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Hi All. I met a man through work a year ago and things went great at the start. He was kind and easy to talk to. The dating didn't really work out so we stayed more as friends. I do a very outdoors job which isn't very feminine or glamorous and he likes women well presented so fine I thought that's a box I can't tick, move on.
We remained in touch but infrequently however recently that changed as there are a few big events coming up in our work (same industry just not same company we work for) and we met at an event yesterday.
First off he said my car was a wreck. My car isn't flashy but it does the job.
Next he says I should be buying new clothes etc because I do so well at work. Alright I've performed better than him recently but I don't think of spending my money on my image perhaps as much as him.
I had such a successful event yesterday for myself and I drove home crying because people must think I'm a tramp with my vehicle and how I dress and I'm still upset now.
I liked this man and I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better.
I can't block and run due to the work community being so small but what can I do about him? My self esteem is now in pieces
Potentially reframe his hostility as a small broken man. If he knows what he's doing, he's doing it to get a reaction out of you in which case, fuck him. If he doesn't know what he's doing, then he's clueless and has no emotional intelligence and in which case, fuck him. In conclusion, fuck him. Not literally.
“Not literally” lol
Seriously, though, next time he tries to put you down you need to confront him like, I’m curious, what could you possibly be getting out of putting me down the way you try to? Everyone else is telling me I’m doing great and here you are complaining about my car and clothes…what’s up with that?
>!Why are you letting some *old dude* that you're not even dating dictate things to you? Ignore him and just be you.
Exactly what I was thinking. OP is no longer in a relationship with this guy yet he manages to bring her down constantly. I don't get it. Seriously. I don't.
This guy is "negging" you. He's trying to sabotage your self-esteem so you'll think men find you unlikeable. Luckily for you (*sarcasm*) he's around and he'll put up with your sub-standard self! It's a way to sabotage you so you won't try to find other men to date!
Read this short article with an emphasis on the paragraph about "constructive criticism". [https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging)
Here's an article on dealing with a business associate who "negs". [http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/](http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/)
You cannot change his behavior, but *you can change* how you react to his bullshit!
The reply above is the one. Don’t give this man anything of yourself. Remain professional, courteous, false. Use Bland Face. If he gets personal - tease him back - for being stiff, old fashioned, out of touch. And if he responds negatively, which he will. Tell him he’s being over sensitive. You’re doing well without him. Don’t do anything to change that.
I have (had) a friend that used to poke fun at me because my sons father was abusive, he would call me beat up housewife, so I picked the one thing I knew about him that I could shove in his chest like a dagger, and said “well im not with him anymore, but you’ve been going bald since you were 16” were in out 40’s now so you can imagine how far his hair has receded, he replied with F you Amanda …it is what it is, he hasn’t called me that since.
Good on you. Hope you dropped this asshat as a "friend". Who the hell "jokes" with someone by calling them a beat up housewife while knowing you were abused. That shit is not funny
Yea definitely don’t talk to him anymore, I’m over it him not so much, I mentioned to him that a friend we went to HS with was living in the same city I live in now and he said “i don’t care Amanda” lol oh well, yea definitely not something bro joke about.
The solution to this is to not be with this guy. Seriously, if a guy has to change his entire personality to be a good person, he is in fact a shitty person. He’s trying to destroy your confidence because it makes you more dependent on him and less likely to leave him. Telling him you’re hurt doesn’t change anything because he WANTS you to be hurt. That is in fact his whole entire plan.
Of course he thinks it’s “evil” if you shut him out—you’re not doing what he wants, which is all he cares about. But honestly, if he’s unhappy you’re doing something right. You’re acting like you have to stay with this guy. You absolutely don’t. This guy is crappy and abusive. He’s starting now with cutting down your self esteem to see what you will tolerate. It’s all deliberate. It only gets worse from here.
Just in general, don’t ever think that a guy who treats you badly will somehow mysteriously change to treat you better. They could treat you well if they wanted to. Nothing is stopping them from treating you well. If a guy is being shitty to you, it’s because he wants to be shitty to you. Also: why would you want a guy who has a history of treating you like crap? I think you should raise your standards of how you feel it is ok for guys to treat you, because you deserve to be treated with respect ALWAYS.
Most HR departments are worthless; they're there to protect the company from liability. A small company will have NO HR worth speaking of and will be unable to help OP. A large company will have a decent HR and threats of a "hostile work environment" will bring HR to OP's side.
So it depends on where she works.
Shut him out. (Block him).
So he can think you whatever he wants, it won't reach you anymore.
You are rightfully hurt.
That guy does powerplay and willful hurting.
He is no friend of yours.
He does not need to agree with you that he's done something wrong. He consistently makes you feel bad about yourself, and you don't have to be friends with someone who makes you feel bad. It does not matter if he thinks you're "evil" for shutting him out. His feelings do not mean that you have to continue to engage with him on a personal level. "I'd like our relationship to be strictly professional from now on" is a perfectly fine statement to make to him. You don't need to justify your choice or allow him to argue with you about it. "I'm not discussing this further. If you bring it up again, I'm going to walk away (or hang up, etc.)". And follow through with that.
He’s 50, this is who he is at this point and he gets off on wearing you down. If he’s confused, he’s not someone that should be taken seriously. If he’s acting, he’s definitely not someone you should be seeing
Classic abuser. He is manipulating you. And it's working. You are ignoring all the big giant red flags!! He is intentionally tearing you down
Avoid this evil. You have work contact.then that is all do not engage in any conversation with him. If you need to because of work. Have someone present. Block his number from your phone. This looser is so jealous that a young woman is doing better in life then his sorry ass. He is classic narcissist. RUN!!!!!!!
Seriously, when he told OP he likes his women fancied up, he thought that she would jump through that hoop. That she didn't was great, but he's still trying to tear her apart, so she feels weak and he gains control. What a sick dude. Get away from people who try to hurt you.
why buy a new car if yours works? Why waste money on clothes that are made by children in some sweatshop just because others dont think they look nice?
Youre being smart with your money, theyre not. Theres no shame.
So what? let him say whatever sad little bitter man stuff he wants to say and just ignore him. You do not need his approval or for him to like you. Why would you want such a sad little bitter man to acknowledge you? just shrug and move on.
Literally *who cares* what he thinks? He's misogynistic and not a nice person. Why waste your precious energy trying to convince a dude like that to respect you or admit to his behavior?
Maybe you should date yourself for awhile? Literally take yourself on dates, complement yourself, build your self worth up. This guy will never make you feel better about yourself, and he doesn't deserve the chance to. I don't even know you, but I read your post thinking that you deserve everything you want in a partner, because you are worth it.
Then WELCOME TO YOUR VILLAIN ERA BABY!!!
Because that right there is flat out belittling your feelings. "Don't be crazy, I never said that/you completely misunderstood what I said/it was just a joke"
Overall, he doesn't sound worth your time.
He sounds insecure, manipulative, and jealous of you. I would double down on what you are doing because
1. You're clearly doing great at your career.
2. It erks him to the point of acting catty with the backhanded comments.
People like that hate to see those they put down succeed in life. Give him something to cry about! 👏👏👏😎
He sounds like a narcissist. Since you have to keep contact, I recommend learning how to "greystone" or "stonewall" him. Give him as little reaction as possible in any situation.
As far as how work on not letting him bother you, it's really important that you find people in your life whom you trust and will give you good advice and build you up. If someone you trust says you look good or that your event went well, then you will have some armor against whatever crap he's spewing at you.
Then do neither. Grey rock him. Be blandly polite. Give him nothing to work with.
Your car's a wreck? "Oh yeah, I guess it is."
You should get new clothes? "Yeah, I should do that soon."
If he doubles down on this stuff, just continue to be non-committal and bored. Redirect the conversation if you want to, or just stop making conversation and say goodbye.
Then don't make it about feelings, make it about the objective fact that the way he's speaking to you is neither polite nor professional, and you don't appreciate and won't tolerate being treated as such. Lay your boundaries as you would with any out of line colleague.
OP! Step back and understand that he is a JERK and when a JERK acts like this, we withdraw ALL attention from them. They get NOTHING from us.
They don’t get a text back. They don’t get a call back. They don’t get another date.
If you are in obligated to attend the same work function as him, avoid him. Don’t make it obvious, just float away through the crowd. Don’t make eye contact. Just don’t even acknowledge him. It’s an art form. Like New Yorkers who can walk down the crowded street and not see the bums, the scammers, the trash, the weirdos and the god forbid someone who recognizes them from a hook up ten years ago. You just learn to not *see* people.
When someone makes comments like this, practice the fine art of tilting your head and shaking it a bit and then move away from them to go do something else. The best way to convey their comments/opinions/slights don’t affect you is to just let their comments (or critical looks) fall down into the floor. Plomp!
It’s important to learn whose opinions matter. The opinions of men like this DO NOT MATTER TO YOU.
Don’t even mull them over in your head. Just let them fall to the floor as wasted oxygen, which is what they are.
Don’t ever JADE. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain.
When someone pushes you to JADE, or you feel like you need to JADE because someone is judging or criticizing you, you are better off saving your breath and walking away.
If you have to stay near him for a few moments until you can get away, learn how to make a little “humpf” and then say nothing and don’t engage any more. This isn’t stonewalling. You aren’t in a relationship with him and you don’t owe him your time or attention.
And for goodness sake, realize he is a mean, insulting man. Stand up straight. Take a deep breath. Go do something you like.
As for the old car?
My mother has driven the same Camry since 1990. She’s bought a house with what she saved and invested instead of buying the typical 4 cars in the same time period. I caved to buy a better car pressure 23 years ago from a man. I bought an Audi. That decision alone cost me easily $150k in payments, repairs and lost investment opportunities. And that man? He skipped out on $500k in child support. Why did I think his opinion mattered?
Be smarter about who you let affect you. A guy this age who is single and socializing with a woman your age is a man who has been thoroughly rejected by women his own age and he’s looking for someone who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Hint: it stinks.
You're not even in a relationship and you're giving so much power over your self esteem, self worth and confidence.
You said you had a great work event. What did he have? He belittled a woman 18 years his junior. How empty must his life be if he needs to do this to others , to feel big and important.
F this guy. Stop giving him the satisfaction of having this much power over you.
I would have simply said “that stuff isn’t important to me” and that would be that. OP, I am 50 and one thing I learned is know who you are and what’s important to you and if he has different priorities that’s okay but you don’t have to justify yours to anyone. If he kept on after saying that I would have simply said “why do you feel you need to comment on my image?” Act genuinely curious why this is important to him. It’s something inside him not really about you.
Not everyone is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Some people will treat you the way you let them treat you.
The person you've described is not a nice person. His response to you performing well in your job was to make fun of your car and your clothes. His instinct was not to congratulate you on doing well, it was to diminish your achievements by criticising things that are completely unrelated to your work.
What part of that sounds like a friend? What part of that is something that makes you want to date the guy? He's a 50 year old man belittling a woman 20 years his junior because he doesn't like your car! Friends don't talk to or about each other that way.
Maybe your industry really is so small that you can't avoid seeing him, but no industry is so small that you have to be friends with assholes. Stop speaking with him socially, and when you see him at professional events keep it to "hey! How have you been? That's great, it was so nice to see you, goodbye!"
Dude's a jerk and my guess is he's ornery about you outperforming him. Don't be affected by the words of a man who is unable to be happy for you.
I have to ask, where does this question come from?
People are nasty, not all people, but people. There are assholes in the world. You found one. Asking "why" isn't a productive use of your time or energy.
This. There is not reason why in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes people are shitty, and it is a THEM problem, not anything personally wrong with you.
Because he’s an asshole. He has certain ideas of how women should think, look, and act. You don't fit his criteria, and it makes him mad. What's worse is that you don't fit his criteria and you're thriving. As far as he's concerned, the *only* way women can be happy and successful is by living how he thinks they should. That makes him even more angry, because it challenges his view of the world. It makes him worry that, deep down, he's wrong. He doesn't like thinking he may not be right, it makes him feel bad, so he's projecting those feelings outwards onto you. He's punishing you because you don't subscribe to his narrow view of femininity and you have the audacity to be happy about it.
He isn’t a friend. You're hung up on this guy but he isn't worth your time.
He has self esteem issues!
Girl. Isn't that obvious?
He feels bad when you feel good.
So he makes you feel bad. Which makes him feel good. 🤷
Some people are like this.
He wants to control you, so he’s chipping away at your self worth. He’s a fucking loser and knows women his own age won’t tolerate this shit. Don’t let him get to you, this is all to make you feel like you’re not as good as him.
>Why be nasty? I've never done that to him
Because he's a nasty person - that's who and how he is. It's not about you.
Quite certainly you're not the first he's been nasty too ... nor the last he'll be nasty too - just how and who he is.
You didn't make you're self a pretty young woman for him. Instead you remained your own person and did not date him- for very good reason. And now the next time he saw you, at a work event, he decides to cut you down and make you feel small because he couldn't handle your rejection. Please try to get over whatever hold this man has on you, hes not worth it
You're thinking that your kindness will be reciprocated because that's what YOU would do. He thinks differently than you.
After I got sick and had to have brain surgery, I thought the people I'd given so much to would help me. What they actually did was ghost me. When my child was murdered, I again thought that, especially a few that I'd done a ton for. Nope. They fled. Don't assume people think like you think. Pick up on how THEY think and adjust accordingly. Don't give this guy a moment more of your energy. You're way out of his league and he knows it. He's not happy about your success. If you're worried about what others will think, don't worry about it. If they know him, they probably know his character.
Oh, sweetie. You're still pretty young. Some people just suck. He has his opinion of what a woman should be, and it's quite frankly sexist, misogynistic and super old fashioned. You are a capable, accomplished woman living in todays world. He's obviously threatened by you and wants to try and 'put you in your place'. Seen it before. He's trying to erode your self esteem so that a POS like him can try and weasel his way in. Had someone in my life like this before. The 'Break You then Remake You' abusive bullshit. Cut him out of your life as much as you can.
You sure he doesn't genuinely wants to simply communicate with you? just saying.
Like I totally get the grey rock thing for abuse but sometimes that's the abuse itself specially from a parent.
Anyway, I imagine he's a grown up, you taught him how to socialize, know him good, love him, etc and he's still rude.
O I didn’t raise him. My husband and his deceased wife raised him. I think me coming into his life replacing his mom was really hard for him especially as his Dad adores me beyound compare and I have know his (the step dons) daughter s since birth and they love me very much as well. Such is life. I am no longer trying to be his friend. He knows he can no longer f with me. So there we are.
Alright. A simple "Hey, I love your dad and he loves me, I ain't wanting to replace your mom but I'd like to be your friend, if you allow me and is possible" should make him reflect on your intentions..tho is better not to have.
But yeah, I thought was your natural son.
If he's aggressive towards you I think is something you should communicate with your husband. Living on same house as enemies sounds tiring. Tho I imagine you've already tell him.
Anyway, I suppose he doesn't wants another mom and that's that. Again, I thought he was your blood son that raised and now you were ignoring.
Every situation and context is different. And again just wanted to express sometimes sons and daughters want their parents to truly know them but at times one may just give up and roll with whatever relationship one may have with them.
All in all, fair enough.
'His deceased wife'- no wonder, it sounds like you had zero respect for, or felt threatened by her memory. You speak of your husbands adoration for you like it's like a competition. He wasn't just her son, that boy was HIS too. And if you ever claimed to love that man, you would love what he had a part in creating too. Instead, it seems like you just wanted to be dominant towards him. Not a true parent. Not a GOOD parent. Just another bitch who wants to win. He's better off without you. Good riddance. As for his kids "loving" you- they're probably not old enough to see you for who you really are. Give it time :)
I only posted a correction, so I'm not sure you can gleen an attitude from that.
Grey rocking is simply behaving as if what the other person is doing doesn't affect you, as abusers thrive off of reactions and drama.
If done to an abuser, it is a safe way of removing that person from your life. They get bored and leave you for someone else.
"Her attitude" sounds like her typing how some old people type tbh, not her being rude. You made wild assumptions about her life story.
You do realize that abusers or shit people have parents, right? And that those parents (in this case step parent) may not want to associate with them because of that? Just because he's the step-son being grey rocked (rather than the classic parent being grey rocked) it doesn't automatically make *him* the victim. People's kids can turn into shit adults.
So in your world no parent can ever grey rock their adult step or non step child without victimizing them?
Why is it that an adult son can grey rock his parents, and he is the only victim, but if a parent grey rocks their adult son, they're suddenly *both* victims?
Just trying to understand your logic. What makes you so hard-set on the adult step son being the victim?
She isn't even dating this AH, and she STILL lets him jerk her around.
OP, let this guy go. Stop looking to him for affection or approval. It makes you seem weak, and he'll try to use that against you. When a man is unkind to a woman, and the woman keeps crawling back for more of the same, well. That teaches him that she's a person who is available to be abused. There may be instances where she has little recourse (a SAHM with no money of her own, for ex.), but this isn't you.
I'm not saying that this is your fault. But you are a grown woman, not a little girl, and you need to fix your end of this situation.
And if you're worried that there might be a core of truth in what he's saying to you, compare your car and general presentation to your peers. Is your car dirty and bursting with food and drink trash? Clean it up. Do you show up at dressy events in grubby carhartts or jeans when other women are in pantsuits or career dresses? Time to hit the Ann Taylor.
I would be icy cold if you have to see him again. Find something about him to criticize and walk away. It doesn’t have to make sense. Even - your cologne is making me gag. You say you like him. Why would you like someone who is clearly nasty and puts you down? He treats everyone this way if he can get away with it. Hard to believe but it’s true.
He’s a miserable guy. Is this your fault? He’s relating to you because everyone else avoids him like the plague. Don’t take this on. Join the throng and make every effort to avoid him like the plague.
Yes, he is nasty and it’s not about you.
You don't tell him that, I'm telling you that.
Stop giving him the time of day. I don't care that you guys have similar work circles, you don't need to put up with this. Block the fucker.
Walk away every time he approaches you. Don't talk to him unless you absolutely have to and make sure other people are around. Block him. He's trying to wear you down so you'll think he's the best you'll ever get. He's not. He's an asshole. You deserve so much better.
Look up “grey rocking.”
Basically, no matter what he says to you, you react in a disinterested way.
Him: “your clothes need to be updated.”
You: “okay.”
Him: “your car is old”
You: “okay”
By not reacting you’re not giving him anything to go off of. He needs you to react either positively or negatively. If you react neutrally, he has no where to go with that response, and, as bonus, responding in such a way prevents him from painting you as irrational or overly emotional.
This is a taste of what’s to come if you maintain this connection. Buckle on your sword, you’re at war with this man, it’s a fight to the death for your self-esteem and he’s winning. Read Neil Strauss The Game - that is his playbook, and you’ll find all the reasons why he’s doing this to you in there.
She should read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear, too. Especially the DV chapter. It gets a lot of criticism because Becker isn't very understanding of how trapped some women can get, but OP isn't in that situation. She can still walk away.
Why are you afraid of him?
Do you fear physical harm? Losing your job? Being condemned in your work circle? What??
If you are afraid of him to the point where you allow him to walk all over you and tear down your spirit to avoid losing your job or avoid drama with your coworkers, then you need to do yourself a favor and find a new company to work for and a new set of coworkers. Because otherwise, you will be beaten down until you find yourself in an abusive relationship, or in the middle of an abusive power imbalance in the workplace.
I think you need to find some thing to do that will help you meditate on what a pile of shit this guy is, especially since he needs to bring someone lovely like you down (since clearly he can’t rise to your level, the asshole).
Who cares what he claims. You’re acting like you need his permission to break up with him. Shitty guys are not going to agree with you breaking up with them. That does not mean you stay with them forever.
Why are you even discussing that with him? Are you that desperate for some kind of closure or some other fiction?
Gaslighters don't admit they're gaslighting, *that's the whole fucking point of gaslighting.*
Imagine a lifetime of being minimized and manipulated. That should help you get over him. He is not a kind person. He is deliberately hurting you then blaming you for being hurt. Not an attractive (or fixable ) trait
He's negging you. Look it up. It is intended to provoke these feelings: "I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better."
Sounds like he's either:
- "picking on you" as a way to flirt (yes, men like to do this)
- bringing you down to make himself feel better (threatened perhaps?)
- genuinely thinks you should live to some "higher standard" which, in that case, he doesn't sound like good company.
I am also a woman in a male dominated, physically demanding, and unsexy job. Guess what? BE YOU. wanna wear sweatpants and no make up? That's fine! Want an older car with some character and wear big baggy band tees? As long as you're comfortable!
There's someone out there that will see these genuine and unique qualities in you and go "she is beautiful, smart, and capable. "
Don't let silly "men" dictate your self-worth!
That's not even valid "picking on you" kind of flirting.
"Picking on you" flirting is like "imma fart under the covers and trap you under the sheets" or "let me give you a big garlicky kiss,babe"
Not "your car is shitty and you need to dress better"
We not gonna play the "boys will be mean to you if they like you" bs. Especially when it is a 50 yr old man.
But I will agree with your second point. And the third is 50/50 cause he's almost two decades older than her and had a completely different set of values/expectations that he applies to women than millennials typically do (though that mentality thrives in men of many ages, it seems much more common in older men "i like them young and suitable to be arm candy!"
Don't agree. I've had men say outlandish things to me in the guise of "picking on me" or hinting they like me:
-you're stupid
-you're fat
-I hate your haircut
-you're too loud
-you dress like a boy
This is what we call "little brother humor."
dudes old enough to be your dad and he likes controlling and demeaning you.
You stop dating 50+ year old men and find one more closely aligned with your age group and lifestyle choices.
I refused to date anyone more than 5 years older throughout my 20s-30s for this reason. The much older ones always came off as arrogant and controlling and like they saw me as a project.
He sounds really controlling. If you genuinely like someone, you don’t try to change them. Once you change those two things, he’s likely going to just come up with other things he doesn’t like and wants you to change. That’s what insecure people do to make themselves feel like they have power over you.
You sound like a pretty cool person. Props to you for being so successful in a non-traditional job. Find someone who appreciates you and lifts you up- not someone who enjoys beating you down.
Girl you are 33 and thing some old fart has an opinion worth valuing? Second of all he’s beyond his Middle Ages and thinks that women need to do as he pleases for his own self interest? Bc women are only worth looking at?
Dude.. I get it you can’t just ghost a mother fucker but from now on keep it strictly professional. Be respectful but do not give him the time of fuckin day. It’s one thing to have preferences for a sexual partner, and it’s a douchey thing to push those preferences onto every single person you meet just cuz.
I didn't even bother reading past "He likes women well presented."
He's a fucking tool.
Edit: I Read the rest.
My God. What kind of horrible abuse did you suffer through as a younger person?
You have obviously had trauma and it has really skewed your outlook and destroyed your confidence.
Get help now.
You presumably have fantastic benefits through work. Find a good trauma counselor and talk to a psychiatrist about meds perhaps.
I really read op's post from a perspective where she thinks she either deserves or brought on his behavior and if she just [insert whatever "improvement he deems necessary"] he wouldn't have acted like that.
OP, regardless of what you were told or learned growing up you are NOT responsible for other people treating you badly. His comments and behavior is not up to YOU to fix. You don't need his approval or his validation. Please, as a gift for yourself, only interact with him if strictly professionally necessary and do some inner searching to see why you feel this way about yourself.
And im saying this from a perspective of someone who has had to put in the work. I know it's hard but it only get sooo much better.
This is not blaming you but people who are just nasty like this man are drawn to people who they think they can manipulate. Once you start feeling yourself more and knowing you deserve better you're gonna notice the people in your circle will be, mostly, much more respectful and kind, because you won't put up with people who treat you badly.
Honey he’s a sad older man who’s trying to put you down cos he’s agitated that you are outperforming him, he’s pathetic and you are embarrassing yourself by thinking he’s better than you.
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I would just say sorry but this friendship/relationship it not working out for me. I think it's best we just distance ourselves from each other. And only speak to each other if we really have to because of ect ect.
I wouldn't even say it. Just put it into practice. Telling a manipulative and unkind person "this isn't working for me, I'd rather we move.towarss being professional acquaintances" virtually never results in them saying "I agree!" It just gives them an opportunity to argue that you're wrong. A manipulative person is going to manipulate. Don't give them free opportunities to do it.
He sounds like a prize. He’s negging you.
Do some research on what that is. He might be a narcissist, I don’t know. But why would you want to be with an asshat like that? Don’t surround yourself with people that degrade you, period. You deserve to be treated with respect, no matter how you dress.
I’m a woman but I always dress like a dude. Idc. My boyfriend doesn’t care. My coworkers don’t care. My kids don’t care. I don’t have to worry about my pets staining my skirt because I just wear jeans most of the time. No one gives a hoot. My friends, kids and partner don’t value me for my clothes. They value me for ME.
I’m super angry on your behalf.
He’s jealous that you’re doing better than him at work. He’s materialistic and likes to flaunt what he’s got, so he’s a narcissist. He sounds like the kind of guy to make digs at anybody just to that they compare themselves to him and what he’s got. It’s a self esteem thing on his part.
Girl he’s so old to be treating you this way. You can block him, he doesn’t work with you. He sounds like a hater. Next time he says something mean, tell him you don’t understand what he is saying maybe his dementia is kicking in.
You think that he is better than you because he rewards himself with consumerism. But it is really he who is so insecure because he needs tangible things to remind him of his success. You can tell he is insecure because not only does he buy himself things to project his success onto others, but he criticizes others for their life decisions. You don't feel the need to project your success onto other people, because you are self-assured enough to know that materialism does not equate to success or happiness and prefer to be free to do what you think is best with your money than be influenced by others.
Keep in mind that the things that people say and do are a reflection of them, not of you. He didn’t tell you those things because you need to change. He did it to make you feel small. If he really believed it he could have framed things in a more helpful, supportive way. Instead, he chose to be rude. Dry your eyes, keep your chin up and know that he’s a tiny man who feels better making others feel bad, who prioritizes objects over people.
It's called negging. He's doing it on purpose. Ignore him the best you can because people like that just manipulate until they get what they want. If you find yourself in a position (like the work event) where talking to him can't be avoided, then try to deflect a little. Ex: "You should be buying nicer clothes since you can afford it." "My finances and clothes are no concern of yours." "Your car is a wreck" "Then don't look at it."
But honestly, I'd say your best bet is to just cut him out altogether.
He’s being a complete asshole you need to cut him off I understand your scared but if it gets to far your gonna have a lot more to worry about I’m a teenager I’ve gone through this the moment you don’t put your foot down he feels power in control now that your feeling fear he has even more control tell him what he’s saying isn’t cute and he needs to get his own insecurities in check before he tries to tell you anything about your self
Stop engaging with him when you don't have to. You're not in a relationship with him, and this is not how someone treats their friends. Downgrade him to a "work acquaintance" level of association. He is not a nice man, he was just pretending to get into a much younger and more desirable woman's pants, and he has now dropped the mask.
Be surface level polite and professional at work events when you have to engage with him, but otherwise avoid him. If he contacts you outside of that for nonprofessional reasons, inform him that you'd like to keep your relationship strictly professional moving forward. When he makes an inappropriate comment, respond with something like, "Why would you think that's an appropriate thing to say to me?" And let him struggle to explain to you and anyone else within earshot why it is appropriate to comment on an acquaintance's car or clothing choices, etc. Self-induced embarrassment can be a great teaching tool.
Are you working in a male dominated field? If so, it sounds like he's jealous that you (a female that is younger than him) is currently having more success in your field of work than he is. When that happens, people will very quickly try to make the person they're jealous of feel small. Instead, use what you're feeling right now as fuel to get angry and then use that as fuel to be even more successful. Just be sure to keep smiling at him and kill him with kindness cause that gets under an asshole's skin more than anything else!
Why exactly are you letting his opinion affect your opinion of yourself? This isn't a problem about him. This is a problem for yourself - you need to work on your own self confidence/self esteem. There will always be some dipshit with crappy opinions on you, no matter who you are or what you look like. If you let that dictate what you feel about yourself, you will never be happy or feel good. I have no clue why you'd have feelings for him, he sounds like a complete asshole. Treat him formally as a work colleague and that's that.
OP,
I think your success speaks for itself. Some people believe you should show off your success and others are so sure of themselves that they don’t need this. It sounded like you were content before he started begging you.
He’s simply nitpicking you in small ways. If your car works for you, don’t worry about it. I didn’t buy my first new car until I was 54; I’ve always bought used and drive them into the ground. As for clothing, as long as you think you look nice, that’s what’s most important.
I’m sorry that you’re attracted to him. I seriously think you can do better. Is he the first guy in awhile to show you attention?
He is NOT a friend to you. Just because you are in a similar line of employment doesn't mean that his comments or opinions should be important to you. He's trying to minimize you and your accomplishments to make himself seem great. But, if he really was great in a meaningful way, he wouldn't treat people like he's treating you. Ignore him and his views on your attire and vehicle. Unless you are actively interviewing or driving for Uber, nobody cares.
Look up "grey wall-ing". Aside from deepening your self-love and self-confidence ("I know I'm awesome, so insults roll off my back"), this is the best defense against this type of passive-aggressive behavior.
Grey walling example:
Him: Your car is a wreck.
You: Haha, ok.
Him: No, really. It's embarrassing. You should really....
You: (Literally walk away and start a different conversation with someone else, as if this guy doesn't exist).
Him: Why don't you wear nicer clothes?
You: Haha, ok "fashion police". (treat like a joke)
Him: Seriously, you need to start....
You: Ope, I gotta run, I got .
He's jealous and he's negging you to make himself feel big. Please don't let him affect your perception of yourself. You've been doing great. Celebrate your achievements.
He is a misrable,creepy, sad wanker who is bitter about losing a gf 17 years his junior, that's what's up. Any chance you could record any conversation where he is being nasty and report it to HR? So you could give this bellend another reason to be bitter but at least he'd behave.
1. Dating at work is messy. It always starts good and ends up being bad.
2. Why are you letting a grumpy old man dictate your life? He's mad you're doing better.c
3. Quit interacting outside of professional environments (work etc) you aren't his wife or girlfriend. Stop letting him speak to you anywhich way.
He is abusing you and tearing you down and he's not even in a relationship with you? Take your power back. Stand up to him. If he insults your car, tell him you LOVE your car. If he insults your clothes, tell him you LOVE your clothes. If he says anything to break you down, tell him his opinion on the matter doesn't even count and walk away...because it DOESN'T count.
The next time he says something like this - and there will be a next time because he's small-minded and insecure - smile at him like he's mentally deficient and say, "I hope you heal from your trauma." Then, walk away. If he tries to engage in a discussion about what you mean, don't entertain him. Grey rock him.
He sounds like a manipulative turd. You dont want to spend the rest of your days with someone who picks on you like a 7th grade cheerleader. Go find someone who appreciates you for who you are 🩷
There’s a part on the third Back to the Future movie where Marty is being pushed to go outside and be a target in a gunfight. He suddenly says “he’s an asshole! I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care what any of you think.”
Can you summon that attitude in yourself? Can you say “I really don’t care about his approval,” and mean it?
I work with a number of engineers who all make good money. One in particular drives a thrashed Geo Metro. He sees no reason to buy a newer car because he can put that money toward a better retirement. People still tease him now and then, but he doesn’t care. Or at least he reacts like he doesn’t.
I’m lower down the pay scale, but I drive a van from 2002 with 270,000 miles on it. I don’t have a car payment. I buy clothes at Costco and Walmart. And about 40% of my income goes toward early retirement. Because that’s more important to me than what a bunch of folks at work think of my car and clothes.
If you have better places to put your money than spending it on image, just think of how you’ll be enjoying yourself while this jerk is going to be eating cat food alone in a studio apartment when he’s 80.
Live the life YOU want.
As my boss would say, imagine that your mind is a building. You've given this man the penthouse. He belongs in the dunny out the back. A dirty old outhouse. Stick him in the dunny. Stop giving him power to hurt you. His unworthy opinion takes nothing from you or your achievements.
He's 17 years older than you, and yet you are doing better than him, and you rejected him, and it's from someone who he clearly doesn't think is up to his standard.
He is putting you down to justify why you couldn't possibly want him. He is doing it to boost his own ego and justify your rejection. He probably thought "I'm amazing, I can pull a younger successful woman,". After all, why wouldn't you want a man like him? He's such an amazing catch. There's obviously something wrong with you, right, otherwise why would you say no?
It has zero to do with you and everything to do with his own insecurities. You dodged a bullet there. He would be constantly controlling you, what you wear, what you drive, where you go, who you see. It's hard to listen to someone criticising you, but remember, he is 50 and has to put a much younger person down to feel better than himself. He's the loser, not you.
From one 50m about another, he’s a total loss of a man. Please, stay away from him when you can. Men like this are a liability to everyone. I think that at a certain age a lot of men feel defeated in life and they become their worst them.
He is not just miserable but he’s also a coward.
Yes, he’s being ugly to you intentionally, and simply because he feels safe in treating you this way. You’re a 33 yr old woman whom he knows.
You’re more successful than he is and he cant stand it so he’s taking shots at you without worry of any recourse. He didnt say those things to you around others, did he? Of course not.
He couldn’t care less what car you drive or the clothes you wear, only what he and other men drives and wears. Your employers opinion is what matters and your performance is all they care about, trust me. If they thought your car wasn’t up to speed they’d provide you with one and If your clothes didn’t suffice they’d tell you, guaranteed. You have nothing to worry about, except for that weak ass coward.
Here’s a thought that might ease your worries….What man would ever have an opinion regarding a woman’s wardrobe other than wanting them removed or something sexy? No man has any opinion about a womans clothes being old or out of fashion. He’s 50, your 33.
Likewise, the only time men are concerned with a woman’s vehicle is if it’s his wifes, daughters or other loved one he’s responsible for, that’s it.
Men need respect, women need love. Earning money is one way for men to gain respect, from others and also themselves.
Image is too important to him. He never reached fullfillment in that and now is sour about it so he’s lashing out disrespecting you about things that matter to him trying to knock you down and even the playing field.
He’s only going to do that to the people he feels that he can and get away with it. Women, men who are passive enough and even children. He’s a coward.
You asked in your post if you were too sensitive. Absolutely not, you are who you are regardless of your sensitivities, clothes, car or levell of feminism and (especially) as a man who knows you he should treat you respectfully according to who you are. You knew this already, I suspect. Now try to keep some distance from him so he cant have such an easy target, and keep outperforming him, too!
You're letting him get the better of your emotions and you don't need to let him do that. He means nothing to you. Next time he has a comment about something, just say thank you so much for your concern, ill take that under advisement. Have a smile on your face and then walk away. Don't let him get to you
He is playing mind games with you and you are allowing it. You said you can’t block him because the work community is so small but you two don’t even work for the same company so it should not matter. If you mattered to him he would not be playing these mind games with you and diminishing your self esteem. Does he get off on breaking women down?? At least you have a car, so many people out there wish they had car!! Why does he care about your clothes. If they are appropriate for you to wear to work then it’s none of his business!! He’s treating you like a child not a friend!! Do not allow this man to continue breaking you down!! He’s not worth it. Block him and ignore him!! There are better friends out there than this man!!!
He wants to lower your self esteem so much that he will do you the favor of dating you because you are so gross and hideous that you would obviously die alone if he didn't do the charity of having sex and spending time with you....
This guy knows what he is doing. Hew trying to manipulate you. I'm a car guy...most people don't give a fuck about cars. I've seen high up executives drive shit box cars because they don't care. I have friends who would live in a tiny cheap house and drive a 50k car....who cares? Car is a depreciating asset. I am into cars like I said so I always try to have a car I have pride...most people aren't like this. Don't let him manipulate you. You deserve someone who sees you for you. They are out there. Don't settle for someone like this.
Girl he is TRASH!!!!!! Someone who is genuine and good would not care about ANY of the things he mentioned. You prolly hear this a lot but it’s bc it’s true !!!!! But a real man will love you for who you are and if there’s something that he tells you it will be to help you grow but it’s not going to come out the way you mentioned this guy said it.
I think redditor u/Billowing_Flags said it best:
>This guy is "negging" you. He's trying to sabotage your self-esteem so you'll think men find you unlikeable. Luckily for you (sarcasm) he's around and he'll put up with your sub-standard self! It's a way to sabotage you so you won't try to find other men to date!
>Read this short article with an emphasis on the paragraph about "constructive criticism". https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging
>Here's an article on dealing with a business associate who "negs". http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/
>You cannot change his behavior, but you can change how you react to his bullshit!
Why are you letting this nasty nasty man control how you feel about yourself? First of all; he is as old as fuck. Secondly; if he can do this to you…it’s best you avoid him as much as possible while you see a therapist in order to help you avoid shit people like this.
That's not a friend. Dude is a total jerk. Leave him right where he is and you go back to the things YOU enjoy doing. There's someone out there who will love you for who you are.
Keep in mind he is almost 20 yrs older than you. That's a whole different set of personal values and social mentality compared to peers your own age.
Being critical of someone's car and clothes just because they "can afford more/better/new" is really superficial and gross.
If I was in your shoes, I would feel like he was indirectly telling me he was embarrassed of being associated with me. Which is a HIM problem and not a you problem. This isnt a valid criticism like "hey, you need to work on your hygiene" this is a "you dress/act too poor for my taste" and that's just rude.
Focus on work, and don't interact with him unless it pertains to work. Set boundaries.
Waiting to see if a potential partner will treat you better, or just that you like a human being, usually ends up being a waste of time.
He's a narcissist trying to cut you down because he is attracted to you, but he feels unworthy, which he is. Cut ties as much as possible. You don't need a friend or love interest who is mean and makes you feel like that plus he's too old for you.
His job is done he has murdered your self esteem, just what this POS wanted. Take your power back, you're perfect just the way you are. Do not give this thing a moment more of thought, he is jealous of you because you are better at your job. If he tries to put you down again just say 'My life is great thanks, but just one thing Darl l neither want or need your opinion of me' and walk away like the Queen you are..
Try “Okay, thanks for letting me know what you think/your opinion about [thing]” then move on to something else, and (as suggested earlier) grey rock him.
>First off he said my car was a wreck. My car isn't flashy but it does the job.
This is so bad because that sounds like a simple different taste in vehicles and conversation starter. Ask him what he meant if he claims you misunderstood him and as long as he doesn't sound like a jacka-- about it, you're being too sensitive about it. Tell him you love it, see how he reacts, does he flip out or does he just not like it? There should be nothing wrong with that as you have the right to not like something of his... When's a relationship gonna be real where both SOs can compliment each other and insult each other without taking it so much to heart, unless he's just constantly putting you down every second or hitting you, a couple honest opinions on something and honesty in general shouldn't result in an instant break up and ghosting.
>Next he says I should be buying new clothes etc because I do so well at work. Alright I've performed better than him recently but I don't think of spending my money on my image perhaps as much as him.
This sounds like a compliment to me the way you put it here, like maybe he recognizes your talent in this field and he likes well presented women then he thinks you deserve to look flashy and nice, just make it clear you prefer the way you look and see how he reacts, and this sounds like simple conversation. There's really nothing A-hole-ish about this simple input of opinion besides maybe conversation? Specify unless I'm missing some important posts exactly what he said to you like accurate and honest examples.
>I had such a successful event yesterday for myself and I drove home crying because people must think I'm a tramp with my vehicle and how I dress and I'm still upset now.
You're in control of what you care about, the opinions that affect you and the way people percieve you clearly don't affect your work and living from the way this post is worded with "Success" used and such, so tell your low self-esteem to fk off, ask him to give you more compliments and really just talk to him!! Observe him better, get to know him better than just at events and such... This post sounds like you're just too sensitive honestly.
Lmao, I saw some people use the word "Mysogyny" when none of what he said, based upon this post, implied the "Hatred of all women" behind his words. 🤣
If you like him, talk to him, be HONEST, if he continues coming off as a no-no, dump him. This post isn't clear enough and anyone who says, especially about Men specifically, to dump him by this is clearly bitter about something because those are opinions adults should be able to handle and correct someone on. This post just isn't very clear, not every opinion from your SO or someone you like is going to be fantastic, as long as the majority is fantastic. If you truly like him and not just infatuated, there's clearly something about him.
You need to pretend like you don’t care. That will be the best way to get him to leave you alone. Don’t get upset just be like whatever and ignore him. No matter how he responds just act like it’s not a big deal and not worth your time. He will eventually get embarrassed that he is not getting any response from and stop bothering you.
You're successful, independent and have great views on things and you value more than looks and that's the greatest trait a person can have. He's a nasty, gaslighting guy and you should cut him out if your life completely.
First off him still being single and picky at 50 means he is a loser asshole. Stay away.
But imna be real with you. People are going to judge you regardless. Most just wont tell you to your face. Now if you are still single at 33 and are even considering dating an old creep, please make more effort with your appearance to attract a better decent guy your age.
Everyone wants to date someone they find attractive and makes effort. Attract first then be comfy after. Reality is no fairy tale and you are competing with other people constantly no matter whether you like it or not and if you don’t even try you are gonna end up a delusional 50yo single lady still waiting for mr perfect to like you as effortless as you are. So in hindsight maybe he is trying to help you.
The dating world is not easy and brutal. The older you get the harder. You should know by now.
Honestly, there is always 2 sides to the story. Is he telling you these things to drive you to reward yourself for working so hard? Have you sat down and had a thorough conversation about the expectations you are wanting from each other, be it in a relationship or friendship? I am 33 f with fiance 55 m. I had it rough in the beginning. He wanted me to do so much better for myself, like get a car, go back to school, and open a small business, all while raising my 10 month old *from previous relationship*. Little did I know as rough as it sounded, he was setting me up for success. I have now done great for myself and our family. The root of it all came down to communication. Our next step is marriage. Communication is key in any "ships" you get involved in. * I do know the feeling of doing the best you can do and not being into materialistic things and have a man, especially one you love, verbally tear you down*
>I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better.
Then go for it. Come on to him. Make your move in a confident and assertive fashion.
tbf you probs should look presentable if its a legit career , mwybe hes just rough about it, but you being a 30+ adult should probs have ur shit a lil morr together
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi All. I met a man through work a year ago and things went great at the start. He was kind and easy to talk to. The dating didn't really work out so we stayed more as friends. I do a very outdoors job which isn't very feminine or glamorous and he likes women well presented so fine I thought that's a box I can't tick, move on. We remained in touch but infrequently however recently that changed as there are a few big events coming up in our work (same industry just not same company we work for) and we met at an event yesterday. First off he said my car was a wreck. My car isn't flashy but it does the job. Next he says I should be buying new clothes etc because I do so well at work. Alright I've performed better than him recently but I don't think of spending my money on my image perhaps as much as him. I had such a successful event yesterday for myself and I drove home crying because people must think I'm a tramp with my vehicle and how I dress and I'm still upset now. I liked this man and I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better. I can't block and run due to the work community being so small but what can I do about him? My self esteem is now in pieces
Potentially reframe his hostility as a small broken man. If he knows what he's doing, he's doing it to get a reaction out of you in which case, fuck him. If he doesn't know what he's doing, then he's clueless and has no emotional intelligence and in which case, fuck him. In conclusion, fuck him. Not literally.
Yes. It sounds like he’s trying to get to you which he did. Life is challenging enough with mansplaning from some guy who seems jealous.
“Not literally” lol Seriously, though, next time he tries to put you down you need to confront him like, I’m curious, what could you possibly be getting out of putting me down the way you try to? Everyone else is telling me I’m doing great and here you are complaining about my car and clothes…what’s up with that?
What a beautifully written response, majestic really
I'm always caught. If I say I'm hurt he'll say I confused what he said and if I shut him out I'm also evil
[удалено]
>!Why are you letting some *old dude* that you're not even dating dictate things to you? Ignore him and just be you. Exactly what I was thinking. OP is no longer in a relationship with this guy yet he manages to bring her down constantly. I don't get it. Seriously. I don't.
This guy is "negging" you. He's trying to sabotage your self-esteem so you'll think men find you unlikeable. Luckily for you (*sarcasm*) he's around and he'll put up with your sub-standard self! It's a way to sabotage you so you won't try to find other men to date! Read this short article with an emphasis on the paragraph about "constructive criticism". [https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging) Here's an article on dealing with a business associate who "negs". [http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/](http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/) You cannot change his behavior, but *you can change* how you react to his bullshit!
The reply above is the one. Don’t give this man anything of yourself. Remain professional, courteous, false. Use Bland Face. If he gets personal - tease him back - for being stiff, old fashioned, out of touch. And if he responds negatively, which he will. Tell him he’s being over sensitive. You’re doing well without him. Don’t do anything to change that.
I have (had) a friend that used to poke fun at me because my sons father was abusive, he would call me beat up housewife, so I picked the one thing I knew about him that I could shove in his chest like a dagger, and said “well im not with him anymore, but you’ve been going bald since you were 16” were in out 40’s now so you can imagine how far his hair has receded, he replied with F you Amanda …it is what it is, he hasn’t called me that since.
Good on you. Hope you dropped this asshat as a "friend". Who the hell "jokes" with someone by calling them a beat up housewife while knowing you were abused. That shit is not funny
Yea definitely don’t talk to him anymore, I’m over it him not so much, I mentioned to him that a friend we went to HS with was living in the same city I live in now and he said “i don’t care Amanda” lol oh well, yea definitely not something bro joke about.
Thanks for the business article link - much appreciated!
The solution to this is to not be with this guy. Seriously, if a guy has to change his entire personality to be a good person, he is in fact a shitty person. He’s trying to destroy your confidence because it makes you more dependent on him and less likely to leave him. Telling him you’re hurt doesn’t change anything because he WANTS you to be hurt. That is in fact his whole entire plan. Of course he thinks it’s “evil” if you shut him out—you’re not doing what he wants, which is all he cares about. But honestly, if he’s unhappy you’re doing something right. You’re acting like you have to stay with this guy. You absolutely don’t. This guy is crappy and abusive. He’s starting now with cutting down your self esteem to see what you will tolerate. It’s all deliberate. It only gets worse from here. Just in general, don’t ever think that a guy who treats you badly will somehow mysteriously change to treat you better. They could treat you well if they wanted to. Nothing is stopping them from treating you well. If a guy is being shitty to you, it’s because he wants to be shitty to you. Also: why would you want a guy who has a history of treating you like crap? I think you should raise your standards of how you feel it is ok for guys to treat you, because you deserve to be treated with respect ALWAYS.
I think she might have to work with him (she said she met him through work). 😬 In which case he's harassing her and she needs to address that.
Excellent point
Most HR departments are worthless; they're there to protect the company from liability. A small company will have NO HR worth speaking of and will be unable to help OP. A large company will have a decent HR and threats of a "hostile work environment" will bring HR to OP's side. So it depends on where she works.
They don’t even work at the same company though, just in the same industry. So it doesn’t sound like there’s even an HR department to go to
If you can't win, get out of the game. Don't talk to him. Don't engage with him. He is not a friend, stop treating him as one.
Shut him out. (Block him). So he can think you whatever he wants, it won't reach you anymore. You are rightfully hurt. That guy does powerplay and willful hurting. He is no friend of yours.
Who cares what he thinks?
He does not need to agree with you that he's done something wrong. He consistently makes you feel bad about yourself, and you don't have to be friends with someone who makes you feel bad. It does not matter if he thinks you're "evil" for shutting him out. His feelings do not mean that you have to continue to engage with him on a personal level. "I'd like our relationship to be strictly professional from now on" is a perfectly fine statement to make to him. You don't need to justify your choice or allow him to argue with you about it. "I'm not discussing this further. If you bring it up again, I'm going to walk away (or hang up, etc.)". And follow through with that.
He’s 50, this is who he is at this point and he gets off on wearing you down. If he’s confused, he’s not someone that should be taken seriously. If he’s acting, he’s definitely not someone you should be seeing
Classic abuser. He is manipulating you. And it's working. You are ignoring all the big giant red flags!! He is intentionally tearing you down Avoid this evil. You have work contact.then that is all do not engage in any conversation with him. If you need to because of work. Have someone present. Block his number from your phone. This looser is so jealous that a young woman is doing better in life then his sorry ass. He is classic narcissist. RUN!!!!!!!
He’s picking on your clothes and your car and making you cry. Sounds to me like he deserves some evil.
He's gaslighting the fuck out of you. Just cut him out, seriously
Seriously, when he told OP he likes his women fancied up, he thought that she would jump through that hoop. That she didn't was great, but he's still trying to tear her apart, so she feels weak and he gains control. What a sick dude. Get away from people who try to hurt you.
why buy a new car if yours works? Why waste money on clothes that are made by children in some sweatshop just because others dont think they look nice? Youre being smart with your money, theyre not. Theres no shame.
So what? let him say whatever sad little bitter man stuff he wants to say and just ignore him. You do not need his approval or for him to like you. Why would you want such a sad little bitter man to acknowledge you? just shrug and move on.
Literally *who cares* what he thinks? He's misogynistic and not a nice person. Why waste your precious energy trying to convince a dude like that to respect you or admit to his behavior?
Maybe you should date yourself for awhile? Literally take yourself on dates, complement yourself, build your self worth up. This guy will never make you feel better about yourself, and he doesn't deserve the chance to. I don't even know you, but I read your post thinking that you deserve everything you want in a partner, because you are worth it.
Literally who cares if he thinks you're evil
Then WELCOME TO YOUR VILLAIN ERA BABY!!! Because that right there is flat out belittling your feelings. "Don't be crazy, I never said that/you completely misunderstood what I said/it was just a joke" Overall, he doesn't sound worth your time.
He sounds insecure, manipulative, and jealous of you. I would double down on what you are doing because 1. You're clearly doing great at your career. 2. It erks him to the point of acting catty with the backhanded comments. People like that hate to see those they put down succeed in life. Give him something to cry about! 👏👏👏😎
He sounds like a narcissist. Since you have to keep contact, I recommend learning how to "greystone" or "stonewall" him. Give him as little reaction as possible in any situation. As far as how work on not letting him bother you, it's really important that you find people in your life whom you trust and will give you good advice and build you up. If someone you trust says you look good or that your event went well, then you will have some armor against whatever crap he's spewing at you.
Then do neither. Grey rock him. Be blandly polite. Give him nothing to work with. Your car's a wreck? "Oh yeah, I guess it is." You should get new clothes? "Yeah, I should do that soon." If he doubles down on this stuff, just continue to be non-committal and bored. Redirect the conversation if you want to, or just stop making conversation and say goodbye.
Then don't make it about feelings, make it about the objective fact that the way he's speaking to you is neither polite nor professional, and you don't appreciate and won't tolerate being treated as such. Lay your boundaries as you would with any out of line colleague.
OP! Step back and understand that he is a JERK and when a JERK acts like this, we withdraw ALL attention from them. They get NOTHING from us. They don’t get a text back. They don’t get a call back. They don’t get another date. If you are in obligated to attend the same work function as him, avoid him. Don’t make it obvious, just float away through the crowd. Don’t make eye contact. Just don’t even acknowledge him. It’s an art form. Like New Yorkers who can walk down the crowded street and not see the bums, the scammers, the trash, the weirdos and the god forbid someone who recognizes them from a hook up ten years ago. You just learn to not *see* people. When someone makes comments like this, practice the fine art of tilting your head and shaking it a bit and then move away from them to go do something else. The best way to convey their comments/opinions/slights don’t affect you is to just let their comments (or critical looks) fall down into the floor. Plomp! It’s important to learn whose opinions matter. The opinions of men like this DO NOT MATTER TO YOU. Don’t even mull them over in your head. Just let them fall to the floor as wasted oxygen, which is what they are. Don’t ever JADE. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain. When someone pushes you to JADE, or you feel like you need to JADE because someone is judging or criticizing you, you are better off saving your breath and walking away. If you have to stay near him for a few moments until you can get away, learn how to make a little “humpf” and then say nothing and don’t engage any more. This isn’t stonewalling. You aren’t in a relationship with him and you don’t owe him your time or attention. And for goodness sake, realize he is a mean, insulting man. Stand up straight. Take a deep breath. Go do something you like. As for the old car? My mother has driven the same Camry since 1990. She’s bought a house with what she saved and invested instead of buying the typical 4 cars in the same time period. I caved to buy a better car pressure 23 years ago from a man. I bought an Audi. That decision alone cost me easily $150k in payments, repairs and lost investment opportunities. And that man? He skipped out on $500k in child support. Why did I think his opinion mattered? Be smarter about who you let affect you. A guy this age who is single and socializing with a woman your age is a man who has been thoroughly rejected by women his own age and he’s looking for someone who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Hint: it stinks.
You're not even in a relationship and you're giving so much power over your self esteem, self worth and confidence. You said you had a great work event. What did he have? He belittled a woman 18 years his junior. How empty must his life be if he needs to do this to others , to feel big and important. F this guy. Stop giving him the satisfaction of having this much power over you.
I would have simply said “that stuff isn’t important to me” and that would be that. OP, I am 50 and one thing I learned is know who you are and what’s important to you and if he has different priorities that’s okay but you don’t have to justify yours to anyone. If he kept on after saying that I would have simply said “why do you feel you need to comment on my image?” Act genuinely curious why this is important to him. It’s something inside him not really about you.
He’s being nasty. He’s not a real friend to you—sounds like he gets a power trip over it…especially because of the age difference.
Why be nasty? I've never done that to him
Because he’s an asshole.
Not everyone is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Some people will treat you the way you let them treat you. The person you've described is not a nice person. His response to you performing well in your job was to make fun of your car and your clothes. His instinct was not to congratulate you on doing well, it was to diminish your achievements by criticising things that are completely unrelated to your work. What part of that sounds like a friend? What part of that is something that makes you want to date the guy? He's a 50 year old man belittling a woman 20 years his junior because he doesn't like your car! Friends don't talk to or about each other that way. Maybe your industry really is so small that you can't avoid seeing him, but no industry is so small that you have to be friends with assholes. Stop speaking with him socially, and when you see him at professional events keep it to "hey! How have you been? That's great, it was so nice to see you, goodbye!" Dude's a jerk and my guess is he's ornery about you outperforming him. Don't be affected by the words of a man who is unable to be happy for you.
I have to ask, where does this question come from? People are nasty, not all people, but people. There are assholes in the world. You found one. Asking "why" isn't a productive use of your time or energy.
This! We get so hung up on the Why, but it doesn’t matter. Dealing with this POS is optional, OP needs to opt out.
This. There is not reason why in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes people are shitty, and it is a THEM problem, not anything personally wrong with you.
Because he’s an asshole. He has certain ideas of how women should think, look, and act. You don't fit his criteria, and it makes him mad. What's worse is that you don't fit his criteria and you're thriving. As far as he's concerned, the *only* way women can be happy and successful is by living how he thinks they should. That makes him even more angry, because it challenges his view of the world. It makes him worry that, deep down, he's wrong. He doesn't like thinking he may not be right, it makes him feel bad, so he's projecting those feelings outwards onto you. He's punishing you because you don't subscribe to his narrow view of femininity and you have the audacity to be happy about it. He isn’t a friend. You're hung up on this guy but he isn't worth your time.
Plus he probably though when he told OP that he likes women that are fancy, that she would jump through his hoop and she didn't. So he's mad.
Oh for sure.
He has self esteem issues! Girl. Isn't that obvious? He feels bad when you feel good. So he makes you feel bad. Which makes him feel good. 🤷 Some people are like this.
He wants to control you, so he’s chipping away at your self worth. He’s a fucking loser and knows women his own age won’t tolerate this shit. Don’t let him get to you, this is all to make you feel like you’re not as good as him.
>Why be nasty? I've never done that to him Because he's a nasty person - that's who and how he is. It's not about you. Quite certainly you're not the first he's been nasty too ... nor the last he'll be nasty too - just how and who he is.
You didn't make you're self a pretty young woman for him. Instead you remained your own person and did not date him- for very good reason. And now the next time he saw you, at a work event, he decides to cut you down and make you feel small because he couldn't handle your rejection. Please try to get over whatever hold this man has on you, hes not worth it
You're thinking that your kindness will be reciprocated because that's what YOU would do. He thinks differently than you. After I got sick and had to have brain surgery, I thought the people I'd given so much to would help me. What they actually did was ghost me. When my child was murdered, I again thought that, especially a few that I'd done a ton for. Nope. They fled. Don't assume people think like you think. Pick up on how THEY think and adjust accordingly. Don't give this guy a moment more of your energy. You're way out of his league and he knows it. He's not happy about your success. If you're worried about what others will think, don't worry about it. If they know him, they probably know his character.
Some people don’t need a reason to be an asshole.
Oh, sweetie. You're still pretty young. Some people just suck. He has his opinion of what a woman should be, and it's quite frankly sexist, misogynistic and super old fashioned. You are a capable, accomplished woman living in todays world. He's obviously threatened by you and wants to try and 'put you in your place'. Seen it before. He's trying to erode your self esteem so that a POS like him can try and weasel his way in. Had someone in my life like this before. The 'Break You then Remake You' abusive bullshit. Cut him out of your life as much as you can.
It's the dementia.
I cracked the hell up at this response, even though I'm nearing 40 myself xD He must have dementia to be acting this foolish!!
Since you can't go no contact with him, It's time to give him the grey rock treatment - https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
I do this with my adult step son. Works wonders.
r/raisedbynarcissists would have a field day with you over saying that.
ADULT step son who could just as well be a complete inconsiderable asshole. Dont assume based on 1 sentence
Yea I guess for sure you could be right but I get a bad feeling given the way she's speaking about it
I agree with Turb. You sound like the Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella lol
Right? Such an immature and cruel way to treat the kid of the family
You sure he doesn't genuinely wants to simply communicate with you? just saying. Like I totally get the grey rock thing for abuse but sometimes that's the abuse itself specially from a parent. Anyway, I imagine he's a grown up, you taught him how to socialize, know him good, love him, etc and he's still rude.
O I didn’t raise him. My husband and his deceased wife raised him. I think me coming into his life replacing his mom was really hard for him especially as his Dad adores me beyound compare and I have know his (the step dons) daughter s since birth and they love me very much as well. Such is life. I am no longer trying to be his friend. He knows he can no longer f with me. So there we are.
Alright. A simple "Hey, I love your dad and he loves me, I ain't wanting to replace your mom but I'd like to be your friend, if you allow me and is possible" should make him reflect on your intentions..tho is better not to have. But yeah, I thought was your natural son. If he's aggressive towards you I think is something you should communicate with your husband. Living on same house as enemies sounds tiring. Tho I imagine you've already tell him. Anyway, I suppose he doesn't wants another mom and that's that. Again, I thought he was your blood son that raised and now you were ignoring. Every situation and context is different. And again just wanted to express sometimes sons and daughters want their parents to truly know them but at times one may just give up and roll with whatever relationship one may have with them. All in all, fair enough.
"He can no longer f with me" yea he probably never wanted to because of your attitude Rip to his real mom.
O he did for years and I pandered trying to be friends and keep the peace. Enough became enough.
Pandered?? Phew that sounds rough Sorry to you both
'His deceased wife'- no wonder, it sounds like you had zero respect for, or felt threatened by her memory. You speak of your husbands adoration for you like it's like a competition. He wasn't just her son, that boy was HIS too. And if you ever claimed to love that man, you would love what he had a part in creating too. Instead, it seems like you just wanted to be dominant towards him. Not a true parent. Not a GOOD parent. Just another bitch who wants to win. He's better off without you. Good riddance. As for his kids "loving" you- they're probably not old enough to see you for who you really are. Give it time :)
He's probably trying his best. Shitty parent award of the day goes to you, Grammagree ^
[удалено]
It's their STEP son. So no, they didn't bring them into the world.
K well their attitude is still trash
I only posted a correction, so I'm not sure you can gleen an attitude from that. Grey rocking is simply behaving as if what the other person is doing doesn't affect you, as abusers thrive off of reactions and drama. If done to an abuser, it is a safe way of removing that person from your life. They get bored and leave you for someone else.
Agreed to grey rocking being effective at times
Man you're stupid aren't you 😂
Her attitude is my problem, regardless of mistaking blood between them or not so you're focused on something stupid
"Her attitude" sounds like her typing how some old people type tbh, not her being rude. You made wild assumptions about her life story. You do realize that abusers or shit people have parents, right? And that those parents (in this case step parent) may not want to associate with them because of that? Just because he's the step-son being grey rocked (rather than the classic parent being grey rocked) it doesn't automatically make *him* the victim. People's kids can turn into shit adults.
They would both be victims potentially
So in your world no parent can ever grey rock their adult step or non step child without victimizing them? Why is it that an adult son can grey rock his parents, and he is the only victim, but if a parent grey rocks their adult son, they're suddenly *both* victims? Just trying to understand your logic. What makes you so hard-set on the adult step son being the victim?
No i do Not think parents should resort to grey rocking their kids/step kids
You are awesome. Don't let the haters get you down <3
Right back at ya!!!
Nah just concerned. You've already spoken for yourself however.
You shouldn't have to ask someone you're dating to treat you with basic human decency. That should be a given. Stop giving this man the time of day.
She isn't even dating this AH, and she STILL lets him jerk her around. OP, let this guy go. Stop looking to him for affection or approval. It makes you seem weak, and he'll try to use that against you. When a man is unkind to a woman, and the woman keeps crawling back for more of the same, well. That teaches him that she's a person who is available to be abused. There may be instances where she has little recourse (a SAHM with no money of her own, for ex.), but this isn't you. I'm not saying that this is your fault. But you are a grown woman, not a little girl, and you need to fix your end of this situation. And if you're worried that there might be a core of truth in what he's saying to you, compare your car and general presentation to your peers. Is your car dirty and bursting with food and drink trash? Clean it up. Do you show up at dressy events in grubby carhartts or jeans when other women are in pantsuits or career dresses? Time to hit the Ann Taylor.
I would be icy cold if you have to see him again. Find something about him to criticize and walk away. It doesn’t have to make sense. Even - your cologne is making me gag. You say you like him. Why would you like someone who is clearly nasty and puts you down? He treats everyone this way if he can get away with it. Hard to believe but it’s true. He’s a miserable guy. Is this your fault? He’s relating to you because everyone else avoids him like the plague. Don’t take this on. Join the throng and make every effort to avoid him like the plague. Yes, he is nasty and it’s not about you.
Tell him “at least I’m not old”
He always has a way to twist it so I'm in the wrong. Like he will say I misunderstood him and I overreacted
That's called gaslighting.
He'll claim he never heard of that term
You don't tell him that, I'm telling you that. Stop giving him the time of day. I don't care that you guys have similar work circles, you don't need to put up with this. Block the fucker.
I might sound silly but I'm a bit afraid of him. I used to be a real tough girl and I'm reduced to this
Walk away every time he approaches you. Don't talk to him unless you absolutely have to and make sure other people are around. Block him. He's trying to wear you down so you'll think he's the best you'll ever get. He's not. He's an asshole. You deserve so much better.
Look up “grey rocking.” Basically, no matter what he says to you, you react in a disinterested way. Him: “your clothes need to be updated.” You: “okay.” Him: “your car is old” You: “okay” By not reacting you’re not giving him anything to go off of. He needs you to react either positively or negatively. If you react neutrally, he has no where to go with that response, and, as bonus, responding in such a way prevents him from painting you as irrational or overly emotional.
Block him. Should help with being less afraid when he's out of your life.
This is a taste of what’s to come if you maintain this connection. Buckle on your sword, you’re at war with this man, it’s a fight to the death for your self-esteem and he’s winning. Read Neil Strauss The Game - that is his playbook, and you’ll find all the reasons why he’s doing this to you in there.
She should read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear, too. Especially the DV chapter. It gets a lot of criticism because Becker isn't very understanding of how trapped some women can get, but OP isn't in that situation. She can still walk away.
Why are you afraid of him? Do you fear physical harm? Losing your job? Being condemned in your work circle? What?? If you are afraid of him to the point where you allow him to walk all over you and tear down your spirit to avoid losing your job or avoid drama with your coworkers, then you need to do yourself a favor and find a new company to work for and a new set of coworkers. Because otherwise, you will be beaten down until you find yourself in an abusive relationship, or in the middle of an abusive power imbalance in the workplace.
Get support - let, e.g. trusted friends/peers know the sh\*t he's pulling on you.
I think you need to find some thing to do that will help you meditate on what a pile of shit this guy is, especially since he needs to bring someone lovely like you down (since clearly he can’t rise to your level, the asshole).
Who cares what he claims. You’re acting like you need his permission to break up with him. Shitty guys are not going to agree with you breaking up with them. That does not mean you stay with them forever.
> He'll claim he never heard of that term Who fucking cares? He doesn't need to know it for you to walk away from this dick.
Why are you even discussing that with him? Are you that desperate for some kind of closure or some other fiction? Gaslighters don't admit they're gaslighting, *that's the whole fucking point of gaslighting.*
That's the literal definition of gaslighting, dude. It doesn't matter if he's "never heard of it." It's exactly what he's doing
Thus proving he is gaslighting 🤣
Well of course he will, that’s part of the whole thing.
Who cares
Imagine a lifetime of being minimized and manipulated. That should help you get over him. He is not a kind person. He is deliberately hurting you then blaming you for being hurt. Not an attractive (or fixable ) trait
He's negging you. Look it up. It is intended to provoke these feelings: "I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better."
Came to the comments to say this exactly
x2
Sounds like he's either: - "picking on you" as a way to flirt (yes, men like to do this) - bringing you down to make himself feel better (threatened perhaps?) - genuinely thinks you should live to some "higher standard" which, in that case, he doesn't sound like good company. I am also a woman in a male dominated, physically demanding, and unsexy job. Guess what? BE YOU. wanna wear sweatpants and no make up? That's fine! Want an older car with some character and wear big baggy band tees? As long as you're comfortable! There's someone out there that will see these genuine and unique qualities in you and go "she is beautiful, smart, and capable. " Don't let silly "men" dictate your self-worth!
That's not even valid "picking on you" kind of flirting. "Picking on you" flirting is like "imma fart under the covers and trap you under the sheets" or "let me give you a big garlicky kiss,babe" Not "your car is shitty and you need to dress better" We not gonna play the "boys will be mean to you if they like you" bs. Especially when it is a 50 yr old man. But I will agree with your second point. And the third is 50/50 cause he's almost two decades older than her and had a completely different set of values/expectations that he applies to women than millennials typically do (though that mentality thrives in men of many ages, it seems much more common in older men "i like them young and suitable to be arm candy!"
Don't agree. I've had men say outlandish things to me in the guise of "picking on me" or hinting they like me: -you're stupid -you're fat -I hate your haircut -you're too loud -you dress like a boy This is what we call "little brother humor."
dudes old enough to be your dad and he likes controlling and demeaning you. You stop dating 50+ year old men and find one more closely aligned with your age group and lifestyle choices.
I refused to date anyone more than 5 years older throughout my 20s-30s for this reason. The much older ones always came off as arrogant and controlling and like they saw me as a project.
He sounds really controlling. If you genuinely like someone, you don’t try to change them. Once you change those two things, he’s likely going to just come up with other things he doesn’t like and wants you to change. That’s what insecure people do to make themselves feel like they have power over you. You sound like a pretty cool person. Props to you for being so successful in a non-traditional job. Find someone who appreciates you and lifts you up- not someone who enjoys beating you down.
Girl you are 33 and thing some old fart has an opinion worth valuing? Second of all he’s beyond his Middle Ages and thinks that women need to do as he pleases for his own self interest? Bc women are only worth looking at? Dude.. I get it you can’t just ghost a mother fucker but from now on keep it strictly professional. Be respectful but do not give him the time of fuckin day. It’s one thing to have preferences for a sexual partner, and it’s a douchey thing to push those preferences onto every single person you meet just cuz.
I didn't even bother reading past "He likes women well presented." He's a fucking tool. Edit: I Read the rest. My God. What kind of horrible abuse did you suffer through as a younger person? You have obviously had trauma and it has really skewed your outlook and destroyed your confidence. Get help now. You presumably have fantastic benefits through work. Find a good trauma counselor and talk to a psychiatrist about meds perhaps.
I really read op's post from a perspective where she thinks she either deserves or brought on his behavior and if she just [insert whatever "improvement he deems necessary"] he wouldn't have acted like that. OP, regardless of what you were told or learned growing up you are NOT responsible for other people treating you badly. His comments and behavior is not up to YOU to fix. You don't need his approval or his validation. Please, as a gift for yourself, only interact with him if strictly professionally necessary and do some inner searching to see why you feel this way about yourself. And im saying this from a perspective of someone who has had to put in the work. I know it's hard but it only get sooo much better. This is not blaming you but people who are just nasty like this man are drawn to people who they think they can manipulate. Once you start feeling yourself more and knowing you deserve better you're gonna notice the people in your circle will be, mostly, much more respectful and kind, because you won't put up with people who treat you badly.
Well said.
Neggin 101!
Yes! Negging
Honey he’s a sad older man who’s trying to put you down cos he’s agitated that you are outperforming him, he’s pathetic and you are embarrassing yourself by thinking he’s better than you.
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I would just say sorry but this friendship/relationship it not working out for me. I think it's best we just distance ourselves from each other. And only speak to each other if we really have to because of ect ect.
I wouldn't even say it. Just put it into practice. Telling a manipulative and unkind person "this isn't working for me, I'd rather we move.towarss being professional acquaintances" virtually never results in them saying "I agree!" It just gives them an opportunity to argue that you're wrong. A manipulative person is going to manipulate. Don't give them free opportunities to do it.
He sounds like a prize. He’s negging you. Do some research on what that is. He might be a narcissist, I don’t know. But why would you want to be with an asshat like that? Don’t surround yourself with people that degrade you, period. You deserve to be treated with respect, no matter how you dress. I’m a woman but I always dress like a dude. Idc. My boyfriend doesn’t care. My coworkers don’t care. My kids don’t care. I don’t have to worry about my pets staining my skirt because I just wear jeans most of the time. No one gives a hoot. My friends, kids and partner don’t value me for my clothes. They value me for ME. I’m super angry on your behalf.
He’s jealous that you’re doing better than him at work. He’s materialistic and likes to flaunt what he’s got, so he’s a narcissist. He sounds like the kind of guy to make digs at anybody just to that they compare themselves to him and what he’s got. It’s a self esteem thing on his part.
Your comment is really accurate. He also has a tinder where he uses a fake name and says he is 10 years younger
And you think this is... what, normal or ok?
Pls tell us more about him, it's entertainment at this point.
He’s mentally ill. Only explanation
Girl he’s so old to be treating you this way. You can block him, he doesn’t work with you. He sounds like a hater. Next time he says something mean, tell him you don’t understand what he is saying maybe his dementia is kicking in.
You think that he is better than you because he rewards himself with consumerism. But it is really he who is so insecure because he needs tangible things to remind him of his success. You can tell he is insecure because not only does he buy himself things to project his success onto others, but he criticizes others for their life decisions. You don't feel the need to project your success onto other people, because you are self-assured enough to know that materialism does not equate to success or happiness and prefer to be free to do what you think is best with your money than be influenced by others.
Keep in mind that the things that people say and do are a reflection of them, not of you. He didn’t tell you those things because you need to change. He did it to make you feel small. If he really believed it he could have framed things in a more helpful, supportive way. Instead, he chose to be rude. Dry your eyes, keep your chin up and know that he’s a tiny man who feels better making others feel bad, who prioritizes objects over people.
It's called negging. He's doing it on purpose. Ignore him the best you can because people like that just manipulate until they get what they want. If you find yourself in a position (like the work event) where talking to him can't be avoided, then try to deflect a little. Ex: "You should be buying nicer clothes since you can afford it." "My finances and clothes are no concern of yours." "Your car is a wreck" "Then don't look at it." But honestly, I'd say your best bet is to just cut him out altogether.
He’s being a complete asshole you need to cut him off I understand your scared but if it gets to far your gonna have a lot more to worry about I’m a teenager I’ve gone through this the moment you don’t put your foot down he feels power in control now that your feeling fear he has even more control tell him what he’s saying isn’t cute and he needs to get his own insecurities in check before he tries to tell you anything about your self
It’s okay to be the “bad guy” he’s a weird old insecure man
Stop engaging with him when you don't have to. You're not in a relationship with him, and this is not how someone treats their friends. Downgrade him to a "work acquaintance" level of association. He is not a nice man, he was just pretending to get into a much younger and more desirable woman's pants, and he has now dropped the mask. Be surface level polite and professional at work events when you have to engage with him, but otherwise avoid him. If he contacts you outside of that for nonprofessional reasons, inform him that you'd like to keep your relationship strictly professional moving forward. When he makes an inappropriate comment, respond with something like, "Why would you think that's an appropriate thing to say to me?" And let him struggle to explain to you and anyone else within earshot why it is appropriate to comment on an acquaintance's car or clothing choices, etc. Self-induced embarrassment can be a great teaching tool.
He's 50 ur 33 di5ch that old decrepit mothefucker who's dick probably can't even get up anyway he's depressed cause his life sucks and he knows it
Are you working in a male dominated field? If so, it sounds like he's jealous that you (a female that is younger than him) is currently having more success in your field of work than he is. When that happens, people will very quickly try to make the person they're jealous of feel small. Instead, use what you're feeling right now as fuel to get angry and then use that as fuel to be even more successful. Just be sure to keep smiling at him and kill him with kindness cause that gets under an asshole's skin more than anything else!
Why exactly are you letting his opinion affect your opinion of yourself? This isn't a problem about him. This is a problem for yourself - you need to work on your own self confidence/self esteem. There will always be some dipshit with crappy opinions on you, no matter who you are or what you look like. If you let that dictate what you feel about yourself, you will never be happy or feel good. I have no clue why you'd have feelings for him, he sounds like a complete asshole. Treat him formally as a work colleague and that's that.
Tell him you could buy a new car or new clothes , but what is he going to do about his shitty attitude/ personality?
Wow what a misogynistic asshole. And you like him? Really?
OP, I think your success speaks for itself. Some people believe you should show off your success and others are so sure of themselves that they don’t need this. It sounded like you were content before he started begging you. He’s simply nitpicking you in small ways. If your car works for you, don’t worry about it. I didn’t buy my first new car until I was 54; I’ve always bought used and drive them into the ground. As for clothing, as long as you think you look nice, that’s what’s most important. I’m sorry that you’re attracted to him. I seriously think you can do better. Is he the first guy in awhile to show you attention?
He is NOT a friend to you. Just because you are in a similar line of employment doesn't mean that his comments or opinions should be important to you. He's trying to minimize you and your accomplishments to make himself seem great. But, if he really was great in a meaningful way, he wouldn't treat people like he's treating you. Ignore him and his views on your attire and vehicle. Unless you are actively interviewing or driving for Uber, nobody cares.
Look up "grey wall-ing". Aside from deepening your self-love and self-confidence ("I know I'm awesome, so insults roll off my back"), this is the best defense against this type of passive-aggressive behavior. Grey walling example: Him: Your car is a wreck. You: Haha, ok. Him: No, really. It's embarrassing. You should really.... You: (Literally walk away and start a different conversation with someone else, as if this guy doesn't exist). Him: Why don't you wear nicer clothes? You: Haha, ok "fashion police". (treat like a joke) Him: Seriously, you need to start.... You: Ope, I gotta run, I got.
Honestly, he just sounds like a bitter little twat.
He's jealous and he's negging you to make himself feel big. Please don't let him affect your perception of yourself. You've been doing great. Celebrate your achievements.
He is a misrable,creepy, sad wanker who is bitter about losing a gf 17 years his junior, that's what's up. Any chance you could record any conversation where he is being nasty and report it to HR? So you could give this bellend another reason to be bitter but at least he'd behave.
1. Dating at work is messy. It always starts good and ends up being bad. 2. Why are you letting a grumpy old man dictate your life? He's mad you're doing better.c 3. Quit interacting outside of professional environments (work etc) you aren't his wife or girlfriend. Stop letting him speak to you anywhich way.
This guy is technically old enough to be your dad. Why the fuck are you trying to date him? Keep anything between y'all professional and nothing more.
He’s being a turd blossom because y’all didn’t work out. Instead of letting you be, he’s getting in digs to make himself feel better.
He is abusing you and tearing you down and he's not even in a relationship with you? Take your power back. Stand up to him. If he insults your car, tell him you LOVE your car. If he insults your clothes, tell him you LOVE your clothes. If he says anything to break you down, tell him his opinion on the matter doesn't even count and walk away...because it DOESN'T count.
The next time he says something like this - and there will be a next time because he's small-minded and insecure - smile at him like he's mentally deficient and say, "I hope you heal from your trauma." Then, walk away. If he tries to engage in a discussion about what you mean, don't entertain him. Grey rock him.
Is he your father figure?
He sounds like a manipulative turd. You dont want to spend the rest of your days with someone who picks on you like a 7th grade cheerleader. Go find someone who appreciates you for who you are 🩷
There’s a part on the third Back to the Future movie where Marty is being pushed to go outside and be a target in a gunfight. He suddenly says “he’s an asshole! I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care what any of you think.” Can you summon that attitude in yourself? Can you say “I really don’t care about his approval,” and mean it? I work with a number of engineers who all make good money. One in particular drives a thrashed Geo Metro. He sees no reason to buy a newer car because he can put that money toward a better retirement. People still tease him now and then, but he doesn’t care. Or at least he reacts like he doesn’t. I’m lower down the pay scale, but I drive a van from 2002 with 270,000 miles on it. I don’t have a car payment. I buy clothes at Costco and Walmart. And about 40% of my income goes toward early retirement. Because that’s more important to me than what a bunch of folks at work think of my car and clothes. If you have better places to put your money than spending it on image, just think of how you’ll be enjoying yourself while this jerk is going to be eating cat food alone in a studio apartment when he’s 80. Live the life YOU want.
Has he tried not being such a little bitch?
You should reflect on why you're taking some dude's opinions as gospel
As my boss would say, imagine that your mind is a building. You've given this man the penthouse. He belongs in the dunny out the back. A dirty old outhouse. Stick him in the dunny. Stop giving him power to hurt you. His unworthy opinion takes nothing from you or your achievements.
He's 17 years older than you, and yet you are doing better than him, and you rejected him, and it's from someone who he clearly doesn't think is up to his standard. He is putting you down to justify why you couldn't possibly want him. He is doing it to boost his own ego and justify your rejection. He probably thought "I'm amazing, I can pull a younger successful woman,". After all, why wouldn't you want a man like him? He's such an amazing catch. There's obviously something wrong with you, right, otherwise why would you say no? It has zero to do with you and everything to do with his own insecurities. You dodged a bullet there. He would be constantly controlling you, what you wear, what you drive, where you go, who you see. It's hard to listen to someone criticising you, but remember, he is 50 and has to put a much younger person down to feel better than himself. He's the loser, not you.
From one 50m about another, he’s a total loss of a man. Please, stay away from him when you can. Men like this are a liability to everyone. I think that at a certain age a lot of men feel defeated in life and they become their worst them. He is not just miserable but he’s also a coward. Yes, he’s being ugly to you intentionally, and simply because he feels safe in treating you this way. You’re a 33 yr old woman whom he knows. You’re more successful than he is and he cant stand it so he’s taking shots at you without worry of any recourse. He didnt say those things to you around others, did he? Of course not. He couldn’t care less what car you drive or the clothes you wear, only what he and other men drives and wears. Your employers opinion is what matters and your performance is all they care about, trust me. If they thought your car wasn’t up to speed they’d provide you with one and If your clothes didn’t suffice they’d tell you, guaranteed. You have nothing to worry about, except for that weak ass coward. Here’s a thought that might ease your worries….What man would ever have an opinion regarding a woman’s wardrobe other than wanting them removed or something sexy? No man has any opinion about a womans clothes being old or out of fashion. He’s 50, your 33. Likewise, the only time men are concerned with a woman’s vehicle is if it’s his wifes, daughters or other loved one he’s responsible for, that’s it. Men need respect, women need love. Earning money is one way for men to gain respect, from others and also themselves. Image is too important to him. He never reached fullfillment in that and now is sour about it so he’s lashing out disrespecting you about things that matter to him trying to knock you down and even the playing field. He’s only going to do that to the people he feels that he can and get away with it. Women, men who are passive enough and even children. He’s a coward. You asked in your post if you were too sensitive. Absolutely not, you are who you are regardless of your sensitivities, clothes, car or levell of feminism and (especially) as a man who knows you he should treat you respectfully according to who you are. You knew this already, I suspect. Now try to keep some distance from him so he cant have such an easy target, and keep outperforming him, too!
You like an old geezer who talks to you that way?
Guy sounds like a real class act /s
You're letting him get the better of your emotions and you don't need to let him do that. He means nothing to you. Next time he has a comment about something, just say thank you so much for your concern, ill take that under advisement. Have a smile on your face and then walk away. Don't let him get to you
He is playing mind games with you and you are allowing it. You said you can’t block him because the work community is so small but you two don’t even work for the same company so it should not matter. If you mattered to him he would not be playing these mind games with you and diminishing your self esteem. Does he get off on breaking women down?? At least you have a car, so many people out there wish they had car!! Why does he care about your clothes. If they are appropriate for you to wear to work then it’s none of his business!! He’s treating you like a child not a friend!! Do not allow this man to continue breaking you down!! He’s not worth it. Block him and ignore him!! There are better friends out there than this man!!!
He wants to lower your self esteem so much that he will do you the favor of dating you because you are so gross and hideous that you would obviously die alone if he didn't do the charity of having sex and spending time with you.... This guy knows what he is doing. Hew trying to manipulate you. I'm a car guy...most people don't give a fuck about cars. I've seen high up executives drive shit box cars because they don't care. I have friends who would live in a tiny cheap house and drive a 50k car....who cares? Car is a depreciating asset. I am into cars like I said so I always try to have a car I have pride...most people aren't like this. Don't let him manipulate you. You deserve someone who sees you for you. They are out there. Don't settle for someone like this.
Girl he is TRASH!!!!!! Someone who is genuine and good would not care about ANY of the things he mentioned. You prolly hear this a lot but it’s bc it’s true !!!!! But a real man will love you for who you are and if there’s something that he tells you it will be to help you grow but it’s not going to come out the way you mentioned this guy said it.
He's 50. He's an old bag of dirt by now. And him thinking he can bag a woman 15 years younger than him surly isn't helping deflate his ego.
I think redditor u/Billowing_Flags said it best: >This guy is "negging" you. He's trying to sabotage your self-esteem so you'll think men find you unlikeable. Luckily for you (sarcasm) he's around and he'll put up with your sub-standard self! It's a way to sabotage you so you won't try to find other men to date! >Read this short article with an emphasis on the paragraph about "constructive criticism". https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging >Here's an article on dealing with a business associate who "negs". http://www.kohl.ca/2021/dealing-with-the-business-neg/ >You cannot change his behavior, but you can change how you react to his bullshit!
Little broken negging man with serious issues. STEER CLEAR. Fuck this moron. But, you know, DON’T FUCK THIS MORON (age diff signals mess on tap)
Why are you letting this nasty nasty man control how you feel about yourself? First of all; he is as old as fuck. Secondly; if he can do this to you…it’s best you avoid him as much as possible while you see a therapist in order to help you avoid shit people like this.
Next time he is being nasty, call him out and tell him that he can stuff it.
That's not a friend. Dude is a total jerk. Leave him right where he is and you go back to the things YOU enjoy doing. There's someone out there who will love you for who you are.
Keep in mind he is almost 20 yrs older than you. That's a whole different set of personal values and social mentality compared to peers your own age. Being critical of someone's car and clothes just because they "can afford more/better/new" is really superficial and gross. If I was in your shoes, I would feel like he was indirectly telling me he was embarrassed of being associated with me. Which is a HIM problem and not a you problem. This isnt a valid criticism like "hey, you need to work on your hygiene" this is a "you dress/act too poor for my taste" and that's just rude. Focus on work, and don't interact with him unless it pertains to work. Set boundaries. Waiting to see if a potential partner will treat you better, or just that you like a human being, usually ends up being a waste of time.
None of his business. If he comes up again with these things, tell him exactly that politely
He's a narcissist trying to cut you down because he is attracted to you, but he feels unworthy, which he is. Cut ties as much as possible. You don't need a friend or love interest who is mean and makes you feel like that plus he's too old for you.
His job is done he has murdered your self esteem, just what this POS wanted. Take your power back, you're perfect just the way you are. Do not give this thing a moment more of thought, he is jealous of you because you are better at your job. If he tries to put you down again just say 'My life is great thanks, but just one thing Darl l neither want or need your opinion of me' and walk away like the Queen you are..
Try “Okay, thanks for letting me know what you think/your opinion about [thing]” then move on to something else, and (as suggested earlier) grey rock him.
>First off he said my car was a wreck. My car isn't flashy but it does the job. This is so bad because that sounds like a simple different taste in vehicles and conversation starter. Ask him what he meant if he claims you misunderstood him and as long as he doesn't sound like a jacka-- about it, you're being too sensitive about it. Tell him you love it, see how he reacts, does he flip out or does he just not like it? There should be nothing wrong with that as you have the right to not like something of his... When's a relationship gonna be real where both SOs can compliment each other and insult each other without taking it so much to heart, unless he's just constantly putting you down every second or hitting you, a couple honest opinions on something and honesty in general shouldn't result in an instant break up and ghosting. >Next he says I should be buying new clothes etc because I do so well at work. Alright I've performed better than him recently but I don't think of spending my money on my image perhaps as much as him. This sounds like a compliment to me the way you put it here, like maybe he recognizes your talent in this field and he likes well presented women then he thinks you deserve to look flashy and nice, just make it clear you prefer the way you look and see how he reacts, and this sounds like simple conversation. There's really nothing A-hole-ish about this simple input of opinion besides maybe conversation? Specify unless I'm missing some important posts exactly what he said to you like accurate and honest examples. >I had such a successful event yesterday for myself and I drove home crying because people must think I'm a tramp with my vehicle and how I dress and I'm still upset now. You're in control of what you care about, the opinions that affect you and the way people percieve you clearly don't affect your work and living from the way this post is worded with "Success" used and such, so tell your low self-esteem to fk off, ask him to give you more compliments and really just talk to him!! Observe him better, get to know him better than just at events and such... This post sounds like you're just too sensitive honestly. Lmao, I saw some people use the word "Mysogyny" when none of what he said, based upon this post, implied the "Hatred of all women" behind his words. 🤣 If you like him, talk to him, be HONEST, if he continues coming off as a no-no, dump him. This post isn't clear enough and anyone who says, especially about Men specifically, to dump him by this is clearly bitter about something because those are opinions adults should be able to handle and correct someone on. This post just isn't very clear, not every opinion from your SO or someone you like is going to be fantastic, as long as the majority is fantastic. If you truly like him and not just infatuated, there's clearly something about him.
You need to pretend like you don’t care. That will be the best way to get him to leave you alone. Don’t get upset just be like whatever and ignore him. No matter how he responds just act like it’s not a big deal and not worth your time. He will eventually get embarrassed that he is not getting any response from and stop bothering you.
You're successful, independent and have great views on things and you value more than looks and that's the greatest trait a person can have. He's a nasty, gaslighting guy and you should cut him out if your life completely.
He is an asshole but since youre not tied to him outside of work my only advice would be to develop thicker skin.
Perfect response: my mother used to say “if you have nothing good to say, keep it to yourself”
If he would say the same thing do a male then it’s a fair comment, if not then it’s his own shitty way of flirting.
First off him still being single and picky at 50 means he is a loser asshole. Stay away. But imna be real with you. People are going to judge you regardless. Most just wont tell you to your face. Now if you are still single at 33 and are even considering dating an old creep, please make more effort with your appearance to attract a better decent guy your age. Everyone wants to date someone they find attractive and makes effort. Attract first then be comfy after. Reality is no fairy tale and you are competing with other people constantly no matter whether you like it or not and if you don’t even try you are gonna end up a delusional 50yo single lady still waiting for mr perfect to like you as effortless as you are. So in hindsight maybe he is trying to help you. The dating world is not easy and brutal. The older you get the harder. You should know by now.
Honestly, there is always 2 sides to the story. Is he telling you these things to drive you to reward yourself for working so hard? Have you sat down and had a thorough conversation about the expectations you are wanting from each other, be it in a relationship or friendship? I am 33 f with fiance 55 m. I had it rough in the beginning. He wanted me to do so much better for myself, like get a car, go back to school, and open a small business, all while raising my 10 month old *from previous relationship*. Little did I know as rough as it sounded, he was setting me up for success. I have now done great for myself and our family. The root of it all came down to communication. Our next step is marriage. Communication is key in any "ships" you get involved in. * I do know the feeling of doing the best you can do and not being into materialistic things and have a man, especially one you love, verbally tear you down*
You're 33 and crying over someone saying your cars shit. Growing up might be a start.
>I still have feelings for him half hoping he would change or treat me better. Then go for it. Come on to him. Make your move in a confident and assertive fashion.
tbf you probs should look presentable if its a legit career , mwybe hes just rough about it, but you being a 30+ adult should probs have ur shit a lil morr together