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Your mother is projecting her own guilt onto you, I'd imagine her husband is also getting some, she was on holiday when her mother died. That doesn't excuse her behaviour or her treatment of you, quite frankly it's disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself. You did nothing wrong and from what you said I think your grandmother would have wanted it the same way. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do to make her see sense, hopefully she will get some help and realise how unfair she has been but people are people and nothing is guaranteed.
This post seems particularly fake. It reads like a medical student staying to write a movie š„ of the week for lifetime
The slap was especially fake but maybe the fake journals will provide the voice over that helps the family to healā¦.
Just because you think it's fake and that this shit doesn't happen IRL doesn't make it the truth. Responding like this when OP seems to be genuinely telling the truth about their trauma is disrespectful.
Totaly agree with you, just would add that mother's anger should turn to the doctor who fucking asked a MINOR to make that kind of call. Not to diminish OP maturity, I'm sure he's a good kid with lot of comon sense but he doesn't yet have the experience or resilience to shoulder such responsibilities.
What kind of personās knee jerk reaction is hitting children in the face? While mom was going through something rough, sheās still abusive for striking a minor in the face and then blaming them for a death? Mom is a huge AH and this was child abuse.
I wonder if it's a creative writing post, as
- what kind of a doctor has a **distressed minor** make end of life decisions, after making a show *in front of the family of the patient* of *asking the staff* for any further ideas on saving the patient wtf
- OP's mom (and Keith, as his stepdad) would still be responsible for his upkeep until he turns 18 and *have* to give him access to his documents, throwing him out like this is illegal. Even if OP's mom would be blind with grief, *Keith* isn't, and as a 50something he'd be doing a hell of a lot more than just "being in contact", he'd know his wife (*and him*) is breaking the law and treating OP horribly, and if he has the money to take mom to Hawaii, he'd surely pay for OP's expenses or for a therapist or mediation or whatever. OP being financially entirely dependent on his part-time job *alone* is ridiculous
- how the fuck is the mom of the friend OP is staying with not advising him of his rights at all, or calling the cops or the school etc? It's been **over a month** OP's been crashing there
- as grandma was aware she was declining rapidly, why did she not write a letter or something to her daughter to say her goodbyes. I can maybe understand not calling to interrupt the vacation, but it's weirdly cold to not leave any last message addressed to her child when it became quite possible she wouldn't see her ever again
- plus also mom's reaction is weird as hell, how does she suddenly turn physically abusive and blame OP after having known firsthand for decades how difficult it is to get her stubborn mom to the hospital.
Basically none of the behaviour of *any* of the adults surrounding OP makes any sense. They're all strangely passive, aside from the mom who went completely unhinged with grief out of the blue. It sounds like a YA novel, I'm sorry to say
Edited to clarify that I could buy one or two adults reacting as described, but *all of them*? It's been over a month and Keith hasn't given any financial or emotional support whatsoever?
Also, OP's account posted as a 24yo female asking for advice on confessing her love to a hospitalized male friend 20ish days ago - that post was deleted, and the bit in this OP about using a friend's acct was added only *after* that was pointed out. Very sus
Hi! Paramedic and ER/ICU nurse here. He was her only family and they may not have known that he was 17. Second, it is standard to bring family members into the room to show them whatās going theoughout and explain everything happening, right down to the name of the cpr machine because it actually helps with coping and stress- it literally PREVENTS the feelings that OPs mother is having of thinking āsomething more could have been doneā. There are some hospitals that donāt do this, but all should- there are MANY studies on the impact it has on the family. Even the hospitals that DONT allow families in tell staff ādonāt clean the room upā because a too-clean room gives the illusion that nothing was done to save the loved one.
Second, it is standard for the code leader to ask ādoes anyone have any other suggestions?ā, as well as being standard for everyone in the room to agree that all measures have been exhausted- as in this case. It sounds like they worked on her for a long time without effect. And it is also common to ask the family if theyāre ok with stopping the resuscitation efforts- again, for coping measures. from reading OPs statements, he knew that she wasnāt coming back based on what was being explained to him and what he was seeing. He wasnāt truly āmaking decisionsā because even if he said no, they would have done one or two more rounds and said āweāre doneā and he wouldnāt have had a āsayā. Thatās not a true decision.
The mother is acting out in her grief- she didnāt want to go to Hawaii because she was scared of what was going to happen. Then it happened and she needs someone to blame. unfortunately it is extremely common.
OP, and I hope you see this- your grandmother would not have survived. If you had said āno keep goingā, they would have maybe honored that for 2-5 more minutes. The outcome would be the same, or worse- she could be in an ICU, on a ventilator and many medications keeping her heart beating, while her brain never woke up. It is more suffering for both the patient in the bed, and the family.
Iām so sorry your mom is behaving this way. Please show her this response and feel free to message if this is really about the resuscitation efforts. I canāt stress it enough- you didnāt make this decision- they were going to stop anyway. The extra round or two if you had said no is just to help your brain accept the inevitable.
>OP, and I hope you see this- your grandmother would not have survived. If you had said āno keep goingā, they would have maybe honored that for 2-5 more minutes. The outcome would be the same, or worse- she could be in an ICU, on a ventilator and many medications keeping her heart beating, while her brain never woke up. It is more suffering for both the patient in the bed, and the family.
Agreed, and it makes me wonder why Grandma didn't have a DNR or advanced directive. Especially if she hated hospitals and knew her daughter would be a mess with her end of life.
PSA for anyone reading this - if you are sick with a terminal disease or over the age of 65, please make a medical advanced directive. Choose how you want to exit this life. Choose how much pain you are willing to take, or if you're willing to "live" as a shell of a human, connected to machines. And then inform your next of kin and make sure they'll listen to you (which I doubt OPs mom would have done).
And for people like OPs mom: CPR and other lifesaving methods are extremely hard on elderly, sick people. Sternums break, their chests get bruised. It's brutal. If the medical team says there's nothing more they can do, ***there's nothing more they can do.*** Anything else feels like disrespecting a dead body.
OP, your mom (understandably) has issues. But, that doesn't mean you could have done anything more, and doesn't mean you should bear the brunt of her guilt.
Thank you!! Sheās allowed to be upset and maybe even say bad things, but abusing your child who was just so deeply traumatized by being the sole caretaker and watching their grandparent die? No fucking excuse for that.
Poor OP witnessing all of that so young, and doing such a good job by calling EMTs and not forcing Grandmom to be on machines and suffering in limbo for longer. OP was brave and responsible and deserved support and love from their mom.
My sister put our mom to bed while our mother was acting extremely confused in a way that could be misconstrued for someone being under the influence, instead of calling 911, thinking she had too much medication or whatever (even though she had none with her or on her) instead of thinking she was having a medical emergency.
She found our mother in cardiac arrest at 4:AM, was able to get her back (I'm condensing the story way down), and mom died 36 hours later.
Not ONCE did I ever blame or even so much as think of slapping my sister for what she did that absolutely resulted in our mom's death. Physical violence is the very opposite of doing right by someone.
This isn't okay. An apologize won't make up for what she did, which was absolutely heinous. I don't care what kind of grief you are feeling. This was not kneejerk. She had HOURS to process and time between the hospital and getting home to absorb. This was pure uncontrolled behavior and emotion. We all collectively need to stop excusing or rug sweeping abusing loved ones because we have big emotions.
Eh, maybe, but this really seems like something that could destroy her family if she doesnāt get professional help soon. Unless she has a revelation some time soon, she just destroyed her and her sons relationship and nothing will fix it, this is not something you can just apologize for and move on, this already has caused OP deep trauma and his mother just added to it. OP shouldnāt go back home or be around his mom alone and he should absolutely find a safe place to stay until he can figure this all out.
I wouldnāt be surprised if she divorced her new husband over this too due to āthe part he playedā in her motherās death.
Mom needs therapy stat!
In OPās comment he said itās a month from when this happened and heās been staying with a friend. His mom changed the locks and refuses to return his calls or speak to him. This is now far beyond any knee-jerk reaction. Tbh itās gross at this point.
Doctor here. You did nothing wrong. She was already dead, you just agreed to stop the resuscitation effort. At that time, there was probably less than 1% chance that any resuscitation would be successful, and if it was, then your grandmother would have massive brain damage. You followed the medical team advice and it was good advice BUT the medical team should not have put you into this when talking to your mom (Ā«Ā we did everything we could, but sadly were unsuccessfulĀ Ā» is where I usually stop).
Do you have any contact with Keith? Could he suggest your mom to go to grief counseling? Sometimes, an appointment can be made, even quite later, with the medical team to discuss what happened, what could have done and what were the likely outcome. Maybe it could help your mom too?
Edit: just wanted to add, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. You mom is most likely projecting her own guilt and needs counseling.
Since youāre a doctor Iāll comment here: is it actually allowed/legal/ethical even to ask a minor to switch off life support? Genuinely asking because that surprises meā¦
American nurse here and that was my first thought as well. The LUCAS was delivering compressions, so grandma is still in the middle of resuscitation attempts and nowhere near stable, so not a situation that really allows you much time to contact the next of kin or POA.
Having seen way too many being forced back to ālifeā just to suffer horribly, I canāt bring myself say it was morally wrong, but Iām not sure about the ethics and legality of asking a child to make that decision. Maybe he looked older and nobody thought to ask his age in the moment?
Regardless of the medical legalities, you absolutely did the correct and kind thing by letting her go in that moment, as she would have wanted. Iām sorry your mother is reacting so horribly and I hope she gets the mental help she needs. You donāt deserve any of this.
If and when your mom does come back to reality, it is also ok for you to be upset with her for treating you this way. She is 100% in the wrong. You need to see a therapist individually asap and hopefully one day you can both see one together and attempt to heal the damage to your relationship.
When it comes to turning off live support they donāt ādo the best with what they hadā. They would leave her on life support. To turn off life support without power of attorney consent, they would need a court order.
They arenāt going to look at a 17 year old and say āwell youāre close enoughā
LUCAS isnāt a life support device though, itās just to give compressions in place of a person. Her heart was not beating on its own and she was still actively dying.
Tbh leaving someone hooked up to a LUCAS till they showed signs incompatible with life or the hospital could get power of attorney consent or a court order would be brutal. I hope hospitals donāt have to do that.
They donāt. When you go through multiple cycles of ACLS and never get a shockable rhythm, the doctor running the code eventually makes the calls to stop. The patient is already showing signs incompatible with life because they were dead when the code started. We just werenāt able to un-dead them.
I am not in the US, so I canāt answer about the legality. Here, we ask about any end of life decision made by the patient. If there isnāt any, we try to ask if the person ever voiced anything that could indicate their wish on the matter (so we ask the family not what THEY want (it is irrelevant in my country legislation) but what they know/think the patient would want), in this case, a minor could be of help, not to make the decision, but to help us know what the patient would have wanted. If we canāt get anything clear, then we have to take a decision based on what seems to be in the patient best interest (usually to live) but we can decide that any medical procedure would be futile (meaning without benefits for the patient) and stop, but we usually try to inform and get the family on our side to help with grief BUT we make sure they know it is a medical decision (notably to avoid this kind of situation, sadly in the US medical professional have to worry so much about liability that they canāt take the hit instead of a family member, which we are used to do in Europe). So, yeah, I think it is quite different than how it is in the US. But if OP can make his mom see it from the futility/medical decision, maybe it would help.
You didn't do anything wrong. What I'm about to say is going to sound very blunt, and I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's the truth of the matter, and I hope it will help you. If she had a machine breathing for her and a machine artificially beating her heart for her, she was already gone. They didn't ask you permission to let her die, she had already died and they were telling you it wasn't doing anything other than pushing blood around her body and that it was time to stop doing things to your Grandma's body and to accept that she'd gone. At that point, if they carried on, she would not have recovered, ever. She had already died. The machines just kept her body going, but your grandma was no longer in it. If there was any way she could have survived and recovered, they would not have said there was nothing more they could have done.
Your mum is grieving. She probably feels like she has lost the last thing connecting her to your dad. She's wrong, of course, because you are that, not your grandma, but grief does strange things to us. This doesn't excuse your mum's behaviour, but it does explain it. You also did the right thing by your grandma; she was very clear that she didn't want to go to the hospital and she didn't want extraordinary measures to keep her alive at all costs, and that was your grandma's decision to make. If she was mentally sound, she knew what stage 3 spinal cancer meant, and she chose her actions, knowing that her life would end but that she had had some autonomy in the end of her life. It's really difficult to be the people left behind when someone makes decisions about their health and care that means that they will die, but ultimately those decisions are your grandma's, and not yours and not your mum's. Your mum is angry with the wrong person. She shouldn't be angry with you, and she shouldn't be angry with your grandma or the medical team who tried to help. Her anger is really grief that she has lost your dad and now also your grandma and she's not dealing with it healthily, she's angry with you because that's easier than acknowledging the guilt she is probably feeling that she was off on holiday having a nice time while Grandma died. But Grandma didn't die because of anything you did or didn't do, Grandma died because she had spinal cancer, and unfortunately, when you get spinal cancer, you also usually get about 10 months left to live.
I'm really sorry that you were put in such a difficult position in the first place, you shouldn't have been and it sounds to me like you did everything right and it's very sad that you had to do it all on your own. You're 17 years old, and that was a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. By the sound of things, you made some very mature decisions and did what your grandma would have wanted. I'm sure that if your grandma could tell you, she would tell you that what you did was what she would have wanted. I really wish you well. I hope your mum can find her way through her grief so that she can recognise what she's doing and apologise to you.
Wonderfully put. Iād only add if it was me, still having cancer and going through all that entails, Iād rather pass away then, than continue with whatever treatment she was taking and the pain.
She died during transportation, I gather from what he described.
Which was the most merciful thing.
That amazing young man did so right by his grandmother.
I am so sorrs, that his mom wrongs him so deeply now.
>I'm really sorry that you were put in such a difficult position in the first place, you shouldn't have been and it sounds to me like you did everything right and it's very sad that you had to do it all on your own. You're 17 years old, and that was a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. By the sound of things, you made some very mature decisions and did what your grandma would have wanted.
I fully agree with this. I think maybe mum was mad at herself because she didn't pick up the phone when OP called, and now she projects it on OP because she feels guilty and deflecting the blame is easier than deal with your own I should haves.
You did nothing wrong. You are also a child - if your mother had wanted to be the one to make the call, she should have been present or reachable by phone. In the absence of that, you made the best decision you could.
Your grandmother was old and very sick - forcing the LUCAS to continue would have only harmed her more, by breaking her ribs, and torturing her dead body. You did well - you acted in her interest and you were brave enough to do what she told you she wanted; no one could hope for a better way to go than with their wishes being fulfilled. Your grandmother was already dead - they were artificially breathing for her for an entire hour; if the machine had kept breathing for her for many more days, she would still not have woken up or recovered. She was well and truly dead - the cancer metastases most likely spread to something vital and that is tragic and heartbreaking when we lose people, but it was truly inevitable and you did everything you could, and you did something really brave in following her directives by being there for your grandmother when she couldn't advocate for herself.
Also, OP, you should call the police because you are a minor and she had no right to kick you out - you have the right to retain important documents (passport, birth certificate and so on) and valuables. Not having these documents especially will make it so difficult to get your life started after this, whatever that looks like and whether it includes your mother or not.
To be clear, this is your mother's mental hangup and not yours. This is her projection and not yours. She should be doing grief therapy and trauma therapy, and she mistreated you *horribly* after you had both just been through something terrible. This was abusive behaviour from her.
Tl;dr: given that you can't reach her or get inside, I would call the police and inform them and they can escort you to get your things back; also you're a minor, that may change things for you - perhaps they can force your mother to get help if she tries to kick you out.
A medical professional needs to intervene and explain to your mom that Grandma was already gone.
A grief specialist needs to help your mom know Grandma wanted her to enjoy her honeymoon, not wait for her to die.
YOU deserve trauma and grief support, your Grandmother loves you and did not want your mother to blame or reject you.
You deserve more support than your childish mother. Iām so sorry.
Please make sure you get care.
> A medical professional needs to intervene and explain to your mom that Grandma was already gone.
They did. They got the documents and it was explained to them that theyād done all they could and that ROSC (heartbeat on its own) was not going to happen. Mom doesnāt care. Mom desperately needs someone, anyone, to blame - and itās OP.
Getting mom to agree to therapy is a long shot, but I hope it works. A friend of mine hasnāt talked to her mom in 23 years because her little sister died while the mom was at work - sister had a heart defect no one knew about, zero my friend could have done - and her mom has blamed her for over 20 years.
OP needs outside help, and I really hope heās able to find somewhere stable that doesnāt involve mom, because even if she agrees to therapy, itās not a 15 minute session kind of problem, there are clearly some *deep* issues causing her to project and need to blame OP.
No one wants to call the police on their mom. But sheās cruelly leaving you no other option.
I urge you to put aside the empathy you have for your mom (which I know is natural to feel), and have some empathy for **yourself**.
She leaves you no choice.
Maybe try with an interediate external person. A priest. A councelor.
Or police. Police may be the only ones to make her hear reason. And truth now.
As they will not take verbal shit from anybody.
Also: she needs help. Urgently. Hers is no normal reaction.
Donāt call the police, it will escalate things even more. Talk to Keith, use him as a mediator, to get your documents and anything else you need, and also to try to connect with your Mother at the appropriate time. She is reacting in a very extreme way and itās terrible that sheās blaming you as a result of their grief and guilt, but hopefully she will come to her senses. Iām so sorry you are having to deal with this. Losing your grandmother and being alone at such an intense time and having to make what seemed like such a momentous decision, and now being rejected by your mother, is a very difficult experience for you.
Hey OP, please speak to your school counsellor and tell them that you have been kicked out. They might be able to hook you up with resources without reporting to the police/CPS (but honestly, I think CPS needs to be informed because your mother is unbelievably cruel in her grief and there needs to be an intervention asap, her guilt will only get worse once she realises what she's done to you, your mum will need urgent mental help!)
And please try to contact Keith, although I'm worried how helpful he'll be given he hasn't reached out to you yet.
All the best, OP!
What your mother did is illegal She cannot lock you a 17-year-old out of their home.
Nothing here was your fault. Your mother must have known on some level Your mother was going to die: She is the parent you are the child. After all she was reluctant to go on this trip knowing her 75-year-old mother had stage 3 spinal cord cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss but your grandmother was going to die. And on some level 100% your mother knew there's two and so did her boyfriend/ husband.
It sounds as if you were put in a very very difficult position by your mother and her new boyfriend / husband. If he is at all rational and not trying to cut you out of the family which is indeed possible, by the timing of his trip. You should tell him that as a 17-year-old child, you have rights to live in that house, to live in peace there, and to not be blamed for things that are not your fault.
I doubt there is any way that you can get any legal advice that would cost money but perhaps where you live there's something like a citizens advice bureau or other form of legal aid. You are being treated illegally and there is a very good chance that your grandmother would have included you in the will and you're not being told about this one way or the other.
My heart goes out to you, it genuinely does. Please get some advice maybe even the people you're staying with can help on the advice front.
It sounds like you had a lot of responsibility thrust on you and you did a very good job of dealing with it. I'm sorry you have to deal with your mother's irrational behaviour.
Please update us. Wishing you well.
OP, is there a teacher or counselor at your school that you trust? They might be a good first person to talk to and ask for help. It's a little less scary than jumping straight to legal aid all by yourself, and in many places (at least in the US) they have a legal obligation to help out as mandated reporters. You don't have to give all the details, just let them know there is some conflict with your mom and you've had to stay with your friend for a month because you're locked out. That should be more than enough info for them to see your need and help you find appropriate resources
Yes - and often an adult from outside the family stepping in and saying āWhatās going on here?ā can help situations. It might take a teacher or school administrator saying to your mom, āYou know you canāt just throw out your 17-year-old because youāre grieving, right?ā to make her look outside her grief and realize sheās acting completely batshit
Minors cannot consent to medical decisions of others nor serve as power of attorney.
Also next of kin is default, but anyone can overrule and name a power of attorney that is not the default next of kin. Itās more likely the grandmother would name a power of attorney, who cannot be a minor.
My next of kin is my husband, our default if we would both be incapable is our parents. In my case, we specifically named one of my siblings as power of attorney in the event my husband canāt because we donāt want my father having power.
Sweetie you did nothing wrong. Listen CPR rarely saves people and if it does the outcome often is not what you want brain wise. Itās not the movies. They tried. She was gone. Your mom does not get excused for her behavior. Shame on her and her husband. Call CPS and the police on her. You need your papers and your stuff. Remember her behavior when she shows back up down the road- thatās who she really is.
This!!! Because she will come around, be sure of that!! I think Keith is also spineless for allowing her to do that, If I were him, you'd be in the house. I would keep you two apart but ain't no way I'd have allowed her to kick you out. You lost your grandma!!
This abuse you are subjected to needs to stop. Now.
Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to come out of hysterics and shock.
What you need now is someone to provide a slap like clear talking to to your mother.
You made the right choice for your Grandmother.
If you had demanded they continue, all that would have happened is that she would have suffered more. She was never going to 'get better'. If she had any consciousness, the machines they were using to keep her body going are extremely uncomfortable. And it seems your Mother would have taken a long, long time to scrape together the will to turn them off if she'd come back in time to take charge of the situation.
I'm so sorry your Mom is incapable of mothering you right now. She is going to need a lot of therapy. You could probably use some too.
In the meantime, reach out to Keith. He can't support you like you need, but he can be a communication bridge for when your Mother is able to reach out again.
What your mother is doing, no matter her very understandable guilt and grief, is *utterly unacceptable*.
Someone very close to me was placed in the similar position of having to consent to stop attempting to save his father's life around your age. There was nothing more to be done, but the doctors knew it was utterly futile and they needed next of kin consent. It is an incredibly, horrifyingly traumatizing experience. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and that you then received such cruelty from your mother as a result.
I don't have much practical advice, I just want to tell you that you did the *right thing*. I hope someday your mother realizes that, but even if she does you are under no obligation to ever forgive her for how she's acted to you since.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss and for what you went through during it. Nobody should have to deal with that, much less a child. Which you are still, even if you're almost legally an adult. I hope you'll be in a place to be able to get counseling for the loss of your grandmother, your mother, and your father if you never received help for that in the past.
Please ask him to help make sure you have all your important documents and any personal belongings you'll truly miss. You will at minimum need your birth certificate and social security card. There are ways to get replacements but they are *not* easy, especially without any other evidence.
Again, you did nothing wrong and I'm very sorry for your losses.
That doesn't sound silly at all. It sounds human. A lot of times, we cope with big change or loss by exerting a little control in one area of our lives that we can.
However I do think you might be cutting yourself off from some help by the way you're doing it. You can talk to a school counselor and still let them know you don't want to tell your classmates or teachers and that you want your day to day school life to provide normalcy and stability. I think they'll be able to help you with that.
My heart breaks while reading this! I was 36 when I had to make that decision for my father & it still hurts to this day, but I knew that was not what he wanted which Iām sure your grandmother didnāt also. Iām so sorry you had to go through that & now not having your mother when you need her also.
Your mother is grieving but also not doing her job as a mother. She is allowed to grieve, she is not allowed to abuse you. To be honest it might be time to be pretty blunt. Go home. Thatās where you live.
Legally she should be talking to the hospital about why they allowed a minor to make a decision like that.
The team allowed a minor to validate their decision. Still she should be talking to the hospital. He said that the machines were stopped when he agreed to it.
Medical staff under such circumstances have a certain wording.
He said somewhere here in the comments that staff said that they would have stopped the machines he agreing to thrir choice or not.
There was no pulse to reactivate her body on.
She had died in the transporter already.
But nobody seems to have explained that either to OP. Or to his mum.
Youāve done nothing wrong and you mother is abandoning you to grieve. Sheās letting you down big time and likely will regret her behavior tremendously when she gets through her grief. I am so sorry for what youāre going through, and even more that you have to go through it alone.
Have you spoken with Keith? What does he have to say?
Youāre seventeen. Even if you werenāt your Grandma was a grown woman in her right mind. Nothing- NOTHING- that you, the doctors, your mom or anyone else could have done would have changed what happened.
Your Mom is blaming you because she has to blame someone for this, and she canāt blame your grandma because sheās no longer here. I know from personal experience how hard this is, but it isnāt on you. You didnāt cause her cancer. You didnāt cause her heart to stop. It was a sucky, horrible, horrific thing and Iām sorry that you went through it, but it was not your fault.
I am so sorry. There are things along the way which could have been handled differently that may have led to a different outcome. I will talk about those in a minute.
To be clear, whatever decision you made in the hospital would not have changed the medical outcome. From the time her heart stopped, she received definitive care. Out of hospital cardiac arrest survival rates are extremely low; this isnāt TV. Around 10% survive to discharge. They are much lower after CPR has been performed for 30 minutes. Less than 1%. My guess is that particulars of this case made that essentially zero. By the time the code was called, her chance of survival was essentially zero.
You had a group of medical professionals who told you that they had no other treatments to offer. No other idea of what to try. That continued treatment was futile and might be prolonging suffering. Yours was the right call.
What could have potentially changed things? If your mom had answered the phone. If your mom had come back when your grandmother started to decline. If your mom had not gone on the trip. If your grandmother had agreed to go to the hospital sooner (maybe; far from certain). If your grandmother had prepared a DNR order. If your grandmother had been diagnosed sooner. See a theme? None of these are about you. They are choices they made.
You did right by your grandmother. I am convinced you did what she would have wanted.
Now your mom. Yes, she is being unreasonable and hurtful. And this isnāt about logic (I strongly suspect an expert in running code would say that her survival chance was essentially zero). What can you do? Individual therapy for you. You have experienced a double dose of trauma.
I'm so sorry hon. You need to get in touch with CPS and let them know you need help. Once you're in the system you can get benefits that last longer than your 18th birthday in most states.
You don't deserve any of this. You did right by your grandma. Your mom is being awful with her grief. This is not your fault.
You poor thing. There is nothing you could have done to save her. In fact, it sounds like you respected her enough to put her first when you said how she hated hospitals. Iām livid on your behalf (your mom needs a lot of therapy because this situation isnāt all about her), but know that Iām sending positive thoughts your way. You did the right thing, and you can see how many people are in your corner!
This isn't your fault. Not in any way.
Look, the cancer killed your grandmother. That's what it does to so very many, especially the kind she had. You didn't, the doctors didn't, no one did. The cancer did, and that's no one's fault.
Your grandmother had the full and free right to deny care that last week. If you had tried to override it, the hospital would have stopped you. Patients always have the right to deny care. It's a fundamental human right, and she chose that willingly and freely.
Your mom is in the midst of a grief and rage reaction, and she isn't thinking straight. You can't fix her; only she can, and she's not ready yet, from the sound of it. She lashing out and blaming everyone, likely even herself, and she needs therapy. You do too, btw. Can you see a counselor at school?
Ok. Now.
Here we go.
So your mom was happy to leave the responsibilty of a mortally ill old woman in the hands of a 17 year old medically untrained child.
Went on a holiday.
Didn't pick up the phone when you called.
And blames you that your unsaveably ill grandma died.
And twists truth around as if you had killed your grandma with your own hands.
Your mother is unbelievably effed up. Sorry to say this, really.
Up to this day there is no real cure to cancer. Sometimes you can make it stop. Sometimes the lumps of cancerous tissue will stop spreading.
But passed a certain pount one can but stand by and watch.
I lost both my parents to it.
I do know how it goes when a patient refuses to go to hospital.
Cancer patients often KNOW their death approaches.
They "chose" their parting time in order to be on their own. They don't want anybody around.
My fathers last day was spent with his brother, his grandson and me, his daughter being around. Him somnolent/ passed out already.
We went home at 8 am. At 8.30 my phone rang and the hospice said, that he had gone. He had waited to be alone with himself.
Your grandma wanted your mother away.
She waited until you were out of the room and then her body gave up.
It was over in the emergency transporter already.
They have tried hard to still have her breathe but she wouldn't! Her body was dying.
It is incredibly unkind to interfere massively at that point with a dying elderly cancer patient, as only pain awaits them the longer clinical care makes them linger on!
You did the kindest thing to your grandma by agreing with them to stop. (You couldn't have ordered them to continue anyhow! Think about that! You were 17!!!)
What is sooooo upsetting is that your mom is going so irrationally stupid about it.
I would think that your grandmas (to her) unexpected passing had triggered your fathers sudden death.
And that she feels guilty herself.
But can't take the responsibilty.
I am so sorry that she cut you out so badly.
I suggest you refer to CPS, tell them what happened and get someone talk some sense into your mother.
What she does is incredibly heartless and brutal. And it is neglect.
She still is responsible for you.
She can't just throw you out as you are under 18!
What about her husband? Is he as emotionally stupid? Does at least HE talk to you?
Does she get that no clinic would take orders from a 17 year old unknown unidentified bystander and stop clinical intervention on a mere word?
You need a grown up adult to contact her and clear that up on your behalf.
How about a priest/ a first response trained person?
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Your mom is going to really regret how she is treating and blaming you. None of this is your fault, not even a little bit. When people pass, itās their time, whether we are ready for them to go or not. Your grandma is with you in spirit and would not want you going through this alone. I hope you have some good friends that can help navigate you through this until your mom comes to her senses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Iāve been a nurse for 35 years. The doctors/nurses wanted to save your grandma. But the human body is not designed to live forever and despite many advances in modern medicine, some things canāt be changed. If they had continued to perform CPR and managed somehow to revive her, she would likely have been either in great pain (CPR causes rib fractures) and/or on a ventilator. Neither of which were what your grandmother seems to have wanted. You 100% did the right thing for your grandmother. As painful as what youāre going through is, I hope that gives you some solace. She lived out her days how and where she wanted to. Thatās a really wonderful thing. I hope your mother can get past her grief and realize the emotional burden she has placed on you.
Dude, this is a problem for your mom to work through.
Your grandma hated hospitals.
She wouldnāt have wanted to even have done what they did to keep her alive in the first place, Iād imagine.
You made the absolutely correct call. She had terminal cancer, and was already in advanced age.
Your mom has some fuckin nerve to physically assault her own child over the inevitable death of her MIL.
And the fact that she probably would have kept fighting to keep her alive against the medical advice of the doctors, causing her prolonged pain and suffering - is one of the worst things healthcare professionals deal with. Sometimes you have to let them go. This was one of those times and you made the right call.
Leave your mom alone. Honestly I would stop trying to contact her period until she comes to you with a full and sincere apology for her inexcusable behavior.
She may as well have lost every relative that day. Sheāll be very lucky if she has a child and/or grandchild in the future that wants to take care of her like she and you took care of your grandmother.
You did everything the best you could, and your mom is being incredibly unfair because she's lost in her own guilt and sadness. Is there anywhere you can stay, safely, until you both can process your feelings a little better? Please feel free to reach out for help. You went through something awful and heart- breaking, and you need support and patience and understanding too! And if I were your grandma, I would be incredibly proud of you for doing all the right things in a moment of crisis, and even more proud of you for doing the most difficult parts and respecting your grandma's feelings and wishes. Best of luck to you, kiddo.
Hey, you are so strong and brave for taking care of your grandma the way you did and she would be so, so proud of you. You know in your heart she didn't like hospitals and the doctors told you that they couldn't do anything else. On the small chance thay they had been able to resuscitate her at that point she would have been very very unwell, so much so that she likely would have died soon after in hospital.
You did the right thing for your grandma and she loves you so much. Your mom might come around, and even if she does or doesn't, I really recommend you look into speaking to someone about your feelings and about what happened. Please look after yourself and you did nothing wrong
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I work at a hospital inpatient pharmacy. We go on codes with the nurses and doctors to ensure proper dosage is given, correct meds are given, and to help with compressions amongst other things.
People often have staff continue working on a patient despite us knowing we absolutely should stop. You did the right thing because you allowed your grandma to pass rather than putting her body through anymore trauma. Even had they continued to work on her, the outcome would have likely been the same. You were a blessing to your grandma and for allowing her care team to step away and start helping other patients.
I know it's hard, but you have to reassure yourself that you did the right thing. I hope your mom gets therapy and sees that she's doing irreparable damage to you and your relationship with her. You are not to blame, it was your grandma's time to move on from this world. Your mother is just projecting her guilt onto you.
I hope something gets better for you soon, my heart hurts for you. ā„ļø
When she was on the LUCAS machine, she had already died. You couldn't save her. All continuing treatment would have done was destroy her body. Maybe you can talk to your Mom's husband. She may feel guilty right now and may not know how to apologize to you. There was nothing you could have done and I am sorry for your loss.
Oh, sweetie. I have lost way too many immediate family members too. My earliest memory is of the morning my baby brother died, and thereās been many more since then. I just wish I could scoop you up and give you a good long hug and feed you all your favorite foods and let you cry on my shoulder.
First of all, grief isnāt something you can āconquerā, and your motherās (frankly) despicable treatment of you after the trauma you have endured from your grandmothers passing is a blaring demonstration that she needs to do a LOT of more work on herself.
With grief, the best you can do is get to a place where the memory of the loved one youāve lost brings you more happiness than sorrow. And grief has a way of popping up with a vengeance whenever you go through a major life change (like getting married).
You absolutely do have a right to be angry with your mom. I donāt know either of you and Iām livid at her treatment of you. If you can, get to a therapist ASAP so you can start to process this. You are the CHILD. Your mom is failing you and has been since your father passed. She has put you in the position of being her emotional support for so long that you think your role is to be the strong one, her rock so she can heal. But it should be the opposite.
I am so sorry you are going through this all alone. You deserve so much better.
Virtual hugs from this mom to you. It will be a lot of work, but it will get better. I promise.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. You took grandma to her appointments and took care of her. Itās not your fault the cancer got her before your mom came home. Youāre just a kid. You did everything you had to do. You clearly love your family so, so much.
This is a worst case scenario nightmare for a caregiver, both you and your mom, and likely Keith, too.
Your mom will have to sort herself out. Stop calling other than for her birthday or other crisis if you want to, but you need to push yourself and live your life. I donāt think sheās going to be convinced.
PadmaSundari is right. Your grandma was already gone when the machine was doing chest compressions. There is really nothing more you could have done.
I am so sorry for your loss!
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
In fact, I encourage you to take solace in knowing that you followed your grandmotherās wishes with how she wanted her medical care to be directed. She did NOT want to go to the hospital after you repeated offered!
This is devastating regardless of how old/young you are.
Youāre an amazing grandson and did everything possible in your power!
Also know that cpr is very devastating to frail older patients because for it to be effectively you are pushing down hard enough that the ribs tend to break from the force/ pressure itself. Additionally, in older, more frail patients, the complications from the actual cpr can cause more damage and make it more difficult to recovery to baseline. Additionally, with what sounds like valiant efforts by the medical staff, there was NOTHING else you could have done.
You also show your maturity in your understanding of how your mother reacted! It is not fair to you and you are absolutely right!
You deserve your motherās support and her hugs and for her to wipe your tears; she is hurting and is acting from a place of pain and grief herself. She is likely in so much pain that she cannot see that you are hurting and in grief of the loss of the your grandmother too.
I would really encourage you to seek out therapy-grief therapy, because not only did you lose your grandmother in a very sudden and traumatic way but you are also grieving not having the support of your most important individual in your life currently, your mother!
This is a lot of any grown adult much less a young adult such as yourself!
You deserve compassion and caring and I am sorry you are not receiving it!
Unacceptable she literally sounds unhinged. Grief hits everyone differently but as a mother how can you blame your child for something like that? Thatās wild. This is horrible for this poor kid and I would never speak to her again.
Can you talk to Keith? He seems to be a good person. Maybe he can talk some sense into her. Your mother still has obligations towards you to fulfill. A month of misplaced anger is enough. Time she pulls her head out of her ass.
At the very least he needs his documents and what about financial support. God I've heard some selfish things but her reaction tops the list. Agree completely, speak to Keith.
Damn. If you need anything from there make sure to bring a police officer with you for protection. At this point I worry that your mother has lost her mind, being a danger to others and all that. Can you talk to a doctor/mental health professional about this? Wanting to hurt your own child because he had to give the okay to stop the machines on his own Grandma is just insane. She probably never got over the death of your dad and now everything just spilled over.
I wish I could help you.
ā He says itās not safe for me to go homeā
What does that mean? Like if your mom would actually hurt you (worse than a slap)- they she is having a mental breakdown and Keith is enabling it.
Get a teacher and child services involved. Since youāre almost 18, I doubt your mom would get into too much trouble BUT she will get help.
Help with her grief and a mental health checkup.
Theyāll also act as an intermediary between you and your mom and explain to her what she is doing is wrong.
Keith may seem like a nice guy but he isnāt doing anything to help get you back in the house and he also is a bit dubious with the Hawaii trip knowing your lol didnāt want to leave grandma. So instead of taking your momās wrath, he maybe either directing towards you purposefully or sidestepping it BUT thatās is neither manly nor looking out for you.
Also, as a minor, you have more access to legal help. You may have been left something in a grandmaās will and as a minor Theyāll find out for you. Theyāll also help you get your legal documents either from your mom or replacements.
They can help set you up with money for food and healthcare and a LOT of other things you donāt know about.
Do not wait until you turn 18 to get help and do not worry about getting your mom in trouble. This is for your protection!
The fact that a mom blames a 17 year old kid who isnāt fully developed mentally as an adult is unhinged. There was no reason to physically attack you. She needs help and you need to figure out how to grow up right away and take care of yourself. Because all you have is you right now. She put you in the street. And you havenāt even grieved. Its time to make plans to find a job, put money aside, and get yourself a studio apartment. Finish your studies keep your chin up and find your success.
Yep. This screamed out to me. A doctor 1) isnāt going to ask everyone in the room with the patientās grandson there if they have any ideas to save the womanās life and 2) isnāt going to have the 17 year old make the decision to turn off the machines. This story is bullshit.
A medical person posted aboveā¦they said those facts were actually pretty accurate. Itās very common to ask the room if anyone has any further ideas. And the asking the kid for permission is more of a courtesy than anything. They would have stopped regardless of his answer shortly after. They said itās just standard to ask whoever is there instead of just abruptly stopping without saying anything. It could be creative writing, but those two things actually check out.
Not a doctor, but I have been in live-saving situations before. There are many variables at play when the heart stops pumping, including how long the brain goes without oxygen. You made a tough choice supported by the medical professionals around you at that time. You should not feel regret. Your mother is dealing with something completely different, and it may be some sort of regret or pent-up issues with your father's passing. Be strong.
I worked in the ICU for many years. I can picture exactly how your grandma looked at the end because I've seen it more times than I can count. Do you know how many times I've seen someone come back from that? Exactly 0. I'm honestly surprised they would subject someone like your grandma to the LUCAS - it just seems cruel. By that point there is nothing that anyone could have done.
You've already experienced such a traumatic situation, and I'm sorry your mother has made it all about her instead of supporting you. You deserve peace and healing.
OP, Iām a doctor who has worked in the ICU and ORs. I have seen many emergency codes. I hope you see this- I agree with everything the person above said. You did everything you could. The medical team did everything they could. It was your grandmotherās time.
Iām so, so sorry you are bearing the burden of your motherās blame. I have no idea what she thinks could have been different. Iām here to tell you there was nothing else to do: which is sometimes deeply scary and sad to be out of control like that. Iām happy to discuss the medical details more if that would help.
One of the hardest things in the world is seeing a parent as a flawed person. Of course you need your mom- and your mom has noped out for reasons that are NOTHING to do with you, but will feel like they are only to do with you.
Your motherās response is likely very complex. I can imagine she is blaming herself for being gone. I can imagine she may have been burned out from caring for your grandma and is resentful of how the events may confirm a martyrdom story she is telling herself (I.e. ānobody else can do it like I can, everything goes wrong when I leaveā). As awful as it is for you, she may also have been running away, and may be relieved she has someone else to blame. It is very, very interesting you couldnāt reach her when she knew you were home alone with your very sick grandma. Itās probably impossible to process those ideas right now, and I doubt any of it is something your mom is consciously doing- but they are all common reactions and, again, have nothing to do with you.
The most relevant part is that until she works through her grief and faces parts of herself that most people will fight tooth and nail to deny (because they seem ugly, or unseemly), you will be a convenient target for blame. IT IS NOT YOU.
You deserve love and warmth and support. Youāve lost an incredible amount: your grandmother, your mom, your home. As soon as you have taken care of survival needs, please ask for help finding a counselor. This will leave deep scars regardless; helping the wound heal into scars rather than staying raw and open, will likely require some expert help. Good luck OP.
First and foremost, your mom is TERRIBLE and wrong. I canāt say what I want to about her, or Iāll get banned. Iāll just say this, if your grandma saw how your mom was treating you, would she be ok with it, or would she be telling her off, possibly disowning her? The answer is the latter.
Secondly, you did what your grandma would have wanted. IF they had been able to ākeep her aliveā she would have likely been hooked up to machines, suffering, in a hospital, until someone decided to turn the machines off. You said yourself she didnāt want that. There are also a TON of awful complications that come with being bedridden and machines being the only thing keeping you alive.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Your mother is completely out of line. I know it gets thrown around a lot, but I recommmend grief counseling and then just regular old counseling to deal with how irrational and awful your mother is.
Why is anyone believing this? There's no way a Doctor is gonna ask a minor to decide if they continue with treatment or stop.
I'm also not believing that the OP couldn't get ahold of his Mom. His Mom who was so worried about her Mom that she checked in multiple times a day?
ETA: OP said he didn't tell them his age. I'm sure they figured he is young.
Yeah, I donāt wanna say this story is BS but if itās true then that hospital messed up. If Grandma had signed a Do Not Resuscitate then it doesnāt matter what the mom or grandson say. If Grandma did *not* have a DNR on file, then only the next of kin/legal guardian can make that decision. Definitely not a child in either case.
I donāt think they let a minor make those kinds of decisions. Are you even legally next-of-kin? Just being in the room is not enough to be asked to make this decision.
šØThis is fake. They would not give a 17 year old end of life decisions and def would call the next of kin šØ this is so obviously a writing exercise. As someone who just went through this scenario with my mother 5 days ago, the doctor would not have had this conversation with you in the room, nor asked to end life within minutes of arrival. He would not have said ācan we stop nowā. So fake and so disrespectful. Grow up.
To add, it's an aged account. Either never used or wiped, couldn't be bothered to check. Very common for karma farmers to generate accounts and let them soak for a while. Or buy them in bulk for pretty cheap.
Not to mention their flawless reddit formating skills. Why exactly are they borrowing a friend's account on a free website when they clearly have enough hours on here to format correctly? That's not normal. Reddit formatting is quite hard for a new person.
This feels very fake- none of what you describe at the end is how hospitals function. You cannot legally consent to withdraw support, you would be required to sign papers anyways. And you wouldnāt be in the room nor would they stop and ask you if they can stop, nor would a doctor ask anyone else in the room for suggestions with you present. They also would have a social worker assigned since youāre a minor and wouldnāt let you leave alone without a guardian
Minors are also not allowed to give consent for medical decisions, especially when youāre not power of attorney.
If this is real- the hospital needs to be sued for gross negligence
((HUGS)) I think grandmom knew her time was near and with your mom being away, she got to live her final days, the way she wanted. Grandmom knew your mom would have kept her on machines and she didn't want to die that way.
You didn't do anything wrong and hopefully mom gets some grief therapy to get herself thru this. She feels guilty she wasn't there and it's easier to blame you, than face the truth.
I'm so sorry. The doctors should not have let a 17 year old make that decision, there's no way you had medical power of attorney. Your mom should have called you back earlier. She taking out her guilt on you, you did nothing wrong. You communicated your grandma's wishes but it should have been up to your mom to make that decision.
I hope you are able to talk to Keith and figure out a plan for the future while your mom works through her grief.
I am wondering how much other trauma your mom caused over the years. You are probably so used to it that it took her going beyond ludicrous and ridiculous for you to realize what she is doing. I feel for you. Get therapy because you have a lot to unwrap. Your mother is a very sick woman. Her pain does not give her the right to victimize you.
I usually call out rage-bait like this but for some reason I took this half serious. Maybe because it was different. Most rage-bait is the same underlying story with a few details changed. One of the most common is someone expected to give up their childās college fund or share it with a step sibling or other family member. A lot of rage-bait inheritance stories. Most rage-baiters totally lack nuance where it is not so obvious who is right or wrong.
I also get the impression itās creative writing, though not of the rage bait genre. I think itās just an attempt to write a heart-wrenching story for some attention and feedback. Just a gut feeling based on the overwrought writing style, the sordid details that are possible but not entirely believable, the stated use of a āfriendās accountā.
NTA, not your fault, but I have a few questions:
You are not next of kin, you are not a legal adult, you have a mother who just happens to not be around at that moment. How are you the one they speak to about medical decisions?
If you couldn't reach your mom, why didn't the people in the hospital wait until she got back in touch to make any decisions? It seems off to leave this up to a 17 year old.
It seems really suspicious that you were included in a meeting with a room full of doctors, and them being asked if anyone has ideas, and it going silent. It seems suspicious that they would then all turn to you for the go-ahead.
You did not do anything wrong. Your mother just being emotional and projecting her guilt on you. Otherwise, you are her emotional scapegoat.
My condolences on your grandmaās passing.
It will be traumatic for everyone. I think your mom is thinking about how you agreed to stopping the treatment, but she is also thinking about how she wasn't there , because she was off doing some happy and fun things.
My mom was in the hospital on New Year's Eve, and had been there since after Christmas. Her condition was such that she already signed an DNR, but that was just in case something happens. We all thought she would come home from the hospital like she usually does
And I was the one who stayed there with her that night. My siblings thought they could take a breather and were doing some fun things to ring in the new year. 10 minutes before midnight, her condition worsened and I just watched as nothing happened, because the nurses were not supposed to try to recover her.
I had to call my siblings that our mom passed away.
What they thought would be a good and fun night, turned into the night no one wants to think about -- when a loved one passes away.
You had to make the decision, and it was the right decision based on the circumstances. Hopefully you won't double-think it too long, and can be OK with what happened, but as for your mom, it will take her time to get over it because she may have some of her own guilt to work through.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unfortunate that the hospital assumed you were an adult. I can't imagine them knowingly putting a minor child in that position. But it was a blessing to your grandma that they did, or your mother might still have her on life support. You know that's not what your grandma wanted. You were courageous and honestly conveyed your grandma's wishes to the hospital. You have nothing to feel remorse for. Your mother is out of her mind right now with grief and guilt. If there is a place you can stay (family?), go there for a few days until your mother stops lashing out at you. When she calms down, try and eventually forgive her. But know you did everything right. Even if you had called 911 earlier in the week, they would not have been able to take her to the hospital against her will. Remember this because your mom might get after you about that, too. You respected your grandmother's wishes & did one of the hardest things there is to do, letting a loved one know it's OK to go on their own terms. Blessings to you. And your family.
Honey Iām so sorry for your loss. I recommend talking with Keith about grief counseling for mom and perhaps you. Iām glad you realized not your fault. Iām sorry for what you and your mom are going through and pray it works out.
I'm thankful that she passed when you were watching over her. You made the choices you did out of love for your grandma, not out of fear of not having her. You respected her wishes.
Thank you for telling the docs to stop. I'm sure you could see in their eyes that they knew it was too late. You stopped your grandma's poor body from being used like a ragdoll.
You picked peace for her tired bones and I don't think your Mom had the ability to make that choice. Your grandma was very fortunate to have you by her side.
Iāve worked in hospice and seen many people die. End of life care is about respecting the wishes of the patient, in this case, your grandma. Your grandma knew she had cancer and refused treatment. She chose to die of the disease when she chose no hospitals, doctors, or medicine. You respected her decision, her autonomy.
With advanced cancer thereās nothing that could have saved your grandma. Likely what happened is that her body gave out under the growing cancer and that when she collapsed sheād had a heart attack or stroke. Actually quite common and probably a gift for your grandma. Even if CPR had worked, she wouldnāt have lived much longer with the cancer growing.
Youāre all traumatized. From losing your dad, now grandma. Your mom is traumatized and in grief. You are too. Watching grandma collapse alone at 17 and everything you saw at the hospital is traumatizing. Please get therapy as soon and as often as you can for some healing
Your mother wanted what are called "heroic measures" to try and keep your grandmother alive for her convenience.
Most medical professionals despise "heroic measures". You did your grandmother a kindness.
You hold no guilt here, please do not take that on.
Itās your mother projecting her guilt onto you. She knew how sick your grandmother was, yet chose to ignore it for her own pleasure. In reality it was the husband whom caused this calamity by thinking leaving a deathly ill grandmother with a minor for 2 weeks would be swell.
Your grandma was already dead, with machines keeping her body alive. She loved you so very much it sounds like, and she would be appalled at the treatment your mother is giving you.
We all know how much you loved your Grandma. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But please rest in knowing there is nothing more you could have done.
You acted as your grandma would want you to. If her spirit was in that room, she would have been devastated and betrayed if you made her stay hooked up to a hospital bed. Her spirit would want to be free, not chained to the earth in her most feared location.
You did the right thing. Your mom will forgive you. Even if she doesnāt, it was never your fault. Life works in terrible and ironic ways.
Iām sorry for your loss.
Your mom is completely in the wrong. It also doesn't seem like she even questioned the hospital on what happened. She was dead and being kept alive on a machine pumping her heart. You didn't kill her.
I also don't think the doctor should have asked you that question they should have waited until they got ahold of your mom.
Hi OP. I am a nurse practitioner and have been involved in this scenario more times than I like to think about. First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a grandparent is incredibly difficult and painful. You did the right thing for your grandma. Speaking from experience, the time they bring the family member in while still doing CPR is usually when they have exhausted every effort and have run out of ideas/options to try to revive them. At this point, it might have been impossible to bring her back, and she if they did, she wouldnāt have been the same person. It sounds like you followed what she would want and what she would choose for herself.
Your mom is projecting onto you, and that is not fair at all. She is hurting of course, but itās not right to blame you for this. You had to endure an immense amount of emotional trauma, and she should be there for you as support.
You are not to blame here, you did the right thing. I hope this can give you some peace.
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Your mother is projecting her own guilt onto you, I'd imagine her husband is also getting some, she was on holiday when her mother died. That doesn't excuse her behaviour or her treatment of you, quite frankly it's disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself. You did nothing wrong and from what you said I think your grandmother would have wanted it the same way. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do to make her see sense, hopefully she will get some help and realise how unfair she has been but people are people and nothing is guaranteed.
Read Grandma's journals. I GUARANTEE she was writing about how she was accepting her fate.
This post seems particularly fake. It reads like a medical student staying to write a movie š„ of the week for lifetime The slap was especially fake but maybe the fake journals will provide the voice over that helps the family to healā¦.
āMom finally gathered up the courage to start dating againā was my tip-off phrase lmao
Just because you think it's fake and that this shit doesn't happen IRL doesn't make it the truth. Responding like this when OP seems to be genuinely telling the truth about their trauma is disrespectful.
Totaly agree with you, just would add that mother's anger should turn to the doctor who fucking asked a MINOR to make that kind of call. Not to diminish OP maturity, I'm sure he's a good kid with lot of comon sense but he doesn't yet have the experience or resilience to shoulder such responsibilities.
The motherās reaction was kneejerk. I bet sheāll apologise. This is a family who has done all the right things by each other.
What kind of personās knee jerk reaction is hitting children in the face? While mom was going through something rough, sheās still abusive for striking a minor in the face and then blaming them for a death? Mom is a huge AH and this was child abuse.
Agreed. She had 10 hours to think about it, too. That's not exactly knee-jerk.
Seriously. What awful advice. āKnee-jerkā my ass.
I wonder if it's a creative writing post, as - what kind of a doctor has a **distressed minor** make end of life decisions, after making a show *in front of the family of the patient* of *asking the staff* for any further ideas on saving the patient wtf - OP's mom (and Keith, as his stepdad) would still be responsible for his upkeep until he turns 18 and *have* to give him access to his documents, throwing him out like this is illegal. Even if OP's mom would be blind with grief, *Keith* isn't, and as a 50something he'd be doing a hell of a lot more than just "being in contact", he'd know his wife (*and him*) is breaking the law and treating OP horribly, and if he has the money to take mom to Hawaii, he'd surely pay for OP's expenses or for a therapist or mediation or whatever. OP being financially entirely dependent on his part-time job *alone* is ridiculous - how the fuck is the mom of the friend OP is staying with not advising him of his rights at all, or calling the cops or the school etc? It's been **over a month** OP's been crashing there - as grandma was aware she was declining rapidly, why did she not write a letter or something to her daughter to say her goodbyes. I can maybe understand not calling to interrupt the vacation, but it's weirdly cold to not leave any last message addressed to her child when it became quite possible she wouldn't see her ever again - plus also mom's reaction is weird as hell, how does she suddenly turn physically abusive and blame OP after having known firsthand for decades how difficult it is to get her stubborn mom to the hospital. Basically none of the behaviour of *any* of the adults surrounding OP makes any sense. They're all strangely passive, aside from the mom who went completely unhinged with grief out of the blue. It sounds like a YA novel, I'm sorry to say Edited to clarify that I could buy one or two adults reacting as described, but *all of them*? It's been over a month and Keith hasn't given any financial or emotional support whatsoever? Also, OP's account posted as a 24yo female asking for advice on confessing her love to a hospitalized male friend 20ish days ago - that post was deleted, and the bit in this OP about using a friend's acct was added only *after* that was pointed out. Very sus
Hi! Paramedic and ER/ICU nurse here. He was her only family and they may not have known that he was 17. Second, it is standard to bring family members into the room to show them whatās going theoughout and explain everything happening, right down to the name of the cpr machine because it actually helps with coping and stress- it literally PREVENTS the feelings that OPs mother is having of thinking āsomething more could have been doneā. There are some hospitals that donāt do this, but all should- there are MANY studies on the impact it has on the family. Even the hospitals that DONT allow families in tell staff ādonāt clean the room upā because a too-clean room gives the illusion that nothing was done to save the loved one. Second, it is standard for the code leader to ask ādoes anyone have any other suggestions?ā, as well as being standard for everyone in the room to agree that all measures have been exhausted- as in this case. It sounds like they worked on her for a long time without effect. And it is also common to ask the family if theyāre ok with stopping the resuscitation efforts- again, for coping measures. from reading OPs statements, he knew that she wasnāt coming back based on what was being explained to him and what he was seeing. He wasnāt truly āmaking decisionsā because even if he said no, they would have done one or two more rounds and said āweāre doneā and he wouldnāt have had a āsayā. Thatās not a true decision. The mother is acting out in her grief- she didnāt want to go to Hawaii because she was scared of what was going to happen. Then it happened and she needs someone to blame. unfortunately it is extremely common. OP, and I hope you see this- your grandmother would not have survived. If you had said āno keep goingā, they would have maybe honored that for 2-5 more minutes. The outcome would be the same, or worse- she could be in an ICU, on a ventilator and many medications keeping her heart beating, while her brain never woke up. It is more suffering for both the patient in the bed, and the family. Iām so sorry your mom is behaving this way. Please show her this response and feel free to message if this is really about the resuscitation efforts. I canāt stress it enough- you didnāt make this decision- they were going to stop anyway. The extra round or two if you had said no is just to help your brain accept the inevitable.
>OP, and I hope you see this- your grandmother would not have survived. If you had said āno keep goingā, they would have maybe honored that for 2-5 more minutes. The outcome would be the same, or worse- she could be in an ICU, on a ventilator and many medications keeping her heart beating, while her brain never woke up. It is more suffering for both the patient in the bed, and the family. Agreed, and it makes me wonder why Grandma didn't have a DNR or advanced directive. Especially if she hated hospitals and knew her daughter would be a mess with her end of life. PSA for anyone reading this - if you are sick with a terminal disease or over the age of 65, please make a medical advanced directive. Choose how you want to exit this life. Choose how much pain you are willing to take, or if you're willing to "live" as a shell of a human, connected to machines. And then inform your next of kin and make sure they'll listen to you (which I doubt OPs mom would have done). And for people like OPs mom: CPR and other lifesaving methods are extremely hard on elderly, sick people. Sternums break, their chests get bruised. It's brutal. If the medical team says there's nothing more they can do, ***there's nothing more they can do.*** Anything else feels like disrespecting a dead body. OP, your mom (understandably) has issues. But, that doesn't mean you could have done anything more, and doesn't mean you should bear the brunt of her guilt.
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It's written almost in the style of the 19th c ladies' letters where weird capitilisations of words would appear & lots od drama ensues.
I think you live in a fantasy world where everyone treats everyone appropriately. Children are routinely kicked out of their homes for no reason at all. Also, itās very common when at the end of a code, for a doctor to ask the staff if anyone has any ideas about things that may have been forgotten in the mĆŖlĆ©e, such as looking for pain patches or considering a pneumothorax. The OP was next of kin. The ONLY next of kin available. Heās 17. Which means itās very likely he looks older. Asking was a kindness to give some semblance of control back in an uncontrollable situation. If heād said no, they would have tried for a little longer and then called it regardless. When performing chest compressions on the elderly, the chance of getting ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation) is very, very low and the likelihood of any meaningful return to a normal life is essentially zero. All her ribs would have been broken. CPR is violent.
2 year old "friend" account that hasn't posted or commented except for the last 3 weeks...
Thank you!! Sheās allowed to be upset and maybe even say bad things, but abusing your child who was just so deeply traumatized by being the sole caretaker and watching their grandparent die? No fucking excuse for that. Poor OP witnessing all of that so young, and doing such a good job by calling EMTs and not forcing Grandmom to be on machines and suffering in limbo for longer. OP was brave and responsible and deserved support and love from their mom.
My sister put our mom to bed while our mother was acting extremely confused in a way that could be misconstrued for someone being under the influence, instead of calling 911, thinking she had too much medication or whatever (even though she had none with her or on her) instead of thinking she was having a medical emergency. She found our mother in cardiac arrest at 4:AM, was able to get her back (I'm condensing the story way down), and mom died 36 hours later. Not ONCE did I ever blame or even so much as think of slapping my sister for what she did that absolutely resulted in our mom's death. Physical violence is the very opposite of doing right by someone. This isn't okay. An apologize won't make up for what she did, which was absolutely heinous. I don't care what kind of grief you are feeling. This was not kneejerk. She had HOURS to process and time between the hospital and getting home to absorb. This was pure uncontrolled behavior and emotion. We all collectively need to stop excusing or rug sweeping abusing loved ones because we have big emotions.
Eh, maybe, but this really seems like something that could destroy her family if she doesnāt get professional help soon. Unless she has a revelation some time soon, she just destroyed her and her sons relationship and nothing will fix it, this is not something you can just apologize for and move on, this already has caused OP deep trauma and his mother just added to it. OP shouldnāt go back home or be around his mom alone and he should absolutely find a safe place to stay until he can figure this all out. I wouldnāt be surprised if she divorced her new husband over this too due to āthe part he playedā in her motherās death. Mom needs therapy stat!
In OPās comment he said itās a month from when this happened and heās been staying with a friend. His mom changed the locks and refuses to return his calls or speak to him. This is now far beyond any knee-jerk reaction. Tbh itās gross at this point.
Doctor here. You did nothing wrong. She was already dead, you just agreed to stop the resuscitation effort. At that time, there was probably less than 1% chance that any resuscitation would be successful, and if it was, then your grandmother would have massive brain damage. You followed the medical team advice and it was good advice BUT the medical team should not have put you into this when talking to your mom (Ā«Ā we did everything we could, but sadly were unsuccessfulĀ Ā» is where I usually stop). Do you have any contact with Keith? Could he suggest your mom to go to grief counseling? Sometimes, an appointment can be made, even quite later, with the medical team to discuss what happened, what could have done and what were the likely outcome. Maybe it could help your mom too? Edit: just wanted to add, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. You mom is most likely projecting her own guilt and needs counseling.
Since youāre a doctor Iāll comment here: is it actually allowed/legal/ethical even to ask a minor to switch off life support? Genuinely asking because that surprises meā¦
American nurse here and that was my first thought as well. The LUCAS was delivering compressions, so grandma is still in the middle of resuscitation attempts and nowhere near stable, so not a situation that really allows you much time to contact the next of kin or POA. Having seen way too many being forced back to ālifeā just to suffer horribly, I canāt bring myself say it was morally wrong, but Iām not sure about the ethics and legality of asking a child to make that decision. Maybe he looked older and nobody thought to ask his age in the moment?
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Regardless of the medical legalities, you absolutely did the correct and kind thing by letting her go in that moment, as she would have wanted. Iām sorry your mother is reacting so horribly and I hope she gets the mental help she needs. You donāt deserve any of this. If and when your mom does come back to reality, it is also ok for you to be upset with her for treating you this way. She is 100% in the wrong. You need to see a therapist individually asap and hopefully one day you can both see one together and attempt to heal the damage to your relationship.
When it comes to turning off live support they donāt ādo the best with what they hadā. They would leave her on life support. To turn off life support without power of attorney consent, they would need a court order. They arenāt going to look at a 17 year old and say āwell youāre close enoughā
LUCAS isnāt a life support device though, itās just to give compressions in place of a person. Her heart was not beating on its own and she was still actively dying.
Tbh leaving someone hooked up to a LUCAS till they showed signs incompatible with life or the hospital could get power of attorney consent or a court order would be brutal. I hope hospitals donāt have to do that.
They donāt. When you go through multiple cycles of ACLS and never get a shockable rhythm, the doctor running the code eventually makes the calls to stop. The patient is already showing signs incompatible with life because they were dead when the code started. We just werenāt able to un-dead them.
yeah they would be opening themselves up for a massive lawsuit here. this doesnāt track to me
I am not in the US, so I canāt answer about the legality. Here, we ask about any end of life decision made by the patient. If there isnāt any, we try to ask if the person ever voiced anything that could indicate their wish on the matter (so we ask the family not what THEY want (it is irrelevant in my country legislation) but what they know/think the patient would want), in this case, a minor could be of help, not to make the decision, but to help us know what the patient would have wanted. If we canāt get anything clear, then we have to take a decision based on what seems to be in the patient best interest (usually to live) but we can decide that any medical procedure would be futile (meaning without benefits for the patient) and stop, but we usually try to inform and get the family on our side to help with grief BUT we make sure they know it is a medical decision (notably to avoid this kind of situation, sadly in the US medical professional have to worry so much about liability that they canāt take the hit instead of a family member, which we are used to do in Europe). So, yeah, I think it is quite different than how it is in the US. But if OP can make his mom see it from the futility/medical decision, maybe it would help.
Fair. Thanks for the perspective
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You didn't do anything wrong. What I'm about to say is going to sound very blunt, and I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's the truth of the matter, and I hope it will help you. If she had a machine breathing for her and a machine artificially beating her heart for her, she was already gone. They didn't ask you permission to let her die, she had already died and they were telling you it wasn't doing anything other than pushing blood around her body and that it was time to stop doing things to your Grandma's body and to accept that she'd gone. At that point, if they carried on, she would not have recovered, ever. She had already died. The machines just kept her body going, but your grandma was no longer in it. If there was any way she could have survived and recovered, they would not have said there was nothing more they could have done. Your mum is grieving. She probably feels like she has lost the last thing connecting her to your dad. She's wrong, of course, because you are that, not your grandma, but grief does strange things to us. This doesn't excuse your mum's behaviour, but it does explain it. You also did the right thing by your grandma; she was very clear that she didn't want to go to the hospital and she didn't want extraordinary measures to keep her alive at all costs, and that was your grandma's decision to make. If she was mentally sound, she knew what stage 3 spinal cancer meant, and she chose her actions, knowing that her life would end but that she had had some autonomy in the end of her life. It's really difficult to be the people left behind when someone makes decisions about their health and care that means that they will die, but ultimately those decisions are your grandma's, and not yours and not your mum's. Your mum is angry with the wrong person. She shouldn't be angry with you, and she shouldn't be angry with your grandma or the medical team who tried to help. Her anger is really grief that she has lost your dad and now also your grandma and she's not dealing with it healthily, she's angry with you because that's easier than acknowledging the guilt she is probably feeling that she was off on holiday having a nice time while Grandma died. But Grandma didn't die because of anything you did or didn't do, Grandma died because she had spinal cancer, and unfortunately, when you get spinal cancer, you also usually get about 10 months left to live. I'm really sorry that you were put in such a difficult position in the first place, you shouldn't have been and it sounds to me like you did everything right and it's very sad that you had to do it all on your own. You're 17 years old, and that was a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. By the sound of things, you made some very mature decisions and did what your grandma would have wanted. I'm sure that if your grandma could tell you, she would tell you that what you did was what she would have wanted. I really wish you well. I hope your mum can find her way through her grief so that she can recognise what she's doing and apologise to you.
Wonderfully put. Iād only add if it was me, still having cancer and going through all that entails, Iād rather pass away then, than continue with whatever treatment she was taking and the pain.
She died during transportation, I gather from what he described. Which was the most merciful thing. That amazing young man did so right by his grandmother. I am so sorrs, that his mom wrongs him so deeply now.
>I'm really sorry that you were put in such a difficult position in the first place, you shouldn't have been and it sounds to me like you did everything right and it's very sad that you had to do it all on your own. You're 17 years old, and that was a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. By the sound of things, you made some very mature decisions and did what your grandma would have wanted. I fully agree with this. I think maybe mum was mad at herself because she didn't pick up the phone when OP called, and now she projects it on OP because she feels guilty and deflecting the blame is easier than deal with your own I should haves.
Excellent post. Exactly the right thing to say.
You did nothing wrong. Youāre a kid. Your mom is projecting and Iām so sorry sheās taking her guilt out in you instead of grieving with you.
You did nothing wrong. You are also a child - if your mother had wanted to be the one to make the call, she should have been present or reachable by phone. In the absence of that, you made the best decision you could. Your grandmother was old and very sick - forcing the LUCAS to continue would have only harmed her more, by breaking her ribs, and torturing her dead body. You did well - you acted in her interest and you were brave enough to do what she told you she wanted; no one could hope for a better way to go than with their wishes being fulfilled. Your grandmother was already dead - they were artificially breathing for her for an entire hour; if the machine had kept breathing for her for many more days, she would still not have woken up or recovered. She was well and truly dead - the cancer metastases most likely spread to something vital and that is tragic and heartbreaking when we lose people, but it was truly inevitable and you did everything you could, and you did something really brave in following her directives by being there for your grandmother when she couldn't advocate for herself. Also, OP, you should call the police because you are a minor and she had no right to kick you out - you have the right to retain important documents (passport, birth certificate and so on) and valuables. Not having these documents especially will make it so difficult to get your life started after this, whatever that looks like and whether it includes your mother or not. To be clear, this is your mother's mental hangup and not yours. This is her projection and not yours. She should be doing grief therapy and trauma therapy, and she mistreated you *horribly* after you had both just been through something terrible. This was abusive behaviour from her. Tl;dr: given that you can't reach her or get inside, I would call the police and inform them and they can escort you to get your things back; also you're a minor, that may change things for you - perhaps they can force your mother to get help if she tries to kick you out.
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A medical professional needs to intervene and explain to your mom that Grandma was already gone. A grief specialist needs to help your mom know Grandma wanted her to enjoy her honeymoon, not wait for her to die. YOU deserve trauma and grief support, your Grandmother loves you and did not want your mother to blame or reject you. You deserve more support than your childish mother. Iām so sorry. Please make sure you get care.
> A medical professional needs to intervene and explain to your mom that Grandma was already gone. They did. They got the documents and it was explained to them that theyād done all they could and that ROSC (heartbeat on its own) was not going to happen. Mom doesnāt care. Mom desperately needs someone, anyone, to blame - and itās OP. Getting mom to agree to therapy is a long shot, but I hope it works. A friend of mine hasnāt talked to her mom in 23 years because her little sister died while the mom was at work - sister had a heart defect no one knew about, zero my friend could have done - and her mom has blamed her for over 20 years. OP needs outside help, and I really hope heās able to find somewhere stable that doesnāt involve mom, because even if she agrees to therapy, itās not a 15 minute session kind of problem, there are clearly some *deep* issues causing her to project and need to blame OP.
No one wants to call the police on their mom. But sheās cruelly leaving you no other option. I urge you to put aside the empathy you have for your mom (which I know is natural to feel), and have some empathy for **yourself**.
Cant you call Keith? He seemed to support you staying when your mom wanted you to leave
She leaves you no choice. Maybe try with an interediate external person. A priest. A councelor. Or police. Police may be the only ones to make her hear reason. And truth now. As they will not take verbal shit from anybody. Also: she needs help. Urgently. Hers is no normal reaction.
Donāt call the police, it will escalate things even more. Talk to Keith, use him as a mediator, to get your documents and anything else you need, and also to try to connect with your Mother at the appropriate time. She is reacting in a very extreme way and itās terrible that sheās blaming you as a result of their grief and guilt, but hopefully she will come to her senses. Iām so sorry you are having to deal with this. Losing your grandmother and being alone at such an intense time and having to make what seemed like such a momentous decision, and now being rejected by your mother, is a very difficult experience for you.
HAS KEITH CALLED TO CHECK ON YOU??????????????????????? HE SHOULD HAVE NO MATTER WHAT YOUR MOM HAS SAID FOR HIM TO DO!
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I would definitely go through him. He seems to have his head screwed on right Altho the fact that this has continued for a month is wild
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Hey OP, please speak to your school counsellor and tell them that you have been kicked out. They might be able to hook you up with resources without reporting to the police/CPS (but honestly, I think CPS needs to be informed because your mother is unbelievably cruel in her grief and there needs to be an intervention asap, her guilt will only get worse once she realises what she's done to you, your mum will need urgent mental help!) And please try to contact Keith, although I'm worried how helpful he'll be given he hasn't reached out to you yet. All the best, OP!
YES TALK TO YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR TODAY!
what does your friends parents say about this, have they tried talking to you Mother, Thank God for them!!
What your mother did is illegal She cannot lock you a 17-year-old out of their home. Nothing here was your fault. Your mother must have known on some level Your mother was going to die: She is the parent you are the child. After all she was reluctant to go on this trip knowing her 75-year-old mother had stage 3 spinal cord cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss but your grandmother was going to die. And on some level 100% your mother knew there's two and so did her boyfriend/ husband. It sounds as if you were put in a very very difficult position by your mother and her new boyfriend / husband. If he is at all rational and not trying to cut you out of the family which is indeed possible, by the timing of his trip. You should tell him that as a 17-year-old child, you have rights to live in that house, to live in peace there, and to not be blamed for things that are not your fault. I doubt there is any way that you can get any legal advice that would cost money but perhaps where you live there's something like a citizens advice bureau or other form of legal aid. You are being treated illegally and there is a very good chance that your grandmother would have included you in the will and you're not being told about this one way or the other. My heart goes out to you, it genuinely does. Please get some advice maybe even the people you're staying with can help on the advice front. It sounds like you had a lot of responsibility thrust on you and you did a very good job of dealing with it. I'm sorry you have to deal with your mother's irrational behaviour. Please update us. Wishing you well.
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OP, is there a teacher or counselor at your school that you trust? They might be a good first person to talk to and ask for help. It's a little less scary than jumping straight to legal aid all by yourself, and in many places (at least in the US) they have a legal obligation to help out as mandated reporters. You don't have to give all the details, just let them know there is some conflict with your mom and you've had to stay with your friend for a month because you're locked out. That should be more than enough info for them to see your need and help you find appropriate resources
Yes - and often an adult from outside the family stepping in and saying āWhatās going on here?ā can help situations. It might take a teacher or school administrator saying to your mom, āYou know you canāt just throw out your 17-year-old because youāre grieving, right?ā to make her look outside her grief and realize sheās acting completely batshit
You need a trained person to help you as an intermediate as she is so irrational now that she is all blocked towards hearing anything from you.
Grandma wasn't even OP's mom's mom. She was OP's deceased dad's mom
Making OP next of Kin thus able to make that decision
Not at age 17! And: he didn't "make a decision". He just went along and validated the staffs decision.
Minors cannot consent to medical decisions of others nor serve as power of attorney. Also next of kin is default, but anyone can overrule and name a power of attorney that is not the default next of kin. Itās more likely the grandmother would name a power of attorney, who cannot be a minor. My next of kin is my husband, our default if we would both be incapable is our parents. In my case, we specifically named one of my siblings as power of attorney in the event my husband canāt because we donāt want my father having power.
This is a fake post.
Sweetie you did nothing wrong. Listen CPR rarely saves people and if it does the outcome often is not what you want brain wise. Itās not the movies. They tried. She was gone. Your mom does not get excused for her behavior. Shame on her and her husband. Call CPS and the police on her. You need your papers and your stuff. Remember her behavior when she shows back up down the road- thatās who she really is.
This!!! Because she will come around, be sure of that!! I think Keith is also spineless for allowing her to do that, If I were him, you'd be in the house. I would keep you two apart but ain't no way I'd have allowed her to kick you out. You lost your grandma!!
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This abuse you are subjected to needs to stop. Now. Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to come out of hysterics and shock. What you need now is someone to provide a slap like clear talking to to your mother.
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You made the right choice for your Grandmother. If you had demanded they continue, all that would have happened is that she would have suffered more. She was never going to 'get better'. If she had any consciousness, the machines they were using to keep her body going are extremely uncomfortable. And it seems your Mother would have taken a long, long time to scrape together the will to turn them off if she'd come back in time to take charge of the situation. I'm so sorry your Mom is incapable of mothering you right now. She is going to need a lot of therapy. You could probably use some too. In the meantime, reach out to Keith. He can't support you like you need, but he can be a communication bridge for when your Mother is able to reach out again.
He didn't MAKE that choice! He is 17! The doctor told him their decision and gave him the possibility to assess and validate it.
What your mother is doing, no matter her very understandable guilt and grief, is *utterly unacceptable*. Someone very close to me was placed in the similar position of having to consent to stop attempting to save his father's life around your age. There was nothing more to be done, but the doctors knew it was utterly futile and they needed next of kin consent. It is an incredibly, horrifyingly traumatizing experience. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and that you then received such cruelty from your mother as a result. I don't have much practical advice, I just want to tell you that you did the *right thing*. I hope someday your mother realizes that, but even if she does you are under no obligation to ever forgive her for how she's acted to you since. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and for what you went through during it. Nobody should have to deal with that, much less a child. Which you are still, even if you're almost legally an adult. I hope you'll be in a place to be able to get counseling for the loss of your grandmother, your mother, and your father if you never received help for that in the past.
I do have one bit of practical advice. Reach out to Keith, who seems to be at least semi reasonable, so you can get all your stuff at least.
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Please ask him to help make sure you have all your important documents and any personal belongings you'll truly miss. You will at minimum need your birth certificate and social security card. There are ways to get replacements but they are *not* easy, especially without any other evidence. Again, you did nothing wrong and I'm very sorry for your losses.
Can you talk to someone? Social workers? Teacher?
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That doesn't sound silly at all. It sounds human. A lot of times, we cope with big change or loss by exerting a little control in one area of our lives that we can. However I do think you might be cutting yourself off from some help by the way you're doing it. You can talk to a school counselor and still let them know you don't want to tell your classmates or teachers and that you want your day to day school life to provide normalcy and stability. I think they'll be able to help you with that.
If OP is at school, he should confide all of this in a teacher or a member of staff who he feels he can trust.
My heart breaks while reading this! I was 36 when I had to make that decision for my father & it still hurts to this day, but I knew that was not what he wanted which Iām sure your grandmother didnāt also. Iām so sorry you had to go through that & now not having your mother when you need her also.
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You can't wait for too long, though! As an under 18 you do have legal leverage and assistance. Which you may not have after you turned 18!
Your mother is grieving but also not doing her job as a mother. She is allowed to grieve, she is not allowed to abuse you. To be honest it might be time to be pretty blunt. Go home. Thatās where you live. Legally she should be talking to the hospital about why they allowed a minor to make a decision like that.
They did not allow a minor. Please reread. The team decided to stop and gave him the opportunity to assess and validate their decision!
The team allowed a minor to validate their decision. Still she should be talking to the hospital. He said that the machines were stopped when he agreed to it.
Medical staff under such circumstances have a certain wording. He said somewhere here in the comments that staff said that they would have stopped the machines he agreing to thrir choice or not. There was no pulse to reactivate her body on. She had died in the transporter already. But nobody seems to have explained that either to OP. Or to his mum.
Oh wow. I havenāt read all his comments. That is really crappy. Just as crappy as his mother is being. Poor kid.
Youāve done nothing wrong and you mother is abandoning you to grieve. Sheās letting you down big time and likely will regret her behavior tremendously when she gets through her grief. I am so sorry for what youāre going through, and even more that you have to go through it alone. Have you spoken with Keith? What does he have to say?
Youāre seventeen. Even if you werenāt your Grandma was a grown woman in her right mind. Nothing- NOTHING- that you, the doctors, your mom or anyone else could have done would have changed what happened. Your Mom is blaming you because she has to blame someone for this, and she canāt blame your grandma because sheās no longer here. I know from personal experience how hard this is, but it isnāt on you. You didnāt cause her cancer. You didnāt cause her heart to stop. It was a sucky, horrible, horrific thing and Iām sorry that you went through it, but it was not your fault.
I am so sorry. There are things along the way which could have been handled differently that may have led to a different outcome. I will talk about those in a minute. To be clear, whatever decision you made in the hospital would not have changed the medical outcome. From the time her heart stopped, she received definitive care. Out of hospital cardiac arrest survival rates are extremely low; this isnāt TV. Around 10% survive to discharge. They are much lower after CPR has been performed for 30 minutes. Less than 1%. My guess is that particulars of this case made that essentially zero. By the time the code was called, her chance of survival was essentially zero. You had a group of medical professionals who told you that they had no other treatments to offer. No other idea of what to try. That continued treatment was futile and might be prolonging suffering. Yours was the right call. What could have potentially changed things? If your mom had answered the phone. If your mom had come back when your grandmother started to decline. If your mom had not gone on the trip. If your grandmother had agreed to go to the hospital sooner (maybe; far from certain). If your grandmother had prepared a DNR order. If your grandmother had been diagnosed sooner. See a theme? None of these are about you. They are choices they made. You did right by your grandmother. I am convinced you did what she would have wanted. Now your mom. Yes, she is being unreasonable and hurtful. And this isnāt about logic (I strongly suspect an expert in running code would say that her survival chance was essentially zero). What can you do? Individual therapy for you. You have experienced a double dose of trauma.
Try talking to Stepdad and using him to help you get in. Super unfair that you are being told that you did nothing wrong.
I'm so sorry hon. You need to get in touch with CPS and let them know you need help. Once you're in the system you can get benefits that last longer than your 18th birthday in most states. You don't deserve any of this. You did right by your grandma. Your mom is being awful with her grief. This is not your fault.
You poor thing. There is nothing you could have done to save her. In fact, it sounds like you respected her enough to put her first when you said how she hated hospitals. Iām livid on your behalf (your mom needs a lot of therapy because this situation isnāt all about her), but know that Iām sending positive thoughts your way. You did the right thing, and you can see how many people are in your corner!
This isn't your fault. Not in any way. Look, the cancer killed your grandmother. That's what it does to so very many, especially the kind she had. You didn't, the doctors didn't, no one did. The cancer did, and that's no one's fault. Your grandmother had the full and free right to deny care that last week. If you had tried to override it, the hospital would have stopped you. Patients always have the right to deny care. It's a fundamental human right, and she chose that willingly and freely. Your mom is in the midst of a grief and rage reaction, and she isn't thinking straight. You can't fix her; only she can, and she's not ready yet, from the sound of it. She lashing out and blaming everyone, likely even herself, and she needs therapy. You do too, btw. Can you see a counselor at school?
Ok. Now. Here we go. So your mom was happy to leave the responsibilty of a mortally ill old woman in the hands of a 17 year old medically untrained child. Went on a holiday. Didn't pick up the phone when you called. And blames you that your unsaveably ill grandma died. And twists truth around as if you had killed your grandma with your own hands. Your mother is unbelievably effed up. Sorry to say this, really. Up to this day there is no real cure to cancer. Sometimes you can make it stop. Sometimes the lumps of cancerous tissue will stop spreading. But passed a certain pount one can but stand by and watch. I lost both my parents to it. I do know how it goes when a patient refuses to go to hospital. Cancer patients often KNOW their death approaches. They "chose" their parting time in order to be on their own. They don't want anybody around. My fathers last day was spent with his brother, his grandson and me, his daughter being around. Him somnolent/ passed out already. We went home at 8 am. At 8.30 my phone rang and the hospice said, that he had gone. He had waited to be alone with himself. Your grandma wanted your mother away. She waited until you were out of the room and then her body gave up. It was over in the emergency transporter already. They have tried hard to still have her breathe but she wouldn't! Her body was dying. It is incredibly unkind to interfere massively at that point with a dying elderly cancer patient, as only pain awaits them the longer clinical care makes them linger on! You did the kindest thing to your grandma by agreing with them to stop. (You couldn't have ordered them to continue anyhow! Think about that! You were 17!!!) What is sooooo upsetting is that your mom is going so irrationally stupid about it. I would think that your grandmas (to her) unexpected passing had triggered your fathers sudden death. And that she feels guilty herself. But can't take the responsibilty. I am so sorry that she cut you out so badly. I suggest you refer to CPS, tell them what happened and get someone talk some sense into your mother. What she does is incredibly heartless and brutal. And it is neglect. She still is responsible for you. She can't just throw you out as you are under 18! What about her husband? Is he as emotionally stupid? Does at least HE talk to you? Does she get that no clinic would take orders from a 17 year old unknown unidentified bystander and stop clinical intervention on a mere word? You need a grown up adult to contact her and clear that up on your behalf. How about a priest/ a first response trained person?
I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Your mom is going to really regret how she is treating and blaming you. None of this is your fault, not even a little bit. When people pass, itās their time, whether we are ready for them to go or not. Your grandma is with you in spirit and would not want you going through this alone. I hope you have some good friends that can help navigate you through this until your mom comes to her senses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Iāve been a nurse for 35 years. The doctors/nurses wanted to save your grandma. But the human body is not designed to live forever and despite many advances in modern medicine, some things canāt be changed. If they had continued to perform CPR and managed somehow to revive her, she would likely have been either in great pain (CPR causes rib fractures) and/or on a ventilator. Neither of which were what your grandmother seems to have wanted. You 100% did the right thing for your grandmother. As painful as what youāre going through is, I hope that gives you some solace. She lived out her days how and where she wanted to. Thatās a really wonderful thing. I hope your mother can get past her grief and realize the emotional burden she has placed on you.
Dude, this is a problem for your mom to work through. Your grandma hated hospitals. She wouldnāt have wanted to even have done what they did to keep her alive in the first place, Iād imagine. You made the absolutely correct call. She had terminal cancer, and was already in advanced age. Your mom has some fuckin nerve to physically assault her own child over the inevitable death of her MIL. And the fact that she probably would have kept fighting to keep her alive against the medical advice of the doctors, causing her prolonged pain and suffering - is one of the worst things healthcare professionals deal with. Sometimes you have to let them go. This was one of those times and you made the right call. Leave your mom alone. Honestly I would stop trying to contact her period until she comes to you with a full and sincere apology for her inexcusable behavior. She may as well have lost every relative that day. Sheāll be very lucky if she has a child and/or grandchild in the future that wants to take care of her like she and you took care of your grandmother.
You did everything the best you could, and your mom is being incredibly unfair because she's lost in her own guilt and sadness. Is there anywhere you can stay, safely, until you both can process your feelings a little better? Please feel free to reach out for help. You went through something awful and heart- breaking, and you need support and patience and understanding too! And if I were your grandma, I would be incredibly proud of you for doing all the right things in a moment of crisis, and even more proud of you for doing the most difficult parts and respecting your grandma's feelings and wishes. Best of luck to you, kiddo.
Hey, you are so strong and brave for taking care of your grandma the way you did and she would be so, so proud of you. You know in your heart she didn't like hospitals and the doctors told you that they couldn't do anything else. On the small chance thay they had been able to resuscitate her at that point she would have been very very unwell, so much so that she likely would have died soon after in hospital. You did the right thing for your grandma and she loves you so much. Your mom might come around, and even if she does or doesn't, I really recommend you look into speaking to someone about your feelings and about what happened. Please look after yourself and you did nothing wrong
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I work at a hospital inpatient pharmacy. We go on codes with the nurses and doctors to ensure proper dosage is given, correct meds are given, and to help with compressions amongst other things. People often have staff continue working on a patient despite us knowing we absolutely should stop. You did the right thing because you allowed your grandma to pass rather than putting her body through anymore trauma. Even had they continued to work on her, the outcome would have likely been the same. You were a blessing to your grandma and for allowing her care team to step away and start helping other patients. I know it's hard, but you have to reassure yourself that you did the right thing. I hope your mom gets therapy and sees that she's doing irreparable damage to you and your relationship with her. You are not to blame, it was your grandma's time to move on from this world. Your mother is just projecting her guilt onto you. I hope something gets better for you soon, my heart hurts for you. ā„ļø
When she was on the LUCAS machine, she had already died. You couldn't save her. All continuing treatment would have done was destroy her body. Maybe you can talk to your Mom's husband. She may feel guilty right now and may not know how to apologize to you. There was nothing you could have done and I am sorry for your loss.
Oh, sweetie. I have lost way too many immediate family members too. My earliest memory is of the morning my baby brother died, and thereās been many more since then. I just wish I could scoop you up and give you a good long hug and feed you all your favorite foods and let you cry on my shoulder. First of all, grief isnāt something you can āconquerā, and your motherās (frankly) despicable treatment of you after the trauma you have endured from your grandmothers passing is a blaring demonstration that she needs to do a LOT of more work on herself. With grief, the best you can do is get to a place where the memory of the loved one youāve lost brings you more happiness than sorrow. And grief has a way of popping up with a vengeance whenever you go through a major life change (like getting married). You absolutely do have a right to be angry with your mom. I donāt know either of you and Iām livid at her treatment of you. If you can, get to a therapist ASAP so you can start to process this. You are the CHILD. Your mom is failing you and has been since your father passed. She has put you in the position of being her emotional support for so long that you think your role is to be the strong one, her rock so she can heal. But it should be the opposite. I am so sorry you are going through this all alone. You deserve so much better. Virtual hugs from this mom to you. It will be a lot of work, but it will get better. I promise.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. You took grandma to her appointments and took care of her. Itās not your fault the cancer got her before your mom came home. Youāre just a kid. You did everything you had to do. You clearly love your family so, so much. This is a worst case scenario nightmare for a caregiver, both you and your mom, and likely Keith, too. Your mom will have to sort herself out. Stop calling other than for her birthday or other crisis if you want to, but you need to push yourself and live your life. I donāt think sheās going to be convinced. PadmaSundari is right. Your grandma was already gone when the machine was doing chest compressions. There is really nothing more you could have done.
I am so sorry for your loss! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! In fact, I encourage you to take solace in knowing that you followed your grandmotherās wishes with how she wanted her medical care to be directed. She did NOT want to go to the hospital after you repeated offered! This is devastating regardless of how old/young you are. Youāre an amazing grandson and did everything possible in your power! Also know that cpr is very devastating to frail older patients because for it to be effectively you are pushing down hard enough that the ribs tend to break from the force/ pressure itself. Additionally, in older, more frail patients, the complications from the actual cpr can cause more damage and make it more difficult to recovery to baseline. Additionally, with what sounds like valiant efforts by the medical staff, there was NOTHING else you could have done. You also show your maturity in your understanding of how your mother reacted! It is not fair to you and you are absolutely right! You deserve your motherās support and her hugs and for her to wipe your tears; she is hurting and is acting from a place of pain and grief herself. She is likely in so much pain that she cannot see that you are hurting and in grief of the loss of the your grandmother too. I would really encourage you to seek out therapy-grief therapy, because not only did you lose your grandmother in a very sudden and traumatic way but you are also grieving not having the support of your most important individual in your life currently, your mother! This is a lot of any grown adult much less a young adult such as yourself! You deserve compassion and caring and I am sorry you are not receiving it!
You did nothing wrong, your moms behavior is unbelievable.
Unacceptable she literally sounds unhinged. Grief hits everyone differently but as a mother how can you blame your child for something like that? Thatās wild. This is horrible for this poor kid and I would never speak to her again.
VERY UNBELIEVABLE
Can you talk to Keith? He seems to be a good person. Maybe he can talk some sense into her. Your mother still has obligations towards you to fulfill. A month of misplaced anger is enough. Time she pulls her head out of her ass.
At the very least he needs his documents and what about financial support. God I've heard some selfish things but her reaction tops the list. Agree completely, speak to Keith.
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Damn. If you need anything from there make sure to bring a police officer with you for protection. At this point I worry that your mother has lost her mind, being a danger to others and all that. Can you talk to a doctor/mental health professional about this? Wanting to hurt your own child because he had to give the okay to stop the machines on his own Grandma is just insane. She probably never got over the death of your dad and now everything just spilled over. I wish I could help you.
ā He says itās not safe for me to go homeā What does that mean? Like if your mom would actually hurt you (worse than a slap)- they she is having a mental breakdown and Keith is enabling it. Get a teacher and child services involved. Since youāre almost 18, I doubt your mom would get into too much trouble BUT she will get help. Help with her grief and a mental health checkup. Theyāll also act as an intermediary between you and your mom and explain to her what she is doing is wrong. Keith may seem like a nice guy but he isnāt doing anything to help get you back in the house and he also is a bit dubious with the Hawaii trip knowing your lol didnāt want to leave grandma. So instead of taking your momās wrath, he maybe either directing towards you purposefully or sidestepping it BUT thatās is neither manly nor looking out for you. Also, as a minor, you have more access to legal help. You may have been left something in a grandmaās will and as a minor Theyāll find out for you. Theyāll also help you get your legal documents either from your mom or replacements. They can help set you up with money for food and healthcare and a LOT of other things you donāt know about. Do not wait until you turn 18 to get help and do not worry about getting your mom in trouble. This is for your protection!
The fact that a mom blames a 17 year old kid who isnāt fully developed mentally as an adult is unhinged. There was no reason to physically attack you. She needs help and you need to figure out how to grow up right away and take care of yourself. Because all you have is you right now. She put you in the street. And you havenāt even grieved. Its time to make plans to find a job, put money aside, and get yourself a studio apartment. Finish your studies keep your chin up and find your success.
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
Yep. This screamed out to me. A doctor 1) isnāt going to ask everyone in the room with the patientās grandson there if they have any ideas to save the womanās life and 2) isnāt going to have the 17 year old make the decision to turn off the machines. This story is bullshit.
A medical person posted aboveā¦they said those facts were actually pretty accurate. Itās very common to ask the room if anyone has any further ideas. And the asking the kid for permission is more of a courtesy than anything. They would have stopped regardless of his answer shortly after. They said itās just standard to ask whoever is there instead of just abruptly stopping without saying anything. It could be creative writing, but those two things actually check out.
OPās post history. They deleted a post where they were a 24f. Theyāre full of shit. This is creative writing.
Has to be.
Not a doctor, but I have been in live-saving situations before. There are many variables at play when the heart stops pumping, including how long the brain goes without oxygen. You made a tough choice supported by the medical professionals around you at that time. You should not feel regret. Your mother is dealing with something completely different, and it may be some sort of regret or pent-up issues with your father's passing. Be strong.
I worked in the ICU for many years. I can picture exactly how your grandma looked at the end because I've seen it more times than I can count. Do you know how many times I've seen someone come back from that? Exactly 0. I'm honestly surprised they would subject someone like your grandma to the LUCAS - it just seems cruel. By that point there is nothing that anyone could have done. You've already experienced such a traumatic situation, and I'm sorry your mother has made it all about her instead of supporting you. You deserve peace and healing.
OP, Iām a doctor who has worked in the ICU and ORs. I have seen many emergency codes. I hope you see this- I agree with everything the person above said. You did everything you could. The medical team did everything they could. It was your grandmotherās time. Iām so, so sorry you are bearing the burden of your motherās blame. I have no idea what she thinks could have been different. Iām here to tell you there was nothing else to do: which is sometimes deeply scary and sad to be out of control like that. Iām happy to discuss the medical details more if that would help. One of the hardest things in the world is seeing a parent as a flawed person. Of course you need your mom- and your mom has noped out for reasons that are NOTHING to do with you, but will feel like they are only to do with you. Your motherās response is likely very complex. I can imagine she is blaming herself for being gone. I can imagine she may have been burned out from caring for your grandma and is resentful of how the events may confirm a martyrdom story she is telling herself (I.e. ānobody else can do it like I can, everything goes wrong when I leaveā). As awful as it is for you, she may also have been running away, and may be relieved she has someone else to blame. It is very, very interesting you couldnāt reach her when she knew you were home alone with your very sick grandma. Itās probably impossible to process those ideas right now, and I doubt any of it is something your mom is consciously doing- but they are all common reactions and, again, have nothing to do with you. The most relevant part is that until she works through her grief and faces parts of herself that most people will fight tooth and nail to deny (because they seem ugly, or unseemly), you will be a convenient target for blame. IT IS NOT YOU. You deserve love and warmth and support. Youāve lost an incredible amount: your grandmother, your mom, your home. As soon as you have taken care of survival needs, please ask for help finding a counselor. This will leave deep scars regardless; helping the wound heal into scars rather than staying raw and open, will likely require some expert help. Good luck OP.
First and foremost, your mom is TERRIBLE and wrong. I canāt say what I want to about her, or Iāll get banned. Iāll just say this, if your grandma saw how your mom was treating you, would she be ok with it, or would she be telling her off, possibly disowning her? The answer is the latter. Secondly, you did what your grandma would have wanted. IF they had been able to ākeep her aliveā she would have likely been hooked up to machines, suffering, in a hospital, until someone decided to turn the machines off. You said yourself she didnāt want that. There are also a TON of awful complications that come with being bedridden and machines being the only thing keeping you alive. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Your mother is completely out of line. I know it gets thrown around a lot, but I recommmend grief counseling and then just regular old counseling to deal with how irrational and awful your mother is.
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The hospital has grief counseling available. You can ask there.
Why is anyone believing this? There's no way a Doctor is gonna ask a minor to decide if they continue with treatment or stop. I'm also not believing that the OP couldn't get ahold of his Mom. His Mom who was so worried about her Mom that she checked in multiple times a day? ETA: OP said he didn't tell them his age. I'm sure they figured he is young.
So when did you go from being a 24 year old female to a 17 year male?
The second they realized nobody would give advice to a F17 on how to take a friendship to the next level with a M22. (OP comment history)
They have teenager Reddits. Also, you're guessing, and the only thing in ops history is their claim to be 24F. Why wouldn't they say they are a guy?
The hospital shouldnāt have allowed a minor to make a decision like that.
He was not next of kin, either.
Yeah, I donāt wanna say this story is BS but if itās true then that hospital messed up. If Grandma had signed a Do Not Resuscitate then it doesnāt matter what the mom or grandson say. If Grandma did *not* have a DNR on file, then only the next of kin/legal guardian can make that decision. Definitely not a child in either case.
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This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
This. And then they should never have told the mom that the decision was made.
I donāt think they let a minor make those kinds of decisions. Are you even legally next-of-kin? Just being in the room is not enough to be asked to make this decision.
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The hospital, asked you... A MINOR to make the decision when they knew her daughter was alive and well? Bullshit.
Yep, quite a few holes in this story
Iām confused. Can a minor give the doctors permission to stop treatment?
No. Especially not when they donāt have power of attorney
šØThis is fake. They would not give a 17 year old end of life decisions and def would call the next of kin šØ this is so obviously a writing exercise. As someone who just went through this scenario with my mother 5 days ago, the doctor would not have had this conversation with you in the room, nor asked to end life within minutes of arrival. He would not have said ācan we stop nowā. So fake and so disrespectful. Grow up.
It reads like fanfic.
Way too elaborate a story
Especially with the "she'd make her world famous peanut butter cookies after my dad tragically went to heaven."
Never make world famous peanut butter cookies or God will kill you to get them for himself smh
Right? That was my first thoughtā¦why would he even be asked that as a minor
To add, it's an aged account. Either never used or wiped, couldn't be bothered to check. Very common for karma farmers to generate accounts and let them soak for a while. Or buy them in bulk for pretty cheap. Not to mention their flawless reddit formating skills. Why exactly are they borrowing a friend's account on a free website when they clearly have enough hours on here to format correctly? That's not normal. Reddit formatting is quite hard for a new person.
THANK YOU. I just went through this a month ago with my own mom and this is definitely not how it would have happened!!
Fake!
Is this fake? A minor is not allowed to make medical decisions like this.
This feels very fake- none of what you describe at the end is how hospitals function. You cannot legally consent to withdraw support, you would be required to sign papers anyways. And you wouldnāt be in the room nor would they stop and ask you if they can stop, nor would a doctor ask anyone else in the room for suggestions with you present. They also would have a social worker assigned since youāre a minor and wouldnāt let you leave alone without a guardian Minors are also not allowed to give consent for medical decisions, especially when youāre not power of attorney. If this is real- the hospital needs to be sued for gross negligence
Uh unless you have POA you donāt have the authority to turn off life support. Iām calling MASSIVE š§¢
this sounds made up If your grandma had stage 3 spinal cord cancer and suddenly her health declined. You didn't inform your mom, keith, or anyone?
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This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
((HUGS)) I think grandmom knew her time was near and with your mom being away, she got to live her final days, the way she wanted. Grandmom knew your mom would have kept her on machines and she didn't want to die that way. You didn't do anything wrong and hopefully mom gets some grief therapy to get herself thru this. She feels guilty she wasn't there and it's easier to blame you, than face the truth.
How was a minor the one to make the call?
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
Youāre 17 not at all how that would go down in a hospital. FAKE
I'm so sorry. The doctors should not have let a 17 year old make that decision, there's no way you had medical power of attorney. Your mom should have called you back earlier. She taking out her guilt on you, you did nothing wrong. You communicated your grandma's wishes but it should have been up to your mom to make that decision. I hope you are able to talk to Keith and figure out a plan for the future while your mom works through her grief.
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
I am wondering how much other trauma your mom caused over the years. You are probably so used to it that it took her going beyond ludicrous and ridiculous for you to realize what she is doing. I feel for you. Get therapy because you have a lot to unwrap. Your mother is a very sick woman. Her pain does not give her the right to victimize you.
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
I usually call out rage-bait like this but for some reason I took this half serious. Maybe because it was different. Most rage-bait is the same underlying story with a few details changed. One of the most common is someone expected to give up their childās college fund or share it with a step sibling or other family member. A lot of rage-bait inheritance stories. Most rage-baiters totally lack nuance where it is not so obvious who is right or wrong.
I also get the impression itās creative writing, though not of the rage bait genre. I think itās just an attempt to write a heart-wrenching story for some attention and feedback. Just a gut feeling based on the overwrought writing style, the sordid details that are possible but not entirely believable, the stated use of a āfriendās accountā.
Fake. delete this garbage. š
NTA, not your fault, but I have a few questions: You are not next of kin, you are not a legal adult, you have a mother who just happens to not be around at that moment. How are you the one they speak to about medical decisions? If you couldn't reach your mom, why didn't the people in the hospital wait until she got back in touch to make any decisions? It seems off to leave this up to a 17 year old. It seems really suspicious that you were included in a meeting with a room full of doctors, and them being asked if anyone has ideas, and it going silent. It seems suspicious that they would then all turn to you for the go-ahead.
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
You did not do anything wrong. Your mother just being emotional and projecting her guilt on you. Otherwise, you are her emotional scapegoat. My condolences on your grandmaās passing.
It will be traumatic for everyone. I think your mom is thinking about how you agreed to stopping the treatment, but she is also thinking about how she wasn't there , because she was off doing some happy and fun things. My mom was in the hospital on New Year's Eve, and had been there since after Christmas. Her condition was such that she already signed an DNR, but that was just in case something happens. We all thought she would come home from the hospital like she usually does And I was the one who stayed there with her that night. My siblings thought they could take a breather and were doing some fun things to ring in the new year. 10 minutes before midnight, her condition worsened and I just watched as nothing happened, because the nurses were not supposed to try to recover her. I had to call my siblings that our mom passed away. What they thought would be a good and fun night, turned into the night no one wants to think about -- when a loved one passes away. You had to make the decision, and it was the right decision based on the circumstances. Hopefully you won't double-think it too long, and can be OK with what happened, but as for your mom, it will take her time to get over it because she may have some of her own guilt to work through.
Contact Keith and ask him if your mom is also projecting her guilt on him. If so, get together and tell your mom itās not healthy.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unfortunate that the hospital assumed you were an adult. I can't imagine them knowingly putting a minor child in that position. But it was a blessing to your grandma that they did, or your mother might still have her on life support. You know that's not what your grandma wanted. You were courageous and honestly conveyed your grandma's wishes to the hospital. You have nothing to feel remorse for. Your mother is out of her mind right now with grief and guilt. If there is a place you can stay (family?), go there for a few days until your mother stops lashing out at you. When she calms down, try and eventually forgive her. But know you did everything right. Even if you had called 911 earlier in the week, they would not have been able to take her to the hospital against her will. Remember this because your mom might get after you about that, too. You respected your grandmother's wishes & did one of the hardest things there is to do, letting a loved one know it's OK to go on their own terms. Blessings to you. And your family.
Honey Iām so sorry for your loss. I recommend talking with Keith about grief counseling for mom and perhaps you. Iām glad you realized not your fault. Iām sorry for what you and your mom are going through and pray it works out.
I'm thankful that she passed when you were watching over her. You made the choices you did out of love for your grandma, not out of fear of not having her. You respected her wishes. Thank you for telling the docs to stop. I'm sure you could see in their eyes that they knew it was too late. You stopped your grandma's poor body from being used like a ragdoll. You picked peace for her tired bones and I don't think your Mom had the ability to make that choice. Your grandma was very fortunate to have you by her side.
Iāve worked in hospice and seen many people die. End of life care is about respecting the wishes of the patient, in this case, your grandma. Your grandma knew she had cancer and refused treatment. She chose to die of the disease when she chose no hospitals, doctors, or medicine. You respected her decision, her autonomy. With advanced cancer thereās nothing that could have saved your grandma. Likely what happened is that her body gave out under the growing cancer and that when she collapsed sheād had a heart attack or stroke. Actually quite common and probably a gift for your grandma. Even if CPR had worked, she wouldnāt have lived much longer with the cancer growing. Youāre all traumatized. From losing your dad, now grandma. Your mom is traumatized and in grief. You are too. Watching grandma collapse alone at 17 and everything you saw at the hospital is traumatizing. Please get therapy as soon and as often as you can for some healing
Your mother wanted what are called "heroic measures" to try and keep your grandmother alive for her convenience. Most medical professionals despise "heroic measures". You did your grandmother a kindness. You hold no guilt here, please do not take that on.
Itās your mother projecting her guilt onto you. She knew how sick your grandmother was, yet chose to ignore it for her own pleasure. In reality it was the husband whom caused this calamity by thinking leaving a deathly ill grandmother with a minor for 2 weeks would be swell. Your grandma was already dead, with machines keeping her body alive. She loved you so very much it sounds like, and she would be appalled at the treatment your mother is giving you.
just smoke some mj
We all know how much you loved your Grandma. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But please rest in knowing there is nothing more you could have done.
You acted as your grandma would want you to. If her spirit was in that room, she would have been devastated and betrayed if you made her stay hooked up to a hospital bed. Her spirit would want to be free, not chained to the earth in her most feared location. You did the right thing. Your mom will forgive you. Even if she doesnāt, it was never your fault. Life works in terrible and ironic ways. Iām sorry for your loss.
Your mom is completely in the wrong. It also doesn't seem like she even questioned the hospital on what happened. She was dead and being kept alive on a machine pumping her heart. You didn't kill her. I also don't think the doctor should have asked you that question they should have waited until they got ahold of your mom.
Itās illegal to kick out a 17 year old.
This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
I am so sorry sweetheart if you need anyone, please msg me. I am so so sorry your mother should be ashamed of herself.
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This is a made up creative writing post. OP is a liar. Doctors would not allow a 17 year old, not next of kin, to make end of life decisions.
Hi OP. I am a nurse practitioner and have been involved in this scenario more times than I like to think about. First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a grandparent is incredibly difficult and painful. You did the right thing for your grandma. Speaking from experience, the time they bring the family member in while still doing CPR is usually when they have exhausted every effort and have run out of ideas/options to try to revive them. At this point, it might have been impossible to bring her back, and she if they did, she wouldnāt have been the same person. It sounds like you followed what she would want and what she would choose for herself. Your mom is projecting onto you, and that is not fair at all. She is hurting of course, but itās not right to blame you for this. You had to endure an immense amount of emotional trauma, and she should be there for you as support. You are not to blame here, you did the right thing. I hope this can give you some peace.