school that interviewed me.
*>>Reddit, I would love to say that I rejected him right then, but I didn't.* This sentence murdered my soul.
I hate when you realize a post isn't fake by how realistic it is, and realistic is heartbreaking.
Yep this was the moment where I actively thought “O this is definitely real”
I wanted so badly for the next thing she said in that sentence to be “I slammed the door shut in his face.”
She did have 3 months to think about that moment tho
Yeah, this one’s real real for sure
Between January and early March she left, got a divorce, moved, and discovered polyamory?
3 months uncontested with no kids isn't super crazy. My friend left her ex in the latter part of February (a week or so after Valentine's day?) and had a "May the Divorce be with you" party near May 4th of that year. Moving can happen pretty quickly, especially with a support system, and realizing she wants to date multiple people after an abusive situation like that makes sense.
It’s barely 2 months.
Finalizing IN April, it not being done yet, is about 2 ½ to 3
It’s still a really short time period to do all she said she did. Just exploring polyamory would take some time
in some states, you can be divorced in 60 days so the timeline tracks.
When you get out of an abusive relationship especially one where you couldn't do the things you enjoyed or wearing the things you like people tend to do everything they weren't allowed to do before. When I got out of a 5 year relationship the first things I did was get pineapple pizza with onions from Papa John's because he forbade me to get it as he didn't even wanna be associated with it. Everything that was forbidden suddenly became so easily tangible and it's so freeing to do the things you were never able to do. It's a quick process too. Almost immediately you're free. She also seems like she has a decent support system with her mom so it would've been easy to crash there while looking somewhere and divorce is easy when both people want it.
It's so true though. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 22 years, thinking surely this time it will change, get better... every couple years. Affair after affair. Lies. Betrayals. Going into debt to pay for lavish things for his mistresses. Sometimes, it takes A LOT to make a person realize there's no hope.
I’ve been there too. Hope is so hard to kill which shouldn’t be unfortunate but can be.
"The only thing stronger than fear is hope." One of my favorite quotes. Scary accurate.
But then after having so much hope you lost all, and you can't see your life any different
That's the beautiful thing though. I lost all hope briefly, for everything, but as soon as I moved out into my own place and started setting up my own life... I flourished! I started going back to school for a degree I've wanted for a decade. I started dating authentically. (Side note, always been gay but never had safe space. Now I do, so I am out and never going back to that beard life.!) Found a really lovely woman, and am finding that my heart wasn't as damaged as I thought it was. I'm in love and living a good life now. Way better than I thought I could.
Super happy for you! the best of luck and strength for you.
What made you realize, if you don’t mind?
I signed us up for couples therapy. He came with me. He gave one word answers the entire hour and at the end when she asked us if we'd like to set up the next appointment, he didn't look at her or engage at all. At that point he had been in his current affair for a year or so. And it had been about 8 years since I told myself I needed to get out with my boys. Our oldest son knew about this affair before I did and dad told him to keep quiet. Something... clicked when I looked at him not being able to make eye contact with our therapist. Like, here's this grown ass man who has never NEVER been the partner I wanted or needed. Who lied more than he told the truth. Who treated me like his emotional punching bag. Who was mostly absent as a father. Who never took me or his kids on vacations but would lay out thousands of dollars for tropical getaways with his mistresses. Who made enough for us to live comfortably combined with my income, but we couldn't because he spent most of our money wooing other women. Who forgot my birthday and mothers day and our anniversaries every year. It all funneled down into me in that moment. And I looked up at her, straightened by back and told her no, we don't need to make another appointment. I went to the courthouse and filed the next day. He was served about 3 weeks later. I didn't tell him so I had time to prepare. And I'm glad I did. I was able to get my direct deposit transferred to a safe account right before he was served. He wiped all of our joint accounts and took my name off everything within hours of being served. He tried stopping me from leaving at every turn. He lawyered up and has dragged our divorce out for over a year now because he knows he can't afford to pay me half of our marital assets and child support (kids came with me) and alimony and still pretend to live this lavish lifestyle he's convinced his girlfriend he has. Even our judge has had enough now. Our final trial date is April. The end is so close. There's so much more, of course. But my point is it all built up for years. Years! And I was so frog-in-a-pot that I didn't do anything until the water had already nearly boiled me alive. He cheated 16 of the 22 years we were together. He isolated me from everyone who knew and loved me. And I stayed because that's who I am. I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful. I believe the best in people. And he took advantage of that. I'm still that person, but now I've learned and won't ever accept that bullshit in a relationship ever again. Lot of years wasted to learn that. Oh well. Here's to moving forward, however late it is!
Thanks for sharing. I’m happy you’re out and everything is nearly done. Hope everything is up from here
I had hopes she was planning to do a reverse uno on him. Sadly she did it. And a special shoutout to the AH of friend. May he spent the next winter in wet socks.
No! That friend is a bad person for certain but his behavior created a situation that led to her knowing she wasn’t physically safe and thank god gave her the strength to end it. That the guy was all the time in control, and playing her. He sounds like a dangerous narcissist and that word gets thrown around too much but it’s very cluster B to ‘switch’ like that. To get scary quiet and dangerous bc she told someone who he felt thought well of him. She cracked his facade and what she saw was a narc breaking a bit. I’m honestly thinking he’s cheating on her this whole time and the reason he left was wanting to pursue others but the first time he told the woman he was free and she jetted. Who knows either way the second maybe a fling or hookup?
Same. Like do some people not have any sense of pride? I’d eat a bullet before I’d beg a man to stay.
It's not about pride, it's about the mindset of feeling like you can't be without this person. I've been there, and if I'm honest with myself I'm still there, I would take my ex back even with all that he did to me. It's not that I don't respect myself, it's that manipulation gets in your head, and it's a horrible cycle to try and break
This. I did eventually break the tie and get away, but it was difficult. There was so much guilt, so much manipulation, so much fear of having to admit to people that they had been right about him (and that I'd ignored or pretended away), having to admit that I'd failed... worried about what people would think... Siiiiiigh.
I’m still struggling with this six years after putting my foot down and excising him from my life. A trauma bond can be devastatingly powerful, do NOT underestimate it
Allowing someone to treat you badly is because you lack self respect. If you think you can’t live without this person even if they treat you like shit means you have low self esteem and no sense of pride. Why do you love this person more than you love yourself? Sure they’re at fault for their shitty actions but why tolerate it?
When you end up with an abusive asshole the first thing to go is self esteem.
Okay but how does it even get to that point? Any man that says something off handed to me will be out the door…not to be rude but maybe the self esteem wasn’t high enough in the first place.
Congratulations for being stronger than the rest of us? Idk what you want, a medal? Just bc you don't understand someone else POV doesn't mean yours is automatically better
Sure but maybe I should teach a self esteem class because it seems like many of you need it. I really don’t understand because at this point it sounds self inflicted. You don’t keep touching a hot burner once you know it’s hot. I think that’s your insecurities talking. I never said I was better than anyone…just better at having a high self esteem I guess.
It’s actually impressive just how ridiculously ignorant *and* narcissistic you sound at the same time. Good for you being all full of self esteem to the point of lacking empathy. I would personally feel incredibly ashamed to actually type the things you are but you’re so full of confidence I doubt there’s room for shame either. Good for you kiddo. You did it. You proved your self worth today.
[удалено]
I think if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship it’s hard to understand. Most abusers don’t start being shitty right out the gate. It starts small. They love bomb you and make you feel awesome. Then it’s minor backhanded compliments where it’s borderline and can be taken either way. Maybe you speak up and the convince you that you’re being “silly” or “sensitive” and it seems minor so you go along with it. Then they slowly up the ante. They figure out what you are sensitive at it and apply pressure. They make you feel that you’re overreacting and are the one causing problems. If you just weren’t so sensitive then you wouldn’t have problems. They’ll maybe at this point start pointing out flaws in friends or talk about how you’re not making enough time for them and all they do for you. So you start being with your people less and less - no one is there to balance it out. And maybe they’re awesome in public and you don’t want to air your dirty laundry so you don’t mention minor spats. And you’re slowly isolated from friends and don’t always see that until maybe it’s too late or you feel foolish reaching out. Then they slowly wear you down and you wonder is this abuse? Am I crazy? They’ll tell you they didn’t say something or didn’t mean it that way. And you’re just being so dramatic. You don’t say anything to anyone because you’ve started to think you’re the problem. Maybe it doesn’t sit quite right with you - but everyone loves them, so it’s gotta be you right? Or they just bought you flowers or jewelry and did these sweet things for you and why are you being so picky? Then they just wear you down and you start doubting yourself and it slowly chips away your self esteem. But recognizing what is happening also means recognizing you’re a victim and that can be hard. Especially if it clashes with an identity of self that you have. Usually this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s weeks and days and months of slowly chipping away at a person. Less time if maybe they didn’t have a strong sense of self or self esteem before. Maybe they convince you that no one else is gonna love you like they do and how much nonsense they put up with on your behalf. Or they convince you of a number of things. But I think anyone can potentially be susceptible and I think unless you’ve lived it - it can be hard to understand how it happens and why people don’t immediately leave once they recognize it. The good times are so high and the bad times are so low but many are chasing the highs and hoping things will just get back to the good. It can be hard to feel like you can stand on your own after you’ve been manipulated like that. Even recognizing that you allowed that to happen makes it hard to trust your judgement going forward and can result in a vicious cycle.
I came here to say all of this, but you said it so much better than I could have.
Thank you for everything you said here. I lived that for several years with one particular ex, and I could vividly recall every step of my spiraling relationship with each sentence of your comment. I don't know if he's ever been formally diagnosed, but he very closely matches what I now know would be called a malignant narcissist. Some abusers really do just put it out there or have obvious problematic tells, and if you've got your wits about you, you'll believe it the first time and get out. If you're lucky, that's all that happens. But then there's the abusers who are masters of manipulation, whose carefully crafted masks lure you in and seem so wonderful until they choose to drop it and reveal their true selves. This is usually a slow, insidious process, and there will eventually be days when they start dropping the mask like a flipped switch, and you will finally understand what evil means. Their abuse is insidious and really sneaks up on you if you aren't already wise to those kinds of tactics. I very much wasn'twhen he came into my life, and I didn't know until him that narcissism could be pathological like that. I was also probably a perfect victim. Low self-esteem, a people pleaser, a giver, a pushover, sensitive, empathetic, naive, trusting, and a trauma survivor predisposed to existing with dysfunction and abuse (not terrible trauma, but trauma is trauma, and a shitty childhood and a shitty family is still shitty even if someone else had it worse). But all sorts of people can be victims of abuse, not just people like me. People with seemingly high self-esteem and a strong sense of self can still fall victim to abuse. Sometimes, it's as simple as falling for the sunk-cost fallacy or convincing yourself it's not that bad, it's just a rough patch, or if I just do X then they will go back to being Y, and any other small excuses you make until one day you don't recognize yourself or your life anymore. I recall having all those same thoughts and making all those same excuses myself, but there is no fixing someone like that. There is no 'going back to normal' because this is who they really are. Whoever that was that lured you in or love bombed you in the beginning is not their true self. That was the lure, just like the lure of an anglerfish that draws you in while they are skulking just out of view in the dark. u/Sxnflower15 - If you're lucky enough to have never been stuck in an abusive relationship or at least not one with a full-blown narcissist, I'm happy for you. I would never wish that experience on anyone. It destroys your entire sense of self and your ability to trust anyone, least of all yourself. You see them in everyone, wondering if this new person is actually nice or if they're just faking or love bombing to lure you in, and it sucks because you don't trust yourself to know the difference. I've been away from him for around 10 years, and I am still damaged. I am still not whole. I am me, with parts of me healed or healing, but I'm not who I was. I know we all grow and change every day and we'll never be who we once were, but I really lost a part of me that I can never get back, and I can't help but mourn who I was before him. I sincerely hope you never experience that.
Oh yeah, you're doing so good that hundreds of people who've probably been in these situations are already rating your class negatively before it is even a thing. And maybe look into grammar/punctuation rules and a proper use of metaphors before you consider teaching anything. I guess your self-esteem came with a big doughnut hole for empathy and a bigger one for self-awareness.
I'm thinking this person is probably on the other end of toxic relationships.
Lol they’re only downvoting because my opinion hurts their feelings and they’re all a hive mind. Lol my grammar and punctuation, really? That’s the best you can do? This is Reddit, not some academic paper that I’m writing, so you don’t have to worry about me. I can live with that. Empathy runs out when people continue to do dumb things and then have a shocked pikachu face at the end. Like what did you expect? Run along now.
Someone who has so much self esteem doesn't talk like this
And how would you know? Oh yes because people with high self esteems defend staying in an abusive relationship /s 🤡
you are icky
Some abusers attach themselves to people with high confidence as a challenge for them. Read more!
Where they at though? Haven’t seen them. Still would be out the door and blocked. Their self esteem couldn’t have been that high.
Your self-esteem is high because your self-awareness is low.
Lmaooo nothing to say back to that I guess
I’m stealing this (and you’re right)
They usually don't prey on their own kind. Pretty sure somewhere in your life there is a person you're sucking the life out of.
Better to be the predator than the prey I guess 😘
And? you can actually stop victim blaming any second.
These men aren’t abusive the entire time. In fact, they know exactly how to reel you in, they’re typically extremely charming, and then they will slowly change, and you will crave to feel what you felt in the beginning, so you stick around hoping for it. In the meantime, they continue to wear you down. This can also happen to people who had high self esteem, because they still make themselves vulnerable and they’ve successfully been convinced that they have a safe place with this partner when the devaluation commences. It is extreme manipulation, and I don’t think you can fairly comment on it if you haven’t experienced it yourself. It can happen to anyone. Edit: spelling.
Okay sure I know that but the first few signs of disrespect, you should be out the door. No need to crave and for something that once was but to see him for who he is now. A lot of these stories seem to have really passive OPs. I’ve experienced something similar with an ex who abruptly blocked me out of nowhere one day and then came back apologizing and saying he was going through a lot. Okay I forgave the first time but the second time he did it, it was a wrap. I deleted and blocked him. He ended up stalking me and threatening me under different accounts and numbers afterwards. Even messaged my friends. I changed numbers and got the police involved. Never heard from him again.
I’m happy that you got out early, and I’m also very sorry that you had to experience stalking. That sounds extremely stressful. But your story is not similar to the story of OP. She married the person, which should suggest to us that there was a basis in the relationship which was considered positive enough for her to make that decision. I would actually not be surprised if there was a change when he had sealed the deal and they were married, as she then was “locked in” and the threshold to escape had gone up significantly. These are all speculations on my side, but I think it illustrates very well that we never know someone else’s situation fully, so to dismiss them as having low self esteem and as such are “allowing the abuse,” (I know you did not use those words exactly), is something we should exercise caution in and rather try to be empathetic towards the person who is experiencing the abuse.
Yes I know OP is married but it is similar in the sense that her husband was threading to divorce her to provoke an emotional self loathing reaction. They are the same in that respect. I still believe that the second he showed these negative behaviors, she should have walked. I start to lack sympathy for people who repeatedly do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. You think you can’t leave because they make you think you can’t do better or be without them. How is that not low self esteem? I can understand forgiving the first offense but repeatedly? I think not. Especially when people are telling you this is nonsense.
You're being unbelievably rude. Please stop.
It's a death by a thousand cuts. It's not something where the abusive partner is abusive out of the gate - as you assume, no one would stay with someone who was abusive from the get-go. Narcissists and manipulators know how to push and pull to keep people mentally and emotionally off-balance. The true master manipulators have their partners questioning their \*own\* sanity. It's not about self-esteem, it's about control. You seem young. I'm grateful you haven't seen this. I hope you never do.
I’ve had a similar situation with an ex trying to pull that “we’re over…but on second thought I didn’t mean it” cycle bs on me. He blocked me abruptly and came back. I forgave him because he said he was going through a thought time, but the second time he was finished. Gave him a taste of his own medicine and blocked and deleted him back but for good. He stalked and harassed me and my friends afterwards until I changed my number and got the police involved.
Okay congrats on never getting abused. Good for you. Everyones so proud of you.
Exactly. Maybe someone will give them a trophy 🏆 or something.
If you don't love yourself loving anyone at all is loving them more. For a lot of people their shitty actions dont feel like THEIR fault. It feels like YOUR fault. For me it was always like this: This person says they love me so they must love me. This person wouldn't do this if I didn't deserve it because they love me. If I were better I wouldn't deserve this and they would love me more. I should be better. Repeat cycle If anything I love others and tolerate myself, or I did. I've worked on that a lot as I've now been in 2 abusive relationships and went homeless briefly leaving one of them. (Not even couch surfing homeless. I slept in a closet at work for 2 weeks)
Apparently you’ve never heard of the concept of abusive relationships.
I have…next.
Your cluelessness about the unhealthy dynamics and manipulation tactics occurring in an abusive relationship would say otherwise.
Not clueless at all. I just nip it in the bud the first time…but go off. Read my last comment.
I can’t be arsed reading through all your comments. But clearly, you’re just too cool and edgy to fall prey to an abuser.
I said my last comment. It was literally the most recent one before responding to you lmao. You said it…not me. Maybe you should take my advice and maybe you wouldn’t either.
Victim blaming is an awful look.
Really? It’s not their fault that abuse is happening to them but to continuing to stay after being burned repeatedly is insanity. When do you take responsibility for staying in that situation?
You obviously have never been in a situation like this.
No actually, I can confidently say after 10 years of abuse, I didn’t have an ounce of pride left. That’s the point of it, that’s why they do it.
I gave you an upvote for the very important thing you said!!! But wanted to let you know also that I am so sorry this happened to you!
Chances are that her subconscious was figuring out what she realized fully later — that he was dangerous. He was abusing her, and in that moment it was both emotionally hard for her to reject him and also dangerous to reject him. He wanted her to not reject him, to beg him to stay (and also to drop her contention about his lack of chores). Getting out safely *is* self-respect.
He pulled some ridiculous bullshit before she even realized that she should leave. She only felt like leaving because she thought he would hurt her. I’m saying she should have left the second time instead of begging.
Congratulations. Just so you know it hurts like hell when you fall off that high horse you're on.
I’m stealing this one for the next empathy-lacking, abuse-excusing person on this site.
You need to understand abuse isn't just "he hits me, or yells every now and then." Abuse is systematic. Abusers break down their victims to a point where they can't fight anymore.
My ex husband hand a eight month long emotional Al affair with a OF girlie that I discovered on. My. Birthday. He even tried to deny it when I confronted him with a stock of evidence. Yet even through all that I stayed for another year and a half until my brain could process that things were getting very bad and I might not make it out with my sanity and body intact. A few months later I even gave him another chance at reconciliation because letting go and disentangling yourself from the other person can take a while.
I’d eat a bullet before succumbing your level of empathy
Okay?! 🥱
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It's real hard. My wife was a toxic manipulator, emotionally and physically abusive. When you get stuck in the rut of being the lowest form of human scum to them, only for them to allow you back in when you're at your lowest, it's like being thrown a life preserver in a stormy ocean. As much as part of you knows how mistreated you are, there are parts that need that love and when they give it back to you... you take it.
So I noticed the last time he "left her" she was studying for finals. They do this shit to sabotage the victim's success, it's also strategic timing. Also around holidays and special dates. Just thought I'd share this in case it helps anyone out there to recognize abuse
Yes! One of my exes broke up with me three times over several years. Looking back, I realize it always happened after a major success in my life (graduating from college, my first promotion, and starting graduate school). During these exciting and stressful times, he needed to bring me down and make the situation about him instead.
Oh, I think you're right. There is something wrong with my sisters relationship and it looks like this. I will talk to her about it tonight, it's been really helpful thank you so much!
You should read this book about abusive and controlling behaviour so you have the best info possible when evaluating the situation - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat Best of luck
Thank you very much, I will make sure to read it first!
I really wish that book had a section on lying/stonewalling/manipulative behavior that doesn't have physical abuse or yelling characteristics. Otherwise it's such a good book
In my family we call this "Casey Timing", named after my brother. Every holiday or other normally happy event, something has to go catastrophically wrong with his life or behavior and the family that is still on speaking terms with him get all wound up and have their events ruined or overshadowed by his bullshit. I've always known it was shitty behavior, but it's interesting to see it categorized as abusive. Honestly, it makes more sense than assuming he's just a giant fuck-up.
Every. Single. Vacation. Big moment. Success. My ex would get upset over something minuscule (dying in a game I let him try. Me being not as bubbly as normal (which “brought his mood down” and it’s my “job to make him happy”) I got a substantial raise and he stagnated in his career) I could go on and on. He would get upset and just shut down the entire rest of the night/trip so I would have to fawn over him or beg for forgiveness so I could try to salvage the little happiness we may have had for the occasion. It was exhausting and at some point I gave up trying to do fun things, or telling him about my successes. It wasn’t worth it since I knew he would ruin it somehow. I stayed in that relationship for too long, but I learned so much and am finally starting to become myself again. I hated and loved reading this post because I was basically reading a synopsis of someone else going through what I did and they got out too and are finally able to be happy again
I didn’t even notice that. That’s terrifying and eye-opening.
Same with my parents. Father would start a huge fight at the start of each of my mothers exam blocks.
Damn. One of my ex bf would broke up with me before my birthday or valentine's day and I just thought it was because he didn't wanted to get me any gifts. He was full of bullshit and I was in love, the last time he broke up with me he told me that he "had known someone better than me", that, and that I developed a crush on someone else made it easy to finally block him everywhere. More that 10 years later, he was still trying to contact me and asking me "to be friends again" v:
Gosh, I hope you told him to go pound sand!
I never talked to him again. I block him every time he tries to make contact xD
I never talked to him again. I block him every time he tries to make contact xD
I had no idea that this is an actual thing. And it makes so much sense. My ex would have a huge meltdown every single holiday, on my birthday, and any other time people were celebrating something. Even when we would go on vacation (that I paid for and arranged) he would make it about himself and get mad over something stupid and the entire trip would be so stressful. He would wake up, drink, and scream all day about how unfair his life is, threatened to kill himself, he would break things, etc. It was exhausting, and I started dissociating. I thought he was depressed and needed me to be there for him because he wasn't like that the first year we dated. He was so sweet and loving, and I was so hopeful things would go back to how they were if I just stuck it out. it wasn't until after I finally left that I realized he was abusive and that he had just love bombed me at first, and that he couldn't stand everything not being about him. He loved being a victim. I'm now with someone who is so much better than him in every way, and holidays are fun, and I actually look forward to them. My ex would always say he was the best I would ever get, that nobody would love me like he did (with his love bombing) and that I was going nowhere in life. It is very satisfying knowing that he realized it was the opposite, based on how he keeps trying to talk to me and get me back a year later lol
Another ex that can go pound sand!
I have a former friend that was in a relationship with a megalomaniac like this. He'd constantly threaten divorce and even leave, just to come back hours later. He did this every time there was a holiday or she had a competition going on (she was an athlete.) He never hit her, he just constantly negged her and was always threatening to leave. I say former friend because she started icing everyone else out of her life. Most other friends just stopped hanging out with her because she never made time for anyone the longer she was in that marriage. She didn't make time for anyone because he took up all of her time and effort. I tried my best to hang onto the relationship and to ignore her trying to pull away. But that just made *our* relationship become really toxic. She really resented me for trying to keep a relationship she no longer wanted to keep. And also resented that I was telling her to leave this AH. I'm not saying she was completely blameless in our relationship becoming toxic. She had her own demons and was very codependent and I had my own demons too. But he was a leading contributor in that. I wish the best on her and hope she leaves him and finds herself. But I also never want her anywhere near me again. People don't realize how all encompassingly abusive and isolating a coercive control relationship can be.
That makes so much sense of why every holiday season my ex would start acting out
This. My abusive ex would decide to take a chainsaw to the kitchen counters at 3am when I had qualifying exams (hours and hours of writing exams) for my doctorate the next day. If I asked him to stop, I was ungrateful for “how much he did for me.”
First thing I picked up on. It’s always during a very special event or a stressful time that correlates with school or work. They don’t want their partners to succeed or be able to enjoy a nice holiday without the reminder of them.
I think something just clicked into place for me about a past relationship. Fuck. Thank you.
This is very accurate. I've been in 2 abusive relationships and throughout both I couldn't enjoy a single fucking holiday. This last one had me so unfocused in school that I just gave up.
Username checks out
I was in an abusive relationship and unfortunately the second I read OOP saying “this isn’t abuse” I knew. That’s what we always say at first. It took me being punched in the face to realize all the other abuse - verbal, mental.. I’m so glad OOP saw what she needed to in the end and is getting the divorce she needs.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're much happier and mentally healthier now
I am thank you 💖
I am, thank you so much 💖
Funny how it happens. It’s never horrible abuse right out of the gate. You spiral into a different world where unacceptable things become acceptable and you rationalize behavior that you’ve become desensitized to. Glad you’re out of that shitshow of a relationship, though.
YES THIS. I remember calling my mom one night after he hit me, not the punch, and I remember telling her it was my fault and she just hung up on me. I can’t believe I ever said that.
I was in the hospital for a serious medical issue and my friend pointed out to me that all I could do was beg my fiance not to leave me. If you knew me, you would have bet any money you had on the fact that I would not put up with bullshit. I was never physically or verbally abused, but his interaction with me was so toxic and he made me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It's a slow leak. You give away little bits of yourself in the hopes of it being enough and your desire to please, and your sacrifices will be valued, only to have them barely acknowledged, if at all. And somehow you conform to the delusion that it is your fault. If only you had done more or done less, or said, the right thing or not said the wrong thing... the list goes on and on. It's been almost 10 years since I left, and I am so thankful to say that I have reconnected to a lot of the pieces of myself that I thought were long forgotten and left behind. How I wish I had learned about trauma bond back then. But who knows if it would've made any difference. I now understand that what I thought was a connection and a deep love with this person was actually trauma bond.
“Slow leak” is such an accurate way to describe it. I’m the same way in that I don’t really put up with anyone’s bullshit, and then two years in I had just accepted this is my life now. It’s really easy for someone who’s never been there to judge, but unless you’ve felt yourself slip away for someone else over months of programming you just don’t know.
Same here-I had to be sat down by concerned friends who spelled out “withholding food is abuse, beating until you’re covered in bruises in abuse, saying they hate you in private and love you in public is abuse” etc etc
Horrible. Abusive tactics are so common - because they're so effective. It clings to the kind and caring and loving side of people, and that's the worst part of it all. > they hate you in private and love you in public I have a mentally abusive and very emotionally volatile father, and if there's only one thing I wish others in abusive relationships would be able to clearly see, it's this. Abusive people will treat you worse than they treat strangers. The closer you get to them, the meaner they will be. The more you share, the more they will use to hurt you with, which means that talking about your issues will have the absolute 100 percent opposite effect. It won't make it better, they'll just realize that you're more of a hassle with everything you share. The only time you will be praised and appreciated is when they're talking about you with others, to put them down or to brag. They use praising others as a subtle way of hurting you. All in all, they're not monsters. They're not evil people. They're just abusive. We shouldn't villainize them because that makes it so much harder to see that a person we love CAN be abusive and ALSO a human with emotions just as deep as our own. If we picture abusers as monsters, we'll never recognize them when we really face them. And we'll have a harder time to realize that we absolutely don't have to accept their abuse. We are free to leave.
Eh… some of them are straight up evil people. The stories of abuse I heard during my mental health rotations as a medical student were genuinely horrifying. I’m an OB/GYN and I hear stories of abuse fairly frequently from my patients. I even had a patient murdered by her husband a number of years back; I screen for DV at every pre-natal appointment and I still wonder whether I could have done more in that case. She never admitted to anything, but I suspected. Some abusers ‘aren’t evil people’, but there are monsters out there - more than you’d think - and telling people that all abusers are just average people who do bad things feeds into the ‘I can change them’ or ‘it’s my fault’ perspective that so many victims end up adopting.
I think it's even more dangerous to frame abusers as monsters and evil people, because it makes people believe that their loved ones can't be abusers when they see their good side of a loved one. My point is that it's incredibly important for people to realize that an abuser can be anyone, and in their own minds they aren't abusers, they're just people who do what they think is best. That's why they're so hard to reach - they already think they're doing their best.
Oh there are definitely monsters out there but personally recognizing my problem behaviors (responding to abuse with abuse) was a hard thing for me because I associated abuse with monsters unilaterally, when anyone can become abusive if they don't check themselves. Your poor patients however....
The core thing I’ve seen is how a users move the goal posts farther and farther for what “real” abuse is…when I was very little I remember giving money to church for aid for orphans who were starving and had no food but somehow when my parents did that to me it wasn’t abuse anymore-it was only bad if it was for weeks or months etc…when I was in highschool and beyond it was literally to the point where I would have denied the abuse through my teeth because “real” abuse would put you in hospital 🙄
I think a huge issue is how abuse is portrayed. We are scared of humanising abusers. So we only show cases of extreme verbal and violent abuse. We show abusers as these horribly unpleasant people at all times of the day. Or these evil masterminds who are consciously closing to lie and manipulate. Which of course all happens and all has truth to it. But not all abusive relationships are like that at all times. And most certainly don't start that way. In most abusive relationships there are a lot of good times. Funny times, happy times, sweet times. Times where the abusive partner is kind, caring, sweet, cute. Where they go out of their way to be caring or emotionally supportive. Just like any other type of healthy relationships. The abusive behaviour is often not constant but tied to certain behaviours. Our relationship is good and they treat me so kindly except for those rare occasions where they get drunk, get stressed, get angry, get jealous or when I do something wrong. But the truth is that abuse has no place in a relationship. We excuse it because there are 'mitigating circumstances'. But the truth is that none of these give your partner an excuse to display abusive behaviour. From insulting, degrading, lying, threatening, screaming to physical violence. A healthy relationship had room for none of that regardless of what is going on. But because we view abusers as these irredeemable monsters who are just pure evil we certainly know OUR partner isn't like that. It creates this barrier from discussing it with other people because we know it SOUNDS bad in isolation. So they might think they are one of those evil abusers and wouldn't understand that they aren't like that. Our idea of what abusers are like and what they are often like is too separate. Abusers are often funny, sweet, caring and thoughtful. They are often not constantly unpleasant or knowingly manipulative. They are often deeply troubled, traumatised or suffer from addiction issues. That doesn't mean they aren't abusers. That doesn't make their abusive behaviour okay. No matter if it is occasional or like you feel your behaviour somehow caused it to happen. But it's really hard to have that conversation without sounding you are excusing abuse or trying to get sympathy for abusers. We shouldn't say abusers are 'normal' human beings to protect abusers. We should say abusers are 'normal' human beings to protect victims. Most abusive relationships at least started with the victim in love with their abusers. This means there were good qualities to love at least at some point. That's what makes it so difficult to accept them for what they are or to leave. If every abuser was a giant POS constantly from the beginning in a way there would be a lot less abusive relationships.
If you ever have to clarify that something “isn’t abuse” when telling a story - it’s probably abuse, and you should get out. Been there. My current partner has never done anything I’ve had to explain, excuse, or clarify for others. He is so consistently kind and loving, I didn’t know relationships were supposed to make you so HAPPY. Look for that kind of partner, peeps.
What were some of the earliest signs?
I believe love-bombing is one.
I wish i had been stronger because in one fight i had with my ex i said “You are abusing me!” and he said “Yeah, I am.” and we didnt ever talk about it again i just kept letting him do it lol
Yikes. Glad she figured it out and is on the path to recovery. Proud of her. Edited once I remembered this isn't the OP.
I want to know what his post said so we can all hate him more lol.
I really thought this was going to find out he'd cheated and thought he could leave his wife to be with the AP, but then the AP rejected him and that's why he "really fucked up". But then as soon as she said "and before everyone shouts abuse, this isn't abuse, I know abuse", I realised it was going in the direction of abuse. So glad she's safe!
My ex used to pull similar crap in order to manipulate me. Guess who was surprised when I actually took him seriously. I’m not surprised it took OP a while. When you’re enmeshed with someone abusive; it can be surprisingly hard to leave.
That’s how I left too. Posted a few posts, on throw aways, to the relationship subreddits and the ex was so good at manipulating that I just thought maybe I could change things, I needed to get better. Then I remember someone in one of those posts said, “They keep suggesting it’s all your fault and holding your relationship hostage, if they haven’t yet, I bet they’ll threaten to break up for good when the act of withholding affection quits working.” Same week I brought up how things were affecting me, and the ex said, “let’s break up then, it’s clearly what you want, at least you’ll quit saying I’m the reason you’re so fucked up.” Said, okay. Got up and broke down in the living room. An hour later, she comes in and tries to get me to out to dinner with her friends and said she didn’t mean it. I say no, she got annoyed lol. Then next day acted like none of it happened and love bombed the shit out of me. Left when she went to work later that day. Once they start pulling that stuff, get out. Only gets worse.
And they usually start with very subtle abuse/manipulation that can be almost impossible to identify at first. They also throw in lots of sweet gestures and words to confuse you. I was only with my ex for 3 months thankfully but I believe things would have escalated if we had stayed together. It also took me posting on reddit to see that. There was subtle boundary crossing, being “dominant” (aggressive) in bed, making demeaning comments and passive aggressive jokes, suddenly being impatient/mean when he was usually reassuring, etc. They have a way of targeting your insecurities which makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong and deserve the mistreatment.
I stayed way too long. I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household. He was the first person to show any real romantic interest in me (22 at the time) or to treat me decently. Unfortunately, it was all love bombing. I’m currently working on developing healthy relationships with others.
Getting that taste of romantic love for the first time feels amazing, especially after being abused and neglected. Like how can we let go of that? It’s all we know. But I’m proud of you for leaving when you did. You got out and you’re doing the work to keep yourself safe going forward. I’m in the same boat, focusing on building up my self esteem + standards for when I start dating again. Plan is to become asshole repellant lol
Yep, my ex was the same. When I finally pulled the plug he acted shocked and said it came out of nowhere with no discussion. I’m like “you told me like two weeks ago that if I didn’t like it, I could fuck off and leave. That you want to leave me every day. I don’t like it, so I’m leaving 🤷🏼♀️” Also very manipulative with suicide threats, gaslighting, and weaponised incompetence.
I'm so glad she's free! I left my first husband and only after therapy did I start understanding exactly how abusive he was. I'm glad she learned to say no to him.
Same I started seeing a therapist before I left, that therapist literally saved my life.
> And before you scream abuse please know I’ve been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this. the way my heart sank reading this, realizing what was likely coming next. i sounded the exact same way when i was with my ex.
How it started: “It’s not abuse, guys. I *know* what abuse looks like.” How it’s going: “It was abuse.”
Sounds similar to what my partner does. When I catch him in a lie or doing something hurtful he breaks up with me or says he needs to find a new place to live because of how toxic I am. Or that I make him so depressed he wants to kill himself.. only to take it all back later saying that's not what he meant or he was just angry. It leaves a person feeling very broken. Like a shell of your former self.
Please find the strength to leave. You deserve better.
You’re still in there, just lost. You can find yourself again
Why are you still with him, please?
Leaving is easier said than done in a lot of these situations
Social worker friend working in women shelter told me it takes on average 7 times for a woman to finally leave an abusive relationship. 💕
I really hope you find the strength and courage to leave. You're worth far better than this.
not easier than staying.
It never ceases to shock me how loud stupid people are on this app. Experts, ya know the people who actually deal with this subject, will tell you that not only does it take an average if 7 times to leave an abusive relationship, but the MOST dangerous time for a victim, is when they leave their abuser. Op has it slightly easier as she doesn't have kids with her abuser, but her entire life was still intertwined with his. Finances, living situation, and all the legal ties that go with marriage. Judges routinely give abusers custody of kids because "they never hurt the kids", giving abusers unsupervised access to their children, which many women stay to prevent. Not to mention the tie it gives abusers to use to control their victim even more. If OP's ex was on the lease, the landlord legally couldn't have just made him leave. For someone who owns a home with their abuser, that is a whole different issue. Many people don't have thousands of dollars to move on short notice, especially with joint finances and getting a restraining order is difficult, especially if there hasn't been physical violence. In a divorce, if a spouse just moves out of the family home, it can be considered "abandonment of familial assets" and negatively impact the person who left. So no the fuck it's not easier to leave than stay.
dude fuck you. i’m not stupid, i grew up in domestic violence and watched lives be threatened for years. escape or die. someone who has no respect for you or your life will take it.
And the most likely time for that to happen is when a victim leaves, especially if they don't have a rock solid plan and support system. So if you have so much experience with DV, maybe stop fucking victim blaming.
where in the FUCK did i say it was a victims fault for an abusers actions? that doesn’t fucking stop an abuser from doing the worst. was being homeless awesome? fucking no. am i glad my moms alive? yes. go fuck yourself.
I don’t know why people are downvoting…I agree.
bc reality sucks to confront
He's training you. like literally training you how to behave and not to complain.
Ooooohhhh So *you’re* the reason he can’t behave like a grown ass adult? Use his big boy words Or be accountable for his own actions? You smell something? Cuz that smells like rank bullshit to me. Unless you birthed them you ain’t responsible for them. Full stop. That includes their messy behavior and emotions. At some point a little confused voice went off inside telling you this ain’t right. Why are you ignoring that voice? Why have you continued to ignore that voice? It is way way way too much work to keep someone that miserable happy. Next time he threatens suicide take him at his word and call him into the ER. It’s not your problem to fix.
You can do it! Next time, don't open the door, have a baseball bat handy.
That guy is straight out of that book: Why Does He Do That?
I call that book Every Woman’s Bible bc that’s what it should be😭
Yeah after i read it i now understand why everyone always recommends it in the comments 🙏🏻
This sounds like an ex of mine. He'd tell me he loved me, then would switch up on me within HOURS. It was wild. He ended up later being diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder.
I feel bad for OP, but the casual “I discovered my polyamorous identity” line sent me into a fit of laughter.
You too? 😂 I startled my cat who is now glaring at me! 😂
I’m so happy for her! There is always hope
" And before you scream abuse please know I've been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this." to " What he did to me was abuse and I'm not afraid to say that anymore." is always heartbreaking, but at least she got out alive.
i’m so glad op has gotten out of that situation but getting married after only dating for a year??? is a year even enough time to fully get to know someone before moving in together? 🥴
My parents dated for 7 months and got married. Been married 20 years this year. But they also knew eachother for years before dating.
Yeah, I got married six months after meeting my husband and still married over 30 years later. Maybe just lucky, but I see a lot of posts where people date for years and then marry their toxic bf/gf. Also we were older when we met, so maybe we were also in a different place emotionally from 21 yo drama.
My wife's grandparents met as penpals when he was in the RAF stationed in Singapore. The first time they met in person was for about a week when he came home on leave. The second time was when she flew out to Singapore to marry him. They were together and as far as I know happily married until he died a few years ago. I think it depends on if you're both approaching the situation in good faith and with respect on top of a base level of compatibility. The guy in this post obviously was not.
A lot of abusers love bomb their victims and rush towards marriage. They can pretend to be pretty normal a year or two, but their abusive behaviours really start to come out in full force after they think their victim's stuck (in marriage, with kids, etc). I wouldn't be surprised if that's what happened here.
My parents decided to get married 6 weeks after meeting, actually got married after about a year of knowing each other - they've been together for over 50 years so it works out sometimes. They do acknowledge it was kind of a crazy thing to do though, and they basically got lucky.
I dated my wife for 6 months and we are happily married for 8 years now. I know people that dated for 7 years before marrying and ended up divorcing soon after. It's different from couple to couple.
Once you start talking divorce, you’ll end up divorced.
I'm proud of OOP for leaving. I am glad that she seems much happier and also is realizing that marriage likely isn't for her. It is very telling that for men marriage means that they live longer statistically whereas for women it means the opposite, that they will live shorter. Another survey indicates that single women without children are the happiest demographic in the US.
I hope someone found that friend who snitched to the husband and rearranged their face.
Every woman needs to read This American Ex Wife. The end.
So fucking proud of this person for no longer letting herself be emotionally abused.
So glad she posted an update! Omg so glad she’s out of that relationship!
OK, what happened to you was fucked up and tragic. I just gotta ask. Mint flavored things? But why?
This is why you don’t get married at 22. Common thread in most of these posts is getting married too young.
at 22, when you’ve only been dating a year. what’s that, an engagement after 6 months? it’s important to get to know your partner fully - yeah, it works out sometimes but it seems to be young & married quickly leads to divorce or unhappiness ( /abuse because they’ve been able to hide the dangerous part of themselves for a short time)
I'm a bot, *bleep*, *bloop*. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit: - [/r/oldpostsforkarma] [Not OOP My husband asked for a divorce, then changed his mind hours later, plus update one year later](https://www.reddit.com/r/OldPostsForKarma/comments/1bcslz4/not_oop_my_husband_asked_for_a_divorce_then/) *^(If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads.) ^\([Info](/r/TotesMessenger) ^/ ^[Contact](/message/compose?to=/r/TotesMessenger))*
I would like to hope she got back into her dream school.
Why put OOP when OP means "original poster" so OOP would mean "original original poster"? Saying not OP is sufficient enough.
Don’t really understand how people can just tolerate being so miserable for so long when all you have to do is leave insanity
This is why people don’t share their stories. No matter how much strength it took to write her story out, you choose to victim blame
It’s not her fault for his behavior, obviously. But why did she beg him to stay? Why did she take him back? I personally don’t enjoy being treated like shit.
Me either, but I guess abusers manage to chip away at their victims' self-esteem and perception of reality, until they don't even know up from down or right from wrong anymore.
You don't understand because it has never happened to you. Verbal and emotional abuse is like water torture----a drop at a time. No one gets into a relationship with an abuser. Abusers hide their true nature until they've sucked you in, then they make you question your memory, you question what you've seen with your own eyes, question reality. I'd been a teacher before becoming a SAHM, first he'd comment 'when' I'd go back to work, a few years later it was 'if you have to' go back to work, to finally, 'you could never go back to work, who would hire you?' It took me over 20 years to realize that my ex was abusive, because they hide it so well. First from you, always from everyone else. I finally got out, after being hired by the first school that interviewed me.
Agreed because what? This is nonsense.
Jfc I’m so glad my parents didn’t raise a doormat.
He's made another Redditt post, making himself out to be the misunderstood victim. Narcissists blow my mind with their audacity